Rabbi Avi Neuberger Shovavim Shiur - Insulation is Not Education

Okay, good evening. Thank you so much for having me. Um, this is like I think the fourth time I'm speaking on serim in this very location. Um, and uh, my hero was first of all the sign that they had as a title for this uh, for speech was technology in a digital in a digital age which I think was the title last year as well. And my hish was that they better change that name because it's like um I'll tell you like I'm I had a talid that was they went to the army and there was a big problem. They I guess they they really rolled him very hard and uh there was a lot of suicides from the from his from his group. So uh there every other week they had another uh seminar or something aboutu suicide prevention. The [snorts] joke he told me in his battalion was that if I have to go to another suicide seminar, I'm going to jump off her roof. It's like the ladies when there's going to be another speech about SNES. They said I've had it and nobody's interested in hearing about anymore. It's overdone, overexposed. Nobody wants to know about it. Technology in the in the digital age, I think, is going to suffer with the same type of marketing problems. So, we [snorts] changed the name. The name is insulation is not education. And hopefully that brought in a big at least you didn't lose anybody. Um therapist u but the truth is that the it is a moving target even though technology is a problem that you know it's ongoing for the last four or five years but it's changing and it's a moving target and the way to deal with it has to change also. You have to be very fluid in your in the way you're dealing with it. Um [snorts] I think when it first started the internet was primarily seen as a a front to our kaduca. When they had the internet miba it was all about trying to address the sakana to the kaduca and there was a tremendous problem of of kaduca it it it let people get on the on their fingertips exposure to the worst possible uh prokite and that was that was primarily about that. There was there the the internet was all about about kusha and so on. Uh but then then it moved on to the smartphone and the smartphone was not just about that was that it was that plus it was about attention span about having constant clicks and and on your finger you can't get anybody's attention. Everybody's always looking at the phone and it was ruining it was ruing attention span it was ruing relationships because people are not talking to each other on the phone all the time. You know those famous uh I mean it's not famous just w to a restaurant and a couple sitting on the both on on the phones the whole time. I if if you're a rebby and you have a ma and the kids have phones you forget about it you you can't talk to them. They're not talking to each other even and you can't talk to them. They're on the phone the whole time. It's like it's it it and the G develop it's like known that you know the social media has has created isolation. It's like it's it we get to the smartphone really attacked our our our our relationships and our our our attention span and then and then AI cames along that was last year. I'm not going to make it I'm not going to say the poem again for those who remember it but but uh last year AI attacked a different our our motivation our creativity our individuality cuz whatever you could do it could do better like and it could do it much faster and it's it's unbelievable. So like if you want to say what of a person if our in our physical intuition that was attacked by the kaduca by the first date our our intellectual part was the what was the was the smartphone and now our who we are our individuality is being attacked by the AI. So and the thing is that even if until now there was some way of making some sort of barriers against all these things and make and shmeiras and filters and so on but at this point it just it's simply not shak you can't lock out AI it's just not happening first of all everybody uses it and it's a it's a it's a tool that everybody has but even more so the problem the problem is that it's accessible by every dumb phone you now you don't have a smartphone you just pull up one rich chat GBD and it's right there. So there's no and and they talk to you and apparently there are different ones that could even talk to you in the past ways and I so there's no those days are over the not that there was koulai vulai of course you have to have the filters and a lot and so on but at this point the has to be on a very basic level on a on a much more real level that we can't use the and just on that as a way of protecting ourselves and our children. These conversations are always always um presented as are a threat to our kids. It's it's a smokeokc screen. It's it's fool. It's it's bologoney. It's not a threat. It's a threat to our kids. If it's a threat to us, we it's just easy to talk about in terms of your kids than talking to yourself, but it's it's a threat to you too. Um my brother whom some of you might know from this from over here hangs around over here. And whenever I get a real nice van, I know somebody's confusing me with my brother. So uh he uh he was was talking to a bunch of uh you know he was giving a share and it was during it was a night during a weekday. So it was like it was about and he asked them uh this is before AR and he said you know what I have an experiment you all have smartphones I want you all to put on your history you know click to click your history and then give your phone to your to the guy next to you. anybody in [laughter] that one guy. You know what I mean? Now, it's like to talk about the fact that uh it's a it's a threat to our kids is not 100% honest. It's true that a threat to the kids more because the threat the the kids generally don't have as much self-control, but uh it's really a threat that we all have to deal with. Um and again, the barriers don't work. I I just last year I I told you one from from AI I just came across another thing. Unbelievable. I I do a lot of translating that's uh one of my jobs and there's a guy at Risman he's a big famous gir from LA he wrote from rutki so I I translate his swarim into English and published by art scroll so it's contemporary shila so he discussing with a famous shila about um what happens if a lady forgets to light candles Friday night what's the is and when do you apply the kas oh it's a whole s this class you're adding adding candles So he writes there that it's interesting because some people say is the bias the bias is to have candles but for some reason over there the debas is a sign to the woman the lady is one that lights the shabas but Khan is also certainly a issue based in the bias over there the men like it if the bias by shabas and why Shabas is assigned to the ladies and there is assigned to the man. That was the question that he dealt with in the top. So the guy I had it somebody else the author already had translated the top on the bottom. It was a subnotes from somebody else who had written something in and the guy wrote an interesting thing but the author had decided not to not to translate it. So he just left it. I read it I read the thing in the bottom. It made sense. Let's translate it. What what did the guy write? The guy wrote that it's different because but when it comes to so in the light the light go out in the studio it's the mitzvah so the so are assign to the man didn't having the house lit so therefore it's it's a sign it's it's a it's a house it's a sign to that's what the guy wrote in the bottom anyways and the way he wrote it was he wrote he wrote Anyways, it was a twoline thing and I figured what am I translating it for? I took the whole line and I said translate this. Not only did it know the whole and not only did it know to open up the of how many times you find I didn't get the whole piece. just just that line. It knew to open up to and even knew this was the even bigger [snorts] to write it in italics because when when you when this type of when you when you write a phrase that people know you're going to write it first in italics in Hebrew and then translate into English. So I wrote had h a d l a k ah you know osa mitzvah and then translated the it's the light it's the act of lighting that makes the mitzvah it's how how smart AI is some sometimes it's like scary how good it is in any case that's the problem the problem is that it's it's not in the front to our sense of indiv individuality to our initiative to anything they want to do as a on like whatever you could do it could do better so it's a So but getting back to it what I said what I said before that um the barriers are not going to work. Uh recently I was I wrote an article in the Mishbah magazine that's what the name of the of the speech was. I wrote insulation is not education and that over there the takers are like the idea was like this. I'm involved with some of the yeshivas in in town. I'm on the rabbitic board and this time of the year, like a little bit earlier, uh like end of December is when all the applications come in and I always get like a million phone calls, you know, if you get me into this, you know, I'm like my kid has to go to no matter what, you know, and they get a million phone calls from desperate parents at this I have to go to this place, this mish, you know, and the other any the other options and uh you know, and it's as if as if you know I could push for any I could push in Taka but to push somebody because the guy I learned with my set my with my with my aid in second s in Lakewood two years ago you know that's not exactly the best way to push somebody in but you know you want a phone call I'll make a phone call but do I really think it's going to work no and it doesn't work usually because because you know we hesitation that they're they're overrun by a bunch of places and it it doesn't really work but the main thing is that the sense of desperation is what make me nuts. [snorts] No, if you want to go if you want to send your kid to a certain yeshiva surely go for it. But the if you don't get into that yeshiva be gel the the ironic thing is that a lot of the people who make who make these phone calls themselves went to an out of town yeshiva where there was all sorts of people in the yeshiva half the kids were from some of the kids were not from some of them were modern some of them were different someish you know you don't have the choices when I was growing up there was I [clears throat] was in I was in the hub the tri-state area so we went to toimo he went to flap you went to the mir that was basically three choices orin. So that those those are three places those there was no there was no distinction between more yeshivish less this and that. It was all basically the same. So so what was cavea? So so so why why wasn't everybody all afraid and everything? Because a healthy relationship between a father and a child will generate that the kid will automatically follow them in the of the father. It's not again if you want to push for for for a certain but if you think that that insulating the kid to exactly your is going to guarantee anything it's baloney. It could even be argued that it's not healthy that when that if somebody so in and so insulated that he only is exposed to somebody exactly he's so then later on when he gets a little bit smarter and he gets out to the world and he'll find out you know what the guy's a little bit across the street not it's not necessarily a big Russia just different than me and you know I remember when when I when I first I went to wood yes when I went to the mirror all the kids were to ferris to kids to kids a little bit more modern and [clears throat] and I had culture shock how nice they were, you know, like what's going on over here. They're to kids that supposed to be more modern and icky and horrible, you know, but they weren't. They were very nice kids actually. They were actually nicer than my my other place. But the thing was the whole the whole uh the whole the whole attitude of you have to like insulate kids. If if I don't get to then oh my gosh, I'm going to have to go to Okay. you know, I'm going to get it's not that the whole the whole desperation of this completely it's it's wrong and but it's wrong because first of all it's it's not healthy but it's wrong because it won't work. It just doesn't work even the insulation is not going to work. the kids will eventually get exposed and like but everything else if you want to insulate also that has a milo but to insulate only when your whole education is all about insulation it's it's simply it's it's fool's goal it doesn't work it it's not it's not it's not the real stuff it's just meanwhile it's a way of making a barrier making a making a shmeir but in the long run that's not that's not real education it's just it's fool's go it's not going to So what is to what is going to work? Education. So what is education? Education is like this. I'll just say a small a short I said last week's para u and uh well I'm not okay. It says by found a to be a neon. What does it mean to be a neon? A [clears throat] neon means somebody you could trust. This M Shapiro used to say this over somebody you could trust a flesh person. What does it mean person? That mean let's say you have someone that's very valuable your I don't know a diamond ring or your car you drive you drive a a Tesla. So are you going to give it to somebody to drive? You're not going to give it to a wild kid. But if you have a a neighbor across the street that's a decently responsible person. Okay, maybe you'll lend this car. That's a that's one level of neonas. Let's say that somebody wants to move into your house when he has a bunch of kids. I don't know. Is he going to let him move to your house? That's maybe more valuable. If you have to speak to your wife about, you know, but if you if you really trust the guy, if you really are stuck and emotable thing, the level of trust on that has to be even higher. And if somebody's going to be you're going to give over everything to the to to to another person that person has to be completely found he found to be that means says I I trust so much I have such in him I'm willing to give him I'm willing to give him my most everything which is the tabria is that there should be a um and Israel that um that is so dedicated to that I'm going to give over to them my mission which is to bring and into the world and to be that person who is so and so and so dedicated to that he was able to make him the one that was going to bring the message to the world. Why? Because it was a tit for attack because was completely trusting to the degree of that he was willing to give up his most valuable possession says so he was to do that. So therefore that was so far on if that's the right word he relied on to such a degree I don't think it was the right word got here I don't think any [laughter] he was so he was so relying on to the degree that he was willing to give up his own child that wants it best for me I trust that to that degree so much the tit for that says I trust you and the whole mission of the world is given over to to we so avo becomes the ambassador for's message to the world. We parents are ambassadors for's message to our children. That's our job. Kids don't know the same we don't know. We know from our from our connection to our parents and if that we present to to our children in a way that's positive and gishmach and authentic they will respond to it in a positive way. That's education. Education is that we're ambassadors from that means they they represent the to the kids. they see the screener by the parents and if it's a shaach and it's something that's attractive and it's something that they're going to be drawn towards that's education that'll work out but if it's not then it'll backfire cuz that if if if that's who you are and that's what you represent then I'm not interested. Um so I heard what's his name uh Malik you know the the the famous speaker he says that when we get married you know by you walk down the guy's walk to and and when what's the niggon you sing so he says when you first go down that's you know the guy walked down with the whole fantasy I'm going to show a vic the gun and then a couple years later he goes and then finally anyways sneaking around the fantasy. We all have fantasies about how we're going to style back our house but it doesn't necessarily work out the way the fantasy was made. Um, but the terrorist is that if you if you really wanted to work, it has to be an authentic connection to your kids. And and that's really what we're talking about. We're talking about a connection from him that if it's authentic, if it's a real authentic connection to your kids, then your message as an ambassador of the will get will will come through. Um again just to for one one second uh uh veering off to the para this week's para when um it says um that all is going to be around when and we're going to see a dialogue between me and then it says the next part is and then when when he then then Moshe tells Hashem what they said but they didn't say anything. He told them and they didn't say anything and then it says they didn't say anything. She says famously we don't they said we don't want this we want to have a direct connection to that then the next oh if you want direct connection then then then uh then then you have to separate so the what what they realized was what Milo was was that they realized that for them to be connected to it had to be a direct connection you know if it was going to be something that was really going to impact upon them it had to be a what's fascinating is I think you know that there is I sort of h talks about this the par of Israel is that which precedes the terra and the question is why does the par of Israel go right before mountain so it could be the story happened at that time but some say that actually came afterwards right so says a very strange thing and I can't even say it over because I you look in in the he says something very strange. Okay. I [laughter] it's a it's a but um it's to see it inside just uh but I can't say it's you have to see it inside. Anyway, but that's the question. Why does why does the story of come first? The question is this and this is what uh asks. He said what was grace the eight just told him to delegate. He said you're working too hard and everybody's come to you. Why don't you just delegate and make and that's it where your work like what was the big what was the big in that like and oh very good like like what was the like what was the so says um here says okay this is without mentioning in this part idea of delegating comes up right at the beginning of of how could I carry the whole thing and says um who should we hear from you directly from and so on. So Mutafka wanted to be he didn't want this this idea of teaching them through an intermediary because if he be direct the same way they themselves coped it when it came to terra and they said realized that if he would have that upon him with Israel he would be a better would be a more authentic connection and therefore he didn't want to do that but then when Israel suggested and they said yeah all excited about it. He wanted to do it. He said, "Okay, if you don't want that connection, I'm not going to force it." You know what I mean? But the idea is that's why didn't suggest it in the first place because he didn't want to lose that connection. And what makes a connection real is when there's an authentic father in front of authentic child. Because let's do it this way. when [snorts] we are very different when we are at work or when we are on the street in Shul and we are home that in there's a certain deris that we automatically project when we're at work we talk nicely and we don't insult people and we try to be nice and then where when we're in yeshiva or on the street and we go we we talk nicely and so on but we get home okay flip the jacket home I'm going to take you flip on the couch and you know that's you know you're you're more authentic when you get home and that's natural another quote from Malik is that he was talking about the difference between between husbands and wives and he says you know the wives are busy hope working at home like a dog this and that you know and the husband comes home and you know he uh he just like comes home veg out on the couch you know that's what he does like he says to see kasa you know they put on the phone kasa in his world anyway so uh he [laughter] said that that you know very often And when you go to a simka, all the men are dancing in a circle and the ladies are going talking and talking. What what are they so fascinating about? Because they're just dancing in a circle. He says, they're so surprised to see the men actually moving, you know. [laughter] So, um, no, but the thing is that that when you get home, you're much more natural and regular and and authentic. He says the same thing to your kid. Your kid is always more natural and more authentic and more real. when he's home. So in school he could be a model student, but the impact of his rebim and and who and will never be the same as what goes on between a father and a kid because the the the the scene is his work scene and it's not as authentic. It's not commandable upon him. It's not the same realness that they could be in the house. And because of that, it's so important that what goes on in the house has to be for real. Kimar, I I I heard this from from somebody who participated in it. I was I was shocked and disappointed and but that's what goes on. There was there's a shoe store in in Lakewood and the shoe store in Lakewood sells the upto-date shoes for kids every season. That's the shoe store that you got to go to of Zoite. It's so popular that on the day that uh on the day that the new for the new season comes in, there's lines and they can't accommodate everybody. So that the system is like this. You know, like when you go to the bakery, they give you a ticket. So at 9:00 the door opens and they give you a ticket and then and that that's that's going to be your slot and then later on in the day the you could call up and what what they're up to then then you're going to get serviced. So this lady said she show she showed up 9:00 by the time she showed up there was a 45 minute wait for her to get her number that she's going to come later on and at 4:30 that day right there she was able to go to actually go and get the shoes for her kids. I said I was you know like why because everybody has to be exactly like everybody else. It's like it's it's bizarre that this idea that there's no that everybody's just conforming means that there's nothing real coming coming through. There's nothing. There's no pride. There's no self-ride and individuality and who you are. It's just about copying and and and and and conforming to the clal. Where's the where's the where's authenticity? It's like it's all just copying the next guy. I heard once sorry from it didn't sound like you know very often you go to an class you don't really hear kadesh which is fine. You don't have to have a strong claims he doesn't he doesn't give a kdish which is not true but it but but he he said something I mean it sounded like when you first heard it he said the main thing that you could convey to your kids is a pride in your family's mahalik a pride in your family it's not that guy but it's not like that at all let's say you had a Hungarian family and Hungarian family like an Hungarian family they're very they listen to the R they'real you know they're they're nanom kapa you know there's not there's not mahal that type and then Zakish and and are family they're straight they'll they'll never fool around they'll they're not fancy and then you got people million different are very vomid you know there's there's million different of how your Yiddish guy can be portrayed those are all real things and there's a very healthy pride in in in feeling those in feeling that and conveying that to your kids that's a real kamay part of upon him. But when all you care about is that your kid should wear the same shoes as the other kids, so he shouldn't be a neb. And you think that you're providing your kid with a favor by making sure that he wears the same shoes like everybody else's shoes. It's it's completely it's it's a completely uh it's a distraction from what's real. Real is to give a sense of pride to your kid. And how is that? By being authentic. I my father was a was was a physics professor and uh he was a real professor person and uh he uh he was old school like a whole different um he also he gave a fel doesn't this anymore he gave it for 50 years in the basement there um I don't know how many times um but I would say this is the image that I have and I it's something that I cherish if um he was a big Yankees fan. So So and he didn't hear good. He didn't he had he had a problem with his hearing from he had an operation. They didn't have tubes when he was a kid. So they operation on his ears and and he wasn't able to hear well. So he used to listen to the Yankees game very loud. Okay. But he also had to pay the daff. So there was steer. So he so so he he listen to the Yankees game and listen to the daff. Um and then also was like in Kent mentioned the New York Times. So if I I would go into the bedroom L Marshall it would be it would be lying it was lying on the bed for paying the daff the New York Times on the floor the Yankees came blaring and Ella on the night table is on it you know so the it was the kids ste that's who he was it was very authentic that but the authenticity of of the of the message that he had and him and my mother would same way like that the real values and there was never a shy of looking over your shoulder to somebody else whatever somebody else was doing you Well, I remember it's funny. I was friendly with with with Arya Shina, ladies father, uh lady's older brother. Um and I went to the house. I said, "Man, this house is really is really pushing more pushing than my house, the shin's house." But but you know, there was never there was never an Indian bal about uh about money and this and that. It was about values. And when you when when you convey to your to when you convey to your sh to your children a sense of values, that's the real protection. That's real education. That's really that it's it's mind. It's a mind pon upon them. And like uh so so it's not about it's not about ringing the waist. It's not about it's not it's not about ringing the waist of society who looks at who. It's about being who you are. And then if that message if that authentic message carries with it and hopefully it does then that will go over to the kids. If you are a Urasia Mayan and you're authentic in your in your education of your children, your Eurosa Mayan will go over to the kids. And today's in today's technology, that's the only thing that's going to work. The barriers, installation is not going to work. The only thing that's going to work is real mind. If you have your own mind, it'll carry over to your kids and Yeah. Yeah. It has to come across with a positive idea, but with an authentic relationship again like like I last time list I spoke about being a friend with your kids. That means having a real relationship. That's that's certainly true. grad I want to qualify this guy I realized that there's looking at the next generation like that my kids are parents there's one aura I have I I mentioned this and that is that there's a there's an idea about gentle parenting that you should never like never be too forceful with your kids I think that that's completely ridiculous if a kid is when kids are little they need toughness they need regimen you know stop making in your pants go to the toilet you know what I And you can and you can let them have it. And kids appreciate the regimen. And that's that's completely not a skewer to be a kid's friend. It's two different things, two different ages. When little kids are little kids, you don't let them mul away to what they want. You put your foot down and it it's the best thing cuz you otherwise you make yourself crazy and you make the kids crazy because they keep on nuding you and and not you're not you're not you're not being tough with them. So they think they're going to do enough, they'll be able to get it. And they can't win actually if you don't put your foot down. Just right away. This is the way it is. That's finished. I'm not negotiating. You eat, there's a supper, and that's all. Nothing else. No negotiating. It's it's a when kids are are younger, you just put your foot down. At the same time, as they get older, you also have to be very authentic and real and friendly with them. Like I said, that was last time that was last year. Be friendly with them, but be open with them. If you find something interesting, you don't have to tell it to your friend, tell it to your kid. Something gmach, something funny, something interesting. You have to you have to be in touch. If it's if it's an authentic relationship, it'll carry over. Otherwise, it'll never carry over. Uh it says by uh it says that uh and and and from there we learn out that there was there was so says they were upon themselves to to the ter again and they give so the question is that Rashi know this he says how does because the ter because it says how do they know how because if their connection to the was then that positive relationship would be something that would be uh would be passed on to the children without that it wouldn't work. [snorts] Um yeah so okay that's basically uh that's basically what I want to talk about u and uh again the idea is about about being authentic and about being real and that type of a connection about being authentic and real is um is is what is what guarantees that uh that the relationship will go to the next generation. Um yeah, just uh just uh uh one more thing [snorts] u about about learning with your children. So you know so what I'm talking about being authentic and real and and friendly and gishmach and positive and and that's what connects to your children. Um, learning with your kids is a landmine. I because because kids automatically feel that when you learn with them, it's a fer. And if it's a fer, it's going to backfire. It just makes it ne negative and pressure and not the and it's not a positive experience. And for that we have wonderful and you can be on theim for teaching your kids as a nice of a thing that it looks like and all the fathers sing with the kids is so beautiful. I went through it. It's awful. It it's because you try to get your kid to learn the kids learn at all this see this there this there 50 other kids everybody's making noise together. It's impossible to get anything. What I did over was I got my my my sons together, my my son my my sons together. We sat around the table and I hacked with them a little bit and I tried to get some play in there also. But I didn't care about that so much to be honest with you. I thought it was more of a forum to connect to spend 45 minutes with your kid is a time to connect. Don't worry about the learning. The learning will be done by the yeshiva and when and then the durab are great at this and leave it to the rabbim. Your job is to connect to your kid. That authentic connection is the best guarantee on your connected AI and B whatever you can want the possible the the best connection is that connection and that is what we have to be stressing at all times and the learning that if you can learn something else that's not in yeshiva thing that could be okay if the kid want if you can make the kid will enjoy it and not feel pressure but even though there's practically speaking very often it's much better to do it uh to to Leave it to the in in this way we say and uh and that's just a general piece of advice. Anyways, there. Thank you.