Chazaq's Torah Talks #84 with Rabbi Asaf Haimoff - Turning Pain Into Purpose

[Music] thank you very much Tuesday night program with special guests tonight we have with us a very very special guest a dear friend has everything thanks for having me I appreciate it things are great I mean and tonight we're going to be turning talking about the Turning pain into purpose yes and uh before we talk about tonight's topic we give the a little bit of a background about the rabbi and a great worker involvement okay so a little bit about myself my background okay pleasure everyone in Queens the time of last name needs no introduction right for the people outside of Queens maybe um so I was born and raised in Queens New York uh Jamaica States and then moved on to Keegan Hills Saturday yes I grew I was born there and my parents made Aliyah to Kew Garden Hills when I remember I was in fourth grade my father started and took it to a whole new level a whole new dimension uh you know for all those who know the history you know the first real man come to her for this Friday Community I'm sorry if you're correct that's what he's done he created welcome Tara for the safaric community here in Queens I'll put out a lot of good coal guys put a new all the new robame the yeshivas today all the Young Generation all students from all simcha right my brother was in the cold over there that's where he met uh was there everybody walking was there that's right so oh everything that's taking place today in the community all started off in all simcha and I'm privileged to to see that growing up I was privileged to I am privileged to be a son of a father that lives for calistro and uh has given all his strength and still does continuously for cloudy straws so seeing that as a kid growing up made an impact on me um to pretty much carry out um that lifestyle not on his level of course because uh you know he's he's working with a different crowd um but I did uh grow up in Queens I learned in local schools continued to South Fallsburg Yeshiva I learned in Fallsburg for years that's correct um and then I carried on to Eric's Israel I was in the mirror I got married in Aristotle I was there for about nine years oh and I then I carried on to Robbie Berkowitz Joseph and there we we became usmah there we learned everything we needed to I mean well a big amount of our a way of thinking and the tools we need in order to strengthen ourselves our families and college Israel has been originated in that Kyle I mean a lot of young rabbis a lot they do a lot of good work they're doing awesome work for college straw they produce top guys good guys who go out there and I was lucky to come back to New York a lot of my friends moved to to you know to irony excuse me and they're turning lives around they're doing phenomenal work and um God bless them God bless them I don't know if I'll be able to go to those places you know I've uh you know I I don't know I it's they're cut out for it Berkshire they went there I needed to be in a place where there's a lot of Tyra family we have a different infrastructure you know what I'm saying and and uh you know so I moved back to New York and um I uh started doing a lot of curve work here in in Queens and as my kids got older we moved to Brooklyn and the Jews in Brooklyn sorry the Jews in Brooklyn but we moved to Brooklyn and my kids are all learning in the same Yeshiva we learned we moved to Brooklyn for that Yeshiva um you know they're in the Syrian Community there and they're doing phenomenal your wife's from that Community my wife is from the Syrian community and you know she wanted the kids to be in that school setting and we did the move with with Das Tara of course and it's the best move I've done can I have you know 10 children out of ten um though I mean most of them are in school the other ones are little but they're all doing great uh four years ago my life has completely changed to the better Barak Hashem through a major experience of excuse me through the experience of heavy heavy heavy darkness and pretty much living in Exile that has changed my life to the better I am a different person today I am a better person I'm more of a uh um sensitive person and because of the ordeal which I've been through and that is I had a daughter who suffered for a while with AML leukemia on her birthday she um was die as she I mean we got the news on her birthday it was a Shabbat during lunch the doctor came knocking on our door and he's all like pale and he's shivering and I'm like relax what you know what's going on and he told me that um that my daughter frat my oldest daughter has been diagnosed with leukemia AML leukemia which is for those who don't know or um it's better not to know but AML leukemia is the worst one of the worst leukemias a person can get especially you know she's she's a kid it you know it's more common by adults you know and she was on her 16th birthday was on her 16th birthday Shabbat I remember a doctor came to our house and he's like you you have an hour and a half two hours to put on blood she needed blood transfusion she needs to get new cells and whatever and I told him how much time he says two hours so thank you we were middle of doing hamoti um I got back to the table continued to do that with my children sing with my sons and why should my daughter know that you know that you know that it continued like nothing happened and I remember right after my sister was with us her husband was away on business so she was having Shabbat lunch with us and we called hotel and we send all the kids upstairs with my sister and my wife and my daughter and myself went in atolla to the hospital and that was our New Haven for the next two years and a month and then um you know she got better and then as she relapsed and then she uh then she did a bone marrow transplant and then relapsed again and eventually the leukemia and combined with infections got the best of her and she passed away on the week of Roshana uh two days before roshanashi passed away and she was like had to be buried in Harmony on air show that ever shut up two years ago and since that period to where I am today my life has completely changed and I was so hard to abnormal blessings in my life and I believe that that is because um my experience which I've been through wow that's that's where I am today with what I'm speaking with the rabbi open up uh a some sort of a center in in her name correct um and since they're passing Rabbi Amir have helped us with a with a campaign we started we did a campaign for my daughter and we were able to raise funds to be able to get her a safe Atara something which she very much wanted during her life she requested a safe guitar that's Make-A-Wish Foundation asked her what would you like they do this with all their sick patients what would you like and she threw out of bed and she thought for us I'm gonna go to South Africa to see the animals uh we're gonna go to artistro you know each one each High Lifeline volunteer was persuading or a different way and then she thought about the Abba I decide what I want I remember the conversation until today she was attached to all these tubes and everything and she was barely speaking and she said I want a safe attire because what more unique item than a separatora you know I'm saying like Eric straw she said I would always buy tickets and go it's not unique safari animals you know I see it in the parish here in the article parachira they have nice beautiful looking animals and I'm saying even added some features that you know so I'm saying I don't I don't uh you know these things aren't unique I I rather have something which is Everlasting and that's the same attire oh wow and I remember having this conversation with uh make a wish people I know like it wasn't such an easy thing but the way I sold the Saddam is by Italian look you give her this request that's her wish is what about that's what it's about but keep in mind that she is deriving 100 benefit from the grant which uh she will be getting from Make-A-Wish Foundation suppose that if you fool us all on a vacation she's getting 20 of him we're getting the other 80. you know we're a big family here you know I think twice where you want to give us a grant where we're a bunch of kids and you know and adults and whatever and it worked she got back to us the lady for make a wish is like yeah I spoke to my higher ups and even though they never done this before well we like the idea because it's only going 100 to all the dollars which they're allocating to this uh uh patient is going 100 to the patient that's something they don't normally get so that worked and we were as I had to make a beautiful for her and we use extra funds which are the surplus funds to start a better rush in Brooklyn we start a beautiful shawl um with many families all the young kids um have joined the kihila they have joined our new BET midrash called beder right and um we do a lot of kids programs we're taking them to American Dream next week visit Hashem yes you know for Hanukkah and um you know we we have the right families you know I work very hard there into my passion because my daughter was a child that passed away at 18 so my hearts and the children there so I give them what you know what they deserve and that is amazing programs good food market Challenge and of course top-notch learning a lot of rubbing their teaching and they build up from nothing we started on literally pesach and we are at seven months later they're like 70 or 80 families who are involved with the with the Kahala yes that's amazing so yeah and then essence you took your pain Rabbi and you turned it into a purpose and and maybe you could elaborate a little bit more how how you did that it's just so when I was living in the hospital and my daughter's situation was already at the end I remember the doctor sat us down it was a zoom call like the screen there right sitting here in one chair and my daughter sitting next to me now that you were both wearing masks five doctors on the screen and the doctor tells us and my wife is not even allowed in the hospital because you can only have one parent per child they're about to give us news which are going to change our lives forever but the second parent can be there stammer shine so my wife's face is also on the screen she was sitting downstairs outside in the parking lot and the doctors are telling us that look you're they're straight to my daughter I'll get to the point his doctor says talking straight to my daughter saying that your chances for long-term survival are close to zero those were his words I remember till today your chances for long-term survival are close to zero and that is because we weren't successful with chemotherapy and we're unsuccessful with the bone marrow transplant so we have nothing else to offer you we could try to give you all these you know novel drugs which or you know I've been not been tested yet and ifda improves you want to contribute to society so when you die we know it didn't work or if you do make it we'll know what did work either way you'll be continuing to society or you can go home and enjoy quality of life and of course she we decided that we're gonna just fight as much as we can in the hospital it's just you need to pass away you shouldn't freak anyone else out of the house and let her pass away like I mention the hospital and I remember at that time it was um the the first time she got sick I remember I was very angry and I remember saying to myself my father was sick two years prior because it was a miracle yeah he almost died all right he was on a respirator and I remember looking at him and said is this the reward a person gets for teaching attire for 35 years you know it's just you know I I didn't grow up with the father at home really he was always out doing care of whatever I never really I mean I had an hour a day with him for learning only but other than that once uh uh twice a year took us bowling I remember until today with his beard and pass and spinning you know 250s you know making strikes you know but in the end of the day my uh I remember looking I was very young at the time young I was young I was immature in my mind and I was asking is this the reward for a person he's just tired and when my daughter got sick I remember asking the same question like why is this happening to her let it happen to to a gaita you know who abuses her health with drugs and then you know and and each divara masuram she should suffer why should my daughter was at zadegas I have to go through this and um I I that that when I said and then I said I'm gonna make this happen I'm gonna get the best doctors I'm gonna get the best and three weeks into my plan I realized it's not happening it's going backwards and I was getting exhausted I realized that the cancer is not minus ion something is off here and I come to learn that there's a God who runs the world and my job is not to try to control her situation but they do match that glue together the best actors and allow God to do his things between God and my daughter and the doctor and I'm out and uh you know the Embark some she got better second time around I was not experiencing anger but I sort of surrendered I said Hashem you run the world if this is your will I get it I wish things were different um but you know it's unfortunate but if that's how you want it that's how it's going to be the third time around Rabbi walking probably walking who was uh working director of the teens for Kazakh who's my been my rebby from from literally since my bar mitza wow and we talk every day multiple times has taught me that perhaps now your outlook should be a little different and that is thank Hashem for your daughter situation learn to say thank you and I remember I said Rebbie that's something I can't do because I don't believe what I'm going to be saying see he taught me a concept he goes and Monty kidaber just believe it just say the words even though you don't mean it and eventually you're going to believe the words you say for instance a guy who lies the first few times he knows he's a liar but eventually he starts to believe his lies and thinks everyone around him is dysfunctional narcissist that's how they live their lives right or you know serial liars and robbers they the first few times they know they're doing something which is against the law but eventually they they looked at themselves that they're doing a the right thing and they're doing a Justice and everyone around them who's trying to stop them are dysfunctional they start believing their own lies and that is the punishment of a liar that he's never believed why because once you start believing your lies we're all out you know I'm saying no one else is going to believe you and he looks everyone else at their dysfunctional and he's and he's the truthful one they'll never take responsibility for their actions because they're they're they're trained Liars start talking that way you're gonna see and you're gonna have exclusive those are the words you told me I said ready but I can't do it my daughter's screaming and throwing up in pain I can't do it just do it just do it and I started to talk that way whenever she would be in pain I'll session thank you thank you for the opportunity this is towards really the last few weeks of her life and I knew she's dying and I knew this just going backwards when her body broke out with blisters and and boils and I knew that's the infection going through the blood through the skin through the flesh through the skin and out I know there's no way out she has no counts in her body to fight for survival um so I knew that she's gonna die from this infection because that's I mean when you're in the ninth floor and Salon Kettering you see this every week and you know you're an ex you literally living you're waiting in line to get into that gas chamber that's the experience you know so living like that for a few months in Exile in darkness helped me understand through dark dark dark I was able to start understanding and comprehending that I'm lucky that I'm lucky that now that she's dying I'm the lucky one that I was able to do a service for my Creator which only I can do and no one else could have done because otherwise Hashem would have gave this child to somebody else I knew this is not a result of my actions because otherwise I would die not her again I'm not God but to me it made sense that you know that sadakis is leaving this world um it only makes sense that she's being a kappara for college straw and Hashem could only give it to those who can withstand it not even once did she complain about her situation why me why me but rather how do I deal with it to understand look I'm not looking to live like a victim I want to live as a hero I want to be able to take what Hashem is doing to me and turn it into bracha by accepting by more than accepting by being thankful tashem thank you Hashem for giving me a daughter that I can make a killer with thank you for believing me that only I can do this for you thank you for giving me an hashama which I'm now we're going to return to you bigger and better than you gave her to me I'm giving her back to you thank you for the opportunity to be able to do a service for Claudia Israel through living in in in msk where Memorial Sloan Kettering in the ninth floor in darkness complete darkness I was not allowed to turn on the lights in the room um because it's then you know she lost her vision due to the chemotherapy so any sort of light even from a phone screen we used to drive her crazy so while everyone is partying in August sending kids to Camden Bungalow Colony or wherever they may be I'm sitting in August in a dark room no lights on silent no sound no noise no nothing I'm just sitting and staring at the walls for morning tonight and I felt like the luckiest man in the world that I am now doing a service for my creator and when you start living that way when you start understanding that Hashem is in it for for uh this is Hashem is doing with me someone's dying here and you're in pain it's your daughter said the answer is to me I looked at it as custard because the survival collection teach us that Hashem doesn't do any evil to his people why Hashem create a world Hashem needs humans now he's busy with Malachi mincham I am doing tremendous things in Shaman with the tire and Hashem needs now Chloe's all the game of the World the Michigan of humans you think Hashem wants to be busy with that Hashem has nothing better to do with his time to deal with all flaws of human nature the answer is a shame create a human nature for one purpose they hate they've been bar only to do good for his people and without a people Hashem cannot perfect himself from being good created us in order to be able to do good for his people so I know that what Hashem is doing to me is good for me and I know what Hashem is doing for me for my daughter is good for my daughter and I know what Hashem is doing to my family is the best thing for my family and I said Ms morality every single day I looked at David ml's life and I said here's a man that was on the run his entire life from his brothers from his father from his father-in-law from his son from his enemies the man's a king he deserves to to lead with you know on his on his throne instead he's hiding Starving in midvar Yehuda and what's his response thank you so I said that was you know uh that was Donna's milk by writing mismara tailing thing and that's why we're in pain that's what we read tell him right because we sort of want to feel the relief of animal felt the closure of Chief film that is to know that I'm not alone that you know that everything that is happening to me is because you love me it's because you believe in me is because you care for me if I was exed off your list I would have the perfect life Hashem would throw billions of dollars on me I'd be a lottery winner and I'll just live out my life you know without having to ever have a relationship with my Creator but through Darkness I was able to make a relationship with my Creator which I never had before and it allowed me to work on my bitachon allow me to work on my Muna to know not just to say it but to believe that what happened to my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to her and whatever happened to me as a result the best thing that ever happened to me and I was promised I would see bracha and I have abnormal my life I remember the day my daughter passed away I remember looking at her and I was kissing all her boils and I said these tarot these boils got you in the greatest place in Chennai you went from being in tremendous pain 10 seconds ago because she passed away in my arms and I remember playing with her hair as you know she was dead and I was kissing her and and I said you right I was crying but inside I believe and saying to myself I'm so lucky knowing that I was able to get my daughter now to the greatest place in shamaim cutting the line you know no dinner she's right now this second with Sarah and Rahul Rifka with all the image with with with with with Miriam playing music in Shaman right now and a second ago she was you know with a seizure grasping for air and literally a second later she's in the greatest place in shamaim and the greatest pleasure for eternity in perpetuity and here I am stuck in this world saying to myself I'm a hero but I made right there our commitment saying I hope I know I have the greatest place in Chennai one day waiting for me my daughter will pull me in as long as I don't do anything stupid to mess it up right don't do anything dumb or Hashem gets angry at me um I will one day leave this world hopefully going to the same place she went because I was able to have this close to be her father and my wife and I put her on that level to be able to handle who you swim the way she did to enter Canada so I looked there and I said you know her last conversation in this world was with Rabbi Walken it was a Monday and she died on Wednesday and Roshana was on Friday I remember the Monday that they when her body finally gave up so she felt no more pain and this happens to people before they die also they feel Bliss like no pain or anything because the body stopped fighting the fevers were going down because the body lost pretty much and then then eventually the infection just takes you so she was on the phone with Robert walk-in and she said what's my vote of Roshana in other words I can't read from my mom's or she was saying to him because I'm blind so I can't make out the words I can't get out of bed to go here chauffeur because I'm stuck in bed I can't walk I can't I can't do anything for myself so what's my avoida and I remember what you told her I said you're about this to fight that's just that's you that's all it's demand we'll do everything else for you you're part of everybody else you'll drive by this to fight then after that conversation you should completely lost it and we were never able to have a normal conversation with her again wow and that's how she died but she left this world with that question in mind that was how she left this world I remember standing in front of my Kilani on Kippur and I told him right before Eli said this is how this girl left this world it was Eric Roshana when I spoke to him I said exactly two years ago today she left this world with one question in mind what is my avoda I said she's gonna hold all of us accountable who are healthy who can see who can run she's going to hold all of us accountable that have all those advantages who don't stop for a moment to ask themselves or their creator what is my avoida this year just go through another year just like that just get over with the dominating oh beautiful great khazan great selling and just go home and eat she that's what she left in this world and I'm lucky to be her dad well and 30 days after she passed away my wife gave birth to a baby boy that's when the broccoli started to come in of course all right walking with sandak Wow and I remember looking at him my son and he was born literally under slation wow and and at the same time she died he was born and the same machines my daughter was connected to my wife was connected to and when she was giving birth and it was very emotional for me because at 30 days ago I saw that machine stop you know and here 30 days later I see that machine going up and down up and down and in a minute in a matter of 30 days a baby boy respardick right a boy on a solution to me that was like Grand Slam wow and I remember looking him in his brist and I said how am I going to feed you I have no money I just got out of the hospital two years of sitting there with nothing broken man and I have a bunch of kids at home how am I going to feed this kid and I remember right walking was telling me after the race like we really have to talk today of what you're doing going for and I said I don't even have a plan but we'll talk I don't have a plan oh and you know going fast find two years later I'm working I'm involved in real estate I'm involved in management I I have the opportunity to be able to teach Tyra for free wow because I have a parnosa I'm able to fulfill her wishes by getting a safer Tyra by starting a bent meat rash my wife gave birth to another girl a few months ago a six months seven months ago my wife gave birth to oh excuse me February 10 months ago I lost track you know we're up to 10 kids you know I'm able to pay my bills heat on in my house so you turn pain into a purpose so my pain amounted to purpose by not allowing to allow myself to like a victim rather live by myself like a hero I always use Israel as an example you know the Arabs are always moping oh we're we're we're living in in these camps refugee camps because we were thrown out of our houses by the Israelis and therefore we can develop ourselves and look how we live and look how we live and look how we live in comparison to that you look at Eric's Israel Israel how that became an establishment you know we also came broken Holocaust Survivors the country was built on broken men and broken women um who built a country for themselves surrounded by Wolves okay and became the greatest produ production company uh production country in the Middle East you know any I mean the computers we work today are manufactured in Israel all technology and you would think that you know that that they should be the greatest victims in the world who should they thank for all that the Arabs who are down their backs because had the Arabs left them alone they wouldn't have the best security in the world they would not invent the greatest technology there would never be two steps ahead they always have to be two steps ten steps ahead because they're up against the wall by an enemy who's looking to slaughter them so ordeals and darknesses and situations of Exile which I experience only brings out the best of the person if you allow it to but there's two options you face you know it was very a lot easier for me in the hospital to be on my game because as long as my daughter was alive because I remember having conversations with the doctor saying your daughter is not going to make it how do you want her to leave this world and and that was like probably the most nauseous conversation I had in the hospital when I was there I remember like a week before she died we had to figure out and sign paperwork how should we put on a respirator should we pull the plug should we give her this medications that I'm like this is the only option I have right now is to discuss what option I want to choose for her to leave this world it was gruesome and I remember throwing up after that conversation now go back to the room and like a frat how you doing all upbeat because why should she feel that there's that there's anything wrong here I said no option but to be in my game but I remember after she passed away after my son was born after I fell back into society also I'm looking back and I'm saying now I do have options right now I can choose to be depressed and all stop me but I fought it and I fought and I fought it and that pain which I had the purpose of that was to allow me to appreciate the light which is in my life and I have abnormal because of it and and that's a message to everybody you know we'd suffer with pain right there's not one person which we know that doesn't experience pain in his life all right be it you know a domestic uh issues in the marriage right the message a lady and their workplace is driving your wife crazy uh uh a boss is down there on your back or whatever because you're not producing good or whatever it may be you know these are things which throw us off a bit these are things which you know which we have to deal with these are ordeals which can break you but if you look at it as an opportunity as opposed to a uh verdict right you can turn you can literally turn it around by making an opportunity and then when you look at it that when you say Hashem this is the best thing the words coming out of my boss's mouth is exactly what I needed to hear right now the words coming out of my wife right now mouth right now is exactly what I need to hear right now or wherever it may be that's that you're not getting along with when you accepted that that's the position you're right now is exactly the position I want to be in but you want to see how you react and you become a hero because of it by looking for the opportunity as opposed to looking at the verdict in it your life will turn around that'd be very inspiring very touchy um you discussed how uh you took the pain and you made it into purpose how about others that are going through pain what can one do for other people others are no different again I'm a regular person grew up in a regular home not knowing what my value is and I've come to learn that and there's a message for everyone look this is no offense to anyone personal I used to weigh 250 260 pounds no way big fat overgrown plump all right and the only times I try to lose weight multiple times I tried to lose weight and every time okay we'll replenish again on Sunday right we'll start and should I gain more weight just by eating on Shabbat by saying well it was a good Sunday I have to stop right so so I would eat extra on sure about knowing that tomorrow's my diet so let me enjoy it now this happened every week and I realize I'm 10 pounds more except instead of going forwards and going backwards the reason is because every single human being has light Hashem created us with r a lot of Light which Hashem wants to shine upon us light in other words bracha problem is we don't have our vessels are not big enough to be able to contain that light every smoker wishes he could stop you see people dying just stop the answer is first you're in denial of saying to me it won't happen to me or the other way around first you really want to quit but then when you can't quit you start making it right saying oh to me it's not going to happen but fine but every person deep down knows when he takes a puff he's not definitely not taking in organic uh minerals into his body okay he's he's taking a deadly uh deadly stuff into into his system why does he do it he really want he'd really rather not to but the vessels which he has are not big enough to be able to contain the light same thing happens until finally made up my mind I'm gonna lose the weight no matter what and I remember quitting smoking and I said I'm gonna start running in order not to eat more because when you stop smoking that density even more so now it's not gonna be shot at this time anymore every day of the week anymore because cigarette doesn't explode so I said that stopping and I'm gonna start you know disciplining myself to start running and and that's how I lost the weight and it was a losing weight but by default to quit smoking great so I got both of what I wanted by making my mind one of them Sacrament failed the first 20 times the answer is I wasn't shooking up and when I realized that I'm not going to make it to a nursing home 400 pounds with the tennis balls in the bottom of the Walk are asking for a light for my cigarette because the 400 pounder who's smoking doesn't make it to the nursing home with the tennis balls in the bottom and that shook me up I said I don't want to end up like that I don't want to end up not making it I mean I don't end up in nursing home period but I don't wanna I wanna be in that bracket one day where I could live a long life and I know with my two habits right now it's not happening and it shook me up and that's why I made that decision I'm not going back to it and I'm going to push and do it right and then as it was so painful and the withdrawal of not having nicotine in your body and not having sugar in your body and not having anything which I was liked in my body I remember it was October November time I was sweating in the middle of the night cold sweat and I knew this is my body acting from withdrawal and I was so proud of myself for suffering because I deserved what was coming to me because look how much the negativity can take over it's it's it's hurting me I'm in pain right now because I'm lacking all this stuff and I'm dying to just run out to 7-Eleven and buy a pack of smokes and a coffee with a lot of sugar just to get my mojo back but I said no this time because I allowed myself to develop the vessels I needed in order to be able to contain the light and then I lost the weight and I quit smoking and everyone backed it don't talk much to lose weight anyone could lose weight how do you keep it off that's that's I was able to do both some special no because I realized I was lacking vessels let's take that into life when you're going through darkness that is the purpose right there is to turn that pain which you're going through into the greatest joy in the world because what Hashem is doing to right now is giving you the opportunity which we discussed the opportunity to be able to create vessels to be able to receive all the bracha which Hashem wants to give you and until that point in my life I know maybe I had broken made and I definitely didn't see it as such now that you know I I know what it's like to live being separated from my children so now that I have a bunch of little kids at home I'm a father all over again I feel like I'm 20 now and I'm really 40. you know I feel like I'm 20 all over again I'm running after kids meal tonight and I love it I used to not be able to stand it I need my sleep and now I'm all over it I get up for the kids and I play with them and I'll talk to them this and that a bunch of little kids have it on barksham you know my wife gave birth and three kids in three years since my daughter's second time around till now three kids you know a bunch of teenagers as well you know which but only give me you know so we go through the ordeals we go through in order to be able to build vessels because Hashem wants a relationship with you and Hashem wants you that relationship with him if you have everything in the bank and everything is going good in your life how is that an opportunity to have a relationship with your creator he's lasting on your mind so what Hashem does he takes that away from you just for a bit in order for you to be able to turn your Mazel around to bring it back and there's many methods and ways to do it now's not the time to discuss that but at the end of the day when you're going through dark time remember light can only come through cracks light doesn't come when everything is sealed when you have a broken heart when you're you're when your heart is cracked that's when the light comes in but you have to allow the light in to block it and to make yourself a victim and and trying to get into someone else's lane or trying to you know deny what you're going through or or shifting it on others you know projecting it that's not going to get you far by accepting it and being thankful for it and then developing tools to work with it the vessels to work with it then you have now a real relationship to create a relationship where you have trust in your creator a relationship where you have beta Khan and moon on your creator where where you have faith in your creator a relationship where you know that whatever's happening to you is as much as we want to do for our children Hashem wants to do so much more for us you know we want to give our kids everything because that's the nature for a father hashem's will is much greater than that right to do for us we just have to make it active and the way to activate it is by being thankful and accepting and knowing that what you're going through You Should Be Dancing because the greatest thing that could be happening to you because right now through the cleansing process you are creating vessels to be able to have tolerance and have a receptacle to be able to get all that bracha in there and that only comes through pain it's never going to come when you're you know living in Switzerland in the Bahamas you know or in the bottom of Switzerland produces zero for the world except Rolexes which people get ripped off on in good chocolate which people gain weight on other than that they did nothing for the world you would think that country will produce everything because they have all the resources they you go to Switzerland the country shuts down one o'clock till four four four or five o'clock the trisses are down you know everyone's going to sleep with their wives the government pays all your bills the best life in the world right you go to Israel a press country you would think that they would produce zero to the world because they're busy always being in survival mode no you can only bring out the best when you're in struggle when you're no struggle in your life you're nothing and that's really the curse which Hashem gave the nahash think about it the serpent his curse was and he was responsible for all of them his quest was you lose your taste buds and you lose your arm in the legs and you have food all time at your disposal the Earth of the ground that's the best curse in the world hey everything he eats tastes like steaks right because he doesn't know what it tastes like you know so I use no tastes and what he's missing out damn that steak what do you know anything better right and he has he has nothing to struggle for he doesn't have to lift a fork it's all coming to him no that's hashem's way of saying I don't want to have any relationship with you no relationship you know you're gonna have the best life in the world but other sweat of your brow and ahava which you bet it's through pain you'll you'll you'll be able to bring forth you know children to the world that is a curse but through that curse is a bracha if you turn it around and they're turning around the way to do that the first ingredient is being thankful giving Hashem Shira and giving Hashem praise giving Hashem you know submitting to your creator and and being thankful to creative for your situation right now will bring you the greatest Life Light ever which you can experience it's working for me and and it's working for me and I did nothing to deserve it it's not like I did some great thing in my life I dealt with my situation Hashem sent something my way and instead of being angry and upset and being and moping and living like a victim I I chose to work hard and and and become a hero because of it as opposed to becoming a zero or a nobody you know and live my whole life like a schnar saying oh give me because I can't produce I can't do anything you know living like you know with being entitled I'm entitled to anything and you know if Hashem gave this to you it's because he wants you to work and when you work you will see results it worked for me it could work for anyone that's the bottom line you know and that and that's my message you know to uh to anyone who's going through a personal struggle remember that that struggle you know you're caught up in a bad relationship you know you're married and there's toxicity around turn it around pray to Hashem pray that Hashem to give you the vessels to be able to deal with your spouse a mad thing is if the person's a narcissist the person's abusing you if you're going through something emotional of course seek help sometimes submits it to get out of such a relationship you know but my point is don't make yourself the victim on the contrary find where you can grow from this find where you can develop vessels to get closer to your creator you look for that Hashem will put it out there for you you just have to go for find it and search it it's there you just have to on on unwrap it and unpackage it that's my advice to everyone who's going through a personal struggle that's that that's it so I always say this it's not just going through life but growing through life taking whatever you're doing to grow and uh don't live bitter but live better you know right bitter things unfortunately happen in life Darkness happens but we have to try to choose a bitter is better if you can take bitter and bitter is there for you to make it better you know um hardships exactly that what makes a person feel better oh I'm unlucky oh I have no parano so it's a terrible ordeal I I went through it you know um I I oh I'm unlucky my child's dead you know that's bitter because super bitter it doesn't get more better than that but I look at it as better right now you know my life is better because of it I was able to think that bitterness and add a lot of sugar to it and and make it the sweetest thing ever do I miss my daughter tremendously I think about every day I talk about her in public you know I'm no shame I don't have any you know I no filter when it comes to talking about that because if it gives someone who's like why not but in the end of the day for a fact many families that went through difficulties the rabbi did go to the families that's the only way because that's all you've been there done that it's similar everywhere since that's all he's had many challenges and he says these challenge were the best things for me in a while because now you could deliver I've been there done that and now I can give it over to somebody else and that's how I look at at least my situation right now I'm healthy I want to use that to be able to do as much as possible I might you know time which which Hashem gives me to be able to help you know people people are in need amazing what an inspiration given to me and definitely to the whole world uh everyone watching and listening to this Rabbi we have a minaga customer tour talks one final message they could give to all of us know that your creator loves you and your creator wants to do only good for you he has no intention to do any harm to you whatsoever and change the way you look at things Joseph was thrown in a dungeon this week's part he's asking people why they look sad he's Butler yeah what exactly I mean we're not playing poker here you know we're in jail we'll never see daylight again like what exactly we supposed to be thrilled about like we have today yeah and it's not jails we have today you know you get visitation rights and Parole and you are a lawyer you have the right to remain silent don't write nothing you you're you're in off Loretto and he's and he's how do you explain that Yosef looked at his dreams as a reality one day the world will bow down to me and he did not move from that a millimeter and because he believed in that and because he knew that's going to come to fruition he focused on the price did not focus on the ordeal he focused on the ball if you play basketball now for three four hours play You're dribbling you're breaking your legs arms no problem you're getting back in there with a cast whatever you can't wait to get back in there by playing basketball shooting but if I come to you and say wow you guys are doing this for three hours give me the ball for a second do the same thing continue doing the same thing you're not gonna be able to do it more than a minute dribble do everything you do without a ball this time and I'm your coach I'm watching you how long do you do it for not even a minute maybe three minutes the most I often puffy need water Gatorade what happened three a minute ago you're playing for three hours I took the ball away and now you can't play at all the answer is because when you're playing with the ball and you're doing following all the rules of basketball you're not focusing on the fact that you're exerting yourself you're not focused on the fact that you're hurting yourself not focusing on the fact that you're out of breath and that you need a drink you're focusing on the ball and that is the game that is The Game of Life you know if we're gonna focus on all are shortcomings and our misfortunes and or oh look at my life and this and that we're going to get nowhere yossi focused on the ball I'm gonna be king one day wow and that's because I had the dream and I know that's gonna happen and there's a message for someone who's in a bad marriage if you're about to get divorced you're looking to get divorced and that's what you should be doing right and the rabbi tells you that consider yourself divorced consider yourself living and ready day after all right you can see yourself and then you you create a block where you don't let any toxicity get inside of you that is our job as humans is to create walls around us that don't allow any toxicity from society from negative people from negative attitude that you have inside your soul you can create that barrier you're set for life amazing thank you thank you every single Tuesday night because October special guest 8 30 PM Eastern Standard Time shout out to Tony time for hosting this along with all the other platforms and podcasts and the entire exact theme and and Izzy and mayor and everyone involved really appreciate it shout out to daily giving a dollar day goes very far away big shout out to Arabia thanks again I appreciate it thank you