Arrogant Humbleness - A Jewish Perspective on Self Esteem - Rabbi Benzion Klatzko

okay so it's been a little while since I've been in Ponemah and it's always a pleasure to come out delinquent I have a new motivation which is since I last actually I'm gonna take this off since I last came here my son got married Hashem thank you and he was the lakewood so whenever I come to Pima that means he gets to go out to eat his wife so he thanks you from upper crust the topic we're going to speak about tonight is really a very Jewish and complex topic and you'll see what I mean by tuition complex there are many topics that we can speak about that the the non-jewish world can relate to this particular concept and how we deal with it is very uniquely Jewish and I want to start off by saying that we had a lot of guests there Shabbos my brother should we do every shot was so good about 80 85 guests who came they slept over it was leavening and when they sleep over so we rely on the fact that our basement holds twenty and what we do is we put mattresses on the floor because not enough room for bed but we can fit more people with mattresses that it's a little party and that's how people enjoy Shabbos we also happen to have a group of college students who were biased the entire week this past week and they we were showing them around New York giving them serum in the morning doing like a like a New York trip inspirational and they joined us for the Shabbos and Friday morning I gave them a nice sheer or they were about to go to Evergreen to watch a witness to his frantic shopping before Shabbos when one of the girls was a group mainly of girls who came upstairs and they said rabbi we think there's a flaw your basement now this is a disaster for so many different reasons first off we have to fit 20 20 beds there secondly if there's a flood all the mattresses sit on the floor and you know that when you have soaking mattresses it smells and you can't use them I have to find out where it's coming from and it was raining and it was coming from the from underneath the ground that I haven't happened before all in all it was bad news to the credit of these students they kept it cool a lot of their water clothing had gotten messed up they said it's okay we'll put it in the laundry but it occurred to me how dramatically different the weather was that Friday then it was the beginning of the week if you remember the week before we were hitting the record lows we were ready it was so cold I don't know what it was like a beer but in Muncie it was so ridiculously cold and I wasn't even in Muncie my wife was I was in Cleveland running a shop at home and they put me not in the hotel but they put me a seven minute walk away they asked my permission they said you're the speaker but we have a limited amount of the rooms we put you in a bread and that bran Baptist nearby and I said yes and that was a few months before and I didn't know it would be minus 20 with Winchell by the time I reached the end of the driveway I couldn't feel my legs so look at this we we were reduced to nothing by the car of our Shem we Hashem we say the words and dabbling Mossler Catholic effusing will if make her oh say me I might who can stand in front of Hashem scold Hashem besides I'm gonna make it cold he can make it very very cold I'm gonna make a flood in your basement you think you're running a shower tone they're gonna be mopping up and cleaning up and figuring out mattresses and we're find an extra 20 places for people to stay this today he came outside it was weird kind of a snow but it was heavy because it was slushy and I put on my windchill and it stopped the middle and wouldn't I thought I'd burn out my motor and then in the middle of the week this week it got like up to 50 and we realized how shabak we are in the grand scheme of this world that we live in we're so unpredictable you know in England there is London syndrome that comes to the fact that it rains so often that people get depressed they they get them I know my mom's from eight from London she grew up in Golders Green and you get depressed you go around this there's rain and you don't feel yourself and whenever we feel like bah like either like when the weather is good and we feel just we just feel like we run the world all the sudden things can change like that your basements flooded and you're scrambling to make do you know when Joseph atomic was inside of the prison the prison guard did not make him stay into prison and kazama say the reason that the guard was so impressed was because every word that he said in the air - I'm Baruch Hashem beds a sham shame I said surah bethere the word the name of Hashem I shall I give you calf and give you credit and believe me he found out the story I don't know how but he knew no he said how did you end up in prison how did you end up you don't even sound Egyptian your brothers aren't you angry at God no no for whatever reason hashem wanted it like that i have to end up in Mitzrayim i have to end up in the tribe and later on he said the same thing to his brothers they were they were so worried these can be upset now Hashem wanted me josé's Hashem wants it it comes from a Shem we don't have individual color our lives could sell either common player like a clown like a shadow and I shall kill hi Vick I am you you exist forever and ever I told Miller you know the great battle impartial surmise Vieira boy weren't ashes by now the great battle between Claudius Earl and X Ryan was really the battle between peril and mission it was a microcosm of the great battle between client and and limits right now what was the battle bullet lowered what were the terms of the battle my shirabe know wasn't unknown because Adam shop name Adama he was the humblest of the humble he was so humble he was even more humble than Avraham Avinu because I'll say our Brahma Dean who said there are nicely off over a fair I'm not unjust I'm just offering aether but what did he say what am I sure they knew say nothing mom I'm what am I I'm not even offer I'm not an ephah I'm nothing he was the great honor he is the one that I Shem said go and take cry so loud and he argued with Hashem for seven days and at the end of the seven days what does he say / look at this line set anyone but me or not he Clark pass rushing I can't talk I can't speak they're after me they want to kill me my Rinna's gonna feel upset he's gonna feel bad I'm nice what do you I'm nothing my shroud they knew was the greatest honor of in history the greatest honor of in history who is the greatest bulk I've in history the greatest Bob diver the hardiest person that ever lived was a man by the name of Hari or NZ's the second Jara Jara was the greatest fog either in history here's a man who could not even admit that he had to go to the bathroom Matty's Jamal gaya he had to go secretly because he had to pretend that he made the Nile River he had to pretend could you imagine Knepper at the sky at the make sure not to drink a lot because the middle of the day he'd go crazy this poor guy but his Geiger made it that he couldn't admit II have to go to the bathroom he is the same person who said me I Shem Asher s Mahakali who is a chef whose God whose God and even if you say oh it's mighty powerful forgot my sister lúcia laughs I'm not gonna send them on anyways the greatest bug I am in all history and I Shem throws one marker after the next after the next again nothing hard in my heart the greatest honor against the greatest bald guy that's really what's going on here at the great history of the Jewish people will always be the adversarial relationship between Kali souls mission that needs animus and mitzraim or Spain or Germany the Aryan Nation who believed they were so great the superior race the greatest ball gaya versus the greatest on earth when we understand that that's the terms we understand a beautiful plus ik very beginning of SHM ice it says viacom Malik oh gosh I'm the time I share lie your - I save what he didn't know the ice of a new King King what do you mean guys it was a legend safe its rhyme no you know what it means he didn't know your smile he didn't understand the oceans way of looking at the world because nice it would say my gosh am the sea otter dish Maya like we're right on the top of each each paper that we were a pastiche Maya here comes a man I shall the other as I said he did not know yes it's way that I shan't deserves the credit I said all comes from a sham we say you know each of each of the proc in in in Kabbalah Shabbos referred to a day of the week when we say me as Marla David Koresh my class color Shepherd our kailash am sure there are azim what shush the voice of my sham break cedars that reason says what cedars king's great kings coercion for the ailing these are the Deacon Hashem is Mossville gain might be as shabam Hashem is so great then will we see things we don't understand that you them are and we don't say anything or quiet because I kinda just borrow who rules this world and we we don't know when our when our basements gonna flood when it's gonna be a hundred degrees or zero degrees whether we're going to wake up with a cold weather we're gonna wake up with a Pernod so we don't know so that's step number one on one hand we look at us Yemen we said wow wow look at this world look at this galaxy look at the hundred billion galaxies in the world look how fast everything is who am i what am i that's one way that we look at everything but there's a flip side there's an opposite way of looking at the world and that opposite way is just as Jewish and you know the opposite way is the opposite way is call Masha borrow a car Sparkle and libera ellaby steely peacefully navaja alum the whole world is made for every person sitting here the whole world is can die for me now how do we understand this mixed message the whole world is worth it for me me me you don't know me if you know me you know it wasn't it wouldn't be worth it for me believe me the world could be just fine without me what does it mean the whole world is worth it for me and how do we understand understanding how great our shame is and the great shriyak of Pyrrha is somebody who says my noisy mom I'm nothing and toy is given on a little heart c9 small mouth quietness fayliss I mean was she really never oh I loved world is worth it for me so I'm gonna tell you a beautiful clown and this rule is used for everything in Judaism the world outside the world worst works with extremes you're either a bug IVA or you're an unev you're either a liar or you tell the truth you're either pro-life or you are pro the death penalty right you pro one of the two you can't mix the two Judaism and the Judaism you grew up with always finds a way to take both extremes and present them to us it's fascinating you have a tissue bug which is a santa's day and yet it's called an egg huh my eighth car all I'm by 8 Lucifer mccredle's it's called a mind there are how long isn't my audition of so how does that work at some point it's a happy thing to Santa Kasana the greatest happiness where's Miss America Samba hazama calcula office mejor Monsieur Shalom what do we do when we break the cup not my stuff break the company mascot face sadness happy sad which one is it we value life we value life so much that because no questions overrides even Shabbos and yet for him firm time comes up and we hang a little gallows on our front lawn with little dolls of Hama how do we view life is life sacred is it not sacred almost any example you give me I will show you how we play both sides of the coin steers it seems but you're still still sports look elegant you're still supposed to look good you can't have a catch them on your baguette you can't look like a slob because I'll say atomic off comes change like a semi big night try a Mesa jellified Neeson you've got to kiss him look nice you got to look dignified you got a big theistic you got to be modest we can't look nice maybe have to be clean yet we try to balance both sides and what's so beautiful is it's not because we are bipolar it's not because we don't understand what are we against like a week for life are we for for Spears so we oh don't lie but if the caller says yes is a collar nice say Colin although he'll sue them if you want to tell them is that the EMAs that is the Emmis but it's not but it is in this case it is how do you balance these what Tyler says is that actually you need both to get the proper picture and let me give you the example of a Nevis we are very humble we're supposed to be on me and what is the greatest humblest that we have we are Mahabad leave a new law the new shailaja mine Hashem is our mouth we are polish em7 is that humble or is it the greatest pride that we can have you see the humbleness is the pride very often you need both in order to get the full picture it's the fact that I Shem runs this big world that gives me value as a human being with up without Hashem without understanding that I shed makes those frauds and that cold and then hurricane any controls life and death without understanding yet then my guide is misplaced but if I understand how great I Shem is then I understand what chef's needed me I have one of my one of my son's daughter Louis they're expecting a baby so I just trumped them and I said do you understand what I share my saying Hashem is saying by the way I trust you to raise a life what a lot of people don't trust somebody to watch their car you I trust you to watch my car ok don't drive it but watch it I trust you with the life here pick those life and bring up this light the way they need to see fit but do a good job I trust you with the life what uh what a charge what am i Christ what a responsibility but it's only because we know how great I sham is it's only because we understand our limitations that becomes our source of pride and our source of geyser when Eliezer walked her out he said even a Brahman oh she was heaving humble or is it being a balk IVA both by saying ever have Roman I she dry man ever but it's a bronzer I could be both this is just in general a balancing act that Judaism has when it comes to literally everything we're not extremists we're realists and we blend the most beautiful blend of every kind of media that's why there is no bad media that's empirically bad anger can be used for good even hatred I have a chef even hatred can be used for good okay that's just an identical idea but let me get back to our own individual geyser there's an issue the issue is that when the secular person or even the religious person looks at the vastness of the universe they feel worthless they feel so small the universe for those who didn't study science or physics you know this universe is far far far larger than any of us can picture I'll give you one idea one concept from here to the Sun is 93 million miles how close is it from here to the nearest star the nearest star to us how close is the nearest star there's a lot of hundred billion stars in our hamster the world is robbers right next to us how close is the closest star say yeah I'll give you an image it'll break your brain and if your brain to be broken here we go if 93 million miles equals the thickness of a piece of paper that means they lose favorite the thickness of that piece of paper equals 93 million miles how thick were the paper have to be to reach the first star how thick with the paper with every slice being 93 million miles okay you got the question how thick with the paper have to be every night they write every patient I examine how thick with that book have to be and I think it would have to be it would have to be 70 feet tall with every slice equal to ninety three million miles 70 feet tall that's the closest star in our tiny little galaxy because our galaxy is only one galaxy and a group of galaxies called the local group and there are about a hundred billion galaxies so when people hear this they think wow what are we what am I like 5 foot something rabbi right go all the short live a short life all right don't think goes by in a blink in old you lose the eyesight it live an older you lose the deep get older you get your surgeries right also his mind a blink you have like 20 great years let's be honest right maybe 25 to 45 they said when you're 40 you get your first minor surgery 50 get your first major one I'll be 50 this month I'm looking forward that's how it goes that's how it goes and we look at this vastness of the universe and the cosmos and the planets and it can make a person shrink into nothingness and we think I'm nothing and yet if you look at the entire universe that we know which is at least 93 billion light years across which is a number that you cannot possibly wrap an around probably the greatest thing that exists anywhere is the human brain that's sitting inside of your head between your two ears that's the greatest thing that we know about in the universe there are certainly nothing like that so how is it that we are able to feel a sense of pride for who we are and yet remain humble that's the great challenge of being a it's the great challenge and I want to tell you this challenge pervades everything tell you why we struggle each of us on whatever level we are on with issues of self-esteem we do we have issues with self-esteem when it comes to our bodies we feel good we don't look good because my good side my mother's said take a picture of my good side my on one side my good side my not good side we struggle with issues of intellect I have a friend who's so much smarter she was better at school I friends who are popular they were the cool kids because they were the ones who everyone wanted to be their friend I wasn't among those people so I don't know what it's like we get older and we struggled it self-esteem this friend already got married just got married early this is ready on her second kid and I'm not can't even fight I haven't big red as as in months and second kid and he feel like oh what why don't people want me to get everything right I checked up all the boxes people accomplishing in their career they wanted to write a book their friend wanted a book she wrote a book you always wanted to but you never did friend learned an instrument you boys wanted to be in every day or maybe your friend comes from a family that you wish you had come from because maybe your family wasn't as functional there are so many reasons to feel inadequate and this noise at us and it eats away at us and it pushes us down and it handicaps who we were supposed to be and what we could be and maybe it doesn't help to hear that were a tiny speck in a magnificent but humongous universe so how do we balance being so hard on ourselves comparing ourselves and yet not go the other extreme and suddenly say well I'm great I'm fantastic I'm wonderful how do we balance it you know there are there are certain people out there who are kind where the Train this is a little bit strange I once came with my wife we were invited to an older couple it was a former roommate of Mines mother she invited my wife and I we had just married and she find us for dinner very nice dinner was a bar a park we came we ate my this lady's house and she served the soup and then she said you like the soup they are just delicious no you know you don't really like it do you oh no we we it's delicious it's too hot no not too much it's not hot enough right no no you want too much salt right no it's the most delicious soup we ever had ever in the world history it's amazing what about the carriage will serve here yeah and the whole meal went like this and we were trying not to giggle it was the funniest thing but it wasn't so funny because she was so she needed so much dalla Dacian that she was an adequate host but it's more than that there are people in the world who have the ability to make other people happy they can make other people happy and this could be somebody you're married to or it could be a sibling or it could be a best friend and they are happy when they're around you you give them their happiness but there's a little bit something that's lacking what's lacking is you want you to be the one to give them their happiness it can't be anyone else think is an a penis and the opposite it will make you feel jealous if someone else another friend can satisfy their need for companionship happiness love yes I want them to be happy but I want them to be happy because I was the one who made them happy I don't want them to be happy on that on their I wanted to be happy in general sometimes I feel I do some counseling I'm not an official therapist they come I always make that disclaimer I'm not a therapist you could speak to me as a layperson but they they still come sorry I talk and we do counseling and sometimes I've couples come and they want help keeping their marriage together sometimes it's not meant to be together and by the way for those of you listening I'm Tara anytime just because a marriage doesn't work out doesn't mean you have to become an enemy try to stay friends trying to try to do it amicably try whatever way you can it's terrible like a world war 7 but if you really like that person but the marriage didn't work out your personalities just didn't they just didn't connect be happy when that person finds happiness in a second marriage that maybe if somebody was compatible to them be a happy one your friends go off to seminary and they find another best friend that can make them happy you're not the same seminar so let them find another friend be happy for them regardless of whether it's you who are the one who makes them happy because that's what it means to love somebody loving somebody means that you want them to be happy regardless of whether you're the one that doesn't but often the reason that that's the case that we wanted to be from us is because we're missing self love and this is at the heart of what I want to speak about tonight how is it that we can feel good about ourselves and yet still understand there is a boil up who is so great and mighty that I humbled myself before them but I still have self-love I still have worth even when I've done I there's even when I've slipped even when I fallen let me start off by saying that many of us struggle with this concept and our love of ourselves are so tied in to the next person to my relationships with other people feeling loved from other people that I have nothing if they leave here's how I want you to picture it picture a table top there's a table top and the table top is supported by legs the table top is you your you're the top of that table you your well-being is the table top that's your steadiness that's your solidness and your solidness sits on these legs and each of these legs represents another relationship so one relationship is between you and your parents another one is between you and your spouse or maybe you and the person you're dating another those relationships are you and your close friends you and your kevrah that's great but there's a danger the danger is that when you lose one of those relationships you lose a leg of that table on the table becomes wobbly and it can't collapse and when you when your entire well-being depends on another person's happiness and you being that connection to that happiness so when that person leaves even for a short amount of time even if they're going on a vacation for a few months you feel wobbly your security blanket is gone so what do we do to remain steady in life what we do is we anchor those legs to make sure they don't leave us and there are a lot of ways psychologically that we anchor those relationships the unhealthy way is to create fear in those relationships right you leave me your life is over you leave me you'll never find love you'll never find connection you'll never find somebody like me other ways that people anchored is you make yourself so indispensable that you say they need me in their lives I've always there for them and when we do that to our friends we create an anchor around the leg to make sure that the leg doesn't collapse so we anchor our legs and here's why that doesn't work because one day the legs are gonna leave regardless they will there is such a thing in this world called death people die people do move away they do leave they have their own lives they do go on vacations there's no way in the world for you to secure the legs that hold up the table and that's very scary because how in the world can you feel good if the legs of the table are eventually gonna leave so I wanted to give you an image your picture in that table right not if you get it picture the table you got the legs don't look at the legs what I want you to do is I want you to build one big fat leg in the middle it's not just like it's like a pedestal and that pedestal is sitting in the middle of the table it's very firmly anchored and that pedestal is called self-love and that pedestal does not rely on other people and other people's happiness and other people's validation and other people's connections those are all great they look nice those extra legs maybe they're good back up they're not pointless they serve they serve a very good point in your life but you cannot ultimately rely on anything but that pedestal in the middle where you realize that it's you loving you accepting yourself knowing how valuable you are as a person that will remain even when people in your life eventually disappear it's a beautiful story with the Ponte Ponte version of Ponte Vecchio was traveling and he saw there was a they were trained he traveled to a country with very few hidden very few Jewish people and there was a Jew over there there was a there was a kid over there and she's a scared it's not a religious Jew but this non religious Jew she is the rabbi with the beard he comes over his clothes I have I knew you d I'm a Jew so the Punisher looks to him and gives him a hug and a kiss all a fellow here all the way out here in this country where nobody else is and then this Friday it looks at him and says if you would know how many up there as I did you wouldn't kiss me and the part of his Rob said back if you would know how much I Shem loves you you wouldn't do those others we don't understand what value we have in a Shem sized fish feel Amira Ola so I want to give you a few exercises to take away any kind of negativity that we have either people who have taken a part of themselves that we used to be connected to and I've pulled away Hashem I have 11 children I have a few girls teenagers I've learned a little bit about teenage drama more than I ever thought I would know teenage politics and friendships and cliques and which group you belong to do I'm learning at all and then when you get a phone call where you're breaking up I never understood how do you break up not married no I guess you guys know another one don't break up cook I don't think we should be friends anymore well we could we can talk but you can thought we just can't be best friends anymore but what are we how am I gonna look you tomorrow in school okay well will smile and we're not gonna not talk we're gonna duck but we're just not gonna be best friends don't you write I I hear stuff like this it's very bizarre to me and I see my kids you know dissolve into tears what happened to the friend and she'll be my friend but only if I don't only if I'm only her friend but I'm her friend if I'm her friend that she can't be my friend because she doesn't want a third person part of the friendship tough tough life these kids have a tough a nice call right aren't you glad it finish with high school right fresh infinite but what is it you give the kid their own self love you don't think it you're amazing she doesn't want to be your friend it's her loss he doesn't want to be your Teresa it's his loss you have your own you have your own optimistic kite your own beautiful self-worth so the first thing I want you to do is that when you hear something that makes you feel uncomfortable or you want to jump in or you want to go negative or you want to do something you wanted you want to be yourself up there's a little psychological exercise to explain to you how it works but try it okay this psychology 101 when something is presented to you that makes you begin to feel negative down on yourself roll your eyes and hum a tune it works she used the same - I heard somebody who did this he used to use happy birthday what it does I can owe money you problem wonder what am I talking about I just like that you're all your eyes and when something negative is hitting you just rolling eyes [Music] it works because when you think when you create a pattern of negativity that beat yourself up your own you always go to the same place of negativity in your brain and when you go to that same place your eyes always go to the same direction that's why people who want to know if you're lying they're experts they looked at your eyes called love to the iscope bright the eyes dilate they know exactly because your eyes go to a certain direction when you're going back to a memory but you could scramble you remember it by making your eyes not going that direction and reprograms breaks free very interesting when you see singer tune this is just a little psychology but the reason I tell you this is that you have to do battle against this negativity because the negativity is what makes you feel worthless the negativity is what makes you feel like my friends were right I'm not lovable I don't look the nicest I'm not the prettiest I'll never find my I'll never amount to anything I won't get the the the guy that I wanted marry somebody's gonna ruin all my friends but I'm not gonna the negativity that'll destroy us have become and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy you've got to you got to take that away and the second thing it says you should do in psychology and I totally agree with this is each night go in front of the mirror look at yourself and say even though so-and-so thinks I'm this I'm really excellent and start with the words even though even though so so made fun of me today even though my boss totally does not appreciate the hard work doesn't see my value but I know I'm ready I'm really awesome and you look a little crazy talking to yourself that's okay but you need to reprogram your thought process I cannot tell you how many people I sit in front of and I feel like they need hugs they need validation they need somebody to say you're awesome if you would see in you what I see you'd feel like a million bucks but you don't see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you you know there are people out there who everyone knows are incredibly talented and they charismatic and they've got all sorts of of talents to give the world and they're always beating themselves up and they think they're inadequate you look at them and say are you crazy are you not seeing what we're seeing but they don't they literally don't because we are our worst enemy and if you leave tonight and you're able to look in the mirror and tell yourself I am amazing I am good and even for what my faults vish feely near all alone how in the world did my shrah Boehner who said our Nike mom slot Nepean ya t stuff how did he have the gall to stand in front of par a and to tell Perry off honey how do those two things mesh how do you have the most humble person stand up in front of kings and princes and speak his mind and speak - em and go up on the map and speak - Karl it's because the combination of understanding how wonderful and great a sham is that we understand that we are valuable it is Hashem greatness that by osmosis come you know goes down to us like it says in Turkey of us have even a dog shed near Robert Selim II like him people are beloved because Hashem the water created the nebula and the stars and the cosmos and the comments and the galaxies decided that you were worth creating you really were there's a famous saying I think they say in the name of the Obama chair but I don't know who it's in the name of but they're saying is a beautiful saying that a person's birthday is today that a Shem decided that the world cannot go on without them that's why your birthday is so amazing because on that day a sham said my world can't continue if you're not in it we need you in this world so that's number two look in the mirror and say I am awesome don't don't worry you don't have to have anyone in the room when you do it tell it to yourself but say it you're allowed two mirrors we know we're in the Michigan mirrors can be used for a Haley the purpose as well there's the Heyliger purpose cuz i'll say that when it says that our half to Laura how come I thought you have to love yourself in order to love the next person if you don't love who you are then you can't love the next person you have to say I'm awesome I'm fantastic there's nobody like me I am unique what I bring to this world is unique I'm unique in my family I was unique in my class I'm unique in my workplace and there's a guy out there who's gonna marry me because they will see that I am unique there's nobody like me in the world nobody brings the combination of rock - and insight and beautiful beautiful patient to grow close to Hashem nobody brings my combination number three you want to become this awesome person think about the person that you least want to give your love to the person that made me hurt you in your life the person that was not there for you the person that did not realize your value maybe put you down to mind exercise and picture in your mind being happy for them picture in your mind there was a a man who was dating a young lady and they were dating for much longer than usually we dated them from community but he figured she was worth it it's could I because when she says yes it's what a what a if it's going to be but then the more the longer they dated the more they saw that on Scully they were not on the same page and they both decided together that you know the end of one of their dates they decided it's a no-go but they have been dating for quite a few months and they had grown emotionally close to each other but they knew our scoff eclis they're gonna be issues and as they were saying goodbye and what they knew would be the last date she broke down shall we have to cry she had gotten that emotionally connected it could happen you get emotionally connected to a person even if you're not yet married you feel like you've told them a lot about yourself you've you've exposed your your emotions to them it's it can be vulnerable she can't to cry and the bunker wasn't sure what to do yeah he also felt bad but he didn't feel bad enough to cry but he wanted to show her that he didn't feel bad enough to cry but he couldn't make any tears come say no to duties you know these mind games are awful he says goodbye and she's weeping his goodbyes bye he goes home and he sort of relieved that it was over but then that night he began thinking of that this almost work this was almost the and he began thinking back on it than thinking and thinking and all the sudden we found was getting himself back to get any mushrooms up and he began to cry and then he was upset at himself oh I wish she was here to see me cry I want her to see me I want her to see this crazy mind games then a few weeks later he was with a friend Frank could I see it must have been over right she said instead Ibaka said yeah we have to end it so the guy says I know because I was on the stayed in a hotel and I saw this person proposed to the girl so I obviously knew his aura cuz she's just kind of caged and you say you said I even asked him like take a picture was such a nice moment and they left me so there's guys that can I see the picture bad idea right can I see the picture this girl I almost got engaged to be engaged somebody else so he sees the picture and you know she's you know I guess he's like 1 1 me but I don't know what he was doing but he was proposing and she was there with this great big smile on her face and he was so upset this guy's like why is she smiling I'm probably a much better guy than that guy is you know she would have been better off with me but I was the one who said no it really I was tortured and then he realized you know why it didn't work because it wasn't her that he was developing love with he was developing love with himself because it was curved that he really had feelings for if you really loved her in the way that each ve are supposed to then if you realize that I scopic live and I meant to be together but he should be so happy that she found happiness he should be happy when he sees up what a great girl Hashem she's happy no he wanted to be he wanted to be her she's got to be the cause of her happiness he was happy when she cried because it showed that that it was him that made her happy and now she said and he wanted he want her to see him cry so that she would know that no it was really my happiness it was all selfish so when we could think about anyone else even somebody who has not been Gershman to us and just wish them happiness be happy for they're happy not because it came from you but just because it came from them then you have freed yourself of all the legs of the table now it is you generating your own happiness it is your self-worth and you don't need validation from this person or that person and there's a bonus there's a bonus you know the bonus is and you can be happy with another person's happiness that has nothing to do with you with you then you can have happiness from the whole world because most of the world has happy occasions and they don't have to come from you you can just be happy and I'm happy that you're happy I am the Simca when they get makes money I am happy when you ate a steak dinner if you go into a restaurant and someone else is enjoying their meal oh I hope it's cash Mac I hope you enjoyed not because I made it for you I had nothing gotten to know your name but I want you to be happy when you go around with chef ax as the person who I am my own happiness I love myself because I am awesome so now your happiness makes me happy and your happiness is not one of my legs I'll be happy for you and I don't need you for my happiness and here only for yours it's an incredibly healthy way of looking at the world why doesn't this happen so it doesn't happen often because we hear things that are negative and they ring in our brains they remind us of other people who put us down of other difficult things that happened in our life and we go back to those times when we were hurt and this just puts icing on that cake this just puts layer upon layer of hurt so what I want to do is I want to tell you that there are gay there are ways of dealing with hurt and you have to learn how to deal with it and not to hold on to it so number one and Munna and Munna I know you've heard it barkhaa shamisen revolutions book him up the garden ever Munna everyone's talking about a Munna we still don't talk about it enough and I say we don't talk about enough because we need a Munna to get to our cars after this talk we need and Munna threat everything I just saw the most beautiful idea beautiful I just love this there was a person was looking to make mine also and he was working and he got fired and then he tried to get another job and he couldn't get it he couldn't get another job every time he tried to get it up they weren't hiring him he went to his rough and it's rough they're not hiring me I can't make partner so what am I gonna do this guy's not hiring me and the road says I got a question for you do you do you get mail he says of course I can mail you get mail you get mail in your mailbox what do you mean of course now this of course is there's anything important ever come in your mail of course I get bills I get checks in the mail I get a lot of very important things in the mail so there I was great and let me ask you what's the name of your mailman no what do you mean don't you get important things I mean there are things that are really important you get a letter from the IRS you got to open it you get it you got a check you want to cash it so this is the guy in charge of giving you this information what's what's the mailman's name huh so you trust him but you already you never even find out his name no the roses of course not the main thing is then you get the mail what the mailman is you don't care I could be Joe gonna be Tom it could be Tim as long as you get your mail says there are all you care abouts making your pond OSA so whether it comes from that mailman this boss that was the boss they ja the boss they dumped us to make a difference I shopped you deliver your mail through any mailman that he wants so number one you have to have a Mona and Luna means that even things that you've been through that are difficult Hashem had a reason that you have to go through them and instead of looking back and allowing it to be what we like the call today baggage that gives me anxiety that causes depression that weighs me down instead I take that experience I said you know what that was tough when it lasted but you see I'm still standing you see I Shem still loves me you see I'm going through it and even if I'm going through it right now I've been through things for the past that have been difficult and I'm still standing so I'll get past this one as well number one you want to have self-esteem you can't hold on to the baggage you have to say it's Munna Hashem Isis ice that's number one number two you have to remove yourself from poisonous environments I cannot say this enough this is at least half of my counseling I say this at some point because people don't understand that who you are who you're around can affect you and they don't have to be ashamed they don't have to be ballet lotion or they could just be poisonous for you for whatever reason they're not good for you do you feel bad when you're around them you don't feel like your best self so remove yourself remove yourself some people aren't social media and they get bombarded remove yourself there was a man who used to make videos on YouTube and the videos was supposed to be very inspiring and he did it to be to inspire people but you know on YouTube you could comments so one of the comments he got was amazing amazing but a few people would write very nasty things and he said I would read those nasty things and it would get me down and it was an addiction I want to see what they say but when I see it there will get me down so don't don't see it someone has something nasty to say don't read it I used to have a friend who actually was one of these people who are poisonous people and sometimes things are but wood wood wood wood get him anybody yell and scream and he'd be on the phone and I would just go like this and it'll listen I don't need poison going into my brain into my heart for pumping my blood pressure so you got a watch make sure you're around people who are healthy for you no excuses one of the girls that was at my house this week she said I work at a veterinarian's office and everyone around there they're backstabbing people she have no shouldn't understand the concept of Russian art but she knew about gossip she says that's how they wild away their time by speaking about each other I said get out of there she said it hurts me I said you got to get out of there it's affecting you terribly number three sometimes Hashem wants us to hear something because there's a lesson to be learned so learn the art of taking the lesson while leaving the negativity behind this is greatness this is greatness if you could hear the lesson that that people are negative about you tell you if you can hear it a new year their negativity and you save the negativity on my cars but the ideas they said maybe their valent I learned from it but I'm not gonna let it destroy me they're just a messenger they're just the mailman telling me something but I'm gonna hear this by the negativity that's that person's issue that's they have person's problem you have to combat this otherwise there's no way in the world that you can survive sham properly because you can't be healthy because you're beating yourself up and when you beat yourself up you can't love yourself and if you can't love yourself then you're gonna rely on other people to love you and those are shaky legs understand I shed made the world I've been making the world and making you in it I shan't thought Bhishma misty lake Nero and love the world is created for you you're awesome that's it you're the pillar in the middle you're the baddest all in the middle other people will come and go in your life you'll be warm and friendly but you're never gonna lean on them to the point that if they leave it'll destroy you and your low whatever negativity they've given you slide off your back one last point that will end up a story you have to be aware that sometimes you can be the cause of that negativity to another person and it's a huge arias until now we were speaking about other people being negative to you in the past making you feel inadequate and low so when you look in the mirror you don't see somebody who's a special person who is a person who's worth loving but sometimes it's us who are the negative people and sometimes it's that cycle of negativity that we have experienced that were just conveying to the next person and sometimes the people who are hurt the most other people who are closest to us our parents our spouses and our children just like we understand that there is nothing that feels better than being loved nothing feel respected names feeling loved that people respect you it means in your mind you translate that as they love me just like we understand that feeling love is so critical to the people around us they need to feel loved as well and we have the ability to affect our relatives the people are closest to us in a much deeper way than just a stranger a stranger who's driving next to you who doesn't like the fact that you didn't jump the moment the light turned green so they honk honk honk that's annoying that's New York but you don't know them they don't know you by ticket young but a relative a sibling a spouse it cuts very very deep it's the reason that in I in Harlem a relative can make a much greater iron Haro on you than a stranger strangers have very little power line are but relatives have an incredibly big power behind her it is the closeness that can love the most and because it could love the most it could also hurt the most when the love is not there so be aware of the urine cries and me that can egged me des by you showing other people that love have been much of them and be happy for them not because it was me who did it but because that's who you are as them and see as thick a person you want people to be happy Thank You mind plenum upon them they will love you back and you will feel that that sense of serenity that you're living the kind of life where you love yourself you're worth loving but then all around you people are going to feel it and they're gonna they're gonna derive from that love their sustenance and they're gonna grow from it into the past you've been hurt take this idea it's an idea that works emotion is not logic and if you say father person hurt me but it's okay doesn't work those are words words broke with logic emotion works with action it's two different things if you want to get rid of an emotion you can't be talked out of it it's like somebody said oh don't be sad don't be sad be happy it's not gonna make you happy you have to do something emotionally that makes you happy so on a very visceral level one of the things that you do is when you feel down when you find yourself being plagued with negative thoughts about yourself you know what you should do stand up walk around splash water on your face stretch it's amazing but psychologically action can take away emotion so if you're feeling emotionally I'm feeling so bad but don't feel bad okay I won't it doesn't work you know you don't you jump up out of your seat and you go jogging around the block or you go talk to a friend on the phone while walking you move that's why people get something called a runner's high or they like going to the gym or they're like working out because it's a way to emotionally share negativity so you get up there it's another little idea I think of when I think of the words she named uh commissioner Mazel right Blue means exactly that but we feel like we have a ban Mazel she change your mahkum get up stretch walk around then if you really really want to get rid of the negativity what action should you think so there's an action psychology called pouring and what you do is you take a pen and a paper or a keyboard and a computer and you just begin to type all the feelings that you're feeling and why you're feeling it and all their negativity just get it out there take it from inside your heart get it on the paper get it in the computer get it elsewhere and when you're finished take a little match burn it up because action can get rid of the emotion words can tackle logic but emotions words don't work you need an action this is an action called pouring and if you have somebody in your life in the past who was negative to you that is still sitting somewhere around your heart around your brain then you keep going back to maybe they were a bully maybe they were a big shot maybe they were a condescending maybe they kept you out of the crowd that you wanted to be in in school whatever they were maybe there are sibling maybe they're a parent pour it onto a paper visualize that it's leaving you and it's going on to this paper in this keyboard and then throw it onto the recycle bin burn it up destroy finish with this story one of my favorite was a person who went to a rub and sent to the rub you know I'm never gonna be only but I so badly want to meet a Leo on of you how am I ever gonna be do subdeacon meet a Leone army I'm never gonna meet a Leone and the Rose Ron Emilio I'll help you immediately honor you help me Who am I I'm gonna be nearly yellow me daily oh I love you go to that town it's a little distance away but go there go to their arms for Shabbos and you'll meet a Leo Nov really yes go to them that's really all a Leo and up is gonna be the Shabbos I'm giving you a secret go and you let me tell you're on over there okay so he listens to the rub he goes to this distant town knocks on the door a lady opens up he says the lady hello I'm here for Shabbos can I come for Shabbos he didn't want to say I do it he's it'll sound crazy but he's just can I come here for Shabbos and lady says why would you want to come here we don't have much of a Shabbos going on it I mean we keep Shabbos but you know we don't have a nice shop which whatever fancy Shabbos the man said that's okay I like the common said okay when he says okay come on in comes in he looks around the house is a dump the kids look a little bit dirty cupboards look sparse bare the floor then he looks around and usually Shabbos you smell Shabbos then smell what's around what's going on then he realized they can't afford to food for Shabbos he thinks you know what's gonna happen hey Leo nothing's gonna come it'll look like I'm nothing in the house it'll look terrible you can't quit Ilyana I'll be like this the rug says this job is really so he runs out to the mykola and he buys food for Shabbos and he just like here here's chicken make a chicken soup here's a salad this will be nice oh thank you very much she makes the salmon job and they have a beautiful shop and the whole Shabbos he's looking at the door okay okay Leo I know they will come that's gonna be so wonderful so beautiful doesn't show up he leaves very disappointed because back to his room and he says to his rough I went nothing and the reverse is taka I made a mistake I made a mistake I'm sorry it was this week that he's coming this week yeah I thought it was last week things coming this week okay the rough says okay he made the trip all the way back to the house he was gonna spend another shop it's there he's about to open the door when here's the little boy calling to his mother and then little boys calling to his mother's mommy that's all my Shabbos what are we gonna eat we don't have any food for Shabbos I don't see you cooking she says I know shameful oh we don't have I know shameful oh but you know maybe Eliana he will come like he came last week and he realized that he was a li we all have a coil inside of us we all have somebody who could redeem the world we all have an Illya one of the inside of us so when you go home and it'll be there'll be nothing that made my trip from Muncie for liquid as worthwhile then if somebody goes home looks in the mirror tonight and says I'm absolutely awesome the whole world the galaxies were created just for me Hashem needed me in this world and I love myself with all my flaws with wall even though I've messed up like this and even though I haven't been Dominic with cap on and even though I should be better to keep it off aim and even though I'm still amazing I'm still absolutely amazing and he created pillar inside that pillar of self love that then can spill over to other people in behalf to Loretta Michael and we don't rely on other people for our validation and our work and our love and our companionship and a relationship but it's me I will love myself and anyone who tries to pull you down or tried in the past you said it you said it it's not worth it they were poisoned then and their poison in your brain right now and then we can walk that tightrope that am I sure I beta walked by saying go and Nike MA I am nothing and yet at the same time I'm everything