Chazaq event with R' Yaron Weisberg on Marriage Partnership or Relationship

[Music] [Applause] nice that they brought me in the week before observe it yourself emeritus rl2 to you know be the opening show whenever we want to do something we always need to have a plan and we wanted to let say we just thought we're gonna build a house okay I have the best contractor best engineer you can have the best interior decorator and you could use the best materials but if you're missing the plan of what the house is supposed to look like you're never gonna be able to do anything even with the best people and the same is true with marriage very often we find that there are wonderful people who get married to each other we're trying to live together but they don't really know what the plan is they didn't know what the plan was when they were dating if you ask them why are you getting married they might say I don't know everyone else's seems like a good thing to do the Torah says you have to do it but they don't really know what they're supposed to be doing and then they get married and if you ask them again a couple years later they're still it's not very you don't get such clear answers as to what the goal is when we're trying to get married and if you don't know what you're doing then it's very hard to ask for directions you know you stop someone you roll down the window hi I need directions where I'm not really sure where I'm going they're not gonna be but that would be too much and it's the same thing is true you get married and and and and you don't really know what you're doing suddenly you know you don't even know what to do with yourself I got an email just this morning last night whatever you call 1:30 in the morning from a couple haven't met yet and basically row we don't know what's wrong but something's wrong in our marriage so we want to meet with you so that's a sign that of people that really don't know what this is all about so I'd like to do tonight is maybe try to give us a sense of direction as to what we are trying to do with with our relationships with our spouses in order to understand anything we need to have a definition if something is not defined if we don't know what it is then you can't really do anything for example you got a call about a up so we want to find out about a boy okay what do you want to know about him is the eurasia maíam that's a nice question to ask does he have uhm I am but what is your definition of your action I am for some people definition of yours from I am is he goes to mignon every day for some people a definition of uhm I maybe he's very honest in his business what is your definition so you're gonna ask me a question like that and III don't know what to answer you because I don't know what you call your charm I am so it's very important to have definitions for things if we want to be able to to accomplish something so in order to define marriage there are two words that are very often used and that's what like to explore tonight which one is the right one one is partnership and one is a relationship what is the definition of a partnership so if you look in Webster's dictionary I don't know if anyone does that anymore but if you would look there the a partnership is written over there a relationship resembling a legal partnership and usually involving close cooperation between parties having specified and joint rights and responsibilities just to say that in slowly it means two people are getting together they want to accomplish something and each of them have their jobs and each of them have their responsibilities and this is usually done to get to some type of benefit to people are coming together they want to do something you have a business partnership so you have two people they want to make money so they get together and they decide to cooperate in order that they can make some money so this person is this job and this responsibility this person is this job and this responsibility great we have a partnership let's go doesn't sound so bad meaning marriage also sounds like it should be close cooperation between two people that sounds good who have specific rights and responsibilities so person a in our world we sometimes don't know who it is can make the food clean the house and take care of the children person B will make the money they'll take out the garbage they'll get the car fixed so each of them have their jobs great they're in cooperation and it sounds very good so we have to sum up partnership in one sentence it would be mutual responsibility for mutual profit meaning we're getting together and we're each having a responsibility in order to gain something and have a profit what is the result of such a thing in a marriage so I tell you I'll share with you a story there was a couple that went to something called the World's Fair for those of you that don't know what the World's Fair was in Flushing Meadow Park right over here that big globe that I think still sits there I imagine right that was from the World's Fair I think before I was born even okay but the 64 that was before I was born by seven years okay so the the globe is sitting there they used to have a World's Fair and anymore they still have it where everyone gets together and there's rides and there's attractions and all types of things so there's a couple they used to go to the World's Fair every year and every year there used to be a plane ride where a guy would just take you up on an airplane and of course $50 and every year this husband you say go to his wife and say look I really would like to go on the plane so the wife's like look you know I understand but we're not doing it $50 is $50 we're not going and this one year after year after year and finally the guy is 85 years old they come to the World's Fair again he turns to his wife and he says listen you know I don't mean I don't know how many years I have left can you please do me a favor once let me go up on the plane ride you know and and let's you know let's go up on the plane together and and do this so is why he said look you know I'm gonna want to tell you $50 $50 we're not going on the plane so the pilot of the airplane he he overhears the conversation and he turns to the couple and he says listen you know I see you really want to do this you know the he's too expensive I'll make you a deal you guys could come on the plane for free on one condition you don't say a word the whole time you're up there so they the husband looks at his wife so I was like fine here's I guess here's your chance we'll go up we'll keep quiet well get you'll get your free plane ride at the World's Fair like you always wanted so the captain takes them up on the airplane and you know he's trying to get them to make some noise so he starts doing zig zags and flipping up and down and turning over and doing everything and sure enough total silence from the back so the guy lands his plane he turns back towards the guy and he said well I can't believe it you did an amazing job you know I really thought for sure you guys would talk well while I was doing all those flips you know how did you keep quiet so the husband said you know what it was really hard and especially when you that last split 15 minutes ago but my wife you know and when she fell out of the plane it was really hard not to say anything but hey $50 $50 you know that is how a marriage partnership looks there's a bottom line of hey you know what can you do this is what you have to do and this what I have to do meaning that in a partnership marriage you will find that husbands and wives are keeping score with each other one person's thinking I did this for you so you have to do this for me and the other ones thinking I did that for you and you have to do this for me because that's what a partnership is if we were in business together we would also be very worried about hey I'm doing 50% of the work why aren't you doing 50% of the work you're not doing your share I'm doing the moisture that's what a partnership is and if the partnership is going to stay then everyone is always watching the other person to make sure that everyone's doing what they're supposed to be doing and once we feel we're doing more than the other side then we come with complaints against them and there might be a point of this that's even worse because we all know in a marriage the the media that's probably the most destructive is being selfish and the partnership people feel they have to be selfish they have to look out for themselves they have to make sure that they're not you know getting shafted and that the the agreement is being held to and therefore we're focused on always looking at am I getting when I'm supposed to be getting and that creates a very selfish attitude in the marriage and very often the lack of stability that some people feel in their relationship is because they're living in a partnership they're there they're constantly thinking am I getting enough am I not getting enough is this the way it's supposed to be and they end up just being focused on the fact that hey maybe I'm losing out over here because I'm not getting what I'm supposed to be getting from the other person this is what a partnership is and it's not what a marriage is supposed to be a marriage is supposed to be a relationship what's a relationship as opposed to two separate entities working together our relationship means were one entity there is no me there is no you there's only in us because earners describe this very well the cause an issue wrote in a letter that the way a marriage is supposed to be is like the right arm and the left arm of a body that's all he wrote so I to rebbe who was a Talmud of atomically cousin or so I heard this fourth generation but he said that the Talmud of the Casa nurse said that what this means is as follows if you have a person who unfortunately he goes in the breaks an arm breaks his right arm so for six weeks his right arm is in a cast his left arm is doing everything and after six weeks the cast comes off the guy says okay right arm listen the left arms and doing everything for six weeks we'll have time you could take arrest for six weeks right arm you do everything I think we don't call that guy crazy like what's it what's wrong with you why why would we think he's crazy because you have one body if you have one body then each arm does whatever the body needs sometimes the right arm does more sometimes the left arm does more but each arm is always doing whatever the body needs so house under said that's what marriage is supposed to be marriage is not about me doing and you doing marriage is about whatever this body called our marriage is that's what we both need to be doing in our marriage and in order for us to get to that level that we feel that there isn't to you and there isn't to me there's an us so we have to create that us what does it mean to create in us it means that each person has to make room inside themselves to the other person in a partnership I don't need to be your best friend I don't need for you to care about me we just have to get the job done you have to do your share I have to do my share we make money everyone's happy in marriage in order to create the relationship where there is no you and no me that means I have to let you inside of me and you have to let me inside of you and this has nothing to do with whether or not you are doing your job you're not doing your job it even has nothing to do with the reason why you married the other person you could have married them for many different reasons but right now if I want to create a bond with you those reasons are pretty irrelevant I need to let you inside of me and you have to let me inside of you let's explain this a little bit further because I'll tell us in Turkey avos that the only love that lasts is what's called a novice unit of a diver a love that's not dependent on anything else a love that's dependent on something cannot last I love this dependence on nothing can last why is this true because if your love is dependent on nothing then it's always stable as long as I am dedicated to loving you and I'm making the choice to love you so it doesn't matter what you do the love is always there but if the obviously of a duffer then that love is always going to be fluctuating if my love of my wife would be dependent on our making a good dinner for me then some nights I love her and some nights I don't some nights the food's good sometimes it's better some nights maybe she doesn't make dinner but that means my marriage is a rollercoaster up and down up and down because it's all dependent on this factor and we all get married to each other for many different reasons but as long as we're tied to those reasons and our love is tied to those reasons means that we can never have a stable relationship what's supposed to start happening at the Hupa and continue is to love the person as a choice we're just choosing to love them and we're slowly supposed to move from a novice at 3:00 observer we get married to a lot that's dependent on nothing else living with a partnership hurts this because living in a partnership first of all means that my love is going to be dependent on you fulfilling your side of the partnership and it also hurts this because when you're not fulfilling this part of the partnership there's a lot of anger and resentment that comes between two people because the other side is not fulfilling their share of the partnership this kills the growth of the relationship and doesn't allow people to really meet to make this deep meaningful connection so how do we build this relationship so the first thing we need like we said is our goal has to be that we want to get to a point that our love is dependent on nothing and this is very hard for a lot of us because in some ways we feel that as long as our love is dependent on something I could control the other person if I tell them my love is dependent on having a good dinner every night that means I'm in control I could hold it overhead you must make me a good dinner I'm not going to love you and people use their there they're obviously of another as a way of trying to control the other person and it's hard to give up that control so our goal first has to be to let go to let go and just to decide to love this person for no other reason other than I'm choosing to love them roles and jobs in a marriage or fine if they are not looked at as an obligation if we each fall into our role here some not this guy has to make the money or sometimes the woman has to make the money and sometimes the man has to make the food sometimes the woman does but whatever it is as long as we're not looking at it as if the other person doesn't do this then but rather we see it as a function of our relationship that we're each trying to do whatever we can for this body for the marriage then everything will be good we won't get upset at the other person when they don't do the job that we think they're supposed to do and when they do do it we'll have a lot of a cars that talk towards them a lot of gratitude and so often we don't have the gratitude that we were supposed to have for the other person because we think that's what they're supposed to do why should why should I thank them in reality no one is supposed to do anything it's just as much your responsibility to make the fuzes your responsibility to make the food you know why because we're married and if we're married there's one body and if there's one body we both have the responsibility to try to help that body function as great as possible so these two things together is what helped the relationship grow it's not making your love dependent on anything and it's also the realization that we're supposed to get to this us as opposed to me and you so how do we get there how do we generate these feelings of closeness I don't know where I heard this from it's almost tore alike see what I mean in a minute but there's a word in English that means closeness and that is intimacy and if you break down though that word in two parts it comes out too into me see meaning the closeness is generated by the fact that you could see into another person when you get to know someone better when you get to really see what's going on inside them you feel close to them if you've ever read a biography about someone whether it's a goggle or anybody else yo Pew a book yeah I read 500 pages about them you close the book you feel you know them you feel like you know you had something to do with them even if you've never met them the way to get close to people is through getting to know them in fact raashi and partially repaired you've had persecute at writes this Rashi writes cha Mojave versa Adam makar vote at slow vo doe amok hero someone who you want to love you bring them close to you and you get to know them that's how you get to really love someone so the way to feel connected to the other person to allow them to get inside of you is for each person to let the other person really see what's going on inside of them and here's something that many people have difficulty being nowadays and that is real being real with someone means that you're really showing them what's going on inside of you when you're talking to them there's not so many real interactions that we have nowadays anymore you know you call up your bank and there's a recording on there we are so happy you called all we want to do is please you please stay on the line you know and you hear these things over and over again but unfortunately if it's just the recording that would be one thing but when it's the teller and when it's everyone and all they're saying are things that are fed to them with absolutely no real meaning to them so this desensitizes us to what it means to have a real interaction with somebody one time I was speaking to a katana and he was telling me how he spoke to her sort of rabbeinu Z Shiva and the rabbina shiva was telling him when you get to the theater Euclid after the wedding tell your caller this and this and this and I was like no don't do that he's like why these are very nice things I said there are nice things but then your Rebbe is talking in the East Room and not you your wife's gonna marry your Rebbe that she wants you or your Rebbe has to say your wife's married you whoever the real person in you inside is that's who she should be hearing whatever you say should be something real coming from you so if we want to connect to people in general and with our husbands and wives in particular we have to be real with them and when we're dating we're not really the other person they were real five percent ten percent maybe we're trying to put on a show we're trying to show the best sides of ourselves and that's wonderful and then we get married and okay we don't know the person so well so again we're not so real with them you know maybe we don't tell them that you know we fell asleep during Korea so it's over in shul you know maybe we want to tell them that we bring the kala and we threw it out and this is the second try you know we're we're scared to be real with our spouses but if we're not if we don't grow out of that slowly and we don't become really the other person you can never connect to that person it's impossible to connect to another human being unless there's two real people in the room and I want to add one other point when we look at the world today as opposed to 20 years ago someone would ask what's the biggest difference in the world I think the answer ever would come up with this internet the thing that's probably changed the most and change society the most is that what is this the gymnast I know if you want to call it it's a heart I'm not talking about doing any of arrows on the internet but what is this thing that is there everyone just loves being on the Internet so the answer I think is is that curiosity or some type of sense of excitement meaning that there's something there we're gonna see new there's something there that I don't know about that's gonna come and I'm gonna see and I'm evil and not only that but I'm able to get to it so quickly I mean I'm able to see or hear or or read something new that I didn't have before and our society has become driven by excitement and we all need something exciting to get us going and to do and it's coming to the schools you know where you know it's so it's almost as if a teacher has to dance on the desks to get the kids attention there has to be some type of excitement in order to get us moving and then we get married and we all go to weddings and weddings are really exciting so if someone single they go to a wedding well this is great like I want to get married this is like really exciting and very often in the beginning of marriage is really exciting and and society is all about excitement but getting to know another person well is not exciting it really isn't maybe every so often you'll hear something really interesting like I can't believe you did that you know did you really take the teachers watch and like turn the time ahead 45 minutes that he let you guys out early for recess yes I did but I'm not proud of it but whatever but you know but sometimes you find that something that's a little bit exciting to you but getting to know another person is not exciting so people instead of doing what they're supposed to be doing in order to connect to the other person they get married and they just look for excitement so in the beginning is exciting the excitements going away so then they try to figure out maybe we have to go to the Caribbean maybe we need to move to a different house maybe we need to have guests over and entertain that maybe then who knows what we need to do but the the excitement starts to wane after the wedding and and they just there's we have to find something to keep things exciting and it's not exciting to get to know other another person but you know what excitement doesn't last either and now sham knew that if you want a marriage to last it's not through excitement it's through depths when you really get to know someone in a deep way and you have a real person in front of you and you're talking as a real person and you get to know someone deeper and deeper and you get to understand them more and more so this is what develops a relationship and not only that but when someone has this they don't need the exciting anymore they don't need to go on there try to find fancy vacations or fancy things to do not saying people can't go on vacation but they don't need excited the depth is what they need best vacation in the world is me and my wife on some mountaintop in a house probably with no electricity right that's probably the best vacation in the world because you know what you left to do there's only one thing left to do talk that's it and that's depth and that's where we need to get to if we want to develop a proper relationship we have to prioritize getting to know our spouse in depth and it's not dependent on necessarily how much time you have but it's really on what you do with your time I want to give you an example there are two examples husband comes home from work one night his wife is very upset because the kids are still awake and it's 9:30 at night so there are various different reactions the husband can have at that point one is and don't think some people don't do this they tell their wife I'm going back out call me when the kids are sleeping okay that's one reaction all right nobody try that at home okay but unfortunately there's people like that some people will go to their wife and say don't be so upset it's okay you know okay that seems pretty nice you know telling her you know not not to be upset at the situation or sometimes you think in that husband that says you know what I'll put them to sleep you go sit down that's a very very nice after a whole day at work I know it was realizing your wife's having a hard time very nice all of those are very good but if he never explored the situation to see why are you so upset that the kids aren't sleeping now I'm not saying you should do it in the moment because it could be at that point you know she just wants to run as far away as possible to just get a break but if he never turned to her at some point and said by the way why are you so upset when the kids weren't sleeping the other night and to hear what's going on inside there could be so many things going on inside I was really upset because I wanted you to have a quiet house when you got home I was really upset because I wasn't able to make you dinner I was really upset because now tomorrow morning the kids are gonna want to get out of bed and go to school I was really upset because I feel it I'm a failure as a mother because I can't get the kids to sleep on time tonight you know I'm really upset because the neighbor came over and saw that our house is a circus there's so many possible reasons as to why the wife might be upset on that case and if you never asked the question then you're losing out on the opportunity to really find out a lot more about the other person and to create that intimacy to greet that closeness give you an example in a reverse housing come home when one night from his learning and the wife sees you know well something's wrong what's wrong my club rooster said he doesn't want lower than me anymore oh okay I'm really sorry about that you want some dinner okay not bad I feel really bad for you you know maybe I can you know do something for you that's that's also nice but if the question is never asked what makes you so upset about that and again here too there could be numerous reasons I feel like a failure you know it's humiliating there was a hit to my ego you know I was ready to dump him and he got me first you know there's there's so many reasons why he could be upset at it and if we don't take advantage of these opportunities in order to learn more about who the other person is then we're losing out on our ability to get close to them so there's some practical pieces to this that also need to to be implemented one is obviously there has to be time there has to be time to talk to the other person everybody's busy some of us very busy some of us even more busy than that but one thing is for sure and that is on things that we really deem important we all make the time there is no one that doesn't make time for the things that are very important to them this has to become something that is important for every couple in order for people to develop relationship so many times there are marriages that actually start as a relationship and then people start getting busy and then what happens well he has to do carpool and she has to go grocery shopping and he goes to his job she goes to her job someone has to pick the baby up from the babysitter and the relationship that used to be there when they weren't so busy suddenly just goes away and they're just left with the partnership him doing his job her doing her job and in our world it's so easy to fall into this and if we have fallen at this we have to get out of it there really should be almost no day that goes by without time that is spent getting to know the other person better sometimes it's more challenging as your kids get older you know I'm saying brakesh and I already have two daughters that are married and you know teenagers in the house so yeah you see we used to sit on the couch and I'd be able to talk now we have to either lock ourselves into the bedroom we have to leave the house we have to go into a car you know it doesn't become more challenging at some point but it is something that we all have to realize it's a necessity this is not a luxury the second thing is when we speak to the other persons we have to have a focus we have to give them our full headspace they did a study have the source word somewhere where they tested people's brains when they had a phone on silent in their pocket to see if they were distracted more than someone without a phone and the answer was yes they found they were distracted just by having a phone in their pocket on silent just distracted them more when it comes to something so important as to paying attention to the other person there is no such thing as 99% because 99% is almost a zero because there's a part of you that's not there and the other person feels that part of you is not there then it's going to lose the moment that is needed so during the time that you're trying to accomplish this connection and it's not the whole night it might be part of the night it might be you dedicate 20 minutes half an hour whatever time you do dedicate to getting to know other person better there can't be any distractions and those distractions don't only have to be a phone there could be other things it could be it's a distraction because you have to you know leave in 20 minutes that's going to be a distraction that might not be the best time to to talk again if there's children around they could be distracting if you want to accomplish this goal it has to be done with full headspace so finding the time and giving the full headspace to the other person on a consistent basis it's what is going to build a relationship and help you get out of partnership mode the more this is done the more natural love develops where do we see this the most probably with children where we're the relationship that most parents have with their kids is one of constantly getting to know them more and more it's a log that's not dependent on anything and as the years go by that natural love continues to develop there's another benefit to this and that is is that the more we focus on getting to know the other person better and the more that we start to feel the depth in the relationship and the wonderful feelings of closeness that come with it the less we focus on the externals the less we care about all these other things you know there's times you know we have a situation where a wife does something she forgot to have dinner on the table or she you know it didn't take care of something whatever it is and and she says you know I hope I hope you're not upsetting me the answer should always be how could I be upsetting you you know this isn't what this is all about it's not about missing dinner one night we're all human even if you made a mistake we all make mistakes it's not about running the errand it's not about how you look what it's about is is that we're very closely connected and just like with ourselves because we love ourselves when we do things that are wrong and we messed up a little bit is that okay nobody's perfect and we go further and we continue to love ourselves that's what we're supposed to get to with our spouses I do want to finish off by saying that everything that I've said tonight I will take questions afterwards if there are any it's much easier said than done the fact that I have this cook to be up here and to speak about it has been through many many years of not only telling other people this but through living it in fact when I teach other people to be constant teachers you know I think I what am I ready to teach no no one's ready to teach until they live it when you live what you're teaching and I'm talking about the Holocaust I'm talking about the hot rock LA and now Java and and all those types of things that that I teach cotton in when you're talking about all these things you're not ready to teach until you live it you have to live it first and it's only after living it can hopefully help my wife agrees can you get up and speak about it so tonight was really just the tip of the iceberg I just really wanted to give people some ideas to think about some ideas that they could go work on for anyone that's interested in them what the marriage initiative is I brought cards here that people could take a look at that there's an email on the bottom that they could reach me or through Kazak they could also reach me I'd like to thank for Zach for having me and thank everyone for coming [Applause] are there any questions questions yes [Music] did you ever run on a treadmill okay that's what it's supposed to be meaning a human being every person is not only very different than every other person but people are changing during the course of life you know I tell people you get married I say wherever you're married now they're gonna be very different in 10 years and so will you it could be when you get married that the wife thought oh I want to be a speech therapist and five years later with two kids at home when she's like I just want to stay at home with the kids and five years and another kid leader she's like I gotta get out so I'm going to be a speech therapist and five years later she'll be like you know what I want to just go be an accountant I've had enough of speech therapy you know and that thing that can be true with a man people are always changing not only in their careers but in in in in and what their values are and what's important to them in how they view different things in the world there is no end to getting to know another person absolutely none so as well as we slowly get to know our spouses there is there's always room to grow and I think if we watch carefully we will always see new things that we didn't know about them that come up and hopefully those things will be actually things you know then process I can tell you I've been married 24 years that you know through the years - how many times I've just looked at my wife I was so impressed with different things that she did and there were things I wasn't expecting when I married her for sure I didn't know this aspect about her but it was something new and a moment came and you know she rose to the occasion or sometimes she'll experience pain that someone said something I didn't realize she was sensitive to certain comment that someone might make but the reality is is that even if we had hundreds of years here it's the wouldn't be enough to get to know another person so maybe I didn't say this clearly in the examples I gave but to ask why we meaning if whatever happens don't just leave the facts on the table I had a good day I had a bad day what made today good what made today there he's going to share things with you and if he tells you today was good because we made $5,000 what makes you feel good why is that what does that make you know why does that make you feel good so he might say I feel like I'm successful he might say I'll be able the family would go on vacation now he might say because now my boss will give me a promotion who knows what he's gonna say there are a lot of things he could say and you don't know the answer so when he tells you different things you know about where how is that Fela and Shula on Rosh Hashanah and he tells you a fact I was very inspiring what made it inspiring to you to you we asked it to you right it has to be I want to know what made inspiring to you I don't know people say oh there's a great cousin okay very nice but to me that's not inspiring to him it might be very inspiring you might like cousin it but to ask questions that will allow you to get to know him better it's very interesting because sometimes when people are dating they go out on a bunch of dates and they come back five six dates how's everything good but I have no feelings for the other person so I remember I asked my Rebbe once you know what do you tell these people that say they've gone out numerous times they have no feelings the other person but on paper everything is very good he said the first thing to check is what's happening on the date what are they talking about are they talking about facts and opinions or are they sharing feelings if he noticed that he hasn't shared any feelings with the other person then tell them on the next date he should make sure to ask certain things about sharing feelings that they could share feelings with each other sure enough that was it once you open up and share yourself with the other person that's what builds the connection any other questions yeah yeah it's yeah the question was is uh when when she sees that a rabbi outside is it the right thing to do to say hi to them or is it not the right thing to do to say hi to them it seems to be from the strict language of the show Honora that it's a man and a woman in general are not supposed to it's not the best thing to do to say hi to each other at the same time when you're in a certain society where it's expected that people do then it could be not saying hi my core some type of Jewish M so it really would depend on you know the situation if the rabbi is someone who is expecting you not to say hi to him chances are then that's what you're supposed to do if for whatever reason he would be expecting you know or a part of his feeling as being the rabbi that he says hi to everyone to do it so then there you know could be the right thing to do would be to do that but it's not it's so I would say if he doesn't say hello to you then the best thing to do is probably not to say hello to him [Music] so again in my opinion I'm not saying but it really depends on on the community that you're part of it I right so again I don't know the community here so well I have a few book larren tell me them but so I like you know it's hard for me to answer the question without without knowing the situation any other questions okay thank you very much if anyone wants to see more about the program there's some cards are here