Changing the Dance in Marriage: Chaim Moshe Steinmetz LISW #190

hi everybody Welcome to tonight's program thank you for joining us tonight over here on coach vanak burnfield on a special Sunday night it's about 100 degrees over here in New Jersey and had a long day so let's get ready so tonight's year here 190 and first all the people every week for coming on for posting on the statuses letting people know about it a place to really talk through things last week we had a super powerful share not may we share some feedback of what happened from the last week share but we've really uh broke some barriers last week it was very uh very humbling experience so tonight we're gonna go a little bit deeper it's actually going to feed off a little bit of what we spoke about also if anybody wants to join our WhatsApp chats can please WhatsApp me at 732 3141 1710 and I'll send you to the community chat post the community chat on the link here send that out as well as through the email I also want to if you're watching this video on YouTube you can click on the like button the Subscribe button this we can make a lot of money because if we have more subscribers we become rich please join us and thank you for the advertising sponsors Lakewood school here in Lakewood Ellie narel from P Town Central from jcn next week June 30th um we're gonna have very interesting program kind you like this um we're gonna have a share with a young guys named Juda abases who lives in Florida um he's a pretty funny guy we had a great conversation with him and we're going to be talking about healing through humor therapy meets laughter improv healing can comedy mix with therapy he he heal deep wounds and Trauma so it's an interesting topic and we're going to talk about it it should be a little entertaining as well please join us next week and uh um tonight share is share 190 and we appreciate you coming here and we're going to turn for Gat for 190 the CEO of Coach Zoom share number changing the dance and marriage an empowering approach based on Torah and part psychology our goal is to find kindness and Grace in our marriages which leads us up to tonight's gatria 190 is gatria to find Grace very nice beautiful okay so we start off tonight's sh with our host Coach man bernfeld to tell us to tell us um why we're all here tonight on Sunday it's already 9:35 at night why are we GA here tonight coach welcome everyone to another real with Coach with a lot of SE Thea we're doing uh share number 190 and the feedback is still coming in from last week last week was a little different we had people um come on the program talk about their story basically stories that we couldn't believe and um the feedback people reached out reached out to everyone that got on we had four people and we actually had a group in person over here in Lakewood started already and um again whoever wants to reach out in your neighborhood reach out to organizations it reach out to me but the idea is you don't have to do it by yourself you don't have to um be on the Journey alone you know you could be in therapy do what you have to do but get that support support is so important no matter where you are so that's the idea of last week so reach out tonight we're continuing tonight we're trying to figure out a little bit our marriage okay we had many programs of marriage and um many ideas that came up different speakers how to fix marriage how to enhance your marriage try to figure out what's going on different ideas date nights getting babysitters having an account special for that um we did efd you know emotional Focus therapy um learning how to listen to understand deeper what's going on but tonight we'll we'll get a different perspective I believe in withit the way he deals with the men that come into his room how how to deal with the the the one side of the marriage to understand what's going on but if you think about marriage is really like any part of growth wherever you are if you're not growing then you're probably going backwards if you're not consciously thinking how can I become better how can I make this better what can I do if you're if you put it asleep probably start take for granted things and you don't appreciate what's going on and then before you turn around you're this full of resentment and you wonder what's going on with my marriage so it is important no matter where you are in your marriage I know a lot of people who gave up already you know this is it I'm not going to talk about it I'll just take care of myself and that's that but to take a moment take a deep breath and maybe uh you'll get some fresh air new ideas to understand what's going on so it's a to have you on and tell us a little bit about what's going on in your office thank you beautiful opening okay let's get into it tonight's share is titled changing the dance in marriage an empowering approach based on T and parts psychology like M said we had we've had quite a bit of programs on marriage um a lot of them have been very powerful and hopefully tonight will be one of them it's another angle and it's very important and uh we'll all learn together I'm G to read bio we'll get into it is a psych psychotherapist uh specializing in men's stress men's experiences stress trauma anxiety mood issues anger issues marital and relationship issues shame inadequately emptiness compulsion and addiction differently than Woman They benefit most from the approach that speaks to their own World Views and emotional realities to meet each other's clients unique needs K has developed a deep thorough and Broad knowledge across a diverse set of disciplines dis disciplines to provide his clients with the most Cutting Edge and efficient tool tools for change some of these modalities include TI EMDR EFT energy psychology breath work and more K seeds clients both in person and online through tell Health zoom and uh I happen to have the to spend a week with I haven't to been in Cleveland and we uh we bring a lot we had a great time and I was very happy that he's coming onim the floor is yours open it up thank you ASI um yeah it was a lot of fun when you were here feel like I know you now for like 10 years um so there's four main points that I want to focus on and each one is really has to be addressed very in depth but I don't want to go on and on over here so I'm gonna say I'm gonna go through each four not four all four biter in the introduction and then we'll flush it out in the questions M um but I told you before Coach man if there's any if I'm going too fast just please interrupt me and make sure that it's coming up clearly so before we get to marriage the first thing we need to focus on is ourselves the way the brain works people who' have been to therapy especially if they've been to IFS this is not ifs therapy but if you've been to therapy you might be familiar with the concept of parts so most people if they haven't been to therapy um perceive themselves to be I I'm you're coach you're right but re the the truth is psychologically but it's even not only from a psychological perspective even neurologically like you could see this on a brain scan and MRI the way the brain works it's divided so there's there's many different parts but for Simplicity we're going to call it child and adult because it's there's a lot going on in both ends we're not going to cover all of it but we'll just simplify and call adult and child part of the brain so for and I just this is the way I explain to my clients because it's very very simple people get very in-depth in it but it's really a very simple concept so right now I'm on the coach man and I'm an adult I'm a therapist but I have kids at home when I play with my kids I go right that's not this guy it's not the guy who's talking to you right now it's you know that's a whole different part of the brain part of the personality so that's the child part of the brain we're going to get what what does it mean the child part of the brain what does it mean the ult part of the brain but it's very obvious to anybody who you know if you take a second to look at what goes on your life we all have many different facets to our personality and some of them can seem contradictory um they clash with each other but the basic point is that there's two parts of the brain there's the child part of the brain and there's the adult part of the brain now the child part of the brain like I was just saying is comprised of the many different stages that you've been through so when you were two you were two old and you saw the world a certain way you thought a certain way you felt a certain way and then you became three then you became four and so on now whatever whatever stage you were at that perspective the emotions the perspective the way you saw reality is wired into the brain and when you get older you don't get rid of that you just add another layer and as you get older and older you're having more layers and more layers and when you're an adult finally you develop the Dev part of the brain now this is it's very important that this is not really this is not a muscle this is a very real neurological reality and the child and adult parts of the parts of the personality are really based in two different parts of the brain so when you're born you there there's a lot of different parts of the brain but the parts of the for at least for our conversation there's a part of the brain that's called the lyic system a lot of different functions there but the child part of the brain really resides in the lyic system of the brain the adult that that we're going to discuss is in the prefrontal cortex prefrontal cortex is actually not developed until you're about 25 it's there when you're born but it doesn't develop fully it's not fully matured until you're so this concept of different parts of us is a is actually if you take an MRI scan then you can see this is the adult and this is the child in your own brain now what does the child and what does the adult look like so let's start with the adult so the adult actually sounds a lot like the way we think of adults so the adult is logical thinks in a logical way um organize you can do you can so you can give someone directions step by step by step and they'll follow it that's all coming from the adult part of the brain another part of the adult is goals his don't have goals adults have goals so where am I headed with my life um for retirement but also spiritual goals values all these things are something which is only in the adult part of the brain um another there's a lot of different qualities that the adult has that the child doesn't and vice versa but another one is being able to see the big picture of something so if let's say your kid you have if somebody has kids and one kid punches the other kid so the other kid's going to think my brother's a is a mush yell and scream he the worst brother forever right yesterday the kid the that brother was his best friend tomorrow will be his best friend but right now he punched him in the nose so now he's the absolute biggest Russia in the whole world that's because the kid the the kid part of the brain cannot see outside of this moment and can also only see black and white either you're good or you're bad so In This Moment he did something bad the brother something bad so now that now he's bad tomar's good he did something nice now he's good so another B important part of the adult is the ability to see the big picture and that's the opposite of the black and white aspect of the child so the child is black and white and only sees in this moment and the adult is able to see the bigger picture yeah the kid punched you but he also does nice things right now you know it doesn't take away from the problem that that happened but if you're able to see the big picture it gives a context right so that's another function of the adult adults also can focus on other people kids for the most part focus on themselves unless it feel goes feels good to focus on someone else so that's the adult part of the brain the child part of the brain has different qualities now these are not negative or positive these are just what a kid is and anybody who who watches kids or has kids you're gonna these These are sort of self-evident but it's very much originating in the child part of the brain so they're impulse driven they're not adults are driven by Logic kids are driven by impulse whatever they whatever impulse arises in the moment it's very difficult for them to override the impulse and do something different um like we said before black and white thinking so good bad amazing terrible this that's the only options for a kid the kid perspective is only is everything is either this or that there is no bigger picture there's no context there's no Nuance that's another very important part of the Cha Cha part of the brain um they're very focused on themselves they don't have the capacity to see outside themselves and see another person and empathize or even just to think about practical concerns for another person not necessarily emotional or empathy um kids are very emotion-based right so so adults are thinking about their goals kids are how do I feel everything's about how do I feel the person a did this I feel happy person did this did this I feel sad or I feel angry and the emotion is what drives all their actions and their motivations now it doesn't necessarily negative thing it could be that the emotion drives positive things too if they feel um liked they'll do you tons of favors right but if they feel like you don't like them then they'll then they'll I don't know fight with you but the point is that they're very driven by feeling versus um emotion they can't think outside the moment this moment is all that exists that's also Mila because they're very mindful they're very engaged what they're doing but they cannot they can't think of the consequences so they're doing something they're not they're not anticipating that whatever I'm doing now is going to have a problem in 5 minutes or tomorrow um that's there's a lot there's a lot of detail in the child adult but for our purposes that's all that you need to know so there's the adult part of the brain and there's the child part of the brain now there's other qualities of the child that we focus more on like the problematic ones but kids are very fun-loving they're very spontaneous they're very um funloving they're spontanous they're creative there's a lot of positive engaging qualities that a child also has they like to have fun adults if their child the child part of them likes to have fun but the more you know the more adult someone is the less you're going to see that side of them in that moment so this positive and is difficult qualities to the child and to the adult now we all have since we have both we have both parts of the the child and the adult coming up at different areas of our life right so most people for the most part at work they're going to have an adult their adult part of them is going to show up because there's no other way no other way to work you can't have a kid at work can't follow directions if his boss gets on his nerves he'll just yell and scream right so in order to be able to be a functioning person in society at work if you go to Sho if you're in the grocery store you have to be able to utilize the adult part of yourself now there's different areas where the child will come up so if you want to have fun you're hanging out with your friends or with your spouse and you're having fun you're playing playing a game you're having date night or then you might have the child come out but the point is that there's many areas for every adult if they're if they have a prefrontal cortex there anybody who's alive and not in a the trauma ward of a um of a hospital they have a prefrontal cortex they have an adult self and they use it in many areas of their life now that's the adult that's the first piece the just the basics how the um how the mind works the division between adult and child now if we look at marriage so let's start with marriage in the United States forget about Jewish marriages but marriage in the United States is it's been in a crisis for a very long time but if you look at the statistics about 50% of marriages end in divorce and there's a lot of there's a lot of studies that the people who stay together it's not like they're uh madling love either so it's not it's not hunky dory in America the marriage situation is not in good shape at all now the question is why is it like that so based on this it's pretty obvious at least a very big part of the problem American culture and or secular culture in general all all over the world but especially in America and comes out a lot in marriage it's all about the child part that's all that matters somebody uh somebody who's doesn't have any greater uh um Vision or mission for their marriage but they just you know an A Young America who getting married for the most part they want to fall in love have romance meet the person their dreams who's going to take care of them meet all their needs be their life purpose their allpurpose life solution so it's a very good um fantasy but it doesn't work and it's very simple why it doesn't work because if if if if we can't make ourselves happy how is the other person who you marry going to be your All Purpose if you can't make yourself happy there's no way someone is going to fill the same thing that you can fill so there's more to it than that but a very important piece is that American culture and Society is very very focused on the child part to the exclusion of the adult now at work the America they have some people a big part of society especially if they're big companies they have a very good work ethic the adult will show up in other years of their life but in marriage the only thing that's there is the kid how they feel is the other person make me feel the way I want there other person being there for me it's about self-gratification which is not necessarily a negative thing it's just doomed to fail so that's a very important reason why um marriages are falling apart they're focused there's only a Child part now besides that that they're very heavily focused on the child there is there is nothing else because again the adult is able to go to work and do practical things but the adult also has another function we said the adult is values the adult has um a bigger picture the adult has goals so the goals in the marriage is just that you feel good now sometimes if they're religious they'll have a bigger goal um maybe they'll want to raise kids but that's lately in American soci a lot of people don't even want to have kids they don't want to get married they don't have kids so and then even within kids not necessarily are they do they want to have kids because it's it's a life goal for them as much as like they they they they want to have the feeling of being a mother which is very different that's also Child part that's not necessar a negative thing because you could have both you could have the adult perspective of the of having a child which we'll get into soon but there's another one which is emotional based which is you want to have the feeling it feels good to be mother they find out sometime you know when they get married that it's not all funny gam just like everybody anybody who has kids knows so the problem with America with the with for the most part if we're going to go AB broad is that American marriages are dominated by child only if you have child only you have two kids who are getting married it's not going to work it's pretty obvious so what's the solution so the solution is going to be to bring the adult in but that's going to have to have as many different ways to have the adult so on I want to look at a few points of how yish kite approaches marriage now it doesn't need to be through a y perspective there's many other ways of approaching it from an adult perspective but everybody here for the most part is from and we already believe the these Concepts so it's very relevant to bring out the Jewish concepts of which are very related to the adult part of the brain so the Jewish reason to get married is more along the lines of the Jewish reason to be alive and the Jewish reason to be alive is we have a mission and we're here to grow and to work on ourselves and marriage is a part of that so that doesn't mean that we don't have feelings obviously we do it doesn't me know child Parts but that's the goal the goal of the marriage is to work on yourself and to grow as a human being now marriage is the perfect opportunity because growth even in nothing to do with marriage in any area of growth psychological growth any type of growth is overcoming adversity adversity doesn't have to be external it could be internal so somebody gets you upset how do you deal with it do you it doesn't mean that you give in do what the other person wants always it also doesn't mean that you yell and scream you have to work with whatever is bothering you and then process it and then rise above it so growth always means that there's something in the way there's a block that you have to overcome the hurdle and when you do then you're growing because then you're getting to another layer of yourself a higher more sophisticated more spiritual whatever your goal is but that's what growth means so one of the basic things of Y kite is that we're here to work on ourselves and to grow marriage is the perfect vehicle for that because you're can have many many opportunities to overcome blocks and adversity now many people get are very um are a lot of pain because of this but that's really the way it's built it's intended to bring up pain and to bring up blocks and then the point is that you can work through that now it's not easy but if if you think that the point of marriage is that you're not going to have any pain then you're gonna have a lot more pain actually because you're expecting that it's supposed to be this perfect bliss other person is there for you 100% all the time 24 hours a day and when you're you're going to be very leted down by that but if your expectation is not that they're going to be perfect that doesn't mean that there's no place for happiness and joy of course there is there's no other way to have a marriage without it but that's not the ultimate goal the ultimate goal and the reason is because that's part of your mission and there's many different aspects of the mission so one part of it if you're from is personal growth another part is having children not necessarily because it feels good sometimes it does and as all of you know a lot of times it doesn't right so the mission is to raise the next generation of sh re Mitzvah that's it's a it's very different than feeling good now that may feel very good sometimes and there's a lot of emotional aspects also that feel good but that's not the point and that's not the goal that's a perk along the way a very nice perk but it's it's not the goal it's very that's very different so if you approach marriage um from the adult perspective it's going to look very different because your expectations are very different and you're going to be less bogged down by all the herur because the point of the marriage is not that you shouldn't have those hurdles the point is something else and those things and the hurdles are actually assisting you with getting to where um your goal is now there's a very interesting relationship between this and psychology because we talked about non-jewish marriage or secular marriage what they really want what everybody really wants is to be happy they want to be happy they want to enjoy life and be happy now the the fr perspective is not meant to torture you it may not be the the only reason is not to be happy but one of the big things the big perks of it is that it does bring to happiness psychologically now I want to say a quote from Victor Frankl who was a very famous ecologist he went through the Holocaust the quote brings that well but this is it's all over a lot of the um big famous and effective psychological modalities the more you chase happiness in anywhere area not marriage any area that you that you chase after being happy you're going to be miserable so how do you be happy so I'm going to read the quote and then we'll talk about it drop this is from Victor Frankle it's a very he he's he's a very uh High vocabulary it's understandable but it's you know we'll talk about a little bit later don't aim at success the more you aim at it and make it a Target the more you are going to miss it for Success just like happiness cannot be pursued it must ins as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a course greater than oneself so I'm going to just say what that means for anybody who didn't hear all the words or you know it's a little bit um muddled but basically what he's saying is success and happiness and many other things as well the more that's your goal it does you cannot achieve it you chase it you're always going to be running after running after you're never going to be happy both success and happiness the way you achieve both of those is indirectly so what he's calling a course greater than oneself so if you're focused on a goal that you have a value Mission what he's calling a course greater than oneself but the point is it's not about you and how you feel it's something outside you if that's what you're focused on then the byproduct it's almost a side effect then there's a side effect that you you're going to be happy but the more you make that the the the focus and the goal you're can be miserable so the having the adult what we're calling the adult which blends both um the um from or ideological values and the goals of the adult with the Practical aspect of the adult is really what leads to happiness as a byproduct but in any area of psychological healing or psychological work the only way that anyone's going to ever be happy is when they stop trying to be happy and they focus on something bigger or outside themselves now how does how does this apply practically so obviously there's a million different factors we're not can get into of them I just want to bring the basic concepts and how does it look basically on a practical level so before before you continue with the Practical I'm just um just a little bit of feedback what you're saying is be step number one is to learn about your inner child step number one is to understand understand that piece that many people are not aware of so I'm not sure what what's the U could you clarify the question there you know we we're all adults we all have goals we all you know we're all talking over here the adult is talking not everyone is aware of that other side other part of us that's playing a role right so you're saying first step is to be aware of the parts that we have yes yes exactly exactly and and and and that's something that you do in the therapist room or something that you how do you figure that out so we're that's actually the thing I was about to talk about now very very briefly so there's a few there's a lot to you know so maybe maybe we we'll we'll continue that with the questions that come up so you know basic overall we got and or you could put the the polls and uh then you'll continue with the with the implementation let's jump into the polls and we'll get into the implementation part we'll clarify everything okay well let let me let me say I want I want to say one more point we're not get into the details one more point on this the the basic concept we're not the details we'll get into the question the basic concept is um that the adult has to in the marriage the adult has to be the just if you think of a car the adult has to be the one driving the child part and we'll see how that comes up has to be in the back seat in American marriage there is no adult at all the kid is driving the bus driving the car there is no adult at all the goal is not to get rid of the kid and the goal is not to get rid of the adult the goal is adult driving and that has you know in important issues and conversations the adult has to be the one that's there you bring your work self home now the child is very important but it can't be driving when you let whatever is going on uh hijack the adult and then the kid just does what he wants that's where a very big portion of the problems come and then we'll get more into detail later okay okay let's get into the questions over here hold on one second do you have the questions on your thing see oh here I got I got I got it okay we have two question or two polls just they change with the places okay everybody answer the question at the best of your ability and let's get into it first question what triggers you the most of marriage okay answer the best of your ability for you lack of communication Financial issues unmet expectations household responsibilities or jealousy or trust issues what's your personal trigger in your marriage number two what brings happiness in marriage what do you think brings happiness in marriage spouse meeting your needs make sure to meet your spouse's needs I guess if you meet your spouse's needs you feel happy spend lots of quality time together fear of burdening friends or family I'm not sure what that is and last one having a bigger picture perspective while addressing your own needs those are the three questions those are the two questions and then we'll share with everybody what's that fourth one fear burden friends friends and family St let's see somebody vote on it five more seconds and then we'll uh we go over it together okay five 4 3 2 okay here we go what triggers you the most of marriage 55 represented people feel lack of communication that's the far the number one answer so that's what triggers people when they feel the communication is not good between each other that's a trigger the marriage 6% Financial issues 24% unmet expectations 6% household responsibilities 9% jealousy or trust issues so i' say most people here by far feel lacking communication is the biggest problem and that's probably why we're talking about what we're talking about tonight yeah it's interesting I mean uh I'm curious if it's lack of communication or if it's just bad overall when when there's communication it doesn't work out well or lack but yeah the lack of communication or bad communication is going to be the same point because let's say I don't know if you could do another poll on the spot I'm curious how many PE the 55% saying lack of communication how many of those people have that issue at work right because most people can communicate decent the re the lack of communication is not really communication problem it's a Child part jumping in children are not the best communicators right are you able to do another poll like that no you can't you're saying they're emotionally triggered yes yes versus at work they can pretend to be an adult what happens when you triggered so when you when what I'm sure we say briefly what triggered and triggered means when something happens let's say you're anybody but we're talking about marriage your spouse has something let's say critical and let's say you had a history of being criticized so that's a sore spot for you so trigger means it sets off the child but the process of that happening it turns off the prefrontal cortex we don't have to get into the details it's a little shle boring to get into all the details of that but the point is when you get triggered and somebody pushes The Source spot of that kid he like the kid jumps up right gets all defensive or whatever that the prefrontal cortex turns off so the adult sort of not the adult's gone the adults is unavailable so you're not going to be able to communicate well if you don't have a brain none of us can communicate well about a brain your brain is not working so the most important thing when you get triggered is not to try to communicate you don't have a communication issue you have a triggered issue so if you're in middle of of a conversation when you're supposed to be an adult conversation let's you're talking about money or parenting whatever it is and you get really R triggered because SP something you didn't like you're not going to try to communicate you're going you'll try to end the conversation maybe you'll say you're trigger depending on if your spouse is open to that concept you can figure out away to you know take a a brief break you'll go into your room smash some windows vent and then come back and bring the bring the adult back but for the most part not for the most part lack of communication is really a Child part hijacking um the conversation that's why we have to really clarify tonight what what this is part and how it plays out okay number two what brings happiness in marriage what do people think 19% people feel spouse meeting your needs 9% feel making sure to meet your spouse's needs 35% of people spending lots of time together and 36% of people having a bigger P picture perspective while also addressing your own needs so you have a nice little split over here want to comment anything the second one yeah this is interesting I'm just so spouse meeting un needs is 19% making um it beat your spous by far so um yeah this is interesting big so most people are agreeing having a big picture perspective while also addressing what's the last four words there it's black out here yeah all right so everyone's everyone's uh 36% have the the perfect uh Perfect Blend this is what they think not that they could do it right okay so we need to clarify a few things over here so we basically you threw out a concept over here of the right the adult part of us and the child part of us let's really get into it somebody send it a question and that really I think could clarify when really clarified in the question what it means let people understand what it means that child part of us and how it plays that in Dynamics then we could talk about how to deal with it so a question I'm Co and my wife is a bread winner thank her every time I bring up spending issues and lifestyle she starts yelling that I shouldn't but into that part of our life I have nothing to do with it I can't even have a conversation about the way we want our kids to look because it always comes back the same screaming and anger so anytime they have a conversation about money doesn't make a difference not whatever the conversation is about money um one person has a blow up that they want to do a certain way and it's they're obviously not having a rational conversation so how do they deal with that right so so obviously I'm not going to the specific details over there I you'd have know a lot more to know exactly um so from the way the question is being asked it sounds like the wife is definitely having a child part pop up right but this happens very often and I I see it with a lot of my clients you don't see what this guy's end is but for all the way he's asking is probably also a Child part so if he's going to come in and say like you don't listen to me at the money right so then that's going to trigger her and then they're both going to be triggering each other and they're both going to be smashing windows so again it very much depends on the details but the child part of the wife is coming out probably the child part of the husband is coming out when he asks um so what what the way to Broach it would would would be the same principle it needs to be from the adult from the adult there's no ACC so you know let's this a good let's focus on how do you know when it's the child and when it's the adult there sometimes it's let's not focus on the question let's globalize it you have two exactly that are married we having a very normal conversation a logical adult conversation about spending let's use spending as the example for this one and you see one of them right is let's say they're two adults now and all of a sudden one of them it's very irrational and childlike whether it's screaming yelling shutting down which is a childlike symptom right let's call it that way what happened there so first of the person who's who didn't turn into the child let's they both turned into children we have a big problem I don't think right now that well that's that's usually what happens actually usually one person gets triggered and then the other person gets triggered from the trigger and then you know then it's party not really part of it let's go first with the the thing that the guy is not triggered and one person is still the adult and they see the other spouse acting childish whatever childish angry screaming yelling but there's nobody to talk to so what happened explain what happened what happened with this Dynamic so what happened is if we're assuming the husband wasn't um the husband said it from an adult place they both were an adult place well the wife from the response the wife was wife was an adult L and then when she said something right so when he very I'm using the word child we have to understand TR doesn't mean they're acting giggling on the floor that means they're acting not intelligently smart they could be it could be screaming could be yelling could be shut down those are all we're calling that all child they're coming from an emotional part of the brain and black and white thinking and not seeing the big picture that's that's what you're saying so what happened is the husband bring up a topic for whatever reason um for the wife for men so we're choosing the men clarified yeah well that's what the question was right right right yeah um if we're suing the man the husband asked a question in an in a from the adult but for whatever reason something the way he said or the tone whatever triggered the wife now what triggered her it's impossible to know without all the details but it could be something about money if money is in general let's say she grew up and money was a Hot Topic um then that might have triggered her because she felt uh afraid of not having enough money that could be something like that or it could be criticism if the way the husband's bringing it up is something is critical about the way the wife is dealing with it that definitely can be what the trigger was CH is a very big one for most people so especially if the person has a history of criticism if they were bullied there's a lot of different things in people's past plus their just genetic um their genetic profile their tendency their natural tendency that that they can be very easily triggered to criticism most people are sensed to criticism so if anything about what the way the husband brought it up was overtly or even not overtly critical especially in the trigger it he could have done nothing that was um objectively upsetting but because of her personal history it triggered the kid and shut down the prefrontal cortex that's where he sees his wife is completely agitated and what what should be his first mindset without getting you know obviously we don't we don't have to shut down we don't have to startop fighting with her and get r-t triggered and then escalated so what would be the adult the first thing that he has to do is make sure that he stays in his adult because if he goes out of his um if he leaves his adult state so then and he gets triggered then it's going to escalate so number one he and that's not easy because if if the wife is getting very upset at him that could trigger him that would trigger most people she's yelling and screaming at him and he didn't you know he didn't he thought he didn't do anything so that's going trigger him number one he has to stay in his adult now if she's triggered he can't have the conversation because he's not going to get anywhere because he's talking to the child part so the conversation has to wait until later time he'll end the conversation when she's come he'll bring it up and again we're not going to get into all the details how he's going to bring that up because that's that's not the beyond the scope of today we're not gonna get into you know all the details of it but when she's in her adult is the only time that he could bring it up he can bring up the conversation I want to talk about money but I saw that's something I you know must something I said must have been upsetting um can you tell me what it is be open to hearing what he said or what he did that was a problem and then they can have it again but he can't address it then that's that's the most important thing that most people struggle with because In the Heat of the conversation they want to resolve it and that's it's unresolvable at that moment it's completely unresolvable his wife's brain is off at that moment it'll come back in a couple minutes but now it's off and some people have to sometimes deal with certain issues in therapy they can't it's a very sensitive topic for one person sometimes they just they don't have that opportunity even when she's gone definitely mean there's a lot of yeah if if the conversation can't be had so that doesn't necessarily mean son therapy it depends on what the issue is part of being an adult is okay so if it's not a critically important topic then maybe it can't be addressed now if it's an important topic then it does need to be addressed but not every single topic needs to be addressed until until what age would you call a child I'm just thinking you know I know tonight is not about but every time we talk to our 12y old 13y old do they hear us so it's not it's not black and white right so the the prefrontal cortex is developing it's not doesn't turn on at 25 it's it's there when we're born it's just not fully formed and not fully matured so it's it's there's an EB and flow like a 2-year-old is going to have L less than a seven-year-old a seven-year-old is going to have less than a 14-year-old right a teenager is going to have less than a 20-year-old um but there's there is no one number that makes a child child I guess once someone's 25 then they fully then all they are I mean whatever they're fully developed as an adult but that doesn't mean that you talk to them you're talking to their adult because if they're triggered they yeah they there both qu which part of the brain is hearing you is depending on which part of the brain is activated at the moment but by age 25 you you got the whole got the whole person now it doesn't mean that and each part develops continue can still develop right the adult part of us is gaining wisdom and knowledge and knowhow throughout life but in terms of the brain development that's what I mean the all the parts of the brain that are needed are there by H25 well let's go back to um two people dating and they're having a great time so I'm wondering is that the child or the adult how are the child so he saying the two kids are going out and they're having a great time and they love each other and then they want to get married where's the adult so if from date one through Daye 15 all they're doing is having a good time that might be a problem it may not because they they'll find out if they get married if their adults are aligned so I would say the majority probably the majority of people who are dating they're not having you they're not having fun every single day you have to bring in the adult absolutely you must bring in the adult yeah could you talk about what the adult is what's the child in in the dating process I mean over there people could understand what' you say that's the beginning that's where they started everything was great they didn't have to talk about paying bills and then a few years later they look back and like where where are we like we can't talk to each other so your question is what what happens between dating and and marriage or to understand you know when you have to bring when the trial is there when you have to bring in the adult or vice versa in in in marriage or in you talking about in the dating process both yeah so let's talk about marriage and we'll get back to the dating so anything that requires an adult um perspective you have to you have to be your adult so if you're talking about money obviously it's got to be the adult right you're talking about parenting it's got to be the adult because the the kids don't know if the kids do with parenting so then uh they would tell us what to do right the kid so the child the adult part of the brain is the part that needs to be communicating with your with your spouse about all the adult issues parenting house responsibilities um finances in-laws anything that requires logic SE and this real decision making clear-headed logical thinking in the adult now there's other parts of marriage where you don't want to have the adult um if you're go on a date night and you have a poker face Al that's not fun intimacy you don't want to be all serious um rigid adult if you're playing a game together you don't want to be um you don't want to be all serious it's not fun so when you want to have fun when you want to enjoy hanging out together then you're gonna want then you don't have to think about it so much it happens spontaneously right you're not like to go into my child Nobody Does that that that would be a very adult thing to do very annoying adult thing to do but yeah a lot of people have to learn that a lot of people have you know number one a lot of people believe that marriage who said who said marriage is fun that's number one who said it has to be fun we have a mission we got to be rigid and to to learn how to do that they might have to make that spend two hours having a good time soundsound I mean this the opinion that marriage is not supposed to be enjoyable is that what you're saying yeah so for a lot of people it's not enjoyable but that's not because they're uh they're doing their purpose is because they're fighting too much right I mean there's a lot of mist that it's supposed to be enj but forget about M like nobody wants to live miserably right who wants to live miserable the whole life and if you're old child you're going to be miserable because you're fighting all the time you're not getting your knees met if you're adult it's very there's there's no way to sustain being an adult all day long right if you're just thinking about your mission your mission your goals your values it's a very important piece it's got to be the leader of your life but it can't be the only part of life because then life is very unenjoyable everything that we enjoy about life is coming from the child part of us now we might be motivated by bigger picture things but the feelings and the pleasure and enjoyment things is coming from the child side most of the time there are adult Pleasures but yeah life would be pretty boring if you didn't have the job now in the old days like what happened in American side sort of went the opposite extreme right the old days was like tough at do what you got to do you stay married and that's it but they weren't happy they were miserable what happened is we went to the Other Extreme that it's only about the child the old generation was only about the adult adult adult adult do what you got to do work hard and they stay together but they couldn't stand each other right now they only want to like each other and that's the only component of marriage you got to have both if you have both it works great now I don't think there's any um I've never heard anything that there's a Tash that you're not supposed to enjoy your marriage I never heard sh I've definitely seen a lot of it to me it's sort of posip that there's a lot of makus that supposed to be pleasurable there's also a lot of pain that's sort of the point but the pain is within the context of the values is makes it a lot more tolerable and also makes the pleasure more enjoyable okay let's jump into the next question over so writes that when they were dating their husband they really had a great time with them but once they got married and he started his responsibilities he became more serious and everything but she really misses that childlike side of him she doesn't see much he's very logical he's very structured he's very routine it's a big he he's a bread winner but he lost his whole the way she writes it but she he lost his whole like fun part of him when he was younger as he's you know as life is getting older he wants to know how to tune back into that that he should tune back into that so so again I got you know without knowing all the details you can't really give a clear picture but that happens a when you know this a lot of responsibilities these kids and the stuff happening and then the couple just grows apart I want to clar make sure everybody listening so we're talking about the adult part is the responsible serious one who takes care of all the serious tasks and the child part is the one that's having fun going out toas it's not that they're a child they're just living more exciting so that we're just using people I don't want people to get mix up between child and adult meaning like actual child and actual adult so the question is really his husband became super serious he needs to be more fun and young what happened to that she missed that's what she was attracted to when she married him so how did she get him to spark back into that right so so again with I I don't know all the details but what happens is if he had a Child part and no one she dat him he was funloving he was gmach so stuff in life happens right these kids and his bills and these stressors there's a lot of different factors it could be Stress Management it be other things but the big piece is none of this really is going to make the marriage um to make the marriage enjoyable that is itself a separate effort so there has to be time set aside so go on a date night go on a vacation to bring it out there has to be the right setting if the husband's what do you say or something if if if he's always if you're always in a setting where he has to do dull tasks so then it's not going to come out but if the wife wants it to change if that's the only issue there may be other things but there all all the stresses all the things that need to be done the adult side is um is the only one that has the opportunity to come out so if you put a set time in or you put a concerted effort into focusing on on ways to bring out the child part the way they did when they were dating so then that that might work so I heard is one point or there was four points I heard one point about explaining the child in the adult and adult and child what would be the what was the next Point say I you blocked that for a second it was four point that you were coming to make right so there's just the concept of adult and child there's the a marriage that that's based in child only then there's the adult perspective on marriage the FR perspective right and how that looks different from the non um adult perspective in marriage and then application those are the four I I guess not that's not four set points but four segments of the of the of the concept it's parts and Jewish perspective and how that play um goes together would you say that while we're talking about these two parts there are people who need to do a lot of healing talking about we discussed before the triggers um to to connect to that child to that you know inner self that fun having a good time some people are cut you know shut down for a reason based on who knows what you know yeah so what do you do about that when someone shows up in the office and starts talking about their life and they're missing that that fun part so so obviously there's uh it depends really on the context but there's a lot of reasons why someone child Parts can be shut can be shut down um a lot of times it's not that they don't have their the fun side of the child part it's more that there's a lot of triggering going on in the marriage so there's an opportunity for the fun side to come out if all there is going if the only side of the child has an opportunity marriage to come out is is the you know the impulsive angry hurt side then nobody wants to have fun when they're in that state all the time so that's very often happens but there's definitely people who have their child side shut down that that's uh depending on what you know on the circumstances a lot of times trauma can do that and part of the work is to help the person find that but also to feel to allow themselves to access it there's a reason why it was shut down I don't want to get too deep into trauma work but there's a reason why that that that part of them is shut down it wasn't it wasn't either acceptable safe whatever in their childhood for that part of them to be revealed it would have been depending you know it could have been abused because if they just happy go lucky they could punch in the nose if to make sure you're on your game you got do what you're supposed to do it's not okay to be happy right so there's a lot that goes into it there's uncovering the parts that are blocking the um the happy side the enjoyable fun CH side of the child and but I would say more of the time that's not the issue more of the time it's that the there's so much pain that they're not having you know a lot of these people a lot of people are coming to they could have fun with other they could have fun with their friends but in the marriage that side is not coming up because there's so much pain there's so much triggers there so much negativity because of the child parts that's really the bigger problem I'm not saying what you're saying is not common but I'm just saying in regard to marriage no I hear I hear what you're saying if he could have a you know if he's having a lot of fun at work and he's in different areas in his life he has that part when he walks home he loses it obviously it's a it's a marriage issue that he feels over there he can't bring it out and that brings us to you know what we discussed even last week discussing for men to be vulnerable and it's harder for a for a male to you know bring out that childlike part and have a good time and many times it could be they tried once or twice and you know whe shame comes up or um whatever it is that they decide you know what never again that's interesting you're you're mixing vulnerability into the fun there there's two um there's two sides to that there's definitely people who are who have a hard time having fun vulnerability is more at least that what commonly what I see is more about showing feelings so being tough being guarded not showing emotion not showing caring that's not a lack of fun as much as it's um it's a guardedness from showing that you that you have softer more that you feel hurt because the man's not GNA want to that's a very common male trait in general and that will that will bother the wife a lot right but there's another thing that there there's there two separate things I would say vulnerability is more about showing more vulnerable emotions showing that you're hurt showing that you care showing but then there's fun that could be related to vulnerability but it's very often a separate thing it's not a fear of vulnerability in having fun it's either you don't know how to have fun or it's there's so much negativity so you're not going to allow that side to come up does that make sense yes let's go to some live questions okay meute what yeah yeah can you hear me yes okay hi thank you so much um so if I understand correctly there's the um a trigger which puts somebody into child so you're speaking to spouse and then all of a sudden um whatever you said or they or however this came across all of a sudden they're a child and the conversation is done for whatever just because you're talking to a child and you're not speaking to your spouse anymore um my question is I assume and you didn't move to the application the fourth part of this this yet you know practically from what I understand is well we have to talk about the healing around this goes like well let's try to stay away from triggers as much as possible for you know a husband and wife we want to love each other and care about each other and not on purpose at least trigger each other um and then the other part is to you know do our own work on how we react to triggers so if a child is triggered then we tell them you know I understand you're upset but just because you're upset you can't you know spill juice on your brother's head right so just because you're upset about the conversation we expect our spouse to even though they are triggered to somewhat stay adult so I mean that's I guess the ideal I don't know if that's possible I'm not the I don't have the the the certification to know that first of all so I mean maybe just clarify that point is it possible to stay adult once triggered and I mean I hope it is you know that's an expectation we ask our kids just because you're upset don't hate your brother um you're allowed to be upset um so is there a chance where we could trigger a spouse and the the conversation could possibly continue and the first question is you know as as a spouse do I have to dance around triggers or could we say hey I'm going to act like an adult and if you get triggered it's on you to work on it so what you know maybe to clarify the question what percentage of healing should be focused on dancing around somebody else's triggers and that shouldn't come across in a mean way it's not like I don't love my spouse and I don't want to protect them from triggers but it's it's real world question and then what percentage of the responsibility of healing Le on the person who's turning it into a child and saying Hey sir I'm sorry that you're triggered but I'm your wife I'm not you know you still can't B oranges on my head or whatever whatever the equivalent would be of of you know a spouse turning into a child very you have there's a lot of points there all very good questions um so let's go through a few of them and you know just if I miss one of them just ask again so whose responsibility is it to deal with triggers so if the person who has the triggers has an adult um an adult part of the brain then it's their responsibility to deal with their triggers right now we all get triggered so that that doesn't mean that the spouse is not going to have some understanding and compassion in when it happens especially the person has a a hard time especially hard time if they have a hard background or they have you know just a lot of anxiety or whatever the issue is but ultimately the responsibility has to be with the person who's having the trigger not the spouse because it's it's their brain they're the only one who fix it right so at least the work that I do is very focused on the person owning themselves healing themselves owning themselves that doesn't mean that their spouse is perfect but that you have no control over what your spouse does you only have control over yourself so controlling yourself and working through your own things um won't guarantee that you that your spouse does what you want but it's the only thing you could do so I know there's other models that that think otherwise but the model that I use is very much the responsibility of the person um who has the trigger to deal with their trigger again that doesn't mean that the spouse is um is not having any Rus and compassion and understanding doesn't mean that you you know they they um they get punished like you punish a kid it could be understanding especially with the person's working on it but the responsibility ultimately has to be with the person who has the trigger um that's one what was there's a few other points what what could be the expectations so so so again the circumstance is going to be very different dependent on on what happened but when you tell a kid you can't do this to you trigger what you're saying is the the the the the thing that's appropriate to tell the kid is you can't punch your sibling in the nose it doesn't mean you can't be angry now if you're angry you may not be able to go over to your sibling and give him a hug right because that's just the the biology of what a trigger is so just because you expect your spouse to behave themselves to be appropriate right they're not ranting raving screaming doesn't mean that they can have the conversation depending on what the conversation is if you want them to have an adult conversation you have to make an allowance for biology if at that moment the right triggered their brain is not functioning now you could say I get your brain's are functioning but you can't yell on Scream you can't write Rave you can't insult you can't make um faces because there's a very big difference between controlling your feelings and your thoughts thoughts and controlling your behaviors Behavior can always be control and that's a very reasonable expectation it's not no one's going to be perfect you know you make allowances for when uh the person is working on it but that's a reasonable expectation to make from a kid it's not reasonable to tell the kid what he's thinking and he shouldn't feel angry because he has no control over that um okay so so just yes so I understand that so just to CL like just to to paraphrase and just to make sure I understand correctly I I could expect from a spouse to say hey I can't have this conversation now I'm triggered or maybe I mean obviously in the ideal world he would realize he's triggered and he can't have it but I would say hey usually usually it's the other spouse who uh right that's and then the other one says like I'm come I'm coming I'm not triggered I'm not triggered yeah um so you know ideally we would say um you know okay obviously this conversation is is not it's not a good time for this conversation you're not calm you're not you know it's not a rational conversation now the the expectation of you know the the spouse who's who's you know adult who or who's still adult before they lose their coal is to is to walk away from the conversation and just the expectation is hey as long as they didn't behave on their trigger I should give them their time to cool off like let him go to his man cave let him have his time to cool off and try again there there there isn't an expectation and I and I'm just I I understand that I'm not questioning that there is like oh hey I could be triggered I continued the conversation which means continuing the conversation would be the equivalent of hugging your brother even though you're angry at him depending what the conversation is right if if the conversation is um um budgeting or the conversation is um where you going for things that require an adult part of the brain it's unreasonable to ask the kid to do it that to ask the the spouse to do it that if it's like the spouse is the kid is the same yeah so the ideally each person is going to be learn how to resolve that how to calm down that part of the brain and return back you know immediately back to normal but it's not reasonable to expect within the triggered state that they're going to sit and have a bean conversation on something you know on a heavy topic okay I'm just going to take the Liberty to ask you the one more specific question while I'm I have the mic but you could I don't know if you could answer this um without more information what would be a healthy turnaround time to coming back from a tri trigger and it obviously depends what the trigger is and depends on a thousand other factors but at what point would you say like whoa that's like no matter what you you don't need seven years to com you mean like where would that number be for you there is no um there there's definitely no set time but there's a lot of tools that this it's a very it's a very good question because it's a little bit complex woman coming to a man who needs a man cave like where what what extent what is what is normal or what is or what is still within reason when do they need therapy yeah so so there's really two there's triggering there's two points here right when someone gets triggered what me that means that somebody said something and it set off a certain um set off turned off the prefrontal cortex it turned off the adult part of the brain and now they're in the child part now there's tools that can restore that right there's many different techniques that can bring the adult back but even if not that doesn't last forever what happens the reason why people stay in the state is because based on their history or the personality type of Many Many Factors they're chewing it over again again they're so bothered they're insulted they're hurt so they're staying in that state they're in their mind reviewing it you can you can get you can get triggered you could trigger yourself from morning till night if you would like to right you don't need anybody to to help you out you could just sit and think about one thing whenever you think about that it sets you off and it has the exact same effect as if you were with the person that's what actually trauma is in a nutshell I mean it's a lot more complex than that but not that you're triggering yourself but something from the past is wired into the brain and consistently sending off danger signals without somebody doing it right so when somebody's like you said you're addressed example somebody's stuck uh seven years because of that one thing that's not triggering that's a separate issue triggering is a is a is a very quick sharp thing that happens boom sets off and then it settles but then it continues right when that continues that's not the triggering um cycle it's the person's other issues that are making them uh get stuck in it or could be because there's a lot in I shouldn't say the person's issues there's a lot of factors why they could happen maybe it's the dynamic in the marriage they're very hurt by this cons what their spouse said to them and they always do that and it's very hurtful it could there's many factors but the point is that's not trigger trigger is in the moment and then it's done it could be 10 minutes 15 minutes if it's just the trigger and it doesn't have to be that long if you have the right tools you could in a minute you can bring yourself back to being you know two minutes whatever in the other person again also really depends on if if this if it if it's something that lasts longer there's more to the picture than just child adult triggering it's well it's it is child and adult but it's more than just a trigger no it's there's a reason why that the the child part is why the person is getting stuck in their child part yes okay right it's not just that trigger yeah it's not necessarily old their history you know there's a lot of factors what happens in the marriage is very relevant to why that why the person will get stuck it's usually it's over the same things right the same type of dynamic the same type of issues that come up that will set each person into their um you know this their their the habit of whatever they do when they're upset right okay thank you so much time a lot of questions coming in okay let's let's get to these questions here a second Hi how are you hi it's me yep yeah so I'm extremely anxious I'm I'm nervous asking a question like on really um like stage right so I have questions and some questions and comments combined on the area in the area of addiction in his house so the first question is I I want to hear your take you know I have my own experience how how can a person who's so messed up still be denial like for many many many years um also like is it different when the addiction is not clearcut addictions like you don't fit into neatly to a specific category but it's it's like behaving like an addict and you know for example like the way one handles money like you know like he's he's not a gambler he doesn't go to casino but his way of handling money and doing business is like a g like with a gambling brain so I just want to hear if it's different than like if you do neatly fit into account category of addiction and then say I'm sorry could you clarify you want to know if what if certain Behavior fits into addiction hello should I ask one question at a time yeah yeah okay so how can a person be so messed up in like in others eyes in so much pain and still be in denial and claim that they're not in pain and um they're okay and they're not suffering and they clearly are so messed up they're clearly suffering or they're clearly messed up because one is about how they experience it and one is how you experience them so perhaps there are different Natures different personalities like some Natures are more introspective maybe um they are going to be very s suffering if they're all messed up maybe some people can afford to live in denial and maybe they're not suffering as much as I think they would be suffering but they're in they're so messed up for so many years and still the loyal but that everything's okay so yeah it it sounds like there's a lot of pain and on uh from both sides yeah there again without knowing the details it's hard to know what's going on but the more the more if somebody has the we all have Denial on some level right everybody has some level of denial that's that's it's a very um basic defense mechanism that's built into us and it's a healthy one actually because if we didn't have denial then everything that ever happened to us we would be thinking about all the time that's the problem is when it takes over and it's excessive and we can't see ourselves honestly so there's a reason why the denial is there because it's whatever's whatever is happening underneath is too much to cope with but the more somebody tells them how much pain they have actually the stronger their coping mechanism is going to be because they have to fight you know the the more they have to fight to cover the pain the stronger the the fight is GNA the stronger the cover is going to be so that happens with everybody that's that you said you mentioned addiction that happens a lot in addiction that's part of the add addiction process now you you know we're not talking about your specific details because I wouldn't need to know more but in general denial is a very big part of addiction because if the person didn't have denial there wouldn't be an addiction they destroying their life so denial is very much a part of the addictive process but it's everybody has um denial so the more you try to show someone that they're in denial the more denial you're going to get so how do we deal with that uh with that child part so like I would say there's no friction at this point point because one party is very very accepting but it doesn't take away the pain like there's Harmony because you're accepting of this part there's no anger anymore but but there's still a lot of pain yeah seeing your close seeing a close person so messed up it you know it messes you up you know your equilibrium it's yeah of course so that that's a big point of of focus that I wanted to focus on today that that there's a lot of suffering and a lot of people in marriages are in a lot of pain that's that's it's it's very painful when it's painful in any way but when there is a bigger picture it it gives context to it so if the goal of the marriage is only happiness so then the pain is going to be compounded because then you're not getting the whole point is just that you're having fun and enjoying each other and you're not now there's going to be pain regardless but when there's a bigger picture you're raising a family you're giving over whatever your idea your values are and you're working on yourself which sounds like you are very much right so when when those things help the pain they don't get rid of it can't get rid of it but the the pain itself as part of the of the tkid right it doesn't make it easy to deal with but it does give it a meaning which alleviates it a lot now obviously these other ways of of psychological ways of of heal you know of of working through pain the From perspective is definitely a psychological thing but you don't need to go to a therapist to have that perspective it takes work it's hard but that that helps um give context to the pain it makes it a lot more tolerable okay let's go the next question hold on mute okay hi how are you hi so I have two questions uh one I want to know I'm I'm doing this for a while already and I'm aware aware most of the time of all my parts but why when it a trigger comes I just react as with with my child part and then I have such like two minutes later M two minutes and then I would say sorry sorry but it keeps on happening and it really irks me because I I I really I I know it already and it's in me and I'm conscious about it but I still when the trigger comes where is this adult to just behave this is one question my second question is about parents that usually act with their child um if I'm supposed to feed their their toxic Behavior or how how to deal with it so the first question um again that I need more detail but the the goal when you're triggered it sounds like you're actually doing a very good job from what you're describing because you're becoming aware which is the first step also the goal is not to be an adult that's a very important point when you get trigger the point is not okay let me be an adult you can't your goal is to resolve the trigger your goal is to learn how to Cal down like we said go to your room and smash the windows right parts right so yes but it doesn't need to be a whole um it doesn't need to be so deep no I'm not talking about therapy you doing therapy what it's new for me that uh a CH I I did think that a child is is more of a negative thing not not that I want to get rid of my child but to accept it but I did think that it's more of like we don't want to act like child we we always want to be an adulthood right and and acting like an adult isn't it that I'm I'm I'm actually using a different model test trauma and form stab stabilization treatment but the goal I don't think an ifs either the goal is not to always be what they call an ifs itself the goal is that you're led by the self no the who's driving the car right just because you're driving doesn't mean you kick out the kids from the back seat lead him on the side of the road right of course so it just means who's driving so when so let's say let's say a f um just gets comes in just for a few minutes and and I love my part because it's really here to protect me right but I don't want to be a so Here Comes This Very I I'm I'm I want to accept it but then I don't want to be a so you get me so that you're you're coming from ifs perspective um so accept don't use let's say just that I'm reacting with a trigger the goal in the moment is not to accept that's that's that's not the goal the goal in the moment is your marriage so in the moment if you notice you're triggered you're going to be mindful of what you say and do because you know that it's not going to be very reliable right the goal is not acceptance that's what you do afterwards of course you feel guilty you feel ashamed and you feel conflicted and you feel like right but in the moment your go is to is to preserve your your your marriage so right I was a already so what now two minutes two minutes a later right so then you accept yourself all right we make mistakes we're all human no but it keeps on happening so I again I don't know all the details what should she do next time what could she do next time so there's many techniques um I don't know what I don't know what techniques you've been using there's there's a lot of techniques that are very helpful the first the the first thing that need to it's not even so much a technique the first thing is notice that you're triggered right it's not enough to know afterwards you have to know in the moment when you trigger now how do you know in the moment when you're triggered most people I would say most of my clients they don't know their spouse knows they're triggered and they know when their spouse is triggered right but if you don't know if you're triggered then you're not then you're going to keep having the same problem again again which is what you're saying so you know you know when you're triggered there's a few SIDS one of them is you're talking fast right why you do that if you're talking fast you're triggered if you're talking um very loud We're not gonna say yelling because no one ever says they're yelling but we saying we'll say loud if you're talking loud very loud you're probably triggered if you're making faces you're probably triggered so those are cues right if you could get if you could notice when you're triggered then your job is not to accept yourself your job is not to act like an adult your job is to make sure that you do what needs to be done in that moment so if it's an uh important conversation you say you know I'm triggered give me a couple minutes I'll be right back you go do your Technique smash the windows whatever it is and then you come back but the goal is not to be an adult in that moment the goal is to resolve the trigger the goal is also not to accept that is that answer your question I'm mut Okay so so it's great where you answer me but let me I'm not always a just for the people that listen I'm I'm I'm I'm a good wife but just for the too many times that triggers come in I I was I want to stop it that's it right so so again there's no way I can talk to your specific situation without knowing all the details what I'm saying is you saying the goal is to recognize it and try to calm yourself down you could do the work in deep therapy IFS MDR all these other modalities to help yourself even at home it's not yeah there's a lot of things you can do at home but but to fix yourself when it happens no if someone's in therapy the goal in the moment is not pro like you're not GNA process that's not the goal the goal is very behavioral behave yourself for a lack of better right just make sure for your own s because you want to preserve the relationships so now you and behaving means you can do what you need to to calm yourself to be there for yourself so that you can then return to the conversation let's go through a second I go what sorry yeah what was the second question question is when you have parents that act like children and they you know they you know they act like two years old like how do you deal with that you supposed to again it's a little more complicated it's not a spouse it's all there a lot different things like how you parents are acting like children so so yeah there definitely it's definitely a very uh complicated question also very very common issue that comes up but it's going to be the same principles without getting into the details um you're going to have to be the adult because because it's one thing to ask it from your spouse but once you're once you're married and you're out of the house you're not getting your your parents or your in-laws um to be an adult if they haven't you know if they haven't figured out that it's not working the way it's working that's it's that usually leads to bit to much greater conflict the goal for you is that you maintain your adulthood um in that relationship sometimes it's unpleasant B boundaries are not fun nobody likes to put up boundaries but you do need to put up boundaries the parents will be upset they'll be upset sometimes not sometimes you do cater to it right because whether it's you want to preserve the relationship but there's there's no way to really answer what to do without having all the details but the point is it's G be the same principles that the only way for that to work is is going to be if you make sure that you stand in your adult but it's not contradicting with the TOA this boundaries and everything um so again without KN all the details it's impossible to answer boundaries by defin like just the concept of boundaries is not against the Tyra um there definitely can be boundaries that are so that's where you know the details are very relevant you're gonna have to speak to um to your own R about the specifics of the boundaries the concept of boundaries by itself is not anti at all no I want to go back to the um to the other to the person right before I because I want to say there's one other point that I wanted to mention there's a v that that um is a really a really nice V it's very relevant I think it's for it's very important for everybody especially if somebody has a lot of pain in marriage so by a we have the b in right by you cover the face and then by the you uncover it why do we do that so you uncover the face because yaku got tricked by Lan and married Leia right so we uncover the face to make sure that the woman that you're marrying is actually the right one and it wasn't just like it's a minic because you know because that's what happened we're making sure that it's actually the right one under the the uh The Veil The question is why are you covering in the first place just leave it uncovered right you have to cover it and then uncover it when you get to the to the so I heard from Rabbi Aaron you know what I'm talking about I've been telling you all his vs for a long time but the reason why is because every person that you marry with man and woman there's a r and a Leia the r is the one you dated and the one that you like and that you're excited about and the one that you think that you're getting but there's also a Leia every every spout a man and a woman it's not I mean we only have the you know R and Le for the woman but go you call yob and ASA whatever for the um for the man but the point is it's a it's a parts of art cuz the woman that you're marrying and the man that you're marrying has many parts the ones that you know and the ones that you don't know you're going to find out when you get married and you're not going to like those parts but we're covering it because that's what marriage is it's not supposed to be perfect it's supposed to have pain and you're supposed to work through it and your your Basher very often is working through the Leia in the other in in your spouse and you know most of the sh came from Leia not from not from ra so it's a very important it's a very it gives a lot of to people because it's not a glitch pain in marriage is not like a you know you got the raw end of the stick it's it's it happen everybody has it and it's actually part of the process it's meant to be that way it's built into it it's it's part of the system okay let's go to the next question you're on okay so um talking a little bit you're talking a little bit about you know the fun part and and sort of tying it a lot to the child and Coach man was mentioning you know the dating the fun the excitement and we're sort of allocating that to the child part of the brain but what as far as the adult side if you want to be more you know focused on that where's the true happiness that um or excitement that you'll have on the adult side of the marriage so Happ yeah Happiness and happiness and excitement are are a little bit different Happ is a very generic term that people use but everybody means different things so it depends like excitement is it depends what it's coming from but excitement usually is coming from the limic system limic system is not the adult part of the brain that doesn't mean that the adult can't be excited no I'll give you an example let's say um let's say someone finish us right they're very excited about now they're excited about an adult accomplishment so the lmic system is sort of synced the child part of the brain or the emotions that originating in the child part of the brain is synced with the adult it's coming because it's for an adult goal but it's originating in the child part of the brain now you said so that's excitement excitement is limic system emotion excitement is very similar to anxiety actually and anxiety also is lyic system so it's originating in the LIC system so your is your question is how do you achieve excitement or is that the child adult what's the what's the question um now the question is what what should be if you want to look at let's say the ideal marriage what should be the ideal sources of happiness is it just the date nights where you're bringing like you know everyone saying that's your child side where you're bringing out the dating having fun again um which I I think we're all agreeing is maybe the more childish side of the child side of the brain if you will but what should be as a mature adult what should be the focus and where is true toic if you will happiness in a marriage good question I I just I had a quote the other day I want to see if I can find it but um giving right so people want to feel loved and feel connected but when you give it to someone else that gives a lot of um happiness to people think like I'm saying everybody can relate to whether you do it for a spouse or for a kid but when you do something without not because you expect nothing going to get something back you do something just because you want to do something nice it feels really really good so the if you if you're talking about the adult happiness in marriage it comes from being able to love someone else do something for someone else care about someone else to do that you got to make sure that you know how to uh manage the system keep the kid in the back and the adult in the front because if you don't the kid is only focused on what he wants or she wants but if you're able to work with that child part of the brain so then the adult pleasure comes from actually the opposite making someone else happy being supportive of someone else loving someone else being there for someone else or the accomplishment you mentioned before accomplishment is the adult making the decision to finish house and when he does does that it's sync together with the excitement so what we're looking for is the balance to be able to have both parts you know in the right place exactly so he was asking more about what is the this there's many Pleasures there's the let's say the date night happiness but then what's the adult satisfaction or joy in the marriage not the the child prob be like yeah we played a board game together we had fun together right okay so basically let's let's let's let's a little do we're holding over here so basically we started off that we understand the concept that there's there's an child all of us and as an adult right that's the part we're focusing on tonight and we're trying to understand that when we have these issues in marriage and communication sometimes we see that child part coming out on ourselves and sometimes we see it coming out on our spouse you said ultimately the responsibility lays on the person who has the trigger it's not it's not the person has to dance around the person's trigger right we have to to it so the M if somebody does have a trigger right obviously the big like this lady was on at least acknowledges it which is like probably more than 50% of the cure to realize that you have it but like what would be like I guess if you see that your marriage is rough what could a person do to self-analyze himself to realize maybe I am acting like a child and maybe all my points I'm trying to make and all my tenas and she's wrong and he's right and he did say he didn't say I I want to say the story cuz I think it's very relevant I had somebody by me a few weeks ago whatever they're having sh Bas ises and they're older people so they were in the 50s and I was just looking at them I turned to them both the middle of the conversation I said you guys are both acting like two-year olds like for real they both looked at me and they once started laughing I was like he's like you guys are arguing literally like two-year-olds people are much older than me like they're really in the high 50s and like they realized when I said it to them like yeah they're they're really arguing over stupid things so I guess my question is the person who is in the marriage that they're having problems or I guess any relationship you could take it out of the marriage what could they do for themselves to do self introspection to start seeing maybe maybe there's a 1% possibility that you're not perfect that maybe you have some type of Trigger or inner wounded wounded child sorry inner wounded part inside of you that's making it very difficult to deal with so it's actually a lot easier than you're making it sound because you don't have to do so much introspection it's a very very easy thing you got to do go to your spouse and ask them what am I doing wrong your spouse will happily comply and give you a full Shear on exactly all the things now you may not agree with it but you're saying if someone actually wants to be open then pretty easy to find out doesn't mean the spouse is right but I'll give you a pretty rough pretty rough idea and just see just see how that feels and then you'll you'll be in touch with that child well no one likes to hear that that doesn't necessarily mean you have a big problem I think what happens is when somebody let's let's use the financial thing as a good example right the guy let's just use it they they talk about money and one likes to spend a lot one doesn't anytime it comes to financial somebody's having a blowout second they turn spouse and say well any time comes the money you act like a child the person will be like goes I like to enjoy my money I like to spend it you like to save every penny so they go back into the logic not that I have a trigger it's because your is so wrong in this I'm totally normal that's that's part of the problem so that's not really true because the reason why they're getting triggered is not because they difference of opinion that's why the that's why there's a reason that's why there's the right setting for a trigger but just because there's a pinion doesn't mean what would that person do at work if they disagree with their boss they're not going to right there's a difference between having difference of opinion and a trigger just because you don't the same opinion doesn't mean you have to go renting and raving so you have this opinion and you deal with as an adult and everybody knows what it means to been adult because they do it in all areas of their life right now what about if somebody has a trigger and they realize they have a trigger would they be safe to tell it to their spouse is the right thing to tell it to your spouse that like say when it comes to money I have a very difficult time because of ab andc and it gets me feeling nervous and scared would that be prop thing to be vulnerable to your spouse and tell them why why not I guess I guess the question is what like what what's the downside depends on if the spouse is going to hit you with a bat maybe not but like it's a pretty normal spouse and job is to be sensitive to it but ultimately not the question of the job it's not a question the it's not a qu no this other spouse doesn't have to downend the trigger it has to be addressed just because you have a trigger doesn't mean the is doesn't be addressed but it does help your spouse understand why this this keeps happening like why whenever I bring this up do you go nuts right so if they understand it so then you can try to make the conversation a way that works the other spouse can be more careful and they're also they're not going to their spouse is not going to be as bothered when randomly you go off the rails right because like oh that's a trigger okay yeah it could be used also like in like a derogatory way oh he's acting crazy again here we go it could be weap it could be weaponized but is the guy acting nuts like if he's acting nuts she she doesn't need to say I'm triggered it's all over the place right like e either he's acting nuts or he's not acting nuts saying that as a trigger is not going to really be the problem because anybody listen to this program they actually feel they have the trigger that they is the job to really work on it to try to figure out what's causing it and try to like what's really the the avoid I mean what's the avoid how do you how do you really you don't want to act like that right you don't want to be the guy in SHO that the guy sits in your place and you blow up you start screaming you I always use that as an example like you see this guy who's totally normal and everything's great and you see this like this guy just blow up for some silly reason everybody laughs at him right but really it's just his child that that's you know something got triggered in there something some wounded child is in pain so might say what is this job how how do you go about healing what's like what's the Mal right so if you this you there's an important point that I want to clarify what you just said because I think a lot of people who who think of healing think you know I have a child part I have wounds I have things and I and when I heal it then I'm going to get better but it does not need to be that way and it usually doesn't work that way this there's the behavioral aspect and then there's the emotional aspect how you feel and how you act is what we're calling at least a part of ch you don't need to resolve all your wounds to have a good marriage because if you say like until I don't feel hurt when you say this I'm going to act nuts because you can work you can go to therapy and work on on your you know on your parts but you're G to ruin your marriage in the meantime you're G to burn it down so even if you have a lot of wounds you have a lot of triggers you don't need to solve all those in order to solve the the a lot of the issues of marriage again we're talking about we're not talking about if there a use we're talking about we're talking about tonight tonight's focus is not on severe depression we're not talking about about well everyday mar mar issues can be very intense yeah correct no for sure they're very intense we're talking about issues that are very specific to triggers that people are Tri Parts yeah trial Parts not I want you know if somebody somebody seven years in B in the Press is not it's not a child part it's not they have they have problems you know it's different story over here talking about people that that that could communicate and have healthy relationships when it comes to specific things it's like almost like you're dealing with somebody who's just not home and it happens with everybody right everybody has some part of them yeah so there yeah there's a lot of different techniques we could do one uh um we could do one here briefly this you know especially for anger there's different techniques for different things I want to go back for a minute before we get to that too could I go back to iron for a minute iron Sunshine sure sure sure um because there's a v that I wanted to mention to him so there's a famous V I think I mean also I saw from but the sort of like another kage the word ish and Isha um it's a famous V right so ish has a y Isha has a ha in it if you take out the yud from the ish you take out the ha from Isha you have a fire if you have with the Y and with the ha then you have the Sham so without the sh hasem you have fire with the shim hasem then you have marriage I want to add one piece to that what does it mean because it doesn't mean like you learn sit and learn together maybe it means that too you know gaka and you know herir it doesn't mean that it could mean that too what it means the the the yud and the ha are both within the ish and the ISA it's not separate right the Y is inside the word the he is inside the word Isha you're bringing the what it means to bring the sh it means and bring you bring out the sh hasem of within the Is So within each of us we have qualities of of um of of of of of bringing out those is what it means to bring um to bring to have is without the Fire doesn't mean that you do from it means you bring out your the the y in the is and the ha within you so you bring out the Kim within you which is what are the what are the of right acceptance compassion forgiveness these are all what it means to have the sh that's where we're talk you know about the the the um the adult joy in marriage should we do a role play yeah okay so you yeah you want me you having Cas so you um you want me to come up with one maybe come up with one do with I'm always the child so that's the way we do it I'm always the the one in pain yeah you want to come up with the story um anger you looking for anger anger yeah anger is a good one because um because if you're anxious like there's lots of techniques for lighter things anger is a hard one right you're not going to go do breathing if you're angry now do some deep breathing no one's doing deep breathing if they're angry it's like the last thing in the world was doing you need something that's going to really get the anger out you have to vent it that's where he says smash the windows that's not a good one so there's techniques that can that can help get the anger out you'll be the wife you won't tell me that your mother's coming for Yam for the whole P including shaas afterwards and I'll be the spouse who's the angry well you could be the angry I'm going to direct you what to do you be you be the wife tell me that that you're that your parents are coming for 12 12 days right all actually my parents are um are coming for six months okay okay so I'm just letting you know now this is not going to work no I can't what are you crazy we have no room they make you crazy they're going to make you nuts it's not going to work no way no way I've seen that's not anger come on get it going absolutely not I'm smiling so it can't be that no we need it's got to get a little the lot anger go we don't need to really role play I could really explain what you would do fast for right so you're yelling and screaming you're yelling scream wife's yelling and screaming that you're both really mad at each other so this the technique is called um mindfulness yes it's called mindfulness yes it's nothing to do with mindfulness but it's a very it's a parts technique now it's very simple to do I'm trying to think if I should how in depth we should go but basically you're gonna you're gonna you know like we said before you're G to end the conversation say you're G to get back then you're gonna go into another room and you're going to address every whenever you trigger there's three levels to the trigger there's the thoughts right she's a mus how deare she um she always has to get her way she never listens to me blah blah blah blah blah that's the thoughts then there's the emotion now they're they're all there at the same time but the emotion is anger that's at least what you're feeling when you work through it you'll see there some other stuff going on there too but that's level two then the third aspect is the Body Sensations it could be um there's a lump in my throat there's um anger your body shaking well right so the shame is a is an emotion I'm talking about physical shaking right your body's shaking your muscles are tight your heart's raising so what you do is you sit down and you just say each thought that you're having I say it yeah well one second I'm going to tell you what you do and then you're going to say the word yes afterwards so you'll say I'm not going to give in yes she always does this yes why does she have to always go get her way yes she knows I can't stand her parents yes right you're going to do that they'll do let's say 10 thoughts and then you're going to go to your feelings now even though your feelings are there all the same time but this is the way it's broken down go to your feelings and then you say I'm furious yes I'm really angry yes I'm uh enraged yes I'm hurt yes I feel uh ignored yes I feel unheard yes yes and then you going to go to your Body Sensations you're going to say uh pit in my stomach yes a pain in my back yes uh lump of my throat yes now you can do this you can do let's say 10 doesn't matter exactly how much you're going to do it um 10 of each now it's important that you don't stop when you do it look if you if you run out of things to say you say blank yes blank yes you don't sit and think you the point is has to be very spont and the reason is because what you're doing here you're accessing all the feelings thoughts and emotions of the child side of the brain but when you say yes what you're doing is it's basically the adult part of the brain hearing listening and acknowledging what the child's feeling you don't have to think about this you just say the word yes and it really really really works very quick and you do a few rounds before you realize you you're automatically getting into the positive your thoughts are coming up yeah it's okay not a big deal or it's like she'll give in the point is it has to be unfiltered right so you make sure the door is locked no kids are listening we don't any uh four-letter words or something similar that we had a few of those tonight those those need to be said but they can't you know it can't be filtered if you're filtering it's not going to work it's you got to get it all out but you do it SP you do it fast right you're not pausing thoughts feelings Body Sensations well interesting let's see if it really works it it works and it works very quick you do this for two three minutes you'll be it's like you're you completely backed yourself when you feel like you're being triggered you feel super angry you go into a room and you say 10 emotional things that are bothering you about it you're yeah you're venting everything that's going through your mind and why you doing emotional logical you just why you just say whatever comes through your mind because there's many levels to what's because what you're doing here is not just um making sure that you don't say the thing you don't want to your spouse you're processing it you want to resolve it to resolve it it needs to be addressed on every level that it exists so it exists on the cognitive level it exists on an emotional level and exists on a body level right all everything that gets disrupted on that on the uh child end is getting disrupted on each on all three levels it needs to be addressed on all three levels I'm just want some s a question before what happens the the other way you know there many women that's you know they're running the house or their Macho and when their husband is a little bit um he wants to have a guitar and brings out the child part and and they don't know how to eat that they don't know how to see that they're like wait a second you're the man in the house I mean they could have a hard time to connect to that child part in their husbands basically the woman's coming all adult she's getting rid of her child heart of the husband she's getting rid of the husband she got rid of hers long so so I want to I want to I want to clarify what the question is is the question is that she can't accept that he has it or is are you are you pointing out that the roles can go in reverse it's it's it's it gets mixed you know she by now she doesn't want to accept it she doesn't want to see it in him doesn't like it doesn't know how to connect to it and you know what do you want so again obviously that details are very relevant but too much of the child part is not good so you have to know what's going on is it is he acting like a child when it's time to be an adult um is it that the wife has to learn how to tolerate his child part is it both so it depends it really it very much depends is it could be the the the wife's Child part not being able to tolerate his child part because again child Parts like we talked or it could be funloving but it could also be critical negative angry right so it really depends on the context it doesn't matter if it's the white it's the man or the woman it's the same Dynamic this it's like two siblings fighting right so what we're looking for balance what you're saying we need the balance and everybody we both have both you know and to understand when do I need to bring the adult and when the child is being triggered when it's okay to go out have a good time with the child Parts you know so there's is the Bal yeah I mean I think well the the problem is when we try to make it a little too uh rigid to get it yeah to get it too we're not going to get it perfect well we're never gonna be perfect the point is to get the concept so that you can make some some small improvements right but no like if you're G when should I be a child when should I be the basic rule is try your best to be your adult when you're having adult conversations you're trying to keep the triggered child in the back seat that's the concept now no one's going to do it perfectly we right it's not unless when we become Al we're never going to get triggered and we're always going to act the way we should but that's the basic concept to try to keep the adult in the driver's seat and the triggered kid in the backseat and then the rest of the time you could have both it doesn't have to be a perfect balance I think it's impossible to also because every person is different every couple's different you figure out what works for you okay let's go to the closing segment um and then we'll wrap it up leave you to leave us with closing thoughts first I want say coming on tonight giving a lot of I'm very happy we tackled this topic a very small important topic but carries a lot of weight in it and hopefully we'll get back into it in really depthly maybe another time time tonight's sh is 1220 if anybody wants to hear this uh if any wants to join the the chats text us at 732 314710 and say my number and I'll send you the the link for the group chats also you can go to.com and sign up for his weekly flyers every week with speakers and the replays get is here the first time every Sunday night 9:30 at this Zoom we have different important topics or therapist next week we're gonna have Yehuda abases who's dealing he's very funny guy we'll be discussing comedy and therapeutic he mixes therapy and comedy together it's very interesting concept again it's just a concept um it's called healing humor therapy means laugh improv healing can comedy mix with therapy help heal deep wounds and Trauma be something very interesting please join us let people know about it everything's recorded on.com if have any questions please email Coachman gmail.com everything is recorded and you go watch us.com and all YouTube and all the other podcasts listen to them I think we're everywhere right any podcast that exist um again if anybody wants to be in touch with website Mo clats c h a i m m o s h e s t i e i n m t z.com and if you want to be in touch with them you have any questions or anything please feel free to reach out again thank you to all the advertising sponsors like scoop Elario from fwn Central and from JN I'll go first will and it but uh in closing just want to say tonight we feel this is a very important topic um to understand different parts when we're living with people um again we're very focused on the child part what you can call whatever you want you call it inner child you can call it the immature part you can call it the fun part whatever you want to call it but basically it's the part that's not uh very you know straight shooter very rational it's the part that I guess it's funny I guess it's childish that part has a young part of in us that gets wounded and sensitive that's why I mentioned the story that happened few a few weeks ago by me you can see somebody 50 60 70 doesn't make a difference to age um when that part gets triggered or gets activated let you use a different word than triggered because I feel I'm getting triggered from the word triggered already that part gets activated um you see a lot of unmature actually embarrassing behavior and I think that as adults when people act like that we try to rationalize why why we're acting that way because this person said this and this person did this and she said this and he said that we use all the logic because we're actually embarrassed from the behavior because it's pretty embarrassing as an older adult to be upset when somebody says something to you or somebody does something to you we're pretty rational people so when we see that happens we need to really focus on oursel and try to really figure out what's causing that and try to work on that again there's a lot of different therapies a lot of different deep therapies you could do but if we could get to a place where we don't get triggered so often or so much you can leave more you can lead more productive lives for sure have better marriages I have to just tell you marriage is the one that brings out this this inner child more than anything else like you could you could have successful in your work you could be successful in everything else with your friends even but marriage certain things like can't like run from this inner child this is like where made it specifically for their growth um specifically marriage and a few other things but can't like run from it so again I think I feel tonight's point that we should take from it is to recognize it if we recognize it try to deal with it and try to I think also be sensitive to your spouse that has it try to be open with your spouse that this is something that bothers you and together could you know it's scary for a man to be vulnerable but if you could be some vulnerable and be honest I think it helps the relationship then together you work it and then you could reach a place where you could see the guy get upset and he turns his wife and say yeah I think I just got you know activated and uh yeah exactly he's laugh because it's not even reality but that would be no no my my horror is on the word activated that the word triggered I'm just like I heard so much of this word already not tonight just in general like it's such such a like o SP word like I'm getting sick of it already so um that's that's my word for tonight and uh coach you triggered me so thank you thank you very much and uh we heard a lot of good things tonight just just a few ideas and so like we heard um the spiritual side that where you know Shem has a plan we don't always understand it and part of it is marriage and um that's why we we do hear many times people have a hard time and um that's AIC itself to understand that that's part of it like you said it's not a glitch it's part of it and now we have to try to figure it out and how do we grow how do wecome and what's the what's what's the challenge um an idea what I was think thinking is that there are many people who have a hard time doing self-care to take care of themselves and that could be that's connecting with that that child part that you don't know how to connect to because that's really what it needs when you need your coffee or you like ice cream and you want to go for a walk it's taking care of yourself it's something that you need it's a need that you you know you want to say no I don't need it I'm fine I never get upset no no no no no understand there's something inside of you there's another side and to connect to it what does it need like you said you listen to it and what's important is we're not getting rid of it we have it and we need it it's part of life it's part of us can't get we're not getting rid of it understand how it works and you know try to see which one is in the driver's seat but it's there learn how to deal with it how to be there with it and forget about spouse even for yourself have a productive life is to understand yourself to understand what what do you needs what you know your ticks your ups and downs how to deal with yourself and uh that's going to help you to connect with your spouse to understand theirs put yourself in their shoes so um yeah it's a very specific idea that we heard today but it's really very you know NE in a lot of places and it could be work like we heard from many people if it's if it's something that you have ready for years and many times it does need therapy to sit and understand what should I do it happen so many times I know I'm doing it wrong what should I do and uh reach out for help so thank you very much for joining us tonight and uh thank you for me mem we should be able to take the concepts one step at a time CH leave us with the thoughts after yeah well I want to just summarize really um because we we got a lot into the nitt gr about the child but that that's not the only point that I that was uh that was important so if I'm going to summarize a few things one um everyone's got the very com everybody a lot of people who are struggling in the marriage think it's a glitch that we mentioned earlier it's like they're the only one but it's part of it's part it's it's part of the design and every every couple has to work through things and there's many many couples that are struggling but the point is that the perspective really makes a very big difference in um tolerating it working through it and being happy in life because if you have the perspective not just that it's meant to be that way but also what's the purpose of the whole marriage thing if you don't know why you're doing it then you're G to get very bogged down by all the pain in it but if you know why you're doing it it's for your personal growth it's to raise a family it's to become more like Hashem so that's the from or yishai perspective but it's also the adult and that has to be the The Guiding Light in the marriage if you know why you're doing it then you could withstand and work through a lot of things if you don't know why you're doing it and you don't have your eye on the your eye on the prize that's when you get bogged down by all the builtin inevitable struggles so that's a that's a very important point the child and adult is not just about triggering it's also about making sure that you have the adult capacity but adult perspective the adult perspective is a very very important point and the other point is that you're not missing out anything by developing this perspective it's not a um you know push through persevere old school model we talked about Victor Frankl but it's really you know if you check out Susan David she's a big psychologist a lot of the big psychology modalities have this built in the way that you are happy is actually it's it's uh paradoxical because everybody's trying to be happy the ones who are running after what they want and how they feel are trying to be happy happy and they're miserable and the people who are focused on the bigger picture are happy because happiness that was a very important Point happiness is the result of having a guiding Mission you're trying to accomplish something more than you the happiness is sort is the side effect that's that is the way to get happy but when you try to get it directly then you don't um that's it that's sort of the summary thank you for having me on thank you for coming on amazing everybody have a great night we'll see you on next week you abases we'll get a good laugh with him hopefully little laughter and therapy and have a wonderful week everybody take care yeah take care