I started enjoying life only when I became observant #whatapod EP. 3 | Harav Avichai Kohen

get disguised like Arabs go into the West Bank and eliminate killers without them knowing that the soldiers are here. I broke his hand. They put him took the gun out and put an almost shot. Wow. And then he stopped. You're holding a Ye. What are you doing? Taking people after you for what? For money. What do you think is going to happen? Going to come here. You're going to put the kip on me like all the guys that followed you blindly. You went to one of the highest points in the army and you're today saying he values. Let's say the most challenging time in life. What was it? It depends on what age. I remember one challenging age of 14, one in 18, one in 23. Depends. What would you say is the worst? The 14 year old. Okay. What was it? I came from a religious background. Noted, but I knew what religion was around Bitzvah. I started asking questions. I saw people around me having a good time. Had secular friends, no boundaries, had girlfriends. They wanted to do anything they want to do, they could do. Where did you live? I lived in Israel. So, it's a mixed city. It's not like No, no. But but for me, all the idea of religion was it's like it's a torture. It's stuck. Everything's like boundary rules. You can't really enjoy life like a way you want. And as a kid, I didn't talk too much, but there was a person that has a mouth and has a brain. And I used to shoot from zero range. So there was a rabbi that was teaching me something after bitzvah. Like said to me, what do you feel about all this bitzvah? Said to him, pretty depressing. Oh, what do you mean? I said, what's a bitzvah? Come on, I'm a teenager. I want to enjoy life. Religion is a boring thing. Anything you do is don't do this, don't do this, do this, this, or that. He can't breathe. Unfortunately, there's a lot of people that look from with this and they feel the same. Uh yeah, sure. Look, if I felt this 40 years ago without being extra from just knowing about it, multiply by a million 40 years after, just 200 generations after and people that are that grew in a closed society and were raised uh just with boundaries without love inside, which is not the Jewish way, but this is what happens. And there were it's not This is too long. Yeah. Too long and painful. Yeah, definitely. So when I asked him this, he was like, "Satan, what?" I was I was very excited. I said, "Why? Why does Hashem preventing us to enjoy life?" So you ask the rabbi that was hired to help you with the reading of the Torah. Yes. For the bitzvah. So every even secular people, they hire someone for the mitzvah. Yeah. They take somebody to do it. But I was like saying I said I said I said to him, "Listen, God is is preventing us from enjoying life as it is." I mean, and did he have an answer? His answer was, "Guess what?" No. If you know me, I love traveling. Sometimes I get to remote areas where all I can wish for is a hot haish meal. Meal mart with over 20 hot meal options with four different kind of soups and three different kind of beef sticks. So, I'm excited to taste one of these. I'm going to choose the meatballs and spaghetti. And because it's double wrapped, it goes into any microwave. M hi sugish makaker meatballs and spaghetti. This is the biggest culture vlog in the world. What a day. a patch. No way. Lucky for him and for me, I backed off on the last second. I was black belt. Not then. I used to do the martial arts from the age of eight. Really? Yeah. And uh I like I was like, "What is this?" I said to him, he said to me, "How can you talk that way?" Censar the answer. That's how they used to answer. Yeah. No, if you ask a question, you have to bear the answer. You can't ask a question and not let me answer. If you wouldn't say anything, so be it. But if you ask me a question, so he said to me, "Not everything is is not allowed." I said, "Not everything. What is fun is not allowed. Rest is fine." Cuz I was, what I saw there, I was amazed. He was supposed to be like a rabbi, whatever it is. And that's his reaction. It's a good question. I mean, let's be fair. Even today if a kid comes to me abhiva and says to me listen it's boring ting is boring learning is boring I can't say to him what is this it's a good question it's a fair question I wasn't at all I just know a bit about you know traditional and I had the question multiply it by a million today kids ask they won't say it because it's so sad that most of the don't have the answer they have probably they have the same question also and never they look let's say like this I'll be very careful not making uh including everybody in but let's say it is a point that we have to relate to that people even if they don't say it because it's penished they feel that way and we don't talk about things open as it is you can't grow wow in any ways I was 40 years ago I'm 53 today well I was 13 14 then I ced one thing as a as a kid if this guy that's his answer I have a point he has no answer ah and instead of defending the best defense is attack So you just realized that Yiddishkite is I wasn't so Yiddish but but when I saw somebody supposed to uh uh be a religious person that knows his way and at least say to me it's a good question I have no answer which is okay it's fine attacking this was me I said what's going on here I started and from there so why was it so challenging for you because you see a person that is supposed to uh um respect any other person's view even if he doesn't agree B um not being so stressed by a very clear question which makes sense. I told him routine is boring. Religion is routine. Heavy routine. What am I supposed to do with this? So because it made you realize that this might be such a good question that it might throw off all your 14 years till now. That's why it was so challenging. I don't think I I I thought at that point I just saw it wasn't a one event but I was starting to see things this was uh uh uh the strongest event it was that says to me if this guy answers that way he was I won't say names he was a known guy wow if that's his approach and answer that he has no answer what are they covering there what are they taking away from me that's when you lost interest so I started there I started saying you have a good brain start shooting Uhhuh. Anything that moves, start asking questions. I came from a good home. I have nice parents, very nice people, very kind people. I didn't come from a broken home with no money. Came from a good home. Okay. Okay. I didn't grow I didn't know a new religion orafar with no I was a tinishba but a good good home nice parents loving parents. But this point of seeing a society uh going through a a process which I'm not aware of and taking me through sort of brainwashing me the way I said then was for me I will not take this. I decided this the age of 13 and a half. So you did the baritzvah thing or not? I did whatever I had to do to v out for the for my parents that wanted it but inside. Wow. And it was not the baritzvah and religion. It was all over saying wait a minute this is religion this is society. What about school? Who's leading me and where? Who's telling me what is right and wrong? Who's putting me to learn 12 years for a piece of a of a of a certificate which maybe is not what I need? And the question starting coming up in everything that moves. The problem is I was a wise guy and I always knew to find the soft spot and people couldn't take it. I mean you sit in a class in in school and the history teacher says something and you say that listen there's another book that says the opposite. Okay. Why am I supposed to listen to you and not the other one? Go out of the class. You have no answers. Wow. Now, they had a problem. When I came to talk a test, it was 100. The test was an A. But the guy is giving us a message. He challenged everyone. Okay. So, what happened here was until the end of 10th grade. I understood that I cannot trust anybody. You can respect everybody. What age is 10th grade? Uh 16. Okay. Age of 16. I'm already on my own. I leave school. So you dropped out? I dropped out out of choice. I wasn't kicked out. I was I How did your parents uh My parents took it very hard. My my mother said to me, "At least make the tests." Said, "I'll do it for you." Uhhuh. But not because it's right thing to do. Zero interest. Yeah, I'll do it. I did it externally, not in the I started going to work and taking my own agenda on life. My agenda was live, enjoy, and die and that's it. Whatever it is, it is. There's no MS real or not real. It's everything's whatever is good for you. At that time I'm talking about now as a 16-year-old kid. I said whoever wants to challenge me please come. I want to hear if this rabbi doesn't have answers nobody. No people challenged me but they couldn't take it. Like even examples when I was 17 I was already secular. I was already secular before but if I had red lines like kashus or py which I it was all went away. I said look if you want if you want to have kash enjoy. What do you want for me? Wow. Like so everything was gone. Everything was gone. But to the end even the the the approach I grew which for for me today is but then yeah. Okay. That's going to be very interesting topic because you went probably to one of the highest points in the army. Yeah. Right. That it's possible for for even in today and you're today saying valor. By the way, how do you say in English? You don't. You just don't do it. You do not. No, you in little kill. Don't do it. Kill. Don't do it. Get killed. Don't do it. Rather don't do it. Yeah. I know it's very hard for some people to hear because we're going to discuss it. You said you started martial arts at eight. Usually kids that feel the need to defend themselves do that. Not every ordinary kid, right? Why did you feel the need? I was a I was a only child. I had only sisters that are like 10 years older than me. I had no brothers and uh in school where strong he's there. Uhhuh. So I figured out I figured out I didn't sit for figure out I'll go and do it. I did it for 10 years until the army took the black belt. Um I was I was alone. So one of your titles is a black belt. Would you still know any moves? It stays. Really? You don't have to train it. It's not like you have to train everything. But it's like when when I when a kid to learn, you will never forget it. All those people that they went off the inside they have a they still know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean you have it stays in you. Yeah. So someone comes to you with a knife you you'll know how to you'll have the instance. I know today it's all and somebody could stab you before you even know somebody come but I'm not looking for it as a Jew. It happened. Really happened a few times. Give me Give me one. Give me one good one. I tell you it was a funny It's funny that you asked this, but um I'll give you it but from two sides. From the side of uh the prison when you turn as you go to be and you still have leftovers from the back, right? I lived in the beginning. I used to live in the shabas. I was I used to learn about nights learn to nights and was sitting at home helping my wife with the kids but doing more through the night and I was shabas with a sha and at 2:00 at night somebody's trying to open the door at your house. Yeah. No way. Now you have to understand I was such a cult person. I just looked. I figured out if it's a Ghan who cares. It's locked. And I'm learning. Okay. I won't stop for this. Okay. My wife comes out and says, "Somebody's trying to break it." No way. So, I was so You can try. I can't go in anyway. Go to sleep. That was my approach. I didn't do I was very like You didn't have the urge of getting out there and beating him up. No, everything's okay. But after three or four times, she says to me, "Maybe this guy is not coming in our house, but we have neighbors with kids." Uhhuh. I said, "You have a point?" Oh, for the club? You're going to do it for the club? Well, I did for the plate, but it's not kids. I go to the cooker. I see a person that is trying to to break through the the bars of the of the window next to the door. Really? Okay. I figured out this is too much. With a with a jack. No, he had like sort of a a smaller knife. Okay. Uh the certain point he stopped and he went away. I decided to go after him. Okay. Okay. Here in this point already something turns in the system. Okay. The system gets warmed up. Yeah. I mean, and I wasn't I wasn't looking for for action. I took my gun. I had a gun which my Reb told me to keep. I wouldn't I won't keep. You still have it today. My Reb told me to keep. I keep it because my Reb told me as is. That's it. As is. I You never needed to. I wanted to give it back when I came to I wanted to leave everything has to do with all these. I wanted to put back, but my told me I wouldn't send you to do a license. If you have keep it. So, I kept it. I was locked up. But when I went out, I took the gun. You never know. Maybe he's one, maybe he's a few, I don't know. Do you carry it on Chavez? Right now, we have order by the post to do it for Davin. Yes. So, we we are still you walking behind him. You still have the gun. Okay. I'm walking walking out late to cut and I I follow him. I just wanted to see that he goes out of the neighborhood and that's it. I didn't look for cuz I I see him walking starting to open doors. Door to door goes out. He went out. He went up the hill. I went after him. I was following him and I saw him going into Shiva. As I went into Shiva, I came behind him and closed the door. I came Yeah. behind him and he turns to me says to me, "Who are you?" I said to him, "Listen, he said was uh" said him, "I want you to take your things and get out of the neighborhood. You have 3 minutes until what?" Till I called the police. Said to me, "Are you threatening me?" I said, "No, it's 2:45." Said to me, "You're threatening me." 2:35. Leave the neighborhood. So he says to me, "You're threatening me. You should be careful with me." And then he went back and that's what I said. I didn't see he had a knife here. Ah, he took a knife. There was a like a light and I saw something sparkling. Ah, the knife sparkling. Yeah, it was mish in his hand and he came to st like that point. That's where you like everything goes to 100. That's it. There's nothing there. I broke his hand. I put him I took the the gun out and put and almost shot. Wow. And then I stopped and suddenly you're holding aid. What are you doing? Wow. And the say right? What are you doing? You almost killed a guy. The guy's bleeding. So leave took the knife away. I took the the gun gun back. I said to him, "Please, I was tearing. Please leave the neighborhood before I call the police. You have 15 seconds left." The guy got up, went out of there. What stopped you? Something said like, "Ah, look at the picture. You're holding a gun with a yeet." But you're talking about seconds, right? And why not teach a lesson to this guy that he should stop with this? Because it's not my tough kid. And he's a Y, which is drug addict addict. And it's okay that I defend myself. It's fine. I'm not saying I did, but something was violent. Something was bad. Now, I can put it in a nice picture. You did I can give you all the toys why it was right to do it that way, but something there felt to me like you did what you got to do that the guy and he went away from there. Then he has the lesson already, but tomorrow he's going to do it. It's not it's not it's not it's not it's not he's going to take his But I went home and I said, "Thank you for saving me. saving you from killing someone from killing my from getting killed from killing the heat and thank you for showing me that I still have all to fix in my midst which I'm still too involved with the past. So you're saying that this urge that's still in there it's something to fix. Yes. Even if it's an emergency tactic. But you should know that it's it's it's a deep thing that we're talking and maybe it's we can go back to the story. We'll get there. So once we get into the story, it's going to be easier at the end to catch it in to understand what is the problem here. Um okay, the the fact that you defend yourself is okay. In fact, sometimes you have to be more more taken, okay? But there's more to it. Maybe we'll talk about it. So let's go back to the scratch. Just one more question on this story specifically. Yeah. You like it, huh? I love this. This is richer content than I thought. Um, you said 2 a.m. learning. Why at night? And why? Like you have a wife and kids. Why don't keep a regular schedule? What is the 2 a.m. thing? Um, I'll tell you the truth. It was it was pretty much in the beginning which I didn't sleep for. I heard slept was was it was army mahalik which I went from the army of the to army of I decided to use the same idea. So this is something you're going to cover with the story. I just want to make sure. Yeah. Uh, so before we go any further, I just want to ask please give a like, share, subscribe. Please, it means a lot and definitely laser put up the super like. Keep on watching. All right. Okay. Now we're back to scratch. So you were born and raised in Yeah, it's it's in Israel. I had a very light light light light light traditional background. Right. So when you said before um religious it's religious compared to secular people it's religious. Exactly. Exactly. So that's a yamip. Exactly. Okay. So so at the age of 17 on a free bird I do whatever I want. I I work I make my own money. I don't live at home anymore. Yeah. I left school. Left school. I was a manager of some uh it was a it was a big uh place that I used to manage. They were warehouse. Yeah. Warehouse. There were two uh two partners there. When I came there, they left the zone. They gave it to me and I was doing everything there. Wow. Enjoyed it. Yeah. Warehouse for what? Boxes. Yeah. Boxes and stuff and uh vegetables and stuff. It was a big thing. I did good. Where in which area? In. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Very. So, I used to I used to wake up in the morning. I used to work for eight hours, go to gym for three hours, afterwards. Uh chill out, whatever it means. And okay. I had my own agenda. I respected every person. I already knocked out any um religion or any even Jewish approach. For me, everybody was the same. Arab Jew, it's all the same thing. Whatever you want to do, you can do is fine. And I was already aiming for recruiting to the army. By the way, it's interesting because at that time I I didn't I came from a home that was had an agenda. I had no agenda. My agenda was enjoy to live and that's it. So why go to the army? It's a good question. So I didn't want to I didn't want to recruit. I said to myself, go to Europe. Enjoy. So you went because of the law? No, I didn't care about the law either. But when I started going close to 18, I was 18 years old. I want a challenge to look for action something. And I figured out, you know, at least enjoy life that way. And in other words, try to go to an elite unit. If it goes in, it goes. If not, I go to I leave the country. I don't stay. Could you? If you know me, I love traveling. Sometimes I get to remote areas where all I can wish for is a hot haimeish meal. Meal mart with over 20 hot meal options with four different kind of soups and three different kind of beef sticks. So, I'm excited to taste one of these. I'm going to choose the meatballs and spaghetti. And because it's double wrapped, it goes into any microwave. M hi sishmaker meatballs and spaghetti. If you have five or more entities, you should call file right. They take personally care of all the legal stuff so it goes off your back. LLC corporation filing, registered agent, biir registration, annual compliance, independent director in all 50 states. Also, they invested thousands of dollars in a portal that keeps you up to date exactly where each entity is up to at any given time. Call them today, thank me later. Yeah, I have a double I have a double citizenship. I could go and live in London. Again, if you are recruited to the army, there's the first four months of of training that you're there. Yeah. And then you want you apply for elite. No, no. I'm talking about applying before recruiting first time. They they take you. Oh, and they tell you right there and then. Yeah. So if not, you would flee the country. Yeah. I had at that age with what? With the London passport. Yeah. I at that time I had no I already was already clean from any even. But today you can't flee the country. If if you're if you need to go to the army, you can't flee the country. Do the best. Uh before before they they zimun before they call you the first time, you can still leave. Yeah. I got you. So I I decided to go to the army and uh I was recruited at that time we talk about the tough shinun 1990s uh the top secret unit which even I myself did not know what unit I'm talking about it was top secret what was the name at that time no name so you told them top secret unit okay that's so I had a neighbor who I used used to come from the army each time he never wore a uniform a cop is doing something with secret service. So I started asking said to me, we're already after you. We're going to come we're going to call you at the age of 18 when you recruit. You're on the you're on the you're on the line. Really? Yeah. Okay. Why? Because you dropped out of school because you're too smart. How do what do they know about you? They knew anything they had to do they had to know. And for them it was a good beginning. Uhhuh. Okay. Make a long story short. I get to the age of 18 into the army. By the way, just to understand how far I went um in the there was an interview, a final interview after all the tests which was uh I had phenomenal uh results. Final final question was give me in two sentences what is moving you to recruit to our elite units. What's motivating you? What's the motivation? I asked it was an officer. I said to him um self-esteem and challenge. Uh-huh. Looks at me said to me, "What do you mean?" He said, "What's not clear? Self-esteem and challenge." He was expecting because country, I love the country. So said to me, "But you can't answer me this." I said, "Look, I can answer what I want. If it's not good for you, you're asking me." Yeah. See the same concept with a 14 with rabbi at that. So he says to me, "You results are phenomenal. With an answer like this, I can't accept you." Said fine, I'm going. No problem. He wants to hear. Well, he didn't say this. So I said to him, "By the way, what's wrong with my answer?" He says, "You really don't know." Said, "I can figure out maybe ask me again." He said, "It's too late. You've missed it out." I said, "I don't care. Ask me again." Said to me, "What? What do you mean the country, the land? I made the whole drama." Said to him, "This is what you want to hear. I can play both games." I said to him, "I'm being honest with you, right? Let's be honest. You don't care about me, right? I don't care about you, okay? But we both have a uh a motive. You need my my abilities and I need your option to give me challenges. Let's take it. He said I never heard an answer like this. Said oh first time said wait a few minutes. He called a psychologist. No way. From another unit. The psychologist sat down and heard the He said to the officer, listen here. This guy is putting on the table everything. You have to accept him because all the others that gave you the answers you want to hear, maybe they were lying, right? If he's good, take him. So when I was saying this story, I was honest the whole way. Just to explain, there was a series of tests to make sure that you qualify for that. Yeah. Test and test and this was the final uh Okay. So I was you got accepted. I got accepted out of 1172 were chosen special units. Yeah. 70 72 out of 1100 that volunteered to special units. Wow. Yeah. 72 out of 1100. That's already you feel special. Yeah. You go we survived seven in my yeshiva at 18. I was um uh I was chosen from 30 Bam to be kicked out the whole time. I mean that that was my chose your special. Yeah. That you didn't use it the right way. Yeah. I see what you're doing today. I'm trying. So you were chosen out of 1100 people. That's that's a good start for self-esteem. Yeah. I would I told my kind once born in if I would have had this to put less than 10% of what I put in this army 10% on learning sh I would finish twice before without being a genius. So you're telling me that it's much more challenging. I'm telling you that it's a different kind of challenge but the effort that they put in I always say it's the same it's the same system they take a person with and instead of taking item for connection for like they take a person and they're brainwashing him or something a heart poisoning him take all the toen the opposite they know what they're doing they're using that energy for Sure. And and fueling uh yeah and look unfortunately it worked. Why would they do all this and I stand go in this unit as top secret unit and from say the name I can say today it's not secret but it's not the same what is today at I was the formers of this unit. This unit today is already 35 almost 40 years on map when I was the first three years. Uhhuh. So we formed it. The unit of duan the guys that dressed up like Arabs and go in to to eliminate the terrorist structure. So they are more elite even if they they dress like civilians at at that time it was it was not it was not known even in the army nobody knew what it was it wasn't uh nobody spoke about it I thought that's part of the shinbet right what what do they call in English shinbet yeah yeah shabbach equals to in the idea of the FBI okay uh the msad equals to the CIA so it's still an army unit it's an army unit that worked under the supervision of the secret service at that time today it's different uhhuh Um I go in there and I start going through a a mahalak of work which was to train you train 17 months now where does it happen where does it happen it happens in many many places in the in the country okay um but was one interesting thing that I want to point out because it's important for the message of this uh this session is that they told us that they want us to be interesting brain over heart which we know Today this is one of the things about voicem I heard these words over there uh and another concept they told us that we have to kill the feelings what we call mentally ill they call being upgraded really it's interesting yeah kill the feelings and I was 18 years old what's the benefit of killing the feelings they said be a robot you have to function in very high and difficult places if you work with the emotions you make mistakes kill the emotions and act the like a computer like a robot like a robot and a person who understands and nephesh understands it's not doable by mis but they had no understanding in nephesh and it worked meaning to say they put us into heavy training and they were filming all the time and and and recording recording if you ever said a word of emotion ouch or any complaint you were kicked out really even of the 72 or that was the series from the 11 no from the 72 we survived seven really Yeah. So how how are the people in this elite units? At my time it was the whole unit was 60 people. That's it. That's it. Today maybe 500 60 people and they still do so much so much. No it's different today but at that time it was crazy crazy training. Look as but even point even as a secular person if I would know what I'm going to go into would do it. Really? Yeah, because they kill your heart and instead of saying and now you're emotionally paralyzed, you have to go to a psychologist, they tell you that you're above the normal people, the normal feel and you're above the feeling. Really? They take the disease and do a plus. We used to sleep less than three hours a week. Really? A week. How is that possible? You don't start the first week like that? No. No. You start with the first four months you slept four hours at night, 8 to 21 minutes a day, seven minutes each meal, the rest training and everything by the clock. By the second, if you're late in one second, you're thrown out. Not a clock. What? Yeah. It's on the button. Yeah. At that time, if you wake him up at the middle of the night, what's the time? I would say to you 2:26, I would be one minute backwards and forward. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Does some of it still work today? Yeah. But I I I'm happy I went also right but taught to be the of right I have to go with time but to also know to flex when it's possible when you have wife and kids you can't be exobox took me years and tears to understand this we're going to get there yeah so so over there if somebody woke up a few minutes late that's a reason two minutes a sec when I saying a second I mean a second wow if you went out 500 a.m. And a second you're kicked out. Really? A few seconds before it's fine. Yeah. A few. Don't worry. One second you're out of the game. Ali. I have no answers in there. Was like, "Wow." Now I I They didn't tell us what it's all about in the beginning. 75 mile walk. Can walk 75 miles in 20 hours walking doing crazy things. The point was if you feel you break. If you work like a robot you go through the more the time went the more the training become more difficult more professional and and less people and less people and after 9 months they told us already what's the idea of the unit get this guys like Arabs go into the West Bank and eliminate uh killers in their beds or in their house without them knowing that the soldiers are here. So you're supposed to learn Arabic too. You're supposed to learn Arabic and supposed to it's not being it's not being a spy. It's going in, doing the work, coming out, eliminating. That was the the word. You know a little bit of Arabic. Yeah, but I'll be honest with you. It's like Yiddish. A gabon is a pint. Meaning to say if I would go in bells, even after 10 years, they would feel a dialect. I'm not the Arabic is even more extreme than this, right? Because they have a lot of nuances. 5,000 dialects at least. 500 5,000 different dialects. Really have them. Yeah. So what happens to today's like the ones that No. No. You're not supposed to live there. You're supposed to go in when you go in. You So they pick up on you. Uh it happens. Happens. And the people training today, they they train better. It's not that they train better. Some some are trained to do only this. Some are trained to do only sniping. Some are only. At my time, everybody did everything. Uhhuh. Look, I can tell you one major thing here. I stayed there for five years. Three years is a normal ghann. I got an extra two years to be an officer and a commander. You wanted it at that time. It was worth it moneywise, challenge wise and it worked. Um five years. Five years. I really really at that time I had Niss Nissim all over. I never saw Niss because my my heart was shot. I never had it pilots for nothing. You could shoot me next. I wouldn't even blink. I like a robot. So when I had miracles of I never even I could even acknowledge it. You only look at the mission. Look at the mission. Do what you got to do. You lose. You just function 120%. That's it. You feel nothing. Is there a situation in a life of a person that he needs that tool to be able to over put all the emotions aside? Yes, definitely. But the way it was done, it's in of course there it's an extreme way and five years could could drive you off drive you off. It kills you. I can tell you today after 30 years I still have points that are not clean. I I can tell you painful stories which you're going to get now on the cha point. I love painful because love and fluff and happy and jolly is is is over the surface. It's cheap and and to get real and deep not many people get. So to tell a painful story it resonates with people. It could be they were in a similar situation. It's mazika. Yeah. You know it's interesting. I used to tell as I secular people in the beginning of my way I used to go to people and tell them the story they knew me from TV and all over and show them that is but the more the time went and I started talking to Yishi people I started telling the story from the painful point of view. Not only I did this and I did this. Okay, I did this and I did this but there was another side here that wasn't acknowledged only when I went into after years I could start seeing the other side through what I was going through understanding what was going on here. But let's again let's leave it for the So you want to close up the army chapter and go forward. Um yeah if you do just just uh finish off what how many people did your unit kill or how many give me a poor look I'll tell you one thing I can't when I get we talk about the army and I understand everybody that listens to has but this is dangerous point because this unit was 35 years when I was in this unit there were 95 wanted people in the list of the secret service at my time 87 was c captured or killed but the war had to finish. What do we have today? Millions times. Yeah. Because when a person goes because he multiplies, how do you translate in English? When I'm going to do the best, it's all up to me and I'm going to do I'm not going to conquer. He doesn't have there's no Hashem. All this thing, it just multiplies. And what we see today is 12 of the the the the puts aside and I will do and I will build an Now I'm not talking patronizing any that are doing what they do but this is the what's behind the behind it. People are victims of society everywhere if you don't think and when somebody goes and he's a victim of society secular society so he falls for the secular so when you say meaning rather get killed and not go to the army and also answering today there's a popular new unit there's a new unit for and there's someone very famous I'm not going to mention his name that is trying to pump that people f people should join the army and there's a lot of pushing uh that they want to you're still saying I'm going to ask you two questions why is it so bad a f boy that doesn't learn anything in yeshiva even myself I considered several times I'm suffering in yeshiva I'm not we're not clicking it's not working for me at least be in the army be be something do something what go do volunteer go do a lot of good things uh like you said self-esteem and a challenge do something with your life if a person is secular it's one What what is so dangerous when I say is a person that knows the knows as a process know today is doing one of all of the army together when you just don't do one capital when you're half asleep you pil more for the gunish kingdom more than all this army together this is that the Torah says we don't feel that way but the brain cannot move by the feelings. This is a what is the when I say I'm not judging anybody any saying for me I wonder said you can kill me just let me do before because it's I understand the I'm not judging the other person so when a person doesn't know is one thing when he knows he grew in place and let's say he's not he's not in yeshiva go do a good thing with yourself go volunteer for los the idea of medina all this crematorium what do you think happens to a country that gives up this army. Look, if everybody would say, I don't want to be part of the army. There is no army. There's no country. So, you have to understand and this is a look, I'm putting in here things that are I'm I'm saying the because it's and I stand behind what I say. So, say the only the point I don't believe in the Medina, don't believe in the state. You don't believe in living in Israel. living Israel there's a there's an if I live in Israel is is one thing but being a a part of the Medina of the is so if we would all turn to Hashem there would be a better option to live in Israel than right now when Hashem wants to bring the gul is going to come and this is what brings the gula you go the opposite you pay the price wow so all and I I want to be honest with you I know it's the AMS. Do I feel that way? I'm not there yet, but I'm not going to let my feelings fool am. That's what I'm saying to other people that people that fell off the I'm not judging them. I understand them what they went through and I know what they went through and they never they never saw the Judaism. And they they're the last one to know what Judaism is, right? I'm not I'm not Look, I'm not patronizing anybody. It's easy for you to say listen I love you anyway secularish the son of hashem be loyal to the and understand one thing your emotions are dictating your life and as long as the emotions take you you won't follow the whatever it is I know it's hard and you know something there are many things that I feel like you feel like you about this system I'm with you is with you but the Torah is em is and I'm the And if it takes emotional pain or difficulties, I'll bear it for the amus. But I won't lie to myself saying if it's too painful, it's not the AmI cuz this is another way to live. There's a lot of people it takes them time to differentiate to tor Yeah. between the and the system that they had a painful experience and they felt sped out. they felt not part of and they want to they would love to rejoin if they would know what it is but they don't get to to see the experience. It's a painful point at this point but this is right exactly the definition there's there's a there's the and is what people did from it whether they probably did it whatever it is and this to put this to differentiate between is is is saving lives because loves every is giving us mitzvah to enjoy and even I'll even challenge you when you're going with the stories to said to you, people say to me once, you're going to see what I did after the the army had the oil. You quit the haz for the MS. I said to them, you know something, in the beginning, I felt that way. I knew there's MS and I felt I'm quitting the oil. You're giving up something. But I'm telling you, and I will back it one wherever wherever you challenge me to prove out as is that the best of is when you leave the right way. I gave up nothing. At that time I felt I did. Look, it's a it's a it's a process but nothing nothing. I think young people find it very challenging to believe and and I I want to go through now what you did after the army because you could say such a statement. I I I I feel ashamed. Put me through these places for me to talk today. Say to people listen wherever you are loves you. You can reach out, reach to your heart, reach to Hashem for wherever you are. Don't let the false love fool you. The love you get outside, the emotions you get outside, it's exciting. It's powerful. I know it well. You're going to see you can look at the pictures. You could look at the YouTube. You can see the you can see where I was and you can understand well well well where I was. Okay? And yet I'm saying everything is inside. Everything is inside you. Every love you need you can find inside. You can find where you're living with Hashem with your nebby. You can really find in the best way in a cheaper way and even more upgrade in an upgrade without giving up any gushmak of life as is any not only not giving up it's a richer and a more real and a longerl lasting right love and feel of acceptance. I'm just going to finish off in a second later you can keep going with what happened after the army. Um, we just mentioned if somebody's mat to deferate and it took me years. I mentioned already several times age 27 I was to deferate all the pain I had from the real Yiddish and I started learning about real Yiddish and I'm so lucky and I I wish more people could do that and that's the reason we're sitting here. Um I'm saying not only the next step would be to accept that the pain that you went through was with an exact with an exact measurement of Hashem to make sure that you do your tap and your path which is the next level after discovering% it's turning the pain to a given zone the biggest pleasure to a stepping stool like this you use it you use it you use it to be given and the minute you give it's the biggest pleasure of connection that we are all looking for. People are afraid from pain. They don't go with it and don't understand behind the pain. There's a lot of love and depth. Hashem arranged to you what you went through in order for you to differentiate and then use it instead of it using you. The pain is controlling you subconsciously. You're being moved by your pain. You're shooting the whole the whole system, but you stay stuck inside you. When you will learn to go through this to upgrade and to use it as a tool for giving, you're going to find everything you're looking for. Every pleasure, every power that you're looking for is right inside you. It's right inside you. And it's it's it's doable. It's doable. Exactly. And I'm just learning this now. I'm just scratching the surface. But using my whatever I went through and and this everybody needs to do. It's not an unfortunate like I don't have a choice. I went through the pain. Now I'm going to use it as a stepping tool. No, this was specifically privately designed by Hashem himself for you privately like a custommade lifestyle that you get the tools through your pain. Yeah. It's the the most powerful tools that you can get is through what you went through and and and no other way would work for you. And when you learn how to use it, it's got to its fullest. Right. So now let's continue after the army what happened. So after the army five years in the army I get a prize from the army call it a deeper in our days today a tour to Europe and they want on the house. Yeah on the house they want me sign for another seven years. So it's on the house or under the ground. Oh so they give you like a few months. What do they give They give you know it's two and a half weeks. But when I went to Europe and I saw what I'm missing and I figured out that I recruited to the army for the challenge and I made a lot already. I want to challenge more and I want to take another vacation, see the world. Making long story short, they gave me another two months which added to a year which added till today. Uh what happened was I started making money. So they were trying to convince you to come back. Oh yeah, definitely. Till what age did they try? They tried to convince him at least two years to come back. But wow. So you found the world. You you went out to Europe and I went to Europe and I started making money. Started doing business. How uh embarrassing, but I say it's so doing modeling. Modeling is like let's say you want to sell sell Coca-Cola. So there are big posters of Coca-Cola and advertisements. So the company Coke in Israel used as a model in Israel and also all over Europe. I went I did modeling for sewage for stuff. A lot of money. A lot of money. But you know I it was very rare in Israel for a model to succeed. I was one of the top three in Isel and the first model to work in in in Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of pictures. You can look at it in the you can show some pictures what you're allowed to show. But uh I was all over. I was like after let's say seven months in the business I was considered one of the top. Wow. I used to model for Versace for our money. Really doabana for Yeah. Yeah. You you getting this was Yeah. Yeah. Some Bim would look now respectfully at you. I hope they waited until now to listen to this. Okay. Yeah. So, uh um so now what happens? It just keeps going. Okay. So, here happens the interesting thing. I was in the secular approach on top of the world, right? Doing whatever I want. No boundaries had credits of all the banks in Europe. You go, you go, you do, you make $10,000 a day, you spend 20 a night. Somebody asked me, "Why did you save money?" Said, "Saving for what?" Live by the day. Wow. I was going the whole way. I was an atheist. I didn't believe in anything. Anything was fine for me. One interesting thing. I had a lot of time to think. No pressure. Money flies like water. Do whatever you want. And a lot of time we think and questions starting coming up like I'm 23 years old 23 I make money I did everything I could think about okay you can learn you can do more things but there's no more challenges there's no more challenges but you said to yourself like it's interesting because I figured out people are craving to be where I was and they're never going to get there right when they're going to get to my where I am they want to say okay what more it never ends saying where does it end this thing and I started speaking to people and it's so interesting thing when I talk to people clever people they said a they used to call me a what so questions what do you care just enjoy life said guys we're enjoying it's fine but where is it taking who cares here I saw I was a bit different today I know it's because I'm a Jew then I didn't think about this part like it bothered me it bothered me when does this happen before sessions is this no you're living in Europe in Barcelona in Milano in Sat in Paris in London and there's a shooting day and all the rest is is they have five days of catalog and storm agency for speedo uh uh suits and in the evening you go together you know all the models together they go to to bars and stuff and you know so you have a lot of time yeah a lot of time and you do you chill out you do whatever you want nothing when you have time to think that comes up yeah and think but it came up to me in a in a way that it bothered I want an answer now. Don't give me answer to make fun. I made to have challenges. I know everything to see abuant. It's fine. And where is it taking? Wow. So I started searching while I was modeling started learning philosophy books. Started asking what's going on? What's life for? Give me an answer. I wasn't depressed. I was fine. I was doing good. You're still making $10,000. No, I'm not good. Yeah. I didn't even I didn't I didn't even care. Wow. I You were 23. 23? You know, I live today. I die tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. And you you in the army, you had a lot of near-death experiences. So, this was like a one day you die and that's it. It's a It's a part of life. We call it a part of life. Wow. That's how I mean in the army you go to places, you don't know if you go out alive. You don't care. You have a mission, just do it. So here I was going, you know, people could call me for to make a catalog for $20,000 three days shooting. So you have an agent. Yeah. 16 agents depends what world country. So you tell them to give it to somebody else. It's 20,000. Give it to somebody else. Wow. That's that's how it went. I didn't was like casual attitude. So now for how long does this go until the questions like are really bothering? If you know me, I love traveling. Sometimes I get to remote areas where all I can wish for is a hot Hisha meal. Meal mart with over 20 hot meal options with four different kind of soups and three different kind of beef sticks. So I'm excited to taste one of these. I'm going to choose the meatballs and spaghetti. And because it's double wrapped, it goes into any microwave mugisher meatballs and spaghetti. So, you're ready to go on vacation, but you have no idea where to start. Let me tell you about Lux Destiny, a personal trip planner with door-to-door service from literally inbar park all the way to the Antarctic Circle and of course everything in between. A history trip in Europe to a trail in Colombia with all reservations included like the car, the hotel, the insurance and activities, all of it. Basically, you would not need a vacation after this vacation. Very fast. Pretty fast. Uh 9 months. Okay. When it starts, but when it goes in, I start going the whole way with a suit of with a uh with a suitcases with suits. I take a suitcase with books and I start reading and asking the question. What kind of book? Uh many books. Philosophy books. Okay. And here I had a plus. I wasn't moved emotionally. Nobody could tell me try and do this. You wanted it here. Yeah. I mean, I know what you're saying. It's fun. I know it. I did it. But, okay. Fun doesn't mean it's true, right? It means it's fun. I mean, and I saw everybody I'm asking questions. Nobody wants my approach. Stop thinking too much. Just go with the flow. And I say, "No, I won't go with the flow. I mean, I can do it." And you think Evie Jew has this inside? Yes. Has that craving, that need for uh clarity and answer for Emis. MS is not an emotional thing. It's not like it's MS. My MS is at that time I said everything's em but something said look you know something deeper. Everything I was reading was clever was deep but it didn't give you no logic um structure to build on nice ideas but when I was starting to follow where it comes from how was it structured I certainly was vague. It was it's not not clear. I could respect any religion. Don't go any respect bet but I can't follow something which is not clear clearcut clearcut clearcut so I went into cults after I sit in a cult you go in so first I learned about the cult what he has I saw it makes no sense but I said let's try it in just to see and they make some uh work together and then any question they start asking questions and they're like saying no we can't answer this it's not a part listen you have answers or not we're doing here nice things you know I could do the same to other people also were and people used to like almost chase me. I was almost like wasn't killed. It was a strong guy and there was no effect from nothing. But no answers and I thank Hashem today for this point that I couldn't be carried away emotionally. You won't you won't you won't you won't you won't buy me. It won't you won't buy me. I know what you're feeling. It's nice. I understand. I I was there. I'm not uh putting it off the table. But this is not a judge for the MS. To make long story short, as much as we can, I challenge. If I found somebody clever to challenge, I would go, I said only one thing. Talk to me brainwise. This is my this is my language because of the training of the army. You were talking brain only. I want to know ble exactly what's happening. I'm willing to do all the work to bend my emotions to the MS. But the MS has to be clear, right? Okay. When was the first change? Okay. So the the first he asked me about uh events that happened to me. Here's the second event. Um I'm standing four hours in a queue for somebody in Andora. It's North Spain. He's supposed to be a big uh mashpa. What's a queue? Uh to line a line. Okay. He's supposed to be a big guru, a very clever person. I go in says to me, "Who are you?" You waited four hours. Yeah. So the guys I'm looking for clever people. I have no answers. I want answers. Uh-huh. Could you say a name or a place or leave rather or not? Okay. Um, that means he's still relevant today, right? Okay. So, I went to him. He said to me, "What can I help you?" I said, "I have questions." He said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "I'm looking for the truth." Then I said to him, "Do you have a truth way with evidence I could base on logic approach?" He looks at me, says to me, "You look like a clever guy. Why would you look logically? He said, "What do you mean?" Said, "It's all about the heart." I said to him, "I waited four hours for this taking people after you. You're deceiving them for what? For money?" He said, "This is life." So then what do you mean? So what's the brain for? He says, "To make it the best way." In other words, if you want to steal, you have to learn how not to get caught. Caught by the police do today. Uh, that's what he was saying. Yeah. In other words, follow your heart and justify it logically the best way. I said to him, "This is unbelievable. You didn't like it. You're telling me to follow my emotions?" He said to me, "Yes." I said to him, "If I would do that, I would kill you right now." Wow. I'm serious. He didn't know what hit him. So, he said to me, "There were bodyguards there, but I heard they saw coming." He said to them, "Leave him alone." were to I would do fine with him but um he said to me what do you mean he said if this is what you're saying but I'm supposed to follow my friend I'm supposed to kill says you should try but bear the consequences I said no it's not worth it and I turned around to go when I got to the door he calls me back I held a British passport in my hand when I was talking to him said to me why are you so determined eager yeah yeah on the logic died said this is the only tool to verify as much as possible what is right and wrong said to me if that's your approach you're the fourth guy in the past 10 years that speaks that way I said where the other three I sent him to the Jewish tradition try there wow that was a boom because he's a big guy a big guy he doesn't know I'm Jewish he has no nas and he said to me go to the Jewish tradition And I stand at the which looking for the MS which it's in the Jewish and from a doesn't even know who I am. Said him what do you mean the Jewish tradition said it's the only tradition that walks the way you say I know he's wrong that could prove everything. Yeah I know he's wrong the way I thought. Yeah. I said why aren't you there if it's so truthful? He said because my mission is to be here. That's what my teachers told me. But the person talks your way has to go there. Wow. They give a hard time going in. He's talked about. Yeah. But he thought you need to convert. Yeah. But that if that's your language, it's the only way that does it. I go out of there and say what's going on here. This guy is a clever guy. He doesn't know anything about me. He sends me. I know he's stupid. Nasishma is don't think just do. Like what's going on? On the other hand, he has no gear, which is weird. I got to check this out. Check out what he meant. Check out what he meant and check out Judaism again. The age of 23 and a half. This time loaded with knowledge, experience, and strong. So, nobody could move me. I got to see what's happening here. I took a flight. I fly in the airplane like like you on the bus. Wow. Oh, like the the flight attendants knew me from all the Ban the British Midland and all over you went back to Israel as well. I called a person send me a meeting with a rabbi but tell this rabbi to be careful with me is a logical conversation. Don't mess with one emotion move about he's risking his life. That's how I spoke then. So I'm sorry to speak that way but I'm being as honest as possible after a few minutes calls me a guy says to me what's your name who are you my name is Shaul I said look looking for the he said to me no problem come tomorrow and give me address we'll talk what was the address wow who looked you up a person that was about you for many years that I called him Why did you call him? Because I understand he's he has some maybe connection to somebody wise who could I could speak to and okay a day afterwards I come dressed with the best Armani clothing of course not with Shimon uh going into the Shiva and seeing people like you know looking at them like I asked him something where is Shaul says to me there's no guy Shaul here said him what do you mean I spoke to him yesterday he's the he said to him it's the Rajiv so I went I I You're still totally secular. I'm totally secular. Not only this, I'm with a head of a officer in the army, right? So when they sent me to the to his room, I just knocked and opened the door like in the army. Yeah. Said to him, "Yo, Sha said to me, Vikai." Yeah. Come in. There was a bowl of fruit there. Says to me, "Take something to eat." Picks it up. What do you want? He said, "What do you mean I want? We have to speak. Speak out what? I have questions." Questions? B to go away. You're not supposed to know what B is even. Yeah. And I said to him, what? What? Don't waste my time. I said, I spoke to you yesterday. What do you think is going to happen? Going to come here. You're going to put the keep on me like all the guys that followed you blindly. I have questions and you don't have answers. Wow. It's the same old technique. The same like the rabbi you met by the rabb for me like don't ask questions meaning I have no answers. Yeah. said to me, "No, I have answers, but I don't have time for you." So, why did you call me right? When why do you want me to come? He said, "You want the amus?" I said, "Of course I want the I want the amus. Stay here." I said, "Listen, guy." He had guts. You don't play with me games. I don't care who you are and what you are. The only thing I see is there are no bars in the window behind you and it's three stories high. That's how that's how I spoke to Rabbi. Don't mess with me. You're an army guy. You called me. You want a challenge. He said to me, I want to challenge you if you really want the Amis. Said, of course, I want the Amis. Said, fine. I want you to promise me that if you I show you is you leave everything and come to me to learn. I said, you can't prove this. He said to me, and if I can said, if you can, I have to do it. But he can't. But if I can, if I if you can, I have to do it as is. So he got out. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. So he said to me, "Okay, if you promise me this," I said to him, "But wait a minute, it's a duel. You promise me the opposite." H if I show you, you're on the wrong track. You come with me to Tel Aviv. H said to me, "That's obvious." Wow. Obvious. He said, "How old are you?" I'm 45. I'm married. I have kids, but I want the And if I'm wrong, I want to know it. One of us is on the wrong track. So, it's a deal. I'll challenge you. Whoever wins takes the other one with him. Wow. It was the first person that spoke that way. I did a lot of talking to people. Very clever. I'll show you I'm right. Let's say maybe I'm wrong. Let's talk. It's like he comes to convert you. Right. He said, "No, I'm coming to fight for the MS. The MS is for both of us. Whoever wins takes it." I was I said to him that's a promise. He said to me, "Yes." Okay. I said to him, "Write down the questions." I had a bag with that you can't find [Music] find. I said to him, "Okay, write down the questions." He says to me, "I don't need to." He said, "What do you mean?" He said, "I know the questions. I know the answers. What you forgot, I will remind you and push it. If we make something new, I'll write it down. You can learn from every person." After a few months, he told me that he understood he has to speak that way. I was my I saw this guy thinks he's I'm going to teach him. I took out a safer something for the far east. I said to him, okay, this safe I won't say the name. I avoid his own name. He said to me, you cannot ask me from this safe. What do you mean? I choose where to ask. You can say I don't know the answer. He says you can't ask me for this stuff. I said why? A you don't know this. B why can't I do it? He said, "Well, there are five editions for this book. What edition are you holding?" Ah, I didn't know there were five editions. Third, he said, "Well, there's a contradiction in the between the third and the fifth edition." He knew nobody knows can't buy this for him. Listen. Wow. I said to him, he says to me, "You can't question me from a book that contradicts itself from two editions." Said to him, "You don't know this book." He said to me, "Well, maybe you should test and see if I know it." Wow. That was too much for me. I said, "This is playing with me. It can't be." I open, started reading. He says to me, "Well, I think in the third edition, it's chapter 26. You're on the left hand side." No way. Okay. Here, this guy is not a regular guy. Okay. He looks like a penguin. We call the black penguins from the ghetto. Sorry, that's how that's how you preserved it then. Yeah. So I put it aside and I started shooting questions. First time in my life defeated to dust in a logical fight. Every time to dust first time first time three and a half hours bringing all the philosophies. This guy was sitting down logically and here was a it was a big event from two points. Point number one, I'm 23 years old and a half understanding. I did not know what Judaism is. This is not an religion of connect and be. This is the only religion that gives you the option to ask the questions to clarify and verify the basics of the existence of Hashem and Torah and and you're allowed to ask the questions. and the only religion that is willing to logically prove it on the highest level of any kind of proof. Wow. For me it was a new thing. After three and a half hours he stopped and he said I said I have a lot of questions but listen historically you proved you proved to me um scientifically you proved to me law like a like a lawyer. Yeah. Yeah. You proved to me I have a lot of questions because you proved to me the existence of Torah but they said to me yeah but you promised to tell them listen you gave me enough material give me one week with my friends to check it out but if this is it I'm coming to me and if if it's not I'm coming to you right wow then I said to him you know something let's put aside the philosophy look how you look like. Look how you look like. Now you went to the emotional abyssal. I said to him, "Look how you look like." Said him, "What's the problem with the way? If Hashem created music and food and and and and I said it out loud and clothes and a way to shave a beard, why do you look like this?" Yeah. He said to me, "What's what's bothering you?" Said, "Nothing. What's your problem?" He said, "You have a problem. Look how you look like." I mean, Hashem created the world. He created so much fun. Why can't you have fun? Question from 12 10 11 years before 13. Yeah. When you were age of 13. Yeah. But this time from another angle. This is the question that a lot of people in this generation. But I want you to see the definition. When I was 13, I started with this question and went to the logical questions. Right? This time was the opposite. You finished all the logical. I got the logical. This is it. I'm going to check it. I'm gonna do it anyway because it's the AMS. But what's going on here? So, it's a matter of maturity in a way. It's like you can't judge the MS with the feelings. You can't you have to judge the Mis with the best tool you have for the Amis and then follow it. So, I said to him, she said to me, "What's your problem?" I said, "I have no problem. You have what? I'm enjoying life. You don't enjoy life." He said to me, "But you have to agree with me this in the emotional zone." Assuming it's the MS and we have to suffer. We have to suffer. I said, "Right, right." But yet, he said to me, "Listen to me. I'm going to prove to you that I enjoy life more than you." Really? I said to him, "Prove. Be my guest. Do it." You're left. He doesn't even know what enjoy life. No, he doesn't know who he's talking to. I mean, he doesn't look at TV. That's what he says anyway. So, I said, "I'm okay. Go for it. But it has to be logical. You can't don't don't logic. Pure logic, but both ways. He said to me, I said, "Okay, go for it." Said to me, "Okay, here we go. Me and you are walking on Yafa Street, the main street in Yeah. And suddenly you both see a big big picture billboard, an unappropriate picture, says the rabbi, and we all understand what he's talking about." Yes. I said to him, "Yes, what's your question?" He says to me, the rabbi, do you look at it or not? I said to him, before I answer if you look at it or not, let's ask you how long do you look at it? Not if you look at it. How long? Said to me, what do you mean? I said, look, before I'll answer you, you answer me. You don't have this mashim. Yeah, I don't know what you hide in your cupboard, but if you see this, you look at it for hours, right, Rabbi? Says to me, please answer me. I said, you answer me first. said to me, "Okay, I answer. If I walk with you when we see this picture, I'm craving to see it. It's interesting. I hope Hashem is going to help me not to see it and put my eyes down." I said, "The rabbi and a liar goes together not saying they're ems." He said to me, "Why do you think so?" I said, "But why do you do it?" He said, "I'll tell you why." Because if I walk and see it, I look at it and it's interesting and exciting and I go home and when I open the door to talk to my wife for 25 years, I talk to my wife and think about the picture that I saw. Said to him, "Okay, so by the way, Rabbi, you're on the wrong track. Just you're losing the you're losing the battle because you're just proving out to me that because you were choked in the community, you see a picture, you go cuckoo." Yeah. Says him, "Let me finish." Finish. But you're you're on the wrong track. Let me finish. So when I talk to my wife, I think about the picture I saw. I said to him, "Okay, this is called says betraying the wife." I said, "I don't know what's it called, but I tell you what you need. You need medication. You're sick." I said to me, "Okay, I'm sick and I need medication. Let's go back to you. Do you look at the picture or not?" I said to him, "Honestly, no." Said, "Really? Why not? Why not?" Is it? You probably know the name of the model. I know the name and the model. And what you hear is in the picture which is I live with this in Tel Aviv. I know where the picture was. I don't even look at it in real, not in picture. Why? Because it doesn't move you. Says to me, well, well, what? You just lost the the battle. Said to me, I said, you're 45 years old. You walk, you see a picture, you go cuckoo. You have problems with everybody. I'm 24 years old. Not the picture, their MS, the real one, doesn't move me. Said to me, are you listening to what you're saying? Said to him, what do you mean? Said to me, you 24 years old sees a picture like this doesn't get blown away, you need medication. You're sick. What are you saying? Said to me, I'm not even talking. You are enjoying life. When a person looks at the sun and is not blinded, it's because he's blind. You stopped enjoying life. You're 24. You did everything. Nothing moves you. You're exhausted. You're exhausted. Nothing moves you. Nothing excites you. You ended up, you can't enjoy life. The strongest thing really doesn't move you. That's why these people that go up there, they go to drugs because there's nothing else to go to. He said to me, "I'm 46 years old, almost 45. I didn't do everything you did, but when I give my wife a hand, I'm excited like a kid. They have to understand one thing. The Torah has no Indian to choke your enjoyments. It has an Indian to give you boundaries to have a longterm enjoyment in the right place, the right time. And you have to understand that you are 24 years old. You cannot enjoy life anymore. Even in a secular way, you can't. Then he said to me, "And you're coming from a religious home." I was a third one. Boom. But then what? You have a traditional background. Why would he say that? Why would you say that? Because the questions there, I detect a bit of anger behind. You were given whatever it was to mitzvah in a choking way. Nobody explained to you what power and beauty it puts you into. Just don't do this. Don't do this. In other words, the rabbi at the age of 14, he would answer to me. I said to him, "Why is hem it's so boring to be religious?" He would say to me, "You're just not religious." What do you mean by Shabbat? You're an amazing robot of whatever it is, but religious you're not. You don't know what religion is. the last for a secular person that never saw religion much easier to connect and enjoy yiddish kite from a person that went off the so I'm going to say Niss black says that word that when he came after reading the book he was shocked to see that the people of the book are not reading the book that was a strong statement that I heard Niss black and I want to simplify what you're saying into our generation and even me uh today that would do it the right way I would say there's 100% of enjoyment let's say and if you waste some of it outside you get less with at home and less at home and the the the the plan of Hashem is to leave the 100% at home right and it's so rich and real that with the years you get more and more excited and more and more connected on a deeper level right and you enjoy more right even the physical everything everything is renewing doing itself and gets upgraded. I have to understand that's something that a lot of room Jews don't know and it's painful for me and I also didn't know at the beginning. I think 10 years into my marriage I didn't know this. This is a very painful point because I'm not saying look I'm not it's important that we understand I'm saying to all of you we have this to grow in and the Jewish world and I envy you for this but the point of choosing the and the issu for sure didn't try for the for the also I want to tell you that I I left out of this meeting with rabbi with two points. Point number one, I went to Tel Aviv. My friends saw what they saw and said it's em it took them 15 years to become a children. Wow. With the years one passed away, it took me two days. Here I had a plus of doing what is right to do. No emotions. If it's you moved into Yeah. After two days I came say to him what are you doing I said him I gave you a week said rabbi em is wow and I'm saying today toem my heart was closed because the day I found out Judaism is if my heart would work I would die and I'm happy that my bring my heart here with heart attack on the spot and I could block it but I won't because I'm today with it in the right place in time. Why are you getting so emotional? Because to find out the age of 24, you burnt your on the on nothing. The right way the right way was to I was I was soul minister getting married the age of 18 with the first spouse with no previous memories at the age of 18 and building your life together is burnt burnt but before the butt is burnt and be with it before you go to the butt burns burns it hurts it hurts I envy People don't get this. Don't be so emotional. I can I can play with emotions either way and I know say this is a place to be emotional. People don't know what they're missing and I understand the people went off. I saw understand them. I worked with them. They have all the talents in the world which are right. I mask him. I mask him. But you're losing life. You went through this cuz you had to go through a special unit in the right place. You went you went through you went through difficulties to build to be a strong person to be mash on others. You're burning twice. Don't sell your heart to emotional excitement that the outside gives you. What do you gain from it? You know inside what's going on. You're staying empty. You're staying anytime. You know it. I'm going to clash into you. I'm not threatening you. It's a fact. Sounds a fact. Some people brag outside about um whatever and when they look themselves in the mirror, they know they know it's not right and and I so some people are fighting just because they're they want someone to come and fight them back and answer them and give them the the the clarity. They don't have it. Some fight to fight, some fight it's a it's a whole move. I worked with this with years. I don't judge anybody. I understand it fully. I'm not saying it to be with them. I understand where it's coming from. Understand that when a person grows with no love, he gets choked because love is oxygen and you need it. And if you don't get it, you're choked. And when a person's choked, he takes everything that moves. I was a lifeguard before the army. They used to tell us when somebody's drowning in the last 10 seconds, his adrenaline is so high, he needs oxygen. When you come to save him, he's going to drown with you. He doesn't see. So I asked them was like, "But I'm coming to save him." He says he doesn't see anything. He just wants to live to grab. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's a technique what to do. But the idea is the same thing today. People are are craving because of the craving for love. The normal for craving for love. I take everything that comes. Drugs, psychedelics, Iaska all the start to give me explanations. Give me a break. Give me a break. Everything's inside you. All the happiness, the love, the is inside you. You got to go through a painful maybe a painful process. Agreed. What do you prefer? Ignoring the pain, numbing it down with drugs and and parties. it's going to crash into you. I me as a from born and raised I I just want to sum it up that what I learned is the less you look outside the more rich and solid and stable and meaningful and healthy and helpful and exciting and love is at home and it's much more than you can ever get outside and even when you do get something outside you don't you don't get anything there you stay with nothing and you it's more. It's another level. It's not like a level from one to 10. This is 10. This is one. This is dimension one. It's another dimension. It's not even on the same dimension. This is emis and and you know it's you can't bring it over to teenagers that they're saying yell yella. They have no idea. I understand. I understand. Okay. So, they take but they take they will take drugs. They will take whatever it is to feel high and high but their heart stays stays numb and painful. Yeah. When I understood this Zamas, I came to the rehiva and I told the rabbi, [Music] um, listen, I have time for nothing. I was in the wrong army. I want to do the same army here. Ah, that's that's where the 2 a.m. comes in, right? So, tell me what happened. So, I'm starting to no sleeping. It was 2 a.m. was afterwards. I'm starting to sleep on the same. You didn't sleep in the army. You said the same and more and do what? learn and ding and ding and learn nothing to catch up like you go 10 p.m. to sleep on the floor. Wow. Wake up 11:28 at night. You were like the soldier elite unit of this. Yeah. I didn't at that time the heart and the at that time yet just be a soldier of Hashem. There's no time for nothing. Just learn and learn and learn. No eating, no sleeping. I couldn't how people sleeping for eight hours. Huh? And eating for 45 minutes makes no sense. But none of my business. I was like, um, those tried to balance me. Listen, you got to sleep. You got to eat. I told him, "Hey, you don't tell me. Don't tell him I have to be a soldier. You can teach. This is my part." So, I'm cuckoo. I didn't say he let you go for how long. Let me listen. What happened? A month, another month. It's a was a long story with a lot of details, but people he told him not to mess with me. I I said, "Okay." What happened was after like a month and a half, one night I go to sleep 1000 p.m. Wake up 9:06 in the morning. Whoa. It was a miracle for you. It's not a miracle. It's stay for me. For me, first time in how long? No. And 11 hours. Ever. Never. Ever. Never. Even the mic. Ever. Never. I could. Okay. I remember like I look looked at the clock. Put on filling went to the from 9:15 to 10 p.m. Didn't move. 10 p.m. went to sleep. I'm supposed to wake up 11:28. Was that after 11:28? Was already Yeah. 40 11:40 for me. My best unit till the morning and fat. Wow. Go to sleep waking up 5:00 a.m. 7 hours. Started thinking what's going on here. This shisha put a sleeping pill in my water. Really? For sure. What's the option? It's one option. one option. Okay. From the secret service person. That's how I think. Okay. I went to him, opened the door. Oh, how dare you? What do you do? You have to understand. You have to understand the gaps. The guys with the big gimm. Yeah. Comes to me. What? Puts up his head. What? What? Did you put a sleeping peel in my water? What happened? You woke up late. Uhhuh. You admit. He said to me, "No, I told you it's not going to work." Wow. Said to me, "Yeah, but that's you're admitting." close to the I always say to him I have a physical and but the ane of going down eye to eye your level the person that is sick doesn't even know it says to me the shiva I told you it's not the way I said to him what do you mean I told you it's not the way to work I said to him rabbi I was like this for 5 years I understand normal people can't do it it's fine I did it I stuff. Yeah. He said to me, "But there the yet was keeping you up every second is another here. It changes the side." Said to him, "Hello, there's mystics. You want to talk to me grand level. Nobody's pushing me nowhere." Said to me, I have to understand doesn't work that there is a fight here. When you're there, said them, "Okay, what do you suggest?" said to me, "You got to check out what emotion was when were you in the army? taken to Bitush. He said, "Rabbi, army zero emotion." He said to me, "It can't be." Said to him, "You're telling me about the army?" He said to me, "Yes, can't be. Where were you in the army?" He said to me, "It was this, this, this." Said to me, "There is only emotion." Rabbi, this is not a He threw away all your theories, Rabbi. What kind of emotion? Gave. Oh, he said I said he gave me some. Look at this. these books of emotions to see for me says to me look and he gave me a ra marked it out going to check out what emotion was moving and come up and when I came out after almost an hour I said to him we're talking about mid sagava said to him yes said to him what's going on here said to him they fooled you when they said no emotions they mean he can't be weak he can't express weakness what happens to a person which is not aware weakness Did you ever fail? He said to them, I said to them, "ever you're the weakest person in the world. They're messed up." Not they messed up your heart. They kill your heart. They kill your option to be needing cuz we are needy to Hashem. And you don't have this. What are you saying to me? Said to me, "You want to grow? You can't use your emotions are messed up. I can't fix them. You can't fix them. But one emotion you have plenty [Music] okay to be eat. Wow. Flip the card. You know what's you know one word of pump your ego to be your Jewish ego. Wow. So what about the other emotions? I can fix it and you can fix it. But Hashem could fix everything. Go back to learn and ask with tears to help you open your heart. I answered him. I can do tears for not for me. Wow. I went in. That's part of what they taught you at that time. Tears was not available. Not an option. I went to he went sleep well, eat well. I started 20 hours at Cifus learning and learning no understanding and I have average cup plus nothing. What are you talking about? Gimur and stuff Mishna Gimore I think he was weird physics I could learn mathematical I could learn comes to gima doesn't go in I didn't know then when you when you're messed up with dirt kesh doesn't go in gamoa is not a Jewish law it's in in the it's not only it's not like but the more I learn the worse it gets suddenly I started feeling bored bored now I didn't say I not express feelings on board but like took me hey of that year you probably walk into that mikvah marching I'm like I went in I didn't know I'm a coin I was also content I didn't know I went in I marched right in you're a coin okay so I open the gimo that day and I start to read it doesn't go in and suddenly I feel I hate it. Ah, it's boring now. I I can I can relate to the boring and the hat. Yeah, but I didn't know to say this that way. I just something was happening there. In words of today, the Torah started healing my emotional system, opening the junk to come out. I didn't know it, but a certain I'm trying to and like there's a So, you're giving me some hope. Oh, wait. Here I stopped and I said, "And why I go to Kurdesh. People are learning. I didn't care. Openesh. Somebody said to me, "What are you doing?" said, "Just watch out." I open. I put my head inside and said Hebrew English. I got it. I got it. I know your m to MS. I can prove to every ye no need to em logically clear. I have no fus. No questions. Every word show is life. This is life. I know it clear. This is what I know in my head. Then I said an expression which for me was Chinese. The first time since the age of maybe 12. You know what I feel? I feel I hate said I feel I hate you. I starting like I was I remember like what is this? Where's it coming from? And I started saying things that you use by the first is that's how you speak. I know but I said like cuz it I know it's it's like a was open all the things like 10 minutes coming out and then saying okay got it. I know Torres M Shabas I know this but I feel I understand I have a Jewish brain and a go heart. Wow. And as I said this I cracked crying never till then and from then I'm like this 20 minutes of crying understanding what's going on my head is here my body is here my heart is on the street messed up started saying please give me back my heart I can't fix it can't and all the like I don't care now we Zam, please give me back my Jewish heart. I can't fix it. I'm going to do everything you said because you said so. No conditions. I'm going to do I'm a soldier. I'm your soldier. Do everything you everything. Why? Because you said so. This is one thing. But please give me this to enjoy to connect. Please give me back my joy heart. Please. I was crying for like 20 minutes. I think every needs such a 20 minutes. So that was a pivotal moment. I'm going out. I went out already understanding more. Start emotional work. Start learning your emotions. Start understanding where you're messed up and stuck. Start learning. And from then till today what do you do today? They give courses to called is the first word Hashem said to also the coin but I didn't know this I didn't know this really I asked to give me a name for the fine afterwards I saw it's my initials with my name interesting wow yeah and the idea of the course is is to to I'm saying tom I say to my Don't take for granted what you have. It's a at the same time because we take it for granted. We don't give kashivas to it. Yeah. This is your Yeah. Yeah. Talking by dinging seems normal. I tell my kids don't take it for granted. You put on fill and don't take it for granted. Remember my first I was sitting already. Yeah. Already six years sitting and crying. Yeah. Seeing my Kindle was in the last but this was the first one was next to me. They won't mention his name. It's battle to him. Said to me, "What are you crying for? It's only what are you crying for?" Said to him, "Rabbi, it's why aren't you crying? Why aren't you crying?" To me, where is it written? You have to cry. Yeah. Where is it written? Crying from simply ask him why you're crying. Where is this written? And you're right. We take it for granted. Yeah. He didn't say what are you saying? He heard said if I'm taking for granted what I have to chew. Yeah. And you know it's like Yeah. So I could cry from fillin. I could cry from small things. Not is to cry dka. I have a lot of I have a lot of work to do. Look, I have a lot of cleaning to do. But to be happy with being the son of Hashem and having the ups and downs and the best unit of Hashem world under the supervision doing the MS because it's MS and working it out. Yeah, there's ups and downs, backwards and forwards. there's a fight and so it's mainly this course I echo the idea of the I gave a lot of lectures in the secular world um all over for years I did sat in for years my rabbi sent me to go out to and I do I learn and I also go out and I give those courses past 10 years which is to there's nothing new in the course you give it in New York also also in New York in English here in Hebrew and the idea is is to be aware of what's happening inside you to make to differentiate between who you really are versus what you feel and start putting things into order and and starting to be I could say I started the course I started the course meaning that the last three I couldn't join because my I didn't finish it yet but I can tell you that it was so tough you hit home the the the silence at the beginning scares me the You have that I don't know if you still do it, but a few years ago you had that 20 minute silence at the beginning. I thought I'm going to die. That was the the hardest thing for me. But you definitely go in very very deep and you train the people to dig their best self out of it. Yeah. I mean it's inside you. It's not I'm not sending her anything new. It's all genuine Judaism, right? The words are putting into a terminal terminology that people could work it out and see that there's nothing outside that we need. We don't need it. Not only we don't need, we have much more inside. If you and it damages us when we take it instead of the genuine person could take but working we have everything inside us and I'm telling you again let's talk in the is the best you do it the right way all over in any aspect is food wise it's sportwise anything you do when you do it in the right place at time you enjoy it you enjoy it physically enjoy it emotionally you enjoy it logically you enjoy it spiritually there's a social atmosphere. Yeah. You have it all inside you. And somebody asked me once like what's the do you miss something from the secular world? Was a big secular crowd. So to them yes. Everybody was like h now they want to hear what it is. I told them I miss the craving for the I had in the darkness. Wow. You start going we're living we're learning. We're doing it in other words a diamond mind. We do good and sometimes like okay so we're in the MS let's leave the MS looking for searching for no best this sometimes gets numb and this is the engine of aid searching and craving for the always it never ends and if it numbs down when I was there it was burning so I don't want to go back but somebody asked me once but you gave up so much said to him it was the same crowd said to him give me One thing I gave up which I don't have today. I'll challenge you. They knew me. They know you're the best model. You're modeling. So then what am I doing right now? They're cracked up. I said I'm modeling. I'm on the stage and I'm talking to people. What I'm modeling is different. I've modeled Vachi. This is why I'm modeling something else. But what the point was there's no Indian to kill my stage person. That's my tough kids. Do at the right place in time. the the the the the message was only giving us and if we have to go through it's your choice. I'm saying to everybody I envy thank Hashem so much for every small thing that you have and yeah if something is bothering you you could verify the ams and then work on your emotions instead of shooting the system which I understand why you're doing it's fine but you're losing yourself and it's a shoot. Yeah. Yeah. Um, what was your happiest moment in life? Uh, it's a good question. First of all, the marriage. What age was that? Uh, a it was nine months after after the first after the yeshiva. Really? Yeah. It's an interesting story. Nine months after you moved into the yeshiva, you already got married. Yeah. Really? It's fast. Yeah. Bashem was my plan. But you know, Hashem's plan. Do what do you have a special story for the for the Yeah. Not for the podcast. Not for the podcast. Okay. Very special. So the marriage itself was a was a Yeah. happy moment. Okay. And look, a lot of happy moments also today. You know, it's not the one happy moment when you're happy person when you connect. Happy moments happen all the time. Happy sadu. But you live it. So every every every every event has its its unique uniqueness. Yeah. Yeah. the the first boy but also the last one. I mean that it's all know it's not one thing what happened to you. It's not one thing. Everything is a process. When did you feel accepted in bells? By the first time I swear and by bells um from the beginning already what from day one. Yes. Even if you look totally different than you when I look for me going to bells was not my type. My tap is give me a stand on the gim. I'll go to a mountain sit there and learn those more system. I can join you all the systems and the systems and the systems. First time I went to to belish like these guys are weird. There's a standing behind me giving me a push. So I I stand to listen one more I'm going to break your leg afterwards. I said, you know, but I was like what's this weird things? They got somebody eating here. Everybody's looking at him. So it wasn't for me in the beginning. I didn't even think about this. I want a pure emist also in Judaism I went to look for what is the right place what is the more genuine place um was a it was a a journey a journey also in it wasn't in one day but I felt accepted from the beginning look let's be honest uh you didn't have those uh staring there's always no staring but also when you're secular and you do ever everywhere we're going to go they're going to be people don't understand this even I had a nice test somebody came to me after month He disguised himself as a writer, author that's writing a a story, article. Yeah. Not an article, a story. Okay. For a book that's going to come up in a year of can you interview me? I said, yeah, you can interview if it comes out in a year. After a week, I saw it in the newspaper. He fooled me. Ah, they sent him. Okay. But why would you care? It's something you agreed to. Yes. But I didn't want to me I didn't want I be be honest don't lie. Mhm. Don't lie. I was then fuming. I cut the guy came I said to him said but you have to have I said to him because if not you will not live by noon time. No serious that's but for me I said afterwards of the person I have a close person that I know in Israel. I thought several times to send him to you. Uh but he's not open for it yet. And he went off the D and he just last time I met him, every time I go to Israel, I try to meet up with him and uh he gives me this whole monologue that he just realized that in secular the secular people have the same problems. It's not like he ran from here because he had social issues and whatever happened in the and this and now he came there. It not only didn't solve anything, he found a whole new um system of its own problems. Right. So, so now he wants to come back, but he doesn't know how to. What I'm just uh elaborating on your point. The point is like this. Whatever difficulty emotionally you have is going to go with you everywhere you go. Yeah. It's not that if you're changing a place, you're going to solve a problem, right? There's something inside that has to be figured out. So, you also do bias, right? Look, I don't do Hashem does shias. I'm You sit with couples sometimes? Yeah, I said with couples but and and today I also do I also do an course which is notides I could do with couples through the zoom on a blank screen. Nobody sees nobody. Okay. They sit in their homes. Okay. They only see me but I don't see them. You have this thing I heard that you take off your glasses when No, but this is the pushet not to look at is pushut. Pushet for who? push for that wants to be connected to his heart and to Hashem and not as and be even more invested in his home. Yeah. Zero distractions. Yeah. I mean zero. Yeah. So the idea on on the the she gives to ladies and I give to men but since she doesn't know English when I do it with the I give it and the couple has his work with themselves through the week. So it's a new thing. Is that that's not called? What is that called? It's called it's called Nice. Yeah. Nice. By the way, right, it's all about getting your heart into the equation is a big big movement today, which I adore and respect a lot, but they keep saying how keep fighting, keep fighting, you'll they never say the benefit of it in your home. You you're going to enjoy much more. You're going to be much more in peace and aligned. Of course, we can do a whole podcast about alignment. Yeah. But uh it's not just lose out on it. G give it up. Sacrifice it for Hashem. Be you will be much more satisfied. What you're saying is look there are two approaches with both Amis. Um person has to see what what talks to you more. Some some people like to hear the Musul and what's going to happen if you don't do this. It's right. Some like to the VA are both places. I think most people in this generation this generation when you see the need for not without but a lot of it all has to be together but the balance is different with the with the generations today when a person has no nothing's going to work. Yeah, I'm going to quote the last two people calls it doramasim like we got cold and we're supposed to give out heat for our kids even if we got smacked in and they had a race who had a better stick and they but now we're supposed to be the warm version but said in recent he said it's soal to give a and a butai go back in your line you know a miss is not not a Look at the point is push that we have there's a today when you approach a kid or approach yourself you have to see where you're standing right one without the other will never work right how much for one another it changes and you need the right balance to do and when you go the right way with the and the right way you benefited the whole way I want to tell summarizing the whole thing is saying for a Jew to mitzvah is a journey to expose out The love that Hashem loves every gives you the oil to connect the best way to build your and when you become a fighter and the best unit of Hashem where you are use all the opposite take the right place you have this to be fighter number one and and recruit with you all the group around youm We have the MS we follow it of learning of only this is our it's not going to change and this is it and the more we're devoted to it we have to to to to understand and value that every small thing we do is considered like billions of previous doras because of the darkness. So let's focus on the good, focus on the love, focus on the benefit, how much Hashem loves us. And yeah, when it's time to do mus, you could do mus. But you're emotionally healthy and loved, then you got the mus the right way. And you should know everybody has his his own pattern to go, path to go. And let's say it's your choice whether to to blame the outside or to say, wait a minute, this is where I am. that's starting to build inside to find the emashem set for us and find the emis that hashem wants us to get to and I'm saying you have this to grow and I envy you for this and has all I should also you know there's still a way to go I'm not mr perfect a long way to go don't worry about it but there's a sadikim there's there's there's that we could take it the best way amen Amen. Amen. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for this hoot. It's a pleasure. Wow. What an what a pod. What a pod. What a pod.