Clean your spiritual garments - Rabbi Alon Anava

Class, we'll talk a little bit about how I clean my chametz in me. So, we mentioned about Paro. I have to be I have to put a metal detector in the entrance and say, you know, like in the courts in the court you can't go in with a phone. They have like this box, like a caviette. How do you say caviette? Like a beehive. So, you have to put your phone, you get a number. So, we have to assign somebody. Mazel Hashem. It's all good. See, that's the main Paro in my life is this little box that is called an iPhone. It rings every 4 seconds, 4 to 12 seconds, and it disturbs me and distracts me. That's the one of the Paro in my life. I think 20 years ago people were a little bit less agitated with not something beeping or vibrating on their body. But, the reality is that we all have a Paro. We mentioned that last week. We have a Paro as the letters of hafrah, disturbance, and we constantly have things that disturb us. So, we buy a lot of shmatters and a lot of chemicals and we scrub every corner of our house to make sure that there's no chametz in the house. Besides the fact that 90% of what we clean is dirt, it's not even chametz. But, we constantly are stuck with some things that we don't know where they're coming from, such as bad behavior, bad thoughts, things that going on in my system, in my in my mind, and in my body. And the question that comes and arouses like say, listen, I already did shiva and I refine myself and I work on myself and I'm about shiva already for 10 10 15 20 years. Why is these old things coming up? Because many cases the cleaning of the chametz was not done right. And the cleaning of the chametz that we do before Pesach is a symbolic act to get the the junk out of my system. Because throughout the year, you clean the house, but you don't turn the high house upside down. Unless you're really really OCD about cleaning. But, most people they sweep, they mop, they wash their stuff. It's not so thorough. So, during the year you accumulate here a crumb goes over there, here a piece of treat goes under the the couch or under the bookshelf. And once a year when you start moving all the furniture, that's when you say, oh my gosh, the house is is a mess. There's crumbs in the couch, fell in from the couch, and here and there, all sorts of places. If you're looking at the symbolic part of it is throughout the year you're busy with your life. You don't pay attention to every little crumb that falls. During the year, you know, on Pesach you're fanatic. A crumb falls, everybody jumps. Ah, crumb. Or that's usually happens the the the week before Pesach when the house is already clean. If a child by mistake will take a cookie to the wrong room, he can be shot for that in some cases. So, that Do you know the the craze a crumb? But, throughout throughout the year everything the whole house is crumbs and a mess. So, if you want to look more of at the metaphorical part, then look at the what's what what are we doing once a year? Once a year suddenly we're fanatic about something very small. Then we know why we're so fanatic about it because we know it's going to hurt us. Cuz on Pesach if you have chametz or you own or you eat chametz, this is one of the worst sins in the Torah. It's a sin of karet. It's a person can has v'shalom get his entire being chopped off, so to say. Karet is being to to cut off. It's a very severe sin. So, we're so careful and so uh fanatic about something so small. But, throughout the year we don't do that. So, is if you're looking at the metaphorical part here is once a year I have to do a a deep clean. Technically, one can say, you know, let me just be careful the whole year and then on Pesach I don't really have to clean. I'll just, you know, go like that. That's technically. But, the reality is that we have our life and we don't want to be so so OCD on it. If I'm looking at it in the spiritual level, one might say, you know, why should I uh Why should I once a year do shiva on Yom Kippur? Let me do shiva every day. Let me live my life clean that I don't have to make so much dirt. That That's hypothetically. Very few people think like that. But, the reality is that throughout the year, even in the spiritual level, throughout the year I accumulate a lot of sins and a lot of dirt. And then comes Yom Kippur and I fast and I pray and I give charity or whatever I do and that's it and I'm hoping that it will be washed out. But, if I'm looking at the actual action that I'm doing in Pesach is that I need to go deep and clean this the this the a scrub the stains of chametz. It's not only sweeping. If it's a countertops, I have to scrub them and then burn them and and kosher them and every little thing I take all my clothes that I'm going to be wearing to the dry cleaning to take the chametz that is stuck in the clothes and I have to go to a very very fine level. Now, this chametz you can explain it as chametz is known to be my my ego, my yeshut, my selfness. Because something that has a lot of ego, it inflates. So, any type of grain that you put some yeast in it, it will inflate, become big. But, really if you don't put the yeast, it's flat. There is a an explanation. We think that we eat matzos on Pesach because when they ran out of Mitzrayim, they didn't have time. They need quickly to do a bread and it didn't rise cuz they didn't have time and they made matzos. But, that's not the entire truth. They also ate matzos throughout the time in Mitzrayim. Because the Egyptians did not give them time to bake. More than that, they wanted to torture them even more, so they made them eat matzos. It's not a nice thing to eat. In our days maybe it's they make it a little bit soft, but they on purpose the Egyptians used to give them a little bit of wheat, a little bit of yeast, so to on purpose, you know, to imagine eating matzos the whole year. I mean, it's fun for 1 week. That's it. The seventh day of Pesach you're already tired of these matzos. Okay, the first day you get excited. Wow, I we're going to eat matzos every day. It wears off. By the shivah of Pesach, that's it. Get it away from me. Give me a soft roll. So, imagine doing that for years. So, the matzos we don't only eat because they didn't have time to bake bread when they ran out of Mitzrayim. They were already eating matzos in Mitzrayim. But, first cuz they wanted to torture them and just give them cardboards to eat. More than that, they didn't give them free time. Okay, now take time to bake. You have 10 minutes to bake. Whatever comes out, comes out. So, the matza mystically comes to represent my humbleness. That I have nothing. I don't have any any opinion. I don't have any thoughts. I don't have any type of selfness. It's called yeshut. Something I'm something. You know, we call it an ego. And when I eat matza, I come to oppress my my ego. But, that's one way of looking at it. It's a one angle to to look at this chametz. But, the chametz that is in me is the shmutz, is the dirt that's accumulated in me. So, if I eat throughout the year and I'm sweeping and I'm mopping, 90% I get. But, the little parts I don't get. They get stuck in corners, they go under cupboards, they go behind things. And then not only that, they they get swallowed into things. Anything that has the flavor that absorbed the flavor of chametz cannot be used in Pesach. So, even if I have a plate, a tall kosher plate, but this plate absorbed the taste of something that is chametz, that plate cannot be used on Pesach. So, this is already in a very refined way. This is not a crumb. This is not a piece of bread. This is a taste of chametz. Now, imagine now I have a suit that I wear on Shabbat. And on Shabbat, my kids eat sit on me and I have food on me. I'm just not so talented with eating and everything goes on me. Imagine I eat a chicken soup that has what's called kneidelach. That's made from wheat. And it spills on me. On my suit. And I, you know, just go like that. If the suit has still the uh the liquid got uh evaporated, but the taste is still in the soup. This has chametz now. Now I'm not going to eat my soup, but I can't wear it. Even if you wash it? You have to wash it. You have to wash it. You have to dry clean it. You have to get it out. So, even your clothes for Pesach, I mean, why a lot of people have the custom of buying clothes for Pesach? Hey, okay, it's a Yom Tov. Yallah, we're spending already thousands of dollars. We'll spend another couple hundreds on new clothes. Okay, it's a Yom Tov. We want to have new clothes. Some go the extra mile. They say, "Okay, I have to say shehechiyanu on Pesach." So, not to have the doubt of saying shehechiyanu for for for bracha levatalah, so I have new clothes. I have a in my mind for the new clothes. But one of the many reasons we buy new clothes on Yom Tov, especially on Pesach, is cuz it's clean. My clothes are clean. They're not dirty with chametz. Now I'm not going to come now and take my entire wardrobe to the dry cleaner. That's uh I'm going to have to mortgage my house for that. So, you take your coat, you take your jacket, something. But we have the custom that we are also new clothes. We say, "Okay, for the honor of Yom Tov." There's many reasons. It's not the only reason. But but you want to have new clothes because they don't have the taste of chametz swallowed in it. So, besides the thorough cleaning, when we go and we do it the right way, anything that the taste of chametz was swallowed in it is prohibited to us to have on on Pesach. So, I want to now concentrate on that level. Cuz to clean the shmutz, to clean the chametz, the yeshur, the ego in me, that's okay. I have to work I I have to work on that. That That we spoke in a different class. But this is the holiday that I have to humble myself. I have to work on my my ego. I have to crush it. I have to burn it. But I want to now concentrate on the refined chametz that is swallowed into material, into my plates, into my utensils, into my clothes, into everything. That's how deep the cleaning of Pesach needs to be. And why do I need to do that? Because we're all baal teshuvahs. Doesn't matter if I was born religious. Doesn't matter if I was born a Jew or a non-Jew. I'm non-Jew. I converted. At the end of the day, we're all baal teshuvahs. Because we all need to do teshuvah. Even if I was born in the most religious neighborhood or community in the world, I'm still need to do teshuvah because ein tzaddik asher ba'aretz v'lo yechta. There's no such a thing that there's a tzaddik that's not going to sin. Moshe Rabbeinu sinned. David HaMelech sinned. I'm not going to sin. So, we all sin. Doesn't matter what's my background. And sometimes I do teshuvah for my sins, and then I I fall back again. I'm constantly up and down and up and down. And there's a reason for that. But what I want to learn from that is that there's always going to be some taste that is swallowed in. Now again, this you have to understand looking at from the halacha point of it is that anything that swallowed the taste of chametz, and what does it mean swallowed? Every material has pores. And pores open in heat. So, you take now a cup, a glass cup, or a uh uh plate, or anything else. With the heat, the pores open, and it swallows taste. That's why we separate our dishes from meat and dairy. Not because I have it on it. Cuz if I have now a plate of boiling hot soup, and it has chicken in it, it has meat in it, the pores of the material of the plate, they open, and they swallow the taste of the meat. Now the plate has the the din, the status of meat. Now if I say take the exact same plate and put some porridge, a porridge with milk, boiling hot porridge, it swallows also the taste. Now, what happens is also when I open the pores, the taste also spits out. So, they have a mixture now of the meat and the dairy in a very refined way. A lot of people will say you're crazy, but that's the reality. That's That's the level we take it. So, our utensils even, and our plates and and pots and pans, they have to be separated. The same idea is with the chametz. Is it the chametz, anything that swallowed the taste of the chametz, it has the status of chametz. So, when I do a certain act and I swallow, so to say, this taste, it's in me. It's part of me. Till I spit it out completely. How do you kosher something for Pesach? You have to either put it in boiling hot water, or either you have to blowtorch it, or either to bring it to heats of above 500°, you have to do some type of an action to open the pores again to spit all the taste out. So, in the literal level, in when it comes to my teshuvah, when it comes to my teshuvah, then I need to know how to do the basic cleaning. But when I want to really work on my teshuvah, then I need to know Don't make a noise. For the ones who just joined us, they don't even know what I'm talking about. But just don't exercise. Kol tuvah. And yes, we have a Paro. We have Paro that comes all the time to make sure that I have a good laugh. So, when I do my teshuvah, there's two layers to my teshuvah. A very external layer. That's when I just sweep things around. And then I have a very deep layer of my teshuvah. The Zohar calls it teshuvah ila'ah and teshuvah tata'ah. Teshuvah ila'ah ila'ah comes from the word supreme, above, high. A high-level teshuvah. Teshuvah tata'ah is a very low-level teshuvah. Most of us are holding in the level of teshuvah tata'ah. Low level. I just don't do what I do what I did, and I still want to do it. That's the level of the teshuvah that I'm talking about. I'm not chas v'shalom hurting anybody's feelings. We're all in the level of teshuvah tata'ah because I hold myself from doing the sin cuz either I'm embarrassed, either I'm afraid of the consequences, either I'm afraid of the punishment, or I just understand it's not good, but I still want to do the sin. So, that means my teshuvah is a very low-level teshuvah because I still have the desire to do it. Very simple. But if I do a very high-level teshuvah, I don't want to do the sin anymore. I despise the sin. I don't want I want I can't even think of even doing that. A person that wants you to sin all the time, he might do teshuvah and says, "Listen, I know it's bad to sin." But he still has the I wish I could have this right now. But he he holds himself. This is amazing. I mean, this is a very good level. At least he holds himself. He's aware that he has a desire. But a high-level teshuvah is that he can't even fathom the thought of doing that action. That he completely annulled it. Destroyed this whole option. It doesn't even It's not even an option to do this thing. He wants to throw up if thinking of this of this action. Like it's a tzaddik. A tzaddik can't even think. Doesn't even cross his mind to do such a thing. So, that's a very high-level teshuvah. Now, why is that What does that got to do with me? Because I I'm a baal teshuvah. Please, I'm trying. And we're all baal teshuvahs. We're trying. We're doing our best. But the junk keeps popping up from from 20 years ago, from 30 years ago, from 10 years ago, whatever it is. Because the taste has got swallowed in. It's not even on the surface that you can just scrape it. It's so swallowed in into my neshama, into my It's not into my soul, rather into the garments of my soul. We just spoke before about the three garments of thought, speech, and action. The sin is penetrated into the garment. It needs to be pulled out. That's the concept that everybody is afraid of of Gehennom, of hell. The Gehennom is not such a bad place. I mean, if you go to a very deep place in Gehennom, it is a bad place. But the Gehennom that we go to and we all go to Gehennom, just prepare yourself. Everybody goes to Gehennom. You know why? Cuz to go into Gan Eden, you have to cross through Gehennom. That's That's how it works. Gehennom is hell. So, even if you're good, you just go like this on a narrow bridge, and you get a little bit heat, a little bit heat here. But the path into Gan Eden is through Gehennom. Sometimes just to see what's going on. Sometimes just to hold your your breath for 1 minute. It stinks here. But the reality is that we all have to go through this Gehennom. In some medurim, in some places in Gehennom, you you don't want to get there. But all of us have to go through it. And even if we have a little bit of shmutz, it's just to be removed out. So, in essence, the lower level Gehennom is It's a good place. I come with a lot of dirt. It's a dry cleaning, basically. Ever saw how they clean things in dry cleaning? With steams. They take a jacket, they steam it, and that's how they get the the stain out. So, my soul also has stains so stuck deep into my neshama that has to be steamed out. So, I can do it in this world, or I can wait for the process to be done in the world above. Everything in the world above is is magnified to a point that they if I have to compare it to this world, then spiritually is magnified 6,000 times. So, if here I will experience 40° of heat, then in the world above, it will be 40 * 6,000. That's the just to have an analogy of how things are magnified. So, of course I want to do it here. I don't want to wait for the world above to be dry cleaned. And the reality is that doesn't matter who I am, I am carrying some dirty laundry. The concept of Pesach is saying, "Listen, I know you cannot do it on a daily base. I just know you can do it on a daily base. And you are acquiring or or or taking into your system all sorts of junk that it gets attached to you." Now, in our life can happen a situation. Doesn't matter right now if it's my fault, it's not my fault, somebody forced me to do it, but happened things happen in my life. A situation, a big fight in the family, a lawsuit, or whatever it is. Half of it I I I don't choose to get into it. Half of the situations that I'm in, I don't choose to put myself in the situation. And I often wonder, why do I even have to be pulled into the situation? It's not fair. That's what you would say, "It's not fair." But that's the reality. The reality is that you're in the situation. Not now right now, we're not pointing whose fault it is. Right now, we want to understand that as I'm going into the situation, I will get affected by it. The Talmud says, "A baking in a bowl makes a meal." If I wrestle somebody dirty, I will get dirty, too. That's the rule. So, I am pulled into situations in my life. And And again, it does not matter right now if it's my fault or not my fault. But I got attached to something dirty, I became dirty. What I want to take from that is that I have baggage, so to say, that I carry with me. And you know, sometimes I carry this baggage from a previous life. It has nothing to do with this life. I carried something that's stuck on me from a previous life, and now I have to correct it. And I do not understand why I have problem with anger. What did I do? Why Why Why? I have something stuck on my soul, a stain, an annoying stain. Before I became religious, I was very very very neat. Not that I'm not neat now, but if I would have a crumb, a microscopic dot on my jacket, I would avoid. And if somebody would be at fault in doing that, they going to already purchase a plot. Because I was if That's how I was. I would go out of the house if some a thread would be crooked or See, I have a stain here. Once this would drive me insane. Now, then I met my wife, and then my clothes started becoming very dirty. So, in the beginning, I was Now, ask her, she was like, "He changed so much." He's a different person. Yeah, now my clothes are dirty. Once it would bother me a lot. And my phone the first baby, I would like cover myself with rags and you know, so it's not going to make here. Second baby, the rags became towels. Then the third baby, it was already I don't know the hell. The fourth baby, my my shoulders are dirty. And people come and tell me, "You have dirt on your shoulder." I know. I know I have dirt on my shoulder. Why don't you take it off? I have four kids. So, now six kids is like everything is dirty. So, you see on Shabbat, one kid is here, one kid is here, here is the soup here. Then people say, "Why don't you eat?" I know. Trust me. There's a reason why I'm not eating. So, besides to try to eat with a beard and I know it's like it's not a nice sight. Trust me. No, that the braiding is not the problem. The problem is the Try to eat soup with with with with with with a beard. So, the point is that I was very very annoyed with microscopic dirt dots of dirt on my body. Which really, you know where it changed? From the external to the internal. Now, I don't mind if I have dirt on my jackets. I mind when I have dirt on my inner inner jacket. That's why I used to get so annoyed. Not because I was mentally a challenge or something or had a problem or an issue or a disorder. Inside it was affecting me. So, it didn't didn't bother me that the inside is dirty, so it came out. So, the outside bothered me. So, it bothered me that my clothes are dirty because I did not like that my outside doesn't look perfect. But that was the very external part. When that got out of the system, then the inside started bothering me. So, I want to get to a point that the dirt inside bothers me because most people the dirt inside doesn't bother them. They don't They care how the outside looks. How the hair and the the the Everything has to be perfect. People will stand in front of the mirror for 2 hours. No, I have a hair here. I told you 2 weeks ago one of the classes I had hair sticking out. Nobody bothered to say. Everybody was polite. Nobody Nobody was like, My kids saw the video the next day, LIKE, "HA HA LOOK AT YOU. YOU HAVE HAIR STICKING OUT." And I'm like, embarrassing. So, once I would get very embarrassed. Now, I was like, "Okay, who cares? A little bit of hair sticking out." So, I probably made a few people laugh, and that's it. That's good. It was a good thing. That's what Hashem A little angel came, pulled the hair out. He says, "Now, probably a couple hundred people looked at the video and was laughing." That's it. People A few people need to get a good laugh. But my kids had such such a ball. "Look at you. The hair is sticking out." Once that would be devastating for me. I was out in public, and a hair was sticking out. So, the problem is in our life that we care a lot about the external part, so we're very clean on the external part, but we don't get bothered from the inside. Now, then I have dirt on the inside, and it will start spitting out. And I don't understand where it's coming from. It can be anger, it can be depression, it can be not being patient, it can be judgmental, it can be all sorts of things that like you said before, I don't want them. Why Why Where is it coming from? It's not coming from me. I already did the chew bar. I'm a good person. Where is it coming from? So, it can either come from the dirt that I accumulated 40 years ago. It can come from a previous life. It can come from a different reincarnation. That I did some type of a a blemish, and now my the bush, the the garment of my neshama is dirty. Now I come now clean it. And I'm born with a problem of anger, a problem with impatience, a problem of resentment, whatever it is. Any I We all have problems. I mean, we're We We might pretend that we don't have problems, but we all have problems. It's not that something's wrong with me. Hashem gave me a little task, and he says, "I want you to get over your anger. I want you to get over your your resentment. I want you to get over your patience." Not that something's wrong with me. It's not It's society tags me with an X. That's the problem of society. There's nothing wrong with me. If I have a problem with anger, there's nothing wrong with me that I need to be outcast right now. You know, a kid has a little bit of spacing out, that's it. He has a learning disorder. Take him out of the class. There's nothing wrong with him. Why are you tagging him? That's his That's his being. That's who he is. So, nothing wrong with me. Hashem gave me a task, refine your midot. Work on your attributes. I'm going to give you three midot to work on, you three midot to work on, you five midot, you six midot. Refine them. You have to refine your anger, you have to refine your patience. Doesn't Doesn't matter. We all have to do something. So, the point is to understand that I need to now go to the deeper level to to do the real Pesach cleaning. And how do I really do the Pesach cleaning? Some people they do is they put everything in a closet and they sell the chametz. That's it. I'm done with it. But it works for only an extent on a certain amount of things. Can't put everything. I mean, some people they do. They sell their whole house, and they go to a vacation. But you know what it is? That's an easy way out. In the last 3 4 years ago, we were invited to our Pesach retreat. Now, the way it worked, my wife was due, and she was like, "Listen, I can't do Pesach. I'm like like a semi-trailer with an oversized load. I can't move. I can't do Pesach." In the beginning, I told her get help. She's like, "I can't. I'm due a week after Pesach. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't do nothing. We have to go to a a retreat, a Pesach retreat." I told her I barely have money for the gas to take me to the retreat. You want me to go to the retreat? So, she got me a job. Yeah. So, she called a few retreats, and she told them, "My husband is a speaker. He'll come and speak. Give me Give me a room for free." So, one place jumped on the opportunity. So, I was speaking day and night. Speaking in the morning, teaching at night. isn't it? So, all day long I was talking. But we got a a Pesach retreat. So, my wife is very good in the advertising and the public uh having public relations. So, she told them my husband's a very good speaker. He's not what He doesn't mind. He'll speak. He'll teach. Heh. So, I got a job and my wife got a vacation and my kids got a lot of food. So, the reality was that it was amazing. I'm in fancy hotel. Don't have to clean. We just sold the house. Just pack your bags. Beautiful rooms. Eating from morning till night. Everybody's like gaining like 500 lbs just from the food. Everything is catered. I don't have to clean. I really the reality it was amazing. I'm not trying I I would be lying to myself if I would say it was torture. It was amazing. Amazing food. A five-star caterer. The next year my wife was like, "Are we going again?" I'm like, "But you had the baby." No, I'm breastfeeding. And you know and then Now they want you. They want you. You inspired so many people there. Don't you want to inspire more people this year? So, so the next year we went again. We had to inspire all these people. And to eat all the good food. So, for 2 years in a row we were in a five-star retreat for Pesach and it is it is a treat. I mean, you wake up in the morning and you're like, "Okay, let's go to this buffet." And you stuff yourself in the buffet. And then you sit outside and everything is nice and babysitting for the kids. They have camps for the kids and all these activities. The reality is that it is fun. But 2 years in a row my wife and me said, "You know what? It's not Pesach. It's a vacation. We don't really clean the junk. We don't clean the chametz. So, it's fun. It's nice. But I'm fooling myself. It's not the real Pesach. As much as this place was strict, it's not Pesach. You don't clean. You don't work hard. You don't feel the holiday. So, as much as we enjoyed ourselves, my wife says, "You know what? You're right. It's not real Pesach." You don't get this Pesach. You come out of this retreat fat and lazy and back to square one. But when you go out of the real Pesach, you go with new energies. You're skinny. You're healthy. You fast for 8 days. All you eat is matzas and bananas. And and and the potatoes. So, besides the physical diet, it's a very very powerful spiritual week. And if you notice, if you do it the right way, you have this unbelievable energy after Pesach. You clean. Everything is clean in your environment. So, there are two ways of celebrating Pesach in a fancy retreat if you can afford it. But that's the the lie of Pesach. And I'm not I'm not I'm judging anyone. I know you need a you need to go on a vacation. Some people tell I need to make a fire. I'm not judging anybody. I don't want to ruin people's business. I'm saying that in the concept. Don't take my words that I'm attacking the the the Pesach retreats. They need to have business. People need to have good time. Sometimes it's better for people. I'm talking about the concept. The concept is this is the the lie of Pesach. It's not a real Pesach. And when I stay home and I really do the Pesach, that's the real cleaning. So, in my life I have the same thing that I pretend or I lie or I think that I really cleansed myself. But I don't understand where all this junk is coming up all the time. Junk I'm talking about bad thoughts, bad behavior, anger, depression, sadness, aggression, resentment, all these things, these emotions and behavior. Why is it coming? Cuz the cleansing wasn't really good. I didn't really blowtorch everything. So, like I told you, when you go to a retreat, you put everything in the cabinets and you sell the chametz and that's it and you're done with it. But when you don't have that option, you have to start koshering everything. I have to now in a few days start koshering our kitchen. Blowtorching the oven. Up until today I was like, "Why didn't I buy the self-cleaning?" When we came to buy the oven, it was another couple thousand shekels. No, no, no. I'll kosher the oven for an hour. Pesach comes, I'm like, "Why didn't I buy the first self-cleaning oven?" Now I have to kosher the oven. But the reality is you have to start koshering everything. The oven, the stovetops, the countertops, certain pots, certain dishes have to start koshering it. So, that's the real cleaning. You have to scrub and you move and you You can't sell everything and put it in the closet. Basically hiding my my my problems. Or burying something that I did 20 years ago. I need to do some deep cleaning here. And that that's the the the more deeper cleaning, the meaning of the deeper cleaning of Pesach. It's really I already came where to where I'm holding right now. I already invested 10, 20, 30 years of my life in this teshuvah. I'm invested already. And I'm talking to everybody cuz we're all baalei teshuvah. It doesn't matter if you were born religious. I'm invested in in this thing so much more so if in the middle of my life I changed my path and made teshuvah. I'm already invested in this thing for 10, 20, 30 years. Let me do it the right way. What am here? I'm here playing? The other day I told somebody we talked about the the exact same thing and I told him, "But you have to think of your olam haba." He said, "I don't care about my olam haba." So, I was like, "So, why are you doing teshuvah? What's the teshuvah for if you if you I'm invested in this thing. So, why do why not to do it all the way? Besides the fact that in my reality, I don't like so much my reality. I don't like my anger in me. I don't like the resentment to other people in me. It's not that there's a problem with that person. Why should I resent another person? I have a an issue. So, I don't like certain character traits in me. So, I need to clean the chametz. Now, off the subject, but there's always going to be the Pharaoh that's coming to disturb it. He's telling me, "No, no, no, you're doing great. What are you talking about? Look at this beard. You're doing amazing. Look how religious you are." So, Pharaoh is not going to come only in a form of a uh phone ringing. Pharaoh is going to come in a very different way of different ways to disturb my analysis that wait a minute, I'm actually not doing that great. And you know what? I probably didn't pay all my debts and I probably didn't apologize for everything that And you know what? I probably I didn't clean my mind so good cuz I still have all these bad thoughts. So, always Pharaoh is going to come to disturb me to tell me that I'm doing a great job. But the reality is that once a month Hashem says, "You know okay, I know it's hard for you to do it on a daily base. So, once a month pull out all the junk and start cleaning it real real deep." So, yes, when I clean the chametz, I want to lower my ego. I want to work on my selfness, on my issue. Okay, that's one one way of looking at it. I want to take it to the next level and I want to look at my Pesach cleaning is that I'm going deep to the depth of the layers of my neshama, to my garments of my neshama and start taking out all the taste of chametz that is already so stuck in there and get that out. And get all these fine things that I never reached, that I really never sat down to do my teshuvah on. And to really say where must be something that I didn't clean 100%. Because if I would reach that very high level of teshuvah, I would resent all the bad things that I'm still doing. Which means that my teshuvah is not complete. A lot of people come to tell me, "How do I know when my teshuvah is complete?" So, I said because you still like you would like to do what you did in the past. I mean, the fact that you're holding yourself, that's amazing. It's kol hakavod. You reached a very high level. I know many people that say, "Ugh, I would wish to eat now this cheeseburger." I would never eat it. But if I had the opportunity, I would do it. If one day they would give me a free pass, I would do that. Or that I still have this desire to do certain things. If I still have the desire to do something, means my teshuvah is not 100%. The fact that I'm holding myself, you can tap on your back and say, "Welcome to the club. You're you're you're you're doing good." But the fact that I still want to do something, then then means that the teshuvah is not 100%. And again, I'm not pointing a finger to to tell somebody you're not doing good. I'm just explaining the levels. You cannot jump straight away to a high level teshuvah. But you you want to strive for that. And the way to know is to know I still if I still have ta'avot, what's called a a desire to something, means my teshuvah is not 100%. Means that very deep down inside I still have to refine another layer and pull out another stain of chametz. And I have to be honest with myself. Why do I look at it in a very external way that I have to lower my ego? Because only when I lower my ego, I'm able to look at myself and see my faults. And if I don't lower my ego, then I can't see my faults. If I'm looking at myself and I'm like, "No, I'm good." then I'm not going to see where I'm bad. So, I'm not going to be able to do the right teshuvah. It's very simple. So, I have to lower myself, lower my ego, humble myself. That's what this matzah symbolizes. The humi- not the humility is the humbleness. Then I can really do teshuvah because I know, "Okay, I'm not good here and I'm not good here." That's it. I'm very judgmental. I'm very impatient. I still like to do this and I still like to do that. I cannot do my real teshuvah if I'm not humble. So, Pesach is a very auspicious time. And when I take my time to scrub the floor with bleach, then I should also take my time to scrub my neshama with a spiritual bleach. And be like, "Let's be tachlis here." Tachlis means let's get down to the point. Where am I Hold on. I'm done in a minute. Where am I really pretending that I'm not good, but I'm but I'm pretending that I'm good, but I'm really not good? And if you able to detect that, then you will be able to refine that. And if you can detect that, then you still have to humble yourself. How? You look in the mirror and you say to yourself, "I'm not that great. I'm not that great." And Hashem, we'll do a class about how do you really humble yourself? But the way to really humble yourself is to look in the mirror and to say, "You know what? I lie. And I still have bad thoughts and I still curse and say lashon hara. And you know what? Who am I kidding? I don't feel like praying. And who am I kidding? If I had the option right now, I would do this." And you you tell yourself, you don't you don't humiliate yourself. You don't degrade yourself. You tell yourself the truth. That's why I'm constantly repeating this concept. Don't lie to yourself cuz when you lie to yourself, you're creating a reality that doesn't exist. And I need to tell myself, "Who am I kidding? I don't feel like going and praying right now. I'm going to pray because I don't want to be embarrassed when people are going to tell me, 'Wait, you Why didn't you come to the minyan?'" "Where were you?" And I don't want to lie by saying I was sick. So, I just don't feel comfortable. But who am I kidding? I don't feel like doing this right now. When you are very honest with yourself, that's really how you humble yourself cuz you're saying, "Who am I kidding? Why am I pretending to be better than that person? That person is much better than me." That's how I do it. When I need to humble myself and when I had to work on myself, I would look at other people and be like, "Look at that person. He came 10 minutes before me to the shul." Look at that person. He came half an hour before me to class to the to the minyan. And look at that person how they carry them in the world. I would look at other people and see, "Wait a minute. I'm much lower than them." I would see a certain individual in a certain situation how they don't react and be like, "Wow, look how they're not reacting. Wow." I I would right away explode. So, when you honest with yourself and you're able to look at yourself and you see your faults, that's how you humble yourself cuz you don't think of yourself so highly. If I think that I'm perfect and I'm doing everything right, that's coming only from my ego. No, I'm good. Well, look at this suit. Look how black this suit is. You know how religious I am? I was in shul yesterday. I'm very religious. That's an ego telling me that you were in shul yesterday, you're from. But I me telling myself, "You know what? I'm not that religious. I woke up late. I didn't pray yet." I I put filling at 4:00 in the afternoon. I'm talking about in my terminology as a man. Because you look at men, you go to the mikvah, you look men walking around the streets. I can guarantee to you half of them didn't put filling yet. I'm not accusing anybody in anything. But the reality is that Oh, it doesn't matter. They woke up late. They have a business or a big yetzer yetzer hara. I I I I'm telling you that as a man. You know as a woman what's your things. I can tell you that men a lot of the men, they look very religious. They put filling on in the 4:00 in the afternoon. And I'm not blaming anybody. I'm not pointing a finger and saying, "You are a loser." I many times in my life that I also put filling on in 4:00 in the afternoon. The yetzer hara knows how to manipulate the situation. So, the point is that not to now go through a list of all the things that I'm bad at. It's to know when to look at myself and admit. We talked about it the entire Shabbat. And we talked about it last week in the in the class about uh Nissan. The the the whole power of admitting. When you know how to humble yourself and to admit, that's how you work on yourself. That's how you humble yourself. You admit. And you're saying, "Who am I kidding? Am I kidding myself?" That's why I mentioned before that we're all liars. So, first we lie to each other. Then we lie to Hashem. But the worst is we lie to ourselves. Now, if I lie to myself, I will never work on myself cuz I put myself in a very good place. But if I don't lie to myself and I I'm honest with myself and I'm saying, "Wait a minute. Now I know what I need to correct." That's it. If I know what I need to correct, then I'm able to look at myself and see the fault, that's how I humble myself by saying, "I'm not that great." If I think that I'm that great, then I tell them, "Oh, I'm much greater than you. I learned 3 hours Torah. You only learned 1 hour. I know so much Torah." That's coming from an ego. A humble person will say like, "I I know something. I don't know anything. Well, you know, look at that man. Look at that man. Look He knows much more than me. I don't know nothing." So, the way to humble yourself is to look at yourself and see your faults. And if a person thinks they don't have a fault, that is a big sign that your ego is out of control. And if you know how to look at yourself and say, "I do have faults. I lie here and there. I'm not so honest. I judge every person that I look at. I'm lazy here. I'm lazy here. I don't do this. I don't do that." You have to be very honest with yourself. That's That's our problem. That's why I keep repeating it that we lie to ourselves. And if I stop lying to myself, then I can put everything on the table and start making the right analogy of my reality. And if my ego comes in, "No, no, no. It's I will find all the halacha loopholes why it's okay to put filling on in 4:00 in the afternoon." I mean, again, I'm giving you terms in my in my gender. You take those terms in your gender or whatever and you're saying, "Okay, where am I pretending and I giving myself discounts and I'm pretending and I'll find all the loopholes in halacha to permit me to do it." And this is regards to halacha. Now, talking about your personal your midot. The point is don't lie to yourself at all. Be honest. I gave you before the the the thing to do, the practice to do. Write your lies. Now, when you start doing that, when you start becoming very honest with yourself, then you humble yourself cuz you're saying, "I'm not that great." That's it. Once you humble yourself to a level that you understand that you're not that great, now you start cleaning the chametz. That's where you go to the deep cleaning. And now, what's going to be the result? You do what's called biur chametz. You burn it out. You take it out. It does then it doesn't exist. Then you got rid of it. I gave you one example on Shabbat. Some of you heard that when I before I was religious, I was the most hot-tempered individual. It was a no way I was hot-tempered. Somebody would look at me the wrong way, I would lash out at them violently. People from my past, they say that that that's it's a totally different person. Now, did Did I calm myself down? Did I stop eating something that made made me crazy? No. You I was able to with many years to refine this character character trait, this midah of kaas. So, it's not that I'm that I'm Superman. You put your mind to something, you're able to refine it. To refine it from one extreme to the other. But you have to be honest. I I In the beginning, people tell me, "You are crazy. You are hot-tempered." Me? And my reaction would be violent. Till I was able to come and say, "Yes. I have a problem with anger. I can't control my anger. So, my hands go flying to different directions cuz I can't control my anger. It's not the people annoying me. I have a problem. How am I refining it?" And the way to refine it is you look at yourself and I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm a disgusting person." I And I would look at another person and be like, "Look how that person is calm. That person annoyed him. He didn't even react." And when you know how to humble yourself, you know how to correct something in your life. It's all about humility. And Hashem says, "Just just be humble. You don't have to be a shmatte. You don't have to walk like this in the street. You have to look at yourself and know that you have faults. And there's nothing wrong. We all have faults. Hashem created us with the fault. It's not my fault. Hashem created me with my fault. With this fault, I have to refine it. I can't say it's not my fault. I didn't do it. So, I have to refine my faults. And the only way to doing it is humbleness. And the more that I do that, that's how I clean my chametz. But the real cleaning of the chametz, not just the mopping of the floor. It's pulling the taste of the chametz out and I can guarantee to you you'll change yourself. You will refine yourself to a point that you get you get rid of the junk. You get rid of the junk from that accumulated in your life for so many years and it does affect you. People don't realize and they don't believe that this junk affects them. So, if I used to watch movies for 20 years, junk movies, it's still in my mind till I will get it out. Till I will carve it out. It's not that I just threw movies. It's everything. It can be food, It be patterns of behaviors, can be anything. So, the point I want to take from that is I'm celebrating Pesach not just to eat matzah and to have a little seder and to to to do all these things. I need to reflect and I need to see, wait a minute, it's a time of the year that that's when I need to look inside and say, wait a minute, I got to clean I got to clean the system. And it's an auspicious time. It's a time that I get assistance from above. The the our sages say to say no to person comes to be clean they don't help him from above. So, Hashem says, you start your fire I told you that we when we went we talked about before the class about about the issue I mean to gather the misbehave to behave. The the there's a very big connection to Pesach because I mean to gather the misbehave to behave. You should always have this constant fire burning. It should not turn out. How did it work in the system of the note? We we the mean would put the sacrifice on the fire, ignite it and that allowed the fire from above to come and consume it. So, it had to be first I have to light my fire then the fire from above would come and burn and consume the the carbon. So, I have to do what's called my the my awakening from below. So, I scrub the floors. I have to scrub the inside. Comes the seven days of Pesach the eight days if you add the Pesach that's when Hashem does his part. He says, you clean your system for a week or three or four weeks I'll come on Pesach I'll do the rest. I'll come from above and refine everything. I'll take all the junk away. You just start. So, I have a week exactly a week to really do my final cleaning. You know, usually in the first few weeks when you clean you clean the closets, you take the clothes out, you open the books. The week before Pesach is when it's a serious cleaning. Take the oven out of its place, the fridge comes out and start scrubbing. That's when the serious cleaning is. Now in our house third floor there's already these strips caution clean for Pesach stickers there don't go up. My my kid did a sin yesterday. He took a cookie and he crossed the no cookie zone. Alarms going on. What are you doing? You know, the no cookie alarms. It's a alarm that just goes He was traumatized. He threw the cookie. NOW YOU MADE IT WORSE. NOW THE COOKIE IS BROKEN into pieces. WHAT DID YOU DO? He's like He crossed the no cookie line. But So the closer I get to Pesach the more deeply cleaning goes. I mean my groom is already clean but the oven that I need to cash for two hours is not clean. So, I have a a week now to clean my deep cleaning and don't worry you do your Hashem is going to come from above and take everything all the junk away from us and that is our time. I go out of my limitation. I clean my how I need to do it. Hashem says, I'll do the rest. You come to the ocean I'll open it. You just do your cleaning I'll already help you. That's why you know how the the the holiday is called? We call it Pesach. That's Pesach is an invention by the way. Pesach came our sages it's from the comes the word Pesach. In the Torah it's called matzah. So, the biblical name is the holiday of matzah. Our sages already called it said let's call it Pesach. But really the name is but we also have another name for it it's called freedom. The holiday of freedom. If you do what you need to do you will be freed. You'll go to your spiritual freedom. Needless to say that if we were able to reach to that level we also go into our physical freedom. Is that a shame? We should merit to be freed and and out of our exile both in the physical and the spiritual level. We have another week to work on that. Is that a shame we should win and gain our time and hopefully sacrifice the Pesach in this year. Have a beautiful rest of the week and a happy and kosher Pesach.