Can You Make Space for My Struggle? Why Yaakov Had to Marry Leah

Thank you, so much. So, today's class is dedicated in loving memory of Rabbi Yisroel ben Eliezer ben Eliezer Kalman Tiffenbrun, in honor of his yahrzeit 22nd of Cheshvan, dedicated by his children, siblings, nieces, and nephews, the entire Tiffenbrun family. Tanei nishmaso tzerura b'tzror hachaim. And thank you very, very much. You should be an eternal source of light and inspiration. I also want to dedicate today's class in the loving memory of Miriam Sussman, [clears throat] whose funeral was yesterday. Was tragically killed in an accident on Sunday. Tanei nishmaso tzerura b'tzror hachaim. So, we dedicate today's class in her loving memory and in tribute to her entire grieving family, including our secretary here, her daughter Mrs. Einhorn, and the entire mishpacha. We're all very, very sorry, and I'm nachem Yenachem Hashem b'tzoch Yerushalayim. Not many words. It's a time of grief, but we wanted to dedicate this class to her light and her love and her eternal inspiration. Okay, so we'll use the Chumash today, and I want to begin if you could take the blue Chumashim. There's more in the back if you need. If you could turn to Parshas Vayeitzei page uh page 83. Page 83, Parshas Vayeitzei. This is Bereishis perek chof tes pasuk yud alef. Genesis chapter 29 verse 11. Vayishak Yaakov. And the topic should say Vayeitzei. I don't know if you have this one. It's page 83. If you have another one, you can go to. Vayeitzei perek chof tes pasuk yud alef. Let's remember the context. So, Yaakov Avinu took Eisav's blessings in Parshas Toldos. He identifies himself as his brother. His father Yitzchak gives him the blessings even though they were reserved for Eisav thinking that he's Eisav. And when Eisav finds out, he's extremely, extremely upset. Rivka tells Yaakov that your brother wants to kill you. You should run away. And Yaakov leaves Beer Sheva, where his parents lived, and he travels to a place called Charan. It's actually today you have a city called Charan, h a r a n, which is in southern Turkey, and that's associated with the ancient Charan, the biblical Charan, where Yaakov Avinu went in order to marry, to find, to run away from Eisav, and where he would build his family with Leah and Rachel. So, what happens is Yaakov, as we know, arrives to Charan, and he stays, he lodges, he stays at the well outside of the city. And that's where for the first time in his life he meets his first cousin, who would later become his wife, Rachel. Yaakov's mother Rivka was a sister of Lavan. Lavan had two daughters, Leah and Rachel, and Rachel was then shepherding the flock of her father. She was the shepherd. And she approaches the well, like all the shepherds who bring their flock, their sheep or their goats or their other animals to be irrigated, to quench their thirst from the well, which was covered by a big rock. So, the Torah says, Parshas Vayeitzei perek chof tes pasuk yud alef. If you could put your cell phones on vibrate, please. Yaakov sees Rachel. He sees the flock. He goes over. He removes the stone covering the covering the well. He irrigates the flock of Lavan, the brother of his mother, being shepherded by Rachel. And then pasuk yud alef, Vayishak Yaakov l'Rachel. Yaakov kisses Rachel. Vayisa kol vayevk. He raises his voice, and he weeps. He cries. And then he tells her who he is. He's her first cousin. He's a relative of her father. He's her father's nephew, of course. He's the son of Rivka, who is her aunt. She runs home. She tells her father. Lavan comes to greet him. He embraces him. He kisses him, and he brings him to his house. When Yaakov meets Rachel, obviously there was something very emotional about it. He starts crying. But the Torah doesn't say, "Why does he start crying?" Why is he sobbing? So, if I would just read the pasuk without any commentary and any context, I would say it was very emotional for him. Here he was a fugitive. He missed his mother. Rivka was so close to Yaakov. She really invested her whole life in raising and nurturing Yaakov. And now he was gone. First time in his life he separated from his mother. He didn't know when he would see her again. He was a fugitive running away from his brother. And when his mother told him to go to Charan, and there he would settle, and Yitzchak, his father, said that he would marry one of the daughters of Lavan, one of his cousins. And now when he meets Rachel, it's extremely emotional. It's almost like going back to a second home. The Meforshim also say the Baal HaTurim brings that Rivka told him that you're going to see that Rachel looked like Rivka. So, when he saw Rachel, he saw almost like Rachel was Rivka's niece. He saw a resemblance of his mother. It brought him back home. It brought him back to family. It gave him a sense of belonging, of protection. It was a very emotional moment. So, you when he kisses Rachel, he cries. He cries from the emotion of the moment. Everything that he's been through probably has been pent up, and it came bursting out. That would be a very normal reason why he cried. It was just an emotional moment. But Rashi, who always tries to give the simple interpretation of the pesukim, presents a whole deeper dimension to the story. And you wonder why. So, if you take a look in Rashi, vayevk, Yaakov wept. Why did he weep? With his ruach hakodesh, with his divine inspiration, he saw that he will not be buried with Rachel. One second. The Ramban says at this point Rachel was a little girl. Maybe she was 6 years old or 7 years old. You see, he had to wait 7 years till he married her. He had to work 7 years. Rachel wasn't an adult at the point. She was a girl. [cough] Which is why the Ramban says Yaakov kissed her as her cousin. She was a little girl, and he's crying because one day he won't be buried with her. [laughter] Is that really relevant right now at the moment? But So, Rashi says that's why he cried. Then he says "Davar acher." There's another reason. L'fi she b'vadi reikanis. He came empty-handed. Omer, he said, "When my father Yitzchak had to get married, my zeideh Avraham sent Eliezer with bracelets, with delicacies, with nose bands. It says Avraham sent Eliezer with 10 camels and and all good things, all types of goodies and jewelry. And I, I'm here to marry Rachel, and I'm broke. I don't have anything." Why not? Why didn't Yaakov have anything? Yitzchak was a wealthy man. He couldn't have given a couple couldn't given He could have not given Yaakov a couple of dollars. L'fi she radof Elifaz ben Eisav aviv acher of l'hareg v'yiseg. L'fi she gadol Elifaz b'cheik shel Yitzchak mashach yadov. Omer Eisav l'Yitzchak Omer Elifaz l'Yaakov kol ma she b'yadi v'ani choshev k'meis. Yaakov really did go with a lot. Yitzchak was a wealthy, affluent man, and he gave Yaakov a lot. You're going to build a house. You want to be able to bring in some money. You want to be able to start off. You want to be able Sometimes the family wants money. It's not only 2022 that people want money. Even the back then in Mesopotamia, especially Lavan, had a special affinity for money. So, that's the way to go. Eliezer understood, and Avraham gave him all the money, and that's what it had a good impact, a positive impact. So, Yitzchak certainly sent Yaakov with money, too, and jewelry. What happened was Eisav had a son Elifaz. And Eisav sent his son, and he dispatched him to go pursue Yaakov and kill him on the road. And Elifaz did encounter Yaakov. But since Elifaz grew up on the lap of Yitzchak, his grandfather, he couldn't kill Yaakov. But he told Yaakov, "I don't know what to do. You know, in our family, kibbud av, respecting the godfather, is very important. Eisav said, 'I got to kill you.'" So, Yaakov gave him a whole shiur. And Yaakov told his nephew that the Gemara says that a poor person is like a dead person. "Take away my money, I'll be poor. I'll be like a dead man walking. So, everybody will be happy. Your daddy will be happy cuz you killed me, so to speak. I'll be happy cuz I'm alive." [laughter] You did kibbud av. You killed me. You took my money. You didn't kill me because I'm still alive. And that's what Elifaz did. Elifaz took everything from Yaakov, but he wouldn't lay his finger on him because he grew up on the lap of Yitzchak. So, when Yaakov comes to Charan, he's empty-handed. He doesn't have anything. And we see that this is not just a story that Rashi quotes from the Medrash, but it actually says in Chumash cuz in Parshas Vayishlach, when Yaakov confronts Eisav and he hears that Eisav is coming with 400 men, what does Yaakov say? "Ki b'makli avarti es When I crossed the Jordan River, he was going from Beersheba, which is the south of you got to go up north, cross the Jordan River to go ultimately to the region of Turkey and Iraq where Haran is, I went through the Jordan with my stick. A stick? Who goes only with a stick? It's all I had was a stick. So clearly Yaakov said he had nothing more than a hiking hiking staff, a hiking stick or a walking stick. That's what he had. So Rashi explains why. Because Eliphaz took everything away. So now he's crying. Why is he crying? Cuz he's here with Rachel. He knows Yitzchak told him at the end of Parshas Toldos that he doesn't want him to marry a woman from Canaan. Rather, he wants him to take one of the daughters of Laban, which would be either Rachel or Leah. And at this point it would be Rachel. So he's crying because he didn't bring anything to her. So Rashi finds two interpretations why Yaakov started to weep when he meets for the first time who would become his future bride, Rachel. Why? Number one, cuz he's thinking about the burial day. One day they won't be buried together. And another interpretation is cuz he's here and he has nothing to give. All he has is a stick. Rashi does not give us the more we think more simple interpretation. He cries from emotion. Rashi says because either he was thinking about the burial, that's his first explanation. Other explanation is he's weeping not because of any emotion, but because of the fact not because of the emotion, but because of the fact that he doesn't have jewelry to give her and that's why he starts crying. What is behind this? What moved Rashi to give us these two interpretations? And really it's not Rashi. Rashi is quoting it from the Medrash as it says at the end of Rashi, it comes from the Medrash, the Chazal. Why did Chazal see in these tears a reference either to the future burial or to the fact that Yaakov was broke rather than just the encounter itself was so emotional? I once shared with you the fact that whenever you learn Medrash, people think that Medrash is just like, you know, interesting commentaries that are just adding to the story. But really the focus of Medrash as a somebody once said is like harmony to a song. You could sit down at the piano and go like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Anybody does that? Right? And you got it right. But then somebody else sits down at the piano and is da na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na. They fill in the harmony to the song and the song has a different resonance. Parshas Vayeitzei is like the notes and the Medrash is the harmony. It's not here to impose new interpretations that are not necessary to put into the text, but it's rather tries to bring out the full resonance and impact and depth of the message. Here will be an example of that. In order to appreciate this, let's for a moment learn another Medrash, which is not just equally strange, but far far more strange. How does the story progress? Yaakov is invited to Laban's home. Yaakov, it says, cherishes Rachel. He loves Rachel. Yaakov Rachel and he tells Laban, his future father-in-law, I'm going to work for you for 7 years and I want Rachel. I want Rachel as a wife. Laban's response is a little enigmatic as it usually is. He doesn't say, "Yes, sure. You're a great guy, right? I heard great stuff about you. I called you Rosh Yeshiva." He says, "Tov l'siv is me is me aher." It's better to give her to you than to give her to somebody else. It's almost like, "I'm not sure you're the right guy, but under the circumstances, you're on top of the list. Okay, fine." Yaakov serves for 7 years. The Torah says they passed like few days because of his profound affection towards Rachel. And when the 7 years are up, he asks Laban if he could marry Rachel. Now take a look in Pasuk Bais, the next page. Again, if you have the blue Chumashim, it's page 84. Parshas Vayeitzei, Perek Perek Tes, Pasuk Bais. Bereishis 29, verse 22. Vayeitzei Laban kol anshai hamakom vayass mishteh. Laban gathers all the people of the place and he makes a feast. It's a wedding, a chasunah. You make a mishteh. Vayihi erev, it's night time. Vayikach es Leah bito vayove oisah elav vayove elav. Laban does the famous switch. He takes his older daughter, Leah. Of course, he has two daughters. One is older, one is younger. Leah is the older one. And he takes Leah and he brings Leah to Yaakov. He brings Leah to Yaakov's tent. And indeed, which means they consummate the marriage as a husband and wife. Pasuk Chaf Hey. He also gives Pasuk Dalet, he gives Leah a a maidservant. Her name is Zilpah. So she would be able to be an assistant of Leah in the new house. Pasuk Chaf Hey, Vayihi boker. This happened at night. It was dark. Yaakov didn't see who came into the tent. Vayihi boker, morning arrives. V'hinei hi Leah. And behold, she's Leah. Whoops. It's the wrong one. V'hinei hi Leah. What happened at this moment? Vayomer el Laban, he speaks to Laban. Now Laban is not in the tent. [laughter] So he leaves the tent obviously and he goes to his father-in-law and he says, "Mah zo asisa li?" What did you do to me? Halo b'Rachel avad'ticha l'amri misani. I worked 7 years for Rachel. That was the condition. Why did you misani means why did you deceive me? Why have you been so deceitful to me? What's Laban's answer? Leah osah b'makomeinu lo se'aseh tze'irah lifnei habchirah. It's morally inappropriate in our region, in our zip code, it's unheard of that you allow the younger daughter to get married before the oldest daughter. You don't do that. Leah osah b'makomeinu. In other words, I am sensitive to the moral constitution of our place, of our region. Leah is not married yet. I can't marry off Rachel before Leah. Tze'irah lifnei habchirah. And of course, therefore I had to give you Leah. They say, you know, how do you know you're dealing with a crook? You come in to complain and then you go out feeling guilty. You know he's an authentic crook, right? It's just a good litmus test. Okay. And say, "Me? Me? I'm the tzaddik. You're the crazy one, right? You're the crazy one." You ever had anybody do that to you? Okay. Gaslighting. Gaslighting they call it today. Yeah, very good. And he continues. He says there's no problem. You know, let's finish the Sheva Brachos. You'll marry Rachel too and you'll work another 7 years for me, right? It's perfect. You got Leah for 7 years, you got Rachel for another 7 years. And then comes the surprise. Yaakov says, "Okay, I'm in." Vaya'as Yaakov kein, he does that. They wait till this end of the 7 days. From here we learn Sheva Brachos. He marries Rachel and indeed, he stays another 7 years to work for Rachel and then he'll stay yet another 6 years. Ultimately, he'll remain in this home of Laban for two decades, for 20 years. Mhm. Then the Torah says in Pasuk Lamed, Vayavo gam el Rachel. He also came to Rachel meaning he consummated the marriage with Rachel. Vaye'ehav gam es Rachel miLeah. Now here is where the English translation will never capture the Hebrew. Because if you translate it literally, the sentence will come out very awkward. Vaye'ehav gam es Rachel. He loved also Rachel from Leah. Right? Doesn't work. In Hebrew, it's very subtle. Vaye'ehav gam es Rachel. He also loved Rachel. Which means he loved Leah cuz you can't say you also loved somebody else if you didn't love the first one. But [snorts] miLeah, but more than Leah. So he loved also Rachel. Which meaning he loved Leah, but he loved also Rachel, but Rachel more than Leah. And he works another 7 years. Vayar Hashem ki sane'ah Leah. Hashem sees that Leah is unloved. Vayiftach es Rachel opens her womb. Rachel Rachel is barren. Rachel is infertile. And Leah begins having her children. The first one is Reuven, the second one is Shimon, Levi, Yehudah and the the story progresses with the birth of the Shvatim, the children of Leah and then ultimately children of Rachel later and Bilhah and Zilpah, etc. What happened in that morning? Vayihi boker. V'hinei hi Leah. Behold, she's Leah. Did Yaakov and Leah have a conversation at that moment? It says he went to Laban, but what did he tell Leah? Before he went to Laban, did he just run out run out of the house and go to Leah? The Pasuk doesn't say. As usual, the Torah is filled with gaps, especially when it comes to emotions. And it almost allows you to concoct in your imagination what might have happened at that moment. And part of the Medrash's role is that it fills these gaps. So if you look in Medrash Rabbah, we quoted before the Medrash about Yaakov crying when he met Rachel. What happened this morning? In the morning he sees she's Leah. Did he say anything to her? I would assume something happened. So the Midrash here says yeah, they had a conversation. What was the conversation? And this is quoted in a few of the Midrashim in Midrash Rabbah, in Midrash Tanhuma, in Midrash Lekach Tov. Each one a little bit with a slightly different version, but the theme is identical. Yaakov turned to Leah and I'm paraphrasing, I'm just giving the content. And Yaakov tells Leah what we like we would say in English, the apple did not fall far from the tree. You are a proud daughter of your tatty. Your father is a crook, so are you. Why did you deceive me? Why did you come into the tent portrayed, depicted, personified as Rachel when you're Leah? What did Leah say? So the Midrash says Leah said these words to him. Every every craftsman needs a teacher. Every craftsman, there's no trade that I can cultivate and excel in if I don't have somebody mentoring me. That's the fact. Whether it's athleticism or dancing or writing or communication or farming or goldsmith or blacks- whatever any trade in the world, you need a teacher. She says even a barber. [laughter] Not even. Cutting hair is an art, to a sapper. And every barber has a rebbe. You have to have a rebbe, a teacher to teach you how to give a good haircut. Right? They say the difference between a good and bad haircut is a few weeks. But still, person has to know what they're doing. Even to cut a piece of meat, you know, there's an art. I don't have to tell this kosher oil. Right? There's people who know how to cut and don't know how to cut. There's people who cut contrary to the structure of the meat and there's those there's a special word for it. You're an author, what's the name? With the grain, right? You're carving, you're carving. Michelangelo once said, they asked him how he did what he did. He was considered the greatest one of the greatest sculptor in history and he said I saw the angel trapped in the marble and I carved and carved and I set the angel free. That's what a real educator is. That's what a teacher is. You don't create the angel, you see the angel right there and you carve and carve and you set the angel free. That's what a That's what a good teacher is. So Leah tells Yaakov, I want to tell you something. Crooks also have teachers. Ganavim also have teachers. Everybody has a rebbe. [laughter] Everybody has somebody who's a role model, who inspires them. My father is a crook, I'm a crook, but we had a good teacher. And I'm going to tell you about this teacher. There was an old man who couldn't see. And he called in his oldest son. And he said, bring me food and I'm going to bless you. And there was a younger brother who went and camouflaged himself as the older brother and deceived his father and stole the blessings. This man was our teacher. He taught me and my father how to lie. That was her response. That's what the Midrash says. Huh? Deja vu all over again, right? Checkmate. Now you see where this relationship is going, don't you? WhatsApp? Does anybody know any story? [laughter] Their version of WhatsApp. Now, the Midrash says this. It's so interesting. The Torah doesn't say this conversation. It's a gap. Something happened. [cough] And the Midrash says and that's when their relationship became a difficult relationship. He snowed on Leah. Now the Midrash Lekach Tov says that actually Yaakov loved Leah, it says. Loved Yaakov Leah. After this conversation, it was extremely difficult. Now, it's a very powerful conversation. It's certainly sharp, it's certainly scathing, right? You don't start up with a Jewish wife. The question though is, but let's go a little deeper here. What is Leah really saying? Let's say she's 100% right that what Yaakov did was morally wrong. Let's say for a moment, let's consider that for a moment. So therefore, I I I'm allowed to be deceptive? Yaakov asked her a good question. Why did you deceive me? So let's say I'm doing business with somebody and I rob them blindly. And then they say, why did you rob me? I say, well, 7 years ago or actually 14 years ago, you know, you robbed your father. You robbed your brother-in-law. You sat in prison, whatever. Okay, let's say you're right. No, so because somebody else is a thief, I'm allowed to be a thief? What's Leah saying? It's certainly a very sharp remark. So you could say Leah is just saying, Yaakov, what comes around goes around, what goes around comes around. Every action generates a reaction. But this is a response to her actions. She's not giving an ideological lecture about Yaakov's behavior. She's talking about what she did. [clears throat] Right, so is there a reason here or just you deceived, I'm a decep- decepter. And then Yaakov runs to Laban. And he says, Laban, why did you do it? And Laban says, oh, we're right. We can't marry off Leah. We can't marry off Rachel before Leah. What is the Midrash teaching us here? I'm going to focus on one more thing. Most people wouldn't realize this, but in Torah all these things make a difference. Vayi ba boker vihinei hi Leah. Hi. How do you spell hi? Anybody knows how do you spell hi? Very good. How is it spelled? Who? You know the difference, right? Hi means she. Who means he. Now, Leah was a woman. Vihinei hi Leah. It's not a who Leah. So the truth is when you read the Torah, this is what's called kri and ktiv. Sometimes words are written one way, but they're pronounced differently. This is one of those examples. But if it's written differently, that means there's some significance here. It's not an error. So vihinei who Leah? I thought hi Leah. Why is it written who and pronounced alef as he is always written? It's very, very difficult to understand this. Obviously, there's some hint here. What is it? Previous pasuk says vayavi oisah l'Lavan, vayavi elav. It's all elav, it's her, not elav. Leah was elaha, not elav. Elav is a man, elaha is a woman. Next one it says vayi dinu hakhamim zois, she e ro'eh lifnei kharur. What does it say? Tzo'er lifnei kharur. You're talking about a female. These are little things through which the Torah is expressing a very profound idea, intimating it, but you have to be able to pick up on that. Oh, wow. Okay. So something fell. There's something else that's very difficult and strange in the story. When the Torah introduces the two sisters, a few pesukim earlier, take a look at pasuk tazayin. Perek [snorts] of test pasuk tazayin, the bottom of 83. Ul'Lavan shtei banos, shem hagdolah Leah v'shem haktanah Rachel. Laban has two daughters. The older one is Leah, the younger one is Rachel. V'einei Leah rakos. The eyes of Leah are rakos. What does rakos mean? Rakos usually is translated as soft or sensitive or weak. V'Rachel hayisah yefas to'ar v'yefas mar'eh. Rachel was yefas to'ar v'yefas mar'eh. Rashi explains what's the difference between to'ar and mar'eh. Yefas means beautiful. So Rashi says to'ar is the physique and mar'eh is the radiance. So yefas to'ar is the physical structure of a person's body and mar'eh is the radiance, the light that comes off them. Rachel's beauty was in both. Einei Leah rakos. What What does it mean her eyes were weak? Her eyes were soft? So here again you might say it's just a physical description of her eyes. But Rashi says, no, there's a whole other story here. What's the story? So Rashi says in pasuk tazayin, she hayisah tzo'er l'alos b'goraloh shel Esav u'va'alha. She believed she's going to marry Esav and she wept. She yohaku amrim, shnei banim l'Rifkah, shnei banos l'Lavan. Hagdolah l'gadol v'haktanah l'katan. Again quoting a Midrash and a Gemara in Bava Basra kuf kuf gimmel. The world said as follows. Yaakov has two sons. Rifkah has two sons. Laban has two daughters. Rifkah and Laban are brothers. Perfect shidduch. The older for the older, the younger for the younger. So Esav will marry Leah and Yaakov will marry Rachel. This is what they used to say. Because of this, Rachel was grieving and she wept. Leah, sorry. And because Leah wept so much, it affected her eyes. So, her eyes were affected by the quantities of tears and the sobbing and the weeping because of her pain and agony that she might end up with Esau. In fact, one of the Midrashim even says that there was a letter exchange between Rivka and her brother Laban from Aramean to Israel to Mesopotamia. A letter exchange, right? You have to kin the lakh. I have to kin the lakh. Let's keep it in the family. Rashi doesn't say there was a letter exchange, but it says they used to say. But here's the question. We have a principle in Halakha. A Mesian al me data. Marriage is always voluntary. You can't force a man or you can't force a woman into a marriage. You're not allowed to. Halakhically, it's not considered a marriage. It's not a valid marriage if the groom or the bride don't fully consent to it. In fact, the source of it is Rivka herself. In Parshas Vayechi Sarah, Laban and Laban and Bethuel, they were hesitant about sending Rivka away to go marry Isaac, right? Eliezer was pushing them to agree. And what happened? They said, "Let's ask her." Right? Let's call the Na'ara V'Nish'alah Aspeya. And we're going to ask her. And they did, and Rivka said, "Elekh, I'm going." And she went, and she became Isaac's wife. So, from there we learn V'Nish'alah Aspeya, you always have to ask her. Is this what you want? So, what's Leah worried about? If she doesn't want to marry Esau, she won't marry Esau. People are saying, that's their problem. [snorts] So, they're saying. If you don't want to marry Esau, why do you have to sit and cry and cry and cry about Esau? It's your choice. Nobody can force you to marry anybody. That's the big question here. And yet something bothered Leah very very deeply. So, the truth is that there is an underlying story here that needs to be explored and understood because Leah wasn't just crying because what they call in Yiddish Mikvana'as. This was news spreading around. Leah's going to marry Esau, and some Yentas or Yachnas or Lady GaGa's didn't have anything to do or making Shidduchim for Leah. But rather, Leah felt and understood that she may have been Esau's soulmate. It's not Sh'How You Omrim in the street, some people who were, you know, posting whatever they wanted to post, but Leah felt there was something genuine here. And this this perturbed her. The Medrash says Vayar Hashem Ki Snu'ah Leah. Hashem saw that Leah was hated. What does it mean Snu'ah? So, the Medrash says Ki Snu'ah Ki Snu'im Ma'asei Einav Ba'einaha. The deeds of Esau were hated by her. Ki Snu'ah Leah, that's why she cried so much. Which is very strange. It says Hashem saw that Leah was hated. Leah was hated. So, the Medrash says, "No, not Leah was hated. The actions of Esau were hated by Leah." How could you put that into the words? Ki Snu'ah Leah means Leah was unliked. She was loathed. She was disliked. And the Medrash says, "No, it means that Esau was unliked by Leah." So, why did they say Snu'ah Leah? Again, very strange. It seems like you're imposing on words a meaning that's completely out of context of what the statement is saying. Hashem saw that Leah was unloved, and you're saying Hashem saw that Leah didn't like what Esau was doing, and therefore she didn't want to marry him. In order to appreciate all of this, you got to go back to the beginning. Esau and Jacob are twins. Esau comes out first. Jacob comes out second. When they took pictures of Jacob coming out, besides writing how much he weighed, how much hair he had, who he looked like, the Shviger, the Shver, the Bubbe, the Zayde, the Alte Bubbe, the uncles, the aunts, they also noticed something else. V'Yado Achazes B'Ekev Esau. His cute little hand were was holding onto the heel of Esau, to the Pyata, to the to the sole, to the to the heel of Esau. Now, if you have to name your child, what type of name do you give your child? Right? So, they decided that his name is going to be Jacob. What does Jacob mean? A heel. Not because he was holding onto his own heel. May love, he was holding onto his own heel, it's so cute that a baby comes out that way. I don't know if it's cute or not. But depends for whom. Depends for the one taking the picture or the one experiencing it. But uh Fine, he's holding onto his own heel, so it's like, "Okay, it's so cute." He wasn't holding onto his own. He was holding onto Esau's heel. So, he's called Jacob. His name is, when he asked, "Why do you call me Jacob?" "Ah, for your brother's heel." That's interesting. So, my identity is my brother's heel, Jacob, and Yod, Yodoi. Yod is Yad, Yod, right? Yodoi, his Yod is holding onto the Akev, Ya'akov. Esau was called Esau. Rashi says, "Why? Cuz he came out, he looked like a mature kid. He was grown with hair. He was a redhead. He full developed." So, Esau was like Asui, he's made, he's complete. Like he's done. You know, you could send him off to graduate. Asui, he's complete, he's done, he's made, a made man. But Jacob is holding onto Esau's heel. So, Esau gets a name because of himself, and Jacob gets a name which is connected to his brother, not even his brother's head, his brother's heel that he was holding onto. Now, what happens afterwards? The children grow up. Esau is a skilled hunter. Jacob is a Ish Tam, he's a sincere person sitting in the tents and learning. And then we have the story Rivka loves Jacob. Isaac loves Esau. Ultimately, Esau sells his birthright. Ultimately, Jacob will take Esau's blessings. And the way we understand it is, and the way the story develops, especially when it comes to Rashi and the Midrashim and the Meforshim is Jacob emerges as a righteous person. Esau is called Esau Harasha, emerges as an immoral, wicked person. But there's something disturbing about the whole story. When Rivka was pregnant with her twins, the Torah says her pregnancy was tumultuous. Vayisrotzetzu Habanim B'Kirba, to the point that she questioned her life. Lama Zeh Anochi, why am I? It wasn't just a difficult pregnancy, it was a pregnancy that was so painful to the point that she asks, "Why am I?" That's a deep question. Lama Zeh Anochi, why am I? [snorts] It really makes her question everything. And then she's told by Hashem through the prophet, "You have two nations in your womb." Shnei B'Vitnekh. Shnei Lomim Me'ayikh Yiparedu. From your womb, two nationalities, two cultures will emerge. U'Le'om Me'Le'om Yimatz, there will be a struggle. V'Rav Ya'avod Tza'ir. Rashi says, "What made her pregnancy so unique that Rivka doubted everything?" So, Rashi again quotes a Medrash. Torah doesn't say. Torah just says it was a very tumultuous experience. So, Rashi famously says in the beginning of Toldos that every time Rivka walked by Forschay and went by a Beis Medrash, Jacob got excited. He was enthusiastic. He started to kick. It was Lebedik. And every time she passed a pagan monastery or center of idolatry, suddenly Esau started to say L'Chaim. And Esau got enthusiastic. And Esau became Esau was aroused, and Esau was Lebedik. Rivka is like, "Oy vey, you know, what type of child do I have? You know, who is this kid?" Right? This is multiple personalities in one person. And the prophet says it's two separate children. Two separate children in your womb. Twins ultimately are born, Jacob and Esau. But there's a much more fundamental question. Let's think about this. I don't know if anybody here remembers what happened in the womb. But you certainly remember carrying your children in the womb. Now, here's the question. Does a child, a fetus, have free choice in a womb? Nobody chooses what to do in the womb of their mother. So, our behaviors in the womb of our mother are what you would call today genetically predispositions. So, who decided that Esau should gravitate to idolatry in the womb? Who decided that? Hashem, right? Hashem decided that. So, why are you calling Esau a Rasha? I don't understand. In the womb, he's predisposed to it. Why are you blaming him? Imagine a child is dealing with something in the womb, and then you say, "Yeah, you're a Rasha." Really? Why? Because you you gave me this genetic disposition. This is my chemistry. This is an addiction or a challenge I have from the womb. In other words, it's in my genes. Why are you blaming him? Call him a Rasha? Jacob is a Tzaddik? Jacob was born pure and Yaakov Esau was already born gravitating to idolatry. Nobody's going to go in to the jungle and say the lioness is wicked. The antelope is a tzaddikus. The tiger is a rasha marusha. The bear is a rasha marusha for eating salmon. The cheetah is a rasha marusha. The gazelle, the giraffe, the zebras, they're tzaddikim. You really expect a lioness to wake up one morning and say, you know, I made a chazbon on the fish last night and I went to therapy for many years and I'm having a I'm really pondering my future and my destiny and I did 25 years of healing and I decided that my aggressive nature is really inappropriate and I decided that I want to become a new person or a new animal and therefore henceforth I am a cute little puppy. Even though I look like a big lion or lioness, don't be afraid I'm a puppy. You can't expect lionesses to do that, tigers to do this, cheetahs to do this. They're genetic they are genetically predisposed to all their behaviors. That's how it is. So, what do you want from Esau? And yet we call Esau a rasha simultaneously saying that already in the womb it was all there. So, we don't realize the contradiction, but the moment you say it was already in the womb, you're basically saying it's not him, it's God. [laughter] Or it's his mother or it's his zaida or epigenetics. Epigenetics is basically the idea that we carry trauma in our genes. Professor from Mount Sinai a few years ago interviewed 40,000 children of Holocaust survivors, right, and discovered that trauma is not a story that you tell your children or they hear, it's something that goes into the genes and therefore it's inherited genetically and therefore you could be carrying in your genes something that happened to your father, mother, grandmother, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-grandmother 100 years ago or your child may be dealing with something in his or her genes that has nothing to do with their story. The last thing you want to do is blame the person. [snorts] They're carrying somebody else's story. However you want to define the story of Esau, if you want to use scientific language, biological language, language of geneticists, the language of moralists, of spiritualists, but the bottom line is in the womb I do not carve out my path. It's even hard to carve out your path when you're 20 years old or 40 years old. Certainly in the womb nobody has that consciousness. The answer to this question is extremely fundamental to Judaism. And the answer is articulated in one sentence. To struggle against evil does not make you evil. To struggle with evil simply puts you on a unique path and gives you a unique mission. It doesn't turn you into a bad person. One of the most tragic mistakes people make is they equate a struggle with negativity as negative. A struggle with toxicity as toxic [snorts] but that's not true. My struggles don't make me into a bad person, they just define where my arena of choice is. They define what my shlichus is, what my mission is. In fact, my struggles may be my most spiritual, my deepest spiritual gift to turn me into the person I'm supposed to become. So, in simple terms it means as follows. Even if Esau would have emerged as the greatest tzaddik in the world, he would have never looked like Yaakov. Bechira doesn't mean that Esau could be like Yaakov, Esau can't be like Yaakov. Just like I can't be like you, just like you can't be like your sister. Even though in school they said, "Why can't you be like your sister?" You remember? Or as I once heard them, "When your father was in this yeshiva, you be like your father?" Or like your older brother, even better. The answer is cuz I'm not my brother. Cuz I'm not my Esau could have become the greatest tzaddik in the world, he would have never looked like Yaakov. You know why? His magnetic field was different. His arena of choices was different. He was playing in a different arena. His struggles were different. His genes were different. His challenges were different. Esau's choices, whether he's going to be Esau, who Esau really could be or not, but not to become like Yaakov. You never say, "Why can't you be like another person?" Rebbe Zusya once said, "I'm not afraid when I come to heaven they're going to say, 'Why weren't you like Moshe?'" I'm not Moshe. They might tell me, "Why weren't you Zusya? Why weren't you like Zusya?" That's a different question. So, if somebody is struggling with something, the worst thing I could one of the worst things I could do to myself or to others is equate that struggle with evil. It's almost like if you were a good person you wouldn't have the struggle. That's a terrible, terrible thing to say. It's so not true. Look at Esau. Esau didn't have a choice. His destiny was to struggle with avodah zarah. I may not understand the struggle. I have my struggles. This was not something that Esau chose cuz he was a bad boy. This is something that was given to Esau. Now, Esau had a choice. His choice was either his struggles become an invitation to weakness, despair, resignation, surrendering to my struggle and using it as an excuse to become a promiscuous person or to see your struggles as an invitation to become the person you're capable of becoming by working through my struggles, subduing, processing, identifying, confronting and ultimately sublimating and transforming. Depends where every person is in their field of work. That's my choice. But the struggles I have, even when those struggles are difficult and sometimes struggles may be even very grotesque and sometimes struggles may be very dark and sometimes the struggles may completely demoralize a person from within to the point that you wake up in the morning and you say, "Lama zeh anochi?" to quote Rivka. Why am I? Not who am I? Who am I? Is a good question. It's a classic Jewish question. Who am I? Why am I? Is a much deeper question. It's much more existentially difficult. Existential angst. Lama zeh anochi? [snorts] The response to that is not, "Oh, if you would be if you would do teshuvah you wouldn't have the struggle." Chas v'shalom. No, the response is it's working through this particular challenge that is my mission. My soul came down to this world to work through this darkness, to transform it, to deal with it because only through this will I become the human being I'm capable of becoming. This is the journey of my soul. These obstacles are not blocking my path, [snorts] they are my path. It's a different perception. Esau's struggles were not obstructing his path to holiness, they were his path to holiness. And that's the truth [snorts] about life. Everybody deals with things emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically, spiritually. Nature, nurture, genetic, what happens later in life, things that were done willingly, unwillingly, inadvertently, at home, in school, in community, things I'm aware of consciously and things I may be aware of I may not be aware of consciously and maybe one day I'll be aware of part of it consciously. The key is two things. Number one, don't equate your value based on how much struggle you have as though the good people struggle less. I must be so horribly messed up and damaged. Look at me. No, it means you have a different shlichus, a different mission. And maybe and perhaps working through that will turn you into something that is a light that is so powerful and infinite that surpasses any other light in the world because you're taking that very weakness and that very trauma and that very adversity and transforming it into a vista to truth and enlightenment and divinity, which is why Yitzchak loved Esau so much and wanted to bless him. Yitzchak wasn't naive. You think every father knows who their son is. You think that Yitzchak Esau just came to him and said, "Tati, how do you give ma'aser from ketchup?" "Tati, how do you give ma'aser from snowballs? Tati, how do you give ma'aser from slush?" Oh, wow, my son. What a tzaddik. And then he went to murder? Yitzchak knew everything about Esau. Yitzchak understood the soul of Esau. He understood the pristine beauty of Esau. He understood that Esau's trajectory was a very difficult one. You can't compare Esau to Yaakov. Esau felt so close with Yitzchak cuz he knew that his father, papa, understands him. Papa gets him. It doesn't mean Yitzchak agreed with all of his choices, but it means that Yitzchak understood where the struggle began. Yitzchak didn't just look at Esau and say, "You're just a rotten potato, a rotten tomato." Yitzchak saw the potential of Esau and always wanted to bring him back to that place, even though it didn't work out. And the reason he wanted to bring him back to that place is because ultimately Yitzchak and Rivka were the mother and father of the Jewish people. And the Jewish people, like all people, would have all of this in their midst. We each have it in ourselves. You all have We all have a Yaakov in us. We have an Esau in us. Some people have more of this, more of this, but usually we're a hybrid of both. There's Yaakov in me, there's Esau in me. There are those parts of you that are easier. There are those parts of you that are smoother. There's those parts of you where you cruise through life with relative serenity and tranquility. And then there are those individuals and those parts within of us that create turmoil. They create tension. It's anything but simple. I have to conquer. I have to overcome. I have to identify. And there could be a lot a lot of pain associated with it. That's the Esau inside of me. The Huh? One moment. So when Yaakov is born, Yitzchak seizes by the heel of Esau. It's a very profound idea. If my hand is holding on to somebody's heel, what it basically means is that person's heel is pulling me up. When you move up, I move [snorts] up. Cuz if I'm holding on to your heel, right, and you're moving, you're growing, I get pulled up. This is a very profound It says he called his name Yaakov. Who's he? Rashi says, when it comes to Esau, the Torah says and he Every word is precise. It says they called him Esau. Yaakov, he called him Yaakov. By Esau, everybody called him Esau. By Yaakov, there was one person who had to have the perception. Vayikra. The question is was it Yitzchak? Was it Hashem? Because what Yaakov was learning at this moment is, spiritually speaking, the Esau inside of me is not here to destroy me. It's here to elevate me. If I could just hold on to the heel of Esau, even that which seems like the heel, the Midrash says that the heel is considered the Malach Hamavet in a person, because the least circulation comes to the heel. That's why people who chas v'shalom suffer from diabetes, right, the feet [clears throat] are always the first victims, because diabetes affects circulation. And circulation of the feet on a good day is poor because of its distance from the heart and the nature of its physical chemistry, make molecular makeup. So therefore, it's called a Malach Hamavet, like the rough skin, the sole. The sole Even the sole of Esau, the lowest part of Esau, it's really V'Yado Achaz B'Ekev Esau. It's really there to raise you to heights that were unprecedented. Because in a person's life, if we think about it, there are those parts of me that I could look in the mirror and say "Yasher koach, machaya." Beautiful. There's those parts of me that may torment me. They make life difficult. They make relationships difficult. Sometimes people have certain features, literally memories stuck in their body, that make their relationships with themselves, with their loved ones, difficult. It sometimes takes them years to discover that the people around them are not at fault, but sometimes something inside of me is so wounded and so stuck, I may not even know about it, and it's paralyzing and literally freezing all my relationships. That discovery is a painful discovery. That discovery causes a lot of grief. Well, you have to grief, cuz it's grieving for an innocence that has been taken away. It's grieving for a childhood that have may been that may have been taken away. But, if I go even deeper, I will realize that it's this precise struggle that if I don't run away from it, if I can look at it, if I can cry with it, if I can even cuddle it and thank it for trying to keep me alive, cuz it did. It kept me in survival mode, but it allowed me to survive. Sometimes shutting down is your only way of surviving. Thank it for keeping you alive. And now say, and now let's go much deeper and let's redefine this very experience as a springboard for extraordinary awareness and enlightenment. And whenever you take that energy and you transform it into a catalyst for growth, there is a growth that is unbelievably powerful, because it has a nuclear energy, cuz all the negativity is transformed. Kayitz min hachoshech, like the darkness that is transformed into light, creates a whole different level of light. When you look at people in their eyes, people who have been through real painful experience, but they turned it into sources of real vulnerability and honesty, there's nobody you can have a relationship with as deep as with such people, because there's no ego. There's no vanity. There's no haughtiness. There's no cover-ups. Sometimes you meet a person and you can almost feel this halo of of of purity around them. And you know this person worked through a lot a lot of stuff. There's like almost a There's no superficiality. They can't afford to be superficial. The regular superficial conversations that mean nothing to nobody work for some people, but not for such people. They had to fight for their soul. They had to fight for everything they own. It's a different level. And then that heel of Esau proves to sublimate me. But sadly, Esau, instead of becoming the hero of the struggle, the conqueror, Esau saw his struggles as an invitation for weakness. Esau Most people didn't understand them. And the most tragic thing was he didn't understand himself. When you have so many difficulties going on within you, how do you understand yourself what they are? You need really a light, because very often my struggles are just an invitation for more depression, for more anger, for more resentment, for more freezing, for more paralysis, for more fight, flight, freeze, fawn, whatever my reactions are. To be able to look and see my struggles as an invitation for extraordinary intimacy and greatness is very very profound. That's what Yitzchak was teaching Esau, trying to teach Esau. He wants to give him the blessings. Now Rivka loved Esau, loved Yaakov, but Rivka was also a Yiddishe mama. And papa, tatty, is sometimes a very idealistic. You know, your husband ever came home with a gevaldige plan for the family, like, you know, a halamaya trip, you know, to the moon and back, and in the middle you go for slush and ice cream and pizza. All right. And then mama looks at it and says, "Okay, scratch this, scratch this, scratch this, scratch this, scratch this, scratch this. It's not happening." Rivka had her feet on the ground, let's put it that way. Rivka didn't challenge Yitzchak. She understood Yitzchak. She understood Esau. But Rivka understood, let's say somebody is chas v'shalom a drug addict. And I give them money to go to rehab. At this moment, they're not going to use the money to go to rehab. So Rivka understood that the brochos have to go to Esau, but only through Yaakov. Yaakov is in a position where he can acquire these blessings and one day he'll be able to give them to Esau, cuz right now Esau in potentiality was a great soul. In many ways, it says in Sefarim his soul was higher than Yaakov's soul, which is why he was sent down to lower places. But at that moment, he has fallen too far from himself to be able to give him that level of energy, which would only be squandered and abused and exploited in negative ways. Almost like giving that addict money to go to rehab. They're not capable at the moment. They're going to use the money for more drugs. You have to give the money to somebody else and say "Hold it for them. When they're ready, bring them into healing." And throughout history, the relationship of Yaakov and Esau is one where Yaakov sublimates Esau until the ultimate tikkun, until the ultimate healing, until the ultimate correction. But the position of Yitzchak is recorded in the Torah so meticulously, because the perspective of Yitzchak is so critical to understand who Esau really is and who Esau becomes. There's always who Esau is and who Esau thinks he are he is, and they're not the same. The Torah even keeps on depicting Esau from a very innocent perspective to the point that we once gave a shiur about this few years ago. If you read through Parshas Toldos, your sympathies are drawn to Esau, not to Yaakov. There's a reason for it. The Torah wants you to understand the pristine purity of Esau. The Torah also doesn't want us to make the same mistake with our own children. Cuz one of the greatest mistakes in education is when somebody does not completely tune in to what the struggle what struggle a child is experiencing. And as somebody once said, "Don't turn to the child or to the adult and say, 'What's wrong with you?'" Can you turn to them and hold their hand and ask, "What happened to you?" It's a very different question. "What's wrong with you?" means I'm assuming you're evil. You're a troublemaker. You're a bad kid. "What happened to you?" I want to understand what is you're experiencing. What is going on? [snorts] My wife shared with me a story she read in a book, What Happened to You? Very very powerful story. There was a boy and he was uh terribly abused by by father physically. And ultimately child services took him away from the house and they put him into a foster home. And he was doing very well. And then the foster home closed, so he had to go to another foster home. And he was also doing very well. He had good therapists and he had a good I think a very good mother. It was just he got the support he needed under the circumstances. One day when he moved he had to change schools and he went into a school and he did very well for a year in the school and then came a new year and a new teacher. And the kid started to act out in class. But he was miserable. And he was screaming and rebelling and complete complete loss of impulse control and defiance disorder. So as usual they diagnosed him with every mental illness in the world. ADHD, PDD, defiance disorder, depression, aggression. Anything you want, right? Nothing was helping. Nothing was helping. They went from one to another one. And [snorts] they found a therapist of apparently a very smart actually the doctor wrote a book. They went to him. And uh he had to figure this out. He had to figure this out. Look look look look at how a person could be misunderstood how a child could be misunderstood. Uh I guess we had our little break, okay? You got to be thankful for what you have. [cough] This fellow went to visit the father in prison. And as a a sensitive acute person he happened to smell the deodorant the father was using and it was a very acute smell. He said something was almost a gift of God. He met with the teacher a few days later. And he asked the teacher, "Can I ask a personal question? What deodorant do you use?" It turns out it was the same deodorant the father used. Now understand what was happening. This poor kid I'm not going to tell you how he was abused by his father cuz it's not for a class between civil people. The man was a real murderer. Is a real murderer. He's in prison. This child when he came into the classroom he smelled something. This wasn't a conscious choice. I'm going to make trouble. This was completely preverbal. It brought his body back to the being in close proximity to his father. And all the reactions that he had then he had again. Cuz trauma is stuck in the body. The body keeps the score. This was completely unconscious. The kid completely went into survival mode. Almost like imagine there's a kid in a classroom. Imagine there's a kid in a classroom. Teacher's trying to give a lesson and a lion right now. Imagine, okay? Hostile zone. But if a lion comes into this room right now, what is everybody going to do? Run. Now what if Rabbi Jacobson says, "Come on, women. Let's meditate. I know you're anxious. I know you're anxious, but let's do a meditation. Close your eyes. Let's do some wooing. Let's get the vagus nerve. What is it called? Let it expand, right? Let's get into executive functioning prefrontal lobe. Let's get out of survival brain little big brain. You're going to look at me and say the best tight meshuga. I'm out. Why? Isn't meditation and the answer is cuz there's a lion in the room for heaven's sake. When there's a lion in the room you don't meditate. You run. For that child there was a lion in the classroom. So you tell him, "But you have to behave. The teacher is speaking. I'll give you a punishment. I'll give you a reward. I'll give you 100 bottles of slush. Brilliant." People think education means being nice to children. Of course. It means understanding what people are experiencing. Emotional attunement. Emotional attunement takes a lot of inner work. If I'm triggered by this child I can't be emotionally attuned. Cuz I'm not emotionally attuned to myself. So the Torah wants us to know don't just dismiss Asav. The bad kid. In the womb he was struggling. Understand where Yitzchak is coming from. Yitzchak never stopped believing in this child. Even though the blessings went to Yaakov. But how can the blessings go to Yaakov if Asav is supposed to be the archetype of the struggler in the Jewish people? This is what happens. When Rivka tells Yaakov to get the blessings she puts on the clothes of Asav on Yaakov. It's not just a deceptive mechanism. It's much deeper. She was telling Yaakov Yankeleh from today you're going to have to fill two roles in the history of the Jewish people. You're going to have to find the Asav inside of you. Just as you're familiar with the Yaakov inside of you. Because you're going to be a father not just to people who are cruisers but also to people who are strugglers. You're going to be able to have to bless not just those who are goody-goodies but also those and those parts of the goody-goodies that deal with torment. So Yaakov you're going to have to learn. It says in Kabbalah when she gave him the clothes of Asav it was almost like giving him the neshama of Asav. It's like in lehavdil in acting school, you know, you put on the uniform of the person you're trying to to to emulate and almost like you know, you start thinking you're that person, right? If if you if you dress What do they say? If you dress the part long enough It's not just I'll dress in your uniform and lie to everybody. You know, a person Reb Yankel Galinsky was a big magid in Bnei Brak. He was from the Varediks. He was in Siberia for many years by the communists. So he once shared a story. He used to wake up at 4:00 in the morning to put on tefillin before they woke up cuz afterwards you could, you know, be sent to the to the to the to the firing squad. So the first time the moment he could put on tefillin he would wake up. And one day he sees another fellow, an inmate, a Russian inmate also get up at that time and put on a military uniform of a general's military uniform and stand for like a minute and then take it off and go back into bed. So he asked him, "What are you doing?" So he said he was a general in the Tsar's army. And then the Bolsheviks came and destroyed everything. And of course he was sent to Siberia. He never wants to forget that he's a general. So every morning he puts it on. He looks at himself. He sees all of his decorations. I'm never going to let them make me forget that I'm a general. Why did I say this story? Oh, yeah. Rivka is telling him you're going to have to learn about Asav's identity. At that moment Yaakov now plays a dual role. In fact, he's going to have a name change. Yaakov and Yisrael. The word Yisrael means ki sarisa. You have wrestled with God and with men and you have prevailed. Vatuach. Yaakov will have two names. Yaakov now becomes the father not just for the beautiful pious soul which is amazing but also for the struggler. Now come with me on a journey from Israel to Turkey. Rivka had two sons. Lavan had two daughters. Leah and Rachel. Look at their names. What does Rachel mean? Rachel in Hebrew is a lamb, a ewe. E W E. A ewe, a sheep. A sheep is white, bright very calm animal, very docile. Very easy. People who have sensory integration kids who have sensory integration issues the easiest I believe is sheep. They have no resistance. You know, goats are are stubborn and and and sly. You put a a a fence and the goats are on top of the fence. They go on cliffs, especially mountain goats. But kvasim sheep, right? Even in you say a shefeleh. What's a shefeleh? It's easy going. Soft, nice. That's Rachel. Rachel had that that easy going person, a calm person, a relaxed person. Even the gematria Rachel is 238. It's the numerical value of two words vayehi or and there was light. Why? When Rachel came into the room you said, "Ah she's the light of the party, the life of the party, the light of the party." She was or, she was light. Yefat to'ar u'yefat mar'eh. Not just beautiful physically. The beauty was a spiritual beauty that radiated through her soul and through her body and through her face. That's Rachel. Anybody knows what the word Leah means in Hebrew? Yes, exhaustion. Who names their daughter exhaustion? What would your therapist say about that? Hi, my name is Leah. Wow. For all the Leahs who are here, welcome. [laughter] Back to Leah and all the other Leahs. Leah in Hebrew means le'ut. Le'ut is exhaustion. You have it in parshas Vayeira. Vayilu limtzo apasach. They they were too tired to find the door. They were blind. In in Shemot Vayilu Mitzrayim lishtot mayim min hayeor. The Egyptians were too tired to drink water. Everything was bloody. Nee lo ee nee lay see. Lay oot lay ah means tired, exhaustion. That's what you name a baby. It's true when you have a baby you're exhausted. True. For the next 95 years you're going to be exhausted. First you have to raise her, then you have to worry about her, then it's her friends, then it's high school, then it's seminary, and then it's a shidduch. Now you have to worry about her husband. And then you have to worry about her kids. Right? When do you go to sleep? No hundred and ninety six years you go to sleep. I got it. But do you have to really name the baby exhaustion? Is that the best thing to do? Of [snorts] course there's a profound depth here. And that is the Baal HaTanya writes Leah was exhausted from herself. Leah was a very deep soul. She was a very sensitive they call you right? What do they say? HSPs, highly sensitive people, empaths. There are dandelions and orchids. Whatever description you want to give, Leah's alma d'iskassya. Leah it says in Zohar was in touch with her subconscious. Whenever you're in touch with your subconscious, not just with your conscious, life is much much more complex. When they said Leah's Esau's shidduch and Yaakov is Rachel's shidduch, this wasn't a few people who didn't have what to do on WhatsApp so they started to spread news. There was a very profound message here. Leah felt this from heaven. Leah felt that this is her soulmate because who can understand Esau? Leah. And who can understand Yaakov? Rachel. Rachel and Yaakov, what do they call it? Two two peas what's two peas in a pod? Rachel and Yaakov were very similar to each other spiritually. And Leah and Esau were similar to each other spiritually. Esau struggled from the womb. Leah, her name means struggle. That was the close proximity of Leah to Esau. In fact, Leah can create a space for Esau. Because a relationship always comes first by understanding somebody. By being an empathetic witness. By not imposing my view on who you're supposed to be, but actually tuning into who you are. It's the only way magic in a relationship can develop. If I cannot really create space for the other person in which you can be without me right away saying, "But but but but [laughter and screaming] but but but." Leave the buts for now. We'll get to the butt. At the moment, I really want to tune in. It's what what's real validation means. And if you'll try it, you'll see validation has a magical quality to it. People don't realize it cuz many of us grew up without it. But if you can really really serve as an empathetic witness to somebody else's experience without judgment and without opinions, in many cases they will find the solution for what they have to do. You don't have to give solutions. People have inside of them very very deep divine mechanisms of healing. But the challenge is I usually right away feel like I have to delegitimize you in order to make you a mensch. [snorts] I was sitting with a friend of mine the other day. We went to visit a patient, a cancer patient who's ill. My friend is a very worked out person, a really a refined person. And the cancer patient tells my friend, I was sitting on the side and says, "You know, I have nothing left in my life. My body is broken. I'm penniless. I'm in pain. I don't know my future." [snorts] So my friend says, "But you have beautiful children. You have amazing children." Later we were talking about it afterwards, my friend tells me, "You know, I made a mistake. I made a mistake." And I didn't know this. I said, "Why?" I said, "You said something so beautiful. The person does have beautiful children." My friend said, and it was very profound. He was talking about how difficult his pain is. I needed to sit with him for a few minutes in that space. Hold space for it. It's true he has Do you think he doesn't know he has beautiful children? Do you think he's not thankful for his beautiful children? Hold space for it. It gives a person not just dignity. It also actually helps them reach wherever they have to reach. But it's hard for people to understand this. Not because it's hard to understand, but because nobody did this for me. So I Most people didn't get this for themselves, so it's very hard to do it for somebody else. Right? Like a teacher [snorts] once told me, I was talking to a teacher but he said, "You think somebody gave me empathy?" I'm like, "I got it. I'm not judging." But that's what we have to learn. We have to learn that. Leah could be there for Esau. She could bring out Esau's beauty. But there was a big difference between Esau and Leah. Esau used his struggles as an invitation for weakness. Esau said, "I'm struggling. I'm bad. Let me go down that path." Leah used her struggles as catalysts for incredible growth. Shem HaGedolah Leah. Leah was the great one it says in Medrash. Not just great that she was older. She had a godless an unbelievable godless greatness. In fact, kehuna comes from her. Leviya comes from her. Malchus comes from her. This was Leah. So Leah understood that she's Esau's soulmate. She understood it. But kee snu a Leah. Leah was hated says the Medrash. You know what it means Leah was hated? It means that she didn't like Esau's actions. So why do you say she was hated? The answer is cuz Leah and Esau in many ways mirror each other. In their souls, male and female, they have a very deep relationship. Esau understood that she's struggling with things inside of her life that can derail her, that she doesn't like. And yet instead of that, those parts that I don't like about myself becoming a source of anxiety and self-hatred, what if they can become a source and an invitation to understand my schlechus in life. Where I can take that part that I'm almost asking myself to hate. Cuz these are the no good parts and instead of loathing them and looking in the mirror and saying, "Why am I such a sick person? Why can't I be like my normal sister who makes everything look so easy?" Right? Or my neighbor already finished preparing for Shabbos last Wednesday for this Shabbos. Last Shabbos she finished two two years ago. Right? Et cetera et cetera. And I'm the only meshuggener in town. I'm like the last meshuggener in town, can't get anything together. But what if Leah can hold space for that and not say what's wrong with me, but what happened to me? And really be able to appreciate that that which she hates about Esau, which is herself, kee snu a Leah, is an invitation to understand her unique mission of transformation and sublimation. It turned Leah into a giant of a spirit. Ah. So now come back to the story and you'll see Anybody knows where I'm going? So now Yaakov gets married. He wants to marry Rachel. That's his shidduch, right? I love Rachel. I want to marry Rachel. But it ends up that he marries Leah. In the morning, va'yar baboker ve'hinei hee Leah. So he goes to Lavan and he says to Lavan, "Lamma reemee sonny?" Why did you deceive me? But the Medrash said, "But what did he tell Leah?" He told Leah first, "Why did you deceive me? You're a crook like your father." So Leah said, "We have a mentor. You're our teacher. You taught us how to do these things." Says the Kotsker Maggid in Avodas Yisrael on the Sfas Emes, Leah was not tormenting Yaakov. Leah was not even cutting down Yaakov. Leah was not even telling him, "Don't start up with me, Yaakov." "I'm a sharp smart woman." Leah was actually answering and explaining to Yaakov what happened. Leah says to Yaakov, "You asked me why I married you. Rachel is supposed to marry you. I'll explain to you, Yaakov. Many years ago, your father wanted to bless Esau. Those blessings belonged to Esau. But Esau was not ready to receive them. So who took them? You went and you took them for Esau. In other words, a part of you assumed now the role, the mission, the identity of Esau. That moment That moment you redefined your soulmate. That moment you redefined your shidduch. That moment you recreated your destiny in marriage as well. I belong to Esau. You are mentoring the sense what you your action redefined how history is developing. The Yaakov in you is going to marry Rachel. The Esau in you, that's me. And the key is you often can't marry Rachel in you until you don't marry Leah in you. You can't really make peace with Jacob in you until you don't make peace in Esau with you. Because if my relationship with Rachel is to be real and authentic and deep it has to work through everything. So I have to really learn about my own Leah, my own Esau to be able to truly learn and discover my own Jacob and my own Rachel. That's where the synthesis happens. So [snorts] when Leah answers this, she's not tormenting Jacob and saying like [laughter] Leah is defining to Jacob the essence of the relationship. And in fact, in fact Jacob throughout all this, a relationship with Leah really means learning a relationship with Esau. How do I know? Cuz 20 years later Jacob comes back to Esau. He thinks Esau is going to kill him. This time Esau kisses him. Something happened in between. Jacob's relationship with Leah was worked out. So when it says by morning and behold who he who he who he It's not a mistake. And behold who Leah The relationship of Esau was now taking on a different form. It's so true about life. Things we don't work through when we're young [snorts] they keep on coming up again and again and again. And each time there's an opportunity to repair. It's hard cuz we want to go back to the old place and just you know break it again. But it's really who Jacob and Esau had terrible tension. Jacob within himself needed to accept Esau. We once spoke about the fact that Rebecca told Jacob before he left Esau is angry at you but you're also angry at Esau. I choose a king of the previous year. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov says this. You're also angry with Esau. So when Jacob sees Leah who Leah, that's where the Midrash got this from. How did the Midrash know Leah said this? Leah said I'm supposed to marry Esau. When you said you're Esau, you weren't just lying to your father. You were cultivating that part. This is our relationship but it's a different type of relationship. It's a relationship where you have to be able to confront every wound and every insecurity and every trauma and be able to use it as a catalyst for growth. And this is a big avoid because usually when I see those wounds I want to run to China. I'm out of this relationship. [snorts] There's a safer called Mar Shemesh. It's a Hasidic work. Rabbi Elimelech of Lizhensk was a student of Rabbi Elimelech of Lizhensk. He says why did you deceive me? When Jacob said to Laban why did you deceive me? Deceive me means two things. Why did you deceive me? Deceive me also comes from the word what does deceive me mean? Trumah uplift Why did you deceive me? For what did you raise me up? Why did you raise me so high? On one level he was telling Laban you deceived me. He was also telling Laban you raised me up so high. Oh wow. It's not easy. When you're raised up so high it's a different type of life. You know if I'm if I'm I'm dumb and blind and deaf and clueless [laughter] you know a bull in a china shop It's not so hard to live like a bull in a china shop cuz you don't know that there's china. You just know that there's hey everything looks like hey. What do they say for somebody who's who's a hammer? The whole world is a bunch of nails. Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom Why did you deceive me? Leah was Esau. Leah had an unbelievable depth that she had to work out. Leah is the model of the Baal Teshuvah. Rachel is the model of the Tzadik and they become the two archetypes of the Jewish people. Because each one has an incredible advantage and ultimately each one of us is a hybrid of both depending on who we are when we're what aspect of life. And yet Laban said in our place we can't give the younger before the older. On one level he was stabbing Jacob. He was like another dagger. Leah put in the dagger and Laban twirled the dagger. You know the twirl, right? Et tu Brute? Then Caesar falls [snorts] like Jacob in your place, you know, the older one is usurped by the younger one. In our place we respect the elder. On one level it's a stab. [laughter] You took away your older brother's rights. We don't do that. Leah will not be usurped. But on a much deeper level [snorts] Laban which means whiteness the color that ultimately absorbs and is connected to all the colors says this switch that just happened to you is because you cannot get to the younger one before the older one. You cannot access Rachel if you bypass Leah. Sometimes we want to do what's called spiritual bypassing. You know what that is? I bypass. I'm never going to have a real relationship with Rachel if I can't have a real relationship with the Leah inside of me. It's the parts that exhaust me. It's the parts that I struggle with that really constitute some of my deepest callings, my deepest light, my deepest mission. When I can embrace it, appreciate it and utilize it, then I can embrace my full light, my Rachel in the most powerful way as well. So now it comes back full circle. And this is our last point and here you'll see how everything fits in. Whenever the Torah uses the same words by two stories it's basically copy paste. It's called Gzeirah Shavah. When Jacob meets Rachel it says he lifted up his voice and he wept. He lifted up his voice and he wept. He lifted up his voice and he wept. I always have to ask yourself was this expression used before? Was it used before? Very good. You don't have to look back and told us when Esau discovered that Jacob took his blessings he says father you only have one blessing. Bless me too. Bless me too my father. Bless me too. And Esau lifted up his voice and he wept. Exactly the same words. The sages knew this immediately. These tears are connected. Esau was crying because he felt something so deep was taken away from him. And he cries on two levels, consciously and subconsciously. Consciously he hates Jacob. Subconsciously he yearns for Jacob. He yearns for his soul. He's a son of Isaac. He's a son of Rebecca. He doesn't come from bad stock. Even his conflicting genes were holy. Like I said before, conflicting genes just meant that his runs through conflict. I always tell my students when the soldier came to Normandy June 6th, 1944 huh? I think. Huh? Anybody learned American history? Okay. Bais Yaakov girls, come on. June 6th, 1944 Normandy, right? The casualties were tremendous, the explosion, the chaos, the blood. But a a soldier who is hiding in a trench one of the trenches didn't look at himself and say I'm such a loser. I'm such a blemished, defected American. They sent me into this Gehenna to punish me. No soldier said that. The soldier said I was sent to defeat Hitler. Of course there's casualties. Of course there's conflict cuz I'm fighting Nazi Germany. I was chosen. I wasn't punished. I was chosen. When I have conflict in my life do I say I was punished? Or do I say I was sent. I was chosen. Esau's conflicting gene was a choice. He was chosen. That's what Leah understood. And Esau understood it subconsciously so he wept and he said Isaac I want the blessing. I want the blessing. And Isaac says one day you're going to get it but through Jacob. Jacob will Jacob's responsibility is not just to heal Jacob. It's to heal Esau. It's to sublimate the world. To fix the world. That's the ultimate goal and that's the ultimate and the synthesis of Jacob and Esau. For all the machine to be fixed and to fix the world and to fix the world like we say in prayers before we pray like we say in prayers before we pray like we say in prayers Jacob and Esau. Esau is a redhead. They called him only one more person is called Admoni in Tanakh, David Amalek. And when Shaul saw he was a redhead, the Gemara says, the Midrash says, Shaul said, "Oh my god, here's another Asav." So, the Tanakh continues, Yefeh Eynaim, he has beautiful eyes, David Amalek. They were both warriors. Zaken Midrash Sanhedrin and Zaken Midrash Sanhedrin. Asav was a wanton killer. David was a warrior as a servant, as a humble servant, according to Torah. But that energy, the the the the the passion of David Amalek was Asav's passion. And it says Shaul Amalek got scared. Ad- The only two people are called Admonis. You know, the passion, the the the the the the blood, the chiyus, the life. So, Asav is crying subconsciously for those brachas. So, now when Yaakov meets Rachel, it says the same thing, he was crying. So, Chazal understood right away, this is a continuum. So, what do they say? They don't just say he was emotional, they say two things. He saw that he won't be buried with Rachel. Who's he going to be buried with? Leah. The second thing he saw is he came empty-handed. Why? Cuz Asav is trying to kill him. So, he took away his money. So, the crying of Yaakov is essentially the continuation of Asav's tears. The struggle is so real, and we have not made peace with it. And that's why I'm hoping just to have Rachel, but it's not going to be so simple. He's going to be with Leah. Rachel is going to pass away early. Most of his life he's going to be with He's going to be buried with Leah. She had children with her more. And have more children with her. Most of Klal Yisrael will be built from Leah, including Shevet Yehudah, Malchus. And yet, Rachel Mevakesh Al Banav, Rachel is by Beis Lechem on the outskirts when the Jews left Yerushalayim in the galus. Until the promise that Rachel gets, "V'shavu banim l'gvulam." "Mini kolech mebechi, stop crying." Again, stop crying. Not just Rachel's tears, as her own emotions as a mother, it's also the collective tears of the pain in the world. And the second interpretation is Asav still wants to kill me for taking the blessings. Asav's struggles have taken him so down, so below, there's absolutely no understanding. Yaakov is now usurping Asav's blessing, and Asav wants to kill him. Those are real tears, real tears that are a continuation of Asav's tears, because ultimately ultimately, the vayifk of Asav continues in the vayifk of Yaakov. And the vayifk of Yaakov when he meets Rachel is the fact that now begins a process of very deep healing and introspection. But at the end of this process, what we learn is that the two sisters spiritually merge into one. The two brothers spiritually merge into one, because what we come to learn is that my goodness and my light and my challenges and my darkness are really all part of my holistic intimate relationship with the infinite love and oneness of Hashem, which sees each struggle and each conflict as an opportunity to be able to Asav Asui, to be able to do and complete your unique mission in this world. Have