Coach Ratner (NIGHT 1) | Infinite Relationships: Finding & Keeping Your Soulmate | Chazaq

[Music] good evening everyone thank you everyone for joining us tonight it's very special Shear umak together with bjx we such a great partnership and organizing so many great programs and events for the community at large of course you want to thank um Rabbi Rabbi Mo finger finger bjx give a round of applause for all the unbelievable work they [Applause] do and I want to give us shout out to um who introduced us to to coach partner we have mayor Mark over here we're having an event tonight over here in Brooklyn event tomorrow in Queens and um um just a quick word about um kazak of course we or know organize different amazing sh and events different communities like tonight um to to inspire men women everyone to to get inspiration on their NE on their on their on their Jewish journey of course has a big focus on public school Outreach programs in 15 different locations um inspiring them and of course we have a special division called Public School Yeshiva which is transferred for 1500 children for public school yiva so so many tremendous um um programs and of course we're going to hear tonight from coach Ratner but first we're going to hear some opening remarks from uh rosha finger so without further Ado this ground Applause Raa finger [Applause] [Music] thank you Robbie so much it's always a pleasure to collaborate with kazak and you should be blessed the organization yourself to continue to impact and to empower Jews wherever they are amen amen tonight we're talking about relationships so I want to share with you a story The Great the founder of theic movement of bmov the bmov he was so great he was a Mystic he was so close to Hashem one day he lost all of his spiritual achievements he forgot every single gumar he forgot every single Hala he forgot every single verse in the Torah how horrendous how sad how tragic and the bahto felt almost betrayed he felt all alone he felt so isolated we say in be said Judaism more than anything else is a relationship Judaism is not so much a religion it's a relationship are you close to God Almighty do you feel his love it's all about the relationship the poor bahm was devastated he said you know what I'm going to do I'm going to start seeing the AL Bas and hopefully all those mados all those levels those spiritual achievements which I once had I'll hopefully regain and he started to say the letters of the Al B Alive B giml nothing valid hey nothing he continued until he got to the very last letter tough suff and all of a sudden the gift what he once possessed was returned to him that relationship was again strengthened the relationship with God Almighty returned and where did learned this from perhaps from the patriarch Jacob Jacob yob was called the he was the most chosen of all the forefathers more than Abraham more than Isaac Jacob was the one he was so close he was so special and the Jewish people were called B Israel after Jacob Jacob is actually he's the only one that's on the amover the celestial Chariot which is a focus of cabala mysticism esoteric Jacob but do you know about Jacob's life do you know that Jacob for 22 long years he lost his relationship with God Almighty did you know that the most chosen of the forefathers Jacob 22 long years as long as his son Joseph was missing was absent Theo disappeared from Jacob and what did Jacob do what did yob do what did he do you know what he did he doed even though he didn't have the the divine presence he doed to reestablish his relationship with God Almighty that's what he did he did it not for one week not for one year not for one decade he did it for years 22 years and that's what it means to be a Jew that no matter where our relationship today stands with our friends with our spouse between ourselves between our relationship with God Almighty it doesn't make a difference we can reconnect we can rest strengthen we can reacquire and improve that relationship and that's incumbent upon every single Jew because Judaism more than anything else is a relationship so I hope tonight you re we will all will receive tremendous elucidation about relationships coach Ratner um it's real honor and pleasure our students mentioned to me they messaged me they said oh I had him in Isa Torah I went to a Shabbat meal by him so even though he's new here in Beach X he's like an old friend coming back so we're very very honored and um hopefully this will be life wisdom that we'll be able to retain and hold on to something that we'll cherish as we whether we pursue new relationships or work to enhance old relationships without further Ado coach [Applause] Ratner thank you byby pleasure thank you it's a pleasure to be here tonight I'm so excited this is my ninth talk in like since Wednesday so this is really a lot I have another one tonight later tonight and I have another two tomorrow it's really I I can't tell you what a pleasure it is and I I I get a thrill I was last night in Roslin and and great neck and after the talk I I couldn't I had to forc myself out they were and then guys were texting me today I was meeting all day day with people just to give them Clarity I like Clarity in life that's what I'm about Clarity in fact my podcast is called living in Clarity cuz I like living in Clarity I I do most of the podcast with Reis and Lori patnik have a lot of guest and stuff we have a new podcast coming out today so why am I here tonight why am I here first of all the Rob I want to tell you about myself a little bit my name is Daniel Ratner and I'm from Virginia Maryland area and I was not raised in an observant home I raised a very very secular home and I got married to my wife and then we uh discovered Rabbi and RB and Lori patnik who started teaching us and we um you know started our Jewish Journey eventually moved into a community then we had five children bem and then we moved in Israel 5 years ago where I started to teach at Asia Torah and I teach in n and I teach for lots of seminaries and lots of groups come to Israel so please if you want to hear more of me I teach at the essentials program which is now going to start twice uh every day in in The Old City I think Sunday through Thursday I'll be there twice a week teaching and it's public classes you can come in and and and you I'm happy if I have time afterwards to meet with you which is great so why am I here tonight why am I writing this book so you know I was married about 5 or 10 years to my wife and I said to her you know why is it that our marriage is like equal to everybody else's you know have all these marriages in the world today they functional people getting divorced Hollywood you know movie stars get married 5 six seven times why is it our marriage the same I feel like there should be a second level marriage what I call marriage 2.0 just like you go to the Apple Store to upgrade your phone you should be able to upgrade your marriage so I came with the idea of what I call the four phases of love and the reason why you know if you take 100 marriages today in the world I'm not talking the F world I'm talking the general World 100 marriages how how many get divorced what come out you're about to say something how many 55 60 it's it's very high over half get divorced of the ones that are not divorced the ones that are still married how many of them do you think are in passionate loving relationships 20% 10 10 20 20 got 30 20 it's low right if you get married today you have less this is this is you know this is just approximation you have less than a one in five chance of having a happy passionate loving relationship let's all get married it sounds great right no it's horrible it's horrible and no one's you know walking down the aisle we're in love together we're not going to be statistic yet one only one in five are going to succeed so what is going on and that's what this talk is about you know it's interesting the biggest decision you're going to make in your life is who you're going to marry the biggest decision yet no one's taking class classes taking courses reading books infinite marriage the four phases of a ling relationship which is out like right now it's I don't think you can get at the bookstore but it's on pre-order at ERS and Mosaic cpress I don't know where else I'm not really sure I'm not into selling books I'm into spreading wisdom I usually give them away they won't let give me away I have other books you can download my first two books for free at coach.com T to well it's too much information anyway I'm happy to give them away but they won't let me do this now so you have to buy the book anyway everything you're hear tonight is in the book plus a lot more I'm not going to keep you here for 3 hours which I'd like to do but I have another talk to go to so you're going to become get a real estate license if you're to become an accountant you're going to become a lawyer you got to study and study and study get the biggest decision you're going to make in your life you're going to without any wisdom whatsoever no wonder that PE people fail so bad in their marriages so I put I put love and relationships into four phases phase one is what I call the crush this is when you got with a guy or a girl and they're kind of cute they make you laugh and you want to go out some more like you know I can see dating this person and you go out with them for you know a little bit once or twice and you get to the crush now the crush might be confused with infatuation which has a negative connotation but sometimes you need to have that infactuation that that in order to get to love and I do want to say one thing before I start in this book and also you can download for free on my website a a worksheet that helps clarify the 10 characteristics that would be good for you in a relationship not what you think you want cuz those are two different things God's not going to give you what you want he's going to give you what you need and those are two different things because when you say what I what I want in a relationship what you're basically naming is your characteristics because who do you love the most yourself so when you say who I want in a relationship you want to marry yourself but guess what you already have enough of you you don't need any more of yourself you need someone to complete you as a person and we learn an idea in the Torah when elezar is looking for a wife for yok he prays and he's praying and the Torah doesn't say this but he's praying for two characteristics that he wants to find when he finds riska he's praying for kindness and awareness he's praying that she would notice he's thirsty and she's praying he's praying that she will notice the campell's KN thirsty also which Rifka did Rifka was kind was a kindness and she had awareness and the Torah says yit married Rifka what's the next line loved Rifka which means he married her before he loved her is that a possibility in this world yes it is if you can open your heart and you know the character as you want and you don't have a lot of dysfunction you can certainly get married before you love somebody you have to do a lot of research and be be securing yourself but I know that's not typical in the world today so we're going to talk about love because most people are in love before they get married so you have this crush and you get to phase two which is what I call the research phase phase this is the phase it's very exciting cuz everything's new you're like learning about the person you're trying to learn their likes and their dislikes and you're trying to find the skeleton skeletons in the closet which you're not going to find them all and it's interesting because when I was uh setting up people up in America I would say Israel is different when I say oh are are you know I have someone for you I'm like oh I'm busy I'm busy that's what they say but in America they say I'm seeing someone what does it mean when you're singing Someone it means you're dating it means you're dating someone right what should they be saying I am listening to someone cuz listening is how relationships are formed the word listen and Silent have the same exact letters when I was in my I was not raised in a religious home like I said before so I was dating in the secular world I couldn't get a second date I was my early 20s and I couldn't get a second date and my one of my friends said to me he has a lot of wisdom he's still a very good friend of mine actually he said when you go on a date with a woman don't talk just listen I'm like what really he goes yeah that's how they connect emotionally and he's correct he's completely correct when you're going on a date when you're dating you people you have to listen now there's two kinds of listening there's hearing going in one ear out the other and there's listening internalizing understanding it the second paragraph of shamad we say twice a day here and you shall listen listening is an art form most people don't listen very well especially this side of the room no offense we don't we have a hard time listening we're to get into that right right so many stories okay I was I was coaching uh I was I was in Chicago a woman after the class she uh she said that when she talks to her husband he like walks out on her in the middle of the conversation and um and I've done that to my wife before I admit I've done before and I said well some of the time we we only have so much bandwidth we can't we're going to get into this a little bit later but I said you were you need to talk in bullet points like you have to be concise because women like to talk men like to share ideas women like to share their feelings we like to watch GSN with a beer do you understand the difference like we have different needs and desires and like the woman also have to understand that we can only handle so much talking so if there's something you want to share with your husband or your boyfriend and you're a talker you have to understand we only have so much bandwidth now we have to do a better job listening which we're going to get into we're going to give you some tips both sides to help each other okay so that's the research phase then you to phase three which I called the commitment the commitment I obviously marriage but in today's world I'm writing this book for the world and like not every like what I to get married you like so I call the commitment but really means marriage and this is where the problem lies who here single of you single people how many you want to be married okay most of your hands are going up right you want to be married you're not sure right I don't know you don't know well with this by the way remember I told you the St the status of marriage today this does not include any of you the fact that you're here tonight hearing this wisdom means those statistics are going out the window my goal for this class is for you to be in a passionate loving relationship with one person the rest of your life if you're not I failed and I have no intention of failing do you get that this is where're going to game tonight I know it's a big order but I'm going to make my effort right so you get to the commitment and this is where the problem lies everyone wants to get married and I think once they get married they they I got I'm married I'm done the day you get married is the day the hard work starts I had a couple in my class on in Friday night I did a shop atone young people there was a couple there beautiful couple Jewish they just got engaged a few months ago they're getting married in June I said great what have you been doing the last few months they said well we've been planning the wedding like what like you know who's in The A List the b list the caterer the you know the wedding venue the theme the colors the k caterer of the band I go that's great how long do your wedding last 5 hours max what should be what should they be planning together the rest of their life the day you get married is the day the hard work starts if you ever watched a romantic comedy I used to watch movies many years ago I don't really watch anything anymore except missiles flying you know being shot over my house besides that I uh you You' watch romantic comedy what's the last scene in the movie the wedding it's the wedding right how can they never show 10 20 30 years later because it wouldn't be romantic comedy it'd be a murder mystery the day you get married is the day the hard work starts so there has to be another phase and I call it phase four and that phase I call never leaving never leaving and the reason why I called never leaving I'll tell you end of the class because this is the point in your relationship you've been married 5 10 15 years and you realize that there is someone better in every single characteristic that in your spouse there's someone who's a better lover someone opens up more emotionally someone's not a slob someone's a better cook someone who's skinnier someone who's whatever it is there's someone better in every single relationship in every single quality and you real but you finally realize the person you married isn't perfect but you realize they're perfect for you and that's the phase that I want you to get to the phase of never leaving now what's the difference between the phase of the commitment and phase of never leaving there's a lot because you are only committed to things until you're not committed anymore I mean how many times you like New Year's comes like I'm going to work out three times a week right you work out for two weeks and you quit or I'm going to eat a vegan diet or I'm GNA stop smoking pot or I'm going to keep kosher or I'm going to keep kosher while I'm not smoking pot whatever it's going to be right and you just keep it up for a while and then you can't hold it up you're committed to a political party you committed to a school you're not committed anymore you're only committed to your not committed anymore it is not enough you have to get to the phase of never leaving and that's we're going to talk about today one of the first things that I learned from RAB Noah Weinberg the founder of a Torah I got to meet him thank God I got to meet him I mean he doesn't well he's not alive anymore but he he uh he kissed me in the cheek I met him once he kissed me in the cheek I wasn't it's really I don't I don't tell the story very often I was in 2007 or8 and I just started learning and my Reon says oh you want to go to the ASA Torah Partners conference in Connecticut I'm living in in Maryland at the time I'm like I'm not a partner in an orthodox organization I mean I was very secular just let it be know very secular I'm I'm not a partner in an orthodox organization and then the night before the conference she said um by the way we have a private jet going one of our donors is going and there's room for you your wife and your two little kids I said twist my arm so I drove to V airport they valed my car I walked into this Lounge got a cappuccino walk in the plane I flew a private jump up to White Plains New York and went to this conference and that's when I met Noah heinberg and he kissed me on the cheek little did I know that I'd be teaching at that same institution that he kissed me the cheek one that you know 10 years later or something it's really amaz amazing amazing story so um he said you have to Define your terms so you who here wants to be in love you okay okay tell me what love is giving I really think it's about understanding and and understanding there's a difference between loyalty and love and and um really staying strong and committed even through like really tough times right my dog is so committed to me my dog mocha she's lab she is so committed to me I mean she does not leave my side wherever I in the house she's following me around anybody else leaving respect respect respect is very important we're going to get into that in a second I'm just going to tell you now cuz I've living a time go ahead how about working together yes yeah my friend cab and Jake we work together we have a hard money business we Lear money all the time we work together we love each other I'm I'm making fun of you I'm sorry I don't make fun of you okay so what I'm going to give you is I call the feeling of Love which what you said is giving and I put this in my new book because I feel like there's the feeling of being love and actually the definition of love and I did this with marriage also the feeling of Love is wanting to give without getting anything in return that's what it feels like to be in love when some woman you give you give G Never Enough we're going to get into that okay okay so anyone here like anyone here like fish like salmon or anyone here like fish you like fish what kind of fish you like salmon how do you like it cooked baked salmon I had sushi tonight I went to some place here in flat Bush delicious sushi so good yum anyway what's your name yafa yafa beautiful name how old are you wait don't tell me don't tell me your age you're not ever supposed to ask woman her age how much do you weigh just kidding yaa you like salmon right yeah if yaa you love salmon yaa loves salmon she loves salmon right we all love salmon if yaa really loves salmon you know what she would do she would take a salmon put it in a bowl of water by her nightstand she read it fish stories all night and take it from fish play dates you don't love salmon you love the pleasure the salmon brings you Rabbi tski calls that Aram T call that fish love it's called fish love yafa has an infatuation with salmon she doesn't really love salmon she has an infatuation with salmon many people get married for infatuation and they confuse it with love the definition of love the definition of Love is the emotional pleasure you feel when you focus on the virtues of another person and you continue to associate them with those virtues as you age again the definition of Love is the emotional pleasure you feel when you focus on the virtues of someone else and you continue to associate with those virtues I'll say it more simple there's a reason why you fell in love what happened to those reasons why are so many relationships falling apart what happened to those reasons you fell in love or another way i' put it everyone's crazy so you better remember why you fell in love let me give you an anology this is actually this is this actual reason is why I started writing this course I was sitting in a hotel room in Fort Lauderdale and I saw a TV show anyone watch the Food Network Food Network what's your favorite show chopped chopped okay this is the show thank you the reason why this show reminds me of marriage is because when they start the they have four chefs that come on on the contest on the show and they have to make they have 15 minutes or 20 minutes to make an appetizer and when they have they start that time they have to open this basket full of very unusual ingredients these are ingredients that most chefs don't cook with like snake meat Squid Ink yika powder snail urine I mean like who cooks with snail urine right I made that one up anyway and they have to use in the dish and marriage is the exact same way you're coming into a relationship you have your basket full of stuff you're going to marry another person they have their basket full of stuff and you you try to so-called cook in the kitchen together and you try and you try and you didn't realize they had so many unusual ingredients and you try and sometimes you fail those ingredients can be anger issues lack of trust issues inability to open up emotionally dysfunction slob anger not listening whatever many issues everyone has issues you know what interesting I never hear people people you know divorcing their kids you ever heard of that yeah you don't pick your kids yeah you pick your spouse and you divorce them what's that about it's cuz you stopped cuz you tell my mom will call her back it's because you stopped focusing on why you fell in love with him in the first place am I making sense okay now we're going to get to another topic there's many topics I have the three date rule what's whatever we're going to get into some things but I want to talk about the three questions you must ask before you marry somebody the three questions you must ask before you marry someone question number one am I physically attracted to them which by the way doesn't make them physically attract to anybody else they only need to be physically attracted to you the reason why I have a three date rule which I'm not get into the reason I have it is because you the more you know someone you like the better looking they get do you understand what I'm saying the more you know some you like the better looking where's the exact opposite the more you don't like someone no matter how good-looking they are the uglier they get I always use these two as an example if you have a better example for me please let me know Angela Julie beautiful woman actress on C Hollywood right it's gorgeous there are many actors that can't stand her have no interest in going out with her Brad Pit good-look guy they're woman who can't stand him for every gorgeous man walking down the street for every beautiful woman walking down the street there is someone that is sick of them looks only go so far you might have been to a wedding you're a guy you might have been weding one of your buddies and you never met the grp you never met the bride before and you go to the wedding and you go to the BEDA and you see the bride and you say man she looks like Miss Piggy and the reason is because you don't know her like he knows her and you might have been a girl might have been to a you know with her best friend and she saw the groom for the first time and she oh my God she looks like Freddy kruer the reason why you don't know him like she knows him looks only go so far and I have an idea a concept that's called first date bias when you go on your first date the only thing you have to go on is what they look like that's it this why you have to give at least three chances because you don't know someone after one date when I used to date when I was dating I date a lot in my 20s and 30s I was I was always worried about like spilling food on myself I was not careful with eating I've gotten much better now and so I would never go to a pasta place or a pizza place I'd go to a place have salads and I say that when I order a salad can I please have a salad sure I go uh yeah can you NYX the avocados because they can get you know stain on your shirt forget the dressing I I don't want dressing and no no Peppers no no you know carrots forget about it get caught in your teeth I'll have a bowl of lettuce and if I'm like that on my first date are you going to get to know me in the first date not a chance the first question you to ask before you marry someone am I physically attracted am I physically attracted to them which doesn't make them physically attracted to anybody else except you the second question you must ask before you marry someone do we share common meaningful values and goals do we share common meaningful values and goals that are more than just physical let me give you an example many people marry because they want to have children may you all be blessed with a lot of children amen right but that cannot be the only reason why you get married married because then what happens 20 25 years you've been married you have a couple in the kitchen staring at each other wondering why they got married in the first place because the reason for marriage is out the window has left the house do you understand my point many people meet at uh Pilates classes and yoga classes and softball games and running clubs it's great I mean I think people should work out I think working out is very good happens is you get married you have kids and guess what do you work out together anymore probably not and then the reason for being married goes away and guess what you're wondering why you're in a horrible relationship you get married for money same thing money I'm not going to get into the money but like Bill Gates got divorced Jeff bases got divorced that is not I rather you have money than not have money but that is not a good reason to get married it must be more than physical you know I give this class to many people even non-jews and I don't I you know I I really personally believe that having God in your life having toy in your life is the foundation for a passionate Ling relationship we have something in our life to guide us shop us is the focus of our life learning Torah and learning the Mitzvah and learning to love each other and learning everything about Torah gives us balance in our life now if you're not religious it still can be you can still have something that's meaningful and value for example I um I was in LA back in early February and I was there for business and a Shor asked me to go to Miami they had like some sort of conference they want they meet some donors I'm like I I don't I don't need to go I don't work for them I don't work for I just teach there and it cost money to go They're not going to pay for me like I'm not I don't need to go to Miami so they said to me we have a couple that are flying from LA to Miami on the private jet what if we can get you a ride on the private jet another private jet story isn't that funny funny I didn't think about that and so I said you're kidding me right like no I'm like okay I'll do it whatever so I end up flying from Van eyes a private airport I flew from Van eyes to Miami with this couple they're in their late 60s they have no children they're both Jewish and they spent their time working on charitable causes they're very big donors to jet in in La which is a kabad school and they uh are very big in conservative political movements they give to AA Tor and they're involved this is their meaning common meaningful goal and value something more than physical if you don't have something meaningful uh to hold by in your relationship you're going to have a hard time meeting and purpose one of the most important things in life purpose being forward looking and meeting being back looking when you have a purpose that creates meaning in your life when you have meaning in your life it's so much easier to be in a relationship and the third question you must ask before you get married is different for a man than a woman the third question that a man must ask before he gets married am I willing to make her happy the rest of my life am I willing to make her happy the rest of my life if fill in the blank if she gains 50 pounds if she whatever it is I was coaching a guy today this is true today he was young and he he was trying to chase this girl and he he finally went he had a double date with her and her friend and she hadn't seen her in a few months and she gained like 10 lbs or something and then he liked he liked her friend his her friend better cuz she was better looking I'm like this is not the way to have a relationship like you're we're all going to age we're all going to get heavy we you has to be more than just right you have to be willing to make her happy the rest of her life no matter what because when you make her happy she'll make you happy and I'm going to give you Clues today on how to make her happy the Third question you must ask before you get married for a woman you ready for this one and this is something when you're in your 20s and 30s you don't really recognize but as I've gotten older it is true I could tell in in some of the classes I get that the older men like understand this the third question a woman must ask before she marries a man is do I respect them men need to be respected we want to be loved but we need respect women on the other hand a husband should respect her her his wife but she needs love do you understand the difference men need respect if a man works for a Fortune 500 company he's a president he comes home from Wall Street and goes home and everyone bows down at work and he comes home and his wife doesn't respect him that marriage is going to have a hard time it's going to have a hard time and if you are married and you have a husband and he doesn't you find nothing to respect him for you treat him like a man you respect and he become a man you respect if he sits on the couch all day while you're cooking Shabbat dinner and does nothing you say to your husband thank you so much for staying out of the kitchen it really helped me a great deal and he's going to love that compliment and he's going to try to help you do something else if he sets the table and the table's all messy and you don't like the way he does it instead of saying I don't want to set the table you live in a mess that's not what you do you say thank you honey for sitting the table I really appreciate it and when he turns around you fix the table yourself I'm being honest we want to be respected we do it's so important for we're we're very simple beings food sex respect we're good that's all we need we want to be love that's what we need and I'm going to give you a tip in order how you respect your husband this works for me if it doesn't work for you I understand I put this is this is one I I have a my podcast I have a guy in a student an a student who's in Guatemala he put shorts up on you for on different podcasts and there's one this exactly one I'm going to tell you in a second got so many comments CU people don't agree with it but it's it works for me when I come home from learning or work I used to come home from America I worked and I come now from learning or teaching I'll walk into my house my wife will be Sarah I have to go now my husband just walked in Click hi Honey Game Changer I know when I walk into the house that my wife's stopping what she's doing and she's respecting me and for me that is way more important than her running up and giving me hugs and kisses do you understand my point that's what we need respect and by the way my wife doesn't talk on the phone she's faking it and I don't care we have three questions we got this three questions down okay now we're going to talk about something called Sunscreen love and I came up with this concept because it I use a lot of analogies and you you he chopped before I start sunscreen love I want to talk about the pies the pies is my acronym for the marriage pies consist of four things p i e s physical intellectual emotional and spiritual physicality must always intellectual eh she somewhat be on the same intellect but emotional is the most important thing and then spiritual I'm going to give you a case study I was coaching a girl at Asia Torah sharp as a whip 24 25 really sharp like really really sharp and she told me about her boyfriend she' been dating for she's in love with him she wants to marry him but she's confused because he's not that smart and she told me all these great things about him and I'm like it sounds great I'd love to meet him well he's an asor also she was in the the gester program and he was in in the base so I met the guy or he's a gester so I met him and the guy is super awesome I mean he's sweet he's kind he's caring he's got all the he's got all the gifts you want he's a little slow I mean you can tell just just not quite there you know just like she's wicked sharp she's going to be in sales and be successful he's just not quite there something's going on with him I don't know what it is but he's awesome and I said to her this guy's awesome I mean I you know he's he's going to be make a great husband I can see you marry him six months later I got a call from her she's struggling she's back in America and she says to I said so I asked her these three questions I said do you respect him and she started crying I said to her you know he's going to make a great husband someday just not for you and and she says I should break up with him I go yeah then she said can I date him for two more years till I get finished College I go no you can't do to this guy it's true story woman must respect her husband sunscreen love okay anyone here go to the beach you go to the beach um sometimes sometimes any want to go to the beach anyone Beach guys you you put sunscreen on okay you guys are no fun I us going to be all the time I lived in I like I said I lived I was in a secular life before I learned Torah and I would go to Dewey Beach and Delaware and I put sunscreen on SPF 30 or 15 whatever I put in the morning at 9:00 I go to the beach all day and I'm busy on the beach cuz I'm playing volleyball playing in the waves reading a book taking a nap having lunch I'm busy right I come back at 4 in the afternoon in the house and I'm burnt all over what happened I didn't reapply the sunscreen love is the exact same way you fall in love love your early 20s you're walking down the aisle we mean love forever and your love comes easy you're TW so easy right your love and you get busy you have kids have more kids you have a job you have hobbies life gets in the way and you forget to romance the relationship and next thing you know you find your relationships burning I know guys in their 40s and 50s have gotten divorce letters from their wife attorneys and they had no idea their relationship was faltering they had no concept and the reason was they forgot to romance the relationship romance is taking that lust and fatuation love and lust and turning it into love and if you don't work on it your relationship will burn you have to live with the 4 A's I know I'm giving a lot of information I'm cutting a lot out because I've been giving way too much information someone said coach it's too much from us it's too much they love it but it's too much the 4 A's are attention affection appreciation and awareness it's the little things that a person does to her spouse on a daily basis that builds the love in that relationship I'm think about the 4as in a second how do you sunscreen love so I grew up in a ashkanazi family and my mom used to criticize us a lot take a message from me my mom used to criticize us a lot my all my kids and my brothers and sisters and my brothers become very critical whatever you know we all become critical and we don't think we're being critical like it's part of our life just to criticize it comes it comes natural without even thinking about it I was I'm I was coaching a 40-year-old girl and she had just become religious and she was um going on a date with Sparty guy and they had a date in Nat and Sparty guy he's not really religious but he's connected whatever so they're having some bread and he goes to wash and he washes his hands and he comes to the table and he eats a sandwich and she says to him aren't you going to say abaha he's like no he goes she says you're supposed to say abaha he goes I guess and I said to her do you know you're criticizing him she goes no I'm not I told this girl she told me my house she my dinner table I was like do you know you criticize him she goes I didn't criticize him that's criticism even though you don't think it's criticism she I'm trying to help him make him to a better person no you're criticizing him he's seeing as critical when you tell your wife you know uh you kind of overcook the chicken and you think to yourself I'm trying to make my wife do a better cook she's taking as criticism every time you criticize your spouse you're wiping the sunscreen off the relationship will burn and every time you compliment your spouse you're putting sunscreen on you want to build the love in your relationship compliment don't criticize I know it's hard there's an idea that you you should like you know compliment 80% of the time and criticize 20% of the time with your spouse you shoot for 100 zero because you're going to make mistakes you're going to you're you're going to you're going to have problem you're you you're going to fail sometimes it's okay we all do every one of us but when you say I'm going to shoot 100% of the time you'll have a better shot so I have a little song I sing in my house compliment criticize compliment no criticize or she'll find another guy compliment no criticize or she'll poke you in the eye compliment no criticize or he'll say bye bye bye compliment don't criticize live under sunny skies thank you thank you very much I have a lot more of that stuff you know I don't anyone here you heard me ENT did you hear me Essentials yeah yeah yeah I think maybe once or twice right yeah have a lot of stuff people always ask me like you know how did you become observant like you know it's not typical for a guy in his 40s to become observant so I sing a little song I had a big job in the city working for the dollar every night and day this Soul rabbit told me I was fit to be holy get yourself a Bible son and see what it say instead of getting her the Roses get yourself the five books of Moses learn it learn it from the Torah well I read a better about creation the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve can slew able no was but was stable the more I read where the more I believe the reason why we got big noses is to stick them in the five books of Moses learn it learn it from the Torah anyway thank you I'll be here next week I'll be here next week suncreen love compliment don't criticize it is a gamechanging relationship now we're going to get into the 4 A's attention affection appreciation and awareness now when should a husband and wife pay attention to each other at all times now here's the big part of the class we talked about the pies the physical intellectual emotional and spiritual I talked a little bit about intellectual you don't have to be in the same level but somewhat close spiritual I'll quickly just say you should both be on the ladder you know when when Jacob's at the you know having this dream of the Angels going up into the ladder I I say and most guys will say this yeah I'm willing to grow and they're not but that's a different story that you should see some proof that they're willing to grow and everyone should be on the ladder when we started our Jewish journey I wasn't on the same place as my wife but at least I was on the ladder I wasn't like doing the Heisman like you know I have no interest like I was learning I was willing to learn I was going to class doing Shabbat dinners I was willing to grow I never thought I'd be a teacher Aur but that's a different story so you have to be in the same ladder physicality we talked about you must be physically traed to them emotional thing is the most important thing in the world for a man to understand with his wife they want an emotional connection to us most important thing when we come from work or come from learning generally I'd like to go home I used to do coin business I come home I want to grab a beer and watch ESPN highlights that's what I wanted to do my father would come home from work he put her in the Gard for half an hour and go take a nap and then come for dinner and see my my mom so he had no interest in like talking to my mom and I didn't have any interest in talking to my wife cuz it's I'm overwhelmed with work but you have to see we're not living with ourselves this is not a one-way relationship marriage is not about me marriage is about we so we have to see things from someone else's perspective our wives need to connect to us when we come up from work and it's not easy for us and we have to find that Common Ground so this tip will help you a great deal if you're married and if you're not married it will help you with dating also we talk about listening being part of the relationship really listening understanding what they're saying when a man comes home from work he should put his phone down and he should ask his wife three questions question number one what did you do today question number two what did you what did what do you cook for for dinner it's not a question right cuz now it's about you you get that what did you do today number two what's in your mind or what are you thinking about whichever one you can choose you can make your own questions up it's fine and number three how do you feel when you ask her what she did that day if you can be more specific about like oh how was it taking our daughter to the doctor's today or how was your meeting at school whatever it is that's dealing with her fingers or physicality and when you ask her what's in her mind what she's thinking about that deals with the intellect and when you ask how she's feeling that deals with her heart we just did pie then you say right and you have to sit there and you have to listen for at least 15 seconds I'm kidding but it's not easy for us to sit there and listen for a long time so you have to take into consideration that we're limited to how much we can listen cuz sometimes when we want to talk and talk and talk and then we walk out of the room not knowing that because we just lose contct we just lose we lose our Consciousness cuz that's how we are but you have to do a job of connecting to them and that is asking those three question when you come home and by the way some of us rather go M Lawn than do that in fact some of us rather have a colonoscopy than do this it's not easy for us and I understand but the reason for this class is not to have a good marriage is not to have a great marriage is to have an awesome marriage in order to do that you have to work on the love you have to make the effort to connect your wife on an emotional emotional basis the gamar says the that the the that the punishment for a wife that cheats on her husband is worse than for a man why because when a wife cheats it's probably most likely there are exceptions it's most likely because she's looking for an emotional connection to somebody else when a man cheats probably not as much it's probably just because of opportunity these are generalizations I'm making right now just so you know there are you know outliers but women need to connect to us emotionally we have to do a job of connecting I knew a guy he was uh this is back when I was living in Maryland and he was complaining that his wife cheated on him he got he end up getting a divorce and he complained and complained that she that the reason for divorce was she cheated on him and I just have to tell you from my perspective you know there's his his version her version and the truth somewhere in the middle that he was not I could just my feeling that he was not giving the emotional attention she needed and she was looking somewhere else for emotional con connection and when you say my wife's not doing it doing not doing this that and that your job is to make your wife happy so when you make her happy she's going to make you happy and the most important way of doing it is through that emotional connection so that's attention appreciation always show appreciation to your spouse always thank them always nice job they did attention affection appreciation with your words you never yell at your wife or your husband you never Raise Your Voice you never make fun of them especially in public I know spouse that seem make fun of them is not a good sign for relationship when they're making fun of each other you understand the joke should never be on each other you make a joke about yourself but never about your spouse but then low self-esteem comes play it's a different issue by the way I didn't talk about if you don't love yourself you're going to have a hard time loving somebody else I end up writing a whole I I my podcast about a year ago I did some some videos on self-esteem and they went nuts like crazy nuts like uh one of my Tik toks did five and a half million views which is a lot I think five and a half million views like 50,000 shares 500,000 likes and it brought a lot of traffic to my website and I start I wrote a book on it and it's going to come out later this year this is the book that's out now infinite marriage this is one the talking about now we're touching on some of the topics but self-esteem is a major issue attention affection appreciation and awareness always be aware of your spouse's needs don't this is not this is not a one way relationship you have to understand what does my wife need what does my husband need I I remember recently I tell you this this if you really want to have a great relationship write a book on marriage I'm serious it really will clear things up for you so I was going through my sock drawer in the morning I said all my sock I don't know I don't know if the Israeli socks are like thinner I don't not sure prac I walk everywhere in Israel out have a car so I'm like so I walk I notice like 5 to seven miles a day and it's like my holes have socks in them and next thing I know Amazon's at my door Del a bag of socks my wife just got socks from me I didn't ask and my my wife texts me yeast that is a sign that I get yeast and immediately I don't wait I do it as fast as I can now if the window's broken she wants me to fix those lines or something I'm like I'll get it done by the end of the month I'm not you know St on that something that's not so imperative I don't do but my wife needs yeast I know she needs it I know I'm have the awareness that my wife go to yeast every day every week she makes Hala if you guys ever want to his awesome Hala you know this right mayor come to my my wife makes killer killer Hala there's a thing in my house when the guys come like there's a name for it where it's when you eat just keep eating the Hala and you just can't eat anything else and it's like a sickness they have I got to stop eating Hol get away from me get away from me listen anyone every single person here room can have an amazing awesome relationship you have to understand that just love comes from four phases and then when you understand the four phase and that the the ultimate phase the commitment the marriage is not the end that is just the beginning and then when you finally meet the spouse and that you want to get married you have to ask yourself these three questions and if you're not sure about those three questions do the worksheet that's in my book it's also on my website you can download for free it's a worksheet helps clarify the 10 things that are good for you ask yourself the three questions understand that love takes work it it you can that relationship can burn so easily if you don't work on a relationship it's like I said when you're easy it's when you're young it's easy it's when time goes on you have kids you have to work on that love and I'm going to end with one last idea what's important to you needs to be important to me so we have like I said before we have our own perceptions of how things work just like you have your perception of love and your feeling of love and they have their perception of Love by the way when you're dating I highly recommend you have a common definition of the word Love and Marriage before you get married and you need to be understand agree on that definition cuz you don't this is where problems a lie defining your terms what's important to you need to be important to me when I first got married my wife wanted to go see wanted to go see um modern dance shows and I don't like the modern dance but I go anyway and she'd come with me to see the the symphony and she didn't like it but she did it because she knew it was important to me that's easy this is where gets interesting we have five children I do the cooking in the house and when I'm done cooking I put everything in the sink and she washed the dishes afterwards and she kindly asked me can you please place the sharp knives on the side of the sink I don't want to do it because from my perspective my kitchen's not clean if the sharp knives dirty that they're dirty are on the side of the sink I want them in the sink that's problem number one problem number two I bring I grab seven small forks I put them on the table I had five little kids and my wife kind of asked me can you please bring me a large Fork I'm like fine so I get the small Fork I bring a large Fork here's the issue see from my perspective I don't care which Fork I eat with I can eat with a small Fork a large Fork toothpicks twangs tweezers straw my fingers I don't care but I'm not living with myself I'm living with somebody else marriage is not about me it's about we and I have to see things from her perspective So eventually I said you know what let me get a large fork and I started leaving the sharp knives on the side of the sink was it hard for me to do no that wasn't hard for me to do but you know what's hard for me to do get over my ego you said get over my ego cuz why do I have to change for my wife my ego is killing me egos are one of the worst things in a relationship your ego is not your amigo I'm telling you that right now and I finally change but you know the most important about thing about this is every time my wife goes in that kitchen and she shees a sharp knives on the side of the sink she knows I'm thinking about her every time she sit down for dinner and she has a large Fork she knows I'm thinking about her what's more important she knows I'm thinking about it for something doesn't even matter to me you want to make an emotional connection to your your wife you want your wife to get you socked without you saying a word do something important to her that's not important to you and that'll that'll increase the emotional connection relationship and I don't want to make you love you more and give you more passion that is available to every one of us and the reason why I called the fourth phase never leaving CU I was 34 at the time I dated a lot I went out my wife that's a whole another story and I said to in the second date I'm never leaving I don't know what it meant at the time I was not mature enough to say I love you cuz we weren't we weren't religious I mean we would have scared each other away right do you imagine a secular person on the second date let's get married no I wasn't going to do that right I'm never leaving and she says to me today you still haven't left my blessing to you she take this wisdom you learn tonight if you're married you're single whatever it is there's a lot more in dating I didn't get into tonight you take this wisdom today you bring it home with you you start learning it you live with it and you too will have a passionate loving relationship with one person the rest of your life thank you very much [Applause]