Confronting the Guilt, Shame, and Pain of Mental Health - Rabbi YY Jacobson

the yeshiva.net I'd like to introduce Rabbi Jacobson to talk about this very important topic thank you for thank you everybody thank you for Theus thank you for the honor thank you for the privilege of uh addressing all of you today I know that we have hundreds of people listening and uh many more will probably watch or listen later and I'm really very grateful for this uh this privilege and opportunity and to talk about something so important and for this organization a for all of your tireless efforts and dedication and love for our brothers and sisters in your community and across AR and all those you impact directly ly and indirectly and uh May the dwell in the work of your hands so that you should be able to continue to grow and be successful and be ambassadors of true healing and uh recovery and hope and uh love love and uh expansive Redemptive Consciousness and with so my topic today is dealing with the stigmas of uh I would say everything connected to mental and emotional health the stigmas in our community the stigmas in our homes our families individually and collectively and uh where we stand today how we can improve how can we how we can each become Kinder more sensitive more compassionate within our own Hearts within our own homes and families within our communities for ourselves for our loved ones so I'm going to share a few a few thoughts a few uh feelings about this matter and I know we're going to have uh soon we're going to open the floor also to dialogue and questions and answers everybody could uh I guess you already announced everybody will share their questions and we'll address it on a more personal intimate level in response to people's questions I think it probably won't be uh dramatic to say that in our generation in our time we are seeing something very strange happening maybe it's not so strange but many people call it strange namely an explosion in the mental heal health field Based On A Mental Health crisis there's not a day that doesn't go through that doesn't go by that I myself don't deal with either many emails letters texts whatsapps convers ations reaching out for this crisis or that crisis this breakdown or that breakdown this family or this community going through a very difficult situation people are wondering why what happened suddenly you know mothers write to me all the time what well you think my life was so easy when I grew up fathers say what what what do these kids want what do they want they have more comfort then we had that that our parents had our grandparents had we're not crazy abusive parents there's a lot of confusion there's a lot of pain there's a lot of anger there's a lot of frustration there's a lot of resentment I would say there's also a lot of ignorance there's a lot of judgmentalism you know some are saying it's all the fault of the society today and the mental health professionals and rabbis or spiritual leaders or activists and who contribute to the toxicity of encouraging and reinforcing the Mental Health crisis in other words what about going back to good old disciplinarian measures where we don't take our emotions so seriously and we just tell our children learn from me be a soldier put one foot ahead of another foot and March on to the promised land and everything will work out some of you are smiling cuz you well familiar with this approach and you know I think it's in this area it's so important to be humble and open there is room to discuss there's a lot of room to discuss you know the the boundaries that are blurred between being empathetic to emotions and losing all definitions of right and wrong constructive and destructive the need to be able to be in control of my thoughts and my words and my actions so there is a lot of room for that but I think I think that many of us have tried that we have tried you know putting down our fist saying this is how it is and hoping that everything will turn out wonderful but it doesn't work that way very often and I don't think anybody here is on Just for voluntary reasons because you have nothing to do to and you decide that this is what you want to think about I think a was founded as many other organizations because of a real real situation because of reality I could try to fight reality but at some point I have to embrace reality not fight it and the reality is that so many people are struggling and many of us don't know what to do with it and I want to discuss a few issues with the first element has to do with shame stigma this is a big one shame and stigma is based on the idea that we have developed a culture and I'm going to be saying this with God's grace without any judgment because the judgment is on me just like on anybody else it's not about judgment this is really about identifying identifying truth in a compassionate and humble way but we often grow up cultures and communities and I'm talking about all different types of communities and all different types of cultures even within the Jewish world and within the Jewish Orthodox world and within the Jewish Ultra Orthodox world and I know that the demographics are very very diverse and that's wonderful so this is not about one Community or one movement or one group this is really about a general Trend that affects us all and that is that we we like to feel that n success means that we create perfect families or at least close to perfect families they always say we want to hatch them match them and dispatch them give birth put them on the conveyor belt of a Jewish Education right three years later is an upsh a few years later is a Mitzvah a few years later hopefully you can walk them down to the and ask them to give Nas with a new generation coming and now you become a z and ab I'm saying this of course a little bit to tongue and Chic and humor but you get the point and sometimes it works that way you know those kids who follow the trajectory of our systems and they do it well and they do indeed bring us a lot of joy and happiness and it's very special and it's very beautiful and just because a child likes the system and works through the system we shouldn't discriminate against them and not give them all their needs right and even a kid who's not driving you deserves all the attention and all the attachment and all the empathy that have other child who is driving you a little crazy so we have to remember that very very important not to neglect that child who's just waking up in the morning and going to Yesa and going to school just because he or she has not rebelled but the fact remains that so many of the youth are not in that they're not following that path and whatever the reason may be there may be mental challenges emotional challenges spiritual Sal challenges Social Challenges psychological challenges challenges within the house challenges within themselves challenges that come from their nature challenges that come from nurture challenges that are connected with parenting challenges that are may be connected to epigenetics things we have inherited through generations before us and maybe a combination of so many factors and it's all coming together now in a very very intense and I think an unpreceded at least from what I know very unprecedented and certainly in terms of the quantity and also in terms of the quality and the shame and the stigma become so profound you know you're harassing the family and what are the I'm going to say and what if I can't get my other daughters into the right Seminary and what if I can't get my sons into the right you and generally what are my neighbors going to think about us and what are my parents think about us the grandparents and my uncles and aunts and next week we have a is she going to come is he going to come not going to come and generally if we start talking about all these things like you know was we have a crazy family like we have mental illness in our family we have depression in our family we have psychosis in our family we have bipolar in our family we have schizophrenia in our family we have acute depression in our family we have a lot of anxiety in our family we have somebody who tried to do the worst in our family all in our family and I'm like a I'm a prominent guy in my community in Israel you know I've been learning in K I don't know for 23 years I'm considered a and my wife is like a and you know the biggest B in the whole neighborhood I'm just giving one example but there are millions and millions of examples you get the point and I think there comes a moment in life where we all have to look very very deeply into ourselves and say goodbye to the ego of Shame and stigma because you have to choose the safety of your children the well-being of your loved ones or the external egotistical Val validation that comes from people thinking not knowing thinking that we are this most beautiful family and I want to say it's not easy and I don't judge people who can't do it because it's a hard journey it's really really you know I have to tell you this moment it touched me so deeply ago I did an interview with Rabbi Shimon Russell who wrote the book raising a loving family a very good book very special book and we did a three-hour interview maybe some of you have watched it about you know why my child hates Rel why my child hates Judaism how to bring out the best in your children how to create attachment and safety and he shared a very very personal experience it touched me so deeply he was in Lakewood he lived in Lakewood for more than 30 years learned in KY became a therapist there classic you know Gates graduate Lakewood would say following through you know the Lakewood system T and more Tay you know T and fear of heaven and a Jewish religious household on the most the most optimal level bar hasem God blessed him and his wife with eight children and as he put it six of them six of them or seven of them struggled deeply deeply with Judaism and fell out of the system and he said one Friday night he was sitting at the table grouchy angry upset none of the children were following the system you know sit at the table let's sing beautiful songs mommy made the most delicious fish and soup and chicken and dessert gaval let's share something on the par let's share something you learned this week in MN let's have an interesting conversation about t about yish about life about the family I don't know maybe about purm about PES whatever it is and none of this was happening instead there was confrontation and negative energy and darkness and anger and alienation and no interest at all in shabas and the Holiness of shabas and the beauty of shabas and the Transcendence of shabas and he was very very upset this was not the shabas table we imagine we dream of we envision we anticipate we hope for and he finishes benching and he's going up to the second floor I guess to retire and he's really upset at his kids he's really upset you know they're ruining his life and Rabbi Russell said said his daughter let's put it this way wasn't dressed you know in the most uh religious uniform and was rebellious turned to him as he's going up and she passed him in the hallway she turned to him and he said she said words that changed his life she said to him tati it doesn't look like this Judaism thing is working out too well for you h it hit him was like a lightning bolt doesn't look like this Judaism thing is working out too well for you you seem so miserable and this was a jolt to them because she was honest she's like you're miserable you're a miserable person and at that moment he said he had to make a choice and he transformed his life from being a Slave to the society around him you know what happened he became a servant of God it's a shift that happens deep in your heart deep in your soul nobody has to see it but you know it and heaven knows it it's a very deep shift it's ask not what my children can do for me ask I ask what I can do for my children it's not only what Hashem can do for me it's what I can do it's to quote M's words to Esther hos Esther was rebelling against M's message Esther was defined for good reason it's not that she was an always a defined person she was not I don't know if she had you know opposition defined oppositional disorder or a positional defin disorder OD but Esther said M your suggestion doesn't make sense you want me to go into a king to my husband without permission he hasn't been interested in me for 30 days you walk in without permission you come up with a head shorter for what maybe I can rescue a people that I am now estranged from I'll remain in the palace hopefully I'll stay alive but if I go in Everybody Dies there is a very very deep deep resistance in Esther's words but M says something and it persuades her to go and after everything he says don't think you're going to be saved if you don't do anything and you're passive we will be saved anyway you and your father's house will be lost but then he says who knows if this is not the reason you were chosen as the queen as the first lady of the Persian Empire what's the meaning who knows me like maybe yeah maybe you should say I know we know Divine Providence has brought you here for this moment and one of the profound explanations as M was answering a very deep question Esther was like how did I end up in this mess I'm a regular Jewish girl you know valid dictor andak or valedictorian of whatever schol I'm I'm I'm a great girl I had a future building a beautiful Jewish home with a beautiful shabas table with a with a this is before P with a P with a with how did I end up with this alcoholic with this drunker who killed his first w a Persian Monarch who's not Jewish why how and says some things transcend D they transcend knowledge was not a statement of ambivalence and doubt it was a statement of some things transcend our intellectual ability to grasp them and control them your mission in life is beyond what I or even you can really understand intellectually don't try to mathematically make sense of oh it makes sense based on the trajectory of my life that I ended up in the palace some things we say in the morning what is our L our what is a gal a gal seems random why did you win the G and I lost the G why did this goat get chosen to go here and this goat there it's a gal it's a lot it's like a random mistake but we know it's not random it comes from a place that's higher than our logic and intellect because logic and intellect are also Creations this is what M was telling us that's why purm is called means the L just like like was also the the lot everyone has a different Journey one goat goes here one goat goes there how do you know exactly what your mission is how do you know what is right and what's wrong how do you know what a perfect family looks like how do you know what a perfect chabas table or S there of PES looks like how do you know what a beautiful home looks like I don't you know what I do know I do know this it's not a mistake that these are my children Hashem has given these children to me he didn't make a mistake it means that these parents are best equipped to be able to be the most powerful force of healing for these children and for themselves it's not a mistake you say yeah but why am I dealing with this and why is my neighbor not dealing with this and why does my sister have it so easy and why does my have it so easy and why is my sister making her 14th wedding I don't know within and I'm still struggling with so much I don't know but one thing I do know and that is I have to stop asking what everybody is going to do for me to make me look good and say this is really not about my ego now it's time to tune into my soul's calling my soul's mission what does God want from you and it's not what he wants from me it's not what he wants from you and from you is this something I can always grasp and understand exactly the meaning and the purpose and how it's going to work out no it's a state of but this is these are the moments that open our hearts to Infinity they allow us not to be stuck in arrogance or narcissism or shallowness or superficiality or egotism this is the moments when we actually become free we are Liv liberated we become emancipated cuz I'm not here to impress anybody I'm not a people's pleaser anymore I'm not here to look good to you or to you or to you I'm not about that it becomes a moment of authenticity and therefore it becomes a moment of vulnerability my dearest friends these are choices we each have to make are you going to live from a place of authenticity and vulnerability or am I going to live from a place of coverups and arrogance not because I'm an arrogant person who wants to live in coverups but simply those are my coping mechanisms those are my survival skills I get it I don't want to be vulnerable I want to be respected I want to have a stand I want to be you want to be I get it I understand I want my kids to look like they're playing the part they can get dressed up once a year my kids are dressed up all year like purm but maybe purm is the only real day you know other days of the year we think those are the normal days purm is like you know the Strange Day right the other days of the year we know who everybody is I know who you are you know who I am I have control I have a schedule everything is planned and puam is the day you know where chaos Reigns maybe it's the other way around all the other days we're dressing up trying to make believe we know who everybody is and that we're in control P him is the authentic Day ad give it up Let It Go ah the freedom of Letting Go Letting Go letting go for real I don't have to control anybody I could relinquish control I don't have to play God I'm not God I'm a channel for Hashem when you let go of the need to be God and you can be a channel for God you're a free person you know why because you have all the power without all the responsibility listen to what I'm telling you you have all the power without all the responsibility you have all the power cuz you're the messenger carries and possesses the properties of the one who sent them you for these people you are their father you are their mother you're a brother you're a sister you're a relative you're a friend you're a therapist you're a teacher you're a mentor you're a guide you're a rebbi whatever it is and you are a for yourself for your own soul and as a result of that I have the divine power that I need to be able to show up but I don't have to take responsibility it's not personal it's not personal and that's how we let go of stigmas we need open conversations let me let me let me try to be honest with you I think I'm trying to be honest the whole time you I feel that sometimes so many of our conversations in our communities are so saturated with coverups with inauthenticity people are sick of it you will have to choose which which team you're going to be in you going to be those are you going to be from those who help us find a solution or those who continue to wallow ketching and sighing about how terrible all of our youth are and how spoiled we are and narcissistic and confused and all these parents who are enabling these muga kids to go crazy they themselves are just completely confused you going to be part of the problem or you going to be part of the solution we want authentic conversation we want real conversation there's nothing as liberating as being authentic and vulnerable you know why I don't have to carry the burden of trying to protect my vulnerability trying to protect my humanist trying to be what I am not and our kids are so sensitive today to truth they are done with coverups they are done with religion that feeds toxicity religion that has so much corruption and politics so many ego games so so many coverups they're done with it they don't want a god that is toxic they don't want a god that is based on lies they don't want a religion that can't deal with real authenticity and creates these models of perfection that are maybe realistic for some people but completely alienating for others this requires a conversation where we could be truly open and real and vulnerable and one day I'm going to tell this to you you will look at those children who made you struggle most and thank them because you will say till you don't reach that point know that there's still a lot of work and still you're looking for another child couldn't you be like your brother couldn't you be like your cousin couldn't you be like me you're not in the game you're disconnected and I say this without judgment trust me with a lot of compassion but you're not you're not connected only when like KH you could look at your child and say it's for this child that I prayed I can't thank you enough and I can thank Hashem enough for giving you to me you are my pride you are my joy when I see you my heart swells with with love now you guys are thinking Rabbi why why which planet are you living in do you know my child do I get an Applause for that which planet are you living in and I say to you I'm living on planet Earth and I know the struggle we're all in the same boat but this is our work very often our work with our children is not work with them it's work with ourselves how Godly are you how well am I dealing with my trauma with my coping mechanisms how much am I connected to my own true self and this is where I come to another I think very very important point and this has to do with inner work inner work when we are watching in our communities in our children in ourselves you may be you may be you may be listening and you're going through these struggles what is the most difficult thing that happens the most difficult thing that happens is that it's very very easy to project our problems on others to blame others or to get very angry and resentful and lose the plot and this is where we need to learn how to regulate ourselves the real work of being there for people who are struggling is do we know how to truly truly be aligned in ourselves because all I can give you is me I can't give you anything else all I can give you is my authenticity my blood my heart my soul my truth my light I can't give you anything else I can't control you I don't want to control you I can't manipulate you I don't want to manipulate you I can't exploit you I could but I don't want to I also can't at the end of the day it come back to haunt me but I I don't want to what I want to give you is I want to give you my truth I want to give you my N I want to give you my soul for this I have to have a relationship with My Soul so let's talk about parents and children for a moment or teachers and and students Educators and and disciples whatever the relationship parents and children are obviously the most intense and intimate relationship in terms of connection but this is true about all relationships husbands and wives when my child is behaving a certain way or going down a certain path and I'm being very very triggered and I'm now living in a place of Despair or guilt or shame or fear or a lot of anger and resentment or so much anxiety the real work here is not to change my child the real work here is to change me to change myself this is where I and you we all need to develop tools find tools to be able to make our soul our best friend to be able to find calmness inside of ourselves to be able to deal with our own mental challenges our own inner struggles and here's the truth we all develop coping mechanisms at a very very young age and those coping mechanisms help us survive but many of those coping mechanisms become terrible distractions as we get older they may undermine our marriages they may undermine our relationships with our children most importantly they undermine our relationships with our own truth I don't know my own truth cuz I'm living with a coping mechanism and it proved successful for many years maybe 50 years maybe I disassociated emotionally and it did well for me because I couldn't deal with my emotions maybe I became very aggressive maybe I became very meek and passive maybe I became the ultimate people's pleaser maybe I'm dealing with constant anxiety constant guilt constant shame constant anger constant resentment these are things I need to be able to work on deal with am I ready from my ad am I ready to let go of my coping mechanisms of my egotistical structures and develop new neural Pathways that are based on mystery Infinity can I open can I open myself up every single day to my inner Divine soul Soul which is a it's a derivative of infinite Consciousness it's a fragment of the Divine it transcends abuse it transcends illness it transcends any flaw the soul is always filled with confidence and joy and Oneness and promise it's full of curiosity and compassion creativity and courage love and connection it's a derivative of the Divine it's infinite it's not afraid it's not afraid of authenticity it's not afraid of vulnerability that is it staple it is authentic because it's divine and it's full of joy and strength it says in and we say it every morning there is confidence and joy in his space in that space of mine I am a derivative of elus of godliness of I am a manifestation of Hashem in this world or to put it in very deep deep spiritual cabalistic andic terms basically this is a expression of one of the great Masters a soul is the way Hashem hashem's infinite light becomes embodied in you and in me when I go to that place there is so much love there's so much truth there's so much connection but I have other voices those are the coping mechanisms we call it my animal Consciousness my animal Soul the voices of my body trying to survive and my nervous system may not have regulation the more we you and I work on this the more we become the most honest people the best version of ourselves the more we learn how to regulate our nervous system the more we create a link between the mind and the body because the language that connects the mind to the body is the nervous but if I never learned how to regul if I never learned how to listen to the language of the body you can be inspired and hear a great speech today by Rabbi y y Jacobson and by our great psychiatrists and therapists and psychologists and life coaches and pedagogues and Brilliant orators and guides and it's great and you go home or you're already home probably and you say you know what tonight I'm going to respond differently tomorrow morning I'm going to respond differently I know what to do and let me tell you friends doesn't work you know why because she comes into the kitchen he comes to the kitchen they say something and you're triggered my your body feels unsafe your body feels unsafe and there is a reason for it because it's triggering something inside of you that is very very deep and it's not about your child it's about you those of us who realize that are on the way of tremendous tremendous healing and Redemption because now I could take responsibility this doesn't mean what my child is doing is right or wrong we're not talking about that it's we're talking about our reactions our triggers can I I identify the triggers inside my own soul and work on them because when I can show up with my Divinity with my godliness to my child to the struggles of my child everything is different my child won't feel my anger my child won't feel my judgment my child won't feel the need for me to control their life what my child will feel is unconditional love unconditional attachment unconditional connection and then that will allow them to heal because when I believe in them they'll be able to believe in them what I can only believe in them is if I have a relationship with me if I believe in me and I'm not talking now philosophy this is not another lecture that Rabbi why why is giving I'm now talking about visceral knowledge and experience when you feel that when you connect with that you radiate it and when you radiate it the people around you also change there's an Insight I once shared I saw it somewhere and it touched me so deeply you know P we have this custom that we take the A and we hide it it's called we break the mat and then we hide the mat and who finds it our children go and find it and they are the ones who will May hide it and then they'll retrieve it and reveal it to us and then they want a aikan prize and sometimes parents get really upset you know why' you steal my afik bring it to me and they negotiate and then when your children are satisfied they will give you the a ma we could continue this and there's a deep message here the Deep message is what we hide our children are going to reveal we all have our they're called Saun Saun means it's hidden what we hide our children are going to expose they're going to reveal now I have may I may have hidden it for 50 years very successfully I may have suppressed it or repressed it to a point that it was completely below the surface and I had no knowledge of what is going on I was so detached and so disconnected so even though I was living in Act active AC of trauma I have no awareness of anything and I'm just following things by rot and those of us who are successful people know that our trauma can create a story of success but we are living in a survival State we are living with coping mechanisms that paralyze us and debilitate us and take away our emotions and our Bliss of life life was not supposed to be made to live in misery and Agony you weren't supposed to be fighting with your kids and fighting with your spouse and hating God and hating the world that's not how life was supposed to be designed I know we're living in gulls we're living in Exile there's a lot a lot of pain but now we want to prepare for a Redemption we want to prepare for a transformed St and the transformation begins inside of me so things that I hide my children bring to the four it's called a and when my child holds up the A and says hey tati look look and suddenly I get to see some of my My Demons some of my coping mechanisms some of my skeletons some of my ghosts some of my most painful things my instincts say run away run away run away run away just smile and make believe nothing is happening but I am angry and others have this voice fight attack scream at your kids this is this is disrespectful everything I did to you how dare you speak to me this way sorry you were triggered now I am the three-year-old my child is nine and I'm three my child is 16 and I'm two or you could do something else you could look at a you can hug your child and say thank you thank you for this gift come let's continue the S and now we could both say together next year this year in in other words we can together go and celebrate our Redemption because I didn't run away from my AF I am embraced my and let me just tell you it's not always easy there are voices in our animal Consciousness in our body that are very very scared remember and here is a truth about life it says inim that marriage is a second birth meaning the soul comes into the body once and then when we get married it's like the soul Reb reborn again in this relationship with your spouse the other day in a I explain what that means at least one of the aspects of what I think it means and that is every Nish comes down to this world with a special Mission with a special everyone has a light to bring to the world every one of us the mishna says everyone is supposed to say for me the world was created it's not a narcissistic statement it's the Supreme Jewish perspective on life there is something at stake in the universe that only you and you and you and you and me can fix and repair and no one else before you or living after you will ever be able to do this this is your mission that is exclusive to you and every single one of us has that and that includes fixing things and repairing things and confronting things and subduing darkness and transforming darkness and it's based on your mission that you have your parents and your circumstances and your mental challenges this is not a mistake it's not a tragedy it's Journey me a day I don't understand it you don't understand it we don't have to understand it re let me tell you something the deepest things in life we can't understand we don't have to understand we don't want to understand I'm going to say it again because this is precious I heard it from the re the deepest things in life we can't understand we don't have to understand we don't want to understand are you going to reduce the relationship between a mother and a baby and a child to an intellectual mathematical game oh yeah you know that I'm responsible for the baby cuz legally there's no other guardian and I'm the guardian I'm responsible therefore I'm going to nurse you in middle of the night it's true but it's much beyond that the deepest truths about ourselves are intrinsic in our DNA Beyond M Beyond logic our mission is rooted in the less logical we are about it the more we could be open to it and therefore everyone has a mission and we sometimes have to fix things and if I don't fix things when I get married it's my soul coming down again because my wife will probably challenge me and bring up those stuff to give me an opportunity to heal what I didn't heal yet and your husband the same thing this doesn't mean every marriage you should stick through sometimes it's too abusive it's too unbearable he's not ready to be fixed or she's not ready to be fixed but if you're both ready what I didn't do before my marriage I have an opportunity now in my marriage to heal through my relationship with my spouse because what happens very often in marriages his trauma triggers her trauma her trauma triggers his trauma if they both get entangled in their own trauma they start killing each other because they're meant for each other and their traumas are killing each other but if her trauma triggers his empathy and his trauma triggers her empathy now their souls connect and together they can help each other confront their own traumas that's an incredible opportunity this is what makes marriages Blissful my friends now sometimes we don't do it in our marriages so God gives us a third opportunity it's called our children our children will trigger all of our traumas I guarantee you I get an Applause for that too by the way our children will trigger all of our traumas if not number one number two if not number two number three usually each one will trigger another trauma each one will trigger another one if you have barem seven children you probably have seven serious traumas to deal with if you have 12 children okay good luck but but we're all dealing with something and when we can confront our a and embrace it it's incredible it's incredible I'm going to tell you something else my friends I have another 10 minutes and I'm going to go to questions I'm going to I want I want to tell you really two things one is a personal experience that gives me a lot of strength and this personal experience I think is a Prelude to perspective and the personal experience happened when I was a child I was a child I grew up in Brooklyn New York you could probably hear from my accent I didn't grow up in Mississippi I didn't grow up in Atlanta I grew up in Brooklyn New York in a neighborhood called the crown height section of Brooklyn where we always worked on integration between different types of communities one year it was a of PES it was pesak at night first night of pesak the LA who lived in the neighborhood would give matah after M to a few people his secret Aries people who worked in his office people who worked in his home helped out with his helped out in the house people who helped out his brother-in-law just people close in the office you know in the kabad headquarters my father had a interesting relationship with the Reb he was also invited to get matah and theb after before going home to the Seder would give all these people a piece of matah the adults he would give a whole matah their children he would give a a broken piece of the matz it's usually not hard to open a pound of matz mat and most of it is broken so he didn't have a problem finding broken pieces and then the adults he would give a whole matah and wish everybody a as a kid I went with my father every year the first night of PES to get matah from the Reb it was a very special privilege the Reb's face I remember he was standing at the door was shining like a and I walked by I was a little kid and uh the Reb took turned around to the pound of matah to the you know the brown box with the matah and there's no broken piece usually he would find a broken piece and give it to me because I was a kid so he started to lift the matah to look for a broken piece and he lifted the second one the third one fourth he lifted up every matah in the Box I don't know some miracle there were no broken Matas in that box I never saw that before after usually it's full of broken Matas it's hard to find a whole matzah and he finished and I was standing there waiting and there was no broken mat so the rebbi I remember he took he took both of his hands one on top the mat one on B he held him you know with with with you know with with subtlety and then he turned over the whole pile of matah upside down and again he started to look through so it was literally from bottom up now cuz he turned it on and started to look through again looking for a broken piece at this point I have to be honest and confess I was thinking to myself nothing will happen if you give me a whole matah I promise you if you don't tell I don't tell just give me a whole matzah let's call it a night I'm waiting there it looked like eternity it was very special to be in his holy presence but like it was getting a little like just give me a h mat what's going to happen a kid is going to get a whole mat what do you think I'm going to do you know sell it on eBay I didn't say anything I was just standing D finished the pile again there was no broken matah I saw that he was hesitating to break the matah I understood he didn't want to break a matah I get it it's not yak he didn't and he started to walk away to go look for another box of matah to find a broken piece of mat to get me and on the way as he started to step away I saw I don't know what he was thinking but it looked like he decided not to when he came back and I think a little begrudgingly or so it seemed to me the eyes of a little kid he took the matah I think the second one and he broke it and he gave me the broken piece and he said I didn't think about the story I didn't even remember it years and years later the story came back to me I was sitting in dealing one night an email came to me such a broken situation such Brokenness such suffering such anguish and a part of me I guess felt so overwhelmed and so distraught and so confused I I didn't understand what is happening why is this happening and how am I falling into this parti like what am I supposed to do here do I have any knowledge or wisdom that that can really help the situation it was just very very painful and very difficult to deal with and one story and another story I get a get quite a few letters from quite many letters from people of old demographics with horrendous stories horrendous stories of of abuse of dysfunctionality of difficult challenges and situations especially in the field of mental health and it's hard and the story came to me and I had this Vis visual feeling why would the Reb not give me a whole matah what's the big deal I was a kid okay so one part of me said maybe this was a blessing to find my second half and to know that I'm not a whole I still have to find my second half and it was a special blessing cuz indeed God has blessed me with a second half that is beyond what anyone can ask for but then I thought there's Al also something else maybe the Reb felt that part of my journey would be talking and meeting people with a lot of Brokenness and in his own inimitable way he was telling me don't be afraid of Brokenness don't be afraid of the broken matzas around you don't be afraid don't duck don't shrink don't evade your gaze Don't Close Your Eyes don't become apathetic and indifferent don't become cynical and cold don't become detached and judgmental instead when you learn to embrace the broken matah in your own heart you'll be able to embrace broken matzas in other Hearts here is a broken matah and remember that yak the ultimate of mat we do on the broken mat on the because Redemption happens when we are ready to face all of our broken places Redemption happens when you and I could look at adversity steer at adversity in the eyes and not be afraid where I could look at my adversity and instead of experiencing the shame and the guilt and the overwhelming anxiety I can hear all those voices of guilt shame and fear with compassion but not back off from looking at my adversity as dark as the devil may seem and it may feel like it's swallowing me up alive and I want to run to China I want to run to Antarctica I want to disassociate there's a lion in the room I cannot confront all these Lions there's more than one lion sometimes and the rebba said don't be afraid of the broken matah behind your Brokenness you will find your wholeness under the Brokenness you will always find infinite light it is such intense light that it couldn't be revealed in any other form but only through this Brokenness and if you can hold on to this broken matah and show other people how they can hold on to the broken mat will be able to say and this is what I've tried to be this is what I tried to do I try to do it with myself it's not always easy and I try to do this with loved ones and try to do it with people I come into contact and it's what I'm sharing with you today there's a lot of Brokenness there's a lot of pain but let me tell you something behind every broken matah there is the promise of redemption and there's a reason for this nothing in the world not nature and not nurture not genetics and not even what happens in the utero not epigenetics and not all of the circumstances and events and experiences we go through in life even when we're talking about bullying even when we're talking about sexual abuse even when we're talking about emotional neglect even when we're talking about all forms of emotional pain and anguish things I'm articulating and things I'm not articulating because either I can't or because I don't know but deeper than all of this stands the soul of every single one of our children and every single one of our brothers and sisters and US ourselves you and you and you which is a it's a derivative of divine infinite Consciousness we are ultimately infinite Consciousness having a finite experience yes I can get swallowed up into that finite and sometimes painful experience but our work is with compassion and empathy and support to always find the a to always find those cherished gems those pearls those diamonds glittering Divine diamonds at the core of every single sing Le heart that are always always intact nothing can destroy them nothing can even tarnish them and compromise them I am an awe when I watch people who have been through so much in their lives including such abuse that is unfathomable and that I happen to have intimate knowledge about and then I look at them and I'm expecting to see a broken devastated vessel that is hopeless for a good reason after everything you have been through look at you you should be broken and yet I see a light I see a soul that experiences the pain and I say to them don't you realize all the pain you're experiencing is because your soul was intact and your soul saw it all happen and your soul is a witness and your soul knows that it should protest all the lies and all the stupidity and all the atrocities and all the coverups and that's why I know you're in attacked it's the greatest proof of the Divine core at the heart of each and every one of us if we were really just random mutations susceptible to forces outside of us then those of us who experienced hardship and abuse should be broken hopeless vessels but because at the core we are Divine so we're Invincible no one can snuff out the light of your soul nobody can extinguish nobody can dampen nobody can Eclipse nobody can compromise the infinite expansiveness of your soul embodied in you what we need help is access we need help to access that inner soul to be able to communicate with our brain with our nervous system with our body to be able to embody our light but never doubt that light never ever doubt that core that is why you have pain that is why you know what happen happened that is why you know how wrong it is what happened that is the sign that that sense of truthfulness inside of you nobody can ever take away believe in it hold on to it embrace it because it's much more powerful than everything that's broken in us and don't be afraid of the broken places inside of you and inside of others let's support each other let's hold each other's hands let's cry on each other's shoulders because then we'll also be able to laugh on each other's shoulders and dance to the end of love thank you thank you so much Rabbi Jacobson for the absolutely inspiring and really powerful Reflections and talk about the concepts of mental health and concepts of mental health challenges and switching the way we can greet that experience it was really um so powerful and so appreciated so thank you again so we have a couple of questions um and I'm going to combine a couple of them because they can they cover a similar theme so the first question that I'm going that was raised um through some of the people who are participating here is how do we find shid for adult children with mental health diagnosises on medic patients most medical sh groups are not accepting mental health patients and concurrently there was an individual him um themselves that said that they are um single and have a diagnosis of bipolar and would like to get married very much and is are really struggling with navigating the the sh system and when do you bring this up and how do you navigate this love to hear your thoughts on it yeah and this is a question for me right yes cuz I know you have someone else answering questions that's why I'm asking yes but I think this is something from a reinal point of view yeah yeah okay wow this is this is this is a painful but very very real question and there's a few parts so let me just uh say what I think the first element is uh you know when we speak about mental illness it's important to understand that uh there are those of us who struggle mentally if we identify the problem and we identify our challenge with honesty and without covering it up and without running away I just want to say this at the outset there are so there are so many healing opportunities today to enhance our life significantly I know personally many individuals and I'm and I'm I'm not a mental health professional I'm not a medical professional so I'm saying this you know with a lot of humility and without any conclusive authoritative scientific facts but just from conversations with quite many professionals and patients it's just so important to know that people who are ready to take responsibility for their challenges today there is an unbelievable opportunity today that God has given our generation for healing modalities um I've done interviews with really really you know serious doctors in the mental health field who even said that today there is a huge literature suggesting that there are profound links between mental illness and Trauma unlike we always thought about mental illness that it's basically you just have a chemical imbalance you know a boy is born with a hole in the heart or with diabetes and you have a mental illness but if it's Associated and connected to trauma this means that it's so much connected to our emotional well-being and our attachment and connection so it's just important to understand this and there are even those professionals who are suggesting different models of healing today outside of the regular medication route which may may not but may prove very very and unbelievably helpful for trauma healing and therefore perhaps for different issues connected with what we call mental illness and especially the area of plant medicines vitamin vitamin sematic therapy exercising uh daily schedules that are consistent with a lifestyle of mental health and Alignment I'm just throwing this out because I think it's important for people to realize how much hope and how much potentiality there is today for incredible healing even in those areas that we thought it's just this is the decree and this is how it's supposed to be and this is how you're going to die the best is you can just manage it but there's a lot more today number one number two in terms of a I think this is where we really need to reach a very deep place of trust in ourselves in other words and I I I'm not a superstitious type of guy so I don't want this to sound superstitious but I'll tell you what I mean what I mean is is this if I am comfortable with my mental challenges and my mental SCH my then ultimately I will attract that people will be more comfortable with me and therefore I will find the per hopefully I can hope much more to find the right person for me in other words if you can really accept yourself other people will accept you as well obviously you have to find the right obviously we all know that just like there are many boys struggling there are many girls struggling and I think that we don't we're not looking for the perfect person we're looking for a person who's confronting their own things and they're they're ready to create space for another person confronting their things and if there's willpower real willpower what do I mean willpower I mean there's good will and courage on both sides to be able each of us to deal with our issues and sometimes these can be the most powerful marriages now we don't want to be deceptive in any way or form or fashion I was at a neish conference neish is like a group of religious psychologists and rdid Cohen he was one of the prominent rabam in America K was there and they asked him this question and he said that he feels that at the fourth date third fourth of around the fourth date that's when people should be having these conversations about ious mental challenges because he feels sometimes the first three times it wouldn't be fear because there's no there's no uh chemistry at all it's just like you have a problem okay next and afterwards it's not fair cuz sometimes people invest a lot and they may not be ready for this but he felt that after a few dates where there's where there's enough connection that you really see the qualities of this person then a person should say you know this is what I'm dealing with this is what I'm struggling with and then the other person could make a decision but I'm going to say again again I think the real deepest issue is there has to be a lot of trust if God made me and he's invested in me and he gave me my soul and he gave me my body my challenges are not a source of shame my challenges are a source of Pride because this is my mission Esther wasn't ashamed that she was busy with a njw in the palace doing what he wanted because M this was her mission each of us was sent down a certain path if this is my path I'm not ashamed of it I will accept it I will embrace it I'm not going to deal with stigmas and you know what you're going to attract people who are like-minded you're going to attract people who are also honest and also authentic let's remember a lot of people in our community are struggling not our family but it's all a joke it's a lie everybody's struggling there's mental illness everywhere there are serious challenges every year trust me I know what's going on a little bit because I have I have a little access and people are open with me because they don't have to sign their names and their emails we're all struggling we're all challenged so when you're comfortable with it you will attract people who are authentic and honest and with a lot of faith and a lot of trust and a lot of inner self Lov and acceptance with God's grace you'll find the right person and it's and if we're both committed to the path of healing you can have an unbelievable relationship but you have to take responsibility for your challenges and not throw it under the rug thank you so much um next question is for Dr Rie wolf and the question is this how does society view mental and physical health differently and do you think the two should be addressed in the same manner why or why not and the second part of the question is should there be any caution when sharing that information with an employer the same way you would maybe share physical information that's an excellent question um you know mental health and physical health are very similar um but also very different so you know I think you know in many ways you can look at mental health like physical difficulties if a person is ill you know often say it's like um if someone has a flu often it's hard to to do things and to to function well uh people with mental illness often find themselves in the same position where it's difficult to manage and to function um but I think it's important to realize that um mental health often looks like it's like it's more like it's Deeper Than Physical difficulties for example people often think that they're something wrong with them because they have a mental illness something wrong with them because they have depression getting back to what re Jacobson um was referring to about you know I think it's important that people don't Define themselves by their illness people don't Define themselves by their mental uh Health crisis or diagnosis um when someone has a broken leg they don't say how am I going to find a sh because I broke my leg you know you know people are who they are people have personalities people are very special in many ways and the person that has a mental illness who has depression or anxiety for example doesn't make them different doesn't make them not a special person and I think it's very important that people realize that when getting into thinking about thinking about um functioning in life and doing things in their life uh so I think that's a very important uh just concept of how a of how to view um how to view mental illness um um the second [Music] question um I forgot the second question you want to remind me second question is just similarly how one may disclose to an employer because there might be time needed to take off because of a physical amount how does that apply to a mental illness you know it's yeah I don't know yeah I think it's important to understand that employers don't have to know everything about you um and I think although you know people have all kinds of different struggles people have physical struggles people have bad days people have all kinds of struggles and I don't think employers need to understand um know details about why a person can show up for work or have some difficulties I think the important thing is that people try their best uh people try to do what's right um and um and people have to be as honest they need to be but not you know people don't have to divulge things that are very personal and uh and very very personal firm thank you so much Dr Wolf um Rabbi Jacobson if I could ask you uh a further question and I'm going to also take two questions that are uh could be extrapolated one from the next um is there a truth self an authentic self if one feels that his Au authentic self is counter to Torah how do we manage that do we encourage the person's perception of their truth self and I think this really goes into the second question of somebody's mentioning how do we deal with fearing the choices our children are making especially when it's against our values and what we believe in WoW both brilliant questions excellent questions um okay let me address the first question first uh what if my authentic self is completely contrary to the Torah way of life to torah's values uh my authentic self is telling me things that are exact opposite everything yides kite or some things yish kite says which one do I embrace do I sup do I repress myself and embrace Torah or do I say to the Torah bye-bye you can go somewhere else this is not for me excellent question how I see what Torah is uh the very famous expression of the madish that when uh when uh God uh God cre at the world he used a blueprint like every good uh contractor you know there's a blueprint that you follow that the architect has drawn and the blueprint was T says looked what's the meaning of that when he needs a blueprint he didn't know what to do he's like the contractor I have here in the house like what even today's contractors barely use blueprints that's why our houses look the way they do so God had to use a blueprint the answer of course is that what this is really saying is that the design of the human brain and the design of the universe is a reflection of Tyra so if I'm finding an inherent contradiction between my authenticity and the T either I'm not being honest enough with myself or the Torah that has been fed to me is a very very distorted Torah in other words when we find our I think this is one of the most important important core ideas of the Jewish mystical tradition of cabala andas like there a whole SE that's based on this core if you know your authentic self your authentic self is a reflection of the ultimate Divine Consciousness which means in simple words that the authentic self is filled with infinite love and attachment and connection the the the the core of the self is full of of Holiness and authenticity and all of Torah is basically trying to cultivate a life of authenticity and love and Holiness and ATT I may be living with a distorted version of Judaism that's true and you know what I may need to be able to detox one of the most devastating things I heard from a young man was he told me he can't keep shabas because he was sexually abused in sh every Friday night because on shabas the sh was empty everybody went home and that's when the Predator PR Predator used the unique energy of shabas to do the unthinkable so he says for me shabas is is is ganam it's it's abuse so yeah for him shabas equals Devastation emotional murder and we have to respect that with compassion we must respect with compassion but is that what chabas is the whole idea of shabas is the exact opposite chabas is the time that we detox from technology and we bond with our spouses and our children on ourselves in the most intimate way for 26 hours that that is shabas so so I think it's extremely important to understand this if Judaism is in defiance with your authentic self I will maintain at least this is my uh deep conviction and I think with quite with some life experience as well and and a feeling for what pain looks like I would say patience and compassion find out more about who you really are and find out more about what Judaism really really is and I'm not saying that there's no Mitzvah that may be difficult for me at the moment but ultimately every Mitzvah in Judaism is here to flex the muscles of our soul never to destroy our authenticity if you could find me a Mitzvah that destroys people's authenticity I will tell you either you don't understand the Mitzvah you don't understand yourself and if we're teaching such Mitzvah then we need a lot of help and we're distorting Judaism this brings us to the second question your children may be making choices that are very very painful for you and there is a need to grieve and to cry but here's the deal very often very often much of these choices they're drifting away from their parents has to do with a very very deep pain and Trauma inside themselves okay I'm just going to give one very simple example that doesn't prove true about every case but just one example an illustration that is very authentic for many situations if my child or me I went through 10 years in school and I was not a success story I saw myself as a loser not because the teachers or principles were abusive they were not but because yeah I looked at myself I compared myself with the five top kids in the class and I felt like a loser so for 10 years this relationship with my school has caused me intense pain and an intense feeling that I am not good enough I am worthless when I get older I may want to disassociate from this source of pain and anything connected with school with Torah with God God who put me into the system causes me a tremendous sense of inner inner anguish the worst thing my parents can do is scream at me rebuke me shame me further which only means I will go further away from you they're intensifying the trauma that Judaism caused me and this is not blaming anybody this is just understanding diagnosing the pain what the parents can do best for this child is become closer become more attached this starts healing the wounds of the child the child says my from father is not on the team that's causing me so much pain he's actually causing me Delight so I have a problem my froma puts on Fillin he doin he learns hey I thought Judaism is the source of trauma and abuse so now there's cognitive dissonance my father is so loving my mother is so loving what's going on here and you know what this is the beginning of healing so when your children are making bad choices and destructive choices be very very careful not to damage the attachment not to damage the relationship it's the relationship that is usually the remedy the relationship is the tool for healing that connection is more powerful than anything else don't let go of that connection don't abandoning that connection is a abandoning the future of your child God forbid it's painful you need a support system you need to get rid of your ego you need to have a good marriage and you need to be able to have compassion for all the voices inside of you that have been struggling but find your courage and your soul remember you're a servant of God and connect deeper with your child Don't Run Away thank you so much and I think it's uh you really touched on a point that's so sensitive and um very applicable to so many people and it's hard because we think if we scream at them and we just tell them you don't do this in this house you in this house you wear a keepo in this house you get dressed with sne you think your 17-year-old daughter doesn't know how you dress in your house you think your son doesn't know what your values are they've been in your house for 15 years they know everything they've heard this lecture 20,000 times they know everything it's not an issue of knowledge this is an issue of inner inner pain and the greatest remedy for pain is attachment now I know this is hard this is hard it's difficult especially with other kids this is one of those Mias what's my mission but everyone is dealing with this today I mean I can't say everyone but just enormous amount of fam perfect families beautiful families best families in Israel best families in and and May and even and and Lake par and Williamsburg and and gold is green and Stanford Hill and everywhere else in the world so welcome to the club and now it's time to open our hearts and not to make decisions from anger and resentment and ego or insecurity but make decisions based on really really what these children need more than anything else and I'm also going to say get advice from people who are experienced with these children do not get advice from people who don't don't have a lot of experience with these children because they might mean well but they might give you horrific advice I really appreciate um that perspective because very often in crisis people are really looking in every direction and whatever is sometimes the most accessible and available might not be the most effective and as you're saying could even be destructive um I have one quick question if we could just really this would be a one to two minute answer because we need to wrap up but I think it really touches on the core of A's Mission because a when we work with families it's not only for the individual who is going through the Mental Health crisis we really look at the whole family and whole family system and the whole family that nobody exists in a vacuum and so the final question for re Jacobson would be what else can or should our communities be doing to help those who are suffering with mental health challenges or even their families what could we do more and better as a community to create a cohesive support system excellent I would say three things that we can all do immediately first of all it's teachers parents Educators principles educating themselves about this educating themselves in a very very serious way understanding the struggles of what PE of what people go through if I'm a parent today or a teacher a re whatever is any age and I am not keenly aware of the inner state of a child and how important emotional Attunement is and attachment and connection and safety is I'm not allowed to parent and I'm not allowed to educate I will make horrible mistakes not because I'm a bad guy but simply because I'm clueless we all are we have a duty to educate ourselves if especially if you're in the field of Education the first I was talking to a principal of a huge mfta in Chicago you know he's there for more than a few decades and he he told me an epiphany that he had and I was grateful to hear this Epiphany but this is such a foundation every boy who walks into your classroom every girl who walks into your classroom and walks into your house the pr requisite is safety safety safety safety are they feeling safe if they feel safe emotionally and physically they can be regulated if they could be regulated they can absorb things with their prefrontal cortex not with their amigdala if they can absorb things with their prefrontal cortex they can grow to become healthy human beings and beautiful people and Jews if they are sitting in my SCH in my B Med in My Seminary my school in my my my bet my whatever it is and they're not feeling safety they're feeling judged they're defensive the principal is about to punish them the teacher is angry today there's no education all the education is skin deep and superficial so we all need we all we owe it to ourselves just like I have to know the curriculum just like I have to prepare the gar I'm teaching the I'm teaching the M mean teaching the grammar the math the biology the science whatever it is I'm teaching before for all that prepare something else will every kid feel safe in my classroom will every child feel safe in my house that is a different skill set that's not IQ that's EQ but it's equally important and me to you and me it's much more important than academics much more important I mean academics are important we we cherish academics with the people of the book but emotional safety is more important if you give me a choice my kid could go through eight years of elementary school and feel emotionally safe even if the learning you know won't be at the highest level or the learning will be on the highest level but they will be emotionally unsafe I know what I'm going to choose of course I want both I'm a Jew I want the cake I want to eat it too but we all know what we have I think that's number one I think number two is number two this is very very important is our ability to have conversations in a free and open way to create support systems parents shouldn't feel alone parents feel so alone there's no to talk to who am I going to talk to another person who's going to think oh this is the crazy family oh I wonder what mashas is happening over there why are their kids so sick there so if that's happening there's no support we all need to get rid of the stigma everyone trust me everybody is dealing with something today I'm laughing I'm not it's not funny my point is we're all struggling I'm struggling you're struggling we need to be vulnerable and authentic if we could talk about it create an environment of safety mothers can talk to each other fathers can talk to each other siblings can talk I think creating support systems other is that you have you know we have support systems for cancer patients we have support systems for for other physical illnesses and it's amazing all the B when it comes to mental illness there's so much silence there's so much stigma and I understand why I'm not judging it there's a lot a lot of Shame here a lot a lot of embarrassment but so many people are struggling we don't have to be embarrassed from each other so let's create those groups every Community should have such groups groups where people could meet they could be Zoom they could be whatsapps they could be conversations those be references you know professionals I found an amazing doctor in England I found somebody who micro does with an amazing I'm just saying with an amazing Remedy or the vitamin or it's it's helpful also to have the pressure on one person to find all the help in the world and they get that one Doctor Who's an encyclopedia it's very rare it's very very rare but with a support system you know you can also get different perspectives it would be so so helpful to people the third thing I think we can do and this has to do with uh I think very much of us you know I think with what we do individually I think what we can each do with ourselves is be able to reach a deeper place of acceptance a deeper place of expect stop fighting the your child stop fighting the state of being of your child embrace it because the more we fight it I think the more we don't allow healing to happen it's like I'm going to make my kid normal I'm going to make you fit in you don't fit in you don't fit in there is neurodiversity here you're neurode Divergent I'm also neurode Divergent if you haven't realized you're neurode Divergent the question is what we do with our diversity can we make space for it can we trust it can we believe that God has a mission for us or we're just The Losers of society the dregs of society the more I can accept other people with real dignity and Grace I can make a space of safety for them when I create a space of safety for them there is much more opportunity for healing I would say even that many mental challenges at the core is a lack of safety it's a trauma that caused me to go crazy in order to be able to survive if me your father your mother your therapist your friend canot be afraid of your outbursts and stay there with you in that space without judgment and without me going crazy we can sometimes recreate those same initial challenges that caused the trauma and help the person confront them with more ease and dignity that's why our sages say that real chuva is going back to the same place place the same time the same woman and redoing it differently if I can take you back to that space of chaos and show you we can be here with you and hold hands that is so healing so this has to do with a very internal work that I think we are we are challenged today to do that is really go to a place of a very very deep calm acceptance that comes from empowerment and strength this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at ww.the usa.net donate