Can I Ever Make Peace with Myself?

the yeshiva.net [Music] i want to learn with you today a few succumb of parishes but before let's remember the context of the narrative yakov has fled his home already at the end of parshas told us he left his home in beersheva in the holy land and he relocated to a place called kharan today they call it haran today it's in southern turkey on the border of turkey syria and iraq northern iraq where he remains with his father who with the man who would become his father-in-law also his uncle lovan for 20 years there he marries leia and marries rachel and billa and zilpah and most of his children are born over there by love on all of his 11 children including dina's daughter besides one and finally after 20 years in the home of love on yakiv together with rachel and leia decide it's time to leave and they leave yaakov is now moving with his entire entire entourage back to eretz israel where he came from back to the home where he grew up in the home of his parents it's at this point when vayishlach opens up yaakov decides to do something that is quite unique he decides to reach out to his brother 20 years they haven't had any contact as far as we know according to ghazal it's not only 20 years it's 34 years because we have a missing gap of 14 years in the history of yaakov which our sages explained he spent at the yeshiva of shayma navar and the way from his parents home so that would make it another 14 years of 34 years according to the homicide straight text it's certainly two decades he sends messengers to asev reaching out for camaraderie reconciliation peace as he puts it i came to find favor in your eyes the messengers come back and they say we arrived to you we came to your brother to asap he's actually advancing towards you with 400 men yaakov assumes these 400 men are not here to create a parade of honor for yaakov but this is a declaration of war and he's frightened says yaakov is is not just frightened by yakov he's his fear is excessive it's intense he's stressed and he devises a plan he prepares for war he prays to hashem and he also sends a very large lavish gift to his brother an enormous enormous quantity of livestock of animals that he sends with different messengers and different groups to appease or to try to create harmony between him and asaph that's how the story develops we all of course wait for the moment when they're going to meet that moment comes in gimmel chapter 33. yaakov lifts up his eyes this is page 97 in the blue hamas yakov lifts up his eyes and asap is there and there's 400 people the messengers were not exaggerating they were not lying there are 400 people coming yaakov splits up the family into different groups he goes in front of everybody and pay right gimmel pasek gimmel chapter 33 of genesis verse 3 for whoever left he passes before everybody he prostrates himself to the ground to the earth seven times which means he goes down once and then he'll go down another six times prostrating himself until he approaches his brother so there's a series of seven times bowing down each time getting closer to to his brother what are we supposed to expect now to happen yaakov was frightened of war that's why he devised all this plan all these plans of gifts and prayer and war what happens at this moment ace of licrosia asav departs from the 400 men runs towards the archive who's bowing down by you and he hugs him he falls on his neck by yeshua and he kisses him and they both weep he lifts up his eyes he sees the women the children he wants to know who all these people are he wants to know what all these gifts are he refuses to take them i have enough and impossible jacob says don't refuse i have found favor in your eyes take my gift seeing your face is like seeing the face of god and then possibly get out of here take my bracha rashi says it means my gift mean khasi take my broken my gift that i have brought to you and he begs him and asap takes it ace of offers to travel together with him yaakov says no let my master go ahead one day i'll arrive to your land sayer and that's the end of the story ace of offers to leave some people there yaakov says there's no need asap goes back home to sayer yaakov goes home to relocates to a place called sukhas that's the last time we'll ever hear of a conversation between yaakov and asov it's not that they're not mentioned again obviously they're mentioned again and later in the portion we're going to have yitzhak passing away and ace of enyakov are both there at the burial so they certainly meet up again at the funeral of yitzchak we don't know of a conversation then but this is the last encounter in terms of a conversation exchange between these two brothers now the student reading the story asks one question what happened did the messengers get it wrong did yakov underestimate his brother he was preparing for war he said this whole average gift something happened he bowed down and ace of ran over and instead of trying to kill him he hugs him he falls on his neck he kisses him he weeps now i know that in school you have learned different madrushim that he tried to bite his neck and he wanted to kill him there are different interpretations but the reason there are so many different interpretations is because the text says one clear story and the story is he runs to him he hugs him he falls on his neck he kisses him and they weep which arises the question what happened to the enmity of asap what happened to that master of asaf so some say therefore there is a hidden story rashi himself gives different interpretations right she says asap's compassion was just triggered when he saw yaakov bowing down rashi even says that there's an argument how to interpret the kiss of asaph says that at that moment it was as genuine as it gets he kissed him with his entire heart reading that text on that literal level following that thought process what happened was it just an impulsive thing perhaps aciv is a moody guy sometimes you want to kill somebody and sometimes you like somebody okay are there any clues in the story to what created this transformational shift of a state where you wanted to kill your own brother you vow to yourself that when your father dies you're going to kill this boy for what he has done to you your sibling yaakov expects nothing less and is frightened and praised hashem please help me i'm afraid that mothers and children will all be murdered on the same day when i confront my brother asaph to an absolute 180 degree turn where there's no remnant of hatred only kissing hugging and crying both of them crying together which we both know is a sign of profound vulnerability and reconciliation both of them kissing each other crying and embracing each other and ace of falling on his neck which means there was no distance no physical distance and no emotional distance at least at that time well there is more than a clue in the story because between ace of preparing for war praying to hashem sending a bribe or a gift doesn't say a bribe sending a gift to asaph and the actual meeting there is one more story that story was and always remains one of the most mysterious stories of the tanakh and i should say really all the stories in the tanakh have a mystical and mysterious dimension to them there's not a single story in turo that you finish reading it and you're like ah and they lived happily ever after you will not ever find such a story in the entire tanakh because these stories are not made to put you to sleep story that's made to put you to sleep it ends up on the rosy homey good feeling and sentimental they lived happily ever after these stories are intended to wake you up and stories that are intended to wake you up must have a very different ending than stories that are intended to put you or your children to sleep so let's see the story that goes that's placed strategically obviously in between the preparations the dread the drama and the actual meeting which is surprisingly so loving and beautiful and wholesome and for this i ask you to open up your homage to pariklam at base pasta cafe if you have the hebrew hamashim it's page 96 you could look with somebody or you could just listen by heart i'm specially reading it inside because the text is always important but we want to highlight a few special nuances and expressions in this text page 96 periclamin bays pasta cafe genesis 32 verse 25. let's remember the story yaakov sent all the gifts to asap all the animals were sent off with messengers he told them exactly what to say he wants them to create space between the groups and between the flock he wants this to be very impressive very enticing very appealing and night comes and yaakov sleeps over that night in the camp remember he has all of his children he has his wives he has all of his servants and of course enormous amount of animals jacob at that point was extremely wealthy and affluent as we learned at the end of he wakes up the middle of the night he takes his wife he takes his 11 children they they they pass a space called mavar maveriyabak a river you could go visit it today the jabok river i think they call it it's called here nagalyabug the river of yabba and everything he passes over the other side of the river remember he's on the way from iraq turkey into eretz israel coming from the east to the west he passes they are now on the other side of the river we would expect that yaakov is with them he crossed the river with them he helped everybody get over but apparently he went back even though the hummus doesn't say that but it does say there's a moment when yaakov remains alone and our sages understand everyone passed the river crossed the river together with the archive and then he went back the big question is why would he go back but the text doesn't address that yakov yakov remains alone we know that it's the middle of the night because it says in bali he stood up during the night so this is an experience in the middle of the night he's alone and a man wrestles with him until dawn breaks until the first rays of light show up on the horizon which are called al the time that's called allah don't confuse allah and hebrew there are two is dawn break and those of you who are early bird risers know that there is at least an hour difference bet usually between allah nate sahama it's a significant amount of time allah means the darkness is breached you can already experience the ray the rays the glimmer the remnants not the remnants the rays of light of the sun that will soon rise but you can't see the sun yet the sun has not risen enough yet nate tsakam as the actual ball of the sun has emerged on the horizon and therefore the brightness is far more intense till allah till dawn break till morning ascends shakha is mourning till morning ascends this battle continues one stops and asks wait he's with his family they crossed the river yaakov somehow is alone and a man wrestles with him till dawn breaks and he sees that he can't defeat him he can't get him and he touches his kafireh or he wounds or he maims or he touches kaffireka which is his sciatica his sciatic nerve that socket that nerve in in the hip and the thigh taker and the sciatica of yaakov is dislocated during this battle vayomir and he says shalheny send me away it's morning send me away isn't that a good reason to send me away it's morning i gotta go. i don't send you away until you bless me i need your blessing before i send you away but y'all murray loves he says what's your name so he says no no no yaakov should not be your name anymore came israel why kisaris because you you battled you battled with god and with people and you prevailed please tell me your name and he says me why do you ask such questions come on what do you ask me for my name is and he blesses him there end of the story all we know after that is yaakov gives this place a name it's called pineal because i saw god face to face and my soul was saved and then the sun has risen as he moves from penuel back to his family he got across the river again and we know that he's limping and possible and by the way jews will not touch that part of the animal's body until this very day because of what happened to yaakov we will not eat the gidhanasha it's non not kosher food end of story chapter 33 yaakov picks up his eyes and who does he see he sees his long lost brother ace of with four hundred men yaakov appears for this moment the moment he's been preparing for for all of these previous days he bows down and then that encounter of love happens it behooves us to conclude that this story in between has some powerful clue as to the encounter between yaakov and asaf but what is it the text of terror has so many layers it really has infinite layers and we understand why it has infinite layers if it's a divine document so god is infinite so the terror is infinite which is why the arizona says that every passage has six hundred thousand interpretations why six hundred thousand because just because every soul has its own interpretation of the pasek so even if you have heard 500 000 interpretations for aposic you've still got a hundred thousand to go and when we say apostate there's a passage and a mitzvah and a law and a story every detail there's the famous expression shiv empowerment terry has 70 faces which means even if you have explored 69 dimensions which is a little easier than hundred thousand you're still not done there's one more face one more angle a face is an angle of perspective and they're written in such a way that they lend themselves to so many different angles and perspectives and they don't compete against each other each one contains a truth and sometimes one contains a truth for one soul that is unique to this soul and another soul may see it in a different way in a different perspective here are the clues the clues always con are contained in the questions a few questions question number one by remained alone what does a loan mean what would you say what does a loan mean in english simple english we have the word levad and bereishis lovato what does lovato mean alone it's not good for a person to be alone therefore hashem says let me create krav let me create asia connector a spouse for him a help for him lavad means alone yaakov i would say means yaakov remains alone a moment later you say vaye avec is someone battled him till dawn break i thought he was alone oh so he wasn't alone there were two people somebody was hiding in the closet so he wasn't alone he thought he was alone is that how we have to say it it says he sees he can't get him who how do you give me such a pronoun without identifying vaiyarhu yaakov ish tell me who you give me a verse he sees he can't get him who sees he can't get who does yaakov see that the ish can't get him or does the ish see that yaakov can't get him i don't know next vayiga bakafireha he touches his sciatica who okay oh now i have a name it's yakovs so as i'm reading the verse i don't know who's doing what i don't know who sees that he can't be defeated i don't know who touches whom at the end it says if sciatica was affected i'm expecting you gave me a name now i'll figure out the story vayumer and he says send me who who again we have our pronouns tell me who said who figure it out he said send me away why because it's morning and he said who i don't know i guess the other guy but who's the first guy i'm not sending you away kimber until you bless me what bless me you came to battle me you wanted to kill me you couldn't kill me so you decided to maim me and dislocate me so i shouldn't be able to walk straight for the rest of my life i should walk with a limp now i say to you if it's me saying it to you maybe it's you saying it to me i don't know but if it's me saying it to you i'm saying i'm not going to send you away until you bless me well if a gangster attacks somebody in a dark alley in the middle of the night either you punch them in the nose you run away you call 9-1-1 the last thing you do is ask for a bracha i will not send you away until you bless me and again i don't even know who said this to who next possibly love and he says to him and you stand you've got to know who's speaking to who mash mecca what's your name want to say i asked you for a blessing so give me a blessing no no no no first i got to know who you are you don't know who i am so you came to attack me in the middle of the night without knowing who i am what's going on so you don't know who i am you didn't know my name really you did not know my name you asking me for my name after you tried to kill me after you made me after you wounded me and it besides we're not talking about names i asked you for a blessing via and he says oh so now i figure out it was the ish the man who asked yaakov what's your name so he said yaakov but till the answer we don't know who's speaking to whom just like we didn't know who wounded whom until it said yaakov was wounded he finally speaks up and says oh you told me your name and you wanted a barakah i'll tell you what we got to do we have to change your name really you come to attack me you want to kill me you wound me i tell you i want your blessing you ask me for my name and then you say it's time to change your name yaakov is not your name for you it has to be israel you know why because you battled with god and with men and you prevailed now yaakov does what we all do and what's your name right after you asked me for my name i said and what's your name and you say your name and this guy says lamazati what do you ask that stupid questions i don't understand you ask me what's my name is legitimate i tell you my name and then you change my name you have the to change my name then i ask you what's your name and here is the only time we know who asked whom in pasak lamid it says vayish al-yakaif every other verse you got to guess who is addressing whom here finally it gives me a name and by the way the name that was just changed the name that was just changed your name is not yakube name which is the old name says what's your name and this fellow says it's none of your business or actually why are you asking such a question as though names are completely insignificant when you just decided that i have to go through a name change but you will not share with me your name because why would you ask my name at the end finally we're done okay and here's a blessing here is a blessing and all yaakov can say about this scene is that he saw god face to face alpana and the sun finally has risen but he's limping according to some interpretations the gomorrah brings him a sec to cool and says the son has risen for him specifically for him and it had the healing ability of helping him walk straight again even though the text is not clear about this there's a famous expression of the ramban nahmanadis who lived in spain in the 13th century and he writes in bereishis belgium it's a very powerful statement it means that the torah addresses the torah addresses the physical reality but it alludes to the higher reality which means that every story has the surface of the story the story the way it's from the surface perspective but there's also a higher plane of interpretation there was another great halachic authority and great kabbalist a few centuries later he lived in italy in phanu italy his name was rabbe no menachem azaria of whanau he's known in jewish history as the rame panu rabbenu menachem azaya of pano alfano italy he authored many works one of them is called asarama maurice the ten utterances very profound work in jewish jewish teachings ethics spirituality kabbalah musava and he says there i quote he reverses the terminology of the ramban the ramban says the torah is addressing the physical reality and it's alluding to the spiritual reality and the remember says no the terror is actually addressing the spiritual reality in other words every story is really a spiritual story every story is a symbolic it's allegorical it's metaphoric it's representing a spiritual idea but it alludes to it hints it intimates right mesos to the physical story now the rama does not mean that the stories did not happen khalil the gemara says we always interpret the sukkam first and foremost literally but he's saying you should understand that that's an additional layer an additional level it's actually primarily addressing the spiritual story are there amban and there are arguing perhaps they're not arguing perhaps they're speaking from different perspectives perhaps they're wearing different glasses different prescriptions and you can look at a story and you say this is really a spiritual story you can look at the story and say this is a physical story that alludes to a spiritual story i am going to address this story on two different levels elionem and tachteinem and i'm going to paraphrase the words of the rame but a little bit with a different twist and i'm going to say hatara medabarius bellioinem the torah is addressing elyonem including yaakov avinu who was an elion yaakov is one of our patriarchs just as leia rachel sarah and rifke as our matriarchs were people as the madrid puts it meaning they were people who were profoundly in tuned and aligned with their own divine essence and with the divine core of existence which means there's a certain awe and reverence and respect that one must employ when they learn about all of these characters because you're not sometimes i hear people giving explanations on hummer stories that are interesting but they're almost projections of their own trauma and i appreciate that people have to heal from their own trouble we all have to and it's very good to find inspiration tale for that trauma but there's also a certain amount of awe and respect that is necessary to appreciate the fact that there may be an angle here that's justified there may be a perspective here that is very useful but it may not be the full story and this probably and not probably certainly much much more i want to address the story on these two levels on the level of elianem and on the level of or to put it differently i want to address the story from my experience or from our experience in other words i'm using the story as a model as a metaphor for our own experiences right here but and our experiences in life are complex complicated sometimes filled with challenges and turbulence and toxicity but i want to address the story from that perspective and i know that it's bringing it down to a place of and perhaps as the rama says it's only a remas it's only a hint but it's a hint that becomes extremely insightful and illuminating for life following that by hashem i want to address it from a higher place from an alianin place or maybe to address it from a place that's more descriptive of yaakov avinu himself and his relationship with asev so in the first explanation i'm using the story yakovino the way it mirrors our lives that's why i call it and then i want to address it more from yaakov avinu's life himself the way it's revealed to us in our sacred sources of throughout all of throughout all of the generations first we're going to do a little numerology just to put in another ingredient as we uh prepare the delicacies numerology okay let's take the name yitzhak he is the father of yaakov and asaf yitzhak is ud is ten every hebrew letter is also a number yud is ten and saddak is ninety and hess is eight and kuf is one hundred together that makes 208 right koff is a hundred sadiq and yud is another hundred ninety and ten plus has eight two hundred and eight two hundred and eight is a significant number it makes up eight times the name of hashem the name of hashem is yud and hey and vav and hey you this ten don't shut down on me it's going to be clear ut is ten i know my customers yud is ten hey is five vote is six hey is five and if you listen it's going to be a rewarding experience i promise you but hashem your is ten hey is five over six a is five five and ten five 10 and 5 of course is 15 and 6 and 5 is 11 15 and 11 is 26. how much is 8 times 26 208. did you really figure that out okay i was looking for the math experts here okay good very good if you don't believe me you can believe her if you don't believe her you could check your calculator eight times 26 is 208 okay so yitzchak is eight times the name of hashem okay granted what am i supposed to do with that information information now i look at yitzhak sun it's look 180 182. 182 versus 208 is what missing 26 meaning yaakov is seven times hashem's name wow so something happened there from yitzhak the yakov one of those units of 26 of god's name got lost well yaakov was a successor of yitzhak yaakov is the third patriarch yaakov is the inheritor the inheritor of yitzchak yaakov is the one who continues the monotheistic abrahamic revolution of avraham and yitzhak yakov is called the bachelor of the madrid says the choicest of the others of the forefathers but the hawaiian utkevka gets degraded from eight to seven what happened to it so we go searching we go searching and where do we search we search in the family we search in other offspring so we go to asuf well ace of is really three hundred and seventy six ace of his iron and sin and i in a seventy sin is three hundred and verve is six so it's 376. so it's way above yaakov way above yitzhak what is 376. well 376. turns out to be a very interesting number because let's take the word tummy the word tame is tes mem alef tess is nine members 40 aleph is one that's 49 plus one which is 50. how much is seven times tommy how much is seven times fifty three hundred and fifty but a sub is 376 so what do we have so we have seven times tame and hashem's name ooh so the eighth the eighth time of hashem's name that was indicated in yitzhak's name seven of them went to yaakov and one somehow went to asov but asap has something else seven times the word tami plus one time the name yut kevke so let's summarize yitzhak has eight times the name of hashem yaakov has seven times the name of asha asav has seven times the word tame but one time the name of hashem just keep this as an exhibit which uh please in your minds rashad we will get back to it i go now to the nym and i'm going to describe a story of many of our lives or some of our lives i'm going to use the terra as a paradigm and a mirror for that story at least as a martial if we use the archive as a metaphor for our own lives and every story is a reflection of our own lives that's the point of the stories the zohar says torah comes from the word a lesson a teaching it's not just history every story is a lesson for life if it's not a lesson it wouldn't be written because we don't know so many stories of the characters of the hebrew bible we know very few stories only those stories that constitute vital and indispensable lessons to life and we look at a profile that emerges and again i'm i'm saying disclaimer numerous times because i don't want my words to be misconstrued i'm using these stories and applying them as mirrors for human struggles and many human experiences when we look at yaakov's life and we paint a picture from our perspective we see a pattern the pattern is so powerful because it's the only way we can justify the name yaakov the first thing we know about him is he's in a womb with his brother and as they both emerge yaakov comes out holding on to the heel of his brother now if that happened in your family what would everybody say the nurses would say so cute today there would probably be a picture it would go on what's up to the whole family this cute little little pizza infant whose mama just just breathed his own and just emerged to a new world but somehow he was clinching on with that little cute angelic hand the heel of ace but somehow in that family this wasn't just cute this became his name it's like whoa this is your name so when he's growing up and everyone says oh yaakov that's an interesting name what does it mean oh it means a heel wow that's a very interesting name for parents to give their child a heel yaakov a heel why did they name you a heel sorry for my brooklyn accent why did they name you a heel oh because i was holding on to my brother's heel oh it's not even your own no it's my brother's heel interesting this is my name this is my identity i hold on to your heel i hold on to my brother's heel it's almost as rashy says don't go out before me i gotta go out before you don't go out before me i'm like mama's almost stopping him consciously or subconsciously or instinctively or the body holds the score somehow the body knows to hold on to that heel if we have doubts about it the story moves on and asap comes home one day from the field and he's starving and he's thirsty and he's agitated and he's exhausted and yaakov happens to be a great chef and he sees the food and he asks yakov for a little bit of lentil or lenten soup or lasagna or or pizza or sushi or whatever the comparison you want to give and jacob looks at him and says i need your birthright i asked you for sushi i need your birth right really yeah and asap says i'm dying anyway i don't need my breath take my prayer i need it's almost like yaakov once again is holding onto the heel you went out ahead of me then but i really need your birth right i got to be the oldest in this family and if we doubt this pattern there's only one more story we know about these two brothers there's only three stories we know about them the first two i mentioned what's the third one third one is yitzhak is getting old and he calls an asap and he says go bring me food make them make them prepare the food like i love my soul loves so i can bless you before i die and what happens and rifka persuades yakov to go devise an entire plan where he now dresses up like asaf brings the food that his mother prepared goes into it says who are you my son and he says three words first he held onto his heel then he took the birthright and now he says at last i am him i'm ace of your oldest son he wants to feel him and he feels he feels the close of asap he says so clearly hakko kolyakov i'm feeling i'm touching the hands of asa and he gives them these grand famous blessings of ours those are the three only vignettes the only three stories we know about yaakov and asim and their relationship and the next scene it's one of the most emotional scenes in all of tyra no question ace of walks in walks in with the food confident excited enthusiastic cheerful let my father stand up and enjoy my delicacies that i just hunted so i can get a blessing and yitzhak is overtaken by a violent sense of trembling who is the one who went to hunt brought the food and i blessed him before you ever came and when asap hears this kismaya he breaks out in a thunderous cry he lifts up his voice and he weeps and says please bless me too and yitzhak says your brother came deceitfully he took your blessing and asap turns to his father and says that's why you call them yakreva that's why you call them he has outsmarted me manipulated me twice he took my birthright and now he took my blessing and of course it's the same word with one letter difference one with the letter the order of the letter swapped that's why you call them yakov yaakov means a heel yakov also means outsmarting someone la akov like cutting somebody off new york style on the highway you get ahead of them you're behind but suddenly you you you you seized a weak moment they weren't looking boob you're in the front but that's just on the highway then you have it in life viace he has done this he squirreled me out he outsmarted me manipulated me this was sly he did this twice to me asap of course doesn't remember what happened in the womb only yitzhak and rivka know about that one and the people standing there he was too young but that's why he was called yaakov you guys really had a you really had an instinct a vision of this boy and he cries and he says but you promised me abraha yitzchak blesses asaf but not without the terror concluding the story aesop developed a hate vaistrim an animosity to yaakov and he said in his own heart he said i will wait till my father passes the higher and then i will kill my brother he desires revenge or he feels he can't live in the same world like his brother with the danger of stripping the story from some of its aloof and sublime sanctity i want to go to the realm of which is certainly at least alluded to in the story as the rama and ask ourselves to think of these profiles these stories these depictions in the lives of human beings what is the pattern that is developed here what is the simple concrete but psychological and profound pattern being developed here we have her almost a reflection of a story of a person who simply cannot really embrace themselves they could never truly be comfortable with their own identity at every stage of the game there's something in you that i need somehow i feel incomplete if i cannot have what you have there is something in you that i need and ultimately translates into that deep yearning of being you if i can only be you whether it's a brother to a brother whether it's a brother to a sister whether it's the complexities in the world of psychology between children's and parents freud's complexes and libido complexes whether it's crushes that people have on other people as teenagers or later in life whether it's deep conditions that people carry in their hearts i look at somebody else's life maybe a brother maybe a sister maybe a cousin maybe a friend maybe even a spouse maybe a relative or maybe a stranger and somehow you represent to me the dream of what i would love to be uh richard nixon during the watergate scandal would have been impeached and he resigned his secretary of state was a jewish young man today he's not so young anymore he's only 96. his name is henry kissinger remember henry kissinger he's still around henry kissinger who's a is a german jew a secular german jew smart fellow aydah cup whether you like this politics or not and he describes the night before nixon resigned not last night in the office and nixon and kissinger left the white house in the middle of the night and richard nixon stopped at a portrait of kennedy john kennedy president kennedy nixon and kennedy were rivals for many many years bitter rivals and nixon starts speaking to the portrait as though kennedy was even though kennedy was shot 10 years earlier but he spoke to kennedy as though he was living and kissinger is watching this and he says john why is it that the american people love you and hate me because everybody loved kennedy for whatever reason camelot kennedy family untouchable nixon's the nix nixon wasn't very popular why is it that they love you and they hate me he says john i'll tell you why when they see you they see what they would like to be when they see me they see what they are profound commentary in life do i feel if only i had this person's looks this person's money this person's mouth this person's brain this person's family this person's marriage this person's car this person's personality demeanor persona characteristics if only i had all those blessings and characteristics my life would then be a blessing if only i didn't have to endure this type of mother this type of father this type of teacher this type of sibling this type of community this type of personality challenge my height the color of my eyes the color of my hair my dealings with weights my my d not weights my struggle with weight my struggle with this addiction we compare ourselves i look at you i look at your house i look at this person's physique i look at this person's personality first i want to go out ahead of you then i need your birthright and then i need your blessings and i could walk around the world in a game called the blame game meaning if only i did not experience these circumstances when i was five when i was 10 when i was 20 i would be such a success story i would be such a happy person my life would be so full of bliss but what should i do i didn't have those brains or i didn't have that capacity or i didn't have that prowess so i didn't have this opportunity especially if negativity came yet into my life and sometimes i can walk the face of this planet always with those stories with those voices in my head this brother asaph who is somehow the object of my envy whom i want to be in fact you know why they call him asaf the word asap comes from the word anybody knows he was complete he came out and he was like wow this kid got it kule kader is seya he was like almost mature and you took out the special liking face of he was a mache he was a successful fellow he was out in the field he was street smart asap was no pushover yitzchuk just likes this kid also he's like he got it he's made it literally the word made it is the english for the word asaf he made it and then i look at me and sometimes i'm trying to compensate my whole life for that i asked once a friend i said why do you work so hard in your business you work so hard you spend 18 hours a day in the office and after years of working on himself he told me something i'll never forget he says i never felt valued i never felt liked i never felt that i have really any significance so i'm gonna force all those people in the office to acknowledge how valuable i am i'm gonna force it which means now this is this is quite this is self-awareness of a high level sometimes a person could be working hard their entire life not even pursuing who they are and what they want to be but simply trying to force to force upon the reality something that will help them fill their void distract them from their pain it may be they're working day and night to get some type of validation to fill and ease that enormous void and pain and they don't even know it which means their entire life is about escapism i never go back to my wound i just cover it up and i try to distract myself from it and create false substitutes that i hope will make me stop feeling my wound but of course only intensify it two things happen as a result of this number one you could never have a real relationship with yourself you're always in a fantasy relationship with somebody else number two the other person can't really deal with you such a person also cannot look themselves in the eyes they can't look anybody else in the eyes because i could never ever really be me i always have to have a mask i always have to masquerade myself i can't walk in this world tall confident self-contained wholesome i'm always hiding because my natural self is the stuff of disgust my natural self i loathe that always has to be in hiding i must always dress up physically and even more emotionally the picture of dorian gray for those who remember that story i will always dress up i cannot walk with the inner sense of pride and dignity because that self i have to hide i have to bury very profoundly the anxiety this creates i can't even tell you those sitting in this room who don't understand what i'm talking about or feel what i'm talking about you don't have to raise your hands but you know what i'm talking about those who are dismissive of my words because they don't relate to you at all and you don't even understand what i'm saying i would ask of you to think about this when you're alone in a very honest way and those who really don't relate to it great you could leave tava there comes a point in my life where i have to confront this if i'm to ever emerge and i take you back to our story here and again i'm using this story but in him as a reflection of human life and i ask you to answer this question if i start off a scene in a story you are alone you are alone you are alone in this tent i know you're not but theoretically you are alone in this tender you're alone in your home alone alone alone and a person wrestles with you until dawn break what am i trying to tell you huh that you're crazy one interpretation but assuming you're not completely crazy give me another interpretation very well it's the most sophisticated and powerful way of saying of course you're alone the person you're struggling with is yourself you're alone but you're alone with so much going on in you you're not alone with one person you're alone with so many people isn't that your tragedy and at last in the middle of the night only in the middle of the night only in the middle of the night will this happen it will never happen in the middle of the day in the middle of the night you're alone but of course you're not alone there's somebody battling and he sees that he can't defeat you tell me who no it doesn't make a difference it's all inside of you i don't care if it's he or he or he or she or he or she it's all inside of you and he wounds your sciatica who i don't care who told one person but yaakov's sciatica gets dislocated suddenly there's one man here yaakov is wounded and he says send me away it's morning who i don't care it's irrelevant it's you send me away send me away stop holding on to me and he says not this time i've been sending you away every night i've been sending you away that's why i've been binging that's why i eat potato chips and cookies that's why i drink that's why i gamble that's why i'm always with my phone surfing the web that's why i have another thousand addictions i've always been sending you away that's my motus apparently distractions distractions distractions distractions i cook i eat i cretch i read but i'm running i'm not sending you away kimber tony until you bless me you bless me yeah yeah you see i never got a blessing from you i forced my brother to bless me i forced my father to bless me i forced the world to bless me there was only one person who never blessed me me i never blessed me everybody loves me i force them to love me i have great masks i'm very talented and trust me i have learned how to do it well i have perfected my skill i know where to go i we're not i know where not to go i know how to dress in which circles i know what to say to whom i even became a good schmoozer winston churchill said in the middle of the second world war in a time of war truth is so precious it has to be protected by bodyguards of lies well i have perfected that skill because for me it's always a time of war when you look at me and you're talking to me you're never talking to me because i don't talk to myself you don't talk to me i don't let anybody go to those places because i am not allowed to go to those places there is too much shame there is too much trauma there is too much pain i don't go there and i will not let you go there i have sealed that lid four scores ago yeah yeah this is me this is me me me my name is jacob's son so it's a little connected to yakov i don't go there i have sealed that lid what did lincoln say in the goddess burger dress how many scores ago four scores ago right four scores ago four scores and seven years ago four scores ago i have sealed the lid or in some cases it's two scores ago or one score ago or three scores ago i don't go there and you certainly don't go there there's only one person who never blessed me and that's me via murray lovey says to him what's your name who says to who i don't care it's you what's your name and he says my name is yaakov he says that's your name don't you think you need to discover another identity in you a name is very deep i know myself through my name but in order to change my name it means i have to know myself in a way that precedes my name that transcends my name do you only know yourself through your name or can you actually change your name because your name doesn't own you you own your name so many of us speak to ourselves via our name and i don't only mean the name i mean the name insurance of the the the stories you tell yourself the identity you you check your somebody once told me in the morning he googles his name to see how many times google has him mentioned on the internet so i check up my high school yearbook to figure out who i am i know myself some people know themselves from the pictures they post on social media that's how they know themselves it's a very pitiful way of knowing yourself it's the greatest level of ignorance it's one of the most it's i have very compassion a lot of compassion people who live their lives their prime of their lives they live on social media constantly posting about themselves and their pictures it's like almost i have to look at what you say to know who i am and what i'm feeling how could you ever have a relationship with such a person it's like i wanna i wanna run away from you especially if i'm the person you're trying to emulate it's like get out of here i i want to kill you of course i want to kill you i can't live in your presence you don't allow me to live in my presence it's back to the koski rebbe's famous line you want me to do it if i am i because you are you and you are you because i am i then i am not i and you are not you but if i am i because of i am i and you are you because you are you then i am i and you are you he was saying something very profound if i am i because you are you and you are you because i am i in other words there's no i and there's no you your entire you as a response to my eye my entire eye is a response to my you can you know yourself beyond your name sometimes i only know myself through my name my physical name my reputation my standing in the community this is my resume i have a stell i'm this cat you know people have names names are meant for other people never for yourself you never know yourself through your name names are used for others but names are only used for others if i have an i if i don't have an eye i only use my name to know myself and i really start believing it and some people start actually believing it they take themselves so seriously through their name they can't even laugh at themselves anymore and the worst thing happens when i start using religion to justify my masks and my camouflages because now i take god and i turn them into the ultimate cover-up i always thought god was meant to help you expose reality but sometimes god helps me cover reality even more for example some people will use religion as a justification never to be vulnerable and honest it becomes like my emotions i don't have emotions this is what god says it's a great crutch and thus it becomes almost a cover-up that's etched it's etched into your psyche for eternity because you're employing the power of infinity to justify it he looks at him and says you want your blessing you need to change your name you can't be yakov anymore you need a different name yaakov means to outsmart israel is two words yashar kale what does yashar mean yeshua means straight hating yourself stop loading yourself stop blaming yourself stop being so afraid of your inner experiences of your inner weaknesses be a master of your life yaakov also means a heel and you stroll stands for two words lee royce my head or sar kale saris a prince a leader like a minister rashi himself says israel means that the blessings will not be given to you through deception they will be given to you through shrara through aristocracy through royalty through exposure schroeder begins upon him is what this man was telling him according to this interpretation this inner man you have prevailed with god and with men you have fought with god and men and you have prevailed don't run from every fight including don't run from your own fight don't be afraid to look at yourself don't be afraid to see all of those emotions to see the trauma to see the toxicity to hear those voices that make you duck that turn you into a little squirrel that you always feel like a squirrel that you have to squirrel your way through life i have nothing against squirrel squirrels squirrels i just watch them sometimes in the morning on my porch and i say i don't want to live like that i run and then i see you and i run again i run again and they're very clever now they're doing what they're supposed to do i don't want to be that person yasha i want to look you in the eyes i want to look everybody in the eyes most importantly i want to look myself in the eyes i want to be able to look at the mirror and not have to blink emotionally i want to be able to look at god in the eyes and god is the substitute word for truth i want to be able to look truth in the eyes people speak about ilamha ms when a person dies they go to ilama emma's the world of truth where is that world we say when yaakov came in to yitzhak the ghanaian walked in with him says every person walks around with their oil um around them for one person it's going to aid in for another person it's gahannam allah doesn't start in alamha but starts without cover-ups that's it i don't live in oyaloma emma's there i live in illinois emma's here or in every person walks around he says in your dollar amis in the four cubits around you the six feet around you there is either ghanaidn or gehenna that's why you'll see some people you're in their presence and there's a halo around them you can feel it you know what i'm talking about there's a halo of light and sometimes there's a halo that makes you awkward and uncomfortable you don't even know what it is they may not know what it is there was a yeshiva and he once he was living in yeshiva and he once went to visit he went for a private audience with the lobov in uh on 770 eastern park where in brooklyn new york was a night of yehidus he would see hundreds of people and he goes into his room and the rebbe asked him a question about his life he was a teenager and he answered and labavich rebel looked at him and i find this to be a very affectionate response i have to tell you and he tells this yeshiva he says dee dallad amis from s these are four qubits of truth here if you want to have a conversation here go out remove your garments of lies and when you're ready to dawn garments of truth come back in and we'll continue the conversation and that was the end that was the end of the encounter sometimes the most powerful and healthiest thing you could tell somebody who's ready to hear it sometimes a person is not ready to hear it so where is this oil mohammed it's right here i create my own future world in the future world i can't cover up anymore but that world is right here today am i operating on a level of integrity authenticity truth ms or am i busy manipulating and exploiting the gansevelt and most importantly myself and as somebody once said the abrasive nightmarish top developed nightmarish top menards visit nire you'll never fool god you won't even fool the world the only one you fool is yourself so what's the big deal that a fool deceived a fool this comes from a man named shmuel maharashtra it's a good line to live with god you're not going to fall ever the world you'll fool them somewhere they say some of the people talking about lincoln some of the people some of the time all the time all the people some of the time at some point you're not going to fool the world either you know bernie madoff's panzer schemes last for years but at some time at some point it ruptures the balloon pops but myself i could fool and that's why we drink and that only mean alcohol everyone drinks in their own way it's called inebriation intoxication addiction distractions what is it i'm busy fooling myself and maintaining the lie what's the big deal that a fool deceives a fool you get the nobel prize for a fool deceiving a fool now yaakov turns to him and says what's your name yaakov turns them and says what's your name and all he says is why are you asking this is always what happens at the end of the story it's one of the most powerful moments yaakov the one who had the old name whose name just got changed turns to him and says what is your name who is he speaking to we know who he's speaking to he's speaking to himself what is your name and he says why are you asking i just told you what your name is i just told you what my name is israel but you're still doubting it you still can't accept it that's how deep the trauma is in people's lives i will always fall back on it i will always say really i could never really trust i am so traumatized that even when i'm aware of it even when i go through work and transformation even when i can observe the voices of trauma that are trying to put me in to a cocoon of self-hate and deception i don't trust it and when the voice of trauma comes back i almost run into its embrace like the battered woman's syndrome because that is the familiar life that i'm so used to so after everything yaakov speaks up again and says what's your name i can't be called you sir all not me i'm not a prince i'm not free i'm not a happy person i'm the one who's supposed to be miserable i'm the one who's supposed to catch i mean that's almost on my tombstone it's it's my destiny i'm the one who's supposed to be in hiding my whole life i'm supposed to be the one who was comforted with the fact that my life is miserable in this world so in the next world i'm going to be happy i made peace with my misery with my dysfunction the only thing that's worse than dysfunction is making peace with this function the only thing that's worse than abuse is embracing it as your own believing you deserve it believing that it defines you believing that this is who you are the voice of yisrael is the inner voice that transcends my name it's the voice of freedom it's the voice of yahshua kale i can walk straight because i'm with god it's the voice of sarcale it's the voice of lee rush it's the voice that you are a manifestation of god's light in this world how could you be embarrassed so many people i told this to you i think last year two years ago so many people they don't fear their inadequacy sometimes they equally fear their greatness it's almost too good to be true it's like i almost can't believe that i can be happy i can be successful i can have a great marriage i can come home at night or in the morning and feel blessed to be in such a relationship i can have an awesome relationship with my children i can have a great relationship with god it's almost too good to be true that's for the novels it's not for life in life you have to fetch and be hacked and despondent and convexing and i'm almost i i died i almost died i'm about to die and it's almost like if i have a good day what is god planning for tomorrow it's it's too good to them no no this is bad news this is bad news it's like almost a relationship with self-abuse god loves you would you look at your daughter and she comes home from school happy and you're like she's too happy today what can i do to torture her so that tomorrow she could be miserable is that what any mother thinks so why do people accuse god of thinking this way i never get it like just treat hashem as you treat as you relate to your own daughter not more not less it's like i'm having a good day well bad days are coming sometimes you fear your greatness change your name you're not a heel you're not an akiv you're a rush you're not a heel you're a head you're a sire you're a free person this is not about arrogance it's about humility you're the manifestation of god's infinite light and love in this world that is who you are are there other voices in me of course there are other voices there are other voices who say i always have to have your life i need you i need your richness your talent your success your looks your brilliance your marriage your circumstances your family i always need that because me me forget about and i reinforce it through my life maybe for so many years and at the end i say what is your name and he says why are you asking my name i told you you're going to either accept it or forever cause yourself this agony and finally he blesses him and all yaakov could say is i saw god face to face and my soul was rescued for the first time i could look at god face to face and look at god face to face means of course look at yourself face to face god is reality look at reality face to face i don't have to turn i don't have to uh create a burrow like a groundhog and hide you ever see those groundhogs with their burrows that they excavate it's pretty cool stuff but you don't have to live there fatinotsel my soul was extricated and the sun comes up and yaakov discovers the difference between pre-israel and post-israel is have i been limping or not what does it mean to limp and i don't mean physically we know what i mean i'm talking about emotionally there could be a person who lives but they're not limping emotionally or the other way when i limp my limbs are all there but my stature is not erect what does spiritual limping mean spiritual limping means i'm always forever what's the words i could never stand tall ever i could never face anybody with my full dignity with my full presence because my presence in my mind is somehow very evil or very embarrassing and therefore i always have to duck i always have to bend down i can't approach life with my full stature i could never have a conversation with full presence i'm always thinking way ahead how do i impress how do i please how do i not come across confrontationally ever do this how do i make sure my my words come out this way how do i dis how do i that how do i make sure he doesn't get upset he doesn't get upset your poor head what goes on in that poor brain rather than stop limping stand tall stand straight and let me have a piece of you what's the next scene the next scene is ace of appears and he doesn't see yaakov he sees israel the moment he sees israel asap runs over he hugs him he kisses him they both weep jakov can even prostrate himself seven times he respects himself enough that he can truly respect somebody else when you respect enough when you respect yourself enough you could really respect somebody else because it doesn't take away from your respect if i can't respect me respecting you can almost be like i'm losing my energy i'm like what are they going to think what are they going to feel i'm surrendering the surrendered wife the powerless wife the rhythm it's like it's too much i can't respect you it's like what about my ego i'm so insecure that i have to protect my ego with so many lies when you really respect yourself not in an arrogant way in a godly way you can really respect somebody else like truly respect you can respect them wholeheartedly you could respect them for who they are because you respect you for who you are and you know that in the world of divine truth there's no competitiveness between who you are and who i am that competitiveness only comes from delusional perceptions that put a blockage between me and truth in the real world of truth there is that perfect respect for you because there is that perfect and deep respect for me once yaakov accepts yaakov you know what else happens asaf accepts yaakov as long as yakov doesn't ex accept yakov as long as yaakov can't embrace yaakov as long as yakov can be israel aesop is threatened he's overwhelmed it's toxic i'm talking about me remember we're dealing with the story on a level of tachtonem i told you we're going to have to get to all your we're not going to have time this week we'll have to get to the number mazel tov after you internalize this i'm going to go to the next okay after you tell me you went through a name change then we'll go to the next level i don't mean you i mean whatever i mean the universe [Laughter] when yaakov really embraces yaakov embraces yaakov and asaf can also embrace himself he could see himself in a greater way he doesn't have to see himself as trying to get rid of yaakov because yaakov is not taking his energy yaakov is yakov such an interesting brother it's like almost you look at the sibling and say wow you're such an interesting person i never saw you as a separate person i see it so often in marriages the marriages get so entangled and this sometimes toxic you don't see your spouse as an interesting person anymore all you see them is as as a powerful force that is always affecting your life in one way or another sometimes as a migraine headache sometimes as something much worse and sometimes a benevolent headache and sometimes a little better but it's like even if even in the good times it's almost like i'm always seeing you in terms of me but when you can actually really really love yourself and accept yourself and i can i can do that i can look at you wow you're an interesting brother you're an interesting person you're like a person you're not threatening me anymore i don't have to destroy you from me to live you're not taking away my nutrients in life we're not competing over the same as long as we're competing over the same nutrients it's almost like i have to silence you to be able to emerge i'm always have to figure out i have to figure out how to position myself vis-a-vis you to survive but now i don't have to do that anymore when yaakov accepts jacques of asov can really accept me i could look at my sibling i could look at the other i could look at my spouse i could look at my child i could look at my father my mother i can also look at god and actually marvel i can be an awe i can experience respect i can actually see you upon him upon him i never saw you before i didn't even know who you were because i didn't know who i was how can i know who you were i couldn't figure myself i couldn't figure myself out so basically the you was just a tool in self-discovery and whenever the you is a tool in self-discovery i never know you because i never know i when the self-discovery comes from a place that's extremely deep inside of me suddenly there is an eye and suddenly there is a you it's not a coincidence that this battle not only created that moment of peace between akava and asaf it also gave the jewish people their name we are not called the children of avraham we're not called the children of yitzhak we're not called the children of yaakov besides me but everybody is called binet israel but that wasn't his natural name from birth that wasn't the name he was given we should be called banayakov or better we should be called jacobson that's really the name that all the jewish people should carry talk about narcissism [Laughter] there's no other name eric sister all eretz jacob jacobs land you like that but eric israel army torah's israel bene israel it's always israel this moment must be so significant that this moment gave us our name for eternity till today we're called bene israel the children of israel our land is called eric israel the land of israel israel why is this so critical because in many ways you have here the full story of jewish history contained in one sentence one of the greatest challenges of the jewish people from the day they became a people was this challenge so often the jewish people felt as many of them still today feel if i can only be somebody else if i can only look like my brother dress like my brother be as successful as my brother be as free as my brother be a hunter as my brother be that complete wholesome healthy guy like my brother us my happiness will be restored over the generations one of the greatest challenges for the jewish people was to truly embrace who they were they always said to them they often said to themselves if only i can get rid of that jewish face that jewish nose that jewish style that jewish stereotypes i will assimilate i will intermarry i will appease i will outgentile the gentiles i will show them how normal i am how integrated i am i will become one of the greatest critics of israel to show how objective i am i will become more liberal than the greatest liberal living on the planet to show how open-minded i am how empathetic how sensitive you think you're a left-winger i'll show you how left the jew can be and then at last at last if i condone his clothes live his life the world will love me and i will love myself one of the most tragic errors jews have made in their history not knowing not only will they never love themselves that way nobody else will love them either within themselves it creates such confusion of identity the worst thing you can do for your child is teach them ambivalence not teach them who they are not teach yourself who you are there was a jewish comedian his name was gricho marx groucho marx and he said i would never be a member of a club that would have me as a member if they admit jews into the club it's not for me it's too jewish this was the agenda of so many jews the pride and the dignity of so many was when they were admitted into a club that would not admit jews or blacks or dogs into the club because it means i made it we made it but but at a moment of truth at a moment of truth all the people who you appeased so successfully we'll stand up look you in the eyes and say you're a stranger among us it's all about the benjamins you ultimately have doyle dual loyalty we will never trust you ever because we know who you are you're a jew you're yaakov you're not asev and the sense of disappointment at those moments is so profoundly sad it happened in ancient judea in ancient assyria it happened in spain and most tragically it happened in germany this country from where the greatest venom and hatred to the jewish people emerged the country where jews assimilated most successfully why why is it this way it's because winston churchill said appeasement when chamberlain made peace with hitler and said we have peace in our time 1938 and churchill said appeasement is feeding the crocodile in the hope that he will eat you last whenever i have to be not me in order for you to like me not only will i come out wounded and limping i won't even achieve it because if you have no space for me you certainly have no space for me mimicking you to the contrary you will only despise me far far deeper and far far more a world that has no space for jews as jews has no space for jews who feign to be just part of humanity to the contrary the world respects jews who respect judaism the world is embarrassed by jews who are embarrassed by judaism have a wonderful week i still have to go back i know they'll join them the gematria next week important next week i am an eretz israel so there's no class next tuesday there is no class i'm an artistro the week after there is a number dr the repressed the repressed pain and trauma dr sarna very good back pain wow nice the divided good good question well again in terms of in terms of terms the way it applies to our lives we vacillate in different spaces we vacillate yeah this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyeshiva.net donate