CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #71: Rabbi Shaya Cohen - Reaching Our Children

Tuesday night program with special guests tonight we have with us a very special guest with Cheyenne Cohen Street Arabic Khan welcome how you doing thank you alaikum it's an honor and a pleasure honor and pleasure of all ours uh so Rabbi shaikon is No guest to the khazak world we've had the rabbi in the past I actually remember uh one of the powerful speeches that the rabbi Gave Over uh learning program that we had about the sweetness of Torah learning and how there's four scientific studies that are compared one is a Learning Partner one is uh learning for someone higher than you are the robbery remembers this but I remembered and I've given it over in the past thank you I'm happy to hear that yes and I've had cousins in the rabbis Yeshiva but before we get to tonight's topic which is reaching our children with a passion and Lasting commitment to Judaism to you this guy Bobby if you give our listeners that might not be aware of the great work that the rabbis and while well I can't claim great work I could claim a lot of effort um I've in the world of Jewish Education probably for close to well well over 40 years wow so I have a lot of experience and I've learned a lot uh more from my mistakes than anything else but I've learned a lot from the people that I interacted with and the problems that I faced I started Yeshiva in the San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles many years ago and there were Hashem the community today is thriving it's the most beautiful Jewish religious community uh and then I moved to New York and we started the Yeshiva and priority one priority one is a the concept was that there are a lot of problems in Jewish Education and we want to address the problems that are not being addressed to address the problems that everyone addresses okay you know just just another another one but and we really from time to time we've moved moved as the problems have Arisen if the problems have become acute and became more aware and we've dealt with many dealing with with Children at Risk people who went off from Judaism drifted um as Outreach strengthening the the Jewish educational system and of recent the most um most of our uh Priority One efforts besides the Yeshiva and the coal and we also have a branch of Aisha soil in Israel but besides that the the effort has been on what we call educating and training the Educators we come to realize that um if there are problems you not only want to intervene you want to prevent the problems and we if with our vast experience of all kinds of problems we've come to realize there are certain basic ingredients that are necessary that if we Implement them we can prevent many of the problems rather than just be scratching our heads and trying to figure out how to intervene with it later on so that's basically what we're involved in today amazing continued our tougher success to the rabbit and and the great work because I could attest to the great work uh the Rabbi says effort uh so as was mentioned tonight's topic is reaching our children with a passion and Lasting commitment to Judaism to yirushkites so uh Rabbi Cohen on occasion parents might feel that they are reaching their children but in actuality they aren't on the same page uh as their Kinder as their children uh what tips can you give to parents to ensure that they're connecting to their children especially for today's special generation they were living in okay we are definitely living in a special generation that's a nice way of putting it uh we're living really in a very challenging and challenged generation uh The Temptations the challenges the confusions um you know the society falling apart under our feet I mean so many things are going on that uh that really is a confusion time but I would say that a couple of points in terms of really connecting with our children number one probably the most important thing that we could do uh say no the three most important things that we could do is when our children are talking listen and listen we have a tendency as parents as teachers as human beings to want to talk and somebody says something and we want to respond immediately but with our children if we really want to get their trust if we really want to have a connection with them there has to be listening we have to listen far more than we talk we will guide them and influence them and prevent problems in their lives and Forge the greatest relationship with them if they know that we have a listening ear and a listening heart empathetic listening not sympathy or you feel so sorry for you no no no empathy we feel your problem we feel your challenges we understand it we're with you we're constantly interested in you know we're so busy we have so many so many responsibilities and both parents are usually working and and the children need time little children need a lot of time and big children eat a lot of time we have to work on that relationship also that relationship has to be positive criticism is devastating the rabbis tell us it's actually a Rashi uh in the in the in the parachute that we read a few weeks ago says that um yaakovino uh Jacob Our Father who um his son ruvane had done something which was considered inappropriate and when he was on his deathbed then Jacob says to Ruben he says I'm going to tell you or almost apologize to you why I didn't reprimand you earlier because I was afraid if I would reprimand you earlier you would leave me and join forces with my brother Asaf ASAP was the most wicked of wicked people and yaakov was afraid that his righteous son rouvet the tadiq would would leave if he gave him a reprimand not on his deathbed when it's easier I'm not going to see you anymore it's the last will and testament he was afraid he would lead him to join forces with the ultimate Evil criticism is very very devastating and dangerous some people even have a formula they say there should be x amount of compliments before there's a criticism I say we should never criticize the person never ever we can point out that the action or the word or what was said is inappropriate but even when we point that out it should not be at the moment that it happens because then a person is not receptive it should be later on in a casual conversation I advise parents the best things to go out to dinner with your lunch with your kids and over seems over a nice a nice dinner or a nice lunch seems there's great receptivity and and and and it's it's positive talk it's yes pointing out a mistake but it's almost a mistake academically irrelevant to the child the child feels I'm not threatened by it I'm not being looked down upon because of it uh we had an academic discussion that my parents told me that this is wrong it's as if I didn't do it if someone else did I'm just educating you and this is extremely important I think in keeping that relationship going and it needs a lot of positive reinforcement do you know uh in my generation we felt that our parents lived for us that's the feeling I had today what I hear from most youth is I wish my parents would let me live now we have to realize that they don't take our love for granted they're not sure how much their parents love them especially since the parents are mostly too busy to pay too much attention to them sometimes so mainly we have to let them know how much we love them they have to tell them and we have to show them show them by being there for them don't miss any of their Milestones or their important opportunities or an important ball game or whatever it is that they may be doing take their life which to us looks like child play as serious as it is to them you know it's classy with little children building something with a Lego and you you tell them you got to come right now and you've got I'm building the Empire State Building I'm doing the most important thing I'm a I'm I what do you tell me about come take a bath no we have to have that and there's something else that we need strangely enough as strange as it sounds everybody knows the Torah says honor your mother and your as your father and your mother but what we don't know is that we as parents also have to respect our children if we don't respect our children we will lose the influence on them respect means respect their time respect their place their space their feelings their attitudes we have to show that respect because what happens when you show respect is you'll validate them they feel good about themselves and feeling good about oneself is the definition of happiness in the lotion coalition holy tongue one of the highest levels of the word happiness for happiness is oh share it's spelled with Allen's and the in the lotion kodish in the the language of our Tanakh is when the three is a three-letter root in a word it always puts a certain meaning into the word and the word oh share that Alex the the Assad of that word the basis is um is sure validation validation is the definition of Happiness when I feel good about myself I'm happy and when my parents make me feel good about myself with showing their love which by the way is not as powerful as respect because you show them ah you're pre-programmed it's genetic the love of a parent to a child but this you respect me you respect my opinion you you respect my time you respect my space means somebody's got to respect their messy room as well you know that's their room it's their prerogative you know and their time at tip you must do this right now would you like to do this now would you like to do it in 10 minutes later when it's more convenient for you whatever we do to show respect we validate them they feel good and when I become the source of my child's happiness I have great influence it forges a tremendous relationship and I'm in a position of influence they want to maintain that relationship because that relationships make that relationship makes them happy in fact I'll tell you more than that the reason that relationships with peers sometimes take over the relationship with parents and parents even feel jealous sometimes with the friends they're all talking everything with the parents they don't even want to talk it's because the friends have an acceptance their friends are not judgmental the friends respect each other's uh ideas and and right to be an individual and right to be different and and parents if we don't show that if we don't have that respect for them uh if if we if we don't have that non-judgmental attitude that we're not making them feel good about themselves and we become not only the source of their happy not only not the source of the happiness we become the source of it unhappiness and that's the worst thing to uh interfere the most powerful interference in a relationship wow just to clarify no such thing as criticizing your child well let's let's understand your child for sure in other words I never say you're bad I say what you did was not appropriate and even that I shouldn't say at the time when he does it because they're not very receptive at the moment of of of of you know when they did this thing later casually in a conversation almost as if talking about somebody else just discuss that but they get the message won't be offensive but it'll be successful in communication powerful powerful amazing gravity love it amazing so the question is uh how can parents give over a passion for Torah to the Next Generation to their children okay um I I when when I when I uh when you ask that question I think of an incident that took place many years ago when my children were very young we used to get visit a certain roshishiva a certain Rabbi who was the the head of the Nevada Yeshiva and Borough Park Rabbi to visit him and my kids one time I remember for sure asked them they want a brochure you should give them a blessing that they should be able to to to learn to succeed at their Total Learning so your children asked the rabbi to give them such a brochure so the rabbi turns to me in Yiddish my children didn't understand Yiddish I don't think and he says if you want them if they want to be successful in learning they have to see the father learn now I don't know if he was insinuating that I wasn't doing my my share but that's it if if we want to give over passion they have to see it in us if we're passionate about our learning if we're passionate about our business about during to keeping the Commandments and doing what's right according to Aloha going to Jewish law then they see that and when we do it um with apathy they learn empathy when we do it with passion then we are modeling passion for them and that can have a very powerful effect however you have to know your child because if you show too much passion they can get overwhelmed so you have to be careful in other words they have to see that you're passionate yet you're willing to come down to their level and bring them up to your passion rather than expected of them uh instantaneously because then it becomes too much it becomes too much pressure pressure is not a very healthy thing everybody knows that the vast majority of death that takes place on this planet is because of pressure people are distressed and pressure you know it's not healthy in religious um influence either so but but you want it you wanna have that passion and share that passion with them also in order to have passion they have to understand the importance of what they're doing they have to understand the benefits of what they're doing how it's going to help them how it's going to make them happier how it's going to give them a better life when we can show the benefits and we can explain what they're doing many people don't feel passionate because they feel they're doing going through the motions they're just doing actions they're doing things they don't know what they're doing and why they're doing it and how it's supposed to influence them how it influences them and therefore you can't really feel so excited nobody gets excited about just doing actions if those actions have meaning if I understand what I'm accomplishing if I realize how I'm refining my character every time I do a Mitzvah if I realize how much I get closer to Hashem every time that's where passion comes from because I'm doing something it's meaningful and I would also say a connection to Hashem to God is critical critical critical critical we take that for granted in the religious community we don't speak enough about that we don't show enough about our connection because we take it for granted of course I I study and I do all the midst suicide do what I'm supposed to do and I I go to Schuler yeah but what are you doing and unfortunately many people don't even think about what they're doing and we have to constantly bring God back into the um into into the game I often tell just yesterday I spoke for a group of young men Yeshiva Boys and I went like this in a whisper and told them hey guys there's a God in the world and it's like everybody knows that but we forget it it's not on our mind that's very dangerous I want to tell you a little story uh many years many years ago uh there was a group of teachers that were going to start a day school in Budapest Hungary and Budapest there hadn't been a Jewish days ago there for 40 years you know in the Communist school and about 20 years ago they were going to start a day school so supporting it and everything and I gave a session for them in Israel uh prior to their going so prior to my session someone spoke and he said listen God has been absent from Budapest for the last 40 years so please don't mention Hashem don't mention God and I I waited by two three minutes I couldn't have waited much more was ready to explode and I said I got up there and I said I must tell you something not only do I think you have to mention Hashem to mention God but you have to talk to them about having a positive relationship with him and one of the lady teachers there ask me what are you going to do if they laugh at you and I said you know I've been lecturing to secular not religious people say they don't believe in anything audiences for many many years about Hashem about God and no one ever laughed to the about relationship with God they don't left to the contrary they're jealous everybody wants a relationship with the boss everyone wants a relationship with the Creator everyone wants a relation with the controller this is it so we have to model and we have to inspire that relationship and that has to do with the way we pray we've done the way we put our trust in Hashem if things all of a sudden seem to be to such a challenge and it's a terrible thing happening and all of a sudden I get all bent out of shape you can see there's a God in the world he's in control and he loves you and he cares about you these are the things that if we can model in our home and talk about it the shop is stable and educate our children then we have we we have the best shot at at creating that lasting and passionate commitment to learning Torah and Judaism so the best way to give over passion of Torah and Judaism to our children is from within us that's right and it has to be with they have to know what they're doing you know so many people um was afraid he wrote a book about Bar Mitzvah present for his boy his son and he was afraid that and he explained each mitzely said tambito Ellis a reason and a benefit for everyone in the 613 Commandments and he said there was one he wasn't sure of he was afraid if he leaves it his son is going to think that the Torah is a closed book does what's the reason and he's afraid he's gonna just leave Judaism completely and never to come back now this was 500 years ago his father was a great a giant of a rabbi and and the particular missile wasn't even relevant because there was no based on me because we were in Israel at the time so it wasn't even something he had to do every day but he and he told him a reason and a benefit for all the other 612 Commandments it was afraid if he left one out I don't know the tourism it's hidden it doesn't make sense to me no all of it makes sense it's all for my benefit I'm not doing Hashem any favors he doesn't need any servants when we talk about serving God we're talking about serving him for our benefit that's why it was because that service brings us close to him when we study his Torah what we learn is when we perform his Commandments is mitzvos and we become close to him and that connection is something that's Everlasting amazing amazing rabbit Cheyenne Cohen your valedict as they say English so Rabbi how can we make sure that the lessons that we're giving over to our children that they don't last a few hours a few days a few months which will last for a lifetime forever make sure that you know even when the parents are not around but these lessons that we give over to them has an effect on them okay so first of all a lesson is most effective when it's reflected by other people not just one individual when everybody you know if they say if a 10 000 soldiers will march on a bridge in in sync instead the bridge will shake there's such a thing is called resonance there's what everybody's going the same direction so first of all both parents have to be on the same page very very critical secondly we should choose schools for our children that are also on that page so they're giving them that type of spirit that inspiration and passion and and feeling and understanding and appreciation that uh that we want our children to have uh and the more that we can expose them to like-minded people friends that have this feeling mentors all the people that are mentors that they could spend time with them you know a young man a young woman is a girl teenagers are very flattered when somebody a few years older goes out spends time with them does something with them takes an interest in them and and that way they see other people who are accomplished and who they look up to and these people also have this this passion and this commitment so the more they see it the the more that we can we can we can be sure that they will continue um it's it's it's very important that we recognize that the goal of Jewish Education is long term Rashi defines the process and the positive he says means education but he says it's the beginning of the entry to a way of life that the individual is destined to maintain which means teaching our children raising our children has to be a long-term goal we have to keep our eye on the future very often we do things because we want to win in the present like there's a religious battle going on and I'm afraid to lose the battle sometimes you have to lose a battle in order to win the war and means look at the end result I want to see not how my child is going to be now today tomorrow or 10 years 20 years 30 years all the way down and when we do that we make different considerations we Overlook certain things we understand certain things we we deal differently with each child and these are part of the things that can make sure that it's going to be a local if we're focused on long term it's going to be much much uh much better for them also I think that we should be an influence on our children's teachers and schools to be going in the same path to make sure that they give them the same type of passion and excitement and and and and and of the whole educational system because then they're getting it from everybody and and it should be pleasant it should be good it should be respectful and loving and meaningful and connecting them to Hashem when that happens I think we have a good shot at having our children and also the relationship you know sometimes um parents are very um let's say they want to educate their children about fiscal responsibility and unfortunately there's a trade-off there's going to be fiscal responsibility but there's going to be anger at the religious uh lifestyle of my parents you know my parents and that they're very tight they're very cheap they don't give me money you don't want that it's so imperative to keep that connection lasting forever that our connection with them lasts forever when they get older when they get married after they're married with their children with the grandchildren constantly involved so when we keep that as passionate and loving and caring and respectful then we have the best shot that keep even going that way great kids a great inspiration 100 true and uh we were enjoying every single word of the tonight's tour talking to Rabbi Shaya Cohen and we have a custom of a final message one final uh you know grand slam the rabbi's been giving us a lot of beautiful gems uh for our broad audience well I'll tell you if I have one final message I would say um that it's very important for parents and I believe for teachers and principals as well to be constantly involved in improving themselves as parents and as teachers we're constantly learning we're constantly learning and so even in in in in in a tablet is called he's a student of the he's The Perennial student he's always learning and we have to learn constantly his parents if there are good books to read about parenting we should make sure to get them if there are courses that could be given about parenting we should make sure we should see to it that the schools that our children attend also make sure that the teachers the rebellion and the motors have special training in reaching the kids with this passionate uh and Lasting commitment to English guide so I think the more that we we work on ourselves in terms of our own development religiously and in terms of our parenting skills and insights and it's an ongoing thing we have to constantly and by the way it's not just learning new information it's reviewing the information because when push comes to shove it's very difficult I want to close with a little story that happened to me with one of my children I came home after a long day and there was something in the mail and I opened it up and I started to read and one of the kids young little kid is tugging on my shoulder a terrible thing happened in school today and as I'm reading the thing I say oh I'm so happy to hear that the other kids say why don't you listen you know he said a terrible thing happens okay a few minutes later I'm still reading this very important document and another kid talks at my thing and says a great thing happened in school today well I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice twice so I said oh I feel so bad for you pay attention pay attention we need that and then one closing remark guy it's hard for me to close I apologize um uh one of my you know I give a lot of these kinds of talks and uh one of my children at one point wasn't so happy with the way I was dealing with one of his situations so he says to me as follows how is it that if Mr so-and-so would call you about this very issue you'd know exactly what to tell him but for your own kid you can't get it right and I think that's so profound because we have to realize we love our children we're blinded by that love we can't always think of what's the best thing the right thing and the long lasting thing and the most beneficial thing and we my kid so if we learn that we have to work on ourselves constantly to be able to learn more and to be able to be in more in control of ourselves and we're able to access all of the information that we know when the blinders are there because this is my child and the emotions are there because I don't want my child to be doing anything inappropriately I think that would be maybe the most uh positive thing that we could do to maintain a true relationship with our children and to prevent so many of the tragic problems that we find ourselves faced with today for those inspiring messages and remarks very very powerful we shall take these messages to Heart magician we shall all have with God's how we shall have a easy time raising our beautiful children in the way let's let's not be an easy time we're not gonna have let's just have the success of them going in the proper way okay it wasn't meant to be easy no it wasn't meant to be easy sorry I can't that much we don't have a precedent for that sorry but it should be easier and to be easier privileged to see them go in the right path foreign programs that he arranges for the hazak organizations and we want to remind everyone this is the season called code you know transferring kids from public schools to Yeshiva because that is close to the 1300 Mark of transfers in the last five six years from Bible schools to Yeshiva family friends neighbors anybody that you know make sure to reach out to kazak shout out to Torah anytime for hosting us on their platform along with all the other platforms a shout out to you from cmiyomi for helping arrange with Cheyenne Cohen's uh being part of the Torah talks and uh last but not least a shout out to our friends at dailygiving.org the dollar day goes very very far away we encourage everyone to check that out as well we want to remind you every single Tuesday night 8 30 p.m Eastern Standard Time kazak Torah talks with special guests and uh thank you very much once again it was it was truly a pleasure as I said at the beginning my honor and my pleasure thank you guys okay