CHAZAQ Event on Finding the Perfect Spouse with Rabbi Jonathan Rietti

[Music] um you've asked would speak about dating marriage and shovel wood so boy meets girl he says will you marry me she said no they lived happily ever after boy meets girl says will you marry me she said yes the end now it's a pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever so don't be afraid we're going to talk about dating and marriage the obvious connection to shovel what you tell me what's the connection so there's a there's a koopa of hasi night the jewish people how did we how did we say yes we're going to marry you and your Torah what the words were used now seven ish my excellent 10 points for gryffindor excellent so comes along the Torah and tells me not at seven ish ma so now seven ish Mar is a very interesting statement we will do and then we will listen in the sense of understanding so really does that sound like we're checking all the details of the contract or we're jumping in with trust the God you would do no wrong to us which one is it we're jumping in with trust so marriage is not a word it's a sentence you can get that all right never mind as in prison jail never mind okay so still humor so it's very good that you didn't get that that's a very good sign I personally found it very funny so some of us do relate to it okay so marriage is a very serious commitment in LA Shanna kodesh how do you say I will when you want to say I commit you don't say I want or I need to you say I will enlarge our cottage not so good as a perfect language Biblical Hebrew is perfect there are no mistakes so how do you say grammatically I will what letter do you add in front of the to say I will an eyeless olive as you know represents always represents how gems name it's the first the first time I love appears in the throughout the beginning of a word is an Elohim so says the Mahara you'll find this also they've undergone says it's on bava kamma page 55 that the first time appearance of a letter in the Torah at the beginning of word that word is the meaning of that letter the first time an Aleph appears in the Torah at the beginning of a word is an L or Kim so Elohim is the essence of allah allah kiya means the bar like oh god gulab he is the one power behind all powers when you and I put an olive in front of a word it means I will now there's nothing that you and I can say we will because we're human I will be on time well that is the traffic allows I will lose weight if the chocolate doesn't speak too loud to me um I will be a better husband or father if this child of the bristle my bottom so there are many things we say I will and we commit but we don't control because it's so many other factors so how do we have the arrogance almost got Allah to say I will and the answer is you're putting all up in front of the verb and I'll have represent a cottage barkal so what we're really saying is I will with your help accomplish anything so Ruth which is a story we tell on shovel what where's she Satan the army when an army explains to her look it's a I've got nothing to offer you I'm an embittered mother-in-law at this point and I've got no more sons and you're going to come to our chess world you're not you're not part of the Jewish people you're not going to be fully integrated and accepted what's not only what would is Ruth famous answer I will go where you go how does she say that in Hebrew LF she puts the olive in front of the word left I will go what does that mean I want to lose weight I need to lose weight I will lose weight I want to be a better husband I want to be a more loving father mother more giving spout or I will there's a big difference is it just semantics just words I want to be I need to be or I will I will says no matter how many times this relationship doesn't work out I will keep trying no matter how many times I make a mistake I will start again so the clear connection between Shabbat and marriage is that this is a serious commitment no one gets married expecting husband Shalom to end up in divorce and I will says I accept that from the moment I'm under the chuppah and the ring goes on my finger I will commit that this is my best shirt this is the e-book this is the one that was originally intended for me 40 days before I was born before I was conceived and with that I'm saying I will do whatever it takes to make this work there are very few exceptions we'll talk about it soon on the practical level of what a person should allow to get in the way of marriage but marriage is a serious commitment it really means I will do everything it takes to make this work now you and I could argue but it takes two so let me let me share with you we're going to go now into dating and you'll see why it leads into marriage but so far I think the message is very clear marriage is a commitment just like Sinai that there's no turning back what does that mean from one second before Mahmoud Hathi night one second before ma tante Iran the giving of the Torah every single Jew was not born a Jew and that's final you had to choose that lifestyle yesh Morel his mother was a phenomenal today get she was a very very great gr8 and her and his father was a Brahma Vina his mother hog I was the top student of sorry I may know and yet you smile is not counted as Jewish why not because you have to choose to be Jewish it's not enough to have Jewish parents a sub is the twin brother of Yaakov Eno and he's not Jewish when we aspired to his he attack his Marlon was Rivka how cannot be Jewish because until hi-c night you have to make a personal commitment to your loyalty to God's values but after Iceni there's no turning back it's final it's a one-way street I'm Jewish forever my soul from a Jewish mother finalizes my identity it makes no difference how many mistakes a Jew makes or have special on converts another religion doesn't change the facts on the ground here's Mishima is Jewish period so that's the parallel now let's look at dating and move into marriage and try to understand what's the process over here so ladies gentlemen I'm actually going to ask for your help I was in a hotel a number of years ago with envy her Geffen they have weekends for singles there were 96 singles 48 men 48 ladies and Friday night I had to speak about the subject the list you've heard of the list what should be on your list of what you're looking for in a husband in a wife so the men were actually on this side of the room the ladies were on this side of the room it was in the hotel wasn't the shul and I asked them what what should be on your list so they came up with all the great answers so help me what should be on the list of a man and woman looking for a civil looking to marry what should be on their list good me dot good character what else good communicator loyalty befriend a friendly love Hashem what else you looking for little louder sorry compassion sympathy modesty a giving type of personality generous hearted you agree listening empathic yes you agree with that one [Music] motherly fatherly good with children takes care of their health you want to add that to the list consider it sensitive a little louder sorry patient yeah we'll give ten out of ten for that one has a job financially responsible excellent is anything else you wanna add to the list care for each other looking out for the good of his spouse so we came up with much of what you said maybe there were a couple of others and I said you know what is there anything else you want on the list okay now I'm going to play with your imagination I'm not manipulating online size for so I'm going to ask you to play along with this what's what we're going to do you go on a date you know exactly what you're looking for you've got all these items you've got a full list a full criteria and you've got the latest app which on your smartphone underneath the coffee table as you meet this young lady this young man and there there has there your tailored list all the items you just gave sympathy empathy sensitivity generous kind listening compassionate good MoDOT modest has a good job as a it's financially responsible whenever you're looking for is on that list and you've got on this app you have a rating so you give a rating to the young manual meeting or the young lady you're meeting and the ratings from zero to ten do you follow here at least 10 is the most and to your similar your your satisfaction you're very very happy so far everything you're looking for everything you're looking for she has he has and the score you're giving him the score you're giving her is 10 out of 10 is this a good date so far do you agree okay so you can't believe your luck I mean it's like the mother's Beyond and so you go on a few more dates just to check and sure enough every every scenario you you look at this young man this young lady they fit the criteria looking for and they're scoring ten out of ten on everything no matter what you want to add they smell score ten out of ten question this is a question I threw to this audience forty eight men on one side forty eight ladies on the other would you say Mazel Tov yes or no good okay we got a few yeses anyone who said no what was what might be missing okay so if let's say you know mine was not on my list now I put it on my list I go out on another however many things it takes and you're scoring ten out of ten to give up to mine oh so let's say you add communication now to your list and you go on a few more data and you notice he or she is really very good with communication they're very clear very good lessness they they communicate with a gentle voice not with anger with patience and you give them a ten out of ten would you say Mazel Tov yes or no okay so those who say no what's it what what's missing so let's say now you put the word connection you define whatever it means for you okay and you want attraction as well again all I'm bringing out the following look whatever you haven't said add it to your list go out again and sure enough they're scoring not one or two or three out of ten not six out of ten not eight it's a ten out of ten without any question in your mind so one gentleman said I still wouldn't go out and said why not said well because you've got a click so okay so fix your click and and you go out and you click ten out of ten would you would you say Mazel Tov yes or no okay good worker Shem so now listen very carefully your schooling cannot attend to this person anyone of you who are in any doubt whatsoever listen to the following you're just so shocked that it that he and she are scoring can I depend on everything you're looking for you decide to do much more diligence and you research you check out where their parents or grandparents you check out with their nursery school teacher on the assistant and the therapist is done regression therapy going back five generations Phil Gil Ghulam and everything 10 out of 10 nobody is giving you the slightest indication that you should doubt your score you understand what I'm saying so she's called 10 out of 10 on what you're looking for he scored 10 out of 10 for what you're looking for and Mazel Tov you get married question their scoring 10 out of 10 for everything you've ever looked for equal a happy marriage yes or no interesting why not why not bring it out why not she scored 10 out of 10 on everything motherly giving listening and to say I think and he's gotten out of hand why not why won't he equal a happy marriage why not so this gentleman says you don't need each other but let's say you do need each other but and you're very good at communicating you're very respectful and whatever he needs or she needs they look out for each other and you brought out said that there are obstacles that will come up explain what does that mean you see just because you each the other one say differences are going to come up that you have never experienced before in a marriage example I'm going to give you an example from the real world actually happened I'm not going to give you too many details you should never know who I'm referring to young lady is abused by her father from childhood I'm talking about serious abuse she's now 23 years old she hasn't seen her father in ten years and a young man is is attracted to her for the following reasons she owns her own company with several employees she's doing very well she's extremely loved a she's very outgoing a happy-go-lucky type personality and as he gets to know her he's in shock that this young lady who is so positive and happy has has not spoken with our father for last 10 years because he's dangerous he physically abused I'm not going into details you can you can read between the lines and the item that attracted him the most in all her virtues was the fact that here's someone who probably had good reason to be bitter or angry or upset with God or an unhappy person and yet she's bouncing off the walls with joy she just loved life but failed being successful in her own little business and having several employees that was the main attraction if this is someone who's gone through hell on earth and bounced back and doesn't live with bitterness and anger and resentment that's a very good starting point for marriage where there's always going to be ups and downs they get married in less than a year of the marriage her father dies and she falls into depression he's blown away this is not the lady he married and he's trying to ask her what is the matter you haven't even seen your pee in him come to the wedding why are you depressed and here was her answer I never realized that deep down I was really hoping that one day he would apologize to me for all the damage and harm and I never realized that till he died I realized he will never be able to say sorry to me and I didn't realize that was missing until he died and I'm broken now could he have known that she didn't know it you see the point to bring up which is perfectly Aled is that things will happen that you and I your stealth and you could never have anticipated how you will respond until it happens true story number two young man young lady they get engaged the biggest virtue he was attracted to her for was on one of the dates it was a Shabbat and they were at a family that in the yeshivas that he belonged to in that community this was the family was very close to they had many children he brings the young lady that he's considering marrying and the children are all over her and she is she's a magnet she's so good with young children that Clint is it for him because he felt that if I'm going to have a wife who's going to be a devoted mother and loves children so much she's the mother for my children they got engaged ten months later first child is born she falls into depression why because if she was finding it very hard to feed this child nurse the child the child was rejecting her she felt rejected and she falls into a depression she doesn't want to have children for a few more years could he have known that could she have known that you seek scoring 10 out of 10 is very good but guess what what matters is not what you score or what your spouse scores before you get married what matters is not who you marry what matters is who are you entering the marriage how will you respond to differences that will come up that you can't possibly have anticipated she didn't know that she could have formed depression and reject her own child whom she felt was rejecting her and that's not uncommon it does happen it doesn't mean it's going to continue that way but what matters is not who you marry nearly as much as who are you entering the marriage true story this one has been published but not with not the full detail that I'm about to share with you which I heard from Rabbi Yaakov green was ruled heard it from the cousin ish the story half of how the hobbit time first married and why it's not published to the full detail and just getting because they were worried that it's not going to make it look good but here's here's the way I heard the story the be antabuse RAL mayor Kagan is 16 years old he comes home one day from yeshivah he was sleeping away but came home for been has money in between term-time his mother had remarried she lost her her husband and she was on a mana a widow in those days you're talking about the 1800s a widow to support herself was close to impossible without agreeing to marry almost anybody and so she remarried someone of much so to speak lower status station in life over more shall we say crude personality and with him he brought his daughter from his previous marriage he wasn't our money he had lost his wife as soon as he set eyes on the youngest romea he wanted this boy for his daughter and the Hobbit crimes mother was distraught she was completely upset about this and when you saw mayor came home she started crying and she said he said to mother what's the matter with you and she refused to say after well she couldn't control anyone she was birth to uncontrollable tears and he said mother what why are you crying and then she admitted the truth that her new husband has been putting pressure and pressure and pressure that the young israel mayor who's a child prodigies subsonic in his own right already and a town with her from someone who will easily marry someone of status that will help with a dowry and help support he is someone that is is grooming for leadership and she didn't want to hear of this it was a terrible suggestion and she knew it was it let me dot and i don't to go into detail it was not for her son so she told him the truth that her new husband is putting all this pressure on her what was early so mayor's response the young covet cryin mother why are you crying I'll marry her and he did and he still became the cover time that I was told to me you see the point is really the falling who you marry is not nearly as important as who are you entering in the marriage because if I try to talk if I try to change my husband if I try to change my wife yes very funny do you know anybody who successfully changed their husband or their wife by trying to change them or make the question much easier do you know anybody in real history who succeeded in changing their husband or their wife I hoping to change them and the answer is it never happened nobody changes anybody the only way to truly change someone's not by force cajoling nagger therapy as I call it no it doesn't work the only way that works is when we change ourselves they respond to a different earth when we become more respectful listening empathic patient giving generous understanding when we become more forgiving that a biggie when we demonstrate our loyalty through thick and thin or for some of us through thick and thick that's when they change in response to a different us so therefore even if someone does score 10 out of 10 it doesn't equal a perfect marriage because there's no such thing the only thing that you and I control is how we deal with the differences and this brings us to marriage itself Shalom buy it what an interesting expression Shalom you know translates correctly as peace but what is the word Shalom recessional cottage is perfect that means when you you put the word under the microscope turn up the magnitude of the letters and you put the letters together they will reveal to you the mechanics of Shalom of real peace see what's a three-letter root of Shalom Charlene what I shall let me hold complete when if it was complete now and now its whole what was it before it was complete incomplete Oh so Shalom Shalom really means different parts complementing each other till it becomes completed do you follow that's equal Shalom this is brought in many smaran likutey Muharram from rebbe nachman of breslev interrup a I think he brings it the eCos column is when your mckubre sneha fake him you fuse together you combine together to opposites he brings from the Torah which when it first talks about two opposites coming together Rashi brings us right to the beginning the Torah some Mayan oseh shalom be me Roma I then you make peace up there above central meaning is you bring two opposites together and create peace between ash fire from the ball of fire called the local Sun and Lorien water on the oceans and you bring them together through gravity and wind and you bring the evaporated water in the form of rain clouds and now sham mayim chayim is made up of three combination of words the world h-has letter Alif at the beginning and there the olive is a silent letter shamayim says the Gemara in Haditha dam you'd bet that she minds made up of two words Shammai ms h & maíam you got fire and water frying water how do you get fire water to coexist oh says a college bar oh cool that's making Shalom Shalom is when you put two opposites together and you create a whole new entity sure mom how do you get it up there Sean mind's made up of another two words over there is water how to get there Sam I am it lifted up from word elevate summons elevate so this these this one word shall mine was made up of three combinations of Asia mine and charmed mine and South Mayan or - Shalom he makes peace between them the real peace is when we're the same and similar and that's real peace or is real peace when people are not the same not the similar very different and still get along because they're respectful living listening understanding compassionate sensitive everything that you said is what I have to strive to bring to the marriage and no matter how many times I fall and I will make lots of mistakes I will all up in front of commit to making this marriage work also marriage is not about how similar we become and less different and I'll prove it to you I was speaking about as most about seven eight years ago in Kutcher's you've heard of Kutcher's I love a solemn so encouragers in the catskill yeah I know it's no longer there Gateway's had seminars for piss off and in column I'd rabbi Becker about at myself we would rotate going to the Kutcher's from Stanford Connecticut because they had they were holding two programs so in Holland my place I went to coaches and about 400 people in the audience I think the average age was about 107 I don't know whether there was one lady there by weight was various coochie 104 years old really all there someone asked what's special about your age she said no peer pressure so I would say the average age was probably closer to 75 80 but you know what's interesting I think there's 400 people in this room and let's say the average ages is 50 the ladies are quite happy with that so any accountant taken or if you've got your smartphone if you could quickly do the math what is 400 times 50 but if you want to take a vote one think about spending 120 thousand ladies gentlemen here was my question I asked an audience of 400 people I said to them do you realize in this room there are 20,000 years of a cumulative life experience that's amazing actually was much more but I was pretending it's 50 as the average age you're 50 or 50 or 50 times 400 is 20,000 so my questions them and they're people in that room have been married 60 plus years there were people in the room have been through the first world war a second world war there are they've been around there's nothing that you're going to shock them with they've seen everything pain and suffering everything you can imagine and when I asked them what will make two people happy in marriage and their twenty thousand years of a cumulative life experience I gave them two options will it be that over many years of marriage we become more and more similar like each other and less different and that's what's going to make us happy in our marriage or is option number two not how similar we become and less different over the years but rather how we deal with the differences how we respond to the differences when there is a difference will it be with love appreciation admiration understanding gratitude love respect empathy sensitivity everything that you said Plus how many people in that room said happiness in marriage is number one how similar my husband becomes like me how less different I am to him and that's what's going to make us happy how many people zero is that extraordinary twenty thousand years all right that's that's four times more many fives five times more than human history there's nobody on planet earth who's going to say after looking back on their lives the what matters the most is how similar we are and less different because that's not where it's at because Charlaine doesn't mean same it means Charlaine it means differences coal existing Asian Marty him could be opposite and still people Shalom so now here's the question we're living in a time in history where there's probably never been more information about dating and marriage than any other time in world history books tapes CDs seminars professionals am i exaggerating there's never been a time in world history with so much information on the dynamics of male-female am i exaggerating was that absolutely accurate what do you think that logic would dictate that since we have so much information so many seminars so much in print so much to listen to on the subject of dating and marriage we must be experiencing the best marriages in world history and I think there would be a fairly logical expectation but does that bear true in reality no we probably never in world history have so much pain associated with marriage how is that possible how did that happen so there are there's lots of reasons and a lot of them are really seriously valid one of them is commitment shovel what marriage is not an option of our make it work if it's not too hard I'll make it work as long as he doesn't press my buttons too much or she doesn't press my buttons too much because now where's the focus on what I'm bringing to the relationship or your performance and what we're saying is even if they score 10 out of 10 on everything that we're looking for in the ideal imagination it still is not reality because the reality is always not you but Who am I in the relationship so comes along a cottage bar who and he gives us the clue that this is the truth right at the beginning of creation of man because that's where you're going to get all the clues to the whole profile of menon and woman marriage because that's where he describes the creation of man and woman and right there you're going to see the words scream' out what we've just concluded the marriage for it to be happy is more about who I am entering the marriage not who the other person so someone of the caliber of the covets higham is capable of saying I'm not worried about marrying someone who's not like me of of the same because guess what if I treat her with a lot of love and admiration and appreciation and giving and respect guess what's going to happen what will happen will that person starts muttering and take advantage or will they feel oh my gosh you genuinely appreciate me even when I make mistakes you're forgiving and listening and give another chance and be done half good and you're always looking for a favorable interpretation for my mistakes what's going to happen combine a Panama Panama just like waters reflect your facial expressions without any deviation cane leather add an atom so is the mind and heart of one person to another if you really want to change your spouse says Lamar malar cane labor Adam Ladd um if I really want to change you then guess what just like waters reflect my facial expressions what I'm thinking and feeling is what you're going to think and feel so if I really want to change you where should I begin what am I saying to myself up here that affects what I feel about you that's where I need to begin because that's the only starting place and as long as I blame my wife my husband I gave you away and I start giving you a list of all that you messed up it's all your fault you're just like your father so didn't mean to wake you up I'm sorry a big bun so when when I accuse and blame when I complain and deny when I give excuses a accused be blamed see complained Eden ie give excuses it's the ABCDE of getting out of responsibility for changing the only person I was created to change and God says it right at the beginning of the Quran Lou told hayaat Adam live at all it's not good for man to be alone ASL or is their connector I will therefore make for him and as a a partner someone who's going to assist in their growth connector against him opposite him comes along the Torah look carefully it does not say law Todd Liat Adam livid or what hayaat mean versus Leon means to be alone hayaat you can translate as lonely but actually hayaat is a verbal noun that means to say it's what you're being right now the difference between Li hot livid or to be alone that's referring to when I don't have company I don't have people to share my life with my dreams my disappointments to empathize with me to be joyous and celebrate with me when things go right and cry when I'm in pain that Leo's livid or but God doesn't say that he says Lord hey hey it means I'm alone without myself I don't know me and the only way I can really know me is if God helps me by giving me a spouse a husband a wife that's going to be like a mirror so I get to see me Oh close up with all the kinks in my armor and the slight deviations in my personality are going to show up in the mirror it's not good for a person to be alone where he doesn't know himself that's terrible not to do myself that I can't be alone myself I got to be connected to my text and my iPhone and my smartphone and the screen and on the phone and on Shabbat if it wasn't for prayers and the rituals of kaduche and the meal and socializing maybe what would happen if I was really alone for a few minutes would I get fidgety or would I enjoy my company enjoy myself and in that enjoyment sense gratitude for who we are as Jews lot of hey Adam Nevada means God says I have put you in this world to become a to deke it's a decade and I decided I'm going to make it easy for you I'm going to give you a coach who's going to help you along the way and here's her name is husband and wife and if we're really blessed to get a few more coaches to help us become Sonny Kim he sends us children ah you thought marriage was hard oh my god anyone here who has teenagers will understand why some animals eat their young are pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever please I really love kids don't get me wrong I just made my finish making my entire house childproof but they're still getting in now don't get me ride we do like kids someone smiles Artem's I ever hit my kid never never ever hit my kid except in self-defense look if you thought marriage was not easy ha ha ha try raising children comes along the color Sparkle and says I'm going to make your life a bit easier now I'm putting you in a world where you're going to go for a gold medal in the righteous Olympics because the moment your neshama was about to enter your body it refused point-blank I'm not entering and God says why not and then ishyama says because if the body I enter does are they wrote I might come back to you when I die when the body dies I'll come back to you worse than when I came because what I'm entering pure but I'm going to come out with all sorts of stains on my don't send me and the chances of me coming up your are less likely and God says I'm you have to go in and he makes me make a shovel wa a promise an oath Kiat Sadiq the Altea Russia be righteous don't be not righteous and so Cara Sparkle says but I'm going to help you along the way marriage children not always an easy boss not an always easy neighbor not always easy grandchildren not always easy father or mother in-law sorry just swallowing just one anxiety further in-law he brewed our friend co-worker clients have you covered everybody a goddess bar Louise in the business not of hurting us but helping us become the best we can become and when I blow it losing my patience I blow it not being as loyal as I should be I blow it with anger I blow it with not listening and being empathic what is God - says you know don't worry I'll give you another chance so he sends into the room a few seconds later the same person who just press for my botton to give me another chance to flex my righteous muscles and become phor deke we're in this world to improve ourselves and marriage is an accelerator and it's not about who I marry nearly as much as who are we entering the marriage I'm going to close on a few practicals much of which I took actually from the 10 commandments of marriage from rabbi victor miller of blessed memory and he told us and it was very this is really important to know number one stay focused on what matters the most ripp here famous story he quotes from the Gemara in vomit some gimel where appear the great rib here repeal was was considered greater even than remain Ricardo's Rubino goddess admitted that the deeds of repeal was greater than his rabbinic Ollis wrote the Mishnah he saved the doors of our breath and yet he would say that over up here it appear was a phenomenal personality he's once walking through the marketplace with his nephew the famous rug rusk was his nephew they mentioned in the camera all the time rapira had a wife who was very abusive in public she would disdain put him down embarrass him frequently and it was to the chagrin and and and humiliation of his own students and his children and yet while he's walking through the marketplace repear is busy finding something that he knows his wife would enjoy he buys it wrapped it up in his scarf takes it home and Rob his nephew and student says remaineth everyone knows that my aunt your your wife is really really tough why are you looking out for some what why why are you buying her something do you know what his answer was his answer by the way was generic he didn't give an answer for how he deals with marriage he gave an answer that's generic to everybody he said there are two reasons to virtues my wife has that for those two alone I owe her my love and respect and therefore everything else is drowned out by these two virtues they're so big what are they daiei no it's enough she gladly no it's bunny know that you go through childbirth pregnancy childbirth I was not always easy labour and soggy dope on him and raising that child she's the one who's the most affected by bringing children to the world most connected to the child that is emotionally connected to the ups and downs of that child now you know it's enough for us to love our wives alone just because they go through what they go through and bringing our children into the world or marceline room in our heads and they save us from looking at other women that I might otherwise do because my wife provides what the famous expression pod pistol or bread in the basket kaval tell us many times our sages remind us that someone who's hungry because he is fasting and has no food in the refrigerator to break his fast is suffer much more than someone that is fasting but there's food in the fridge rater funny pigs the fast it's an expression that a husband and wife - even though they've got differences but in the bedroom they are loyal to each other they don't use the bedroom as leverage against each other that's it their bedroom no such thing comes in long rib here and says for these two items alone raise our children and number to provide that a husband and wife are in the area of intimacy they are giving to each other and not holding back and therefore God forbid the husband doesn't get starved and has to look how special I'm elsewhere he would be one for doing that but says repear those two items alone drown out completely anything else she might do wrong and therefore it's not he's in denial of when she's not that nice even in public is so focused on the good that matters the most so number one says rabbi a big Tamila never use the bedroom as leverage against one spouse never say that's it I'm not going to the mixer this month never say I'm so angry with you I'm not sleeping in the same room says arbic de melon no matter what the differences are stay in the bedroom because it has official on husband wife separate from that room it has fish on could be the beginning of a bigger separation don't go there and if one has done it apologize and don't do it again those are by Victor Miller I'm just going to say it once keep parents and law out of your marriage don't share with them information about differences between you it's very hard for a father or mother to stay impartial neutral without taking a position and it's usually only a matter of time it might be months it might be yours and then they they take aside and they can take aside way way too far don't invite other people including parents and parents-in-law into what's going on in your marriage marriage whatever differences are belong between husband and wife if they can't set up between them so go to your local rabbi go to someone who's got a reputation as a professional but don't share with neighbors don't share with friends unless these are friends who you know are going to be there to support both of you but not take sides it's very hard not to take sides comes along Rabbi Victor Millar he says no matter what the differences are don't let the routine of marriage stop what does that mean don't let in don't let differences mean right that's it I'm not going to work today well the routine of marriage you go to work for a family that's it no more bedroom that's it I'm not making meals no the routine of marriage continues says our by Victor Miller where do we learn this from we are supposed to emulate a goddess barkal Hashem now does I shall ever have reason to be slightly upset with us when Letty I can't believe it how many times you read yourself don't speak loshon hora and then is where are your mouth you know what that's it I can't take it anymore no gravity for you for a week well now white why does God wake me up the next morning why does he keep giving us another chance why doesn't he just slap us straight away no sunshine no gravity no rainfall no is Hashem said look I've got a contract it's called a marriage and in my married contract gravity rain fall sunshine are given that's the routine of life so even when you mess up I'm going to keep my part of the contract now the second paragraph of grinch map you'll see that there is such a thing as it has two sort of collectively people don't keep my shams comments but the it could affect the rain but I'm just bring out a very simple point here the routine the marriage bus continue comes along rabbi Victor Melanie offers if I make a mistake I apologize when not if when I make a mistake what should I do ASAP as soon as possible apologize appease the other person and what should that other person do when we apologize or bring a gift or try to appease them what should they do forgive accept the appeasement says rabbi Victor Miller where do we learn that from from a cottage borrow cool where do we learn that so we quote the Gemara in you ma da Samak tests which tells us her massage had been a no-show Havilah someone who is appeased by the wine of his friend they got into a tiff they had a sixth look a conflict between them and the one of them felt bad and brought a bottle of wine to appease his friend what should you do take the wine door to drinks make lahar him and be beshal on me assert says the Gemara huh massage he began of shock aveiro someone who allows himself to be appeased by the wine of his friend yesh Lomita article nor he has the mindset of his creator shanem are as we learned from Noah Noah came out of the Teva he came out of the ark he sees total destruction and he falls on his knees onto the ground in uncontrollable tears and says to the burnished illallah mast of the universe why didn't you have rather him on your creation there was total silence known tweets of any birds there were no noise of any animals no children playing complete utter silence of destruction and a college bar who says back to Noah no and should tear you foolish shepherd when I first told you I'm going to destroy the world you were a technique you did what you were told built an ark you want a Hasid you didn't go beyond being a Siddiq you didn't beg me to save the world why now I'll start destroyed it now you're saying why didn't I have Robin so the insinuation the hint was who was responsible for the destruction the highly prayed then a shame would have saved the world you understand the insinuation no off by the way had a very good self-esteem and he responded in virtual arm I thought about that but it appeared to me that the generations were the generation was so wicked they would not have deserved your Ottoman so I didn't I didn't pray for them you know Russians answer us you're right they were so wicked that your tepee lot would have not helped to save the world but there's no such thing as wasted tefillah I would have held your prayers in escrow for a future generation and you as the Saddiq of that generation should have played for them now what does not do what's the next thing it does Parrothead what does he do before he got drunk that imperative woody to America he makes him his bear and he brings Cod but not to appease Hashem was a sham say Hashem smelt the rainy hora the sweet smelling fragrance of the offering and a Shem makes a promise on the spot what's the promise I will never destroy the world again says the Gemara what is that Shem teaching us because Hashem has no nose I shouldn't smell Hashem doesn't need other people's offerings says Rambam whenever the Torah describes God in human terms it's always describing how we're supposed to get along with each other because God doesn't have any description of an outstretched arm God doesn't see with eyes he sees without eyes Hashem doesn't need ears to listen he hears everything without ears he knows what's going on in our minds without any other technology Hashem describes himself in human terms so we can learn how to be with each other Hashem smells the sweet smelling fragrance of this barbecue steak and he says I'm never going to bring a muddle again destruction to the world through a flood says rob a big de Milla next time husband and wife have a slight difference between them and a few sharp words go between them and then the wife what does she do makes his favorite steak and he comes into the kitchen okay so people think oh okay okay and he starts eating it what is reaction be don't try and bribe me I know this is just sick I'm an idiot says how can a sparkle if someone makes a gesture of Shalom to come together with the differences don't reject it accept the appeasement so what he should do is eat the steak Oh delicious you know what I uh I really apologize for those sharp words I said before I'm still writing you're wrong but I really apologize for you think it's not about right or wrong you can still believe what he wants to believe but he's got to apologize and mean it and want to get back to Shalom and if she's the first one could she smarter for making the gesture and providing his favorite food he should immediately take advantage of that appeasement and be appeased good God says if you accept the gesture of someone else to make Shalom you've got my mindset because that's what I promised Noah I didn't need a stake it means nothing to me to smell but I'm teaching mankind whenever there's a difference look for the first opportunity to be appeased and the other person should grab it make peace as soon as possible Shana reshawna first year of marriage says rabbi baba of blessed memory last 15 years the first year marriage lasts 15 years it takes a long time to iron out the differences and even then it's not the differences it's how well we respond how listening giving respectful apologetic kind less sharp less accusative less blaming less complaining less denying less excusing until eventually we don't use the ABCDE accusing blaming complaining denying accusing to get out of responsibility for changing the only person you and I were created to change our very selves there's more to be said on this important subject I will share with you you may have heard this one before I'm not sure the Mossad was looking for a new assassin who's going to be going to dangerous places and getting rid of our one or two enemies and a thousand candidates our screen amongst them out from ladies as well and finally it comes down to three people two men and one lady first man walks in and the Mossad secret police give him a gun and I say in that room over there sitting on a chairs your wife go inside shoot and kill her he looks at them said are you here you're mine I'm Erik with you don't kill my wife didn't get out of here obviously don't have what it takes they call in a second candidate to be the top assassin for the Mossad and I give him a gun and they tell him wrong as your wife sitting on a chair take this gun go inside shouldn't kill her he takes the gun he walks about three steps because it what my mother bye children up I can't do this you don't have a metal get out of here so they calling the lady and they give her a gun she they say it sitting in that room on a chair is your husband go inside she'll kill him she takes the gun walks inside the room close the door bang aah crash bang off oh it's closed she comes out on screaming this feeling going with filled with blanks I hadn't beat him to death for the chair now what's it good to do a marriage don't ever let it get that bad marriage is a sham design for us to grow with our differences it's not about changing anybody it's about being more loving appreciative giving even when not if even when you don't like their parenting the way they rather finances choice of clothes hair style or whatever it is it makes no difference it's not the differences that force people apart it's not being able to handle the differences that force people apart in the hood in the merit of knowing that Shaolin is coexistence of the differences is not being the same and in the mayor of knowing there's no such thing as ten out of ten all the time the person I have to be focused on is not my husband wife changing or my teenager or my kids the person I need to be completely focused on is Who am I in this marriage Who am I in the dating process because that's the person who's bringing value to the relationship that eventually the other person will say oh my gosh this husband this wife is so good to me and so loving and giving even when they make a mistake other apologize or aya please he accepts and we learn to get along with the differences in that hood maybe the ones who fulfill the Zohar which says one show of Chillon is enough to bring the Messiah it's a sad statement the sad statement it oh it would only take just one jewel of ten people to be pass on them to bring Monsieur who knows maybe maybe it's this sure but in the suit of knowing that we're making Shalom in our own homes with our children with our spouses we should be so head to all Hashem's blessings who says I want to bless you with everything I've got but three-masted bracha is Shalom God that your [Applause]