Chinuch Chizzuk For Mothers In Challenging Times

this tour class is brought to you by torahanytime.com welcome everyone so uh we we started before pesach a um a series for nation uh on Shabbos mavarkan we couldn't do it the Shabbos obviously we're not allowed in the shore so at least Matsu Shabbos is a good opportunity to get together and uh perhaps a timely subject is as we all have the kids home my wife just told me that there's only one career that has continued and has not been interfered or interrupted during this whole crisis and that is uh the the housewife the the mother of the house and if anything uh her career has expanded greatly and what I want to focus on this evening is equally applicable to men but um it will be recorded So if you think like you need to you know go like that to your husband and say you know this is talking to you you could send him the recording um so let's just begin that we're uh this Shabbos with Shabbos ER and er the sparm tell stand for it's a month of healing is also a month of healing actually the gemara says that hot brings healing on matoya Shabbos hot water drinking anything hot eating anything hot any heat brings rafua so it should be a month of Israel I mean we just came off the umptive pesach so let me begin with the story this story happened with the Samsung Cipher used to feed many many anime and many aniam would come to his house on uh in the days preparing for pesach and the the uh some Cipher would administer to these matzah so that everybody would have matzah for pesach and sometimes he would ask his wife to give it out sometimes uh the Michel the woman the maid would give out the matzah for of course had his special matzah and somehow in the mix and in the commotion of aravyamtif the Mishary says the maid gave away the samsifer's special matzah the matzah that was baked with great hidorah with great diktok and obviously I'm sorry for his wife when she got wind of this she was very upset because she figured her husband would be very upset these mats was meant a lot for the same so if these were the matzos of matzo with and she was nervous and he walks into the house and it's uh soon before pesach and he says you know what's wrong what is it and she spills the beans and some sofa collects himself and he said as follows this is reported by Roby Joseph kaimzanfeld he says better to eat regular matzah maybe machine matzo or push it mats on pesach then heaven forbid to slip and be nikshal in getting angry that's one version of the story another version of the story is even more provocative and that is a Sam Cipher says better to eat than to get angry we all are so careful not to to eat some pesach perhaps not even to eat gabroxt perhaps not even to um many are Macbeth obviously on kidneys I see that maybe there's a spardy over here I don't know if he knows this is for the ladies but it's okay but we're so careful not to uh however when it comes to smaller kinds of isurim in our minds let's say getting angry it's no big deal you know what's wrong with uh getting angry but it's not true so the first thing we have to understand before we speak about is anger in general even though we don't think of it this way and maybe we never even learned anger according to hazal is considered like idolatry anger is a big problem getting angry is considered a sin it's considered navera there's another similar story and I'm not here to tell you about aveiro's today but we're here to talk about but let's just get a little bit of a of an introduction there's a similar story where the value Yosef brings about um the Oye of Israel one of the great Hasidic Masters where a woman and her husband came to the eye of Israel and they had a marital strife and they were thinking of breaking apart and the obvious World Turns to the man he says you know why are you thinking of dissolving the marriage and he says look do you know what my wife did on pesach she Fred me gabroxen it's like hamets so he says well let me tell you something and he calls in his rabbits in and he says rabbits in come on Spill the Beans what kind of matzah did you give me this pesach and you know she's she's getting nervous he says don't worry nothing's gonna happen it's I know we're ready I know and he she says look I gave you uh simple maths I didn't give you schmura matzah and the OV soil says you see my wife gave me a regular matzah but it's better I should eat regular matzo and not get angry because at the end of the day Cass even though maybe we think of it it's not a big deal it how we we we get angry every day we get angry perhaps on the hour something perturbs us because something gets on our nerves one of the kids does something and we can't take it anymore nevertheless we sort of have to have a sort of a reality shift cost is something which according to khazal is a very serious infraction and the reason it's a serious infraction is what we're going to speak about tonight and that is because hazal understand that when a person is angry they have abdicated their secret they have given up their secret the gemara tells us in hagiga is who is a fool Sigma someone who walks outside a night right imagine somebody three o'clock in the morning decided to go to Manhattan and walk through the streets he's a fool are you crazy you're putting your life in in jeopardy someone who sleeps in the cemetery obviously mashugana if you do something out of anger you're considered a shaita why someone who does something out of anger consider shaita because at that moment you've abdicated yourself you've given up your mind you've given up your reason you've given up common sense and you're not thinking rationally but I saw something amazing and a safe area of a good friend of mine with and he writes I believe it's on page cuff dalid and actually his book is available in English and um my daughter actually just told me she she just finished the entire book in English so it's a very worthwhile to be able to have a safer on midos and Moser in the vernacular he brings but a very insightful idea the gemara says in araven there are three ways to recognize the true nature of a person everybody knows this camera a person's knicker because I person is knicker if he loses money if he loses money then uh we see what the person's true nature is person is knicker when they drink when a person drinks alcohol and their inhibitions are sort of loosens we see the true nature of a person and a person is is uh recognized when they get angry and person gets angry they can do anything we see what the person is all about this gamar is comparing an angry person to a drunk just like it's obvious someone who is under the influence of alcohol they cannot drive they cannot operate simple Machinery now driving a car is not rocket science you could get a license at 18 years old you don't have to be a brain surgeon to drive it doesn't require a great second you could be listening to a tape talking on the phone obviously on a Bluetooth you're doing 10 things in and drive it's not it's not that complex to drive a car but you can drive if you're under the info the influence of alcohol if you can drive when you're under the influence of alcohol and getting angry is like getting drunk it's like drinking then you cannot do anything when you're angry which means a person has to make a firm Kabbalah and a firm commitment then when I'm upset and when I'm angry I will not do anything I won't say a word and I will not react to my children this is the most important step to take in successful parenting when you're angry you need to just calm down you cannot interact this is not if you can't drive you can't drive you can't be mechanic you're Potter from you need to tell yourself when I'm angry I'm not going to talk to anyone I'm not going to say anything I will not do anything until I sober up from my anger because anger is compared to chakras it's compared to drunkenness so let me share with you a deep Insight that um I actually didn't even remember this I was looking at my notes today this comes from the safer or oilam of river Victor Miller and he has a very insightful idea you know all middays have the media and the antithesis and the media and the polar opposite so for example in the safer Orchestra of Miller writes and I found the same thing in the safer Malo is and its opposite for example gaiva arrogance and the opposite of gaiva is an evos humility you have remembering and forgetfulness you have love and you have hatred now the orchestra can come to the media of anger what would you say is the opposite of anger so the opposite of anger is shalva tranquility margoya contentment peacefulness right what's he asked someone who's angry you know smoke coming out of their ears smoke coming out of their nose they're all agitated what's the opposite of anger the opposite of anger we would have thought a chalvo or margoya no the archa Sadi came also on the safer Mala samidas brings the opposite of anger is rot sign good will what's the meaning of this why is the opposite of anger good will says River Victor Miller from here we see a very deep insight into what the problem with anger is and how we break it and how we overcome it anger is when something is Menage us when something opposes us when something gets in our way when something is interfering with us I don't understand I want to clean the kitchen and this kid is getting up for the 90th time and I would have liked to gone to sleep 15 minutes early a half hour earlier the kid is managed me he's interfering with me he's getting in the way he's getting in the way and the um the opposite of KAS is rot sign where a person has good will to what comes comes and encounters them a person accepts what they encounter a person is able to be soyville a person is able to tolerate a person is able to show Good Will to in other words you ask that you ask on clean up this room you come back they didn't do it so this person interfered with your schedule there are Menage to you they opposed you so to overcome Cass the proper me though would be rot sign where a person says you know this angers me this annoys me this pesters me the Meda that is the antithesis of Cass is the need of rat sign the meat of accepting the meat of tolerating tolerating is the opposite of cause so I want to share with you um I guess that um sort of struck me today and it's very often we get angry because someone is taking away our time we asked somebody to do something this person is delaying us I asked somebody to be ready I asked somebody to do something and you're delaying my time my time is very valuable I'm so busy I'm so hurried I just want to rest I just want time to myself and this person is taking away my time so here is a good thought to have the gamara Magilla says that the tal medium asked rabzera why did you live long web zero lived a very long life zero was a Cayenne I had this to be at the cover of Zara this past January in Arabelle it's all the way on the top of a mountain and the tamida master of zero why'd you live so long and he says I never got angry in my house to me this is amazing think about it Observer says I got I I never got angry in my house what a broker this is so the next time somebody does something you say to yourself oh my this person's taking away my time my time is so valuable I'm so busy I have so much to do I need my I need my relax if you don't get angry now your reward is going to be you're gonna live longer you'll make up the time that's the that's the me that connected me to over here the Revenge film says somebody who controls their anger someone who's able to remain calm you'll have more time that's the reward so next time somebody interferes with your schedule you should think to yourself we banish you're testing me but I'm going to remain calm because I know that you're going to reward me to connecting me that whatever time this person made me lose out on you're gonna make up for me I'm gonna get it back here's a very interesting thought the um was written by Rebel Lazar as Kiri he was one of the Contemporary Ariza and he says something very interesting you know in when God brought the marble to the world and this is something to think about in our in our very dangerous time when Hashem brought the marble to the world how many people were spared it was a very dangerous time no one was spared only noyakula spared why was Nayak spared like what did Nayak do that God loved him so much that he was the only one who was Spirit why was he the only one who was spared like what was his what was his redeeming quality it doesn't really say anywhere in the hummus it doesn't say anywhere what the uh what the and what the Merit of noise why Hashem spirited more than anybody else but lesser as kiwi reveals that the secret to understanding why the rebound is actually found in nayak's name means calm and that's why it says foreign he was always calm he was calm to shamayim he was calm to the animals he was calm to people didn't get angry the animals were barking feed me feed me feed me you know if we were not we would said close your mouth already you should be happy I put you on this table I'll feed you when I get around to it stop bugging me stop pestering me I can't sleep the whole night and you know you're not giving me a break you know if you make another noise I'm like you're not gonna have food for a week if you don't get it if you if you bark again I'm gonna throw you off the table with the raven Nayak didn't get angry that was his in a time that the whole world was being destroyed every last human being was being destroyed that he was not destroyed with the rest of the marble was he remained calm now easier said than done but it gives us a perspective that when tensions are high and this kid needs you know the phone and that kid needs to get on to zoom and that needs to call in if we're able to remain calm we could tell ourselves that this might be the most important thing that I do today more important maybe than might Fila more important than a casa to other people perhaps the most important thing a person could do the entire day is that when tensions are tough you remain remain calm this is love so much that the entire world could be in a marble the entire world could be destroyed the Revenge says that's the one who I love that's the one who I'm Gonna Save what the person do already what Nayak did was Nayak was able to remain calm so we uh we learned a few things I see our time is running low and if I'm not finished I guess just log on again we learned that that in the perspective of the Torah getting angry is something which is severe and the reason why it's severe is because wants us to operate on all running on all cylinders level-headed with reason and when a person gets angry they're like a shikar they're like a drunk where they're not capable of making decisions so a very important technique that we learned about is that when a person feels that they're upset and they're angry they should accept not to react not to do anything and not to say anything that's what we learned from the gemara that's what we saw from the safer elements furthermore we learned that even though when something makes us angry we feel like our schedules being uh affected our time is being affected our precious time is being taken away we tell ourselves says that someone who doesn't get angry lives longer you know one thing that we see in common about people who live long I remember I was at a funeral um it was arivium Kipper of somebody's grandfather in the shawl and I believe they lived um I think to the high 90s maybe even older and one of the things they said this person didn't get angry that's something we see commonly by people who live long they're able to keep themselves calm so a technique to keep a person calm is when you feel somebody's taking away your schedule taking away your time you say it to yourself This is a bracha this brings them will make up the time the Abundant will help me live longer we also learned that it's a it's a school it's in a time when things are difficult and we're for sure in the Shah's din right now we look around Hashem perhaps we see it's easing up a bit but these this was uh four weeks one of the most difficult weeks probably in our entire life maybe in many decades and we all need us we look to the marble tell us to say if tells us the reason why Nayak was saved in the times of the Mabel he was able to keep calm under the most trying circumstance I'm gonna just conclude by sharing something with you I've said this over many times but it's worth repeating we know somebody who is a very successful in raising children was somebody by the name of avraham avino avraham produced quite a sun Yitzhak one of the greatest people who ever lived one of the others avram produced at Sadiq Sarah produced the sadik so how'd they do it what was the technique we don't find that many interactions between avraham and Yitzhak in the Tyra we do find that they interacted by the akedah so I'm going to share with you I see for some reason the zoom is uh probably gonna stop in about 30 seconds so what we're going to do is uh it will probably turn off if we ask everybody just uh try to get back onto the zoom we'll wait another minute minute and a half and we'll we'll conclude if that's okay okay so we're just gonna wait until this expires and then we ask everybody to uh just click on again for the final uh five ten minutes thank you okay so uh we're speaking about avraham and Yitzhak this is an idea I've said over many times but it's worthwhile um repeating in the context of what we're learning the basic point is like this um I'm sure you're all much more experienced in raising children more than than me you're with your kids all day but the point that we're emphasizing is we have to remain calm we have to make sure that whatever our ideals and our values are we're imparting without any costs because when a person is because they uh they can't operate Machinery they for sure cannot uh deal with another child now just uh just concluding thoughts in terms of what children need from us more than anything else we find very little interaction between avram Yitzhak and the entire hamesh but one particular exchange which is very powerful and very telling is when Avril mavino is taking his son yitzrak to be slaughtered and yitzlak realizes something's up something is strange and yet turns to avraham Avi and he says my father you know what avram says behold here I am now this is very interesting hineni where else do we find the word hineni in the very beginning of the akedah ime God tested Abraham and God says avraham are you ready for the challenge are you up for the test are you up for the challenge what did Abraham say avraham said hineni behold here I am what did God what did avraham say to God hinani what does he Nani mean says Rashi Allah of humility of I'm prepared to do your bidding God tells Abraham are you up for the biggest challenge in history and avraham says hineni behold here I am it's a language of great humility wait a second doesn't avraham use that word he Nanny to somebody else doesn't avraham say that to Yitzhak Yitzhak says Dad is that you and what does avraham say he Nani behold who here I am hineni avram's talking to yitzlak with humility the same humility that avraham used standing before the Lord of the universe the master of the universe avraham is using before his son says from here we learn the same way you need to speak before God with humility you need to speak to your children with humility the same way you need to stand before God with respect you need to speak with respect to your children gamliel he says something incredible he says ideal with teenagers at risk and if there's one common denominator that children today need more than ever it's they don't they don't need things by the way I'll tell you interesting thing you know today we read in parque Ave the heavy the poor should be members of your house so how do you fulfill that today you can't let anyone into your house you know what it means the poor should be members of your house it means the members of your house should be poor you don't need to buy your kids things they don't need to have things they don't have to it's not good for them but you know what they need they need respect children today on his opinion children who have difficulty and turmoil the main ingredient that they're missing is the respect of their parents that there's their parents don't respect them as individuals and they don't expect respect their opinions you know why rabbi avraham was able to produce a child like Yitzhak because he gave him because he spoke to him with humility the same word he spoke to God he Nani that's the word he used to speak to his child and then remember drops a bombshell he says that his mother told him that if the Torah was written today and I don't know I don't think I would never say this and I'm even afraid to say that on gamliel said this but he says it so I'm telling you what he says that if the Tyro was written today it would not say in the Ten Commandments uh honor your father and mother it would say honor your son and daughter because that is what children in 2020 need more than anything else they need us to become they need us to be level-headed and if a parent is able to say come and level-headed and speak to the child with respect and in that vein and in that presentation give over yes I shayfullah could you please do me a favor I know you're very busy could you please clean your room well that's very disarming you didn't yell at them you didn't scream at them you didn't lose it but you did tell them what to do but you said it with respect this is a great avoida especially in this time it's not easy easier said than done I'm aware of the challenge I'm speaking about it because I want to work on it myself great patience great tolerance but if we're able to remain calm remain level-headed show our children the respect that they so desperately need from us we will for sure see all the payrolls and the um the fruits of our labor and the tremendous that we're all hoping and yearning for and of course we end off that you know the most important thing is that for success in raising children we need constant felized felized Felice we always say it's not enough to dive in even in shimana esre for the success of our children we have to dive in all day long when we put them to sleep when we wake up in the morning the mission of says it should be fluent on the mouth of a father and mother prayers for the welfare of their children this is something that you become part of our personality that we're constantly beseeching and dominating tashem for the success of our children thank you so much for joining us tonight and we hope to see the end of this difficult period for cloud Israel thank you so much okay end meeting and meeting for all you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by torahanytime.com