Building A House Of Torah - Wednesday Night Women’s Shiur

I had this funny like almost like borderline like cynical exchange with my wife right before I left to the sheer. You know, cuz I've been for the last 20 years my wife never hears me saying on Wednesdays what should I say in the sheer? And sometimes she says Do you really want to Are you asking for a suggestion or you're just saying you're like cuz a lot of times she would say to speak about this. No, that's a terrible idea, you know? Um so she reacted to my Okay, I'm going to three meetings. I have to also prepare the sheer by saying no, speak about the the role of women in Matan Torah. Which I understood that she was saying like like that is the cliche pre-Matan Torah way to share, you know, isn't it? Right? So I was like haha. And then I got into the car and I was like wait a second. Maybe maybe there's a reason that it's the cliche you know, thing to talk about. And I wanted to express something. It really is the truth is that it is a little bit complex. And it's a little bit and I'm not going to deal with all the complexity tonight because it really is it really it really is something complex about it. The um the relationship between women and Torah, women and learning Torah, women and mitzvahs is interesting. It's not um it's not you you really need a certain sophistication to understand how Kadosh Baruch Hu's vision for Kabbalat Torah to men and to women and Jacob and the children of Israel, right? A different way of speaking to men, a different way of speaking to women. A different here women don't have a here to learn Torah except for the halachas and the midas that are relevant to them. But if they do learn Torah, it is a mitzvah. But then maybe they shouldn't learn Torah. Okay, but nowadays we need so they should. Right? It's a little complicated. And mitzvahs also. Um women have to do mitzvahs unless they don't have to do the mitzvahs, certain mitzvahs. And some mitzvahs we haven't yet figured out if women have to do it or not, like davening. Some women do daven, some women don't daven. It's hard to figure out. They do have to do it, they don't have to do it. It's not simple, right? So I don't want to talk about any of that tonight. Even though it's these are good those are good conversations and good questions and necessary to explore and certainly important to appreciate that women do play a irreplaceable role in the Messiah and the Messiah of Torah. But I want to revisit a Gemara that I've spoken about before, but I want to bring maybe a new flavor into that Gemara. And that is the famous Gemara of Nashi ben Mayzachyon. Familiar? So the Gemara and I want to I I I've said I've said um upshot in this Gemara in a women's share before and I wasn't satisfied that I got out clearly what was inside. You know, sometimes it's hard to articulate. And you talk and talk and talk and talk and you're like, "Nah, that wasn't it." Do you know that feeling? So that's what I had last time I spoke about it. So I'm trying to be a machaber now. And I want to be a machaber by asking you a fascinating question. So the Gemara says that there's such a thing as an unbelievable unbelievable of learning Torah. It's an unbelievable mind-boggling of learning Torah. Women don't have that mitzvah. So, the asks how women partake and connect with the mitzvah of learning Torah. So, the says that the is that they send their children out to learn and they wait for their husbands to return from learning. Maybe this isn't a great question. Why does it say they send their husbands out to learn and they wait for their children to come home from learning? Like, why is it in that order? Everything is very specific in the There's no like, "Oh, it's poetry. That's what they thought to say." You know, it's not right to say if you would They would have said that, you would have asked why they didn't say this. It's It's not It doesn't work that way. In the everything is very, very specific. >> Which is the hardest? >> What do you mean? >> Waiting for your husband to come home is harder than >> than waiting for the kids to come home? >> Right. Waiting for them to come home is harder than sending them off. >> Well, not always. And >> Yeah, I was thinking that it was lucky you. Yeah. Some Yeah, yeah. It could go both ways. I I hear what you're saying. I was thinking just in terms of your like like practical answer, I was thinking also that like you don't send your husband off. Like, he's a man. She goes off. You wait for him to come home because you're waiting for him. But you send your children off. Do you wait for them to come home? Yeah, I know. Well, we already sent the children in the morning, right? So, there is a There is a conversation here. But I want to suggest that it's very very Not to take away from what you're saying. I think it's right. Right? Makes sense, right? But I want to suggest that it's very, very, very specific and very, very um exactly the dicta. And that is like this. I um I was talking to someone recently, a husband, who was This actually happened to me twice in the last week. Who was complaining to me about his lack of control over decisions that are being made in his house. Now, when a husband says that, you have to know if it means should we buy a new house or should we eat fleishigs or milchigs? Like, what does he mean? Like, what kind of control is he looking for, right? >> Right. >> Cuz there are husbands that feel like you should ask them if they choose instead of serving fish tonight to serve meat. I don't have a say. There is such a thing, right? But but and sometimes there are husbands that aren't, you know, that their wives run the house and they they're not being asked questions of like, should we take our kid out of school and put them in a different school? Should we Should we move? You know, there there is such a thing. In other words, I'm trying to say is there are extremes on both ends. But you know, sometimes you could have a husband that feels like the inyonei habayis, like the way the house is being run, like, hello, I'm here. Like, the wife is running the house, you know? It's the same mode that makes fathers say they're babysitting their kids and mothers never saying they're babysitting their kids. It's like the home is the mother's place. You know, rachmana litzlan, no one no one should ever know the pain, you know, and never never know such a thing. But like if a if a if a couple would chas v'shalom separate, so it's kind of like the etiquette that the husband will leave because it's the wife's bias. It's not a law, trust me, and trust me, they've been plenty of fights about things like that. But in the world, there's a certain sense that it's like her house. It's her market. >> [snorts] >> I've heard many of a husband say, "I don't know, I just live here." You know, like that type of thing. Like that ownership. No, there are husbands that take full ownership and the wife is like, "Where do we keep the cups?" And the husband's like, "Oh, I just did the dishes." Yes, you know, you know, so okay. I've heard I've heard these rumors of such things. So, I don't want to over stereotype, okay? But, what I told the what these this husband called me to complain and to say that um like he doesn't have much of a say but what goes on in his house. And I wasn't sure what he was talking about exactly. But, I was kind of saying that there's an area of the running of the house that leave it alone. It's not your home, it's her home. Leave it alone. I hope I'm not getting anyone in trouble here. Okay? I hope I'm not going to have an angry husband tomorrow saying, "What did you tell my wife?" But, I struggled with this over the years at different things because I like have uh I like have like an appreciation of style or you know, things like that. So, like Rifka Bracha when we were doing the basement, so like everyone was involved. I don't know if you know that you you're in touch with my daughters about it? What? What? And the everyone was involved. Everyone had an idea. This should be open. This should be closed. This should be here. This should be there. The plans were being sent around to all the kids cuz they're the ones that are going to stay here. So, they're the co-owners of the basement. Right? Kaviacha. And I had to literally hold myself back. It was one thing that I said like this is I think this is important. You know, but I had to hold myself like, "Okay. This is what you decided. Okay, this is what you're doing. Okay." You know it's my house, right? It's my house. But, it's not my house cuz basically zoo is tight. Cuz the Gemara says that when the Torah says ba'yis of a person, it means his wife. Cuz the wife is called the akairis habayis. Because the home is associated with her. It's her home. And there is truth to it. Like I don't know who I'm getting into trouble here, probably myself. But it is true in a sense that the home is the wife's home. And the husband does his work in that makom the wife creates that environment. She's home more than him, again, generally speaking. She knows more of the ins and outs of the home and the details of the children. And of course, we encourage husbands to know the details and to be involved, but it's not their, you know, how many husbands, again, I don't want to get anyone into trouble, how many husbands like would be like, the wife is like starting to pack and he's like, "Are you going somewhere?" Like, "Yeah, we're going away for Shabbos. You didn't know?" You know, okay, I Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but but but there's such a thing It's so funny because I'm saying You look like like, "What?" This is what I'm saying, I'm being dramatic. But there are some people that might listen to this and be like, "Yeah, it happens all the time." So, there are both, but there is a certain element in p'nimiyus in the Torah that a woman creates her home. And the husband's job is to leave that home and to do what he does and to and to be manig, and maybe even to lead that home. That's the partnership. He's the leader, maybe, but it's her ba'yis, basically zoo ishtay. His wife is the one who's It's her home. Am I Am I making sense? It's It's a clear thing. Now, what's incredible, I think, is that just like, and here's where the mashal that I had a hard time getting out last time, but last time I spoke about this, but you know, Hakadosh Baruchu, this is the best mashal. I did not say this last time. This is the best mashallah. Okay? Hakadosh Baruchu created the world. What was the blueprint for the creation of the world? The Torah. The measures says that the Torah said I am the tool that Hakadosh Baruchu used to create the world. Like a craftsman making jewelry Hakadosh Baruchu made the world with the Torah. What does that mean? That means that the world is the place where the will of Hashem should be fulfilled, right? And the Torah is the will of Hashem. So when you take the Torah and you apply it to the world and you make a world that's the proper place to be able to do all the mitzvahs, that's using the Torah as the blueprint for the world. Am I I'm being clear, right? Now, our homes are also a world. You know that, right? Each home is its own little world. Each home has its culture. Have you noticed that? A home has a culture. That's why when you get married, you're like, "Whoa, where did he grow up?" Because where your husband grew up, that's a different culture. It feels different than the home you grew up in. It just doesn't feel the same. Even if both homes are beautiful, healthy homes they're not the same. And there's a little bit of a culture clash cuz it's different. There's just different values in a subtle way. It's a little world. The The home is a world. And just like Hashem creates his world by looking at the Torah and creating his world the woman who's creating her bias, this is her world, wants to look towards the Tyra to create her world. And that's the model that the Tyra gives of waiting for your husband to come home. That's why I said last time that you know, like waiting to go, "Oh, baruch Hashem, you're home." You're not getting the big bucks cuz baruch Hashem, you're home. You're getting the big bucks cuz of what you do. Because when your husband comes home and he learns Tyra, and he asks shailos, and he has Yeshiva education, and he brings that knowledge and that inspiration back into the house, you implement that value system in your home. That's the partnership. You make that the the air that your children breathe. Isn't that something? So, you wait for your husband to come home to kind of create that histaklabut Olam. We look to the Tyra to create the world. That's the model. We Whenever you have a model, it's not always perfect. But that's the model that the husband comes home and brings the spirituality with him to the house. And the wife doesn't just sit there and go like, "Hey, welcome home. Okay, let me collect. I waited for you to come home." No, it's that she's mekabel him. That she's metzapeh toward him cuz that's meaningful to her. Because the Tyra and the middos and the accomplishments and the kiddush Hashem that the husband made out there become part and woven into the value system of the home. Okay, that's And the other part is the flip side. That's why I said that way. When you send your children out, you're sending them out from a home that's that's that was built to be a world of Tyra. You're sending them out. It It's not about waiting for your children to come home. It's about being mashpia on your children. You're sending them out to learn, ready to go learn the divine Hashem. Because they were raised in this place of Torah, in this place of rats and Hashem, in this place with the values that you taught were values that when they walk into Yeshiva, they will recognize those values. And when to a little kid when Morris starts talking about Shabbos, your children will say like, "Oh, Shabbos, I know Shabbos. Shabbos is a value in my house, also." And when a little bit older child starts hearing about chesed, so your child will be like, "Oh, chesed, I know chesed. My mother makes food for for people that aren't well in the community. My father gives tzedakah." They recognize from their home the values that they were raised in are now they're learning about something that they have a hachana for, they have a preparation for. That's the dikduk of the Gemara that says that the nashim b'meizachyan is that they wait for their husbands to come home and they send their children out to learn. That's good, right? I think it came out clearer this time. That's good. But that being the case, it does create a certain cheishek to review that this this atmosphere that we're trying to create. And although the wife in a family normally and regularly is the one who creates that environment, but silly and unfortunate is the husband that thinks that it's his wife's job and therefore he should stay out of it because it's all hands on deck in this generation. We're all working together. And the husband has a role and the wife has a role. The point that I'm making is that the home has to be a home with a certain a certain environment. And we live in a challenging generation. It's easy to talk sweetly and and like, you know, about this fantasy world and this this home, like the coloring books. You don't have my You don't have a pet peeve against coloring books, right? You know. Um I don't like the perfect Tati and Mommy and the two boys and two girls sitting by the Shabbos table. >> Yes. >> I don't I've never been to a Shabbos table like that. Okay? I don't like that. I don't like the perfect with I don't like the books. I'm sorry. I I apologize if anybody wrote books like that. I don't like where the the Mommy went and had a baby, and then we come home and we're all so happy, and I don't know. I had a We had a bunch of babies. It never looked like the book, okay? First of all, Mommy didn't have a sheitel and makeup on, okay? Tati was hadn't slept for 4 days. It just was not like He wasn't wearing a tie and a suit and smiling broadly. It was just I don't like these fantasy books, and why we read those to our children, and it's not re- It's not doesn't reflect reality at all. You know? I would love We should write a real book, you know? We're like, you [laughter] know? So, so we have to realize that we, you know, real life is not is not like these, you know, it's not It's not a storybook. But, that doesn't excuse us from trying to do everything that we can do to create every every moment of positivity that we can add and we can contribute to our home is important, and you know, last week we spoke about respecting our children. And I thought that was really, really important and a good review of that to the I concept of respecting our children. But, that's also true about the home, right? That's That's an atmosphere in a home that people are respected. And the first and foremost responsibility, I mean, think of a home like a baby grows for 9 months in his mother's womb, where it's like an environment where he where the baby he or she is completely taken care of and care of and enveloped physically and emotionally by the love of his or her mother, right? The home is it's an extension of that rechem. It's an extension of that. That's outside of me. The place where I continue to our children are still babies, they're still helpless, they're still defenseless. Our home is an extension of that. Okay? We haven't fully I I think in past generation at least I could say we haven't fully given birth to our children until we walk them down the aisle. That's no longer true, by the way. Now I say we haven't fully given birth to our children until our children walk their children down the aisle. Then we could be like, "Okay, I think we raised them." But that environment is like an extension. It's like the long pregnancy. It's an extension without the nausea. With an extension of of the of of of creating a safe place that provides that love. And in a way it's a lot more challenging because it's part of the world. But the first achrayis to create that home that the husband comes home to and the children leave from is to create a home that's safe. And that's important. And that's something I'm being machazik and I want to speak out because because I do live in a real world. I want to speak out that I'm going to speak about certain values and certain ideas without We're not perfect. Our homes aren't perfect. If anybody here has a perfect home, anybody listening has a perfect home where everything is perfect, I apologize. Please hang up the phone. Whatever. You can listen for entertainment value if you want. I'm not speaking to you. Okay? Because I live in a real world where people aren't perfect, where kids act up, where people are influenced by other people, where there are traumas, where there's anxiety, where there's anger, where there's where there's money worries. That's that's the world I live in. And we try every step that we do, we try little by little to try to make a difference today. And to make our homes a safer, more wholesome place today than it was yesterday. That's our effort. The rest is up to Hashem. That's what we could do. So, when I talk about things, I don't want a single person who's listening, not now and not to any future recording that Mrs. Felden might decide to to put up. I don't want anyone to feel Hashem an ounce of criticism. I'm reviewing this and it when I spoke last week about respecting children, I went home and I felt more respect for my children because it's important that we talk about these things. We're not making accusations Hashem. You know, we we talk to the people that we know are are in the Sugya in a positive way. But, this idea of creating a safe place, first of all, a physically safe place, and a physically safe place means that sometimes, and this is something that comes up a lot, is that, you know, children hurt each other sometimes. Children can be very mean to each other. And part of our job, maybe sometimes we have to figure out or ask a Shaila or discuss with a professional how to do it, but we can't preside over one kid getting hurt or one kid being constantly bullied by another kid. What to do about it is complex, but it's important to know that it's our job to stop it. It's not just like kids fight. Yeah, sometimes kids fight, but sometimes I've sat with with parents that sometimes one child is becoming a victim of another child. And maybe the older child is having a tough time in school or went through something difficult or or is ADD or whatever it is, but that means that that this younger child is constantly taking the blow. We have to know how to step in. It's not going to be perfect because we live together. I'm not saying you should be like to your 10-year-old, like I'm sorry, you got to find another place to live. I'm not saying that, but we need to recognize that part of our basic responsibility is physical safety. That's a basic responsibility, and that means even children hurting each other. Like we have this like old-fashioned thing. Like, "Yeah, kids fight. It's okay. Be careful. Watch carefully." It's true kids fight, but there's kids fight and there's kids fight. And there's the regular thing. Kids fight. They push each other. They make fun fun of They make fun of each other. They cry. They get feel better. They go right. That's their life, right? Okay, that's maybe normal. But then sometimes you have that one kid that's getting a lot of blows or that's constantly being picked on. And safety is not just physical safety. It's also emotional safety. So sometimes you could have children in a family, and again, I'm not saying that it's easy to solve this. Sometimes it has to be done slowly and carefully. Sometimes with a professional, sometimes with a rov, sometimes just a husband and wife. Most often a husband and wife putting their heads together and trying to work on how to handle this. But a child that's constantly daily, day in and day out, being put down and made fun of by another child, we have to make a plan, no? You need a We need a plan for that. We can't just say, "Yeah, kids make fun of each other." We can't do that. That younger, more vulnerable child is not living in a safe place, no? It's not safe. And it has to be safe. And we have to figure out how to protect. We could protect with our words. We could We could say something. We could defend them. And I'm not here. I'm not an expert, but hello. I You know, if if someone wanted to sit down with me and try to work it out, maybe we could try to figure it out. I'm not an expert, but I'm just saying that it's something that we need to address. It needs to be talked about. Mommy and Tati need to sit down and discuss this that you know, that that this child or that child is getting the brunt of maybe a little bit of sibling bullying or sibling rivalry, and we have to know our first responsibility is safe. It's safe. Of course, there is nothing more tragic for children to grow up in a house that's a war zone. And that their parents themselves are fighting. That doesn't feel safe. And sometimes we don't realize how much of an impact it makes on little children. The the the the fear, the the the worry. You know, sometimes we say things out of anger and we're not paying attention to the fact that our children are listening. And they're getting scared. And they could walk around with that fear. It's something we have to be careful about. The his up to keep We're not perfect. And husbands and wives argue. And again, we don't live in a fantasy world. Did you didn't see that page in the coloring book? The husband and wife screaming at each other? You didn't color that page? You know, but um it's normal that there are struggles between a husband and wife. Husbands and wives can have different personalities. Husbands and wives can have different sensitivities. Husbands and wives can have different effects of the past and how it affects the present and the future. It's not always not always easy. But it is important that we take into account my job. My job is to create a safe home. And if that means that I have to consult with a therapist. If that means that I have to make a seder learning about the certain meters. If that means that I have to keep at it no matter what to be in an environment that my children are in an environment that feels peaceful. That doesn't feel tense. And another part of our children living in a in a safe home is that we're not belittling them. And this is a little bit of a continuation of what we talked about last week in terms of of respecting our children is that we have to really really really be careful not to be the worst thing is to be cynical with our children. You know that the worst thing is to be cynical with them. It's hard sometimes not to be cynical at the end of a long day. You know, sometimes it feels like that's that's what we have to hold on to like a cynical attitude. But we have to be ourselves. Children don't understand cynicism. They just feel like something's off. And when we criticize them and it's our job to be them, we have to think about what we're doing. We have to make sure, you know, there's this old study that measured, you know, the percentage of criticisms to compliments, right? This old thing you know we talk about. Um I don't know that it's a thousand percent accurate. You know, that um you know, that that you there has to be more compliments and you know, because part of what we do over the day naturally is we say, you know, please sit by the table. Please don't spill. You know, like that's I don't know if you call all of that a criticism, you know, like we're when I criticize you, we're raising our children. But certainly we cannot and sometimes we do. We're tired. We're aggravated. We're anxious. We're upset. Sometimes embarrassed our children embarrass us sometimes. They're worried that we're an embarrassment to them, but sometimes they're an embarrassment to us, you know? And um and we say things that we shouldn't say. We say things that are hurtful to them. And just because it's my child doesn't mean that I have a to hurt another first of all. I have a the the the the the the importance of speaking nicely to another applies to my own child as well. Maybe more than anything, you know? And and not to say things that are that leave a scar. Do you know what I mean? This this criticism is I'm so frustrated from how you're acting. That's a criticism, but it doesn't leave a scar. I don't know how you're ever going to run, you know, be become an adult or something. Ooh, that could leave a scar. You know, how we express ourselves, we have to be careful. If we question their ability to be successful, if we label them as bad kids, you know, I know real stories. I'm embarrassed to even say them. I know of real stories of from people that have told their children multiple times, I wish I didn't have you. Okay? So, when I speak about this, I'm not coming from like, "What are you getting so bent out of shape for? Everyone's so nice to their kids." No. People say horrible things to their kids sometimes. And we have to be careful and there's no that that that and if a person realizes that I lose control and I end up saying damaging things, I got to work on it. Get on medicine. I don't know what you got to do. We cannot damage our children. We have to say we have to say kind things to our children. And we have to we have to criticize them. Sometimes we might get upset at them. Sometimes we might be, you know, but it has to be in a way that doesn't leave scars. When we leave scars, that's not that's that that that's that's not healthy. Now, don't be afraid if you feel like one second maybe one time I said something that leaves a scar. No. Le- Children somehow subconsciously they know the secret that their parents are human beings. And an occasional slip, an occasional blow-up, an occasional angry outburst is not going to leave an indelible permanent mark, you know, LP Rive, but a pattern. That's where the issue is. When it becomes a pattern, this is how I communicate. This is how I deal with it when I get angry. So, this wound, this bias, this place that receives ruchnius and produces ruchnius, we have to work hard getting close to Mount Torah that we double down on making our homes safe, joyous places. That's the foundation. That's like you can't have a neshama if you don't have a guf cuz a neshama needs to go into something. So that's the guf. That's the basic. That's the basis of a home is that it's a safe place. Once that's in place, so now we want to build the home based on the values of the Torah and that's something for us to each each of us in our own way to try to stay focused on. You know, most people listening to me now are not newly weds. You know, we're not starting out. We've been doing this for a while. And in a way that's why I'm saying it because it's easy for the girl 3 years out of seminary, 2 years out of seminary to uh establish her home exactly the way she was inspired to when she was young. You know, that's that's not the uh uh it's wonderful that they do it. I'm not putting them down. That's wonderful. It's amazing. But as you very well know, that's not when it's challenging. It's challenging when it's 5 years later. And we've been through stuff and life isn't so simple and and and and there's different dramas in our lives to try to remember that we're here to build a world, Hishtaklu ba'arba'ah amos, to build a world that reflects the values of the Torah. And don't underestimate the power of the words of a mother. And it doesn't have to be some some of our kids, many of our kids I should say, they don't want to hear speeches or drashes or shiurim from their mother. Some of you may have noticed it doesn't work so well sometimes. It's not what our children want to hear, but there's still something of shame shamayim shabbos b'fiyah that a mother is talking about Hashem, that she's talking about ruchniyus, that she's davening. These things are very very very important. Um sometimes we wonder like, "Yeah, they don't listen to what I'm saying. They're they're they're not they're not paying attention to me." At the end of the day, at the end of the day, not when your children are 20. I'm talking about when your children are 60. The impact of having a mother that was erlich, a mother that asked shailos, a mother that that had some relationship with tefillah, a mother that had emunah, a mother that made brachos and that they grew up, it has a lasting lasting lasting impact. Our children, when they're 20, we we look at them and we're like, "Okay, I guess I tried, you know, that that kind of feeling, you know? No, no, no, this is a little bit too premature to know the impact. The impact is years. The impact is when they What about when our daughters are mothers? That's when you feel the impact. And that and that's something that comes about from trying to make sure to maintain our being plugged into the world of Torah. In a way, like it's silly that I'm saying this to you because you're sitting here on a Wednesday night, days before Shavuos, talking about ruchniyus with me. So, yeah, you're doing it. But the But you know, just to be mechazek ourselves, and I wish we could I wish we could scream it from the rooftops, that we need to stay connected to Torah. And we need to stay connected to the values of the Torah. Even if women don't have a mitzvah of Talmud Torah, but it's crucial, it's oxygen. We need to keep being mechazek ourselves. So many of you prepare for Shabbos and Yom Tov with a shiur playing in the background while listening on your ear pods. And you're doing that for yourself because it machazik you and it gives you koiches. That's wonderful. But you don't realize you're doing it for your family also. Cuz your children are growing up seeing that and maybe they're going rolling their eyes, "Mommy's always listening to a shear." That's fine. Make fun. That's great. They are going to hold on to that. That's their neshama. As they get older, that's that womb. That's that makom that you're sending out your children from that place that has the middos of the Torah and the values of the Torah. And that's important. It's also something to try. This is a hard sugia also. I really didn't pick an easy topic tonight. Um it's it's it's a it's a hard thing to think about. Yuntif this comes up. Who we're bringing into our house. This is a complicated thing especially when it's Yuntif time. I don't have easy solutions for you. I'm just telling you that it's something that needs to be discussed. Parents need to discuss this. Are you having guests for Yuntif? Do your guests use nice language? Do your guests talk appropriately by a Yuntif table? Do your guests scream and yell or say abusive things to children? It's something we have to make a cheshbon of. We have to think about that. Sometimes the appropriate thing is to not have those guests. Sometimes we may decide that there's no choice, but we have to be on guard. Sometimes I know of cases where a family would invite guests for Shabbos and the mother would decide, "I'm not going to sleep this Shabbos afternoon. I'm staying with the kids because I just don't trust the guests and I'm going to be there and make sure that my kids are safe." And the mother would stay up, you know, like try to stay up to you know, to be with the kids. But it's something that we have to be cognizant of especially Yuntif time. When we're going to be a guest, who else is going to be there and to make a plan. In most cases, we're not talking about dangerous people. In most cases, we're talking about people that with a little bit of thought and a little bit of calculation and a little bit of conversation, we could figure out how to make the environment better. My wife and I, countless times, have had conversations before Yom Tov, how we're going to handle conversation by the Yom Tov table if it goes that way. We have this conversation. This guest is coming and tends to be sometimes a little bit negative. How are we going to handle that? Oh, let's make a plan. Sometimes I come up with a good idea. Sometimes she comes up with a good idea, and sometimes we say we don't have a good idea. But the fact that we're both concerned about it and thinking about it, it just makes us more on guard. Sometimes, as the one who runs the Yom Tov seudah, sometimes I could be In my mind, I'm like, "Okay, red alert. Quickly start singing, you know?" You know, and then and people by the table might be like, "That was not so nice. I'm always in the middle of talking." Yeah, that's the point. That was exactly the point, you know? Sometimes it's necessary to do that, and sometimes and maybe this is your husband's job, sometimes you have to say, "Let's not talk about this now." Sometimes you have to say that. Ouch, right? But sometimes you have to do that. It's our children. It's our everything. Sometimes we have to say, "Look, I'm I'm not comfortable with the conversation. Could we please not talk about this now?" People don't have the sensitivity. They don't realize. So, these are these are just ideas and machshavahs about about focusing on creating that bias that the noshim may zach and to create that bias that's a house of Torah. There's a count in this week's parashah. I'm going to end with this. There's a count in this week's parashah. Klal Yisrael counted. And not a coincidence that the parashah before the Torah is given is a parashah where Cloud Israel was counted. Because it's a little bit like um You know there's such a thing they did it um I mentioned it a few weeks ago cuz you you know I get like enamored with certain things that go on in the world. You remember we talked a few weeks ago about King Charles coming to So there's something called when you visit another country, a dignitary visits another country or someone comes here, there's something called reviewing the troops. Okay? Where they the troops get up, polished, you know, and you go through and review the troops. There's an idea of soldiers before accepting a mission they stand at attention. There's a roll call. Even in the police department there's a roll call before each thing. They they stand at attention. They get their instructions. There's such a concept. And we are the ones that are that roll call. And before this week part this parashah before Shavuot is Cloud Israel's counted. We were not counted like the United States census that we just clicked on the numbers and emailed it in or filled it out and mailed it in depending on which century you lived in. We That's not That's not the way it was. And it was not at that time that counting was not just sending the master shackles and they'll count the master shackles by the Mishkan. Didn't work that way. Moshe, Aaron, and the Zekanim they went to each house. And the father would go out and he would say this is the size of my family. And Moshe and Aaron Ramban describes this as this is not like This is not like some like I'm conjecturing that maybe it was like this. The Ramban says this exact thing. Moshe and Aaron would like be masim ainam. They would like put their eyes on this family. You imagine how much bracha came Imagine you were Mosha standing outside your house and you're saying these are my children. This is my house. Mosha saying you should have slacha. Can you imagine? Mosha Rabbeinu and Aaron HaCohen went house to house and they counted Qual Yisrael. Mind-boggling. There's a lashon in the psukim. You can take a look at it. The lashon says "Vayisyaldu al mishpichosam." That they like something about giving birth. Something like that. About their families. Very strange. There was a count. Nobody was giving birth. So Rashi says that they showed Mosha and Aaron their paperwork. They would have a scroll where their family tree was, their genealogy. So they could show who they were, what they how many children they have. So Vayisyaldu is like sefer yichusem, like their yichus. Are you really a Jew? Are you a Cohen? Are you a Levi? What shevet are you from? They had their yichus. That's what Rashi says. Reb Tzadok said something that's so delicious. That's an appropriate way to end the shiur. Reb Tzadok says that when you stood at attention for that counting and Mosha and Aaron came and gave their bracha and saw your family, you were reborn. Vayisyaldu. They were born again. Your Your old life was just paled in comparison. You know what life is like after Mosha Rabbeinu says "Hatzlacha rabba." You know what life is like? You're not the same person you were before. Vayisyaldu. It's like It's like a new life. And my bracha and my tfila and my hope is that when we go to parshas Bamidbar and we get ready for Shavuos, we're standing at attention. And Mosha Rabbeinu may not be here bigufi, but Mosha's Torah, that's what we Like the Torah that Mosha sugar that's what we're going to lay in these and in the in effect in a spiritual sense my sugar is going to review the troops. And we are the troops. And the same brocha that my sugar and Aaron gave then I think it's fair to say that as we get ready for our cover of the Torah and we stand at attention and we're ready to be counted and we're ready to be soldiers. The Zohar writes about this week's parsha about counting. He says I could just probably says I want to know who my Yalim are. I want to know my soldiers are. And when we prepare ourselves to be those soldiers I see how to do it's a new life. I could just probably should give us all the strength to be able to overcome all the challenges and all the difficulties to be able to locate in our lives sources of Simcha and connection to Hashem and to be able to be my camel the Torah. I don't think next week we're going to have a share with Yantif. Wednesday night. So I'm saying good Yantif now even though anyone's welcome we could be in touch before that but in terms of the share I'm saying good Yantif that we should be able to be my camel Torah and in terms of this share what we're talking about to be able to do that job of looking in the Torah and creating our world to be able to take the values of the Torah. We should each and every one of us have the experience of having nachos from our homes and considering our homes to be a reflection of the values of the Torah. Thank you.