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Changing the Dance in Marriage: Chaim Moshe Steinmetz LISW #190
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Chaim Moshe Steinmetz, LISW on Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem # 190 June 23, 2024 Changing the Dance in Marriage: An Empowering Approach Based on Torah and Parts Psychology Raech out to Chaim Moshe Steinmetz: https://Chaimmoshesteinmetz.com Join Chaim Moshe Steinmetz WhatsApp group: https://wa.me/message/2MJ65CXMSAIUL1
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
hi everybody Welcome to tonight's
program thank you for joining us tonight
over here on coach vanak burnfield on a
special Sunday night it's about 100
degrees over here in New Jersey and had
a long day so let's get ready so
tonight's year here 190 and first all
the people every week for coming on for
posting on the statuses letting people
know about it a place to really talk
through things last week we had a super
powerful share not may we share some
feedback of what happened from the last
week share but we've really uh broke
some barriers last week it was very uh
very humbling experience so tonight
we're gonna go a little bit deeper it's
actually going to feed off a little bit
of what we spoke about
also if anybody wants to join our
WhatsApp chats can please WhatsApp me at
732 3141 1710 and I'll send you to the
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sponsors Lakewood school here in
Lakewood Ellie narel from P Town Central
from jcn next week June 30th um we're
gonna have very interesting program kind
you like this um we're gonna have a
share with a young guys named Juda
abases who lives in Florida um he's a
pretty funny guy we had a great
conversation with him and we're going to
be talking about healing through humor
therapy meets laughter improv healing
can comedy mix with therapy he he heal
deep wounds and Trauma so it's an
interesting topic and we're going to
talk about it it should be a little
entertaining as well please join us next
week and
uh um tonight share is share
190 and we appreciate you coming here
and we're going to turn for Gat for 190
the CEO of
Coach Zoom share number changing the
dance and marriage an empowering
approach based on Torah and part
psychology our goal is to find kindness
and Grace in our marriages which leads
us up to tonight's gatria 190 is gatria
to find
Grace very
nice beautiful okay so we start off
tonight's sh with our host Coach man
bernfeld to tell us to tell us um why
we're all here tonight on Sunday it's
already 9:35 at night
why are we GA here tonight
coach welcome everyone to another real
with
Coach with a lot of SE Thea we're doing
uh share number
190 and the feedback is still coming in
from last week last week was a little
different we had people um come on the
program talk about their story basically
stories that we couldn't
believe and um the feedback people
reached out reached out to everyone that
got on we had four
people
and we actually had a group in person
over here in
Lakewood started already and um again
whoever wants to reach out in your
neighborhood reach out to organizations
it reach out to me but the idea is you
don't have to do it by yourself you
don't have to um be on the Journey alone
you know you could be in therapy do what
you have to do but get that support
support is so important no matter where
you are so that's the idea of last
week so reach out tonight we're
continuing tonight we're trying to
figure out a little bit our marriage
okay we had many programs of marriage
and um many ideas that came up different
speakers how to fix marriage how to
enhance your marriage try to figure out
what's going
on different ideas date nights getting
babysitters having an account special
for that um we did efd you know
emotional Focus
therapy um learning how to listen to
understand deeper what's going
on but tonight we'll we'll get a
different perspective I believe in
withit the way he deals with the men
that come into his room how how to deal
with the the the one side of the
marriage to understand what's going on
but if you think about marriage is
really like any part of growth wherever
you are if you're not growing then
you're probably going backwards if
you're not consciously thinking how can
I become better how can I make this
better what can I do if you're if you
put it asleep probably start take for
granted things and you don't appreciate
what's going on and then before you turn
around you're this full of resentment
and you wonder what's going on with my
marriage so it is important no matter
where you are in your marriage I know a
lot of people who gave up already you
know this is it I'm not going to talk
about it I'll just take care of myself
and that's
that but to take a moment take a deep
breath and maybe uh you'll get some
fresh air new ideas to understand what's
going
on
so it's a to have you on and tell us a
little bit about what's going on in your
office thank
you beautiful opening okay let's get
into it tonight's share is titled
changing the dance in marriage an
empowering approach based on T and parts
psychology like M said we had we've had
quite a bit of programs on marriage um a
lot of them have been very powerful and
hopefully tonight will be one of them
it's another angle and it's very
important and uh we'll all learn
together I'm G to
read bio we'll get into it is a psych
psychotherapist uh specializing in men's
stress men's experiences stress trauma
anxiety mood issues anger issues marital
and relationship issues shame
inadequately emptiness compulsion and
addiction differently than Woman They
benefit most from the approach that
speaks to their own World Views and
emotional realities to meet each other's
clients unique needs K has developed a
deep thorough and Broad knowledge across
a diverse set of disciplines dis
disciplines to provide his clients with
the most Cutting Edge and efficient tool
tools for change some of these
modalities include TI EMDR EFT energy
psychology breath work and more K seeds
clients both in person and online
through tell Health zoom and uh I happen
to have the to spend a week with I
haven't to been in Cleveland and we uh
we bring a lot we had a great time and I
was very happy that he's coming onim the
floor is yours open it up thank you ASI
um yeah it was a lot of fun when you
were here feel like I know you now for
like 10
years
um so there's four main points that I
want to focus on and each one is
really has to be addressed very in depth
but I don't want to go on and on over
here so I'm gonna say I'm gonna go
through each four not four all four
biter in the introduction and then we'll
flush it out in the questions M um but I
told you before Coach man if there's any
if I'm going too fast just please
interrupt me and make sure that it's
coming up
clearly so before we get to marriage the
first thing we need to focus on is
ourselves the way the brain works people
who' have been to therapy especially if
they've been to IFS this is not ifs
therapy but if you've been to therapy
you might be familiar with the concept
of parts so most people if they haven't
been to
therapy um perceive themselves to be I
I'm you're coach you're right
but re the the truth is psychologically
but it's even not only from a
psychological perspective even
neurologically like you could see this
on a brain scan and MRI the way the
brain works it's
divided so there's there's many
different parts but for Simplicity we're
going to call it child and adult because
it's there's a lot going on in both ends
we're not going to cover all of it but
we'll just simplify and call adult and
child part of the
brain so for and I just this is the way
I explain to my clients because it's
very very simple people get very
in-depth in it but it's really a very
simple concept so right now I'm on the
coach
man and I'm an adult I'm a therapist but
I have kids at home when I play with my
kids I go right that's not this guy it's
not the guy who's talking to you right
now it's you know that's a whole
different part of the brain part of the
personality so that's the child part of
the brain we're going to get what what
does it mean the child part of the brain
what does it mean the ult part of the
brain but it's very obvious to anybody
who you know if you take a second to
look at what goes on your life we all
have many different facets to our
personality and some of them can seem
contradictory um they clash with each
other but the basic point is that
there's two parts of the brain there's
the child part of the brain and there's
the adult part of the brain now the
child part of the brain like I was just
saying is comprised of the many
different stages that you've been
through so when you were two you were
two old and you saw the world a certain
way you thought a certain way you felt a
certain way and then you became three
then you became four and so on now
whatever whatever stage you were
at that perspective the emotions the
perspective the way you saw reality is
wired into the brain and when you get
older you don't get rid of that you just
add another
layer and as you get older and older
you're having more layers and more
layers and when you're an adult finally
you develop the Dev part of the brain
now this is it's very important that
this is not really this is not a muscle
this is a very real neurological reality
and the child and adult parts of the
parts of the personality are really
based in two different parts of the
brain so when you're born you there
there's a lot of different parts of the
brain but the parts of the for at least
for our conversation there's a part of
the brain that's called the lyic system
a lot of different functions there but
the child part of the brain really
resides in the lyic system of the brain
the adult that that we're going to
discuss is in the prefrontal cortex
prefrontal cortex is actually not
developed until you're about 25 it's
there when you're born but it doesn't
develop fully it's not fully matured
until you're
so this concept of different parts of us
is a is actually if you take an MRI scan
then you can see this is the adult and
this is the child in your own brain now
what does the child and what does the
adult look like so let's start with the
adult so the
adult actually sounds a lot like the way
we think of adults so the adult is
logical thinks in a logical way um
organize you can do you can so you can
give someone directions step by step by
step and they'll follow it that's all
coming from the adult part of the brain
another part of the adult is goals his
don't have goals adults have goals so
where am I headed with my life um for
retirement but also spiritual goals
values all these things are something
which is only in the adult part of the
brain um another there's a lot of
different qualities that the adult has
that the child doesn't and vice versa
but another one is being able to see the
big picture of something so if let's say
your kid you have if somebody has kids
and one kid punches the other kid so the
other kid's going to think my brother's
a is a mush yell and scream he the worst
brother forever right yesterday the kid
the that brother was his best friend
tomorrow will be his best friend but
right now he punched him in the nose so
now he's the absolute biggest Russia in
the whole world that's because the kid
the the kid part of the brain cannot see
outside of this moment and can also only
see black and white either you're good
or you're bad so In This Moment he did
something bad the brother something bad
so now that now he's bad tomar's good he
did something nice now he's good so
another B important part of the adult is
the ability to see the big picture and
that's the opposite of the black and
white aspect of the child so the child
is black and white and only sees in this
moment and the adult is able to see the
bigger picture yeah the kid punched you
but he also does nice things right now
you know it doesn't take away from the
problem that that happened but if you're
able to see the big picture it gives a
context right so that's another function
of the adult adults also can focus on
other people kids for the most part
focus on themselves unless it feel goes
feels good to focus on someone else so
that's the adult part of the
brain the child part of the brain has
different qualities now these are not
negative or positive these are just what
a kid is and anybody who who watches
kids or has kids you're gonna these
These are sort of self-evident but it's
very much originating in the child part
of the brain so they're impulse driven
they're not adults are driven by Logic
kids are driven by impulse whatever they
whatever impulse arises in the moment
it's very difficult for them to override
the impulse and do something different
um like we said before black and white
thinking so good bad amazing terrible
this that's the only options for a kid
the kid perspective is only is
everything is either this or that there
is no bigger picture there's no context
there's no Nuance that's another very
important part of the Cha Cha part of
the brain
um they're very focused on themselves
they don't have the capacity to see
outside themselves and see another
person and empathize or even just to
think about practical concerns for
another person not necessarily emotional
or
empathy
um kids are very emotion-based right so
so adults are thinking about their goals
kids are how do I feel everything's
about how do I feel the person a did
this I feel happy person did this did
this I feel sad or I feel angry and the
emotion is what drives all their actions
and their motivations now it doesn't
necessarily negative thing it could be
that the emotion drives positive things
too if they feel um liked they'll do you
tons of favors right but if they feel
like you don't like them then
they'll then they'll I don't know fight
with you but the point is that they're
very driven by feeling versus um
emotion they can't think outside the
moment this moment is all that exists
that's also Mila because they're very
mindful they're very engaged what
they're doing but they cannot they can't
think of the consequences so they're
doing something they're not they're not
anticipating that whatever I'm doing now
is going to have a problem in 5 minutes
or
tomorrow
um that's there's a lot there's a lot of
detail in the child adult but for our
purposes that's all that you need to
know so there's the adult part of the
brain and there's the child part of the
brain now there's other qualities of the
child that we focus more on like the
problematic ones but kids are very
fun-loving they're very spontaneous
they're very
um funloving they're spontanous they're
creative there's a lot of positive
engaging qualities that a child also has
they like to have fun adults if their
child the child part of them likes to
have fun but the more you know the more
adult someone is the less you're going
to see that side of them in that moment
so this positive and is difficult
qualities to the child and to the
adult
now we all have since we have both we
have both parts of the the child and the
adult coming up at different areas of
our life right so most people for the
most part at work they're going to have
an adult their adult part of them is
going to show up because there's no
other way no other way to work you can't
have a kid at work can't follow
directions if his boss gets on his
nerves he'll just yell and scream right
so in order to be able to be a
functioning person in society at work if
you go to Sho if you're in the grocery
store you have to be able to utilize the
adult part of
yourself now there's different areas
where the child will come up so if you
want to have fun you're hanging out with
your friends or with your spouse and
you're having fun you're playing playing
a game you're having date night or then
you might have the child come out but
the point is that there's many areas for
every adult if they're if they have a
prefrontal cortex there anybody who's
alive and not in a the trauma ward of a
um of a hospital they have a prefrontal
cortex they have an adult self and they
use it in many areas of their life
now that's the adult that's the first
piece the just the basics how the um how
the mind works the division between
adult and child now if we look at
marriage so let's start with marriage in
the United States forget about Jewish
marriages but marriage in the United
States is it's been in a crisis for a
very long time but if you look at the
statistics about 50% of marriages end in
divorce and there's a lot of there's a
lot of studies that the people who stay
together it's not like they're uh
madling love either so it's not it's not
hunky dory in America the marriage
situation is not in good shape at all
now the question is why is it like that
so based on this it's pretty obvious at
least a very big part of the problem
American culture and or secular culture
in general all all over the world but
especially in America and comes out a
lot in marriage it's all about the child
part that's all that
matters somebody uh somebody who's
doesn't have any greater uh um Vision or
mission for their marriage but they just
you know an A Young America who getting
married for the most part they want to
fall in love have romance meet the
person their dreams who's going to take
care of them meet all their needs be
their life purpose their allpurpose life
solution so it's a very good um fantasy
but it doesn't work and it's very simple
why it doesn't work because if if if if
we can't make ourselves happy how is the
other person who you marry going to be
your All Purpose if you can't make
yourself happy there's no way someone is
going to fill the same thing that you
can fill so there's more to it than that
but a very important piece
is that American culture and Society is
very very focused on the child part to
the exclusion of the adult now at work
the America they have some people a big
part of society especially if they're
big companies they have a very good work
ethic the adult will show up in other
years of their life but in marriage the
only thing that's there is the kid how
they feel is the other person make me
feel the way I want there other person
being there for me it's about
self-gratification which is not
necessarily a negative thing it's just
doomed to fail so that's a very
important reason why
um marriages are falling apart they're
focused there's only a Child part now
besides that that they're very heavily
focused on the child there is there is
nothing else because again the adult is
able to go to work and do practical
things but the adult also has another
function we said the adult is values
the adult has um a bigger picture the
adult has goals so the goals in the
marriage is just that you feel good now
sometimes if they're religious they'll
have a bigger goal um maybe they'll want
to raise kids but that's lately in
American soci a lot of people don't even
want to have kids they don't want to get
married they don't have kids so and then
even within kids not necessarily are
they do they want to have kids because
it's it's a life goal for them as much
as like they they they they want to have
the feeling of being a mother which is
very different that's also Child part
that's not necessar a negative thing
because you could have both you could
have the adult perspective of the of
having a child which we'll get into soon
but there's another one which is
emotional based which is you want to
have the feeling it feels good to be
mother they find out sometime you know
when they get married that it's not all
funny gam just like everybody anybody
who has kids knows so the problem with
America with the with for the most part
if we're going to go AB broad is that
American marriages are dominated by
child only
if you have child only you have two kids
who are getting married it's not going
to work it's pretty
obvious so what's the solution so the
solution is going to be to bring the
adult in but that's going to have to
have as many different ways to have the
adult so
on I want to look at a few points of how
yish kite approaches marriage now it
doesn't need to be through a y
perspective there's many other ways of
approaching it from an adult perspective
but everybody here for the most part is
from and we already believe the these
Concepts so it's very relevant to bring
out the Jewish
concepts of which are very related to
the adult part of the brain so the
Jewish reason to get married is more
along the lines of the Jewish reason to
be alive and the Jewish reason to be
alive is we have a mission and we're
here to grow and to work on
ourselves and marriage is a part of
that so that doesn't mean that we don't
have feelings obviously we do it doesn't
me know child Parts but that's the goal
the goal of the marriage is to work on
yourself and to grow as a human being
now marriage is the perfect opportunity
because growth even in nothing to do
with marriage in any area of growth
psychological growth any type of growth
is overcoming adversity adversity
doesn't have to be external it could be
internal so somebody gets you upset how
do you deal with it do you it doesn't
mean that you give in do what the other
person wants always it also doesn't mean
that you yell and scream you have to
work with whatever is bothering you and
then process it and then rise above it
so growth always means that there's
something in the way there's a block
that you have to overcome the hurdle and
when you do then you're growing because
then you're getting to another layer of
yourself a higher more sophisticated
more spiritual whatever your goal is but
that's what growth means
so one of the basic things of Y kite is
that we're here to work on ourselves and
to grow marriage is the perfect vehicle
for that because you're can have many
many opportunities to overcome blocks
and adversity now many people get are
very um are a lot of pain because of
this but that's really the way it's
built it's intended to bring up pain and
to bring up blocks and then the point is
that you can work through that now it's
not easy but if if you think that the
point of marriage is that you're not
going to have any pain then you're gonna
have a lot more pain actually because
you're expecting that it's supposed to
be this perfect bliss other person is
there for you 100% all the time 24 hours
a day and when you're you're going to be
very leted down by that but if your
expectation is not that they're going to
be perfect that doesn't mean that
there's no place for happiness and joy
of course there is there's no other way
to have a marriage without it but that's
not the ultimate goal the ultimate goal
and the reason is because that's part of
your
mission and there's many different
aspects of the mission so one part of it
if you're from is personal growth
another part is having children not
necessarily because it feels good
sometimes it does and as all of you know
a lot of times it doesn't right so the
mission is to raise the next generation
of sh re Mitzvah that's it's a it's very
different than feeling good now that may
feel very good sometimes and there's a
lot of emotional aspects also that feel
good but that's not the point and that's
not the goal that's a perk along the way
a very nice perk but it's it's not the
goal it's very that's very different so
if you approach marriage um from the
adult perspective it's going to look
very different because your expectations
are very different and you're going to
be less bogged down by all the herur
because the point of the marriage is not
that you shouldn't have those hurdles
the point is something else and those
things and the hurdles are actually
assisting you with getting to where um
your goal
is now there's a very interesting
relationship between this and psychology
because we talked about non-jewish
marriage or secular marriage what they
really want what everybody really wants
is to be happy they want to be happy
they want to enjoy life and be happy now
the the fr
perspective is not meant to torture you
it may not be the the only reason is not
to be happy but one of the big things
the big perks of it is that it does
bring to happiness
psychologically now I want to say a
quote from Victor Frankl who was a very
famous ecologist he went through the
Holocaust the quote brings that well but
this is it's all over a lot of the um
big famous and effective psychological
modalities the more you chase happiness
in anywhere area not marriage any area
that you that you chase after being
happy you're going to be miserable so
how do you be happy so I'm going to read
the quote and then we'll talk about it
drop this is from Victor Frankle it's a
very he he's he's a very uh High
vocabulary it's understandable but it's
you know we'll talk about a little bit
later don't aim at
success the more you aim at it and make
it a Target the more you are going to
miss it for Success just like happiness
cannot be pursued it must ins
as the unintended side effect of one's
personal dedication to a course greater
than
oneself so I'm going to just say what
that means for anybody who didn't hear
all the words or you know it's a little
bit um muddled but basically what he's
saying is success and happiness and many
other things as well the more that's
your goal it does you cannot achieve it
you chase it you're always going to be
running after running after you're never
going to be happy both success and
happiness the way you achieve both of
those is indirectly
so what he's calling a course greater
than oneself so if you're focused on a
goal that you have a value Mission what
he's calling a course greater than
oneself but the point is it's not about
you and how you feel it's something
outside you if that's what you're
focused on then the byproduct it's
almost a side effect then there's a side
effect that you you're going to be
happy but the more you make that the the
the focus and the goal you're can be
miserable
so the having the adult what we're
calling the adult which blends both
um the
um from or ideological values and the
goals of the adult with the Practical
aspect of the adult is really what leads
to happiness as a byproduct but in any
area of psychological healing or
psychological work the only way that
anyone's going to ever be happy is when
they stop trying to be happy and they
focus on something bigger or outside
themselves
now how does how does this apply
practically so obviously there's a
million different factors we're not can
get into of them I just want to bring
the basic concepts and how does it look
basically on a practical level so before
before you continue with the Practical
I'm just um just a little bit of
feedback what you're saying is be step
number one is to learn about your inner
child step number one is to
understand understand that piece that
many people are not aware of
so I'm not sure what what's the U could
you clarify the
question there you know we we're all
adults we all have goals we all you know
we're all talking over here the adult is
talking not everyone is aware of that
other side other part of us that's
playing a role right so you're saying
first step is to be aware of the parts
that we have yes yes exactly exactly and
and and and that's something that you do
in the therapist room or something that
you how do you figure that out so we're
that's actually the thing I was about to
talk about now very very briefly so
there's a few there's a lot to you know
so maybe maybe we we'll we'll continue
that with the questions that come up so
you know basic overall we got and or you
could put the the polls and uh then
you'll continue with the with the
implementation let's jump into the polls
and we'll get into the implementation
part we'll clarify everything okay well
let let me let me say I want I want to
say one more point we're not get into
the details one more point on this the
the basic concept we're not the details
we'll get into the question the basic
concept is um that the adult has to in
the marriage the adult has to be the
just if you think of a car the adult has
to be the one driving the child part and
we'll see how that comes up has to be in
the back seat in American marriage there
is no adult at all the kid is driving
the bus driving the car there is no
adult at all the goal is not to get rid
of the kid and the goal is not to get
rid of the adult the goal is adult
driving and that has you know in
important issues and conversations the
adult has to be the one that's there you
bring your work self home now the child
is very important but it can't be
driving when you let whatever is going
on uh hijack the adult and then the kid
just does what he wants that's where a
very big portion of the problems come
and then we'll get more into detail
later
okay okay let's get into the questions
over here hold on one
second do you have the questions on your
thing see oh here I got I got I got it
okay we have two question or two polls
just they change with the places okay
everybody answer the question at the
best of your ability and let's get into
it first question
what triggers you the most of marriage
okay answer the best of your ability for
you lack of communication Financial
issues unmet expectations household
responsibilities or jealousy or trust
issues what's your personal trigger in
your marriage number two what brings
happiness in marriage what do you think
brings happiness in marriage spouse
meeting your needs make sure to meet
your spouse's needs I guess if you meet
your spouse's needs you feel
happy spend lots of quality time
together fear of burdening friends or
family I'm not sure what that is and
last one having a bigger picture
perspective while addressing your own
needs those are the three questions
those are the two questions and then
we'll share with
everybody what's that fourth one fear
burden friends friends and
family St
let's see somebody vote on
it five more seconds and then we'll uh
we go over it
together okay five 4 3 2
okay here we go what triggers you the
most of marriage 55 represented people
feel lack of communication that's the
far the number one answer so that's what
triggers people when they feel the
communication is not good between each
other that's a trigger the marriage 6%
Financial issues 24% unmet expectations
6% household responsibilities 9%
jealousy or trust issues so i' say most
people here by far feel lacking
communication is the biggest problem and
that's probably why we're talking about
what we're talking about
tonight yeah it's interesting I mean uh
I'm curious if it's lack of
communication or if it's just bad
overall when when there's communication
it doesn't work out well or lack but
yeah the lack of communication or bad
communication is going to be the same
point because let's say I don't know if
you could do another poll on the spot
I'm curious how many PE the 55% saying
lack of communication how many of those
people have that issue at
work right
because most people can communicate
decent the re the lack of communication
is not really communication problem it's
a Child part jumping in children are not
the best communicators right are you
able to do another poll like that no you
can't you're saying they're emotionally
triggered yes yes versus at work they
can pretend to be an adult what happens
when you
triggered so when you when what I'm sure
we say briefly what triggered and
triggered means when something happens
let's say you're anybody but we're
talking about marriage your spouse has
something let's say critical and let's
say you had a history of being
criticized so that's a sore spot for you
so trigger means it sets off the child
but the process of that happening it
turns off the prefrontal cortex we don't
have to get into the details it's a
little shle boring to get into all the
details of that but the point is when
you get triggered and somebody pushes
The Source spot of that kid he like the
kid jumps up right gets all defensive or
whatever that the prefrontal cortex
turns off so the adult sort of not the
adult's gone the adults is unavailable
so you're not going to be able to
communicate well if you don't have a
brain none of us can communicate well
about a brain your brain is not working
so the most important thing when you get
triggered is not to try to communicate
you don't have a communication issue you
have a triggered
issue so if you're in middle of of a
conversation when you're supposed to be
an adult conversation let's you're
talking about money or parenting
whatever it is and you get really R
triggered because SP something you
didn't like
you're not going to try to communicate
you're going you'll try to end the
conversation maybe you'll say you're
trigger depending on if your spouse is
open to that concept you can figure out
away to you know take a a brief break
you'll go into your room smash some
windows vent and then come back and
bring
the bring the adult back but for the
most part not for the most part lack of
communication is really a Child part
hijacking um the conversation that's why
we have to really clarify tonight what
what this is part and how it plays out
okay number two what brings happiness in
marriage what do people think 19% people
feel spouse meeting your needs 9% feel
making sure to meet your spouse's needs
35% of people spending lots of time
together and 36% of people having a
bigger P picture perspective while also
addressing your own needs so you have a
nice little split over
here want to comment anything the second
one yeah this is interesting I'm just
so spouse meeting un needs is 19% making
um it beat your spous by
far so um yeah this is
interesting big so most people are
agreeing having a big picture
perspective while also addressing what's
the last four words there it's black out
here yeah all right so everyone's
everyone's uh 36% have the the perfect
uh Perfect Blend
this is what they think not that they
could do
it right okay so we need to clarify a
few things over here so we basically you
threw out a concept over here of the
right the adult part of us and the child
part of us let's really get into it
somebody send it a question and that
really I think could clarify when really
clarified in the question what it means
let people understand what it means that
child part of us and how it plays that
in Dynamics then we could talk about how
to deal with it so a question I'm Co and
my wife is a bread winner thank her
every time I bring up spending issues
and lifestyle she starts yelling that I
shouldn't but into that part of our life
I have nothing to do with it I can't
even have a conversation about the way
we want our kids to look because it
always comes back the same screaming and
anger so anytime they have a
conversation about money doesn't make a
difference not whatever the conversation
is about money um one person has a blow
up that they want to do a certain way
and it's they're obviously not having a
rational conversation so how do they
deal with that right so so obviously I'm
not going to the specific details over
there I you'd have know a lot more to
know exactly um so from the way the
question is being asked it sounds like
the wife is definitely having a child
part pop up right but this happens very
often and I I see it with a lot of my
clients you don't see what this guy's
end is but for all the way he's asking
is probably also a Child part so if he's
going to come in and say like you don't
listen to me at the money right so then
that's going to trigger her and then
they're both going to be triggering each
other and they're both going to be
smashing windows
so again it very much depends on the
details
but the child part of the wife is coming
out probably the child part of the
husband is coming out when he
asks um so what what the way to Broach
it would would would be the same
principle it needs to be from the adult
from the adult there's no ACC so you
know let's this a good let's focus on
how do you know when it's the child and
when it's the adult
there sometimes it's
let's not focus on the question let's
globalize it you have two exactly that
are married we having a very normal
conversation a logical adult
conversation about spending let's use
spending as the example for this one and
you see one of them right is let's say
they're two adults now and all of a
sudden one of them it's very irrational
and childlike whether it's screaming
yelling shutting down which is a
childlike symptom right let's call it
that way what happened there so first of
the person who's who didn't turn into
the child let's they both turned into
children we have a big problem I don't
think right now that well that's that's
usually what happens actually usually
one person gets triggered and then the
other person gets triggered from the
trigger and then you know then it's
party not really part of it let's go
first with the the thing that the guy is
not triggered and one person is still
the adult and they see the other spouse
acting childish whatever childish angry
screaming yelling but there's nobody to
talk to so what happened explain what
happened what happened with this Dynamic
so what happened is if we're assuming
the husband wasn't um the husband said
it from an adult place they both were an
adult place
well the wife from the response the wife
was wife was an adult L and then when
she said something right so when
he very I'm using the word child we have
to understand TR doesn't mean they're
acting giggling on the floor that means
they're acting not intelligently smart
they could be it could be screaming
could be yelling could be shut down
those are all we're calling that all
child they're coming from an emotional
part of the brain and black and white
thinking and not seeing the big picture
that's that's what you're saying so what
happened is the husband bring up a topic
for whatever reason um for the wife for
men so we're choosing the men clarified
yeah well that's what the question was
right right right yeah um if we're suing
the man the husband asked a question in
an in a from the adult but for whatever
reason something the way he said or the
tone whatever triggered the wife now
what triggered her it's impossible to
know without all the details but it
could be something about money if money
is in general let's say she grew up and
money was a Hot Topic um then that might
have triggered her because she felt uh
afraid of not having enough money that
could be something like that or it could
be criticism if the way the husband's
bringing it up is something is critical
about the way the wife is dealing with
it that definitely can be what the
trigger was CH is a very big one for
most people so especially if the person
has a history of criticism if they were
bullied there's a lot of different
things in people's past plus their just
genetic um their genetic profile their
tendency their natural tendency that
that they can be very easily triggered
to criticism most people are sensed to
criticism so if anything about what the
way the husband brought it up was
overtly or even not overtly critical
especially in the trigger it he could
have done nothing that was um
objectively upsetting but because of her
personal history it triggered the kid
and shut down the prefrontal cortex
that's where he sees his wife is
completely agitated and what what should
be his first mindset without getting you
know obviously we don't we don't have to
shut down we don't have to startop
fighting with her and get r-t triggered
and then escalated so what would be the
adult the first thing that he has to do
is make sure that he stays in his adult
because if he goes out of his
um if he leaves his adult state so then
and he gets triggered then it's going to
escalate so number one he and that's not
easy because if if the wife is getting
very upset at him that could trigger him
that would trigger most people she's
yelling and screaming at him and he
didn't you know he didn't he thought he
didn't do anything so that's going
trigger him number one he has to stay
in his adult now if she's triggered he
can't have the conversation because he's
not going to get anywhere because he's
talking to the child part so the
conversation has to wait until later
time he'll end the conversation when
she's come he'll bring it up and again
we're not going to get into all the
details how he's going to bring that up
because that's that's not the beyond the
scope of today we're not gonna get into
you know all the details of it but when
she's in her adult is the only time that
he could bring it up he can bring up the
conversation I want to talk about money
but I saw that's something I you know
must something I said must have been
upsetting um can you tell me what it is
be open to hearing what he said or what
he did that was a problem and then they
can have it again but he can't address
it then that's that's the most important
thing that most people struggle with
because In the Heat of the conversation
they want to resolve it and that's it's
unresolvable at that moment it's
completely unresolvable his wife's brain
is off at that moment it'll come back in
a couple minutes but now it's
off and some people have to sometimes
deal with certain issues in therapy they
can't it's a very sensitive topic for
one person sometimes they just they
don't have that opportunity even when
she's
gone definitely mean there's a lot of
yeah if if the conversation can't be had
so that doesn't necessarily mean son
therapy it depends on what the issue is
part of being an adult is okay so if
it's not a critically important topic
then maybe it can't be addressed now if
it's an important topic then it does
need to be addressed but not every
single topic needs to be addressed until
until what age would you call a child
I'm just thinking you know I know
tonight is not about but every time we
talk to our 12y old 13y old do they hear
us so it's not it's not black and white
right so the the prefrontal cortex is
developing it's not doesn't turn on at
25 it's it's there when we're born it's
just not fully formed and not fully
matured so it's it's there's an EB and
flow like a 2-year-old is going to have
L less than a seven-year-old a
seven-year-old is going to have less
than a 14-year-old right a teenager is
going to have less than a 20-year-old um
but there's there is no one number that
makes a child child I guess once
someone's
25 then they fully then all they are I
mean whatever they're fully developed as
an adult but that doesn't mean that you
talk to them you're talking to their
adult because if they're triggered they
yeah they there both qu which part of
the brain is hearing you is depending on
which part of the brain is activated at
the moment but by age 25 you you got the
whole got the whole
person now it doesn't mean that and each
part develops continue can still develop
right the adult part of us is gaining
wisdom and knowledge and knowhow
throughout life but in terms of the
brain development that's what I mean the
all the parts of the brain that are
needed are there by H25 well let's go
back to um two people dating and they're
having a great
time so I'm wondering is that the child
or the adult
how are the child so he saying the two
kids are going out and they're having a
great time and they love each
other and then they want to get married
where's the adult so if from date one
through Daye 15 all they're doing is
having a good time that might be a
problem it may not because they they'll
find out if they get married if their
adults are aligned so I would say the
majority probably the majority of people
who are
dating they're not having you they're
not having fun every single day you have
to bring in the adult absolutely you
must bring in the adult yeah could you
talk about what the adult is what's the
child in in the dating process I mean
over there people could understand what'
you say that's the beginning that's
where they started everything was great
they didn't have to talk about paying
bills and then a few years later they
look back and like where where are we
like we can't talk to each other
so your question is what what happens
between dating and and marriage or to
understand you know when you have to
bring when the trial is there when you
have to bring in the adult or vice versa
in in in marriage or in you talking
about in the dating process both
yeah so let's talk about marriage and
we'll get back to the dating so anything
that requires an adult
um perspective you have to you have to
be your adult so if you're talking about
money obviously it's got to be the adult
right you're talking about
parenting it's got to be the adult
because the the kids don't know if the
kids do with parenting so then uh they
would tell us what to do right the kid
so the child the adult part of the brain
is the part that needs to be
communicating with your with your spouse
about all the adult issues parenting
house
responsibilities
um finances in-laws anything that
requires logic SE and this real decision
making clear-headed logical thinking in
the adult now there's other parts of
marriage where you don't want to have
the adult um if you're go on a date
night and you have a poker face Al
that's not fun intimacy you don't want
to be all serious um rigid adult if
you're playing a game together you don't
want to be um you don't want to be all
serious it's not fun so when you want to
have fun when you want to enjoy hanging
out together
then you're gonna want then you don't
have to think about it so much it
happens spontaneously right you're not
like to go into my child Nobody Does
that that that would be a very adult
thing to do very annoying adult thing to
do
but yeah a lot of people have to learn
that a lot of people have you know
number one a lot of people believe that
marriage who said who said marriage is
fun that's number one who said it has to
be fun we have a mission we got to be
rigid and to to learn how to do that
they might have to make that spend two
hours having a good time
soundsound I
mean this the opinion that marriage is
not supposed to be enjoyable is that
what you're saying yeah so for a lot of
people it's not enjoyable but that's not
because they're uh they're doing their
purpose is because they're fighting too
much
right I mean there's a lot of mist that
it's supposed to be enj but forget about
M like nobody wants to live miserably
right who wants to live miserable the
whole life and if you're old child
you're going to be miserable because
you're fighting all the time you're not
getting your knees met if you're adult
it's very there's there's no way to
sustain being an adult all day
long right if you're just thinking about
your mission your mission your goals
your values it's a very important piece
it's got to be the leader of your life
but it can't be the only part of life
because then life is very unenjoyable
everything that we enjoy about life is
coming from the child part of us now we
might be motivated by bigger picture
things but the feelings and the pleasure
and enjoyment things is coming from the
child side most of the time there are
adult Pleasures but yeah life would be
pretty boring if you didn't have the
job now in the old days like what
happened in American side sort of went
the opposite extreme right the old days
was like tough at
do what you got to do you stay married
and that's it but they weren't happy
they were miserable what happened is we
went to the Other Extreme that it's only
about the child the old generation was
only about the adult adult adult adult
do what you got to do work hard and they
stay together but they couldn't stand
each other right now they only want to
like each other and that's the only
component of marriage you got to have
both if you have both it works great now
I don't think there's any um I've never
heard anything that there's a Tash that
you're not supposed to enjoy your
marriage I never heard sh I've
definitely seen a lot of it to me it's
sort of posip that there's a lot of
makus that supposed to be pleasurable
there's also a lot of pain that's sort
of the point but the pain is within the
context of the values is makes it a lot
more tolerable and also makes the
pleasure more
enjoyable okay let's jump into the next
question
over so writes that when they were
dating their husband they really had a
great time with them but once they got
married and he started his
responsibilities he became more serious
and everything but she really misses
that childlike side of him she doesn't
see much he's very logical he's very
structured he's very routine it's a big
he he's a bread winner but he lost his
whole the way she writes it but she he
lost his whole like fun part of him when
he was younger as he's you know as life
is getting older he wants to know how to
tune back into that that he should tune
back into
that so so again I got you know without
knowing all the details you can't really
give a clear picture but that happens a
when you know this a lot of
responsibilities these kids and the
stuff happening and then the couple just
grows apart I want to clar make sure
everybody listening so we're talking
about the adult part is the responsible
serious one who takes care of all the
serious tasks and the child part is the
one that's having fun going out
toas it's not that they're a child
they're just living more exciting so
that we're just using people I don't
want people to get mix up between child
and adult meaning like actual child and
actual adult so the question is really
his husband became super serious he
needs to be more fun and young what
happened to that she missed that's what
she was attracted to when she married
him so how did she get him to spark back
into
that right so so again with I I don't
know all the details but what happens is
if he had a Child part and no one she
dat him he was funloving he was gmach so
stuff in life happens right these kids
and his bills and these stressors
there's a lot of different factors it
could be Stress Management it be other
things but the big piece is none of this
really is going to make the marriage
um to make the marriage enjoyable that
is itself a separate effort so there has
to be time set aside so go on a date
night go on a vacation to bring it out
there has to be the right setting if the
husband's what do you say or something
if if if he's always if you're always in
a setting where he has to do dull tasks
so then it's not going to come out but
if the wife wants it to change if that's
the only issue there may be other things
but there all all the stresses all the
things that need to be done the adult
side is um is the only one that has the
opportunity to come
out so if you put a set time in or you
put a concerted effort into focusing on
on ways to bring out the child part the
way they did when they were dating so
then that that might
work so I heard is one point or there
was four points I heard one point about
explaining the child in the adult and
adult and child what would be the what
was the next Point say I you blocked
that for a second it was four point that
you were coming to make
right so there's just the concept of
adult and child there's the a marriage
that that's based in child only then
there's the adult perspective on
marriage the FR perspective
right and how that looks different from
the non um adult perspective in marriage
and then application those are the four
I I guess not that's not four set points
but four segments of the of the of the
concept it's parts and Jewish
perspective and how that play um goes
together would you say that while we're
talking about these two
parts there are people who need to do a
lot of
healing talking about we discussed
before the
triggers um to to connect to that child
to that you know inner self that fun
having a good time some people are cut
you know shut down for a reason based on
who knows what you
know yeah so what do you do about that
when someone shows up in the office and
starts talking about their life and
they're missing that that fun
part
so so obviously there's uh it depends
really on the context but there's a lot
of reasons why someone
child Parts can be shut can be shut down
um a lot of times it's not that they
don't have their the fun side of the
child part it's more that there's a lot
of triggering going on in the marriage
so there's an opportunity for the fun
side to come
out if all there is going if the only
side of the child has an opportunity
marriage to come out is is the you know
the impulsive angry hurt side then
nobody wants to have fun when they're in
that state all the time so that's very
often
happens but there's definitely people
who have their child side shut down that
that's uh depending on what you know on
the circumstances a lot of times trauma
can do
that and part of the work is to help the
person find that but also to feel to
allow themselves to access it there's a
reason why it was shut down I don't want
to get too deep into trauma work but
there's a reason why that that that part
of them is shut down it wasn't it wasn't
either acceptable safe whatever in their
childhood for that part of them to be
revealed it would have been depending
you know it could have been abused
because if they just happy go lucky they
could punch in the nose if to make sure
you're on your game you got do what
you're supposed to do it's not okay to
be happy right so there's a lot that
goes into it there's uncovering the
parts that are blocking the um the happy
side the enjoyable fun CH side of the
child and but I would say more of the
time that's not the issue more of the
time it's that the there's so much
pain that they're not having you know a
lot of these people a lot of people are
coming to they could have fun with other
they could have fun with their friends
but in the marriage that side is not
coming up because there's so much pain
there's so much triggers there so much
negativity because of the child
parts that's really the bigger problem
I'm not saying what you're saying is not
common but I'm just saying in regard to
marriage no I hear I hear what you're
saying if he could have a you know if
he's having a lot of fun at work and
he's
in different areas in his life he has
that part when he walks home he loses it
obviously it's a it's a marriage issue
that he feels over there he can't bring
it out and that brings us to you know
what we discussed even last week
discussing for men to be
vulnerable and it's harder for a for a
male to you know bring out that
childlike part and have a good time and
many times it could be they tried once
or twice and you know whe shame comes up
or um whatever it is that they decide
you know what never
again that's interesting you're you're
mixing vulnerability into the fun there
there's two
um there's two sides to that there's
definitely people who are who have a
hard time having fun
vulnerability is more at least that what
commonly what I see is more about
showing feelings so being tough being
guarded not showing emotion not showing
caring that's not a lack of fun as much
as it's um it's a guardedness from
showing that you that you have softer
more that you feel
hurt because the man's not GNA want to
that's a very common male trait in
general and that will that will bother
the wife a lot right but there's another
thing that there there's there two
separate things I would say
vulnerability is more about showing more
vulnerable emotions showing that you're
hurt showing that you care showing but
then there's fun that could be related
to vulnerability but it's very often a
separate
thing it's not a fear of vulnerability
in having fun it's either you don't know
how to have fun or it's there's so much
negativity so you're not going to allow
that side to come
up does that make sense
yes let's go to some live questions okay
meute what yeah
yeah can you hear me yes okay hi thank
you so much um so if I understand
correctly there's the um a trigger which
puts somebody into child so you're
speaking to spouse and then all of a
sudden um whatever you said or they or
however this came across all of a sudden
they're a child and the conversation is
done for whatever just because you're
talking to a child and you're not
speaking to your spouse
anymore um my question is I assume and
you didn't move to the application the
fourth part of this this yet you know
practically from what I understand is
well we have to talk about the healing
around this goes like well let's try to
stay away from triggers as much as
possible for you know a husband and wife
we want to love each other and care
about each other and not on purpose at
least trigger each other um and then the
other part is to you know do our own
work on how we react to triggers so if a
child is triggered then we tell them you
know I understand you're upset but just
because you're upset you can't you know
spill juice on your brother's head right
so just because you're upset about the
conversation we expect our spouse to
even though they are triggered to
somewhat stay adult so I mean that's I
guess the ideal I don't know if that's
possible I'm not the I don't have the
the the certification to know that first
of all so I mean maybe just clarify that
point is it possible to stay adult once
triggered and I mean I hope it is you
know that's an expectation we ask our
kids just because you're upset don't
hate your brother um you're allowed to
be upset um so is there a chance where
we could trigger a spouse and the the
conversation could possibly continue and
the first question is you
know as as a spouse do I have to dance
around triggers or could we say hey
I'm going to act like an adult and if
you get triggered it's on you to work on
it so what you know maybe to clarify the
question what percentage of healing
should be focused on dancing around
somebody else's triggers and that
shouldn't come across in a mean way it's
not like I don't love my spouse and I
don't want to protect them from triggers
but it's it's real world question and
then what percentage of the
responsibility of healing Le on the
person who's turning it into a child and
saying Hey sir I'm sorry that you're
triggered but I'm your wife I'm not you
know you still can't B oranges on my
head or whatever whatever the equivalent
would be of of you know a spouse turning
into a
child very you have there's a lot of
points there all very good questions um
so let's go through a few of them and
you know just if I miss one of them just
ask again so whose responsibility is it
to deal with triggers so if the person
who has the triggers has an adult
um an adult part of the brain then it's
their responsibility to deal with their
triggers right now we all get triggered
so that that doesn't mean that the
spouse is not going to have some
understanding and compassion in when it
happens especially the person has a a
hard time especially hard time if they
have a hard background or they have you
know just a lot of anxiety or whatever
the issue is but ultimately the
responsibility has to be with the person
who's having the trigger not the spouse
because it's it's their brain they're
the only one who fix it right
so at least the work that I do is very
focused on the person owning themselves
healing themselves owning themselves
that doesn't mean that their spouse is
perfect but that you have no control
over what your spouse does you only have
control over yourself so controlling
yourself and working through your own
things um won't guarantee that you that
your spouse does what you want but it's
the only thing you could do
so I know there's other models that that
think otherwise but the model that I use
is very much the responsibility of the
person um who has the trigger to deal
with their trigger again that doesn't
mean that the spouse is um is not having
any Rus and compassion and understanding
doesn't mean that you you know they they
um they get punished like you punish a
kid it could be understanding especially
with the person's working on it but the
responsibility ultimately has to be with
the person who has the
trigger um that's one what was there's a
few other points what what could be the
expectations so
so so again the circumstance is going to
be very different dependent on on what
happened but when you tell a kid you
can't do this to you trigger what you're
saying is the the the the the thing
that's appropriate to tell the kid is
you can't punch your sibling in the nose
it doesn't mean you can't be angry now
if you're angry you may not be able to
go over to your sibling and give him a
hug right because that's just the the
biology of what a trigger is so just
because you expect your spouse to behave
themselves to be appropriate right
they're not ranting raving screaming
doesn't mean that they can have the
conversation depending on what the
conversation is if you want them to have
an adult conversation you have to make
an allowance for biology if at that
moment the right triggered their brain
is not functioning now you could say I
get your brain's are functioning but you
can't yell on Scream you can't write
Rave you can't insult you can't make um
faces because there's a very big
difference between controlling your
feelings and your thoughts thoughts and
controlling your behaviors Behavior can
always be control and that's a very
reasonable expectation it's not no one's
going to be perfect you know you make
allowances for when uh the person is
working on it but that's a reasonable
expectation to make from a kid it's not
reasonable to tell the kid what he's
thinking and he shouldn't feel angry
because he has no control over
that um okay so so just yes so I
understand that so just to CL like just
to to paraphrase and just to make sure I
understand correctly I I could expect
from a spouse to say hey I can't have
this conversation now I'm triggered or
maybe I mean obviously in the ideal
world he would realize he's triggered
and he can't have it but I would say hey
usually usually it's the other spouse
who uh right that's and then the other
one says like I'm come I'm coming I'm
not triggered I'm not triggered yeah um
so you know ideally we would say um you
know okay obviously this conversation is
is not it's not a good time for this
conversation you're not calm you're not
you know it's not a rational
conversation now the the expectation of
you know the the spouse who's who's you
know adult who or who's still adult
before they lose their coal is to is to
walk away from the conversation and just
the expectation is hey as long as they
didn't behave on their trigger I should
give them their time to cool off like
let him go to his man cave let him have
his time to cool off and try again there
there there isn't an expectation and I
and I'm just I I understand that I'm not
questioning that there is like oh hey I
could be triggered I continued the
conversation which means continuing the
conversation would be the equivalent of
hugging your brother even though you're
angry at him depending what the
conversation is right if if the
conversation is
um um budgeting or the conversation is
um where you going for things that
require an adult part of the brain it's
unreasonable to ask the kid to do it
that to ask the the spouse to do it that
if it's like the spouse is the kid is
the same
yeah so the ideally each person is going
to be learn how to resolve that how to
calm down that part of the brain and
return back you know immediately back to
normal but it's not reasonable to expect
within the triggered state that they're
going to sit and have
a bean conversation on something you
know on a heavy topic okay I'm just
going to take the Liberty to ask you the
one more specific question while I'm I
have the mic but you could I don't know
if you could answer this um without more
information what would be a healthy
turnaround time to coming back from a
tri trigger and it obviously depends
what the trigger is and depends on a
thousand other factors but at what point
would you say like whoa that's like no
matter what you you don't need seven
years to com you mean like where would
that number be for you there is no
um there there's definitely no set time
but there's a lot of tools that this
it's a very it's a very good question
because it's a little bit complex woman
coming to a man who needs a man cave
like where what what extent what is what
is normal or what is or what is still
within reason when do they need
therapy yeah so so there's really two
there's triggering there's two points
here right when someone gets triggered
what me that means that somebody said
something and it set off a certain
um set off turned off the prefrontal
cortex it turned off the adult part of
the brain and now they're in the child
part
now there's tools that can restore that
right there's many different techniques
that can bring the adult back but even
if not that doesn't last forever what
happens the reason why people stay in
the state is because based on their
history or the personality type of Many
Many Factors they're chewing it over
again again they're so bothered they're
insulted they're hurt so they're staying
in that state they're in their mind
reviewing it you can you can get you can
get triggered you could trigger yourself
from morning till night if you would
like to right you don't need anybody to
to help you out you could just sit and
think about one thing whenever you think
about that it sets you off and it has
the exact same effect as if you were
with the person that's what actually
trauma is in a nutshell I mean it's a
lot more complex than that but not that
you're triggering yourself but something
from the past is wired into the brain
and consistently sending off danger
signals without somebody doing it right
so when somebody's like you said you're
addressed example somebody's stuck uh
seven years because of that one thing
that's not triggering that's a separate
issue triggering is a is a is a very
quick sharp thing that happens boom sets
off and then it settles but then it
continues right when that continues
that's not the triggering um cycle it's
the person's other issues that are
making them uh get stuck in it or could
be because there's a lot in I shouldn't
say the person's issues there's a lot of
factors why they could happen maybe it's
the dynamic in the marriage they're very
hurt by this cons what their spouse said
to them and they always do that and it's
very hurtful it could there's many
factors but the point is that's not
trigger trigger is in the moment and
then it's done it could be 10 minutes 15
minutes if it's just the trigger and it
doesn't have to be that long if you have
the right tools you could in a minute
you can bring yourself back to being you
know two minutes whatever in the other
person again also really depends on if
if this if it if it's something that
lasts longer there's more to the picture
than just child adult
triggering it's well it's it is child
and adult but it's more than just a
trigger no it's there's a reason why
that the the child part is why the
person is getting stuck in their child
part yes okay right it's not just that
trigger
yeah it's not necessarily old their
history you know there's a lot of
factors what happens in the marriage is
very relevant to why that why the person
will get stuck it's usually it's over
the same things right the same type of
dynamic the same type of issues that
come up that will set each person into
their um you know this their their the
habit of whatever they do when they're
upset
right okay thank you so much time a lot
of questions coming in okay let's let's
get to these questions here a
second Hi how are you hi it's me yep
yeah so I'm extremely anxious I'm I'm
nervous asking a question like
on really um like stage right so I have
questions and
some questions and comments combined on
the area in the area of addiction in his
house so the first question
is I I want to hear your take you know I
have my own experience how how can a
person who's so messed up still be
denial like for many many many
years
um
also like is it different when the
addiction is not clearcut addictions
like you don't fit into neatly to a
specific category but it's it's like
behaving like an addict
and you know for example like the way
one handles money like you know like
he's he's not a gambler he doesn't go to
casino but his way of handling money and
doing business is like a g like with a
gambling brain so I just want to hear if
it's different than like if you do
neatly fit into account category of
addiction and then say I'm sorry could
you clarify you want to know if what if
certain Behavior fits into
addiction hello should I ask one
question at a time yeah yeah okay so how
can a person be so messed up in like in
others eyes in so much pain and still be
in denial and claim that they're not in
pain
and um they're okay and they're not
suffering and they clearly are so messed
up they're clearly suffering or they're
clearly messed up because one is about
how they experience it and one is how
you experience
them
so perhaps there are different Natures
different personalities like some
Natures are more introspective
maybe um they are going to be very s
suffering if they're all messed
up maybe some people can afford to live
in denial and maybe they're not
suffering as much as I think they would
be
suffering but they're in they're so
messed up for so many years and still
the loyal but that everything's
okay so yeah it it sounds like there's a
lot of pain and on uh from both sides
yeah there
again without knowing the details it's
hard to know what's going on but the
more the more if somebody has the we all
have Denial on some level right
everybody has some level of denial
that's that's it's a very um
basic defense mechanism that's built
into us and it's a healthy one actually
because if we didn't have denial then
everything that ever happened to us we
would be thinking about all the time
that's the problem is when it takes over
and it's excessive and we can't see
ourselves honestly so there's a reason
why the denial is there because it's
whatever's whatever is happening
underneath is too much to cope with but
the more somebody tells them how much
pain they have actually the stronger
their coping mechanism is going to be
because they have to fight you know the
the more they have to fight to cover the
pain the stronger the the fight is GNA
the stronger the cover is going to be so
that happens with everybody that's that
you said you mentioned addiction that
happens a lot in addiction that's part
of the add addiction process now you you
know we're not talking about your
specific details because I wouldn't need
to know more but in general denial is a
very big part of addiction because if
the person didn't have denial there
wouldn't be an addiction they destroying
their life so denial is very much a part
of the addictive process but it's
everybody has um denial so the more you
try to show someone that they're in
denial the more denial you're going to
get so how do we deal with that uh with
that child part so like I would say
there's no friction at this point point
because one party is very very accepting
but it doesn't take away the pain like
there's Harmony because you're accepting
of this part there's no anger anymore
but but there's still a lot of pain yeah
seeing your close seeing a close person
so messed up it you know it messes you
up you know your equilibrium it's yeah
of course
so that that's a
big point of of focus that I wanted to
focus on today that that there's a lot
of suffering and a lot of people in
marriages are in a lot of
pain that's that's it's it's very
painful
when it's painful in any way but when
there is a bigger picture it it gives
context to it so if the goal of the
marriage is only happiness so then the
pain is going to be compounded because
then you're not getting the whole point
is just that you're having fun and
enjoying each other and you're not now
there's going to be pain regardless but
when there's a bigger picture you're
raising a family you're giving over
whatever your idea your values are and
you're working on yourself which sounds
like you are very much right so when
when those things help the pain they
don't get rid of it can't get rid of it
but the the pain itself as part of the
of the
tkid right it doesn't make it easy to
deal with but it does give it a meaning
which alleviates it a
lot now obviously these other ways of of
psychological ways of of heal you know
of of working through pain the From
perspective is definitely a
psychological thing but you don't need
to go to a therapist to have that
perspective it takes work it's hard but
that that helps um give context to the
pain it makes it a lot more
tolerable okay let's go the next
question hold on mute okay hi how are
you hi so I have two questions uh one I
want to know I'm I'm doing this for a
while already and I'm aware aware most
of the time of all my parts but why when
it a trigger comes I
just react as with with my child part
and then I have such like two minutes
later M two minutes and then I would say
sorry sorry but it keeps on happening
and it really irks me because I I I
really I I know it already and it's in
me and I'm conscious about it but I
still when the trigger comes where is
this adult to just behave this is one
question my second question is about
parents that usually act with their
child um if I'm supposed to feed their
their toxic Behavior or how how to deal
with it
so the first question um again that I
need more detail but the the goal when
you're triggered it sounds like you're
actually doing a very good job from what
you're describing because you're
becoming aware which is the first step
also the goal is not to be an adult
that's a very important point when you
get trigger the point is not okay let me
be an adult you can't your goal is to
resolve the trigger your goal is to
learn how to Cal down like we said go to
your room and smash the windows right
parts right so yes but it doesn't need
to be a whole
um it doesn't need to be so deep no I'm
not talking about therapy you doing
therapy what it's new for me that uh a
CH I I did think that a child is is more
of a negative thing not not that I want
to get rid of my child but to accept it
but I did think that it's more of like
we don't want to act like child we we
always want to be an adulthood right and
and acting like an adult isn't it
that I'm I'm I'm actually using a
different model test trauma and form
stab stabilization treatment but the
goal I don't think an ifs either the
goal is not to always be what they call
an ifs itself the goal is that you're
led by the self no the who's driving the
car right just because you're driving
doesn't mean you kick out the kids from
the back seat lead him on the side of
the road right of course so it just
means who's driving so when so let's say
let's say a f um just gets comes
in just for a few minutes and and I love
my part because it's really here
to protect me right but I don't want to
be a so Here Comes This Very I I'm
I'm I want to accept it but then I don't
want to be a so you get me so that
you're you're coming from ifs
perspective
um so accept don't use
let's say just that I'm
reacting with a trigger the goal in the
moment is not to accept that's that's
that's not the goal the goal in the
moment is your marriage so in the moment
if you notice you're triggered you're
going to be mindful of what you say and
do because you know that it's not going
to be very reliable right the goal is
not acceptance that's what you do
afterwards of course you feel guilty you
feel ashamed and you feel conflicted and
you feel like right but in the moment
your go is
to is to preserve your your your
marriage so right I was a already
so what now two minutes two minutes a
later right so then you accept
yourself all right we make mistakes
we're all human no but it keeps on
happening so I again I don't know all
the details what should she do next time
what could she do next time so there's
many techniques um I don't know what I
don't know what techniques you've been
using there's there's a lot of
techniques that are very helpful the
first the the first thing that need to
it's not even so much a technique the
first thing is notice that you're
triggered right it's not enough to know
afterwards you have to know in the
moment when you trigger now how do you
know in the moment when you're triggered
most people I would say most of my
clients they don't know their spouse
knows they're triggered and they know
when their spouse is triggered right but
if you don't know if you're triggered
then you're not then you're going to
keep having the same problem again again
which is what you're
saying so you know you know when you're
triggered there's a few SIDS one of them
is you're talking
fast right why you do that if you're
talking fast you're triggered if you're
talking um very loud We're not gonna say
yelling because no one ever says they're
yelling but we saying we'll say
loud if you're talking loud very loud
you're probably triggered if you're
making faces you're probably
triggered so those are cues right if you
could get if you could notice when
you're triggered then your job is not to
accept yourself your job is not to act
like an adult your job is to make sure
that you do what needs to be done in
that moment so if it's an uh important
conversation you say you know I'm
triggered give me a couple minutes I'll
be right back you go do your Technique
smash the windows whatever it is and
then you come
back but the goal is not to be an adult
in that moment the goal is to resolve
the trigger the goal is also not to
accept that is that answer your
question I'm
mut Okay so so it's great where you
answer me but let me I'm not always a
just for the people that listen
I'm I'm I'm I'm a good wife but just for
the too many times that triggers come in
I I was I want to stop it that's
it right so so again there's no way I
can talk to your specific situation
without knowing all the details what I'm
saying is you saying the goal is to
recognize it and try to calm yourself
down you could do the work in deep
therapy IFS MDR all these other
modalities to help yourself even at home
it's not yeah there's a lot of things
you can do at home but but to fix
yourself when it happens no if someone's
in therapy the goal in the moment is not
pro like you're not GNA process that's
not the goal the goal is very behavioral
behave yourself for a lack of better
right just make sure for your own s
because you want to preserve the
relationships so now you and behaving
means you can do what you need to to
calm yourself to be there for yourself
so that you can then return to the
conversation let's go through a second
I go what sorry yeah what was the second
question question is when you have
parents that act like children and they
you know they you
know they act like two years old like
how do you deal with that you supposed
to again it's a little more complicated
it's not a spouse it's all there a lot
different things like how you parents
are acting like children so so yeah
there definitely it's definitely a very
uh complicated question also very very
common issue that comes up but it's
going to be the same principles without
getting into the details um
you're going to have to be the adult
because because it's one thing to ask it
from your spouse but once you're once
you're married and you're out of the
house you're not getting your your
parents or your in-laws
um to be an adult if they haven't you
know if they haven't figured out that
it's not working the way it's working
that's it's that usually leads to bit to
much greater conflict the goal for you
is that you maintain your adulthood um
in that relationship sometimes it's
unpleasant B boundaries are not fun
nobody likes to put up boundaries but
you do need to put up boundaries the
parents will be upset they'll be upset
sometimes not sometimes you do cater to
it right because whether it's you want
to preserve the relationship but there's
there's no way to really answer what to
do without having all the details but
the point is it's G be the same
principles that the only way for that to
work is is going to be if you make sure
that you stand in your adult but it's
not contradicting with the TOA this
boundaries and everything
um so again without KN all the details
it's impossible to answer boundaries by
defin like just the concept of
boundaries is not against the Tyra um
there definitely can be boundaries that
are so that's where you know the details
are very relevant you're gonna have to
speak to um to your own R about the
specifics of the boundaries the concept
of boundaries by itself is not anti at
all
no I want to go back to the um to the
other to the person right before I
because I want to say there's one other
point that I wanted to mention there's a
v that that um is a really a really nice
V it's very relevant I think it's for
it's very important for everybody
especially if somebody has a lot of pain
in marriage so by a we have the b in
right by you cover the face and
then by the you uncover it why do we do
that so you uncover the face because
yaku got tricked by Lan and married Leia
right so we uncover the face to make
sure that the woman that you're marrying
is actually the right one and it wasn't
just like it's a minic because you know
because that's what happened we're
making sure that it's actually the right
one under the the uh The Veil The
question is why are you covering in the
first place just leave it uncovered
right you have to cover it and then
uncover it when you get to the to the so
I heard from Rabbi Aaron you know what
I'm talking about I've been telling you
all his vs for a long time but the
reason why is because
every person that you marry with man and
woman there's a r and a Leia the r is
the one you dated and the one that you
like and that you're excited about and
the one that you think that you're
getting but there's also a Leia every
every spout a man and a woman it's not I
mean we only have the you know R and Le
for the woman but go you call yob and
ASA whatever for the um for the man but
the point is it's a it's a parts of art
cuz the woman that you're marrying and
the man that you're marrying has many
parts the ones that you know and the
ones that you don't know you're going to
find out when you get married and you're
not going to like those
parts but we're covering it because
that's what marriage is it's not
supposed to be perfect it's supposed to
have pain and you're supposed to work
through it and your your Basher very
often is working through the Leia in the
other in in your
spouse and you know most of the sh came
from Leia not from not from ra so it's a
very important it's a very it gives a
lot of to people because it's not a
glitch pain in marriage is not like a
you know you got the raw end of the
stick it's it's it happen everybody has
it and it's actually part of the process
it's meant to be that way it's built
into it it's it's part of the
system okay let's go to the next
question you're
on okay so um talking a little
bit you're talking a little bit about
you know the fun part and and sort of
tying it a lot to the child and Coach
man was mentioning you know the dating
the fun the excitement and we're sort of
allocating that to the child part of the
brain but what as far as the adult side
if you want to be more you know focused
on that where's the true
happiness that um or excitement that
you'll have on the adult side of the
marriage so Happ yeah Happiness and
happiness and excitement are are a
little bit different Happ is a very
generic term that people use but
everybody means different things
so it depends like
excitement is it depends what it's
coming from but excitement usually is
coming from the limic
system limic system is not the adult
part of the brain that doesn't mean that
the adult can't be excited no I'll give
you an example let's say
um let's say
someone finish us right they're very
excited about
now they're excited about an adult
accomplishment so the lmic system is
sort of synced the child part of the
brain or the emotions that originating
in the child part of the brain is synced
with the adult it's coming because it's
for an adult goal but it's originating
in the child part of the
brain now you said so that's excitement
excitement is limic system
emotion excitement is very similar to
anxiety actually and anxiety also is
lyic system
so it's originating in the LIC system so
your is your question is how do you
achieve excitement or is that the child
adult what's the what's the
question um now the question is what
what should be if you want to look at
let's say the ideal marriage what should
be the ideal sources of happiness is it
just the date nights where you're
bringing like you know everyone saying
that's your child side where you're
bringing out the dating having fun again
um which I I think we're all agreeing is
maybe the more childish side of the
child side of the brain if you will but
what should be as a mature adult what
should be the focus and where is true
toic if you
will happiness in a marriage good
question I I just I had a quote the
other day I want to see if I can find it
but
um
giving right so people want to feel
loved and feel connected but when you
give it to someone else that gives a lot
of um happiness to people think like I'm
saying everybody can relate to whether
you do it for a spouse or for a kid but
when you do something without not
because you expect nothing going to get
something back you do something just
because you want to do something nice it
feels really really
good so the if you if you're talking
about the adult happiness in marriage it
comes from being able to love someone
else do something for someone else care
about someone
else to do that you got to make sure
that you know how to uh manage the
system keep the kid in the back and the
adult in the front because if you don't
the kid is only focused on what he wants
or she wants but if you're able to work
with that child part of the brain so
then the adult pleasure comes from
actually the opposite making someone
else happy being supportive of someone
else loving someone else being there for
someone
else or the accomplishment you mentioned
before accomplishment is the adult
making the decision to finish house and
when he does does that it's sync
together with the
excitement so what we're looking for is
the balance to be able to have both
parts you know in the right place
exactly so he was asking more about what
is the this there's many Pleasures
there's the let's say the date night
happiness but then what's the
adult satisfaction or joy in the
marriage not the the child prob be like
yeah we played a board game together we
had fun together right
okay so basically let's let's let's
let's a little do we're holding over
here so basically we started off that we
understand the concept that there's
there's an child all of us and as an
adult right that's the part we're
focusing on tonight and we're trying to
understand that when we have these
issues in marriage and communication
sometimes we see that child part coming
out on ourselves and sometimes we see it
coming out on our spouse you said
ultimately the responsibility lays on
the person who has the trigger it's not
it's not the person has to dance around
the person's trigger right we have
to to it so the M if somebody does have
a trigger right obviously the big like
this lady was on at least acknowledges
it which is like probably more than 50%
of the cure to realize that you have it
but like what would be like I guess if
you see that your marriage is rough what
could a person do to self-analyze
himself to realize maybe I am acting
like a child and maybe all my points I'm
trying to make and all my tenas and
she's wrong and he's right and he did
say he didn't say I I want to say the
story cuz I think it's very relevant I
had somebody by me a few weeks ago
whatever they're having sh Bas ises and
they're older people so they were in the
50s and I was just looking at them I
turned to them both the middle of the
conversation I said you guys are both
acting like two-year olds like for real
they both looked at me and they once
started laughing I was like he's like
you guys are arguing literally like
two-year-olds people are much older than
me like they're really in the high
50s and like they realized when I said
it to them like yeah they're they're
really arguing over stupid things so I
guess my question is the person who is
in the marriage that they're having
problems or I guess any relationship you
could take it out of the marriage what
could they do for themselves to do self
introspection to start seeing maybe
maybe there's a 1% possibility that
you're not perfect that maybe you have
some type of Trigger or inner wounded
wounded child sorry inner wounded part
inside of you that's making it very
difficult to deal with
so it's actually a lot easier than
you're making it sound because you don't
have to do so much introspection it's a
very very easy thing you got to do go to
your spouse and ask them what am I doing
wrong your spouse will happily comply
and give you a full Shear on exactly all
the things now you may not agree with it
but you're saying if someone actually
wants to be open then pretty easy to
find out doesn't mean the spouse is
right but I'll give you a pretty rough
pretty rough idea and just see just see
how that feels and then you'll you'll be
in touch with that child well no one
likes to hear that that doesn't
necessarily mean you have a big
problem I think what happens is when
somebody let's let's use the financial
thing as a good example right the guy
let's just use it they they talk about
money and one likes to spend a lot one
doesn't anytime it comes to financial
somebody's having a blowout second they
turn spouse and say well any time comes
the money you act like a child the
person will be like goes I like to enjoy
my money I like to spend it you like to
save every penny so they go back into
the logic not that I have a trigger it's
because your is so wrong in this I'm
totally normal that's that's part of the
problem
so that's not really true because the
reason why they're getting triggered is
not because they difference of
opinion that's why the that's why
there's a reason that's why there's the
right setting for a trigger but just
because there's a pinion doesn't mean
what would that person do at work if
they disagree with their boss they're
not going to right there's a difference
between having difference of opinion and
a trigger just because you don't the
same opinion doesn't mean you have to go
renting and
raving so you have this opinion and you
deal with as an adult and everybody
knows what it means to been adult
because they do it in all areas of their
life
right now what about if somebody has a
trigger and they realize they have a
trigger would they be safe to tell it to
their spouse is the right thing to tell
it to your spouse that like say when it
comes to money I have a very difficult
time because of ab andc and it gets me
feeling nervous and scared would that be
prop thing to be vulnerable to your
spouse and tell them why why not I guess
I guess the question is what like what
what's the downside depends on if the
spouse is going to hit you with a bat
maybe not but like it's a pretty normal
spouse
and job is to be sensitive to it but
ultimately not the question of the job
it's not a question the it's not a qu no
this other spouse doesn't have to
downend the trigger it has to be
addressed just because you have a
trigger doesn't mean the is doesn't be
addressed but it does help your spouse
understand why this this keeps happening
like why whenever I bring this up do you
go nuts right so if they understand it
so then you can try to make the
conversation a way that works the other
spouse can be more
careful and they're also they're not
going to their spouse is not going to be
as bothered when randomly you go off the
rails right because like oh that's a
trigger okay yeah it could be used also
like in like a derogatory way oh he's
acting crazy again here we
go it could be weap it could be
weaponized but is the guy acting nuts
like if he's acting nuts she she doesn't
need to say I'm triggered it's all over
the place right like e either he's
acting nuts or he's not acting nuts
saying that as a trigger is not going to
really be the problem because anybody
listen to this program they actually
feel they have the trigger that they is
the job to really work on it to try to
figure out what's causing it and try to
like what's really the the
avoid I mean what's the avoid how do you
how do you really you don't want to act
like that right you don't want to be the
guy in SHO that the guy sits in your
place and you blow up you start
screaming you I always use that as an
example like you see this guy who's
totally normal and everything's great
and you see this like this guy just blow
up for some silly reason everybody
laughs at him right but really it's just
his child that that's you know something
got triggered in there something some
wounded child is in pain so might say
what is this job how how do you go about
healing what's like what's the Mal right
so if you this you there's an important
point that I want to clarify what you
just said because I think a lot of
people who who think of healing think
you know I have a child part I have
wounds I have things and I and when I
heal it then I'm going to get better but
it does not need to be that way and it
usually doesn't work that way this
there's the behavioral aspect and then
there's the emotional aspect how you
feel and how you act is what we're
calling at least a part of ch
you don't need to resolve all your
wounds to have a good marriage because
if you say like until I don't feel hurt
when you say this I'm going to act
nuts because you can work you can go to
therapy and work on on your you know on
your parts but you're G to ruin your
marriage in the meantime you're G to
burn it down so even if you have a lot
of wounds you have a lot of
triggers you don't need to solve all
those in order to solve the the a lot of
the issues of marriage again we're
talking about we're not talking about if
there a use we're talking
about we're talking about tonight
tonight's focus is not on severe
depression we're not talking about about
well everyday mar mar issues can be very
intense yeah correct no for sure they're
very intense we're talking about issues
that are very specific to triggers that
people are Tri Parts yeah trial Parts
not I want you know if somebody somebody
seven years in B in the Press is not
it's not a child part it's not they have
they have problems you know it's
different story over here talking about
people that that that could communicate
and have healthy relationships when it
comes to specific things it's like
almost like you're dealing with somebody
who's just not home and it happens with
everybody right everybody has some part
of them yeah so there yeah there's a lot
of different techniques we could do one
uh um we could do one here briefly this
you know especially for anger there's
different techniques for different
things I want to go back for a minute
before we get to that too could I go
back to iron for a minute iron Sunshine
sure sure sure um because there's a v
that I wanted to mention to
him so there's a famous V I think I mean
also I saw from but the sort of like
another
kage the word ish and
Isha um it's a famous V right so ish has
a y Isha has a ha in it if you take out
the yud from the ish you take out the ha
from Isha you have a fire if you have
with the Y and with the ha then you have
the Sham so without the sh hasem you
have fire with the shim hasem then you
have marriage I want to add one piece to
that what does it mean because it
doesn't mean like you learn sit and
learn together maybe it means that too
you know gaka and you know herir it
doesn't mean that it could mean that too
what it means the the the yud and the ha
are both
within the ish and the ISA it's not
separate right the Y is inside the word
the he is inside the word Isha you're
bringing the what it means to bring the
sh it means and bring you bring out the
sh hasem of within the Is So within each
of us we have qualities of of
um of of of of of bringing out those is
what it means to bring um to bring to
have is without the Fire doesn't mean
that you do from it means you bring out
your the the y in the is and the ha
within you so you bring out the Kim
within you which
is what are the what are the
of right acceptance compassion
forgiveness these are all what it means
to have the
sh that's where we're talk you know
about the the the um the adult joy in
marriage should we do a role
play yeah okay so you yeah you want me
you having Cas so you um you want me to
come up with one maybe come up with one
do with
I'm always the child so that's the way
we do it I'm always the the one in
pain yeah you want to come up with the
story um anger you looking for
anger anger yeah anger is a good one
because
um because if you're anxious like
there's lots of techniques for lighter
things anger is a hard one right you're
not going to go do breathing if you're
angry now do some deep breathing no
one's doing deep breathing if they're
angry it's like the last thing in the
world was doing you need something
that's going to really get the anger out
you have to vent it that's where he says
smash the windows that's not a good one
so there's techniques that can that can
help get the anger out you'll be the
wife you won't tell me that your
mother's coming for Yam for the whole P
including shaas afterwards and I'll be
the
spouse who's the angry well you could be
the angry I'm going to direct you what
to
do you be you be the wife tell me that
that you're that your parents are coming
for 12 12 days right all actually my
parents are um are coming for six months
okay okay so I'm just letting you know
now this is not going to work no I can't
what are you crazy we have no room they
make you crazy they're going to make you
nuts it's not going to work no way no
way I've seen that's not anger come on
get it
going absolutely not I'm smiling so it
can't be that no we need it's got to get
a little the lot anger
go we don't need to really role play I
could really explain what you would do
fast for right so you're yelling and
screaming you're yelling scream wife's
yelling and screaming that you're both
really mad at each other so this the
technique is called um mindfulness yes
it's called mindfulness yes it's nothing
to do with mindfulness but it's a very
it's a parts technique
now it's very simple to do I'm trying to
think if I should how in depth we should
go but basically you're gonna you're
gonna you know like we said before
you're G to end the conversation say
you're G to get back then you're gonna
go into another room
and you're going to address every
whenever you trigger there's three
levels to the trigger there's the
thoughts right she's a mus how deare she
um she always has to get her way she
never listens to me blah blah blah blah
blah that's the thoughts then there's
the emotion now they're they're all
there at the same time but the emotion
is
anger that's at least what you're
feeling when you work through it you'll
see there some other stuff going on
there too but that's level two then the
third aspect is the Body Sensations
it could be um there's a lump in my
throat there's um anger your body
shaking well right so the shame is a is
an emotion I'm talking about physical
shaking right your body's shaking your
muscles are tight your heart's raising
so what you do is you sit down and you
just say each
thought that you're having I say it yeah
well one second I'm going to tell you
what you do and then you're going to say
the word yes afterwards so you'll say
I'm not going to give in yes she always
does this yes why does she have to
always go get her way yes she knows I
can't stand her parents yes right you're
going to do that they'll do let's say 10
thoughts and then you're going to go to
your feelings now even though your
feelings are there all the same time but
this is the way it's broken down go to
your feelings and then you say I'm
furious yes I'm really angry yes I'm uh
enraged yes I'm hurt yes I feel uh
ignored yes I feel unheard yes yes and
then you going to go to your Body
Sensations you're going to say uh pit in
my stomach yes a pain in my back yes uh
lump of my throat yes now you can do
this you can do let's say 10 doesn't
matter exactly how much you're going to
do it um 10 of each now it's important
that you don't stop when you do it look
if you if you run out of things to say
you say blank yes blank yes you don't
sit and think you the point is has to be
very spont and the reason is because
what you're doing here you're accessing
all the feelings thoughts and emotions
of the child side of the brain but when
you say yes what you're doing is it's
basically the
adult part of the brain hearing
listening and acknowledging what the
child's feeling you don't have to think
about this you just say the word yes and
it really really really works very quick
and you do a few rounds before you
realize you you're automatically getting
into the positive your thoughts are
coming up yeah it's okay not a big deal
or it's like she'll give in the point is
it has to be unfiltered right so you
make sure the door is locked no kids are
listening we don't any uh four-letter
words or something similar that we had a
few of those tonight those those need to
be said but they can't you know it can't
be filtered if you're filtering it's not
going to work it's you got to get it all
out but you do it SP you do it fast
right you're not pausing thoughts
feelings Body
Sensations well interesting let's see if
it really works it it works and it works
very quick you do this for two three
minutes you'll be it's like you're you
completely backed yourself when you feel
like you're being triggered you feel
super angry you go into a room and you
say 10 emotional things that are
bothering you about it you're yeah
you're venting everything that's going
through your mind and why you doing
emotional logical you just why you just
say whatever comes through your mind
because there's many levels to what's
because what you're doing here is not
just um making sure that you don't say
the thing you don't want to your spouse
you're processing it you want to resolve
it to resolve it it needs to be
addressed on every level that it exists
so it exists on the cognitive level it
exists on an emotional level and exists
on a body
level right all everything that gets
disrupted on that on the uh child end is
getting disrupted on each on all three
levels it needs to be addressed on all
three
levels I'm just want some s a question
before what happens the the other way
you know there many women that's you
know they're running the house or their
Macho and when their husband is a little
bit um he wants to have a guitar and
brings out the child part and and they
don't know how to eat that they don't
know how to see that they're like wait a
second you're the man in the house I
mean they could have a hard time to
connect to that child part in their
husbands basically the woman's coming
all adult she's getting rid of her child
heart of the husband she's getting rid
of the husband she got rid of hers
long so so I want to I want to I want to
clarify what the question is is the
question is that she can't accept that
he has it
or is are you are you pointing out that
the roles can go in reverse it's it's
it's it gets mixed you know she by now
she doesn't want to accept it she
doesn't want to see it in him doesn't
like it doesn't know how to connect to
it and you know what do you want
so again obviously that details are very
relevant
but too much of the child part is not
good so you have to know what's going on
is it is he acting like a child when
it's time to be an
adult
um is it that the wife has to learn how
to
tolerate his child part is it both so it
depends it really it very much depends
is it could be the the the wife's Child
part not being able to tolerate his
child part because again child Parts
like we talked or it could be funloving
but it could also be critical negative
angry right so it really depends on the
context it doesn't matter if it's the
white it's the man or the woman it's the
same
Dynamic this it's like two siblings
fighting right so what we're looking for
balance what you're saying we need the
balance and everybody we both have both
you know and to understand when do I
need to bring the
adult and when the child is being
triggered when it's okay
to go out have a good time with the
child Parts you
know so there's is the Bal yeah I mean I
think well the the problem is when we
try to make it a little too uh rigid to
get it yeah to get it too we're not
going to get it perfect well we're never
gonna be perfect the point is to get the
concept so that you can make some some
small improvements right but no like if
you're G when should I be a child when
should I be the basic rule is try your
best to be your adult when you're having
adult
conversations you're trying to keep the
triggered child in the back seat that's
the concept now no one's going to do it
perfectly we right it's not unless when
we become Al we're never going to get
triggered and we're always going to act
the way we should but that's the basic
concept to try to keep the adult in the
driver's seat and the triggered kid in
the backseat and then the rest of the
time you could have both it doesn't have
to be a perfect balance I think it's
impossible to also because every person
is different every couple's different
you figure out what works for
you okay let's go to the closing segment
um and then we'll wrap it up leave you
to leave us with closing thoughts first
I want
say coming on tonight giving a lot of
I'm very happy we tackled this topic a
very small important topic but carries a
lot of weight in it
and hopefully we'll get back into it in
really depthly maybe another time time
tonight's sh is 1220 if anybody wants to
hear this uh if any wants to join the
the chats text us at 732 314710 and say
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we'll be discussing comedy and
therapeutic he mixes therapy and comedy
together it's very interesting concept
again it's just a concept um it's called
healing humor therapy means laugh improv
healing can comedy mix with therapy help
heal deep wounds and Trauma be something
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Central and from JN I'll go
first will and it but uh in closing just
want to say tonight we feel this is a
very important topic um to understand
different parts when we're living with
people um again we're very focused on
the child part what you can call
whatever you want you call it inner
child you can call it the immature part
you can call it the fun part whatever
you want to call it but basically it's
the part that's not uh very you know
straight shooter very rational it's the
part that I guess it's funny I guess
it's childish that part has a young part
of in us that gets wounded and sensitive
that's why I mentioned the story that
happened few a few weeks ago by me you
can see somebody 50 60 70 doesn't make a
difference to age um when that part gets
triggered or gets activated let you use
a different word than triggered because
I feel I'm getting triggered from the
word triggered
already that part gets activated um you
see a lot of
unmature actually embarrassing behavior
and I think that as adults when people
act like that we try to rationalize why
why we're acting that way because this
person said this and this person did
this and she said this and he said that
we use all the logic because we're
actually embarrassed from the behavior
because it's pretty embarrassing as an
older adult to be upset when somebody
says something to you or somebody does
something to you we're pretty rational
people so when we see that happens we
need to really focus on oursel and try
to really figure out what's causing that
and try to work on that again there's a
lot of different therapies a lot of
different deep therapies you could do
but if we could get to a place where we
don't get triggered so often or so much
you can leave more you can lead more
productive lives for sure have better
marriages I have to just tell you
marriage is the one that brings out this
this inner child more than anything else
like you could you could have successful
in your work you could be successful in
everything else with your friends even
but marriage certain things like can't
like run from this inner child this is
like where made it specifically for
their growth um specifically marriage
and a few other things but can't like
run from it so again I think I feel
tonight's point that we should take from
it is to recognize it if we recognize it
try to deal with it and try to I think
also be sensitive to your spouse that
has it try to be open with your spouse
that this is something that bothers you
and together could you know it's scary
for a man to be vulnerable but if you
could be some vulnerable and be honest I
think it helps the relationship then
together you work it and then you could
reach a place where you could see the
guy get upset and he turns his wife and
say yeah I think I just got you know
activated and uh yeah exactly he's laugh
because it's not even reality but that
would be no no my my horror is on the
word activated that the word triggered
I'm just like I heard so much of this
word already not tonight just in general
like it's such such a like o SP word
like I'm getting sick of it already so
um that's that's my word for tonight and
uh coach you triggered
me so thank you thank you very much and
uh we heard a lot of good things tonight
just just a few ideas and so like we
heard um the spiritual side that where
you know Shem has a plan we don't always
understand it and part of it is
marriage and um that's why we we do hear
many times people have a hard time and
um that's AIC itself to understand that
that's part of it like you said it's not
a glitch it's part of it and now we have
to try to figure it out and how do we
grow how do wecome and what's the what's
what's the
challenge um an idea what I was think
thinking is that there are many people
who have a hard
time doing
self-care to take care of themselves and
that could be that's connecting with
that that child part that you don't know
how to connect to because that's really
what it needs when you need your coffee
or you like ice cream and you want to go
for a walk it's taking care of yourself
it's something that you need it's a need
that you you know you want to say no I
don't need it I'm fine I never get upset
no no no no no understand there's
something inside of you there's another
side and to connect to it what does it
need like you said you listen to
it and what's important is we're not
getting rid of it we have it and we need
it it's part of life it's part of us
can't get we're not getting rid of it
understand how it works and you know try
to see which one is in the driver's seat
but it's there learn how to deal with it
how to be there with it and forget about
spouse even for yourself have a
productive life is to understand
yourself to understand what what do you
needs what you know your ticks your ups
and downs how to deal with yourself and
uh that's going to help you to connect
with your spouse to understand theirs
put yourself in their
shoes so um yeah it's a very specific
idea that we heard today but it's really
very you know NE in a lot of places and
it could be work like we heard from many
people if it's if it's something that
you have ready for
years and many times it does need
therapy to sit and understand what
should I do it happen so many times I
know I'm doing it wrong what should I do
and uh reach out for help so thank you
very much for joining us tonight and uh
thank you for me mem we should be able
to take the concepts one step at a
time CH leave us with the thoughts after
yeah well I want to just summarize
really um because we we got a lot into
the nitt gr about the child but that
that's not the only point that I that
was uh that was important so if I'm
going to summarize a few things one
um everyone's got the very com everybody
a lot of people who are struggling in
the marriage think it's a glitch that we
mentioned earlier it's like they're the
only one but it's part of it's part it's
it's part of the design and every every
couple has to work through things and
there's many many couples that are
struggling but the point is that the
perspective really makes a very big
difference in um tolerating it working
through it and being happy in life
because if you have the perspective not
just that it's meant to be that way but
also what's the purpose of the whole
marriage thing if you don't know why
you're doing it then you're G to get
very bogged down by all the pain in it
but if you know why you're doing it it's
for your personal growth it's to raise a
family it's to become more like Hashem
so that's the
from or yishai perspective but it's also
the adult and that has to be the The
Guiding Light in the marriage if you
know why you're doing it then you could
withstand and work through a lot of
things if you don't know why you're
doing it and you don't have your eye on
the your eye on the prize that's when
you get bogged down by all the builtin
inevitable struggles so that's a that's
a very important point the child and
adult is not just about triggering it's
also about making sure that you have the
adult capacity but adult perspective the
adult perspective is a very very
important point
and the other point is that you're not
missing out anything by developing this
perspective it's not a um you know push
through persevere old school model we
talked about Victor Frankl but it's
really you know if you check out Susan
David she's a big psychologist a lot of
the big psychology modalities have this
built in the way that you are happy is
actually it's it's uh paradoxical
because everybody's trying to be happy
the ones who are running after what they
want and how they feel are trying to be
happy happy and they're miserable and
the people who are focused on the bigger
picture are happy because happiness that
was a very important Point happiness is
the result of having a guiding Mission
you're trying to accomplish something
more than you the happiness is sort is
the side effect that's that is the way
to get happy but when you try to get it
directly then you don't um that's it
that's sort of the
summary thank you for having me on thank
you for coming on amazing everybody have
a great night we'll see you on next week
you abases we'll get a good laugh with
him hopefully little laughter and
therapy and have a wonderful week
everybody take care yeah take care