Bringing Hashem into the Most Shameful, Lonely Parts of Your Being

Beautiful. [Music] >> Hey ladies, please start with the [Music] Good morning everybody. Thank you for coming. Let's begin with a uh chapter of Tahillim for our brothers and sisters in the holy land and especially the hostages and the soldiers and all of their families. We'll say cap which is 108 108. Okay. Mm. MSH. for God. Fore fleshes. Fore! Foreign! Foreign! I know. [Music] I want to begin with thanking everybody for coming and wishing everybody a most amazing blessed year for you and all of your loved ones, families, communities. A year of true happiness, joy, abundant blessings in the most revealed and manifested way materially and spiritually for all of you and all of us and Kulb is especially our brothers and sisters in the holy land and it should be a year of true victory and a true of true redemption. Amen. Amen. Okay. Okay. Just to just an announcement, next week of course is Rashashana on Tuesday. So uh I won't be seeing you here. But the week afterwards is two days before Yum Kipper. So we will be having a class baser Hashem. So that's not next Tuesday but in two weeks on Tuesday we will be having a prey kipper and sukus class. So everybody is invited and that will be the first class of the new year vishnu. Okay. So you have one source sheet today and uh please take everybody got it right. Okay. Today's class is dedicated in memory of benchm by his loving family and may his soul remain an eternal source of inspiration and love and empowerment for the family for the community for all of the Jewish people and uh may his presence always be with you and may you experience only blessings and thank you very very Amen. Everybody knows that Shana, the new year, the head of the year commemorates the day that the first human beings were formed, were created. We say the of today is it's the beginning of your work of your of your product of your creation. We commemorate that first original day. We say also in rash musfum after they blow the after we blow the shaer which translation is today is the birthday of the universe. Haras means birth means the world. Today is the birthday of the world and uh as our sages tell us the world was created as the says in six days. So the first day you have the first day and then the second day the third day etc. And then on the sixth day is when kav are created that was also Friday of shabas that led into the seventh day which was shabas and thus the first rish was that day the sixth day of creation when come into existence. It also becomes what's known as the day of judgment the day of judgment. And the truth is that if you look most people know and as days of judgment if you look in the actual ding that's not mentioned what's mentioned is that rishana is the day of coronation right if you look in the ding the thera the text of is what our sages instituted for every day or shabas or yumpt and it describes the theme of that particular holiday. So if you look in the rashana prayer we change from kadesh to kadesh from the the holy god to the holy king and that goes on through yam kipper and the prayer is it's a prayer for kingship it's a day of coronation why do the two come together the day of coronation being the j day of judgment in many ways you would think when they coronate a king that's not a day to judge it's a day of celebration the day that a new president is nominated and is declared as sworn in as a president of a country. It's a festive day. It's a celebratory day and is a festive day. It's called a yamt etc. The next day the king starts judging. But here it's interesting that the two come together. Also we all know that the day of judgment and we've spoken about this many times. It conjures in many people very very heavy feelings of dread. Nobody likes to be judged. Especially in our culture, stop judging me. Stop judging me. We we tell that to ourselves all the time. Stop judging me. Stop judging me. And uh certainly to others. But so it's interesting. What is the essence of this? What what what is this idea of uh of yadin of judgment and why it becomes a yamtiff, a festive day? Doesn't seem to be such a happy occasion. And yet it's called in Ezra it's called a yumpt and they have the of a yamt and so forth together with Adam and being created on the first rash our sages say that when Adam was created he said the mismar which later would become part of hashem malik ga laves hashem is king he exalts he he dresses up in the garb of exaltedness and it says that the psalm which we say every Friday evening at least in many communities we say that was actually speaking when he was created he turned to the entire world he turned to all of the animals to the mammals and to the birds and to the insects and to the fish and to the reptiles and to all of the creations and he said let's go praise let's sing to the essence of salvation. Let's express gratitude. Let's dance. And then he says, "Let's come and prosperate ourselves. Let's kneel and let's bless before God, our creator." It's almost like Adel Marish introduced what you could call consciousness to the universe. Everything is just autopilot. Everybody's doing their thing. The trees are doing their thing. The plants are doing it. Thank God. The sun is doing its thing. The moon is doing its thing. The frogs are doing its thing. The worms and the lizards, the reptile, everybody's doing their own thing. And everybody knows exactly what to do because they're pre-programmed with this amazing amazing intelligence of what to do, how to do, how to survive, how to propagate, um how to create a new generation, how to enhance their environment. each creature according to its own unique chemistry and design. Every organism according to the blueprint of its DNA and they're just doing it. And then Adam was created and he turns to them and he says, "Now it's time to dance. Now it's time to express gratitude. Now it's time to experience the flow of life. There's something. It's not just a random. You're not just a computer program moving in autopilot." He introduces consciousness, mindfulness, awareness. That's what happens on the first and thus we do the same thing. We also say hashem we coronate we coronate hashem but something else happens on that day and that's the famous story of the tree of knowledge the tree remember yumpt you got to have a meal so god told Adam you have a huge garden eat whatever you want for your yumpt meal first course second course third course dessert knock yourself out and it's all ready nobody has to appear all the trees are here but there's one tree I don't want you to eat And on that very day, we all know the story. Kava sees the fruit. It's extremely tempting. It's extremely attractive. It's extremely appealing. She eats it herself and she gives it to her husband also to eat. And this is known as a story of eight and Adam and Eve eating from the tree of knowledge which also happens on rash hash. What we want to look at today is what happens after they eat from this. And since this is a rash story, it's logical to assume that this is essential to the whole experience of rash. And as we'll see it is so are created and that very same day our sages tell us attracted Sanhedrin exactly the list of hours. It was the 10th hour of the day bashiris that kava got a little hungry for that particular tree even though there were a lot of other trees and they ate. If you look in the s first source sheet, we want to examine what was Hashem's first conversation with Adam after eating from the tree. Okay. So the basic story is everybody knows this is Genesis chapter 3 bes per giml where this snake is extremely clever and he has this whole conversation with Kava and finally entices her and seduces her to eat and persuades her to eat from the tree. She does and she gives it to Adam. Okay. What happens after that? So they ate. They ate from the atas. What happens afterwards? There's a conversation that takes place between the creator and other marisha. And this conversation contains within it as we can understand extraordinary insight into the entire human experience pre the tree of knowledge and post the tree of knowledge. So here it is. Bacious Genesis 3:8 [Music] just Okay. No, no, I got it. I got it. So, what happened right before right before the Tory says they both ate from the fruit gave it to Adam. Their eyes open up and they're aware that they are without clothes, naked. And what happens is the first thing they do is they take leaves of a fig tree and they weave those leaves into belts kaguros to cover themselves. Okay. The next scene is so this is the end of the story. They ate they realize that they're without clothes. They obviously don't like that. And they cover themselves with leaves of a fig tree. What happens right after that? Says the They hear they heard the voice of Hashem walking in the garden towards the direction of the sun. And Adam and his wife hide from before Hashem in the midst of the trees of the garden. There's a lot of good hiding places, a lot of trees, a lot of shadows, a lot of leaves, a lot of branches. And this is what they do. So after the story, what is the first act of Adam? They hear Hashem's sound. They hear co Hashem. What is the He's walking in the garden. He's strolling in the garden. You know, it's a nice afternoon. It's a beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, pun intended. And uh what else do you do in a garden? You stroll. And that's when they go into hiding. Okay. Hashem calls out to Adam and he has one question. Where art thou? Or today it's where are you? But where art thou? Like you know captures it a little better. Ayeka where are you? That's his question of course cuz Adam is hiding. That's what happens. Adam and his wife are hiding. So they're not to be found. They're in the witness protection program. They are in camoufl. Where are you? It sounds like we have an appointment. We're supposed to go for a walk. I'm here. Where are you? You're late. We're supposed to meet 3:30. Have a good time. But you're gone. Where are you? Says, "I have heard your voice in the garden. I heard your sound and I was afraid because I'm naked. So I went into hiding. So he says what happened exactly exactly as the story is. He heard the sound of Hashem walking in the garden. He went into hiding and when Hashem says where are you? He says exactly what happened. I heard the presence. I heard your ky. I became afraid. I was terrified. Why? I really don't look good. I'm naked. Aastish. It's not a way to go on a walk, right? Even if there's no video cameras, certainly if there are video cameras and certainly you're there and my wife is there. So what did I do? I went into hiding. What's Hashem's response? God says, "Who told you that you were naked? Who told you? How do you become aware of this? I never told this to you. Have you eaten from the tree which I told you not to eat from? That's uh that's the end of this conversation. And of course, we know what he does. He says, "It's not my fault, it's her fault." And that story uh >> has continued at least in some situations. Okay? And then he starts a conversation between Hashem and Kava and Hashem and the snake and Hashem and Adam and the whole continuation of the story. But this is the end of the story that happens right in that garden right after the story of the eating of the tree. Now here is a very fascinating reflection that we want to talk about. Okay. Adam committed a grave grave sin. Maybe the greatest sin in history. I mean he was created directly by God. He didn't have parents like he for him Hashem was his father. His mother literally created him with his hands. He asked him for one thing not to eat from one tree and it's not like he was starving and he violated it and violated it. We might expect what would have been the first question of Hashem to Adam what what would you think should be the first question of Hashem to Adam? >> Why did you >> right? Why did you do it? Right. Even when your boy or grandboy takes out the orange juice without permission and you just finished cleaning the counter in the kitchen and he decides to fill himself up a wonderful cup of orange juice and that car juice ends up not in the cup but on the floor you just finished mopping and cleaning. What's the question? Why did you take out the oranges without permission? But he doesn't say that to doesn't say that to why did you do this? Why? He asks another question. The first question is, where are you? Where are you? And then when Marishian says, I heard you're here and I went into hiding, he says, cuz I was naked, I felt that I'm without clothes. He said, who told this to you? Is it possible that you ate from the tree? So instead of a direct question, Adam, what are you doing? What are you crazy? Are you insane? Why? Why? Why? Tell me why. Give me a justification. Give me a good excuse. Why were you late? Right? Give me a good excuse. It's a very different type of question. Very, very interesting. Not why you sinned, but the first question is where are you? The first question Hashem asks Adam in history. Where are you? And the second question is who told you you were naked? Is it because you ate from the tree? The truth is there comes a bigger question. What's this question? Where are you, >> right? If he's God, he probably knows where he is. Is it a rhetorical question? Rash says he didn't want to scare him. He didn't just want to like approach him and say, "Hey, I see you." You know, the hideand-seek game. I see you. I see you. No, you don't. I see you. So, he did it gently. It's almost like where are you? Like, I don't know. we're going to play dumb and naive and maybe he'll come out of the hiding and that's fine. Okay, so that's one way of explaining it. And isn't it interesting that the first question God asks of man in history is where are you? Where are you? But the truth is in this little conversation, it's not so little. We have contained one of the most powerful reflections on the human condition and the transformation of preadas to postadas and it all happens on rash. The first question and the first word after has violated hashem's mitzvah of not eating from the tree of knowledge is where are you? Where did you disappear? You disappeared. You see in many ways and it's a very very subtle idea. His big question is not why you sinned. You sinned because you sinned. You sinned because people are weak. Because people can be frail. Because people can be impulsive. Because people can lose their compass. Because people are mortal. Because people have snakes. Because people have venom that snakes ingest into them. because people get overwhelmed. There's a lot of reasons why people deviate. Why do I eat the wrong thing when I shouldn't eat it? Why you want to answer for me? >> I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I need to numb my anxiety. Any other good reasons? >> I like sugar. >> I like sugar. Okay, very good. Wow, that's such a nice lizus. I'm talking about anxiety. You're saying I like sugar. That sounds That sounds very beautiful. I happen to like sugar, but that's not the reason. >> There's always a simple reason. >> That's true. That's true. The taste buds say you like sugar. The heart says time to numb. The deeper heart says time to really numb, etc. And 5 minutes later, the number has to be bigger because the old number already faded away. That's why I ate. That's why I ate. Yeah. I'm not centered. I'm not anchored. I don't like myself. I'm trying to distract myself. Whatever. Everybody understands. That's not the question Hashem asks. The creator understands all of this. You know how he understands it? He created it. We say it every morning in Davenu. It's also the last paragraph of yenu. He knows my inclination. He installed it. He created it. He fashioned it. He designed that he may be hurt and but not surprised in the sense like whoa that's not his question to other fascinating why did you do it but you disobed me I created you how dare you he asks a very different question open your hearts the question he asks says that was an important pause. The question he asks is not why were you weak, not why you failed, not why you sinned. Why do you feel that now you have to hide from me? That's the question. Why did you disappear? Why aren't you present? That's the question. Why do you feel in your consciousness that you cannot stand here? You cannot face me. You cannot look at me anymore. This relationship, the intimacy, the face to face pon upon him, the presence is gone. You have to go into hiding and peek out and see could you come out, could you not come out? And the conclusion is stay in hiding. And Adam acknowledges it. Adam says, "Of course I went into hiding. I'm scared." Why am I scared? I'm naked. I'm disgusting. I look disgusting. I'm despicable. I also wouldn't come to a class without clothes. I mean, let's face it, even if it wasn't there live streamed. We all know things that you will do in the privacy of your life. And if even one person is watching, it changes everything. It's not fun to be caught with in certain states. Yeah, I was afraid. Of course, I went into hiding. I'm disgust. I can't I can't show up. So, Hashem says, "Ah, you ate from the tree. Ah, you ate from the tree." So the great tragedy of the tree even more than disobeying was the shame that comes afterwards that now forever I need to go into hiding because this is the key. The fact that I was I betrayed my soul. I betrayed my creator. Yep, I did that. But for that I can still show up and say this is what happened. this is who I am. The real consequence that happens is I can't look at you anymore. I can't be here anymore. There's a part of me that has to disconnect. There's a part of me that disassociates, that goes into deep, deep hiding. Not just physically, we're talking here emotionally, existentially, that can't face life anymore. My heart goes in to a deep, deep, deep secret chamber of complete concealment. for the fact that I betrayed you, for the fact that I sinned, for the fact I made a mistake, I could say, "I'm sorry." I could say, "Wow, let me see what happened. What's the next step? How do we repair? How do we correct?" But when I can't even show up anymore, the relationship is over. We can't talk. I ran away. Oh, that's a whole different story. That's what happens as a result of the tree. Now I look and I say if anybody really sees who I am they will see something so despicable so repulsive so disgusting so unacceptable so unappealing so unattractive to the opposite of course I should be scared of this type of exposure and it's from that moment that Adam and Kava struggle to be able to look at God face to face which means of course to look at themselves because what does it really mean to Meet Hashem. What does it mean? It means to meet reality. Hashem is reality. It's the essence of reality. I can't look at reality anymore. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I need to go into hiding. I'm very, very embarrassed. I'm humiliated. I'm ashamed. And I'd rather Nobody sees. Nobody sees. Even I can't see. Yeah. >> Concealment. >> Okay. Wow. And the next step, of course, is right. He's expelled from the garden of Eden. And the zy says it says he expelled them. And the zy says we don't know who expelled who. Is it Hashem who expelled Adam from the garden of Eden? Is it Adam who expelled Hashem from the Garden of Eden? Because the definition of the Garden of Eden is that we could look at each other face to face. Full full presence. Full presence. Psychologically, this is a very very deep shift because when we really look deep into ourselves, how deep is my shame? The voice of shame is such a deep voice that sometimes we can't even hear it. It is so underlying. It is so ingrained. It is so embedded. It may be embedded so profound that it's subconscious. I'm not even aware of it. I may be aware of the tip of the iceberg of my shame but the real depth and intensity of shame could be so profound and that happens after ate from the tree. So it's not just we don't have clothes. It's the shame of that and the fear of anybody seeing it. And that first outcry of Hashem is a where are you? It's a cry. Why do you have to feel that you cannot be here anymore? Why can't you stand here when I walk through the garden and say he made me I'm here. Isn't it fascinating as the med says in Batius that the same letters like the word a become one of the most powerful words of grief in Jewish history. The beginning of another very famous book of Tanakh. You remember what I'm talking about? The beginning of a lamentations which you read on tishabove is exactly the same letters like means alas how like how but it's not just how means how do you get here you walked you drove is how you know how how does this happen and what are the next words va a city that was bustling with a living vibrant people. How does it come to be so lonely to sit bad is solitary in solitary confinement is what's the connection between the andy? It's really the same thing. It's the echo that makes that laments the fact that you feel you're so lonely. It's the shame that keeps me so lonely that keeps me detached not only from others, from myself. So many parts of me I have to shut down because if I see them it's too shameful. I have to cut certain wires. So certain parts of my soul can't flow. Those wires had to be cut because I I'm not I cannot be in touch with that. I put this into hiding, this into hiding, this into hiding. And everybody in their own way based on our nature and nurture that we speak often about of how we develop our coping mechanisms and our emotional stance in our society and in our world visa v ourselves visa v our family visa v our friends visav our community visa v our spouse or our children or or other people and so often there's a yashwa vod there's a deep deepseated loneliness that begins with that wordy >> this is often worse than the guilt and the and the fear right the shame is the worst >> very often underlying the guilt and the fear is shamed himself acknowledges this says where are you and he says what are his words he says I heard your voice I became afraid and therefore I went into hiding so the fear preceded something else I went into hiding So there was something that he felt that with the hiding he'll be able to justify. And as as that at that moment, Hashem says, "Who told you that you're naked?" Which resulted in the fact that you should be so ashamed and so afraid of me and of facing me. Yeah. >> That's true. >> Excellent. also in right. Yeah. So there are times that bad is a virtue. It's considered very positive. A nation that dwells alone because there's two different types of bad remains alone. And the med says over there it's similar to the P that says and then when Adam is formed what are the first words of God why does he need a wife it's not good to be and then when he sees Mo is judging the people alone he says not good you're alone you can't do it this way novel T-ball, you're going to decompose. You're going to rot away. You, the whole people, everybody's going to have a breakdown. You have to delegate. You got to bring in more people, even if they're not as brilliant, talented, and skilled, and amazing like you. And of course, the miracle is that he listens to his father-in-law. >> It's good his mother-in-law didn't give him the advice. It's interesting, right? You would think a gentile comes and starts giving advice. The first thing is, you're not even a homegrown potato. Somebody walks into your community and starts telling you should change this, you should change this. You should change this. Who are you? You don't even know what looks like. You don't know what jalapeno herring looks like or sponge cake. How dare you tell us how to run this show, right? But actually listens to wow it changes the whole system. But what is complaint? You can't be almost like what we hear with Adam. The answer is there's two different types of there is a loneliness that comes from shame and there's a loneliness that comes from an inner appreciation of the unique light that you need to manifest in the world. There's two very different types of loneliness. What is a loneliness that represents the internal shame that a person has like I can't spill my beans. There's nobody I could be honest with. I can't even be authentic with myself. I'm never going to look at myself again. You know, you know when sometimes I feel if you find out these things about me, you're not going to look at me again. Forget about being my friend. Forget about being my best friend. It's mash. But you know, people do that with themselves also subconsciously. If I would know the truth about me, I would never be my own friend. I would never talk to me. Did you ever decide not to talk yourself to yourself for a while? By the way, it's not a bad idea. It's not such a bad idea for a couple of hours to say, "I'm not talking to me." It's fine. Let him let him go talk to somebody else. Right? But sometimes it's there's really a word for it. It's called disassociative, which means essentially certain parts of me are not talking to other parts of me. There's a reason for it. There's a reason for it. They don't want me to know who they are. They're afraid that if I know who they are, I will never look at myself the same way. I will actually maybe harm myself. I will hate myself. I will despise myself, which of course doesn't help the situation because the system knows it all. The system knows it all internally. The fact that you're hiding is the greatest testimony of everything and is the greatest rupture in the relationship. So there's a type of bad which is rooted in such deep shame. There's another type of badish which is actually rooted in your power. When you're in flow and you're manifesting the source, there is something unique about the light that you bring to the world that allows you and asks of you to maintain and protect the boundaries and the integrity of that light. That's why our sages say also about Adam and Kava that Hashem created Adam as one person with and then separated them to teach us that every person is an entire universe and everybody must say also in track 37 for me the world was created. What does it mean for me the world was created? What is this narcissism? It means that there's something at stake in the creation of the universe that I must stand up and take and assume responsibility because there's something at stake in the world that I am the one who is going to complete and nobody before me or after me can do this not in order to create more guilt and more shame but rather to accentuate the power the light that Hashem wants to manifest through you through you through you through you through me. That's in many ways lonely, but not lonely in the sense that I detach. Lonely in the sense that I can't connect. On the contrary, this allows me to connect deeper because the more you are anchored in your own spiritual energy and flow, the more you could connect with people because you connect not from a place of insecurity, not from a place where you need their validation, not from a place where you need to impress them, but rather from a place where you are deeply deeply anchored in your own spirit, in your own energy, and now you could deeply connect. So there's a loneliness that disconnects me from me and from God and from others. And then there's a different type of that's the moment when Yakov has to face himself in a way that only you can face. even our best friends, even our spouses, even people that we're very close with and even if we have an amazing relationship, but there's still an element of bad. There's an element where you know yourself from an internal experience where I need to do that work. It's almost like I need to embrace that lavad in a very beautiful and positive way. And if I put that on somebody else, I'm running away from that inner self because nobody can appreciate it. Nobody can understand it because they have their own lad. Yeah. The idea of his buddus from breast is also based on this. Yeah. His budd is not to go into loneliness and not uh talk to anybody forever. On the contrary, it's having being being aware of that intimate conversation I must have with my inner music, which means with my inner god. Somebody sent this to me and it was just very very interesting. I want to share it with you. Um it's just a very fascinating study. Um it was interesting that somebody would make such a study. I guess first either people have time in their hands or they have a grant for it. And there was a beautiful lesson in it. I think basically a number of years ago somebody I'm reading what I'm reading I'm reading the story. Somebody conducted a beauty experiment. It was called real beauty sketches. Okay. They ask people to describe themselves, their physique, their facial features to FBI trained for forensic artist Gil Zamora. Gil Zamora is a forensic artist. He works for the FBI. So, he's a really skilled and brilliant artist. Gil is sitting behind a curtain. So, when the people describe their facial features, their physique, their body, he doesn't actually see them. He just hears their voice. He could not see them. and he draws a portrait of them based solely on their description of what they look like. So he doesn't know, he trusts them. They're talking about themselves, so they know what they look like. And and he he's trained for this. He's really good at it. I would just make a circle with two eyes and, you know, think and everybody would look the same and it wouldn't be very impressive because I'm not an FBI uh forensic artist. And this is what Mr. what Gilamora was doing. Okay. Now after this a random stranger was asked to describe the same person to Gil to see how their description would differ. So a random person would now describe that same person to this artist to Gil. And he drew a second portrait of these very same people based on the description of the stranger who observed them. So he had two portraits of the same person. He has not seen this person. One portrait was based on the person's own testimony, somebody who's been in this body for 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, whatever it is, and another person who's just seeing them for the first time. And the person who sent it to me showed me the contrast. It was fascinating. Not only were they different, okay, that makes sense. They were completely completely divergent. The one based, and here is the key, the one based on the stranger's portrayal was far more beautiful, far happier. You saw happiness and far more accurate, far more accurate to the actual features of the real real person. In fact, it was hard to believe how inaccurate you see the picture of the person and you see two portraits. It's hard to believe how inaccurate the description of the person or the people themselves were in contrast to a stranger who was speaking objective truth and was therefore much more accurate. It proved such a profound truth and that is some of us are so much more beautiful than we imagine and that's what happened at that moment. You see, we are always telling stories about ourselves. To be a human being is to tell stories. And the first person we tell stories about is ourselves. And if you notice your mind, you will see your mind does not stop telling you stories about yourself. And if you're a good Jew, it's 247 incessantly in our sleep. It's in our sleep. And when we're up, we're up. But it's always a story. Always a story. very very hard to get it to stop telling stories. But here's the truth. We are terrible storytellers. Dramatic. No question. No question. Dramatic, interesting, engaging. We keep our system captive. Mesmerizing stories, but horrible. The portraits we paint. The portraits we paint. And I don't mean physical ones are simply off. If we go back to the original portrait, the objective portrait painted not by a stranger but by one who created the physique, who created the body, who created soul. It's the human being is carved in the divine image. That's the portrait. That is objective. That's the portrait. That's true. So how can one depict themselves as anything but internally stunning? And this is what happens to other the moment they eat from the tree. It's not that I made a mistake. It's that I am a mistake. It's not that I committed a sin. I committed a sin and I could show up and say, "Wow, what a lesson. How much remorse. How painful to detach from the source. Wow. Wow. Wow." You take a deep breath. You cry, you grieve, you feel remorse, and you're like, "Wow, okay, I got it. I got it. I'm done." That's not what happens. What happens is I am the mistake. The evil is inside of me. It's my core. Of course, God doesn't want to look at me. Of course, I can't I can't even It's much worse. Facing God is the end of everything. At least if I'm in hiding, I'll survive. And emotionally this still keeps us trapped. This still keeps us in captivity. And it's when we confront this moment. It's when we confront this experience. Everything changes. Maybe not like this, but there is a deeper consciousness that can come in. Because this moment is often the breaking point where we get splintered into two. You see what happens is at that moment are splintered. There's the real real real authentic that they don't know about. It's in hiding. It can't look at reality. And the other part that is the one that shows up, but they know it's not the real self. The real self is hiding. Of course, with God, I can't do that. So, he's like, "Ayaka, where are you? I want that part. I want the one in the hiding. I need the one behind the bushes. I don't need the one that everybody sees. I don't need the one that you show yourself. I need you. I need you. I need you. Oh, no. No, no, no. We're not going there. Splintered. Breaking point. And how many mechanisms, instincts, drives, snipers, protectors, bodyguards do I create to protect that inner self from being seen, from being identified, from being exposed? How many? And how efficient and skillful is my system in maintaining all those bodyguards and skillful snipers to attack or to freeze or to run whenever anybody is getting close. You know, remember that game hot cold hot cold hot hot hot. Oh, and I get very hot. Oh, you're cold, you're far away. And those relationships that begin to touch those spots, you know, those become the threatening relationships. That's why intimate relationships become so difficult over there because, you know, in schul I could be the most popular guy in the world because, you know, I do the kdish and I bring out the chalant and I make an amazing ch. You should taste my kishka and it works. But the moment you know the deeper intimate sp part parts are triggered, it's danger danger danger danger. God is coming. Reality is coming. Go deeper, deeper, deeper into hiding. Now, how do we begin to heal this? If you don't think you have this problem, that's amazing. For many years, I didn't know about this within myself because part of the coping mechanism is that you don't know about your coping mechanism. Right? If a coping mechanism came with a label, this is your coping mechanism, it would change everything. The power of these mechanisms is it's reality. I'm not hiding. I'm not hiding anything. I'm not hiding. I am not hiding. I am honest. But the soul knows. You can't fool the soul. You can't fool God. The soul is a part of God. That's the story of breast, right? He told it a very deep story that there was once a king, a wonderful, wonderful, benevolent king. And his adviser told him that the crop, the grain of the new year, the new season has within it a chemical that's going to make everybody mishuga. That means whoever eats from the grain of the new year and they need it for their food is going to go insane. And he so the king says, "What do we do?" He says, "Well, we need to make sure that we don't eat from this grain. We have to find we have to keep the supply of the old grain so at least the leader and his adviser will remain normal. The king says my doesn't make sense. My entire nation is crazy and I'm the only normal one. Why am I their king? No. No. He says we're also going to eat it. But what we're going to do is we're going to put a sign on the forehead. >> I am crazy. So that when you see my forehead, you could remember when I see your forehead, I could remember. I'm crazy. That's the end of a breast of story. I assume it's only my own accurate because he would tell stories and he wouldn't always give his messages. But I assume the message was the coping mechanism is not the problem. The insanity is not the problem. It's that that becomes normal. The breaking point substitutes reality at least sign coping mechanism. Coping mechanism. Coping mechanism. Okay, you're good. I'm disassociating. Wow, I just went into shame. Wow, I just shut down. There was rup. Okay. Wow. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma is take fine. You're good. We're good. Adam, I understand that you eat from trees that you're not supposed to eat from, but stay here. Show up. Be present. In that breaking point, he's not showing up anymore. Now, in order to fix that, I often have to go back to that original breaking point when it happened. It's when the pieces splintered to parts splintered from each other because that's the moment it broke. And if I'm not ready to face that moment, how can I ever bring it back? That moment becomes the defining intuition of my life. It becomes the most essential story that I need to run and I sometimes have to go back to that very moment again and stay present. And I want to tell you that the pain of that could be so intense to the point that the disassociated self will at that point bring out two major powers to defeat your healing process. Number one, it will tell you you're going into psychosis. You're going to become insane for the rest of your life and you're going to have to be an institution. When that doesn't work, it's you're about to die. And it hopes that with those two things, you're going to become back to sanity and put on your mask again and just live the beautiful, dysfunctional, functional life you lived. And it's at that moment I have to surrender all of that and say, "Okay, okay." It's a trust that comes from the deepest deepest soul where you could find God in the core of the pain and really surrender that you want to say I'm going to be insane. Okay, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. It's really ne and that's the moment where at your breaking point you could say wow you could stay present and there is love. God says I know you ate from the tree but I did not run away from this garden. I want to take a walk with you where are you? I want to take I want to have fun with you. Life is about relationships. Life is about connection. Life is ultimately about the deepest bliss that comes from the connection of the creator and the creation to the point of the deepest deepest con. That's the whole purpose of everything. I was perfect. I was infant. Why do I have to create a world? It's the relationship with you. But a relationship means with you. Not with masks, not with your fakeness, not with your coverups, not with your layers and layers and layers. I don't need that. There is that whole discussion was this inevitable you know it's on so many different levels the med says in paras that the say which means god's uh liel his scheme his alah ala is like alil man his his his liel on people is awesome so the med says as follows the was give was written 2,000 years before the world was created in the it said people die. So why did he tell Adam the day you're going to eat from the tree you're going to die when it's 2,000 years before he planned it and he says it was all a scheme. It was all a game. He says he planned it before and then he blamed it on Adam. Now what what's the meaning of this med? What was it's like well you saw you blaming me. What's all this about? It's a very deep idea that there's so many layers of consciousness. Of course, on one level, Adam and Kava had agency, right? That's why it's called a sin. They weren't robots. On another level, somehow this was a deeper plan of how human humanity develops. And both are true. There's many many different layers. There's the layer of God's knowledge and there's the layer of human choice. There's the layer of God's providence. Today in physics, there's something called quantum mechanics. And suddenly, we realize that paradoxes make much more sense than nonp paradoxical realities. In quantum mechanics, everything so many things are paradoxical and you have to open yourself up to the fact that logic does not define reality. Science used to think that reality is defined by logic. Today it's like a joke. It's like the deepest layers of reality. Logic has nothing to say about it. Logic shuts down because it's like subatomic particles are moving clockwise and counterclockwise simultaneously. >> Now imagine something moving this way and while it's moving this way, it's moving this way. Can you wrap your brain around that? Can you wrap your brain a child being older than a parent? Can a child be older than a parent? Right? Is it possible that water doesn't get wet? Can you clap with one hand, etc., etc.? I'm not going to drive you crazy in this class at the moment. It's not my point. The the the issue is there something called in physics Schroinger's cat where a cat is dead and alive simultaneously. The point is that logic suspended them. Now the Gomorrah says in page 21 that in the in the holy of holies the space of the did not occupy space which means if you measure the holy of the holies till the from one side till the other side was like the was not there but if you measure the it did occupy space theor says exactly its dimensions so it was something that occupied space and didn't occupy space simultaneously logically we shut down in quantum mechanics these are constant realities that they observe scientifically ly and not with religion. This is pure literally pure physics. Light is it a particle or a wave? So they used to think it's a particle then they saw it's a wave and now they decided it's a particle and a wave and then they decided to look at it and they saw that when you observe it it collapses into one modality because it cannot handle because your eyes can't handle the paradox. So it does you a favor and it collapses into one reality. So imagine God's world has its own reality but when we look at it it's ch it changes. It's crazy stuff. And this is true about the entire universe. It only teaches us that the layers of reality are so multifaceted and multicomplex. And the real experience of reality comes through surrendering my expectations and surrendering the need to understand. So in that moment of splintering, I go into that shame. Ayaka. Hashem says the name word ayah is why do you think you have to hide from me? just because you made a terrible mistake. If you could still stay here, we could fix mistakes. But the shame that you have for mistakes that could never be fixed, right? One of the great I think was the s of he said the worst yet there's we say in dinger senu there's the satan in front the satan in the back. I understand the satan in front. He's my tour guard. Come, come, let's go here. Let's go here. Let's go here. Okay. There, there, there, there. I understand what's why is he in the back of me? What's he doing? So he says, there's the Sultan before me who slepts me to sin. And then there's a Sultan behind me after I sin. He's like, "Oh, wow. What a dirty person you are. Wow. What a mug now. Wow. Sick. Oh my." Oh, you're doing Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. You do it every year. Yeah. Rashana. Yeah. Okay. we know who you are. And he speaks in the name of honesty. He says, "Come on. You think you're fooling anybody?" He says, "That sultan is much worse than the guy in the front." The guy in the front says, "I made a mistake." But that guy, you can't win. It's the shame. How do you fix that? How do you fix that? Said something very powerful. He said, you know, after it's the end of there's a cleansing, right? We did nine times. People confessed. They did sh God says the day of forgiveness. What's the first thing after people? What are the opening words of my what? I thought I was forgiven. I fasted all day. I'm starving. And then you go to way. Excuse. How many sins did I commit between the and my You could say, well, maybe you gossiped in the middle. But nobody gossips cuz they're starving. In fact, if we wait for my extra 2 minutes, people go crazy. They're starving. I get it. So there's no conversation. The only time in a there's no conversation. They're just dinging time to eat. What's this? Who sin? They finish. So it's like you we're like we're like condemned to sin. What is this? Like we are essential sinners. Said open your hearts. He says the great sin after nilah is that we're asking forgiveness is that so many people don't believe they were forgiven. They're still busy with the shame. They don't really believe it. He he was identifying this because this is not about something I do. This is not something I could do on the checklist. I'm going to make a then every day tell I'm going to do this beautiful. This is much more essential. This is something that is rooted in the depth of my psyche, the depth of my character. I may not even be aware of how much it guides me. And yet it undermines the depth of the relationship. And that's why it says in zoar that there's two levels of chuva. There's chuva and there's chuva. Chuva means the lower level of chuva. The baseline of chuva. Chuva is like the second floor like elon the higher level of chuva. What's this? Either you do chuva or you don't do chuva. We have to understand this so profoundly. There's one shuva that we're used to talking about and that focuses on details. It's like a checklist. It's like when somebody re-evaluates their life, their schedule and they say, "Okay, this is a mistake I made. This is a mistake I made. These are patterns that I want to change. These are behaviors that I need to enhance. These are cabalos things I want to accept in myself. These are things I want to abstain." And that's very, very granular and detailed. And the more detailed the better because you make it real. It's visceral. It's integrated. There's a schedule. There's a plan. And there's also I have remorse for the past. I make a resolution for the future. There's something called vid. I confess and you're forgiven. But that's the lower level of chuva. Chuv is the inner shame that I really feel disconnected at my core which is the cause of so many things. And if I spend my entire life on chuva tata, I'm often missing the key issue and that is can you return to the self pre the breaking point. Can you start drawing a portrait of the self that is very different at least like the obser objective observer at least that can you do that? I say I can't I can't this is who I am. This is how my brain thinks. That's why chu means the ability to go into the essence and to see that sometimes the deepest blemish that I have is that I think that I'm blemished. Sometimes the deepest thing I need to do chuva on is the fact that my unworthiness is so embedded in the depth of the psyche and it takes on so many forms. By some people it takes on the form of they're very loud and controlling and arrogant. Now by some people it takes on the form they're very quiet and very insecure and very timid and very reserved. But it's really the same thing. One is compensating for their worth worthlessness by what's the word? >> Drama. >> Drama creating a ruckus. And others compensate for it by nobody sees me. I'm half dead. Don't notice me. I never looked. I never came. I never went. I never did. I never did. Just not not not boom call. >> They died before the condition. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now this all happened on how do we approach this? How do we approach this level of chuva? See, this level of chuva is always with a baseline of positivity and it's sometimes so deeply missing by people because people talk to their students or their children or themselves. You know, chuva chuva chuva is a beautiful concept and it's a very positive concept. Of course, it's the ability to fix to repair. But what we often don't realize is the biggest chuva is aka I want you. You You stop telling me how bad you are. Start telling me how good you are. Don't tell me. Feel it. Can you feel your light? They're like, "What? My light? Do you know how many sins I have? I went into hiding long ago." And Hashem says one word. What the tree really did was it didn't only represent the fact you made a mistake. It created a consciousness that deep deep down I feel that there's a mistake in my existence. And what it really comes down to is I cannot show myself the way I am. I have to put on clothes. What do clothes represent? It's not just physical clothes. It's emotional clothes. I have to dress up. I always have to dress up. I cannot allow myself or God or anybody to see that self that is below. those layers. I can't. It's too scary. It's too overwhelming. Wow. What is it? What is it? Is what it is? Isra is the tree of self-consciousness. The tree that really made me believe that I am separate from Hashem. And that's the shame. There's such a shame in it. You know why there's a shame in it? Because it's a lie. Because I'm not separate. And when I believe I'm separate, it's such a shameful reality. The truth is anoid mo. You are Hashem's light in this world. You are his manifestation. But that shame of disconnection is so so deep. And to tackle it, I can't tell myself I'm so disconnected. That is the issue. It's really going back to that connection, but not through words, through an energetic experience. So here we now come to the theme of coronation. What does coronation really mean? Let's work this through a little bit. What does it mean? Rash is coming. We're going to coronate Hashem. What does exactly look like? I know what it means to coronate a president, his majesty Donald Trump or his majesty Nicholas or Paul or Alexander or this Kaiser or that Kaiser? What does it mean to coronate Hashem? If I don't coronate him, he's not going to be a king. I'm going to corate God. Okay. I think you're a king. Fine. Maybe you could do a better job. Can you heal this world? >> Hashem is your reality. >> So, what does this really mean? And why does he need me to to coronate him? And the Gmorrah says that this is Hashem's request every single year. He's begging the Jews, please make me a king. Really? I understand. Some people like to be mayors. Let's hope they don't make it. Some people like to be presidents. Some people I understand. God, you don't have anything better to do. really so exciting to be a king over the Middle East and Qatar and Afghanistan and Manhattan. So if you take a look, you take a look in your in your uh second source after the story of the Gomorrah says the words of the Gmorra. Hashem says, please say before me, you should make me a king over you. What does that look like and what does it mean? The answer is it comes right back to this issue. It's the shame that separates me. Ayaka means where are you? And the answer is I can't look at you. Why can't you look at me? Cuz you're not going to look at me cuz you're going to hate me. It's too embarrassing. One second. You We are one. We're completely one. No, we're not. No, we're not. There's something I need from you to do. Why can God make himself king? The answer is of course God can make himself king. But then he's not a king over me. Meaning my shame cannot be healed. This is only something I can bring into the relationship because this is coming from the part of me that feels disconnected. That's the whole idea of rashashana. The part of me that feels disconnected is the only part that can reconnect. God says I'm connected. I'm connected. I'm your king. I'm one with you. I got it. But I don't believe you. I don't believe you. The only part of me that can make Hashem king is the part of me that feels it's separate. I can bring that into the relationship and I nobody could force that on me because if you're forcing it on me, it's not me. So I want that you in a very very subtle way in that most internal space of your life can you go to that internal wholeness that exists pre the shame the place in you that is pre that tree and this is what we call kama you know the story of he sees fire and he sees earthquake and he sees volcano knows and he thinks it's God and God says no no no no this is not meaka it's a still inner voice of the soul what does that still inner voice look like so I want to actually illustrate it I know it looks like for me I think every person is probably a little different but you know we sometimes have this what's barrage what's the word barrage a barrage of thoughts barrage of feelings barrage of experience the common denominator is they're loud, they're anxious, they're confusing, they're overwhelming. You can't get rid of them. I mean, you could try. Good luck. When you start arguing with them, it's exactly what they want. Get into an argument, right? And 3 hours later, you're like still arguing and then I see the popcorn and I just go to the popcorn cuz I'm done. So, it's basically numbing. We can't argue. We can't take them on. It's they have messages of very deep shame and fear and guilt. But there's something else I can do. It's almost like I can have compassion for them, welcome them, surrender to the fact that they're part of me, breathe through them, and try to lean in to the co mama daka to a still almost in inaudible in inaudible inner inner voice that is at the core of your soul which says one thing. Hashem and you are one. There is love right here. You're fine. You're being cradled. You're being held. I go to heaven. You're there. I go to the abyss. You're there. 139. It's an inner inner inner music. It doesn't ar never argues. It never argues. Doesn't have to prove its point. I'm not going to convince you. I'm not going to prove it. I'm not going to. But this but that but you're not so bad. No, you're really bad. No, look at this WhatsApp you got. She's so nice what she told you. Ah, she's an idiot. But look at this WhatsApp. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The moment WhatsApp is going to prove to me if I'm an idiot, if I'm not an idiot. OMG. And I don't mean oh my Google. This is an inner voice. And the voices don't want you to go to that voice. It's like no. And by the way, and by the way, you know is coming. There's guests and sukas blah blah blah and stress becomes the name of the game. It's a very interesting thing. I heard this from somebody who was very wise but they asked me not to call them so I'm not going to quote them. But somebody said as follows. You know ytiff for many of us I don't have to preach about this to this audience becomes a time of a lot of stress especially if there's guests and there's cooking and there's cleaning and it's hard. It's not easy and it's really it's there's a lot of responsibility and sometimes when somebody will ask someone so how you feeling it's rash or it's sukas before I'm very very stressed why you stress it's rash it's and it makes it makes a lot of sense but can we take a step back and realize one second I'm stressed because of rash the whole message of rashash is can I go to a place where I don't have to be stressed can I go to a place where I say I don't have to be stressed, which is usually coming from a sense of inadequacy and it's not going to be done and it's not going to be right, but I'm actually if it's it's really Hashem's world and I'm just part of him, my job is to show up and be a conduit and do the best I can and that's it. And I don't have any other agenda. And the fascinating thing is, of course, what do our children or our friends or I guess anybody want most from us? My great recipes. You should you should eat my recipes. They're unbelievable. I mean, they're good. The recipes are amazing. But let's face it, as long as they're not starving, they're fine. There's something that's irreplaceable, and that's my presence, my love, my heartbeat. That's irreplaceable. I can make an eight course meal. Aus creme. Whether you do it Hungarian style, Ukrainian style, French style, Italian style, Vietnamese style, Israeli style, unbelievable. Unbelievable. Healthy, unhealthy, malakamas, malakim, kale or kgul. Whatever it is, it's always with a cough or a k. Of course, it's kishka kgul cake kasha vanishkas and of course cholesterol and a lot of calories. And don't blame it on kadusha. That's a little humor for the new year recipes, right? It's good. We like good food and we want good food. But the but the only real thing I can really give the people close to me is my presence, my love. So sometimes in the name of rashishana I can't have what do you mean you know how busy I am one second you know how busy I am it sounds holy to make hashem your king is exactly this this is where it is not that I take the mashem you're the king big deal it's the place of shame it's the place of stress it's the place of anxiety it's the place where the voices are come on come on and that place could you go into that spill voice and bring hashem right into that space into that space where I am overwhelmed. That's where I come in. That's where I make him a king and only I can do that. Even Hashem can do that because it's my stress coming from my feeling of inadequacy. He him doing it is just turning me into a robot. This is what we give to the relationship. This is only what I can give to the relationship. The only thing I can give God in the relationship is my insecurity. I can't give anything else. The parts of me that are divine and holy, they're good. They're amazing. The parts of me that feel disconnected, that feel shameful, that feel guilty, that's what I can bring into the relationship. My humanness, my vulnerability, my presence, my brokenness, and say here, this is who I am. Ayaka, here I am. When Hashem calls a his words is he very different than he is the response, the antidote to ayah, which we also read on Rash. Heni, I'm here. Heni, I'm present. I'm present. I'm present with everything. Here I am. And even if a voice in me says run away, I'm going to bring that inso to the relationship. There's a part of me that's telling me to run away from you. Talk about that, too. In relationships, the deepest moments happen when people who are close to each other can talk about the parts that are telling them you can't talk about these parts. Did you understand what I just said? Am I right? >> The moment you can talk about those parts, wow, that's where you heal rupture. >> The other person has to be ready, right? >> I understand. Don't try anything I say at home unless you have practiced or you know what you're doing and you're dealing with somebody who gets it or at least wants to get it. It takes two to tangle in a good way as well, right? But this is so important. Of course, we could sit down and convert today. How's the weather? Oh, it's amazing. Okay. Um Um What are you making for Rashashana? I'm making a kul a zoen aulas. It's going to be healthy. Wow. I'm making sugarless muffins. Gavaldic. I have no problem talking to you about my wife's sugarless muffins. They're amazing. They're incredible. That's why I look so good. But when I we can have a conversation, those two people, about the things that I don't want to I can't I can't I have to hide. I have to hide. I don't even know that I have to hide, but I just know we don't go there instinctively. My alarm systems go off. Stop. Don't go there. When you could bring that into the relationship and say, "Wow, this is so uncomfortable." Now, we just healed it. We went back to that space. That's don't make me a king over the parts of you that are divine. We get along there. It's fine. I'm already your king. We're part of each other. Anoid. The part of you that's not anoid mou. The part of you that says I have to run. I have to hide. I am not good. This is so uncomfortable. That's where the relationship is created. That's where God connects to you. That's the only way he could connect to you to the part that's separate. And that's why our separateness is not a tragedy. Our separateness is the only opportunity for connection that is real. Cuz if they would have not eaten from this tree, they would have never been separateness. They look at themselves, they don't need clothes. Why? Why should they need clothes? They're divine. They're divine. Why Why do they need Why do I have to cover up? The fact that I have to cover up means there's a part of me that feels so univine. And God says, "I bring it out. Bring it out. Once you ate from the tree, now just bring it out and let's deal with it and I'll show you that I'm still here. That moment that one person experientially feels that God is here when you come out and he did not flinch and he did not turn away and he does not say, "Wow, you're so ugly. I understand why you were hiding." That's our fear. The moment he doesn't flinch, I'm here. He's just smiling. Like Valterba says the king in the field that it's different. Life is different afterwards. It doesn't mean it won't happen tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll have to deal with it again. I want to tell you a memory that I have as a child. It just popped into my head and I was like, "Wow, I thank God for sending this into my head." When I grew up, I grew up in Brooklyn. You heard of that? There used to be Jews there. Couple of Jews still in Brooklyn that didn't make the migration yet to uh the spatial areas of Rockland County or Florida. mass migrations of corona, whatever it is. There was a Jew who would come every year or twice a year from Israel. He had a terrible, terrible disease. It looked like he was like in a fire in a bombing. But I heard later that it was a terrible disease and his entire body was unfortunately deformed. But deformed to such a degree that for a child like I was five or six or seven, I would walk down Kingston Avenue and I would see him and I would literally run across the street to my mother because I was afraid. Basically, he was blind and his cheeks were like bulging out and his entire body was so deformed and his lips came out. It was just a very very scary. I don't want to get too graphic, but as a kid I was frightened. And there was not then I got older and I understood you know that he's so he was actually a very sweet person and he would collect money but he couldn't see so he would walk with a stick or with a dog and people would help him and he would come every year from Israel for a few weeks. Here's now something just it's such such a ad a la and such a subtle story you know I grew up at the feet of the labba of blessed memory and the reb would come out every day 3:15 to David in a small sh if you know 770 upstairs is a small sher and he had a table and a bench where he would sit by and from the day I remember the reb would sit down after kadusha and put his hand like this on his forehead and look in the sidd and point and just follow the kazin Word for word through the entire repetition of the of literally almost every single day and this went on for decades. He would stench as after kaduca would sit down facing the crowd on the bench his hand on his forehead in the sidd and just point till the end of ding. I mean etc. One year I think it was 1980 or 81 the reb sat down and for the first time he did not put his hand on his forehead. He had to sit there. So those who noticed, not everybody know, but those who noticed, it was like he literally did it every single day. I remember he would be like this. It was a very majestic view, you know, has a face of a Malik. He was looking like this and he just to the next day was back. But then the next day again not like for a week or two was on and off and and there was Baka was wondering nobody would ask the I mean what's his private life? Why he go like this? But there was one yes who understood by the reb everything was he wasn't st if he picked up his hand didn't he understood that there's something here. So the next time he decided he's going to look around what's happening in the zal and then he saw something fascinating this person this deformed person every time he came to Mina the Reb did not put his hand on his forehead and then he realized that even though he was blind the Reb was probably concerned that he might think that it's hard because people were it was hard to look at him that he that he doesn't want to look at And even though he himself wouldn't see but just you know somebody could say the Reb took off his like he could hear that and he saw whenever he wasn't in the room he went back to his regular custom that he was doing I don't know for 40 years when he was in the room not he didn't want he should have that feeling so it was a sensitivity to this man but it's also with all of us we all have our emotional deformities and we are so afraid that God doesn't want to look at us and Therefore, I don't want to look at me. There's a part of me doesn't want to look at me. Is can you bring me into there cuz I am not flinching. I am here. And when you could trust that and in the beginning it's trust. I have to surrender all of my experiences because they're very deep. That shame is deep. And then we began to heal that rupture that happened on the first rash. And as a result of that, it's not just, it's law. And once I have that chuvah, then automatically the checklist changes. The moment I'm liberated from that inner inner shame, fear and guilt, now I respect myself and my divinity too much to engage in things that are just superficial, false, and maybe attractive, but so so meaningless. So if you'll take a look, we say every day of lim chapter 27 right over there says you seem I ask you to sit in the house of what does that mean? We say twice a day. This is what David is asking to you my heart says search for my face for your face God I'm going to search what is this about this is exactly what he's addressing and that's why we say it the month before and all the way throughout the beginning of tish my heart speaks to you and says I need you to help me and all of us search for my face, my pun. The word pani comes from the word pimus because the face captures the internal energy of a person. If I look at somebody's back, I don't really see the difference between one person and other person. But your face captures your mood, your unique features, your eyes, your pain, your joy, your glee. A person's face is the home that embodies so much of their in internal personality. Pov the says look for my plemas not for my I need me I need to be able to go into the cold mad dhaka to that subtle subtle voice in which I can experience my intimacy with Hashem beyond and deeper than all of the other voices beyond the rupture that happened with the tree of self-consciousness the word means the tree Not of knowledge. Knowledge is not a bad thing. It's a tree of knowledge that becomes self-conscious, self-consciousness, which is the core of shame. I'm not in flow anymore. Poi, search for my pun, for my pious. What's that? What does the pimeus look like? That's that still subtle inner voice that you can experience. It's very, very subtle and it just tells you everything is going to be all right. You're my child. In your spine, you may feel like you're being cradled and your heart is at a sense of expansiveness and there's like a vibe of love that flows there. Yeah. But, but but but that makes sense. All the butts are there and we don't argue with the butts. But then we just lean in in a very meditative um composure in a very uh internal state of serenity. And we just allow ourselves to experience that moment of intimacy with our inner self, with our inner soul, with our inner God, where there is no shame, where there's no fear, where there is no guilt, not because I don't have responsibility, not because there's people in my family who are not struggling, not because there's no challenges, not because there's no pain, not because I understand everything. It's not about that. It's not a logical mathematical conclusion. But it is an inner knowing in which you are connected to a core. You are channeling a source where you just there's trust. And the reason there is trust is because Hashem is our reality. We are part of that reality. Exactly how it's going to work out. How everything has to play itself out. I don't know. And I'm even fine with not knowing it. I don't need to know. There's an innocence there. There's a purity there and it doesn't shut me down. How do I know this is real versus just a fake version of it with in that space you will always feel your heart literally physically expanding a little bit opening up. You will feel a love. You will also feel a softness. You'll feel a gentleness. And that will flow to yourself and to the people around you. It doesn't create more isolation. It always creates more connection with those people you need to connect with and those people who need that connection and yearn that connection a real way. But how do I even get to pite? The answer is what's the connection? I want to look into your face. I don't want to hide. I'm ready to look into your face. Look at me. I'm coming out. Are you going to run? Are you going to flinch? Everybody knows the most healing moment in a relationship is when the person comes out of the closet. When the person comes out of the hiding, when the person comes out of the bushes and they're like, "He nen, here I am." The worst thing that I can do then is, "Why'd you come out? Go back." When you're vulnerable, when you brought that out and it's not embraced, it's like, "Oh, you we you're'll never do it again. You'll never do it again." In fact, most children do this a couple of times and then they're like, "Never again. Never again." And we learn, we learn so fast what you say, what you don't say, how do you get love, how you don't get love, what to show, what not to show. Oh, in this house, we're not babies. Babies cry. We're not cryb babies. And that poor baby says, "Okay, we're not allowed to be babies. We're going to be adults." And 55 years later, they're still crying like a baby, but nobody's allowed to see it because we're not babies. We're not babies. And as I always tell my male students, those of us who were not allowed to be babies when we were babies remain babies throughout our life. Those of us who were allowed to be babies when we're babies, we can one day hopefully grow up as adults. And it's never too late to be a baby. God, show me your face. And he says, I'm here. Of course, I'm here. I was waiting. I never left the garden. You threw me out of the garden. Says, you threw me out of the garden. For me, this was always my connection with you. It was always how beautiful you are. It was bliss. I actually created this place to be in a garden. A garden is not a place you go to because you have to. You know that nobody goes to the New York Botanical Gardens unless you work there as a security guard. But if not, why do you go to the botanical gardens? The answer is it's a place of leisure. It's a place where you go to hang out. It's a place where you go to see the beautiful. Why is all creation in a garden? Cuz that's what it is. It's I want you. Why? I just want you. There's no why. There's no why. This is it. This is it. I want you. I want you. Me. Oh, you want my mitzvah? You want me to show up? I want you. Oh, why are you screaming? Okay, you don't want me. You want that? This distortion happens right then and the garden now is not a place of both of them together. So becomes the was trying to recreate that garden. So as I want to search for your face and as I search for your face, I could see the presence. I can feel the presence when I come out. And then we can go into that space of oneness which is filled with infinite love and inner redemptive consciousness. So I want to bless you at the cusp that's the word at the cusp of a new year that all of us should be able to really have the courage and most importantly the fortitude the serenity to be able to go into that real space where there could be so much perception of distance and alienation in whatever form it comes from and bring hashem right into there into that rel and again I'm going to say this it's always very it's subtle it's subtle it's not what I Today it's an energetic experience in my nervous system where it allows me to let go. Let go and let God in. And may it be a year in which you find for yourselves and your loved ones the most amazing and incredible blessings materially and spiritually in the most revealed way. A year in which Hashem fulfills all of your heart's desires for you and your loved ones. for you and for all of the Jewish people and for the whole world in a year of complete victory and redemption. I also want to thank all of you for this and the privilege throughout this past year. Quite an intense year for the Jewish people and for the Jewish world and for so many of us individually. very intense year, extremely intense year to for this and opportunity to be able to learn together and grow together and to be able to be channels and ambassadors for Hashem's infinite love, wisdom, healing, and redemption. Please remember next week there's no class. In two weeks there is a class. Have a wonderful year. >> I didn't do the end. I know I didn't do the end because I didn't get to it. >> There's time. >> It would have gone another half an hour and it wasn't it wasn't the right thing. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> We had we had our great neck. >> Welcome. Welcome. How are you? >> Arabian came for the mental health events ago. >> Yes. Yes. We met. >> Thank you. >> And she she's always on the team even if she can't make it. >> Oh, amazing. Thank you. >> Thank you. Good to see you. Thank you for coming and to you and your families and all the blessings. >> Thank you for everything you do. I know you don't like when I say it public sometime you're private. >> So I thank you for the opportunity. >> We really appreciate you making the journey. I know it's not an easy week and thank you for gracing us. >> Amen. Amen. regards to great mother. >> Exactly. I just want to say thank all the way from Montreal. >> Oh, wow. >> From Montreal. She came from Montreal. Wow. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Well, what's your name? I'm sorry. >> Thank you for coming.