Better Communication Usually Starts With This

Most couples who are going through a difficult time in their marriage, who are feeling constant frustration, who are constantly getting into fights and arguments that make them feel distant, they feel like they have a communication issue. You most likely have an attention issue, not a communication issue. Cuz I'll tell you what happens. The couples who feel like they have a communication issue just because they're miscommunicating, they start learning communication techniques. They start learning about I statements and active listening and how to phrase things more carefully, how to avoid triggering each other, how to respect one another when they're triggering. But here's the thing, if you feel like you need to constantly monitor and edit yourself to survive a conversation, that is the problem. If you put more effort into feeling closer, not into the technique, the communication style that might make you feel closer. But if you actually put more focus on the closeness that you want, one of two things are likely to happen. Either you'll actually start communicating better because you're talking with somebody you feel connected to, or at the very least, communication will feel better because you'll like each other in those moments. Your communication will improve if you like each other, or at least you'll perceive that it's improving. You won't be as bothered by the miscommunication. That doesn't work when you feel tense, when you feel guarded, when you feel scrutinized or evaluated. I worked with couples who know all the communication tools. They can explain them perfectly. They've memorized the scripts, but when tension enters the room, it disappears. Why? It's not because they didn't practice enough and it's not because they don't understand how they should be communicating. It's because communication is not what produces closeness. Communication is the outcome of closeness. Trying to force good communication so there could be closeness doesn't work. You end up feeling like a faker, you end up feeling like you got to edit yourself. Good communication is the outcome of a good relationship, not the cause of a good relationship. Because when you feel like your relationship is in a better place, when you feel more connected, you speak differently. You listen differently. You feel safer, even if you don't always agree. When there's a relationship of warmth, when there's a good feeling, you interpret each other differently. And this is where many couples get stuck. They become experts in studying what's wrong with their relationship, what's wrong with their communication, what isn't working, what's frustrating, what keeps happening, what needs fixing. And slowly, without realizing it, the relationship starts organizing itself around tension, around protection. Disappointment becomes the focal point. And looking for problems becomes survival. After a while, couples start walking into conversations where they're already bracing themselves for a fight. They're already expecting tension. They're already preparing to defend themselves, because that's how they've trained their mind. Here, it's not a communication issue, per se. It's a focus issue. What is the focal point of our relationship? It's no wonder why they find themselves wondering why does communication suddenly feel so difficult if we both care about each other. You probably know the opposite experience as well. Moments where communication somehow felt easier. You were lighter, more open. You felt less defensive. You had those moments in your relationship, maybe more at the beginning, I don't know, but you've had those moments in your relationship where you were joking more. You felt more relaxed. You felt more liked. You felt like your partner was easier to like. And at those moments, think about it. What was the conversation like? The conversations were easier. It's the same person. And sometimes the conversations that were easier surround the same issue, but the communication is different because the relationship is different. People don't communicate in a vacuum. They communicate inside an atmosphere of the relationship. The way I like to see it is just working on communication as the content of the relationship, but that content exists in a context. And if you want to fix the content, you can't work on that independently. You have to work on the context, the experience of the relationship. I was recently speaking with a couple who kept having intense miscommunication episodes. And in our session, we weren't focused on communication techniques at all. Instead, I asked the husband something different. If somehow the version of your relationship that feels more alive, that version of your relationship where you feel more comfortable being you, where you feel more connected, where you just feel more present with your wife, if somehow that version of you began walking through the door after work, what would your wife first notice about you when she saw you? What's the first thing she might see in you that you'd be so proud of her seeing because that's a more a desirable representation of who you actually are. He paused for a second and he said, "I'd probably be doing a little dance as I walk through the door." "What kind of dance?" I asked. He started describing it. I said, "What would you be dancing to?" He smiled and shared him and his wife's favorite music. And I then asked him, "How would your wife respond to that version of you?" At this point, we weren't studying the problem in their relationship, the problem with their communication. We were talking about the version of their relationship that felt alive, that felt playful, that felt comfortable, that felt warm. I then asked him, "When that version of you is more present, what is your communication like?" It's much better. "How is it better? How do conversations flow differently?" He explained how there was less tension, less escalation. He was able to focus more on who he was talking to, his wife, not the frustrations they were talking about. This was not a better script. This was a realization of who he wanted to actually be at difficult moments. I'd like you to think about this for yourself, just for a moment. Think about not the worst version of your relationship, that's where our mind automatically goes to. Think about perhaps a less frustrating moment. Think about the version of you that feels more connected, more open. The version of you that feels more like yourself. You might be calmer at that moment. You might feel warmer. You might catch yourself smiling more. Think about the version of you that simply feels less guarded, less protective. Like you don't need all of your defense mechanisms. Imagine walking through the door tonight as that version of you. What would your spouse first notice? What would they see on your face that might be different? What would they notice in your tone, in your energy? How would you walk in and sit down at the dinner table differently? What would your voice sound like? Would you be more excited? Would you feel less rushed? Would you be more curious? Where might you notice more affection in your relationship if that version of you showed up? Try to think of one or two words that describe that version of you. Cuz if you could put it into concrete language, it's going to be easier to access later on. Is that a more comfortable version of you? A warm version of you? A What Whatever it is, a happy version of you? Think of one, two, maybe even three words. I even write this down. If you have a paper and pen with you, write it down. If you have your phone, just type Get those words down. Whatever words fit you. The more clearly you can recognize that version of yourself, the easier it becomes to notice it when it becomes more present. The easier it becomes to be able to make it more present. When that version of you, that happier, more comfortable, softer version of you is just a little bit more present, start noticing what happens to your communication. How do you listen differently to your spouse? How do you find yourself trying to be less right and more happy? How does your spouse feel at that moment? Does she or he feeling less attacked? How do you find yourself interpreting what your spouse actually means at that moment, even when you disagree? How do you notice tension escalating less quickly when that version of you is more present? Imagine the two of you, you and your spouse are in a tense moment. You're frustrated, you don't feel connected. Communication is not going well, to say the least. But somehow you knew that that version of you still exists. That happier, more calm, peaceful version of you is still present. And even if you don't fully experience that version of you right now in the moment because of the frustration, you knew it was there. And if you did know it was there, what would be different about the way you argue at that tense moment? What would be different at the way you listen in that argument or interpret one another? What would feel different about you right after the fight knowing that that version of you that your spouse likes better, that version of you that you like better, is still there even if not fully experienced. Would you feel more hope? Would you feel like it's easier to repair afterwards? Because once people know that the other version of their relationship, the more desirable version of the relationship, is real and even if not always experienced all the time, but can be present and can become more relevant even later. Once you just know that, what do you think that's going to do to the tension in your relationship? How is that going to change the tension in your relationship? It's probably going to make things easier. Many couples are trying to force better communication while emotionally organized around the worst version of the relationship and that's exhausting and people feel it. People know it. You know that you're walking around trying to fake a version of yourself that isn't true. No relationship becomes deeply close because two people became experts at carefully managing every sentence. People feel close when the warmth returns, when the friendship returns, when the openness returns, when they stop relating to each other through tension and disappointment, through those lenses. The goal is not let's become fake, let's become robotic. The goal is let's become more connected to a version of yourself that naturally creates more closeness around it. A version of you that's probably easier to be and more desirable. If you had to describe that version of you in your own language, what would you call it? It might be a more relaxed, playful, or steady version of you. It might be the version of me that just feels better for people to be around. Once you could recognize that version of yourself more clearly, notice what happens to your communication even during tension, even during disagreement. communication will feel less threatening. You'll notice yourself recovering faster afterward. Think about what the softness that could exist after an argument would be like, knowing that there's a version of you that you and your spouse both like. How do you think that's going to help your ability to recover afterward and to reconnect? When people know a better version of the relationship, that that version of the relationship still exists, you know what happens to conflict? It doesn't feel as final. It doesn't feel like every fight is going to be potentially the end, God forbid. Instead of asking, "How do we communicate better?" or "What is wrong with us now? What's wrong with our communication?" You got to flip the script. Ask yourself this, "How am I most likely to show up in a way that contributes toward more warmth, openness, and connection in this relationship?" Because relationships change when people stop organizing themselves around what's wrong. And it's not a communication issue. It's an attention issue. Because what you put attention on grows. And if the connection you have grows, that is going to influence the way you communicate. That is going to change the level of peace and connection you have in your home. Give it a try.