Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer - Relationships

I can't begin without you sir he came holding from a length of Georgia sorry I can't I never I'm sold I'm so flattered to travel every will have to Georgia just to hear me okay so I'm gonna retell a I mean I am now going to retell a story that I don't want to share but I feel it's important to share and that is that there was a there's a man that asked his wife he said how do you deal with my mood swings how do you always stay so calm even though I have all these outbursts of anger and I could really fly off the handle and yet you know it doesn't really affect you so she said what I do is every time you get angry I go to the bathroom and I clean the toilet he said that's so interesting he said that helps she says yes I use your toothbrush relationships have consequences now relationships let's be very candid here and very honest okay relationship means that there's gonna be a physical emotional and spiritual expenditure and if the relationship is successful it enriches and fulfills your life but the relationship is not successful it depletes drains you enter veyts you and destroys a big part of you and therefore I think it's very very important for us together to study the tools behind what makes a relationship successful what are the keys to a happy relationship and what makes or breaks our relationship so there are many dating websites that I'm sure some of you have visited you know if the raising hands I'm not going to ask you not gonna shame you but I don't know if it's like Cupid calm or love calm I'm not even mentioning the websites because I'm not interested in advertising nobody paid me to market anybody's website and therefore I'm not giving anybody free advertisement here so I'm not gonna mention the websites by the way if you want to know whether you should invest in these websites and start memberships you can speak to me privately and you'll know my personal view on them anybody want to know my cotillion so these websites they go ahead and they do extensive research and what they do is they use algorithms and meta-analysis to look for compatibility similarity and one more thing commonality the algorithms and the meta-analysis are there in order to take two human beings and show how either similar compatible or common they are and bring them together there's one formulas there's one great great error in the molting multi millions of dollars invested in these algorithms and meta-analysis of these websites and I'll tell you what the floor is what are they looking for - looking for things that show that we're alike that you and your potential spouse are alike so what does it mean to be alike think about it we are both means you and the person that you're looking for the prospective guy or gal that you're looking for so we are both blank blank blank you ready we are both loud or we are both quiet we are both stingy or we are both generous we are both Pleasant or we are both pests okay enough everybody we acknowledge or agree or admit to the fact that there are pests okay but the basic thing is that we are both something so we're both similar we're both compatible because we have similar types of something that's a and B is we both like fill in the blank we both like opera we both like baseball we both like sushi you can't be Jewish and not like sushi okay so that's like that's not even a question task everybody like so she didn't everyone like sushi okay we both like barbecues we both like the cinema we both like studying we both like chilling whatever it is we both like the assumption is is that if you are alike with someone else then there's more compatibility and you're gonna have a good relationship you know what there was research conducted 23,000 couples and the research showed with these 23 thousand couples that similarity accounted for the success in relationship you know what the percentage was point 5 percent less than 1% the fact that the couple had similar likes where interest was less than 1 percent that that relationship would be successful what do you think I'm crazy it's not me this is secular research why is that what's it about so there's a famous researcher st. famous professor and he did his research in the University of Washington and his name is John Gottman you may have read about him or read his books he his wife to research together and they actually have a laboratory in the University of Washington that's a very interesting laboratory it's called the love laboratory imagine like what they do is they shrink people and they put the people on a petri dish I'm gonna take the microscopes and look at the people no they don't do that do you think about a laboratory a love laboratory means that they get contestants or they get candidates to come into the laboratory and they watch them now there's nothing really intrusive or like it's not like voyeurism gough a bit like where they're spying on people or that they're looking at things that are inappropriate and decent you know or obscene not doing anything like that what they're doing is they're watching the couples how they interact how they interrelate how they get along and based on this research dr. Gottman who by the way you'll never believe what his middle name is his middle name is fingerer no she's gay that's his middle name is his name is John Gottman but he's a middle name is John mortified Gottman and he uses his middle name very proudly he's a very proud Joule everybody's Jewish somehow everyone's Jewish oh no but John Murtha Gottman is one of the most preeminent and prestigious researchers on relationships and on marriages at last and he has a statistic that he could predict measureless 94% prediction rate if your marriage will last that's pretty good because a lot of people go into businesses all right whatever enterprise it is you want to be entrepreneur and you have like you're very industrious and you're very creative and innovative you want to start a business so somebody comes over to him somebody says you know let's start a business together and you're weary and apprehensive you're not paranoid well there may be somebody in the room a little paranoid which is not healthy like you're suspicious a little so you say like how do I know you like I'm gonna do a business with you a business venture I'm investing my money with you I have to like I have to certify you I have to know if you're credentialed I have to know you know what you're all about and you do research and you're frightened but maybe eventually you'll go into business with the person maybe marriage is far more borne than a business if the business fails usually people are not getting cancer from it or committing suicide I mean you know what happens in business fails when a marriage fails that affects people psychosomatically cycle meaning the mind and somatic meaning the body that actually causes people known this when people get sick and people feel like their lives are ruined or destroyed and yet there are people that will get married to other people that they would never do business deal with get to marry the person and if I told you that the business deal that you're going into has a 50% chance of failure by race means who would go into the business that off I told you the business has a 50% chance of failure who would go into it you would really go into it 50 okay all right listen okay some people some people are very you know like risk other people are more conservative yeah it wasn't I know I personally we're not going to business where they told me it's 50% chance of failure marriages today astronomical rise in divorce and today's society in today's culture more than 50% of marriages in secular world in Western Hemisphere and Western culture will end up in divorce so why would anybody wanna get married today now you're thinking I came to hear a rabbi dissuade me from getting married what kind of rabbis this was he doesn't make sense I'm not here to dissuade you discards from getting married ostrich egg often been what I'm here is to tell you that there is a formula for marriage and relationships that work better than anything because Barca Shemin million times the divorce rate in the religious community is nothing here what is in a secular community unfortunately it's rising because unfortunate is always a pattern that the religious people end up following the secular prototype and they emulate that whatever the reason because there's always that in road and incursion into the religious values that comes from the secular world as much as the religious people try to make themselves insular and protect themselves it doesn't always work but Bar Hashem the divorce rate in the Jewish community has plummets but it's it's far far less in the religious community and in the Jewish community in marriage and the family has always been the bedrock of civilization the reason for our success the reason why we perpetuate Judaism for thousands upon thousands of years probably like no other people we're able to preserve it is because it's centered around the family family values family morals the strength and vitality and the endurance and longevity and sustainability of the family there's nothing more important in the family that's why when the Jewish people getting out of Egypt through a vein of Ohio's essence and Mahalo says is that the first thing that they were instructed to do was municipal safe home to concentrate and focus on the family because it is a family that is our future without family we are gone so Jewish people have always put the greatest emphasis on building relationships on making marriages work and on having wholesome healthy happy models of family so John Gottman says that he got it all figured out he could predict you come to him you want to marry somebody and I think it's very as we say in Hebrew could die it's very very something that is makes a lot of sense why would you want to get into a relationship if 50% of marriages in Western now if you're very religious and you say that I'm only going to abide by a total type of marriage by Jewish type of marriage okay then you're setting yourself up for success but if you're not you're setting yourself up basically for failure one out of - chin well the chances we said or even more than that that it's gonna fail and if it fails it's not just like you lost some money you lost a part of you we said that unfulfilled relationship or a disastrous relationship is draining depleting and of aiding and disastrous destructive it destroys a part of you that will never ever heal but will never ever even if you find somebody else there's a part of you that is probably irreparable that almost can't be repaired so let's let's understand dr. Gottman and I think this is very very critical information this is critical information this critical information I know that you know you didn't pay admission to come here but this is this really should be a million dollar admission fee because this is information that could spare you agony frustration illness and can hopefully help you I'm not giving any guarantees I'm not the type the golfer didn't gives any guarantees but I'm telling you that I've done a lot of research and Brock scheme' I've had the experience as a rub to counsel a lot of people and I'm giving you advice from the heart but also not only from the heart but it's based on empirical authentic research of how you could have a better relationship and how you can better them with the help of Hashem find somebody that you can marry and have a wonderful healthy relation so what did John Gottman find dr. Gavin how did he get this ninety four percent litmus test you know what he saw he said couples that know how to relate to one another that communicate pleasantly nicely those are the people that will stay married simple as that what's going on here yeah as simple as that basically what he was saying is that it depends on how they relate to one another what kind of emotions they show so in Hebrew we have some of the quote with meat dog to vote me those tokens which which is roughly translated as good character traits but what does it really mean that's not what it means in order to me dole means me Delta etymology to shore --is-- the root of the adult is me done you know me that means me that means a measurement it's like you measuring the flour in order to bake cake there a spoon of sugar and three quarters of a spoon of oil that's where me dummies so what does it have to do with your character traits measurements and the answer is that every one of us has a certain measurement of certain emotions and it's how we express those emotions that allow us to interact it and to relate with others and this is precisely what will make or break our relationships what kind of me--don't what kind of measurements how we express our emotions that will guarantee whether we will be successful as spouses or very unsuccessful as spouses so for example a person who's prone to anger is not somebody who will make a good spouse a person who's arrogant and pompous t'k self-centered narcissistic will not make a good spouse I'm not saying that this person should be totally discounted if the person has a way to work on himself or herself by the way you know we're equal opportunity discriminators and offenders okay not you know because everybody conjures up them talking about somebody that's prone to anger you're thinking about the guys instead of thinking about the girls I met girls that are ballistic not here of course I've never seen a woman here that's it is a book I've met girls that have I don't know if they have too much Y chromosome in them like what's going on with them I'm not gonna you know but like I met girls that that's that really like they could get enraged you know like you ever see that green monster that's you know oh yeah I know girls that like stay far get out of here like what happened to you know some centered do you think all the guys could be self-centered their girls I see when we serve sushi that hog the whole sushi platter and the sushi platter is like 55 inch platter and like you see this girl take her chopsticks it even the whole platter that's that's so Center never here never here I'm talk about when I go elsewhere okay okay now there are guys that are so so so selfish that they cannot think about anybody else you know they'll pretend because they want some romance so they'll pretend you know in the last shovel you know with chivalry and they'll open the door for the girl but it's all show it's all facade because when it comes to the real relationship they'll slam the door on the girl make sure the fingers not getting stuck in the door you know I'm saying them there's terrible terrible there guys in a very very self-centered and all they think about is themselves their needs their impulses their instincts their wants and how did they can get gratification now they could get fulfillment how they could get their needs met they don't have accommodate others that's very very dangerous very scary so these are things that you have to stay very very far away from any type of temperament any type of emotion that's on an extreme there's no good if you have somebody who's overly generous and they say wow like you know I'm not thinking with that guy and every homeless guy we pass he just gives like a hundred dollar bill to something's a little weird then okay listen okay if you know if he's you know billionaire father how'd you get how'd you end up dating a billionaire girls you know that's pretty good and he's a billionaire okay maybe that's if he's not a billionaire and he's dropping $1 bills to everybody so either he's trying to overly impress you or he has this need it's almost like a flamboyant type of there's something something unsettling about him that he has if he's too altruistic too overly philanthropic you know there was a guy who was a renaissance history professor I think I forgot it was him not in Wharton was either in Penn State or UPenn I forgot which what which one is somewhere in Pennsylvania there and one of the you know I think was Ivy League so maybe then Penn State and he was sold so generous and so philanthropic that he went ahead and he donated one of his kidneys which is an amazing thing it's a very special thing to do to donate a kidney and then he went ahead he had a meeting with his wife after you recuperate and healed from donated Kenny says you know I saved a life he says to his wife I'd like to save another life she says well that's so noble of you she's how do you plan on saving another life you gonna go find somebody rounding and like you know get them what are you gonna go like to rehab or someone shooting up with heroin or something and like stop it cuz no no he says now have a second kidney as she looks and she says you don't better Europe professor he's brought its source but she was actually he was married to a to a shrink his wife was a psychiatrist so she's totally certified him as being insane and hadn't committed to you know to an insane asylum you know but that sense not good either to be overly overly generous so no extremes are good there's actually no it's very very dangerous so the bottom line is is that Daniel I'm sorry that John Gottman he has a certain formula and it's not based on similarities it's not based on what you have in common that makes for compatibility it's based on the emotions it's based on how they talk to one another how they communicate with one another how they treat another is their mutual respect that's what makes for relationship now I'm going to tell you something that is very controversial and may make you fall off your seat and get all upset at me but it's I'm not saying it's a famous researcher named was dating a while he said it and he said that choosing a spouse you ready for this okay choosing a spouse is choosing a set of problems doesn't sound right imagine you go to a wedding you see meet the car tonic all of the fussing and Kalla the bride and groom and you go over and say congratulations but remember she was thinking spouse is choosing a set of problems they look at you like what are you doing you really my wedding day you know but that's the truth choosing a spouse is choosing a set of problems what does that mean it's telling it's giving you a reality check you see no one is perfect if you think you're gonna marry somebody who never annoys you or who you'll never complain about that is fallacious it's false it doesn't exist whoever you marry there will be something you will find to complain about there'll be something that will annoy you because choosing a spouse is choosing a set of problems God made it that we are married people that are different than us aren't we married thank God a different gender but male and female are from different planets men are from Mars and women are from what's at Bloomingdales wrong metaphor Martha what what our problem Mother's Day from Venus okay right men are from different planets physiologically we're different we have different organs psychologically emotionally we're very very different and anybody who tries to equate man and woman it's a corruption and they're doing a disservice to humanity because it doesn't exist and unfortunately liberalism and feminism they paved the way for a lot of confusion tremendous amounts of confusion for people men and women are very very intrinsically innately ontologically intuitively inherently we are different there's a little boy a little boy supposed to play with a action doll and a little girl is supposed to play with a Barbie doll if the little girls playing as an extra dollar and the little boys playing the Barbie doll it's not healthy usually there are always exceptions but we are very very very different and because we're different Hashem said God said I don't want males marry males God said that that is immoral I all females marrying females I want male to marry female even though the difference because it different because the female has something to contribute the different dimensions to contribute to the male and the male has something to contribute a different dimension to the female and then they complement one another Co MP le M ent not complemented with the I although it's important for spouses always accompany one another to make each other feel good but they complement one other because each one gives something that the other one doesn't have and that's why God said that the male has to marry the female and another thing god forbade us from brothers marrying sisters now that would be the easiest thing to think about it they're very much alike they have the same background the same nurture and the same nature by the same genetic code and the same nurture that were brought up in the same house let me think about it even if you love somebody you want to marry that person they come from totally totally different backgrounds their mother and father are different than from your mother and father and therefore do you think that you know it's gonna be easy street there are so many things that subliminally subconsciously that we picked up from our parents that affect us later on in life even if you try to dichotomize and divorce yourself you know like in a certain way from your parents to say I'm a big person you know I'm never I'm not only my child the child of my parents on my own independent and entity that's not true you're fooling yourself for good or for bad your parents are your greatest teachers you could say you have a fake a teacher in this world I'm gonna tell you something that will resonate with you one day if it doesn't resonate with you today for good or for bad your parents are your greatest teachers and you pick up a lot from them and when you marry somebody else from a different family there's a lot of potential and compatibility because they have a certain type of mindset that they got from their parents and you have a certain type of mindset that you get from your parents and it doesn't always jive it doesn't always meld them fuse together so easily so therefore the simplest thing would be that God should say sibling should marry wanted to God allow that now we know that today that that's gross sense gruesome and it's incest and it's a terrible of a rose it it's an it's a violation but it's only violation because God said it is otherwise would be permitted and the reason why God forbade it is because God said I want to struggle I want two disparate and two distinguished two very very different entities to come together to amalgamate to fuse together we're 1+1 mathematically equals two but a marriage that's not what happens 1+1 defies marriage and this is tort also by their result in my role that 1 plus 1 does not equal 2 in a marriage 1 plus 1 becomes becomes 1 1 plus 1 equals 1 how does that happen and how it happens because the one is able this is very very key very critical is it carefully the one says to himself I am now good sacrifice I am now gonna compromise I am NOT going to view myself as a whole being I'm gonna make myself into what half and then the other one the female says I am NOT going to view myself as an independent entity I am gonna compromise I'm going to sacrifice I'm going to accommodate I'm gonna allow someone else in to my inner chamber to my most intimate inner recess my most private parts and I will now become half so in a marriage it's not one plus one equal e to its one plus one equal one because really that one becomes a half and the other one becomes a half and then it becomes one home and anybody that thinks that they will maintain themselves as a one and get married and have a successful marriage it will not work it's not possible to work so let's repeat with Daniel on set Danny and Wilde said that choosing a spouse is choosing a set of problems this could be differences and the question is how you intend on dealing with those differences once you're through an amazing story I don't know if I've ever shared it publicly there was once a very very wealthy Hasidic Jew living in barbar and he wanted to have a beautiful home and he was ready to paint the home to refurbish the house a little do some renovations part of that was painting so he got a very qualified painter to do the job the painter comes in and the painter is an african-american man and the seat of Jews says to african-american man he says sit down let's work on the contract together he says I want you to know one thing and he turns to African American the cedar tree looks at him and says I expect or if he said it really there's a Hasidic Jew he said I expect a perfect right said I expect a perfect job and the african-american said to him what's the same and he said I expect a perfect job and the african-american said look at the portrait that's behind you behind the facility man in his house in his dining room was a portrait of a great great great leader of the Jewish people whose name was rubbish LeMond Hamish Tom otherwise known as the bump of Rebbe the buffer Rebbe was one of my heroes my personal heroes he was a man that went through the Holocaust some say that he actually dressed up like the lufthansa like a Nazi and he lost most of his family if I'm not mistaken like 99% of the family the only ones that survived his wife his children they were all killed he was he and his son Naftali Chico were the only ones that survived the Nazis how did he do it they say that he was rendered invisible that's what they say yeah whether it's true or not they don't make up some stories about me of you that we became invisible right the fact that they even say such a story of Adam shows you his greatness and holiness when it came to America he could have been in shambles the devastation the calamity the catastrophe that he's study witnessed his entire world destroyed his parents his siblings his wife his kids everyone was was obliterated by the Nazis they were turned into lampshades and bars of soap in the Crematory and in the gas chambers yet he came here and they said we need a bubble we need the dynasty to continue they wanted him to be ready they trying to impress upon he was so humbly said I'm not gonna be ready I can't be ready but thank God they finally prevailed upon him which is a sign of greatness when you say no and he became the buffer Evan he rebuilt you look at most of our Park it's thousands upon thousands upon thousands of Jews there and most of them are his products imagine what he rebuilt amazing amazing amazing so let's go back to the story the seat of truth was telling the painter Ivana perfect job and the the black man the black painter he says you see that portrait there this is yes that's my temper he says the black guy says back he says now that's my rapper so what are you talking about the guy says how could he what do you mean it's my rather say that's your rather said you don't look like he's your rabbi he says listen I'm telling you he's my rabbi says well how do you explain that he's let me tell you a story and when I was first starting out of my painting career I got a really special job I was cold by the Velva revi to paint his house and when I came with his house he didn't sit me down with a country right away like you did you offer me breakfast and sat me down and served me breakfast bubb-rubb is a man that could have hated humanity look what humanity did to him his family they didn't here's a man of God he struck me breakfast and then he said to me is you know I want you to know one thing I hope you'll do a good job I don't expect the perfect job because there is no searching of perfection in this world since the temple in Jerusalem was destroyed that was perfection ever since the temple was destroyed there's no such thing as perfection all I expected you to try your best that's all please try your best the conceited guy was like stunned and the black painter said the caseta guy he ain't your ever if he was you Arriba you would ask me for profession he's my rep there's no such thing as perfection in this world remember that if you're looking for perfection you will never find it you should strive to be perfect and your relationships but never look for perfection from the spouse from the other person remember choosing a spouse is choosing a set of problems there will be something that will annoy you you know and Daniel while the researcher goes through this he says if you let's say you know you're going with your spouse out you know to a party and you all upset because she likes being loud at the party you're like more shy and timid alright you just can't stand it so then what's gonna happen you be able to set about your relationship so Daniel Wallace says no he says the fact is you should be grateful that she even went to the party because if you were married to someone else she would be so late there's a lot of ladies are darling did you know they have to put on their makeup and after they hear and everything by the time they're ready and the guys waiting the car the whole time he's honking the way honky way all right I'm the girls ready the party's over he goes to all these different illustrations to show that you think that your spouse is bad he says your spouse made it to the party someone else's spouse would never even make it to the party this isn't someone else's spouse won't even get dressed for the party and late for the party because she's still harboring an insult that she a perceived insult that she thought you insulted her the day before and therefore she's not even talking to you and he goes on and on and giving all these different examples okay I've said where he shows you that everything is always issues as always problems if you expect perfection in a relationship or you can expect that perfect person the way that and this has brought down the causal tell us the great robbers tell us is that the way God created people is that if somebody's very sweet and kind they're not going to be overly aggressive you can't expect to marry a girl let's see tolki two guys okay you can't expect to marry a girl who is a self-made millionaire and expect your also to be a very sweet and kind person that doesn't that's not in in the human mind if there's then there's pathways in the brain and the neurons that are always developing right if you want somebody who's who's super super attractive chances are that that person will be the chances are obviously a person could work on him or herself but if a person is very very attractive chances are that that person will be very materialistic and very vain that's how it works usually and that's why the Torah stresses them a fortune said that's why the total stress is when it comes to matriarchs that stresses the fact that they were super beautiful what's the tour of a beauty pageant book you know you know it's almost like incongruous so it's almost like a huge discrepancy the tower is a book of spirituality and yet it accentuates and it tells you how beautiful the woman of the Torah are and what it's doing is to tell you that although in the rest of the world the more beautiful the woman is more crass or vain or materialistic or physical she is and the Torah it was reverse the more beautiful they were the most spiritual they were which is usually inconsistent it's something that a person has to work on so if you're looking for a guy in the girls you're looking for a guy right and you want that guy to be cutthroat in business and competitive and he may be like in a relationship also you know you can't be cut for a competitive and also be like just like totally like ah everything's okay nothing will get to you and nothing will affect you it doesn't work like that it's just if you want somebody who's brilliant all right then usually person that's brilliant will be conceited and will be in a sense will become a little egotistical an egomaniac goal maybe so they understand that the way Hashem made us is that we are complement alized our brains we're complement alized and if you have one feature and may then diminish another feature you can't have everything in one person that's now how God created us and if you're looking for everything in one person you'll be very very very sad so you have to understand that you have to make a list of what's important to you this is very very concrete advice make a list of the things that are important to you and make a list of things that you will not budge on so what I call it in my practice is negotiables and non-negotiables okay negotiables so give me an example negotiables an example negotiables is that the guy has a preference for a taller girl but that's a negotiable if she wins him over in some other way he'll take a shorter girl that's negotiable he's not steadfast on the fact that she has to even if he's tall so she's a little shorter it's okay it's negotiable if everything else makes sense holy go show that okay the girls okay I want a guy with a PhD that's negotiable if he does have a PhD only has a master's degree or bachelor's degree but it has everything else that's negotiable okay you want a guy who's funny he doesn't have the best sense of humor but that's negotiable because he has everything else that's negotiable you have to make you almost negotiables of things that you say your are it's important to me it's something that attracts me but I'm willing to give up on it and then you have your non-negotiables what's a negotiable you want to have children the guy said it's my dad I'd rather have a dog when I lived in the head my wife and I I think we're the only ones that had children like everyone else had dogs you know we want to make up if you want to make a play date for your kid you know it's like it's woof-woof you know something even though it sounds like something something you know I'd say you have to teach another language you know somebody something's wrong there no something's very very wrong children that's non-negotiable if the guy says so I'm not interested I'll have five kids in five years I want to first make money that's that's that could be a non-negotiable where you have to just totally basically pushy if he's in the car you push the eject bolt usually he's driving the car and I don't know you know well you know if you believe in equal rights maybe the girl should drive the car and the girl should pay for the dates yeah I think and so you know all right maybe but push eject button and get him out of there because he's not a girl you haven't that's a non-negotiable he just told you doesn't want kids that's it's finished with okay what's another non-negotiable religious values religious values are very very important why they sell point so I want to explain something to you you could go on a date and you say wow we have so much in common you go home to your mother and you say mom I found the girl and she says really why well she's a vegan and I'm a vegan Wow oh no the guy the girl goes home and says mom I found the guy how do you know what we both want to save the dinosaurs from extinction I'm sorry that was ready you know there's no more dinosaurs love we both want to save the beavers from extinction of the possums no opossums from extinction we both loved opossums you know it's crazy thing but we want to say that though we're both into climate control that's not something that will keep you because these are fads this could be passe one day now this is something that you know you get into one day that doesn't keep a relationship and if it's not something I want out too much what keeps your relation with the glue that binds relationship is deep abiding values this research shows us not me talking you not to trust me this is research and I'm speaking because I care I don't want to see a broken relationship deep abiding values that you both cherish we both want to build a home that's wholesome we both want to build a home that's happy we both want to build a home that's Jewish and that will have eternal values we both want to build a total home there's got to be something that stuff's not between you two but something that's over arch something that is deeper than skin deep that keeps the two of you together then the relationship has a chance of lasting that's very very very important to consider so non-negotiable is if he says I don't believe in God for all now you know that's some day I mean I'm not telling you you have to have you all non-negotiable it's none of my business what you put down if you weren't an agnostic and you don't think that's you think upto negotiable or you know okay you know golfer hasta song you know I'm saying but there are crazy things out there and the good non-negotiable may be smoking I don't want a guy that smokes oh I don't want a girl that's done marijuana maybe that's non-negotiable so she's done that water you know maybe will affect you know her fertility who knows right I'm not saying that marijuana folks Rizzoli but maybe will affect to her memory which will forget our anniversary sometimes marijuana does affect memory okay you know okay they listen to our couples up goal they want to go to hook the bars together and smoke up together you know that makes them happy okay I don't know if that's the best dating book to I don't think it's good at all but anyhow I was just saying not a girl should build you know he's an alcoholic that's non-negotiable cross it out there's not something you may know mentally stable is you know okay we get it depending on the circumstance if you're a mentally unstable don't look for a mentally stable person this is her okay you have to be actually stable to look for mentally stable person assuming you're mentally stable if the person is mentally unstable that's a non-negotiable that's not something you can negotiate on so it means that if the person is mentally unstable you have to cross it off the list you have to see very very poor for you to do and I think that it's very important to consult with somebody that's wiser than you smarter than you more intelligent than you more seasoned than you more expert than you a sale of horeb make for yourself a mentor a guide a rub a rabbi that could argue because you are you have what's called Nagi's nagi's means that you are partial you can't be impartial about yourself you can't be objective you are so naturally subjective are gonna call of a thoughts of all a person cannot be objective about himself as a Gomorrah the Talmud says that therefore have somebody in your life a guide a mentor have a rabbi that you turn to and say what should be my negotiables what should be mine honor go to help me make this list five negotiables five non-negotiables if you do this I'm telling you if you do this in consult with somebody watching you and smarter than you and you realize that it's a deep abiding values that will be the glue for relationship you will probably mature much more and be ready for a relationship and get married because you're now prioritizing you're doing something to maximize your success and that's why I'm share with you a tremendous insight based on the Talmud the Talmud says make for yourself a mentor a Rob and then it says Canaille aha hover which literally means a choir for yourself buy for yourself a cover means a friend now when I saw this Mishnah and I've seen that so many times I have to tell you I couldn't fathom what it means what does it mean how could we probably tell you to borrow friend a friend is just like a transaction it sounds like it's trivialized a relationship it sounds like it's impugning the other person it sounds like it's someone's something no this is my best friend and I just paid him a thousand dollars to be my friends of the night but that's what friendship is all about come on once I give him a fortune say with the great total commentary say and just so profound and it's so true and it's so so so so so so brilliant you have to be willing if you won't have a good friend you have to be willing to invest in Tucanae means acquire means best intimately if you're not invested into the relationship you will not have a good friendship that's it doesn't mean to go ahead and pay off somebody could you please be my friend for the day you know there are people that need green cards and they would like you know could you be my spouse you know I'll pay this enough to money you know we're not really married but we're married you know actually met somebody recently and and she told me she's married and then the next time I met her she says she's not matter of those I'm sorry about the divorce she says what did we really weren't remarried I said Oh sounds like like a bill de blasio it was New York City type of thing you know like this new type of laws that have passed where you could choose your own gender on a versus a figure alright so now you could be married today not tomorrow but you really weren't married be alright she didn't know no we were just married for the green card okay interesting okay listen each everybody's got their own interesting the preferences no I'm Doris or advocate these types of things but Canaima whoever means casting willing to invest into a relationship not to buy the front but to invest in the friend to learn how to accommodate a friend and ultimately the best friend you should have in this world is a spouse a spouse is called Rayyan a Whovian which means beloved friends the spouse is supposed to be a best friend in this world you're supposed to have relation with your spouse that you have with no one else it's most intimate cherished exclusive and specialists should ever in the world and that's why by the way there's a big debate now about let's say should spouses share passwords alright if I have an email or if I have a cellphone password otherwise you locked out of my cell phone alright should spouses share the password or should be something that is restricted in private now one second it's not like a spouse it's not like a regular it's it's if it's it's not one plus one equals two it's half and half equals one it means you're the same person how can you have different passwords now obviously if a person had a breach of trust or personal relationship with a spouse it has an addiction I'm not talking about those types of relationships I'm at a normal healthy relationship what why are you afraid to give you password to spouse now the spouse shouldn't be you know this like really curious grimmer curiosity killed the cat okay never forget that where the spouse like I have to see what his mother told him you know and I have to see exactly you know yes that's not healthy either sounds either we're talking about a very very special relationship where your spouse is your best friend kanae low Huff over now listen to one more point and that is the good Talmud and Tinus tells us all along you hate a dumb kush know that a person should not be kasha Kara's stubborn or hard or obstinate like a cedar tree but you Lola you are dumb a person should always be rough soft pliant flexible accommodating like a reed or EE D means a reed goes with the wind it's flexible so here's an interpretation one of my most favorite interpretations ever you know what it means a kanay ha ha ha there it doesn't mean to acquire different the word kanay kufan hey there's the same letters as Connie which means a read means if you want to have a friend in life be like a reed be like a Connor be soft be pliable be flexible be accommodating don't be stiff net don't be stubborn and obstinate because he won't be successful if you want to have a good marriage you have to learn how to compromise how to accommodate that allow somebody else into your world into your life that is so so critical and so key now how important is my racing hands without comments please because this could get a little out of hand and this is not a TV talk show I just remove my notes I spilled water all over it I guess it spits forgets because my kids shouldn't see it no in case I'll leave it around the house it's not really for them how important is infatuation and relationship raising hands if you think infatuation is important come on you guys are just sorry like to to pristine here and pure and yeah ok so at least we have one person it's honest okay just kidding it ok ok so by Ray Bans how many people think effectuation is not important to relationship or a chance if you think it's not important ok ok so we could send you to Amish land and not just you know it's wonderful place so well afterwards after it so infatuation basically being head over heels right where you see the person and love at first sight does that work is that good for relationship well then forget I was involved in setting up a couple and they cold both called me up and they said it was the first date they said how did you know I thought wasn't sure but all right pretend that I said of course I know you know of course I'm the rabbi of course I know everything right I have my crystal ball and they're like they were both like totally infatuated and I was a little concerned they got married like within a matter of our short time I think was two days let no just not two days later whatever was you know but they're no longer married you know they were just two they were they were just - infatuated it wasn't healthy so infatuation is not necessarily the best thing why why isn't saturation optimistic now you'll say okay of course he's talking from a Jewish point of view he's talking as a rabbi and rabbis are supposed to discourage people from following their emotions or their passions or their impulses or their instincts because it could be animalistic and it's not spiritual it's not intellectual right that's the rabbit job it's not know there's nothing to do with rabbi this is actually research that was conducted as a guy if I'm not mistaken same with jonah lehrer older i wrote amazing books on marriage and relationships totally secular no nothing to with judaism but very very fascinating how he corroborates and basically sort of proves what judaism has been saying for thousands of years very very intriguing i'm not surprised why is it graduation dangerous so he shows that infatuation actually what he calls a love relationship a love relationship dissipates it doesn't stay because it's only as real as the infatuation so guess what he says you'll never believe it he says the relationships that stay are not there love relationships or the infatuation where a person gets like enraptured and the person is overly attracted and pumped up about the person and jumping on a couch talking about the person all right think about it how many hollywood relationships actually last very few those are all infatuation that's about attractiveness right we're the most attractive person is the person that you may be looking for and well the most exotic the person that wow this person is you know really exciting it's a good conversation piece but your spouse is not a conversation piece hey the spouse should not be a conversation piece your spouse is your spouse it's not a conversation piece so the researchers say and again this is not from a Jewish angle it's from a totally secular angle at the best marriages marriages that stand the chance of lasting are arranged marriages so that sounds like Neanderthals right it sounds like can all this ancient antiquated way you know it's like you're butch cos gonna go ahead and say hi I have a boy for you remember she was from my town this boy and you know and from the same town and his boobie in my boobie and were all you know related to one another thank you and in all of us you know you meet each other and basically you have like a few like you know what they called sit-ins you go to bub which was kitchen and she's making french toast or something or she's cooking some chicken soup and she says you love her you love her you know arranged marriages arranged marriages actually are the only marriages that statistically have the greatest success of working why why why is it so I'll tell you what research says because arranged marriages have a different expectation the expectation when you go into arranged marriage is I understand that I have to work on this that requires effort it's not just based I'm not saying that arranged marriages don't have to have chemistry of course you know even if about butch could thinks about the guy for you or this girl for you of course it's got to be some kind of some degree of chemistry we have to be physically and it's important even the Torah Torah this is the toe review it's all ourselves yeah you have to it has to be something it has to be some kind of no we not you know turned off by the person guff did you find the person attractive we find the person appealing is very important but the arranged marriage is a type of marriage where it's not out of lust it's not out of impulse it's out of sense it makes sense the arranged marriage you're taking two people that have a similar persuasion similar backgrounds okay even within the same background people are very very different and your parents may be very different than that person parents but there's a intent and the intent is that we are going to go ahead we know it's gonna be a struggle and that's why the blessing that we give it a wedding is you should be Zohar means you should merit what to be bona a by it naman to build a faithful house we need to build a failure you know architect or your in construction what do you mean to build a you're not our construction we're going to build a house it means that a house a faithful house a faithful marriage constantly requires building building building if you think it's not going to require building you're fooling yourself and it's self-defeating a good marriage means that the expectation has to be that we'll get a love will roll love will develop even further and that's life you look in the Torah the archetypical marriages the prototype marriages the foundation of us our ancestors our progenitors our antecedents who were they the patriarchs and matriarchs our votes animals our events are what happens when Sarah dies it says that Abraham was inconsolable he was inconsolable he was inconsolable did I ever say he loves her and never mentioned once he loves her never said he loved her and why we see someone canceled I was so grief-stricken he loved her obviously but doesn't mention the word love leave another example Isaac and Sarah you're talking I'm sorry Isaac and Rebecca you're talking to Rebecca and Rivka it says he took her he married her and then it says he loved her it doesn't say he loved her first the love develops and matures true love is about closeness devotion warmth and all that gets strengthens over time true love strengthens over time lust diminishes over time infatuation diminishes over time and therefore the relationship will implode it's going to happen it will break down true love is strengthened over time another example Jacob and Rachel Yaakov Morocco it says he saw her and he loved her but what does it say it right after she'll say oh that's infatuation but he saw her by the well for some reason back then they always met over the well so I think that's a great way to meet somebody just go to like to the water reservoir well go to the lake don't jump into the lake but like find your girl or find the guy by the lake okay something is something mystical something special about the world and he obviously was very symbolic and metaphorical about the well but she would say Oh Jacob right he destroys all theory because it says he saw her and he was overwhelmed because it says he loved her was immediately after that says he cried why is it crying it was a sobering realization he was crying because he was so so so affected emotionally by understanding what she will contribute to his life and what kind of destiny they have together so the love obviously wasn't a love of maturation it was a love that he realized that she is someone very very special and then he realized that they may not be buried together how many people when they're infatuated could think about being buried right till death do we part Judaism doesn't believe till death do we part at a secular marriage to say till death do we part shusun believes that were with each other for ever and ever in this life and the afterlife Judaism believes in the afterlife and believe that would be with each other forever and ever and that's what Yaakov was thinking the only relationships were it says that they loved each other and the Bible and the Torah were very dysfunctional and deviant relationships that ended up in terrible terrible terrible awful dismal circumstances you know who was Tina and Shem where it says that she was basically raped by him says he loved her and Tamar and I'm known we're children tomorrow was I'm known in Telugu a children of of King David and it says he loved her it was also was a rape that's what it says about love because I was infatuation infatuation doesn't end well I'm not saying that he won't be in fashion with somebody because you're human you may make mistakes but remember infatuation is not what you should be looking for you should be looking for chemistry attraction yes but that's not the priority the priority of the deep abiding values one last point before we conclude and that is I want to share with you something that I believe is very important and there's a big misconception about this and what I'm referring to as arguments in relation remember if choosing a spouse is choosing a set of problems it doesn't mean that that person is bad it doesn't mean that person is flawed and she's mean that that person is human and you have to stand how to deal with the issues okay so how many people think that when a couple argues it's heading for potentially divorce or that just raising it no comments how many people think that when a couple argues it's something bad and that they should go for a therapist and get help how many people think it's good okay Suburbans very interesting because I want to tell you a story that happened they say about the great rubber zalman Orville who was one of the greatest Giants of Judaism passed away if I'm not mistaken around 9:00 in the early 1990s but he was a legend most humble and kind brilliant great post sake of Judaism halakhah decipher Judaism so when his wife died he went to the funeral and it's traditional at a funeral when the dead person is there at the graveside were you asked forgiveness it's a little unfair because the person can't say no but you have a quorum of 10 men and you say please forgive me and what's the first containing all the person is dead the person starts talking we got problems right they say that hook oh that Huckleberry Finn I think that that he he staged his own funeral and want to see what people gonna say about him when he's laying there in the coffin you know because Gentiles they have a wake you can actually see the body and everything Judaism we don't you know really do that so he wants to see what people could say about him what they really thought about him see he pretend that he was that he died and they made the whole funeral he's laying there and they're eulogizing him saying oh he was this and he was that and he was this and he was that and all of a sudden pipes up and says you forgot to say how humble I was they say that there were different people that were you know saying that well what would you want to happen you know when you die so one guy says when I die I want there to be a really really I want my hearse to be a Jaguar you know another guy says when I die I want a thousand people to come to the funeral somebody else says when I die I want to make sure that my inheritance only goes to my kids and then the next guy said when I die I want people to say look he's moving Semyon so you know they say that how did we get into this zone oh yeah so Michelle Mazama what is Rebbetzin pesto his wife died she was very very holy woman also he said suicide no its traditional taste Mithila test forgiveness at a funeral at the Leviathans the funeral boy says but i don't have to ask me a few I don't have to ask forgiveness says we were married over 50 years and I never insulted her I never said a bad word to her serve I was like wow he married over 50 years you know if the s forgiveness I thought that was amazing so I actually it bothered me I was like is that a real relationship how are they angels maybe they're not human beings I'm telling you one thing I want to learn about real relationships now you know I'm a human I'm not an alien I told you now so I met his daughter and his daughter was actually married to the great rabbi yosef who passed away I think it was like 105 years old who was the next greatest rap lay the generation and went to oh boy a ship's house I was very very scared to go to his house because you're so slowly but I actually got into his house and I prayed with him and it was I saw his daughter outside I says Doris I want to ask you please a very very impolite and personal question she's probably thinking what is he gonna ask I said maybe a little intrusive but I have to know did your parents have a fight she won't go maybe I'm a psychologist maybe a lot I still said I just have to know because I heard the story and she says listen she says my parents argued like any normal couple but they never fought Shh what a distinction there are doing is healthy fighting is bad there aren't you see if a couple never argues to something wrong with a relationship and does not be talking for research John Gottman look up his research famous researcher the biggest expert I guess on relationships in marriage probably in the world and he says that when a couple doesn't argue then there's somebody that's stifling there's something that's being passive-aggressive there's someone that is not sharing information and there's not really healthy relationship there somebody's afraid to share and somebody's nothing honest and therefore it's not gonna last so are doing is okay the fighting is bad so you have to meet someone another forget my great mother I always you know repeat my parents thank God they told me a lot remember your parents are greatest teachers we could have a bed and I got a plus to have amazing parents and they helped a lot of people and gotcha plus and I should continue helping a lot of people I mean so not forget that a couple came to them and they were fighting and my mother said and they were thinking should they stay married downstream and my mother said you have to stay married it's what we argue so much she's but I love the way you argue argue that's healthy that's good so we learned a lot tonight I'm gonna ask you to please I know none of you I don't know if any of you took notes tonight but hopefully mentally you took notes and hopefully you are gonna incorporate what we learned into your lives and searching for the right spouse but there's so much so much information but I want to I want to conclude with this and if you have to review this it's gonna be online on tour anytime and so you can always refer back to tour anytime to take notes I want to conclude with a story it was a boy whose name was Herschel Herschel was a young man and he was ready to get married and when Herschel was ready to get married it was suggested to him an amazing girl whose father was a very wealthy man and he was a Scot budding scholar Herschel so he would get it like this handsome dowry that he'd be able to sit in study and prosper and studying and flourish in his studying I was a great arrangement so this happened with you know a few hundred years ago the story and he traveled to the girls hometown because the wedding is usually in the girls you know hometown he traveled there and the family the girls family put him up in a house next door to their house and I was a day before the wedding and Herschel was getting ready for his wedding he's shining his shoes he's you know she's adjusting his tie making sure that everything is and span he looks out the window and he sees he wasn't spying and he just happened to innocently look at the window and he sees his fiancee the girl that he's supposed to marry the next day he says she's standing by her window Elva she doesn't see him and there's a huge bowl of dull and the dough's rising and all of a sudden a bird comes and it was a chicken and it starts pecking on the dough and like ruling the dough and he sees the following sight she takes the bird Jozef and smashes it pummels it against the wall and he is aghast he's appalled says this is a girl been married what let's say if I misbehave what's good to me and he says like she's got a temper she's anger says that that's not a good Jewish girl that's not something I can build the wife with he says I have to get out remember the most important criterion for relationship is the attributes the traits that we told the me dose the measurements of how a person perceives things and how a person behaves and the emotions that the person shows is I have to get out of this relationship but if I cancel the off the arrangement she'll be a mitigating machine I can't do it to a nice Jewish girl oh no she's not so nice this is what I do and he thought about and thought about and he made a famous calculation and Herschel said instead of a shaming her better I'd be ashamed and let her keep her reputation the next morning he went into the synagogue he went into the shul and while he noticed that people were watching he pretended to steal money from the pushka from the charity box very discreetly was all a facade and ruse and he pocketed the money and somebody stolen some I said hey that guy's a team and they said like you know the Yiddish expressions are cops and which means like you know grab him get him he's a thief the thief and they grabbed him and he ran with the money and then they basically they attacked him they threw him down to the floor they tied him up and I said what was this guy he's new to town that guy is he's the big wealthy guy that's his new song was supposed to get married today and when the father will found out he said this of has cancelled and he says yes and any ran away and he ran away you ran away you ran away you so you know God never ever ever forgets those our saintly and those that give up for him to keep someone's reputation intact and not to ashame you Emily at someone and therefore God blessed him and he became one of the greatest round bars when the most famous rabbis in the world he was known as Robbie Herschel of Cracow Herschel Krakow who many many swaram was a great great scholar so I want to conclude with begging you for the bottom of my heart I've seen too many broken relationships in my counseling career so to speak as a Ralph is a Ravelry I'm not interested in it it's not good for anybody do you two divisions have the right priorities look for the right things embezzling with the help of our show should all be Zoltan to find the right spouses to build beautiful beautiful Torah homes with our main thank you all for listening thank you for coming so by the way just to just to let you know men old men are invited Thursday nights here at 8:45 we have sushi beer and we have a Torah class which is on Holi is a different subject very interesting and then for the girls we have 39 the King Cyrus observed PGX in college at 1601 Clinton Road we have although every Thursday night a little this week I think the RAB way that teaches is going away so he may not be there so but otherwise it's every single Thursday night at around 7:30 ish class for girls so everyone's welcome to enjoy and for the guys is a regular program every Sunday morning 9 o'clock we pray and then we have continental breakfast and in a class and everybody's welcome to it to attend that as well [Music] you [Music]