CHAZAQ Event on "Making Marriage Special" with R' Paysach Krohn along with his son R' Eliezer Krohn!

the says that a person's his family lineage is just like an umbrella it only helps a person if they stay underneath it so the truth is it's really a big very big for me a big honor for me to be able to share the podium with my great father to introduce my father and it's extra special to introduce my father with the topic of Shalom BAS I'm sure my father will say some personal stories that happened in the house some of which some of which I witnessed I'm sure and all stories that you will be able to grow from but one thing that my father has said many many times he may even say it tonight perhaps is that the word team is spelled te e a m and it stands for together everyone accomplishes more and that is really really what a marriage is all about a marriage is a partnership it's just like a Business Partnership two people go into it together and my father is quite famous as rabv mentioned my father was world-renowned and a lot of what my father has accomplished with that my father has accomplished for cl is with the books and the speeches and the Brisa my father is really a very very busy man and my father really needs five full-time secretaries but the truth of the matter is that my father only has one full-time secretary and that is my mother so I just want to acknowledge her presence and as they approach their 45th anniversary coming up bezem do you know that seems like uh five that's right when we talk about the topic of Shalom bias of making marriage special there's really a lot at stake besides the marriage itself but a lot of the of the children in the family has a lot to do directly with the Shalom bias the peace and the Harmony in the house the children need to see a wholesome family a wholesome marriage the house needs to be a place that it's pleasurable to be in family vacations with with the kids fighting in the back seat that's normal that's the way it's supposed to be family vacations just the parents the parents with the children and I together with my four wonderful older siblings saw just that a marriage that was and is a partnership working together when you have a Business Partnership if everybody is in if each of the partners are in for their own benefit what's in it for them what good can they personally take out of it then that's not a recipe for Success it needs to be a team effort and my wife and I should mention acknowledge my wife's presence as well a topa shom bias my wife and I deal a lot inim in trying to to set young boys and girls together to get married and we one time got a phone call a friend of mine called me to find out some research into a girl this girl is a very good friend of my wife's and the the boy asked me can you tell me a little bit about her so I said I don't really know the girl very well my wife knows her much more than I do is it okay if you just speak to my wife directly so he said yeah sure not a problem I'll speak to your wife so I hand the phone to my wife and my wife said say you want to know about this and this girl she's a very good friend of mine ask me whatever you want I'll tell you anything so he said okay um what does she look like so my wife and I give my wife a lot of credit my wife said that's the first question you ask so he's a smart guy so he said no I usually forget to ask that all together so I just wanted to ask that first just to to get it out of the way but if a person is in it just for their own pleasure and for their own benefit and what's in it for them then it's not going to work and they say a story about a b a boy one time came to his rash and he was complaining he was having a hard time in sh getting married and then he said you know he said to his Reb you know maybe I shouldn't complain because we know is like right the G in the beginning of sat I'm sure perhaps it's aor my father will quote that getting married is hard like yamu so the rashash told the boy it's hard like K yamu cuz you are looking for the B you're looking for The Spoils of the sea so then yes it is considered hard but during the first year of marriage the first year of marriage is called sh and everything almost always is just beautiful it's just great it's smooth sailing and a lot of people don't realize that the term sha that concept is a term found in the Torah in the tells us that if the soldiers are going out to battle to war and a man is in the first year of marriage he's supposed to go home and he's supposed to be with his wife so I want to a terrible joke that because if a person wants to be able to fight in battle first he has to be married for a year before he knows how to fight but that's not I'm not going to say that joke because this is shom bias so it's the PK tells us that you're supposed to make your wife happy and that's person person's not supposed to be out of the house as much during the first year they're supposed to stay home and make their wife happy I once heard that if you see a husband walking opening up a door the car door for his wife then you could tell it's either a new wife or a new car the first year everything is beautiful but then it's normal if you spend enough time with somebody eventually it's going to happen it's just automatic it's going to happen that there's going to be some conflict there's going to be some disagreement some arguments and that's 100% normal if two people have a relationship 247 it's going to happen not getting into any arguments and not getting into any fights and no conflicts whatsoever that's not possible that's not the end all that's not exactly that's not the limit of what Shalom bias is I know somebody that got divorced after 15 years of marriage and he said he Den not get into one fight with his wife not one what's theot what's what's the logic in that because they didn't have a relationship they just went on their own two paths and that's not marriage that's not a team that's not a partnership two people happen to be living in the same house he made kdes for his wife for sure and they in the same house but that's not a relationship definitely to minimize the arguments of course all these things that normal to try to minimize and how to be M and how to work things out to give in that of course is a very large part of Shalom bayas but that's not the ultimate the ultimate is to have respect for each other to believe in one another to come to discussions and decisions one with another and RAB salant would say that when he first got married he made up with his wife they decided when they got married that any decision in the house that would be a physical decision a decision in gmas then his wife would be the one to decide and if it was something a discussion in Ras it was a spiritual matter then R he would make the decisions in the house and they they made up that that would be the idea and they figured then there will be no arguments he said he joked that for the next 50 years they always had to have a discussion with each decision was that a gash decision or was that a Rus decision and the and the truth is it's really true where do you want to go on vacation is that a gmas is that a is that a physical decision you know is that a discussion you should would go here should would go there what's more fun or is that something spiritual are you going to go somewhere where there's a Manan where there's going to be a place to DAV is it so proper to go to certain places especially perhaps in the summer time all decisions can be looked at in Rus and it could be looked at in gmas my father always says many times what's hanging up on the walls in your house when you come home what's hanging on the refrigerator what's hanging up on the walls what type of pictures do you have in the on the wall in the house is that a physical thing to decide yeah how does the house look what type of paintings what type of wallpaper I could understand that that's something physical but on the other hand how many pictures of the gdolim do we have on the walls or do we have just paintings do we have pictures of the children on the wall it's definitely allowed you supposed to it's beautiful you should have pictures of the children but how much are the pictures of the gim in The Way Way Back where nobody can see them everything in marriage can be something gash and it could be something R and that's a discussion that people need to come to decide together and people could have difference of opinions that's not the ultimate that's not the only thing that Shalom bayas is about and just to end off with one story that I that someone one time told me and then will have for my father this person told me he was once at a wedding you heard this from me recently the person went to a wedding and he's an orthodox Jew but there was a reformed Rabbi that was conducting the services by the wedding and it was a man but there was a reform Rabbi conducting the services and he got up underneath theah underneath the wedding canopy and he was about to speak and this person told me he's thinking I have to listen to this you know reformed Rabbi speak underneath underneath the what what's he going to say already so the reformed Rabbi gets up and he says do you know why we break the glass underneath the wedding canopy and this person told me that you know maybe he spoke too soon he the this Rabbi is's going to talk about about theban about the destruction of the temple you know maybe he's going to talk about something you know proper so the rabbi said you know why we break the glass underneath the because we want the marriage to be a mashing success so my braa to all of you to all of us is that all of your marriages should be a smashing success and here to tell you how to do that is my wonderful father [Applause] Sita that's what life is all about having a son like this that's what's true he here's your notes oh that's not your notes it's a great to have been invited by Yaniv I've had the opportunity many many times to speak for kazak every single time I come here I am more amazed at the dedication and the amount of programs that go on the Queen Center Queen Jewish Community Council Queen's Jewish Community Council is also so wonderful I always say that Queens is the greatest area in the world we all get together ashim everybody Lish it's just so beautiful to live in this wonderful neighborhood and besides everything else Torah anytime.com that's going to have this video on is something that literally teaches toyra 247 really because when it's shabas here it's m shabas in Australia and uh wherever I go in the world seriously whether it's Chile in Australia and Switzerland Earth Isel people tell me hey I recognize you're from Tor anytime.com so that's also one of the great organizations and I'm proud to be here tonight of course I've been in introduced by my dear son is very very special and I hope that we'll be able to be inspired together there's a wonderful safer that was once printed by Art scroll it's my second favorite safer from artscroll the first ones are of course the maget books but after that there's a one F book I can't encourage you enough to get it because on every single page you will learn something and it's called the wisdom of the Hebrew alphabet and it's written by Rabel AR monk now the alphabet the Jewish alphabet is 22 letters but yet there is so much significance not only to the shape of the letters the olive Bays the gimmel the doid why it looks the way it looks the numerical values and on every page you will learn something something about the letters of the Jewish alphabet and when you come to the letter s it's very interesting R monk writes that the tells us when hasem created thek tells us in b b he took from one of the sides of and he filled in flesh okay he filled in flesh to where he took some of the side ofam and that's how he created so the medish tells us something fascinating from the beginning of the word bous in the beginning of the T until this word v that Hashem took from one of the sides and he filled in flesh a this is the first time by any living creature that we have the letter Sak Not By the birds not by the animals not by the insects only by human beings so R monk writes why is the Sak appearing only first by human beings because he says that's what marriage is all about sah is a perfectly inclosed letter every other letter has an opening the me the the me sop is not one of the 22 letters so the Sak is completely encircled completely enclosed and he says that's what marriage is supposed to be protection completely enwrapped in each other and I'll tell you something very interesting to me marriage is a b c a feeling of accomplishment building a family and having contentment that's what marriage is all about that's what the samak represents that complete Total Protection as we will see in a moment do you know the famous PK when says to the is lonely that's he says I will make an AER a helpmate you know if you look in tarum you know what tarum says I'm going to make him a Sam the literal meaning of the word is a support but it's interesting that's that round Sak now I don't know how it works by marriages does the col walk around the no doesn't but the PK tells us and certainly that's how the Asam do it the woman walks around she makes like a circle like a perfect s around the husband but even by Safar right you give a round ring right to the kala so right after she makes a s around him he gives her a perfectly round ring which looks like the S and now watch this you won't believe it that my M Freddy feifer he told me that his father Dr Julius Fifer once said an amazing thing the words AER equal exactly 360 360 degrees is a perfect circle so all of a sudden we say wait a second this idea of the Sak is just not coincidental there is a great sign ific an the Sak is playing a very important role because the Sak is perfectly round is protected she walks around him to show she'll protect him he gives her the perfect ring he's going to protect her and that's however we have seen every one of us has seen hopefully not in our immediate families but we know how many in claw Israel that they've been cracks in this circle and sometimes because of conflict risk and dissension this perfect circle not only has cracks but eventually NE it crumbles and the circle falls apart and the people are no longer living together why all the time it's the same thing because of conflict Rift and dissension and as my dear son said it's impossible in a marriage that there should not be some level of conflict Rift and dissension but we are going to learn now now something that is so incredible we are going to lift up the window shades and we will see what the Tyra allowed us to see about the marriage of AR and SAR conflict Rift and dissension Y and Rifka conflict Rift and Ascension and Yakov and Rael conflict Rift and Ascension but before I show you these three things I want you to know that they were the greatest Jews that ever Liv lived and their marriages were so holy and our petty arguments don't come at all to their discussions as we will see in a moment but I feel that if the toyra allowed us to see certain levels of conflict by the A and the emo it's teaching us that that's part of marriage and you have to be able to get through it and as my son said you work it through but it's not the end of the world when there's some level of conflict Rift and descent so let's watch now what happens with and S imagine and this happens every day it happens in All Families many families wonderful families there's a boy that's going off to Der and he's a kid at risk and there's other kids in the house and what do you do with this kid who's doing drugs who's doing terrible things do you keep him in the house is he going to be a bad influence or is there unconditional love and you tell a child he can stay stay here and that's what happened with ar and Sarah they had a kid at risk his name was Ismael and Sarah says get him out of here I don't want him you got to get him out of the house send him out of the house because he's gonna have a bad influence on Y and says no let me have him here I will be able to take care of him I will change him with unconditional love I'll be able to change him now what do you do here AB says one thing Sarah says another thing Hashem decides the Tells USS don't be distressed in your eyes Al because of this little boy and his mother your maid servant call you got to listen to your wife you got to get rid of that kid you can't have him in your house anymore is supposed to be the future patriarch of clel we can't have a child like is in this house and Rashi says listen to this she tells us a was inferior in Prophecy than sah his wife was greater than he was in Prophecy and if she says get rid of the kid you got to listen to her imagine a father and mother a husband and a wife what do you do with the kid that's very painful discussion very painful each one feels very strongly and Hashem says you know something you got to listen to S watch this aam gets the news right that that s is gonna have a baby she can't believe it she how's she gonna have a baby she's so old already s laughs and she says after my age my husband is old it's not gonna happen he's over the hill this is not happening he is not going to be able to have a child we're not having a child now Hashem was upset that sah laughed but watch this you won't believe item says how could s laugh and she says why did s and she said I'm old I'm not GNA have a child hey that's not what she said she didn't say that she's old she's not going to have a child she said my husband is over the hill my husband he's not going to have the child why did Hashem change the language listen to what Rashi says Rashi says had to change really what she said because they could have been a la of shom could you believe that the t is telling us that between and S they could have been a Shalom Bas problem because she said he's too old Hashem didn't want to quote what she said because you know then he'll be insulted they could be a shom bias problem okay thanks that's a good idea thanks so therefore Hashem changed the words why because because of a problem of Shalom bias but we see of course they carried everything through and ab and S lived you know their full life together because they were able to overcome the conflict Rift and dissension that they had now let's watch something you won't believe about Y and Rifka and the writes this let's take a look at B loved so the ask a question that we all ask y was blind he didn't see what was going on he didn't see that asov was a Russia why didn't Rifka say my dear husband I love you but I just want to tell you thank you so much I love you but you don't know the truth because you're blind you can't really see what's going on why didn't she say that it's not your fault y you're blind and therefore you don't know what the truth is but she never said that to him and you know what the N says because she couldn't she didn't have a regular relationship as an regular husband and wife have with each other why how does he know this because like this as soon as Rifka remember Rifka El is coming and now he's bringing RKA lifts up her eyes she sees oh my gosh he's a bigadic she falls off the camel she falls off the C guy's such a big Sonic imagine if in his life walked in over here we'd all we'd all fall off our CH we wouldn't believe it he's coming in to see us so she was in awe of him now what happens she says to who is this man what he's coming towards us and says listen who that's the one you're going to marry that's the master oh she can't believe she can't even look at it she takes the veil and she covers she can't even look at him he's so holy so now the says something that if I didn't see it in the I would never have the courage to say it take a look she did not have a relationship with like when they had something to say against their husband they said it directly they didn't hold back to say but she was in awe of him that's not a normal relationship when a wife is so in awe of a husband of course a wife has to look up to a husband but she should be so in awe that she can't say something when she has something like a complaint or she wants to tell them Hey listen unfortunately you don't know what the truth is so here this was not a normal relationship to is telling us between Y and RKA and she was afraid to tell him what the truth was because she couldn't talk to him in that way so again over here we see a certain level of a lack of communication why is the tah telling us this and now watch what the tah tells us about yov and Ro right roel says to Yakov give me children I want to have children it's the worst thing in the world for a woman not to have children when she's married so yakob said what do you want from me I have children with Leia and with billah and Zila you know what am I a God I'm not God could give you children I'm the one who held back children from you Hashem is holding back don't talk to me talk to says tells us that's how you talk to somebody's a pain what are you doing how could you talk like that to it's a woman in terrible pain you don't say don't talk to me talk to hem where's the compassion wi the pain and the med tells us that Yakov NE was punished because of that him and his children because of the way he spoke why is the Torah telling us this it's almost so embarrassing ab and sah what's going on here oh you know why because the t is trying to teach us a great lesson you know what the answer is because that's what Hashem said I'll and then they become one and that when man and woman are AER K AER means a helpmate k means opposing the ideal situation is that they are aser they're constantly helping each other but K opposite opposing is also part of marriage means I'm going to make a helpmate alongside him but sometimes there'll be arguments it's normal it's normal for and and and and sah or y and yob and Ro to have certain conversations that doesn't make it like it looks like this the ideal marriage cuz that's part of what marriage is all about and what we have to make sure is that in our marriage that it's more AER than K and as my dear son said it's impossible after the second year of marriage after the third year of marriage there's always going to be certain conflicts and that's acceptable there's an AER and there's Ki but we hope that there'll always be more AER than there is Ki so I have a friend he's a good friend of mine he's a marriage counselor but that's not the reason why he's my friend but he once said the most important thing his name is Carrie fredman Rabbi aam perit fredman and he want wrote a wonderful book on marriage it's called a table for two you should get it before Kaneka either for you or for your spouse and you know what he says in there you know what the most important thing in marriage is not finding the right partner but being being the right partner that's what marriage is all about not finding the right partner but being the right partner cuz I believe marriage is a challenge but the rewards can be glorious Hashem gives each and every one of us an opportunity to find our potential best friend a special mate and hopefully a delightful partner for life so how we're going to do that so here's the first lesson and it's a wonderful gamor the gamar is enti and the tells us that was once walking with ra and he sees two people you see those two guys they're going straight to ganen he said what the big sikim like what are they so special he says they're going straight and afteri leaves this man goes over to these two people he says what are you guys here so special you're going straight to Gan listen to what they said they said we are happy people we make those that are sad we make them happy imagine if you have the capacity to make somebody happy a lot of people walk around today very depressed because there's a lot of challenges in life and you go over you put your arm around someone you say you know something you can make it you're going to do it hashm will be with you I'll be with you you make the person who said happy you got a straight ticket to the so now listen to what the writes one of the greatest fared commentaries Onish and he writes this in Z he said what did these two people say to Raa they didn't just say they make people happy they said in we are happy people oh then then we can make others happy the first lesson in marriage is you got to be a happy person if you're happy you're going to be able to make other people happy but if you're a neag and you're negative and you're always looking at what's bad you will never make your spouse happy you will never never make your kids happy and that's what he says comes to teach us you want to make your spouse happy want to make your kids happy want to make your co-workers happy you got to be happy if they would have been depressed people even if they wanted to make somebody else happy they'll never do it you know how you have a happy marriage you got to be happy you got to learn how to be happy read books on happiness learn what to means to smile learn to look for the positive and then you're going to make your spouse happy don't expect it to come only from your spouse it comes from you marriage is not only finding the right partner but marriage is being the right partner as a matter of fact I once saw a great expression a smile is a little curve that sets a lot of things straight smile is a little curve that sets a lot of things straight you know what R salant once said your face is a in public domain what does that mean how many times do you see your face today four times five times every time you walk by a mirror right but the whole world sees your face so RAB salant was once El guys walking in the street look at so said so said what's wrong he said it's rebi it's El I'm doing chuva he said cuz you're doing Chua I got to suffer right what kind of answer is that nobody wants to see a Sour Puss nobody wants to be a sour face so a person has to have a smile on his face and when you have a smile and your eyes shine everybody wants to be around you but if you're always walking around negative nobody wants to be around you you know I have a a rebi those of you who know me know that my rees's up D Cohen and to me he's my connection to Har I can ask him anything he knows everything call a terraa so many many people call him when they have marriage problems he's not a marriage counselor he'll listen to them once or twice but then he'll send them you know to a professional therapist so one day I come into to ldid and I see he's upset a little bit I said is everything okay he says I think I pusin wrong last night now he never tells me that I said what happened he said you know there was a couple who came in and they were having problems and I saw the husband that was so depressed it was so negative so i p and I said to I give you a when you come in the first thing you got to do is tell your wife a joke I said what's wrong with that he said that guy is such a depressive guy I should have told him to tell three jokes cuz the first two wouldn't be funny so I want to tell you something again a different marriage therapist ABA Goldman I don't know why all my friends are marriage therapists but anyway but he said something very interesting and he said like this Hashem says to Ken after Cen was so sad you know because Hashem sent them out of Ganan he says Cen you know get a life you could smile you improve yourself you'll be forgiven if not sin rest at the door that's B so ABA Goldman says to all all couples as soon as you walk into the house you haven't seen your wife a whole day or your husband comes in you haven't seen him a whole day the first thing should be positive because otherwise sin rests at the door when you walk into your house so let's say the husband walks in he says the first thing you should say ah the kitchen smells so great oh I heard somebody got engaged today oh I learned that I heard a great Sher today or I made a great business deal something positive then he could say he just got fired right but he doesn't walk into the house saying he just got fired now the wife she sees a husband she hasn't seen him a whole day she should say oh I heard great news in Israel today oh the kids did something great the principal called oh my mother called she decided not to come you know something that's going to bring a smile to his face and then you can say the kids are getting expelled but rates and I'm telling you I try to do this you come into the house you know you've been stressed out a lot of different things have happened whatever you know they called you for the bris and really was a girl no no that doesn't happen but you know things can happen right anything can happen but that's not when you walk into the house you don't start out with the bad news you always start out with something positive and then later on you'll tell all the things that happen the kids are hanging from the ceiling or whatever sin rest at the door the first thing and the truth is with kids also you see your kids tonight and they're up late you know get home 11:00 first thing don't say oh you're not going to get him in time for school today tomorrow morning don't say the negative you walk in you know we heard such a great share from RAB Al a crown tonight and uh you know how come you're not sleeping but you don't start out with a negative it's a second lesson in marriage first one you always got to be happy and the second thing is that when you walk into the house you have to say something positive now you know as my son said in the beginning when and kala are first engaged married they believe there has never ever since Shas has been a couple that's exactly like them they are so alike is just unbelievable I have had again I'm not a marriage counselor but you know you hear people come to say could you imagine how alike we are we both want to live in a Israel another one said to me you know on the way home from Yeshiva when I was learning in Israel I didn't come straight back home I went to Switzerland I love the mountains and when I was going out with this girl you can't believe it she told me she also went to this Swiss mountains could you believe that do you know that one girl actually told me we both use Crest with to of control T of protection could you imagine now is that not a sh made in heaven it's unbelievable she actually said that later I'll tell you who okay but here's the best of all this is the best of all one guy told me it's Friday kid I love the kid he married an ashkanazi girl but he said when he was going out he knew this was was the right one when she said she loves Rabbi Cron's tapes that's it you know it was a day of tapes before CDs right so yeah right so now you will never believe what this kid did now I'm he's a future God lador I'm telling you he's brilliant he's an anti the whole CL is going to hear from him it's only a matter of time I can't tell you his last name I'll tell you his first name Yeshua so listen to what the guy does right this on the fourth date right and she already told him she loves Ricon stes so you know on every date you know there's some quiet times he puts in one of my tapes and you know I'm in the middle of a story and what he did was that he erased part of the tape right so she's listen and he dubbed in something else so now they're running on the highway right and I'm in the middle of a story and then all of a sudden she hears Sarah aren't you going to marry Yeshua he's the greatest guy and you're sitting right next to them she like almost fell out of the car she couldn't believe it what I said that and then he realized you know that he said it and of course they got engaged and they're married and they're very happily married but you know what happens after a few months of marriage she realizes Rabbi mansur also has tapes you know Rabbi friend also has tapes it's not only Rabbi cron out there and all of a sudden all of a sudden after a few months of marriage they realize you know she's a day person he's a night person you know he was learning in the Yeshiva so by the time he came home at 10:30 at night that's when the night begins and she's already in bed at 10:30 I got to get a I'm supporting you I can't gu start talking you know at 11:00 at night you know till 1 but that's what he did in Yeshiva you know the questions that people ask when about guys and girls going out it's unbelievable it's unbelievable I was in a house last week in M for sh you wouldn't believe I I couldn't believe this question this lady told me that they asked the family do they stack the dishes when they take them off at the table or they take them off one by one I said what's the right answer to that question I don't know what's the right answer to that question it's unbelievable but you know what they never ask this question and this is so important is he or she neat you know there's some girls I don't want to say well maybe I'll say there're such slobs it's unbelievable right and and you come into the house and the house is a kban I remember you know we're both MIM so we go visit the baby today after so I come to the house one time the bris wasn't sure so I hadn't seen you know the house the house is a Total Wreck there's laundry all over there's clothes all over the boxes are open it's a mess and she's embarrassed she says Rabbi Chrome I just had a baby so I was going to say to her ma'am you couldn't stack this stuff for six months you know and look at this stuff here you couldn't it take six months to pack all this stuff up it's impossible what do you mean just had a baby there not an answer one house has to be aan but nobody's going to ask is she neat why because this is how her mother raised her her mother knew that she was threw all the clothes on the floor and she said just close the door so anybody comes into the house won't see it that's that's why you have a house do you know I'm telling you I can't say where this guy is from you'll never find him anyway but I'm just telling you do you know that this guy one of the main reasons he got divorced was because he said his wife would not fold laundry she know she grew up she didn't fold laundry just dumped everything you know in in the closet or whatever in the drawers and it was laying all over the place he couldn't take it anymore I'm sure there were 20 other things also but that was the thing that he told me but nobody ever asks you know is the neat how about these guys that are Spenders you know you never ask the guy guy spends he comes on for sure he goes on and buys the Danish she's going crazy I'm working to make every single penny and you go and buying danishes you know nobody asked these questions is he a spender is he neat you know they want to know uh if the grandparents were buried together you know in Europe you know something this question was once asked and you know what they answered the answer the greatest answer and of course they didn't do the sh said yeah my grandparents were buried in a pit together in alwz that's the right answer to for such a ridiculous question want to know how from they are do they buried next together or they on the other side of the cemetery kind of dumb question is that as far as sh is concerned you won't believe this my son knows that it's true a shabas I once got a call and they wanted to know this guy who my daughter is going to go out with does he wear shoes with shoelaces or does he wear loafers I was trying to think what kind of question is that so I went to the see it was right before shabas onab so I started telling the guys come on let's figure out what what's the question here what are they asking oh maybe he's such a mmid that he doesn't even want to waste time shoelaces so only if he wears loafers that shows that every second counts he doesn't want to waste time and another guy said no you know she wanted to know if he's so mtic in tying the right shw first or the left Chee first you know see or or does he he just wears loafers so he doesn't have to worry about that Mitzvah kind of questions are these people ask such ridiculous questions when it comes to marriage and they don't ask the true questions so I want to tell you something I remember one of the grandsons of rosha Feinstein told me that every time that a boy became a and Soha finds would give him a and then he told him the following gor it's aor sanedrin and it's and it says like this he said no two faces are alike look around the only people that have two faces that are almost exactly alike are his twins identical twins I still can't tell them the difference I'm so grateful one where is Al Ai and the other oneid otherwise I would never be able to tell him apart he could tell him apart I can't but basic Bally generally speaking no two faces are alike and theor says just like no two faces are alike no mindsets are alike everybody's got their own mindset so don't forget no two men think alike and no two women think alike and men and women surely don't think alike so we don't need that book Men Are from or women are from B if you know what I mean right cuz telling us that men and women are different so how we going to change how we're going to change so I believe one of the ways to have a good Mar to make sure that your kids have a good marriage is that you should have a good marriage and when you have a good marriage and your children have lived in your home that's the best training in the world it's not the books and it's not the lectures of course they're very important and you should all read good K Books on good marriage and listen to tapes and MP3s on good marriage it's very important but most of the people who have good marriages it's because they saw it by their parents because after a while a wife becomes exactly like her mother and usually a young man becomes like his father now you come to my house and you will see that all the newspapers are on top of the refrigerator why where did that come from because my mother-in-law in Denver she kept all the newspapers on the refrigerator now you come to my house every door knob has rubber bands isn't that where you stack your rubber bands right not on the door knobs right every door knob why cuz my mother-in-law may she rest in peace who I loved she stacked rubber bands on every doorknob so it's right that that's how you do it I if I walk into a house and I don't see a rubber band on the door knob but something's missing right something's missing it's the first thing I look for right because that's how it is in my house but that's you know sometimes the teenage girl answers the phone you think it's the mother right The Voice the inflection the other day I had a bris now I I know the father for years and the father of the baby walks in and his father walks like with a certain limp or something I don't know why the kid walks in the F the son of the baby the father of the baby walks in with the same limp nothing happened to him but that's how he saw his father walk all the years so it becomes natural so children pick up from parents now obviously I don't know most of you and that which I'm going to say right now is not to be hurtful to anyone but make no mistake about it when parents get divorced the kids become carbonis they're sacrifices they're tossed like baby dolls from one house to the other and they get so confused and they have mixed messages what you must do more than anything else to make make sure that your kids have a good marriage is to have a good marriage divorce should be an absolute Last Resort now sometimes there has to be a divorce there's no question about it and the Rabon will advise and sometimes unfortunately the two people just can't and there are many single mothers that are wonderful mothers and single fathers that are wonderful single fathers but that's not how it was meant to be we have to try to avoid that in any way possible I was telling my son before unfortunately I'm caught in the middle there's a couple that got divorced and when they were at the RO they decided they need somebody in between that's going to be able to settle the problems if anything should come up and they both decided I should be the one so they call me up from the RO where they're about to give the get are you MIM do you agree that you'll solve the problems now I knew the husband I knew the wife they both seemed like nice people Unfortunately they couldn't get along they got the I yeah how bad could have been be I'm telling you two weeks ago I was going to throw in the towel arguments about carpool and about meals and how child support I was going crazy and I'm not even involved in the marriage and I don't know how people live like this and the kids over hear this these are teenage kids there they see these Petty arguments that are going on what do you think they have in store for them and so therefore one of the most important things you can do for your children is have a good marriage I'll tell you another thing you you know this is an amazing thing thei couple wonderful wonderful people they told me I could say their name but of course I won't say their name I'll just tell you that they lived in Baltimore they don't live in Baltimore anymore they moved both very very successful wonderful people and they told me they came to the house once actually on y p and they told me they were having many marriage problems it was only the first year of marriage and they be both really thought that this this is the end and the young husband thought of a brilliant idea and he said listen I love you and I know you love me let's try to work this thing out and I think he said I know how we can work it out because there's a lack of communication between us so they made a list and I'm going to read you part of the list and each one and they kept it on the kitchen table every morning and they had to mark from zero to 100 what each one considered important and it was amazing certain things that he considered important she did not consider important so of course but when she saw it on the paper what he rated it from zero to 100 and then when he saw what she rated all of a sudden they were open a communication and now of course they improved it watch this this is what she said they lived in an apartment building in one of the Yeshiva complexes he was in Nia there in Baltimore and she said taking down the laundry fast when I ask you out of a 100 she rated that 95 she didn't want the smelly laundry around you know what rated it 10 he grew up in a dormatory right you know so there always laundry hanging around so to him it wasn't so important right so that was 10 by him 95 by her looking neat now when a guy goes out on a date of course the tie is up to here and you know the belt is tied and the shirt is closed and everything looks at what happens when he gets married tie is open the hat is back and the shirt's sticking out so looking neat by heard that was 97 that he should look eat by him it was 30 now today this was before cell phones but I'll just tell it to you calling home or coming home on time or calling if you're not going to be on time to her that was a 100 he's driving home from the cola whever he's driving home from who knows what could have happened you know a young VI thinks he's 10 minutes late who knows what happened to him to her that was 100 to him that was only 60 now let's watch the other way Friday night the table should be set when I come home from sh right she figured you know she'll get to it you know by the time he comes home she'll put the you know the uh Spoons the forks and napkins on the table by him it was 100 this guy was so high strong everything was 100 or 99 and 100 everything but I heard that was only 65 listen to this I couldn't get over this listening to my D Torah when I say it at the Friday night table now of course he would bring home guys from the ISA and he would say to and she was you know serving the next course or taking off the dishes she didn't think that he cared she thought he's for the no he said I want to impress you I'm happy to have the boys but I want you to feel that I'm a so to him again that was 99 to her that was 70 he's the best he wanted her to be logical right by him that was 99 by her it was 50 it is to laugh it's no joke but now when they had this on the table all of a sudden they realized hey wait a second you know it really makes a difference if I wear my tie up or my shirt is buttoned and I look like a mench that's important he didn't realize it was so important till he had this list now I've said this many places and you know people that are married 30 years they tell me where were you 30 years ago it took so long until we figured it out but that's what communication is all about you have to be able to be open that's why the tah tells us what happened with Y and Rifka they were not open and that's why she couldn't say what was really on her heart that yakob was a sadic but when you have open communication all a sudden there's a difference because nobody wants to hurt each other you loved each other when you were going out and some things may have deteriorated but basically you loved that person and if that's the case maybe the idea is to open up communication you know Aram peris fredman told me a terrific thing you have the water still yeah thanks thank you thank you Jake Aon perit freeden who wrote that book a table for two said to me an amazing thing he said when he was doing marriage counseling he said the Turning Point came when one spouse understands that maybe there's something that I'm doing wrong to cause the problem there are many people who feel in marriage I married the wrong person that person's so loud abusive doesn't appreciate what I do I married the wrong person cuz they are at fault but the marriage counseling turns around and the marriage can begin being rebuilt when somebody's able to say maybe it's because of me not necessarily totally but maybe there's something that I have to improve in and I'll tell you a great story that R once told me he once said an amazing story and this happened in yam there was a young couple couple Yi couple I should say and they got married the week before PES a week and a half before PES between puram and PES and the Min is that usually the first PES you eat by the Kal's house now don't forget n there's only one night only one seder and salant is the in that community and in the morning by P in the morning by ding the comes in he looks awful and goes over to the Father the father says what's wrong with your hin doesn't look like he got married just a week and a half ago he looks awful so the father says reie what should I tell you last night something happened at the Seda was awful said what happened he said you know we finished a Manana we finished you know the matah and the Mora and the haris and everything and we were eating the meal and as we're eating the meal he found a kernel of wheat in his soup and he just lost it he said how could it be wheat it get hot it could be like what family did I marry he just totally lost himself and then of course we were embarrassed and he was embarrassed and everybody said certain things it was just just awful so Salan says to come with me all of you come right outside to the front of the shore and he tells the shamas he says quick bring me a rag what's going on here he goes outside in front of the sh outside in the street he says to the give me your stal takes off a stral and Sal rubs out with the rag the top of the stral three wheat kernels come flying out of there how did they get there you know how they got there because by the oof a few weeks ago when he was wearing a stral in yine they don't throw candies they throw wheat kernels wheat as a sign of growth so now these wheat kernels were stuck in his stral so when he ate the soup one of the wheat kernels fell out of his stral into the soup so said a great lesson to marriage Before You Accuse somebody else better check your own stral and that's a great lesson of marriage and that's what Carrie Friedman is telling us that sometimes you got to think maybe you're the one that's causing the problem you know in sh sh which is in Q Gardens there's a wonderful M there his name is rattis Roberts and he once said something very very interesting and he says to the boys that have become he says in marriage you have to have constantly the Four A's admiration attention appreci ation and affection if you have these four A's in marriage the marriage can survive admiration attention appreciation and affection young couple gets married so she doesn't cook the greatest but some of the food was good you compliment that that's the admiration you don't focus on the negative there's a d That's said so the wife should compliment her husband and say what a beautiful D it is you know what Rabbi Miller he has a great tape probably it's on CD for sure already he has the Ten Commandments of marriage it's absolutely hysterical but some of them are terrific and one of them he says he brings a posk the PK is in the tells us the med tells USM says you know what's my favorite of all the kabas not the not the the to saying thank you cuz that's what said could have said when somebody says thank you you honor me but he says an extra the extra why because that's what Hashem loves when you say thank you and I always say that a woman who wants to be thanked for the kala that she Baked has to thank her husband for the dough that he brings home it's no joke you have to constantly be saying thank you you don't take anything for granted your wife made your lunch your husband brought home a check thank you thank you of course a husband is supposed to bring home money and of course a wife is supposed to bake for the family but don't take it for granted compliment and compliment in front of everyone cuz everybody likes a compliment everybody likes to be validated if the chicken was good if the meat was good whatever the dessert whatever it was compliment in front of everybody especially in front of the kids that's what alaza was talking about before when you see that a husband compliments a wife a wife compliments a husband that's the normal thing it's not only rubber bands on the the D knobs it's saying thank you and you don't let anything go by without saying thank you and here's another thing not to take each other for granted do you know I believe that this is very important a wife Friday night serves can I know her there's a whole family she serves everybody now the husband eats first there's no question everybody waits for the husband but the husband should not begin eating until his wife comes to the table your wife is not your servant and she's not your waitress of course she prepares the food but how does anybody by the time she comes to the table it's all gone already the only thing you should be able to eat right away I guess is the soup cuz it's hot otherwise it'll get cold but everything else control yourself the wife deserves that respect now I will tell you something you will not believe I once said this out of town I once said this out of town and a woman comes over to me and she says Rabbi cron do you have a tape of this please I've got to listen to what you said again about marriage so anytime somebody tells me I like your book I like your speech or whatever I always ask what did you like about it tell me one thing because it's always good to know what makes you know an impression on people she says to me after the speech she says that thing about the husband waiting for the wife to begin eating and you know until she comes to the table so I said ma'am I just want to ask you something why can't you just just ask your husband nicely you seem like such a nice person you know what she said it was almost a cry she said this has been going on for so many years it's so painful to me if I were to tell my husband now that I would appreciate that he would wait till I come to the table he would realize that for 15 years of marriage he's been doing something that's hurting me I can't do it to him I can't hurt him that way imagine the adle kite of that woman woman I could not get over her refined sense sensitivity to her husband so she got the tape I don't know what happened I never obviously checked up on it but the idea is that a woman feels you know like a person you know there's something an incredible thing and and my wife has been doing this since the kids are little I just happened just just past shabas it was unbelievable I spent the shabas at the aura convention my wife and my daughter who was there they went shopping my wife bought her a pair of shoes or whatever comes to shabas table my daughter fagy says to me to thanks for the shoes that you bought me I said yeah really I didn't know yeah but obviously you know Mommy bought it for her and she showed me shabber shoes or whatever was very nice every single time my wife went shopping with the kids she always insisted either they called from the car or when they come home they say thank you and they teach to children that you don't take anything for granted most people work very very hard for their money and if they work hard and the father or the mother buys something you have to say thank you and now all the children if my wife buys something for the grandchildren the grandchildren will call and say thank you and you don't take a z or a Bobby for granted and saying thank you is something that cems a relationship in a house with children parents and a husband and a wife together here's something very important never ever degrade your spouse in public now for example you're sitting around the table you at a wedding you're at a Bitz whatever even shabas guests and your wife or your husband says something that's ridiculous like Obama's such a great president you know something like that right as we heard before imagine somebody says something like that A J what a joke right imagine a husband says that and the wife says what are you crazy you don't say that in front of everybody even if he is right you don't degrade a spouse in public first of all you're going to pay for it that's eventually going to pay for it but that's the reason it's so humiliating a husband and a wife can disagree but with their never to degrade in public here's another thing never ever degrade a spouse in front of your children you may think man public okay fine but what about the kids you know we're at home never I'm telling you I'm involved with a young couple's terrible they're going to get divorced there's no suff about it and the mother again I don't know why I'm caught in between this and I spoke to the mother she says my seven-year-old calls me names it's terrible I can't believe that a seven-year-old is talking like that so one morning I said to him couple she said she she said to does why you calling me he says why do you call me these names he says that's what the T did that's what your that's what your my father calls you that that's awful that's terrible how could you live like that it's possible that a husband and a wife could get into an argument but not in front of the kids now that doesn't mean that a husband and a wife can't disagree they have to disagree sometimes and they can disagree in front of parents in front of children rather he wants to go to One Vacation she wants to go another you know they want to spend money on this not spend on this that's normal and it's important to disagree with a with a spouse in front of the kids they should see it's normal that's part of the AER and K but there's a difference between degr in you can't give your kids a a full sense of security that there's never any arguments cuz what's going to happen they get married the first argument they say they're out of here right because they so frightened they never sought by their parents and here's an unbelievable thing listen to this such a sad story again a therapist a good friend of mine I don't know why all my friends are therapists and marriage counselors but anyway so this this therapist mayor wickler tells me an amazing story he said there was a young couple that went through a divorce they had had a little boy an 8-year-old boy and they decided this is how they worked it out that during the week she has the little boy and on chabas he has the little boy so one Tuesday night the little boy starts crying she's putting into bed why you crying I want my daddy I want to sleep by my daddy tonight what do you mean by your daddy you're by Daddy in chabas no I want to be by my daddy tonight okay she calls up her ex he doesn't live so far away would you do me a favor the little boy wants to be by you tonight would you mind coming to pick him up and tonight I'll sleep by you no it's no problem at all fine he comes he picks up the little boy brings him back to his house he's about to put him in bed the little boy starts crying so what's wrong I want to be by my mommy what do you mean you want to be by your mommy you said you want to be by me that's why I came to pick you up no I want to be by my mommy no if the mother couldn't control him the father surely can't control him so he calls her back he says you know he changed his mind he wants to come home do you mind if I bring him home no you could bring him home he brings him home as he's about to leave the little bo stands by the door daddy don't leave daddy don't leave I want you to stay here tonight and you know he his heart is breaking but he can't be there tonight he's no longer married to her he says I'm sorry I can't be here tonight Daddy please i' just tonight be here and he says I can't and he goes back to his house and the little boy cries himself to sleep the next morning Dr wickler says to me he gets a call from this lady and she says she tells over the whole story and she says to Dr wickler Dr wickler do you think my son needs therapy so Dr wickler said your son doesn't need therapy he needs parents that's what the kids need and so I want to say something which 10 years ago I would never even dream to say and what I want to say is unfortunately so pertinent no husband and no wife ever have the right to degrade an ex-husband or an ex-wife if you two couldn't get along that's your problem it's not your child's problem you have an ex-wife has to talk nicely about her husband to the child and an ex-husband has to talk nicely to the child about the kid's mother because every child is entitled to a father and every child is entitled to a mother as I said if you two can't get along that's your problem not the child you can't make the child a porn and tell them things that your mother is awful that's why I divorced her or your father's a Rosia it could be that he is but you can't tell it to the child let him figure it out a child is entitled to a father a child is entitled to a mother and that's what we said before the most important thing you can do for your kids do anything you can but make sure that you have a happy marriage there's another thing also don't degrade yourself some people love to say I'm so stupid you keep on saying you're so stupid after a while your spouse is going to believe you well I'm so ugly you never thought you were ugly when you were dating right if you're ugly if you think you're ugly do something about it but don't say it in front of your spouse because your spouse will believe you so you can't degrade yourself and you have to continue to be attractive when you going out you always look great right I'm not saying you have to wear makeup you know 24/7 although some men wish that their wives did but you know that's just impossible but you got to be attractive and you know it's so embarassing to talk about but this bodily hygiene there's no excuse for bad breath really it's it's a terrible thing to talk about in public and I know this going all around the world now I don't know if they have scope in Australia but they have something else whatever so they got lavor so whatever but the idea is the idea is a person has to continue to be attractive just like they started being attractive when they were first going out and you know something you got to be attractive mentally as well sometimes you see couples walking in the street they're not talking to each other they're both on a cell phone who are they talking to each other there's nothing to talk about what do you mean there's nothing to talk about the whole world's falling apart and you got nothing to talk about you had what to talk about when you were going out right you have to be mentally attractive you have to be able to either read a safer read a newspaper read whatever you're going to read a magazine and discuss it and when you discuss it so it's stimulating so a person feels you know this person is still attracted this person is nice to be with cuz they have opinions it may not be your opinion but it's an opinion and finally a person has to learn to be a good listener again when you were going out you had all the Time in the World to listen I remember I was once sitting at the kitchen table I'm reading the paper whatever my wife is talking to me she says you're not listening to me I said of course I'm listening she said what did I just say I said you said I'm not listening to you happened now let's learn one more thing we'll hear a great story review and uh you know we'll finish sometime okay we'll finish eventually here this is very very very important we all know in marriage that there's a time to criticize nobody is perfect and a person has a right to criticize a husband can criticize a wife a wife can criticize a husband but there's a way to do it and you know the tah teaches us something absolutely incredible the Torah teaches us that when hasem was angry at Aon and Miram because they spoke lash against MOS the tells us please listen to my words and wonders about this Rashi says no means is saying please listen to me he's angry that that Miram and Aaron spoke against mha why does he say please listen to the you won't believe it even though that was angry at them he still said please listen to me and he spoke to them softly if his words would have been with anger they wouldn't have listened could you imagine Aon and Miriam are not going to listen to hem if he gets angry says how much more so that a person should talk softly you have a right to criticize and I'll show you how to criticize there's three ways to criticize there's a specific complaint there's a global complaint and a demeaning complaint a specific complaint I'm upset you didn't put away the towel when I asked you I asked you please hang up the towel when you're finished with it that's specific I'm upset you didn't put the coffee cup into the sink I asked you when you finished put the coffee cup into the sink that's specific here's Global you always leave a mess wherever you are always when you say always that's Global Nobody Does it always but that's how we talk here's the third way that's demeaning it's such a slob you're just like your mother that's why you leave that's what a house looks like it does that's terrible a person that gives a specific complaint you can still love with a person who gives a global complaint you can live with a person who's constantly giving demeaning complaints you want to leave there's love live and leave if you're talking specifics you could love that person global you can still tolerate live but the meaning that's when people leave here's another example I feel bad you forgot to buy milk on the way home from sh I feel bad you didn't pick up my suit I told you I called you from Manhattan I'm coming home before shabas I'm going to be late I asked you to go pick up my suit and you didn't pick it up that's specific that's that's genuine and that's okay that's fine it's a genuine complaint and it's a rightful complaint it's specific here is global you never do what I ask you never you just tune me out you don't do what I ask ever that's Global here's the meaning you're so absent minded that's why you're going to get fired that's terrible nobody's absent minded they didn't do it on purpose but if you lose yourself and you say demeaning things nobody wants to live with a person like that you have to control yourself a specific complaint is fine a global is not good but it's tolerable but demeaning is awful so I want to tell you one more story we'll review and end with a great thought it's a very sad story to listen to but you know people always ask me what story do you tell that has had the biggest effect on the people that heard it so this is one of them there's a few of them some of you who know the books and tapes know Shia the baseball story or tasini you know those of you who know that Jay Goldberg could be up here and tell you all my speeches whatever but this is one of the most unbelievable top top five for sure there was a couple that were married a number of years she was expecting a baby and they had a decent marriage but he was very different than she was he was very neat he was always on time and she was the opposite she was never on time and sometimes he would be getting getting ready to go to a wedding he says you know come on how come you're not ready on time and she would say it's not so important it's not the end of the world it's not so important and you know she would get dressed and they would go to the wedding Saturday night after sh she wouldn't clean the dishes till Sunday morning and he would say why can't you clean the dishes after J you leave the house a mess a whole Saturday night she say it's not so important don't worry I'll get to it and eventually she would do it it's not like she didn't do what he asked just it took a little while fine one night she calls him up she's in the Bungalow colony in the mountains she calls him up and she says to him listen do me a favor tomorrow bring the checkbook because we have a lot of bills up here in monello you know and I'm here A whole week alone I need the checkbook I have I've got to pay bills so he's very punctilious he right away he takes he had a glot orange glot Mar bag he goes into the car he takes the checkbook puts it into the car in the glot mark bag till Friday when he comes up he'll have it Friday afternoon he drives up to the mountains he comes to the bungalo Colony he gives it to her the first thing as soon as he comes in fine shabas morning because he didn't see this sat Friday night because the room was dark he noticed that she took the glart bag with the checkbook on and she didn't take the checkbook out she put it on the baby's crib and that's where it was a whole shabas he was fit to be tied she said she had to pay bills so she doesn't put it away she's hanging it on the baby's crib okay bong colonies are tight but still fine he doesn't say anything Sunday afternoon he goes back he controlled himself he didn't make a comment about how upset he was that she just totally with disregard just put the checkbook in that kept it in the bag and hung it up he goes back he comes back next Friday he comes back next Friday and the checkbook is still in that bag on that same crib a full week she didn't even open it well this guy was fit to be tied but he figured she'll say don't worry it's not so important don't worry I'll get to pay the bills and he's thinking no she made a call she wanted I should come right away I should bring the checkbook right away and still she didn't do anything Sunday he goes back he doesn't say anything Tuesday he gets a frantic call he gets a frantic call that he should come running up because she went into early labor and she's in the hospital and it's very serious he was working lman hadn't took 2 and 1 half hours until he got up to Harris's hospital he comes into Harris's hospital he walks into the lobby and he sees all his friends and relatives and he knows something is terrible and they tell him his wife died in child birth the baby lived but his wife died and now he comes back to the Bungalow Colony with his friends and his relatives and he walks into the room and the checkbook is still there a week and a half later in the the orange glart bag and he takes out the checkbook and the first check that he wrote was for the funeral and the second part was for the kadisha and then when he came back to sit Shiva in Brooklyn he took that bag and then on the outside of the bag in his closet he wrote three words it's not that important and that lesson that he learned in death we have to learn in life before it's too late because most most of the arguments that husbands and wives get into are really it's not that important so she didn't come on time so she forgot to pick up the suit it's not the end of the world she didn't do it on purpose he didn't do it on purpose he forgot to bring the milk from sh he's probably talking to the RO talking to a friend or whatever but what happens somebody says something the other person wants to get back and soon a little thing becomes into a big flame of M and soon they're not talking to each other and it's awful and when I told the story on Tish once at a Tish video that The Heritage Foundation does they got hundreds and hundreds of calls about this story and we made a little poster and anybody who wants it I'll send it to Yaniv you hang it up on your refrigerator hang it up on the telephone keep it on the you know your iPad somehow and just remember most of the arguments are not really worth it so let's oh I got to tell you a great story can I tell story about you depends what it is with the curly hair in the bike yeah okay this kid before he was 3 years old had the curliest hair that you could imagine and Al minig is not to give a haircut until 3 years old so he had like an afro and every time he rode his bike you know the yo would fall off and it drove me BS and um you know I would say you know come on you know how could you driv in the house when out of Yuka you know of course he would always pick it up but you know he was D he's a great great athlete and you know he was flying around the house and the am would fall off well one night he's driving around he makes a urn you know right around my desk and the Amo comes flying off and it goes into the other room and I had just had it and I said I can't believe it you're such a then I was thinking to myself what am I going to say what it's crazy I'm going to call a kid a name I said toic you're such a tadic how could you not wear your yamaka and from that moment on every single time the yaka fell off he put it on in a second you know why cuz he's aoic look at him he's aoic your that's good now you don't have that much hair okay doesn't fall off that much but he's a great kid ask his wife he could tell you and he's got the most delicious kids but anyway but the idea is that a person can't lose themselves when you criticized of you're allowed to criticize but never to be demeaning only to be elevating and when you call a kid at sadic hey I am right I got to act that way and so you elevate a child you elevate a a a spouse so let's remember let's go over quickly we said the Sak is that protection remember five hours ago when we started right the Sak is that protection she walks around him like a the he gives her a ring and aaka is equal 360 but what happens that round protection has cracks and crumbled sometimes why because of con because of conflict Rift and dissension the teror showed us have Raman s had conflict RKA didn't have open communication yob said something to ra and he was punished afterwards why is the Torah telling us these things because these things happen in marriage that's AER connector there's a helpmate and sometimes an opposition it should be most of the time it should be AER but a person shouldn't fall apart just because there's an argument let's remember what Rabbi per par Freedman told us marriage is not a question of finding the right partner marriage is a question of being the right partner let's remember to be happy if you're happy then you'll make your spouse happy that's what the M taught us let's remember what Raa taught us no two men think alike no two women think alike men and women surely don't think alike maybe we should keep that list of open communication what's important to each other and so therefore if we weren't able to say it at least you could see it on paper let's remember to always say thank you let's remember that's hashem's favorite carbon the carbon TOA let's not take each other for granted wait for your wife to begin eating thank parents make sure that each child whether the father or the mother tells the child to thank the parent for what they did even if they weren't there in other words they buy a suit the father's not there but really it's his money he was the want to brought into the house the mother should make sure the kids they thank you never degrade each other in public never degrade each other in front of your kids don't they grade yourself either continue to be attractive mentally and physically always be a good listener continue you can criticize but you can criticize specific not Global and certainly not demeaning I just want to end with just two beautiful beautiful things my father shal and this is the whole speech right here if you remember this then you'll know everything my father used to say I don't know where he got it from maybe the Readers Digest I have no idea but he once said the difference between the word United and untied write it down you'll see spelled with the exact same letters the only difference is where you put the eye if you put the eye in the right place then a sh is United a family is United you put the eye in the wrong place then it's untied that's how a Sho gets untied that's how a workplace gets untied that's how a family gets untied that's what my son was saying before why are you in this marriage are you in it for yourself or are you in it to give and to share that's what it's all about if you put the eye in the right place then the marriage will be United you know in Yiddish there's an expression the Ze should be it should be beautiful so the satari once said something so incredible and we'll close with that o in Yiddish or in Hebrew means to go up it means batri for example if I want to say the word d is 14 D is equal 14 four six and four you're going up on the count it's 14 a is 13 so the SAT rebi once said what does it mean that the Z should be who could figure out what is the numerical value of the word y can anybody figure out Y Pay and hey 95 right take a look tonight you will not believe you know what the 95th mitah the is only could figure this out take a look at the make for me a m build for me a sanctuary that's what it means that the should be it should be 95 it should be like the 95th Mitzvah a sanctuary a holy place your house is a holy place it's not only a place where a family gets together it's Rus it's high it's elevating you're going to raise the future wonderful people of Claus that's what our family is all about it's about growing not only physically but spiritually Hashem should bless each and every one of us that we should be to have masle you know what masle stands for and if you're in the right place at the right time and you say the right thing that's masle I wish all of us we should have masle and BR and build wonderful homes in CLA thank you for inviting me thank you