Rabbi Shaya Cohen - The Secret of Happiness

I think the title is a little presumptuous. Uh, the secret of a happy life, something like that. Uh, it sounds like there's a secret and I'm here today to reveal the secret. I don't know. I don't know if I'm qualified, but the truth of the matter is it must be a secret. And I'll tell you why. More money is spent on the pursuit of happiness than anything else in human civilization. There's books and seminars and and and and and programs and and and all kinds of things everybody is trying is trying searching for happiness and uh even the amount of money that people pay for therapy, they're looking for happiness. And yet if you look at any of the statistics, the world is not a very happy place. The suicide rates, the substance abuse rates, uh the divorce rates, the abuse rates, something is something is off. A society that's bent on the pursuit of happiness and doesn't seem to be able to find it. Must be there's a secret. I'd like to say that we know the secret. The secret was actually revealed to us in the in the language of the in the language of we know that inesh every word is not no word is arbitrary. Uh this is a book because people decided to call it that and this is a table for the same reason and and so forth and so on. Not so every time the threeletter root appears in a word, it always implants a special meaning. The meaning of the every letter has a meaning and every threeletter root has a meaning and every time that root appears in a word, that root describes the essence of the concept. said had one request. He wanted to sit in the house of Hashem his entire life to bask in the divine presence and famously we say it three times a day said happy is the one who sits in the house of Hashem. So his greatest yearning was to sit in the house of Hashem. And that's the definition of happiness. And the sh the root of the word ash is alfin reer not wealth but osher with an olive. And that word the means validation. An ishure is a validation. a validation. Validation means feeling good about myself. The universal definition of happiness, the secret that's revealed to us in the hakesh is that happiness is about feeling good about oneself. If I feel good about myself, I'm happy. That's the formula. That's the universal formula. That's the formula from the That's the formula that has revealed to us in the So now we know the secret. The secret of happiness is validation is feeling good about myself. Okay, that's the secret of the definition. But what do we do to get there? What can we do to get there? What's critical to get there? And what's detrimental to prevent us from getting to this sense of validation and feeling good about ourselves? Many things. There's much that can be said. First of all, what would you say? Let's assume for a moment that you were a therapist and a client walks into your office and says, "Doc, I have no purpose in living. I don't know what you would do, but if I were a therapist, I would order a suicide watch because anyone who feels they have no purpose in living and what are they living for? What's the point? How could I feel good about myself? How could I feel happy? Myself has no purpose. My life is meaningless. What do I do? So one critical ingredient is meaning and purpose in one's life. If not like what am I doing here? I feel good about myself. I feel empty. I feel nothing. I feel I feel void. I feel nothing's there. I feel there's no point to the whole thing. I stop the world. I want to get off. What's the point? So that's very important purpose. Now purpose is a very complex concept. Um I might say I'm going to declare my purpose is my purpose in life is to um oh let's say what is to stay in bed all day and rest. My purpose it's not going to do very much for me. Uh my purpose is forgive me eradicating cockroaches. I don't see it on the any on the floor here. But my purpose is to eradicate cockroaches. I come around, I go from city to city, I eradicate cockroaches. I make a lot of money. That's nice. But that's a purpose. One day I think to myself, maybe I could be doing something even more meaningful. Maybe I could eradicate mice, rats. Who knows? But then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I said, I don't want to make up a purpose. I want to know the purpose for which I was put into this world. If I don't know the purpose for this piece of technology, and I think it's a hair scratcher, that's a very big understatement. So I want to know my true purpose. Now I have a dilemma. Where am I going to find the true purpose? Well, I know that if you want the true purpose of a piece of technology, you consult the manual today. They Google it or whatever you do. Okay. So, okay. But I don't know who's the manufacturer. Where am I going to find the purpose? What am I going to do? I'm getting desperate. I'm depressed. It's miserable. I know that purpose will give me meaning in my life. I know that meaning in my life will give me a sense of validation of feeling good about myself, but I don't know where to go. Well, the cloud is the one nation that has experienced a public revelation from the creator himself 3,338 years ago at Hari in front of millions of eyewitnesses where the creator spoke to us and told us what our purpose is. So we have communication from the manufacturer and that communication was passed down accurately from generation to generation to this very day. That's safer to say and those for him they all that's telling us what our purpose in life is. Wow. I can be happy. I can be happy. And he did us a tremendous. He revealed the secret of life, the purpose of living in front of millions of eyewitnesses. So nobody could hesitate and think, well, maybe some mistake, some confusion, some no millions of people. And they passed down accurately in a in a in a safer that was written as eyewitness testimony and never changed throughout the generations. Identical throughout the thousands of years. Oh wow. I'm getting the secret. I think I'm beginning to see that my life could be happy. My life could be meaningful. But I think it goes much further than that because in the Torah we're told not only that we have a purpose but we're told that our purpose is very very special. The purpose is that the human being should achieve the ultimate of godliness to become to be to go in the ways of Hashem and to cling to him to connect with him. Our purpose is revealed to us and it's such an uplifting purpose. Imagine that I am told that my purpose in this world is to be godly. So many that wow do you know how validating that is? Me little old me is told that my purpose is to reach the celestial heights to achieve a a a hisamus a a likeness to be unlikeen to Hashem himself. We feel better than that. That's the top of the top of the top of the top of the top. So I have a purpose. The purpose was revealed to me by the creator and that purpose is so exhilarating, exalting, uplifting. My purpose is godliness to be to Hashem and in the process to get closer and closer and closer to him because I become more and more identified and identical to him. Wow. You know the Rambam says that um if a person has a little bit of extra money on on Purim should give to give gifts to the poor because he writes like this because Pim is a time of there's no sim as glorious and as great as a sim of rejoicing the hearts of downtrodden people because one who who who uplifts the downtrodden hearts is enlightened to Hashem. He's acting like Hashem. He's acting godly. And that's what Hashem does because he is what does Hashem do? The says uplifts and breathes life into downtrodden and broken people. So it just so happens that the the tells us that the ultimate there's no there is no like the lev of like like um uplifting the downtrodden people because that makes me comparable to Hashem. That's the greatest sim because simra we said the secret is it's validation feeling good about myself and the more that I feel I act like Hashem me and Hashem we're we're you know mirror images holy not quite but this oh that's my purpose and what a purpose and how good I can feel about myself and therefore I am happy because I feel validated. I feel that I have a purpose. I know my purpose and my purpose is so uplifting. And if you want to carry this one step further, there's a very interesting that was given. I've heard it from my Rabbi Rabbi. I also heard it from Rabbi. It's the same idea. ation to you. So the says be holy. So says you might think just like Hashem like me and no not quite. So they both pointed out the kazal is saying a human being is so great. He has such godliness in him that if the said you should be holy, he would think that that means just like hemish like me. Not quite. Wow. What godless, what greatness. What a sense of feeling good about myself of validation. What a lofty lofty purpose I have in this world. To the extent that I would think if the only stopped at the words and didn't say I would think I'm supposed to be just like Hashem. Well, you know what that does for my ego? You know what that does for my sense of self, for my happiness? But it goes further because now that I'm in this pursuit of godliness, it opens up a whole new vista in my life. And that is my ability to connect with my ability to be tight with my ability to feel. And this is the ultimate because not only do I have a purpose and I feel good about that. Not only do I know my purpose and I know it incontrovertibly from my and I feel good about that. Not only is my purpose in and of itself something exalting because it's to become as godly a human being as I can. But that purpose leads me someplace else. That leads me to a bonded and an intimate relationship with Akeshu. What could be better than that? He's my friend, my best friend. We have this bond and described it so many times in such a in such a dramatic and such a a a beautiful way. I am to my beloved and he is to me. He is to me and I am to him. It's it's friendship. It's love. It's relationship gave the moshel of a of a of a relationship between a husband and a wife and a a a a that's the dma that relationship is the dma is the example to the connection that we have with to the intimate connection that we have with and that's that's so powerful because when I feel closeness to hashem I feel love towards hashem I feel Hashem loves me. Wow. What more could I ask for? How uplifting? How could I be more uplifted than that than to feel that I live in this close bonded relationship with But I want to ask you a question about this relationship. Uh the kazal tell us that composed shiim this uh this song that speaks about the depth of the relationship between the love that exists between us and therefore that love as we as we said before since we're in such a loving relationship with him there could be nothing more validating there can be nothing more happiness provoking because how good I feel about myself to be in this intimate, deep, romantic, loving relationship with Akishu. Well, let me ask you a question. This was written on the day that the mikt the first Bikto was completed wrote was inspired to say the mushul is of a an estranged couple. the the the the the wife acted inappropriately and she was chased out and then of course he's trying to come back, bring her back. She wants to come back and they they're getting back, they're not getting it's but it's it doesn't describe the the the relationship of love with the cloud at the highest level because the highest level would be we're in perfect unison. We're in perfect connection. We have this this wonderful relationship that nothing in the world can separate us and here we are running away trying to come back doesn't seem to be the appropriate way to discuss the ultimate loving relationship between but I think there's something else that is indicated in this what's the true test of a relationship the true test of a relationship is resilience. It's not that we have a perfect relationship all the time. It's that even when mistakes are made, even when um upset sets in, even when there may be even anger that sets in, but we're always coming back together again. Nothing can keep us away. nothing can flood out the love that exists between. So the resilience of that relationship is the truest testness of the love. So I am in engaged in a loving relationship with Boru, an intimate relationship with aeshbu a an absolute closeness with him and if anything sometimes seems a little bit well he doesn't seem to be delivering for me exactly what I would want. I don't seem to be behaving for him exactly as he would want. No, because even though that's true, but the relationship is resilient, we'll come back together again. We will be united. So, because of the resilience, we're involved in a permanent relationship. A permanent relationship is a different relationship. Do you know how validating it is to have a permanent relationship with? And you know something, that relationship goes beyond any other relationship. All relationships, human relationships end at a certain point. Even till death to us part, my relationship between my is eternal. I am today engaged in a relationship that is eternal. That will go on forever and ever. And with whom? with the with the controller, with the ruler, with the with the m with the with the Wow, how validating. Look at the nature of my relationship. And I would like to take this one step further. This this clinging connection that we have, how is it expressed in human terms? That's a very beautiful theoretical thought. We we we're DOS. We're we we we we're tied together. We're united together. But he he doesn't have a body. And like it's what's what does that mean? In the mema he writes that the source in the Torah for the mitzvah and the of trusting Hashem is says when the Torah says that we should cling to Hashem and we should have this absolute intimate close relationship with says that's also telling us we have to have trust and trust is probably the most important in any relationship. If it's they can't trust the person, they can't really have a relationship. And we can trust Hashem. And that trust Hashem that is the expression of our intimate ultimate and intimate relationship with endless relationship eternal relationship and that's the and this is something that we can incorporate into our daily lives. You know, we live in a very challenging world and sometimes the challenges can seem so overwhelming. But when a person learns the art, the mido, the secret of Hashem, trusting Hashem, everything is different. I have problems. He takes care of everything. In fact, they're his problems. In fact, we say that the says, "We're hoping for your Yeshua." He says, "It doesn't mean his salvation for us." It means his Yeshua from his problem. Because all of my problems are his problems. What a relationship. All of my problems are his problems. You put the your you put your your um your you you take your little pickle. I take my my my pickle with sorus. I throw it on Hashem. He'll sustain me. It's his problem. He takes care of me. I don't have to worry about anything. My beten in Hashem, my trust in Hashem, uh based on that intimate relationship with Hashem tells me you have a problem. Don't worry. Peace of mind. Low anxiety because it's his problem and he'll take care of it. I'm counting on him to take care of it. So, wow. No burden, no fret, no worry. And he delivers on his promises. It promises us that what we to the degree writes that we put our trust in hashem is to that degree that he responds to us. So I have this relationship which is so uplifting which is so validating and I see in it even a dimension of power because I can influence the future. The hope that I have to hashem even if I'm not sure of what's going to happen can influence the future. Says The next person says even just those that hope and explain even if you don't lead reach the level that you're confident but you you're not losing hope. I refuse to lose hope. Hashem won't let me down. He won't let me be embarrassed. What a relationship. What a peace of mind. What a what a a a and this is much too brief an overview of the union of but that is the greatest of the last of the greatest mubim um writes that When a person truly puts full trust in Hashem and I dare say trusting Hashem doesn't come. Oh, I have a problem. I trust you'll help it. No said how it comes. I trust your I know you only created the world to do. I know all of you is about I know. I know you're the you're the one who is his mercy is never withhold and the the merc that your is never ending. It's endless. Of course I hope to you because your endless and writes that after everything is said and done deems it necessary to make sure that the the desire of my heart is not fulfilled. It would absolutely not be for my benefit. It doesn't fit with all of his plans. Whatever the reason may be. What he does is the recourse that he has he interferes with my he undermines the but not but not he just ignores it never ignores if he has to he'll try to do something to interfere with the that's the power that we have that's the that we have and that's the ability that we have to feel so good about ourselves in this ultimate relationship with which even carries with it influence our influential and our is certainly influential. Wow, how good I could feel about myself. When you think of it, a a a mindset like this would really take a person why how could I feel empty? How could I feel empty? I have the most noble purpose for being on the face of this earth. And I have the most uplifting purpose for being on the face of this earth. And I have that perfect intimate relationship with the creator and the controller of of the entire creation. Wow. I feel good about myself. I think I'm gonna have to fire my therapist. I think I'm going to have to uh throw away my medication. I think I'm going to have to just take a deep breath and appreciate what a kesh has given me. What an opportunity we have. How good I can feel about myself in this connection with Hashem. I would just like to uh before we conclude um debunk a theory or a a practice which unfortunately has influenced so many of our people and prevented them from coming to this realization and that is our society has taught us an equation an equation which is antithetical to the truth. Happiness equals pleasure. That's western civilization. Happiness equals pleasure. Nothing can be further from the truth. We live in a very hap a very pleasurable society. We live in I don't know if New York is the pleasure capital of the world, but there are many cities where they're pleasure capitals of the world. And everybody is one of the biggest pleasure capitals in the world which I decided in my old age not to mention I used to mention it has the highest divorce rate in the country there everybody has two therapists in case one therapist goes on vacation and that's the community that's the community where there's more parties in that community in one week than in the entire year in the whole state that's the community where the concept of a canine therapist was invented. You know what a canine therapist is? They take their they take their dogs to a therapist because everybody is so miserable that they let it out of their By the way, if you're interested in a good profession, a canine therapist, you know how I know because when I was young, people used to walk their dogs and talk to them. Today, they're talking on the phone all day long. The poor dog, he's very lonely. No question about that. But anyway, let's leave that. That's not our problem for this evening. But but but pleasure and happiness are antithetical. When I fill myself up with pleasure, not only does it not make me happy, not only does it not make me feel good about myself, it makes me feel bad about myself because I not because some of the pleasures make me look bad or or or feel bad physically, but because I look at I say, "Oh, I need this, that, and the other thing just to be able to get through the day. I must feel like trash inside. If I felt good about myself, I wouldn't need that. I wouldn't fill the void. I wouldn't that wouldn't fill the void. And it doesn't fill the void. It's so temporary. And it's temporary. The the relationship with is permanent. The relates to that relationship even beyond our life in this world. It's a permanent relationship. And here I have a momentary pleasure and it's gone. But I just want to share with you um a problem that I experienced or realized many years ago about pleasure and sort of came to realize that loader that can't be the way. Uh many years ago we were visiting in Miami and someone took us to this dairy restaurant called Sarah's. I don't think it's open anymore but kabal. Anyway, uh so I was introduced to something I'm not a drinker. I don't know about these things to a drink called pina colada. It was very good. I really enjoyed it. So uh when I came back to New York, I was in Marina del Rey for a order of pina colada. Nobody knows how to make it like Sarah. Another place pin colada. Nobody knows how to make it like Sarah. Happened a few times. Not too often. Don't get scared, but happened a few times. Four years later, we were back in Miami and Sarah's here we come. And of course, I didn't bother looking at the menu. I ordered a pin colada. And I realized Sarah doesn't know how to make a pin colada either. What's the Listen to this. This is so so significant. The is like this. The first time you have a pleasure, the first time you have a pleasure, it's very stimulating because it's fresh. You never felt this before. It's a new feeling. Now, the next time it's already old. I had this pleasure already. It's dull. The senses are dull and the next time dull and the next time dull and therefore people need more and more and more, more more in order to get the same level of pleasure. But what's worse than that is the memory exaggerates pleasure. The memory exaggerates pleasure. So listen to what I have. I have a pleasure that's in my memory exaggerating more than it really was. Finding a memory fighting a reduced pleasure. So the pleasure has been reduced. The sensitivity has been reduced. The memory is exaggerated. I can't enjoy life. And after all is said and done, even if I enjoy it, it's not meaning it goes. It's gone. It's over. What do I have? >> And if you want to ask the question and think about it for a moment. If a person does something spiritual, if a person does something kind, person does a good deed. So you always feel good about it. Maybe you'll tell me, well, I have to think about it to feel good about it. Not true. You know why? Because when I do something good that's validating, it elevates me from a one to a two to a three to a four. I'm a different person. I'm I'm a greater person. I'm a happier person. And that remains a physical pleasure. It's gone. Nothing left. No elevation. Maybe a couple of pounds, but no elevation. Nothing more. And what's that's even worse. It doesn't do anything for me. And when I think about it, I want to ask you this one question. Do I have a pleasurable memory or do I have a memory of a pleasure? I'm quite certain I know in my life there's no pleasurable memories. It's a memory of a pleasure, but the pleasure is gone. Not so when I do something that validates myself, that makes me feel better about myself, that elevates me to a new level, a new level of meaning in my life, a new level of connection with a new level of godliness, a new level in that deep relationship with Hashem that remains forever. That's who I am. That's who I become.