Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier | Dating & Marriage | CHAZAQ

okay welcome everyone to tonight's very special event we have the great honor to hear her been for momentarily is it the Shem the if if anyone didn't um the first 75 people they got a ticket if anyone got a ticket as one of the first uh people to come to the event and they didn't um get their book so then go to the front table and we have a few extra copies of the book If anyone didn't um if they if they if they got a WP up the but they didn't get they didn't um pick up their copy please let us know tonight's event is being presented by the kazak connections division a division which is um focused to help the singles of the community uh find find their Basher find their match and that's what we're here for tonight finding and keeping your soulmate of course it's the topic tonight is dating and marriage so the lecture will be both for people who are single and as well as people who are married and it'll be about relationships so everyone will benefit and um tonight's and the the division is is in memory of IM Shalom and um tonight's event is being sponsored dedicated tonight in um by the abah family Thea family the Malaya family Le nishma BR Greenberg mayor [Music] Raam alah and um it's um tonight's event was being was organized by Milan Ela give a round of applause for tonight and um she spearheads a special division with kazak called kazak special projects and um that the people that if they have a yard site of a of of a loved one a friend a relative they should dedicate programs like tonight in their memory it's obviously a great umus and um just to we're going to call upon we have a special um announcement from the kazak connections team Angel andya let going Round of Applause for everything you do good evening everybody thank you all for coming we would just like to take this special opportunity to welcome and say a big big mazov to mazal and elaho they are our couple that got married that was uh put together by us by connection and we can't wait to put many more singles together to turn them into couples and truly build a beautiful Jewish Home amen can you please come up here we have something special for [Applause] you a little present from huzak connection [Applause] we wish you happiness health success many righteous children all following the ways of hasem Amen thank you and may we hear good news by all of you amen amen thank you thank you mazal again and we what one more speaker we have this a very special initiative that the kazak is part of and we're g to cough on Dan Rosen let's give a round of applause we to give us some short Rems and everyone please rise this call upon shaer thank you for joining us shaer oh should I [Music] mention I what I metion it ition the the the uh yeah okay before I started this work before I start I want to mention the SCH is now running a campaign a $400,000 campaign and we are within I would say $2,500 from the goal so if anyone wants to help out basically this is the sponsor schim the the programs the marriage programs dating programs if you go to ca match cmatch do cos.com t m u z you can be part of our success we are literally um by the way by the time this is over we're done because it's we have one hour okay so cosm match.com for/ okay before we start here we go how many people here are single yeah okay you girls you ladies are not single okay you're not single you're married you're married you're married you're married good good oh you're married okay m m wow you married oh okay fine uh how many people are dating dating okay good okay the girls are I'm sorry well okay so here we go I would like to share with you tonight that I believe most people have a certain perception of what they're looking for and have a way of going about it and I'd like to present to you this evening that most likely I'm going to give you a different perspective a different idea and I believe that I'm right and maybe the way you've been doing things up till now has not been the right way and you may find this way much more effective so to begin let's start with the following moshu was given the ultimate mission to be the to be the one to take the Jewish people out of MIT and from the minute that he embarked on this Mission everything turned badly the slavery became much more difficult the oppression became much more harsh and at a certain point because he was the loving leader of the Jewish Nation he turns to says why have you made it bad for this people why have you sent me now even though those words were sent said from love and dedication apparently there was a complaint that Hashem tells us tells us that hasem had a complain against mosha and hasm said it's a shame that which used to be and no longer is AB Jakob those are great people but mosha you're not on their level AB I had many many times he could have asked questions I promised him a land that would be wide and Broad then he goes to bury his wife he has to pay 400 many questions Jakob many questions they never asked but you the first bump in the road why have you sent me they don't make them like they used to and that is the gor's understanding of what hasem says to Moshe but I'd like to share with you we good give me nervous around what I'd like to share with you is the fact that the single greatest human being who lived ever lived was mosab as great as the OS were as great as a was as great M towered over them so here's the question how could we understand this gamar if the greatest human being who ever lived was moshu how can we understand that hasem says oh you know you not like those great people you're not on that level so to understand that I'd like to share with you the difference between and and when we understand these differences I think we'll understand the answer to this question what is auna the ROM defines auna is I understand with a total Clarity of understanding the Creator is the Creator and one who runs the world who borrow who he alone he alone did does and will do all actions on the planet in plain simple language no happen stance no random occurrences everything under the sun orchestrated controlled by Hashem every moment of the day that's amuna knowing that hem runs the world that's not explains he says is a relaxing of the one who trust taking your heavy load and putting it into Hashem understanding Hashem runs the world is one idea but trusting in hasm relying on hem is very different and I'll share with you some examples of the differences parro parro had a tremendous eight thear tells us he says to his people I'm going to give you wise advice you see the Jewish population was exploding and they wanted to kill the Jews P said you're fools you're going to burn the Jews God's going to burn us you're going to hang the Jews God's going to hang us listen to me throw them in the Nile why the Nile because Hashem promised already he's never going to bring another flood in the the world if you're going to throw them in Nile hasem pays back measure measure will want to burn want to want to drown that's we got to sorry I'm getting way too much feedback Sor no turn a little bit Yeah than will want to drown us but hasm PE back measure for measure won't be to do it says a wise piece of advice here's the point power understood that hasem runs the world par even understood some of the systems the mechanisms by which Hashem runs the world he had a he saw hasem but is trusting inm relying onm taking a heavy load and transfering it to your creator I give you one more example difference between am and I was a high school RAB for 15 years there was one fellow at a certain point once a week at least once a week I to De programing he would come over to me and say listen hashem's out to get me you see this guy said that and this guy this happened at least once a week he proved to me that Hashem was out to get him now he saw Hashem in his life that was auna but he sure didn't have and is understanding that everything that happens every occurrence every conversation every person I meet is directed by AEM but is something very different is relying onm trusting in hem and I think that's the answer to this question in the history of mankind there was never human being who got it as clearly as in MOS total clarity as I recognize this is solid this is here right here that Clarity no human being ever had ever will have be tough it's something different said to will be the father of the Jewish nation and then hasem says to AB kill that boy that's a contradiction there is no answer the ability to close your eyes and say because I don't know the answer doesn't mean there isn't an answer because I don't understand doesn't mean doesn't understand that unwavering trust was something that at least to this point the of us had to a greater extent than did moshu and I think that's what was saying M as great as you are in seeing hem there's something called relying onm the were much greater than you and that and this difference between and underscores everything that we do in our life and I'll share with you what this has to do with dating and marriage in a few minutes but first let me share with you an observation I believe that there are four levels to amuna the first level sounds very straightforward and the first level is knowing that hasem created the world understanding there was absence of anything sh said he and a 100 billion galaxies each containing 100 billion stars came into existence now you may say to me that's obvious that's simple and I'd like to share with it's not at all 17th of your life is dedicated to understanding that concept sh we focus on CHS we don't engage in m in Creative actions to reinforce to ourselves the fact that hasem is the Creator and I am the creation 25 hours a week once a week every week for your life you're going to stop what you're doing to understand that concept because knowing that Hashem created the world isn't as simple as it seems I sh with you what I mean when one of my daughters was in first grade she comes back one day she was learning about mice braus she learning braus and she said I get it before has created the world it was nothing there were no color no trees but I get what what color was it what color was it I want to share with you what she was asking I want you to close your eyes and imagine for a minute the moment before Hashem created the world what you're going to see I'm understanding is you're going to see Blackness but you see Blackness is a color vacuum implies physicality before sh created the physical world there was absence of anything complete void to n to of all complete absence from absolute absence of anything Hashem said by he and created the entire world that we see and when you understand that you understand that creation is something that's physically impossible if you have sand you can break break make it B if you have a cork you can create atoms if you have atoms you can make molecules but if there was absence of physicality there was nothing to nothing to create nothing to make how can you take from absolute absence anything and make something when you're understand this concept you'll have a phenomenal understanding of hashem's relationship with this world you see when Hashem created the world it's different than anything you and I will do if you and I create something let's say we went into the woods and we built a shack if I left that Shack for 20 years I came back 20 years later what would I expect to see well okay maybe a little bit weather worn but the same sha that's because I created nothing I took objects that were in existence already reshuffled them when Hashem created from nothing some something it wasn't just creating it requires a maintaining everything that is in existence wasn't just created by Hashem but it's constantly maintained by Hemm is constantly keeping everything in existence this wood is there because hashm keeps it the floor is there because Hashem keeps it rocks water anything that you see is only there because Hashem is present keeping it into existence h means the place it's a reference to God what do you mean h is why cuz if there is anything there Hashem is there because Hashem is keeping it in existence the Stars the moon the sun everything that exists wasn't just created by Hashem but is constantly kept in existence by Hashem when you understand that you have a fundamental different understanding of your relationship with your creator I exist for one reason because Hashem created me and Hashem maintains me my hands my legs my arms my mouth Hashem keeps me constantly in existence if hasm were ever angry with a person sh would have to strike him down with lightning would cease infusing energy into that person and that person would cease to exist when you understand that you understand how dependent we are on Hashem for my existence not just my breathing not just my organs not just my health for for my very existence Shem is keeping me all day every day where I am and that's the first level of moon and knowing that hasm created the world that hasm maintains the world the second level of the moon is a little bit different the second level of mun is knowing that Hashem runs the world in the big picture issues of Life hurricanes typhoons Salmons new technologies which new diseases will for surface if you'd like to understand the second level of Muna all you have to do is pick up a copy of the New York Times and say to yourself these words the headlines of the New York Times were written on the previous rashash Hashem sits there as a shate as a judge and and judges mankind determining every future event on this planet determining what's going to happen what's not going to happen which countries will expand which countries will contract which markets will reach great levels and which won't which new diseases will surface the New York Times bragged a few years ago about having 350 full-time reporters because on this globe occupied by some 8 billion people there's a lot of things going on if you understand that Hashem sits back as the judge and determines every issue it's not just the headlines of rashash that hasem writes it's every single day of the coming year the local section International section everything is orchestrated everything directed by hem and that's a second level of Mo the third level of moon is a little bit different to share you that one I'll explain to you a little mush a little par imagine you hear about this Rabbi from Muny very nice man this RAB Schaefer oh I heard he's a big sodic I hear every Friday he goes to this widow's house and he helps her out he shops her he cleans her I heard he's even on the floor scrubbing the floors what a big Sonic very nice until you find out that this woman has an estate worth $25 million and no living heirs oh big S my intentions don't color my actions my intentions Define my actions if that action is a loving giving kindly action or it self centered to make myself wealthy is based on one thing my intentions and here's the point if you believe in Justice if you believe in reward and Punishment then perforce you believe the third level of MOA and that is that Hashem knows my thoughts as I'm thinking them Shem peers into the essence of me understands what I'm thinking as I'm thinking the next time you D I want you to pay attention to the last P we say let the words of my mouth find favor in your eyes the he leby and the thoughts of my heart I don't need to speak out my words for Hashem to hear them Hashem hears the thoughts in my heart understands exactly what I'm thinking would you like to understand what you are when you're Domin you go back to high school remember in the lab they had this loose sight man you could see the outside with loose sight inside you could see the organs there was the liver the lungs and the pancreas that's me when I Domin I'm standing in front of my Creator I'm the transparent man Hashem peers into the essence of me and knows exactly what I'm thinking exactly where I'm coming from and exactly where I am now folks we don't like to say this but we are very judgmental I know what this one's holding that one's holding this one that one and I'd like to share with you we don't have a clue I'll give you an example it was a small Shool in Lakewood and there were quite a number of other shs in the vicinity one on the corner another one block away this small Sho decided they want to have a very serious D through R they asked that none of the members bring children there's a Sho up the block a sh block away you want to bring your kids please go to the AL minion we want to have a very focused very serious dial okay they voted they decided that's what they're going to do fine they sent out the emails put up the signs everything's perfect well and good the gab who in charge of things comes into sh he's puts on his Palace chuckle starts doming way and so somewhere right by around baru in the row in front of him in walks a man behind the man five kids each kid sits down got is furious with a sign on the door I sent out email everyone knew not to bring the kids the five he doesn't say a word it's MD down he does say a word anyway a few minutes passed the kids start unpeeling candies the rappers St flying the elbows are flying the G's turning red purple and pink and he's barely able to hold his tongue and it wasn't until kades when these men and the five boys got up to say Kadesh that the Gabi understood the man was sitting shiver for his wife the boys were sitting shiver for their mother they didn't see the signs they didn't know that no one was invited to that sh if they were under the age of 13 and the G by sure was glad he held his tongue we don't have a clue I look at you I look at him I look at her I know I know I know we don't have a clue if I believe in reward and Punishment then I believe that hem knows exactly where I'm coming from exactly where I started exactly where I'm now whether there an easy test a difficult test what I'm going through Hashem knows my thoughts as I'm thinking them that's a third level of Mo first level is knowing that created the world second level is knowing that hm runs the big picture issues of Life the third level ofun is knowing that Hashem knows my thoughts as I'm thinking them and now we come to the fourth level of auna understand the fourth level of let's watch the following imagine it's a February evening and it's freezing cold and I'm walking down a very dark Street all alone I pull my coat a little closer and I realize there's no one here and suddenly a car stops three thugs jump out one holds a gun points it right to my head here's my question I Am A M I believe that hm runs the world what good is hashem's decree back on rash who will live and who will die when my life is in the hands of this drug crazed kid what good is hashem's decree that I'll live if right now whether I exist or not is in the hands of this Punk and the answer to that question is if I accept the fact that Hashem judges humankind if I accept the fact that Hashem determines who will live and who will die I also accept the fourth level of Mauna that Hashem is on the scenes 247 365 to carry out that decree what that means in plain simple language is if my time is up there's nothing you or I or anyone else is going to do to change it but if in fact on the previous rash was decreed that I will live then the many many messenges that Hashem will send the kid will drop the gun New York City Fire Department shows up at a false call the cops come to the oh no reason whatsoever then but you see if I accept that hem is the judge if I accept that hm determines my fate then I also understand that hasem is on the scene 24/7 365 all day every day would you like to grow in auna have a little experiment try this on if you're single it's easier well if you have a roommate be careful if you're married I warn you watch this one very carefully tomorrow morning when you get up before you say anything I want you to say these words good morning Hashem good morning Hashem just want to say hi I know you're here all the time I just woke up good morning now be careful when you say that you have a roommate they what are you crazy Mar your wife think sure nuts but you understand that's the reality I want to share with you guys something very very interesting listen to this Blessed Be You God elu our god king of the universe sh sh means everything means his words what does mean is not past tense ni is not future tense ni is not HOV is not present tense ni is all three shall call that everything in existence niia was is and will be did VOR with your words alone could you imagine if once a day once a day cut through the haze of physicality stop the static and recognize that Hashem you are here Blessed Be You God present and accounted for right here but what here means not 13 million light years up there can you hear me way up uhuh right here present what is doing Mr says doing is having a conversation imagine my friend is right here speaking to them my friend May respond may not respond but I'm speaking to them is little me having conversation with the creat of the heavens and earth right here but not way up there distant not far away speaking to Hashem right there and a recommendation by the way the next time you D make sure that you personalize that means at some point EI if you know the meaning of the BR you could say it there notu speak to your creator in your mother tongue ask for help by the way I was a high school Reby for 15 years I would do the schs with the guys and invariably I would see afterwards some guy would sit sit there he start my S like this he getu and he'd say seems see doing um God I don't know what to put I I'm sort of like man this weird what am I doing I'm talking you know saying he can be 17 years old he can been ding for 10 years that was the first time he had a conversation with his creator that's the first level of the moon is knowing hasm created the world second level of moon is knowing that hashm runs the big picture issues of Life Third level of moon is knowing that hem knows my thoughts as I'm thinking them the fourth level of moon is where the actions at that Hashem is with me 24/7 365 all day every day as I walk up the steps as I walk down the steps as I plug the hairdresser plug the the dryer in or pull pull it out every moment in my existence I am kept in existence by Hashem Hashem is there guarding me protecting me and all of that is in the realm of a but that has nothing to do with is learning to trust AEM is learning to rely onm and there are two thoughts that you have to have if you want to have one is very very easy to attain and the other one is very difficult the first concept that's very easy to attain is the fact that Hashem loves me more than I love me as much as I want my betterment Shem want it even more as much as I want everything good for myself Shem wants it even more as much as I'm concerned for myself Hashem is even more concerned as much as I love me Hashem loves me even more and that one is very easy to work on why all you have to do is watch a mother with a newborn baby the mother will do anything for the baby the mother stays up all night for the baby the mother do when the baby cries the mother is right there the mother will probably give up life for the baby here is my question what did the baby do to deserve the mother's love oh great baby after all that you've done to me I'm willing to give up my life for you the baby did nothing the baby's an infant why does the mother love the baby so explains to us because hasem put into the mother's heart a maternal Instinct that maternal instinct is something that hasem wanted in the heart of a mother so that the mother will take care of the child and explains that is one 10,000 10,000 10,000th of the unbridled love that Hashem has for every one of his Creations if you could take the most kindly giving loving person in the world multiply that love by an exponential number you don't even have a splinter of the unbridled love that hm has for everyone and the First Love First thing thing you need for is knowing that hm loves me more than I love me is not that hard to attain it's a second thought that takes a lot of work what's the second thought I believe that 80% of our amuna problems 80% of our questions on God stems from one mistake and that's called playing God playing God playing God mean playing God playing God playing God means I know what I need I need to marry this woman I need to get this job I need to get my kid into this class and I explained it to hasm I said please please and it's not going come on I broke a deal with you I'll join you me if you do this I'll get stuck and it doesn't go has what's the deal why are you angry what's why won't you do this pling God means I know what I need and I explain to my Creator how he should fulfill my script but I'm missing one little aspect there Hashem is the master I am the servant Hashem is the creator I am the creation how many times you hear a guy had to get that job three years later it turns out the entire industry is shipped over to Pakistan I got to get my kids into that class turns out six months lady finds us another child in the class who would have been the worst possible influence I got to marry that woman turns out he does Marry That Woman 5 years later he hears that the word mentally unstable is an understatement to describe her condition playing God means I know exactly what should be and I explain to hem how it should happen and this is the second concept you want to learn to trust in hem that you have to embed into your essence and that is that Hashem knows better than I what is for my best as much as I think I know I need this guess what Hashem knows even better as much as I know exactly what you be guess what hasem has a much greater plan as much as I think this is what should be for me hasem often doesn't agree because as much as I want what's best to me Hashem wants it even more but even more than that as much as I think I know what's best Hashem knows it even better than I and when you work on these two things that's how you work on am is understanding runs the world's involved in Big Picture little picture but that's easy from the outside be tough is learning to apply that learn to trust in hem meaning I have to do my job I have to work very diligently I have to be very very vigorous to stay healthy I eat right I exercise ear a living I get a job but I also understand that every action that I'm doing I'm going through a choreograph script Hashem determined the outcome before I started I'm just going through motions but exactly what's going to happen has been determined already okay now we're ready to discuss this issue called dating what's is for dating how do you do this what do you do so I'll share with you a ideal system and the ideal system has two parts there's the paper test and the Basher test the paper test is before anyone meets anyone certainly before anyone gets involved in any level on paper are you guys matched are you looking to bring up the same sort of family are you looking to live the same sort of life it doesn't mean exactitudes and doesn't mean precise but in big broad brush Strokes are you guys looking for the same thing in life for instance if he wants to learn in Co and she only shops in saxth Avenue we got a problem all right but assuming that you guys are about in the same place in life that's the paper test and after you pass the paper test then you take the Basher test what is the Basher test M share test is you go out you go out and you're looking for one thing does it just sort of work it just feels right it just feels as a Common Language it just feels comfortable I look forward to the dates I enjoy it I can't tell my reor I learned my reor asked us I can't tell how many times do you enjoy her company you look forward to the dates do you enjoy what you're looking for is an incredibly intuitive sense that it's natural that it's right it's not rockets on the fourth of July it's not mad passionate love it's the sense that it just feels comfortable it just feels right and if that happens she passed the paper test passed the FR test and that's a sign that's the right one now isn't that the way everybody goes out right right that's way everybody goes out right no no one does that everyone has their laundry list I need this and that and this this I can right that I can't right most people when they go out anyone ever see the the the child's toy Mr Potato Head you got right Mr Potato you get to choose ears get Sho the nose the feet most people when they go out they have their miss the Potato Head I know what I need I want someone tall or short extr int not something I they create their Mr Potato Head then they go into the marketplace to to find the one that's closest to their model I don't get a I can't find my Basher you can't find your Basher because you're not looking for your Basher you're looking for your Mr Potato Head that you made in your mind when you understand that Hashem found the right one for you before you were born 40 days before you put into the planet Hashem said beon hash Cre what you when you're going out you're looking for the right one that one is the one that passes the Bashar test but let me share with you no one really goes out this way I had a guy once who told me after the fourth day dropping the girl I said why he said well I gave her a psychological test and she failed now he's about 25 he didn't have a PhD in Psychology exactly and I was right inly curious I said what do you mean you gave her a psychological test he said well I asked her what animal she would choose to be like if she could be an animal and she said a horse now everyone knows a horse is masculine I don't want to marry mascul anyway someone grabbed a hold of this guy shook some sent into him and bottom line he he married that masculine girl now 25 years later he's happily married a bunch of kids okay many people have these imaginary understandings of what I need what I need to be happy what I need to be successfully married and the vast majority of time it's so foolish I'll share with you one more a guy said to me once I'll tell you something I she's okay I enjoy her company I like being with her and everything but I'll be honest with you I need someone with Lush Hair I said what I need someone with lush hair now wait a minute your wife is going to cover her hair right so what do you mean you need some you need that's what you I need someone with Lush Hair okay very nice very nice okay good good that's you you're going to be happy okay right ladies you know what I'm talking about right yeah okay now I'd like to share with you that there are three mistakes that people make when they're going out first mistake when they're going out is they meet the guy he's a good guy I enjoy his company I like being with him I look forward to the day we' g a long time it just seems to be right but but I could do better I could do better I can marry someone richer funnier better more intelligent taller I could do better okay so what do you say to that to the I could do better you would like to know what I say to that 100% correct you could do better no question about it I'll give you a little example imagine your sister's getting married and it's 3 months off so you're shopping shopping you find the perfect dress it's gorgeous it's in fashion style and it's even modest great wonderful perfect everything's set you're perfectly ready one little problem you got to find shoes you look in this store that store this store you can't find a pair of shoes it's now a month through wedding you looking you're look look here look it's a week before the wedding you don't have a pair of shoes you're in Desperate straights you walk into DSW and they're in the clearance section you see them they're gorgeous the perfect color the workmanship they're amazing and best they're 50% off it's awesome one little problem they're two sizes too small listen I can't pass it up you take them you go to sister's wedding you dance for two hours and when you take the shoes off you find that your feet are killing you why because the leather could be fine the workmanship can be great it can Bean style but if the shoe doesn't fit it's going to hurt you could marry somebody richer taller smarter cleverer but are you going to be happy Hashem chose to you the perfect match the one that fits together with you you can marry you could pass by by the way S as many years ago ra keski right you know the name his father in my day his father Styler was theor a fellow once walked into the STI and said when am I going to find my Shar I'm 26 already when am I going to find her he looks up and he said you already passed her up when you were looking for the perfect girl what do you mean it's Bashar how could you pass it up it's Bashar it's bash right my friends that's not correct at all you could pass it up you could why I give you a very simple example imagine it's rashan and imagine wearing sh and imagine I my Talis over my head and I'm ding away ding away soly I hear a Heavenly voice OB Bas sh for whoa whoa what I was sent from heaven you w what to give you a message whoa whoa whoa who what this year you're going to earn $10 million whoa 10 million bucks I'm happy as a l and I leave sh happy I quit my day job I don't do I don't even look in the stocks anything I don't do a thing I know exactly what's going to happen what's going to actually happen that year I'd like to share with you most likely I'm going to go hungry but AEM decreed it was a BOS and when a BOS that when Hashem decrees Hashem doesn't decree what has to happen Hashem decrees what should happen what's appropriate what's right but you have thing called Free Will Hashem understands and created the world in a way that you have the option of doing what's right in which case you'll get exactly what you should or you don't have to do it and it won't work out and if I decide that I'm not going to work that year guess what that $10 million isn't going to come and for instance let's say you're 26 27 28 years old and you say this is crazy just dating thing first it's so expensive and so time cons me this one that hasem you want me to get married I'm sitting to M you bring her to me what's going to happen you're going to be single for a long time but but 40 days yeah the share means that's what's accessible that's what's available that's what should be but you got to do your part to stay healthy you have to eat right and you have to exercise turn a living you got to get a job and when it's time to go out you have to seek the right one and you have to be open to accepting the one that hasem chose to you so if you think that you're settling you're right you're settling for the one that hasem determines the right one for you so that's the first mistake people think you want me to settle you want me to just I could do better okay let's deal with the second mistake what's the second mistake second mistake is real interesting I I love this one second mistake is that you have a person who says listen I'm going to tell you person I I know my personality and I know what I need she's a great girl she's very put together I enjoy her company I enjoy spending time with her but she's not what I need I need someone with a sense of humor and she doesn't have it I need someone who's very serious and she's very not very serious I need an extrovert I need an introvert I know what I need and this one is not the right one so therefore I pass it up okay what do you say to that ladies what do you say to that one what right good luck guy good luck Madam okay so I'll share with you what I say to that person when we first got married um my wife and I was our first marriage and we decided we'd like it to last but we didn't know anything about marriage there no really cool books had really Dum mistakes anything like that in our day so in any case so the best we could do was my my parents was sort of a part of a close group of friends maybe eight couples who constantly be over back and forth Etc so we sort of made it a study to to study these couples eight couples and we sort of watched them and we watched how they interacted how they spoke to each other Etc and at a certain point I don't know who reached the conclusion first but we both agreed every one of them was completely mismatched he was too introverted she was introverted she was too smart he was too every not a single one of them would we have put together in fact the only one that maybe we would have put together as a up was the one who was having a lot of marital stress a lot of fighting and my wife and I discovered something in that little exercise and that is a marriage is a complex Union of two very different people different strength different talents different abilities and each of them have to M together properly and doing that is not so simple so I know what I need this one is not what I need you know what you need how well do you know yourself oh I know myself really you're 80 years old you have the wisdom of soul and mouth most people don't have a clue to their nature to their when they get married it's only oh my goodness I didn't even know I had that trade I know I'm so impatient I don't know why I temper okay but you know yourself good fine you know yourself how well do you know the opposite gender opposite means opposite like not like the other one the opposite gender Daniel Gman wrote a book emotional intelligence he writes about a study of public school children at three years of age they interviewed a Kindergarten class and they found 50% of the boys they asked to name a best friend 50% of the boys named the girl as his best friend 50% of the girls named the boy as our best friend same group of children when they were 5 years old 20% of the boys named the girl as his best friend 20% of girls named a boy as her best friend and the same group was s years old not a single boy zero not a single boy mentioned a girl as his best friend not a single girl mentioned the boy as her best friend but why why is that I'll tell you why children in the juvenile stage two years of age three years of age they played together very nicely because boys and girls are pretty similar but once they start becoming more mature they go into their own world boys stop playing with trucks and playing rough and tumble game girls stop playing with dolls playing house and by the time they're five by the time they're seven they have nothing to do with each other but I want you to understand as the children grow older it's not that those differences become less they become far greater far greater and it becomes so distant by the time a 24y old man meets a 22y old woman they're in vastly different world so different in their nature that their Outlook their values in fact I love it I just love it when a young woman is married comes to me crying Rabbi we're so different I thought we were so the same we were I thought we were unim mind I love spearm gum he loves spearm gum I loveen and that was so different I said what do you mean well I like to step late he lik to go to sleep early I say Madam with all du respect any difference that you're going to show me I guarantee Pals in comparison to the biggest difference between you guys he is male and you are female and and that difference means the way you look at things what you value what you like what you understand so even if you understand yourself I challenge you how well do you know the opposite gender okay good you know the opposite gender well I got one more question to ask you how well do you know this institution called marriage I've dealt with hundreds and hundreds of couples and I can tell you in the olden days the couples came to me I didn't know much couples come came you know I get TRS people come with question problems so one of the issues that people give come to me with marriage problems I don't have a clue at the time I was married about 15 years I didn't know marriage I studied marriage looked and learned and more more okay bottom line is I guarantee you don't have a clue about marriage but even if you do know yourself even if you know the opposite gender even if you understand marriage I have one last question to share with you you get married give me an age how many what age you people give me an age how old 25 25 somebody's 25 who's 25 okay good you intend to get married yes how long do you intend to be married for my whole life whole life so let's say till uh 80 85 something like for sure 50 years right okay good you're 25 now what are you going to be like when you're 45 I don't know oh how are you going to pick the right one for when you're 45 when you don't even know what you're going to be like 45 what are you going to be like when you're 55 what's going to interest you what are you going to enjoy what are you going like doing how in the world could you possibly say I know what I need you don't know what you're going to be like 5 years now 10 years now I know what I need I'm a smart guy you don't know anything and there's some jobs that are better left off to God this is one of them so if you think that you're a little bit too smart and you know what you need and you're not going to accept the one that hasm determined I'm telling you it's not such a smart thing first mistake mistake number one is I could do better you can't do better as you could do better in money in height in looks you can't get a better match Hashem knows you better than you know you Hashem picked the right one second mistake people think that I know what I need you don't know what you need but the third one is a real rough one take question the end yeah this is the real rough one ladies especially I can't get married but do you enjoy his company here how many times you go out we go out all the time do you really look forward to but I can't I can't marry why not I don't love him I'm not in love if I'm not in love I can't move okay good right Ladi is true no right I don't love and okay good okay okay here we go it is my firm belief that most couples 6 months after the wedding maybe a year after wedding either he or she or sometimes both wake up and say the words oh my goodness oh my gosh oh my goodness I made the biggest mistake in my life I married the wrong one and it's true that they made a mistake not that they married the wrong one but they mistook infatuation for love infatuation is this glass I look looks in the eyes of the woo the harmony violin start playing the birds start singing and suddenly he's gone he's G he's not the you see not hello hello on a regular by the way you ever hear the word he's perfect I'm telling he's by the way I'm married my wife is one of the sharpest people I I know we married now bar in three years and okay bar I love my wife so [Applause] yeah okay I'm going to take you back to ancient history we're newly engaged and I Hear My Call then on the phone with a friend saying something like this listen I I know it can't be I know no one's perfect but I'm telling you I'm telling he's perfect now I'm overhearing this conversation I'm not going to be the one to tell it it's in for a rude awakening but she found out after we got married that it wasn't quite perfect okay why does the kala think the K is perfect why does the look at the Kal go she's perfect do you know why because there are chemicals that go off in the brain there there's neurotransmitters there serotonin dopamine adrenaline when a person is infatuated scientists say that it has the same effect on the brain chemistry as cocaine use you become h wo and then in that state of delusion they think it's going to be beautiful and wonderful it is beautiful and wonderful but you see the mistake that most people make is they mistake infatuation for love infatuation just happens it's instant Love Takes a lot of work infatuation blinds you L me you know exactly what the person is but you love them despite the flaws infatuation is something that's given for a short period of time and it wears off it's like the sulfur on a kitchen match it's there to create a fire and either the wood catches or it burns out infatuation helps you sometimes sometimes it's needed sometimes not but when the couple is married that's when they work on the love that's when the bond and for any young person says I can't get married cuz I'm not in love I say to you you're making a big mistake the only couples that get me nervous are the ones who are whoa he's so amazing she's perfect wow why do they get me nervous because it means they're gone the sure are s the intellect is blinded they're they're on cocaine they're high they there's no intelligent thought anymore and that infatuation is going to leave you're not going to be in love before you get married you're going to work on the bond you're going to work on the connection once you're married and you work on it and and by the way marriage is a beautiful beautiful relationship the most close relationship in existence but it takes a lot of work and the work on the love and the marriage is key and essential but it doesn't just happen so anyone who says to you I can't get married because I'm not in love what you mean is I'm not infatuated and when I'm infatuated I know that it's going to pass going to leave so again mistake number one is I'm not going to settle I do better when you say to them is Hashem knows better than you mistake number two is I know what I need no you don't you don't you're going to be like when you're 45 and 65 you don't know your nature You Don't Know Her nature and you say I'm not in love you're done right you're not in love you're not supposed to be in love by the way I've dealt with when I say now I can't tell how many hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of engaged couples many of them some of them are deeply deeply infatuated some aren't but what is is the correlation between those who are infatuated and their happiness in marriage and those who were not infatuated and their satisfaction in marriage would you like to know what I found zero correlation those who are so infatuated often that fighting the screaming and yelling those that have no infatuation all they work on the bond they're connected they love each other deeply and passionately because infatuation is illusionary State sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't but it's not a criteria for selection there's only one criteria for selection I'm looking for one thing one thing only what's that ladies the right one how do I know the right one it's the one that Hashem chose for you but how do I know that there's no no neon sign there's no lightning from Heaven how do I know he's the right one the answer is is's an intuitive sense within you you took the paper test you're aligned in life issues you're looking to raise the same kind of family okay you passed the paper test now you take Bashas you go out you spend time together you enjoy his company you like being with him and you do it for often enough that's it you passed by the way do you know how many times I had a conversation with a young woman and sometimes young man as well I don't know I'm not sure I'm attracted let okay let me ask how long are your dates eight hours okay what do you do during these eight hours well we talk okay and the day before that we went out for 12 hours what do you do we talk the day before okay so I say this person tell me something let's imagine you and I are in a car we Tak a 5our car ride we start talking how long would our conversation last so I don't know we talk Maybe talking learning half an hour we talk sports business Whatever by 45 minutes we're done we're done what do you talking about for 8 hours I'm not attracted what are you talking about that's the sign you're looking for there's a commonality it just seems to work it clicks you guys are made for each other but how do I know how do you because you're living it that's the living proof the essence of the marriage is the fact you guys are made for each other you B how do I know because look how you get along it just feels right it feels comfortable a Shar test is a very intuitive sense I just feel right I feel comfortable but I can't decide Rabbi I can't yeah B I'm married how do I make this decision would you like to know how I made this decision so it's a big miracle that I get married I'll tell you why every date I reviewed with two rush colos and two R I had never been married before and I was not interested in marrying the wrong one so every date I reviewed basically four people four Wise Old older Scholars um so it's a miracle that I actually got was ready to get engaged so I went through all math we did the dating we did the whole routine and everyone sort of not it sounds right sounds right sounds not so I said okay so here we go I'm ready to propose uh how do I know I know how you going to do this then listen I went through the motions and we went out it seems right seems to be the right one I went through asked other people asked advice it seems the right one but how do you know I don't and that's ladies and gentlemen the critical moment are you able to close your eyes and take that plunge are you able to close your eyes and say Hashem created the world Hashem maintains the world and Hashem runs the world Hashem brought me to this person we took the paper test we took the m test and it feels right it feels she's not perfect he's not per you're right you're right he can make more money he can be she can be smarter she can be you're right but there's a commonality is a right feeling it's just right that's when you close your eyes and you say I trust in my Creator or you suffer okay so let's recap very quickly Hashem said mosh you're a great human being in terms theun no one had reached that Clarity that MOS had but you're not on the level of the El us why you ask questions had a tremendous question Hashem said y will be the father Jewish nation and then I told him to basically to bring him as an ol kill him he didn't ask unwavering trust be toughen is the ability to trust my Creator knowing that number one Hashem loves me more than I love me number two Hashem knows better than I what's my best there are four levels to basic ofo one is knowing hasm created the world second level is knowing hasm runs a big issues of Life Third level of moon is knowing that Hashem knows my thoughts as I'm thinking them the fourth level of moon is knowing that hm is with me 24/7 365 all day every day but all that is in the realm of auna understanding hasm runs the world be tough is learning to trust in Hashem to learn to trust in hem I have to learn to take away my harness learn that my job is to use this world very vigorously to do Myas but to know that my Creator knows better than I was my best and hasm loves me more than I love me and then you go out you take the paper test you take theare test and you decide she's the right one or not okay are we almost done we're almost ready for that question but get ready for questions I like to have questions I tell people ahead time in case you're shy get ready now so answer your question here we go let's say you decide I can't trust God I can't trust AEM I'm going to do this myself I'm going to find the right one I'm going to pick her I know what I need I'm going to pick her okay good here's my little question how many people are is it possible for you to marry meaning how many people are within the realm of possibilities that you might be able to marry that person so a few years back they found that in the tri-state area in the Orthodox Jewish high schools there were 100,000 students now they're far more okay well that means is 50,000 boys 50,000 girls now you can go up a few years down a few years that means within four year range there's at least 50,000 in the TR state area people who are potential M matches now maybe you tell me well this one's too smart this one too religious this one n so you get rid of half of them but there's La there's Chicago there's at least 30,000 people that you could potentially marry so how are you going to sort through this deck so let's do the math have you ever tried to interview 35 people you ever tried to interview a 100 people about a thousand let's say you went out twice a week twice we with different people how long would it take you to cycle through the 30,000 people to determine which ones the right one two a week * 50 is 100 a year 1,000 every 10 years 10,000 every 300 years 300 years how long do you intend to live it take a long long long time longer than you want to wait you better believe that Hashem knows what he's doing Hashem orchestrates this world and arranges just when you're in that downtime you meet the right guy somehow works you got to trust your creator what does it mean you take the paper test are we aligned in basic outlets in life and then you take the Bashar test it's not Rockets of Fourth of July not mad passionate love it's a natural sense it's an affinity I just feel comfortable I look forward to the dates the conversations work it goes that's the mare test you close your eyes you take the plunge and AEM helps