CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #88 Rabbi Yirmiyahu Cohen - Essentials of Dating

welcome welcome everyone to yet another episode of Tuesday's timely tour talks tonight we have with us yet another very special guest our dear friend all the way from the holy land from erotica Rabbi Year meow calling and welcome Rabbi how you doing great Hashem it's such a pleasure to be here I've heard so much about kazak I was uh privileged to have been in one of your in one of the events in the summer and I'm very excited to be uh to be honored with this interview yes honors all arrows Rabbi and and that event that you just mentioned I'm never gonna forget so many young men and women guys and girls came packed house no room to move Deer the rabbi speak on the topic of dating and marriage so tonight we're going to be speaking on that topic as a follow-up of that because at the gym many people have asked for us to have you on the program so the topic for tonight is the essentials of dating so all those young guys and girls out there this is special for you we're gonna All Be Inspired but before we delve into tonight's exciting topic we want to dedicate tonight's program in loving memory of uh our dear friend Boris Ben Lisa who is just nifttar the other day just passed away I would like to also think dailygiving.org for sponsoring tonight's program as well daily giving.org an amazing calls amazing organization do great things for Claudia for the Jewish people but before we delve into the to the topic Rabbi maybe you can give our listeners a little bit background about your yourself Rabbi a little bit about what your the great work you're involved with okay I'm uh some of my students know someone may not know some of the people listening I'm already from Gibraltar and you know most people said you brought out what's that where is that so just to give a bit of a geography background uh Gibraltar is actually a English colony it belongs to England therefore you may notice you may note a little bit of my English accent but on the other hand on the other hand you may also note a little bit of a Spanish accent because we are actually neighbors with Spain so we have this we have this what's called this combination of being English and being Spanish I could call it sometimes being Ashkenazi and being safadi it's that type of it's that type of combination where I try to be I try to be uh warm I try to be understanding and try to get the I'm trying I try to get the best of both worlds and the way that it is is that I started teaching in about 16 years ago as a Masjid and now I teach in the afternoons as the market chair and I realized that there are many many teenagers which they all want the same thing they want to learn and they want to get married and uh the same type of thing in the afternoons I did after early in the mornings in the afternoons they teach in Sims and the same thing the girls want to want to learn Torah and when I get married and by the type of questions that they've asked me over the last few years I've realized that many of them want to get married but they haven't really thought about what marriage means and it let me it pushed me all the girls and all the boys who should ask me questions and I would realize that some of the questions are really not questions it's just facts they haven't thought about it properly and what I did was I started giving small classes small tips here and there on on dating and on marriage and parenting it was more built because of people's questions so I realized that in so I sometimes a person sometimes a person creates a book creates a safer he creates a a series of theorem based on Safari on books that you learn and give Mars and tell me that you learn and sometimes it comes through the uh through the for the opposite is that when people have asked you so many questions about dating and marriage and parenting and you start looking around and then you start researching I find that a lot of what I say is is more than intelligence it's experience it's listening to people watching people hearing people and and then there's no better lesson than learning from people themselves sometimes you see what works what does not work and through a lot of backwards and forwards I felt that it was time that I that I wrote a book on parenting dating a marriage one which is short enough the people can read quickly but long enough for people should realize that what they mean what they may be what they be what they're going through is not a big deal but they have to find out that they have to reach out that they have to ask the rebbies after us the mentors so that's the background of how I got involved in this this topic of parenting dating a marriage which is a very passionate topic for me amazing rabbit calling unbelievable so let's jump into this topic uh the essentials of dating a marriage uh Rabbi what are the top traits to look for in a shiruch in a match what makes it uh a good match so if I would give you a black and white answer then I'm only answering the question to one type of person that's the first thing when people tell me what's the most important trait you need for what's the most important trait that you need for date matchmaking for dating for she talking call it what you want I say there's no one there isn't only one thing there cannot be only one thing because if there was only one thing so then only then people would not be getting married for example when it comes to when it comes to dating people say what's the most important thing so you could say looks looks are extremely important people with with people oh people think that well when someone comes and tells me Rabbi I need I need a good looking boy a good looking girl they think it's something to be embarrassed about us and I say absolutely not if that is what you want then that's extremely important that you should that you look for that now it doesn't have to be the most important thing but if that is if that is very important to you then then you have to go for it for example the talmud says that gemara says that a person must see the girl before he gets married there's no such thing that that they they set you up with a girl or the boy with the girl with a boy or a boy with a girl without seeing why not what's the big deal let's look at the me dots let's look at the family let's look at all the aura all the outside information why is that not enough what's the answer the answer is because that there are people out there and to be honest it's probably almost everybody who wants a spouse that looks good and sometimes they're embarrassed they feel well it's not it's it's not it's it's to say that my primary concern is that my wife looks good of my primary concern that my husband to me looks good that sounds very shallow it sounds very light it sounds very not important it sounds very like I'm not really being or not really being uh deep enough but the answer is that if that is what the person wants he must that becomes his priority another example some people say well I want some people say nobody puts money at the top of the list nobody does why not because it's embarrassing that I want a girl who comes with money or when a boy who comes in money it's embarrassing to say but if the person is a person which is used to living luxury and that person finds luxury is extremely crucial for him so for him marrying a girl that has money or the girl marrying a boy that has money isn't a isn't a nice thing it becomes something that has to be and what happens is when the person quells puts down that innate need that he has because he's embarrassed so then he gets he ends up marrying somebody who's not as pretty who's not as handsome as he wants or she wants or somebody not as wealthy as he wants or doesn't want and afterwards when the when the inside comes out the person finds himself I'm not happy in this marriage because she's not pretty enough he's not handsome enough he's not rich enough she's not rich enough and I find the mo but for me the more the person is honest with himself that is the key to start being honest what is it that you want some people may say me dots of course everybody wants somebody with good middle but some people you know everybody everybody wants a wife that always says yes to you everybody wants a husband they're always like that's the everybody wants that you don't always you don't in in marriage you don't always get that everybody wants help So when you say what's the most important thing I would say the before we figure out what's the most important thing what is it what I want what do I want do I want looks that looks is extremely important do I want money then money is extremely important do I want me that's the most important thing same thing do I want Health do I want somebody who learns Torah the person has to understand himself and see what is it he wants and then that becomes the most important thing so if there's the one most important thing the answer is no there's no one most important thing it's knowing yourself and being genuine yourself amazing rabbit calling okay uh so the next question is what are the biggest red flags when looking for it is that's a very good question I would say like I would say that the most one of the most important one of the most important qualities you'd like your spouse to have is the the the attribute do you need doubt of honesty that are honest in this world we know that nobody's perfect I'm not perfect you're not perfect nobody we know is perfect right and and everybody's able to everybody every husband and wife is able to get get along Miss tadarius in Hebrew we're able to get along we're able to live together as long as we feel that we're being honest to each other when there's a couple when the when there's a a young boy and girl dating and the girl feels the boy's not being honest or the boy feels she's not being honest for me that's a very big red flag because for example if somebody has a bad attribute somebody has the attribute of being of being angry cause anger is not a good thing but if the person acknowledges that he has this this attitude this this bad meet up of being angry and he is honest about it he doesn't have to go to the Sugar and say to the girl I am the most calm person and ever get angry but he can but he's honest he can say listen I do have my my faults in life but I want to be a better person I want to welcome myself and I want to be the best person possible so what happens is that many times people hide and lie about themselves you know you ask them do you pray every day and the guy says I pray every day sure I pray three times a day when he doesn't or do you learn every day and the guy says yes or are you healthy so for me the biggest red flag is when the boy or the girl are not being honest so the person is being honest then almost every single fault is bearable but when the person is not being honest for me that is a major red flag okay honesty very very very important uh Rabbi how does one develop strong communication skills when one is dating okay okay that is we're throwing a lot of fastballs at you Rabbi but but you're a professional how to develop strong communication skills when one is dating Okay so so first of all first of all um when I started when I started teaching in Sam and in Yeshiva I thought that being a good Mentor being a good counselor being a good coach and I'm working as a life coach now being a good coach is talking a lot talking a lot and saying advice a lot and directing a lot and basically listen to the person a little bit and almost like look at the watch when are you gonna finish because I want to talk soon there is that is what I would think is communication so I would say okay so you're asking the question ask it already I got the question now it's my turn to talk and then I would let go and I'll go talk talk talk and I thought that was communication and you know my wife told me it's not she says communication is not necessarily talking with each other it's listening to each other and of course uh I listened to her but I wasn't sure if she was right about it but then recently I did a very I I was I went into a life coach course and one of the biggest one of the biggest when people ask me what do you learn about that course I said I learned that I can help more by listening than by talking so that leads me to the to the to the dating sometimes the boy wants to impress the Girl by talking the whole time about himself what he likes doing what he doesn't like doing and when she's talking when she's talking he's almost like wait until she finishes because he wants to talk so he's not listening to her he's just being polite and waiting for his term to talk again and sometimes it's a girl she is talking and she is saying all that she wants to say and then after some point she realizes hey I must let him talk too so she asks him something or she lets him talk and then she's waiting and saying when is he gonna finish because I have to tell him about what happened yesterday in school and I find that when people think communication is I'm talking or you are talking that's communication so that's not communication communication is when you listen well not only because I am trying to respond to what you're saying because I'm listening to the sake of listening so how do you do this the truth is if somebody goes on a on a date with a girl a boy with a girl a girl a girl with a boy and they want to employ these tactics straight away it's very hard because you are naturally wired to want to talk and when somebody else is talking to one of to let them talk as quickly as they can because you want to be able to take over my my thing always is and I said it in my class that I said over in Queens that when do we start getting ready for marriage pretty much from the word goal from the age of 13 from the age of 14 from the moment that you realize that you have to work listening for me is the greatest form of communication not talking so if the person can practice listening from the age of 14 15 16 17 whatever age even right now you may be 31 you may be 29 you may be 27 start to listen what's the other person saying and when you start to listen to what the other person is saying not because you want to say your bit because you want to listen to them that's when the channels of communication begin so I believe that is that is a key a key thing in communication beautiful I've been calling amazing love it I'll tell you one thing our audience tonight is all listening so they're definitely uh getting uh Rabbi so many times there's a young guy a young girl they're dating for a very very long time they always have this question how do they determine that this one is the one how do they know that the one they're dating with the one they've been going out with is the right one for them okay you see uh Robin that is that's the question which when people call me and normally I have girls who call me they've been dating a boy for x amount of time or a boy dating a girl for x amount of time and uh they don't feel it they don't feel it you know the boys good could be that the girl has gripped me that um they have a great family Everything is Everything is very good they just don't feel it now when somebody doesn't feed it it's it's a bit of a problem because on one hand no Rabbi no Rabbi at least unless he's gonna unless he's like he's a somebody who learns Kabbalah and is able to look to the Future No Rabbi can possibly tell a girl that if you date him six more times then or you get married to him you'll be fine no rabbit can say that you can take a risk but but it is a risk because at the end of the day a person is a person has to feel when the biggest I tell all my students I bless them but should be there when they go out of this person that they're going out with they should feel that he would should feel the attachment they should feel the connection now when somebody doesn't feel that connection then it becomes a problem because you ask yourself why not so what I always say is let's start of all let's first of all do a checklist let's do it let's do a black and white checklist a a an intellectual work what uh what other persons what are what what is his what is his a lot what are his his good points can you write them down what are his bad points in writing down and uh sometimes there's points which are in the middle but in general water is good points and what are his bad points when the person now when you have black and white on a piece of paper that the person has more a lot more advantages more good more strengths than weaknesses sometimes there is that allows you to make a decision because sometimes a person you also have to understand why the person is not what is the Dilemma coming from sometimes the person says I love this guy I feel it but he has a certain bad attributes so then we look at the we look at the black and white table there's there's sticks good attributes and there's two bad attributes that's not so bad when you have out of eight 75 of 75 percent of this person is excellent and 25 he has to work in himself so then you can make a decision on that sometimes but for me the biggest the biggest dilemma is when the person does not feel the connection because if there's a bad me down you can judge how bad is it how bad is the attributes how bad is the problem but when there's a problem of lack of connection so that is like that is for me the most the the for me the hardest question that they ask I've sometimes told girls and boys that sometimes you can create a connection how do you create a connection because you know in in the Torah there's there's a world called that is love comes from the words in in how that comes from give me and have that also come some have giving giving and taking I found I found once that there was a couple going out and they weren't able to connect and he had all the all the strengths share all the strengths the families were good everyone was perfect but they couldn't connect they couldn't connect so I asked her does he give you gifts so she said to me he offers to give me gifts but I always turn him down so I said what do you mean if he gives you a gift accept it he says why should I says because sometimes the channels of love come through giving and taking when you give something you give something to somebody that's called and when that person so if I give you a gift and you accept that gift so I've given you a gift and you've accepted it so that's what we've opened the channel of ABBA and when you give me back the gift that I accepted that's also part of the channel and and as a proof to this is that whenever you ask who loves who does the mother love the child more or does the child love the mother move and the answer is especially once your parents that we always know that the parents love the children more than the child loves the mother why is that because the mother's always giving we see from there when you're always giving then you love the person more and when you're always taking you don't then you you you love the person because they're giving you so but if it's a give and take and husband and wife is should be a give and take the whole time so then through the through the engagement not even through the dating maybe not the very beginning but once you start getting serious and it should be feeling it give and take give her a gift and the girl should smile and say thank you and and the next time give him a small gift back and that way he says thank you to her you are creating a Channel of giving and taking and I think it's I think that's very important to be able to to enhance this now if the person still cannot still cannot connect I that's the kind of question which I rarely ever answer because it's a Rios it's a responsibility that it's too much to take on somebody else's life the person has to make his own decision you can help them get to the furthest they can but at the end of the day the person knows in his guts and the person has his trust is God what I would just say is not to get pushed by somebody else who says it's okay a copper said it you have to really feel this is going to work beautiful rabbit calling very very grape fiduci inside beautiful beautiful very very very good and uh we're coming towards the end of the program Rabbi and before we uh call it a night we always like to ask the rabbis on the program to leave us with one last final message for our broad audience and I was thinking maybe you know we could do something uh that's connected to uh it's coming up and uh the truth is we should have done a whole episode about Rosh Hashanah and about the new year and about the holiday and the high holy days but there was such such requests for every year meow can't just be about dating a marriage that would change the subject but in my opinion the connection is very simple we want to have a new start a new year a new you and uh what better way than to get all those singles to get married I'll leave it for you for a final message so I this is my small message there is a gemara a a gamara a gamara it's helmet in Rosh Hashanah that talks about Rosh Hashanah it's also I think if not mistaken in uh maybe okay in Rosh Hashanah for sure it says over there that in Russia Sarah Rahel and Hana were conceived so that's what it does Rashi says Rashi says right next to that gemara that Hashem decided in Rosh Hashanah who are going to get pregnant so I always ask the question I always had this question that what do you mean Hashem that they were going to have a child Hashem decides everything on Rosh Hashanah so what does it mean Hashem decided having a child that's obvious I don't need to know that Ashanti says everything on Rosh Hashanah what I realized the answer was that that true Hashem Desires in Rosh Hashanah but when does when did that decision when the decision when when the decision to action take place on Rosh Hashanah Hashem Hashem already decided you're going to get you're going to have a child and rosh hasher was actually done Rosh Hashanah isn't only a day where she decides is going to happen the whole year it can also be a day where all that you want is fulfilled thank you you were muted for a few seconds yeah so it was a phone call a person has to realize that Rosh Hashanah is is the most crucial time over the whole year and we are we could spend the whole year looking for a sugar we could spend the whole year looking for a partner so we can spend for the whole year looking for help looking for friends looking for finances But realize that Rosh Hashanah and the more we pray and the more we are we realize that Rosh Hashanah is the day they can give us so much so much success so what happens is in Rosh Hashanah we're supposed to we're supposed to make Hashem the king and realize that if I make Hashem the king and the King wants me to find the right date the king wants to define the right job the king wants me to be able to have the best Shalom bite possible matrimony possible the best uh marriage possible that is on Rosh Hashanah so the more that on Rosh Hashanah I'm able to put to say Hashem you are the boss and I trust you I should notice what I want Hashem knows what I need Hashem knows what I would like so in Russia this year we should all focus on making Hashem the king making him the bosses and telling Hashem Hashem you're the boss you are everything and we rely on you 100 and Hashem says oh really you're around 100 okay so you need a husband you need a wife you need a Vanessa you need help I'm going to Grant it to you and thank you all for listening I'd like to give you all a whole big blessing that whatever that it is that you're looking for whether it's a spouse whether it's children whether it's finances whether it's Health mental health physical health whatever it is that you want Hashem Hashem should give you should make Hashem the king and Hashem will give you everything that you will ever possibly want um amazing inspiration episode uh really really appreciate it all the way from area technology hear me out gone uh very very very nice words of inspiration we want to remind our audience every single Tuesday night is that the gym we have Zach's Tuesdays timely Torah talks with special guests we wanna one again dedicated tonight's program memory of Boris Ben Lisa and also we want to thank our friends at dailygiving.org thank you very much everyone for joining us I've been calling looking forward to seeing you very soon with the last name yeah thank you Rabbi thank you