CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #211 Rabbi Josh Sturm - The Anatomy of Kindness

It's more than just the recipient whose life is being saved. I was at a uh a luncheon where a recipient met her donor for the first time. It's so emotional when you see those experiences. I mean, the hugging and the the raw emotion. This person literally saved her life. What was impactful to me was how many other people were around the table because you realize that it's not just her life. Her husband, her kids were there, her grandkids were there. We gave this family back, their mother and their grandmother. This donor saved their life. Around the table also was the donor's family, his kids. To see them understand what their father did, it's just an an incredible experience. [Music] Welcome everyone to Kazak's Torah Talks Pro program where we have a very special guest today, Rabbi Josh Sturm. Thanks for joining us. >> Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here everyone. >> Every every Tuesday night we have an amazing guest each week and we have a very special topic today, anatomy of kindness. Before we get jump into the topic, if we could hear some of the great work that the background yourself and the great work you're involved. >> Sure. So, I am the director of outreach for Renewal. Renew is an organization that has been around now for 19 years. And in those 19 years, we have been responsible for 1347 transplants. >> Wow. >> It's unbelievable. When I think of back uh when renewal started, we this idea was so foreign. Nobody was donating kidneys. Not nobody but very few people. And it was something that was just not really discussed or talked about. And our founder's name is Mendy Reiner. Mendy made a push in the community uh starting in the kiddish community in Burough Park and then slowly but surely expanding outwards to all parts of the uh of the Jewish world and we started in 2006 with two transplants that first year. The next year we did seven. Fast forward last year we were involved in 163 transplants. >> Wow. >> This year, God willing, we're on pace to to break that. >> Changing the world here. Wow. >> It's amazing. But you know, it's not just the world. It is the world, but we actually look at it as each individual because every transplant represents so much. It's a story. It's it's more than just the recipient whose life is being saved. I was just coming uh just a little bit earlier today. I was at a uh uh a lunchon where a recipient met her donor for the first time. And uh it was it's so emotional when you see those experiences. I mean, the hugging and the the raw emotion this person literally saved her life. And what was impactful to me was how many other people were around the table because you realize that it's not just her life, her husband, her kids were there, her grandkids were there. We gave this family back, their mother and their grandmother with Akuru's help, of course, with everything. This donor saved their life. But it wasn't just the donor that the recipient that was impacted because around the table also was the donor's family, his kids. Um, and to see them understand what their father did, it's just an an incredible experience. >> Like like it says in um in Perkava, what does it say? It says huh. Then it says each rabbi said they're each their own thing. But but I heard once it said huh ha. You put like a pause like a comma. First they first they practice and and then they could say it that that's what you're saying. I think that that that what you could say put articles is that you have to live it. >> I'm reminded of a story. I won't mention the name because I don't think they'll appreciate it. But uh at the time this uh young lady was I think 15 16 years old. Her father donated kidney. Her father is a uh a well-known rv and this goes back already uh quite a ways. And I asked her afterwards if she would write up her experience. What did it mean to have her father donate a kidney? And she wrote it up. It's beautiful. She said, "My father is a rabbi. A rabbi. He preaches. He tells me like he tells all his congregants. He's telling me my whole life. Do this. Don't do that. Act this way. You got to be nice to this person." All all the different things that uh that every parent tells. But you can imagine what a rabbi is telling his own kids. And she said, and like a typical teenager, it went in one ear and right out the other. She said, "Until he did this." Once he donated his kidney, all of a sudden I realized that wait a second, this man really believes in it. >> He's not just preaching. He's not just telling us what to do. He put his money where his mouth is, so to speak. He really believes in his cause. She said, "All of a sudden, everything he had told me came right back into focus. >> It went back out of the air. >> It came right back out. That ear came right back in." said it went right back into focus and it changed her her uh perspective and >> Wow. >> We see it all the time. >> Wow. So, I guess we're we're already jumping right into it, I guess. Can you tell us what what goes into um a um a kidney donation? Maybe. What are some of the misconceptions that people might have? >> There's a lot of moving parts that go into uh donating a kidney or making the whole transplant. Let's talk about the misconceptions first, though. There are a lot of people out there that think that kidney donors are doing something that's crazy. What do I mean by crazy? I mean, it is crazy. It's crazy in the sense that they're saving a life. It's crazy in the sense that this doesn't exist, at least nowhere close to these kind of numbers outside of our communities. Um, so in that regard, we are crazy. Yes, we're proud to be uh to be crazy in that regard. But there are misconceptions out there about what kidney donation is. And it's important to uh dispel those to really demystify some of the myths. So for example, people think that kidney donors are going to be out of work for 6 months. They're not. They're the average donor is about two to three weeks out of work. And that doesn't mean they're bedridden for two to three weeks. Definitely not. They're actually up and walking in the hospital that very night after their transplant. But they are uncomfortable for a good few weeks. Most of them describe as if by one to two months they feel as if nothing happened. Totally as they did before. That's not true. Physically they feel totally as they did before. Emotionally they're on a high. I mean they save somebody's life. It's an incredible uh it's it's amazing. >> And uh so that's one misconception. There's another misconception out there that I used to get a lot more when we first started, but we've done bar hashm a lot of education within our communities. Uh so I don't get these as frequently. But there's a misconception that kidney donors have to take medication for the rest of their life. They don't. The recipient does. Uh donors don't take any medication at I mean short of some painkillers when they're in the hospital, maybe the few days after that. Um and that's it. There's no major restrictions on their life post donation. They do have to be mindful of their overall health for sure as we all should be and they have to be a little a little bit extra careful, but they don't really have any major significant restrictions post their uh their donation. There are people think that to be a kidney donor, you've got to be in tip-top shape. You got to be a marathon runner or a cyclist. Now, to be sure, we do >> to be sure we do have marathon runners and cyclists that have donated. No Olympians yet, but we do have marathon runners, cyclists, and and athletes that have donated. We also have regular people, and that's actually most of our people are just regular people. Um they they're living regular generally healthy lives. You can't have certain preconditions like diabetes. Um if you have high blood pressure, it depends on the details of the high blood pressure. Uh somebody's significantly overweight. So there there are some restrictions to doing it. But a person, many of our donors are on certain medications. Um there you just have to be in generally good health to be able to donate a kidney. So that's some of the misconceptions that are out there. But I want to walk you through what the process is like for somebody who needs a kidney. They come into our office and one of the the most important things we do for the recipients and I think it's something that gets overlooked is we give them hope and optimism because these people come in, their world has been shattered. They received a diagnosis of kidney failure. Some of them saw it coming. For some, it's a genetic thing that's been building up for years. For others, they weren't feeling well. One day, they went for a blood test and doctor told them, "Your kidneys are are in bad shape." And it's devastating. And so they come into the office and they have very much tunnel vision. They only see what's in front of them in terms of their pain. As anybody who's going through that a painful situation, our job is to help them to see that there's a larger world out there. To help them to see that there is a path forward, a path ahead. was just on a call with a with an individual and uh he ended off the conversation was uh okay we're on the uh we're on the road we're on the path forward uh because we we talked about some different options and different outreach opportunities to find that kidney donor and I said I want to correct you not just on the road on the path forward what you are is you're on a road that we know where the destination is going and we can see that destination >> it's not there we're not there yet but God willing, we're going to get there because this is what we're able to do because there are so many people that are willing to give literally a body part to save somebody else. >> It's incredible. >> Can you can you touch a little bit upon the essentialness of a of a kidney? Some people that don't know anything about kidney, they don't know if they have one, two, three kidneys, they don't know. >> So, you're born with two kidneys. Kosh Barl created us with two kidneys. Your kidneys are actually in your back, not your front. Um, and what interesting uh tidbit when a kidney kidney recipient receives a new kidney, they actually don't take out the old kidneys. So, they're actually walking around with three kidneys. >> I said three. I was right. >> So, yeah, there are. And the kidney is actually put in the front because it's just easier for them to do the surgery in that way. Uh, but your native kidneys, the ones that Karu created within you, they're in your back >> and you have two of them. And they're they do a lot of things, but their main function is to act as a filtration system. So, picture. Okay, I'm dating myself a little bit by saying this, but uh we used to have a a Britta filter. Remember what those Brida filters are in the water? No, I'm really dating myself over here, but uh growing up, we used to have a a water pitcher and in the picture, people who are watching this, if you're from a certain age, you're going to be like, "Oh, yeah, of course." In other words, you're going to look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. We had such a contraption um where it's a pitcher and in the pitcher the water would go in and there would be a filter. The company was called Brida. I think they're still around. And there would be a filter and the water would pass through the filter and it would filter out any impurities that were in the water. So you have I don't whatever is in the water and it depends on where you live but a lot of different things floating around and it would filter all these kind of things out. Um that's what your kidneys do to a certain degree. your body in your in the natural process of living whether it's through all the different things that your body does your body produces byproducts it produces waste and it produces toxins bad things just in the course of doing business so to speak of helping us to stay alive your body produces things that that need to get out of the body they need to be expelled now they come out I hate to be gross but they come out when we go to the bathroom um but what gets them into our urine to be able to go to the bathroom and to be able to expel it from the body. That's the kidneys. They are this super filtration system. So the blood passes through the kidneys and as the blood passes through it catches all the things that shouldn't be in your body and it then takes those things and it puts them towards the uh urinary tract and eventually they get expelled out of the out out of our bodies. It gives such meaning to the brah of a say the brahar. How many times a day do we say that braha? So many times one moment >> right if if one thing that was supposed to be opened is closed or supposed to be closed is opened the whole thing is out of whack. It doesn't work. >> Yeah. >> I remember I had a uh a story where one of the things that we do is we accompany the donor and the recipient on the day of the transplant. Um they're not alone. We're there with them throughout the day. We're there with them every step of the way as they're going through the process. So, we're there in the morning at 5:30 in the morning to greet the donor at the hospital with a a smiley face and uh just to to be friendly and we we usher them through the process. We take them to the pre-op room and they go through the whole process um till they're on the operating table. We're not there. Don't worry, these hands go nowhere close to the operating table. So, one of my jobs or the rest of us is that we spend time with the family in the waiting room. Uh because it's hard. The surgery for the donor is about 2 to three hours long. And in many ways, I don't know if I should say it this way, but in many ways, the donor has the easier job. It's the spouse or the family member that's in the waiting room that's sitting on the edge of their seat. What's going on? Is it is this normal that it should take this long? And we're there to to assure them. Yeah, don't worry. This is fine and we can even give them updates also. We're in contact with the doctor and things are moving along nicely and just to put their mind at ease. So anyway, so I was sitting with the with the husband of a donor and his wife had just come out. The doctor came out said, "V Hashem, everything went well. Kidney is working great in the they're putting it into the recipient now. It looks good and he's going to be in the uh in the recovery room, which is the room that they go to after the surgery. They spend a good couple hours, few hours there uh while they the anesthesia wears off till they can go to their own donors get a private room. So till they can go to their own private room, they're a few hours there. While they're in the recovery room, every hospital is different, but the family is allowed to go in for a very brief amount of time in the beginning because the donor is still groggy. They're the anesthesia is wearing off and um they need to sleep, they need to rest, but the family wants to see that they're okay. So, I went with the husband of the donor to the into the recovery room. I took him I said to him ahead of time, I said, "Listen, we're going to only stay for about 30 seconds. I want you to see that uh that she's okay. Um she cuz I had spoken to her beforehand. What was her biggest worry about donating her kidney? My husband my husband's going to be a nervous wreck while I'm in surgery." That was her worry. And uh a wonderful wife. And so I said, I more importantly than you seeing that she's okay, I need her to see that you're okay. >> Bring your spot with you. >> Right. So, but we're only going to stay for 30 seconds. Let her rest. You'll just you'll see each other. You'll say hi. And then we'll go out and we'll come back probably in an hour as you know she's getting more and more acclimated. And so we went in and I took him over to her bed and she she opens her eyes, she sees him, she smiles, he smiles. How you doing? Tired? Whatever. Okay, good. Everything is good. And uh he turns to me. He says, "Okay, we time to go." I said, "Yeah, let's let's go." I said, "But before we go, I want to show you something." She says, "Where are we going?" I said, "Just trust me for a second. Walk with me." I took him a few dead a few beds down. This was already a little bit after the uh um the surgery was over. So, I took him a few beds down and I said, and I apologize to everybody watching this for being a little bit gross, but I think it's worthwhile. I said, "I want you to do me a favor. look over on the side of that bed and tell me what you see. He looks over. He says, "I see a bag filled with urine." Um, I said, "That's right. That is what you see." He said, "You know what that bag is? That's your wife's kidney working. I want you to understand that bag that's filled with urine right now, this this lady who got the kidney, she couldn't produce that in a week. She couldn't get that much urine out. Um, her kidneys were so bad. Not every patient has that situation, but and here we're we're a couple hours after surgery and that bag is full. I said that to me is one of the most beautiful sites in the world. People look at it as disgusting. It's beautiful because it means the kidney is working. I said we say Ashrays, you understand what it means? That bag is what Ashatsar is all about. She couldn't do that on her own with with the kidneys that uh were failing. Now she can do that. >> Wow. Wow. >> Changes your perspective on on everything. >> What a wow. What a perspective. Can you you touched upon this a little bit. Can you touch a little bit more the the impact um from uh of a kidney donation and from a from I guess from every single way to look at it. >> I'll share with you another story and I'm not going to say her name also because she is private about this story although those who know know. Um but she's a a rebbitson a prominent Rebbitson. She's a kidney donor and this rebbitson wanted to donate her kidney. She came to renewal and she told us I want to donate. Fine, wonderful. She went for the testing and part of the testing that they do for a donor. It's a full day evaluation in the hospital. You ever want to get a good physical you just tell them you want to be a kidney donor because they are testing you from head to toe. Not just that your kidney is working properly. They want to make sure everything is healthy. The last thing in the world that anybody wants to do is put a kidney donor at an unnecessary risk by donating their kidney. So they're checking her out. Every part, every I call it alphabet soup. EKG, MRI, CT, anything with the the the alphabet, they're giving that test. Well, one of the tests came back and they came in to this lady and they said, um, I don't know how to tell you this, but this is what the doctor said, but uh, it's good thing you came in to to want to donate your kidney because we found a tumor in your abdomen. You're not donating your kidney, they said. But this would have killed you. They said it was resting on a certain um um certain artery. I believe it was that they said you wouldn't have noticed it till one day just you just would have been gone. It would have choked off that artery and before you realized what had happened. He said because you came in to to get tested said you're not donating but because you came in to get tested we found this and they were able to do a procedure. It turned out it was it was thankfully it was not cancerous. Um it was benign and uh and everything was wonderful. The story doesn't end there because this rabbitson um after she went through her own surgery so she wanted to get back into shape she hired herself a personal trainer personal trainer young f lady and the trainer was asking her so what's what's the story? What happened? You went for surgery. I mean she was sharing it. She wasn't prying or anything, but she would the repson was sharing her story and she said, "That's amazing. You know, I think I'm inspired. I want to get tested and become a kidney donor myself." And she did. Her name is Estie. I'm not going to give out all the information because I don't know if she wants it either, but Estie was inspired. She donated her kidney. Estie donating her kidney set off a a chain of events that we are still seeing um the ramifications of till this very day and this is already I don't know probably eight years ago already. Um Estie met her recipient for the first time at an event that we did in Tene. That event we didn't we did in Tene. Um at that point in Tene we had maybe six donors somewhere around there in the the whole community of Tene. Estie met her recipient that set off a chain reaction. We had donors upon donors that came forward to this point. We are the Tene community right now has over 50 kidney donors. >> Wow. >> This Rebbitson needed a personal trainer. This personal trainer was inspired. It set off a chain event. But the story doesn't end there because we get a knock on our door, so to speak, two years later, and it's the Rebbitson. She says, "I just came from the doctor. The doctor said, I can still donate my kidney. I want to do it." >> And thank God she did. She's doing wonderfully well. And she in her own way has continued to inspire. I only Aku can count the dozens upon dozens of transplants that have come about from this one story. And we have a thousand of those stories. We're actually coming out with a book very shortly of hashkah stories around kidney donation because we have seen the yashm in so many different ways. It is just unbelievable. >> Unbelievable. Wow. Can can can you touch upon this? There's actually a WhatsApp status that myself and thousands of people they're they're part of. It's called MKY Mika Israel and and it shows about the glory and how proud um that who who was like the Jewish people. Can you can you touch upon that? >> Yeah, we've we've been on the uh um on the status and miko there I don't think there are three more beautiful words in our religion because this sums up who we are. I'll share with you a statistic and an idea. Um the average person in America, I've shared this before so some of your viewers may have heard this already but it's worth repeating. The average person in America who needs a kidney, there are 90,000 people in the United States today that need a kidney. The average person comes to the hospital, if they're lucky, extremely lucky, they have one person that's willing to potentially do it. Now, they don't know if that person's a match. They don't know if that person is is uh is healthy enough to do it. There's a lot of different variables why that person probably won't end up being a kidney donor, but they have one person who's willing to at least explore it. And Claire, Claire, it's unbelievable. We did an event um a few weeks ago in Baltimore. Shout out to the Baltimore community. Baltimore today has over 40 kidney donors. We did an event in Baltimore for a young man who needs a kidney. And we came for one day in we set up in different shooles. The community helped us out tremendously, our local donors and in Baltimore and Silver Spring combined. We were in about 10 different locations over the course of one Sunday during right before Tashabah. What better uh idea before t-shave than a of we walked away with 559 swabs of people that were interested in becoming a kidney donor. Most of them don't even know who this person is. I I can't you can't even describe what means over here. I forget it sometimes. I'll be honest. We at Renewal sometimes we get uh we're so used to it that we forget this. You know who reminds us of it? We go to I speak to doctors all across the country in different hospitals and they tell me they said they say these are their words. You guys don't understand what you have and it's true. I I forget it but this doesn't exist outside of the of our community that people are lined up to get tested for a total stranger or even somebody they know. It doesn't exist. And we had in one day 559. We did in last week in uh in Satmer um 350 swabs that we got in one day. It's it's nuts. >> I said before that we're crazy. We are crazy. We are not a normal people and I'm proud to be a part of it. This is Mik Israel. This is who we are. >> Wow. Can you share some of those the statistics of that? >> Yeah. So, the statistics are wild. Um there are, as I said, there are 90,000 people in the United States that need a kidney. There aren't that many transplants that happen across the country. Unfortunately, in a given year, there only about 21 and a half thousand transplants. And that's including deceased donors, I mean kidneys. That's including deceased donors, live donors. We deal only with with living uh donors. And that means that most of these people are not going to get a transplant. That's the sad reality. About nine or 10 people die um every day waiting for a kidney. Barak Hashem and Kalisrael we have much different kinds of numbers. So just to give you a perspective of what Kai Israel has accomplished renewal over the and renewal is KL Israel over the last 12 13 years has been responsible for about 18% I love that number 18% of all altruistic kidney transplants across the United States. Now altruistic you should understand the terminology the hospitals call altruistic where a donor and recipient don't know each other which is most of the transplants that we do. they don't know each other. They um in many cases they live in different states or whatever it is, but they don't know each other. Now, it happens to be I disagree with the definition because in our book, anybody who donates to kidney is altruistic, but using their their definition of where they're total strangers, 18%. But Renewal is a proud Jewish organization. Jewish population in the United States is roughly 2%. which means that 2% of the population is responsible for 18% of all altruistic kidney transplants across the country. I'll take it one step further because whereas renewal or while renewal services all walks of Jewish life, our kidneys are coming not exclusively but almost exclusively from the religious population. Uh and the religious population of the United States, religious Jewish, I mean of course the Orthodox Jewish population, United States is roughly 0.2%. 02% is responsible for 18%. You talk about mikrol, it is it is absolutely wild. And by the way, in New York, which is where most of us stuff that we do is happening in New York, we're responsible for about 60%. That means more than one out of every two altruistic transplants is coming in the state of New York is coming through renewal, which means it's coming from a member of the Jewish community. >> Wow. blown away ra um such in inspiring remarkable um remarks today. Can can you leave us off with uh one final message for that what you would say to all the listeners? What would you want to say? >> What I want to say is that we don't push kidney donation on anybody. We believe it has to be something that is genuinely the right thing for you, the right thing for your family. And we go through a process. Anybody who gets tested, most people get tested, by the way, don't end up donating their kidney. And that's fine because it's a process. It's a journey. What we do believe is that everybody should at least give thought to the idea of whether it's for them or not. If they come to the conclusion that's not the right thing for them, either right now or ever, that's fine. It's not for everybody, but everybody should at least give thought to is this something that I'm capable of? Is this something that that I should be doing or I can be doing? And they have to do it from a place, not a place of feeling a sense of that I have to. Kenny donors come from a sense of I want to. And that's what we want. We want them to be in a place where they desire to do something like this. Not that they feel guilty because that's a recipe for disaster. They should not donate because they feel guilty. If they want to donate because they want to do this and they can understand and appreciate what the impact is, then I encourage you to come and get tested. Getting tested, by the way, is just sending us an email [email protected]. Um, and we mail you a swab kit. We we go through the the questions with you of just to see if this is right the right thing for you. And we explore how that process goes. But one thing I want everybody to walk away with is that Kalius, as I said before, is not normal. And we're proud to be not normal. The idea that Kalisil is willing to do something of this magnitude is something that should inspire us. Whether we are inspired to get tested to be a kidney donor, whether we're inspired to do in a million other ways and there's so many ways that you can do out there in this world, we have a responsibility because we are a family. We are a large family, sometimes dysfunctional. It's true. And that's by the way one of the coolest things at Renewal is that we've seen all the barriers that exist in Cla Israel. It falls by the wayside. We have tashkanazim men ladies modern orthodox bkarian. It doesn't matter where you're from. Yeshivish. It doesn't matter the the boundaries that we put up for ourselves in the rest of our lives. They all fall completely when it comes to this amazing life >> everyone is united together. >> We are proud that renewal represents every part of kal Israel. Um we are our donors are coming from all different communities and one of the coolest things is when they get together because we do get togethers from time to time with our donors and you see them smoozing you see them these people would never cross paths in other parts of life. They share a common bond that they are emulating the idea of what what is taught to us. Araminu is the the father of emulating Araminu by being able to do something like this. So the takeaway message is go and do whatever the is but go and do it because that is what makes us into who we are and that is the recipe for how we will together with Torah together with avoda that is how we will fight our enemies how Israel will ultimately be victorious at the end of the day we will stand strong because we are one >> thank you Stur we thank all the listeners for tuning in joining us everyone's cards to join us every Tuesday night 8:30 p.m. on kazak.org/live. Of course, you can watch um this episode or any of the previous over 200 different episodes on any time, on YouTube, on all the different podcast players. And we thank you Ster. >> Thank you so much. We appreciate it. Thanks so much. [Music]