Rabbi Benzion Shafier | SHALOM BAYIT Marriage Workshop | CHAZAQ

[Music] everybody long time no see really thank you so much for coming out H first and foremost we really have a lot of to the people that help put this together it does not as seamlessly as it looks like it comes together takes a lot of effort want to also thank of course the sponsors want to thank kazak for their participation in facilitating with Raa and also the sponsors I want to thank the B as well as the family of Yim thank you very very much um we had a little hand in this also to thank my Ritson um I'm going to be brief we're here to hear by schaer I want to say one remark regarding what we're all here for which your presence shows how much you invest in the idea of schom you understand it already and if you haven't heard this statement that I'm about to make now already then maybe it'll just underscore what we're all really feeling already the importance of schom in our lives we all live by the rulings of the ARA most of those teachings came to us through a student V says something shocking maybe even alarming he says that an individual's midot an individual's character is judged in shim by the way in which he interacts with his wife and he says a person can be about a person can do said give contribute towards the community in so many ways and he probably thinks in the back of his mind after 120 years I'm okay but is telling us that the measure the measuring stick the yard stick by which we will be judged is the relationship the manner in which we related to our spouses just a thought as we all lean in as I mentioned we all understand the importance of this that's why you're here perhaps one thing I can contribute just from a a personal note is if you're not yet familiar with ra who is at this point a global phenomenon I can't think my lucky stars I grew up in a small Upstate New York town and R schaer was living there amongst many other talented people that influenced my life in amazing ways and I can actually therefore say that I have observed schaer from when I was a child and for what it's worth before you stands an individual who is the utmost of sincerity he has dedicated his life to uplifting CL initially when R schaer was in Rochester when I was growing up as a child he was a high school revi and the students that he literally influenced for a lifetime from that High School sheer room and he could have had a very very successful career as a Reby going forward but schaer's reach has at some point just started to reach beyond the classroom I I've been at a wedding when the called up RAB schaer to get a the and the person announced RAB shaer as a rebi of the Katan the Katan never met RAB schaer in what way is he a re of thean because at some point in Rab schaer's career if you will he began to record what's known as Theo you've surely seen the bumper stickers you've surely encountered the books he took the concept of asmo in his own inimitable way and he brought the beautiful messages of Torah in an accessible way to the globe and as if that wasn't enough at some point it seems like aaer has really specialized into this area of schom in a way that is remarkable I don't know of another form in which this is being addressed in this way people can participate in online classes literally oneon-one guidance toer it's phenomenal experience phenomenal sincerity I don't want to but I have stood next as a student remember I get thebutt I speak yes should stop now I and I could just tell you that it's an experience that I recall to this day so we are seeing somebody who is who is speaking to us from sincerity this is not coming because of a career all sources are Tora based and yet integrated with the right Stories the right science the right research that makes it perhaps a little bit more understandable and accessible to us so really without taking any more of your time and without any further Ado I would like to have the privilege of introducing what I've Beena for shalita um thank you uh so I know R Den suan from um uh 100 years ago when he was y High on the um it is gives me such Nas to see him in this position now and you have in front of you a tremendous tremendous person folks make use of him he is a tremendous tremendous individual how do he welcome back thank you um really he he's a unique person and beautiful I don't have to tell you m do but his learning understanding okay tremendous tremendous person and thank you for the intro and it really is a pleasure I I really [Applause] okay so here's what we're going to do this evening we're going to discuss some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make you see a book in front of you hopefully if you were amongst the first 30 you get you got a copy of it that you got for free if not you could pick up a copy if you didn't get one um but what I'm going to do is just some of them you're still going to have to read the book you're not getting off the hook that easy but I'm going to go through some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smallart couples make uh and hopefully we'll get a certain understanding of marriage and how to apply it okay so let's begin in 1901 the divorce rate in the United States was about 6% currently the divorce rate in the United States is about 50% and here's the key question what changed what happened that marriages generally used to succeed and now they don't now again in the from Community it's nowhere near that kind of number but certainly in the secular world the idea of marriage for life is almost unheard of so the question is what changed so I believe there are four reasons why marriage used to succeed but no longer does the first reason is because we live in a world where everything is disposable disposable cups disposable blankets disposable Cutlery and so too is marriage I was sitting with my wife in a restaurant in Manhattan which means the tables were a little bit too close one to the other and we overheard a Two Fellas in the table next to us saying like there one I said you know I got married way too late I should have married much younger that way I could have got my first marriage over at an earlier age I could have got my second marriage when I was younger the problem was neither fellow was laughing and the idea of a start of marriage seems to be an acceptance and it really is a very sad reality so the first reason why marriages used to succeed and they longer do is because marriage is now considered disposable the second reason why marriage used to succeed and no longer does is because everyone today listens to a very important radio station it's called wi FM wi ifm is not a radio station it stands for what's in it for me what's in it for me what do I gain what is my benefit and the truth is it's been that way since you're little child first thing your parents ask what's the best school for you what are the best friends for you what's the best situation for you what's the best camp for you maybe you went to Seminary everything was about you you you and then you get married and suddenly it's a we and suddenly there's another human being who's equally important whose needs are equally significant and the ability to stretch and learn to take another person into account isn't so simple that's the second reason the third reason why marriages used to succeed and they no no longer do is because unfortunately there are so many UNH wholesome and emotionally fragile people now marriage is an institution but folks it's not a hospital and marriage will not cure any of the normal problems it won't cure depression OCD anxiety low self-esteem poor self-image marriage will not cure that many people think it does and they get married with the Assumption I have an issue I have a problem I'll get married and everything will be wonderful so I'd like to share with you marriage will cure only one single thing that's called being single but other than that it's not going to cure anything now these three problems we're not going to change these are societal problems these are major issues in life life we're not going to change it but I believe there's a fourth reason that we can really affect in a very real reason the fourth reason why marriages used to succeed and no longer do is something we can impact let me share with you what that is I have now at this stage counseled literally hundreds and hundreds of couples at this point probably in the Thousand or above and on a regular basis I'll meet with a couple that'll be in my office and when they leave I say to my wife the following there are a match made in heaven living in geh you see it's not like Hashem used to be very good at this thing called matchmaking and Hashem lost his touch uhuh it's that people no longer understand how to be married they don't understand the relationship they don't understand what's needed and I'd like to share with you a statistic that I don't know if it's 100% accurate but I believe it's true 80% of the G that are written today should not be written again it's not like AEM used to be very good at matching things and no longer is it's that people people don't understand what marriage requires they don't understand what a successful marriage needs and therefore it's really a lack of understanding and that's what we're going to focus on this evening we're going to try to get at Le at least a little bit of an introduction can we turn the lights down a little bit so we can see the screen a little better half the lights down maybe if you could do that without tripping that' be amazing well look at that there like a movie theater it's great yeah oh yeah oh come on isn't that great yeah oh popcorn anymore okay po yeah oh no I can see the men I can't see the women I don't know if that's good we'll find out we'll find sometimes I'm pop on this side sometimes not we're going to find out remember if you get back over there without tripping would be amazing you're really a talent okay so let us begin let us start with some of the 10 really dumb mistakes the very small couples made let's begin with the following par opens up where opens his eyes he looks up and he sees on the horizon three Wayfarers three Wanderers to his knowledge of just Arabs walking the desert he runs out to greet them bows down full sand full face in the sand says don't please do not pass he welcomes him in he stands over them he prepares food he prepares beverage and he stands over them like a waiter at a certain point one of the MIM say to where is s your wife answers she is in the tent now at this point Rashi makes an important observation these were the highest level of they knew exactly where was why did they ask that question because he was going to respond she's in the oal she's in the tent by saying that it would make her more beloved in his eyes it would stress the fact that she's a SN she's a modest woman she's not out there in the public eye by asking the question where is your wife he would respond he he she's in the tent it would emphasize to him her modesty it would make her more beloved in his eyes okay now I'd like to ask a very obvious question the man welcomes you in he prepares food he prepares beverage he stands over you like a waiter and you start asking about his wife that sounds a little bit rude it doesn't sound like a nice question at all in fact it sounds very inappropriate why did the MIM ask this question and if you don't appreciate why this is a very good question I'll share with you one important observation what is the single biggest obstacle to a successful marriage let's put that out as a question what is the single biggest obstacle to successful marriage anyone yeah at least someone knows I have seveny olds also who are seveny old grandkids who know every answer they watch the video book and they know every single one of them down path I have three of them they sit there on the couch and they okay anyway if you ask me the single biggest obstacle to a successful marriage is when I'm self-centered when the world ends and begins in my doas my four cubits when I'm the center of the earth I am a difficult person to be married to here's the problem we're dealing with two of the most other centered people you could imagine the Paradigm of his equal two tremendous sadik so dedicated one to the other the morale says in the course of history there was never a bond between husband and wife and there was between abam and sah so here's the question why did M feel they had to ask this question which might even be rude overstep their bounds to make her more beloved in his eyes they had the near perfect marriage what was the issue and if this question doesn't trouble you let's follow the story line a little bit s is on the other side she's in the oh and she overhears the conversation one of them saying next year this time your wife will have a child inside saying how could this be my husband is too old it can't happen my husband is too old to have children at which point shortly thereafter says to why did s laugh saying that she's too old and that's not what s said what s said was my husband is too old Adon and yet Hashem changed it and Hashem said why did s laugh saying v i s am to old so Rashi picks up on the fact that there's a contradiction here and Rashi explains changed excuse my expression lied why is you're allowed to lie shom and for that reason hasem changed the truth Hashem didn't want AB to hear that Sarah said he's too old so hasem changed the story saying that Sarah said that she's too old I heard my R asked a very significant question on this Rashi when are you allowed to lie for shom if there's going to be a major m going to be a major fight there's going to be something that really causes tremendous tremendous stri on very unusual very unique circumstances you're allowed to lie let's assume for a minute that Abu heard that SAR said that he's to Old have children what do you think would have happened sir call me an old man I don't think he would have even noticed it I don't even think he would have registered AB was at the prime of his greatness every year in ab's life was another tremendous accomplishment by the way he has another 75 years to go at this point in his life he's one of the wealthiest men alive one of the most powerful men alive and every single year of his life was a tremendous tremendous gain tremendous accomplishments I don't think he was embarrassed about the fact he was old what would have happened had AB heard that Sarah said he's too old he would have gone to Pieces asked what was the reason why hasm had the lie so these two questions why did the MIM feel that they had to ask as this question to make her more beloved in his eyes question one and question two is why did Hashem have to change what was the issue okay now to try to answer these questions let me start with a very important question I want to ask you and I'm asking for an answer over here what is the leading cause of divorce today leading cause of divorce anyone marriage is the leading cause of divorce yes 100% true not a single single person has ever been divorced that's correct at least currently but other than marriage what is the single biggest leading cause of divorce anyone want to offer socialia okay lack of money okay money how about children money religion in-laws right there a lot of reasons right I'd like to share with you none of those are the leading causes of divorce there's only one reason why divorce happens the leading cause of divorce is something called fighting fighting yeah but come on it's about the children the money the in-laws uhuh it's not true at all you see it's never the issues it's how the couple deals with the issue that determines their success or failure of their marriage you see my friends it's the climate of the relationship if that relationship is one of love and friendship my way your way we find a way but if there isn't that love that bond that connection that friendship between them very shortly they fight they quibble and it doesn't take much to burn down the house and I'll show you what I mean 70% 70% of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference an irreconcilable difference means a difference that can't be reconciled for instance he has a business in Manhattan she has severe allergies and needs to live in San Diego Chicago doesn't cutter for either of them he wants to bring the kids up in aish way she wants a more of a yes Lish way you can't send the kids to Yeshiva with long curly pay us on one side right an irreconcilable difference is there's no reconciliation there's no Poss POS way 70% of successful marriages have at least one if not more irreconcilable difference yet they're still successful why because somehow we work it out if there's a bond of love if there's a connection if we're in this together we're friends in this we find a way to find we find a way to work things out I'd like to share with you what I mean John Gutman is a marriage researcher he can tell with 94% accuracy whether a couple will be divorced within 5 years and explains his method he brings it them into the lab he puts monitors on both of them he measures everything the respiration their heart rate he videotapes it and he asks them to discuss three topics one topic he calls a neutral topic the other he calls kind of a mutually pleasing topic and the third topic is something that it calls a flasho something that they typically argue about and he's explaining what he explains is he watches for one single thing he plays the videotape afterwards and he's looking for one reaction that's called contempt now contempt is not anger it's not frustration it's a sort of rolling of the eyes he says if he sees one sign of contempt without five positive signs can neg that one that couple is headed for deep deep trouble you see my friends Hollywood got it 100% right except Hollywood got it backwards you see in the world of Hollywood Boy Meets Girl she looked into his eyes and they fall madly passionately in love they fall into love they fall out of love you fall into love you get married fall out of love you get unmarried it's the mystery of life you see my friends Hollywood got it right the essence of a successful marriage is love love is the glue of the marriage but you see the mistake that Hollywood makes is love doesn't just happen love is built and if you'd like to know the answer to this Rashi I'll share with you that's exactly the answer why did ask a question that was rude the answer was Aram and S had the near-perfect marriage 99.9% but the Mal felt it could be even more you gave us food you give us beverage they want to give back we want to increase the love because that's the essence of the successful marriage and if you want to know why Hashem changed had heard sah said that he's too old it would have caused maybe maybe a tiny tiny scratch maybe imperceptible and Hashem says it's worthy for me to change the truth it's worthy for me to lie why because even the slightest slightest scratch in a near-perfect relationship is a terrible issue and my friends there are two Yodas two foundational principles that we learn from this number one love is the glue of marriage and number two shom Bas is Holy so holy that hasem himself K would change with excuse my expression say a lie to protect shom bias okay I get the phone call and it's only too often that I get the same kind of phone call and it sounds something like this Rabbi I I have a problem what's the problem it's my husband what's the problem well he's responsible he's a good guy he learns with the kids he has a good job he takes care of the bills he take I said so far sounds pretty good what's the problem the problem is the problem is I don't love him I don't love him how long you married 10 years how many kids five kids so folks what do you do what do you do when you get the call and the woman says she's married 10 years she has five kids and she doesn't love her husband what do you do so I'll tell you what I do I do what I typically do I ask her the following question I say Madam tell me this last week how many times did you and your husband go out well go out doesn't mean like to Bar mits the wedding how many times did you and your husband go out to connect the bond we didn't okay how about last month how many times did you and your husband go out just to spend time together just to be together we didn't month before that we didn't month before that month before that by about 8 or 9 I stopped and I say don't you understand you guys are like two ships in the night and if you're not going to work on the bond if you're not going to work on the connection guess what you're going to be distant and very very quickly you guys are going to fight about everything and anything and before you know it you're going to be incredibly incredibly apart my friends this is the number one number one of the 10 really dumb mistakes forgetting that love is a glue of a marriage but you see this is the point love requires work it requires going out requires spending time together but not just going out many vacations love notes gifts texts during the day everything that a couple in love need needs to be doing and now I become very unpopular why do I become very unpopular because I turned to the men and I point out something very important gentlemen are you ready it is a husband's role to romance his wife let me say it again it is a husband's role to romance his wife that means you guys plan the dates your responsibility your wife will take care of the child care take care of the babysitter you're responsible how many guys have I heard say I told her if she wants to go out just plan the date I you blew it you blew it why because there's one key message that a woman has to hear that her husband loves her that her husband cherishes her if a woman hears that she'll be happy and if she doesn't hear that at the core of her Essence she's going to be miserable and gentlemen you know what that means you're going to be miserable because a uh a happy wife is a happy life an unhappy wife uhuh don't go there okay now this is the the number one single biggest mistake that very smart people make they stop working on the love they stop working the connection and they wonder why is it that we're so distant why is it that we're so apart and if you don't work on the bond you don't work on the connection guess what you're going to be distant you're going to be a part and I'd like to share with you anaras listen to these words the STI that's K's father the stier wrote these words the main hope of a woman in her world is to have a husband who loves her when she sees that this isn't so it crushes us spirit and can be closed to be gentlemen do you hear this and this is so easy to solve all you got to do is plan the date all you got to do is the love notes the gifts all the thing a couple in love have to be but gentlemen it's your job to plan the dates it's your job to ro at your wife ladies we're going to get to the ladies got things they do wrong also we'll get there pretty soon this is not a guy bashing session over here but this one the first one is up to you guys now um I get the push back Rabbi come on go out once a week my husband start a new job and he's so so expensive who could afford it who has a time I have an answer because I've heard that push back by the way once a week one second how often should a couple be going out once a week not once a month not once a YoVille not once a sh once a week once a week Raab you crazy once a week who has time for that okay you're right it's very expensive and very time consuming here's a quick question how expensive is it to hire a divorced lawyer and the alamon expenses you don't have time how about running two households and trying to figure out which kids thing which night or which place it is the best single investment you're going to make in your shom bias in your children in your family but here's the single biggest ladies and gentlemen I don't have to tell you that children are the biggest BR that you can imagine but I would also like to share with you something very very frightening the single biggest competitor for the success of your marriage is your children why because children require a lot of attention a lot of resources and if you don't learn to set boundaries if you don't learn to say this is our night out I've heard so many times women especially how can I get my my my rcky will never do her homework and and M will never do his work I guarantee you if ruy doesn't know her math equations perfectly and why she doesn't know the she'll be okay but you see you guys are 10 ft tall to your kids you're the center of gravity if the marriage itself starts to come apart it's almost like gravity ceases to work everything starts to be unhinged the single best investment you can make in your children's success is the Shen bias in your house if you want to bring up children to be wholesome and healthy the single biggest best investment you can make is make sure you have a good marriage but folks this is the point they're no shortcuts you really have to do it now it's going to sound crazy but on a regular basis when I say these shocking words that you should go out once a week the push back I get is incredible it's like you how whoever does that who can ever dream and then they come to me with the problems the issues the she's this he's that she's that so let me make it clear all you got to do it's so easy it's um I once had a I once did a marriage Workshop these were 50 couples who had really a lot of trouble a lot of they married 10 years alone longer and had a lot of trouble and I gave him an assignment the first week to go out spend the time together how many went out two out of the 50 I gave an assignment the second said you guys got to spend time you got nothing I invented a term it's called relationship anorexia you know what anex is it's inexplicable a woman a young woman especially she stops eating she doesn't want to eat she starves herself to death it's very difficult to understand but it's a serious issue I believe many people have relationship anorexia I don't want to go I don't want to spend time okay you're going to pay the price ladies and gentlemen this is the first of the 10 really dumb mistakes and it's so easy to cure but gentlemen this one's on you okay let's go on let's go on to mistake number two here we go to understand mistake number two imagine we have a couple woman's over here young man's over here they're walking down the street as they walk he trips and she says I are you okay are you all right that's case number one case number two same couple walking down the street he trips and a reaction is cluts what's wrong what's wrong with you can't even walk down the street right what's the difference between case number one and case number two anyone case number one is their and kala case number two they married already for three years and my friends this is the second of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make forgetting that respect comes first you see it's love and respect if I love my spouse but I don't treat her with respect it's going to be very very difficult for her to love me and very difficult for her to act as a friend to me and therefore you have to work on respect but respect means really working on respect on a regular basis I hear a coupl say things to each other that makes my hair stand rcky that's the stupidest thing I ever heard that's dumb utterly dumb how can you say something so dumb wait do you guys like each other let Al love each other but Rabbi you want us to be formal we can't be formal I don't want you to be formal but you have to speak respectfully by the way one of the best tools for sh bias is is the telephone this is an amazing thing amazing thing the phone rings oh hi how are you oh sure right absolutely 100 okay thanks calling now if you think I'm making this stuff up John Gutman the marriage therapist the marriage researcher he did another study when he brings his couples into the lab and besides asking them to interact one with the other at a certain point he asked the woman to leave and brings in another woman a strange woman who the husband never met and he ask them to discuss a few topics then he brings the wife back in ask the husband to leave and brings in a strange man that the woman never met and here's what he's looking for how do we react to our spouse versus the way we we react to strangers and here's what he finds if you're married 2 years 20 years or even longer we are far more polite to strangers than we are to our own spouse but even worse we argue far less with strangers than we do with our own spouse and if we do argue with a stranger we'll be much much quickly to accept their opinion than we would our own spouse and this is mistake number two not working on the respect in the marriage meaning you have to work on love you have to work on everything that a couple in love need to be doing but you also have to work on the respect and by the way I'm a big advocate for breaking the phone but and this little device has one app on it that is very very good to you it's called the tape recorder put it on one day and supper when your kids aren't around and listen to way you and your spouse converse with each other but listen for your part of the equation and listen to see if you're polite if you're respectful if you're nice and I've seen this on a regular basis people of good people find meos in their own homes for some reason they feel it's okay to let their hair down it's okay to let your hair down but not if it means being rude not if it means not being nice number one working on on the love number two working on the respect okay let's go on to mistake number three I believe that there are three pillars to a successful marriage the first pillar is commitment commitment means knowing that this is the right one for me even though it doesn't look so right now even though it may take some work but knowing that this is the one that's perfect for me commitment comes from a single concept and that is knowing that Hashem doesn't make mistakes Hashem arranged the perfect one for me and because that I'm committed to this Union committed to making it work that's the first pillar of the successful marriage the second pillar is love love we discussed that's a relationship that's the bond the connection friendship love Etc here's the problem many couples are very very committed and they even love each other but they can't learn to live together and this is the third pillar of a successful marriage learning to live together it's commitment love and learning to live together and learning to live together is not so simple let me share with you an example Elizabeth Newton earned a PhD in Psychology from Stanford University for a very creative experiment this was a PhD thesis she had an experiment she made a groups called the tappers and listeners she brought in a few hundred people half of the group she made tappers and half of the group listeners the tappers job it was to tap out a song she took a list of popular song star stangle banner happy birthday the tapper's job was to tap out the beat of the song and the listener's job was to guess the song okay now if you think about it you quickly realize that it's pretty hard to tell what the beat is to what song here's what you found only 2.5% of the time did the actual listeners guess it and you can see the vide tapes the tap will be tapping and The Listener doesn't get it only 2.5% of the time did The Listener ever get it but this is the interesting part she asked the tappers what do you think the odds are that the listener is going to guess the song person after person hundreds of people said at least 5050 at least 50% but you understand what she earned the PHD for it was the theory behind it you see when I tap out a song I can't help but play the song in my mind when I play it in my mind it's so obvious and so how could you not get it what are you da how can because it's playing in my mind when I hear the song in my head I can't relate to the fact that you don't hear it you don't know it and folks this is the third of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make assuming that my experience defines reality assuming that if I know something obviously you know it if I feel a certain way obviously you feel a certain way this is my experience obviously this is reality and I'll show with you two examples of this one a small minor example the other one is a big deal example um to this day one of the interesting things in my my life is shabas morning I typically get up very early the house is quiet I learn it's m a few hours later I bring my wife a coffee in bed she likes having coffee and to this day I go through the following experience as I'm preparing the coffee I reach for the creamer and I have to stop because my wife doesn't like her coffee with creamer she likes it with skin milk but I know it doesn't tastes good it tastes horrible with skin milk at least 4% fat at least something and to this day I for the Crea and I stop and I have to pour the skin milk begrudgingly why because I understand that skin milk and coffee doesn't taste good but here's the problem that's not the way my wife experiences it and understanding that the way I experience things is the way I experience it but doesn't mean my spouse experiences it the same way is one of the keys to growth in any relationship but especially in marriage understanding that I feel one way doesn't make it reality this is a small example a coffee cup let me share with you a much bigger example here we go a young man gets married and he's um he's learning Cola at 6:30 at night he comes home he's about to put his key in the apartment door and he says to himself ah bar I married such a sober grounded woman not one of these flighty Dames ah bar puts his key in the door opens the door walks in and sees his wife up on the chair what is it what what what what what what a cockroach a cockroach kill it do something what a cockroach do something okay he say himself grounded huh okay anyway doesn't think much about it but listen that's what life is all about so hey two weeks later he gets a call he's in the Bas medish he's learning he zamas he doesn't even take a phone into the Bas medish a friend of his brings a phone and says your wife's on the phone you better take the call whats up come home please what's the matter there please come home who what there there are two of them there two of them go what what she wants me to leave the B stop learning to kill two stupid bug steam coming out gets in his car drives home without to put his key in open the door this sh on where are they I hope you're satisfied turns back heads right back to his car ladies and gentlemen here's the question who was right who was right was she right after all she was terrified was he right after all coming home to kill two stupid bugs who was right who was right is an excellent question to ask in a court of law maybe a divorce court but who was right is a terrible question to ask in a marriage a far better question to ask would be what was she experiencing what was going on now I don't know why this is but I have't to have four daughters and two sons why I can't explain this phenomena but the girls were afraid of bugs since they were born and the boys weren't in fact when there was a bug in one of the girls' room they call that baby brother by they just have to make sure he didn't eat the bug but okay I don't know why it is but the boys were not afraid of bugs girls were okay here's the point the problem is what he didn't relate to was the fact that she was experiencing something very real at that moment when she was up on that chair what was she experiencing something called Terror now the problem is in his World bugs are not scary in his world it's a stupid bug step on it and stop it but he judged her based on his experience if you want them to be a little bit more fair we change the case a little bit let's imagine it wasn't her alone imagine it was him alone home in the apartment and imagine it wasn't two cockroaches imagine it was two German Shepherds would he be up on the chair uh-uh he'd be down the fire skape down the block white because German Shepherds are scary bugs aren't but that's your experience but your experience doesn't Define reality and understanding that my experience doesn't Define reality is a key to any human relationship but especially in marriage and this is one of the biggest of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make forgetting that my spouse experiences things differently understanding that my spouse has a different emotional world and when he says he's really bothered by this don't just dismiss it when she says she really really bothers by the way my wife we have BR we have a great marriage I love my wife married 36 years now coming up on 37 and to this day she still asked me the following please close the closet doors what's the big deal it's a jar a little bit what's because it bothers and I sorry why does it bother you it's just a closet door it's not a mess in the house but it does and understanding that it bothers her and she's legitimately troubled by it and it's not a mishos it's not a craziness that's who she is and learning that requires has an awful lot and again this is 36 years into the game and I'm still learning it okay okay ladies and gentlemen are you ready what are the two most important words in your marriage two most important I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry good words I'm sorry they're good words two most important words in your marriage you're right you're right by those important words two most important what who was wrong I'm wrong those are the most difficult words to say I know I was wrong she knows I was wrong I know she knows but I was I was I can't say the word very hard to say but not the two most important words I'm sorry thank you thank you yes dear I was wrong please I'm sorry thank you good no I love you by the way it's three words I did the math I'm mathematician okay every scientific experiment was preceded by an expression most people think before the scientist made the big Discovery he said the words Eureka I've discovered it actually it's not true almost every every scientific discovery was preceded by the words that's strange a fellow took Chemical X and chemical y expecting Z and got a that's strange he researches and discovers penicillin reseearch discovers a new type of rubber almost every scientific discovery was preceded by the words that strange and then the person stepped back looked with scientific curiosity and understood what was going on my folk my friends these words that's strange are the most important words you could say in a marriage why because if you step back and actually try to understand your spouse with scientific curiosity to try to dig in and understand why does it get so bent out of shape when I do X Y and Z why does it bother her so much when I said this if you step back and say the words that's strange you actually can look into the inner World understand them and you might understand your spouse but a very important caveat you say the words to yourself you do not say them to your spouse that's strange you say say to yourself that's strange why did she get so upset all I did was and then you climb into her inner world and you begin to understand it really matters to her when your husband gets all bent out of shape for no reason whatsoever it's just being a guy well guess what you're right he's being a guy but it really bothers him and if you're able to actually dig in and learn the inner world of your spouse you'll have a much easier time being successfully married and this is the third of the 10 really dumb mistakes assuming that my experience defines reality and not learning to understand the inner world of my spouse okay let's move on to number four okay here we go ladies this question is for you ladies what is the single most important ingredient in a successful marriage I'm sorry communication communication trust anyone okay now um it's interesting I've asked this question to thousands of thousands of couples and I've gotten answer from women communication interesting enough Ted Houston is a psychologist University of Texas he studied 264 couples in depth and he asked them this question what is the most important issue in the S satisfaction of relationship and here's what he found almost all the women said communication almost none of the men said that same line as a matter of fact the most common claim you hear marriage therapists say what they hear from women is we never talk and almost all marriage therapist say what they hear from men is all we do is talk talk talk talk talk now somebody's got it right somebody's got it wrong what's going on would you like to know the answer to this sociological phenomena I'll share with you the answer go to a kidish go to a Kish Shas morning and listen to the men talk and listen to the women talk okay let's go we go to the women's side of The Blocking okay and I go to wom inside and this what it sounds like oh oh great talking to okay now let's go over to the men's side men's side conversation sounds like this hey great talking you guy okay why is it that we make all women make all those noises the oo the a oh you need a lexicon to just understand what they're saying what are those noises about validation okay Deborah tannan is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University she wrote a number of very important books and here's what she say she says if you listen to why women talk and you listen to why men talk you'll understand what the listening noises are about why do women talk women talk to create a relationship to bring you into their world to bring themselves into your to to connect that's to ahuh oh o ah ah so what do women talk about they talk about people occurrences what happened what she said what he said oh oh oh okay why do men talk men talk to communicate communicate maybe ideas Concepts doing may talking learning so what do men talk about they talk about politics Sports business money okay so gentlemen are you ready anyone here want to be happy okay we have three people want to be happy okay good four people want to be happy um this is a serious question gentlemen who would like to be happy yeah five people six people all not bad we're getting seven no no you don't want to be happy is your wife here said you go straight to G if you're not happy oh but you live in gam here and it ain't worth it believe me and by the way I got bad news for you you know I women especially say my husband's going to get H uh I got bad news so you go together as a couple yep you spend this world together and the next World too so let's hope your husband's not going to get him let's hope he okay so do you want to be happy yeah happy wife is a happy life so you got to learn the big big you so you have to learn how to talk to your wife you have to learn how to listen to your wife you have to learn to communicate but gentlemen this is the point we communicate all the time amongst guys but the way we communicate amongst guys is very different than Wom wom talk and it's very very good to pay attention to the way your wife talks to her sisters to her girlfriends I know a woman who tells the same story to five different women every night every night every night she goes this one and that one that one five different people and she does the same things over like okay I don't know why but okay anyway so let me tell you rule number one I'm going to give you some tips for talking tip number one is listen listen means listen the average person listens for 17 seconds before interrupting 17 seconds is not a long time now what you have to do is you have to listen but listen to understand listen to relate listen to feel what is she going through what is she experiencing and then have to learn to share so tip number one is learn to listen tip number two this one I learned the hard way I was a rebi uh in Rochester New York High School Reby uh about 15 uh 13 Years anyway um I felt a big part of the re's job was obviously teach the F had to learn but more important I felt teaching guys about life guys who come over to me with life questions issues that have very good relationship with them and years later 20 years later guys will come over sh for the advice you gave me back in high school I use it today thank you so much okay so I thought I did a decent job of reading the situation and giving advice and guy after guy would be very satisfied very happy and I thought I had a decent handle on this and then an odd thing would happen when I'd go home my wife was never happy with my advice it was like the minute I crossed the threshold my IQ dropped 40 points I me like it made no sense and I made the Great Discovery after 10 years of marriage you know why she didn't like my advice she wasn't asking for advice she was asking to share to communicate to bring me into her world to let her know let me know what she was feeling so here is the big you so gentlemen if you don't know the already don't fix a problem just listen just listen just listen just share communicate try to hear try to empathize with her empathy empathize what does it mean empathize empath validate validate anyone invalid over here we validate invalid we inv validate validate oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you know what I'm talking about you know what I'm talking about no yeah yeah it's a hard thing it's a hard thing to learn because I talk all the the time in the male World we'd speak one way and learning to communicate with your wife means learning how to listen learning how to speak and learning how to share so how to listen so your wife talks and how to talk so your wife listens so you do things like how was your day by the way I got married when I was 24 years of age from0 to 24 you know how many people ask me how was my day Zero not a single person asked me my wife get we get married my wife says how was your day I don't know why what happened somebody died how my day I don't know what you mean how's my day okay you know whatever wait what something supposed to be C like how's the day mean nothing happened no nothing happened nothing no we learned whatever I don't know what you nothing you don't talk to me it was but how would your day is is a bid for communication for connection She Wants by the way this is not a joke after 20 years of marriage I realized that I owed my mother Allah Shalom blessing memory an apology I went to Yeshiva and on a regular basis I called my mother and my mother would ask me that question that every Yesa B fears the question is what's new what's new I don't know I learned the new to learn what's new I nothing's new what do what's new and for 20 years I didn't get it you know what she was asking her son left home she wanted to connect she wanted to be in my world she wanted to be a part of my life and she was asking me what's okay you hear what I'm saying okay happy wife happy life learn to communicate Le to talk okay that's it now it's time to get even gentlemen I bashed you twice here tonight right are we going to do something on this side of yeah we're gonna what next seven mistakes next seven mistes someone's counted someone's counting we're up to four already okay mistake number four is this mistake forgetting I talk me some to women let's move over to mistake number five okay here we go now ladies I'm sorry to say this but I think you guys are much more guilty of this mistake it's much more on this side but here we go it is my firm belief that every young woman as she walks down the has a 10o home improvement policy in place and it's that guy under the who is going to be the recipient of that 10-point Home Improvement policy first of all the ties got to go and the sloppiness and the coming late and the dumb jokes now she's got it all planned out now we'll give her credit she behaves herself she doesn't say a word but after they settle in you know about 10 days into the marriage she starts on her home improvement policy you know why your mess is a your desk is a mess okay no I mean you'd be much more efficient if you if you would need her okay and and he doesn't get like all warm and fuzzy even though she's only doing it because she she loves him so it's clear that she he doesn't get it m i mean you know it's it's a big mess and you'd be much more efficient you'd get much more done if if it was neater and he doesn't get all wow it's so nice and feels so low so obviously he doesn't get it so she uses sense hum much mean you mess so messy how do you even find yourself in that mess and he doesn't laugh after the life of her she can't figure out what the problem is so ladies let me make it clear if you would like to improve your husband make your husband better change your husband you're making a fundamental error that will cause you tremendously let me share with you what I mean I get the phone call the phone call is only too typical it sounds something like this sha you got to help me okay what's up what's up it's my husband what's the problem he's 40 years old okay good and he leaves his socks on the floor so what's problem I yelled I yell he still leav the socks on the floor what's wrong with the guy I said Madam tell me something Have you ever mentioned this to him before yeah about 10,000 times so why doesn't he pick up the side that's my question what's wrong with the guy I say okay man let me ask you a very very important question is he a nice guy yeah is he responsible yeah so why doesn't he pick up the this exactly my question what's wrong with the guy I said Madam don't you understand we all have strength and we all have deficits your husband is a put together guy with many strengths many talents many abilities and he also has Kronos he also has shortcomings and if you're going to recognize it shortcomings and you're going to accept that you'll be happily married but if you're going to try to change him you're not going to be happy at all and I told her a story not long before that phone call I've been speaking at a Show's seminar and a fellow comes over and says Rabbi you got to help me I'm a doctor I work in the ER and I'm around these thin young pretty nurses all day long and I'm trying not to look but my wife you know she had her first kid she put on some weight she didn't lose that weight she had a second kid she put on some more weight she had a third kid she's 40 lb overweight and I don't know what to do I offered her nutritionist I offered her an xite plan I offered a guy to come to the and she just won't lose weight Rabbi what am I going to do to get it to to finally lose the weight I said young man I want to ask you a question have you ever met a woman who wakes up one day looks in Mir and says oh 40 lbs overweight just what I always want them to be that's great that's right why doesn't she just use a nutritionist use the exercise plan I said I'll explain to you why right now for whatever reason there's just a little bit too much on her plate three kids might be a big part of it but you have to recognize one reality she is who she is and she's not going to change you either Embrace her as she is or you suffer she's not going to lose the weight you either Embrace her as she is or your suffer I said to this woman with the socks you have a choice to make you either accept your husband as he is or you suffer should your husband work on being needer absolutely but at the same time you have to recognize all have strengths all have weaknesses and guess what that's his weakness okay now folks this became like a a mantra I told the story so many times that at one a little while back I was in Chicago and I was speaking and a woman raised her hand and says RAB shaer do you remember you were here two years ago I said I do she said do you remember what you spoke about I said I don't she said well you told the socks on the floor story and it changed my marriage I said what do you mean she said well in my case it wasn't socks on the floor but it was jackets on chairs Sunday night my husband would wear a suit he'd take that jacket off and leave it on the dining room chair Monday night he'd be wearing a different suit put that jacket on the chair Tuesday night another Jack in The Chair by Thursday his wardrobe was entire wardrobe was around the dining table I said where you stoping I said scream I said yell I said well what happened well you told the socks on the floor story so now Sunday night he brings his jacket leaves it on a chair I take it upstairs Monday night he takes another jacket I take it upstairs I said How's your sh bu now she said it's wonderful I asked the women in that class to stand up and clap why because she got it but why doesn't he just pick up his stuff what we all should be better all should improve um I just need a little bit of water oh I have a little water here look at that so if you are ready to change your spouse I have a little exercise the single most important self-growth excise you'll everever experience ladies are you ready are you ready this takes courage yes or no yes yes ready okay here we go if you would like to improve yourself improve your relationship improve you as a human being I have an exercise I want you to go home tonight when no one's around I want you to look in the mirror I want you to point and I want you to say these words I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with mean I'm obnoxious I'm a difficult no listen we all got stuff I'm either too late or too early or too on time or too whatever we all have idiosyncrasies quirks that's just the reality so why do I need to change him so much because his problem could be so solvable I once had a woman these ladies you'll forgive me for saying this I once had a woman who was ragging on her husband he's this and he's that is this and I didn't take me long to realize this woman was like a a real work of art over here okay so um and at a certain point I said M I hear a lot of complaints husand I recognize a lot of shortcoming but tell me could it be that there are some things that you do that maybe bothered him as well she thinks her says yeah probably but listen me I have to live with him I could change oh brilliant I love it I love it so ladies let me make it clear don't change your husband it doesn't work don't change your husband it doesn't work now why am I beating up the ladies men do it also you know why I'm beating up the ladies for one reason if I stand up in front of a group of men and for 45 minutes say don't do it it never works don't do it it never works don't do it never eventually they say I get it and they stop doing it never once have I succeeded with women never once never but if I love them how can I you think I don't love them I guarantee he'll he'll know that you love him even if you don't change him even if you don't make him better so let me make it very clear ladies don't do it okay now how do I know there's such a problem I was once giving a sh bias by the way the Smo Is Not Just sh bias just of late I went into this little kick because because I wrote this book so I have to go on book tour but um sh deals with all issues of Life do okay anyway bottom line is speaking in a uh in in Brooklyn we did a five-part sh um uh seminar it was each month in shs for five weeks and because it was a very large audience we worked it was after when I was done speaking someone brought around cards and people write questions on the cards and they bring the cards up for me to read okay so in any case um I sent the the cards came up and um the cards really first first came the women's group um okay let me try to get these slides up here watch this okay okay oh we just did that I'm a difficult person to live with I remember that one okay watch this anyway so the cards come up this was the session where I did the socks on the floor don't change your husband don't do it it never works it get everyone's relationship just get people angry okay the very first question I get it reads like this and it's from a woman it says um what if I try to change him by being nice I said no no no don't do it it wrecks the relationship it just gets him angry it never works anyway because you're trying to change his nature you're trying to change somebody that's the essence of him it's not going to work all it's going to do is get him angry get upset and it's not going to okay so next question I get the card says what if I try to change him by having a sense of humor I said no no no don't do it it never works it gets him angry gets him upset it's not going to change anyway it's his nature it's his temperament that's the way he's born that's what he's created you're not going to succeed don't do it the next question is I'm not making the stuff up next question is what if I try positive reinforcement no no no don't do it doesn't work the next question B Guzman not a joke the next question read like this what if I try to use consequences oh that's very good like M you're not getting lunch tomorrow I'll let you pick your socks up that'll get you real far lady okay now I thought I made my point very very clear you could see the video tape of this this video tape I thought I made it incredibly clear that nobody could not get it however I made a mistake this was in Brooklyn I live in Muny it's an hour and a half drive when I got back back M I made the mistake of opening my emails and the very first email that I read go something this Rabbi if I don't try to change about being nice s you posit re enforcement or Consequences how am I going to change him okay very good the next email I read it this like I like a comedy routine the next email reads something like this Rabbi schaer after all the time you spent on this topic isn't it clear we understand what you mean but we disagree oh and she's going to do everything she can to change him with it kills him her and the marriage which it will and so ladies make it clear it doesn't work but you know why it doesn't work because you're trying to change his Essence his nature and if you need to change him look in the mirror and say I I'm not difficult I'm so he's got oh yeah I bet you I bet you if we ask your husband or a team of jury of your peers they okay anyway this is the point you either embrace your spouse as they are or you try to change them by the way what does it feel like to be loved right what does it feel like to be loved so I have a bunch of words I use what does it feel like to be loved respected accepted approved cherished right what does it feel like to be changed uh not respected not accepted not approved not cherished so here's the point I'm going to make it very clear because I don't know if I made it clear yet not changing your spouse means your will against their will why doesn't he change right he's 40 years old why does he change changing is really bullying okay so don't do it okay so I made it clear right okay no no I disagree with you I'm sorry I know right I know I but you know why cuz if I love them how can I let them be that way how can I let them continue it's so important I'm sorry but I feel like change is important and yes everybody should everybody should change and I want you we have to start with ourselves right I want you to change you I want you to work on all your issues and I want to stand in the mirror and say these are my issues 1 2 3 7 10 24 work on them perfect them and when you're done then we could continue but why you know why cuz it's very e I'm going to be this is not nice Raba you're not being nice Raba you're being too straightforward be polite I know like what I'm saying is like this listen the reason why it's so easy to look at him and change him is because why doesn't he just look I'll give you an example I have a guy said to me like this I can't respect her she she's not into health food she doesn't work out with the kids she's not into I I just can't respect her I explained to him that he had a very real problem he was one of the most disciplined people I ever met in my life he WS wakes up 5:00 every morning jumps into a freezing cold shower just to master himself then works out for 45 minutes plans his day then goes to doin he's one of the most strict structured disciplined people I ever met and his complaint about his wife is she's just not so disciplined not so structured I said that's very unfair why because your strength is a great strength it's a great talent but you can't expect your spous to have that same Talent if you have talent strength ability that's great you should continue to flourish with them use them the best ability the reason why it's very easy by the way invariably what is the one thing that you have to change in your spouse it's always I guarantee it's always going to be your strength and your spouse's weakness let's say I'm very very neat it's going to be invariable I can I can't help a notice that my wife would be much much better if she was neat if I'm very punctual I can't help but notice it she's late that's the problem it's always my strength and my spouse's weakness that I noticed and by the way we become experts at what a spouse does wrong we can't help but notice it we can't but see it and we can't help but point it out and guess what it doesn't work but you know why it doesn't work why why doesn't it work because it's because that's his nature it's his temperament ladies and gentlemen here's an honest here's a little moment of honesty over here again I'm bar very happily married I love my wife she's not here to disc to debate it okay but we have a great marriage okay however I am a natural born slob I am I'm I'm just very un I'm just unemp I'm all over the place now it's interesting because I'm very discipline but for whatever reason that's my temper that's my nature now how easy do you think it is for my wife not easy At All by the way every one of these 10 mistakes I could not write a book like this without trying every one of these mistakes and make sure that they worked I tried every one of them and made sure that every one of them is bonafied as a really dumb mistake one of the really dumb mistakes I made was assuming my wife has to put up with my sloppiness now it is true that I worked on myself and it's been now 36 years and I do try to be needer and I do try but she still has to put up with me so here's that sort of balance do I have to work on it absolutely but there's a suit in reality it's not my strength it's not my strong suit and she has to learn to embrace that you me I can't just be Cavalier I can't be callous I can't just say I don't care I have to work in it but at the same time she has to recognize that it's not my strength and by the way as great as my wife is there are things that she could use work on do I do I mention them to her uhuh but why not I should help her if I loved her I want to point it out yeah right try that one at home right you know what I'm saying yeah you know what I'm saying no still disagree all right we'll talk after no we won't talk after because I I know if you it's only out of love and concern if I one second I was talking in um bet gavriel it was a large group and it was T anytime was doing it uh a live stream and a guy brings me his text afterwards he was talking to his wife he was texting back and forth his wife was watching him and the wife sends him a message like this well my rabbitson said that if you see your husband doing something wrong and you don't point it out you're not doing your job as an as and you have to pointed out so I said first of all I doubt the reiton ever said that if she did maybe her husband's A Towing divorce lawyer I don't know I doubt she ever said that because that is the worst advice you could ever give to any human being why because we human beings don't like being criticized we don't like being bossed around we don't like being changed and okay I made my point right yes I am no I am I'm what's called spitting in the wind that's what this is called you know I know it's like talking to death W okay anyway let's do a recap the first point you guys agree with I think right number one the first of the 10 really Dum mistakes is not working on the love the bond the connection that's the essence of the marriage and you got to go out you have to spend time together but it's not just going out it's a text it's a love notes it gives all the things that a couple is your wife text your wife is here she's texting you now she's on that side oh no oh I don't want don't show it to me do not show it to me my rabbit my rabbit and Me by way as um what as con his first year first year AO AO what does AO mean help me right I've searched and I've reached researched every every Aon not once did I see a single P say means police lady boss bully bearder corrector not once a cono means helpmate all right anyway enough number one working on the love and marriage that's the first really dumbest thing number two working on respect because there has to be love and respect number three is understanding that my experience doesn't Define reality the way I experience things is the way I experience things it doesn't make my spouse experiences things the same way and learning to say the words that strange to myself and then climbing into the inner world of my spouse allows me to understand the state number four is not understand that talk means something different to women than it does to men gentlemen this one's on you you got to talk to your wife you got to take her out you got to spend time with her but ladies I beg you please please please don't change him just accept him Embrace him as he is or suffer Embrace him as he is or suffer by the way I have a theory it's a 20-year Theory many marriages it's not most marriages have this first 20 years kind of then suddenly they take off and much better why is it for 20 20 years she tries to change him change him change him fin he's a stubborn a he's never going to change and some he's a nicer guy and sud they get along so much better so don't do it gentlemen don't do it either don't change her ladies don't change husband don't do it okay good now one last little punch line over here oh yeah bully don't bully don't bully don't do that okay um I'm going to go through really quick I just want to leave one point if I could scoop these slides be better W look at this whole review did this review here we go oh wait wait wait wait wrong way wrong way stop that stop that stop that go in okay here we go here we go gentlemen I'm going to make it as simple as pie if you treat her like a queen she will treat you like a king if you treat her like a servant she will treat you like a slave got that ladies I want to make it very very clear ladies very very clear treat him like a king they'll treat you like a queen treat him like a slave uh I am going there you know what I'm saying but that's the point work on yourself work on your by the way I have a 30-day challenge if your marriage is good and you want to make it great if your marriage is you want to make it good or if your marriage certainly is bad I have a 30-day challenge I guarantee it's going to change your marriage dramatically two parts to it number one make sure that you're spending time together you're going out gentleman it's more your responsibility to plan the DAT but as a couple you got to spend time you got to be together number two find one of the 10 really dumb mistakes that you do and work on it stop doing it don't look at what your husband does wrong don't look what your wife does wrong look at the issues if you we only went through five you take the book there are five more go through one find one and for 30 days work on not doing that dumb mistake if you work on the relationship and stop the dumb M I guarantee your marriage improves dramatically it's tremendous tremendous change okay let me close with one last thought the last thought is I'm going to share with you a story um probably the most romantic um story I know of um my I learn um he was about seven years older than the Ritson and he was Ill especially towards the later years and everyone understood what was going to happen the was going to pass away and leave the Ritson as an Alman as a widow anyway that's not what happened the Ritson took ill and very quickly passed away and Thea got up to say a hpit of eulogy at his wife's funeral now we were B had no children we were B were in the house all the time we saw a marriage the respect that the rebon had for respect represent it was unparalleled it was incredible incredible thing to watch by the way I never once heard represent call Thea anything other than the rashash Shiva she spoke to thir at least when we were around the respect was uncanny anyway sha gets up and he says as follows everything we did we did together we built the Yeshiva together went to stroll together everything we did we did together I didn't have to worry about my food I don't have to worry about my medicine everything we did we did together she' be more concerned about my health than I was she was more concerned about me than I everything we did we did together he must have said that expression 12 maybe 14 times and then he said these words I said a hpit I've said a eulogy for my father I said a hpit over my mother I cannot say a hpit for my wife saying a hpit over my wife is like saying a hpit about myself I can't do it he sat down and with those words he defined a Torah relationship one unit bonded connected it takes a lot of work it takes a lot of self-improvement not improving your spous but self-improvement you work on it you do that Hashem helps and eventually you get there that's the goal um I want to thank you again it's a pleasure to be here pleasure to see you in this role take advantage of him he is a tremendous tremendous person um please take a copy of the book and one more thing also if you are anyone here under 30 yeah you're under 30 okay good here we go I made an interesting Discovery people under 30 are illiterate no it's true no I another question I had guys come over it's a great book I love it what page you up to page 30 how long have you had it three months I guys say to me I'm up to page 12 now wait a minute this table of contents this introduction it starts in page 10 he's up to page 12 okay so I made the discovery you 30 years young you are illiterate so therefore what I did was I came out with something called the video book basically I did battle and as I came out with the video book the video book is exactly that it's a it's a video book it's um it's you really he read your book actually each osyn habits our own particular way of doing things making for another [Music] person hope engaging journey of first one love this onee and relationships along the way we're going to meet some very smart couples doing some very dumb things and hopefully we'll learn how to avoid the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart C has made watch this first one I love this first one this is a tale of sha and beny con sha and beny are your All American couple both bright talented and successful both brought up in good homes both confident and goal oriented and both a bit surprised with what marriage has brought them here's Shan's version dating beny was exhilarating he was full of energy always moving he gave me a sense of excitement and Adventure but after 3 years of marriage his ADHD is driving me crazy he's always late he never puts things away and he's constantly forgetting he forget the baby at the store if I didn't remind him why can't he just get it together and as his own take when you were going out I felt like her night in shiny armor she would get nervous and I would step and thr smooth things over if something happened to do her and one of her friends I would Cal her down I felt mobile and gallent rescuing with damel distress but now I feel like her anxiety is over the top every a shop is is high drama and she's the queen why can't she just calmed down Shane and beny spend the next 20 years trying to change other but neither of them are successful all right you got the point it's it's anyway um how much how much okay they're on so if you buy them here the $25 you buy them online the $49 um I have a few copies here and you could PayPal zel or venmo um and but either way please take a book if you're if you're literate and you could read take a book but if not no either way the video book is a lot of fun I again I have seveny old brand three the whole thing there all it's as all time it's the content of the book basic essence of it not as detailed as the book but it's pretty good um but it's very entertaining bring it for your kids I have three I my daughter has twins and my other daughter has a seven-year-old so they're both they're all three the same age they sit no they're not marriage anyway no no watch this all three of them are on the couch watching listening to different parts I have a video tap each one is has one oh you gota watch this one zes and this one this one good got they give their parents marriage advice s okay anyway thank you very much thank you very anyone's interested please here thank you so mucher for coming all the way from in the weather and really dispensing this very very helpful and experienced advice