CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #130 Rabbi Avrohom Stulberger - All About Teenagers

the very often the the balich Chua make the from from birth individuals look bad they and they really do in a sense surpass for them they know the other side they know the darkness and they they embracing the light when you're coming from Darkness to light there's going to be a passion there's going to be an excitement I see the truth when you grow up with the truth there a very it's very easy to sort of take it for granted let me just ride on my parents coattails and you know you we we take it for granted very often well we see many sons of of rabbis do not follow in their father footsteps very often we see kids taking a very different [Music] route welcome to Torah talks kazak's Tuesday night program with special guest we have with us all the way from Los Angeles correct Valley stouber welcome how's the r doing how's theem doing great from the valley we send regards to all okay amazing be talking about inside and out all about the teenagers and before we get to the exciting topic I guess uh a little bit background of the rabbi and the great work you're involved with yes I've U I went to high school and and Bas Med Queens yes 13 years post High School um and the real I grew up in Queens myself I'm a Queens boy gard's boy myself uh 1986 we moved to Valley Torah High School to Los Angeles to the valley we've been here ever since um my obviously my main focus we have a boy school about 130 boys we have another girl school 130 girls um I'm responsible for both schools uh been doing that for like I say 37 years is my 38th year barem and in addition I have the Hat I wear the hat of the head of Thea of principal Council here in Los Angeles so very often shist that come up with schools getting into schools being thrown out of schools different issues that come up also come my way as I have to facilitate some of the uh the uh strategies to deal with those challenges in terms of kids not having a Yeshiva both elementary school and high school and as well I I we also learned a lot serving on The Advisory Board of alenu for for a number of years dealing with the crisis on many levels in America which again filters into the teenage world into the K Israel world so um those issues are also very much on my mind and things that I have experienced in amazing strength so the topic of is in everyone's mind educating our our youth our children what is a difference with regards to with regards to children and teenagers is there a difference with Elementary aged and high school aged absolutely absolutely I mean and the afor there's a lot we can talk about but the for introduces us a little bit when he talks about Yosef when he was um now and he was as end of Braes we are told about Yosef in the whole episode with the brothers andar says Sao there was a certain challenge being in N at 17 years old he defined it as not as smart as he was as brilliant as he was and he was Yad at the same time there's a certain element of a teenager coming into his own and number one focus on the immediacy which is the safera point focus on the immediacy of the moment where he really could not see the RO of his actions and the discussions that he had with yov and the whole isue of lashar regarding the brothers he responded from a position obviously again we're talking about y but at the same time that Nar was a find of somebody who responds to the immediate as opposed to the longterm and that is something that we've seen you know in the teenage world even the the scientific world that very often is jumps on the badwagon way later than the ter of course but sometimes they do get it right and they do recognize that what the T teaches us is accurate that they too recognize that there is something about the teenage brain that really is very different than the adult brain and certainly as a youngster before the the teenage years we're not in that mode where it's got to be my way teenagers are very often uh young men and young women that are feeling their oats that have found new level of Independence new levels of awareness and they need to understand that and to respect it while at the same time creating the proper guidelines is something that parents find very challenging how do you find how do you give that teenager the level of Independence while at the same time saying this is the way it is and I'm still the parent and uh when we make mistakes in that regard we very often end up paying the the results where we see too much push back and a lot of issues right 100% so as parents uh listening in what is the right approach with regards to uh dealing with educating our teenagers how much space do we give them they want to go and explore they you know we know the importance and also if if there's a difference between the boys and the girls okay um so I there's a lot to be said on this topic number one um we really if we think that we're going to win the teenage battle by putting our foot down as many parents think and I'm G to show my kid I'm boss I run the show and this is the way it's going to be it's the it's my way or the highway and that whole mentality you might win shortterm you're not going to win long term I always say you care about how from they are when they're 15 or you care about how from they are when they're 25 and 35 so you might win the battle of the 15 year old but you know then when you wake up at at and they're they're 20 years old and the fire is gone and they want to leave Yeshiva and they're not developing the way you want them to and you just what Happ what's happening that is if you speak to abum throughout America it's a very much a crisis within clly Israel of the disconnect Jew and sometimes even KY like they leave they leave and you look at them a few years after KY what happened and the question is it wasn't really their own they didn't you didn't we didn't give our kids a chance to truly internalize who they are as as Jews how they're a the service is really in properly in in in line I just just for a second I'll say very briefly but just really on this last week's para we just read and Par told those the the alar of Kellum has an incredible incredible idea when he says why did answer instead of and Rashi says you can't compare the TW of a of a righteous person the son of a righteous person compared to a righteous person who's son of a of a wicked person and he asked what do you mean just the opposite of B Chua we know that somebody who repents who comes close to go is at a much higher level than even a great sadic so what's that all of a sudden here y gets answered and not Rifka Rifka came from the house of Buel they were Idol worshippers they were conniving sleazy people and yet Rifka became Rifka shouldn't she be given so much more credit she says a fantastic idea that very often the the balich Chua make the ffbs the from from birth individuals look bad they and they really do in a sense surpass up why because for them they they know the other side side they know the darkness and they they embracing the light when you're coming from Darkness to light there's going to be a passion there's going to be an excitement there's going to be I want to do everything right there's no sort of laxidasical mentality when you are taking full advantage of the opportunity you've been given because bar I see the truth when you grow up with the truth is a very it's very easy to sort of take it for granted I'm the son of a rinu and the son of suru let me just ride on my parents coattails and you know we we take it for granted very often well we see many sons of of rabbis do not follow in their Father's Footsteps very often we see kids taking a very different route and what y he explains was unique from the point of view that he was able to grow up in A's house and in s's house and yet he made it his own he was a sad sadik means he didn't just ride on their coils he totally said this is my job I I have to be my I have to be my unique individual ual um person who achieve greatness not because uh who who my father is who my mother is it's about about who I am I need to be the best I could be I think for us we have to find ways to allow space for our kids to make choices where they see yish is their own if you even if the kids very forget about being rebellious they're not rebellious they follow orders but if it's only orders that they're following so did it ever become theirs they ever show for daving because they want to be there for daving did they ever spend an extra time at SATA because they chose to be at learning longer or is it because pressure peer pressure the parents you got to do this you got to be the you know you got to be the top kid in the class all these pressures we create when do we give the this young adult a chance to really Embrace Torah for what it really is the most beautiful life in the world but they they have to embrace it it has to be theirs and when they wake up some of these kids wake up at and boys or girls they wake up 20 22 25 sometimes even later and like I never bought into this I just I kept following orders I kept following what people were telling me so so it's it's a tough thing to navigate it's not there's not one formula but number one we have to give them some space to sort of let them choose their way and that's why we have to listen to them we have to talk to them and the other point is that telling them is really not the answer our job as parents is to make yish kite so beautiful so uplifting so exciting so vibrant so relevant that who would want to live another life because nobody really when they know what Torah is about no one wants to live another life who who in the world would would give this up when they know the truth when we know what what it's how beautiful it is and how uplifting it is and how connected it is you wouldn't we wouldn't want to go any place else but why do kids do because they think they're not getting that satisfaction it's not this is not what I chose this not what I want and therefore they very often they they leave and they very often they come back but how sad is it they have to make this very C circuitous route away and they come back and they go through different challenges different crisis if we can make it where our home when they come home there is this sense of connection and positivity and receptivity and excitement and just the the just unbridled Joy of being a tyod that's what they have to see and then they choose it on their own as opposed to us telling them what they have to do and the the amount of space again I you know I just maybe speak from a personal experience I raised six kids myself and now they married they have families but when when a kid wants to sort of you know dabble not something that's prohibited but even something that's permissible maybe not exactly what you had in mind you know if if and then I'll just pick one example that's sort of universal the kid says you know I don't want to wear a hat for daving I don't want I I don't feel comfortable with the hat so I'm picking something very lukewarm where we're not we not it okay that's you're going to make that battle you're going to pick that battle no you have to wear the hat so he starts getting re resentment and they start feeling negative and you know a girl comes and you know I want to do whatever the earring a little bit here or the second earring it's not a prohibitions and that's a little Independence a little asserting maybe there are school rules but outside of school you know is it so terrible so I'm picking very power of a lukewarm things that don't do not go against but clearly we have to navigate sometimes even against is saying now even goab bid if a kid goes completely off our job is to keep loving them and keep them connected and keep them close certainly if if the space that they're asking for is something that's that's not going against the idea that might is gonna do this no way no you know we we do everything I'll bees well you know it's one thing to to feel that way about the overall feeling of your home but this particular individual young man young lady lady you know needs to have some space and needs to feel that let me find my way and when they find the way I'll just say one one one of my children loved loved hearing to you know non non-jewish music Love listening to non-jewish music I could have put my foot down I didn't and and you know what how much more meaningful is it that in 11th grade that particular child says I I dropped it if I had said no their whole life they would have said my father didn't let me listen and I want to and I all you know maybe they sneak it and they you know they sneak here they sneak there and there's resentment and you know you know I I said just don't play it out lot put it put it on your earbuds and then I said you know you know how we feel but if you really want to listen you know listen with your and by 11th grade you know they they dropped it and they they went in a different direction bar so you know again I'm there's no set formula there's always you have to consult you have to ask but the idea that that we just sort of lower the boom and we're happy because 14 through 17 they follow all the rules and they ended up you know winning the tire award at the graduation we're being shortsighted we want to produce young men and women that love yish kite not just follow orders because eventually they're not going to want to follow orders it's not about following orders it's about living a life that's that's true and they should embrace that truth on their own power it was mentioned also is there a difference with regards to the raising of boys and girls in teenag years certainly there's a difference and obviously the challenges of of technology and the the issues of you know what of exposure that was also questioned about technology and phones that's for the teenagers there's always that shil of that question the parents ask what's the rule by the Shiva and Valley Stream Valley Torah um we yeah we we're we are not u a blackhe hat school so to speak um we're very we're very close I guess on the the girls level were close to a Bas Yakov maybe on on a certain certain out of town schools we would be called a Bas Yakov but we do our girls do have phones they have to give it in every day they get it for about 15 minutes but we're getting girls who from the schools that they come from they already come with with uh with with smartphones and the boys too uh 90 to 95% of our students when they have graduated from their elementary schools come to us already with phones so for us to say can't have a phone it it's it would not work in our community with our families it would not work but you educate them you talk about filtering you talk about you know tagging the phones and it's involves a lot of education and you know there are many places where uh kids and parents can learn about the dangers of of Technology there it's no secret it's what it's doing to our kids so this is where again discussion understanding uh setting the tone early not to allow they are fourth third fourth graders already with the phones and they're already playing on everything it's it's it's it's about parents taking responsibility because when they're not teenagers we could create a certain standard for them about what they're exposed to if we if we if we break down early and just you know give everything that they want then by the time they get to you know older years it's it's going to be very tough to pull back um and that's where issue of getting into good habits and uh good environments and creating proper standards is important the while we're creating the positive feelings about yish yes there has to be guidelines as well 100% Rabbi stulberger very very nice words of wisdom how about the situation with regards to teenagers and sleeping so well again this is where parenting has to come in a little bit um to allow a child unfettered access to technology in their rooms where there is not an understanding of when that technology stops um it's it's criminal I mean it's nothing short of being criminal but it happens I mean I I you know you come in I just I talk about all the time with the seeing K Bar we have 130 boys in the in the school but there's certainly a a not insignificant number but their heads down they're exhausted they can't they can't open up their eyes for noen or for Shear what happened and this is you know this is again not a Valor issue this is a across the board issue well I was on this and the games and the the technology and you know the the for night all these misham that they're involved with till four o'clock in the morning where are the parents saying not not on my watch no uh I'm still the parent and this is not going to take away their their feelings of Independence this is again these are all logical things that we can all understand and the early we start with these guidelines they they already understand you my parents of me they care about me kids do want structure they do want discipline U so we start early they they recognize uh it's not it's not just a you know Open Season to do whatever you want so yes it's getting getting enough sleep U Get closing that technology off at the right time is is a very critical thing and not having it in the room um basically unfettered for kids is is an absolute must but unfortunately many parents just they don't go there they don't they don't want to fight and therefore they just they let it go besides for the going to sleep aspect there's also the waking up aspect when there's no Yesa or even when there is Yeshiva it's that difficulty and uh it all depends one on the other I guess with regards to what time they go to sleep and what time they wake up this time no no question no question and and again you know for a child to have that excitement to want to be the minion where does that come from you know if if it's always about the rule the rule the rule okay no rules today I'm off today so I can sleep till 11:00 um if we we make it more about connecting to this is what this is what we as Jews do and this is something that how would you not want to grab the opportunity especially with the m our brothers and sisters need us and how could we not be there for them so we're going to sleep away while they're on the front lines facing all what they're facing it it's it's that sense of a that again to appeal not to the rules this is what you must do but this is what we should be doing this is what we need to do for the sake of our brothers and sisters St very very powerful words things that come out of the heart enter the heart we want to give a thank you to for suggesting that the joins the Torah talks podcast we have a minute a custom on Torah talks which is a final message to our BR audience well the message really is that while there are many many families that that are struggling with um I've heard the expression already 25 years ago uh you know the concept of AAS almost every family has the challenge of having a a child being you know moving away and not where they need to be and it's causing a tremendous amount of Anguish within clel to see that you know how many young men and women are are not being being part of the fold um I think there there is I think if especially if we adopt this concept of of loving the unconditional love um again Abu was told by Hashem take the son that you love and and answer back I don't know I don't know who I love more you want I have a measuring rod on my loins the med says that I should measure who I love more I have and I have I don't know who you mean I don't know who you mean how can you love like you love you know yeah the answer is we we do again we have it's hard it's it's it's challenging with said I love them both I don't know who you mean even though he had one who was aine and the other one was the is who we know we know his basic life till he did Chu at the very end of his life he was a he was not an easy Child by any any stretch so we have to love them and we have to recognize they could very come very easily come back don't give up hope don't don't be down try to create the environments up front earlier that we don't have the challenges but if we're going through it if we keep positive we keep the love we keep them connected that we have seen incredible young men and women growing up from homes that are not so strong and and they they go through their their teenage years they go through their you know their their periods of time where they not they might not be where they need to be but with the love and with the support they emerge to be incredible people we see it so often uh so you know my ultimate message is one of optimism that we're living in special times there a r out there in Isel where where Aus is is part of the overall atmosphere let's grab on to it let's let's take that positivity of what we're feeling of how we responded as a nation to this incredibly horrific uh event the horrific events of of to to respond with such strength and such and such of Love such love for one another let's manifest that love to our children our children should always see in our eyes I love you unconditional love I know you're going through stuff I know maybe not doing what I would want you to do but I still love you I'm I'm here for you when we can connect to them on that way not dismissing them disc scotting them or giving them a feeling of of terrible disappointment BM they will come back they will see the truth they will see that this is the most beautiful life that a person could possibly lead and will see from all of them Amber with those amazing amazing words of inspiration of of educating our children our boys our girls teenagers in particular uh thank you very much to uh Torah anytime for hosting this podcast along with all the other podcast players and a special thank you to daily giving a dollar day really goes a very very far away we see ourselves over here at kazak and want to thank the r ones again want to thank all those involved with kazak and everyone all of our dear audience we get tremendous amount of feedback and it means a lot to us actually to hear back from all the listeners and feel free to send an Emil to info.org info chq.org Tuesday nights 8:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time kazak T talk with special guest was a pleasure thank you very much and we should all be Redemption am