Donny Frank Shovavim Lecture - Why Shalom Bayis is not that Complicated at Scheiner's Shul

good evening I'm Donnie Frank and uh marriage and family therapist and I guess here we are doing shim where the focuses on different aspects of shom bias so trying to think of a t a title for today's talk so the person who had asked me to speak I said can you give me a list of the titles that are out there so I can fit into the theme so something like uh one was uh simplified and I figured we should havea simplified actually one topic was sh what was simplified I Mak simplified so that's our title for today how to make our way of thinking about shom bias as simple as possible because in reality it really is very simple sh B what it takes to make sh Bas happen it's very simple but difficult not a sta right simple means I know I know what has to be done to to execute sometimes it's not as not as simple but certainly Thea is pretty straightforward so what I'd like to do spend the time that we have together first identifying what is the simple idea behind good strong bias and then talk about maybe one or two of the challenges the big challenges that get in the way of being able to execute that make sense okay so we have 45 minutes give or take um if if you have any questions uh any push back St open to it uh in the actual um main presentation we'll keep to clarifying things if I don't say things clear enough if you really need me to to develop an idea better than I did so feel free but uh the real push back where you disagree with what I have to say so we'll say that for the end okay ready all right so let's here SE by simplified so it starts with this there's one character traits of all character traits that is a key to shom bias but not just the key to shom bias it's actually a key to life and you'll find that you know they all they seem to go together you know the shom bias marriage and then subsequently parenting is like the big stage of life but really it's what plays out there is just accentuated to what plays out the rest of our life so what is the trait that's the king of character traits I'm sorry anas right so P that you know any any argue any disagreements about that anas is the king of character traits just to have to support the obvious um so tomor which is the safer of Midas um art SC just came out with a artart with a tomod toor which would obviously make seem more popular um seems that most people learn stay with the first peric and the theme of Tom is following his mid so he goes through his his rendition of the 13 mid which is I'm sorry and he goes to each one of them and breaks that those phrases into those suum into 13 phrases and each one of them is a mid that we're supposed to em with but in the second chap second peric where it start to really do a deep dive into cabala so I know very little about this but I know the way the second peric starts and I'll read it to you Isa that he goes through now like I say deep dive into not cabala butos where he works off the spus the T speros but at the top of it all at the top of all the spherus is ker we right is the crown he says the med that covers everything is mid so in the saer in the authoritative saer mid it's stated very clearly that the mid includes everything is and why because it's clear and etc etc but there's your statements you can go ramble through various Kaz we just have himself Sedin that if a person is an is as if he's Mo theonas we know Mar that says that if person's hasem can't live in the same world with him which means that in order to be able to live with hem we and of course we know that the one that M the greatest of all men was described as so we have it right straightforward and there are other mid too but the king of mid the king of character traits isas it's true about life true about relationship with Hashem and it is certainly going to be true with our marriage as well you want to say something right that's right that's that's also true yeah the same idea okay we have the theme is is throughout it's very simple straightforward now if the uh sensual um the central trait the central me is anas what therefore is the central Act of a human being meaning to say what does anus Propel does power what Behavior does it in power does it power many huh many behaviors okay many behaviors oh it Powers other MOS so I'm saying the the king of character traits is anas and the behavior that is most directly the outcome and almost like defines our mission in this world is being a giver why is that what's the connection between being an of and being a giver anybody want to take a shot at it just to articulate it articulate the obvious it's not about me it's about the other person it's not about me life is not about me it's about how I could be there for somebody else it's not me it's not about me I'm in a relationship so how can I help that person become the best they can be and that's giving so anas automatically that necessitates that's that's a life of giving the minute I'm a taker I suddenly show up now how do we know that I mean it's logical but what do we see how do we know that giving is the activity the central activity Central character tra and Central activity is giving how do we know that what's on aord for that besides it being logical so I'm going to work off the same the same Mitzvah because I think actually if there's a mission statement that we can say that you know a in the that represents a mission statement I would think that has a has a you know his ranked pretty high it tells you tells us what our job in life is it's to emulate AEM so Aida if ker is is anas and obviously weating by being him but what's the behavior the central behavior that hasem is under is associated with why did he create the world he's created the world to be mative I mean that's that's also basic Jewish philosophy right nothing nothing fancy here hashem's quote unquote the purpose of creation was to be mative which means if we emulate hasem with our character trait of humility the purpose of that tra of humility is to give is to be mive just like him all it's all all the pieces come together nothing fancy straight forward our job is to be uh is FOC is to be developed anas so that we can be the ultimate givers to be alone says there's no giving if you so we need you to give some get somebody else in your life and that person in your life is going to be the one designated for your greatest acts of giving and that's what marriage is so the key to success in Char bias is to be humble and as a result of the humility is to focus on how we can continue to give to our spouses any questions no straightforward I actually heard once from uhar anybody he of kar from Los Angeles if you go to uh he was in Los Angeles he was left many years ago at a young age but massive uh an educator was able to clarify Concepts and ways that were just incredible there actually a website I think it's a c.com and they have hundreds of shum at least maybe a thousand shum of his and in one of those Shum and he did a lot of Cur a lot of his audiences were were secular or so in one of his ser of sh on on dating so he had said he told them spoke about the Jewish way of dating and everything else and he he said that he had a he he suggested that when people pray and they pray for a they shouldn't Focus their on Hashem please bring someone into my life that can that that can that can love me I need some I need someone to love me could you please bring someone my life going to take care of me who's going to love me you know once he have that kind of feel have you know I mean like it's it's complicated you know because you know you you're supposed to ask for your needs but if you ask it that way he deserve it not deserve it the better is to sayem you created me to give you created an institution called marriage to become ultimate givers I'm giving the best I can as a single person but I need a husband I need a wife to be able to give at the highest levels that's what I'm here for so I need because I have personal needs that's what I'm that's I'm creative for so he says that's how you should be doing no you can't do that way if that's not your intention if your intention is just to kind of you know slip in you know put put an effective feel get a get a spouse and start waiting for the needs to be met then you're not so authentic but that filer really identifies what my what I intend to do when I get married yeah we good simple simplified but not so easy not so easy why isn't it so easy what are the challenges Bes it's not me though so hard you know but what what are the specific challenges specific to anus and specific to giving it's totally against the human nature to to be givers okay trying to come okay so the thought out there is that uh it's not human nature we're looking at for ourselves but I want to know understand a little bit more are there any forces out there that we can identify that we can realize what is it that makes us so selfish if we can understand this we can maybe you know we can maybe address the problem so first of all um if we just look this is just from a purely a developmental Journey nothing dysfunction so much about this a little bit but not really so dysfunctional but if you just look at the developmental Journey when we're born into the world we're not expected to be givers an infant isn't expected to be a giver that an infant comes into the world and they are 100% pure takers I could call them receivers I mean a baby cries every time he needs something you know he's hungry he cries he's tired he cries he wants to get out of the crib he cries to the point that when an infant is an infant there's what we call no ego boundaries an ego boundary is where you recognize that you end at a certain place and the rest of the world picks up from there but infants have no ego boundaries there's no life outside of themselves so that if they need food they expect you to get them the food you're the the extension of their arms you're the extension of their legs they can't walk you walk for them yeah that's that's that's a life of no ego boundaries which is understandable for an infant no one expects anything more than that not only that just again another fancy term about infinite development they have no object permanence that right very infantile what's it what does object permanence mean it means that if you put a bottle in front of an infant he'll he might reach out if he's he's capable reaching out he'll reach out for it the minute it's out of his field of view he won't turn back and find it it's gone doesn't exist anymore the only reality is what's in front of his face if he doesn't see it doesn't exist that's quite selfish isn't it like if I see it it exists if I don't see it it doesn't exist and it they reach a stage when they have object permanence when they look for it afterwards oh they they they took they got to the next step it's a good thing so we start off being not maybe even before in the womb I mean how much of a taker can you be you're in the womb and everything is being fed to you but then you get out you break free you know as if you're Independence but you're not Independence you're just as dependent in the womb you need everything but okay whatever it is I won't get into all the details of Developmental Journeys but we hope that in the same way that an infant develops a sense of object permanence they're also going to start to develop ego boundaries and recognize that you know what I can't wake up my mother every five minutes once last time an infant said you know I just woke at my mother three times tonight I think I'll let her sleep I know I'm a little hungry but I'll wait cuz she's entitled to get a little sleep at some point hopefully a person realizes that there that there are others out there who have needs of their own and I have to accommodate that but that's not easy and it's it's a challenge and ter terrible twos and whatever else goes on and after that and and then now I'm this I think is more of a a cultural sociological development that took place over the last I don't know Century or so that just when things were looking like they were going in the right direction you had infants who had no ego boundaries and no after permanence and everything's about them and suddenly they're starting to realize you know they're not going to get everything they want they're not going to get everything they want all right whatever but then it looks like it's going the right direction right eventually we want this little child to become aware of others and at some point transform into a giver you know we start as takers SL receivers we hope they learn how to say thank you so that isn't just they're not entitled to it so by saying thank you they become not takers but receivers receivers is a higher level of being oning things and we hope that slowly they're going to turn into givers and they'll spend their adult life being givers and they'll be in the category of I'm not into taking things I'm into giving that's I'm an adult now but something happened when something happened where suddenly teenagers reverted back regressed all the way back to the infant stage now maybe you don't remember this remember this about yourself but there have been conversations that took place in people's houses Across America where a teenager might say to the parents you know Mom Dad I need the car and I look I I'd love to give it to you problem I have I have an appointment I got to use it says there is no excuse why I can't have the car there are no other needs that exist when it comes to might eting the car and the we Tantrums or whatever and it's like is this like you know whatever happens to like ego boundaries us used to be somebody else in your world so that there's some kind of a regression to to to the infantile stage and then okay you might think it's cute or whatever okay okay got to deal with this with the stage But the irony of the whole thing is how soon after that are they going to sh that's a radical shift it's one thing if you sh from being an infant to a toddler to a to a Preen andow but now you want to go from being an infant to to being married and I don't have to go any further we can share horror stories but you can only imagine what life looks like post when a teenager gets married see teenager can't get married not not biological teenagers developmental teenagers can't get married imagine getting married to an infants no ego boundaries you imagine that how hard that would be so yeah you could be 19 years old be very mature you might have emerged as an adult at 19 but if you're 50 years old and you're still a developmental teenager you are a risk factor for a marriage if you're still focused on you big risk factor that doesn't that's not consistent with marriage so first off is the whole developmental Journey the way it's now been reconstructed in a certain way it's it becomes problematic to walk into marriage and be humble and a humble Giver that's level one make sense anybody uh all right hang on hold on to your uh the challenges but it's it's gotten more complicated maybe it's tied to it but I don't think it's directly tied to it but it's gotten much more complicated I don't want to join the bandwagon although I will a little bit but I want to give very specific applications we all know about the me generation we know about the Liberation that started in the 60s where the the me emerged and the throwing off of authority I emerged capital I emerged and uh you know we saw it we saw how you know uh over the last few decades you know where people got you know quite focused on themselves but it it it gets worse and worse it gets much much more intense as as as time moves on into where we are today it's not cute anymore now it's actually pretty serious [Music] get some examples not not heavy examples but some examples of where the capital I has influenced uh and actually is hijacked otherwise functional uh Concepts but I'm going to say now it's not a black and white you know I don't want to undo a concept but when but there's been a distortion of used to be functional Concepts first of all I just have here no particular order but um the eye the eyes search for attention social media um the the the no longer the age of Diaries locked Diaries things that are personal and private and intimate relationships are no longer personal private intimate now publicized everyone there's the tendency towards um letting people in on what's going on with me and our vacations and what goes on in our families and uh why so much attention why do you need so much attention why does the world have to know everything goes on that goes on in your life how they justify it but it's not good for family life the jealousy that happens when one sees what goes on in the other person's social media as if you think that what's being shown on social media is actually reflective of reality it's almost like a Hollywood show that people put on sometimes in social media but the jealousy that it creates with other families why can't we do the things that they do why don't we look as good as they do in their pictures why you know somebody went told me he went to the Grand Canyon have been to the Grand Canyon after I have I have I have a book I came out with last year making of a dynamic duo one of the chapters is called the Grand Canyon of me and it's the story the guy told me he went to the Grand Canyon and when he got there again anybody been there shans yeah so um he said he got there and and and he and he he not generally a very emotional guy but somehow he he he just got really um overwhelmed by the magnificence of of the experience now we happened to be there a few months ago and was so commercialized it was hard to connect to what he was describing but maybe he was there at a quiet time off season but he just was Ed by the magnificence of like seeing the depths of the canyon and and the heavens above and essentially he was describing a very very humbling experience like when you see yourself in the context of of of of the universe how small we are he just felt very very uh very humbled by it and humbled is good cuz that's what we're looking to achieve right and he said he looked he looked across and was one other guy there and he noticed that he took out a selfie stick and and took a selfie at the Grand Canyon and his and his his observation was he says even in a moment of of of how we are so eclipsed by the magnificence and the grander of your Universe somehow we have this tendency to bring ourselves back into the focus of life it's still all about me even in the Grand Canyon it's me I'm still at the sent of that picture all right that's what it is and we're right there we're right there in the middle when is a conversation we make the conversation about us you know we gone to all the attention and you can see how they could play out you know problematically in a relationship it's all about me it's what I want my it's my needs it's my interest it's how I the focus on IE has generated an Indulgence I mean this I don't know uh at different stages of life and I know that I've been meeting lately a lot of people who are kind of like midlife whatever that age happens to be there's no real exact age for anymore depends on where you're making a transition that's getting it to start having some existential struggles you know so all of a sudden that's when you say I need to live my life I need to be able to you know and the bucket list gets full with all kinds of extravagant things what's going on here until now you were living like a very value centered life you working with family you're dealing with and suddenly now it's about me and and and it happens it's just an emergence of of where like there's there's a the the eye just gets out of control and it can creates your own bi issues [Music] how about the importance of self everything is self self-esteem is that a good thing or a bad thing would we say the pursuit of self-esteem is a modern dysfunction or is that is that is it important very important very important I know I know so how do you develop self-esteem so I once heard from rash Jakob weberg kab we having a conversation and he said um somehow it it kind of meandered in into the conversation of self-esteem somebody had said somebody made a comment about about how someone should be looking to see what makes them different and better that's their strength their area of strength and that's he was kind of talking about that's the way to build self-esteem and he just said he said that's the pursuit of self-esteem and he said said he said you know imagine Yesa hea guys the you Yesa and uh he say this guy's no self-esteem it's very low got to build it up he says what could you be the best at in Yesa here so I I guess I could try to be the you could try to be the biggest mosid you're the biggest mosid you know those guys over there I can never compete with them say you're right you can't do that uh how about being the biggest B said this guy over there he there's no way to come near him say right how about being the biggest you know whatever every biggest thing he can't do it he talk this guy's this guy's doomed he cannot find what makes him special and if AR felt that was that Pursuit that pursuit of self-esteem where am I going to shine you said that's that's you know it it uh it's a recipe for depression you know and and uh competition which is all the wrong direction so what is self-esteem so self-esteem is making good choices a person feels good about themselves they make good choices that's how you build self-esteem not the best at anything I'm not looking to be the best at something I live my life feeling good about the choices that I make from dayto day okay sometimes I make a bad choice but not because I didn't try to make a good choice and I recover and IAP and say the same thing who's the it's all choices all turns into back to we started with giving from a giver if I look to see how make others better that builds my self-esteem it's a whole different orientation people focus on self self- protection you know boundaries and relationships are very important right we musking boundaries can't be loose and then uh you know you got to be be careful be respectful of each other but someone who is indulges in self who focuses self sets very rigid boundaries anything you do make me uncomfortable I cut you out because I need to be protected I look after myself I look after um what do they call that look after number one look after me first and foremost I make sure that I'm safe I'm protected a lot of a lot of focus on self and it justs very very rich of boundaries which blocks connection and now the this is the king of its for relationships in the in the world and the in the in the the literature that's out there in terms of marriage there's a big emphasis on getting your needs met getting your needs met right you've heard the expression there's a book out there getting your knees met getting your knees met yeah getting the love you want do is that is that are those the books we're supposed to be reading or are the books we supposed to be reading books that say how do I meet the needs of the other that's the shift that this whole conversation is about you know self another self that's very that's become very pronounced because in the world of self and and and the the the the the the focus on on I is self-care again all important Concepts what does self-care mean self-care means in my books that my job is to give but you know I have to sometimes fuel up so you know when I'm in n500 and I'm riding and I got to take a pit stop the pit stop isn't an end unto itself you don't say the pit stop and have a barbecue and relax you know you you see those guys acting you know they're getting back they got to get back on the road whatever it takes to get back in the road I'm back on the road I'm not living in the pit stop so but we live in the pit stop the whole industry on self-care so much so much self-indulgence again self-care is important but it's in service it's a means to get back onto the road and go back to giving so that's where our needs come in also the needs that I need to be my personal needs I need to be I need to be cognizant of are the needs that I have to make sure that I can say a giver that's the role that needs play personal needs play but the focus that that's how I get married to get my needs met is a total flip for what we saw the fundamentals of marriage are is that what it is I I've said this a long time but I actually came across gski anybody see a safer on marriage someone gave me a gift a little while back and I good stuff in there the saer called Amud here has a quotes say stra straight [Music] out who I think you said it earlier right it's oh no you said it the tendency of people is to is be takers right he says the simple a guy has is what do I have to give to somebody else if you want to a guy down to the raw un you know unrefined self what I what I have to take care of him for okay I can't hurt him whatever you know the American way can't somebody else but I'm here to pursue my own Dream It's not the truth it's it's a to give that's that's what we're here for that's the he has a that he's able to give not to think about himself this is radical this is like radical stuff to give to give don't think of yourself it's a brand new for this guy who gets married it's of giving to the other quote I put this in bold in my papers it's not thinking about what you need what you have to receive that's the mindset of the humble Giver is I don't go in here to see how I get my needs met I go to see is how I can meet the needs of the other and he brings a great muscle from the L of kasas right when you do haala so what's the process of aala you have something which is not Kosher inside the the walls of the of the the of the pot you boil it up and what happens so the whatever is not Kosher comes out through the boiling and the the physics as described by is that I did the mlet how does it how come it doesn't go back and forth you know you bring it up you put it back in again how come it's not how come it's not uh you know it it it should be a catch 22 it goes out but it goes back in again the answer is it's too busy I did the tolet it's busy spewing out it's not going to the pot is sending things out it's not able to receive at the same time like the old Nextel um walkie talkies remember those the next you couldn't talk at the same time if you send the other one can't send at the same time one sends one receives that's it I'm sending I'm not I'm not in a position to receive I'm too busy giving so that's what the model of marriage he says is so he says the I'm so busy giving I didn't I forgot the fact that I needed something to I was too busy giving that that's our take away we had a we had a a guest last night very r k kind of a little bit related and he was um he was really I mean a he he grew up in the kesky building so he remember the stier and he was by every pretty much every day of his every day almost of his life Gage so he was very close to him he was he was our connection everyone had connection he was our connection he told me last night he said when he was he came to America once to fundraise for his Co so asked him if he would take somebody else with him and help him be able to fund raise also a very person and he said uh he said could help him fundraise so he said yeah I could but what I what about my col and uh and he said he quoted he said you're not going to lose if you help him collect on your trip help him become a collector for his you're not going to lose outs and so even though we talk about this is a one directional relationship we hear about giving and giving and giving but in the Noah dynamics of Life you'll get you'll get you know you a giver you're a humble Giver you'll get back you don't do it on that condition says about um you're supposed to serve hem says you allow to know that you're going to get PR you know the reality you're allowed to know it you're just not supposed to do it with that intention so in a healthy relationship with healthy people it'll come back that's not why you're doing it you're doing it because you committed to becoming a giver you stepped on the biggest stage of life of giving to combine the king of character traits which is humility and translate that into becoming a giver so I just want to add one more piece to [Music] this the Dynamics of giving so um so we said before that hasm is mive right basic Jewish philosophy how was he mive by creating a universe how do you create the universe so again we're entering into Realms I know nothing about I use one word the one word that I've heard used by my cabalistic friends is Simpson yeah what does it mean translate Contracting Contra contraction who contracted contracted and in Contracting made room for creation what I can say about that but about relationships I could say a little bit more if hashem's way of giving if the Dynamics of giving were predicated on simpsom because without there being quote unquote room for us there's NOA there's NOA if there isn't a space for the other so so therefore there is no and there is no giving unless we can be M for other people we have to do this the same Dynamics apply to Human Relationships so going back to our original discussion about developmental childhood and the the child who works in and if you drew a circle right and you put that the circle is the universe and that child is first born the only thing exists in that circle is me there's a big me in the circle nothing else exists cuz if you go into my world my my my my view like you know you're now you're now I see you you absorbing to me you're my arm you're not you have no identity separate from me you're an extension to me so in that earlier stage of life that circle is all me and whoever comes in there is still is me I I I suck you into my reality that's it simum is the beginning of pulling back and allowing that Circle to include other people I let other show up like a moon like the present of a moon start show up a little bit you know how much can you expect a little an infant Tod a toddler to be able to make you know to say to give a scoop of ice cream to a sister I mean how many times you expect that you know but a little bit you know just get the beginnings of he's sharing his ice cream with his sister but as again as goes on we want that we want the other to have more and more space in his life to the point that he can get married and realize that when he marries other she has space in his life that now he has to relate to when he creates space he has now someone in his life who may think differently than him and feel differently than him and do things differently than he does and that's okay because I don't expect you to be me because I'm not an infant anymore I have to deal with the tension of otherness because without that there's no giving the Dynamics of giving have to happen when there's a presence of the more I'm the more I let a person be in my world the bigger give can be and I challenge couples I challenge people sometimes people have a hard time accepting the differences and limitations of their spouse I say listen the degree to which you can accept differences and the degree to which you can be M if you I only allow my spouse to be different in the flavor of ice cream everything else we have to agree on your gift is going to be you're going to buy chocolate instead of vanilla okay I hear it nice but it's very infantile very tell you're very close to the one twoyear olds but how much more can I make how much more space can I make for differences and limitations also my wife's not a great communicator but that's terrible I know but she's human so she's not okay so now what whatever I'll make it work I'll figure it out I accept differences and accept limitations and I work with it the more I work with that that's where my love shows up that's where my T shows up and you could only be mat if we've got the quality of anas otherwise if I'm the Bala and the world is all me Hashem says I'm not part of this there's no room for me let alone people no one has room in your world you got you close it off anybody else so I can't show up there but the more humble we are the more room we make for people and when I say people it means for differences for other opinions she says something you don't agree with and what do you do with that do you know how to be mative do you know how to deal with the sting opinion you know how to uh address it and and to work with it that's that's where that's where giving happens in the confli of ton all right so that's uh uh that's my I want to share with you something I came across Jonathan sax sh the chief Rabbi of England came across a quote of his he was brilliant and uh and besides with conest but with words so here's how he says it much better than I could have said it he says humility is more than just a virtue it's a form of perception a language in which the ey is silent so that I can hear the thow that's a nice way to say it right the eye is silent so I can hear the V the unspoken C benath human speech the Divine whisper within all that moves the voice of otherness that calls me to redeem loneliness With A Touch of Love humility opens us to the world when I'm at saying I have access to the whole world I'm an asset to the whole world I can make to quote the cliche I can make the world a better place because I'm in service of the world every everyone that comes into my presence I make room for them and I can service them and I can show love to them when I get Inner focused and I take care of myself and it's all about me it's my boundaries and if you make me uncomfortable you're out you don't make the world a better place it's funny because he says that it reminded me he says the B it's what opens us up to the world so I remember a year he I saw once Le aoka has an autobiography anyway and kind of crass and you know kind of rough personality but he was talking about um all the problems in America and he he was an old man already and he's just complaining his friends said to him said said Lee you're an old man already just you know leave the problems to the Next Generation and he said he said I would if they would if they just would get their faces out of the gadgets to see what's going on around them I leave it to them but I'm going to leave it to them they're they're close to the world they're so self-absorbed they don't even know what's going on in the world I can't leave it to them Sox talks about you'll be open to the world but when we're all self-absorbed there is no world around us so you have to appreciate the value of being open to the world it's a whole new it's an old idea that got lost in this generation we got to reclaim it but my last point over here on our 45th minutes as much as anas is the key the simple fact of the the character trait that drives good marriages and relationships and how translates to becoming it it is what's necessary to become the givers and those that are those that can truly say that they're living a relationship to be able to meet the needs of others and not so much and I did the PO Lala I don't even know I forgot to ask my needs because I was too busy focusing on yours but for anus is a problem there's another chapter in my book and it's about knowing who you are I was going to tell you the story there's there's a Jewish version of the book and then a secularized version of the book they're very similar but except for one or two chapters so the one I had to adjust was the one I'm going to tell you now but tell you the Jewish version so basically happened to me so uh it's a long story make a long story short when I was about 20 years old I don't know how this happened back in the days we used to go to PES hotels it wasn't so fashionable homor you know home back to Brown Stevensville you know n of these fancy places we have today and the mother's a dance teacher so she used to always get a job you know at the hotels and whatever so so a couple weeks before PES my father Shalom he asked me I was learning in as all the time he said would you mind giving a sheir to PES I said I guess so why not you [Music] know I forget it's part of the package you know my mother's going to be dancing I'll do want to Shum everyone knows whatever anyway we get to the hotel and I was a you know somewhat immature 20-year-old as my brothers were too so we get to the hotel Aran we're horsing around pillow fight whatever was going on and then we get a phone call to the room so uh uh I answer the phone that's with Fone I anymore anyway the guy the guy says hi I'm calling for Rabbi Frank so I said um I think you have the wrong room my my father who's not a rabbi but I fig maybe be call Rabbi Frank you know respect said my father's in the Next Room to says uh Danielle Frank uh yeah that's me RAB just call Donnie any he says I is it okay do you have I like you to come down to the main desk now I okay went down to the main desk said I I said to my brothers I guys time out with the pillow fight I got to go downstairs to the uh the to the main desk the head of the hotel is calling me so he get down to the desk and he says hire by Frank I said Donnie he says I'd like to show you the sh said really wellow this is pretty good I guess everybody gets a representative of the family that gets a tour of the sh just know we're going fine okay I'll go go to the Sho he says how's the M said looks good to me he said he walks me into the shore and he says uh okay this is what you be this is where you'll be sitting and it's like this big seat at the front of the shore I said uh it's okay I'm okay if I just sit over here I don't like to sit in the big chair and he's going no no no you'll sit over here and then the isar drush will be given over here and then this dress be over there what the heck is going on here so anyway it it started to seep in and I went upstairs I said to my brothers you guys will not believe what just happened I am the rabbi of the hotel I don't know what that one two I never double check my father whatever happened over there but I was the rabbi at the hotel 20-year-old guy from n no expectation nothing I came with one safer two for him to prepare and I'm the rabbi the hotel and I was in a panic said what am I going to do so my brother older brother of two by two two and a half years he said to be something that has come up multiple times in various situations in my life I won't go through what they are right now um but he G he told me a piece of advice that as I say it stays with me till today simple he said listen you're Justa guy 20-y old guy and your mind if no to this whole thing but they think you're a rabbi so you got to Pro you got to be the rabbi you got to step up and meet their needs don't let yourself get in the way don't get in the way and that was my avod not to get in the way and one guy asked me during y if I want to the RCA like what is the RCA the TV set I don't know what that is you know but I guess I know if it sounds like a good thing I'll be part of it but but what happens sometimes in our relationships we get married and we don't realize what we mean to our wives we don't realize it we'll say a comment and be sarcastic and get all insulted what big deal that's I to my friends I mean I don't why you getting so insulted and we don't realize what impact will we have on our spouses on our wives that what we say is not the same as what the next guy says whether it's something that we say it's hurtful or a compliments and they say you know I need you to tell me I look pretty I don't want to hear from anybody else I want to hear from you what big deal so I'm just another guy other guy false humility false not false and not but you got and when it comes to that relationship we are very very meaningful and we are very very significant and our significance makes our giving that much more powerful and the withholding of it that much more painful and then it happens with parenting also where people sometimes don't realize what we mean to our kids and we just say things like we say we say it's our friends it's just I'm just joking but we don't realize the power that our words have for better and for worse I met a guy once who whatever he he was behaving in ways that were not so not so good and he was a father of several kids and we just had a conversation and it was I wasn't I wasn't looking for my my for the killas you know I was just just having a conversation waiting for my moment to get in there sometimes I sometimes a conversation happens you never know when you're saying something that's going to hit the guy between the eyes without even without even meaning to do it so in the course of the conversation I just made mention the fact you know you you know I guess you're a father to these kids and he said like boing so what I just say no no you said to me now and I I didn't even I know that my kids but I never thought of myself as their father okay do the math but but somehow or other like he realized the role he plays by just that term I'm their father not that not they're my kids I'm their father and it and and it just hit him that he has an and it was that actually was I didn't intend that to be the transformative statement but it ended up being transformative for him where his identity suddenly shifted and and it's not a GAA it means but that's the role role you play so knowing who we are what we are in spite of all of the anivas and the giving well it's for the giving but in spite all the anas when it comes to relationship we have to know the significance that we are to those people that are closest to us oh and last I have to say this warning because I know this is warning is this when I say that we that our goal is not to focus on our needs but the needs of the others we don't go back home and now tell our spouses you're so full of needs you're so selfish that's not how it goes right isn't that what said we want to hear their needs because that's our Target but they want targets must too we'll figure out what to do for them but right now we want targets and our best targets is their needs so we don't want to shut down their needs we just want to say I'm too busy with yours I can't even focus on mine right very important that's a warning do not go back and tell them they should not have needs we want needs because that's those are our targets so that we can become the best givers we can be that's it