Choosing the RIGHT school for YOUR child | Crown Heights, March 3, 2025

There's a well-known story about a mechanich from Israel named Alexander Benun, and he was affiliated with the with the rashid with the network of Aliyah Yitzchak, a network of Chabad schools in Israel. And in the course of his working with the schools, he came up with the 10 divrei of Chanoch, like 10 fundamental rules of education. And he was in with the Rebbe and he shared with the Rebbe his 10 Chanoch rules based on his experience running these uh this network of schools. So, the Rebbe looked over the 10 rules and gave some type of affirmation or approval uh and then added with a smile, "However, you forgot the 11th rule, which is there are no rules." So, what what does that mean? The 11th rule of Chanoch is that there are no rules. I mean, there are no rules? That's that's chaos. That's absolute uh wild abandon. You can't educate children with no rules. Children thrive on rules. They have to have rules. They have to have structure. How can we say that the 11th rule of Chanoch is there are no rules? Let's just do whatever you want. So, you have to understand what it means there are no rules. There are no rules doesn't mean that children don't need rules. There are no rules means that educators and parents should not bind themselves to preconceived notions and get stuck in a box of what they think every child needs because it's just not so. There's no one set way that every child needs to be educated, which of course we know goes all the way back to and Malachi who said in his wisdom, "Chanukah l'naar al pi darko." Educate the child according to his way. So, there are no rules means just because something worked for one child doesn't mean it'll work for the next child. Just because something worked for one child this day doesn't mean the very same child is going to benefit from that same thing the next day. We have to improvise, adapt, be flexible, and do really what the child needs. That's what it means there are no rules. So, when we speak about schools, when we speak about choosing a school, the right school, here's the main thing to remember. It's not about which school is good and which school is not good. All of the schools are good. All of the schools are great. In fact, for some child, every single school is the very best possible school that could ever exist. And then for another child, that same exact school is not good at all. Because for that child, it's not conducive to what the child's needs are. And it we really requires that parents have the courage to recognize who their child is, what their child's needs are, and do what's right for the child. We so often talk to our children about peer pressure, don't succumb to peer pressure. You don't have to do something just because all the kids are doing it. But the reality is, I think more than the children succumb to peer pressure, the parents succumb to peer pressure, that there's this tremendous stigma about being different. Nobody wants to do anything different. And then what happens in many cases, it's gotten much better over the past few years, but what used to happen almost all the time, it was a disaster, that nobody would do anything even slightly different until it was already a point of disaster. Meaning just keep stuffing a kid in the wrong place even though he's clearly not thriving or even the opposite of thriving, but just keep pushing him through because that's what's deemed normal. And God forbid our family be off the beaten path and we do anything that's unconventional. And then these children are literally being sacrificed at the altar of social norms. And in the end all the terrible things that the the parent feared end up happening anyway because the child falls apart. So we don't need to wait until disaster. We don't have to wait until the collapse of the child, God forbid, to say what does my child need? Could it be something different? Could it be something uh less of the standard, less of the norm. Now let let me just explain a little bit more what that means. There's no inherent superiority to being normal. There's no inherent superiority to being different. Okay, a lot of times what happens, you know, there's an expression to the man who only has a hammer, everything looks like a nail. People discover a solution and then that becomes the solution for everything. They want to have that be the answer for every question. So people say, "OH, SMALL SCHOOLS, THAT'S THE ANSWER to all of our problems." Why? What if a child's doing really well in a large school? What if that child thrives on the energy I I I he he What if the child needs the the the the you know, a lot of times the larger schools have a a a more tight structure cuz they kind of have to inherently have a tighter structure because you know, have so many you you have so many students and it's just not as flexible. It's not as tailor-made. And but that child thrives on that and that child actually is growing. Why would you say, "Well, you know what? Let's give him Let's put him in a in a smaller school." Maybe he doesn't need a smaller school. But then you have another child could be that child's very own sibling. Could be two children growing up in the same home. And for that child, he desperately needs something that's more bespoke, more tailor-made, something that's more individualized. So, there's nothing inherently superior about saying, "Let's stick with the big legacy name brand, call it uh or brand name schools." There's nothing inherently superior about saying, "Let's go off the beaten path. Let's try something different. Let's try something uh unusual." It all depends on the child. So, don't become a uh let's say do- don't become married to a particular solution as if that's the solution for all cases and for all children. I remember one time I don't think it was this year, maybe it was last year. I put out a voice note before the first day of school. And I said, "Parents, I'm begging you, don't send your kid to school if it's not the right school. And even if you don't know where you're sending him, don't just send him because it you're you're warehousing him. Don't send him for a glorified babysitting service. If you need to keep him home, keep him home." I remember I sent out that voice note. I sent it out on uh the Soul Words WhatsApp group, I think, you know, to like my to my list. People, I guess, ended up forwarding it. It went way beyond where I expected expected it to go. And how did a lot of people take it? People were coming over to me saying, "Oh, you're saying you should homeschool your kid." No, I did not say you should homeschool your kid. I said, "Don't just send them for the sake of sending them. It's better keep them home until you have the right place to send them. Don't just send just to send anywhere." If you have the right place, by all means, send to that school. But when people heard it, they all you like I said, if a person only has a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. So, they oh, "Keep your kid home." No, if that's the right thing for that kid, keep that kid home. But if that kid's going to do well by being sent to the school that they're that they're enrolled in right now, by all means, send the kid to the school they're enrolled in now. The point is, we have to have the the creativity, the flexibility, the uh open-mindedness to say what does this child need, to know your child first of all, because you can't make those decisions unless you know your child. You have to know who your child is as far as their personality, their strengths, their weaknesses, their challenges. And also, to know the lay of the land as far as chinuch, to know what's out there. It behooves every parent to know what the alternatives are, what the options are. Even if you do end up sending to one of the the legacy, mainstream, uh larger institutions, it's just good to know what's out there. Thank God in Crown Heights, there's diversity, there are options. Um there's generally good professional courtesy between the the educational institutions, which is an amazing thing. Uh which I don't think maybe people in Crown Heights understand how unusual it is. If you go to other communities, other citizen, where there's basically one option, you know, everybody sends to that one school, and that's it. There are no other options. Crown Heights is an incredible place where you have options, it behooves you to know what those options are. Even if for your kid, you'll end up sending them to the same place that you went, and the same place your parents went, cuz if it works, you know, if if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But, to just know what the options are, and that the options are available, and that when it's the right thing for your child to have that flexibility, and not to be confined by your own self-imposed limitations of self-consciousness, my what are people going to say about it? The what the stigma, what's going to be with shidduchim, we're going to become unusual. There's no unusual. There's no unusual. A parent who's doing the right thing for their child's chinuch, and making sure that their child thrives, that's that's that's not considered especially in today's day and age, like I was saying before, when you don't do the right thing by your child, it's a formula for disaster. God forbid I don't want to talk about it in the in the in negative terms. So, when you do the right thing with your child, and you are sure that the child thrives because you are recognizing what this child needs, really all that that social stigma and that fear of being different, that's in your head. It's really in your head. And the truth is, the more that people do what's right for their children, the more common it'll become. The more common it'll become, the easier people will be able to make these decisions, and also has another residual effect, which is, you know, people always have I don't know if it's a if it's a legitimate excuse, or if it's more of like a you know, it's a way that people have a rationalizing not doing the right thing for their kid, but sometimes people will say, "Well, I don't want to pull them out of the mainstream place because the smaller place who knows if they'll be around forever." You know, people have have those fears, but here's the thing. If you do what's right for your kid and that becomes more normalized and more people are doing what's right for their kid, then the optional places are going to have more enrollment, they're going to be stronger, and they will be around. They will be So, it sort of becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy. "Oh, I'm afraid to put my kid in this place because who who knows if they'll be around?" But, put them in and then when you put them in, your neighbor puts their kid their kid in, and then someone else puts their kid in, and then these schools do thrive. So, the way to create more options, which is good for everybody, by the way, it's even for the parents who don't send to those schools, it's better for the whole community. Because the more children you have who are being engaged like like we said, "Chanoch l'naar al pi darko." Who are being engaged in a way that is actually fitting that child's temperament and that child's needs educationally, socially, and so on and so forth, the stronger the whole community becomes. So, you you it's not just the to the benefit of your child, it's really to the benefit of all of us that everybody thinks out of the box and you do what your child needs. Now, I just want to mention also the idea of small class size. I want to repeat something I said before about there's no inherent superiority to one thing or the other, it depends on the kid. Some kids are going to do better in a large class. So, I'm not saying everyone needs a smaller classes. However, I will mention you something that everyone said about smaller class size, and actually it's uh coming up. It's in It's Shasman Grama, which is a poor mesicha in toughshin lamed base. So, it was actually older bachum who were complaining about the bachum who, instead of learning in 770, were learning in Beis Torah. So, the Rebbe said a sicha on Purim about small class size. That when you divide up the groups according to learning levels, and you give each group more tailor-made, individualized learning. So, the Rebbe says this this lotion. So, you decrease the class size in commas, in in quantity, and you increase in aichos, you increase the quality. So, this is an educational concept that the Rebbe spoke about, that by giving more tailor-made attention, more individualized care, you actually create a better uh experience for the students. Now, I was even speaking about older students who are more or less on their own, more or less self-sufficient. How much more so younger students who need much more attention, much more focus, much more care. Um I think I'll just say one one more thing, which is that if you look throughout the Rebbe's igrus, whenever parents would write to the Rebbe about chinuch and about school, the Rebbe's one theme that almost always is repeated is the concept of yiras shamayim. That education has to emphasize yiras shamayim. That there are many different considerations that people seem to be concerned about regarding their their child's education. Um the Rebbe says the most important is yiras shamayim, which means not just the child will learn information, but the child will become a moral person with good values, somebody who knows right from wrong, and is able to make good choices on their own. And this is the concept of "me do tell me them Harvey". "Stand up many disciples". What do I mean "stand up many disciples"? It means that a disciple is only a disciple if they're self-sufficient, if they're able to do what they're supposed to do when nobody's watching. Meaning not what they do because the teacher is watching them and is going to give them a sticker if if they do what they're supposed to do, but even outside of the classroom or even after they leave school and they're on their own, they're adults, and they have an internal moral compass. Okay, so the main thing the main consideration is always what will the child gain as far as morality and values for the rest of his or her life. Will this child grow up to be someone who can choose the right things even when nobody's watching. That's the main thing. Now, what does that mean? How how do you actually know what place is going to ensure that. So, first of all, definitely, I mean, there's many many letters from the Rebbe about this. Um to make compromises in Yiddishkeit for when it comes to school, the the the Rebbe was always against. In fact, the the the Rebbe mentioned many times that the greatest assurance of health and of the future livelihood of the child is always going to be a strong background of Yiddishkeit. It's always It always comes down to the spiritual foundations, always. There's no other consideration. Okay. But the question becomes not should I compromise Yiddishkite. Maybe there are many good not just Yiddish options, but Siddish options. They're all very They're all Kedoshim. They're all holy. So, how do you understand this or that one being more conducive to Yiddishkeit or not? And that basically comes down to the most basic idea of Chinuch, which is that what a person will internalize, what a person will come away with, is what counts much more than what was just said. One of the great rules of Chinuch is the teacher knows what he said, but is Does he know what the students heard? And not just what the students heard, what the students will remember a year from now or 10 years from now. So, you have to actually ask yourself, where does this child stand the best chance of internalizing the core values of Yiddishkite? If this is a child who needs more specialized attention, this is a child who needs a less socially competitive environment, let's say. If it's a child who needs more flexibility, uh if if it's a a child who needs a warmer, more family feeling in order to absorb Yiddishkeit, okay, then Yiddishkeit, you have to put the child in that environment. But everything goes according to what the child needs. So, let's not make one rule this way or that way. Only send to big schools. Only send to small schools. Only home school. That's ridiculous. In fact, if you're really, really being Machanech Al Pi Darko, and you're really looking at what your children need, then it's completely possible, and indeed I've seen many families like this, where one kid is going to the big school, one kid's going to the small school, and one kid's staying home. And then the next year, it mixes up again, because maybe there's a better class for this kid. And you have to be flexible. Anytime anybody's just doing the same thing for all the kids because that's what we did, that's what our parents did, you have to ask yourself, okay, sometimes it's really true. That kid could be that there's a there's a family where the same school works for all the kids and their parents and their grandparents. Could happen, but really if you are taking a look at who your child is, if you know your child, then it's very possible that you're going to mix and match, you're going to do different things for different kids, you're going to do do different things for the same kid in different years. Again, there's no one solution. We don't have to be married to any of these solutions. People take it to such an extreme where they say, well, I'm going to I'm going to cross this bridge and I can never return. First of all, I want you to know that the climate is not like that. I mean, in Crown Heights at least, I can tell you from from the moistest that there is a mutual understanding, there's an openness, a professional courtesy between the the the the schools. It's not like you make this decision and now you're stuck with it and now this kid can never go back. Do what makes sense for your kid this year. And then, you know what? Next year, you'll re-evaluate completely from scratch again from Don't do Don't do something again just because that's what you did. No such concept and do what's right for that kid the next year and for each of your kids each year. Okay, but the main thing is we have to be courageous. Can't succumb to the peer pressure, to the stigma, to the to the the social norms and accept the God-given duty that you are given. Hashem chose you as your child's main educator and part of being their main educator is to know your child, to know what they need, to know what the options are. Baruch Hashem, there are many, many options, and do what's right for your child at this time on a case-by-case basis. Don't get locked in. Don't uh be stuck in the mochin de-katnus. We need mochin de-gadlus. We need to be able to think creatively, innovatively. And what parent wouldn't do everything that they can do to give their child the best possible chance of of growing up to be successful in life. Yeah. So, the question was, what if you have a child who's doing extremely Do you Do you say extremely well academically, but is struggling behaviorally? Yeah, but as a and I guess as a parent, I see that as a symptom of another part of themselves that they're having a hard time Yeah. Okay. So, this is It's always difficult when you have to sort of evaluate where your pros and cons. It would It would always be nice if the options were clear options. Like, this one is all good, and this one is all not good, and then Okay. There's always yesh bozeh, ein bozeh. This one has qualities that the other doesn't have. Which, by the way, is the same thing with schools. Please do not pretend that there are not trade-offs. Of course, there are trade-offs. There's always a cost-benefit analysis. There's all You're always giving up something to get something else. So, there's no scenario in the world where I'm going to send my kid to this school, and I will lose nothing because of that decision. You're going to lose something. You're going to lose something. The question is, what are you gaining? And what you're gaining, is it significant enough to offset what you're losing. So, a scenario like this, let's say, I mean, it could be that there's another place where behaviorally he'll do better, and he won't lose anything academically. But, let's say it's not the Moshiach's not here yet. You don't have such a perfect option. Let's say you're going to have to compromise or sacrifice some level academically, but behaviorally you'll gain. Okay, let's pretend that's the scenario, or maybe even that is the scenario. Is that the scenario more or less, or something like it? Or Okay. So, here's the thing. Chinuch is not hora'ah, like the pedagogue that speaks about in Klalei Chinuch u'Drachav. It's a short little book every every every educator, and really every parent, should read it. Hora'ah means teaching information. Chinuch means guiding the whole person to be a mensch. So, there can be a student who is amassing a lot of information, but you see that the complete person, the complete picture, is is not gaining. And because Torah is not just about knowledge, it's not just about knowing information, it's about being a mensch. It's about knowing your purpose in the world. It's about middos toivos. It's about having a sense of of identity and pride, really. Of of of holy self-esteem, not a secular self-esteem, but self-esteem that's based on your neshama as your primary identity. So, you really have to make a decision, like if a child's education in one place is only serving one particular part of them, meaning the intellectual part. But it's not serving other parts. Maybe other people would say other things, you know, depends how you view Yiddishkeit. Some would say Talmud Torah K'neged Kulam and that's everything, that's the end all, the be all, and become a gadol and a Talmud Chacham and that's it. I think Chassidus would say be a complete Jew. So, in the ideal scenario, you wouldn't have to make that decision. The child could have his cake and eat it, too, or in this case, the parents would have their cake and eat it, too. They would be able to give their child the best of both worlds. But if you have to compromise one area in order to strengthen the whole child, to me, like you're weighing one area versus the whole child. Now, intellect is one part of a person. It's not the whole person. It's not the end all, be all. If a person is just uh and and and if they're they're just a professor, they just have a lot of knowledge, but it's not integrated. That's that's not really the purpose of chinuch. That's Torah, but it's it's it's not it's not chinuch. And very often, by the way, a child who is doing well academically, I'm not saying this is the case in the question you're asking, but it is quite common. A child who's doing really, really well, or you said extremely well, academically, generally, it's because I mean, there's a combination of the education they're getting, but a lot of it has to do with personality. It's just a kid who is more he takes to learning more naturally. So, a kid like that, ultimately, if you put him in a in a in a that's fostering his development as a person as a complete person, as a whole person he ends up doing well in learning anyways because he's just got that kind of a brain. Quite often, quite often that's the case. The question was about a child who maybe he's enjoying he's placed in a school where perhaps he's enjoying it now, maybe they have good teachers who are connecting with the child but it's a clear compromise in Yiddishkeit standards where it's just just In our standards, in our standards of Yiddishkeit. I have I'm not saying it doesn't exist. I haven't seen a letter, a minor, a hero from the Rebbe telling somebody to make a compromise in Yiddishkeit. I've never seen it. Um And the Rebbe is always very concerned with is the child happy? Do they have friends? It's not just about are they learning? You know, it's also about is the child well-adjusted as a as a complete person? And yet you always see an insistence on the Rebbe's part for the highest standards of Yiddishkeit. Which I don't know if this answers every person's question, but I think Baruch Hashem that's part of the amazing opportunity that we have today where there's so many options within Chabad Chinuch in this neighborhood. It's like perhaps in the past a person felt like they had no choice but to go somewhere else like literally to leave the community because there were just no other options. Today there are so many more options within our community meaning where we have our standards and and our our connection to the Rebbe, which for us is really the foundation of chinuch is that it's uh it's a siddur chinuch. It's in the in the spirit of of the Rebbe's guidance that the the Rebbe's worldview is given uh the most uh most decisive or the most uh most important regard. And I I don't think I'm not saying that nobody is forced to make these comparisons today or to look outside of the community today, but there's so much variety and diversity all under the banner of a of a Chabad chinuch today that thank God it's a lot less necessary for that. Maybe that somebody's in a situation where that is their their reality, but it's it's it's certainly more than ever before the options exist. And they're all siddur chinuch options. You know, they might have different styles or or flavors and with this or with that, but it's all you know, it's all Chabad. Which is, you know, it's an amazing thing that we have those we have those options today. Yeah. The question is what if you really have a family like I kind of described earlier where one kid's going to one school, another kid's going to another school, but one kid maybe is home this year, and you you think there's a lack of feeling of like cohesiveness where we're all on the same that we have the same identity, we all have we're all on the same page. Um You know, there's a famous story that a guy complained some of these different everyone tells this story with the different Rosh Yeshiva or a different rebbe. When a father comes in and he complains and he says uh "Rebbe, I don't know what's wrong. I gave all of my kids exactly the same chinuch and this one turned out like this, this one turned out like that." And uh and the rebbe says, "That's the problem. You gave them all exactly the same chinuch." Chanoch l'naar al pi darko is a is a serious thing and you have to be courageous and you have to be willing to do what's right for your kid. And you don't get to choose what's right for your kid. I mean I mean you get to figure out what's right for them, but you don't get to say, "Well, I want all my kids should have the same thing be right for them." That might be easier. It might be easier on a lot of levels, not just socially. I I keep coming back to like social stigma. Even practically. Just it's easier for everyone to have the same schedule, the same vacations, the same this, the same that. Or or like you're saying, maybe mitzad the the feeling of identity that we all have we are we're all we all belong to this school, you know, sort of like team spirit. Yeah, that would they that has advantages. Everything has advantages. Everything has advantages and disadvantages, but you don't get to to pick and say, "I want to have a family full of kids who all are perfect for this school." And if the reality is that one kid is good for this school, one kid is kid is good for that school, one kid is good for staying home this year and you're doing what's right for all of your kids that's your identity. And in fact, I would argue that's a much clearer identity than just, "Well, we're doing the default thing. We're doing the normal thing. And why we sending you here? Because that's where I went. That's where my father went." You know, let's you know, legacy. Let's you just keep sending them. But when we do what's right for each kid on a case-by-case basis that's a clear identity. That's a statement. That That shows you actually have some beliefs that you're standing for. Now, I'm not saying that a family who sends all their kids to all the same place doesn't have a clear uh shita in chinuch because it could happen that all their kids are all good for the same school. That can happen. But if that's not the case, then you have to do what's right for them. And don't uh don't worry about being wishy-washy that it'll appear like we don't have a clear identity. Doing what's right for our kids becomes our identity. And And for a child, ultimately, what's what's the most important thing for a child? It's security, it's safety, stability. And when they know that you are going to do what's right for them, you are monitoring them, you're watching them, you understand them, you have a knowledge of their unique needs, and you are constantly tweaking, reevaluating, and doing what's right for your kid at each moment, that gives the child the security to be able to grow. So, it might feel like it's a lack of security because we're doing something different and we're Security comes in many different ways. There's many different forms of of stability. Sometimes the most unstable thing is to send all the kids to one school year after year after year after year. It outwardly looks stable cuz it's just a uniform thing. Everyone's doing the same thing. It looks very, you know, cookie-cutter. But if the kids are not thriving, if they're not doing well, then that's the opposite of stability. So, you know, we sometimes we have to look, you know, you know, into the penimius of things and not just the way that they appear outwardly. So, the the question was you talked about where you went to school and you felt a very strong identity with being part of that school, that community, and a pride, and uh you're wondering if it if your kids, by not going to such a school, are lacking that. And the answer is could very well be they are lacking it. But everything's a trade-off. Now, it may be for you having that sense of pride built into your identity as a member of a certain community was really important for you. Maybe that was so important that it outweighed other things that maybe you didn't get. Not saying there were things that you didn't get, but even if there were things that you didn't get, you have to look at the child. Yeah, you you bet you there are certain kids who they thrive on that identity, and that carries them, and they're not the top learner, and they're not the most social, but being part of an identity, a group, and having that group um pride is really important for them. Then there are other kids who they're totally not into that, and and they'll never be into it, and and it's just not how they are. They're not social creatures, they're more introspective. In fact, maybe they even get overwhelmed by that type of intensity, maybe it feels socially competitive to them. So, you just have to know who your kid is, and do what makes sense for them. I think that's the the main idea that we keep coming back to is know who your child is, know what their needs are, and this then just have the courage to do whatever's right for that child. Uh-huh, that's a very good question. The the question is, there's the mainstream is the default. At what age do you start entertaining other options? Okay. So, what you're It's a great question, cuz what you're asking essentially is bidacus in a subtle way what I referred to much earlier tonight when I said, "It used to be people would not think out of the box until there was a crisis." Things had to finally collapse before they would entertain anything outside of what you call the default. What you're saying is sort of like a subtle version of that, which is okay, there's the default, the normal thing, and then we'll we'll we'll we'll watch and we'll see when the when the normal thing isn't working, you know, how bad does it have to get, at what stage does what at what stage does it require intervention, and then we'll we'll come in and we'll we'll take them off from what the default and we'll put them on an alternative track. So, that's still the same idea of I'm going to wait for things not to work before I think creatively. And what I'm saying is think creatively from day one. Now, it may be very probable that the default is perfect for your kid. In fact, I would even argue the default is good for the majority of kids, which is why it is the mainstream, cuz it's the it's it's a good option for the most amount of people. I don't think it's an accident. I think the majority of people probably do do do well with the default, but don't assume you put them in the default until they start showing signs that it's not working, and then then you change it up. There There's no default. Clinical neuroplasticity is from the very beginning try to figure out what this child needs from the youngest of ages. Don't wait till they're 10 or even till till till till they're five. Make the right decisions for the child from the very beginning, from day one. I think that type of thinking needs to be more uh popularized. It doesn't mean that all of a sudden everyone's going to go run and pull their kids out of the big schools. Big schools are great, and for the kids, they're probably doing what what they need to do for them. But, when that's not the case, um don't wait until you see signs that it's not working. Be ahead of it. Do it preemptively. Know your child well enough and know the schools well enough that you can make those decisions beforehand. Like I I I'll give you an example that's very very like parve because it's so normal because it's like something that everybody does and no one even thinks twice about it. Let's say somebody is sending to a large school, one of you know, the main mainstream schools. And let's say there's five third grade classes. And you would find out who are the different teachers, and you know your kid, you know his personality, and you know which teacher has which style, and you would request, or maybe even more than request, you would try to get your kid into that particular class because of that teacher. You wouldn't wait. You wouldn't just say, "Well, let's wait until Hashvin and see if my child's not thriving." If you have information, and if you're a good parent, you try to have information ahead of time, then you're going to try to set your kid up in the right place for him from day one. Well, just take that same premise and expand it to to schools. Figure out what's right for the child before you send them. Before you send them. Don't send them and just let's see how well it works, and if it doesn't work, there's options. I don't think that's the right way to think of it. Know what you're getting into before you send your child. I should also mention one more thing, and I want to I don't know how I'm going to say this without saying it in a negative way. I think I'm going to have to say it negative, and then I'll try to say it in the positive afterwards, which is the the effects of a negative emotional association with chinuch are beyond what we can fathom. So, when a child is and I don't want to give anyone a guilt complex here because we make mistakes and we send our kids to the wrong situations all the time and then we have to after the fact adjust it. So, I don't want to make anyone feel like they have to get it right every single time. But, when a child does have a hard time and we're not ahead of at least taking care of it as quickly as possible, the toll that that takes, the negative emotional associations that they build with Yiddishkeit because of being in the wrong class, having the wrong teacher, the wrong peers, the wrong whatever, um it it's significant. And we need to do everything we can to spare our children from that. Okay, that was saying it in the negative way. Let me say it in the positive way. If we can get ahead of it preemptively and set our children up to have a positive emotional association with Yiddishkeit because they enjoy their educational experience, that has lifelong benefit for the child. So, instead of just saying, let's go for the default and when it's not working, we'll think about changing it up, let's plan out everything, let's do our research, let's know our kids, know the schools, and set our children up for success. Are we always going to get it right? No, and in that case, we'll also have to change things up. But, let's do our best to set it up correct the first time and that positive experience the child has where they feel good about school, that becomes generalized to their whole feeling about Yiddishkeit for the rest of their life in in ways that are just absolutely invaluable. You said that already. So, you're talking about a situation where a child already was failed and damage was already done, God forbid, and the negative associations were already formed. And at that point, we're really just trying to save this kid. Right? And at at that point, it really is about where they're going to feel connected, where they're going to feel safe, where they're going to feel sense of belonging. Um yeah, when you get to that point. But, I think the whole point over here is we're trying to not get to that point. And because of all the options that exist today, that didn't exist in the past, we have a lot better chance of getting it right the first time. Or at a at a much younger age or at a much earlier stage, which is it's a wonderful thing that we have that ability today. But, yeah, when when when when someone's at that advanced stage of just having been burnt out to a point where, you know, the whole thing becomes a double most to them, then yeah, then the the the whole job becomes curative at that point. What can we do to to win them back, to win back their trust? Yeah. But, again, the main thing is not to lose lose our kids' trust. Instead of having to gain back their trust, we shouldn't lose their trust. And the one way that we don't lose their trust is by taking care of them the best we can ahead of time. We do our best, and Hashem gives uh Siyata Dishmaya to every parent. And even with that, you know, we have Bechirah Chofshis and we're limited, and we make mistakes, and we try to correct our mistakes. But, to the extent that we can get it right the first time and do what's right for our kid, we got to try to do that. Okay. Fine. Good. All right. That's a Yiddishe Chesed Shel Nachas. Okay.