Breaking the Silence: Suicide Prevention and Coping with Loss in Jewish Life

welcome to another episode of positivity I'm very excited to be here with Joe farcus uh coach and somebody that recently just started his own podcast and I personally love to bring on someone like that congratulate them many of the people that we've had on the podcast here are young uh young uh young to the to the detainment and the business yeah so um I'm I'm excited to bring him on and here in a sense why you opened the podcast but also to discuss a topic that's very very um you know in a sense controversial now and um that comes in light of recent uh suicides that that people it just it became a little bit too difficult to hide at this point and I'm not going to I don't think we have to focus on the on suicides necessarily but to focus on these people that are feeling really low in life how to go on what to do who to talk to um where does that come from like why does it happen what's going through their mind is it common that a normal person a regular person should be you know feeling that low and get to that place um or is it something that you're like born with a little bit to dive into it and then of course for that person that is feeling now at his lowest and he's having these negative thoughts and he's thinking of the worst to give them the physic as well so um tell us introduce yourself a little bit what what do you do why did you start this and then we'll get into the topics so first of all thank you for having me pleas um what well I am uh a push to eat a regular guy okay I lived my life like everybody else and at one point in time I felt like uh it's just um I just don't I didn't feel it I just didn't feel I was just running after my own tail every day I was a sh Le and EST and I uh we had matah we had everything and but I didn't I didn't really feel it so at one point in time I decided that um I also was involved in certain relationships that did not work out for me I found myself being in a place that uh I didn't like where I am marriage or work cuz I heard you saying Rel it was work business it was you see what happens is that you have to understand when it comes to because my is narcissism okay when it comes to narcissistic and codependency relationships it's not only one you're attracted to the same thing over and over again so which means that if you are let's say in a relationship in business with somebody you find yourself being a codependent yeah you'll go to uh another relationship with a friend and it's also going to be codependent The Narcissist because the codependent is attracted to the narcissist on a tremendous level and narcissist is attracted to the codependence it's a terrible it's a poisonous dance and sometimes the person who's not educated if you're not aware of what's going on you're like you know what is going on over here but if you start to identify yourself and you see your patterns and then you learn about there is such a animal called narcissist so then you start seeing so I saw this in my life and um I said I have to do something about it so I did and I worked hard I did a lot of inner work a lot of uh I uh I I put in a lot of effort and research and I read about it and I really put my mind to it and I learned the term narcissist and codependency and since then I helped myself and I got out of it and also I'll tell you I uh what what is very important and we're going to get to this idea with uh suicide is that um the bun has to come into your life you have to live a life with meaning if you don't live a life with meaning you're GNA run after materialistic things you know I love cars I love nice houses I love everything but I bring in the into the car I bring in the into the house if you're life if you don't live a meaningful life you're going to end up and not understanding what life is all about it's going to be about cars and money and friends and materialistic things but it doesn't fulfill you it does not fulfill you money money will not make you happy and people say this oh let's see first have money first and then tell me if money is not going you can say it you know they always say that but it's not true money the if you live with the that's what I want to get to is that if you live with SH and you are you get up in the morning you're a grateful person money is going to come to you people eat dip every shabas there's not one shabas that a person when hungry yeah it's just that we're looking at other people we're we're looking for images we we we care what the neighbors are going to say what the community is going to say so that that is very important because you have to find yourself you have to be you have to love yourself from the inside and when you love yourself from the inside couple that up with spirituality which is very very important this is how I live my life and to change my life 250% and you can live in giden in this world some people walk around and it's G and obviously with the suicides that is going on this is mish pandemic it's it's serious business for a person to actually do something like that but if you want to live in giden there is a way how to live in giden right so that's that's really you know somebody was asking me my friend was asking me like I told him I'm going to do a few podcasts regarding regarding the suicide situation and then and then he's like your podcast is called positivity this is a negative subject like what so I said just the opp so right like at the end of the day the outcome of this is going to be the positivity of course I truly believe and I've seen it for myself in my journey that I've seen the lows I've seen the highs I haven't seen everything yet obviously and in a sense I'm excited let's see what happens right the the the highs and lows and whatever but I have noticed what it means to come out from living in the dark living in in a place where you feel like you don't know what your next day is going to be like waking up and feeling like why did I wake up going to sleep and feeling like the day was just so hard to survive and stuff like that um I wouldn't say I was ever suicidal but at sometime I had many times where for months I was questioning like what is the point of life like and but I just had a strong belief that's things will change and it did but now I feel like when I talk to people that are struggling I feel like I'm living such a good life um and part is just because of my consistency that I do like I have a very fear a very big Fe of falling back so that fear pushes me to be consistent with the things that I do like journaling cult plunge therapy the coaches that I have my connection with Hashem daving all these things that I have on a day-to-day schedule is because I have this fear of falling back and that's okay I feel like it's okay to live that way and a sense anxiety and fear is what protects us in our life but I also know what it means to live a life of Joy excitement every day waking up and saying okay what are we going to do today um and I just feel truly blessed and I want to bring people to that place that being said I don't understand all the struggles I don't understand why are people struggling and I think that that's where you perfectly come in as a coach certified coach you deal with people every day you have this perspective you have this perspective on life what is happening why is it that I get hundreds of messages of people struggling like what is it what's the struggle you you have a podcast called the struggle why why are they struggling can you explain to me in one word why they struggling is it like outer circumstances is it inner circumstances is it their Bel patterns what's up I'll explain it to you so so let's talk about suicide first so the first fact you have to understand is that nobody wants to die Okay the reason why a person is committing suicide is because he wants to stop the pain right it's not they're looking forward to die nobody wants to die okay it's about stopping pain so it's nothing different than alcohol and drugs is just on a different level which means that person so in suicide there's also two types of there's intentional suicide and then there's unintentional suicide which is a subject for itself which means that if a person uh overdoses you know they're playing with drugs and Al they're playing with drugs and all these other things and there's you know it was laced with pentanol it's crazy what's going on on the street so that is an unintentional one which is sad and it's a subject for itself okay but we're talking about the intentional ones there's also two parts in intentional ones there is mental health which if this is the case if you find somebody who is has a serious problem which has you know a mental health problem as far as medically yeah that person needs professional help that person you you know there's ways how to do it people think they don't parents or people don't want to bring up the subject they don't want to talk about it because I don't want to give ideas to the person they say it's not it's not true talk to the person because you can save someone's life if you feel that somebody's withdrawn he's not doing what he has to do he's sleeping and he's not going out and he's not excited it doesn't he's not himself you can ask about suicide it's not a problem but here's the thing so if a person needs help professionally medication and stuff like that you need to do this because this is crucial as crucial can get okay then there is depression and anxiety and people who feel believe it or not the biggest reason for suicide is isolation isolation means that a person feels lonely now what is lon lonely can mean everything if a b is thrown out of Yesa and he feels that he's out of uh he's alone nobody wants him the community doesn't want him he has no he has no self-esteem now he lost all his self-esteem and he feels lonely nobody needs me nobody's checking in with me nobody wants this is a huge pandemic this loneliness and it will kill people and we are not careful enough about it I mean I'm schools people are taking kids and not taking kids even in everywhere this is a punishment that goes back ostracizing throwing somebody out putting somebody in is going back in the years and years for a punishment so isolation is huge but here's the thing what I'm trying to what I'm trying to when I teach people and when I people talk to me is it's all rooted in self-esteem loneliness if a if a person is lonely if a person is lonely the reason is that he forgot who he is he forgot what he brings to the table he forgot that he is the's child you see friends is very important it says can you have to have you have to be part of a community people say there are loners we don't need anybody I'm dependent but all this stuff is very nice community and uh your Shield where you go to and you want to be uh you know acknowledged and all these this is first where's the self-esteem where's the self-esteem the self-esteem comes first so now this is how a person has to has to live because he's afraid his people pleasing because he's afraid his friends are going to not accept them if a person has self-esteem and he knows who he is and he's okay if he looks in the mirror and he says I like what I see I'm enough I'm good this is the way the makes here the comes in because if you have the with you and you have a clear head and you know I have a job I get up in the morning what am I doing it there's no such thing you're bored what do you mean you're bored what are you doing now what's what do you do the next hour what you do there is when you do that you start working on yourself you're magnetically going to pull the people to you because people want to be next to a positive person people love it so the idea is not to sit and have no self-esteem and look at other people look at social media and see o this guy has a nice carard this guy has a business only I'm not doing it this comes from a very bad place and people don't like it so loneliness is a big part of suicide a big part of but the root problem is the self-esteem everything is in self-esteem the same as I'm a very I'm a huge advocate uh drugs and alcohol is by me the biggest no no ever and weed is normal now people are like well you're crazy well weed big deal it's this it's that everyone but what's the reason the reason is you're running away from something and that's suicide on a bigger level on a bigger level because these people did not see light by the end of the tunnel but there is a way there is a way if you change the way you think if you start accepting yourself and it really does not matter where you come from and it doesn't matter what your parent it doesn't matter what another person thinks it matters who you are you bring something to this you need it and every person add something to this world if you didn't find out what you add to this world then go find out this is what it is I'm adding something yeah everybody in a different way not everybody can get up and talk not everybody can do certain things but whatever you can do in your little circle another thing which is how do you build your self-esteem people is the million dollar question how do I build a self-esteem I want to have a self-esteem this world is a world of giving it's a world of growing if you are here to take you will be in a circle you will run around and buying materialistic things all day and I don't care how much money you have I don't care if you have a second home a third home you will be miserable yeah miserable it doesn't matter but all these things after you have self-esteem and you have a second home being my guest but not before you have self-esteem that shouldn't be the reason that you are you're building your self-esteem on you know what I have you know what I own doesn't matter same as as the P you see that's why marriage you are not you cannot be a bigger Giver only in marriage a parent to a child is the biggest Giver that's what the world is all about that's why it's so important so when someone is married he is automatically a giver if he's married and he knows how to navigate the marriage right yeah he is a giver you give to your children it's about giving all day giving giving and growing that's all it is but but the second you don't know that and you're all about looking at other people comparing yourself to other people then I'm a loser right so just to sum up a little bit what you said um I asked you why so many people are struggling you said there's a loneliness epidemic which I 100% agree and that is coming from them not even being connected with themselves because they don't believe in themselves so that's why automatically they're not that they are not going to attract more people and the way to attract more people is to build your self-esteem and the way to build your self-esteem is to notice that it's not based on the material things on the outside it's to notice who you are on the inside without anything you being naked is is good enough and you can just see yourself for you now this is where I have an issue okay which you know my good friend um schnitzler he used to talk about this all the time he was like what are they tell these kids correct in Mo and everything got better so I'm not I'm not going to go backwards we're going forward but that's what I said before there is no in the curriculum especially where we come from or espe you and I spoke to and I speak to a lot of people in the curriculum there's two things missing in our curriculum okay like you know I'll say it the way it is MHM there is no education about right and there's no education about self-esteem they'll talk about they'll talk about the gur they'll talk about the shirt the right the left they'll talk about very important things but what does it do for me as far as self-esteem what does it do for me when I have a struggle and I want to talk to Theon I want to feel that I have somebody to talk to and someone has my back and it's okay and I don't have to live up to the Joneses or I don't need to I don't care what you have to say say but you saying or thinking about me a certain way means nothing to me literally nothing so these are two subjects that you were mentioning that are not taught right because it's a given that there is Aon MH but they start there is you realize that if someone can't talk about that obviously means that they don't have a relationship with them so I was asking somebody once and I was asking why are the kids not being thought in about that there if a kid has anything he has a problem he can't share it with anybody or he wants to pour His out out and he's crazy grateful for for the and why don't they teach this the kids it says the M doesn't believe in it% because he wasn't taught and I can tell you why by the way I read this there's a book called conversations with God and he gave me the best analogy on this he said that the reason people don't want to develop a relationship with God is is because they would much rather take a version of God that somebody else created and just follow that so when they tell youed that God is the version of this long white beard sitting on his chair and just watching everything and wanting to punish us it's easier to believe in that than to go believe in your version of God which is the the truth that he's a loving uh father accepting and no matter what we do he's here with us a lot of talk about by the way this version of God they also don't teach us but the point is that it's a lot easier to believe in in in a version than to create your own version right and I encourage people to find their version of God cuz God everyone is different just like a parent basically we have to become we have to become Bas again we have to find the on our own because we're not that's not what we're talking about you're not going to find this in school yeah and that builds self-esteem on a tremendous level because if a person knows that this is meant to be I'm here for a very short period of time I'm going to be in my dalad Damas I'm not asking you to turn over the world in your dalad Damas become a giver become a giver to your wife become a giver to your kids become a giver to the people around you MH this is what fulfillment is this is meaning if it's not going to be meaning you're going to run after I don't know what to people who don't know what they're doing you're embarrassed or you want to impress people who don't know what they're doing either they also don't believe in anything and they're also running around because they they're embarrassed of their neighbors so you're not living an authentic life right to live an authentic life means build this relationship we were born into this Weeden get a relationship with it's important if you have this relationship with you live a meaningful life you know why you're here you know that this is going to come to an end one day and you're trying to be the best version of yourself every day I'm not saying perfect but every day you have to ask yourself am I better than yesterday you spoke a little bit less Luan harder today than yesterday great but the idea is have a plan have a picture people are half of the people's problems is their image on the street I'm a loser I I I I failed at this so what so what if you failed start again who if you if you take out the people from the outside from the equation you'll get the people going yeah because this is huge yeah I I it's beautiful that you're saying that and nobody ever uh spoke about it so specifically um there there's a there's a girl that I talk to and um you know from a very background and she was telling me that despite all her struggles like growing up and whatever she had with her family and you know is she created this relationship with God and she doesn't see anything else said like there's there can be all these things are very nice very nice tradition after you have a relationship connected those are the happiest people I talked them I cried them I and I was so inspired I was like wow this is this is the answer to everything and also like how much pain did you have to go through to realize that yeah that that is unfortunate that's going to happen people find their bun in pain but I feel like I feel like if I can only tell all the people that are messaging me cuz I get the messages from young kids that are telling me give me a reason to live and I I don't know what to tell them honestly the reason is that they don't know who they are correct they don't feel they something if only I can tell them right but if only I can tell them like just talk to Hashem like just and I once had that I'll never forget there was this girl messaged me also a young girl and she was like I'm struggling I don't have anybody I don't know what to do I said let me give you one simple trick has worked for me every single time I want you to talk to Hashem and ask him for a sign the next morning she messed me she said I tried it and it worked and I hope she's doing well I haven't heard from ever but I'm just saying the point is that to all these people that are messaging me and struggling and stuff like that I wish that I can the one trauma that I can remove it's not usually the parents not usually the surroundings It's usually the god it's called the god wound they told them something else about God and my personal therapist has also told me this many times every time I tell her that I struggle with my self-confidence or in relationshipsi you simply have a god wound she calls it and um and it helped me a lot it helped me notice and she told me what happens is and I think you're going to like this is that when you have a god wound and you don't feel the validation and love from God suddenly you find yourself looking for that validation from all the other people in the wrong places like you said drugs alcohol or people she said specifically people cuz you're not connected to God so if you can't take his love you need to take love from other people people ask me always how do I talk to the sh I can't you see I'm very much uh attached to's teachings yeah that helped me a lot M saved my life beautiful so the idea is that I tell people sometimes says it if you don't have what to say say this I don't have what to say I have I I can't open my mouth I don't have a relationship with you yet and I can't can you help me open my mouth that is the best F ever to start but I'm going to tell you um how in and is B this easy way if for people who want to listen of how to talk to the it is a three-step process and it's dynamite enlighten me it works like this I'm listening very easy you find a place of course to talk to theam the best is if you can go in a place in the woods or whatever or whatever you find if you're comfortable in a room and nobody it's not meant to nobody for nobody to listen to It's meant for you and the P your heart out but it's a three-step process and it's very very clear and Simple and Clean the first thing you get up is gratitude now if you want to get into gratitude like crazy you will not stop because if you get up and you tell the that's how you get up and then when you get up and the first thing is I had a good night of sleep I also went to the toilet and everything worked and then I also have my ears are still working my eyes are working these are two cameras that is unbelievable and my brain tells my feet when the red light comes on to to break if you want to get into it will see that every body part in your body is working you start giving gratitude to that you have children and you're married and you you you're under a roof and you ate and you're not hungry and the Nazis are not here and you live you have police that ambulance everybody's here for you to serve you if you want to get into gratitude you can go crazy right so you you have this list and you train it's an exercise step number one is gratitude first before everything the Sun the the G the the trees the grass gratitude for everything that's step number one step number two is you tell the listen I wasn't I want to be better than I was yesterday so it's a form of CH that means I could have been better yesterday so now I'm going to try to be a better you I'm trying to be a better so the first step is gratitude and the second one is being humble being you know what I know I can be a better person I I I spoke over here over I'm going to try not on tomorrow so it's a comes humble and the third one is not to ask for materialistic things ask for self-confidence ask for your mental health ask for a ask for because when you have that you already have everything it doesn't matter how much money you have in the bank because if you believe that what wants from you then I want this and that's it we want the same thing we're not arguing you see suicide is fear suicide is giving up is telling you don't know how to run the show I know how to run the show if I would be here I would be gone you just gave up in the your relationship with is severed because you have fear so in your daily routine you have these three steps you thank Hashem humble you humble yourself and then you ask for the real things not for the money not for the second home not for fun that's not what I want I want self-confidence I want I want peace I want my mind to leave me alone I want to feel comfortable you do this every day and then you do it on your own language and you do it on your own everybody has their own life to do it so let's say if you want a you tell the listen I want a of course I want a wife and I want all the goodies that comes with marriage but I really want to be a giver I want to do the right thing I want to be fulfilled so help me make my mind putting D in my mind that I should like I should sett myself and I you know what this is the one and I believe in you because it's easier to make a decision that way you see it's a huge Rome wasn't built in one day so if you start from the beginning and you have this relationship with you tell the listen I trust you fully so if this girl comes into my life as a sh and I have 15 doubts I can't see myself because I know me and I'm going to get very nervous with her put it in my head I'm letting you do it surrender to the surrender completely that is the way to do it that's how you start talking to the and then you have your own personal it's nobody's business you make business with the I always say if you go to sh in the morning and you put on fil that's where the St the sales start make sales in the shield and you'll go out stuff are going to come but don't this is the starting point by you telling the I'm not starting my day without talking to you wow so that's the only way to do it and that builds self-esteem and when everything falls away there's no anxiety you throw me any problem I throw it straight back to the it's not like I don't have any problems I'm not the it's not like I have a life just like everybody else yeah plenty on my plate but I throw it right back if this is what you want I ask all the time what's next I don't cry I don't blame it is what it is I accept it and then Things fall into place yeah so there is light but the end of the tunnel it is the suicide is all about thinking the mind is a powerful organ in the human body the mo it's the motor of the car you can have a BMW but if the motor is gone it's gone there's no you can have a nice car but it's gone MH the mind can take you up to sh and it can also bring you down to the ground but the gift that gave is that you can control it you can control the thoughts it's an exercise but you can you can't have two thoughts at the same time you know this is a fact you can't think negative and positive at the same time so you can choose to think positive so if you do that you make that exercise for the same amount of money it doesn't cost any money to think positive or think negative so and you have the power didn't send you here it's a war go out fight it like a dog that's not what life is all about it's just the way you think so certain things that you were wired with when you grew up and you were not that fabric you don't fit into the box so change it look at life as giden you can be those little short years that we are here in this world you could be a giden there's no reason to walk around in pain there's no reason for that well changing is uh is a big word and I agree that some people have to change their their mindset I think for me personally everything changed when I changed my uh my my mindset no ing the certain old patterns that I had and how I want to change but I want to ask you a question for the person that is struggling right now and it's as I'm saying the question I'm thinking of some of my friends that I'm consistently helping that are really struggling this one with a family situation a health situation you know single life and and they have this belief that they are a victim which is a conversation For Itself by the way like if if you truly love and believe in God then then you know that there's a reason why you're single but again for for them their struggle is still the fact that they are single um people struggling with money which is which is so difficult to understand like it's just huge it's like it's theur says like there's like if you struggle with this one thing you don't feel like a human being you can yeah like you can't be there for your for your people around you but you can't even be there for yourself you feel depleted um my question is for that person struggling right now in your opinion what is their first step what what what do they do and then I want to get the question of how can one support a person like that but let's talk to the person that is struggling right now what is their first step the first step is to evaluate themselves mhm you take a piece of paper or go go look for help go sit down with somebody and tell yourself I want to be productive I'm here not by mistake I want to be productive so you start your day how do you conduct your day all day and you start by what time are you getting up are you eating right are you start you go step by step because there is a system to this madness there's a to did not send you down and told you go knock yourself out figure it out that's not what he said right there's a system to this so you sit down and you start evaluating piece by piece I'm I'm I can't get up in the morning question is why when you're going to sleep let's start there what's bothering you I'm block I can't I don't know I this is block why is it blocking you so you open you peel away layer by layer piece by piece and you start changing your mindset but the goal has to be self-esteem right because everything every problem you bring me I'm going to find your self-esteem right everything and I once heard the best word like somebody was saying that the real way to build uh self-confidence which is a little bit different than esteem esteem is really about who you are confidence is a little bit more an outer layer but the best way to build confidence is the consistency doing something over and over again keeping promises to yourselves builds confidence that's why there are challenges and you're not looking for for there's no score you don't need to get um validation from the outside right I had here on the podcast um Sunny Pearlman Sunny Perlman is is does he works with addicts yeah he has our village our place in Brooklyn he's involved with all these stuff he say something very smart he was saying was trying to explain what addictions is you know and I'm talking about any addiction drugs alcohol whatever so he was saying that we all have love tanks we all need love just like every car has a gas tank we need we have a love tank okay the tanks are empty so the addicts the people who suffer the people who are you know suicidal the people who are not doing they're not productive they are looking for love from a wrong place which means he's saying that the healthy person that you see on the street that has a 80% full tank 20% we all look in stupid places on the phone and everybody has their own little addictions but the the atct the actual addict the guy who was struggling that you were describing he is running low on l t and what he is doing is he don't want think about it so what is he going to do is drugs alcohol and if someone doesn't see any more light by the end of the tunnel and it's so bad because they're thinking sometimes people who are committing suicide they're thinking I'm going to show them a message now they're going to need me wow let me see how they're going to react now but the Levi it's a twisted way of thinking but all it is is thinking it's all in the mind I'm not saying in severe cases I'm talking about cases that people are trying to fill their love thing that's basically what it is so okay so now my question is also how does one identify somebody that's struggling and once you know that they're struggling how can you show up for them right so here this is very important a person needs to know first of all we have to be sensitive to other people absolutely you have to feel other people the problem is that so many people shut their feelings off completely they don't care they're busy with themselves they they they look like I explained it in the video they look at the world the way they look at the world if the world is a bad place if the world is a war zone they look at it who is going to win that's it so from these people you can't even expect anything there are people who do have feelings who do have open their emotions are open and if they see something they should reach out they should you know give them a compliment you know giving is not only giving to giving means if you give a compliment to somebody you tell them it's not like you know I give it's also the biggest Soka ever that's called the being a giver a person can be home and make a phone call and send a text and give a compliment for somebody all of a sudden he's a giver so here's the thing but you have to realize one thing it's very everything has to have a balance a mother cannot blame herself that her child let's say committed suicide maybe I did something wrong I missed it it's not your fault again I'm coming back to self-esteem the mother needs to know her position in life and she did her job 250% and if something happen with her son it's not her problem and the same thing is with friends we can't fall apart that person who did what they did made a decision and it's their responsibility for the people who are alive we have to try to be a better person so be sensitive if you see someone is withdrawing if you see something is wrong try to do whatever you can but again blaming or taking full responsibility you can't you see a healthy marriage you know what a healthy marriage is when two people have a self-esteem and two people are independent not one dependent on the other like the husband thinks oh I'm helping my wife this is not a case to help this is not a business both people have to be solid so the mother has to be solid the father has to be solid everyone has to be when you have solid individuals then we can help each other you know some people fall down you pick them up but everyone is responsible for themselves so a person who sees he's spiraling downward downward that person should go for help that person should wake up and say to himself you know what this is not working for me not let Let It Go more more right go for help yourself yeah there is light by the end of the tunnel right I love that I I agree with that I think that once a person is pretty down and low I think should run for help on all fours they say there's yeah at that point it's impossible in a sense to pick yourself up you know like you need somebody to help you out yes and and if you're aware and that's beautiful and and if helps that you're surrounded with people who feel you and they want to help you and they and they but understand something you cannot be dependent on another person's not on a compliment it's all nice and dandy but after everything after the self-esteem first know who you are know who you are make a system give yourself a life try to become a giver try to grow every day give life meaning don't just go through life and like I don't care this that it doesn't matter even if it's a me some people mess up their lives badly you know MH you can still start new it's not the end of the world over there I had a journey messed up you know some people have children they don't see and some people you know problems you know because of divorces and St you can still move on this this is not a lifetime punishment this is not ganam yeah you have to you have a responsibility especially if you have a family or you have kids to be a productive Giver of a person to make this life better right beautiful um one of the things that I notice in this industry I mean and we can go step away from our community now for a second and say that in the whole world we're struggling with this there is a loneliness epidemic people are feeling alone and it's because in many parts social media it was supposed to be connecting BR us together separating us exactly so what I noticed from myself is that I made a very strong commitment to myself uh about a year ago about a year and a half ago when I was personally struggling depressed and anxious and stuff like that to have connections with certain people on a consistent basis okay so whether it's therapy or coaching or certain friends that I check in with them every Thursday every Tuesday I'm very very consistent with that because I notice that every time I talk to a friend even just asking hey how was your day and they check back with me and they say um you know oh sorry to hear about your day that that enough is validation that at least one person cares I think it was Simon syic that said like if you can he said psychologically if you have three people that are texting you good morning then you're going to be good your brain is going to process that you're okay that you're not alone and something like that so I in a sense I made it a habit for myself to do that and I have certain people that I message every morning good morning have a wonderful day just that feeling that they are are needed my question is in our community do you think we have a problem with relationships with with friendships with with going out is there something missing in this aspect being that this can be such a big help to bring people together so that they don't feel lonely okay let let me what can we do about it it's very good very important what you said you have to realize one thing but but but but this is very very important and this is the foundation what you said is beautiful absolutely beautiful to check in or someone checks in with you but again you're being dependent on that you're building a community of people who are going to text themselves and feel good and God forbid that text doesn't come one day that's not what we're looking for we want to be good ourselves we don't need nothing from anybody now I'm going to tell you something it sounds harsh but it's reality and I speak the I'm not going to tell you m yeah there is no such a thing as friends if a person has one or two who will have you back I'm talking about acquaintances or something else I'm going talk about acquaintance I have a lot of acquaintances yeah friends people throw around the word friends right there is no such a thing because the world everybody is busy and rightfully it's okay you accept it everybody's busy with themselves it's a fact if it's going to if if it Narrows down to Partners business they'll stab you in the back in 5 minutes I love people I do love people and I have very good friends but the reality the harsh reality is this is the harsh real there's no such thing as friends forget about it don't build anything on it it's paper it's not solid it's not Foundation you be the best friend all that's all you can do I am going to build myself up I'm going to know what my name is I'm going to know where I'm coming from and where I'm going and what my mission in life is now whoever wants to join this train can come and I'm going to be his friend best friend but I'm not going to wait for you to call me and tell me good morning wow and this is the key self-esteem self-esteem self-confidence self-love self-preservation that is the key to everything a person who has that does not need alcohol not by the kid shabas and not only shabas and not only Friday night and not Thursday night and not Wednesday night doesn't need it it's a fact the reason why people drink and the reason why is not the bottle and they nobody wants to kill themselves nobody wants to everybody wants to live people will pay billions of dollars for doctors to let them live who wants to die well dying is the pain is bigger than what's going on here I need to stop it it's like when you need need painkillers in the hospital you'll do anything in the world give me the painkillers I understand an addict because I had kidney stones once and I want give me anything to just to stop this and that's what these kids are doing and women women from mothers from children commit suicide was not long ago now right crazy stories but again there's nobody to blame everybody has a different story it's not like one I going to paint one brush on everything but if you want to narrow it down your thinking process is messed up and it's okay nothing happened but there's ways how to turn it the other way wow I I I yeah there's uh and I am also working on that by the way to be be there for myself to truly um give myself the time that I personally need because I think what you just said is very very powerful and I think that most people have a struggle with doing that like being their own best friend it's not easy like you have to be perfectly fine with who you are the way you are and the position you are in the place you live you see some people think if I'll move away I'll be much happier yeah that's the troubles go with you wherever you go you can go to Aruba it will go with you on the plane and'll take you straight to Aruba the same problem right you have to be first know who you are right know who you are right and another thing that I noticed and I had this thought today just this morning like in the mikah I was thinking that when we talk about friends he saying we don't have friends but I also noticed that many people call themselves friends and they give people such bad advice because I happen to agree with what you said we don't have friends to me it's like I noticed to myself how many friends and people I cut out of my life and that made me notice exactly what you just said like we don't have friends all we have is ourselves cuz I was thinking the cutting out part is extremely I notic this person yeah I noticed this person that I had this sometimes it's an uncle sometimes it's an aunt sometimes it's a family member it can be even your own brother or sister that will just completely deteriorate you will tell you like don't buy a house don't go into business don't get married don't see that girl don't see that boy like what's we have and we have to understand that some of these people are just really really bad for us very bad in the intention are so bad because they are wired a certain way let's say they're they're non-believers I call them strictly non I don't care if it goes a or he goes with the titas it means nothing to me it's an nonbeliever yeah he has a wiring in his head that he wants to and you ask him a a decision on a or something yeah he gives you a decision that has his own intention fully for his image or whatever what he thinks is right means nothing to do it has nothing to do with you I am the type of person and some you see I I happen to think that created us that way we're sponges we take over from other people feelings and emotions and I feel a room in two seconds yeah that's my it's it's a blessing and a curse at the same time but and some people who are these Macho people that no feelers they also feel yeah they just push it to the side and some are negative and some in a different place like I told you their their mindsets completely in a different place people don't understand how important to cut this negative of people away from you is this is I'm telling you the most crucial thing in the world because these people are going to bring you down to a level that you're not going to believe they will hold you down like they would hold you water underwater just for whatever they re it doesn't matter but cutting people out of your life negative people negative comments NE it doesn't matter who it is because they have their own problems to deal with and they didn't deal with it they're figure out to you and you have to identify that very very important and then cut him out let him loose and move like a train you have it's so important because people think ah it's just you know he's calling me his text I don't want to hear about you I don't want to know about I don't want your way of thinking I don't like it it's negative you're out right your goal has to be I let in positivity that's it if you bring an ons of negativity in my life you lost the privilege you say I pay for my phone yeah and I'm letting you bring me down I love you're out I have people who are blocked on my phone more than a nice number 100% block him yeah it's great I just encouraged my uh one of my close friends to block his girlfriend somebody that he knew for a very long time it's negative and it's bringing you down out yeah excuse me yeah and then that's also one of the reasons why like I personally shot my phone at 7:00 like I heard this concept like from leap melts it was like WhatsApp is like a like it's your dining room like you would never allow people to walk into your house every time WhatsApp is exact same people send you a message and they can change your mood now like in 5 seconds so I just 7:00 I shut my phone when I can handle it the next day business hours I'll listen to your message and you can say whatever you want at that time you can yell at me you can you can attack you can it's one thing to be positive and it's another thing to get the negativity out it's just as important just going around being positive all day very cute right but what about the negativity right but it's it's about boundaries absolutely absolutely and you have to have and these people put a fear in you these people have a control over your mind but really know they're Paper Tigers right they look like a tiger but they're paper right so people are going to be very curious to know a little bit more about you so I want to know so what what do you currently do you can share as much as you want I I am in uh in coaching I do uh coaching and I just 101 101 I do 101 and I have a lot of plans I I speak to Hassan I speak to kalis couples I do marriage I do anything and everything that has to do with you see in coaching the difference from a coach to a therapist is that the coach deals more and less with healthy people who are stuck in a certain place so if you need to go from A to B that's what we're going to do um if there's some serious issues like that person is really has some serious problems then I refer to a professional but if a person is is healthy pretty much you know he knows what's going on because you see the nice part about coaching is that we look at the clients that they know what the real what they need to do they know I'm not giving any advice because the second I give advice then it's my that's what I would do in my house but people don't like it I mean people like you know they say advice is like your children you like your own the best you don't want people answer's advice yeah so what we do is I try to open up that person I ask him certain questions and that person gives me the answer you know I'll ask long enough till I'll find the answer and then I will hold them accountable I like What's blocking you let's do it what's holding you back you fell let's get up you know I'll try to put some in his head how to think you know I never try to help him think but the a is his you see the difference so in therapy people need therapy because they they have Trauma from before or whatever they need very important a big proponent of therapy but my job is I'm taking people yeah business whatever the case is but really relationships my specialty is to build self-esteem which means I take a codependent a person who is looking for validation from the outside and I kill it so I am a nightmare for a narcissist because I educate the codependent I I noticed that in our conversation how how you corrected me a little bit and you are right you know my closest will tell me Ellie you don't need anyone cuz I often say yeah I have hundreds of friends and I do I have I open my phone in the morning there's like 50 messages of people hey checking in just want to say hi right but you're right it it's it takes away from me it's not being content you're looking for something else 100% you're looking for to fill to give and to be a good future husband a future father this is what life is all about right give meaning to life that's all and talk about the struggle podcast let let me give you a compliment I I told you on the messages I bumped into your podcast the one you which somebody that I do know for many years like he's great he's something else he is I always say I told him many times it was like if clol has to take a has to choose a rebba they would probably make him the Reb of Cl he's just a good person if you look at his record and stuff I don't think there's anybody that has a bad word like and I referred people to him and he always helps them and whatever special guy but I watch your podcast and I was like you have such a good way of listening not interrupting asking the right questions and your voice is like better than never knew I never knew that I had a good voice yeah so congratulations on doing the podcast how did you get to it and how did you start it's just that that was me you know I always loved people and I always loved to talk and I love I study human behavior I love it okay so I used to do this a lot I mean the people who know me in my little circle yeah um I used to do this anyway I used to talk to people and people talk to me one day I decided you know you know what you know listen let's go out to the public YouTube is huge maybe people are going to benefit from it this is my giving see and you're getting lots of views for for beginner I don't know if you have a lot of friends or just people shared it probably no no people shared it I'll tell you I had this is a family business I have my son-in-law he is my you see every coach needs a coach okay so his name is yane Rosenberg and he is my coach he pushes me he he makes he makes this thing work and my daughter is doing the editing so it's a family yeah you would believe it's a it's a team effort of of three people beautiful thank you for hosting us here in in your studio in the struggle P it's beautiful it's very exciting and we're going places and you build this from ground up everything of course yeah we did this ourselves so so this that's what the struggle is all about what is not a struggle in life but but the idea is that you can make it right who do you can we already know who you having next that M shabas you give out coming so I have people lined up you know I have why Jacobson coming wow I have some I have some big names well on your podcast shabas we're going to have man freedom is coming out this month no way did you get him here or he was sitting here wow I it was great I'm tell Manus I love them you did in English probably yeah but you got to L I love I had a mom by the way and this one is one out of the park yeah yeah did he talk a lot or you got to ask your questions no asked him questions and he spoke he's the tremendous unbelievable wisdom that this guy has he does have wisd and he understands to our generation too I remember asking personal advice regarding my dating and at that time he's very very direct very straightforward and he's funny wow he he's one of a c so I get to meet special people yeah because these are my my uh Role Models these are my the people that I study with study from how many minutes in 54 very nice okay very nice very nice um I feel like we covered a very nice wide range like the people somebody told me I have to remember who it was maybe it was my friend moong he said like he said Ellie you have to start making a summary after you finish a podcast right and um I feel like from this podcast I take out that a simple reason why people are struggling and a simple solution to that which is finding yourself again find building up that you and also connecting to theity If a person is not connected I is just very very difficult to live life because life is not a Bowl of Cherries right and we don't understand a lot of things and we will never understand and we usually are we have a nature that we want what we can't get yeah we love that but it's not that's not what life is all about what life is all about is about surrendering let your root be the you should want what the wants for you it's very interesting I'll tell you a story I was I was just arish you know he was he was here mon for for for some kind of uh he had some kind of tour he was here so he was telling a story about a a person who came to him and they that you can't have children a woman said that you can't have children so what do he do I mean he's famous for this he told her go home and say m say thank you Hashem 40 days yeah and I'm telling you you you'll be okay so she went home this lady and she said M and she said 40 days she was working and doing a thing after 40 days the husband or whatever she comes back and she says it's not working what are you talking about m 40 days yeah he sends him back and he tells her tell her that she doesn't have a doesn't have a she doesn't believe in the says what do you mean what you talking about put on shabas candles I I do everything by the book what do you mean I don't believe in the he says that you said Thank you a you know there's a big movement of thank you with all these things you used it as a zilla to get what you want give up tell the you know what you don't want to give me kids right now I'm good give it to me in six years if this is what if you want 10 give it to me in 10 if you want two months give it to me in two months you saying thank you because you you're you're you're moving the around you're telling him you're maneuvering the right he says nine months later she had a baby he was the snd that's what he said he's not lying he said he was a s he told the story wow but but but the but what's the point the point is that don't fight the don't fight give it up so when you give that up you give up all the garbage around you everything that's bothering you besides that that falls away right beautiful I love that get connected I think that that's what I did me personally with the fact that I am with the fact that I'm single is I really did that I think I surrendered to the fact that like he has a plan that's it and anytime anybody tells me something whether it's my grandparents or my uncle or whatever matter I always tell them God has a plan like than you're telling me I told them back God has a plan we know that isas is not doing anything it's not made for it's not if I do theas I'm going to do the business it has nothing to do do has zero to do with you but you have to do it as can you give me the cycle and the power to make a decision that this is the right one and when you make that decision there's no looking back there's no like if F maybe I did I did a good mistake or not yeah no as soon as you hit that then it can go wrong right bring it on what's your advice the last question relationships and money I think are the number two the two things that people either want to get a relationship or have a better relationship or they just want to have either like find the job or have a better job or have more money how do you think how does one relationship is is is very simple you are a Mas you are not a that's it in any relationship if you're in the relationship to receive pack your bags and how does one know if they're one thing to receive because why are you let's say if you are a friend with somebody and you're a friend with somebody and you don't give anything you just you just have a pleasure by being a friend for whatever the reason is if it's a girl if it's a Bo whatever the reason is what are you what's the what's the what's behind it what's behind this relationship are you helping that person or you getting something from that person is that person giving you some kind of pleasure while you're next next to the person or you feel like you know can it be a little bit of both it could but it has to you see the way it works is very interesting the is a right he's The Giver we the people are the receivers but you know what our job is and when we are the receivers we receive we have to become givers now so in the relationship is the same way you go in as a mash then if you get something back great wrong you give it but the idea is the focus has to be in relation in every relationship you take a look marriage what ever take a look you'll see is there a or two what what's going on over here two people receiving if two people receiving that's a problem okay and money how does m money is money what's the money energy what's the secret the money is like this the money is be authentic find find who you are also has to do with self-esteem the best sales people have good sales self-esteem so the money will come to you let's say if you you see you don't sell shoes you sell yourself that's all it in say they tell you this you can sell chairs shoes audio you can sell whatever you want but it's not what you sell it's the way you sell because you sell yourself so you will be successful as long as you go in with the right you know with the right mindset and you come in I love this product I know this product and you sell yourself you're responsible you you have a reputation and you want to build a relationship for the future money will come confidence money will come very nice okay guys make sure to check out the struggle podcast I'm going to put his link to his YouTube channel in the description um and if you want that can we put like your number you have an email somebody wants to work with you we'll put all the information in the description yeah um reminder to please like the episode share it with a friend that can enjoy um subscribe to the channel and also you can subscribe to the membership it's $10 a month and it really helps me out and there's exclusive content going out every mon of shab um besides the fact that it just supports the channel and it just really means a lot to me it it I truly appreciate each and every individual that is a member it just shows a closer Bond and helps support the cost of the channel so thank you so much also shout out to my very own company I didn't take sponsors for this episode um so because it's the middle of the day so I'm just going to talk about Weber media if you have a business a company um a product or a service that can benefit from Instagram or LinkedIn to expand your business and brand awareness um we would love to help you do that by setting up your account or taking over your existing account and posting cool content to reach a wider audience so the link to my personal WhatsApp is also in the description and you can reach out over there you can sign up to see my WhatsApp status as well um thank you so much Joe I really appreciate you great conversation thank you guys