Rabbi Yisrael Yakubov - The Clarity Protocol for Singles

It's a big honor to be here. First of all, I want to say thank you very much to those who organized this event. organized this event. I tell you the truth, I had another class tonight in Canada. I needed to come here for 2 days, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. And they asked me to come for another day. I said, "I can't. I have another class in Canada." They told me it's singles. Now, when they tell me it's singles, for me it's first priority. Why? My rabbi told me, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov said, "Teach Torah to the nation. Spread the word of God to the young people because they actually going to continue the next generation. And since my rabbi told me that, I put all my effort to when I speak, to put in priority for singles, for young couples. I called the other the other people the other congregation that invited me and I said, "Listen, there is young people that want to hear some words of Torah, some direction, instructions for life, how to find your soulmate. Can I cancel the event?" Baruch Hashem, this guy said, "For that, you can." They canceled that and Baruch Hashem, here I am. And Uh I want to say to all for the organizer because what what you're doing here, what we are doing here, it's the biggest mitzvah in the Torah. The Torah says, you have to connect to God. Ma'u af ata. How do we connect to God? You connect to something when you are similar to that. When something is like you, you like it, right? When you go to a date, you're looking for someone that is uh like you. You don't want to have the opposite most of the times. Because it's very hard to live with someone that is not not the same not the same lifestyle. We're going to speak about it today. So, Hashem says, "If you want to be close to me, if you want to have a connection, you have to be like me." The Gemara says that God, Hashem, what does he do after creating the world? The Gemara says, "Yoshev u'mezaveg zivugim." He's doing matches, matchmaking. Not just between husband and a wife. Matchmaking is also let's say I want to do a mitzvah. I want to do a good thing. But I can't. Someone else in the other place other place in the world does the mitzvah, the same mitzvah that I want to do, but I can't. But he does the same thing, but he doesn't want. He's forced to do it. God takes his action and my will and make a match. And then both of us we have a mitzvah, a whole mitzvah. That's also called matchmaking. Matchmaking means connect two things together. That's what Hashem is doing since after creation of the world. So, when we are doing that, when we are dealing with matchmaking, when we are learning about how to get married the proper way, how to find our soulmates, we are basically being like God. So, we're doing the biggest mitzvah possible. And that's why this event is very, very important for me. And I want to say kol hakavod to those who organize it. And usually when something good is happening, there's yetzer hara. You know what's yetzer hara? Evil inclination. Different blocks. But baruch Hashem that we are here today. I want to say today few um few secrets from our sages, from Torah, from Kabbalah, from Chassidut to give some instructions because a lot of people ask me all over the world when I go and I speak, how how do we find the right one? How do I know that this guy is the guy? How do I know that this girl is is is what I need? It's what Hashem wants for me. There is a way to know, and it's very simple. You'll see it today. Very, very simple. There is something happening today. A lot of people have doubts. You go on a date, and you're not sure. And this cause a lot of problems. Today, b'ezrat Hashem, I want to give you the not mine, what Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave us, to know if this is that and you continue, or this is not this and you have to go to the next one. This is one of the goals of this class today. We're going to speak about uh men and women because it's different. We're going to also speak about what is what do I need to look for in a guy? What's the right character traits that I have to focus on to see that he has it? And if he has it, he's going to be a good husband. Also, for for a girl, what's the what do I need to look for because there's a lot of things, but what's the most important that if she has it, I know we're going to have a good family together? What does the Torah say about it? And also, the most important, clean the nail, at the end of the class, we're going to give some good luck. You know what good luck is? Yeah, good luck means a spiritual way to open our mazel, our luck, to find the one fast. So, we don't need to go through a lot of uh dates to make sure that I can bless us to find it as fast as possible and the right one does not to show. So, let's start first of all, I know there's a lot of there's a lot of levels here. Okay, there's people that uh keep to learn with there's people that less keep to learn with what. And there is a difference because the dates are different. And the things that you're looking for are different. For example, a girl that let's say she's very religious, so obviously, she wants someone that is in her level. You want someone that also observe and learn to learn and is spiritual. And a girl that she's not so religious, this is going to be less important for her. So, I'll try to give the advice for both. For those who are more religious and also for those who are less. I'll give you an example. A lot of people ask me, "What is How do I know that a person is Yere Shamayim? Is he a God-fearing? If he's really, really, you know, keeping the Torah seriously? Yeah, he has a kippah. Maybe also a little bit of a beard. But how do I know that inside, inside, he's a God-fearing person? What is the way to know? I want to have a spiritual husband. Our sages say that there is a very, very simple way to check it. By the way, also for men to to to to women. What do you need to look for? It says in the holy books, see how this person prays and make blessings. You go on a date, you go on a the restaurant and he takes a cup of water and see how he is doing the blessing. If the blessing is very, we say in Hebrew khafif, like not no intention. Just for beauty. If there's not a lot of intention, if he said it very, very fast, very you see that he doesn't really mean what he's saying. It means that it doesn't take a big place of his life. If it's happened to be that you saw this guy going on Tefilat Mincha, pray Mincha. Pray Arvit. And you see that during the week he's like praying and looking all over. There there seeing someone is going coming from this door, he looks. You see that the guy is praying but he's not really praying. It means that his spirituality is spiritual. But not not not that level that the serious girls, those who are more and more religious, would want. So Ariza says because you know the the the one of the most important things that brings us Ruach Hakodesh. Ruach Hakodesh is the Holy Spirit. You know all the big rabbis, they know the future, they know things. How do they get to this level? To know so much. They have Ruach Hakodesh. What is Ruach Hakodesh? How do you get it? They say you get to Ruach Hakodesh. Ariza says, "When you have kavana in your blessings." When you do a blessing slow, you understand what you're saying, you try your best when you pray word by word, this type of people they have the potential to get the Holy Spirit, the Ruach Hakodesh. Ariza says that he himself got it because of that. Because he was very careful in prayer and and blessings. So this is one of the ways that those who are more religious, they want to check the other side, look at the prayer. Look at the This is how you know that he is really serious about his Torah observance. But girls and boys are different. We are different in our character traits, and also we are different in our role in life, our goal in life. Man was mainly created to be a giver. Man was created to give. Hashem says to Adam that he's supposed to make Hava happy. He has to give her. That's why the man gives a ring to the woman. Today they also give it back, okay? Few days ago I did a wedding. Yeah, we had a wedding in Aruba. Now it's a new trend, I don't know. People go all the way there, so I needed to make the wedding there. Baruch Hashem. And yeah, very bad place, huh? No, no, but it was good. It was Sanua, I made sure that everything is good. And the guy was the guy was giving her a ring. But then there [clears throat] was another ring. So I asked the guy, "Is this is for me?" Obviously I knew who that this is where I am. But today we lost it a little bit. The man is the giver. Hashem wants him to be the main provider. And this is his role. Now, why is it important to know? Because when you go on a date, this is the red flag. If you see that the most important job of a man he's not fulfilling it properly, you have to think about it. I'm going to go to women soon. >> [laughter] >> Yeah, I'll start with the men. This is a red flag. Why? Because he needs to be a giver. By the way, the way how he is connecting to Hashem, you remember what we said in the beginning? Be like God, you will be connected to God. Whatever God is, God is doing matchmaking, you do matchmaking, you also begin to be connected to God because you do the same thing that God do. It's a way to connect to Hashem. Hashem is a giver, he doesn't want to take anything from us. He doesn't need anything. If you're going to be a giver, you're going to be connected to Hashem. Man needs to be a giver. That's why if he if a man has a character trait Hashem Shalom, he's stingy. He doesn't give. I had a I had a guy in Israel that he went on a date with a girl. They took a taxi. And the girl coming to me after the date and she says, "Rabbi, the um he took the taxi. We needed to get to the hotel to speak in the lobby of the hotel, but you know the taxi in Israel has a it has a it's How you call it? The meter, yeah. It counts the the kilometers. Every kilometer, every meter is like more money. That's how they So, they needed to get to the hotel, but the guy told the the taxi driver maybe a few minutes before, "You can stop here. We'll walk a little bit." So, she asked me, is that a red flag? Like like He doesn't want to pay the extra So I said, listen. It's a good question. But on one situation you don't judge. Why? Because could be that he just want to speak in the outside a little bit. Could be. Maybe that's his intention. We [snorts] shouldn't be suspicious right away. Ah, maybe he's But if you see few situations like that that the guy wants to save This is not how you should be as a man. Yeah, I'm saying it to myself and to all men. We should be givers. And that's why a lady that see this character trait in a man, you see that he is baruch hashem spending. He ask you, you want to eat something? You say no, he buys you anyways. That's a very good man. This is what you should look for mostly in a man. What about a woman? Yeah. By the way, the Rabbi Pinchas Mi Koretz one of the great leaders of Hasidus, he was the student of Bal Shem Tov. He says that there is a lot of bad character traits. He holds that the most negative character trait is to be stingy. Kamtzan is the worst. Also for women. Why? Because God is the main giver. He wants us to be givers as well. If you don't do that, you do the opposite of what God is. It's the opposite of your creator of of of the reason of your creation. So, a guy will come to me and says, "Okay, Rabbi, what what what what am I going to do? I was born like this. My family is like this. This is our mentality." What should I do? Rambam says you should work on it. How do I work on it? Go to the bank, take $200, tell them to break it to bills of five or one, and go to a place where they give money to, you know, people that they collect money, and start to give to each to to each person you see. Why? To teach yourself to give. So, why can't I just give $200? No, no, no, because $200 is given one time. I want you to give 200 times. You understand the psychology? Rambam says that. The more you give, yeah, if if you without the shame, you all get married, and you're going to have children. If you see that your child is very, you know, save everything for himself, doesn't want to give to what to others, how do you teach him to be kind and give? You give him a lot of candies, and tell him, "You're going to get 10 candies, but I want you to give all the other ones to everybody in the shul or in the house or and he gives, and he gives, and he gives, and he gives, and he gives, then he learn how to give. You can break your character. You have to understand, what is the right character? To be a giver. When you go on a date, that's what you have to show. And [clears throat] not just to show, also to be like that. This is for a man all the time. What about a woman? When you go on a date, what's the most important? By the way, there was one guy that asked me. Uh he asked me, "How do I know that she's the one?" So, there's few answers to that. We'll tell you later. But, one of the answers that I told him, I told him, "When you say something funny, she laughs?" He says, "What is that? What what Why is that important?" I said, "Because if she laughs from your humor, from your way of of of of when you try to make her laugh, she understands that if she also laughs, it means you you click with each other." She understands She she she understands your jokes. Now, I know it sounds like, "Okay, jokes." It's very important. If you tell her something funny, you go to the store and you say something funny and she's like and you're like smiling and she doesn't, or she does like, you know, this face like "What is this?" You know? It means it's it's it's it's I'll say again, I'm not saying this is not that, but you have to check it. Because you're going to be living together for the rest of your life and he's going to make those jokes every day. And if this is not funny for you, so well, you're not going to have a happy house. You understand? This is This is very very simple thing, but this is the most important thing. You don't need to look for, you know, a genius or a professor girl. No. She needs to smile when you say something funny. That's it. That's how you know this is yours. One of the One of the things. This is already one check mark. On a date, there is three levels. First date, I call it ID. What is ID? Who I am, who you are, my brothers, my sisters. Yeah, my parents, what I do in life. This is the first the first date. You get to know each other. By the way, in that first date, you have to understand you have to know what's her connection relationship to her parents. It's very very important her relationship to her parents, also his relationship, but her more important. Why? Because who is her family right now? You're not her family yet. You want to be her family. Who is her family right now? Parents, brothers and sisters. If she has a good connection with them, she means she's family oriented. It means that tomorrow you're going to be the family, and she's going to respect you as well. That's why this is one of the most important things to look for a man to look in the woman. What's your relationship with your parents, with your sisters, with your brothers? And if you're women and you know that you don't have a very good relationship, that's the time to fix it. Because if you cannot get along with your own family, who says you can get along with with with someone that is not your family? Which is a lot more complicated sometimes. You didn't grow up in the same in the same way. So, in the first date I did, when you ask, "Okay, where's your father? What does your father do? What does your mother do? What does your brothers do?" Like uh what's your connection with them? If she tells you, "Well, I love my mother. I love my mother." This is well, very good. Check mark. I love my mother. I love my father. It's a very good thing. If you're connected to them. By the way, I made a research in my life. I have a lot of rich friends. And I made a research like my own my own statistics. And I found out that all the people that are successful in money and also in other things, most of them most of them most of them they have a very good relationship with their parents. The parents when the parents bless you, you're blessed. By the way, we said in the beginning of the shio, blessings, right? I'll show you how we need to bless. Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha'olam shehakol nihiye bidvaro. Amen. Amen. >> The Tzadka says that the right way to bless is to stop every three words. Even if you don't do intentions or whatever, just stop. Why when you stop, you get to think what you do. First, date is ID. We getting to know our family. So, we said already, check the family, check the relationship with the family. If the relationship with the family is good, he loves his father. He says good things about them. He says good things about his brothers and sisters. It's a good thing. It's a good person. Most likely you will have also good relationship because he's getting along with the close people to him or to her. Abraham Avinu sending Eliezer his his servant to find a shidduch for Isaac. He tells him like this, He told them, "Don't take I don't want you to pick a wife for my son Isaac from the people of Canaan. I want you to go to my family and you will pick someone from there." What does Abraham say that? Why does Abraham say that? Why is it so What's the problem? Go get married to someone from your area. You know, and make her part of your family. Why do you need someone from your family? Abraham Avinu tells us that when you want to find someone and you want to have an easy life together, you need to look that you have the same lifestyle approximately. People that you know why you know the Today is not in certain places it's not so common anymore, but it used to be more. And I bless it. I think it's a good thing. People would get married to the same uh eda How you say eda? Same uh background. Yeah. Same background. Bukharans with Bukharans, Persians with Persians, right? And Ashkenazim with Ashkenazim, Moroccans with Moroccans. That's how it used to be. A lot of uh A lot of people still keep it. For their family it's very very important. Now today we have a problem. A lot of young you know young people they say listen this is from this is you know long time ago to get Today we have to So this is a big question. I'm not going to say what's the halacha. Of course the halacha you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you But there is a good point in picking someone from the same background. Abraham Avinu told Isaac go get a wife from Isaac from my background. Now why why he wants it? Because a peo- people that come from the same background the same they have the same lifestyle. They have They don't have much of difference. We already have a lot of difference because we are men and women. Men has a certain psychology, women has a different psychology. Okay? So, if you pick a person that is way different than you, again, this is can be a best marriage, but according to statistics and to logic, you don't have the same lifestyle. Sometimes, when you go out on a date, you're from the same background, but still you don't have the same lifestyle. I'll give you an example. Some families are very loud. They wake up in the morning with screams. Everybody scream at each other. HEY, GOOD MORNING. BALAGAN, everything is like not This is their lifestyle. That's the way they live. You know, when the mother wants something from the father, she screams. HE'S UPSTAIRS. THE HOUSE IS VERY CROWDED. People coming in, coming out, coming in, coming out. Some people are like this. There are other people that their lifestyle it's like in the library. You know, you go to the library, you try to say something, shh. Quiet. The wife wants to say something to the husband, she texts him. She texts him. Okay? Everything is very, very organized, on in place. Has v'shalom someone comes with the shoes to the house. Hashem forbid. Now, this is also Now, could be that both of you are Bukharian. But this is called different lifestyle. Okay? IT'S CALLED DIFFERENT BACKGROUND because it's it's it's you are different, very very different. Now, this is one of the things that you have to pay attention on a date. This is what Avraham Avinu says to to Yitzchak. Make sure she's from my family means that we have the same a little bit the same approach to life because if it's going to be too much of a gap, you're not going to be able to handle it. People that all life lived in such a quiet atmosphere, imagine someone very loud coming into their house. I'm not saying it's not possible, but it's hard. Okay? Now, from the other side, you have to be careful. If you're going to take another person that is also very very quiet, it's going to be a cemetery. >> [laughter] >> Okay? That's also something to think about. Okay? But this is why you we have to think on a date. The connection, the lifestyle. That we connect. One of the ways to check it is like I told you. Say something funny. If he is smiling and it's also funny for him, it means you understand each other. The Gemara says, "Kallah she'einah yafeh, einah bedikah." In English, a bride that she has a beautiful eyes, you don't need to check up on her. That's what the Mara says. So, if you read the Mara like this, no uh commentaries, what would you say? Oh, if she has a blue eyes, that's it. I get it. No need to check. Mara, I listen to the Mara. That's it. She has nice, beautiful eyes. I like it. Obviously, that's not what the Mara means. What is beautiful eyes in Torah language? Perspective? We have We have a We have a concept called ayin tovah. Ayin yafah. What is ayin yafah? A beautiful eye in Torah means that you look at everything and you see the good side of it. You see the good side of the thing. This is called beautiful eye. You can have blue eyes, but if you look negative at everything, you don't have good You don't have beautiful eyes. This is called ayin yafah. Says the Torah, my dear guys, you're going on a date. What you should look for? You should look that she has beautiful eyes. You should see if she looks at the situation in a positive perspective. For example, a lady went on a date with a guy and he took her to a restaurant. A dairy restaurant. Then they come to the rabbi and the rabbi is he was the matchmaker. And he's asking the her, "Nu, how was it?" She says, "Good." "You like the way he looks?" "Yes." "Is he a good family?" "Yes, baruch Hashem." "He's a God-fearing person?" "Yes, baruch Hashem." "Nu, nu, so you want?" "I don't know." "Why you don't know? Well, what happened?" "I don't know." Then it took the rabbi a little bit of time to get it to get the information. At the end she says, "Listen." "She invited me He invited me to a dairy restaurant." "Okay, so why dairy? Why not meat? Dairy is cheap." "Maybe he wants to not to eat the pizza. Why not a steak?" This is a true story, by the way. You know what the rabbi told him? You know what he told him? He also speak spoke to him. Told him, "Next." The rabbi told him, "Next." "Why?" "You can't see. You're not married to him even. You don't know the guy. Right away your eye is negative. You don't have a beautiful eye. You don't deserve to get this This is a good guy." What do you need to look for? See that she has a good eye. Now, sometimes in life it's hard to see everything positive. I'm not saying that you have to be, you know, perfect. And that about this is definitely one of the most important because things happen in life. And if you get a a girl that she has a good eye, whatever is going to happen, she's going to look at it from the positive perspective. And there's going to be always calmness at home. She won't judge you. And that's one of the most important principles of life, not judging. That's why a man look at her eyes. You go to a restaurant and she got a food that is good, but something there was not the way she wanted. She wanted medium rare and it was medium well done. And then she says to the waiter, "Come here. I'm not going to eat it. I'm not going to eat it. I'm sorry." And the waiter Maybe there was a mistake. Maybe. If you see that always a bad eye, it's a question mark. Again, I'm not saying yes or no, but those things you should look for. There is Like we said, the Gamara says that the man has to look at her eyes. And the women has to look at his giving at his hands. How much he gives, right? This is things that you can see in the first date. We said first date is ideal. Check the parents, check at him, check what he is doing, what is occupation. Second date, check his lifestyle that we said. Check his approach to life, his goals. See that you have the same the same goals in life. You want to do the same things. Third date is the most important date. Third date, I call it in Hebrew kishkushim. You know what's kishkushim? Just means talking. Just talking for the sake of talking. About random things, about not important things, just to see that you together having a good time just to speak about things. Not about important things. Like what do you want to do in life, how you want to raise kids, how you want This is all first date, second date. You have to You have to see that he's in the same mindset as you. You have to see that he is is is is in the same spiritual level as you. But the third date is the most important. Why? You have to see the most important thing is that I can just talk to the guy, I can just talk to that girl for an hour and I enjoyed talking. This is one of the ways that you know that you can have with God's help a family together is that You know, sometimes you go on a date and then there's silence. You just started the date. You speak about something and then it's like like two old couple If you are like two old couple when you're in the first or second date, imagine what's going to happen when you're going to be old. It means that there's no enough connection. And from all what we said, the most important thing is the connection. The Gamara says something very very important. Gamara says "Kol ano se isha leshem mamon havyan lo banim she'inam me'urganim." Yeah, this is a good topic for New York. They say if you get married because of money, your kids are going to be damaged by this. Your character. If you get married because of money, what does it mean because of money? Means I know her father and that's enough for me. The Gamara says it's not allowed to get married like this. Vice versa also. She knows, she heard what's happening in his bank account and that's enough for her. If you get married for that, the fruits, yeah, the results of that marriage, the Gamara says it's not going to be good. You're not going to have a happy family with the kids. Gamara, the Gamara is very strict on this. Why? Because money shouldn't be even a question. And I'm serious about what I'm saying. And I'll tell you why. We as Jews we believe with all our organs that money is is is brought to this world by God only. Not by people. If one guy is more successful than the other guy, it's not because he's more smart, because he's more talented, because he has a fam- he is only because God decided that now he will have more for his tikkun and for his golden life. And if you are making money >> [clears throat] >> a part of your decision It's a lie? And then what? If you make it a part of your decision according to the Torah, it's kind of uh uh you don't believe in God. You don't believe that God gives the money and not people make it. And that's a problem. We have to always remind ourselves. By the way, every man that comes home you cannot never ever say, "I make bring the money to the house." You cannot say such a thing. Because by saying that, you offend God. What do you mean you bring? You don't do anything. I can make you stay on the bed all day. All your success coming from your mazel that God gives you. Money is a present from God only. That's why you cannot make it one of your uh uh conditions, criteria, whatever to to find a shidduch. "I If he doesn't If he doesn't come from a wealthy family, uh I'm not interested." That's the just It's It's It's It's a prohibition. I was in Moscow 2 years 2 weeks ago. I give your classes in different communities. One guy there told me his personal story. He got married to one of the richest people in Moscow. To the family. He divorced after a month. Month. You think, "Wow, the richest family. He's such a lucky guy." No. No. No. No. No. What he told me what's happening in that place. What do you think? When there is a lot of money, there's also a lot of problems. Living reality. That's why a lot of people ask me, "Rabbi, but but he doesn't he doesn't have a" You have to see if the guy is a good guy. He has a potential. I got those people who will give the money. I always say I want I got married. I had a very very big zero in my bank account. I had a zero zero. I had nothing. But but I shall only get money that I can do. Give you. This challenges. That's why this is one very very important thing. This is should not be even a question. How much you make. We will do it together. I know that we have desires. We want to live a fancy life. We But if we talk Judaism, Judaism says, "Get married because he's a good guy. Get married because she is a good girl. She has good character traits. That you feel that I'm connected to her. It's It's I feel good when I speak to her. I can sit with her for 3 hours and just chat. She's for you. We like the same things. This is a little bit of advice to what to look in marriage. Now, how do I know that this is the guy? The Ben Ish Hai say something very, very interesting. You know, ladies have intuition more than men. It says in the Torah, "Bina yetera nitna lanashim." God gave women a certain extra spiritual sense to feel things. Yeah. They say that uh there's a lot of stories in the Gemara that big rabbis, before they made a decision, big decision in life, they always had said, "I'm going to speak to my wife." Rabbi Elazar ben Azariah, he was 18 years old. Yeah, they got they got married like 14, 15 already. They wanted him to be the chief rabbi of Israel in that age. He didn't have a beard, like a white beard. They They offered it to him, such a position. You know what he told them? "Hold on. Let me speak to my wife. I'll come with an answer tomorrow." His wife told him no. But then they got a He had a dream and they got a sign from heaven that yes, then she said, "Okay." But he was asking her. She has a certain sense, mashu bina yetera. That's why the Ben Ish Hai say, if the lady feels that this is that, most likely this is that. He says one of the signs that a match it's a a good match is that she wants even a little bit more than he wants. Now, you cannot measure it. But if you guy have the feeling that she's interested or you girl has the feeling that you are interested, very interested, you don't have to be super interested, but you feel that, "Okay, I want the guy. I think I'll have a good life with him." This is enough to say, again, if you check all the other things, okay? I'm talking about already you saw the family, who is he, he is the same uh uh hashkafah, same spiritual level, whatever, then if she feels it, it's a big sign. Says the Ben Ish Hai, it's not me. It's a big sign. He say we learn it from Rivka. Rivka, they asked her, "Do you want to go with him?" What she said? "Yes. I want to even leave my family. I want to go with him." This is a big sign. There is a big problem in the in the world today that sometimes you uh you go on a date and you see you see something you don't like. And then you don't know what to do. Should I continue and close my eyes? Or should I say no? This is a big question. In general, if we talking about spiritual things, you have to understand that in spiritual things, you should try to get someone in your level as much as you can. Don't take projects on yourself. Don't think you are Rabbi Akiva's wife. There was one lady like that. That's it. If you see that the guy doesn't keep Shabbat, doesn't keep kosher, and you want a kosher house, and you want a a house of of of of Shabbat, don't take a project to get married to someone that is not there. It's not right. Also, the opposite. Yeah, but Rabbi, he's telling me he will. He will keep Shabbat. He promises when we get married, he will keep Shabbat. Maybe I believe him also. I believe what he say. I don't believe what that he's going to do. Do you know there is a big big It's very far It's a very It's It's a very far journey from what we say to what we do. Could be that he wants, but is he able to? Now, if the guy or the girl started right away, and and I saw a case like this not long ago. I was in one of the states here in the US. The girl was religious, the guy was less, a lot less, but he liked her so much. He said, "That's it. I'm going with you to classes. I'm going to get a hisul." He started to keep Shabbat right away on the spot. And he saw that okay, he's good. He likes it. He wants it. This is okay. Maybe you can work with that. But if he is not and he's just telling you or she's telling you, I will I will try you shouldn't take project upon yourself because the reality speaks that those cases usually suffer later. They're not in the same level and they have a lot of arguments on this those topics because spiritual life is your day-to-day life. Spiritual observance of means what is what you doing every day, what you eat, what you do at home, how you educate your kids, what school they go, what they wear, everything. That's why when we talk about spiritual level trying to make it as much as possible same. Don't go on dates that are too far from your spiritual. There's no point. Go on those dates that are in the level that you want. Be around those area, go to those or whatever that your spiritual level that's the most important. Don't take those projects upon yourself. It's very dangerous. Now what about not spiritual things? Let's say okay, he has a certain character trait that is very hard for me. She has something that she's doing that I don't like. The way she acts, the way she speaks, the way she something the way she looks, the way he looks. So what we do with those issues? The answer is very simple. We didn't come to this world to change people. First of all, we came to this world to only one person and ourselves. So, the Let's say you go on a date, you see the guy, you see the girl, the way she is now with this character trait, with this hair or eyebrows, whatever it is, can you handle it for the rest of your life? This way. It's not going to change. This way. Can you live with that? If the answer is yes, go ahead. If the answer is no way, you cannot do that. Don't imagine people sometimes go into this imagination, "Yeah, but this is how she will change, she will do, we will fix." We'll do, we'll fix, this is something you think when you're ready married. When you're ready married, there's no way back, almost. That's how you should think. Now we will fix, we will do, we will change, we will change, we'll be better. Before you are married, you have to accept the person the way he is without changes. You're okay with the way she is now, the way she speaks, the way she looks, the way the way he is doing things? Can you handle this character trait that he has? That he gets mad very fast? But then [clears throat] he forgets. Can you handle that? I can. That's it. If you can, rest of the things are good, go ahead. You can continue with that. Okay. A lot of people have problems to find their shidduch. There is a cabalistic reason why in our time we have that problem. Back in the days people would get married 14, 15, 18, 20, 20, 22, 23 was already a a grandmother. And a grandfather. That's how we used to be back in the days. Always. In our generation something happened. It's very hard to find. Now, when I hear it from people from New York, it's very weird. I live in Toronto. There we don't have a lot of options. Especially as far as dating. Here, so many people from here always tell me I don't find it, but there's so many options. Why you don't find? There is a cabalistic reason why. It has to do with our past life. You have to understand that if you are if your shidduch is delayed, you're already 30 years old, 28, 35, there is a cabalistic reason why it's happening. It's fixing for something from your past life. Don't get mad. Don't be sad. It's all in control. It's meant to be. Don't worry. Doesn't forget about you. However, sometimes we cause it to ourselves. The disciple once someone came to him, a guy. He's 30 years old or 32. And he says, "Rabbi, it's very hard for me. I don't find a shidduch. I don't find The disciple had the holy spirit. He had She looked at him and says, "Yeah, you already met her." "When?" Told him, "When you were in that age. 22." "But you let her go." Because of the uh uh uh the wrong reasons. Again, if you have the right reasons, that's why you always have to have someone to ask. It's very important. Someone you feel comfortable to ask. Sometimes it's a good reason to say no. But sometimes it's for such a silly, not right reason. You know? She has a curly hair. Listen. Or he has a I don't like his beard. The way, the shape. I'm sorry, this is not a reason. If you see that he has all what you need in life. Something aesthetic. Again, if you cannot look at the guy I understand. Like it's not it's not pleasant for me to look at 100%. But if he's okay, he's fine. What do you think in 10 years he's going to be Also she did the you know, life the people don't become more and more handsome or beautiful. Be realistic a little bit. This is not the most important thing. If you cancel for those things, sometimes you can miss it. It's a bubble. I don't say that you can get someone else. Each one of us according to Kabbalah has 18 potential souls you can get married to. That's what I was saying. But they are in different levels. You want the best one. It's called the Akeda bite. Or Israel. You have the Akeda Akeda the Akeda names to all those soulmates that can be your soulmates, but they are there's levels, how much connection you're going to have. So don't say no when there's no reason to say no. So you can also so you can also miss it. So what do we do? What can we do to make sure that it comes and it comes on time? Or if I missed it, how can I fix it? So for that we have the world of Sefirot. The world of Sefirot Sefirah means I do something, you know, you can you can make an effort a physical effort to go to a Shulchan, go to Hashem now, yeah. What you're doing now. But you can also do a spiritual effort. What is the spiritual effort you can do? I'll give you a few of them. For men, if you want to get married fast and to get it with Hashem the right one very very fast there's a few things you can do. One, one of them is what that are the most connected to your Shidduch to your soulmate is the blessing the moon. In Torah moon is the wife. A person that takes it upon himself every month even if there's no moon, you will find the moon. Sometimes the the moon is covered. You do it on time and you do it with Simcha. Simcha means with happiness. I would even say after you do dance. Our sages say guaranteed this guy because he blessed the moon, he blessed the Shidduch, she will come. This is one thing you should be careful. By the way, for a woman ask your father please if you can make the blessing the moon and after you do that please mention my name so I find my Shidduch. And if your father is more Kabbalistic tell him also to think about one of God's name at that moment aleph, hey, vav, and hey, and ask for you, you'll get it very soon. Second thing for men. By the way, what? Okay, if he would not do, so you do other things. I give options for those people. By the way, if you see rain outside, it says in the holy books of Kabbalah and the time of rain, that's the best time to pray for shidduch. It's raining for both. It's raining, "Hashem, please give me my soulmate fast, good." Whatever you want to say in your own word when it's raining. Next thing for men. When there is uh Torah reading, two parashot together, two parashot together, make sure to go on that Shabbat aliyah revi'it, the four parashot, the four aliyah. It's the aliyah that connected between the first one and the second one, connection, match. Okay? They say going on that aliyah, it's a segulah to get married fast. Fourth aliyah, the one that connect the first parashah with the second parashah, two parashot together. Okay. And another thing for a man, you want to get married, this is very very chazak, very strong this segulah. Learn Gemara Masechet Ketubot. Go get a rabbi, tell him I want to make a chavruta, or go online daf yomi Masechet Ketubot. If you cannot do it yourself, pay someone to do it for you, but it's better to do it yourself. Masechet Ketubot, until the end of the masechet, you'll find it. >> until the end of the messechet you will be you will find it. That's a to open your mazel and okay? For women for ladies what you can do Rabbi Adelstein said one good thing. He said accept upon yourself that when you get married Hashem you will dedicate one bed in your house for guests. For women is hospitality is harder than men because they usually take care of it. If you will say I accept upon myself when I get married I get a bed for to host people and I actually call people. It's a segulah to have the shidduch come fast. That's what Adelstein said. Huh? She's not hosting yet because she doesn't have the husband in the house. But she accept upon herself that when I get married and remember the that she promised that. I get a bed for hosting people. Second thing she can There is a big rabbi passed away. His name was Matityahu ben Charash. There's a whole story about him once saw something a lady tried to seduce him and he was like so strong he took took like metal and he put inside his eyes just in a look. Yeah, crazy story. This rabbi he's buried in Israel in I heard so many people that got a Mamash Yeshua. Their prayer were answered by going to his grave, but there is a segulah to light a candle for this Rabbi for 40 days. Now, I don't know this one. I don't know the source of this segulah. I just heard it from a lot of people that did it and they saw results. That's why I'm saying it to you. A lady will light a candle for Matia ben Harash 40 day not on Shabbat, yeah? You light before Shabbat and you light Motzei Shabbat. Before Shabbat is for Friday. Motzei Shabbat is for Saturday, right? And 40 days Matia ben Harash and then ask with your own words, "Hashem, please I trust you. Give me my soulmate as fast as possible, a good one." That's a segulah. This is from the spiritual aspect what we can do to open our mazal. Now, the last one and this is very very khazak. I even prepared something for you guys. We have here cards with a segulah for dating. Okay, someone will give it out after. Okay, Rabbi? This is one of the Rabbis that I really really look to, Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu alav hashalom. He was the chief Rabbi of Israel. And he writes a very interesting segulah. It says it here. I'm going to explain it to you. Then you take it and you do it before you go on a date. Okay? He says that before a date, if you want the date to be successful and you want to be motze chen. Motze chen means to have favor in the eyes of the other side. Okay? To be liked. Because at the end of the day, who puts who opens our eyes? Hashem. Hashem. You see people that handsome guy get married to a very not sorry a beautiful lady. Why? Who puts it in her head? Hashem. So, we want Hashem to put in the head of the right person that he will like me. How do we do that? There is a segulah. So, Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu says like this, take the healing before the date. Take the healing. Open the healing randomly. Whenever it opens. And read the the 10 chapters. From the place you open, the first chapter you see, 10. Okay? 5 minutes. After you did that, say this small prayer. We did it even in English. Yeah? It says it here, small prayer, three lines that Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu uh gave. And after that, say the name of the mother of David Hamelech 17 times. You know his mother's name? Nitzvet bat Adael. It also says it here in the book. Nitzvet bat Adael. Say it 17 times. By the way, this is helps with any even when you go to business, you want people to like you, say it 17 times then go to the meeting. You'll see miracles. Nitzvet bat Adael. Then say it 17 times, go to the date. Be'ezrat Hashem, I bless all of you yehi ratzon that next time I come here, at least half of you are married. Be'ezrat Hashem yehi ratzon that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will bless each one of you bracha atzlacha briut etana parnassa tova vezivug hagun hagun bekarov. If you want to get it, it's right here. The rabbi will give it to you. Be'ezrat Hashem, thank you for the organizers. Thank you and good luck to everyone. >> [applause] >> Thank you very much.