CHAZAQ's Torah Talks #124 Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox - Coping with Tragedy

what about a parent or an adult displaying their own reaction to their child should your child see you're scared should the child see that you're crying short answer is yes it's authentic if that's what you're feeling but with the caveat that a responsible adult does not become so theatrical or so dramatic that the child is fighting that there's something wrong with you and then begins to shut down and doesn't want to or anything else they have to be the focus they can't now feel the pressure that they've got to worry about you or take care of [Music] you and welcome to Torah talks kazak's Tuesday night program with special guest we have with us Rabbi Dr DAV Fox all the way from Los Angeles Rabbi barab sh how are you thank you it's uh a s leako it's a difficult time for all of us and definitely difficult times definitely difficult times for Amis for the Jewish people and that's exactly where we're going to be speaking about coping uh with tragedy and uh before we begin if we could get a little background of the rabbi and the great work you're involved with thank you again for the honor of being part of your very precious work uh High Lifeline for many years almost two decades has had a crisis trauma and bereavement department and the services the trauma crisis services are directed by me across the world and we have trained teams in major cities Europe North America Australia elsewhere who provide intervention service and crisis Management Services for the horrible range of trauma events that occur to individuals to families and communities uh my profession I'm a forensic and a clinical psychologist and I am also with Diana and arav and I'm very involved in shur Andor education amazing amazing Rabbi so uh as was mentioned as we all know we're we're going through very difficult times uh the tragedy that happened ER in Israel is is is heartbreaking what should our mindset be in this difficult time Rabbi such a significantly worded question what should our mindset be uh what I would counter is that healthy people have a mindset healthy healthy people healthy sensitive caring Jewish people are in tune with the fact that they do have a reaction it's not particularly common and it's not particularly normal to have no reaction at all Soo each of us wants to the time if we don't reflexively feel if we don't automatically have concerns and worries not instantaneously noticing that we're tense and that we have very very strong reactions to this if we don't immediately acknowledge what's going on inside of ourselves we need to take the time to let those thoughts those feelings those Sensations register so again what should the mindset be the mindset mindset should be how you're reacting to it and one should not suppress deny ignore or try to distract themselves from the fact that this is catastrophic there's Bloodshed there's atrocity there are Horrors that we thought ended about 70 years ago in the Jewish world but again each of us whether we're there or whether we're remote in we need to be clear that this is a deep wound to the entire Jewish Nation 100% Rabbi um messages we should be telling our Kinder our children what messages at these times of difficulty so let's start start with the realization that we first must be aware of and acknowledge and accept our own reactions we're no good to our children when they start voicing their own fears and their own reactions if we have turned off our own reactions so our first step as responsible parents and as teachers as adults is sure that we are in tune with ourselves and ideally that we have been able to turn to someone we trust who cares about us to begin expressing our worries our doubts our anger our sadness our fright all of the different things that go on inside of us we do need to take the time to process it with someone else we all need that at a time like this no one can get through this in a balanced way by remaining in solitude now once a person is able to acknowledge what she or what he is going through and may be feeling more able to manage it because they have the supportive response of their spouse or their close friend or their rebi or whomever they turn to then we can approach our children now let's go through some unfortunate realities first being that we can't keep the secret from our children because whether it's on the street or whether it's on the playground or the classroom whether it's because they access the same media that we do whether it's radio television newspaper magazine or internet but if our children have access to this information they know it already and they may know more than we think they do and they may have already unfortunately been scarred by flooding their young brains with Grizzly images which are very difficult to erase so let's walk in with both eyes open as parents as adults that it's not what we tell our children but it's really how can we find out what they already know what they're already assuming and how it's affecting them even in let's say theor theic schools children are not thoroughly insulated from the outside and from the media so the way that we approach a child is not to interrogate them and not to blood them with questions but really to preemptively say uh you know and I know that there is a war going on in anches fil there's fighting going on at pH we need to talk about it as your father as your mother as your we need to talk about it let's begin with what you've heard and again not by interrogating the child only just prompting them to share and they may tell you explicitly they may be more cautious and what they disclose but our goal as parents with our own children is to prompt them to share what they've heard and then to give them the incentive to look together with us at how it's affecting them meaning let that child talk about what are the thoughts that she or he is having since they are they having image flashbacks because because they saw footage they saw video clips they saw Tik Tock or Instagram which Isel are telling us not to have access to right now we need to realize that part of the terrorism the calculated terrorism from our enemies is to do exactly that the terrorism of the Mind by exposing Jewish people to what they're doing to other Jews so we need to find out what's going on in the minds of our children and prump them let's talk about how that feels it's normal we tell them it's normal to be sad and it's normal to be scared at a time like this and virtually any reaction that your child is going to share with you rest assured it's going to be a normal reaction it's a very minor percentage of children or adults who go into an abnormal psychological place when they hear horrible news most of them are having reactions and they may be wary about sharing them but that's exactly what we want to prompt them to do so when your child says I'm frightened your child says I'm scared if your child says I'm angry your child says I'm confused or your child even maybe a teenager speaks more existentially like like how could Hashem do this or how can I believe if this is what happens to good people so whatever virtually anything that your child whether they're young or whether their teens are almost adults when they express things so accept it don't criticize it don't judge them don't or try to cheer them up don't try to convince them they shouldn't think they think they shouldn't feel what they feel but you listen and you accept and you validate it because they've shared their truth of the moment they've shared the reality with you even if what they say is not what you expected them to say even if you thought they would be reacting differently but if a child is able to say I'm scared I'm frightened I don't want to go to school I don't want to go out of the house or I can't stop crying but I don't want to cry in front of my friends so I I want to stay in my room or the child has a physical reaction which means I can't eat I can't sleep or all I want to do is sleep I don't feel good or the child has a behavioral reaction which means they're more irritable just like we adults or they get socially withdrawn or they don't want to be engaged in things that they normally enjoy doing again thought emotion physical sensation behavior and also spiritual if that's what is percolating in your older child that how can I DAV right now or the child says I need to Davin a lot harder I need to doin a lot more I can't ever speak Lan hor again and the child starts making also sorts of calot no as tell us and they're accepting all sorts of stes whatever they say hear it accept it validate it and let them know that at a frightening time like this of course you're feeling the Fright or if they say it they're sad you say to them this is a very very sad time for us and yes you're you're having some of that sadness this is how we validate the child says I'm enraged I want to go straight back at them and they start telling you the fantasies of what should be happening to our enemy rather than say well that's not the Jewish way or that's the moral this is not the time to reason with them except if this is what they're going through that that's what they're going through now once you built up that trust with your child that they know they can share with you their reaction and that you're receptive and you're not criticizing them and you're not upset with them and that you're not telling them well look you don't it's not like that you should look at it differently when you're not doing any of that moralizing with them or plating them or minimization of the reaction so this is when we talk with the children in a more encouraging way let's talk to what is our role right now let's take a look at some of the things that we as a family might want to be doing differently or working harder at some of the things that we might want to be avoiding at a time like this and you collaborate with a child at an age appropriate level children who are eight and above they're usually delighted to look at something they can do so they feel they're helping in some way you know last Thursday night I had the the great honor to share a Podium with rebellia Britney the rash Shiva of Mir um and among the many astoundingly insightful messages he gave he told that when it came time in for MOS to select soldiers in the midbar so the expression is now usually when we have a redundancy in auk it's just for emphasis like M so he brought a that a thousand per tribe a thousand per tribe means a thousand Warriors and a thousand to pray for them Warriors elate and an elate and and we we tell our children we right now we want to find out how can we be the how can be is we're not going to put on a uniform we're not going to get a rifle or a hand grenade but what can we do and and I think what's usually helpful for young people is instead of taking on a grandiose cabala you know that I'll never ever speak lash and horor again or I'm going to say Olive toim every day even though these might be very very spiritually boosting behaviors generally what we tell the children is let's find something Tim limited on as a trial to see how you do with it let's let's take on something that's doable so that you actually can accomplish it than after a day or two feeling it's so burdensome then you feel guilty that you neglected it so make sure it's doable and Tim limited and tell a child at their age level that's something you personally will find meaningful meaning that it has value to you as a child as a girl as a boy that will augment your virtue which means you'll feel that you're a better person because of it and that you see that it's accomplishing something towards that goal of boosting of exercises Fai Ines at a time like this this is where we get that protective sense that KES who is very close to us at this time so these are the types of discussions we have our children uh I want to add I don't want to Daran I don't want to let no no please please very insightful very important messages of how to give this information and how to receive the information from the children please add thank you so question off um what about a parent or an adult displaying their own reaction to their child should your child see your scared should the child see that you're crying should the child see that you also have some some confusion or some numbness so the shorter answer short answer is yes it's authentic if that's what you're feeling to show your child that you too are affected by the frightening saddening news but with the caveat that a responsible adult does not become so theatrical or so dramatic that the child is fighting that there's something wrong with you and then begins to shut down and doesn't want to share anything else so you can be real with your child but they have to be the focus they can't now feel the pressure that they got to worry about you or take care of you so in a certain sense we are too cabaro our insides are visible and audible to other people but not to the degree that we have lost our role as the model and the mentor for that child they still need to see that we're coping at an adult level uh I'm going to just add two more things for now the first is let's remember that at a time like this every Jewish parent has a mission your mission is to be an exemplary model to your child on how a Jewish person with yat Shay faces adversity you model that for your child you talk about our kot we talk about our responsibilities to keep the faith and not lose the faith my second message is a product of the first what we find in mental health is that in order to promote our children's stability and what I call their mental hygiene that's a term that I introduced on a prior kazak talk that we had when we were talking lenu about suicide but mental hygiene means the protective measures that we all need to take to maintain stability to maintain our sense of security and our Wellness so that's mental hygiene I always say it's like pure well for the brain it's the stuff that keeps the bad stuff away so our mental hygiene means that as soon as we can we and our children even during an eight SAR we return to our routine which means the things we've always do we go back to doing them we return to our schedule which means the things we've always done we do them at the time that we've always done them so that means if bedtime was 9:00 for your child get them to bed by night and if waking up was at 7 o'clock they get up at 7 o'clock and Meal Time and school time and work time and homework time Play Time socialization time all the things that they to haveen the routine they get back into that rambam speaks about this about the beauty of being able to hear adhere to a routine because it's stabilizing it's the things that we do behaviorally on the outside they actually shape how we feel inside so routine is essential following schedule is essential and structure RSS routine schedule structure and the structure part means that all people children teams adults that throughout our waking hours we make time to eat we don't give up food no matter how we're not feeling an appetite because of our fear and our anxiety we eat we drink water it's important we don't overindulge in addictive things whether it's caffeine or alcohol we're very careful at a time like this our body needs to be maximally functional we get our sleep we do our hard work whether it's going to your job or whether it's La going to co or going to yiva but we do our hard work the brain needs to remain activated the brain can't be left shallow because although I'm going to make an exaggerated remark because I'll say that an idle mind is an arena for Decay and we don't want to do the this to ourselves or our kids we've got to involve selves and children with their social lives don't shun your friends right now get together with people we need time for family families need to bond and what I'm recommending is meal time in the home don't talk about the tragedy or n just real don't talk about the news don't talk about politics don't talk about money don't talk about sickness death don't talk about work even school work and don't talk about other people meal time right now needs to be both we're together we have things we are grateful for as a family we have nice experiences during the day and we want to look at them we want to express our gratitude we want to look at a situation we observed which was inspirational for us a spiritually uplifting moment a realization when we were saying toim but but that is very much part of our structure meal time is cohesive bonding time all of us children included we need downtime every day you need time to yourself where you don't don't have to be doing anything other than just sorting through what's going on inside even children and then lastly um I shouldn't say lastly I've got one other but but second to lastly we need creative activity which means we need a creative act Outlet whether that's reading whether that's drawing whether that's painting whether that's music but we need something to stimulate the other part of our brain because stimulating the more creative part of the brain actually will help improve and broaden a person's positive outlook so that's very very important and then now lastly we've got to engage in something spiritual children and adults our must be our learning Torah must be learning Torah the Casual discussions we have can be MIM Mas something at an age appropriate level so that children really feel we are doing our El Mate work that our armamentarium our Heavy Artillery we are outfitted by doing what Hashem wants us to do because a lot of these Kim right now they can't be doing a lot of those holy activities and we pick up the burden for them so our spirituality at a time like this is important and and talk with your family about B talk about faith talk about what we believe and how we can strengthen our Bel very very very very inspiring Rabbi Dr doid Fox uh very powerful inspiring and uh onp Point messages um many people are asking that you know I'm not in I'm not in Israel I'm not a soldier uh I'm not able to do you know get help out but like the rabbi mentioned everybody could do their part wherever you are in the world extra more prayer more learning more whatever we could do to increase uh that'll be very very helpful Tom so Rabbi we have a custom we have Torah Talk t talks a final message for our broad audience Rabbi yeah so thank you we have to Echo the many perceptive and profound words of Nan Nai tells us that we have which means a pledge from above but also an internalized conviction that when there is eight SAR rako that when there is a dismal time for the Jewish nation that that we fully trust that Hashem will take us through this kazal don't tell us Gamu to that everything bad is really good they don't say but they say and Li of it that we fully accept that this is going to be a predicament that Hashem has already begun helping us emerge from we know gumar in shat says that one of the questions we will have to answer in B Mala is Yeshua this is one of the first questions that we're going to be interrogated about in that TI Yeshua did you anticipate did you look forward to the Salvation and the Gula some of the roning B to ask if this is such a significant responsibility if this is such a serious thing that I'm G to have to defend whether or not I was mitel Yeshua then how come it's not in tagit vot if it's so important how come no one ever told me in the Torah that I have an obligation responsibility to start preparing this yesu so one of the Bas SM from one of he answers it in his and he says that really this is one of the tag MIT it's the Mitzvah of meaning starts by saying remember I'm the one who put you in thean and I took you out of it and that becomes our Paradigm that in each gute each moment of s the that emphatic statement I am the one this is hasem telling us you can count on this you can be MIT Yeshua I put you in MIT with the plan to get you out I put you in the Inquisition I put you inban habat I put you in the PES I put you in the holocost meaning this was something that was pre-ordained for reasons which are Beyond us but I also had the remedy on hand and and this is C Yeshua that that let's not lose sight of the fact every Jewish person knows the Ten Commandments we know they begin with I am the Lord your God who took you out of the land of Egypt and within that Mitzvah is the powerful conviction that whatever goes on it's time limited and he will be our mosia he with his help alone in Odo he will take us from this and we teach this to our children and we teach this to our spouses and we teach us to our students and more importantly we believe it ourselves very very powerful Rabbi Dr D Fox very inspiring messages to point we really appreciate everything that the rabbi does for qualities of the Jewish people we shall only share in in all happy occasions for now we should only hear good news we want to remind everyone every single Tuesday night 8:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time kak Tor talks with special guests tonight we have with us RAB Dr David DAV Fox uh and coping with difficulties and challenges and uh we H thank all of our podcast players and Tor time and daily giving a dollar day goes a very far away and uh for future uh guests in programming please reach out to kazak chq.org info k.org and uh we should only hear good news and I want to thank Rabbi for for joining us thank you thank you PR much we will he br