A talk to mothers of special needs children Yaldei Shluchei Harebbi, Rabbi Yossi Paltiel -5784

has a lot of questions people call me people call the office people call and we thought of none other that that can maybe address some of these questions um I think the most fitting person for such a job would be especially after he released a two-part video I hope you all saw it about parenting parenting a child with special needs um we asked to come present and try to answer some of the questions that we had that we post him that some mothers post them before event okay hello everybody sh I do inside in case you don't know and I do Q&A we did talk at two parts on special needs children which is how I ended up here my uh qualification to talk to you is the fact that many years ago my wife and I lost a child who lived almost four years everybody's situation is different everybody's situation is different obviously and the underlying issue I the underlying issue more than anything else is how how do we do this what am I how am I going to do it before we get to moods and amuna how am I going to do this so uh I guess on some level I'm a kindred spirit I belong to that club I once spoke for Friendship Circle friendship C is my nephew Bal jusy is my sister's son so they did a evening and I came and I spoke to the women and uh many parents came and including people that I knew and after my talk a neighbor of mine came over to me and says you know Rabbi I really wish I wasn't so special you know people that go through these tests are special they are we are you are these uh this join us these tests are awesome and if they don't don't destroy us they make us Giants and we all wish we could stay midgets we literally we all wish we could remain little tiny people and not have to deal with these realities the good news and the bad news about God is that he's not replacing him anytime soon there's one and he's in charge he's always been in charge and he will always be in charge and he knows what's best for each of us in his own and this is the situation that he put us in and this is how we uh I guess we approach Our Lives I don't think anybody in this room would disagree with the fact at whatever age in our lives we are these tests uh mature us they sober us they really really make us appreciate what's really really important you know we're leiters we sell what's important for a living we're we sell what's important for a living and all of a sudden what's important becomes real becomes very real and um as much as we don't want as much as we prefer not to have it it does an enormous amount into growing us up and as as a man I may say even growing our husbands up which is a very very big as spoken by a man these kinds of things really make us appreciate what's real and what's important and what needs to be done and um if you think I have any answers I don't have any answers if I came into this room with answers you tell me gave question I don't need answers this is really it's really sitting together and sharing if no other purpose other than to share to talk and um that's somehow helpful and useful even though the answers are very complex they're not simple at all and uh we do what we have to do we do what we have to do and as theb says we do it one of my favorite stories with theb one of my favorite stories with theb is that uh in the 1970s about 50 years ago a came to the an El I don't know who this man was I I read the story inima many many years ago and he told the reab that he doesn't he's not so good with America he''s been in America since the war at that point it was close to 30 years and the American yish K American is not for him and by the way 50 years ago was a lot closer to what it was in the old country than now and he said to the I don't know how to navigate how I can't handle the new version of it all and the reab said to him in yish which means in English the said to him what do you think I wouldn't prefer it to be when lived when T rolled in the streets but the able to put me in this generation I'm going to do what needs to be done now and I'm going to do it and this is our goal to do what we need to do now no matter how difficult it is I'm going to do it with joy so I'm here to answer questions and the overall answer to all your questions is I don't know I don't I have enough I'm smart enough to know that I don't know you know how long it takes a man to learn that so what's the point what's the world is a big point because even when not knowing is knowing and sometimes not knowing is more than knowing um so this is a conversation you you wrote me some very powerful questions some very very powerful questions and I try and some of the questions came in late so I I couldn't order them but I tried to put the questions in the order of that I wish to talk to these questions but uh you know when people came to the deba with these kinds of issues when the people came to the Deb with these kinds of issues what did the do what did the he came to the with the kind of issues and the saw problems every day swam in a sea of tus and you know we're coming now from the yard of the and the Sea of that the swam and she swam with him and she always complained about the fact that deprived the of the good news the bavis and how difficult it is is you know even with theis a person told me cl my uncle he told me the got 400 letters a day 400 letters day which he opened by himself each letter so there was letters of bavis there was letters of yeah but at least half at least half we we're paying questions and when the got these letters from what we know I mean what we don't know we don't know what we know for the most part de gave practical instruction the didn't speak to the emotion the didn't speak to the why he spoke to the what and often times it was quite strong you know I know of a person who was very upset about their lot in life and they wrote to the Reb and the Reb said this is what needs to be done and they wrote to the Reb a second time I didn't ask what needs to be done I asked you why and the Reb said now you can't ask why there's work to be done do it and it was a very tough pill for that person particularly was a very very tough pill and there are two reasons why there two reasons why I think the addresses the question from a practical perspective number one because this what you need to do and number two that's the only way to approach the why it really is the idea that first I'm going to feel and then I'm going to do as Americans we know how bankrupt that is what America is all about first I'm going to feel and then I'm going to do and you never get around anything cuz you're waiting for the right mood and you do what you have to do you do what you have to do as painful as it is and somehow in that doing there's a little healing a little healing and maybe even maybe even a drop of wisdom maybe even a Dr of insight but this is what theb teaches and he's a smart guy the you know he's very very he doesn't only know everything that's happening in the heavens he understands us in our lives and our and he very very much responds to our situation in the way that's best for us even when it may seem to us like he's skipping steps when he goes past the empathy to the direct instruction it's this is how you give empathy from the Reb's perspective I tell people all the time the rebba could be as tough as he was because we knew that he loved us you know another person does that we feel very unappreciated felt but the Reb very often told us what to do then rather than explain why because this is the only way to to this what we have to do and to some degree maybe it gets us to a little a little managing it emotionally and perhaps even so I I have this list of questions that you wrote and none of you have any mercy on me at all the questions are powerful and but some of the questions many women asked it's interesting I got the same question for five or six different ladies and I my heart melts Mish and I try to structure I I rearrange the order that I received the questions in in in the order in which I wish to talk to them I I I'm up against the two o00 wall is what I'm figuring so um I'll try to touch on some of these points a little bit there's no answers here people there's no answers it's AO this is a conversation this is a discussion and uh I hope I hope I lift you up really I hope I I I don't make you sadder that's not helpful right nobody needs that you didn't come in for that and if something that's practical comes out of it that'll be a miracle That'll be amazing so the first issue is uh our spouse right spousal support spousal support is a huge thing as well supporting each other in the journey is the first point I wish to talk to um in my experience in my experience one of the most difficult things to do is to go through this kind of anov is with somebody else and the the place where you sort of can identify so directly is when it comes to decision making you know some have to make decisions decisions that affect you decisions that affect your whole family decisions that affect y they're their lifetime decisions and you can't make them twice and there's no trial and error you know you make this decision you got to stick with it whatever the decision is keep a child home don't keep a child home move to a different city not move to a different city I don't need to tell you and when there's two of you and you don't agree it's very difficult cuz there's no gr it's one of the most poignant moments in my life where wife and I had to make a decision and we disagreed and and the the the the Wis the wisdom that you got for the wise people is one of you is going to be wrong one of you is not going to get what they want you can't do it in a way that's going to please both of you and you're talking about something very deep and very real and very po personal and very emotionally costly I'm not going to tell you who we listen to but I it's something which I think about often and it's it's one of the most important pieces of wisdom was a situation that if I hadn't had the situation I wouldn't have had to face it and um it's just life sometimes you have to make a decision and you can only do it one way you cannot do it both ways and uh you hopefully make the right decision and you hopefully forgive each other whatever it is you disagree about hopefully you forgive each other because this I can tell you for sure and I believe this with my whole heart I teach I teach girls and boys I teach B and girls teach my seven Seminary girls and we do Q&A in seminary with the girls and QA with the boys I put up Q&A online but I never put the Q&A that I do with the girls and boys online because I I want to keep my job what happens in the classroom I do separate Q&A to put online where I'm much more in control but we got into a conversation with the girls and the girls were a bit surprised but I told them what I believe I believe that according to T in a family the most important thing is the couple and ultimately it comes before everything the you and him that's the root that's the anchor of the family and sometimes you have to make big sacrifices to keep that together I equated to the spoke of a of a wheel a wheel has many you know a bicycle wheel has many little spokes many sticks and at the sented there's an axle and the axle has to be fixed it can't be shaking the axle of of every home is the husband and the wife is the unit and sometimes there are situations that are incredibly emotional and you have disagreements and the disagreements could be you know about things as Petty as you feel like the other person isn't carrying their share the load for example and uh I believe that t believes that the center of every home is him and the hers the Mis and the MS is a couple because the greatest thing we give our children the greatest thing we give our children is our love to our spouse is our Union with our other because that's their security their security their safety the space in which they grow up where that makes them not be afraid of life that makes them look at the world through positive eyes rather than through negative eyes is our home and our home is me and my husband or me and my wife and um in general you know couples live together and over time you know you accept each other you look away at certain things you don't look away at certain other things and when you have moments like these we have these kind of challenges everything is heightened everything is harder and everything is much more serious and you have to I think you have to put your husband first I told this to the Seminary girls and the girls got really upset and the girls gave me a hard time theam would not have thought twice about it and I was actually what did you tell the their wife I trust me if all the B heard said to the you'd be happy but but I talk to a certain kind of I teach in called it's different kind of yes we have different kind of conversations that you're allowed to have in um I was actually very impressed with the wisdom of the girls they talked about situations I was very surprised that single girls raise the kinds of questions that normally people raise from the experiences of living like what do you mean how H how you know my husband and my kids it's it's it's a very very difficult uh deal and every rule has exceptions I mean this rule particularly has exceptions but um this is my understanding this is my experience for sure it's my understanding that the best thing we can do for everybody involved including our situation is not drift apart because you know very well and this you read in all the psychology books that EST strange couples challenges of life causes couples to drift apart even if they don't mean to it's just you're busy and it's a big mistake it's a big mistake because this is this is the anchor it's the anchor of our children it's the anchor of our home it's the anchor of our Tas and really ultimately it's our anchor and you know I know guys pretty well because I'm a guy I'm not a woman and men and women are very different and um you have to know how to dial a man's number to get him to pick up the phone you know it's a trick it's you have to know how to do it but you have to figure it out oh a woman told me a story I'm sorry for doing this but there's nothing trivial about this a lady comes to my classes she's a smart girl she tells me a story she lost her wallet lose your wallet and call up your husband yeah so she says I lost my wallet and all my credit cards and don't ask so I didn't call out my husband I lost my wall because knew what was going to happen I called him up I say you know I'm so ashamed of myself I really I'm embarrassed to tell you what happened what happened I can't tell you none to tell me what happened anyway he was so helpful cuz she knew how a dial his number if you tell your husband you lost your your W you get a lecture you tell your husband I'm ashamed and I'm embarrassed I need help M wants to help you I said where' you learn that when you learn that trick but this is this is the game you know this you're all married to man you know the game if at all possible if it all possible I agree with this to go through life in general a couple gets you get married and you get closer and closer over a time because of the don't forget that don't say I'm busy don't be a martyr you know I think that's one of the things don't I'm busy you have this is this is the foundation of how we deal with life and with challenges and in the end I think unless you're really m a lemon and they're not you know guys are guys but not all of them are lemons you know some of them are uh useful in many ways um and we have to we have to put that we have to remember that value because in the end it in the end it's right in the end we see in hindsight you want to do things as a couple you want to lean on one another you have bad days he has bad days you want to work it through together and um and I agree I agree that it's it's an it's someone that has to be in general in life and especially when you have difficulties to do it together and you have to make him get involved I mean you know this you have to make him get involved you have to make him pick up the phone and uh with love not with anger with love and um if you can if you do that to any degree of success I think it'll be a lot easier on you even if all gives you as emotional support and I'm sure he does much more than that uh I I think it's very very important uh number two how do you speak to the guilt inside of you with your busy life other children that you aren't doing enough you know it stands in the at wonder if you're giving enough [Music] you know when they gives us tests it's not our fault do you know that when the aish get a test we didn't do it he did it life he did we were players in his world he's the boss he does what he wants and we respond we react we engage in the life that he gave us and as much as we think you know when we're young and getting married we think we're in charge wow we think we're in charge right but we learn quite quickly that we're in charge of nothing except our own imagination and the imagination fluts away with that terrible disease called reality we're not in charge abish is in charge and um when we're never allow to forget that we didn't do this we didn't do this he did it we're trying our best we're dealing with it he did this you know you know whoever wrote this question you know the answer to this question the answer is do your best but obviously doing your best doesn't feel right it doesn't feel adequate it doesn't feel right I taught T the boys for many years I'm not going to help you with this but I'm just going to talk a little more on I taught boys t for many many years and in chapter 31 P there's a few quotable quotes it actually says this word in the [Music] T direct quote me I did not create myself I think once in a while we need to tell ourselves that an me we didn't create this we deal with it we deal with it to the best of our limited ability and that's all the abish expects it's all the aish that expects you know I I reached the point in my life we let me let me say this okay we we many many years ago we lost a child okay and since then our life has been a bowl of roses we've never had another problem all of our kids are angels they're socially Adept they get perfect March in school they're so easy to marry right no what can I tell we're all living in the same world we're all going through you know a man quoted me on Friday and I I was so happy to hear it a doctor in this neighborhood says me you know Rabbi I often quote when you said I said what did I say he said you said you know I have a lot of problems but every one of my problems is from a if I didn't have any kids I wouldn't have any problems probably except i''d be boring and lonely and angry and prematurely old which I'm anyway that so I so I take them that's how it is this is this is what we got every once in a while we should tell ourselves I I didn't do this I'm dealing with this in his infinite wisdom we all appreciate that is smarter than us and knows better we didn't do this we try our best that's all we can do is try our best and to so what I wanted to say say is it sounds so obvious but for me it wasn't so obvious you know you live life and you have one Challenge and a second Challenge and a third Challenge and a fourth Challenge and you you the way I say it as a man is and I I guess on some level it's true of women also because it's an American thing not just a man thing is you want to be in charge you know in America there's 10 commandments the fir I have a copy of it at home by the way if you want I can send it to you the first the 10 commandment is I am God my God there shall be no God to me other than myself those are the first two Dias I'm in charge I make my life I make it all happen I I I choose I plan and exactly what I choose and exactly what I plan is exactly how it plays out right so when you're starting your life when I got married I was full of confidence why I'm in charge you're not even in charge of you why not enj I mean you're not of anything but that's what you think you're a little kid and then life comes and you realize more and more and more that you don't have first you're not in charge and you don't need to be in charge and then you learn another form of being in charge it's altogether another type of being in charge which is acceptance one of the hardest thing in the world is to accept I you know the hardest person to accept yourself forget about your husband and he's a yourself you look in the mirror and what do you see I don't like this and I don't like this and I don't like this I don't like this the abish he's a smart guy and created this I didn't make this and life doesn't give you a choice life doesn't give you a choice you resist you want to stay in charge you want to stay and as long as you stay in charge you're wound up like a like a like a top that's about to spin this so much stress so much tension and when you start to realize all I got to do is accept my kids aren't perfect my kids aren't what I want them to be uh my shabas table does not look the way I envisage it to look the way it used to be with my older children who are now married out of the house that's just way it goes I'm not bad I'm not negligent I'm doing my best this is the reality of the situation and um is it easy to accept it's very hard to accept that's why the question is being asked I suffer guilt I feel like I'm not doing anything well because I'm spread so thin can't do much properly can't look at my other children properly can't look to my husband properly can't look to the child that I'm preoccupied with I can't take care of myself properly it's a bunch of I can't can't can't can't it's all true and the truth is the real real truth is it is about acceptance and first of all it's POS acceptance of our limit ations if my limitations don't allow me to do this better it's not expected of me Hashem gave me the situation Hashem gave me this child Hashem gave me this husband Hashem gave me these children Hashem gave me this what I'm doing is exactly how it's supposed to be and it's not easy to accept it's not but it's literally mamish in the last few years that this idea I'm almost 60 I I think I'm older than most of the people in this room maybe I'm wrong but I uh I have my glasses off and uh I I believe I'm older than most of the people in this room it's been only recently that it's become so clear to me that if you you know you let they say in the 12 step let let go and let God and I lost it's it's really I don't have to car the where of the world on my shoulders I have to do what I need to do I don't even have to worry about it but that's very hard to do it's very hard to do but it's it's a piece of wisdom that we all need to put into our brains and let it percolate down from our mind into our lives that I all I can do is my best all I can do is my best and that's good enough because that's all the abish expects of me it's all the Reb expects of me and it's really all I should expect of myself and has do the rest hasem has do the rest now the questions go from Heart to Heart are you understand questions typ for other children not to be resentful of the attention and Havoc needed for and because of their sibling I mean this is you know if it's hard enough to include your husband in this Paradigm how do you include the kids again if anybody thinks they came here for answers you got the wrong guy and maybe if I don't give answers that makes me the right guy because anybody who knows what to do doesn't know what he's talking about it's so personal and so complicated and so day by day it is it's life this is not this not a MIM this is life so I just want to tell you this I I know people who are struggling with uh children with special needs I know more than one or two and I know different types I know people who are destroyed by it absolutely destroyed they they they walk around cron you look in their faces they just they're absolutely destroyed by it and then you see other couples who have figured out how to include their child in their home with their child's limitations in a way that that child becomes a source of a lot of the cheer in that home there's different kinds of needs special needs children and everybody's situation is different some of them are angry some of them are angry and some of them are frustrated some of them are destructive but often they're just simple now I don't know your situation and I can't generalize but some people figure out how to include the child in the house and the child becomes the center of laughter the center of love and it becomes if I may use these words a win-win you figure out how to make it into something positive the only piece of advice I have that's practical to this question is include the other children with this child as hard as it is you explain to them what's going on tell them the truth and they ask what am I allowed to tell my friends in school don't ask me because I'm very open-minded about these things I think if my kids are not going to get married they're going to get married whether people not whether people do or don't know the situation in my home I I'm I'm too American in this way we're all rigid uptight Russians so everything is a secret you know everything is the KGB is coming after me I don't think it's so terrible of people know what's going on I'd rather know the truth than make up lies which is what people do when you don't tell them but to whatever extent it's possible to include the other children and of course the trick is not to include the other children as a task it's not a job you know a job is setting the table if it's possible and to the extent that it's possible to make it into something positive we we help this child because he or she is my brother and my sister um because this is what we have to do and we find language and we find circumstance to get the other kids involved in a way that they don't see it as a chore as a mish but as something that's meaningful that they wish to do a lot of it is our attitude really a lot of it is how we approach it how we feel if we uh walk around with a lot of negativity that's how they see it if we figure out in our own minds in our own Hearts how to accept the situation and to deal with it as it is in other words not expecting magic maybe we could communicate that to our other children and get them to feel like they want to be a part of it I think it's the only way to do this it's the only way to do frankly um and I think it's the only way to deal with this um I have seen situations including situations very close to myself where kids give and give and give and then later they resent they come back and they have ESS there is no perfect formula but I think it's very very difficult to try to have two realities the reality of the child that's not well and the reality of your remaining children and um it's a goal it's a goal a goal means that it takes time I have a neighbor whose sibling passed away which was probably 65 and I went to so this is a long story that goes back close to 80 years this child was was had a was a special needs child in an age where there were no services and there was no homes for them and this person would come into their the homes of their siblings and just bring laughter and it was this way because that's how the parents approached it and this CH when that person died after living a what we would call a very compromised life a life of they never got married they never had a job they would never take care of themselves their siblings missed them cuz they brought something very positive into their world but that didn't happened by itself it only happened because the parents spun it that way the parents sort of so we're going to this is part of who we are this is what we are and we have to we're going to make this work I'm we going to make this into a positive and a happy thing and often times that special needs child can become the center of a lot of Celebration a lot of happiness and an issue which I think is big for all of us as we raise our kids and our kids move away is cohesion right I don't know you I don't know any of you and I I don't know what kind of relationships you have with your siblings how close you are as a family right but you wish and your hope that your children are going to grow up and get married and be very close to one another um and maybe you say well as close as I am to my siblings or closer than I am to my siblings whatever your scenario is this could be glue this could be glue if we if we figure out how to manage it correctly I I'm not saying this is easy and the the most important thing that we need to learn and understand is not because you decide to do something is it done it's a process you know I remember when we discovered that my son was ill I'm a man so in five minutes I had all the solutions I figured it out what we're going to do I mean it was beyond stupid because so we can do this this stage there's a you know there was a prognosis how this kid illness is going to progress I had all figured out what what did I not include well number one the just the exhaustion of taking care of him number two in other words not doing it but the emotion that comes with it number two the other children right number three the pain so you you live this you live this one day at a time and it becomes part of your new normal and it becomes part of normal you know how to live this you learn how to live this and you can learn how to live this in a way that it doesn't have to be a tragedy and it's on us it's on the parents to develop that thinking in themselves and to communicate that thinking to the children I I tell people a lot um this is a bit of an aside but it's not much of an aside I tell people a lot that um when you watch somebody else suffer when you watch watch somebody else suffer your feeling is that life is dark life is terrible that all they do is suffer what you don't know is that person gets up in the morning and with the time they get up in the morning they go to sleep at night there's let the 18 hours or 17 hours or 16 hours of awake time and they do hundreds of things and they're not all sad many of them are happy when our child was ill and child was in the hospital for last couple years of his life we would visit every day we took our children it wasn't all sad when somebody I could imagine how my siblings looked at it oh what yeah but it's not all bad it's life it was our life for those four years and that didn't happen in a minute I literally remember the day we were given the prognosis and I remember how I figured it out in 5 minutes and obviously I realized how foolish was but part of the the moving forward was bu of living with this this is our this is our life and if you figure how to do that you can even make it into something positive and then the other children don't feel like they're neb they're not neb they're really not neb in the end these things teach lessons that are incredibly important and Incredibly real and as as parents who are parenting children that's part of our obligation to figure out how to communicate that to our healthy children that uh we're going to live this one day at a time we're going to make it work it's not either you or him or you or her it's all of us and uh it's it's different it's different than it was before but it's life and there's a lot of happy moments a lot of happy moments and it's something that we need to figure out to do for ourselves and then to be able to communicate to our children I'm sorry that I I could just feel many of you want to throw things at me I'm saved by the clock at 14 minutes to get through this list now say ladies the next question I was given five times and I got to tell you my heart is push it melting from the EM of you the of you personal question how to know family is ready to grow how to get through a following preg how to get a following pregnancy in good head space how to know when the family is ready to add another being realistic about everything everyone's needs parents sh children and medical needs and also keeping in mind wanting to have large family and that another child brings then I'm just reading all the words the pregnancy following the birth of a special needs child okay and then the eight I should have put before how to help other siblings feel empowered not bured by sibling so I got this how many times four times five times wow as we know that that's the answer Only theb Knows only the Reb knows unfortunately the problem is you ask theb and you don't know what theb is saying but first of you got to ask people you got to ask not getting enough see you have to go to the Reb you have to say okay when I I I we all think about that every day and one of the things that we think about the Reb or that we should think about the Reb the Reb is a holy man you know that he's a very very very big sadic he lives in a world which is just God's it's just God's I recently had an exchange with a woman and and I think I heard her feelings I didn't mean to but she sort of stopped the conversation abruptly I did something on my Q&A about special about the about psycholog psychological help mental health and uh she was happy with what I said so she reached out to me and she shared had a conversation with me and the last exchange was why didn't the debbit talk about it more why did the debbit encourage more people to seek mental health support so I answered her this is after a series of exchanges and maybe I shouldn't have said it I don't know I don't know what's right I because it's not his job you don't need a Reit not to get pregnant but that you need a ro you neededb to yes get pregnant which I believe is the reason when people would ask such questions to the Reb if the wanted you to have he told you himself if the want you to do the irrational thing he told you to do it that's his job and if the agreed that you got to be more realistic he would send you to and the almost knew you know the knew he could answer the question himself why did he send to me now being a is not a fun job um and being a who has to answer on behalf of the is extraordinarily difficult and would ask the what am I supposed to say say only a can answer such a question only ad can answer such a question but let's philosophies okay let's Pat ourselves on the back let's entertain ourselves okay we want to have more children that alone is such a that we live in the America which we live and we in our heads want to have more kids that that's holy that's that's really really wonderful it's not just having a child as a sacrifice no it's not having a child is the most wonderful thing in the world it's opportunity to love unconditionally and to give and to create and to make a but the fact that we want that says so much about our it does it says an enormous amount about our spiritual space and it's good even if the Practical answer is no the desire is so beautiful the desire is so special really it is because it's it really is the ultimate is I again I teach kids kids teenagers and they look at the whole religion as slavery you know they I can't do this I can't everything I can't do everything I can't do everything I can't do and of course my job as their teacher is not to give them more instructions you know you know what not only you can't do this you can't even do this you didn't know that right that's my job to teach you I for better for worse I'm a I don't teach my job is to get them to appreciate that this is actually wonderful this is the best thing that we have and if you're and you live in the real world it's never been trer than right now now the world is spinning out it's coming so crazy and yish is such an incredible anchor and one of the most profound aspect that anchor is that the deepest is a child the deepest the deepest is a child we're not burdening Society we're bringing a blessing into the world we're not burdening other children we're bringing a blessing into the world and sometimes abish should puts up in a position where we have to ask that question really I think the question alone speaks Val s really I was asked five different women asked that question and I I I have to tell you that like I said I'm assuming I'm older than most of you it's it's wonderful that you have the question only the can answer that question I'm going to say one thought and you'll take it anyway you wish it's just an Insight I think the answer to the question is you should have the next child a little bit before a little bit before you're ready so what does I am I am I a little bit ready so how do I know it's a very sens subjective thing it really is but don't wait till you're completely ready because you'll end up waiting your whole life and you know to be honest again I don't know you I hope you can talk to your husband about these things frankly and you can make these decisions together if you need to get a involed to get a m involved um but if you could work it through as a couple you know it's you're never ready in the best situation you're never ready you know have we have a lot to do in these that's my thought in other words don't wait till you're completely comfortable but don't be don't do it in a way that is in your judgment and the Judgment of your love and Judgment of your husband Jud your Reckless not thought through um but but I I really I have to say that having that question means says it's good it's in my opinion it's good now I got a very long question and I got six minutes I I think I asked that question about yeah okay I I actually when we were speaking the question actually solidified in my mind the question is does the Sim come from amuna that we know that are children are perfect the way they are or does the need to come from on the level that the spoke what did that he believed that the Abra land is going to save me because nobody else will come to save me and that's how he got his Yeshua meaning I know we're supposed to be joyful that we have special needs children but to me the level that you would need to believe that your child is going to outgrow their their special needs which doesn't happen frequently or ever in the this world is that uh is that something the rebel wants from us or does the rebel want us to have from that my child is perfect the way they are okay you know what the dev wants from us the best we can deliver that's not answering my question it is it is and I'm going to talk to you I'm not going to beat around the bush um you think the Reba doesn't know how flawed we are how limited we are are he knows quite well he's a smart guy and he's so smart that he come down to our level and he has us figured out no re spoke about did and he's speaking to the most wounded generation in history I find it odd the Reb who's dealing with Yen who have the hardest time with liking themselves are being taught something which is so over the top now the reason thatb is doing because he believes that small and Shamus have an easier time to reach the which is really what it is small and shamas have an easier time relating to in a way which is completely Beyond themselves which is what like shom did is I want to tell you something now maybe you're not going to like what I'm saying maybe you don't need to hear it but this is my Mantra this is what I say I find that one of the many diseases of our generation is that people have NOA can you say that the people have and no amuna and there's something profoundly unhealthy about that and unsustainable about that you know we all had Bubbas or maybe you didn't have a Bubba but your Bubba had a Bubba I don't know you who were simple people who never went to school literally they never they knew how to cook POA they never want to know anything but they had such a in and they gave you their am in their they gave you their am in their hug they gave you their and their candies they gave when you came to the house it was something so simple and with no expectation with no expectation just was God exists we're all really smart you know that the world we live in is more informed than ever in history ever it's not even close and we're so unbelievably stupid it's not even close cuz we don't know what to do with this information we don't know how to process what to take what not to take how to use it and one of the things that I think is true that everything becomes an exercise everything is therapy is a therapy is a therapy it's not it's religion and you know the difference religion is something you do every minute of every day and every night it's not an action and and a reaction so I'll do this and he'll do that that's not the relation what the foundation of a person's life and of a Jew's life is God is present period I didn't say good I didn't say bad I said present we live in a universe full of his presence rather than then void of his presence aid went into the with a terminal heart condition and he he knew that he was on a he was on a clock but he didn't know exactly when the clock was going to run out and he said to the Reb yish something to the effect I feel like I'm on glass feel like working on glass and the Reb said to him you're in a Divine embrace the didn't give him more years he didn't he gave him a perspective if we live in hashem's World imuna means we're surrounded by Hashem always it doesn't make him good doesn't make him bad it means he's with us and it's foundational to have that sense as we get smarter it's the same it's the god I am my God the shall be now God unto me it's the same syndrome if I have a relationship with Hashem I choose it wrong I have a relationship with hm God they live in his space he's real I'm the Invader I'm not in charge he is and spiritually and psychologically that means that before we make deals with God before we negotiate terms we just live in his world that is supposed to give us all warmth it's supposed to give us all a certain measure of safety this is how Jews have lived for thousands of years we live in hashem's world you know the re told my aunt mam didn't tell life is wonderful they knows what he's doing you're in the aish this world you know what she told her she's passed away I hope I'm not going to be accused she told me the story she said the words came out of her mouth before she could stop them she would never have said she couldn't control was a nric reaction you have to know her to understand her and gave him one of those Smiles that goes back to who said who said how do you know but it was it was not thought through it wasn't an intellectual question it was a pain question and the Reb gave him one of those Smiles that lights up the world that's my opinion we live in hashem's world and the context of is am when I teach the kids I tell them Amun is breathing air is eating we talking is a choice you know talking is a choice you can choose to you can choose you can choose to D and give to and you can choose to be miserable it's also a choice I hate to say it's a bad one it's a choice but talk is a choice I choose to engage with God in this this way but first I have relationship that is key if you have no then you don't have you have super you Superstition it's another version Hashem has to be simple this is what our parents gave us and if we B CH and our parents didn't give it to us we need to develop it for ourselves the hardest thing for B cha is these things cuz they're unspoken it's not in a book it's the mother's milk I live in hashem's world and's pretty good and there's no other one by the way not can TR can't trade him in there's no other God I'm not answering your question I'm just offering you this Insight if you put in the framework of a you're healthier and your B is healthier the answer to your question is it's your choice it's your choice did I says it and the says it is true and more than it's true means he's giving a you think it's easy to do with no it's hell that's my point like how he it was his choice that he's a tough guy you have no idea he is but you know how much am he has in his Kish is this enormous amount of am inish sh's was something that has done before people have gotten free from jail his case happened to be extreme but nobody in the room's illnesses have ever been cured in a natural way so the answer to your question is you decide how you want to approach it you have a choice but you don't have a choice to feel abandoned by God no that's the question is on the joy you're happy either way of course you're happy you know your kid's Perfect come on out of all of my kids is the only one I don't have to worry about that grow up from get married she's good the way she is she doesn't eat now she could not eat in 30 years it doesn't make a difference but where does the joy come from does the joy come from the Abra made her perfect that now I mean I'm going to help her but listen I'm Scot free I need to worry about my other kids this one I worry about or does the joy come from no you have a mission to believe that the abish is going to make it revealed good and a r I'm going to tell you first of all the joy has to come from living yes the joy has to come from life yes not from a particular version of it you're not happy because did this for you or that you're happy world clearly says that the comes because you know you've done everything in your power but means that it's going to be revealed good in this world so are you looking at a child who's disabled as they're already revealed good because like Mr SCH said that the way they are now is perfect then you could have just enjoy they have it right they don't have it right or are you looking at it that no in this world they have a disability and and in order to to bring out something that really is positive in this world you need to change your perspective I'm telling you the answer again it's your choice Tak me okay good good I I know what to choose it's your choice choose carefully okay we got to stop I have more to talk about but let's stop okay thank you for listening to me I hope I didn't disappoint you please visit inside. 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