CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #59: Dr. David Lieberman - Real Relationships

welcome welcome and welcome to yet another edition of tour dogs Kazakh special Tuesday program with special guests tonight we have with us Dr David Leeman welcome doctor how you doing amazing thank you Rabbi what an honor it is to have Dr David all the way from Lakewood into our headquarters over here at queens and we're going to be talking about real relationships and uh you know every single Saturday night you have an amazing uh program with our very own Robbie aboff turn Master's shop is into during Saturday night and you talk about uh uh what was the topic every week we talk it covers a wide Gambit it can be from you know my kids taking out the garbage talking about relationships we cover a wide spectrum and uh it's great people send in questions yes so we take them and uh whatever the questions are that's where the topic is the feedback is amazing you should know we've got so much amazing feedback and people can't telling us how amazing it is and this is how the tour talks came to fruition actually really because we saw that during covert a lot of the rabbi speeches they were talking to the camera right and then the views were you know they're rocking they were going great but when there was a talk when there was talking back and forth conversation uh the numbers was tired and uh we started this Torah talk uh thanks to your vision okay so uh so tonight's topic will be real relationships but before we dab into tonight's topic we usually have the custom the asking our guests a little bit about your themselves but everybody knows about Dr Davis we were in the great work that he's involved with we're gonna ask you about your newest book I heard that it's coming out so that's really exciting yes Richard Sherman is coming out God willing August 16th it's called from random house uh actually from uh Road Dallas division of penguin random house and it's called mindvader mind reading yes mind reader you read minds well not in a psychic sense but what the book does do is it helps people to better understand what somebody may be thinking and feeling even the gauge their emotional health when they may not be so honest with other people even with themselves so the applications are runs are why Gambit in terms of therapy speaking with somebody I've been counseling right as a rabbi this comes up somebody's expressing how they're feeling but you're thinking do they really believe what they're saying or do they believe what they're saying but they're not being honest with me and certainly our relationships you know establish one's new relationships you're thinking of hiring somebody you want to fire somebody is this guy going to be dangerous in the workplace uh you know and doing a new relationship personal professional being able to gauge somebody's emotional health is just undeniably valuable being able to do it so quickly just based on how people use their language and their body language is just astounding that is amazing wow I can't get I can't wait to get a hold on to this book again August when it's coming August 16th you can pre-order It Whatever whatever books are sold nice you can visit the penguin Random House site at uh PR penguin randomprh.com mind reader pro.com mind reader okay Dr living That's so exciting this is in addition to all the other amazing books that I know that the doctor has put together over the years I remember we've had Dr Lee women by Zach events many many years and good stuff always amazing feedback thank you so let's jump into it you ready we're talking about real relationships and I want to give a shout out to Ravi again for putting all these questions together and I'm just you know I should say a messenger okay the steps are achieving relationship can be learned from the acronym for the word real which stands for R is real e is effort a is appreciation and the L is loyalty so under the category of real often one field it is better not to confront the certain issues because one might be afraid to have a necessary but uncomfortable conversation you know it's very uncomfortable to tell someone something that uh so why is it important to be honest about your feelings and sharing it in a relationship good questions great question so look every relationship requires the degree of authenticity right we all know people you know we are all those relationships We're The Superficial you know they're pretty much the you know the emotional equivalent to those air cases and you know there's this this is no real depth to it so if there's something that neither of you are discussing that elephant in the room it's always going to be there doesn't mean to discuss every dark secrets the contrary you know real relationship you know what to avoid at the same time though you know if you're holding on to resentment and frustration and that that anger that can just solidify over time it's going to injure the relationship it's not healthy at all but mistake people make sometimes is they just unload what it is they want to talk about at the wrong time you know something's on our mind made with our spouse or maybe with uh you know a friend and as soon as they come in we just pounce so you know how you express yourself is fundamentally much more valuable almost than what it is you say meaning is that you know if something's on your mind first wait 24 hours bring it up in a pleasant voice some people think they need to bring something up loud in order for the other person to hear but just psychologically we shut down so you bring it up for 24 hours wait 24 hours if you go away here's what happens I'm saying my parents when very young we would get upset and angry we wanted to do something and they would say count to 30. ah and we didn't feel like beating up the the siblings good that's very good very good because you're saying 24 hours what look it was certainly with people closest to us you want to count the 30. look I wrote a book called never get angry again I'm a savior I'm Gonna Save You 12.95 right now but okay is that you know certainly counting and and breathing and all those things calm us down physiologically so it's good in terms of you know not just expressing that torrent of anger and unleashing our emotions but when we talk about waiting 24 hours we mean is sometimes the entire conversation is unnecessary because In the Heat of the Moment our ego gets engaged we get very sort of animated very upset we've got that tunnel vision and by putting a little bit of time we realize not just or don't we need to express ourselves at all but it's really silly to have a bother in the first place again if you're still bothered by all means it's a protocol to follow but give yourself some time to see you know what did I really get upset because this person did something to me do they really care about me why was I so bothered by you have an honest conversation with yourself you find a lot of the anger dissipates but by all means if you're still bothered by something bring it up but non-judgmentally not accusatorly even blame yourself and express how you feel by the way just there's a lot to cover here but you stay away from your statements as soon as you become begin the conversation with somebody say you did this you did that it's going to be argumentative simply use I this is how I felt when this happened it's very hard for the person to get upset if you don't accuse them of doing anything wrong so stay away from the word you and just make it about I this is how I really suggest not to say I it's you this is an amazing what when you're talking about blame then let the eyes be for themselves right because if as soon as you start we know this is true in our online as soon as somebody starts with you did this you did that it's our knee-jerk reaction right defend ourselves okay the person somebody says you know what when this happened I just want to express that I was a little bit hurt I know that it wasn't did and then the person will want to help you feel better because they're not busy defending themselves amazing amazing so uh as a doctor is it true that time is the best medicine is that okay to say like with time things calm down right the expression of Time Heals all wounds um I'm not so sure if it's a healing style for all wounds but certainly in expressing our emotions having a little bit of perspective is undeniably healthy amazing amazing okay so now we're jumping to the letter e of real and uh under the category of effort so quite often we look towards others that they need to put in more effort into their relationships but not as often do we look internally that we need to put in more effort it's like in a marriage yeah be the best uh spouse yeah work on yourself to be the proper spouse as opposed to finding their responsibility so what correlation does uh effort in relationship have what's that connection I can't tell you how many people come to me with you know Sean bias and dealing with you know marital Harmony how many people come common with a long a laundry list of things that they want me to help their spouse to do to change and I said I see your list it's like some of these guys bring in a phone book size you know it's like just put your folder down you know and what is it that you can do in the marriage that can make it better it's like no no you don't understand I said I don't understand you've got a laundry lesson the only reason you're doing these things is because she's doing that he's like yeah yeah yeah stop okay I'll speak to her about what she's but tell me what it is that you already know you're doing that is upsetting your wife you already know you're doing that um is not making her happy things you could do that could make a difference and when you begin to focus on each person taking responsibility for what they can control you have a different quality relationship wow amazing power for True 100 you know whenever there's arguments and uh you know it reminds you of a famous joke of the rabbi that has a couple and uh the husband's like oh the wife did it and you see he's like you're right and then the wife's like oh the husband ain't even see him he's like you're right and the guy the helper the rapper is like I don't understand he's writing shisha he's like you're also right now everyone everyone's right but at the end of the day we have to work on ourselves and put the effort in ourselves and once we change ourselves and the whole world in essence will be changed like the famous thing that's true right and also even though when you change your interaction to somebody their behavior will change no doubt so in other words we underestimate the power that we have in a relationship we think we're stuck with somebody who is you know who is uh who is uh mean or or or act selfishly um or doesn't consider a feelings or disrespectful the power that we wield is enormous if we're able to just get our own ego out of the way and ask ourselves you know what can I do to be effective and that's really down to is my Rabbi I used to say you know you can either be right or you can be happy you know so you know it's not always about being right it's not always about getting your way it was what is the most effective thing here and if you're able to strategize a little bit move your ego out of the way you can I've seen relationships that go just do a complete 1A simply from one person deciding that they would take responsibility for what they can control amazing powerful true 100 so we're up to the letter A for appreciation the word real we as Jewish people were called which comes from the word of appreciation of things how does the attitude of gratitude curly you with maintaining strong and healthy relationships beautiful question so look fewer things are going to kill a relationship faster than a lack of appreciation right now uh you know sometimes we'll show more chorusito more gratitude to toe Booth collect than we will to our own spouse it's like oh thank you so much have a nice day y'all stay warm spouses you want to say what do you screaming right now we fail and you know this question actually came up uh recently in another interview View and the person says you know you've got these cases where someone may be running to do you know all these beautiful things outside the home but inside the home like they're ignoring their own family and unfortunately that happens more too often than we like to acknowledge but in part because you know we do something for the rest of the world and they don't stop with the appreciation the acknowledgment the plaques the awards at home it's just sort of like you know silent so I said you know if if you're we're able to just I do this a lot with Sean bias even with our own children just make a point of acknowledging one two three times a day something that somebody did that you appreciate I mean think about how different your day would be if the people you know in your sphere acknowledge your efforts one two three times a day which would just compound that out to how many times people are saying that's amazing I like the way you handle the kids by the way thanks for this I appreciate this and my kids know by the way you know I drop them off at school do I have to take carpool maybe yes maybe no it's irrelevant I I see I I value that thank you more than anything else and they know that because even though you know what I know that they appreciate it when we show our appreciation for somebody something that somebody did for us it completes the joy we know people who have a hard time acknowledging what somebody does have a hard time because that person actually Dr uh Dr Rabbi Ibraham toursky used to say yeah I used to say that um you know some people have a hard time showing gratitude because it acknowledges to them that they're missing something that they're not complete so they can't acknowledge something that somebody did for them so when you and a person expresses their appreciation it completes the joy we enjoy more we get from our spouse from our children from our friends when we say thank you it's almost selfish but certainly from a standpoint of relationships it's undeniably valuable so it's important to have an attitude of gratitude 100 that would be appreciated yeah and that's what the Jews are all about that's our name that's right and in Judaism look we can't hear the clap of Thunder walk out of the bathroom see an old friend smell a fly without making a bra without connecting to something larger without showing our appreciation for what it is that we're doing what is we're enjoying amazing amazing wow so inspiring Dr liver and you're great I love it so we're up to the letter L of real and that's loyalty one of the greatest signs every true friend is being there in good times and in difficult times wise loyalty most important why why is that in a relationship being able to count on somebody you know it's easy to be as they say a fair-weathered friend somebody sticks around when things are good but as soon as you know things get a little bit uncomfortable it's like you know hello hello where are you right right so you know somebody's able to be with us um and that we can count on there's a track record of of not going somewhere because something is difficult that's really the the glue of the relationship and that fundamentally comes from a relationship where we trust the other person we know that we can count on them we don't have to be something else we don't have to contort and twist who we are to accommodate you know some perception so they'll like us we can be authentic we can be honest we can be real um and they can with us as well bring us better emotional health amazing amazing you touched on this before we get to the to the you know final message that we always have on tour talks uh with regards to appreciation that we show more appreciation with tobles as opposed to people at home so yeah the famous thing you know has it kind of starts at home that's right so the question is as follows and I get this a lot from my colleagues uh that are involved with communal work yeah what's the balance between ah Community work yeah helping out the synagogue and these local Yeshiva school and uh you know right and and being there at home with the family and the kids why would you say that so I'm reminded of a conversation I had with somebody a lovely guy who is who is very obsessive and he kept on trying to correct me and say he was passionate he wasn't obsessed with his passion I said no obsessed because what's the difference I said here's the difference I said when you are a passionate about something everything else as a result gets lifted everything else comes more brightly colored the entire flavor of your life and relationships are enhanced by this passion when you're obsessed by something everything else is is at the expense of that and everything else Fades away and you lose perspective and you're hyper focused so too if you're able to you know to do kindness and and build and work with the community and your family is a part of that they're better off the cause of it they are Hands by it they take pleasure in it it is their opportunity to give as well then that's something that you can all put your energies into but if a person is giving you know to one person at the expense of someone else he's really not giving he's robbing that first person and then taking what's do them and give to somebody else so unless the family unless the home is full then you're not really giving you're robbing from your family and you're giving and and you're you're stealing from them and giving back to somebody else that's not your giving that's them giving without their consent they're being robbed so bring the man make them a part of the process allow for them to see also you know what they do and you know if if you're out sacrificing and working and you can go home and say by the way I know I wasn't here for dinner I wasn't there for this I want to let you know what we were able to accomplish but here's the key is ask for permission ahead of time and then say look I can go ahead and do this but here we have an opportunity to do that and by the way if they say no I'd rather you be at home than quite frankly be at home because that shows them that when they say go out that they are part of it powerful wow very inspiring very very great message uh we got to get that out to the world because this is always uh comes up a constant basis so with people that want to go out and do and make things happen quote-unquote yeah and it's on the expense of the family so Dr David and so many beautiful gems that we heard so far but one final message that we have in our Torah talks uh that you could leave our brother honey into it ah easy positivity you know what I'm saying not in a real estate location location relationships positive positive positive you know it's if focus on this on a positive in yourself in your world and others you live in a different quality life in different quality World your different quality relationships it is so easy to focus on the negative with the person's getting wrong but when you look for the positive you acknowledge the positive and you um you live in that positive space your entire world is transformed and which there are some people whose just nature it is maybe sometimes also environment they focus on the negative if you're able like I have like any Habit to switch that around spend more time looking for the positive in your kids and your spouse and your friends and yourself you live a different quality life amazing positivity I love that topic and it's 100 True person that's always happy that's positive to me that's it will always be successful but yeah you're in a good mood you're always gonna make uh great things happen Dr David what an honor it was to have you on the program we really appreciate all the insights we want to remind everyone about the newest book mind reader mind reader out August 16th from penguin Random House make sure to get it and uh it's a great gift I'm sure I'm gonna be getting in and getting it for family and friends as well and we want to remind everyone every single notation about Saturday night we have a very special uh uh program with Dr Dave Leeman Rabbi Goldwater turned Saturday night into monticia but we encourage them to tune into that and of course every single Tuesday night we have tour talks with special guests and we wanted to thank all those at Hazard Rahman the whole team because yeah everyone over here that makes this uh program happen and we want to remind you about our mission of helping get every single Jewish child to get given the Jewish Education whether it's with after school programs Sunday school programs teams division programs and of course I achieved replacement division which has already transferred over 1200 kids wow from public schools each year the last few years alone and growing Hashem if you have a family and friendly neighbor that needs help kazak is always ready willing and able and to dedicate future programs please reach out to the kazak organization as well thank you very much Dr Lieberman thank you very much