CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #185 Rabbi Yisrael Kaikov - Why is My Kid Struggling?

if your kid feels loved that is a Lifeline that brings your kid back to the table that usually makes him not go away from the table um very often once one parent doesn't have that K so much so then the other one usually does rarely is it that both don't have that Co so much but the kid needs to feel loved all the other problems that they that the kid endure is growing up is like you know a temporary uh issue it's like a hiccup you know bump on the road if he feels loved it comes back to the table [Music] immediately welcome to Tor talk kazak's program with special guest we have with us RAB is RAB how are you how are you amazing phenomenal great always good to have you at the kazak headquarters and we're going to be speaking about why is my kid struggling but before we do that topic if we get a little background about the rabbi and the great work you are involved with um so first of all thank you very much for having me here course um and we hope uh this will uh be very successful I'm actually happy that I'm coming out of the class I'm wiped out so this is going to come like you know uh from the heart things that come out of the heart enter the heart yes so about myself um so my parents they uh left usbekistan in the 70s my father went to ER Israel in 73 my mother um I think through Italy came to America in 79 um two different cities samen and they got married here uh my father came from a very traditional home and my mother's from tashk City you know so it's different over there and um so I was I was born first and I uh although I went first to some sort of a um kirisha for prea um I somehow ended up in public school for first and second grade oh wow I didn't know this and it's actually very interesting because we're talking about the 80s and um I remember Shabbat was very serious for me and my family um I had a cap in my bag I would put my cap first whatever and um cashous I couldn't touch any of the food so it was very sort of like yoseph MIT a little bit interesting um this is with the 80s were like one my cousins second cousins and third cousins were all like M shabat because you know they didn't come from such a stronger they didn't know any better yeah so I was like living two three Worlds at the same time in a way and clim lad my parents put me in Hulk academ West Queens for third third fourth fifth grade and slowly slowly went up climb the ladder and I ended up kashani for a year Shalom um so that was sixth grade and so to make a long story short the big turning point I guess was of Ziva and that's where I was introduced to all aside from the fact that you know kashus and and Shabbat was all from the house thanks to my father but Concepts like T you know loving God fearing God uh wasting time not learning Torah all these Concepts were first introduced to me byov um so that was that and I guess I became more aligned with the Shiva system and ended up in the Mir Shiva graduated high school there I learned there for 10 years in Co thanks my wife um entirely and so then I I was I taught Jewish history for seven years in melik in bar Park um eventually made my way back to Queens um in sh our community Yesa umem for like 13 14 years or so I taught second grade for six years and um eighth grade now for like seven eight years um so that's I can testify seeing the eighth graders they're always uh Glu and connected with RAB RAB also runs the summer camp at to and the boys are sing and learning in the summer it's an amazing thing and he's doing a lot many other great things so we're going to jump to the topic of why is my kid struggling so Rabbi what would you say the some of the challenges that we have today uh facing uh our children so I'm this is a very big question so I'm just telling you my my uh Vantage Point what I see could could be um there's other I'm sure there's other answers too and maybe even I'm wrong I don't know but to my opinion I see a big difference because I saw the I guess the transition of the uh phone the iPhone generation come in um children who you know their their mother specifically and father uh didn't have a smartphone and then slowly as the years went on to when they did have a smartphone what that did so that's something that uh was definitely was a huge thing um yeah every generation has that the rambam writes that a woman should go outside at least once a month you know let her go outside once a month and that was like you know 800 years ago uh today it's very normal obviously and people learn to work with it as I mentioned earlier um 25 years ago Bish had a problem with with kids going off to Der from religious homes and now it's much less of a problem because as you learn to cope with the issue you learn techniques around it so there's you know it's not intrinsically wrong but act you know in actuality at the end of the day it's something to uh that you have to work with um I feel that kid today they don't have their parents as much as they did because parents are busy uh doing you know working on their phones or working in general you know parents have but now we learned how to work with somewhat that that took many years was a few decades fine then there is this this whole thing with the phone right um specifically a mother that's that's a big thing and homes start off on this wrong foot it's not like many homes after 10 15 years every a label lamb told me once that um if you work very hard in the beginning so everyone follows like the first caboose in a train so if you work your system properly and you are involved but maybe a little bit less the home will go the right direction usually but to start off the home on the wrong foot so that's a very big problem that's a very big problem that's something we're having today in this generation for the first time obviously you know CU this whole thing with came out right yeah relatively of course you know so that's uh that that's one thing that's one of the main challenges that the RAB what what would you say is a solution this massage Challenge and it's not just the phone because the phone includes in it the browsing and the social media people have and it just like a massive amount of content on one device so usually the answer to every to every problem like what do we do with this problem any problem you say you the the first answer I would say 90% of the time is acknowledgement if if if we acknowledge that that's an issue to realize so that that's a huge already re um you know there you have this you have this in many different areas touching upon in different areas you'll have sometimes let's say parents that are more modern end up with more successful kids parents that are very very strong in religion so one of the reasons is there's a clear acknowledgement by the modern parents that we don't know it's not our field the Torah field and um so that's sort of the kid doesn't feel you know that you know I guess justified in the wrong way but whenever there is uh there are parents that think that they what they're doing is right because they know they understand they're in the system they've been through the system they are Authority themselves which is very very scary so that that is that is a massive problem you know so it's easier to acknowledge whenever you're ignorant when you're ignorant of the issue so then you can acknowledge if I go to the dentist and he tells me something I'm totally ignorant so I'll acknowledge I don't know I make myself like nothing but once I'm going to be like you know I'm a little bit of authority also so that's a problem people their guns so acknowledge is number one even if you don't succeed to get the two three and four whatever it is you give a chance to the kid to to make it he'll find information out there and there are people out there who have have good advice but you you didn't close the door to your kid you left the door open don't stick to your guns you have this a lot of times with Bal Chua that the first kids end up a certain strong way and later on weaker one the reason this because in the very beginning um there there's very like I know nothing I'm not an authority I'm nobody and trying to learn and drink and and you know proper direction so the kids saw that so the kids sort of went that that way also humble way also but later on whenever there's strong you know um Authority as if to say so then later on then later kids you know suffer from that I I read or heard somewhere one time about is that it's important when your child ask for something you should ask him what's your advice what do you think given that opportunity to also have quote unquote in a say in in in the matter whatever it may be uh oh I want more candy like what do you think about having more candy is it good for your teeth is it makes you wild is it health you know like let them be part of the decision making you ever heard of that concept so I I heard the concept it's a little bit dangerous because the that the message for that advice will accidentally be like you know it will make him feel he's he's a little bit Authority which is very dangerous the idea actually it's um sort of manipulating um the situation where you have his Avenue open right now so you pull him to the table and when he's in if you have proper Authority you sort of put him on track properly because if he's not in you're talking on deaf ears you're just talking talking talking with amazing advice and he hears absolutely nothing so once he comes in he's I think this I think that so you you make him feel like you know he's somebody everyone has to feel like somebody everybody so when you you feel like somebody so if it's just a matter of you know letting him decide and that's where ends and hearing him out and people do say that by the way so it's it's not a good idea in that case so there's also that God Almighty himself when he came to creating man let us make man in the sense tell us what he got advice from Angels the Angels the so over here it's it's it's it's like putting them involved with the conversation not that they should make the final decision of doing X Y and Z just it's a discussion I I think Rashi says that the the Torah teach is Derk erz you know proper what's the word uh manners I guess you could call it um if you're a boss so to speak like aem's the boss so he spoke to to on that were under him right teaching us he didn't need it it's to teach us it's your your business will go smoothly you know it's sort of like if you think about it it's more like there's a deficiency in the people that work there that they're going to be offended and it's going to you're going to you know take it the wrong way and ultimately it's going to mess up your whatever business you have or whatever doing so to keep proper you know healthy feelings do that meaning if that wasn't an issue then you don't need to do that right right here so the first uh advice the Rabbi says is that people need to recognize that there is an issue with regards to the phon acknowledge acknowledgement there's a phone there's a problem with the phone now if you really acknowledge it enough you're going to start taking steps you know turn it off at certain hours um that's probably a very smart thing to do have a phone diet turn it off for a couple hours by the way um in eighth grade you could imagine you know me and my students will be listening to this probably some degree we say there goes Reby again with the phones you know but the the phone issue with the kid is a different issue than the phone issue with the parents so I just want to tell tell the boys that shout out to sh boys yeah this is actually working for you this time we're going to get your parents to turn off their phones so you know spend more time with you so this time it's for you so I'm hoping get to get cheer you know get cheer on this time I love the line disconnect to connect very good put away the phone so that you can connect with the children with the family and uh I'm sure to cut you off but very often people will say that let's say they don't connect the parents they'll do something else who knows what there there is a feeling of by the kid and anyone has this where it's not just you're not giving me attention that other device became your you know Focus but if it's because of something else I don't know you're cleaning up something that's more regular so it bothers the kid less M so it's not even even if the kid doesn't get the tension right like disconnect just another line This connect like to show the kid I'm not connecting with something else that's also a a gain right very powerful so uh how do you take this advice and channel it to the individual child meaning meaning you know there's the overall picture okay mommy or daddy whatever it is put away the phone that's amazing that's phenomen that's great but how does one focus with that like the title is struggling uh why is my kid struggling so you your answer in a sense is that it's because that's one reason that's one reason other reasons too right right so what would be a technique to help a child that is struggling is there any tips that Rabbi has over the years that you've been dealing with so many children and families your own family so I guess the the most powerful thing in which all the hundreds of books out there Zoom down you know to to the following the bottom line zeroing if your kid feels loved that that is like that is a Lifeline that brings your kid back to the table that usually makes him not go away from the table um very often once one parent doesn't have that K so much so then the other one usually does rarely is it that both have the co so much but the kid needs to feel loved when the kid feels loved so all the other problems that they they that the kid andur is growing up is like you know a temporary uh issue it's like a hiccup you know bump on the road if he feels loved he comes back to the table immediately so that that's now how this and that you know nobody um a couple years ago uh I was the principal in Mir high school and you know different communities have different struggles and one thing inish circles is smoking for high school kids in our circles have such a problem this whole you know philosophy why you can speak about it also if you want which we'll definitely explain a lot but there's a smoking issue so I went over to one boy in 11th grade I'm like if you knew your mother was crying that you're smoking would you smoke he's like my mother's not crying we spoke about it now by by the ashm approach is more I guess it's more American maybe if there's an issue with the kid you you sit down and talk why is this so why is this that so that that's how the parents you know those approaches the parents but now the kids left thinking that it's not so bad my parents spoke to me about it they explained to me whatever and it was time so I said well maybe she just wants to be nice to you but really if you pass by your bedroom and you put ear you you heard one time your mother crying and because you're you're smoking let's say you saw that I you're surprised would you stop smoking he was surprised himself when he answered back yeah I would and he couldn't believe he answer he I would stop smoking so because you know he loves his mother so over there there there was love the parents put love over there but the parents also showed a little bit like you know he translates it's an option just you know it's not ideal if you really knew that it's a problem he wouldn't smoke I had that myself actually when I was in Yesa um in a mirror so someone offered me cigarette you know when someone becomes aan gets married so the custom give cigarettes I never knew this I'm like you serious like all good boys what in the world I could believe this so after this happened two three times I'm like I was older B but imagine I get stuck on this and I thought like my mother how would she deal with it in her heart I can't do this her it's going to break her heart I can't do this to so that's the reason never again that was that was that so if parents show loveing love yeah if you show Even if you think your kids don't like it give them a hug and a kiss and they say no you show that you're crazy about your kid you know there's you could fail here and there you get upset you yell but that doesn't mean that overall you know um show shows a message 100% it shows a message refuse [Music] love the root of the word is the more you give to the children and you're there for the children giving of time putting away the stuff like the rabbi said focusing your energies and channeling your energies into the children have a massive massive effect uh we have a we have a kasak Toro is a final message for our broad audience Rabbi kov so um if if I had to pick a final message it would be the love thing definitely that's uh that's I guess you could put that into final message also but children see the priorities and whenever they see I remember when I was a little boy and my father was in Israeli Army so um um if we were driving in a car and I parents listening to the news if I'm sure you could relate to this also I'm just guessing because I know your parents also from Isel so if they'll be talking about uh a war in N no one's no no one spoke in the car my father be like don't talk don't talk right away like there's you know the talk with the war or something CU that was like we we knew once he would say in Israel whatever it is the car would just get silent instantaneously because that was a priority so there are different priorities um one of my favorite stories speaks volumes is that there was this father that flew with his son to England to take him to samish over there maybe Gat said whatever it is and he plugs him in goes to the office and he's happy he says goodbye to his son flies back to New York you realized when he flew back to New York that he has the uh talit you know of of his son they're Yaki they're German Jews so he was you know he's very attached to that MH to that custom by the airport he gets another flight back to England flies back to England okay you can imagine it's 5 six hour flight flight flies back to England gets to his son's dorm his son sees him like 10 15 hours later I like what happened he said you you forgot your talit in my bag so the son says but you could have just bought me one here it would have costed cheaper and you know he said if I would have done that there is a big chance that this mean haug and our family could have just like stopped I guarantee you this meag for hundreds of years will never stop in our family because the mug father flew back to England with this what level of priority but it has to be real the father really felt it so believe you me this boy this Baker he'll be wearing his talit and his boys will be wearing their talit and his grandsons will be wearing their talit also so when whenever you show what's really important to you even if you mess up in the transmission of it and you slip here and there but you sure that's aching you in your heart that's that's of utmost importance to you right the message will be Del delivered and you will mamash succeed why our kids are struggling give the to continue spreading the Tor and giving to all these amazing children and want to remind everyone every single Tuesday night 8:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time kak T talk with special guest ch Z AQ do.org k.org special thank you to the various different platforms that host kak t with a special shout out to our friends at T time your brother-in right Reuben and special thank you to daily giving a dollar day goes a very very far away we encourage everyone to check that out as well daily giving.org special thank you to Nat be hard behind the camera our media director does an amazing job we want to remind everyone this is the season this is a Time kazak massive campaign over 1,800 in sh have already been 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