Rabbi Benzion Shafier | 10 Really Dumb Mistakes That Very Smart Couples Make (Part 2) | CHAZAQ

[Music] want to thank everyone for joining us tonight this very special event I think it shows a lot about each and every one of you that that you coming in on U mon store to learn about um about SE schaer for joining us tonight thank of course the congregation an shom for opening stores being such great partners with in the community of thank Sarah of course for all help let's give a round of applause please I encouraged um to pick up a copy on your way out of 10 dumb mistakes that very smart couples make shaper's amazing book that he be talking about tonight and he has he has a video book as well which he be talking about believe towards the end which is available for $25 and amazing amazing um amazing short clips about the about summarizing the main Concepts in the book and and outside of course as well um there's some as outside cards to have in your wallet or your pocket book as well as Ash cards that hang outside the bathroom that um as we know the power of Ash it's an amazing thing andak of course thank everyone for supporting to the charity camp famous past week as you know this is kazak's 18th year which provides so much amazing programming for men women um children young and know everyone of all backgrounds with organizing amazing events share them of tonight with a major focus on public school Outreach with over with over 20 different after school programs for public school students and a special division called public school which has transferred over 1500 kids from public school yiva over last number of years of course anyone has any if they know of any friends family reles coworkers children Public School Jewish Education and okay so what we're going to do tonight is talk about some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make um some of you who anyone was here at the first lecture we had some people okay good so this is like a part two of it um we'll do a little review but mostly not um tonight's topic actually is how to remain best friends who love each other so let's begin there's a PK that we say uh we're going to move the screen over so we can all see it and uh it's going to be good and it's going to be good and it's going to be good okay yeah anyway this is a this is a gamar in that we quote it's let's listen to what it means be joyful Be Happy Beloved friends but what does that mean Rashi explains what that means the bride and the groom they are best friends who love each other and this is a definition of a successful marriage best friends who love each other uh now to be honest with you I have counseled hundreds and hundreds of couples and one of the questions that I'll ask often usually in the beginning of our conversation is are you guys still friends uh and unfortunately the answer often is not uh and that's quite a problem because this is the essence of successful marriage on a regular basis I leave a couple and I'll say to my wife the following they are a match made in heaven but they are living in gehm but even more than that 80% of the G that are written in our communities should not be there it's not like hasm used to be very good at doing this thing called making matches and hem sort of lost his touch that's not at all what's going on what's Happening is is a lack of understanding what a marriage needs to be successful and that's what we're going to discuss tonight some of the 10 really dumbest very smart couples make and more importantly how to remain best friends who love each other okay folks you ready now we get to work here we go Ram gives us a formula for a successful marriage he says follow this formula and you'll have a beautiful successful marriage each one has their role his role says the r is our sages commanded a man man should be he should honor his wife more than himself and and love her as himself two jobs he has to honor his wife more than himself and he has to respect her as himself okay now did I say that wrong I said that wrong honor his wife more than himself and love her like himself that's his role her role is a little bit simpler her role is so to our SES commanded a woman to honor her husband exceed inly basically she should do anything he should be in her eyes like a prince of nobility and she should treat him with honor now let's make a quick observation here she has one obligation meaning all she has to do is honor her husband exceedingly but he has two he has to honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself and let's ask this as a question is she supposed to be in a Loveless marriage meaning to say um she's supposed to just onor her husband and not be in love with him so the question is why why does the rmom say that and I think when we get to understand this rmom a little bit better it's going to help us understand this institution called marriage so let us begin let me share with you an observation the observation is not a single marriage should succeed every single marriage should fail and I'll share with you three reasons why number one if you have a successful business I have some advice for you if your business grows and you start succeeding more and more bring in Talent if you need accounting help if you need sales help hire Talent bring in talent but whatever you do don't take in a partner why because almost every partnership ends it'll be 5 years 10 years but almost every partnership ends and by the way the only thing worse than taking in a partner is taking in a family member as a partner because then when the partnership ends it's very ugly why because listen two people have different opinions I want to take the business locally you want to go internationally I feel this way you feel that way almost every Business Partnership ends now here's the point when you ask a husband and wife to get married you're not asking them to spend their 9 to 5 together you're asking them to spend their entire life everything they do from the time they get up in the morning till the time they go to sleep at night how they raise the kids where they go on vacation where they go on vacation what they do how they do you're ask them to do everything together and not a single marriage if a Business Partnership won't last more than 5 10 years how do you expect the and kala to be married 20 years 30 years 40 years and be successful that's number one there's a second reason why every marriage should fail and that's because their personality traits are very different the Mayers Briggs personality types what that means in plain simple language is there are many different types of people some people organized in spontaneous some people introverted some people extroverted some people risk ofver some people Risk Takers there are vast differences between types of people when you take a husband and wife and put them together I guarantee in the 16 criteria there going to be vast differences between you guys what are the odds taking two people are so different and putting them together and helping that they will succeed ceed but one very very important point on a regular basis women especially say to me we're so different we're just so different um if you feel that you're different than your husband or gentleman if you feel you're different than your wife I guarantee there's one difference between you guys that outshines any of these differences even if she's high energy you're mellow you like to conform she doesn't there's one difference between you guys that's much greater than any of those and to share that with you let me share with you point number three there was a book that was written about 25 years ago that sold over a million copies the name of the book is everything men know about women it became an international bestseller why is that because when you pick the book up the book everything men know about women you open up you see a 100 blank pages every woman would pick the book up everything men know about women open up say exactly that's what my husband knows about me okay and there's a lot of Truth to that men don't know much about women but I'd like to share with you that women tend to know even less about men there's only one thing that men and women have in common and that is they each have selective Amnesia they each forget how different they are and they forget that they're vastly vastly different so let me share with you how different men and women are there was a study done of public school kids to see the differences between boys and girls so what they did was they did a mixed gender friendship study basically they would ask these children a very simple question the question is name your best friend so they asked children boys girls name your best friend and here's what they found at 3 years of age almost 50% of the boys named a girl as his best friend almost 50% of the girls named a boy as her best friend at 3 years of age mixed gender friendships were pretty common same group they asked at 5 years of old age only 20% of the boys named the girl as his best friend only 20% of the girls named the boy as her best friend by the age of seven zero not a single boy mentioned the girl as his best friend not a single boy mentioned the girl not but vice versa now why is that because when children are little at the age of 2 3 years old they play together well but as boys get older they get into Rough and Tumble games the girls start playing house and doll by the time they're 7 years old they're so vastly different and by the way if you're not sure I'm right try a little sociological study go to a public school go to a public school during recess and here's what you're going to find the boys are off playing the Rough and Tumble games girls off on the other side rarely do the two mixed now they're mixed in classes but when they play they play different games why because by the age of 7 or eight boys and girls are in different worlds they have different interests different things they enjoy different things they want to do but here's the important point to remember when they're 9 years old they don't suddenly come together when they're 10 years old they don't get even closer as they get to be 11 12 13 14 as they get older and older they're in vastly different points by the time a young man and a young woman get married they're in vastly different worlds different interests different appeals different things they talk about different things they're interested in so here's the point take a man who's brought up in his family in his way of doing things and he's fully mature and he's fully knowing how to do things take a young woman brought up in her family with a different way of doing things they're so opposite in gender break a glass say mlto put them together and expect them to live in peace and Harmony not a single marriage should succeed however Hashem wants marriages to succeed and let me share with you something that I think most people miss love is the glue of marriage the glue of a successful marriage is the bond of love and Hashem gave us tools to build that Bond but this is the big KES people assume well we fell in love and now we'll be in love forever uh-uh love doesn't happen love is built and Hashem gave us various tools that help us build them there's attraction infatuation romantic love physical intimacy respect appreciation friendship they all lead to this Pinnacle they all lead to this thing on top called love but they're all part of what succeeds they're all part of the tools that Bond but this is the point a couple have to be in love and they have to do all the things that a couple in love should be doing okay now here's another observation I get a young man a young woman in front of me and this happens pretty regularly I'll say to the young man as follows how's your marriage good I'll say to the woman how's your marriage it's terrible it's horrible wait like you guys married like to to each other right here's the point most men are happily married it's their wives that aren't and that's an interesting observation let me share with you a letter from the styp legon the stip legon wrote this letter the main hope of a woman in her world is to have a husband who loves her when she sees that this isn't so it crushes a spirit and can be close to nees okay would you like to understand the answer to rambam his role is complicated he has to honor his wife more than himself and he has to love her as himself her is much simpler why all she has to do is treat her husband with honor and if as long as he loves her she's going to be happy but this is the main point the main point is that as long as a husband shares with his wife that he cherishes her that he loves her she will be happy and naturally she's going to love her husband for a man it's a lot more difficult it takes a lot more work but this is one of the key differences between men and women by the way as an aside here's a good observation when do women start thinking about their marriage right when does a young woman start thinking about a marriage anyone young age young age about let's say I think by 12 years of age I have four daughters by about 12 a girl has a very clear understanding of exactly how a marriage is going to be okay when does a young man start thinking about his marriage 5 years after the okay and this is number one mistake of very smart couples and that is forgetting that GL the love is the glue of the marriage so gentlemen here we go let's start because we're going to start with the the men will get the ladies afterwards gentlemen here's a question uh do you want to be happy yes no is to the men I didn't ask the women ladies I know you want to be happy gentlemen this is a qu do you want to be happy if the answer is no say no okay I get it say no I just I was in Israel I'm speaking to one group of Americans on Monday night Wednesday night to a group of English anytime any question I asked the American guys i' answ everybody was into it the English guys sat there like this so let me assume that you're not from England anyone here from England gentlemen you want to be happy yes here's theod a happy wife is a happy life and let me say this let me say this loudly and as loudly as I can gentlemen it is your responsibility it is your role to romance your wife that means you have to do all the things that a man should be doing to romance his wife that means the mini vacations the love notes of gifts the date nights text during the day but gentlemen listen carefully don't say to me well I told her when she's ready to go out just book the restaurant tell me where we'll go I'll meet you there you blew it you have to say to your wife in very loud clear words I cherish you I love you and if you're going to say that to your wife if your wife knows that she'll be happy and if not she's going to be miserable most women I believe and ladies you'll tell me if I'm not right most women are insecure about their husband's love most women you know that girl with the Daisy little girl he loves me he loves me not he I think most women at least in the beginning of the marriage the first 30 or 35 years are insecure about their husband's love meaning the first fight or the first ISS he doesn't love me he just doesn't love me gentlemen if you are wise you're going to cherish your wife and you're going to show her in words deeds and action that you love her if you do that she will be happy and you will be happy if you don't do that she will be unhappy and you will be miserable okay you have to do all the things a couple in love should be doing but here's the point gentlemen this one called romantic love this one is on your this one's on you I got to tell you it's it's it's the simplest easiest thing but it means going out how many folks here go out once a week okay how many people how many people go out once a month good getting a little bit there how about once a year once a shmita once a YoVille anybody married 50 years okay let me say this as clearly as I can you have to be doing everything that a couple in love are doing that means to say you have to go out daily weekly at least I mean not daily daily grade also but once a week you have to go out you have to leave the house it doesn't be expensive it doesn't have to be a fancy restaurant you have to spend time together to bond to connect and this is the first of the 10 really dumb mistakes and if you do everything else right in your marriage by the way on a regular basis I deal with couples who are so aligned in principle they want to bring up the kids the same way have the same ideal same but they're so distant and if you're not going to spend time together what's going to happen is you're going to be very dist and gentlemen here's a little you see that guy fishing you know once you caught the fish you don't feed it worms right anybody ever tell you that one right so I got bad news for you if you're gonna take that attitude the fish is GNA stink and you're gonna have to catch a new one because that one's gonna not be good make your wife happy what that means is in word deed and action you have to show send one message he cherishes me that means you have to do all the things that a husband should be doing and this one's so easy and and who's listening to me nobody no no you going when are you planning next date oh sorry not you you when are you planning next date you when are you I say this on a regular basis I say this so often that I'm I if you're not going to do what you have to do anyone here exercise regularly please say yes I work out three four times a week why because I value my health I value having energy and if you're going to listen if you weigh 350 lbs and you smoke two packs of cigarettes a week a day and you have a heart attack at 35 don't go blaming God has why' you give me this lousy marriage hash why' you bring me to this if you're not going to stay healthy you're going to be sick you're not going to be well if you're not going to work on your marriage you're going to be in deep deep trouble and this is the simplest easiest way the mini vacations the love notes of gifts text during the days everything that a couple in love should be doing okay gentlemen that one's on you and you really got to do this and that's a repeat from last session one but I have to repeat it because it's very very sistic okay now this session what we're going to work on is a much more of three pillars for a successful marriage okay there are three pillars to this to the success of marriage the first pillar is commitment commitment comes from the understanding that Hashem does not make mistakes Hashem knows what he's doing Hashem found the right one for you right now it may not be perfect right now may not be work but each of you have to work on it knowing that Hashem found the perfect one for you is what allows you the commitment to the marriage to let it continue pillar number two is love love as I said to you is the glue a marriage most couples really need a lot of work on this you have to spend time on this but here's a simple reality many couples do love each other and they're very committed the problem is that they can't live together and this is the third pillar of a successful marriage learning to live together and to learn this part we're going to spend this evening some time in this area called learning to live together and to do that I want to share with you the four rules of friendship okay here comes the first rule of friendship ready for this one here we go who's the boss in your marriage who's the boss right right I mean come on who's in charge right who wields the power who is the boss anyone thank you very much read that slide look at that Hashem is the boss there is no boss husband and wives are equals now they're equal and opposite by the way anyone read the Milla you can learn shom bias from aashish why a had a little problem with vashi so he asked his advisor what to do his advisers told him what to do kill her and it worked he solved that sh and by his problem and by the way he sent out a message that was right into the shouldn't shouldn't be Chang Rashi says that was the hul that was written into that any woman who embarrasses a husband is to be killed now don't try this gentlemen don't try it it doesn't work it's not going to work don't do it in the world of par and mad it could be that the man was in charge and the woman had to doely listen but it doesn't work it's not our world husband and wife are equal and opposite but this is again the point they're equal Partners equal and opposite but that's exactly the point they're equal partners with different roles no one has K blanch no one has veto power no one has the right to say it's my way or the highway but listen to the way kazal Define a marriage best friends who love each other that means no one gets to say it's going to do be my way no one gets to say I'm in charge no one gets to say I'm the final word here what friends do is friends discuss things friends negotiate matters friends compromise but friends don't threaten intimidate or bully and this is what I'll call for tonight it's really mistake number nine but it's one of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make forgetting that you're best friends and the first rule of friendship is friends don't boss friends around okay that one's pretty good pretty simple right we all got that one good by the way gentlemen do you have a boss your wife around I'll bet you not ladies you have a boss your husband around I'll bet you yes absolutely absolutely unregular nicest women in the world say she's so gentle so kind so nice but it comes to the marriage she's in charge she's I'm in charge and don't M she I said do this now what are you a sergeant you're like the ladies don't do it it's not nice it doesn't work it ruins wrecks a relationship and and again I don't know why it is but sometimes women I I guess women are more responsible they're more they take things more seriously and they feel that they are in charge because if they're not in charge things are get messed up you might win that battle but you're going to lose the war so don't do it friends don't boss friends around even if you're right even if you're smarter even don't do it it doesn't work okay let's get to the second rule of friendship okay second rule of friendship goes like this what happens if someone attacks your spouse okay it's a shabas meal or it's a family get together or something and someone attacks your spouse okay if that happens it is you and your spouse against that person got that it's you and your spouse to get that's that person what if that person is right then it is you and your spouse against that person what if that person who attacks your spouse happens to be your friend sister cousin or brother it is you and your spouse against your friend sister cousin or brother but gentlemen listen to this one very carefully what if that someone is your uncle father or mother um this one absolutely blows my mind it's something it's incredible a couple come to me discuss the problem the they're great everything's perfect except one problem the mother-in-law has parked herself inside the marriage she's decided she that's where she belongs and she ain't leaving so I'll say to the young man fella listen you got to you know you have to explain to your mothers politely you love her you appreciate everything she but she can't be in your marriage she can't just doesn't belong here I can't say that to my mother I can't say it so let me make it very clear if you're not sure that it's right a man shall leave his father and his mother and then he'll cling to his wife it is an obligation upon a husband to make sure that his current marriage his family now is proper is right you have a birth family you have incredible un unmitigated appreciation of what your parents have given to you but your first obligation is to your spouse and it means husband and wife both if someone attacks your spouse it is you and your spouse against that person and no matter what therefore shall leave his father and his mother it's you and your spouse against your world and this is a very big yod it is the second rule of friendship it is you and your spouse together now one little caveat though a big butt there are certain actions behaviors and habits that are unfair harmful and abusive and if that happens then what I suggest is you ask advice but my friends this is the point what is a friend a friend is a support an aid someone who takes your side someone who's in your corner that's that's what a friend is that friends are there for each other and this is the second rule of friendship friends support each other and this means on a regular ongoing basis and by the way let me make some something very clear a guy defends his wife and you know his her brothers let say starts in with them she start and the the man stands up for his wife and he really stands up and does a great job and then they get home and he says Roi you I want just want you to know I stood up for you against your brother but I I want you to know really you were wrong wrong he was right and you were wrong what did he do he blew it why because your spouse isn't going to hear from you that she was wrong and gentlemen ladies it goes both ways you have to be there for your spouse you have to SPO but who's going to teach them you're not going to teach your spouse you're not going to be their Mentor their Reby you're not going to help them your job is to support them your job is to be with them okay so let's move on so those are the first I lost you hold on wait wait can you repeat that yes I can so if you think your husband was wrong but you didn't want to embarrass him in front of everyone in the family and you tell and you go home no and you go home and you seal your lips you don't say a word but how is he going to know I'll tell you one thing he's not going to find it out from you cuz what's going to happen if you tell him they get upset but why why can't he just be mature like me so I'll let you know the clue because if you were the receiving end of it you wouldn't receive it too well either um human beings are incredibly sensitive to our own pain but we don't understand others people's pain um is your husband here you talking to me yeah yes I'm not going to ask no I'm not going to ask but do you hear what I'm saying your job is not to teach her one let's move on you have a good marriage I'm sure I'm sure you have a great marriage I'm sure you have a great I'm sorry I should really I got to be careful but okay let's move on to the third rule of friendship because this is going to really this is going to make this it's going to amplify this point here's the third rule of friendship it jump Kipper and 2:00 in the afternoon a woman comes home sees a husband on the couch and there he's eating a ham sandwich he's eating a ham sandwich has a cigar in the other hand what is any self-respecting woman does she points say put that down right now put that down to jump Kipper what are you doing eat a ham sandwich smoke your cigar and jump Kipper what's wrong with you okay here's the question was she right was she right now listen I don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize eating a ham sandwich on your ker is not exactly uh the right thing to do but here's a more important question did she do the right thing did she do the right thing so here is the point she has every right to demand that he stops if she were his Rabbi his mentor his mother but guess what she's not she's not his Rabbi Mentor or mother she's an AER cono a best friend who love each other a support but listen very carefully a best friend is not a mother rebi boss traffic up six3 teacher M Authority now don't get me wrong there may be certain points in a marriage where they're so apart that they may have to think about it might be time to separate but one thing for sure if you're going to sit there with the finger point and say you stop it now you're going to wreck the relationship and this is the third rule of friendship the third rule of friendship is that friends don't teach their spouses friends aren't their rebi their reiton their mother their father their Uncle a friend is a friend the support one who supports their friend one who's there for them and anyone know what I'm talking about here okay um okay let's leave it that way trying to change a spouse is one of the dumbest things that and by the way everybody does it everybody does it it's my firm belief that everyone becomes an expert at what the spouse does wrong usually it's going to be my strength and my spouse's weakness and I can't help but notice all the time how she'd be more effective if she were X fill in the blank whatever your strength is and her weakness is and you can't help but point it out can't help but notice it and it wrecks the relationship and it really doesn't do much good okay so anyway ruim best friends and love each other and the third rule of friends are that friends are not their teacher not the mother not their Uncle not the traffic H friends are friends fourth rule of friendship here we go fourth rule of friendship is that friends are tolerant and forgiving even when your friend messed up was dumb or wasn't nice and let me explain to you what I'm talking about here is a question let's open this to the floor what is worth fighting about in a marriage what's worth fighting about religion religion okay what's worth fighting about nothing who said that what' you say nothing nothing oh nothing oh yeah why because if you lose you lose and if you win you lose right it's your best friend and lover that you just vanquished and she's not going to be very appreciative of don't fight don't fight don't fight you discuss negotiate compromise but don't fight now that's um that's the advice that I give to couples but guys I got a little piece of advice to you don't fight for a different reason don't fight because I guarantee you're going to lose why because you're fighting with an eth degree black belt like this is her right and this is you right right I mean she's going to remind you about everything you did wrong since you were in diapers right everything you've done wrong she's going to bring up and here's an inter question you ever lose a fight to your wife why is it how is it possible every detail of everything you've done wrong she recalls remembers and spits it right out there and you can't remember a single thing why is that anyone have anyone ever bothered by that question the ladies are laughing the guys aren't why aren't you laughing I'll tell you why here's an interesting point women don't have better memories they've done index studies they've done studies across all areas academics in terms of math in terms of science in terms of social studies women do not have better memory than do men how's it possible she remembers every detail of everything you did wrong and you can't remember a single one so here's a single observation uh what happens now not to you guys but um imagine we have a typical husband and wife and they get into a fight here's a question I like to ask uh how many times during the day did you think about that fight so we ask the men how many times during the day did you think about the fight what's the answer I didn't right listen I went to work I I just you know husband say you know I didn't think about it right ask the wife how many times during the day did you think about that fight I couldn't stop thinking about it right it came over see it's not that your wife has a better memory it's that that played over again and again like a tape in a brain what you said and all the word now keep in mind the word she said to you she doesn't play in her brain but you said back to her meaning she she doesn't hear that but she hears that so every word you said now you may have been defending yourself but she hears it it plays again and again so don't fight the rule is don't fight how you stop how are you going to stop that we're going to get to that we're going to get to that I'm we're going to get to that I'm not going to okay but reality flash number one is as follows unfortunately you will fight uh it's part of life reality flash number two the person that will hurt you more deeply than you've ever been hurt in your life is your spouse the person will get you angrier than you ever been in your life is your spouse but here's the point that doesn't mean you don't have or can't have a good marriage you see marriage is the closest relationship in existence you're so connected emotionally what happens is when you're that connected emotionally you're both very vulnerable you both have needs expectations s sensitivities and it's in variable that you're going to hurt each other and it's not just anyone who hurt me it's supposed to be my best friend and lover so the simple reality is that you're going to fight but I want to share with you some of the things that will hopefully help but first of all important observation this is a very important point the quality of your marriage isn't based on whether you fight the quality of marriage is if you know how to make up and move on now in the book we have a lot of these things that deals with how to get past things the art of the apology the art of you know how to make up and move on but here's the fourth rule of friendship the fourth rule of friendship is friends don't that's the first rule the fourth rule is this one here's the fourth where' the fourth one go we don't have the fourth one there we go friends are tolerant and forgiving that means even when your husband messed up even when your wife blew it again even when something happened friends are tolerant and forgiving but I want to share with you what do we do how do we make sure that we fight a lot less often and that's your question right so here's the uh here's the first observation what do couples fight about so if I ask you what do couples fight about what's the answer everything what do couples fight what what are the issues that couples fight about anyone I'm sorry children children religion money in-laws uh-uh it's never the issue it's never the issue couples never fight about the issue it's the Pain by the way you ever notice most fights between couples about the stupidest little innan things they usually can't even remember the next day you got into a major fight fighting fighting fighting what what's the fight about I don't know so what are you fighting about the answer is it's never the issue it's the pain that's caused it's the fact that how could you do that to me how could you after what I've done for you how could you and but by the way there a very real difference between men and women in the fight um any guy ever experienced this one you get into fight not you guys but you get into fight with your wife what do you each experience so the woman is going to walk away with one feeling h with another one husband is going to walk away why is she so disrespectful I don't speak to that way her that way I speak respect why does she speak that way the wife is going to walk away with a very different experience he doesn't love me he just doesn't care about me he doesn't love me and by the way an important observation um ladies tell me if I'm not right most women especially in the beginning of the marriage get into a fight with the husband and have the Fallen clear understanding our marriage is in deep Jeopardy it's over we're done we're in deep deep trouble with in trouble now really that's not all what's happening all couples fight it's just a part of the game you make up but to wom it's not that way so gentlemen I want to share with you an interesting point this is not not how to fight but a big you sod if you are in a fight with your wife and especially if you're going to Stone Wall if you're going to like close off the conversation end with these words you're the most important thing in the world to me I cherish you more than anything right now we're not good right now I can't continue this but I want you to know we as a couple of good if you end the fight you don't end the fight that way but if you stop with those words you're going to be a lot better off your wife is going to feel much more secure much happier but the problem is if you don't end with those words she's going to be in a sense of great insecurity okay so now let's to begin how do we prevent the fight so let's start with the following um this is aazar for anyone who read the book and this is Kazar for last session what are the two most important words in your marriage I'm sorry I'm sorry nope I'm sorry sorry I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong are the hardest words to say I was I know I was wrong she knows I was wrong I know she knows but I can't say it those are the hardest words those are not the two most important words in a marriage anyone remember this thank you thank you those are good words you're right you're right those are good words and also not the most important no one remembers no one read the book who read the book take the book home and read it I should stop here and send you home to read it okay every scientific discovery was preceded by an expression every scientific discovery before the man discovered before the woman discovered it he said an expression most people think it's Eureka I've discovered it it's not true before every scientific discovery the person said that's strange he took Chemical X chemical y mixed them expected Z and said got a that's how penicillin was discovered that's how vulcanized rubber was discovered almost every scientific discovery was preceded by the expression that's strange the most important two words in your marriage are that strange the next time your wife goes into one of her emotional situations you say the words that's strange next time your husband acts cruel and callous you say that's strange why because when you say that's strange you're able to step back and with scientific curiosity you're able to look at things and you're able to actually understand your spouse so the two most important words in your marriage to say are the words that strange because when you say those words you're able to ask yourself why would a sane sober woman suddenly get all bent out of shape why would a guy who's normally considered and responsible get all callous and cruel when you say that's strange you're able to open yourself up to understand the world of your spouse but a very important caveat you say the words to yourself you don't say it to your spouse you don't say that's strange you say it to yourself and then you ask yourself why does he react that way why is he doing that and when you do that you actually begin to understand your spouse a little bit better so those are the two most important words in a marriage what are the next most important words in a marriage anyone know this one this one you have to read the book for the next most important words in your marriage are the words ouch ouch ouch I'll explain to you why ouch is a legitimate expression of pain but you know why it's so helpful explain to you why it's so helpful why did your spouse do what they did did they intend to hurt you meaning did he come home intending to ruin your day did she come home intending to stab you in the heart now if you married a satus or a narcissist that might be true okay unless she's a satus or a narcissist she didn't say those words to hurt you or she wouldn't have done it when you say ouch what you're doing is expressing legitimately an expression of pain but you you understand why it works because again unless your husband is a creep unless your wife is really nasty she didn't mean it when you say ouch what you're doing is you're expressing the fact that you're hurt the problem is normally we don't do that normally instead of saying ouch we express anger we express back we start fighting back and before you know it you deep down the uh deep down that rabbit hole so the first most important words in marriage are that strange the second words are ouch when you train yourself to do that what happens is you able to stop most fights anyone know what I'm referring to over here what happens invariably you're going to hurt each other invariably people going to say things they didn't mean to they intend to but that's just the way it is the climate of the relationship is the essence of a successful marriage love and friendship has to be there love is a glue of marriage but this is the point love doesn't happen love is built and there are many tools that Bond you have to use the tools that Bond and you have to learn to avoid the fights now now we're going to move on to another very important tool that bonds we'll move on to this one called appreciation okay here we go appreciation let me share with you an interesting story a woman comes to me and she has the following problem he does nothing for me nothing absolutely nothing as soon as it kids get older I'm leaving him I'm getting divorced okay now I happened to know this couple pretty well and happened to know that they lived in a very nice house drove a very nice car and I then asked her the following tell me your kids go to Yesa yeah y uh do you know how much your husband pays for Yeshiva tuition so she didn't so I helped her with the math and I figured out that she pays about $100,000 a year for his kid Yesa tuition but here's the point those are after tax dollars that means he's got to earn at least $130 $135,000 just to pay for the Yesa tuition for his kids so I said to Madam do you appreciate what your husband does for you meaning what he's doing is he's slaving all day I said to does he have like a is he a does he have a huge inheritance he's got a $100 million in bank no what does he do he works very hard he basically leaves early in the morning works all day doesn't take a break during lunch what is he doing it for he's doing it for you for his family for his kids now don't get me wrong he's missing out an important point because he's not sharing with her the fact that he loves her that he cherishes her and it's something he's missing but she's also missing a very important point and that is she is forgetting that everything he's doing he's doing for her ladies let me share with you I know many men who will take a bullet for their wife they'll do anything for their wife and the wife says he doesn't love me he doesn't care about me now again gentlemen it's your responsibility to express in words that your wife needs to hear that you cherish her that you love her but ladies it's also your responsibility to appreciate that what your husband does for you which includes working being responsible taking care of the kids and everything else and it cuts both ways you see there are two aspects to this appreciation element appreciation means realizing what my spouse does for me and appreciating but there are two parts to it number one to learn to appreciate I was once doing a um what I call the marriage transformation boot camp these were couples who all been married 10 years plus and were having a lot a lot of trouble I had about 50 couples it was a zoom thing before each before I began the whole uh series I interviewed each couple and I spoke to them and I got a chance to speak to him separately herly and I realized what I was dealing with anyway I began talking about working on the relationship working on appreciation Etc by about the third week I realized I was getting such negativity and such dis dissatisfaction I did something interesting I spoke to a group of older singles and I asked them to record for me what it's like to be an older single in the from community and if you would hear the descriptions it was incredible you know it's like to be 35 and to be single you don't know where to place yourself every yis a murder every time a niece gets engaged you're feeling such pain I played those tapes for these couples because I wanted them to realize what it's like to be not married and therefore appreciate what you have is is your spouse perfect no but if you learn to appreciate what your spouse does for you life is a lot better but number one you have to learn to appreciate it but there's another aspect to this you have to learn to uh Express that appreciation meaning you have to learn how to be in love with your spouse and to help your spouse be in love with you now here's an interesting exercise ladies I want you to think about this for a minute what would your life look like now without a husband right so just imagine just imagine whatever age you're at now and you didn't have a husband what would your life look like and I guarantee it would not be pretty as you think about that realize everything your husband does for you you realize that there is a deep debt of gratitude that you have for your husband and you begin to appreciate it but you have to really think about it gentlemen this one's for you uh anyone here appreciate their wife so if you don't have a little excise to do I want you to make a list make a list of everything that your wife does for you now likely if you're going to make that list you're going to need a couple of pieces of paper because it's going to be a long list of things that your wife does for you but you see if you make that list and then read it what's going to happen is after a while you're going to read that 10 times a day for 30 days you're going to have a sense of appreciation of your wife ladies applies to you gentlemen applies to you but watch what happens if you then express your appreciation Life Changes listen to these words you are the best thing that ever happened to me I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world you are so responsible I always feel cared for you're so good with the kids you are the most amazing wife mother husband father support but you see you understand what I'm saying number one when you focus on what your spouse does for you you feel a tremendous sense of appreciation number two you're able to express it you're able to tell your spouse and thereby you're able to learn to love your spouse and thereby allow your spouse to love you but that's the goal to be in love with your spouse and to have your spouse be in love with you but you see folks this is the point love is built it's not just something that happens not just something that you just you get married and you're lucky or you're not lucky love is built but you have to work on it you have to work on avoiding the 10 dumb mistakes you have to work on the tools that Bond that's all these things and you have to work on avoiding the things that cause a lot of trouble okay so we got appreciation we got working on the romance that's the gentleman's part we have the four rules of friendship and now we're going to move on to really dumb mistake number 10 this is the biggest of the 10 really dumb mistakes okay here we go a woman brings a major Shalom bias problem to me what's a major shom bias problem he doesn't speak to me he won't say for three weeks him mom shuts me out he won't talk to me I asked her why I don't know I'm a good balabusta I clean I cook I take care of the kids and he just won't speak to me I said uh why do you think that is she say well maybe maybe it's cuz I'm smarter than him I said oh uhhuh I didn't want to know where this one was going I said Okay I want to meet him let me let let me meet him anyway I expected this guy to walk in with overalls uh grease covered hands or something like that walked in a finely just gentleman reasonably articulate even reasonably learned and I quickly realized that something else was going on I asked him to describe life and I heard a little bit of a different story and would you like to know what the story is this woman was probably the most self-critical human being that I ever met when she got married she generously included her husband in her self-criticism and therefore everything she said to him was a negative was a put down you could have do this better he can't open his mouth without her pointing out something that he was doing wrong so here we go he doesn't speak to me because what he's do what you're doing all day long to him is stabbing him and this is the 10th the really 10th and really dumbest of the 10 really dumbest stes criticizing your spouse but what if he doesn't realize you're not going to point it out to him but what if he doesn't know first all he does know but he's not going to accept it if you're going to criticize your spouse it just doesn't work again we become experts at what a spouse does wrong but it's a big problem now one last step I want to last step anyone here ever hear of constructive criticism constructive criticism okay let me share with you my observation constructive criticism what do constructive criticism and fairy tales have in common what do constructive criticism and fairy tales have in common they both never happened but some fairy tales have Happy Endings ooh o do you hear what I'm saying but I'm only doing it because I love him don't do it don't do it because it wrecks the relationship don't do it because mess don't do it constructive criticism doesn't work it's just damaging to relationship it just doesn't work it doesn't work it doesn't work so here's the question should I bring it up I have a complaint I have a problem I'm have an issue should I bring it up so here's the point whatever bothers you I guarantee there are five things that bother him as much so as much as you can you put it you keep it you accept it now there will be some things that bother you and you really need to express it then you communicate but you communicate and we'll have to discuss that that's in a book how to communicate but criticism doesn't belong in a marriage all right so let's recap quickly and let's see what we got here we have um oo one second let me go over here oh let me jump forward I don't want to skip this part it's going to get a little nasty okay here we go uhhh uh anyone want a good marriage here we go anyone want a good marriage yeah okay gentlemen a very simple formula would you like a good marriage it's very simple treat her like a queen she'll treat you like a king treat her like a servant she'll treat you like a slave okay got that ladies want to good marriage yeah no say no yeah okay here we go treat him like a king he'll treat you like a queen treat him like a Slave oh we ain't going there forget it it's going to be very very don't do it but you hear what I'm saying all you have to do is recognize there's a mirror to the relationship the way I act to my spouse is what I'm going to get back if I act nice sweet and considerate that's what I'm going to get back if I act whatever that's what I'm going to get back and it's really as simple as possible but you have to really really avoid the 10 really dumb mistakes let's do a quick recap the three pillars to a successful marriage this commitment that comes from knowing that hem doesn't make mistakes AEM put you guys together because you belong together the call the marriage the it's the ultimate training school in character development why because For the first time in your life you have to take someone else's interest into consideration even when I know they don't matter even when I know she's acting dumb even when I know he's acting like a just a guy but that's not the point it matters to him it matters to her learning to put someone else's interest someone else's Desires in front of your own takes a lot of work and it is very difficult but the first pillar of a successful marriage comes from commitment commitment is because knowing that hm doesn't make mistakes the second is love love means everything that a couple in love have to be doing and you have to build a love and the third is learning to live together learning to live together you have to remember your best friends who love each other and the rambam gave us formula his job is he has to honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself if you remember to do this what happens is she's happy as long as she knows that she's cherished as long as she knows that you love her life will be good but that means the dates the notes the gifts all the things the couple in love have to be doing she has a job also she has to be honor her husband exceedingly four rules of friendship number one friends don't boss friends around number two friends support each other number three you're not your spouse's teacher and number four friends are tolerant and forgiving okay now I want to finish I'm going to take questions in the end but I want to finish with a story this story is about re R AER AER was one of the greatest Aron he lived in the 1700s roughly and he was a tremendous tremendous leader in the class role and a tremendous gone and he wrote chuvas that are incredible he was learning totally involved in learning anyway his wife passed away when his wife passed away he got a letter from someone who was proposing a that he should get remarried and he wrote back this following letter to this person who proposed a for him these are the words how can I answer you all my senses are confused I can't concentrate on anything how can I forget the love of my wife the wife of my youth my pure Dove who Hashem blessed me with we produced wonderful children together she raised them to Torah she's supported by every effort she cared for my health and wellness with whom shall I share my worries and receive Comfort who will look after and care for me but wait he continues here's where he goes on as you can tell I'm a Broken Man in a dark world I have lost all pleasure I accept hashem's decree but I cannot answer any questions now the tears make me unable to read I did everything in my power to care for my wife and keep her alive and I'm too weak and in grave danger I'm unable to eat I can barely keep anything down I can't sleep I can't Davin without distraction I can barely learn this man was the ultimate M the tremendous tremendous G of his generation was broken because that's a Torah marriage one unit together it takes a lot of work you have to learn to avoid the 10 really dumb mistakes you have to work on building love to learn on rules of friendship eventually you work on it you get there and everything is good okay now questions thoughts observations for or against Rabbi I love what you said but I have something yes um back to that little uh like you had mentioned that if you disagree with your husband you don't do it in public mm but you don't do it in private which I disagree with well the way that my husband and I structured honestly is even to our kids we tell them don't say it right away wait a few days neutralize the emotion kind of good and I think with that I think it's also a level of reciprocity I mean he expects me to be I think it's more of an appreciative thing not that he would who's your husband raise your hand please yeah do you appreciate it to be critical I shouldn't say that you do wow no but he was to be critical and you guys are great I'd like to clap I've never met that never had that before never once never once have I heard a guy say I appreciate when she points out my flaws my mistakes no no no no no that's that's not what it is oh but in reality what is it like what kind of stuff well argument argument that she's taking my side sir right right and let's say we win the AR but at the end of the day you might say you know what you wasn't really that right you w really that right but yeah that's great I love it I love it uh let me tell you the rule as as a husband and wife don't I mean wouldn't you think that wouldn't you want your wife to I'm not saying to point it out but there has to be some what there's a way to say it say there's a way to speak there there has to there has to be what why are we married you know you're married to support to tell not to correct not to be agreeing with him yeah yeah yeah you're right you're right no and it's no so it will be a an AV it would be a terrible disservice to your husband right it be a disservice I'm not respecting him right exactly exactly I'm trying to say so the divorce courts are filled with the people who make that claim I'll explain to you why I don't know any I'm saying it not you guys you guys are great and that's and hasem should help and should continue but what happens is we human beings are very sensitive I don't want my best friend my lover to point out what I'm doing wrong especially likely I know it by the way anyone here have any flaws no good okay nobody okay so for you guys who don't have flaws you won't understand this but most of us have things that we need Improvement on but most of us are very aware very much aware of it I don't need to hear it I don't I know it I'm aware I don't want I just don't want to hear from my spouse my love meaning it never helps it's not like you know um I don't know what to tell you it's um no if I'm going to hear it every day definitely going to ha it it's not even every day all right so I don't know what you guys are talking about but usually what happens is people each spouse feels they're responsible to make their spouse better to improve them to help them to help them understand how to grow and usually what happens is it's a disaster and all you have to do is just ask yourself what happens in the relationship it almost never ends well um if it works for you guys great continue it I I think um but just if you ever find your husband getting a little distant and cold maybe it's then just uh think about it in other words you see a wife is not a um teacher he um rabbitson uh role model guide it just it it wrecks the relationship um gentlemen any know what I'm talking about uh I I I know listen I'll give you a good for instance I I love doing I work on doing and I'm very very into doing I also come late I come late everything I was born late I'll probably die late but okay that's good um and I come late to Ding and when I come late to doing I beat myself up first of I'm I'm a rabbi and people look at me and what's wrong with you you come late I love D what's okay one time one time in our marriage my wife said to me you know maybe if you close the gar now you might be on time to doming now I didn't yell I didn't but she saw of look um she never said it again why why didn't she say it why doesn't she point it out to me what's the answer to that why doesn't she just point it out to me why not what's the answer I know it I beat myself up all the time I don't need the the extra I don't need it it doesn't help it doesn't make it it just doesn't get anywhere it's not like you know if you if you don't I never met somebody who has a really bad habit that's ruining their life oh I didn't realize it oh my wife told oh she now I get oh now I thank you for opening my eyes it's not quite the way we human beings work I know it I so why don't I just change change is very difficult I should work on a lot of things being late is one of them but what I'm going to tell you that's just the way we human beings are so um okay other than you ladies don't do it don't if you if it works for you do it ladies don't do it it doesn't doesn't work doesn't help question so yes sir how do we let each other know what's bothering us I'm bothering her something she's B me with okay good that's a fair question so first of all the five things that bother you you try to accept as much you can accept much you can but there's something that really bothers you and really upsets you so here's the rule of Communication number one Not In the Heat of the Moment not when you're angry not when you're Furious number one uh there's in the book there's the four four rules but number One never he a moment number two it's IE statements I feel badly I am hurt I I'm embarrassed number c it's you got to be nice C is um C is compliments first you're the best thing that ever happened to me I love you you're so great you're wonderful but there's one thing that be extra helpful and number four e of nice is effective communication begins softly you start soft but here's the point let's say you have something and you communicate you use the four rules you nice never need the moment eye statements compliment first effective communication begin smart begin soft you said it you said it to her does she know it let's assume she knows it you get one more time to say it and after that you know what you do but obviously she forgot otherwise she would why why does she keep doing it if she keeps doing it you see obviously if you told her once she gets it she knows it you told her twice she really gets it so why is she still doing it the answer is because we human beings do things it's not so easy to change it's not easy to be different um anyone here very neat married to a spouse who's a little bit sloppy no not you okay good yeah okay um my wife made an interesting Discovery um when we were engaged I heard on the phone with a friend of hers that saids sounding something like this you know I I know it can't be I I know no one's perfect but I'm telling you he's perfect now I overheard this conversation I wasn't going to be the one to tell her she's in for a rude awakening but she was in for rude awakening now what happened was and this is not a joke this is exactly what happened on the fourth date I drove the r of my rebi Reb leitz somewhere and before I came to pick up the r there was some junk in the car in the front seat which it usually is and I quickly took it and put it in the back it was a hatchback put in the back you know brought the r in set him down okay that night I went out with a date and somehow I opened the hatchback and my wife saw some junk in the uh in the back and uh she said what's this mess about it are you neat am I neat of course I'm neat I was saying it a joke cuz I'm a born slob anyway we got married and my wife discovered that I am a born slob now do I try to work on it I do um am I good at it no so what is she going to do with me so she has a choice now again I'm not excusing my behavior and I try to work on it but the simple reality is that's not my strong suit so she has a choice she either accepts me as I am or she suffers because I'm not going to change but why not if I was a mench I would what am I going to tell you it's human nature we all have stuff um I have an exercise anyone want to work on a marriage yep anyone work on self-growth okay here a very good exercise you go home later when no one's around look in the mirror point to the mirror and say these words I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with you mean I'm obnoxious I'm a flawed human being no we all have stuff we all have ID idiosyncrasies too neat or to opposite too on time or too late to introverted to extroverted we all have stuff but you see when you recognize that I got stuff you're able to then accept the fact that your spouse also has stuff I have to accept me I have to accept my spouse by the way the worst line I ever heard is from a woman a woman was going on about her husband ragging on and on he's it didn't take me long to realize she was a very difficult person so after she finished her terate I said Madam I I hear you have many complaints about your husband I I get that but tell me could it be that there's some things that you do that make it a bit difficult for him as well she thinks a minute she says maybe but me me I have to accept him I could change you couldn't have said it better that's how we all are me I got my flaws but me I got to accept my husband I could change so it doesn't work it doesn't work it doesn't work it fails it ruins the relationship it doesn't work um don't do it um so so the answer to your question you communicate you allowed to communicate you make sure you use the four rules you communicate once communicate twice after that assume your wife has an IQ of 80 or above she gets it and what you're going to do by mentioning it again is just annoy her but it's not right why can't she just because you also got stuff but it's not right yeah I understand we're all not perfect we all are floyed human beings and learning to embrace your spouse as they are is one of the keys to successful marriage um thoughts observations questions yes based on your experience um what do you think would be different in the marriage or help the marriage going out once a week versus once a month so creating that bond that connection making sure that you guys see in the business of life especially when you have kids there's so much going on that you don't you forget how to how to remain lovers you forget how to remain a couple who are you know you know what I'm saying like you have to go out get away from the noise away from the busyness and just spend time together if you don't do it once a week what happens is you just we all get busy we all get stuff we have careers and kids and things and by the way we are busier today than ever in the course of history there's never been people so busy what are you going to do if you're not going to make time for your relationship you're not going to make time for your marriage your marriage is going to suffer now can you go can you get away with it for a while yeah but eventually you're going to pay the price so I I think it's it's the best investment you can make but it means going out it means leaving the it doesn't mean going to an expensive restaurant it means spending time in the summer it could be just going to a park going for walks But A Long Walk at 2 hour you know we spend time together you talk you connect you re re you know rejuvenate the bond and you spend time together that's uh questions thoughts observations question like this I'm sorry question like this so you said cannot save my way of the highway obviously it's bad but sometimes there is a decisions that need need to be made in the family very real lot of time most of the time you can compromise there's certain things that the wife wants one way want the other way and it's like you can't let it go you it has to be certain way the way you feel and she believes it that way what do you do and certain circumstance you cannot say compromise it just you can't like for example which I'm using as an example it's not my case which school you send the child to she wants ABC and you want a BBC and you have reasons to share the nobody compromises okay what situation like that 70% of marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference an irreconcilable difference means that difference that can't be reconciled he has a successful business in Manhattan she has severe allergies needs to live in San Diego you can't Chicago doesn't cut for either one uh he he wants to bring the kids up in aish way she wants a Lish way you can't send the kids to Yeshiva with long on one side right there's no reconciliation 70% of successful marriages have at least one if not more irreconcilable difference but they're still successful why what do you think that's how do you resolve so you see if the relationship is good my way your way we find a way it's all based on the relationship if if your spouse knows that you're a reasonable person you cherish her you care about her you're way her way you find way it's when the relationship suffers and she gets the impression that you're a selfish Creep by the way I had a guy who's married 45 years 45 years he read the book and he said thank you for 45 years I was fighting my wife 45 years I couldn't forgive her he wanted to live in Israel she want to live here for 45 years he couldn't forgive her and you realize listen you know you're not going to win everything um what do you do in that case so by the way my suggestion is your best bet is to go to a third party you go to a ROV you go to someone older hopefully R is a very important thing to have in your in your life my wife and I when we first get married we agreed that every issue we go to all and it's it's a lot easier it's just makes life a lot better but you will find the things you want to do and she doesn't and you have to you have to find a way but but you see again 70% of successful marriages have at least one if not more how are they successful despite that because that's the way it is but if you're going to put down your foot on every issue it's not going to work and you really you know you have to find definitely not but I'm saying when certain things are extreme it has to be have to make a choice and and sometimes it's very difficult satisy your wife but there's other reasons you have to satisfy something else which is would be private for me to say and it becomes very very difficult right um yeah yeah I'm not going to answer that because uh if you come over after we'll we'll talk more but but again you have to remember if if as long as you guys are together as long as there's a relationship of love and friendship you find a way my way it's often time people become very um bossy about when it comes to money I can't listen I you can't bring us to financial bankruptcy you're going to you're spending so so what happens is um many marriages get destroyed that way because you know everybody has needs and your way is not the right way her way is not the right way you have to find some way to to work it out for both needs but uh but there will be irreconcilable differences and just accepting that is part of the part of the game um I didn't answer that question for a reason but okay any last questions thoughts observation yes what if the woman treats him like a like a king but he doesn't treat her like so what you do is you read the video you read the book together or you read the video book anyone who's 30 and younger who's illiterate you get the video book the video book anyone knows what the video book is you guys know what it is the video book is this really cool I um I discovered that people under 30 years of age are illiterate I no no it's not a joke I discovered this because I a guy would come over and said Rabbi I love the book oh great what page you up to page 30 how long have you had it 3 months okay a guy came over to me said I'm up to page 12 uh it's there there's a table introductions there's hkas it starts on page 10 he's up to page 12 I said I get it so I made the discovery that uh anyone under 30 is illiterate so therefore I came up with the video book what's the video book I took the essence of the book and I made 50 short animated videos and you open it up and it uh and it plays it just what's wrong with your cluts can you walk down the street what's the difference between these two scenes the first one is when they're really good the best part about is go to the next one what is the most important skill in a good marriage if you were to present this question the best part of this book by the way is this commun I was a high SC for 15 years if I had something like this WOW it' be amazing shut again anyway if you get it read it together watch it together with your spouse because often time you see I'm I'm sure the vast majority of people are married to reasonable people the reason why Trouble Comes about is because we don't realize what we're doing I didn't realize it hurts her I didn't realize he's so sensitive about it you read the the book or you get the video book and you start you read it together and suddenly things change so I think uh by the way if anyone wants to copy their on sale here they're they're $25 they're outside the book is free uh this normally it's $50 online but I broke copies here but I highly recommend the book and or the video book um yeah that's what that's what you do any other thoughts last question thoughts observation okay ladies and gentlemen thank you very much have a lot of read the book and U okay