CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #207 Rabbi Arieh Friedner - Jewish Unity: Just Wishful Thinking?

If the commandment to love other Jews is love other people, love your neighbor, love your friend, love them like you love yourself. The first step of Jewish unity is we are very very very far from understanding how to love ourselves. A lot of people have self-confidence. A lot of people like believe in themselves. But if you don't know how much God loves you, if you haven't contemplated the endless, endless burning love that God has for every single Jew, including you, despite your mistakes, our mistakes, the things that we've done wrong, the mistakes that we've made, the holes in our upbringing and the holes in in our in our connectivity right now, the things about Judaism that we don't do or that we don't even love, right? God, despite all of that, loves every single one of us. [Music] and welcome to Torah Talks Kazak's program with special guests. We have with us all the way from Cleveland, Ohio, Rabbi Hari Frieder Bar. Welcome. >> Thank you so much. Great to be here. >> Of course, it's so so so great. We've been working on this for quite some time. And we're going to be speaking about Jewish unity. But before we get to that exciting topic, if we get a little bit background about the rabbi and the great work you're involved with. >> Sure. My background. >> Yeah. >> Okay. My name is Arya Freried. Uh I grew up in Cherry Hill, >> New Jersey. >> New Jersey. So on the farm from over here in New York. Uh my my parents were I guess they affiliated conservative. They didn't grow up really with much. I'm not going to say any Jew. They're going to tell me they're going to call me and tell me it's not true, but not not very much. Definitely not religious and chabas and things like that. So when I grew up, I remember my earliest memories of going to a conservative synagogue. I went to a conservative day school and then my family moved to uh Cherry Hill Estates, which if you know there's like back then there was like one Orthodox synagogue in Cherry Hill. So but the kids were already old enough to like not be strung along to whatever my parents decided. So our like growth as a family in Judaism, I always saw it as a spectrum of like how did we treat the TV on Shabas, right? Like when we when I was a kid, like what we watch TV, like it was no problem with anything. And then eventually we were like, "No, we can't we can't change a channel. We if we pick a station to leave the TV on, so that's fine." And then eventually it was, "No, you can't. If the TV's on a timer, so if it goes off at like 10:00, then okay, the TV's on, you're not touching it. What are you doing wrong?" So we used to watch Sixers games, you know, on Friday nights and uh and then when my family eventually didn't have a TV on at all, so then I had to just sneak it in my bedroom. So, I had a TV and I would play Nintendo, you know, on Chabas and I would hear like the the feet creaking down the hallway and I'd quickly like, you know, cover it. You have you have to cover the Nintendo so they didn't see the red light. That's how they would know that it was on. >> So, that was kind of my background as we got more and more involved in things like that. But, uh, I wasn't particularly, you know, excited about anything. Uh I I think my uh approach to religion was I had a like a distant cousin or something and he was really cool cuz he was British. >> He is British and he's a bartender. >> So like introduce a young kid to a British bartender. Like everything he says is golden, right? And he was he's not Jewish. So he told me I remember I was like I don't know 10 11 like very very young and he told me that look I was born and my parents had a certain religion so that's the way I am and your parents were born and they had a religion and that's the way that you are and everybody has their religion because their parents were and then you were born. Nobody chose how they view the world. You just inherit your outlook and that's why they're all fine. They're all fine and they're all the same. So I was okay with that. So Judaism for me was like like you know I have black hair and a little bit of blonde. I don't know if you see that >> for the camera. >> I have this is the uniqueness in my life. I have a blonde patch of hair and I like basketball and I happened to be a Jew and it was you know more or less you know one of those things that were about who I was but it wasn't like it mattered you know and then so fast forward a lot of stories but my I had a rabbi that when I graduated high school he said are you going to Israel for a year and I said no like you know I'm going to college already in my mind all of my friends that I knew that were going to Israel after high school, we're going to have fun and to party. So, I was like, I'll just do that in college. So, he said, you know, it was like one of the most meaningful years of my life. And he was the first person to tell me that if you go to Israel for a year after high school, it's a meaningful experience. I didn't know that. >> So, I was like, oh, really? It's like a meaningful thing I can like learn about Judaism. So, he's like, "Yeah." So, I went. >> So, once I went to Israel and I started like studying, I was like, "Wow, this stuff is pretty awesome." And never looked back. So that's that's basically very quickly um you know where I came from and how I got to look like this. I continued to transform. I didn't I didn't get a beard over overnight. >> I thought you did. >> And uh I my uh >> I did have a in high school I had like a a soul patch and I had long I had like not so long I wasn't like literally a hippie but I had like medium hair and >> interesting. >> Yeah. So I did the beard was there just in a different a different lifetime of the beard. My uh way to get to know the rabbi was actually through an organization the rabbi is involved with and I'm a very big fan of >> do we have to say the rabbi is that if it's part of the podcast I respect >> that that's uh that's Rabbi Weinberger's title. >> Yeah. Yeah. That's that's that's Rebi. Uh I'm just Rabbi Ari. >> So uh >> the the Rebby is a few minutes away. >> Daily giving. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. amazing organization and very very happy to be part of it and everyone watching should I don't want to sound like a commercial but we're very big fans and I'm talking ma from the bottom of my heart everybody should be daily giving and uh what's your involved with with daily giving >> um so it in it's on topic uh Jewish unity because for when I after yeshiva right I'll go back to the story after I spent a few years studying in Israel um I wanted to be like a pulpit rabbi and then I realized as if I want to help people so don't be a pulp or rabbi like they get they're very they are helping people but they're so busy with so many things and the families are older right if you really want to make a difference this is what people told me go work with young people work with teenagers and students in school so I started working for NCSY and I did that and I did that and then other related projects of trying to inspire Jewish future for 15 years or so um and then I joined daily giving And one of the selling points to me was, you know, there's like at that time there were 8,000 people all doing the same thing at once. Can you imagine a world when there's going to be a hundred,000 Jews and everybody gives $1 a day. Forget we'll have 36.5 million to distribute to important organizations like Kazak and others. Forget that. A 100,000 Jews doing the same thing every day. So I I always really not always but over time I developed this passion and interest in Jewish unity. So the fact that I got to spend my every day just you know getting more and more Jews to do something together. I was like this is a practical application of Jewish unity. I could talk about it write a book about it. I could do it. So >> wow amazing. >> That's uh one thing that I really like about daily giving.org. >> Yeah. >> Sign up today. Dollar a day. >> Yeah for sure. Amazing. Amazing. Uh so so Rabbi we're talking about Jewish community. What is it and what isn't it? >> Great question. Um, I can tell you my opinion and that is the history of my opinion. I I used to be very very very uh downtrodden I guess about the concept of Messiah and Jewish unity and all these things. >> Made you sad. >> Very sad. I >> uh well first I had to learn what it was. First I had first when I heard that there was such a thing I was like yeah that's cool >> right? >> But then when I started to contemplate like okay well when are we going to get there? So sometimes you feel uplifted like wow that's going to be great right? Jewish unity everybody together. But there were times where I realized like I I just don't I just don't see it. >> I just don't see it. Like if you're out there if you're not in the Jewish world you don't see it. If you're too far in the Jewish world, you might get swept up with the excitement. But if you're generally around and you know different people from different communities, even in our own families, right? What family maybe there are, what family doesn't have some fighting and and real lack of unity? Not like little fights, but like there's issues if you're not in your immediate family, maybe beyond that, right? We think we can get the entire Jewish family >> to be unified. So, I've always been upset when I when I have to when I think about a practical way. What is it going to look like and how are we going to get there? And I'm like, I I don't I don't know if we can. So, I think I think what I got wrong this is what I think Jewish unity is not necessarily. I think I had this vision of like utopia, right? Like it's going to be beautiful and like the birds are chirping and everybody just like gets along and everyone's on the same page. And I think that will happen. I I think when Mashiah comes, >> we will have sort of this utoo utopian experience where like God will be here and everybody in the world will know that there is a God. And if you know that there's a God and all of its ramifications, there's nothing to fight about anymore cuz like God's in charge, everything's great. >> Yeah. So, for sure, we'll get there. But until we get there, we're not right. So, it was it's too big if you think about it in that way. And we're not going to get there without God's help. And it's true that we can't get anywhere without God's help. But the fact that it was so large, you know, there's two problems with a utopian vision. The first problem is that you and I don't envision utopia in the same way, >> right? So like throughout the all of time, every ism, every attempt to have like the best process to govern or to help people has just been another attempt at like this is the best way to run the world. They're all different versions of an alleged utopia, but nobody agrees, right? So, if your utopia is about unity, well, everybody has a different version of utopia. So, it's it's impossible, right? And the second problem is we we might any of those versions might be wrong. So, that's that's, you know, the problem that I've had in in visualizing it for a long time is just like I just don't I just don't know how we're going to get there. It's just too hard, right? So, so what is it? So, what what is what is Jewish unity and a way that we can like wrap our heads around it? >> I heard an unbelievable parable this morning from an author, not in the Jewish world, someone who sold I think millions of books. Um, these authors in in maybe there are some Jewish authors also, but authors in the Jewish world, in the non-Jewish world, like they have a great life because they know they have an audience of like millions and millions of people. they can spend all day thinking and writing and they know it will lead to a like making an income. If you're a Jewish author, like if you don't wake up at 5 in the morning every day as like your passion project on the side, like you're never going to cut it. We don't have enough Jews yet to like, you know, to really uh to create a real income just with writing. There are a small few, >> right? >> Um so I heard this amazing parable. >> You know the game Marco Polo? >> Uh I know of it. >> Okay. I thought everybody knew Marco Polo. you know, Marco Polo. So, we have an audience today. Um, the game of Marco Polo is I this is my understanding of it. Maybe it's uh someone's going to call me out. The basic version is you're in a pool and there's a bunch of your friends in the pool and one guy has to close their eyes and they say Marco and then everybody else has to say polo. And the game is you have to go like tag somebody, right? So you don't know where they are cuz your eyes are closed and you have to like go around and find someone who they're saying polo and every time you say Marco they have to say polo. So everybody in you know says polo. So this author said it resonate by the way. Yeah. Okay. Okay. >> Maybe there's other rules. I don't know. So the author said that when he writes a book he's working and working and thinking Marco Marco Marco Marco. He's developing Marco. Marco writing Marco publishing get marketing getting it out there in books in stores. Marco. Then people read it and somebody says >> Paula >> it's like ah they get it right. >> So that's the process that he shared of writing a book. So we know that Hashem wrote himself. He took whatever this means his own essence and he wrote it into a book and he gave it to the Jewish people. That's what the Torah is. >> Right. >> The first word of the ten commandments is ani which means I am. And those letters in an acronym are I wrote myself into this book and then gave it over. That's what it means. So Hashem's saying Marco for for 26 generations. Is that right? 26 generations before the Torah was given. God was saying Marco. No response. Marco. He's getting ready, developing, right? Getting it out there. He finally on the mount mount si gives it over. And the Jewish people, 600,000 people with one heart, one people, one heart at the foot of the mountain, they say, "Polo, >> we hear you." So I think what Jewish unity is is in that game, not so the Maharal says that every parable has to be taken with a grain of salt. A parable is giving over something. It's not giving over everything. So there's lots of things about Marco that don't fit here, but what does fit is that when your eyes are closed and you're saying Marco, the whole point of the game is that there are people everywhere. They're scrambled around. You don't know where they are. But when your eyes are closed, you don't see that. What you hear is a unified response. Polo, we're out here. >> We are out here. So what what what aut is right this concept of the Jewish unity is that there are going to be Jews in different places. We're going to have different ways of identifying ourselves. God is going to be here and I'm going to be here and you're going to be there. But together there is a unified voice. We have to be able to find the unified voice saying polo without needing to be in the same exact place because that's not always possible. So aut does not mean unity. it or maybe it whatever it does culturally translations are very hard Hebrew and English right >> maybe I think means brotherhood brotherhood more right so what is brotherhood or siblinghood you're talking about boys and girls so what you're saying is we if we're a good family we're all different >> right >> but we have the same parents and if you if somebody I I think I think the goal I have a number of kids. I think the goal of raising your kids is that each one of them is going to be like a different slice. They're going to be very different. You obviously have kids. I'm getting a strong head not there. They're very very very different. But if you're successful with the help of God in raising your kids, they're all going to be different, but somehow within the confines of continuing the mission that the parents pass on. Yeah. Right. So the vision of unity of Jewish unity is we are all collectively or individually rather we are fulfilling our slice of God's will in this world despite the fact that we don't look the same. >> But I know that that's my sister and that's my brother. So is is that is am I just breaking down this utopian version that's impossible? Maybe. But the key point is we can't be dismayed by the utopian version and say how is it ever going to happen. We have to say well what could I could do I could do I could do some of it. I myself could have that realization that I don't need to understand even how to resolve the problem and I don't need to bend everybody's will to mine or figure out which will to bend everybody towards obviously God's will but there's different elements here and I have to at least understand that there's God in the center. My job is to say polo. He's hearing in unison. I have to align myself to that in some way. >> Very, very beautiful. Amazing. Amazing. Uh after October 7th, the massacre on Simat Israel, do you feel that there was an increase in Jewish unity in the sense that you're mentioning it >> that there there was an increase. I don't know where we are now on the roller coaster. I don't know if we're up or down from where we were beforehand. I think it's most people I think would probably say, not that I'm disagreeing, I just say I don't I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm just observing. There was for sure an increase. There was a dip. >> Back up a little bit recently. The problem the problem with Jewish unity or or anything when it's when it's compelled by an emotional event is that our responses are going to remain emotional >> and emotions have dips, right? Ups and ups and downs like roller coasters. We have had many experiences. Probably this the past few years, not probably for sure in my lifetime has been one of the most significant events, if not the most significant event that I've ever experienced, ever dreamed of happening. And also the the immediate kickback. I saw things and we saw things within the Jewish unity that triggered that hope of like utopia. We're going to are we going to be there? Look what everybody's doing. Amazing stories, right? >> Okay. And then reality sets back in a little bit and then you have to decide are we drafting people in the army? Are we not drafting people in the army? What's right? What's wrong? What's the By the way, I'm not not getting political. I'm just mentioning like there are things that trigger people and they how are we going to get past that? >> There's probably a number of issues. How are we going to get past it? So it went up and went down. I think I realized in the somewhere in the short few weeks afterwards a friend of mine laser reporter called me came up to me I don't remember where we were in what context and he said one of the smartest and scariest words I I heard he said what are we doing what are you doing have you thought of anything to help us hold on to what we've gotten from this so far. And that was the first time I realized it's not going to stick on its own. And I was like again, I was like sad again. >> And then I had to I had to work on it. And then I had to work on it. Like what are we going to do? So I I think I think we learned here's my statement. I think the horrible horrible tragedy that we went through going through people are still going through. It's not gone. It's here. I think one thing that it did was it proved to us what it means to care about Jewish unity in our hearts. Now we have to figure out intellectually what does it take to build it >> because our hearts will go up and down. The further away we go from October 7th, the less natural it's going to be for us to overcome our differences just because we care. So now we have to figure out what it means intellectually. Plan for it. actually do something because we can't just fuel ourselves forever on the emotional part. We've got to figure out what we do in a way that if the event weren't here or it never happened. I'd still be doing it, right? I'd still be caring because then it won't happen again. God needs to do this. I mean, that's a I don't want to say I don't know anything about God or what he needs to do. It's a wakeup call. We are told we understand that these things happen because when we can't figure out on our own that we are a family, Hashem has to prove that we're a family. So it's my it's my it's my burning you know what I think about all the time what I'm trying to somehow compel and not for the world but like whatever we have to do our part right what I'm trying to do bring out for my part is is is we we have to we have to do everything we can so that it shouldn't happen again. Yes. with a strong army too and bombing Iran and being doing our hishad right doing the best things that we can our efforts to make sure that it happens >> but also we also have to do our efforts within Jewish unity to show God that we don't need another reminder from the outside >> so that's the my followup is that uh what is the secret of unlocking Jewish unity on an individual level >> if every single one of us work on ourselves >> correct >> correct so I mean you've already unlocked part of the secret Part of the secret is that to take on the daunting task of like doing everything like even politically it it's so hard for a million reasons it's so hard. Uh I I have a book on I I don't think we brought it up yet. I have a book on Jewish unity. >> No, we didn't bring it up. I wanted to bring it up. But I love this cover. This is great for all those that are watching. >> You love the cover. You'll love what's inside. >> So don't judge a book by the cover. But this one you can judge. Common Ground, Rabbi Ari Freriedner. Uh, amazing. I got my copy. I encourage everyone to get their copy as well. It's available in all the local Jewish bookstores and on Amazon. Unlocking the secret of Jewish unity, which is the topic we're speaking about. >> So, you should judge it by its cover because there was a lot of push back and the decision we made. There's an Israeli soldier and there's a guy who looks very observant and then there's a guy who looks like kind of a normal Israeli. Actually, to tell you the truth, I really wanted him to have a tattoo >> and it got nixed by by some people on my publishing team, not everyone loved the idea of a tattoo. So, what I tell what the riddle that I ask people is one of them has a tattoo. Which one do you think it is? >> It's under the shirt. It's hidden. >> There's no right answer. The >> You have to think about it though. >> I was going to say the shirt and >> I think people want to go I don't know. I don't know who it is. So for sure one of them has um so >> Jewish unity. >> So what we said about the cover was like no we we want to trigger people with this cover because if you look at that cover and you're like not for me the book's not for you. But if you look at the cover and you're like well that's interesting. Like I that's what we're talking about. It's hard. So anyway why write a book? Like go do something. Go bring people together cuz it it's it's hard. It's hard. Not just because it's hard, but the real secret is that it's not it is about the community. We have to get it's about everything. It's got to start with me. It's got to start with the individual. So, what does it mean? How does how does one, >> you know, begin and fulfill this process of aligning themselves personally with Jewish unity. So, when we say polo, Marco, Polo, what are we saying? The idea is that even though we're in different places, if we all know the language, we all know how to play the game, we're all we're all playing the same game. We have to know what the game is. What What is it? What is it about Judaism that if we were all to do those things, we would all a be doing the same thing and b staying true to our true to ourselves like literally authentically true to ourselves. That's the intellectual path. So step one is if the commandment to love other Jews is and it is love other people, love your neighbor, love your friend like you love yourself. It sounds trit but but we have to break this open. Love them like you love yourself. The first step of Jewish unity is we are very very very far from understanding how to love ourselves. A lot of people have self-confidence. A lot of people like believe in themselves, but if you don't know how much God loves you, you haven't even you haven't even started. If you haven't contemplated the endless endless burning love that God has for every single Jew, including you, despite not you, >> but I mean, yes, you the love, but not you. your mistakes, our mistakes, the things that we've done wrong, the mistakes that we've made, the holes in our upbringing and the holes in in our in our connectivity right now, the things about Judaism that we don't do or that we don't even love, right? God, despite all of that, loves every single one of us. If one would finally get to the place where they understand wholeheartedly, there's nothing that I can do to change that. God will love me, right? I never could have begun to understand this until I had kids. Right? I'm sure there's a way to understand it without kids because unfortunately some people haven't been given that brah yet. Everybody should have a braha to have children. >> Thank God that I I I have kids for for that sake. But one of the most incredible parts of about having kids is that you begin to see that perspective that God has towards us, right? Endless. You can't you can't explain why or how much you love your kids or no m even if they did something wrong and even if you're angry at them and even if you yell at them it's there's nothing that can that can compromise that if they were in some someone's children was in danger god forbid right God loves every single one of us endlessly and it's not just that if you understand what that means now you can share that with others if you understood the depth of what it means that God loves you for no reason at all. That means he loves everybody else too. If you can understand, if you can tap into this love that Hashem has for you, then you can in theory tap into the the love that Hashem has for that other Jew that you thought didn't fit in or you didn't get along with. Who are you? God loves them. >> That's just step one, >> right? So we that we have to start that way. Step two is once we've overcome that hurdle so practically how to love other Jews is like this there's a lot of meat there you know we talk about badly about people and we we judge people inappropriately and all these things have to be understood but part two is not hard to explain part two is you have to love every Jew if you if you are in this family right we're talking about how to achieve Jewish unity that means you're buying into the fact that there's s such a thing that there's a value called Jewish unity that means you understand we're a So, are you treating everybody like your family or not? And I'm not saying like your family, the ones that you don't get along with. Like, that's it own problem, right? >> But ideally, we're getting along with all of our brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and cousins. >> And if that were true about your family, then it has to be true about every other Jew. I'm sorry. I This is maybe the boldest thing that I'll say. And I to me it's natural. Thank God. Now, it is. It wasn't always. I think hopefully Hashem allows me so far to I I think that I have attained this pretty well. But I've asked people to make sure that I'm right. Are we supposed to allowed to commanded to love all other Jews really, even the ones that are not acting the one the way that we think they should? That the answer is yes. Some people are going to say, okay, there's also a mitzvah of hating people who don't love God properly. Like that's true. there there is sort of this like I'm holding a flag to fight for God and so if people go too far there's something about that too there they don't contradict one of the greatest lines I ever heard was from one of my rabbis Rabbi Jonah Learner in my NCSY days um he was my rabbi when I was a kid in NCSY I also knew him when I was a staff member in NCSY one time at an event he stood up in front of his group probably 15 to 20 people there who were there with Right? >> And he's he's telling them the rules about what they can do, what they can't do. Classic procedure for, you know, a a Torah program, they have to be parameters. So I remember he said like, look, just don't do anything stupid. Like remember, I I love you guys. All all of you. Not all of you. I mean, yes, I love all of you. I just don't love all of you. Like I love every single one of you, but 70% of every single one of you. So God forbid like God doesn't hate anybody, right? Even Mitryan even when God drowned the Egypt, the Egyptians after 200 plus years of slavery, it wasn't like a total celebration. God said, "These are my creatures," >> right? The Jews celebrating, God's like, "What are you celebrating? One of my creatures are being drunk, >> right? So God's saying about us like these are these are my people. These are my Jews. God loves every single Jew." Maybe, and this is not true, but like the story, he the rabbi, Rabbi Jonah Luner, said, "I only love 70% of each one of you." I'm sure he loves 99.999% of everyone. He just had to make the point, right? God loves every single one of us. Even the things that we're supposed to not like, change, work on, criticize, work on, all in the appropriate way. It's just a percentage of a person. It's not even a percentage of a person. It's the part of a person that's not properly aligned to God. In the deepest place, everybody's aligned to God. Right. The in the Tanya the alterbi says that that the if you want to understand how to love everybody like yourself the most important thing you have to understand is that everybody's a piece of God very very powerful and very very true. So one might be listening and uh he'll be saying this all sounds good amazing phenomenal great but but but within my own family within my own friends I still have those people that I don't get along with them. What steps should one take to eradicate and to remove this difficult situation that they're in and to get into that basis love I guess >> right this is the uh this is the most important question it's because it's the most practical the most pragmatic right and it's the a real struggle that we all face uh obviously including me like >> a part of me struggles with this like I'm not allowed to you know not get along with anybody cuz like I wrote a book But like I'm not going to pretend like that's possible. Of of course we all have struggles and like I I can literally there's a list I have like I have problems. We all have problems. >> So first and foremost if somebody's even asking such a question somebody emailed me recently and they said I invited somebody over for a meal and there was like an issue and now we're like we're not getting along but like I'm trying to overcome it. And he said,"I feel like I'm not living up to these ideals." And I I'm thinking like, you're reaching out and you're asking how to overcome a problem that you have with another Jew, right? Like realize how much you care. Like you've already done the first many many many steps. Like okay, there's what to work on, right? Hashem in in the Torah said that you shouldn't be vengeful and you shouldn't be jealous and you shouldn't like for a reason because these are parts of the human condition. But if you're starting from a place of how do I overcome it? You've gone like that's that's so good. It's such a great place to start, right? And it's hard. We that the answer is we have to work on these things. So I mentioned the individual's approach to building Jewish unity starts with yourself. God loves me. If he loves me, he loves everybody. If he loves everybody, I should love them, too. And then number two is you I have to I have to actually work on loving other Jews practically. There's a number three and it gets to this point. The number three is the third tenant of this philosophy of like polo. What poloa? What are we all saying that's the same thing? Everybody is saying I'm proud that I'm Jewish. I believe that I'm Jewish. I God loves me. That's number one. Number two is I love every Jew. Number three is I'm going to try to grow every day. And that's about everything. I'm going to try to grow every day. If every single Jewish person in the world would say, I am authentically legitimately proud to be a Jew. I love every Jew and I'm trying to grow every day. If everybody said and did those three things, then you wouldn't have to change today. Tomorrow, you have to work on it because you're claiming I'm going to try to grow every day. So, starting tomorrow, you have to work on yourself, right? But as of right now, we're all following the same script. And everything that you're doing fits and now you have to move forward. And that idea of I will try to grow every day applies even to loving every Jew. I can tell you right now 100% I love every Jew. I love every single Jew. Are there people who happen to be Jewish that I I have struggles with? Yeah, for sure. I still love them. Same I want to make the same proclamation. I love every single Jew. >> You're there. You got it. And I I I say this. >> Yeah. We we say it it's a part of davening right the the Arizal says that every single morning in prayer we have to proclaim that I that I have a commandment to love every Jew that's how we connect to God is by loving every Jew so my answer to the question is don't think that that's a problem like that's normal and you could work on it and actually practically this has helped me in some cases I have had situations where I've said you know I spoke to a certain rabbi I'm not going to name Uh cuz if I tell you who he is, then uh you might learn who the Jews that I have problems with. But uh I was talking to a particular rabbi about a particular issue I was having. And I told him, I'm just like, I I'm mad. Like I I have emotions. I'm a human. Like I it's it's hard for me. So he said something to the effect of, "Okay, fine. You're allowed to be now. Be better. Now grow." So I said, "Yeah, you're right. Right. you we des you deserve to have the difficulties and the relationships that you're troubled with >> your children your your parents >> friends that used to be friends people neighbors you are allowed you are allowed to be upset at them >> and to get into arguments and to have problems because you are human okay now work on it and it doesn't mean that you have to go resolve it tomorrow because that might be too hard you have to grow you have to try to grow every day. The third pillar of this unity vision is not you have to grow every day because making a commitment to grow every day is like you're going to burn out, right? That doesn't fit with the first pillar which is God loves me completely. I love myself. I'm proud of who I am. Right? You can't say I'm going to grow every day and also say I'm 100, right? Or you can, but it's it's too hard. You have to try to grow every day. One day I'm going to reach out. One day I'm going to call them. one day I'm gonna text them. Start with that, right? And if you if you do that, you'll get there. Lot and again utopia like >> is Msiah waiting on you on that one broken relationship that you have? I don't know. I can't answer that. >> But I can tell you that it says in and ethics of our fathers you are not required to solve every problem in the world. But you are not free to absolve yourself from whatever your best effort is. That's all we can do. And so we have to try. >> Powerful. Amazing. True. 100%. Rabbi Ari Friedner Jewish unity. We have a miny. We have a custom Kazak Torah talks which is a final message for our broad audience. Rabbi. >> Okay. I'm happy to share a final message. I believe uh this is going to be shared in the days leading up to tishab the ninth of a which this year will be flipped to a celebration >> but but the message will still be an important message even for after uh and my grandmother's yight um her name is hersel bas mosha her y site is the 28th of tamuz which is just a few days before av it's in the middle of this time called the three weeks. So I have a story about my grandmother that helped me understand how to relate to this this holiday of tishab. So my grandmother's very very very very like core person in my life. She was she really one of my parents like helped raise us like always there. when she passed away only a few years ago, we were at the uh graveside funeral in Atlantic City. Very small, maybe 20 people were there. And me and my siblings and my cousins, all her grandchildren were sitting down, my parents. And my dad got up to speak and he said he said to us to all of her grandkids, he said, "You kids don't understand that she lived for you." Like she had a job. She was very active in politics. Everybody in the community knew her. Like she was like a very very very big person and everybody loved everyone. Like one of those people that when you walk by like people smile cuz she was good to everybody. But he said to us, "She lives for you." Like you were her entire life. And in the moment, I was like, "It's a nice thing to say. It's very sweet." I mean, like, I'm obviously she I don't have grandkids yet, so I don't know what it's like to have grandkids. I can't relate personally to whatever that emotion is. I knew she was like very good to us and she loved us greatly and dearly. But to say something like the only thing in her life was you, like I I wrote it off as like a nice thing for him to say. It was very meaningful. maybe 80% true. Okay. So, that night or the next night, we're in her condo, just the grandkids, and we're going over memories and cleaning things out and looking in drawers, and I saw this little notepad, and it was in a ziplo. She was very neat and clean, like everything was like set up like pristine. So, I saw this little notepad with like a number of pages with their handwriting on it. And on the top page, it says in like bold thick, "It's over." And I was like, "What is this about?" She was like, "I never in my once in my life, almost never in my life did I ever see her anything but happy and jubilant, smiley." The once was she was at a political event and I was bothering her and she like >> like gave me a glare like one time and that I was like I've never seen that before. I >> I fell in line. So this notepad said it's over and I called over like my sister and my brother. I was like look at this. And we read the note and it was the note that she wrote when her husband died. my grandfather. I I have I don't know if my memories of my grandfather are real or the ones that were like placed, you know, like I was too young. He was I was six when he passed away. So I don't I don't even know if I have a memory of him or not. I don't know what he looked like from pictures. Whatever. So that was 1992, right? She passed away I think three years ago. So let's say 30 years. Does that make sense? 30 years. Yeah. In 1992 when he passed away, she wrote, "It's over." And she wrote the most terrifying, saddest message about how hopeless and desperate and life is over for her. She didn't want to live anymore. And nobody could believe this letter cuz none of us had ever seen her anything but 100% happy. And that's when we realized she did live for us. Literally, she kept on kicking for 30 years. By the way, not only that, she one of the reasons why I almost didn't go to Israel to study is because in 2004 when I was graduating high school, she was diagnosed within that 6 months with pancreatic cancer. And pancreatic cancer, if you don't know, you have a 5% chance of survival past the year. So, she was getting surgery and everything. And my rabbi said, "You should go to Israel." I said to him, "Can't do it." One was like, "Whatever. I'm going to college." But I what I actually told him was, "My grandmother has pancreatic cancer, and if she dies when I'm in Israel, I'll never forgive myself." >> So my rabbi told me, "My grandmother died when I went to Israel for the year, and it was the most meaningful year of my life." So I was like, "So you're telling me I shouldn't go? Like, you're telling me your grandmother died when you went to Israel? This is why I can't go." He said, "No, you don't understand. Even though she passed away, like that's how important." That's when I decided that I was going to go and I went to Israel and she survived. Another 15 years she lived. She literally lived for us cuz she knew we couldn't live without her. >> And I like it's it's hard for us now when we think about it. We were so close to her. We loved her so much. We couldn't live without her. And then we realized I lived in Cleveland. My sister lived in Orlando. My brother was in Hamilton. My grandfather died in 1992. We loved going over my grandmother's house to sleep over or to have dinner. It was days in between here and there. What about all the other times? What about the days that we didn't visit? the minutes of her sitting in her chair. She kept busy. She did other things. She had a job, but she lived for us. Every single second, she was just waiting. When am I going to see my grandkids? She didn't want to live when her husband died. She said, "What? It's over. What is the point?" And for 30 years, she went through every grueling second and minute waiting for the next opportunity that her grandkids would be around. Do we know what it's like for God to be alone? God created this whole universe and he waited 26 generations for the Jews. And he said, "Here's the Torah. When I say Marco, you say Polo." And now he says, "Marco, we're not answering." Every single time the BMTO says, "If a Jew thinks about Hashem for a moment, it's worth the whole universe." That's what it was like for my grandma. Every moment with us was like her whole life. But what about the in between moments? What about everything in between? And as long as we continue to go like this as a Jewish people and we're and we're not connected to each other, we don't have that univoid unified voice back to Hashem. That's what tishabove is. Tishabove is the day that we're supposed to sit and to realize that God is sitting alone waiting. How could it be that Jerusalem that God is sitting alone? These are the opening words to a to lamentations that we sing on tishab. How could it be? So I I'll just wrap up by saying that I heard uh another another author another author no uh psychologist well-known psychologist Daniel Kahanaman. So, he made a comment about psychology in an interview with Adam Grant. He said, I'm not going to quote him directly, something like, "We spend too much time focused on positive psychology. How to be happy and how to be Yeah, it's good. Like, you know, how to be unified. Let's unify as Jews. Lots of good stuff there." He says, "We spend too much time thinking about and and talking about working on positive psychology. If we would instead revert all of our energies and resources and and thought processes into what's the tragedy closest to me? How do I understand someone who is in pain nearby? We'd be much better off cuz we'd all just be helping each other. You want to know how to get to Jewish unity? Want to know what to do for yourself? You want to know how to connect to Hashem and his place of solitude? Just help somebody who's in pain. That's it. If all we did was that, all the positive stuff would come along and Hashem would be here. He should be here soon by Tishab this year for a celebration. >> Amen. Wow. Very very very very powerful. Robbie Friedner uh Jewish unity very very inspiring on a personal level. I got very very inspired by that story and it's very very true. Uh and we just got to take the lessons to heart. Want to remind everyone, Common Ground, brand new book by the rabbi, Rabbi Ariner, Unlocking the Secret Jewish Unity. We encourage everyone to get a copy. I have a copy over here. We want to thank our friends at Daily Giving. We do this on a on a weekly basis because you're here. >> Of course, I know. >> Daily Giving a dollar a day goes a really far way. We're very, very thankful. I spoke to Dr. Donuts and he read the book from cover to cover and he loved it very much in >> he told and he told me not because he had to. He told me that he enjoyed it the whole time. It's an amazing book and we encourage everyone to get a copy and want to thank the various different platforms that host Kazak Torah talks. The feedback is amazing. Special thank to our friends at Torah anytime and uh special thank to the Kazak staff and and volunteers and and board members and supporters and is the busiest time of the year for us right now in the summer. Very busy trying to get for the September school year as many Jewish kids into Jewish day schools. Over 2,000 kids have already been transferred. Thank you. And we want to do a lot more. If you have a family, a friend, a neighbor, whoever may need help, make sure to reach out to the organization [email protected] info@ chzq.org. Like the rabbi said, we shall be all merit. Complete redemption. Amen. Wow. Very powerful. [Music]