CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #206 Rabbi Mordechai Twersky - Shalom Bayis: From Conflict to Connection

Children absorb stress into the home. Sometimes it's because the children, sometimes it's because the parents don't know how to deal with children. And sometimes it's simply the husband and wife don't know how to communicate with each other. >> Communication. >> Yeah. Communication is a big word. >> Lack of communication causes issues. >> Yeah. When a couple or an individual comes in and says they have a problem with Sha and bias, I have to listen carefully. What they present on the surface is usually just the what they're arguing, fighting about, >> what's causing it. >> Right? So the first part we I would call an evaluation to listen carefully and to understand that there are issues that are underlying that's causing the conflict [Music] and welcome to Torah talks Kazak's program we spe with special guest today we have with us all the way from Brooklyn. So good to have the RAV at the Kazak headquarters. Thanks for joining us. >> I'm honored to be here. >> Thank you. Thank God. And the topic is shal from conflict to connection which is a very important topic. Before we get to that topic, we got a little bit background about the RV and the great work the RV is involved with. >> Well, just a little background. I grew up I was born in Denver, Colorado. Grew up in Denver, Colorado. and for um a number of years for 20 years lived in Denver as well and been in primarily cure programs and then when our younger children started I have my younger three daughters there was difficulties with the community and the schools and we sent our children to um to to New York my in-laws Alam were here in New York they so they spent we spent two years going back and forth to realize we can't do then, >> right? >> So, I went to my pis of doicon and I asked him, yeah, he says, I give you permission to move to New York as long as you keep on doing what you were doing there. >> How's that possible? So I we started the shul actually in the basement of our home, a small minion and within 6 months there was no more room in the basement >> and we rented a storefront and within a year there was no more room in the storefront and we bought a building that had had a a home that had a fire and we renovated and we bash expanded the building four times since then. >> Wow. >> So community grew. >> Yeah. So the understanding what America has to offer, I'm very familiar with it. I grew up in America. I grew up in the 50s, the 60s, the 70s, the 80s. No. >> Wow. >> And then come back into moved into the Torah community, the film community in New York. And it initially I looked at it, I didn't understand it. >> I said, "What's going on here?" >> There's something, you know, and people started to coming talking to me because they knew my background. And I realized that there's a piece of Torah that a bridge between the therapeutic community and the Torah community. There was a big gap, >> right? So working together with Rabon and therapists to create a bridge which today there's quite a number of these what we'll call coaches Torah coaches who help shias with Torah perspectives because until this until the last maybe almost five years maybe a little bit more than that the stigma of a from couple going to a therapist was very high Right. >> I didn't want to the the Rabon did not trust the therapist and the therapists didn't trust the Raon. So the neffish organization which has helped a lot with that and um the the now the these programs that run like and kanaki are all building the ability of to address the problems of peace in the house literally needs to be completed. So that's a little bit the background >> right. So in the realm of sh which is the topic what are the underlying reasons couples seek help there obviously stress at their home in their home conflict sometimes the conflict is comes out because the children are misbehaving and the parents want to know what's wrong with the children where it's really the parents >> the conflict that's taking place. Children absorb stress in the home. So sometimes it's because the children, sometimes it's because the parents don't know how to deal with children, and sometimes it's simply the husband and the wife don't know how to how to communicate with each other. >> Communication. >> Yeah. Communication is a big word. >> Yeah. >> Um >> lack of communication causes issues. >> Yeah. Except for So then, so when a couple or an individual comes in and says they have a problem with Shaolias, I have to listen carefully. what they present on the surface is usually just the what they're arguing fighting about >> what's causing it. >> Right? >> So the first one we I would call an evaluation to listen carefully and to understand that there are issues that are underlying that's causing the conflict. So we have we can do the alphabet you know ADD ADHD OCD >> the ABC XYZ everything >> right and we know they can't you can't use labels >> if we label the person say ah you know what your problem is you have ADD the person's out the door so we say ah I see that you're having difficulty keeping your your self focused on one thing at a time he says yeah I know that's what that's what I do I do everything well that's my business I I'm always running around and doing and I listen and I see that the problem difficulty is >> that you know for example you know the person is multitasking all the time including in the conversations with the wife right >> and the wife saying you're never talking to me you know you cut me off in the middle right that type of thing >> so um that and if you want to call it u anxiety and depression which are all fairly well linked together there are medications that work temporarily. >> Temporarily. Yeah. >> Uh I was on the way here I was thinking of a conversation I had with a with a couple who had some fairly serious problems. I realized that the husband was not only ad was hyperactive as well and it was affecting his his business. He was he was in computers. He was he couldn't get his business together. And so we got him on some some simple basic medication and things were really good for a year or two. And then the wife called me up. It's they're back the way they were. So I called the husband. I said, "What's going on?" >> He says, "Are you still taking the medication?" He says, "No." >> I said, "Why not?" He says, "Because I realized that this person who I was becoming who thinks about one thing at a time is not me. >> It's not me." So I know I wasn't comfortable with the fact that the medication was making me feel like I would not me. So I stopped the medication. So I understand the what was happening. Um so medication for the most part is a temporary patch. Sometimes long-term depression etc could be longterm but that's doesn't address the underlying causes for it. >> Anxiety is learned at a young age and therefore it can be unlearned even later on in life. depression which very often comes as a product of an anxiety and not being able to find answers. So if you help them find answers to what they're struggling with then the depression lifts. >> So yes, we generate all such wonderful things to help people start to laugh about this what their their weaknesses are and recognize that there is a way to help them change their thinking and behavior. change behavior is easier. Getting to change the way that their brain is programmed is harder. I have developed together with a couple of alternative um uh I don't call it healers but people who do alternative treatments fairly quick way to demonstrate how a person's thinking. I could show it to you right now. Would you like to see it? Yes, sure. Okay. Put out your right arm. Okay, I'm going to push down. Right. Okay. This has come from chiropractic. >> Should I resist? >> Resist. Resist. Okay. Resist. Resist. >> Good. Am I pushing hard? >> Uh, not hard enough, I guess. >> Okay. Good. I'm pushing down hard, >> I guess. So, >> so I want you to say, I am strong. >> I am strong. >> Come on. Push. Resist. >> Okay. Say it again. >> I am strong. >> Yeah. Okay. Ready? >> Yeah. >> Okay. Ready to resist? Say, I am weak. >> I am weak. Wow. >> Our brain is programmed. When we say the words, I am strong. >> You're strong. >> Strong. When I say I am weak, >> you're weak. >> Then I ask the wife to say it while I'm holding the husband's hand and the husband when the wife says I am weak, the husband hand goes down. >> Ah. So you realize that our brains are mirroring each other's thought processes. >> The power of our speech also. >> The Yeah. >> Power of our words. >> The power of our words. the power of our thinking and it affects our entire body. >> I just this is just yeah I can test your legs like one of the ways to test it which I do all the time. I don't tell them what I'm doing is watching their eyes >> because the eyes follow which side of the brain is processing information. >> Very interesting. So these are these are just basically and I and I do this right away at the beginning to let them know that I understand that what they're experiencing now is because of the way they've learned how to think and how to start thinking differently. >> Very powerful. >> Okay. So when it comes to working with couples and able to work with what we call insight into what's happening underneath the surface, then it's not so hard to make change. And it's also not so hard to get them to get therapeutic help or medication. You know, we have from the psychiatrists who are available, understand, you know, when the husband says, "I can't get up for domining, you know, and his wife and his wife saying, "I'm very upset. My husband's not going to do the therapist, the psychiatrist understands. >> He understands. Yeah, he >> understands. It's not just it's not depression. It's affecting the entire home." >> 100%. And then the wife looks down at the husband and wife down the husband. husband feels bad about himself and >> the cycle of >> so so addressing these issues there's what's the most effective ways to address this these issues that are happening >> okay so there there are for most of the behavioral problems there are ways to help either with medication or with good therapeutic program alternatives um to the standard therapy and there are now some really good things that workbooks that you can take a from couple with a kosher workbooks and help them work through so they can see where the thinking has gotten them into trouble and how to get them to think differently. So the >> from writers, from publishers, >> some are from some but some of them are just simply good workbooks. >> Good workbooks. >> Um CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy. There's some really nice workbooks which in a conversation when you start the person says, "Yeah, I got it." It says, "Here, let's take this workbook. Let's work through, you know, work through the the thought process." Oh, they didn't get it. M >> but when they sit down to write it through write a write follow a workbook process and write through an exercise the change starts to become real because we know our thoughts our words and our actions when a person is thinking I need to change and I say I'm willing to change and I sit down and write what it takes for me to change it it it becomes very effective and it's and it's much more much more effective than what we call armchair therapy. >> Armchair therapy sitting down. >> Yeah. Uh even though that's no longer such such a prevalent uh practice, armchair therapy is almost out the window. >> Really? >> Yeah. Especially among the Torah world. Therapists recognize from therapists who sees a problem and they're trying to struggle with it. They feel the pain and they and they understand. Yeah. I have no therapist. They have lists that they say every day uh haven't done before with them before their clients. >> Wow. >> Because they care and maybe that's maybe that's what has helped us a lot. >> What what uh steps can be taken to prevent such challenges from arising in the first place so the couple doesn't have to get to this point of whether it's therapy or or >> see it depend it depends on was the was these problems this first noticed when they were still young. before they got married. Part of the difficulty is that um you can take a girl go to Bishak or Bisha and as long as they're not making trouble, nobody nobody bothers them, >> right? They're doing well and the report card is doing well. Well, the test could be said they're making it through >> making it through. >> Uhhuh. >> Had one you man who after I'm talking to him for while his his wife was complaining, I realized he never learned how to read. Younger man meaning a col guy >> he doesn't know how to read. >> No. So what >> he passed through entire everything all those by memorizing everything. >> Wow. >> Had great memory right but he because his mind had to use memory instead of and nobody ever caught that. He actually never learned how to read. So if the problem is caught earlier on before they get married then it can be addressed fairly easily at the beginning of a marriage. But the difficulty is that so many of these a alphabets these these the underlying diagnosis are not caught until they're well into their marriage when starting to interfere with the dayto-day. >> Why would him not being able to read affect his marriage? What is >> Yeah. Because his wife wanted to know how come he's not learning with [Music] >> he says well because I you go to Davin I sit down I learn afterwards. Yeah. And also she realized that there's something missing. You know, he's not he's not the bent that she thought he was. >> In his mind, he was. >> But in their relationship, she realized it was a gap. >> There was something wrong. And when I sat down to talk to him trying to I talked to him individually, I started trying to catch what the underlying problem was. He had never he had some may learning disability as a child and he learned how to get through the system. >> Wow. So if we can catch these things and which and the yeshivas have become much more astute and aware >> than they ever were. They're trying to catch when they see a learning disability or behavioral disability in a child they try and address it now before. But we have in the tar world still if a if a if a child is seems to be functioning well and not making trouble it's very easy for them to fall underneath the under the radar. >> Wow. There was a family that uh mentioned to me that how the child that quote unquote caused trouble in their marriage in life they're doing much better while the child that was okay in school like the rabbi is mentioning is struggling but that could just be because they just went through it. So it's very important to try to be alert and to realize and to pay attention underlying issues that god forbid could only get worse. So this is you know so you want how to prevent it. early detection >> early detection >> because once they're married and they're already adults so you know 95% of the brain and its patterns are fully developed by the age of 20 age of six% [Music] another 10% puberty another 10% by the time uh a couple bentor comes into marriage at the age of 20 22 23 95% of his of his patterns of communication already set. >> M. >> So, how much do can we make a change? >> 5%. >> And it's very hard to change. >> It's hard to none of us like to change. We're all accustomed to where I think goes. >> So then when that happens, it's Yeah, we have we have not prevented it before. If we can catch it early on in in the early ages of development, it's much easier to help with it. So the correlation between I know the Torah talk is about peace in the home. The correlation with regards to with regards to child wearing raising children the rabbi said in the beginning is that there it's it's uh very much connected meaning if the children are misbehaving it cause issues with regards to the peace in the home. Well, how can we prevent uh I'm saying obviously I say over a thing on on on I speak here then everywhere and one of the messages that the letter peace in the home and means to praise the more you praise the family the the wife the husband whatever it is the more praise and positive energy in the house the more you can have peace in the home the more you can have good children >> that's and then when it's not happening then then it affects every part of their life and it affects the children as well, >> right? Um and as we know divorce which is now becoming a bigger problem and the children that are growing up in split homes are struggling in when in institutions because they come home they come into school trying to solve their parents' problems >> and they don't can't pay attention to what's going on in class and emotionally they're not being developed correctly. So they don't know how to interact with each other. >> Wow. >> So those these are some of many of the issues that are that are facing the Torah world in today's world that are we call mental health issues. Hashem the mental health I don't call industry the mental health community that in that based Torah has meant made many many advances in trying to get >> it's grown tremendously >> grown tremendously which is a mai because then I know that if I have a particular type of struggle with that needs to be addressed therapeutically I know who to send them to um and I have raon who understand the issues and will not give up sak without taking into regard what the underlying issues are. I just had it with a couple just recently. They went to the wife went to one who gave up which tore apart the family and then I sent them to understood the issues and was a breath of fresh air. M no very very very very informative Torah talk shall embide from conflict to connection very very important to have proper communication and connect with right individuals to guide them we have a custom Torah talks as a final message for our broad audience >> oh coming to New York back 20 odd years ago I realized that one of the things that was needed is that teachers and raon need to be guided on how to work with bay so I set up a series of seminars which we work with had 150 participants. Um I just finished finishing up one group up in Lakewood one the kulum on how to teach bur who are going into abonus going into >> right >> going into the needs of the community >> right >> how to understand how to evaluate and how to help them guide them tools that are Torah based all and all parracious is full with the guidance of how to deal shown by from the garden to his wives. >> Torah I always say is the way of life. It shows you >> by learning Torah by delving to the Torah. You could find out turning on you could find lessons and and messages that are appropo to everyday life. We could become better people. So using Torah skills I call it Torah based family therapy teaching um and teachers how to use Torah to help them with the tools that they're looking for has made a tremendous difference. I get keep getting calls from them over the years and how do I deal with this and >> right >> had one you man sitting at the table so she was I'm married for 15 years and this is the first time I'm learning this he was taking the course so >> wow amazing rabbi thank you very very very much we should only hear good news we want to thank uh everyone for joining us to talk amazing Torah talks we want to thank our various different platforms that are hosting the Torah talks with a special thanks to our friends at Torney anytime. A special thank you to daily giving. A dollar a day goes a very very far way. We encourage everyone to look into it and become a daily giver. Want to thank Natan behind the camera and the entire Kazak staff team uh volunteers, board members, supporters. So much great things happening with the organization. Rabbi, you should know the summer were the busiest as you saw over here uh to get kids out of the public school systems into over 2,000 is children have already been transferred and uh just the beginning. We want to do a lot more. We need everyone to get involved. Please, if you have a family member, a friend, a neighbor that could use Kazak's help, we're always ready, willing, and able. We do need more individuals to get involved and support the great work of Khazak. Kazak.org donate khazak.org/ /live is Tuesday nights 8:30 p.m. tour, talk to special guests and once again we should only hear >> amazing twins. [Music]