Chinuch with Passion, Rabbi Chaim Zvi Senter #123

foreign tonight thank you all for coming and joining uh let's get real programmed tonight's share 123 should really be share 124 but due to Usher parnis it was no share last week I apologize um hopefully should we share every Sunday again we start our first subscribe to everybody for coming the platform is growing the trends ready two and a half years you're 123. we say thank you for all the people that are coming every week posting it letting people know about it on WhatsApp emailing it to family and friends and I really appreciate it to grow together so let's keep it going and if anybody wants to join the WhatsApp to get the flyers every week you can send me a WhatsApp at 848-525-0066 or you could go to monopolverical.com hit sign up for his emails he sends out the the weekly Flyers of the speakers to send in your questions together with the replacement Trend that will be uploaded later tonight the replay of this year anybody's watching if you click on the like button and the Subscribe button for coach monoton and every time the new comes up you get you get notified you get to watch every single share so please join us a special thank you to all the advertising sponsors the liquid scoop Ellie Ariel from Five Town Central and Kyla California summer from jcn the Jewish content Network for always promoting us on all the Jewish digital platforms if anybody's here for the first time every Sunday night at 9 30 on this Zoom ID we have tremendous therapist tremendous topics so if you're here for the first time welcome and please join us every week if you could show them next week we're gonna have a shared December 4th program is going to be um with the world famous Schuler Epstein one of the biggest therapy therapists actually that specializes in OCD anxiety um he's from Scranton and um in therapy world is very very well known so please join us a Twitter interesting topic talking about anxiety or piety understanding the OCD and anxieties in The Firm worlds who wants to really Keen in on that and really discuss it and uh he's the moment in that area so it should be very powerful definitely listen and please join tonight we have this question the honor of having a world famous for Shiva thousands of tell me them it's crimes to be Center for marriages and let's try to get out of him whatever we could tonight and really get to the to get to the core of it tonight she's 123 are the president of let's get real or Noah fried came up the Gematria tonight it's 123 to trim finish we should always achieve it without with love the moon and believing what you're doing is right and believing in the children so that's the Mantra Dynamic chairman should come out the perfect amateur let's start off first with the opening tonight with our host coach berenfeld coach what are we doing here tonight welcome everyone to another episode of this year let's get right let's get real of course and tonight we're supposed to have with us we have a center um before we go tonight's um I did get a lot of emails um trying to figure out what they're gonna do for last week when we didn't have a show but I hope you got a chance to catch up those uh those that you missed and we're happy to see you back and here we are to continue so we've had many episodes on thinnest and the different way of looking at it and that's really what we're going to discuss tonight it's more like how to apply a lot of Concepts we discussed heard from different listen to the different speakers different ways how but for those who are in the world of kind of for those who deal or you with your own kids you know that when you're actually facing a challenge it's not always so easy to apply and take all the things that you learned so it does it does need Hazard does need more even more information to understand each child is different so especially tonight which we have they're supposed to have every Center which he deals deals with the stay in Day Out but if you can imagine uh in in school for example a classroom of 28 or maybe 38s very hard for the teacher for the rep to connect and even uh even the kids at home talking about a child one of six for example to understand each child's the only way you can you can be there to have the influence to be able to connect is if you understand each child but you know you have your way we have all the things the way we grew up the parents themselves many times the strong bias issues one things we should do this way the other the other way each child is different and to really to be able to connect to be able to go into the trial shoot to really understand but really it's it takes it to the next level it's not enough that we understand the child it's not enough that the teacher could say I understand the kids in the class the next level is that the child should feel understood that's that's a hard one the child should be able to say this review understands me my mother understands me my my father understands me that's the that's the next level and uh that's what we're looking for hopefully with the oldest urine and all the things that we're learning and with the experience with the challenges that we have usually our kids push us to the wall and we have to figure it out we can't just do what we did with the other child every kid is different and we start learning to understand that even though we think a but they think B to understand how they think so we can slowly go down to their level to understand talk to them and then slowly hopefully feel that they should feel that they have somebody to understand them so that we should have the the influence the ashbour that we want that they should grow up healthy is so thank you very much representative for being with us tonight and um hopefully we'll be able to go into how to how to apply what can we do different when they're young and now when they're older and how to hold their hands while that they're going through challenges or whatever it is to be there for them because let's get into it again tonight's shares topic is clinical passion getting your kids to do what they want what kids do what they want they that they don't want to do so they can achieve what they want to achieve can I share sponsored by Ellie and Connie Eismann of ee events with a cursive talk to Russia the dedication of devotion he gives each time it may continue to be Mark's Toyota Center's bio and then the center of the floor is yours and we sent his bio growing up in a rabbit Family Center absorbing strong Terror values in a sense of a Christ with a cloud a polluting Yeshiva spiritual life for five years of his Center started delivering them in the mirror five years later in the summer of 2006 with The Gardens of Israel she was covered he opened his own Yeshiva with just 20 boys today his enrollment stands at 110 students 90 married Royal students and over 20 Rebellion represented was influenced by his grandfather of Rosenbaum an activist and the driving force behind the Roosevelt Yeshiva of North Jersey he's also greatly influenced by the teachers communist common Shapiro my son's name okay brilliant educators of years past he lives in Asia neighbor of yushalayim with his wife and children are very excited to have you thank you for joining us thank you so much it's a pleasure and an honor to be here even though it's uh 4 30 in the morning but I'm still so happy and very alert because I'm excited the gematri of today's year was [Music] so I I think that it's extremely important to realize that the most the foundation of all has to be ahava it needs to be that that that and that has to come through that uh uh whether it's a child or whether it's a talmud has to realize that his rebbe is there his parents is there because they love him and the way that they're treating them what they're what they're doing with them is coming from love that says to be the foundation of everything it has to be ahava and they have to build trust that the that the the child or the talmud trusts his parents and Israeli and that the piece that's writes about very much how important it is that automa should feel like he can trust is ready that he that that he that his Revy knows best and one of the things that I'd like to say we're talking about all these different types of um is the Golden Rule of in my opinion the Golden Rule I would say this is the Golden Rule is that there are no rules the Golden Rule if you know he's you have to know every child is going to be different and if you have one Derek and one path in so then if you have tremendous muzzle all your children will work in that there but very often one child needs something a different child needs something else so we can't stick to just one way and I've I've noticed that of all the episodes that there's been here with Coach Menachem there have been many different and it's super important that people should be exposed to all of them because what's good for one child will not necessarily be good for the other child and I was just talking to a parent today and they were saying to me how this is our Derek and when someone asks me what's your direction or what's your goal for your town medium I tell them every Talent is different so therefore your goals are going to be different and your and your dare is going to be different with one time but maybe you're going to go very soft with another talmud you're gonna have to have more expectations of them or be more firm so for that reason if a person really wants to know how to do he's got to listen to all of the episodes of Coach Menachem they're all available online I'm sure you could get them and then you can hear all the different things that a person can perhaps utilize the different resources and it changes in different ages and different stages of a person's life also the way that you treat a child at a young age not necessarily the way you're going to treat them when he's older or if a child is struggling at one point in his life when when that struggle is over so then you can now adjust and you could change the way that your a person is dealing with this tell me them with his with his uh with his children so um one of the things I'd like to speak about is one of the duration the Posse says over there that should enjoy being young and is just enjoy go wherever you want to go and realize that all of that you're going to end up you're going to be accountable for so the way the Gomorrah says this is that it sounds like the apostlic is starting with you know have a good time and then the person success you should just know you're going to be accountable for everything says the gamara the Adkins Sahara is telling you have a good time enjoy yourself you know you can party and then the age of 12 is telling you got to be careful the brother will be so cilantro and the Ori Israel says that what that what the Gomorrah means what does mean when they say that is that a person has to when he's young utilize the Yates of Horror yes the harnesses when he's young make it fun make it exciting make him have a good time and and by doing that he can bring a person when he's older then you have to talk to a person with his wife when a person is more mature then there's a different approach but there's a way of getting a person out of his comfort zone even by using the eight sir toy and that's by for example a person using incentives incentives are something that work what it is is that giving a person a carrot you're giving them something which but you're getting them to get out of their comfort zone and I think that this is an extremely important the balotanya writes that to be an avid Hashem you have to be out of your comfort zone you have to be struggling there needs to be a struggle so there's many different ways to get a person to struggle one way is to try to give them a positive incentive and that's what it says over here in the the beginning of the possible but there's another way and that way is to have an expectation of a talent and when you expect something from a talent even though it's something that's difficult but you can you can encourage him out of his comfort zone and the Gomorrah says the following thing says sorry the message says there isn't a blade of grass in the world oh you made a love it's different but it's really the same thing there isn't a blade of grass that doesn't have a malach standing over it we don't have to take that literally here that's hitting it but it means there isn't a blade aggressive if you wanted something to grow anything has to grow it needs to be taken out of its comfort zone you need to take it out of its comfort zone you need to stretch it and that's the job of a rebbe the job of Arabian under normal circumstances is to create new expectations from this Talent I was by the students prayed of a friend of mine the penny Stern and he wanted to thank his Rabbi or abusive elephant he said I want to thank you Abby for not tolerating you're tell me them to be amaratsu was it wasn't tolerable and when Arabia doesn't tolerate that so then the talmud Rises up to the occasion that someone could say what do you mean you have to be tolerable you have to be understanding you have to be accepting but if a Talman knows that Arabi loves him and the rabbi loves him and because he loves him he says you can't stay in amarus so then the talmud feels pushed out of his comfort zone to become what we can become and again there's no rules because there are some people that because of what they've been through in their life they can't deal with that it's too traumatic for them and it's true there are some people that they're wounded but there's a Derek which is the the norm and the norm is that Arabi can expect from this Talent I had the we had the greatest Yeshiva to have come to speak and Zachary Wallace then when he spoke he says what do you want me to do you want me to hammer them you want me to hammer them like the camera to tell me them I said Robbie wallenstein they could take it he said I can't give it because before you Hammer them you have to hug them you hug them and Hammer them and I haven't hugged them yet because I don't know them but he's saying a tremendous sight a battle of the foundation has to be you have to hug yours I'll meet him and they have to feel the love but after that you can Hammer them you can have you can say I like I want more from you I expect more from you and the greatest that had so much love further tell me them but they had expectations I remember when I was a bucket Shiva and I had finished the sheer whatever it was it was during this year and I made the the Colossal mistake of going down to the laundry room to change to take my clothing out of the laundry during sale and there was a Shiva went came into the laundry room was during during was during and in walks the Russia and he looked at me with such a look of disappointment all the blood drains from my face I felt like I wanted to bury myself at that moment and he he he Shrugged his shoulders at me like what are you doing now someone can say that must have been so like painful and it was such a it was such a building moment for me because I knew that the rashiva expected more of me because he respected my conscious and what I was and who I could be and if Arabic can convey that to his talmud or a parent can convey that to a child if they can if they're much left to do that so then they can get more out of their thumbnail there's two amazing nutrition with this I'm going to close in this week's Parsha one measures the measure says rabba that how is it that a son it's Yachts of the terrapus right says the messages because his foot was too soft honest he didn't put down boundaries for asaph a political mattress and he says if if a parent now again we're dealing with if someone is a healthy child and every child a person has to know how to deal with that child but if a person has children that are that are healthy he should set boundaries for his children and if he doesn't says the medrish the child eventually says on on Ace of ace of was just waiting for his father to die here is his father it's giving him everything he's being permissive he had a soft spot for himself and this is just waiting for him to die because a a child appreciates one of parents that's boundaries and because Asa didn't have enough boundaries that's what happened of course it can't be critical of Youth Club but we can understand the message that the the medrish is telling us is that boundaries are important and a person wants to to get more out of his child so a child needs boundaries because we all need boundaries and if a person is going to be left to just do whatever he wants he's not going to accomplish what he himself wants to accomplish and we can help them by setting boundaries for them the same way we need a person who wants to excel in sports needs to have a coach a person that wants to it wants to lose weight needs to have someone who's going to to to help them with that a person who wants to accomplish things it's no difference to sin uh and I want to end it one last message out of the house that's uh that's uh you know some people would say that that's extreme of course it's not extreme in yakula and I remember in this case but how is it that Ishmael the manager says it's foreign it says that Avanti needs to go visit Ishmael he would go visit him he'd go to his house and he went multiple times and he and he spoke to him about his family even after he sent his son away and the message ends and says the medrish the Yonder you smile knew that until now his father had rahmanasana does that mean his father sent him out of the house it was with us everything was done with so a person can convey even when he's being firm extreme even when a person is sending a child out of the house and again every situation is very different and I'm not I'm not suggesting what anyone should do under their situations we could try to talk about it if we can but every situation is different but if there's a situation where something's being sent out of the house and to realize that it's being done by ahava that child can come back beautiful Center okay with a lot of questions we're going to cover a lot tonight make sure whatever we can cover and everybody's encouraged to ask anything live perform we'll start off with a poll and uh let's see what the little answers and then we'll get into it okay every Center okay it's three questionable here we go hold on one second first question do you think a person should set bandages with your teenage children or just be open-minded and supportive four answers there must be boundaries otherwise will be chaos option one option two I'm going to show love and giving the children freedom is the only way in today's generation option three there's a balance of boundaries at the same time giving our children freedom to choose as well option four honestly I am so confused I don't know myself anymore I choose four okay after all The Coachman Athens I don't know myself okay number two where are you holding with today three three options seem to have everything on the control box show them everybody's doing great um just came here to show everybody Center that you're supportive of the share but you just came to say hello option two my children are out of control and basically they're running the show option three we're doing the best job possible but sometimes I feel like we're losing the battle third question how do you feel the Yeshiva system is today with our children so opinion option A too restrictive option b to permissive option C I think they have a great balance I trust them with our children's enough everybody answer those questions and then we will share the results and then we will get into it and again anybody wants to ask a lot of questions I got so many calls from tell me them that they manage love you so they'll meet them that love you people you know representative has years and years experience dealing with um you know pre-pre-marriage welcome so you know he's been around so please you have the opportunity to ask him live questions go first you can text me I'm sure Partners over here and um well then we'll get to the other questions okay five seconds and then we'll get to the answers okay okay let's share the polls with everybody okay the first question do you think a person should set boundaries with their teenage children or just be open-minded and supportive 14 said there must be boundaries otherwise will be chaos two percent said unconditional love and giving the children freedom is the only way in today's stand up the whopping winning answer 79 there's a balance of boundaries at the same time giving our children freedom to choose as well which I would since 79 people said it I'm sure I'm sure they could explain how to do it because it sounds great and five percent of people say honestly I'm so confused I don't know I don't know myself anymore if you want to comment anything on this you can comment we'll go to the next one yeah for sure it sounds like moderation is the way to go at least uh according to the poll and like you said that's the big challenge how to how to strike the balance that how does the person do that and I guess we'll try to talk about that later that's why you're here tonight that's what we want to really work we want to really know how to do that okay option question two what where are you holding with criticism today 18 seem to have everything on the control box I'm doing great nine percent my children are out of control basically running the show it seems like again 73 percent are here because we're all with that challenge we're doing the best job possible but sometimes we feel like we're losing the battle I'm quite represented the last question seems like a pretty split answer over here how do you feel the issue the system is today with our children set 39 too restrictive 16 too permissive 45 I think they have a great balance I trust them with her children well he probably asked who's which yes she was there in and you maybe that that the 45 said they're all by set Representatives I don't know okay great okay you want to comment it is we'll just go straight into the questions let's go straight in okay it's very good to be able to have an idea you know what people are thinking and how they see the system we have people into it 100 okay first question all right representer we've been doing a lot of research infinite approaches with our now teenagers we've listened to many Coachman app and Federalist programs and heard so many different mahalkin we're finding it very confusing the strong approach the strong direct approach the passive but firm approach the loving and firm approach and now everybody talks about the unconditional love approach how do we know with our children which approach is the correct one for them based on their needs and how to set boundaries for that for each child as well this is it right this is the question this is the million dollar question we have a few more of them but this is one of the million dollar questions I think this is the yeah this is the I think today's world is the billion dollar question with inflation um so I think the answer is as follows this is a very important answer and I like like you said this is probably the most important thing we can talk about how's the person supposed to know so my dear friend yeshan was on your show not long ago and I spoke to him a few days ago and he said by all means you could say my name you could argue with me you could agree with me you'll see an eye on very much on the same page even though you'll hear something very different than what he said because that's what we're talking about you know his Focus was a different Focus than mine but one thing that he said that I'll agree to is he said that gave you your children and if he would give someone else your children they wouldn't necessarily be able to do the same job now the way that I'm going to explain it is his follows we're supposed to know our children our job is to know our children and the same way we all understand that if a child is crying now I I don't have I'm not that great with intuition this way but mother a mother will know if her child is hungry or a child is tired or a child is you know needs needs to change a diaper now how does the mother know that the child's just just crying but and a mother can't even describe to you how she knows the answer to that but there's something instinctive that a mother knows because she knows her child and the same way that's true when we speak about what how a person is supposed to deal with their children it really comes down to we need to spend time with our kids and the thing that's the biggest challenge perhaps is we are so distracted as adults we're working so hard we have so much that's vying for our attention and the more time we spend with our kids the more we're going to understand instinctively what it is that they need and you know we talk about their you know rules of you know and part of why I feel that there's no rule is because if a person is trying to understand this child then he knows what his child needs If he if he sticks to uh people are telling him you have to do respond this way or that way becomes mechanical so then he's not really being in touch with with his with his Instinct of what he thinks is right and that I think is the most important thing when it comes to females because every child is going to be different and the only way to know how to react differently is to know your child and we need to spend time with them we need to we have to create a environment where a child feels comfortable telling you how they feel and there are times when children are suppressing and very often I have heard where where people have said my parents don't know me now how in the world can we be mechanical children if we don't know that and even if we do know them if they think we don't know them so they think that we don't understand them so then the way that we're we're interacting with them they don't feel is coming from your understanding of me if he sets their rights about the importance for uh for a parent or a talmud to go down to to to to a parent or or Mahana to go down to the level of the talent as coach menacha mentioned you want to hold their hands and he says that in order to do that you have to become immature well you have to you have to get into their maturity level whatever that means and and understand them and I think that the biggest mistake that a parent or a Mahana can make is to say the words which you often have a tiver to say I don't understand you I don't understand how you could do that I don't understand why you're doing that but that itself is an indication of the fact that you are not the right person to be talking to me because if you don't understand me so how could you how could you tell me what I'm supposed to do you don't get it but if you say no I do understand you but even though I understand you I this is the what we have to do to to get out of this or to improve or to be better so it boils down to there is no one answer to this question the answer is understand your kids know your kids spend time with your children if we spend more time I know our before I'm sure he said he told me once he said his father of gedalia shore never missed dinner with the family the entire family sat around Shiva and he was a he was a person who was involved in quality Israel he never missed dinner with the family because you have to know your children you ever talk to them be able to know what what they're going through know where they're at and then you'll instinctively know which child needs to be pushed more and which child needs to be called more and how a person's supposed to do it she's saying he's saying that really is they should start when they're younger if you wake up when they're having the struggles some some parents feel like they just don't connect yeah absolutely absolutely and there are sometimes there are parents that tell me I don't enjoy spending time with my kid it makes me crazy so if a person starts at a young age where he's already established a relationship with a child and it's very important at a young age to do that so then as the child gets told you can continue to to to cultivate that relationship which is so critical in Mario Brothers Center let's take a Live question you're on thank you okay my question is as follows I have two questions first one is if you took avinu who personified Guru didn't boundaries mistake only didn't enforce proper boundaries with his own son how are we supposed to know um what our boundaries should look like when to enforce them had to enforce um and then my second question is when you were saying about you know with healthy children today's generation especially in teenagers they struggle so much in so many different areas like how do we Define a healthy child a healthy teenagers as opposed to not healthy okay I'll try to answer both of them if I for if I forget something please uh let me help me out so in general whenever we talk about yourself am I supposed to jump in now am I doing the right thing unless you want me to answer I mean if you want I can answer whatever you want you go ahead I love you you have to say Okay uh you go first if I if I feel different I'll let you know I got it um you talk anytime we speak about something that the other subscription did any foreign would be so indiscernible by us and there are Baron Cutler writes about this um emissions are Baron it will be so indiscernible it's on such a it's such a document a doc it's so subtle we would never even be able to see it so somehow yitzuk avino had the the slightest flaw in this area but the idea is is for us to learn from it that's exactly why the Torah writes these stories it's not just random stories that are interesting or it's not just history but rather the whole point is for us to be able to draw from it and and to be able to learn from it so it's you know had a soft spot for race of whatever the reason is is if it was because was he was struggling if it was because he saw himself exhibited certain amounts of Guru so he had defined with ASAP but somehow there was there was something there that we have to try to understand the importance of us um also setting boundaries but the fact that that is in some way there was a uh a slight subtle infraction on YouTube's part it could be we won't be perfect either and and I don't think there's such a thing as perfect parenting but there's parenting that comes from Love and part of that is my attempt to try to help you to get to where you have to get to by setting those boundaries as far as today's generation so I heard I was macabo from Myra bang we're going to speak next week about anxiety I'm not a anxiety professional But anxiety seems to be the biggest problem I've heard from many professionals what's the biggest problem we face it's anxiety anxiety is all over the place why do people have anxiety Maybe this is what I was a couple from my remain maybe anxiety comes because people have never been taught how to deal with adversity they've never dealt with boundaries they've never had boundaries when you don't have boundaries and all of a sudden something that you want is out of your reach you don't know how to deal with that so making healthy children might very well be establishing boundaries when they're young and that way when they're older you know something happens that's not in the way that they want to happen Okay so you know I didn't get what I wanted it didn't didn't work out the way exactly the way I wanted to and anxiety comes a person doesn't you don't have the tools how to deal with any so you know if we it could be that if we start with establishing healthy boundaries at a young age and and of course with love and everything has to come with the feeling that this is coming out of care and concern so then we can help our children be more healthy now how does a person know if his child is healthy I think there are two answers to that question one answer is know your child he should be comfortable he or she should be comfortable communicating with you and telling you that how they feel inside and sometimes there's children suffering inside of parents don't even know but if the child feels that my parent cares and is not going to fall apart if I tell them that I'm suffering so then then you'll they'll they'll hear and the other way is by speaking having open rapport with the rebaum with you with a person's own Mentor or rebbe or Rob or with the teacher of the school and finding out what you know what what I'm what I'm seeing is this healthy and is this a good approach to deal with this child or not I want to just go into another topic I have another question before we just want to clarify a little bit Yeah the way I'm understanding it is always there's different levels of finnic right when you start off everybody starts off with the model A you know whatever that is but then as children grow up and as things change we start slowly turn change our clinical levels or things that we wouldn't accept that now we do have to accept as things change so my question is when do we know that from going from the mainstream regular Fitness that we need to do and we have to like ease up on that when do we when do we I guess I don't know the right way to the question is more like when we go from regular credits more to crisis when do we know when that shift is well we only go that shift when there's crisis right now there's going to go to places if there's if there's a crisis we don't have to automatically go to a place of permissiveness you know and there's importance for um to realize that there's a place for crisis to clean off right but so the the the that really depends on the resilience of your child there's a book called well for the boss the back of yourself Herman now you look at the way that he deprived his children of a lot of different things but his children had resilience and they were able to do that now Rebecca Joseph Herman at the same time so he would go out and play sports with the kids you know and get them to get them to go to Yeshiva the kids that were not his children because those children didn't have that resilience I'll tell you a quick story I was a time of the relationship Bureau I was in a sugar machine Bureau and the sheer um was uh was a lot of older younger light some of them were eating Tamil I had the keys to the shul so that's why they let me in so in this school um in this school we when they tell me to ask questions uh Maisha you know could be very very uh sharp with his answers very sharp the way I heard from Romeo Stern or Byron Cutler would uh would hand you your head on a platter if you asked the question that wasn't good it was a similar type of thing now this this shoe was right near about two of the Yeshiva and somehow the balcubiashiva found out about this this year and they asked him to allow some of the older Bali tuba to come to this year so it was a very lopsided sheer we had on the one hand and then you had these balichuva and whenever would ask a question he would have his head handed then um then uh one of the values to ask the question and it was not a question which I I thought ramusha would appreciate and I was ready for him to totally decimate him and he answered him with such gentle and soft and it was and and you could tell the difference because remember she realized there's some people that can deal with this there's others that can't and we have to be comfortable enough with ourselves and understanding that our children can be different to be able to give them different responses and that's what he did right there in front of us and he was and this and and he was like so soft on this other person while at the same time when you have the son of a of a tremendous uh he says you know how could you you know and how could you say that and he totally tore him to pieces so when we switched to crisis mode of is when we we feel that our our children are not they're not they don't have the resilience to deal with that and it's okay for them to be that way it's okay for a person to have for whatever that reason is whether or not it has to do with an experience they had in Yeshiva whether it has to do with experience they had with their in their family but um you know that doesn't mean that they're not destined for greatness because right now they need a software post a softer approach but really it boils down to that we have to be spending enough time and have enough of an open line of communication in order for us to know when to make that change I think before oh just a second okay going back to um Robbie Herman how he you know how definite that he did I think many people you know we have to stop over there he was able to spend time with them and give them that hug that you mentioned and then you can um hold back things but the question is you know today's parents that we know are busy they're not around and uh at the end of the day the question is how to practically be there for the child when you're all that work there's a lot going on there's other kids and uh you don't give the Harvard is not as much seen so now you're gonna what do we do then I appreciate that very much that question you know we don't have as much time the reality is you don't have as much time but I don't think it's necessarily the quantity of time I think it's the quality of time it's true could be we don't eat dinner with our children uh we don't have family dinners as often as as uh as uh sure had but when we're with our children so if a person is going to put his phone away like there's a hush of a woman in in in Brooklyn who told me that when she goes home she she turns her phone off if someone wants to reach her they reach her on our landline it's a whole different thing because she's she's able to focus she's with her children she's with her grandchildren she's there and she's giving them undivided attention and that is something that we can all do and a lot of people struggle doing that because because you know whether it's because they think that they have to answer their business questions right away or because they're just they're things that are vying for their attention but if we can carve out time when we giving our children uh their undivided attention we can establish the cords of love that are necessary in order for us to be able to to have that type of relationship okay you're on Thomas hi Robbie um my question is like this how do we do early for example like under the age of three there's not really necessarily something like that but how do we start to I guess set the tone for number one that the children feel the love the number two that they understand that we're trying to raise them in a certain ocean that's a third decoration the valedict so I'll try to answer both of those nice to have a talmud on thanks for calling um so first of all when when we're when we're Children Are Young because I've always says that the reason why Korea makes a child so needy is in order to establish a love between a parent and a child and it's important for us to be able to sacrifice for our children I you know it's nice to be able to get a nurse that can wake up in the middle of the night for your child it's nice to have uh someone during the day who can take your child out for walks but if we're not working on that love that we have with our child at a young age so then then we're gonna miss out on a tremendous opportunity now I'm not saying that a person should never have a nurse like if you need a good night's sleep great but at the same time we need to be spending time with our children changing our children's diapers and and dealing with our children when they're cranky and that says builds the love and and the is love and if a child feels love from a parent so then a child knows it's real so the first thing we have to do is we have to work on investing in our children just to love them and the second thing is there is no replacement for for being uh the a role model and when you want to work on kind of have your children when they're young so a person should work on themselves and it's very important when people have told me when my children are older I don't want to have this in the house I might have that in the house but you can't wait till you're older and then all of a sudden try to pull it out of the house because it's just not going to happen so at a young age a person should already start living the life that he wants his child to see and if a person does that so then the child has what to model I think that perhaps could be the answer well even even putting away his phone when the kid is one year old yeah 100 I like that here's a question somebody sent in I have five boys the Holy One Is Barack Hashem are doing great The Learning stock my youngest son seems to having a really hard time I'm not sure where we went wrong with him maybe since he's the youngest he's more uh spoiled we're not sure can you give us some clarity why one would be so different from his siblings yeah yeah okay it's a great question I'm a youngest so I can relate with that child and I I definitely was not the easiest of all the children in my family from my parents to be Machado even though my mother brought Hashem I always say mama selected memories she chose to forget all the times that I was not so easy to deal with but I don't know if it necessarily has to do with a parent uh being tired or not being able to do a thing that where you are in your family structure also affects a lot I myself grew up in a very prominent family and I struggled with the fact that I had a lot to live up to not just a father who was world famous but my brother who was a tremendous and I walk around and people would say to him oh are you you know are you the younger brother and that that was that was very hard for me my brother didn't go through that and that's different it's different growing up in a shadow and every child grows up in a different circumstance even if they're growing up in the same house and they could also grow up in a house you know sometimes the house there's more money you know there's the the the the family is more successful and there's more privilege that just has to do with the the Dynamics of what's going on and there's also different instruments there are different that a person who gives different nishamas and and nishamas have there's a different balance of all of the spirits that are in the nishamas and for that reason a parent needs to be flexible it doesn't mean that necessarily anything is wrong with this child back and the thing that I I'd like to bring out the most is we tend to think that our children that are smoothest are are the better ones but the truth is that a child that struggles is even more precious and the storm acceleration right about how special our generation is because we're struggling and there's no one that can say that our generation is not struggling more than previous generations no one would say that and our generation is the most precious doesn't mean we're on the highest madrega we're learning the best we have the best time loves the fact that Kalisto is struggling there's that's the avoidance Hashem that the balotany is speaking about so we have a child that's struggling we have to we have to respect that we have to learn to appreciate that I think that realize that every child has his own Topic at his own place in the world okay let's get to the next question over here in a few live but I'm going to do this question okay this next million dollar question you ready yeah here we go I'm trying to set healthy and safe boundaries with our kids at the same time convey unconditional love it seems to be contradictory Rabbi Center can you please explain us how to do this or play it out okay can you can you say that one more time like I'm trying to sell trying to set healthy and save bandages with her children at the same time convey unconditional love right representer can you please explain us how to do this or maybe even we can role play it I don't know we're trying to understand it it sounds cute in words in theory but we want to understand it with myself okay great I think there's a number of uh different things a person has to do in order to first of all I think that conversation is extremely important one of the things that the assessment writes about and is also there's that there is a um this there's a personality named yanish korzak I don't know if you ever heard of him Danish korzak was was a Jewish person who lived in the time of the Holocaust and he speaks about how we have to respect a child's intellect and if he said snow also speaks about how we're personally we have to engage them in conversation and engaging them in conversation is is is having them to think about what we're saying and appreciate the fact that they that we don't talk at them we talk with them we talk with our children and we talk to them and in that way we can help them to understand why what we're doing is really for their best and giving them the opportunity to talk to us now I think that an extremely important detail is that we ourselves need to model self-control in other words there's parents who at a young age struggled a lot financially and because they struggled they lived with a lot of boundaries that things that they couldn't buy the things they couldn't have there's there's vacations they couldn't go on but as they got older in they got more successful now they're they're allowing themselves the certain luxuries now the children never saw the struggle beforehand so all the children are seeing is parents that are allowing themselves to have everything that they want if we don't model ourselves boundaries in our lives so then it's very hard for a child to understand why do I have to live in a boundary and you don't but the moment the child says that a parent is depriving themselves of certain things and it doesn't mean to live you know a life where a person's not you know at all giving himself any of the the the the luxuries that he wants but there's still boundaries there's still there's certain values of things that I can uh I can afford or and it's something that I that I can I I have the ability to have and I I chose not to then we can also show them that this is something this is a lifestyle there's a lifestyle that we have to have and that lifestyle is one where we are living with with self-discipline or control and I think that the difference between Jacob that we speak about in this week's Powershell is Asaf was didn't have a lifestyle of growth means he was complete he was the way it was yaakov was constantly moving he was growing and if we model that lifestyle ourselves and we realize that a person wants to grow so then he has to create for himself certain boundaries of things that this is not good for me and I'm gonna grow by by withholding my just like we said the malach Tells every every blade of grass that I want you to grow and the way to grow is by stretching Yourself by by the way to grow is by a person getting out of his comfort zone so therefore this is our life we're not here for things to be easy now we can this is extremely important a person can Embrace and enjoy the struggle you can enjoy that people enjoy going to a gym people enjoy um exercising and pushing themselves to the limits I'm not saying a person should be sad or mad or depressed but it's a question is what are you going to enjoy you're going to enjoy just relaxing or you're going to enjoy becoming a better person and working hard on yourself and working and and becoming better and feeling the the satisfaction of the fact that I've I've grown even though it's hard work so a child sees that that's the what a parent what a parent does the child sees that that's what a parent the lifestyle that the parent leads so then they themselves well also follow suits thank you beautiful very powerful you have more questions on that okay okay we have a Live question you're on higher recenter thank you for taking my question um I'm okay I know you were talking before about mothers being around and available for their children um as much as possible I'm a mora I work from home I keep my kids home with me for the first few years and I'm obsessed with my babies but for some reason as my kids get older I lose that like obsession am I being clear like I I find like I'm not as interested in your day or I'm more like lose my patience with them quicker how can I change that I still obviously I still love them fully love every time I know what think of that thought of something happening to them I you know I can't even imagine it but for some reason I can't show it to them wow well um first of all it's possible that you're you've got um too much on your plate a lot of us have too much on our plate a lot of us are dealing with too much and it's very hard for us and uh sometimes children take a lot of energy um so if if it's a choice of um you know whether or not we're gonna um and I I don't know what's happening in your life but if it's a choice of whether or not I'm going to be able to take on more outside of my house or take on more inside of my house it's important for us to realize that our children are our legacies um I once heard from a very smart woman she said you're only as happy as your least happy child and your children are you are your future and you have to you have to have the strength to be able to deal with them and you know sometimes they're difficult we need to uh we need to find the enough uh resources inside of ourselves to have the patience for them also in general in general some people they love the babies they get older they have challenges at the end of the day it gets harder it does get harder and then some parents feel like they lost the love they don't know where it went they're like where's that cute little kids yeah so what do you say coach Menachem so what do you do a lot of work a lot of inner work yeah the truth is like you're saying sometimes we're busy at work busy running oh and we don't have time for our kids right so you know we hope they behave because I need to do something more important than them yeah and uh then when the challenges come up to realize that what's what buttons it's pressing my kid is not being exactly the way I want and slowly they can um you know Veer off you don't feel that no I it's just not doing what I want doesn't behave after over and over you know so it takes that to realize it takes the time to realize where am I what am I feeling about my kids and what do I need to do to be there for them they could also make self-awareness if you realize that you have that then you you put calculus into it and you focus on it it's not a you know people get over to the routine you have a bunch of kids at six o'clock this one has to go to sleep so that one you could drive at seven so this one at eight so if you know that's the massive you have to you focus you realize you have the problem now you work on it a little bit you say okay I have to give this kid everybody has their own five minutes ten minutes 20 minutes whatever it is you know you have 10 kids 20 minutes is it three hours it doesn't work but um I think I think you have to put that playlist in really hyper focus on and realize that it's as they get older they get uh you know when they're cute and one two years old they go straight to c34 they say no five six they just go out so it takes less work it's natural when they get older it takes much more work like you're saying to be immature play with them with their toys but you're not interested okay ready for the next one yeah okay you're on hi thanks for taking Michael I have two unrelated questions um first of all my almost five-year-old she's asking us a lot of Deepak questions like um you know hush that makes everything how could he make himself or um and Chavez like why can't we use scissors if it doesn't make noise things like that you know what's like the best way to to respond to her um the second question is I feel like you know we're younger parents and in our generation there's a lot of fear of what our children are going to turn out like um how do we minimize that fear and and parent with confidence without this um you know overwhelming sense of you know thinking about the outcome as opposed to the process wow those are two very those are representative before he came on I said this is this is the real deal yeah so uh you do me a favor oh she it my my it seems like my connection is not stable so if I'm having issues I could switch to a different no right now everything I see is good okay great still stable and everything's stable we're stable if there's any issues I'll let you know excellent so the first question that we spoke about was how do we deal with all these deep questions and a lot of those questions are not meant to be dealt with the gomarin Thomas says there's certain questions which uh that the which the the ham were asked which they they said you know we're not gonna like who created Hashem and those types of things um uh they're they're uh how how exactly to divert that question I think is really uh is really the challenge and to talk about the israelitis of the amuna of what we do know about and we're not expected to know everything about Hashem if we knew everything about Hashem probably believe that would mean that we would be Hashem um but uh so that type of question of uh that particular one you're speaking about of you know who created Hashem is is going perhaps past where we're supposed to go and that's a child that's very deep and has obviously a lot of um a lot of thought process and I think it's a question of diverting that and press and and and and channeling it channeling it towards other very important deep Concepts about about minded harsinai about um about the Maca is about Mass Revelation or whatever it is that which are the you say this of our moon and to try to keep them focused on that um and at the same time not to ever suppress a question to make a person feel like they can't ask questions but just to try to divert that to something else um that's what I would say to do it in in that type of situation and uh and to say well it's such a great question and to say we don't have to know all the answers to all the questions you know one of the things we celebrate on on uh the children should ask we never talk about answering them we just they should ask this they should ask that and we don't necessarily need to know all the answers so we need to know the you say this of our amona and the other question that you asked was as far as of our own um anxiousness about how our children are going to turn out I think it's very important for us to realize that our children are not an extension of ourselves and we are not in control of how our children turn out we have to do our part but it's not my life it's my child's life and I also have to empower my child to make his own decisions in the end of the day at a certain age at least it's his life and his decisions so I have to do my part and my Christ is to love my child and to try to give him the best opportunities they possibly can after that you know it's really up to them so if we realize it's not us if we're not responsible uh for for the decisions that our children make it's they have their own they have their own they make the decisions so we can just do the best to be the best coach we can be so uh so everyone every one of us is a coach we you know that's we're all here to be coaches and that's what because that's the rights about in the zakadama is that the Iker mahanas of a person is himself the parents are there to coach they're just to help to assist but really you are in charge of your own destiny you being the child and a person realizing that so then I I do what I can and after that it's all up to you remember to say what I heard a little bit but they say that you know they say that you know you could see two two neighbors and they both basically within the same Realms are doing similar clinic and they're both you know they go into the same show in the same schools you see one person the kids are murdick and the other people Lookers are struggling and you know oh what did I do wrong it's nothing to do with you it's every child has their own Journey every child is that's your yes I even heard even thief of the child's harder because the child needs you as a better parent versus not 100 and like I mentioned before these children are preciousness the children that are struggling that if there if there's a struggle you know a child that struggles through their their their whether it's because they don't they have a hard time reading they have a hard time understanding they have a hard time sitting that there's something super precious about their what is Hashem yeah move the crevices okay let's go to the next Live question you're on yeah yes uh my name is ahil I have a question about um where the connect really started from because I think that uh what we dealing is is also connects that uh a lot of you know parents parents made mistakes so so we're dealing with much more than just just our clinic is it true that is a week dealing with with that's before or we have our own Clinic with our kids your question is is it coming the cause your parents did a certain kind of a and you know myself doing over here okay or you're supposed to learn yourself and do a fresh kind of is that a question my question is if it's like one big thing let's say from a room if you need till now or is it just my family that means that if I don't do the best job I I could kind of blame my parents and also you know what I mean it's not so it's not just only enough and also we are much less mature so we are kids that's raising kids because we don't really that's that's what your parents said about you no I think my siblings raised me but so I I think representative said I think what his question is uh uh a lot of people are brought up not with the best kind of so maybe the question is if you brought up now with the best kind of what's your price and what are you supposed to do about it yeah if so I want to just tell you a quote that I saw and I'm sorry I don't have it in front of me so I can't say the exact quote but it's describing the problem with the Young Generation they they have no respect for elders they have they have no etiquette they gobble their food that's the quote I remember that line they gobbled their food they eat fast and and what's going to be with this this to the Next Generation this quote is from Socrates okay he probably didn't say it in English but my point is that this has been going on forever where people are saying the Next Generation while they're terrible they're horrible look at this this is like all the way back from the time of the reshining them already people are going to say what's going to be with the Next Generation they're impossible so you know we we look at ourselves and or our children and say well we're so dysfunctional so like what do you can you really expect from us but I I don't really think that it's really that much different than it was before and we are we we those of us that have had mistakes that have experienced mistakes are possibly the ones that are the best to correct them we have the tools because we've experienced it we've been through it ourselves so again if a person right now is triggered it's very hard and and it's very hard a person who's triggered to expect them to to to to react in a in a uh a logical way because it's it it it's when a person gets triggered so then it's almost as if they don't have the hero but if a person went through challenges you know whatever it might be and and they and they and they themselves feel like they they they they lost out because of it but we know so we know what to do we know how to make things uh what what the corrections that should be and we're not it's not up to us that our children we should live vicariously through our children hospital not like we have to make our children like we don't want you to make the mistakes that I make that's the worst thing because then the person gets themselves triggered when he sees this kid doing something that he did and he gets so upset about it but at the same time we can make Corrections in whatever the that we got to give that properly to the Next Generation there's no reason why not and to to blame it on a previous generation is just the kicking the can down the road and one of the things he he was he was pretty uh he was pretty messed up Elizabeth he was Elizabeth I was doing a lot of a lot of Affairs when he realized that it's time for him to get his act together he said harm is that the mountains what are the harm the harm of the hoiring Harem is the parents like he's like I want my parents to to this I heard from her but my parents to Daven for me because you're the ones that didn't do a good job on my education so so it's your fault so you go dabbling for me and then and and they said that we're going down for ourselves you have to doubt until he said Aina Dover totally I also remember that I realized I can't I'm not blaming anyone I have to fix myself I got to deal with my own issues and then I'm gonna when a person does that then he is empowered so then help others so our you know of our children is something that we are responsible for I don't think that we can necessarily uh say that there's previous generations that are at fault for what we're doing very good here's a another question how do I set boundaries for my children if Society is so permissive anything called enough or rules boundaries are called into uh for today's children controlling abusive whatever you tell them to do you're telling you know you can tell you you're not letting me go please advise wow so um I'll tell you a story that happened to me I was in my early's house and his child was not acting in a way that the rabbits in approved of he said to her son you talk that's not his name but we could pretend you can't do that you're a Korean you're crying it's not the fitting of a coin and I saw tremendous wisdom in this story the wisdom I saw on this story was she's telling her son maybe all your friends are doing that but you're different you're a client you can't act like everybody else I there's a story about a a um special needs child the story came true there are two schools to send them to one school which had better services but was less religious and the other school which had which is more religious but didn't have as good services so the parents came to Virginia what to do Leman said did you ask your child which there's tremendous wisdom in that again engaging the child they said no he's special needs so let's bring him in let's ask him so the child said he wants to go to the school with the battleships okay he said but I want you to be my Schleich you have to make sure that everything that happens there is being done properly and if anyone asks you tell them that shlomas sent you the kid was so empowered like all of a sudden like he became an important person here that he now has to that he was able to keep his at least for himself he was able to keep what you know his sensitivities so if we can give our children a sense of Pride family pride of Who We Are and you know if I could instill my children you're a center now the center family started with my father uh my grandfather was not uh was not a person that was connected to his guy it doesn't it doesn't doesn't mean that you have your last name is Finkel or your last name is salaveichek it could be you can create for yourself and own pride in your family which is what my father did and and every family can do that and that means us living up to a certain expectation if we're just gonna go with the flow of course our kids are going to go with the flow but if a child sees that this is the way that this is the way it goes in our family and on our and our family is a certain pride of who we are and we're not the same as everybody else and it can be it doesn't have to be in every single area you have to be the god of hot door and everything but if a child sees that a father the way he davins is different than everyone else it doesn't just dominate everyone else he doubles with intense Cabana and he's like wow my father's Elena even if it's just the Elena my father's Elena was like so I see that if I was not going with the flow so then every person has a nakudan which they're not going with the flow you're teaching him how to be able to have the strength to say like I'm different than everyone else I think that that is the most important the Kuda to empower your family with the the ability to rise above whatever what it seems to be much more commonplace that's that's only after you give them the hug like we discussed before everything is after the hug everything comes there um not just one hug a lot of hugs so we should talk about the hugs more yeah we should there's two things we should talk about more we should talk more about the hugs we should talk more about the davine but I think that's also something which in other words I saw a comments you have to dive into sure we have to Daven and Daven Daven our hearts out every single day for our children there's no question about that and we need to see after the shemai and every person um has the and that's part of our status part of our status and you see by everyone I spoke about Abraham that he was always with Ishmael we also died but the love is everything is about the the foundation of everything is the love and it's not just the love it's expressing the love it's conveying the love because there are times that there are parents that tell me I love my child and the child doesn't know that I would say something that happened to me was probably the saddest moment in my career at a parent in my office struggling with his son who's a good kid but they didn't get along I told him I want you to go out of my office and I want you to say something nice to your son and he said I cannot think of one nice thing to say about my son this is a boy learning English a boy that had no issues with with shmir say nine no issues with smear saying I am no issues with a boy that he was he was a regular Yeshiva but the parent couldn't find a nice thing to say about his own child it was it was frightening to me but I they if a person doesn't express love to his child to them they're the the child's not going to have it back and this kimayan Panama where the child has to feel has to understand love and a lot of times there's a parent once told me parenting is not a popularity contest I think it's a cute line but I I think it is a popularity contest I think your children need to love you and if you if your children don't get that message it doesn't come through that everything I'm doing is because I care about you I love you so then you then you can't move forward you can't go past the hug until the child knows that you're hugging them so you're right we definitely have to speak more about that I hope we did how does that happen How could a parent get to that place you mean the parent is extremely critical extremely critical of himself and of other people but he he he his expectations for his child were so high that he couldn't he couldn't appreciate I had another parent whose child was also doing great that he was prestigious and his child wasn't and I said to him your son is doing so well he says you know when I see my son Shuckle all I see is this chip show him some love couldn't do it and as much as like we we talked about trying to build our children but if we can't establish that type of love so then the child's not going to embrace so what's the first step for such a parent first step is being able is learning to communicate that and and learn they can't yeah yeah it's it's very hard they they have to um be taught to appreciate and I don't I don't it's very it's foreign it's a lot of inner work that parent needs to do a lot of inner work because they're not happy themselves they're not happy with themselves let's jump into the next question because I'm with you go ahead ask your next question let's see if it ties up so you were talking about the parents who had trouble telling love or displaying love or showing love to their child a perfectly good child what if you're the child who hasn't felt that love uh at what age are we talking about as an adult or as a child well as an adult you're realizing that you didn't get the love as a child so the repercussions are astronomical yes they definitely are it's true and and a person has to take care of themselves and I'm sorry if for a person that that had that and didn't feel that love and you know there are different many different ways that people convey love one of them is through action otherwise through speech the different different love languages that we know of and uh sometimes Parents try to convey love in one language and a child talks a different language and they don't necessarily get it and sometimes the parents aren't don't give their children a Love or don't show their children a love and I think the important thing is like I said to shower our children with love because we realize what it's like to not have it and maybe because of that we have different challenges gave us all challenges and the fact that we have those challenges is not something that we should say means that um you know because of that I'm broken it means that Hashem gave me a challenge and that's my topic in this world and it's extremely precious the topic is precious and maybe it's harder for me to do things but the fact that it's harder doesn't mean that it's worse and and different people have different challenges I myself am am I have a reading disability I don't I don't read well and it was a big challenge for me when I was younger and it took me a long time to realize that just because I'm challenged doesn't mean that I shouldn't learned because I thought for a while okay I'm not supposed to learn and I almost outed as a young boy because look I I have a learning disability so clearly Hashem doesn't want me to learn it's not a learning I'm sorry a reading disability because I because I couldn't I did once it was a disaster the biggest disaster you could imagine I was breaking my teeth I mean one of the things that I was gifted with this my parents gave me a tremendous amount of confidence and came from my parents and I was able to to deal with the the humiliation of being in front of a few hundred people and messing up my dominating my laning on by Mitzvah was a disaster because I have a reading disability which my father has and my brothers have and so it's it's genetic in our family but I could have thought because of that that therefore okay learning is not for me but it's not true and part of the reason why I feel like I can relate to my bahram is because I it wasn't I'm not like the brilliant person who everything went smooth for and everything was perfect and that is that's our tough kid in the world if a person says I didn't get love as a child so that that Hashem is giving you a challenge and there's just some embrace it and find the love find it in yourself and find it in others and pass it on therapy the only thing that I'd like to I'd like to mention if if it's okay is that it seems like there's a lot of judgment that happens because of it and that part makes the process and the growth and the journey astronomically more difficult than it has to be because of comments from relatives neighbors family or whatever it is and if only they could understand or become more in tune to know that there might be something underneath they might not know about and it's too private inappropriate or even to talk about sure without a question I want to tell you something we have some tell me them in our Yeshiva that come from compromised backgrounds whatever it might be whether it's you know from a a broken home or different situations and sometimes the robame would say to me like you have to tell us beforehand and I don't do that and I told them every single child that you have just because it looks like everything is okay on the surface doesn't mean that there's not serious challenges that are there so don't make an assumption just because one person uh you know on on the surface it looks like they've got issues and the other person okay they don't have issues we have to we have to be able to observe everyone and and try to figure out you know what other challenges and a lot of people aren't aware and sometimes there's boys that come from everyone thinks everything's great in their life and everything is perfect everything's going wonderful and underneath there's so much pain and suffering because no one and no one sees that so you're 100 right people shouldn't be uh judgmental of of of uh you know of other people and sometimes someone you know isn't functioning people like why are they not functioning oh they must be you know something you know it's their fault but they they could be that they were mistreated and it's a very severe way but uh you know at the same time um as much as we try to change that the the public perception and or the public response uh we we have to be people that um that endure survive and we become the the ones that are going to change it I'll just leave you with one quick one quick story coach before we go okay there was a particular person I'm going to cut to the chase he was very confrontational with me when I had just opened the Yeshiva and he was a friend of the family he came over to me said I want to tell you something I'm a victim of the issue the system and I swore to do everything in my power to destroy it so you're opening another Yeshiva I'm not healthy and I said to him I want to tell you something I'm also a victim of the issue assistance and I swear to everything in my power to fix it so our choices are in you know even people have suffered and I I I have definitely had things where I could look back and said that I my connect was far from perfect the different you know different Urbane in different situations like I told you I struggled with reading myself it wasn't easy for me many times I felt like I was publicly embarrassed by my rebaim or whatever it might be and my babe didn't understand me so what are we going to do about it we have two choices you know we could just you know we could just complain and we could just be critical and we just did a problem or we could say okay we have to fix it we have to do what our part do whatever we can it doesn't mean even have to go into I can I can fix it within my my little daladamus my children and my family and be more and make them more sensitive and make anyone who's anything that I can just in order to make things uh to make people more aware an emotional neglect and it's really a lot what you what you questioned and they ran into deep deep people that had difficult upbringings and different types of emotional neglect and how to work on ourselves and how to help our children with it so definitely something you should listen to that chair it was unbelievable enough I'm sorry right so there are many people who have a hard time conveying and giving over the love to the children and looking back it's because like what you mentioned that they didn't get it when they were growing up and there is an idea in in therapy of healing that inner child that your own inner child that didn't get that Emotional Love whatever it was when you were younger so now you as an adult have to slowly learn how to give it to yourself and only after that after accepting yourself you can get in a child and sometimes that inner child can throw a tantrum it could trigger and once you become aware of what bothers you and be there for yourself only after that can you be there for your child understand what's bothering the child be there listen and give them what they need but it is a lot of work to be able to see um what the Y needs and just becoming aware that he didn't get it when you grew up that's that is a step and the next step is to see you know to be able to give it to yourself now that you're older you know looking around understanding what do I need to be able to give it to yourself and tell yourself find those positives start focusing on the positives even though my very hard in the beginning let's find some positives before you go to sleep you say wow I did this wow you did that wow you're great it's doing great keep it up and usually what happens is before you go to sleep you're critical it's not working out they're going to finish this and then what's going to be just to change that so once you can change it with yourself eventually you can do it for others for your kids and it's Hashem that was beautiful yeah let's go in a little bit different angle over here River Center we're going to turn turn the page a little bit okay it's two questions we'll just combine it um if a child asks for the latest style of clothing latest gadget other things children in the neighborhood have how do we decide what instruments to give into our children first is the design and clothes they want then it's the concert they want to watch because everybody else is going then it's the flight to Florida for winter break then it's the new game everybody has and some tells me that he needs to get clothing that his friends have same with the technology second part of the question the second question I'll just put it together how could I ask my son not to be busy with all the gadgets and bikes and cell phones fancy cars to adults around us are so engulfed in the governments to drinking by cadation the newest cars flying around the world how do we deal with that with our kids okay that's about [Music] um it's about as hard as it gets I think that there are hazards of living in certain communities and I'm not going to call out any particular Community but I think that if you want your children not to live a certain lifestyle and that's what they see around them probably your smartest thing to do would be to move um it's very hard to expect your children unless you're going to negate and uh and talk derogatorily about everyone that's around you uh it is very hard for you to expect your children to to live a different type of Lifestyle and I think if a person says like everyone around me is so indulgent for that and I don't want to be that indulgent I would think the smartest thing to do is to just not be living there I mean the round mom writes about if there's this there's a culture the society that you don't like it's a leaf that means you need to you go to the desert now we don't have to go to a desert but um the person says I'm not comfortable with the way everyone's living around me it's very hard to expect more of your children it's very hard to expect that unless as we mentioned before a person is himself living a different life if a person is let's say a rough and he's trying to be miscarriage people in a certain community and everyone in that Community is acting a certain way but his child understands my father's derived here it's I'm this is not this is not our the same type of I'm not held to the same standard because because we're just here because we we want to be in the car of these people then you can expect your children to uh to to withhold from the what's considered to be acceptable uh in that world yeah so over there it's understandable because the children know I'm here for a tafka and if my father could he would bring me up somewhere else and that place there'd be different sensitivities and there'd be different things that people would would do and and they understand that I I shouldn't expect to be like everybody else but if a person's bringing his child up in a certain neighborhood and it's not because it's because this is where I want to live so if this is what everyone else is doing how do you expect more from your child it's very hard to expect more from your child and the only thing that a person can do I feel is to try to and this is a very big challenge is to talk to the child about what's in about what is going to bring happiness in the world I think I think coach maybe you could say probably more authoritatively than me the world is not in a very happy place as far as depression and these types of things would you say that that's a a correct statement that there's more depression now than let's than years past sure sure people are people are running escaping people are escaping I mean it's a fact to say the more the more luxuries the more affluence the community has the more mental health depression there is I mean a lot of kids today that have everything you'll see the comments consistently you know I'm depressed I feel bored what should I do right I was an external too I see these kids they're running around trying to get you know three shekel drink from Nicola to visit right so when I was a kid we were always born and we were okay being bored we learned how to be bored and just be okay with it but I'll share with you a story from a very happy on uh Marshall from Belgium and I think this is the only way that you could really and the question is the challenge is really feeling this and living it giving over to your children Rebellion gives them muscle I I I I actually I heard it I heard this Remember by Stern from Baytown he told me he said it from from Solomon but he thinks neighborhood said it from Rebellion there was a child whose father was not well and uh he was he was restricted to a bed and even the bed he had he was on a tremendous amount of medication and he he had a lot of nurses and doctors and there was his his basically his bedroom was was a hospital room and and they thought that it would be traumatic for the child to go into the room so they never let the kid in the room he was never allowed in and he always hear people's people coming and going and here's like beeps coming from the room he doesn't know what they are they're beeping from the machine he wants to know what's going on inside so one day when one of the nurses is leaving he slips into the room the door is like before the door closed sees his father on a bed as far as hooked up to all these machines and there there's machines that are making graphs like you know it was heartbeat and his machines that are that are that have drips and then he sees bottles with pills and he sees all the types of liquids and everything that this whole room was full full of and there's nurses oh and doctors and everyone's on top of him and the child looks at his father and he says Dad I'm so jealous you got so much stuff dad's got someone look at all this stuff you got machines you got pills you got so much things you hooked up all these people here and the child says his son you should be happy you don't need these things I need this just to be able to live you don't need it so Rebellion said there's people that they need all the latest gadgets need all the latest toys and without that they they feel like you know they can't a person can be happy and who doesn't need those things it's a blessing and and that's where real happiness is and even the people that have all these toys they're not even happy because they're not healthy just like this person is hooked up to all these machines he's not healthy he's barely surviving but he's just running away and if we could we could show our children that we're really happy and I think that that is the most important thing when when a person speaks about being my significant and living the life of a human and not being able to afford a lot of things if you can have a happy home that's great and your children are happy and they see that the Sean bias in the house and everyone's happy so then then there's that I don't think it's a problem but if you're not going to be happy and you're stressed out because you yourself or or you yourself feel deprived if you can't uh Foster a feeling of simcha in the house so then it's practically impossible do you think by telling your kids the speech is going to work I don't know if it's Italian accusing speech or living that speech but but and it's not about a speech I think it's about about uh you know a there's a certain spirit in the house it's not like sitting him down and giving I'm going to give you a drusha but over the course of no I I think the Shabbos tables is a is a tremendous platform for a person to be able to share with his children ideas and thoughts and and as we spend time with our children talking about you know that that what what you know our person feels good about the fact that you give co-star coaches it feels good about and there's some things that I just don't need I don't need it and if I don't need it so then why should I have it it's just going to distract me it's just an escape will it work sometimes it will a lot of times it won't like I said I think the best it's is to not live there president shouldn't live in a community she feels that everyone else around him is living on a certain level that they don't like that they think is inappropriate so you're saying there there are still communities out there that it's easier to live in absolutely Baltimore no I'm not I don't want to call any particular places or anything like that it's good to know yeah very good so here's another question as as parents now with all the teenagers and then pushing the envelope on everything like staying out very late past the time we made up saying I'm not in the mood of going to school Toshiba how as parents to how do we stay internally balanced while our kids are not acting correctly you're not following the base standard rules of our home and it is a part two somebody sent in one of my kids 14 year olds basically doing whatever they want doesn't listen to me anymore I'm learning how to accept and love him anyways however I how do I stay calm and collected when he's doing crazy crazy behavior is in front of my eyes it gets me angry so basically how do we uh stay grounded and not lose it there's definitely any science a child in sign there's also parents in science everyone's going through in the design and the parent has to realize that that's that's part of the only sign that they are going through themselves and as mentioned previously the fact that this nisham was put into our family is what what is for us a school to be able to be I am in that in his science so although we uh we we get frustrated by it but realize that this was chosen for us this is this is this was put here in order for us to deal with it and I think that their tunakudas one which we mentioned before it's not my job to correct it and it's not my fault in person a lot of times we get frustrated because we blame ourselves for it and we're and we're and we're mortified by it we're embarrassed by it it's embarrassing for us when our children live a certain way and if a person is able to remove themselves from the equation so then they have a much easier time uh being able to embrace it but the most important thing I think is is the following thing Brent has to realize that by being patient and accepting that is what is going to eventually bring their child back I know a particular boy he was off the Derek and he's today uh market share one of the biggest yeshivas in the world someone asked his mother like what how did that happen and she said my son always knew that I was there for him and when he was ready to come back he came back and some if we lose it on our kids so then our kids feel like that there's no place to go back to and then when they're ready to you know when they're they're done with their Journey or whatever they're ready to to to to to pull things together there's no there's nowhere to go so we need to constantly be showing them we love them we care about them and and like I mentioned with you small and Abram Abram was always asking you she was out of the house but at the same time I promise always there because the he's giving him hugs uh you know the quote on those hugs that we spoke about Andy small no my father loves me and when when he was ready to do chuva so he you know that he there was where where and what to come back to we have to know that this is our job our job if our children are struggling is to show them this unconditional love unconditional love which doesn't necessarily mean unconditional approval but unconditional love and that's there and make sure that that comes through to their child and that is what's going to facilitate them getting better so if we want to be a part of the solution or to help this process so then we have to realize that's why that's that's our that's that's what we can do by not is not losing okay let's get into the next question a little complicated question I'm divorced and my kids go back and forth between homes I feel like whenever limits and guidelines I set for my children get completely undermined and messed up they get anything they want from the other house and if I don't pay for something and buy the thing that they need the other parent will just get it how do I set up my kids for success and to be healthy as adults as they grow up in this complicated situation um it is a complicated situation and I and I I can't say that I I know the most about how to deal with that type of situation but if a person is asking me what my what my feeling is you can't things change the moment that there's there are two homes you know we spoke about what we've been speaking about a lot is about uh what we we called uh you know a healthy situation but a divorce where one side is being extremely permissive it's not a healthy situation and under those circumstances a person trying to make boundaries uh or at least boundaries that that are firm boundaries are gonna just drive the child to the other side and and and make it um and uh and create animosity and a parent loses a little bit of her ability to be firm when there there's now two two homes and uh there definitely is still a um there's there's still the ability for a child to become great even if the the home is extremely permissive the only thing a parent that lives that way can do is to be the right type of role model and to encourage the child to make that decision on their own but to set boundaries I think is is been made uh practically impossible because of the situation that's the way that I understand it and again we don't we don't take responsibility for the situation Hashem put us in if this is the way Hashem with this child this is going to be this child's Journey his journey is going to be defined in himself people have found it themselves there's people who grew up in houses that are not from and and they and they came to Yiddish kites and they and they learned how to you know how to create set boundaries for themselves or whatever it might be so if you live if you're in that type of situation I think that a person has to um just try to make their their child's experience in the house as pleasurable and enjoyable as possible oh okay we have a Live question hold on one second foreign to their love language and showing them all the love that they specifically need um a 12 year old that we maybe he was harder for us to figure out his exact love language but we think we got it however as soon as we tell them something he has to do no matter how small he will just flip he'll think we're out there to get him and he's just gonna you know blabber his mouth off and go into his mode so how can we get him to do the things he has to do no matter how small they are if it's homework cleaning up after himself in a peaceful way Wow first of all it sounds like you're a great parent [Music] so um there's two things I think that it's extremely important to have a conversation with your child that's not confrontational in other words when a child when it's time for the child to do the homework and he doesn't want to do it that's like not a great time to have a conversation with them because he's already like all plant stuff if we could find a time when everything is calm and relaxed and some people say well I don't want to rock the boat down but that's the time when there is to have a conversation and to talk to them about you know what would be a good um a step in the right direction now when you don't deal with the 12 year old I believe that the right thing to do would be to give them an incentive so if there's something that the child wants um and when we when we um when we give things to our children we give them we have a great opportunity to to try to get them to motivate them so if there's something a child wants in particular that might not be regular for your family for something regular so then you shouldn't withhold regular from them because you want them to do something but there's something a little extra that they want whether it's a nice a pair of sneakers or it's another pair of sneakers or it's a trip or something like that and when you're not in that moment if you can get them to embrace that and very often they will they're like I would love to go on a trip like my favorite would be for a father-son trip if it's a son and then you get you get double out of it first of all you get your child to perform what you want whatever it is let's say it's doing homework or whatever it might be and then you go on a trip and you bond with your kid and that's what we spoke about the importance of spending time with them so while he's gonna have a great time because you're going to take them to somewhere that he wants to go whatever it is and you also get the opportunity for him to feel like you care about him and your investing time and you're understanding him so it's a win-win situation all around and I think the answer is to try to find a way to incentivize to give them an incentive incentivizing human incentive that's going to uh that that's going to talk to him and and you have to make sure that if you're an incentive is a toffee uh Taffy or whatever it might be that's not going to do it right it has to be something that is not expected I don't think the person always doesn't want to shoot too high because then he doesn't doesn't leave yourself room for another incentive or because in general it's not something that he needs but try to find something that is not expected that he would enjoy and through that get him to do something that would be hard for him to do which is but he feels accomplished by doing it really good I just want to I just want to add sometimes you can't tell the child to do it right like now you tell them like in an hour we're gonna do homework so you give them that space another idea is also to give them choices when do you want to do homework 12 or 1. so you throw it into his Courts for sure and hopefully he decides and it says for sure that's amazing there was a story about a girl that came from a salmon that she wanted to abort a child so sometimes I said look either I'm going to bring up the child or you're going to bring on the child you could choose but we're not avoiding the child we're not going to do yeah and so you know that's amazing you have to be willing to bring up a child to do that but you tell if you if you tell the child when are we going to do the homework you're kind of like giving them the choice and allowing them to make that choice and also like like you said it's it's brilliant what you're saying that don't make it don't make them do it right now give them a little warning let them prepare themselves for it emotionally and then they'll be ready excellent his um interesting one hi Ravi I don't want to blend I don't want blame the school system but I feel that if only the school would put in a little more understanding and connection to each child's needs they wouldn't have all these struggles is this a fair assumption well we we had our our um survey in the beginning about how the schools are doing um but there's there there are definitely two different nakudas here I want to tell you something uh that happened in a school in a particular School um and uh I happen to think that the educational system in RC soil in general is phenomenal this is a story that happened in Arizona now there are two different types of yamakas there's a velvet yamaka that has a uh a band around it or if you can see that and then there's one I think when I'm what I'm noticing on Coach monogamous it doesn't look like it has that band on am I right I don't know okay they're not banned in Arabs as well in Israel is called the serot it's like a it's like a film kind of going around it right and the start is also the word for a movie a serot is a film so if someone came up with the following some someone in finna came up with the following saying someone who goes to with a yamaka that doesn't have a ferret around it is they'll end up going to a movie without a yamaka you go to uh if you go to yamago that is so you understand that what they're saying is you're off the Derek if you don't have this thing around your yamaka over here and you're you're basically you're you're on the path to being off the deaf it doesn't sound very understanding now at the same time I think that it's important for us to realize that different yeshivas have different are catering to different types of talmuda and there are times when what's appropriate for one type of talmud is not appropriate for another and therefore the Shiva that is square is trying to address the needs of one Talent and another Yeshiva is trying to address the needs of a different Talman I know of energy throughout it's very it's very common that that there are people who are the they're like the Das Torah of different Meister I know a person a God always duster of two different meisters one my sit it is absolutely unforgivable for boys to play sports and not myself absolutely Unforgivable and there's another moisted where they have a basketball court in the school and he's in charge of both schools and the reason is because he understands that different yeshivas are meant for different people the problems sometimes and not always is we're pushing our children into the wrong School there's a boy who belongs in a school that's playing sports but the other school is clearly more cautious it's clearly more prominent I want to get in that school so we're going to pull all the protection we can and make all the phone calls and get our kid into that school and then our kid is suffering and then we're saying the school's not being understanding enough maybe you didn't belong in that school and who who pushed them there so the I think there's there's too much is it's important for children to see inspiration in the home so expect these Shiva to inspire to tell me them she was do better jobs I mean she was that are more inspiring and other yeshivas that are more you know that they're more removed but we can't expect the Yeshiva to just do the job for us the the foundation has to come from the home and that is the foundation of inspiration and um that's number one number two is there there are schools that they they're very clear what their mission is and if we're going to um interfere with the mission because we're trying to send our our son to a school it doesn't belong so then you know it's it's harder to blame the school for that now I don't know the way it works in in uh in certain places like inertia straw it's impossible to get your kid into a school that protects you it's not possible so so using protects you it doesn't mean that I'm trying to uh you know put my my son where he doesn't belong because it's impossible to get anywhere where that projects but at the same time we have to really figure out if we're we're taking care of our child because this is what's best for them or this is something that you know this is our vision for where we want our children to be and because we feel good about saying my child is in this school or in that school and then then we're creating a situation where they're not getting what they need those are my thoughts I said the two more questions I want to copyright yeah go to the closing segment part if that's okay sure okay our son who's finishing up high school is discussing with them different options for learning maybe an artist role but is expressing it doesn't feel so connected to being so from what is our approach and how should we handle going post high school if he's not like basically the question is if he's not so into going further in the studies he finished high school he did it but he's not so into it he's not what is the job as a parent are we supposed to push them to go further are we supposed to say okay start college go to work what what what's the proper approach in such a situation um yeah you know if you come very popular for people to come territorial after High School and dirty Soul does offer something that's very special I was talking to relationship in America he said I think the difference between America has done this I think the difference to United Stone in America is as follows in America we could get you excited about learning and I would say straw you could get people excited about your display remember we don't have that if there's a different environment sorry I missed that word say that again I'm sorry in America you can get them excited about learning a nurse tutorial you could get them excited about Yiddish kite as we don't have that in America we're one-dimensional this is a roshishiva saying I I didn't you know this is what he was saying and I hear I hear where he's coming from he's like what do I have to offer you I have to offer you tell you right and I can't I don't have an opportunity to get you excited about which by the way excited about you just get will eventually get you excited about learning but there's there's a lot of opportunity in artists as well that people don't have in hooks for us and um the the the what I tell Bacca when they come territorial is your past performance should in no way dictate your expectation for your future the rules change and accessories everything is different when you get it here so even if there's someone who feels like he's not inspired and he doesn't necessarily you know he's not really looking for the Final Cut responsible there is a uh there's a tremendous chance that or an opportunity that something is going to happen in arts Israel or if you know it can happen also if it technically can happen in America but I think Arkansas we found it's much more person who's you know to Define uh the closest that goes and even people that aren't necessarily looking for it but he has to be in the right Yeshiva he needs to be in the right Yeshiva there's many different yeshivas and Earth is wrong and you have to find the one that's the most suitable for him but certain parents have told me certain times is I'm only sending my son to this type of Yeshiva says if you're not open to your child being an issue that's best for him so then sedentary to straw um can you know can do more damage than it does good but I do think that we should encourage our children to be receptive to you know the the I heard from Dr talk with that until a person is 19 20 years old his brain hasn't really developed fully it physically hasn't developed like there's parts of the brain haven't haven't matured and you can't really make decisions until you're 1920. so we really want our children to be able to get an opportunity to choose what they feel is really right for them before that age any choice does not necessarily is not necessarily um one that's gonna be something that coming from death okay represent the last question then we'll go to closing we'll give uh we give a very uh a closing so I think the last question before it's an easy question we always end up for the easy question okay the question is as follows um how can you say just love them if he's rooting his own life by letting him hang out with the worst friends and doing the worst things loving for who he is and not for what he does unconditional love this is impossible for me the things that he does the way he speaks to me and my husband the destruction he's making in my house the friends he brings home how as a human person can we deal with it and give him the love that he needs okay okay well again unconditional love definitely does not mean unconditional approval and we don't have to approve of what they're doing um in in any way a former fashion and the the the the the fact that someone is doing something which is detrimental and if if it's going to be helpful and certain circumstances it will be you can tell them you don't approve of what they or what what of their choices and and the things that they're doing if it's healthy if the child is healthy very often they're not very often they've been traumatized from whatever it was and and it's important for us to realize that this is the way that we're going to give them an opportunity to come back by loving them is going to it's it's it's showing them that you have what to come back to a lot of times because there's that friction then there is no more the the we've lost the opportunity there's no law there's they they don't have anything that they even can think of coming back to for that reason if a person is worried about a child that's in crisis we'll lose them forever if we if we if we look you know if we yell at them and we agreement them and that's not gonna bring them back the only thing that we can do is we can show them love and again if a child is capable of hearing that the things that he's doing aren't are not right unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval and therefore we don't need to um to feel like we can't express to them that there's something they're doing that we don't like if the boy the child whatever it is is healthy enough to hear that and that's something which we have to have guidance from someone who is a uh someone that knows the child understands what they're going through the other thing is we can Empower others to be involved in our children the home should be a place where the child feels accepted a Mahana can talk to a child you can get someone else to be involved whether it's someone a guidance counselor whether it's someone that Arabian Yeshiva or whatever it might be one of those people can be the ones that are working for you and saying all the things that you perhaps would want to say if they feel like it's going to be discovered but but as far as the home is concerned the most important thing is that child should see that a parent loves them child will respect the parent for that and and the child respects and sees I love for Hashem and respects its parent even when they're going through things that that they're hard they're having a hard time making the right decisions but when when they get the strength they'll return I tell you I'll end with one quick story I asked the boy once it was at risk very at risk sitting together with a few girls and a few boys it was a friend of mine asked me to help with their child and it was right before pesos and I asked these kids which of the four Sons do you identify with it's a survey you could put it on one of your surveys which of the four Sons the toms the the Russia the boy that I was the most about was lean over to me and said in my he said he said to me identify with the Russia but I really want to be the and a lot of times the kids they don't have the strength to make the right decisions right now the boy was was he was very he was doing a lot of really very damaging things to himself but he wants to get back there and we have to give him a place to come back to and if he sees his parents are good there are people that that are that are they're growing people they're people that are close to Hashem and they love him he's gonna still want to come back I don't want to come back I'm proud of my father I love my father he loves me I'm going to get there right now it's so hard I got so much pressure I have so much that I I you know so much temptation but we have to have patience and and and and the amuna is going to come back it's Ava and amuna right that's what we said it's Ava and amuna so we have to believe that that this child is going to come back okay beautiful ever said let's go to the closing represent to think of a nice something to leave us with but we'll start wrapping it up now okay Center coming on tonight waking up early early morning giving tremendous physics it was a huge item here tonight with seven thousands people I'll listen to it later it should it should definitely make a big big Russian again we said the match is 123 so I think it worked out it worked out perfectly again tonight's show was sponsored by Ellie and Rani Eisman of ee of e events with the person talking chief of the dedication devotion that he gives to each tamad they continue to be Margaret started with issue with us again if anybody wants to join um just WhatsApp me at 848-525-0066 and save my number I will email you every Sunday the Flyers uh you can go to Coach you can go to managefall.com sign up to for his email list that sends out the shioram and the and the replies which will be available in a few hours will stay up late and get it all and get it up right two three in the morning usually again if anybody's here the first time every Sunday night at 9 30 on this Zoom ID doesn't cheer on different topics can show up next week December 4th of a program Epstein he's from Scranton he's one of the biggest therapists well-known therapist in the area of OCD and anxiety topic is anxiety or piety understanding OCD and anxiety in The Firm world so please join it should be a very powerful program and let people know about it again everything's recorded.com everybody has any questions for us or for Rabbi Center please email us at Coachman Ahmad gmail.com and we will not sham respond and tonight's chair is 123 if you want to listen to it on the phone we'll be up tomorrow on the phone lines at 848 777 grow and uh I want to thank again the advertising sponsors local school Ariel from Five Town Central highlight conference rules I'm from jcn and we're gonna go to closing for Coach Menachem and then representer we'll go coach wrap up tonight wrap up a two hour share yeah I think first of all thank you so much for vicenter for giving your time early in the morning and um the topic is is a there's a challenge it's not an easy one and like we heard each child is different and uh the parents it's not it's not easy to say the least but uh just to remember the the foundations like we discussed the positivity the hugs all of you know the discipline is is afterwards but uh it's only after you can give the hugs and the Fila like we heard doesn't go without it and Hashem sends the child each child to the dead parents and um I think it's very important like we heard tonight it starts with the adult with the parents sometimes it's hard after uh all these challenges you don't feel the love for your child and sometimes it starts with your own how you deal with your own inner child how you feel about yourself how you relate to yourself self-compassion what what are the voices that you hear what do you say when you make a mistake when you yourself make a mistake so that's you know if you can't take it when you you make a mistake how could you give it to your child and when you make a mistake nobody knows about it you try to keep it a secret but when your child does it everybody sees so you get mad so it's not solve for self-compassion and self-love which is hard for people who haven't seen it who need it and the those those kids need it the most you know the parents the kids and um just a little bit that we do just a little bit one step at a time we'll make a change and it's Hashem and like we heard eventually they'll come back you know the person himself I'll come back my little child will come back my real child my inner child or you have to be there just with patience and I know it could be hard and the self-care is important and for those who didn't get self-love when they were younger they usually don't understand what self-care is all about just to be there for yourself just tell yourself you're okay even if you're not perfect and if you can be okay even if you're not perfect then your child could be okay you could be there for them and it's Hashem slowly slowly but surely we should be able to do our tough kids this is why why we're here this is what Hashem sent us and we try our best wishes from all the hundreds of people that come here to spend their Sunday nights late at night to get physically which is a journey in itself we're going to broccoli for everybody's gonna hear the show we're at the show who's gonna listen to the show later they'll leave us a strong wrap up two hours wow well first of all it was just for me even just to hear that those closing remarks from Coachman achem I I really don't want to say anything because I was that I think that was really what we should be left with but I guess I have to that's why I'm here and I'm happy that I was able to be on the first thing is we mentioned that you have to hear all of these episodes um because there there are many different houses and every person has to realize and they shouldn't feel like they're stuck in one particular thing and just because something resonates by you it has to be right to your child and Revolution Feinstein explains why the arbor bunion we speak about though we just mentioned that Russia and you look the Russia the questions are super similar so why does one get such a harsh response they don't get such a soft response says emotion you have to know your kid you have to know who you're talking to and we spoke about spending time with your children and how important that is and then every person is different and there are people who you know because of the fact that their experiences they just need a lot of hugs but they're they're also clients that a person has the ability to try to to stretch their children to have more expectations to set boundaries whether it's when they're younger using incentives as we mentioned for a bistro salanter that he says that when you're younger you use d8 Sahara but when you're older on this and there's a place for a person giving constructive criticism to his son as coach son or his child that criticism doesn't mean that you're bad especially when it comes couch with so much love and you're great and I just want you to be better and I know that you can be better and I believe in you and I love you and because I'm so proud of you that I can actually say this and the gomoran Tama it says Cosman as long as this criticism constructive criticism in the world is a super important part of of the way that uh that we can improve if it's done properly or become shelves explains that the the are we deserve about are such a strange that people used to just relieve themselves in front of their desire the idea of it is always do what you want you can do what you want everything is acceptable you could even just go to the bathroom right here and that's not Yiddish and and there's an idea of a person being able to have us having expectations of our children expectations of our talmudum again in a very healthy way if we do that in a healthy way that's what it means to be a Mahana what we speak about the plastic that says this past weeks after he says so we mentioned the manager says job is to try to stretch his town meeting get his talent to serve Hashem to live in the struggle to embrace the struggle which is embracing the fact that I'm getting out of my comfort zone and that's something that a person can enjoy teach them her to be happy with the fact that they're growing and that's something when a person does it with the right balance and a person feels that is satisfaction realize this is where happiness is that will help him to be able to overcome the all of the Temptations of the world of all the pleasures because really those Pleasures are just running away it's just running away from life and and real life is a person who's moving and to continue to grow and to move forward and I think that the people that are here listening to this clearly are people that are searching to grow because this is what they're doing on their Sunday night so you're clearly those types of people and to believe in our children believe in to establish our love for them and not only to feel it but to be able to convey it in a way that our children understands and then to believe in their abilities and to have patience with them and there's Hashem said first from ourselves and then from our children because if you don't have nothing for ourselves it's gonna have a hard time being able to like appreciate them and their struggles and we should always have to continue to move forward and to move up thank you thank you so much for coming we'll see everybody on the show next week 9 30 of Michelle Epstein have a good night