Rabbi Donny Frank Shovavim Shiur - Exclusivity: Making your spouse you "soul" mate

Okay. Okay. Good. Okay. [clears throat] Okay. Today's topic is uh something to do with how to make your spouse your soulmate. That sound familiar? And uh it's um I I think it's it's a very timely topic. And uh almost you know like a conversation that we have to have that can explain if the conversation if a conversation that can explain some of the things that we see today that don't seem to make any sense. I had to decide in the past I've spoken there standing up and sometimes sitting over here. So the decision to sit is because it we can have a conversation. That's called a lecture. This is conversation. Um because I do think that uh you know we need to walk away with a with a clarity and something which should really be very pushed but we look around it's not. So I'll tell you boys as we go along. Meanwhile um my book making of a dynamic duo has two chapters in it. I mean there other chapters too about 60 chapters but two of them one of them is entitled soulmates s o u l mates with a question mark and it's because I I remember somebody telling me they went to a lecture and it was on and the topic was how to find your soulmate very common term today soulmates it's and uh and [snorts] the person told me that when when it was over it was for parents of singles and singles and it was over. Everyone was confused. The singles had no idea how to find a soulmate. I mean, it sounds so esoteric at the end of the day. How do you find a soulmate? And the parents of the singles were wondering, is my marriage am I married to a soulmate? Like, it start to put everyone into question like, how do you find one? And did I marry one? Because if you don't really know what a soulmate is and you can't identify it, you can't define it, it confuses people. So, in reality, >> [clears throat] >> Look, it's a spiritual term and marriage is spiritual, right? And uh and there's a lot that goes on. There's there's metaphysical stuff that takes place when we get married. There's a oneness that there's a surgical procedure that happens in kaducen. There's a surgical procedure that happens in this giten. That's why it isn't just a question about throwing the person away. You have to surgically take them apart since you have surgically put them together. But at a practical level, on a day-to-day level, what we're looking for is not so much a soulmate as much as um here's a term that I thought might be appropriate even though it's not going to catch on because it doesn't sound the same as soulmate, but like dolmate. It's a person you give to. Ava is love. Love is giving. So, you want to marry somebody that you are motivated to give to. And if you give and give and give, if that's what your orientation to the marriage is, you're going to have a really good marriage and probably what they call a soulmate. I mean, at the end of the day, you'll probably hit a soulmate. But it's not so esoteric to describe what it takes to make a marriage work. You know, somehow or other, it's very popular to speak today about getting your needs met in relationships. And people are reading books called How to Get My Needs Met. And it's curious to me because I always thought that marriage was about meeting the needs of the other. When did it suddenly flip that we marry so someone should love us and someone should take care of our needs when in reality marriage is about giving and giving and that's what it is. So we're adult mates. But I guess that's not going to catch on so much. So we got to stick with the uh at least phonetically soulmates sounds much more attractive. But that's when I wanted to make a shift. So we can still call it soulmates, but so that it has a more practical relevance to our conversation. We'll we'll spell the word instead of s o u l, we'll spell it s o o l e. And that will be our goal is to find out if we can marry if we're married to a soulmate. And somebody asked me this morning. They said, "What does it mean how to step on your spouse?" So I didn't realize there was actually a connotation like that. So okay, that's not what we're talking about today. Soulmate S O L E exclusivity someus is it necessary let's go with one or two when we talk about the soulmates well first of all we just finished the parro zus so there are different ways of daring this dus obvious way is to go up and down the rose hoki heads the list of and heads the list of but there's also way to dash sideways so I'm sorry what's the connection and everybody has it if you kill somebody you're in a certain way you're removing God's presence in the world so our goal is to acknowledge identify acknowledge relate to the presence of Hashem and if If you remove a person, you are taking away someone like him. Right? That's match number one. Match number two is what we're here to talk about tonight. There's a god. There's one god and no other. That's the bits of exclusivity when it comes to us in hashem. And if you go across in the in the uh terrestrial world, the parallel to that is marriage exclusivity. So if we're going to work on appreciating the exclusivity, then we have to be working on the exclusivity of our marriages. That's the [snorts] that's the paradigm all the other ways that marriage represents a paradigm of how we relate to Hashem. Similarly, it's the exclusivity we have with our spouse that's going to inform the exclusivity we have with Hashem. And we find with with uh I mean these are obvious references going through them but we find by by the sot give her to drink when she potentially might have violated the exclusivity and similarly we find kisa when violates exclusivity with hashem then they have to drink something to see whether they're guilty or not. So it's all parallels. You violate exclusivity with Hashem. It has a very similar process that you have when you violate exclusivity with your spouse. Make sense? We're good. And Oh, are you good? Good. You got advanced advanced uh training [clears throat] and kaducian kaducian. The implications of kaducion is what? That you're usering your wife to everybody else. Exclusivity. That's what marriage is about. It's exclusivity. [clears throat] I remember hearing somebody once, a guy once told me, I'm sorry. No, he didn't tell me this. The mother-in-law told me this. Mother-in-law said to me one day, she says, "You know, my my son-in-law said to me, your daughter needs therapy. Could you pay for it? So, uh, I said interesting. I mean, she really wanted to ask me about, you know, should she pay or not pay? I'm thinking like, how long are they married for? She's about 15 years. So, it's interesting. When does your daughter become my wife? He still thinks of her. Well, if you want to make the if you want to fund raise, that's what you have to say, I guess, right? But nicer, it's my wife. Where does my wife happen? My wife happens to that's it. From that point on the rearrangement of priorities, a person has to leave his father's home say leave your parents house and all of a sudden there's a the primary relationship the one that you you know focused your attention on hopefully would have been with your kib and your parents. All of a sudden there's a shift. Leave it and prioritize relationship with your spouse. it it emerges as the most important relationship as the one that we have to we have to give our our most of our quality attention to. So all these things are examples of of where we find exclusivity and one more source and then we'll see what's going on in the world today and see why this is so important. So um so talks about the page over here. What's the point of now? You know that building a building a building requires a strong foundation. If you ignore the foundation and you build a nice big edifice, at some point in time when that building starts to shake, you're gonna have to trace it back to the fact that your foundation wasn't solid. So if at any point in time there's some marital struggles first place to look is how is super foundational and we can and people can be married 40 years and realize that they never really dish right what is that so says I don't read the whole thing anyway it came to mind uh uh he would create the world and he wanted to be born from male and female. I'm going to get to the point I'm going to focus on. Um and his and therefore he was go upon us the nation that is called after his name that we should nation [snorts] we should settle with a woman who is us exclusivity and to establish children a full year sit with the woman for a full year. Why? What's the point? to get naturally accustomed to her. You're literally, you know, developing this connection with your wife. She's becoming the image in your mind of a woman. She is becoming the woman of your life. Takes it takes time. Look, I know when people are romantically, you know, attracted and they think they're going to love each other forever and two weeks after the marriage suddenly like what happened? It's not, you know, the type of thing that is talking about doesn't happen in a week. It's a year of focusing on each other, giving each other attention, and literally having the image of this woman be ingrained, literally settling and ingrained in your mind for the entire year. To the point that after that year is over, anything that has to do with another woman um in your mind is deros. It's foreign. No shify to me. I know shy to other women because I have a woman in my mind who is the only woman of my life etc. He goes on further over there. That's the that's what the shisha is. I'll show you this this this book that I uh I have images that I drew for each chapter. And so if you want to see what exclusivity looks like as an image close. Here's the image. See that? A group of men, a group of women, but there's only one for each of them. And a group of men, a group of women, there's only one man and one woman. That's the exclusivity. He's among men, she's a man. The man among men, and the woman among women. That's it. But it's it takes some training. It takes [clears throat] a shria of training to be able to generate that level of intensity. Now sha when it's established look there there are guidelines in shria people learning at col. So they don't have the night sa they stay home for night sa after shisha the the guidelines are relaxed but they're only relaxed it's not because you've been freed from jail. They're only relaxed because if you did do your job properly, then you can go continue to go out and and have the bond that you're going to continue to nurture throughout the rest of your life. But the bond was created. If the bond was not created properly to Shishona, it's sets the relationship on very shaky grounds for years and years to come. So, how are we doing in shria these days? How are we doing with exclusivity? I'm going to talk, by the way, about two different aspects of exclusivity. Right now, it's what we said now. It's our wife. She's mudeshano and the rest of the women are user to us. And we're not just talking about user physically user to us, but with all of the implications of what it means to have women asset to us. They're just not they're not there's no relationship. There's no emotional relationship at all with another woman to us. That's one type of exclusivity. How are we dealing with that? So, I can I can tell you a lot of stories. You know, we always have to set we always have to give one or two examples of what the problem is and not stay with it because then we could spend a whole hour just ranting on the problem and not solutions. But let's just talk one or two examples of what happens and it's not so unusual. So you have a young couple, a young young guy, we'll say, and I'm using as an example, it doesn't have to be there, but let's just use that as the example. He's in yeshiva and he can't wake up his own apartment. can't wait to have his own wife. Can't wait to be the one to host the Friday Night Matzov. He can't wait to be the one that his friends now can go to. So, he gets married and he tells his friends, "By the way, I'll give you the code to my apartment. You want a beer? Just go inside. You want to do anything? Just come inside my apartment. It's it's yours." And so, there was a story where a guy walks into the apartment and the wife is sitting in the apartment and thinks he's a burglar coming to the house and she doesn't know what to do. Guy guy walks in one of her husband's friends. What are you doing here? Oh, it's fine. Your husband said it's fine. He gave me the code to the apartment. I know you don't believe that story, right? That that can't happen. That's that's can't you can't imagine such a story like that can happen. But it happened and stories like that happen all the time and all the time. I don't get too exaggerated, but it happen. It's not a It's not a story that stands on its own. Different variations of the same story. This is your apartment cuz you're trying to be shown now. You're first getting married. Guys walk into your apartment [clears throat] again. Yeah. I um actually wrote an article I never never published. I wrote an article. I went visiting a certain community community wherever it was. I'm not going to say which community it was because it's very it's there's a lot of clutch of things going on over there, but I was a little bit taken aback and I almost felt like I was back in Woodburn as a teenager on a day off in camp. You ever been to Woodburn? very adolescent environment [clears throat] and uh young couples to be in a community that you know that is made almost entirely of young couples which means that the interactions are with other young couples. It's a risk factor. Hard to generate exclusivity when you're creating a semblance of a fraternity or you know but a fraternity of couples versus you know maybe not the you know when you were in your yeshiva but now with couples it's very hard to create exclusivity in such an environment and a lot of problems come out of it. a lot of problems than ever. I mean, I sometimes see them on when they come back, but I also know that I have to swallow that self there. There are these problems. It's a it's a I I I I'm not in the position to to um set the guidelines. Everyone has to figure out have their own sensitivities about what those guidelines ought to be. But the conversation has to happen. The young couples have meals with each other and a sha. Do young men who just got married invite their friends over for meals with a girl they couldn't speak to the day before they got married and all of a sudden they're best friends with her and they're with firstname basis with her. People have to make this decisions about that. But the decisions of that have to be able to be based on things like say like what does set up as the goal of Sha and is this consistent with that goal or is it antithetical to that goal make sense? [clears throat] social media. I heard a few weeks ago someone mentioned to me I don't know who this person is. I don't know the person who told me this but social media someone had mentioned to me that there's a from couple that announced on the Instagram accounts they decided that it's in the best interest of their relationship that they publicize their marriage and publicize what goes on and basically make their marriage open to the public. sat down, made a Now, not everybody makes that conscious decision when they post on Instagram or other kind of social media. They just do it and not realizing, you know, once somebody gets involved in it, they never know one of these things leads to the other. They slap their husband into the into the video and they but a conscious decision that says we decided that was best for our marriage is to publicize our marriage. Let the world see how we relate dayto day. Open up our diary, our couple, our our marital diary. I mean it's kind of hair raising where it's at today. So when the conversation used to be do we speak do you call the friend spouse by the first name now it's the questions are so much more you know advanced about how you protect the privacy and the exclusivity of the relationship. Yeah. Maybe afterwards you can share your own stories but for now I think uh you know if you believe me that things like this happen then we have work to do. So exclusivity in this context means obviously uh it mean it means look is probably the most concrete and direct set of guidelines to create exclusivity. So we're not going to go through here, but clearly says, you know, you cannot engage with the opposite gender in certain ways. That's straight up black and white. But the but the spirit of continues forward like the things we're discussing now, calling names and having meals together and whatever goes on, they're extensions of this concept exclusivity. The Torah doesn't give every single detail of anything. There's always here's the here's here's here are the halas that set a create the mindset. And now as opposed to being the novel bush of Torah be the koshu and figure out what the Torah is directing you towards what other areas you need to be able to make sure that you have your exclusive relationship. So it comes out it starts with the with the sumera don't don't don't be ex don't be secluded don't share your emotional life with an opposite gender. a member of the opposite gender. A lot of problems come about because you have someone's at work and they have a workmate and they end up sharing something personal about their life and one leads to the other and the and the other person is being very empathetic, maybe more empathetic than spouse back at home and [clears throat] therefore they continue to unload and open up and suddenly there's an emotional connection being made between two people not married. Then do they have do do you share personal information with someone the opposite gender? Do they is that should that be included part of their relationship? So the question becomes and this is more like the you know the way to reflect back on this. You have a you know conversation with your spouse and say how exclusive are we to each other? So what are the behaviors? What is the language? what goes on in our relationship that doesn't happen in another relationship with someone of the opposite gender. I remember I was we were living in Westport, Connecticut for a couple years. I was I stood as a rabbi and Westport. So, it's a pretty uh you know secular area, high profile. We were invited to a very expensive dinner by one of our one of our good friends in congregants and we ended up not going. Part of it because we tried to find an excuse not to go to it. But uh he I was given a heads up that they when they seat people at this very expensive dinner they make sure to put male men. For some reason they want to integrate the the the couples. You think if you're sitting separate at least have you know husband wife husband but they do could put husband wife husband wife husband wife I don't know what their what their angle is over here. So you ask a person in the secular world what what do you do with your wife that you would do with anybody else and the list is very small. Sometimes it does there's no list at all but if there's a list it could be a very very short list. The longer the list that we have, this is the the rule of thumb, the longer the list that we have that distinguishes between what we would do with our spouse versus what we do with somebody else of the opposite gender shows the degree to which our relationship is exclusive. Now, how do you play that out? You can do it yourselves, but it's good to reflect back to figure that out. Inside jokes have inside jokes of the ladies. Well, that's that's already too. So just maybe think about that point of reflection. What is our list of things that is exclusive to us and something we would not do with with a member of the opposite gender? Okay. Any questions by the way so far? I'm going to shift over to exclusivity part two. >> Women sometimes more than men share emotionally with other women, >> right? >> Is that what you're referring to? >> No. Opposite gender. You're just opposite gender. >> Opposite gender. You know, it's interesting because sometimes No, >> because it wouldn't be appropriate [clears throat] for not say men to discuss their emotional thing in their marriages with other men. >> I say marriages. I didn't say Oh, you said marriages. >> Well, not say marriage, but more emotional what's going in their life. No, I may touch on marriage. Not like >> I didn't say marriage. Okay. So, people talk about things going emotionally struggling if he's so inclined. If he has a kabusa that you know spend the first 20 minutes opening up emotionally, it's fine. But if you talk about talk about the marriage, that's a different discussion. >> Uh but it's interesting because uh sometimes a woman would say to a husband u something like you know you know when I speak to my my my good friend or my sister or whatever I feel they could they hear me better than you hear me you know >> you know they get frustrated like how come the husband can't empathize the way her best friend empathizes with her? So whatever I mean >> cuz a man is not a woman >> because right sometimes the man just can't say it the way another woman can say it. But the but I do say like this. If the fact that the woman could be there for the wife in a way that shows she cares more about the wife, that's a problem. That was you're not off the hook because you can't speak like a woman. There still has to be some way you show to your wife that you care about more her about her more than anybody else cares about her. But you might not have the language. You might, you know, you have to go maybe trip on the words. It's okay. We don't you don't have to we might not be able to say it the way another woman can say it, but you should not be able to walk away believing that then. Therefore, the other one actually cares more about him than that's where and off the hook. So, speak to [clears throat] your friend. I don't really care. Speak to your friend. She does that kind of stuff. I don't do that for you. >> [snorts] [clears throat] >> Yeah. Any any other uh questions, points about Yeah. >> back in the day more than one way. >> Yeah. How does the book that >> it's it's a good question. You have to ask that question, right? Um but what you know, obviously whenever I talk about this topic, that's that's something I'm waiting for someone to ask. But we do know that it's called we know it's not it's not it's not how you're supposed to do it. It was a it was a as the Risham explained it was an arrangement that was need necessary to protect younger girls but at the end of the day they're still tas you know and the the name that each co-wife has is a Torah tells you right off the bat that this is not something you really want to try at home. Okay. Anybody else? Okay. So, so when we say exclusivity is an and there's no other and it becomes really clear this is this is my wife everyone is also to me and at at obviously in the most you know the loss level but we know that loss has levels as subtle levels you know many of us are not tempted with los but there's uh in every in every iss there's a there are layers there more subtle layers you have to be careful about it if we're not We normally go to but there's there's other levels of it. So we want to make sure that we get to lo we've covered every one of those levels pure exclusivity. The second part in fact maybe I should share with you before I get there. Let me share with you one other uh I'll come back at the end so it's over. So now the second part of exclusivity is not just that there is no other woman that uh that I have a relationship with a a relationship a relationship that is more than somebody which is just a very practical let's say business relationship or a cordial relationship but no emotional relationship with another woman. That's one piece of of exclusivity. But another one is the constancy. We don't marry and engage as a fair weather friend. Like when I feel like I when I feel close to my wife, I'll be nice to her. When I don't feel so close to her, she's not being nice to me. So all bets are off. I'm not going to go to another woman because I've already mastered the first level of exclusivity. But I'm just not uh I'm not in the mood to to be nice to her. Exclusive couples are married all the time. It's a relationship that is is not a fair weather friend. Only when she's good, that's when I'm going to be good to her. It's through the ups and through the downs. We could be in a fight. make you feel [clears throat] disconnected. But at no point in the marriage does it ever get to does it ever get to to to a point where you lose the fact that at the end of the day this is my wife. And if she's my wife, even when we're not in a good place, there are certain things I still will not do and other things that I still will do because my wife, it's not again, not all bets are off. I'm still in a relationship at all times. There's, as I say, there may be a break in their love, but not a break in the commitment to each other. It's actually based on what Bulby has to say for a contress for if you ever seen it, small countress, very important pieces in there. But he starts off with a conversation that he has with I mean it's it's a real conversation but he makes up this conversation a dialogue he has with the young Hassan and he says to the what do you think it is that is the foundation for a for a good solid marriage. So Hassan says what he's heard. He says uh mutual love and he says nope no good. Remember foundations are foundations have to always be there. Can't take this foundation away from a from a building for a couple minutes. You know it has to always be there or else it's going to collapse. Says mutual love that can't be the foundation because there will be times and hate to hate to break it to you. You know says to Leon but there going to be times you're not going to be so uh you're not going to like her so much. And he even says there'll be moments of riska you might really be angry with her. You might not like her. That's you know throughout the course it's different points of your marriage. So that can't be the foundation. Okay fine. So let's try something else. How about mutual understanding? Mutual understanding. That's for sure not going to happen, right? Mutual understanding. There'll be times you're not going to understand the words she's saying. So the what is it? So they tells him, he reveals to him the basis of of a marriage. It's not very romantic, so hang in there. You're not going to get this one. You're not going to guess this one. The basis for a marriage is to medisha. So the the the foundation for a home is taking on the all. It's a responsibility. I'm taking on I'm making a commitment. And commitments travel. See, not fair weather. I'm in the mood. I'm not in the mood. I'm committed. That's the foundation. There will never be a moment in your marriage that you can't draw from commitments. That's why it's a foundation. That's the exclusivity. This is the re the relationship that must always exist in my life even if I'm not in the mood. Asked somebody came and said upset his wife and he as a result of that he wasn't doing certain and he said um are you did you put on today? He said yeah. So we have to be good to your wife too. I mean what is the fact she wasn't that you're not happy with her to be nice to your wife. I mean, what's the Okay, you're not going to be loveydovey. You're not going to be ausively positive when she's when you're in a fight, but she's your wife. Yeah. If if farting is you bring the paycheck, you bring on the paycheck whether you're in the mood for it or not. Whether you're in a fight or you're not in a fight, you got to you bring on the paycheck, you put your socks in the hamper whether you're in the mood or not, you know. So, just that's the the >> putting socks in the hamper is not part of the feeling. >> Yeah. Just use that as something that guys can relate to. Maybe or women can relate to better. There are words you will never say, deeds you will never do, acts of service you will never withhold when you're aware of the I conversation with a very obviously no no clues as to who this is, but a very really person. You struggle with your own bias. Who's got good vikas here? Where's the about how you treat your wife? Anybody know? >> Let's say right around that area, right? So, so he went to speak about at the end he asked him for a braha for Shan Bayas. He said like he was surprised he needed a braha. He said, "Whatever." That's it. That's all he said. And the guy told me, he said he like he didn't know what to do with it. It's like it hit him like a knife. What's What's it talk about? He just he just quoted the maram and he and that was it. has a really really um I think very uhistic of shot with Mar says that it's like a no of Isa lenim is like a noisha. So that's pretty intense. Okay. So I take a pick up a s here for there. Maybe I'm not the biggest masid, but uh you know like a no issue like like an adulterer like what's a shas? So says what's what is a what's a what's a masid? What's a masid? How do you define a masmid? So people sometimes think a masid he loves learning. This guy always loves to learn. He's learning. That's not true. That's not a masmid. As as much as as one loves learning, there are going to be times when you're just not in the mood to learn. It's like that in in everything in life. You're not always going to be up for everything all the time. A masmid is somebody who hopefully loves to learn most of the time. But when he doesn't, when he's not in the mood, he does it anyway. A masid is somebody who who who defines commitment. He's always there. But he's the moon, not the moon. is not a masid. I do it when it's attractive to me and it's not attractive, I don't do it. That's a know if Isa know is somebody who when he's attracted to uh he's attracted he engages. He's not attracted to engage. But that's not marriage. You might not always be attracted but you're musmed. Are you alone with the proin or you're a masid? So the only way you could be a masid in a relationship is if you go back to what Revoli says that that's what marriage is. Marriage is it's a commitment. It's it's a it's taking on the old. It's not I say it's not romantic, but it's what keeps the couple together through thick and thin. It makes sure that we're it's it's a constant in our in our life. That's the exclusivity aspect of the year is a constant. Um, so what do we have so far? Soulmates, exclusivity. You know, by the way, we talked about exclusivity. The first part of it was not to engage with the opposite gender in ways that need to be exclusive to our our spouse. But sometimes in a marriage where things aren't going so great whatever wife is being very critical and it's not easy to be with her so much. So we find outlets some outlets are really bad like let's call that let's say uh Neo is a really bad outlet. You know when you when you want to get out you can do catastrophic things for the relationship and Neo is pretty catastrophic. it it if it doesn't end the marriage, it's gonna certainly put it on the brink. Divorce is catastrophic. It's over. I mean, to it's a catastrophic to the relationship. It's over. But then there are things that are not as overt. They call them functional exits. A functional exit is where you're working and working is a good thing. you're working make panasa but for some reason you end up spending more time in the office than you would ordinarily spend because you're not you don't want to be at home so the energy that's supposed to be at home you're now reinvesting into your into your business or suddenly the guy becomes he becomes takul he you know he just he just stays in the base mish because and he's look I'm learning so I'm learning So those are called functional exits. You really you're if you take a uh let's say u there's a certain energy that ought to be contained within the relationship that ought to be used to build connection and there are holes and it's kind of like it's fizzling out. So you're still married. I mean you're still a good guy but there's no energy there. you're not, you're no longer building and deepening connection because the energy that is needed to do that, the time, the the quantity time, the quality time just isn't there because it's being spread out to other places. It's diffusing. So, that's a slow death. It's not catastrophic, but a slow death. And when you start to realize, you know, I'm realizing that I'm that I'm doing that, it it's it's it's a call for satisfaction, whether it's to get ex external help or to have a conversation or whatever, but it's a slow death. So much so, and I want to show you now, we we you know, when we talked about Shan Rishon, obviously, we're talking about people who are just starting out and it's, you know, it's always good to know ahead of time what your job is. So if you come your and you know I got a job ahead of me shria let's do this right so that u we can have the foundation for a for a great marriage and keep building on it that's great but when we don't do the sha properly and we've haven't really solidified what have described as what needs to happen it can create all kinds of problems as the as the as as the marriage unfolds um and if we're finding young couples who don't understand the idea of exclusivity. It's interesting because uh you know we have daughters and I've heard this from other single [clears throat] girls that they get very very upset when their friends get married and seem to forget about them. So it's a common refrain that you hear you know they're best friends they travel together they spend time together all of a sudden friend gets married and she's not only with her husband and and she kind of forgot about us. Now, obviously, it's important to be sensitive to the friends that are still single. But it's so interesting to see how a lot of times those friends who are left behind when they get married, they do the same thing, which is good actually. I mean, it's I feel bad for the ones they left behind, but they'll do the [clears throat] same thing hopefully when they get married, too. This is, you know, they can't hang out with you the way they hung out with you before. They have a relationship to build. They have they have a responsibility to do what the sh they can't have you hanging around their house all day long like we said earlier about opening up your house and my friends over to come by because now they're going to chill in my house. It's not that's not the job of shisha and if it ends up becoming one big party it can create problems that year and it can also be the basis of problems that can play out throughout the course of the marriage. So, we got to address the young population. But at the same time, I don't know. Uh I'm just hearing more and more um challenges that are going on with as couples entert hearing divorces. >> What is it? But definition, it's when kids uh get out of the house, you know, they marry off, they marry off the kids, kids go off to yeshiva and they're they're basically left alone and the distraction of bedtimes and everything and homeworks and carpools suddenly they find themselves facing each other for breakfast, lunch and supper and like it's getting boring. So, uh it becomes a crisis like what happens to the marriage and the kids are gone. It's a very important question today. So can we trace that back to sha zerine says um he says that let's see what's this page if I photocopied the right page there's there's um he said he describes couples where you you could find Oh, here it is. You have a couple godless yodian bets. They they they raise their kids together and the kids are healthy, beautiful home. Could very well be that you never heard one and g one against the other peaceful respectful. The house is a model home in terms of bias and in terms of the kids and anybody who walk into this house that we're talking about they're like a pair of doves that they're this amazing couple enter the heart of the house see it's not like that and he says like says, "If someone did not invest during the course of all those years, an emotional bond throughout those years, [clears throat] it's it could turn out that there's absolutely no emotional connection between this couple." And that's you can have a divorce of an incredible