Rabbi Heshy Kahan Shovavim Shiur - What Gets Lost Overtime

Okay. >> Okay. >> All right. So, the concept of is interesting is we have this kind of this six weeks in the middle of the year when to go through the lane just today. And we're coming away from Shabas the concept of unity, concept of I just this week I actually just came straight from Brooklyn. I had uh it sounds a little fuzzy and cloudy. It's because I am a little fuzzy and cloudy hearing a lot of little kitties fetching for good 89% of the ride up and just spent a lot of time with a lot of solo members and they had whatever they had a weekend and you know you're dealing with people that every day they're running out saving members of Kusel and this is what we were involved with and we have to understand something that the unity theoras is between husband and wife and we can do a lot of things for a lot of different people be part of a lot of different volunteer organizations a lot of different said but first and foremost where it starts where it must start is in the home shy once was his wife uh she slipped and she needed she need stitches they had to rush her to the hospital it's delicate kind of a procedure they did they stitched her up she came back She was trying to hurry them up because he gave his share and the mage made it just in time for his daily share. And when they they were up to the you know they brought up the apartment and she was settled in and he was he went out to meet already there waiting to escort him and he said wait and he went back and he made her coffee and he gave her coffee and she said okay now we could go. He said every single day I make my wife a coffee before I leave. said you think my shim, you think the vad and the I give over is attributed to me and my and my wisdom and my it could be all discussion that we have that we get from that mish is because of her. And if we understand this and we can work on a daily basis when we leave our home maybe more important when we come back in that in the office and yeshiva whatever we're doing during the day is totally on her see incredible amount of it's not my prasa is directly correlated towards our shalom and vice not towards our business acumen not towards the stock market not towards getting more customers. So we think of it that way not only will that enhance us an economic level but enhance our homes in regards to bringing the and having it rest within our homes just as well to quickly review some I understand I am going over Yeah, a little bit. Little bit. Okay, fine. We're going to review a little bit of summon um now what's interesting because we learn these as a and that's when we take classes. I will say is that the only time obviously as a right to learn about inyan mishbaka is when you're engaged. By far I have done this hundreds of times. The worst time to do classes about terasa is when the guy is engaged. There is a in a just a a certain block. I don't know what I mean I know what it is is that our brain is just fried. That's what it is. And we are just not able to really understand with clear competence. So let's just go over we understand we're finishing with kumim is neither durab when there's a random stain. Now, as a custom, this seems not so relevant because we come into classes just understanding woman becomes user when that's that time of the month when her menstrual cycle starts. At the end of the day is once we're married, especially when kids come along, most of the time we're dealing with the suck because particularly with the with with contraceptives, particularly with the pill, a lot of times with the IUD, the hormonal IUD, the mor um that causes evening, they all cause staining. And the question is always when does it pass that threshold from turning into a stain into actual actual ears down. So that is it's it's really every rub has and that's always it's always important to ask aila. Never ever ever ever ever hesitate to ask a shila. Both sides don't assume that it's okay. We're dealing with cries. We don't like kurus. We try to avoid it in general. Okay. And also on the other side also I have many couples. They're mach and it's so silly for no reason. No reason. They're just they're stringent. I'll forget. Let's just assume why why ask the rabbis. Therefore, you should just know the the goal the go-to for every is to be okayish. You'll hear return the money. Shabas try to be kash. If you can get something else, go to a different restaurant. When it comes to when it comes to every his go-to is to be lenient. So understand there twofold. A ask questions. He wants to be. And B, if you hear a no, there's a good reason for it. Okay? Because in general, um, everyone really wants to try. As far as the come from neither, neither run is a random state. That means it's not an it's not a period. It's not right after tush. It's not right after marijuana. It's not after using the it's just a random stain which happens often for particularly for women that are on the pill. It's a random stain. So there are herum that they give. You have to understand is that kazal they made the game they make the rules. Okay. Is that how long we going for? >> 11:00 11 till >> just look at you. >> Seriously happened a few minutes ago. I see. There's no Ranger game, so I don't know that third. >> What? >> Not third. Okay. So, fine. So, um I heard they're in last place. Horrible. >> They're pretty bad. >> Okay. Talk about it later. Anyway, so the question is like this is that you have the leniencies in the coolers that are relevant. Now, the coolers that are relevant is as follows. Number one is in the times of Kazal, we hear this and it sounds interesting is that if it's smaller than a gris, a gris is a bug. Why? Because in the times of kazal, they lived in tents and they woke up and they rolled over and they killed a bug. We went to camp. We know what it's like. Yeah. depending which camp you went to but most of them is that you kill the bug and all of a sudden then there's blood there's blood on the sheets so therefore you know what we're going to say you know don't worry rely just beside you know what is probably a cockroach it's probably a bug what is it that is the size of a penny which says a lot of us are thinking it's 2026 we don't live in tents anymore come on we try to fool right we know that's not what it is and the point is that's not the idea the idea is kazal made in order to protect us they were the ultimate psychologists they knew they didn't want us to get there so therefore we say you know what this is going to be the exera we don't want you to be anything the gauge that we decided is based on that smaller than a penny. Now, if you have a whole bunch of different stains and they're all less than a penny, that's also going to be fine. I'll teach you a rabbi's trick. You know what we could do? Take a penny, cover it, okay? And if it covers it and even if it's an alligated stain, if you could fold this into a penny, you are fine. Since Corona, everyone just sends pictures. That's what they do because welcome to being millennial and we don't like doing anything with our phones. So, if you want to send a picture, you can. Can I ask for my number? Um, that's what I do for a good part of my day. If you have a Shila, you don't have to say who you are. Just send the Shiloh. Um, and a lot of times I'll just ask put a penny next to it and we'll see. Another hat is which is why you don't even need the penny is if it's on it's okay if it's on something that is colored or geyser when we know for sure what it is when I see it on something that is colored I can't really tell was said wait a second what are we trying to fool what if you could tell what if it's on a pastel color what if we see that it's down I see very clearly it's down there's a stain here that is inclined to red that is in the red family said we know that is so what's the story with that kazal said that it is okay it is therefore okay so at the end of the day is anything uncolored even pastels is going to be okay. Now, there are some things particularly in tights which are striped. So, the problem is there. If it's white, gray, white, gray, white, gray, we're going to add up all the whites. So, therefore, it's always best to make sure that you have everything colored, you have colored, it's not going to be a problem. Colored sheets, colored towels, colored undergarments, all of that. That's header. Number two is if it's uncolored, it's fine. Even if it's bigger than a penny. Now, if it's a lot a lot, that can be the right. If it's a which I think went through, he discussed it, right? Discussed with the pages. Okay. Yeah. Good. So, we're good. Okay. What the Typical. >> Okay. The gauge is general. I mean, everyone has different cyber. So, the general I'm being filmed here also. I have to have like my hands. Terrible hearing. Horrible hearing. But there's is I got to Photoshop. Give me a second. Give me some like full >> I have a wig if you want. >> Anyway, no, not that. Is that the um the gauge for that is around the half a dollar bill. That's what's considered ears down. So, if you have less than that, always just show the sha. Ask the shila. Especially on pads, they look small on one side. A lot of times it pulls out on the other side. I always ask to see both sides of the pad. Um in general four fingers a half a dollar bill it's really the same thing that amount the dime is already really questionable but if it's definitely less than that if it's two three pennies within a pad it's going to be okay why pad is white that brings us to cooler number three cooler number three is if it's not mab it's okay and in America we pass like something that is not mab is going to be fine right now doesn't pass we passing this any he a pad in toilet paper is not mab which is a great cooler they don't pass like this in earth like He holds he says at what it's a throwaway it's it's a piece it's a tissue paper and he goes like this in many different that's why we don't aluminum pants because it's a throwaway for the same reason even though it's made out of metal aluminum right but he holds it he holds the also um you guys that make kdesh today no no one here is part of the kdish club but for those of you that know people that know people that have a cousin that is part of the kdish club so what do they do they have these cute little plastic right little quick shots they have when you go to the back when the rabbi speaking right so that is according to no good so you're not good because that's not a cle so it really works It's consistent throughout the kesh but it's a coolave pet because it's any throwaway is not and therefore it's going to be okay um even if it's bigger than a penny if it again turns into a half dollar bill that's already the problem but anything less than that is usually going to be okay and therefore you can be lenient always ask again always ask um rabbis don't charge for questions okay so don't worry about and if they do get a new rabbi okay all right now that's as far as that as far as the fourth cool is if you could be title in on something you could rely it on something else. Um, this is not so common in times of the Gomorra. She came back from the butcher market and she had she had ders. That's they didn't wear undergarments. So, it could have came from they were slaughtering cows. Could have came from me. So, he said, "Oh, you they're busy with them." Okay. Came from the cows. Okay. Nowadays, it's not right. It's just not. So, the only things that are really relevant is hemorrhoids, urinary tract infection, yeast infection. Anything that possibly could cause down, let the rabbi know. tell him, hey, by the way, she has this or she has a cut. She has a scratch. She has something that causing particularly postpartum hemorrhoids is very relevant. Happens a lot. Women see a lot of down from it, but it's it's just it's it's not an issue. It's not uterine bleeding. It's not coming from the uterus. And therefore, it's usually going to be okay. Just tell the rabbi that's going to be the fourth. So, that sums up some. Good. You're supposed to move on to Harakus. Harakus. Um, we know them, but it's good to just have a little bit more of a clear understanding with it. Um, Harakus are as follows. Kazal understood that any small little nuance could lead to any small little nuance which could possibly lead to a husband and wife being intimate which in general for us to understand is a good thing. Okay, that is ideal in ideal ideal world. We do want any small little nuance to lead to any small little nuance to lead to intimacy because that is the ideal when the couple is with terrorists when they are permitted to each other. However, when they are user to each other we have to have a whole bunch of basically stop signs that says hey guys things are different. So a lot of these things people get callous with and like come on do me a favor I'm gonna do this it's going to lead to that come on who are we trying to fool and you have to understand it's not about that I do I pass something to her or I eat her leftovers it's going to lead to to to being intimate but it leads to a certain atmosphere which leads to a certain atmosphere which leads to etc etc you have to understand that because were the ultimate psychologist and they knew and you see this all the time you see all the time is when you start being you start being lenient on on on these any much bigger things fall by the wayside. So let's go through all of the gdarum. We know that our asser we're go try to give a little background to that. What's interesting about these is that on the one hand she's an Arab sky is to be with her as is to be with someone else's wife or as is to be with the the cashier in the supermarket. But right can you be myak with the cashier? No. Right. Can you be miak with your wife? Yes. Interesting. Right. So on the one hand, we know, okay, don't touch the cashier. Don't be in the same room as the cashier across the street, right, in the grocery. But I can pass things to her, right? I can throw things to her because what's interesting is is because why is because when being with your you're going to be permitted to your wife. So we do allow you don't have to get a separate knee department. Right. Good, good, good, good to hear. Yeah. But Right. But we have a whole bunch of added stop signs, so to speak, because it's an interesting duality. On the one hand, I'm going to be mutter. On the other hand, any small little thing could lead to any small language could lead back there. So therefore, we have to have like a whole bunch of more stop signs on the one hand, but nonetheless is still permitted, which is why it's interesting for Misha Feinstein was asked to sha used to be very common. It's very common 30 40 years ago. Probably half our parents weddings were kopita. They didn't have the pills weren't working great and just is what it is. The diamond worked it worked. If it didn't work, it didn't work. And that was that. So the whole shila was was that what how does he put the ring on? How does he pass the ring? He won't touch her. How's he's passing, right? or how's he giving her the so said what the kazal enacted this whole of not passing why because you're able to be with her you're able to be in the same room so he say hey guys added added stop sign right you can't pass it I can't be with her they're going home they're sleeping in someone else's house that night is so took away that he said took away that exam you're able to pass so therefore no one has to know you can pass the ring you can pass the No problem. So therefore but for all of us we we are being so that's why passing becomes so passing is there is a that can bring based on I'm able to carry someone on my shoulders right I was just in Brooklyn yeah if I carry someone on my shoulders so you're not allowed to carry yeah but if you're carrying someone who's alive so therefore what a live person carries himself so based on that so the are stretch that along to they say hey wait a second when you're passing a You're not passing anything. The kid's passing himself a live person is carrying himself. So therefore what becomes permitted. So just like I can carry someone by the way you can't it's not you can carry someone without a so also the same things over here but neither I'm totally able to be um able to car to pass a child doesn't have to be my child anyone's child from one person um to the next from husband to wife. um good header to to know. The question is at what point? Every nurse in every hospital knows that every religious couple that gives birth, he has not taken the baby from her. So when does that switch over? I say about this. He said around like four or five months. Around when the kids start sticking his hands out. So the kids, you know, not a jelly bean anymore. So the kid, you know, kids a person he knows, you know, taty mommy, daddy, mommy, whatever, whatever it is. So you're able to um at that stage, you're able to pass check. I can't touch, but I am able to pass, which is a good head to to know. learn how to be smooth about it. In general, a woman you have to understand psychologically as it is feels like a mitzvah when she's also you have to understand. We have to be sensitive. It's very separate from us. We don't have to deal with this. We never have, we never will, right? We just we don't have a uterus. They do. So, the fact is that she feels during this time she does feel very separate. Okay? So, it is an added component over here is to try to draw that closer. Don't be just a typical man about it and like we're in front of everybody and I put things on the table. Yeah. What do you mean? I'm keeping it off, right? It's true. It's important and we do. Even if even if even if it causes embarrassment writes clearly writes clearly we're not lenient with her we have to know this in other words if it's really like the whole place is looking I'm out of kasa and the phone rings I I it doesn't matter at the end of the day is you can't pass it to her and he brings a ray from the garam the garam talks about women they used to walk around during the shake they used to wear white so it's like you walked to the grocery street how you know okay everyone knew was we have that nowadays women were undergarments but if they did if they wouldn't wear they to wear white so he brings a ribba not part of the equation here and therefore we're not leaning. That being said, learn how to be smooth. Okay? In other words, we still don't do it in a way that people know. Um she will feel embarrassed about the fact that you can't pass to her and it's just not necessarily being so sensitive. So do your best to be as far as throwing is is user as well. There are also um the gamarra goes through three behaviors that are also to do in front of the other person. In other words, there the gar says very clearly husband will help his wife, wife will help the husband and when she's asser except for three acts of three acts of are when they're done in front of the other person. When I see you do it in front of me, you see me doing it in front of you that brings that elicits a sense of and that becomes number one. The most relevant one is pouring the cup. Very nice. You want to be a gentleman, you pour the cup of course can't do that when she is included in that is also serving. included in that is also is is if you know he's serving drink also serving food it's all going to be in and that is what or you do very simple switch hands it's the only time we use shinoi for neida you can use the left hand the right hand depending on what you are which is your dominant hand and that becomes the lenency for that or you can use your your dominant hand just a little you put a little farther away so therefore I just have to bring it a little closer and that is the with that the other is people here making the beds a make each other's beds so it's it's sorry to burst separate this bubble you're able to make your wife's bed when she's okay. You're able to make your bed when she's outside. It's talking about preparing the bed to go to sleep in. So, it's not like an easy way to wiggle out. I was like, "Sorry, honey. I'm just not allowed to." You know, you can you can help. You can prepare. You can clean up the room. You can clean up her bed. You can't prepare to go to sleep. Not so relevant nowadays because in the times of kazali mamish make a bed. They put straw. They make they make the bed for the other. It's very endearing. You know, they you know, I think they have to do in the fancy hotels now. It's called >> turnown service. What's it called? Turn down. >> Turn down service. >> Turn down service. It's a turndown service. So that's to the >> I heard about it. >> A friend of mine thought. >> So >> that was what the funds are for. >> So we all know who's using whose bond boy points for what. Exactly. So we all at the end of the day is is that that what they do that that turnown service that's with the iserates because that's that's something that's that's more well apparently it's not. Apparently the Spanish lady, you know, I guess for enough money will do that too. But in general um it's that's that's something husband does for wife, wife does for a husband. That's going to be the clown on the isser. And the last one is upon the appearing water to wash your hands, feet and face. And that's not relevant at all. I mean that's just not happening. At times the kazal you come back from the fields and the wives bring them the pallet. Wash your hands, wash your feet, wash your face nowadays. It's not I turn on the faucet myself. So it's not that. The only thing I could think of is let's say she's behind you for the you know for the shabas. Let's say you want to be a mesh. So the water is running so you put the cup there. So don't do that. Keep the cup here. It's right in front of her. So she'll put the cup there. That's the only really no one turns on a bath. I mean, you want to prepare a bath, you can prepare, you can tell her just to leave. You can tell her, you can tell her to leave. If you want to prepare the bath, but I can't prepare a bath for anything. Again, most people prepare their own shower bath, so it's not really all that relevant. Um, that's as far as that in regards towards eating together. So, eating together is interesting. There's actually a between the t and I don't know whichever one you whichever I'm going to say both ways because however you learned is they're both right. Okay, it's what that means. We can't share a cup, but that means you can't share a plate. We can't share a bowl. The way that Taz learns is is that it's very intimate when you share a plate of French fries, right? You your first date, you guys are not I hope, right? That'd be weird, right? You're sharing the plate of French fries. It was a move, right? It's a thing when you were, right? It's a thing. It's intimate. You're not you're not sharing with me, right? You're sharing something. You're sharing something with your spouse that's very intimate. So, that's the taz. The taz says, what do you do? You what? Very simple. You just make a pit stop, right? You share a plate of fries. Yeah. Roll of sushi, whatever the case is. You take one and you put it or she takes one, she puts it on another plate. Very easy. That's the task. Okay. So no matter what you're you're you're just splitting it on another another uh plate and that's that's going to be the head for that says he learns it a totally different way. He learns Kyra is not a den in the plate. He says Kyro is a den in the food. Meaning it's a single serve. He says before you can't sh you can't share a bagel. You can't share a roll. Can't share. So you go to Havaja and you know whatever they charge for whatever they charge. So yeah. So you want to buy only one bagel, right? So now you can't split it cuz that's a single syrup. So it's a single serve. So I can't but it's they're both a and they're both a koola because is what? That's a ka. Now I can't share the bagel. According to the t is very simple. Just put the bagel on my plate. I just put half the sushi roll on my plate. says, "No way. It's a single serve." You can't can't do that. It's hers or it's yours. You're not splitting that. But if one day I have a huge bag of popcorn according to Yeah. So it's fine. It's not a single serve. It's made for everybody. So you could both share you both share to the same huge bag of popcorn. That's fine. According to Misha, according to the Taz, no, that's Kai. Then the plate, the bag, the bowl. You can't. So according to the Taz, I could split the bagel, right? As long as it's not a different plate. According to Misha, I could have the big huge bag as long as it's not a single serve. So whichever way you learn, they're both fine. I teach by the way I see some of my guys here. We learned it with the we learned the taz we went that's the mahalak that that that's my messiah. Um as far as sharing a cup plate a bowl of food. Um in regards towards uh having a hecker on the table. So this gets I find that guys like some this peters out. I don't know how long any hecker. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? Like get some blank faces. So I the reason why this peters out is because it's not always relevant and it's like the only assay. Like everything else is don't touch, don't pass, don't move, don't this is like the only assay to do. And I find that this just I don't know just guys forget it. Um there is a halaka is when you're eating together with your wife alone, you need to have a hecker on the table, right? It's the exact same halaka as basala. If you're having macaroni and cheese and I'm having a hot dog, I need to have hecker on the table. So it's the same exact thing. We don't want you dipping into each other's plates. It's a real hala. So what you need to have is it's what again I don't have to do this with other people around. So that's that's a misin itself. You could be lenient, but when it's me and my wife eating together alone and the kids um are not yet four or five years old, I have to have something in between us that says guys again, same thing. Stop sign things are different. That's the haka with a hecker. A hecker can be anything that's not usually there with a little height. Anything a soda, we don't drink soda during a week. That works. That's great. Bottle of Sprite. Bottle of Sprite on a Tuesday night is great, right? Again, assuming you don't drink soda. If you do, it's not a good hacker. A bottle of Windex is great. I don't think anybody has that, right? I mean, you do, but not in the middle in between you two. That would be a good hacker. anything that's not usually there. You can have a specified hacker if you want. I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay, fine. Specified hecker you can have and in between the two that would work perfect just as well. That serves a purpose as a hacker. Again, you don't have to bring this hecker out when you're at a restaurant. When I'm eating by my parents, my in-laws, I don't have to. When it's just me and my wife alone, um then if I'm eating by my me and my wife alone, it's the same thing. I have to have a hecker on the table. So, this is something that's uh that's a lot of times often um you know just forgotten. It is a hala um that is applicable. It's not just a um another that's relevant is you can't um you can't eat her leftovers in front of her. So this is that if she bites out of it, even if you put on another plate, it's her leftovers. That's a big um if you want to be it's a nice to have, but in general, as long as you put on another plate, that's fine. So she has two bites from whatever it is and you're like, you know, $23 fetuccini at the restaurant. Like got to be kidding me, right? Of course I'm going to finish that. Very simple. just put it on your plate and and uh and sh that takes care of that. Another is kais. This gets a little complicated is the kdish. Um always you know once someone start learning this and then they all of a sudden they're always you know you never heard this alaka before like this is going on under your nose for years. You no clue and then all of a sudden you learn it and you like notice every single time but you know you go back to someone's house but kesh that's the that's the giveaway. There's ways of figuring it out that it's not a giveaway. Um very simple if you have guests you could just pour into those little cups and let everyone take and that's it. No one has to know that I'm not sending her. I'm just pouring little cups and everyone takes. It's it's not just wine. It's it's also grape juice. any has to be cannot even be sent to Ali. I can't even send it to someone else to give to her. It's us. So, it's a big um you know, it's much stronger than than orange juice or apple juice. It's I can't even send it to her. So, we have to um understand this is going to be relevant every single Friday night. Um when you're making kids, it's just me and her. Who cares? I drink it. I put it down. There's no one there. When there's other people there, that's the or she could you could put that in your cup and she'll pour it for other people. That's going to be another that's going to be that um as far as as far as that as far as so eating. um in regards towards um some hakas that are relevant to uh to us um is it's interesting to understand is that is that men and women again we relate to each other differently in regards to this you know we're not sort of the topic over here in regards towards um talking about intimacy per se but in regards towards that it's very it's different we're very visual that's the way we work women are not hashem created them very very different there is no at all for a woman to have to see the man um before she gets married to him there's not there is a for the man to see the woman that's just the mits it's the reality we're more visual so therefore what so there's an issue that is placed on us also when it comes towards visual is that we can't see any area that's usually covered when she goes outside included in that is elbows neckline knee and hair those are the four um the four you know she's general she's covering her knees her elbows her neckline and her hair when she goes outside so you can't um you can't the le is histo is is a is really is is a gaze is a um is a steer So, you know, if a woman's nursing or something like that, okay, you know, you it's on you to make sure to be careful. I just want to I get calls all the time. It's like, is she wear whatever she wants, right? It's on you. It's your issue. It's her list. It's on you. It's us or on you. Now, she should work with you obviously. But at the end of the day is it's not her problem. It's your problem. So, and it's very easy because she can wear shorts, just cover the knees. You know, if you she wants to work with you, right? Just just you don't have to change your whole uh you know, style of of dress. You going to sleep in pajamas? Wear knickers. It's fine. Extra large t-shirt covers the elbows. That's fine. And that's that's okay. Misha has a header which is a good head to know. For here holds it here. Doesn't really bring um if I'm used to seeing her with her hearing covered, it doesn't bring her doesn't bring thoughts. So therefore, we could take that just for here. You could be leaning with that. Usually she goes to sleep with her uncovered. Uh she walks around the house for whatever reason of you know window shades are closed with a covered whatever level she has when she is mutter in regards to seeing her hearing covered is permitted as well when she is us or for me to see as well. Again it's nice for she wants to cover her hair. That's wonderful but according to Misha for me to see it is not an issue. Um another is that is included is perfume. I can't smell the perfume when it's on her. Smell the perfume not when it's on her. Um and the last one is I cannot hear her sing either. This is relevant. you know, you guys start having kids and you know, the mother starts singing lullabibies and things like that. Again, it's not on her to stop. It's on you to tune out. That's it. Just tune out. You know, we we do it quite well when we need to tune out. We can figure it out. Um so, I think we can figure this out just as well. Um you come to my ninth grade here in the morning if you don't want to see how this is done. Show you very well how it's done. Um men have this ability to literally check out and go somewhere else. Um so, so that's that's what I would recommend for here as well. um in regards to um the the bedroom so the beds have to be separate. Um, it seems that I don't know why this haloca gets I get a lot of questions like couples that are married for like nine years and like yeah our mattresses are separate but you know it's like it's the same spring like no no no like separate beds separate beds um one big box spring and two beds just cuz they're a little separate is not two beds it's one bed okay that's that's not okay um a headboard sometimes they have swirl they have like it's like a sliding you know it just like slides together and it doesn't really share it looks like it's sharing the board but it's really not it's really two separate beds that's the best thing to do but the beds should be separate Um, so that's that. You know, I always learn how luck is every time listen you see everyone's like realizing, oh, like I used to put hide and go seek my parents. Now I got like they had to spot sometimes I didn't have a spot the other time. Like that's okay. You know, you can beds apart and of course that's fine. Um, but they have to be two separate beds. Um, that's as far as meas how far apart as long as the blankets don't touch. There's there's some place can bring down it's not real any concrete formula for exactly how much. As long as the beds the blankets don't touch when you're sleeping. That's that's the general gauge. Um it's also for you to sit on her bed. She could sit on your bed. She could lie on your bed. I can't see her lying on my bed. Okay, we're all there. We got that. That's the idea. The idea here is is that that brings a list thoughts for me when I see my wife lying on my bed. It's relevant again with kids. She's giving a lying down with your kid. Of course, kids don't want to sleep in their bed. They want to sit in your tat's bed. So, you walk in, you see lying down with your kid, they're reading a story, whatever it is, just walk out and then that that would take care of that. Um it's also to go on. Interesting. The Ramadan talks about is there any spartum here? No, we have Okay. All white boys. Okay. So, it's relevant to all of us. So, um in regards to going on on vacation um so it says taking strolls um in Parisim and gardens. So, I understand this to be it doesn't mean it's us to go away with it especially now like especially in this time like guys are college to go out and you know your boss gives you a free three days or whatever the case is or this is when the kids have off so what am I supposed to do? So, that's okay. It's about going out in a place that's about being intimate. It's not about going, you know, some program to go to the Alps, whatever. That that's that's fine. That's they have this program now. This is when they have it. Kids are going skiing, you're going skiing, you're going to see, you're going to tour. That's not it's really about a place. It's about like, you know, you're going to Cancun, you know, it's that kind of takes care of itself. You got to be an idiot to go to Cancun. That really takes care of it's really understood. It's really that's the you got to be silly to do. As far as um the the other of Kalis, again, I don't have a clear understanding of this. Kalis Reich. Um I understand Kalis Roy um to be if you I mean we all remember we were screamed at by Arab and then like you know seventh grade Kus Roy you know I don't know that's the Kalis ro that's user it's mean lightheadedness literally I think it means flirtatious conversation that's what oser should not be should not be should not be done maybe do so that's also user um the really I think we basically covered more or less in regards to ka definitely ask your l kila is complicated the general algorithm for ka is general eneral with Mr. Man is ill. We'll be lenient if we need to be. Not with all our caucus, but we'll be lenient if we need to be. I had a guy just became he needs a shot taken, whatever, every day. Certain, okay, we'll figure out ways we tell her maybe to wear gloves. We'll figure out ways um to allow that to happen. But the other way around, we won't. Basically, we don't trust the guy basically because if she's if he's sick, we're like, "Okay, fine. He's sick." If she's sick and he's healthy, you know, sorry, we're not going to be lenient. So, that's that's the general formula. Again always ask the shila but that's the general uh the general understanding um of that and again there's two days a year we keep a caucus no matter what which is you know kipper and tissue tish we are leaning during the day sometimes some hold you can pass but regards towards um everything else all the caucus are um are on so that basically sums up um uh that basically sums up all of the caucus but I want us to understand something understanding over here is is that what's shot over here yeah is that you have this whole we have this whole is over here all these types of right different types of behaviors we just as now we went through a whole litany of them yeah most of them are both of us some of them are just on the man and other what's the idea the concept is is that our country created us for whatever reason is that we get sick of things it's something that's very real to understand and there have been college that have done studies that have gone through every single culture every single ethnicity every single religion and have realized that hey something's going on over here is divorce is skyrocketing what's the idea What's the concept? And it seems that what in all his different reviews is that what is that people are just bored. They're bored of their wives, right? They're bored. They're bored of intimacy. They're bored of it. And for whatever reason, Hashem made us that way. And the garra says this clearly. So therefore, we separate. Therefore, we separate. But here's what we have to understand something. We have to understand something that's important is that we hear about Yeah. We're going to have this coming this week's par. Learn that. It's actually it's interesting. learned that from Amar that's learned that from what is what is so we understand if you look at art's world conjugal relations that's what we understand right and we're trying to explain it but that's not that's not only it there is an that is there for the that is correct when the connects there is an act that we started out we talking about this that is created is like no other and the zire brings us down the comes into your home at that moment. It's at that moment that moment when there is an there is an there's unity like no other which we do not have with any other person in our lives. But understand there's an onesh just as well. And what's interesting is that there's no break from that and that's your constant constant obligation and the con the constant obligation of literally means time. That's the literal translation. It is our obligation to give her time and not just when she's it's time when she's user as well. And that's what we have to understand. It is a constant on us to take care of our wife's emotional emotional okay the needs of her nephesh not just the not just the and this is the biggest issue. You know why? Because we stink at this. That's why because we're horrible at this. because we don't need it from her. And I've learned with hundreds of guys and I've always asked them the same thing. Do you ever wonder if you're Kala? Maybe she's not into me. And without fail, every single one the same. I know she's into me. Um, I don't doubt at all. And you know what? You you didn't even doubt it even before you proposed. She was in. You know what? Cuz she is. But guess what? We're not always into her. And it's not a kasari. It's the way Hashem made us was to tell you guys something. You know what we could do now? As soon as the sh is done in a few minutes, get some more sushi. Go find the number of mash and say, "Hey, you know something? Maybe you got something else going on. Maybe you can go date someone else and you can marry someone else. You can marry a thousand women. I don't tell her this, okay? But you can you can Hashem made us with that ability. I had a guy call me once. He says, "It's crazy." He said, "I feel so bad." He said, "I was he was engaged. She was a cussing. I was I I noticed he was saying he couldn't even say it. I noticed another girl. I was like, "Okay, that means you're a man." He's like, "I go out my vart." I hear. But understand that this is in nature. What our kadesh broker created us that way is we are always on to the next thing. It's in the physical realms as well, right? We give off what? Millions and millions of possibilities. We're all over. and she takes one and makes it real. And we often say there's nothing that she desires more than our time. And that is our responsibility which is on us. And that's what these hakas are about is there's no physical connection. Now we're working strictly and solely on the emotional connection between us and our wives. And there's nothing she desires more than to know what is it about me that you like. There's this reader's digest joke. You see, there's an old man and an old lady and they're marriage counseling. And she's like, "You never even told me you love me." You know what his response is? I told him when we got married. If anything would have changed, I'll let you know. Right? But that's typical man. That's typical how we operate. Of course, you know you I'm married to you. Right? I bought you stuff. More than the stuff you buy her, it's the card that goes along with it. I can guarantee you she'll read that card again and again and again. And if she gives you a card, you read it once maybe and then we throw it out because I know deep down I know she's totally zoned into us. She bet her life on us. Everything she had is totally on us. And it's our a it's our to step out of that need to go out and go. And that's how she made us. Hashem made us that way. We're out. We're going. We're doing. Zone in on her. And if we can do that and we can create that unity, that sense of oneness and realize that the of the emotional connection, the emotional responsibility that we have to provide for her is on us always, always bring to our homes, bring to our homes.