Bitterness or Depression | Letter #17 of Thirty Letters in Thirty Days 5786

All righty, good evening. And uh sorry for the late start. We're going to give tzedakah Kollel Chabad Pushka app. >> [bell] >> Trying to shake it up, not shaking. >> [snorts] >> By the way, somebody asked me in the chat uh I don't know if it was last night or the night before, but I didn't see it until I already ended the live stream. Someone said, "I thought you're not supposed to give tzedakah at night according to the Arizal." So, there is such a thing according to uh the Arizal. But, I give tzedakah at night anyway. You know why? Cuz the Rebbe said you could. And the Rebbe knew about that Arizal. Actually, the Rebbe spoke about it. First of all, there's a cute story. The Rebbe said that um one time he told his father-in-law, the Friediker Rebbe, that he said, "Somebody rebuked me for giving tzedakah at night." And uh the Friediker Rebbe said to him, "Yeah, don't worry too much about it. The guy who rebuked you for giving tzedakah at night, he himself probably doesn't even give tzedakah during the daytime." And it triggered [laughter] him. He saw you giving at night, and it they made him feel bad about himself. He doesn't even give during the day. So, that's a that's a cute story. But, um yeah, the Rebbe spoke about it, and he said, "First of all, if there is someone who needs, like there's a pressing need, then you don't put it off. And uh you know, you don't tell them, 'Oh, come back tomorrow cuz cabalistically I can't give right now.' So, giving to Kollel Chabad to the uh the poor in Eretz Yisrael Kodesh that's uh that's a pressing need. So, you don't have to put that off. In fact, you shouldn't put it off. All right. Um is the collar okay? Yeah, the collar's good. I got my Dr. Brown's black cherry soda. I moved on from the Sel Ray to the black cherry. L'chaim. I made a bracha earlier like uh Josh Gordon alav hashalom always says I made a bracha earlier. L'chaim. And um let's pull up tonight's letter. Yeah. Where's the letter? I don't see the letter. All right, I'm going to go to soulwords.org/letters 5786. And click on PDF of letter 17. Okay, now I got it. All right. Baruch Hashem Yud Beis Shvat Taf Shin Tes Ayin, Brooklyn, Shalom U'Bracha. Um This is to a man. Um Isman Uzman Shel Hinani Meharav Agun V'asuv B'choseid Yisrael Akim Rav Paylim Baal Middis V'chalom Reinu Rav Yankel Ben Zion Shlita Yerkovich. Mahanasi Toiv. [clears throat] The Rebbe says, "I hear from time to time uh from Rabbi Yerkovich about you uh and your uh what's going on with you, U'P'uloisav, your activities. I don't know what activities that means. Generally, what P'uloisav, P'ulah means some type of like communal activity. I'm not 100% certain, but sounds like maybe that's what that is. Um I heard, by the way, somebody told me that um that Rabbi Yerkovich himself didn't even know about this letter until he saw it in the Igros. He sees here, "Oh, apparently the Rebbe wrote to somebody else about me, but he didn't know about it." Um V'haidiani Gam Kein M'ashe Koiseiv Lo Oidis Matzav V'Ruach. And he also told me about your emotional state, your Matzav V'Ruach. That means like your your mood, your how you're feeling. Yoiser Noch An Oidis Nifilas Ruach. More precisely, he told me about your fallen spirit. You know, you're feeling bad. Um >> [snorts] >> U'M'ashe Koiseiv El K'veidei L'Rav Agun Anel B'an Degel Matzav Bruchnius. And what you wrote to the aforementioned Rabbi about your um spiritual status. So, basically, the Rebbe says to this guy, "I heard reports secondhand that you're not feeling too good. You know, you're you're in a low place emotionally, and that you're not feeling like your spiritual state is is very good right now. So, you're kind of down about yourself." Okay. Now, you can imagine you can predict that the Rebbe is going to lift this person up somehow. If that's the situation, the person's feeling bad, he's in a low state emotionally and spiritually, obviously the Rebbe is going to help this person. Okay, let's see how. K'var Yodua B'chagayinda. Piskim K'veik Dis Midivei Hamai Admor Zecher Tzaddik Kodesh L'vrocha L'chaim Oilem Haba Nishmosav B'ginzei Meromim Z'chusav Yagen Aleinu See Yisrael. It is known in such matters as these, meaning where you feel bad about yourself, you feel like you're you're no good, the saying, the piskum Piskum means like an aphorism. of my father-in-law, meaning the Friediker Rebbe, Asher Isur D'Lashon Hara Hu Lei Rak B'hanagei L'zu Lossei that the prohibition of Lashon Hara of evil speech is not only when you speak it about another person, Ela Gam B'hanagei El Atzmei, but also about yourself. Shu Assur Gam Kein. That's also forbidden. This is um something that the Friediker Rebbe told the Rebbe directly. Many things the Rebbe quotes from the Friediker Rebbe are from Sichos, you know, Likutei Diburim, or from letters, from the Igros Kodesh of the Friediker Rebbe. This the Rebbe says the Friediker Rebbe told him directly that the Friediker Rebbe, I don't know if he had just finished Yechidus, but somebody had been in Yechidus. And it's so interesting imagining the Friediker Rebbe speaking to the Rebbe. You know, like this is such an amazing picture to even imagine a Rebbe speaking to a Rebbe about a Yechidus and saying, "I just had this guy in here in Yechidus, and he was bashing himself. He was so low on himself." Friediker Rebbe tells the Rebbe, "This guy came in, he was so down on himself, and I told him, 'You know, Lashon Hara is not just forbidden to speak about others, it's also forbidden to speak about yourself.'" Ah, [sighs] I just want to tell you something, fun fact. And I want to thank uh Rabbi Yisrael Pinson from uh Detroit for pointing this out to me. This is a fun This is a truly fun fact. Like I had a lot of enjoyment from this fact. I had a fun learning this fact. And I hope that you will, too. Are you ready? Now that I built it up so much. So, he looked in the Maftei'ach. There's uh you know, an index of uh subjects at the end of Chelek the end of volume 20 of the Igros. So, there's a Maftei'ach. There's a an index. So, it has different subjects, different uh topics that are, you know, where to find them in different uh places in Igros. So, it's interesting. First of all, in a in a 20 volumes, you know, it's not an index of the entire Igros, but of the first 20 volumes. You would think that Lashon Hara Lashon Hara, you know, it's a big thing, you know. Some uh circles, that's like the thing. That's the big thing, right? But, interestingly enough, in the first 20 volumes of Igros, it's only brought up 18 times. Lashon Hara, at least according to the index, it's only brought up 18 times. Okay, that's interesting. That's not yet the fun fact that tickled me. Here it is. Of those 18 times that Lashon Hara is mentioned in the Igros, 12 out of the 18, the context is this teaching. That you're not allowed to speak Lashon Hara about yourself. So, it is by far the majority of times when Lashon Hara is mentioned in the Igros, it is mentioned in this context, the prohibition against speaking Lashon Hara about oneself. Gevaldig. What else can I tell you? That's just amazing. Okay. Um People out there? I don't see a lot of talk in the chat. It says there's 47 viewers on right now. Someone write in the chat and tell me hello, so I know you guys are there. >> [sighs] >> Write in the chat how many times Lashon Hara is mentioned in the first 20 volumes of the according to the Tanya. What number? How many times is it mentioned and how many of those times is about not speaking about yourself? Paula Friedman says that is amazing. I saw Paula this morning at the Tanya share. Baker coffee maker says here. Okay, fine. All right, we have an audience. All right, should we continue? Let's continue. So it's already known the saying of my father-in-law that yeah, you don't speak about yourself either. Um And we know from the bottom. The difference between there are two different prohibitions and are is is when it's true. is when you stop, you know, you're just making stuff up about somebody. But uh is when it's true. So it may be very it may be very true what you're saying. However, as the says also here, but especially when it's exaggerated truth or even more than an exaggeration. It's not untrue. But it's you know, there's a spin to it, a negative spin. Um So what the was saying to him is I'm telling you don't speak I'm not saying don't say I'm not saying I'm not telling you that you're making it up completely. I'm not saying you made it up from whole cloth. I'm not saying this is completely a figment of your imagination. I'm saying there's a basis in truth. Like all there's a basis in truth. What I am saying is um you're exaggerating it. You're playing it up in a negative way. And you're not allowed to do that. You couldn't do that about somebody else. Take somebody else's faults and talk about it that way. Especially if you're like putting a extra spin on it. And you're not allowed to speak that way about yourself. Uh the doesn't speak about it here in this letter, but I saw in a letter where the mentioned this concept don't speak about yourself that he received from his father-in-law. And then I mentioned something that says elsewhere in this about the reason is so bad even though it's true. Right? Cuz if it's true, what's the right? It's true, right? Everyone who speaks always says, but it's true, right? I know that's the definition of that it's true or it's based on truth. Um So what's so wrong with it if it's true? So um explained in many places in this uh One place is I just got an alert on my phone cuz I didn't silence it yet. But I'm going to take that as a sign that I should give more to Dhaka. Okay, now I'm going to silence it. Let me see if the shaking works. Yeah. Okay. Um But it's true, right? So what's wrong with it? So it explains in that um when you say something speech is powerful. It's not as physical as action, but it's not as abstract as as thought. So when you say something, you actually bring it more into the world. So is actually damaging because precisely because it is true. So if you say something that's a true fact about somebody, some some weakness they have and now you say it you're actually causing that quality to become magnified. Not just subjectively in your perception. Are you drawing attention to it? No, more than that. You're literally metaphysically, but also literally amplifying that very quality because through the power of speech, it's actually causing that thing to become more pronounced in the physical world. So that I was saying when you speak bad about yourself, you're actually causing those whatever problems that you're speaking about, you're actually making them more real. Not just subjectively you you you're you're focusing on it and therefore you're thinking about it more. Like it's literally objectively making it worse. Okay. Um Furthermore, and this is the main point. I'll be becoming a dog. In accordance with what with what is explained in many places in this the nice party that in order for a seed planted in the earth to bring forth produce or fruit bearing tree has to first fall apart, disintegrate. Common in this I've probably seen it hundreds of times. The of the seed rotting in the earth in order for the seed to reveal all of its potential has to fall apart, right? That there is infinite growth potential in a seed. Like they say, anybody can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the apples in a seed. It's infinite. Potentially, I mean, talking about generation after generation cuz one seed grows, I mean, if it's an apple seed, obviously, grows a tree with many apples, each have seeds and that they can be planted in turn and grow more trees and potentially it's infinite. But that infinite potential is only activated when the seed falls apart. You put it in the dirt and it rots and it disintegrates and it's no longer a seed. But now it can become something far greater than a seed. Okay, it's a famous of the seed. There's a much neck painting called of the seed. It's a seed falling apart and growing a plant. It's my favorite neck. If you're a friend of mine, you can go buy it from him and give it to me. My birthday is 7. JFYI. Okay, I knew that means that his previous identity falls apart. Show us then he can grow disproportionately greater. However, when is it so that this falling apart is a blessing? Now this I don't recall seeing elsewhere in this. I told you I've seen the parable of the seed hundreds of times. I don't recall seeing this anywhere else except for here. Maybe it is in other places and I'm exposing my lack of knowledge of this. When is it so that the seed falling apart contains a blessing? This is so delicious. When the seed falls apart, when it's planted in fertile ground that was prepared properly prepared for growth and and you watered it. And then you plant the seed and the seed rots in the ground and it grows because it was planted in good earth that was properly tended to and it was watered, etc. Yeah. However, [laughter] if you put the seed on a table and it rots there on the table not only you're not going to get a tree out of it but you don't even have your seed anymore. You're going to lose your seed. That's so I mean it's so clear that it's just the pleasure that it causes the clarity of that metaphor. [clears throat] When is it so that the falling apart of a seed leads to disproportionate growth? When it's in fertile ground that's being tended to properly. But if the seed is sitting on the desk and it's falling apart there, it doesn't lead to anything. So it's not you follow I mean, that I was going to unpack it in a second, but it's not enough. We're always talking about it. It's self-abnegation, ego death. Okay. Yeah, great. That's beautiful. You is coming. is flat. It's is puffy. It's ego. Great, beautiful. But when is the deflation of ego going to lead to disproportionate growth? When it's infertile ground. If it's sitting on the desk, then it's not going to lead to growth. Now you're going to fall apart and just fall apart. You could fall apart and then blossom into something disproportionately greater or you could just fall apart. Period. That's it. End of story. God forbid. Okay, so listen, this is so beautiful. That's the difference between two categories. Atzmus and Meriros. I told you the other night, you see me getting ready with my headphones. You see what's about to happen. I told you the other night what Meriros is. It's from the word maror. Bitter herbs. And I told you, why did the lion love the Seder? Cuz he got to have more roar. I'm waiting for someone to send me an email telling me it's inappropriate to do the rimshot and that it goes class. It'll only encourage me to do it more. Okay. So Meriros is bitterness or frustration we called it. Atzmus is sadness. What's the difference? Frustration spurs you on to activity. Sadness paralyzes you. Incapacitates you. So they're both negative emotions. I mean it's not fun to be frustrated or to be sad. But between the two, they have very different outcomes. >> [snorts] >> And let me explain this in Tanya at length. Where's my Tanya map? Hold on a second. I don't want to spill my black cherry soda. Here's the Tanya map. Um chapter 31, bitterness is not depression. If by applying Yes. If by applying chapters 29 and 30, you become brokenhearted and bitter, know that bitterness is not depression. It is a healthy frustration with the body felt by one who identifies primarily with the soul. That was Tanya chapter 31 from the Tanya map. Oh, I heard from Yossi Bie Friedman that they're reprinting the Tanya map. JFYI. Good news. >> [sighs and gasps] >> Okay. Um Yeah. So a seed that falls apart. You're the seed. You're falling apart. Is that good? Or it's not good? Well, it depends. >> [laughter] >> If it's bitterness, then it will lead to blossoming and growing, becoming more than what you've ever been before. Like the seed turning into a tree. But if it's sadness, like apparently this guy is writing out of sadness or he didn't I don't know if he wrote to the Rebbe about sadness, but he told Reb Yerkus about his sadness. Now it was conveyed to the Rebbe. The guy is sad. But if it's sadness, not bitterness, then it's like the seed rotting on the desk. It's not going to lead to anything productive. Okay. So yeah, we know the difference between Atzmus and Meriros. K'muvin M'mashi means about the Tanya. Like we know what's explained in Tanya. I read to you from the Tanya map chapter 31. All right. So the test to know which kind of disintegration it is. Cuz you're disintegrating, fine. But is it good disintegration or not good disintegration? Heyma Toitzos Avos. It's the results that come from it. Very simple. And the Rebbe says this so many times. If you want clarity, look at what comes from it. We had this before. If you want clarity, look at what comes from it. If you're feeling low ends up spurring you on to be more involved in Jewish activities, and is that a Koven Matzmiach? That's called disintegration that leads to growth. Kama Pa'amim Be'erech Hagaden. Many times over, disproportionately more than the original seed. However, Ve'im Godlim Chalishus, Va'alacha Kama Ve'kama Bitul Pe'ulos Eno. If the outcome is you're weakened in your activities or even you cease those activities, Harei Zeh Misug Sheni, then that's the second category. That's the the seed rotting on the desk. Va'hanimshal Muvan Cholik Be'ezman. Va'hanimshal Muvan. The analog to this analogy is clear. Basically, I'm I'm going to spell it out, but like the Rebbe's telling him, okay, fine. So it's true. So there are certain things you're not happy about in your life. Meaning Not talking about things you're not happy about. Meaning that you don't like how you're being served. Meaning you're not happy with yourself, how you are performing. You're you're disappointed with yourself. Okay, fine. If that's going to lead to being frustrated and and saying, you know what, I got to get I got to get my act together. Okay, fine. But if it's going to make you feel bad and you're just going to sit there feeling bad, then you know, that's that's not okay. All right. Umu'rach. And you must it is imperative Kulik Be'ezman Belimitei Chassidus to set times for Torah Chassidus. I don't know if those two things are connected. Like it's another thing or it's one thing. Like if you want to know how to channel your disappointment in yourself into a holy productive outlet, then you need to learn Chassidus. Or maybe it's just another thing the Rebbe's saying, hey, by the way, you got to set times for Chassidus. Kvius Bizman Kvius Benefesh. We spoke about that before also. That it's not just uh learning it, but actually we didn't speak about that. We spoke about Kvius Bizman, but this is even a higher level of Kvius. Uh Kvius Bizman Kvius Benefesh. Setting it not just in your day, like, oh, this is my time, but setting it in your soul. It's a fixed in your soul. There's a story. I think it was the Tzemach Tzedek. He asked a Chassid in in Yechidus, you have um a Kvius in Torah? He said, yeah. And then the Tzemach Tzedek said, is it Kvius Bizman or Kvius Benefesh? Is it fixed in your time in your schedule or is it fixed in your in your soul? And he wasn't sure what the answer. Like, he didn't he I don't know. The Tzemach Tzedek said, how much money have you saved up? And the guy was like uh I don't know if he was like a Melamed or something. He wasn't a rich guy, but he you know, he had saved up let's say 100 ruble. Okay, so if someone would pay you 100 ruble to miss your Kvius, would you miss it? Meaning you would double your life savings overnight if you just miss your Kvius. Would you do it? He's like, no. Okay. What if you had to pay 100 ruble? You had to give up your life savings in order to not miss your Kvius. Would you give up all that money that you saved your whole life? And he hesitated. And the Tzemach Tzedek told him, then it's not yet Kvius Benefesh. >> [laughter] >> Kvius Benefesh is, okay, I mean, I don't want to, but if I'd have to lose my life savings, yeah, okay. I don't even have to hesitate. Uh okay, Kvius Bizman Kvius Benefesh Os Safe Kol Safe Yegia Likiyum Atzmiya. Yeah, so it does seem connected. And if you'll have a real Kvius in Chassidus set in your soul, meaning you don't miss it for nothing, then so of course of in the end Yegia Likiyum Atzmiya Ivdo Hashem Besimcha. You will come to fulfill the commandment, serve Hashem with joy. You're not going to be sad anymore. You're going to be [clears throat] joyful. Bivracha Al Sod Steves Bechol Amalael. With a blessing. And when the Rebbe says a blessing to be able to report good news in this, let's not take that lightly. That's amazing. This is the Rebbe's Bracha. Rebbe's giving him a blessing that he should be able to report good news. That was going to give him a boost. That was going to help him. They should be able to have what to report. Good news in this area. Gevaldig. Okay. That is tonight's letter. Baruch Hashem. Um Yeah. Someone's asking in the chat, why does it say Kol Atzvi Yamoiser? Yeah. That's uh you know, it says in Perek Chof Vov of Tanya. I have a whole I have three or four different Tanya Shiurim online. You can go go go learn chapter 26 of Tanya. It answers that question. Okay. Baruch Hashem. That's tonight's letter. And we will see you tomorrow night.