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Cholentface: the Perks of Being a Chabad Rabbi
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Watch comedian Cholentface deal with a heckler. Come watch him live in Crown Heights this Thursday, November 7. Tickets at frumprov.com
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
I feel like, you know how
every Chabad House has perks?
My brother lives in Mexico
and Donald Trump sponsored his entire Sukkah
all four walls!
I feel like over here, the biggest perk is
that you've got eight Mikvahs to yourself
the most cleanest, pristine Mikvahs
you can even Toivel dishes in there. Nobody will know
and what's with this whole thing of
no Toiveling dishes in men's Mikvahs?
I don't get it. What are they worried about?
That people are going to start actually using the dishes
and drinking the Mikvah water?
Did it used to happen back in the day
there were a bunch of old men sitting & talking politics
while eating watery spaghetti and meatballs?
But I do get it
I was once Toiveling a knife
and by mistake I dropped it and gave someone a Bris
the lifeguard threw me out immediately
and ever since then,
I'm no longer allowed in kiddie pools
or within ten feet of any school
Yeah, Chabad!
You know, some people hate Chabad
and I really feel bad for them
because they can't get away from us
like you can go anywhere in the world
and Chabad is there
you run away to Turkey, we'll come and Shecht it
you go to Finland, we'll bring you scales
fly to Peru, we'll tell you Urevu
there's nowhere, you can't get away from us
I had a friend who went to a Tzaddik
and got a Bracha for Arichas Yomim
and the next day got sent on Shlichus to Antarctica
Chabad is in Antarctica
this poor guy
every Sukkos, he sits there shivering in his parka
wishing he'd taken that open spot in Yemen
every Chanukah, he lights his candles
and his entire igloo melts
but at least he gets six months
of Nittel Nacht
so, every Chabad House has its perks, right?
There's even Chabad in hell
No, I'm just kidding
that spot is reserved
Helsinki, heh
(audience member: For?)
For?
Chabad of Neturei Karta!
You know, those guys, kissing Yasser Arafat
waving Hezbollah flags on Simchas Torah
shouting SHEMA PALESTINE!!
That was maybe too far. Sorry...
This Thursday, November 4 in Crown Heights. Frumprov.com