Coach Ratner (NIGHT 2) | Infinite Relationships: Finding & Keeping Your Soulmate | Chazaq

[Music] want to welcome everyone to tonight's Shear very special Shear we have Coach rner came inash speaking different locations he's um teaches in Asia Torah and Israel andash he spoke last night for kazak and bjx in Brooklyn bjx and of course we're honor the great honor for the community to have him speak in Queens tonight being being I think it's a great show of aus of course we have four tremendous organizations institutions that do so much for the community throughout the year we have the kazak organization we have project Inspire Queens we have EMT Outreach and of course I'm hosting tonight's event in the amazing beautiful sh Beth Community Center um and we have this very special topic tonight called infinite marriage secrets to to lasting relationships um his the his book which he's going to speak about some part of uh Glimpse in tonight it's called infinite marriage and um the book I think there's no there's no copies at the tonight right here just literally just came out off the press and of course everyone should get at your Lo local book Jewish bookstores get it on Amazon get it online it's an amazing book it's called infinite marriage um and just um a quick word just about the different organizations um you have kazak which organizes different amazing sh and events different communities like tonight and especially with a big focus on public school Outreach with with um after school programs in 20 different Loc ations and it's trans and since 2017 has transferred over over 1500 students from public school yiva so of course if anyone that knows of anyone BL children in public school like to give them a Jewish Education reach out to kazak of course you know project Inspire um which which is a which is a branch of Isa Torah it's just so much tremendous cure of an Outreach for our fellow brothers and sisters and of course emit Outreach tremendous organization which has been which which does tremendous Outreach for young professionals and college Outreach on so many different college campuses of course we all know the the amazing work of EMT and Beth Community Center which has just such a place of Tor and Anda in community for so many years so we thank of course be Cav for hosting and um without no further Ado um that's all please give a round of applause for Coach rman wow wow it's great to be here it's awesome I'm very excited it's been a long week I started in Chicago on one last Wednesday I spoke every single night and once I got to New York on Sunday I started speaking twice a night I I have it easy tonight I have just you're the only class tonight so if we have time afterwards you can ask me questions I'm happy to answer um I grew up in in the DC area I was not raised in an observant home and I started learning through my Rabbi Rabbi yakob patnik and Lori patnik and eventually moved to Israel in 2019 started teaching n Tor and now I'm here live I'm really excited so why am I here tonight so I uh was talking to my wife and we've been married about 5 or 10 years at the time and I said to her why is our marriage equal to everybody else's like you you have all these marriages today in the world you know they're dysfunctional people get married five six times especially people from Hollywood you have people with with you know Abus of marriages why is our marriage equal there should be an upgrad in marriage what I call marriage 2.0 just like you upgrade your phone you should be able to upgrade your marriage so I came with this concept of what I call the four phases of love and we're going to talk about the four phases of Love Today and the purpose that I'm here tonight I have one goal my goal for you is to be in a passionate loving relationship with one person the rest of your life and if you're not I fail and I have no intention of failing you guys want that in one class in one one class we're going to get in one class I give over a lot of information last last night people taking notes but everything I'm going to say tonight plus a lot more is in this book called infinite marriage the four phases of a love and relationship it's available through mosaic apress I saw on ERS today and it should be available in Jewish bookstores and on Amazon maybe by the time I'm finish tonight we'll see if you take 100 marriages in the world today and I'm not talking in the fir world because most of my talks that I give at asan Torah are to to secular audiences but if you take 100 marriages in the regular world how many get divorced most of them most of them % 50% 50% 60 60 have 65 have 65 65 7 77 101 what it's okay keep making jokes I like that 60% of the ones that are not divorced of the ones that are still married how many of them do you think are in passionate loving relationships zero we have zero 1% okay you guys are being a little harsh if you get married 10% if you get married today based on statistics you guys are throwing out at me I'm going to be generous you have less than a one in five chance of having a happy passionate marriage that sounds great let's all out and get married right let's get married it sounds great no one walking down the aisle they're saying to themselves we're in love together we love we're not going to be statistic and they walk down the aisle and they scan the HOA and they're going to fail most likely it's because they don't have wisdom you know what interesting when you get a driver's license I have five kids brashem in Israel my kids you know cuz I don't have a car yet but like my kids haven't got the driver's license yet I have I think two that could get them but like you a driver's license you got to study and practice and practice and take a test you want to get a real estate license you want to get a license for law you want to become a doctor you got to learn and learn and learn yet to make what is the biggest decision you're going to make in your life who you're going to marry yeah people go without any wisdom no test no class they go go to a to to a rabbi and they get married and they wonder why they're in a horrible relationship I always I think it's funny because like most people go to the hospital for for have babies we we didn't we liked having it home you know why why go to a hospital where people that's that's where sick people die right you know why go there so we uh they they hand you the baby and all they require is that you have a car seat nothing else I'm like where's the instruction manual where's the instruction me to have a passionate loving relationship so we're going to talk about the four phases phase number one is what I call the crush this is when you go out with a guy or a girl and she's kind of cute and she makes you laugh he makes you laugh like you know what I can see dating this person now it's okay to have the crush sometimes people confuse it with infatuation now infatuation has a negative connotation but sometimes you need that infactuation in order to get to Love Now I want to say one thing and this is unusual but there is a way and it does happen you can't get married without being in love and love will follow and we see this in the Torah when elezar was looking for a wife for for yok and he prayed and he's looking he was looking for two character characteristic traits one was kindness and one was awareness and Rifka came up saw that he was thirsty gave him water and gave his camels water she noticed that the camels needed water too that took some sort of awareness and then the Torah says yok married Rifka and the next line is yak loved Rifka so he married her before he loved her I came with a concept because we have a lot of people that come to my house who are young students and they want to get married they you know they said to my wife we're ready to get married now can you help us out like who you looking for well you know he's got to be cute and learns and you know a and like you know have money whatever whatever they're saying and like they don't have a clue what their characteristics are looking for and by the way when most people do state their characteristics who are they talking about because who do you love the most yourself yourself so people usually list characteristics that they already have but you don't need any more of you you already have of you so I came with a a a short worksheet it's in this book and it's also on my website coach Ratner for free just download it and it helps clarify the 10 pictures that are good for you in a relationship now that is unusual to get married without being in love but some people do it it is possible but if you're not one of those people you have to have the crush infatuation it's okay that's going to turn to love and then we get to phase two which I call the research phase the research phase when you're learning about the likes and the dislikes of somebody else it's a very exciting time in a relationship because everything's brand new and it's interesting when I try to set people up in America for dating they'll say to me oh I'm singing Someone I'm singing someone already what does it mean when someone sing someone dating they're dating one and Israel they say we're busy right that's what they say we're dating what what should they say instead of seeing someone because when you've seen someone once what is there left to see they have a red dress they have a Blue Dress give have a green jacket they look the same what you should be saying I am listening to some somebody cuz listening listening is how relationships are formed if you ever been in an argument with somebody and you're yelling back and forth and when they're yelling at you what are you doing in your in your mind you're not listening to them you're formulating a response in your head you're not really listening so we have two kinds of listening hearing and listening we say it twice a day in sh Shima hearing you shall listen hearing it goes in one ear out the other go jump in the lake listening internalizing understand standing in and this is one thing we have to do when we're dating especially this side of the room we're not as good about listening as this side of the room which don't worry I'll beat up on them also but it's interesting the word listen and Silent have the same exact letters I was in my early 20s like I said I wasn't raised in observant home and I was dating a lot and I couldn't get a second date so one of my best friends said to me don't talk just listen and the wom are going to love you and guess what he was right because women connect through talking and we have to connect through listening if you go on a date with a guy and he listens to you and understands you you're going to love him generally Mak generalization that's phase two phase three is what I call the commitment now for my vernacular that means marriage but I write my book for the world so I put the commitment but it means marriage now this is where the hard part is because I was teaching in Chicago a few days ago and there's a nice young couple they've been engaged for they're not religious but they're a nice Jewish couple been engaged for a few few months I go what do you guys been doing for the last few months oh we're planning the wedding we're figuring who's going to come on a list the b list the C list where the events going to be the caterer the the you know the theme I said to them what do you think you should be doing think I have no idea I go how long's your wedding going to last 5 hours max what you should be planning is the rest of your life together the day you get married is the day the hard work starts if you've ever walked romantic comedy from Hollywood what's us the last scene the mar scene it's the marage scene how come they never showed 10 20 or 30 years later after the wedding because it wouldn't be a romantic comedy it'd be a murder mystery the day you get married is the day the hard work starts and this is why I came with fourth the fourth phase I'm going to ask a question who here wants to get married a lot of hands go up right that's easy to do I could have a line of people outside this door willing to marry you easy marriage is easy it's the next phase that's harder and this is what I call the phase for never leaving never leaving at the point when you get into a relationship usually after 5 10 15 years where you realize that there is someone better in almost every characteristic that you want in a relationship someone's not as angry someone's a better cook someone's got more money someone's not as fat someone's not as skinny someone opens up more emotionally someone who's nicer someone whatever it is you want there's someone better than every single characteristic out there but you realize the person you married isn't perfect but you realize they're perfect for you and that's called the phase of never leaving so what's the difference between the commitment and never leaving you're only committed to things until you're not committed anymore I mean how many times you've been committed to something I'm going to work out every day I'm going to lift weights I'm going to eat vegan I'm going to stop smoking pot I'm going to eat vegan while I'm smoking pot I'm going to kick goer you're only committed into your not committed anymore there's got to be more to a marriage than just the commitment and I call it phase 4 never leaving how are we going to get there okay one thing I learned at ASA Torah R Rabbi excuse me Weinberg says Define your terms so you're going into a relationship with your definition of marriage and love for what you've seen from your family and the other person has their definition and and and perception of love from what they've seen and if you don't if you don't match you're going to have take a message for me tell my mom I'll call her back you're going to have a hard time so who who here wants to be in love want be in love okay you want to be in love okay tell me what love is imperfections you're pretty good go ahead accepting the person for good and bad with their imperfections and you know also working on things yeah you always have to work on things for sure you're both are very good so I'm going to give you what I call and many people no one said this yet but I would I call the feeling of love because many people say this is what it feels like to be in love the feeling of being love is wanting to give without getting anything in return whereas infactuation is a momentary desire you have in the brain that someone has something you want Rabbi tski calls it fish love what is fish love anyone here like salmon you like salmon how do you like it cooked um raw or cook is fine raw or cook great great now if you really love salmon you would it you wouldn't eat it you wouldn't kill it you take the salmon you put it in a bowl of water by your by your bedst stand you read it fish stories at night and take on fish plakes you don't love salmon you love the pleasure that salmon brings you that's called infatuation Real Love is one to give without get anything in return but the definition of Love is a little different the definition of Love is the emotional pleasure you feel when you focus on the virtues of another and you continue to associate them with those virtues again the definition of Love is the emotional pleasure you feel when you associate something with their associate someone with their virtues and you continue to focus on those virtues as you age another way of saying it there's a reason why you fell in love what happened to those reasons do you stop focusing on them do you start focusing on their NE negative characteristics I'm going to give you an analogy there's a TV show called chopped anyone hear a chopped yeah right so you have four chefs that come on to the show and they have to make a meal like an appetizer and they start the Contest 20 minutes they have to make an appetizer now they start off when they start the time they have this basket full of very unusual ingredients that they must use in their dish these are things they're not used to cooking with like snake meat and Squid Ink and yika powder and snail urine I who cooks with snail urine right no one does right so they have to use them in the dish and the same thing as marriage you're going into a relationship you have your basket full of things like may be anger issues mistrust issues dysfunction and the person you're going to marry has their own basket full of stuff and you you try to cook in the kitchen together so to speak and you try and you try and you try and sometimes you can't and sometimes the relationship doesn't work and this is why you must focus on why you fell in love in the first place question yes but don't you think in order to get the relationship you have to like work on yourselves first always we should always be working ourself yes well well we're not going to into that concept the idea that you I have a book coming out later this year on self-esteem it's called never feel un loved again because so much of problems relationships people come from people not loving themselves because you can't love somebody else unless you love yourself that's the fact of life if you don't love yourself and you think that marriage is going to make you happy not only you're going to make yourself unhappy now you're going to make someone else unhappy and the relationship it's called Never it's the the the title is still in flux yesterday was called unloved the strategies to low self-esteem and today it's called self-esteem never feel un loved again I changed the title today it's still in flux so you have to Define what love it and if you don't agree with my definition it's fine I don't care but you're going to date you're dating someone and you want to marry them you should leave have a common definition of that word love now let's talk about yes oh my question is that the concept of love if you are going on a date you are attracted to this person how come most people don't view love as love but something else I don't know well they confuse it with infactuation let's get into this okay so there are three questions you must ask before you get married three questions question number one am I physically attracted to them am I physically attracted them but that doesn't make them physically attract anybody else there's an idea that I talk about it's called the three-day rule the three date rule STS you should date someone at least three times obviously they like laugh like a hyena they can't stop talking about their mother they pick their nose they live in a tree whatever stop dating them I understand that but you got to give someone three chances because you don't know someone after one date I have an idea called it's called first date bias first date bias is that CU when you date someone the first time you see them what you have to go on you have one thing to go on is how they look and that's it you don't know them if they look good more likely a second date if they don't look good less likely a second date the more you know someone you like the better looking they get the more you know someone you like the better looking they get and the exact opposite true the more you know know some you don't like the uglier they get there are people in Hollywood Angela Julie beautiful actress right there are guys that can't stand her Brad Pit good-looking guy they a woman who they want to vomit when they see him and he's good-looking and I see for every beautiful man walking down the street for every gorgeous girl walking down the street there's someone that's sick of them looks only go so far so you have to get to know somebody when I used to date in my 20s I was so nervous because I was like a little bit a Messy eater like a little slops I wouldn't go to like a pasta restaurant I would take someone to like a restaurant to have a salad and I when I go to the salad like you know what no dressing cuz it would spill in my collar and forget the avocados I would get in my teeth and forget the peppers cuz it get stuck in my like I like if I'm that nervous on the first date are you going to get to know me in the first date no not a chance you got to give at least three chances you can be missing out on the love of your life because you cuz you pooo them cuz they're 5 lbs overweight or something I have a whole Topic in the beginning of the book talks about we have so many choices nowadays in life we're not willing to settle it used to be my parents my parents met in the early 50s if they were Jewish and they had a job and they breathed they you marry them that was it now they we have so many like we have so many Choice you're not willing to settle down it doesn't make us any happier by the way with more choices it's like if you go to a restaurant and they have all these menu items sit there and you can't decide but you go to rest and has like six items you can decide and you're usually happy with what you get you must be physically attracted to the person you're going to marry you've probably gone to a wedding you know of a friend of yours and you saw the groom for the first time and you're looking at the guy and you're like oh my God he looks like Freddy Krueger and the reason is because you don't know him like she knows him exact opposite you might have gone to a to a wedding a friend of yours and you saw the group Bride for the first time you're like oh my gosh she looks like a Miss Piggy cuz you don't know her like he knows her so you must be physically attracted to them what doesn't make them physically attracted to anybody else you're the only one that must be physically attracted to them and the more you know them the more emotional connection you have I'm I'm going to give you the overall what we're talking about today it's called pies pies is an acronym for physical intellectual emotional and spiritual these are the four different kinds of connections we want to have to our spouse and the emotional for the woman is the most important we're going to get into more of this we're going to get to the second question the second question you must ask before you get married do we share common meaningful values and goals do we share common meaningful values and goals many people get married because they want to have children which by the way everyone should have children may you all be blessed with a lot of children amen but they've been married for 25 years their kids have left the house and they're staring at children with kitchen wondering why they got married in the first place because a reason for getting married is out the door many people get married they meet at running clubs they meet at softball games they meet at whatever you know PES yoga and working out is our is our purpose for getting married and of course as you know if you're married if you've worked out with your spouse before you get married there's no chance after you have kids you're working out together right it's not a chance in the world and you age you get injured if that's a reason for getting married that's not a good reason must be common you have must have common meaningful values and goals must be more than just physical I would was uh in La a few two months ago on a business trip and a shur called and said they'd like me to go to Miami and I don't it was they had like this uh um donor thing in Miami and I didn't really want to go and they said we have a couple flying from LA to Miami on their private jet we can get you on the private jet so I said fine twist my I'll go so I flew a private jet from Van's airport to Miami with this couple they're in their in their 60s they're not religious but they have a common purpose have meaning in their life they're not religious their common meaningful purpose is to help communities they help kabad in La they help with the school called Jets they help with Asia Torah and they're very big and conservative political movements and they're very involved that's something more than just physical of course in our family we have God in our life we have Torah it binds us together they say that that families that pray together stay together and there's some truth to that so you must have something more than physical common meaningful goals and values the third question is different for a man and a woman the third question that a man must ask before he marries a woman am I willing to make her happy the rest of my life I like that question am I thank you am I willing to make her happy the rest of my life if fill in the blank am I willing to make her happy if she gains 50 PBS am I willing to make her happy whatever you can think of in your mind whatever it is you have to be willing to make him happy the rest of her life I know someone might some woman might be saying well why can't I make himy happy if you make her happy she's going to make you happy happy Happ that's right the question that a woman needs to ask for a man and I didn't know this I mean if you're like in your 20s or 30s you might not know this the third question that a man must ask a woman must ask before she marries a man do I respect him men need to be respected huh did you say I mean to that yeah proves your point yeah proves your point yeah Pro I didn't hear them women you men must respect their wife for sure but there's a different need there women need to be loved they want to be respected but they need to be loved we're going to get into that a little bit later respect is more important for a guy if you're a girl and you're dating a guy and he wants to go to co and you want him to go work on Wall Street and you don't respect that that's going to be an issue or if he comes home and plays with Lal trains for 3 hours in the afternoon you don't like that that's going to be an issue wa that means wait a second I'm going to have to wait on questions so I got to keep my train of thought going I want questions I do if a guy loves me but doesn't respect me then that's not love we're we're going to get into this more okay that's a comment not a question respect we need to be respected I was TR I was uh coaching a girl recently at asan Torah and she was in the Seminary she's wicked smart she's like 24 25 good-looking smart like really smart and she was dating this guy for 2 years and she she who's in love with him she wants to marry him but she was complaining that he's not that smart and and I said what do you mean he goes well he's not just the same intellect remember we I talked about physical intellectual emotional spiritual by the way physicality must always intellect does not to be equal but needs to be close emotional especially for women is the most important thing in a relationship and then spiritual so I said to her is he in Jerusalem she was yes I met with a guy and he was a sweetheart I mean he's kind he's going to make her happy happy he got all the thing going for him but he's a little slow he was you can tell just not quite there just not quite sharp and so I told her I said you know this guy's pretty good you should you should try to make this work I mean he's he's a catch and so 6 months later I get a call from her she's in back in the United States and she says I'm struggling so I asked her these questions and when I asked her do you respect him she cried I said this guy's going to make a great husband for someone just not you and she said to me can I date him for two more years till I finish college I go no I you can't marry this guy this relationship is not going to work woman must respect her husband I want to talk about the 4as in the relationship because you know like when I got married I was I was we were not religious when we got married and as we I started grow we started coming close to the Torah and I marriage got better and better but then I started bringing in certain things into my relationship when I call the four a this is called attention affection appreciation and awareness and I call the four ra because it's easy to remember I like things that are easy I use acronyms I think songs I'll sing some songs for you tonight I like this CU attention affection appreciation and awareness what's Attention our wives need our attention we need their attention too for sure but it's a bigger issue for us especially if we work so when we come home from work here's a trick for you when we come home from work what you should do is put your phone down go to your wife and you're going to ask her three questions now this is very difficult for us cuz when I used to come home from work when I lived in Maryland I want to grab a beer and sit on the couch and watch ESPN highlights I don't want to my father used to come home from work and like um he would like put her on the garden for half an hour and then take a nap then come for dinner we don't always want to come home and talk to our wives why cuz we have a lot of stuff in our mind we have stuff see men like to share ideas women like to share feelings and we have to see their perspective and we have to make the effort to get connected them emotionally because the reason why I'm giving this class is not for you to have a good marriage it's not for you to have a great marriage it's for you to have an awesome marriage in order to do that you have to do things that go against what you think so a man has to come home put his phone down and ask his wife three questions question number one what did you do today and if you know something specific that she did today you ask her something that has to do with that number two what's in your mind and number three how do you feel and if she says fine she's not fine you keep digging in until you find out what's going on all three questions deal with different parts what you do today deals with her fingers the physical part of her what's in your mind deals with intellect and what's how do you feel deals with your heart you're dealing with three aspects and you have to sit there and you have to listen for at least 15 seconds no I'm kidding you have to sit there and listen I was I was um again in Chicago this past week a woman came up to me after my class and she was telling me that her husband she'll be talking to her husband and I'll just walk out on her like he'll be she'll be talking she'll just walk out and I said to her you know I've done it to I've done it to my wife my wife said to me a few times like can you just walk down on me I'm like I had no idea I I don't wasn't thinking cuz I start talking and the woman had to understand we only only have so much bandwidth we don't we're not like we're easy creatures we need three things food sex and respect everything else is a bonus but we don't have these Minds like you guys need to talk and we can't talk that much I'm not taking questions now we can't talk that much you have to limit how much you speak to us so we come home and ask three questions that's pretty good I mean most guys will tell you rather go out and mot the law and ask three questions most guys rather get a colonoscopy have to ask three questions but the fact your wife knows that you're asking three questions the fact you you're thinking about the fact that you know it's in your mind in your tisas that's going to build that emotional connection to your wife the most important thing to for us to do as men is to build that emotional connection with wife we make her because that that emotional connection is what builds the love and when we make her happy she's going to make us happy so you have to show attention to your wife always and when we show the attention to you they're going to show that attention back to you attention affection appreciation awareness affection how we speak not just physical attention which means when if you're married and you're a time of the month that you can you know be with your with your spouse you need to be physical with them it's not just the active physicality but like in the kitchen you when you hand them a knife you rub their hands you walk by them in in in the kitchen you rub their back whatever it is they need that physical attention so do we we need it also and the more we give to you the more they're going to give to us your words always affectionate never yell at your spouse never yell at your spouse and I know this is a big issue in a lot of relationships and I used to yell until I really learned that's a Vora because when you're yelling when you get upset you're saying God you made a mistake what's happening is not supposed to happen to me and since God doesn't make a mistake there's no reason to yell you can get upset you need to find tools in order to stop yelling cuz I don't know if you realize this but it does no good nothing positive comes from yelling nothing good comes when you yell at your kids nothing good comes when you yell at your spouse the reason why I call this book infinite marriage because I take my marriage and I put it on a pedestal just like we took the Arc in the Torah we put the ark the Torah and the Ark I put my marriage in that Ark and I make sure every decision I make in my life is based on is this good for my marriage or bad for my marriage is this good for my kids marriage and their grandkids marriage and their grandkids marriage cuz if you want your kids a great marriage the only way for that to happen is for you to show them a great marriage and when you yell that is not shown them a great marriage so your words should always be affectionate attention affection appreciation always show appreciation to your spouse I know there a woman out there saying my husband doesn't do anything but I don't respect him because doesn't do anything I can't show him appreciation you treat him like a man he you respect and he'll become a man who respect find something to respect him for and he's going to love that appreciation honey I love it when you sit on the couch and smoke a cigar and drink a beer while I'm cooking Shabbat dinner for 12 hours in the kitchen and changing eight diapers I really appreciate getting out of my way you don't to be that you know like that but you know what I'm talking about find someone to appreciate him for and if he offers at the table you take him up on it even though you know that it's a mess and he does everything backwards it doesn't matter and when you finish it in the table you don't criticize him for it when he turns around you fix it the way you like it marriage is nuanced and we have to make sure that we respect our husband and show them appreciation because we more appreciation we show them the more they're going to want to have same thing with your wife your wife burns the chicken honey that was delicious chicken you have to wait in the questions I love questions but I got to keep going attention affection appreciation awareness what's awareness awareness of your spouse's needs I was uh I live in Jerusalem and I walk everywhere I don't have a car so I walk the City lot to teach I walk I mean I walk I I I didn't realize but the iPhone has the thing that keep count the steps I finally figured this out like 3 months ago I'm walking like six seven miles a day and my socks get a lot of holes in them and I just I didn't say anything to my life I like all my socks have holes in them that's all I I said to myself next thing I know Amazon's my friend wor a bag of socks my wife wored them she I didn't ask her she she heard me and I'll get a t I'll hear my wife in the kitchen like oh I'm running out of out of uh flower I'm running out of yeast my wife makes holl every every single week my wife H are awesome I got to tell you I mean the whole thing in my when we have a lot of lot students at our house and like the kids were like stay away from H stay away from H CU that's all you eat you don't get to the chicken and the fish because H's we call it crack holla you know it's so good but if she if I hear her say flow I think myself I have to get her flour and I can't wait cuz I know she needs my awareness I know my wife needs yeast and flour every single week now certain things I know like okay let's say the chair breaks okay I'll get it fixed by the end of the month I'm not so Stark on that because I know that can wait but when I know my wife needs something I get it and I don't wait cuz I put that marriage on that marriage is infinite marriage for me and I want to keep that emotional connection to my wife strong and when I do things for my wife she knows about it okay I want to talk about sunscreen love Yeah sunscreen love any here go to the beach you go to the beach do you ever put sunscreen on you you don't do it do you Sun screen so I used to go when I was living in in in Virginia I used to go to Dewey beaks Delaware it was like a a lot of young people used to go and it' be like a lot of young people playing volleyball and it was fun for me so I go in the morning I put SPF 15 or 30 on and I'd be playing all day on the beach playing in the waves taking walks taking a nap having lunch whatever I was doing I come back to my house in the afternoon and what would happen I'd be burnt what happened what happened sunscreen wore off the sunscreen wore off I forgot to reapply love is the exact same way when you're young and you're 20s and 30s and get married we're love it's easy guess what happens you get busy in life you have kids you have hobbies you have jobs if you don't Romance the relationship if you don't reapply the love in the relationship your relationship will burn I know men in their 40s and 50s that have gotten divorce letters from their wife's attorneys and they had no of Rel relationship was faltering fairly common by the way what happened they forgot to work on a relationship they forgot to romance the relationship romance is the act of taking that infatuation lust and desire and turning into love if you don't work on it your relationship will burn and that relationship that love is B that that romance is based on the four a attention affection appreciation and awareness and it's based on One More Concept I grew up in an ashkanazi house it know secular but my mom my mom used to criticize me a lot may may she rest in peace and you don't realize that you criticize like we do it without even thinking about it I don't know if it's an asazi thing or Jewish thing maybe it's every maybe it's any anyone maybe Italian I have no idea we criticize and we don't think about it as becomes now just criticize criticize criticize but every time you criticize your spouse what you're doing is you're wiping the suncreen off there's an idea a that you can criticize 20% of the time say you know positive things 80% of the time I say when with your spouse you shoot for 100 zero why because you're going to make mistakes you're not going to be perfect but you should be shooting 100% of the time that you're not going to criticize your SP you're going to compliment them complimenting your spouse will put sun screen on will build the love in the relationship and we don't think about this you know I was uh coaching a girl she came to us for spot dinner she was in her 40s and she just had a date she just became religious in the last few years she moved to Israel and she dat she wanted to date with this Sparty guy and he's not like religious but it's kind of you know Sparty people like some this I think it's F right so they're at a restaurant and he goes to they're having bread I guess he goes to wash he washes his hand comes back to table and he starts to eat his bread and she said to him aren't you going to say AB Braha and he's like no and she goes you know you're supposed to say a Braha he's like okay and I said to her the relationship obviously didn't work I said to her do you know you criticized him she goes no he didn't I'm like yes you did you criticized him no I didn't I just told him he's why why didn't you say Braha I go you don't think it's criticism but he's taking it as criticism and we do this all the time in our relationship you say things to your spouse and you don't think it's criticism but it's criticism cuz you have to be able to see things from someone else's perspective you want to have a passionate relationship in your life think something from other someone else's perspective just like we talked earlier about when you go into a relationship you have to have common definition of love because you have a different perspective than the person you're going to marry and if you're not on the same page you're going to have a problem perspective is everything so I compliment my wife constantly I don't criticize do I make mistakes yes but I have a little song that I sing in my house and it really helps me to remember to compliment my wife compliment don't create a size compliment don't create aze or she'll find another guy compliment don't criticize or she'll poke you in the eye compliment don't criticize or he'll say bye bye bye compliment don't CRI size live under sunny skies thank you I'll be here next week actually I won't but that could be that song is in the book The song is not in the book sorry not everything's in the book every time you compliment your spouse you're putting sunscreen on every time you criticize him you're wiping it off know people always ask me like because again I was not didn't start learning Torah until my mid-40s and people say how did you become a religious I said I had a big job in the city working for the dollar every night and day this old Rabbi told me I was fit to be holy get yourself a Bible son and see what it say instead of getting her the Roses get yourself the five books of Moses learn it learn it from the Torah well I read a bit about creation the Garden of Eden and and Adam and Eve came through able no was but was stable the more I read War the more I believe the reason why we got big noses it's just stick him in the five books of Moses learn it learn it from the Torah thank you thank you huh singer another live for I used to sing it's funny it's true I used to be in chorus when I was in high school in elementary school anyway thank you I actually was a very good pianist and I want I want to start bringing piano into my act cuz I was excellent in piano anyway I want to give you another idea because it's because relationships are they're not easy but if you have this wisdom I'm giving you today you'll be able to manage anything so I talked about perspective so you have to have the idea that was what whatever is important to your spouse has to be important to you you have to make what's important to them important to you and it's not so easy all the time so when I first got married my wife wanted to go see these modern dance shows I go with her I don't really like it but I go cuz I knew was important to her that's easy right and she come with me to see the the the uh a symphony at Kennedy Center in DC that's easy but this is where it gets a little more interesting in my family I do a lot of cooking I like to cook but I'm also kind of a neat freak so when I'm done cooking I take all the dishes and I put them in the sink and my wife after dinner will clean my wife kindly asked me can you please place the sharp knives on the side of the sink does that seem like a simple request not for me see from my perspective my counters are dirty if it's a dirty knife on the sink in the counter I want to make sure everything's in sink so I didn't do it I didn't do it then I'd grab seven small Forks because I had the time had five little kids and I grab seven small Forks how you doing seven and I put them on the table for everyone and my wife Connie asked me can you please bring me a large Fork so I take the small Fork I open the kitchen grab a Larch workk and give it to her and after this happening a number of times kept happening kept happening I said to myself Daniel because that's my name I said why can't I do what my wife wants why can't I bring her a large Fork why can't I leave the sharp knives in the sink you see from my perspective I don't care what Fork I eat with from my perspective I give with a large Fork a small Fork toothpicks tongues tweezers my fingers I don't care what you Fork you with but here's the problem I'm not living with myself I'm living with somebody else marriage is not about me marriage is about we and I have to see things from her perspective so I started changing I said you know what just bring her a large Fork just leave the sharp knives ins side of the sink was it hard for me to do no that was easy but you know what was hard my ego cuz I didn't want to change cuz from my perspective I thought I was right and from myec my perspective I am right I don't care what for you with invite me to your house and give me some toothpicks I'll I you know I'll toothpick I'll e with them tweezers fine but I'm not living with myself I'm living with somebody else and I have to see things from their perspective so I had to get over my ego because in a relationship your ego is not your amigo I'm serious it destroy relationships you know what ego stands for exiting God out because I said when you have anger when we talk about anger when you have anger you're saying God you made a mistake and I don't want I don't believe God makes mistakes everything that happens to me is for a reason my wife doesn't me I don't like it's for me to learn for me to grow from I can't change her but I can change my reaction to her and if you show that emotional connection to your wife if you pay attention to those three things those three questions you ask if you respect your husbands you're going to build the passion in relationship I'm going to give you one last idea take a message for me please I'm going give you one last message one idea about showing respect when I come home from work I used to work now I just teach when I come up from teaching my wife will be on the phone and she'll say Sarah I have to get off the phone now click hi honey go hey how you doing that is a game changer in my life why my wife is stopping what she's doing recognizing I'm walking in and getting off the phone we need to be respected that's all we ask that's all we ask for we're simple beings we're not that difficult by the way my wife doesn't talk on the phone she's faking and I know she's faking and I don't care I'm happy to walk in my wife get off the phone pretend she's faking on the phone cuz the me that showed me she cares about me cuz she have a passionate relation with me and she knows I need to be respected and I know she needs to be loved and I have to figure out my the love language which by is in my book The love language for my wife is and for my wife it's me coming home and connecting to her asking those three questions we can all have a passionate relationship the ability is there you just have to have the wisdom it starts off with understanding when you're going dating when you're in the dating world you got to be able to listen to the person you're going out with internalize it understand it as men we're not as good about that but you have to also realize that we can only handle so much what you're saying there's got to be a fine balance and then when you get to the research phase you're learning about someone you're not going to find all those skeletons in the closet that's a fact I said that you're not going to find them all there are things about your spouse you're going to marry that you're not going to like there is friction there is turbulence in every single relationship every single one I haven't talked about this all over the last week but I'll give you an analogy I learned from Adrien gold she's a she's a educator of momentum in Israel and she says like this when do you get divorced imagine you're in a car accident and you hurt your leg and you go to the hospital and they tell you you have two choices we can save the leg we have an operation 6 months of physical training Physical Therapy another operation maybe some more physical therapy and maybe a third operation it's going to take two to three years and be very painful or we can chop the leg off now what are you going to do most of us are going to try to save the leg but after 2 or 3 years if it's so painful and you see no end in sight then you get divorced but until then you handle the pain every relationship is going to go through friction and you have to do the work and you have to handle the pain and you'll get through it if you have someone to guide you my blessing to you that you all have a passionate relationship you all bring God down to your life you show your wives Love by understanding what their needs are pies physical intellectual emotional and spiritual but the most important thing for you guys to know they want an emotional connection to us and that means we have to become vulnerable and open up and talk to them and listen to them and women you have to understand that we're easy beings we just need to be respected we need food and sex which are good too but we need to be respected and when you understand these concept Concepts you will have an unbelievable relationship my blessing to you is they may take this wisdom bring it home with you internalize it it's all my book infinite marriage it's also my podcast living in Clarity a lot of the stuff's on the podcast plus self-esteem plus lots of other stuff you got to have a coach I mean I don't have to be a coach but like how do you I don't understand how you can go into a relationship nowadays having someone guiding you there's too much stuff being thrown our ways if you don't have the good Rabbi or reiton or coach you need someone to guide you by the way the average Fortune 500 company spends $400 million a month on Consultants why because it helps their bottom line when do people who are married get Consultants when things are falling apart don't wait for that to happen you start learning now before you're dating understand what passion the the four phases of love and you two will have a passionate loving relationship with one person the rest of your life thank you very much