From Basketball to Yiddishkeit... & Everything In Between | R' Moshe Chaim Proctor | #whatapod EP. 5

the holes in high school. The sea split. Really? Yeah. Really? I was the man. Wow. Yeah. You don't miss it. I still am the man. I love this. I really say this and again, don't take this the wrong way, any viewer, but I was to go off. I was If you don't believe in God, why why are you doing everything? So, good morning, Ahri. I get to have Shabas. Yeah, it's a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me on the podcast. Big fan of the podcast and uh No, I watch I watch the podcast and um it's a very big to finally be here. Um I was born and raised in Jerusalem matas gazint and um my mama my mother uh they were studying they were learning in yeshiva init my father was a balcha he was he was learning in yeshiva isa in the old city um and my mother throughout her whole journey as well she ended up again it's not not not now it's I don't have the time to go into their stories but how she ended up in Israel as well studying becoming abus she was learning in IAT and ne the Asia affiliates you know the women's programs and they were studying there they had me I was thear and we were born in Israel was born we lived there for approximately a year and a half and then you know the ishim uh our cousin started acting up a little bit and uh your father freaked out freaked out freaked said it's time to move back to America. Wow. And my father grew up in Boston. My mother grew up in Los Angeles, you know, affluent, wellto-do. So anyh business was uh let's go already. And uh they went back to my they they settled in my they found a place in Muny. And and let's just you know fast forward the first eight years of my life regular normal shall we say two parent household a younger brother a younger sister my father calls our family sheish light shivish cow what does that mean you know American American sports sporting games have a good time it's a normal American lifestyle that's the way I grew up until I was And then when I was eight, the Bakar, we found out that my mother was diagnosed with yan. Wow. Who was the one who told you? That's a great question. I don't remember. Probably probably my dad. Probably my father. You remember the day the where you were? No, I don't remember. But I I remember I was I remember I was eight. I know I was eight. Did it mean anything to you at the time? For sure. Definitely not. Okay, good. But I tell you what what did mean something to me that throughout as we'll discuss the two years of treatments that my mother went through my father was very of course understandably so busy with her going to different places over the next two years. My mother received treatments in New York, California, Mexico and he was with her. So who was at all? Good question. And to tell you the truth, not not not only not not only were was was the parents not at home, but us the kids, we traveled around to different places, meaning different houses, different people, the community in the extended Muny community where we grew up. They took us in and we're kifa this family, TFA that family and people were incredibly nice to us. They they showed us a lot of passion, compassion, support, care. Um, you know, I'll just digress for a moment. I remember my father told me and he's told me many times before. He said, he said, Hashem gave us this na this challenge, this matzah of, you know, mommy being sick and I have to do everything I can in my living power is to take care of her, to be there for her, support her. If Hashem decides something, if Hashem decides to take her, then I can live with myself as long as I've done everything I possibly can. I have to leave it all on the table. And that's what my father did. And so therefore, we understood and we went to different places and we went through the process. And fast forwarding two years, we were 10. I was 10, my brother was eight, my sister was four. And we were in Los Angeles at the time because my mother was there in the hospital there. and mozz 15 years ago. My mother passed away again. I'm 10 years old now. So when she passed away, you know, it didn't really mean so much. Well, who told you? I remember we were sitting in my grandmother's den and I think there was an incredible Yid who was like a a big brother kind of guy for us who flew out with us to Los Angeles. I think if I remember correctly, he came with pizza. We knew something was going on. I I knew something was going on. And he told us my mother passed away. Again, a kid's 10 years old. This might you can't really can't really be our brains aren't are incapable are able to be toy such a such a such an idea. But we found that she passed away and people I remember were flying in our manal from yeshiva yeshiva katana here in my flew out to Los Angeles different one of the one of the one of my fathers ra and the community flew out to join us for the for the laa was in Los Angeles you remember it I remember she's buried in Los Angeles she's buried in Los Angeles because my mother grew up in Los Angeles and my you know my baba lives there she live in be well and uh so my my mother's you as he looked in Los Angeles. She's buried in Los Angeles. And remember that you know we had the Levia. When were you there last time? Los Angeles. Yeah. My mama. Yeah. Last Pis. Yeah. So when I was in high school again, jumping a little bit. I used to go out, you know, four or five times a year to Los Angeles to, you know, we'll get into the story. Used to play. Whatever. We'll get there. But um but now you know now we live in and go usually yearly you know pes time. So anything you remember from the Levia or from the sh I remember we sat where the room was set up is you know you have the the coffin you know this is actually the first time you know I've said my story in the past but this is the first time speaking in such great detail about you know things like lava and things like that. So um should be for my mom's. And so we sat there. We sat there. I remember the my mother was laying the coffin was on top of like a little uh stage. People were getting up giving speeches and there was a crowd. people who came to beak mobile came [Music] to and the members of the family who sat on the side like a side um in that same room but like on the side to be able to watch maybe had some privacy over there. That's pretty much all I remember. Wow. But yet I have that image stays with me. And of course, every time I go back to the cemetery, I see where my mother's buried and it's there and her tombstone. You have conversations with her when you go. I definitely try to connect to her light, to her energy, to who she was. Again, it's a clue that she passed when I was 10. It's it's it's a blessing. The fact that, you know, I don't remember so much, but that same blessing is also a is also a curse. So, I don't have so many memories. fond or not fond I don't have so many memories so we had a little shiva in Los Angeles then I remember we came back to my father was sitting shiv again 10 years old my brother eight sister's four we don't know what's flying this guy do food you know we're I remember we we were in the bedroom and people were coming to me on my father and that process is actually just I'm thinking about it now it's just a great it was just a billable confusion and I would say from 10 to 13 14 the next three four years of my That's when the confusion started. I had a lot of pent up aggression inside of me. Confusion, anger. Again, 11, 12. So your brain is there, but it's not fully there, right? So you feel, but you don't really feel. Of course, every every every stage in one's life, a person feels differently, but you know, you feel something to feel something's off. There'd be mother son events that Yeshiva would put on, and I wouldn't go and I couldn't go. per P perhaps another mother would offer to take me but it wasn't wasn't wasn't right my mother's not here like a mother son Khan event well you know I don't have a my mother's not here people in the community were very nice to us there's a certain family we're not going to mention their name but they they they they what I remember they they paid for us to go out to dinner every Sunday night wow brought kabas not an organization just family family that that felt you didn't need. And so before I jumped after my mitzvah, you didn't after my my my mitzvah years. I remember when I was in I was in school, you know, elementary school, I think seventh, eighth grade, and I was once playing. So now So now is actually a great segue. So what what what distracted me from my pain, from my confusion, you know, I'm seeing therapists. I'm seeing a lot of what's there for me? What I need I need something to grab on to? Even this whole concept of off the derek is not really, you know, kids kids 12 years old. Doesn't really start 12 years old. So he hasn't. So Hashem gave me a tremendous co of playing basketball. You see for the next hour we're going to discuss basketball. Basketball was a tremendous part of my life. How did you figure it out? From the time I was three I've been playing basketball. Uhhuh. My father bought a little uh Nerf hoop. It's called a you know plastic thing for the kids. Yeah. And we're playing basketball. Nerf hoop. That's a new word. Nerf. Nerf. You know it's like a Nerf. Whatever it's called. Nerf. It's a little fish Fisher Price. You know, you can look it up. Yeah. And we just started playing basketball cuz my father, he'd play basketball growing up. I was tall developing my athletic abilities and I said, "Okay, I like this game basketball." My father grew up, you know, he would show us highlights, you know, videos of players watching. And it's an important point to discuss for a moment when there's pain in life. So, we live in a generation, obviously, we'll get to this, you know, where people, you know, they escape to social media or substance abuse or god forbid things that are worse than that. person has to look to to put to put the pain somewhere. Yeah. Like an outlet. An outlet. So basketball was my outlet. So one day I'm playing basketball and I'm playing, you know, kids are playing and I say and I'm a good kid. I'm a good basketball player. That's what I'm I'm a great basketball player already at the stage. Seventh grade I'm playing basketball and I'm playing with a kid and I I you know I was getting a very aggressive angry not really knowing where it's coming from and I don't know how to place it, how to channel it. So I'm playing basketball and I tell the kid, you know, I probably missed a shot. Missed a shot. I said I'm going to kill you. just I I was probably upset at the kid. Maybe he pushed me or something. I'm gonna kill you. So by us that's like a normal thing you say. You tell the guy I'm gonna kill you. You know it's a normal thing. I'll kill you. Like as like his friends. He took it seriously. Oh wow. He thought I was going to kill him. Oh wow. So he went to the man and he said look proctor says he's going to kill me. Oh my gosh. He's going to kill me. Now the man took me into his office sat me down. The manal was uh you should live and be well. And to those viewers who know of uh or like basketball into basketball, who know there was something called Malice at the Palace. You can look it up. Malice at the Palace, which was when the two basketball teams were playing against each other. This was I think the early 2000s where the players got so heated that the game went into the stands and they started, you know, and fans started throwing beers and food at the players and they started punching it. It was much a crazy brawl. And so this manal showed me a clip of this brawl of this fight. Wow. Oh, probably to calm me down, to give me a little a little smile and say it's okay. But probably trying to, you know, to to get that point inside me, you know, that I'm feeling aggression. I'm feeling it's like you have a place for it. Like it's real. It's okay. I understand it. I feel you. Right. Today I get today everything is you feel me, bro? You feel me? Feel you feel me? Just when I was in fifth grade, fifth grade. So my mother was sick still sick at the time. I was very good at basketball. I told myself, I said, "I'm done playing with fifth graders. Only playing with eighth graders. Better competition." Wow. I'm not such a good basketball player, you know, sixth, seventh, eighth grade. And again, trying to make the best of a life, you know, that's to that, you know, without a mother. To my father's credit, my father has given gives and will continue to give until his very last breath. May he live and be well, his entire self to his three children. I can do I can sit here with an entire podcast just on the goal of my father which is why I invited him down here today to to to be here with us. Wow. He gave his entire self for the family. And so we felt that. So we had we had that stability. We had a father who played to the best of his ability two roles. Father role, mother role with unconditional love. Unconditional love. Oh, Rabbi Yakob just remind me how by my bar mitzvah and I'm already starting to, you know, be wishy-washy with this Yiddish guy kind of thing because again, my mother's not here. Don't have her anymore. and you know my father's doing the best that he can and so wanted to say uh to say and and he reminded me how I told him I said you know rabbi you can speak but speak about sports that's what you told I told I said you can speak I'll let you I'll let you speak you have to have speak about sports who was a family friend was there and he was laughing and laughing and but I was just I was just a real already at that age I had something very deep in my heart that needed to be channeled, that needed to be let out, yet of course didn't know how to let it out. Didn't know how to bring it out into LaMisa. So now it's time again, I'm leaving 8th grade. Where do you send a kid who's going through I don't know if the word is trauma, but going through such a life experience that it's not a normal thing for to go through at such a young age, at least who has so much anger, who doesn't know what to do with himself, who loves basketball. So again, we grew up normal yeshivish light my can't really send a kid to a normal myy you know white shirt black hat not down for this stuff where do you put a kid who doesn't believe in God what age do you say to yourself I don't believe anymore again it's it's not an active it's not it's not a real no I don't believe in God it's just it's just I don't care it blends into you it blends in it blends in and it's and it's I don't care it's not a topic for you not a topic again and and if it is a topic It's like this. It's like a It's a double whammy. It's not a topic for me. I don't care. And if I should care and you tell me there is a God, I'm upset at him. He took away my mother. So I want nothing to do with him. Wow. So that happens to a lot of kids. a lot of kids that well today again I don't want to get too sidetracked but the whole Indian of of off the der or on their dak is 30 years ago and my father can be may to this when people were becoming bala or they went off to come back it was a real they were care or they tried to understand and then and I don't believe anymore it was a decision a decision w with logic with brain power with intellect with I don't believe today. It's gone. Gone. Emotions only. Everything is emotions. Everything is a is is a 3-second video clip, a Tik Tok this, a swipe here, a swipe there, a quick snap, a quick there's it's it's all the heart. I say we say all the time and we say you have to know and then return that knowledge, bring it down to your heart. Right? But I tell the kids, you know, now we'll get into the place where my father went and you'll see soon that I went to assh in the old city in I I tell the guys it's it's almost has to be today. There has to be you have to get to the kid's heart. Get to the kid's heart. And now and now he sees you feel me, bro. You feel me? Right? Do you feel you know what I'm going through? Now, now his brain is is willing to be to ponder that there's a higher power, a higher existence. Wow. Okay, we'll get into that. Fine. So, now now, now, now it's time. So, again, what do you do with a kid who doesn't believe in God? Not wearing white shirt, not wearing a black hat. Not down for this. So, the whole Indian of modern orthodoxy again putting all preconceived notions that you may have aside. We ain't no pre we didn't know what it was. So Rabbi Horowitz the of of our yeshiva whenever there was a new yeshiva put on the table for kids to to to you know potentially one of his students to go into our manal which would go speak to the rashiva to feel out get it to get it get a touch that's how much he cares about each uh we don't have that in our programs the rasha technically has nothing to do with the book if he doesn't do any trouble there's no reason for He has too many is like a I'm sorry to say that's it's it's not it is yeah straight up let's be real yeah it's it's part of the thing it's it's it's not it's not planning to change even it's not personal nothing which is why what people say today is even if you have a you very important to have an to have a someone who's who's tangible you can reach personal who can you know get you you know Fine. So, Rabbi Harowitz again there was a person so modern orthodoxy in my especially 30 years you know 10 15 years it wasn't a Zach nobody really knew about it so there was a student from our went to yeshiva that was and who was looking into moder. So he checked out he was looking into a few schools. One school he was checking into was TABC which stands for Torah Academy of Bergen County. Okay. in Tene New Jersey. So Harwitz went to meet the rashiva. Wow. Now listen to this. Rabbah always says like this whenever he meets a new rash he has a list of questions he asks him to feel him out. See what see what she is about. One question he always asks the is what do you do if doesn't want to that's what he asked that that's what he that's one of his questions he always asks the rasha of the new yeshiva now he said like most say heist he doesn't want to speak to god no not ana and everything's and in his brain is thinking, "Uhuh, this guy doesn't get it right. He doesn't understand." He went to Rabbi Adler, Rabbi Ysef Adler, who was the Rashiva of TBC at the time, and he said, "Rabbi Adler," he sat down with him. Again, this was a year or two prior to I was looking into because the kid was looking into it. He said, "What do you do if a kid doesn't want a Dovan?" You know what he answered? What did he answer? Why would he want a din? Wow. Why would he want a diamond? He has everything already about it. Yeah, he has the kid has everything already. He has his vacations. He has his technology. He has his sports. He has his luxury car, luxury house. Why would he want a Dobin? Harwoods stood up, went around the table and gave him a hug. He said, "This guy gets it." That why would a kid want a davin? Now, we knew that orz told that to my father and we looked into this yeshiva TABC and we got accepted to TABC. Wow. How far is it from your house? T say about is in Tene about 30 minutes. 30 35 minutes depending on uh if I'm driving or my father's driving the kids uh we used to a big difference. A big difference. No, not a big difference. A few minutes, seven minute difference. My brother, you know, it's uh that was a running joke. Avi my yeah Avi you know we'll speak at Avi later but you know to my father's credit he's very you know he's what you know he grew up he grew up secular but but you know a yucky in in in in all in all one of the straightest people I know straightest a good friend of mine we just drove from Monty you know to Brooklyn and yeah I I doubt he went over 66 once you know so we got accepted to ABC culture shock yet we needed it it was a life culture shock because we weren't used to it. It was too modern for you. No, it wasn't too mo again at that point I was already sliding off. It was a positive culture shock and we needed it and it was a lifesaver. You should live and be well. It was his first year if I remember correctly in ABC and he came with this mindset and this vibe that I'm going to give you unconditional love. I'm going to be his project and he's going to be there for me. Why did I choose this high school? Well, Rabbi Honik, the Honik family, his mother also worked in the admissions department. And as well, they had a real basketball team. What's my real basketball team? So, you guys, you see me today, the longer eco and the long beard, right? Maybe we'll flash over here on the picture, you know, some screens, the picture of a my beard was not like this coming into high school. My beard right here was up here and it was going like this. I remember. You remember? I remember. It was nice. I was a handsome kid. I remember this. I remember seeing you I was a handsome kid at 7-Eleven parking lot. You and Avi with this beard over here. I don't know what what is the official name. It's a chup. It's a it's a nice hairstyle. It was nice in in Hebrew they call it kotim. Kotim thorns. Yeah. What do they call it here? A chup. That's it. No, it was standing. It was like was gel. Yeah. No, it was gel. It was nice. You keep saying it was nice. It's funny to me to hear. No, it was nice. And then you had this mug and do it necklace. Oh, yeah. And I was already holding it as soon then if I was holding you already. But I think you still didn't have the keepa. Oh, really? And you were telling me talking to me about book and you were giving it to me. This this beautiful 12 must have been 12th grade. So and I'm looking at you. I look like this and you're telling me about Amuna. I was so embarrassed. Bet. I don't think I was ready then. And you gave it to me with such passion. You even had the the ribbons already. What the You'll tell me about it. Yeah. Yeah. The wristbands. Wow. Was so so Yeah. So that beard was up. Yeah. So So okay. So that was that that's 12th grade. But ninth So ninth grade I come to TABC and again modern Orthodoxy those who don't know is is is they try to have a balance like half day and half day and then you have extracurricular activities. We have basketball and people want to if they want to wrestle, if they want to do science clubs and robotic clubs. So, of course, I'm on the basketball team. We had tryyous first night or one of the first nights of school and again ninth grader making the team with older kids is Wow. And I wanted to play is none of this playing basketball. You know, whenever if I see a kid playing basketball with like black pants and a white shirt, it's not going to work. He's not really into it. He has to save it. But he has no choice. But I who had a choice who was was developing my own path and it's I'm playing I'm playing real the short shorts and the jerseys and you know the nice sneakers and the custommade sneakers and the whole So we come to TBC and I remember we at triyouts the first night and we come out. I come out of the the gym and the coach says to me he says again my name is Mosha. I used to go by Mo. Mo it's cooler Mo. He said, "Mo, congratulations. You made the team. But if I say jump, your one response is how high, coach. How high?" Okay? Meaning, you you better be locked in. You want to play and you want playing time. You want to be a you want to be a player on this team, not just someone sitting, right? Those who don't know, there's a team. You have five players that could represent your team on the court at every moment. Each team has a combination has like nine, 10, 11, 12 players. You have to have substitutes, bench players, people that you're on the team in case of injuries. So each you have a choice. You can either be a great a better player and you can play or you can be a player and sit on the bench. I'm not sitting on the bench. I'm I'm a play. I play. I play. So I'm a cabo. He says jump. How I'm on the team. Now those TABC is in Tene, New Jersey. Those who have been to Tene, it's situated around a lot of restaurants. many restaurants, delicious restaurants. Douggee and Sammy's Bagels and Pizza Places and this and that. And TBC, they don't even offer a lunch program really. So, you have to go out. You have to go out. You go out. Despite being the cool kid and developing my own path, I never, and this is important to emphasize for those of the viewers, I never got involved in smoking, drinking, or drugs. How come? To my father's credit, my father gave us unconditional love and he said, "Mo mush, I understand you're going through what you're going through spiritually, but I want you to be a good kid. Stay away from drinking, smoking, drugs." And you know what? And of course, we'll speak about this throughout the podcast, but it was it was and and I give all the credit, of course, to Hashem. And yes, my father till this day, he gives the credit to Hashem, to my mother's us that she daved D for us. But my father gave us unconditional love. Hugs and kisses. Just hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses. Excuse me. So much so that just fast forward, you know, now, you know, I've been married for for for a couple years now. I'm a young kid. I'm 26, but you know, been there for a few years now. one what you know on the whatever the bash show whatever when I the time when I went out with my rebbitson with my wife I wanted to make it more interesting you know get into again because again I come from a more you know modern background more this but as you see now I became a little more high so I wanted to figure you know I wanted I wanted to I wanted the date the the the meaning to have substance so I know there was a game there's a game called the dating game if you've seen the so it's like a go version they made a yisha version with questions questions simple medium hard level questions to get to know the spouse, the person you're going out with to see, you know, simple question is, do you like water or soda? Okay. Or, you know, out of Shabas, you only have time to do one. Clean the floors or take a shower. Which one do you do? Uhhuh. To get to feel them out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I you know, I went out with my wife in in I was there as a and I couldn't I I wanted to find this game. I wanted to play the game with her. I couldn't find the game. So, I said, I'm going to make the questions. Make my own questions. I sat down just wrote down 100 questions. Oh, wow. The reason I'm saying this now is because one of the questions was hugs and kisses for the children not needed. Nice thing, but can go without or it's a must. You wanted her to say I must. I not Well, for sure, but but I'm tell if she didn't say it's a must, I'm not sure we'd be married today. And I've told her that. Wow. That's so ingrained in my DNA that a father and a mother hugs and kisses and loves their children. Of course, every parent loves their child. But but that that just phys again, you know, there's five love languages, five languages of love. My father just gave us this unconditional love, hugs and kisses. She passed the test. She passed the test. Wow. Buddha. Amazing. Yeah. It's a good lesson for some parents that think that the kids can go without it. No, kids need it. Especially in today's door. Especially and I think everyone knows that today. But it's a knowing is not enough. There was the famous story with the Balatania. He said he's building a bridge. Oh, you don't know about this? Tell I think so, but tell me. I think this is the way it goes. If not, they'll fix me in the comments. It says uh I think he was in prison and uh he said I'm a bridge builder. He he asked him, "What are you doing now?" Like uh what are you busy with? You're sitting all day in a room. the Warren, what do you call that? Warden. The warden um asked him, "What are you doing now?" So he said, "I'm building a bridge." You're building a bridge. You're sitting. He says, "I'm busy building a bridge from here to here." And they say it's the farthest distance, you know, it's like Yeah. Yeah. It's the farthest distance, right? He has to go around the world and come back. That's right. So we have a journey of going around the world and coming back. You're telling yours. Everybody has one. That's right. Everybody has a journey. So my hope is the viewers will be able to find you know a piece of themselves throughout this journey as I'm finding myself and I'm in high school get ninth tth grade and and you know having a good time into ball receiving a lot of unconditional love from my father which kept which kept me grounded and station right you asked me about drugs drinking smoking drugs nothing nothing which which is which is which for some people in the belt is if a guy gets involved in that stuff he's already you know and and more and that he's already got in the mandes belt especially today it's it's a normal it's a normal thing wow kids getting drinking especially on chab even on chop nothing nothing other kids in your class yeah partying so you didn't feel like an outsider no because why because because I was such a good basketball player do this if if a great rashba if he walks into a room he could care less what's going a little what's going because he knows Editz. He's the guy. He's the man. I When I walked in, I like to joke. When I was when I was in high school, when I walked through the through the the halls in high school, the sea split. Really? Yeah. Really? I was the man. 4 seconds to go. Proctor. 3 2 1. It's gone. He ties the game. Are you kidding me? Overtime. He throws up a prayer and it's answered. Wow. Yeah. You don't miss it? I still am the man. I love this. All the self-confidence I don't have, this guy has right here. I I really say this. I really say this. And again, don't take this the wrong way, any viewer, but I was to go off. I was I was And I've had people in the past tell me, "Do you have been?" And you'll see throughout, you know, we'll get to it later on in these, but but in the podcast, but I was to go off. I was when I say off again because if you don't believe in God why why are you doing everything so again at this point watch the end of the podcast feel it out hear it out but I was not going to go off in terms of I don't care I don't believe in God he took he takes away my mother you know again I told you this if there's I don't believe if there's a god he took away my mother I took some my mitzvah I'm not ashamed I took my bar mitzvah money and I spent a lot of money and I bought a 70in flat screen TV and I had it mounted on the wall in my room. I was because I was watching if I'm not playing ball I'm watching ball I'm watching sports. Wow. watching sports 9th 10th grade people would would today some kids would think that this is it'd be lying to say it's not enjoyable yet we'll see it was enjoyable but but it was very very superficial enjoyment that didn't bring to any longlasting feelings of closeness or or or satisfaction growth satisfaction to anything January 15th 2015 I'm sitting in my grandmother's jacuzzi in Los Angeles and I pull down on my stomach my love handles. It's called your those who know about fitness is called your love handles. Okay. This the you know the part of your stomach you know the you know the part of your stomach that it's rolls. That's right. The the part that shouldn't be there that's there and you're grabbing yourself. And I said to myself I said Mo again again again I'm I'm in Shashem and I was a little bit you know it's a little bit chubby a little bit doughy. And I said you're Mo you're killing yourself. I'm drinking soda and slurpee. I was drinking a lot of soda and slurpee. You're killing yourself. I said it was January 15th, 2015. 10 years ago plus. I said, I'm cutting soda. No more soda. No more slurpie. Done. And at the best of my knowledge, you know, out of 10 years later, I haven't touched soda. Uh, you know, sugar soda. Why this decision? Because I said 10th because ninth grade I was the newbie, the new guy on the team. Said 10th grade, the second year, 16 years old, it's my team. I'm the Spitz. I'm the main player and I I want to I want to be the I want to be a great basketball player. And you can't be killing yourself. You know, you're drinking. You ever pour soda on a car? Coke. You ever pour Coca-Cola on a car? You know what it does? It rusts. Look at the car. It rusts. I would say like this. I said, "My body's a Lamborghini." Wow. My body's a Lambo. I don't I'm not sure. My body's a Lambo. My body's a Lambo. They used to call me Lambo Mo. Lambo Mo. Really? That's right. My body's a Lambo. If you put regular unled fuel or diesel fuel in your Lamborghini, it's not going to run. Wow. Premium unled fuel. So you realize this in the jacuzzi? The amus? No, I wouldn't say so. But the whole just my body's a Lambo. And so and so at that point in ninth grade, I started taking nutrition and health more seriously. Wow. 10th grade. Okay. So now let's fast forward because we have along 10th grade. So I'm the star of the team and I'm playing very well. One day I'm with my father. It's one Sunday and I get a text. We have the Jewish Olympics. It's called the Makabi Games. Makabia. Makabi games in Israel. It's in Israel, but it's also it's called a pan they have a paname which is takes place in North and South America. So that year, I think it was 2015 and we I was selected amongst one of the 10 best Jewish 16-year-olds in America for basketball. Pan-American mccabi games were set to take place 2015 2015 in the country of Chile, Santiago, Chile. Why do they go to Chile? Because every four years, just like the real Olympics, it takes place one year in Greece and then in China and then in, you know, Los Angeles, whoever wins. No. Well, again, the the best players in each and every sport represent their country in the Olympics. Gotcha. So I was selected amongst the Jews amongst Jewish people to represent the Jewish people of the United States of America. Wow. In Santiago, Chile in Chile. Kids said we went down there, won a gold medal. My the whole family went with you. No, just my father. My father credit came. He wanted to be part of the experience. He came. That experience really summed up my high school. Really just summed up my my whole years over there because of just a father who raised money to come down. Rabbiat to raise money as well. He raised money I think you know to come down to be there with his son to experience this moment of playing in the Jewish Olympics. Wow. And you know of just this unconditional love from my father. So that was incredibly special. You know even though my father filmed all the videos he filmed the filmed the games on his flight back to United States. Somebody swiped somebody stole the memory chip of the credit card. So we don't have the games. Wow. Perhaps if you you you know the gun of the thief if you're watching this please return it. Wow. Can you reach out to Ari Kimitz and uh please? Yeah. But uh so so we don't have the actual clips but my father came and he took he had a tripod and he filmed uh he filmed all the games. A great experience. We down there for I think a week or something. So first we went to Miami to train as a team together because it's players from all around the country and then went to Chile to play Santiago Chile. Want to go medal. Okay. So now again that's 11th grade. You still have the gold medal. N 10th 11. Send me a picture of it. Bleed bleed ninth 10th 11th grade balling great 11th grade really again ball and again at this point again people are thinking about college I'm think okay babe I'm I'm good and I have private trainers playing in different besides my TEBC league I'm playing you know in other other forms and I'm I'm really training a lot and getting you know watching nutrition I'm weighing out my chicken counting calories of other wow go big or go home my body's a Lambo Ari told you. Wow. I told you my body's a Lambo. I still don't expect you to talk like this. This is My body's a Lambo. Oh my god. My body's a Lambo. Okay. My body's a Lambo. So So you'll see a story. I'll tell you a story about a Lambo about what? So 11th grade again, basketball team. Now, now it's time for 11th grade. This summer between 11th and 12th grade, my brother and I and a few of us ever, we were going to go to a a basketball camp. a basketball camp that's a quasi modern Orthodox and it's a very intense basketball camp. How much better can you get? Like you keep say always always like train all day. That is crazy. The same way a person can always get better in Yeah, but I can't see a game getting even better. Even better, even better. You know why? Because you haven't played the game. That's true. But a baller knows. Wow. Basketball player, you know, it's all about the shot. I'll tell you when we get we get when we get to your father. But uh so get to the Arouch book at some point. Yeah. Okay. We're about to get there. That's 12th grade. We're almost there. So So now So we go to this basketball game at the end of 11th grade and it's a very intense experience. It's the first first time in my life I'm really forced to play basketball and I'm not enjoying it. Oh, wasn't enjoying it. It was very It was almost traumatic. How come? He was just it was it was just a different vi I can't even explain it was just very forceful too demanding too demanding it wasn't wasn't look I I played basketball was because I enjoyed it right because I'm great at it because I love it and what happened and he's now he's forcing us to play it was it was an int like a boot camp it was a basketball boot camp wow and I wasn't down for it I'm I'm not enjoying it so I took a pen and I wrote on my hand do more of what makes you happy how did you come up with this how' I come up with writing in my and a quote the quote I probably heard it somebody I probably heard it somewhere probably heard it somewhere always looking for for quotes even back then do more of what makes you happy basketball's not making me happy I said I'm I'm leaving the gymnasium I'm leaving I'm leaving it for a little bit I'm going to the gym to start lifting weights after winning a gold medal everything I said I said this is it's too much and just to fast forward a second I think you know I confirmed with my father on the way up here that I broke my ankle playing basketball in 11th grade. So I so it was it was it was Shvas time 11th grade before the summer. So I said to myself, I have two choices. Either I can let myself get fat and out of shape or I'm going start taking nutrition seriously and get in the best shape of my life. I took the second the second the second path and I got in very good shape. again. So I started looking into nutrition and thing but but what what it was it was a bro in disguise that it opened up a pesak for me an opening but there's more to life than basketball that's it mean it could be could be the t of could be the goal of life is to lift weights but but there's something perhaps besides basketball in life just to ponder just to appreciate that so much so I come back to high school 12th grade I almost don't want to play in the basketball team anymore I love basketball but but I had such a bad experience which we actually left the camp early on visiting day my father took was home because we weren't enjoying it. But I almost I almost didn't want to play senior year, but they said 12th grade, Mo, you're the best. You're the best player. You got to play kids. So, I played one practice. It was a It was a night, you know, before games you have practice. I have a practice and we're playing and we're running plays. Those who know basketball, you work on plays. Where do you run? Where do you stand? And I mess up the play. In practice, a normal thing you mess up. Our coach, his name is Coach Oz. I messed up a play and I was upset at myself. He said, "Mo, don't worry, bro. I got you. You do me up." He said, "We're good." And I said, "Wow." You know what hit me right there? I made my first calvimemer, my first cohicane. I didn't know what I was doing at the time, but I said, I said, "Wow, if this flesh and blood is a person, right?" He said, "He has me. He's got my back. I don't have to worry." I said, "Us teenagers, what are we worried about?" again acne tests girls sport said how much more so the creator of the world has my back he's there for me I wouldn't say Hashem Hashem is to or the I would say the source the source of all which of course we know is the of the is the foundational point of everything but I didn't know at the time but I said how much more so he has me he's got my back and so we you know we wear in the in my Orthodox circles, you know, we used to wear wristbands and it created wristbands that said GGM, which stood for God's got me. He's got me. Like you say, your friend, I got you, bro. I got you. God has me. I remember you giving me one of those. Did you wear it? Yes. Where is it? Well, I'm too hassidish to wear it all the time. Excuses. You're You're not wearing it. But But one second. How do you after being upset at God so many years now going to this? Great question. So, so I mentioned Rabbi Horn in the beginning, Rabig and other influential people that were close to our family. They gave me different books called it but but you know I read Garden of Amuna Marouch Living Amuna. Why do you want to read? Because look because because again I told you I was in high school. I'm balling out having a great time. But I said, but again, but especially with that took place at the end of high school, at the end of 11th grade, I said, "Basketball's fun, but there has to be more to life." What's more to life than ball? Don't know. But it can't be ball. Basketball's fun. Can't be the goal of life, though. So, when is the first time you So, watch. So, I'm in So, I'm in high school and again, we're just all family over here, you know, like we Ari and I do the MDY together. Shout out to Abelli. Yes. No. uh join makers today. Actually, what's going to come out after Makistan? Whatever. So, people gave me different books, these amuna books and and I want more. I want more. I want I used to wake up on Sunday mornings. I'm not wearing filling. I'm not deting. There was a person on TV, a preacher, non different religion, preaching about how much God loves you. And it helped me to Yiddish. Wow. That I needed somebody to tell me that that that God loves me. And that's what I found in these books that Hashem loves me. Ah, why did he take away my mother when she was 40? I was 10. Why? I don't know. But that's why he's infinite. And thank God the creator of the world's IQ level is higher than Mosha and Proctors. You know why? Cuz Ari, because if God's IQ level is limited to my IQ, we're in trouble. We are. We're in trouble. He's above me. He's there for me. He loves me. He cares about me. So, I created these wristbands. GGM. God's got me. We made it in all the different yeshivist colors, all the team colors. We sold and we we sold the money. We donated the money to Gman. Wow. How did you find out about him? Uh, one of the in TABC. He was uh he he was very makisha to to him over there. I'm still having trouble understanding how do you go from being upset at God to reading books about him. It's a whole 9 10th 11 12th was this whole journey. It's a journey that I I wasn't happy. If you ask a kid who's off the derek if he's happy if you really if you feel if you get into his heart he'll tell you no. But you were the guy the the the whole way split. I was still am and the guy. It's not enough. But but that's uh it does. It's outside. It's it's not in your It's not It's not in your kishkas. Internally, you're still empty. Internally empty and lost. Mhm. Lost. And why would you consider reading the book in the first place? Because because I'm because I'm a real person. I'm real. So you want the same That's right. In the same way I'm open to to viewing a you know a TV channel to get really from a higher power I'm open to reading something. See that's what I'm looking because there's a lot of that are sitting there and are upset at God maybe for losing their mom or for other things. There's several ideas la and that first step of opening that first book and so I'll I'll tell that I'll tell that can I look at the camera? Sure. Do your thing. Wherever you find yourself, whatever you're going through, recognize God is there for you. Hashem loves you, cares about you. So you don't understand and you have many questions. We all have questions, right? The lady famous we're heading to P now and he said he said four questions. I have a million questions. You know what? There's only one answer that he created me and he loves me and he cares about you. He loves you. And whether your father tells you he loves you or not, know that your father in heaven loves you. And whatever you're going through is for a specific purpose and reason for you. Which is why somebody once said we say the right tomorrow is gami gam toba. At one say what's gami toba? Just say zil to say this is for good. Why gum? What's gam? Gam means also this pain. Also this pain that you're experiencing right now. It's pain. It's not positive. I feel it's pain to it's for good. Wow. It's for your positive. It's for your benefit. So I was and I was and I I was open to this and and Rabbi Hene again to his credit he said to me like I was angry in high school. I missed a shot. I let out four-letter words and they weren't thank you Hashem. You know think Hashem is only whatever. And he said you know and he four-letter words and he said to me he said Mo if you don't work in your if you don't work on your anger now your marriage is going to be terrible. That's what Rabbi Honik said irrespective of Yiddishkite becoming a mench becoming a ye becoming a person. Wow. And before before I jump out of high school now another experience again I'm I'm a cool kid. Mo Proctor listening you know big spiked up hair listening to non-Jewish music not even the Jewish music today that's quasi not the mom is the worst of the worst. And uh Rabbi Hornik one day in school in class they have we have a smartboard right to those who know a smart a smartboard is like it's like a whiteboard you know but it's it's electric you know today the has that it's like a project you can play videos and things on it so he plays a song from Jakobi I know that and I'm in the back of the classroom cool guy tough guy and I start crying I cry first time in how that I'm crying or listening to music crying that I don't know but based on your story probably from the LA the last time since LA could be no but I'll tell you I'll tell you but I was a tough kid but I but but I was but but I was a timistic kid. Mhm. Then my father would tuck me in bed every night if I you know watch videos of of military people coming home to after to see their children after years. I I ball I cry I I had a soft heart. What happened by this niggan? So I go to my reb I go to reborn after said why did I cry? I'm listening to go music. Why am I crying by this? I know but he said that's your soul crying now. That's your that's your soul. You have that soul. It's in you. you can run away from it, but it but but it's there and it's it's it's a yearning for for something deeper and more. So, I took that with me and and I I just I went past it. I ignored it. But now it's like this now. So, now it's the 12th grade. I get this GGM and I'm putting out these bracelets and I'm getting inspired and kids, you know, in the Shabbat before they go to college, they go to Gapier. It's called Gapier. Where do you go to Gap Gapier? So there's like you know just like you know kids go to the or this brisk certain places mon orthodox kids have like call it 20 or so gap year places which are monthodox kids and they and they feed into yeshiva university or other you know secular colleges and so after a little pushing from some of the rabbim in in TBC was decided I'm going to go to ash just like my father went to a is not just for bali shiva they have they have a program for modern Orthodox kids. At the end of the day, it's the same thing. They're going to teach the same thing. Yeah, but it's but but it's a different vibe. You got to do it because it's very different actually. Why? Because Shiva doesn't even know Mi and you know that that that's but that's more that's more superficial. The reality is about Shiva, someone who really wants to become a Biva is coming in open recognizing he knows nothing and he wants to learn. The madna who's coming in is coming to chill. Angry. Have a good time. Not so angry. Apathetic. Lack of caring. He doesn't care. He's coming to chill, have a good time, have a good time this year, have a time away from his parents. The drinking age is 18 in Israel, you know, and then go go on with life in college, you know, make his money. So I So I so I it was decided I'm going to go to Gash. I'm coming to As is their program called is called As Gasher. Who is in charge of this program? Shout out to Rabbi David Rossman. Rabbi Rosman, Rabbi Rossman is phenomenal person. I owe a lot of my my to him. But now, but now's when now's when the fun start. So I come I come to Israel and I come I'm coming already inspired. These a lot of that come over the first month, two, three, not only they're not inspired, they barely show up. They're in they're in the streets in Yafu and they go to Tel Aviv and different, you know, because they just want to explore. They want to run. The third day after landing from the United States, I remember they asked they asked the kids to speak, asked the students to speak. I got up before Ma one day and they said those who know right across from the hotel from the and I said, "Y'all got to be serious. You want to build a bush across the street? Got to lock in now. Don't waste your year." You know, like a three minute hype up speech and looking at me that this kid fell from Mars. This brother fell from Mars. How many kids are in this program? At the time it was like 50 60 guys. Wow. And now it's now it's much bigger. And you don't know mo most of them. I I They were new kids. I was just meeting them. But again, I'm the man. I like speaking, right? I was the captain, the head of my basketball team. Wow. Before the games, I would hype everybody up. Wow. My my my father would would have us public speak, you know, public speaking training when we were young. Really? He'd take us up to the Beimma in a shield when it was empty. I'm going to have to speak. Really? That's right. And it's Wow. It helped a lot. I should take my kids to me. That's why you got to speak. So my first year I get I get to Asia and they offer different subjects in class again. All all but it's missing. I'm not into this stuff rightfully so because I'm just learning about God. I'm just going to make now. So there was one who gave the Tanya at that time. I didn't know. So I knew the Rebi was Hale. The Rebi, this Reb's name was really shout out to Moshid. So he gave in Kabir is like a small a group. Yeah, a group. How many? 10 10 or so guys. Okay. And he gave it it was a short 30 minutes, an hour, but it was but it was it was the first time that that I'm really hearing and learning that there's a God who loves me and I have I have a piece of I am a piece of God. Wow. And Hashem wants to be in a relationship with me and that's and this leads you know because I get you know people when they come to yeshiva they have to go to different experience they go different different seedas for shabas right so my father's thanks someone you know pretty well he was uh check out what a episode one yes of's father so you know the famous story how your father got hooked to my father from when he met him that first question he asked older in a question what's the biggest need what's yeah what's the most important year so everybody gave him what's the most important thing everybody gave him a whole my father said a listening ear a listening ear and that was the click and this is your father pulling up with the he pulled up with the big fur hat and the the tall white socks and he's like I've seen a lot of things before I never seen this in my life you know and so so so right so you started going shopping to my father my mother to your family. You you weren't there at the time. I was I was here already, but everyone but other most of your family was still there. Yeah. And and so I used to write I used to go to bells for for for the a even back in the day. You you still looking like a I sat in the shield. They knew where I would sit. You didn't look like this. No, I had a nice uh probably a nice jacket probably at the time. I had a nice blazer. You had a nice ch. Wow. And you're walking. No. I'll tell you. So my first day I get to As and I had my American hair dryer. Of course I brought a haird dryer. Got to look good. And before that actually quick 12th grade even when I started getting stronger in Yiddish kite. I only put on my shell yad not my shell ro really like chilling on my arm not my head. Why? Try again. Oh because the I don't want to. That's right. I don't want to mess up the hair. So the decision to put on the decision to put on thrillin was done. Okay. I want to be close to God, but hey, don't overdo it. Yeah. I never saw that before. Wow. How long? How long? Probably went on for a few weeks. I mean, because first in the beginning, first the first year of high school, I didn't even go to I didn't go to Ding. I went to the gym to play ball. Then they said I have to play ball. I'm going to have to go to I have to go to Dining. When do you decide that? Why? No, they said I have to. Oh, if if not they're going to take me off the team or you know. So once you start threatening basketball uh that's something don't touch my basketball and there you put on ready shellad. So then 12th kid I put on shellad after maybe I put on but mostly shad also you know can can the camera get a shot? I want I want to can I stand up camera? Sure. Um he's not going to see you when you stand up. He can pick up the camera. Whatever. It's okay. But I I stood there. So I so I I wasn't interested in domining for especi you know a lot of until like the middle of 12th grade. So I stood by the window wearing my shell yad and I did calf raises. There was no c I just lift up my to strengthen the calf muscle which you stand on your and it helps with the jump to jump higher because when you're a basketball player right we'll show a clip or two of you know of the dunking of you know playing ball. So it helps the jump. I was able to touch my peak 11 ft. Wow. I'm 6' three. How that means to be able to touch 11 ft jump and I'll fly running towards the jump. That's right. You'll see. Okay. 11 ft. That's a lot. That that that was my tip. Able to touch and you know the the rim the hoop is 10 ft tall. So I get, you know, my elbow with the ball above the rim and be able to throw it down. That's it. Very impressive. Wow. Not too many Jewish people can do that. So your title is the best Jewish basketball. No. So now the kidic basketball. Oh, so now my t my title is if you look, you know there's different title the kidic Jordan. Okay. Or the kid Cooper. Okay. Different clips. We can show different things. Wow. But um so no, so I get to Asia. I put I plug in my hair dryer that I used and like almost like electrocuted the socket. Like it almost shocked the socket. It shot it. So I took it as a sign from God. Relax on your hair dryer really. And from so I started I got a little haircut a little bit. Still had a nice ch but you know more within balance. So my first year I start getting into this into Tanya and I'm going to bells for Shabusim by your father just seeing this experience and and wow. Wow. Now remember, I'm a kid who has a lot of at that time, it's not so much aggression anymore, but it's passion. All that passion that I put into basketball and health, right? When I was in that camp for a few weeks before my father took us out, I remember a kid came over to me and said, "Mo, you want a sour stick?" Right? Which kid doesn't want a sour stick? He said, "Yeah." Took the sour stick and I chucked it. Get that garbage out of here. My body's a Lamborghini. Wow. I don't put that garbage in my body. So, I have all this passion and I said, "Let me just apply it to Judaism to Yiddish. Let me learn more about it." It's a BM. By the way, the Bashm says that the same fire that you have for Tyus, that exact same fire, it's not that's you should choke it. Don't choke it. Take that fire, put it into Yiddish and Dining and learning. So that's that's a very clever decision. So so I took this but so my first year I was getting into this but not really into and it's just weird stuff and you know Hashem loves me he cares about me re really the foundational points and if you ask me honestly now I think I did it correctly. What was in yesterday's yes Hashem wants your heart. God wants your heart. Yeah. So I get to high school and there was I remember the the Bel was making a So I went to the I think it was also Shabas was it was no I went to the fiel you know the shabas before the was the was one of the nights of the week and it was such an experience. I see 20 or 20, you know, was at the time when they made it in the in the 10,000 whatever 10,000, you know, people with these fur hats and these tall socks and just, you know, the long coats and they're jumping up and down. And I remember I got a text from one from one of the he said, "Uh, going to is not a to night." Really? That's what he texted me. So, so, so I smiled to myself and I said this, he doesn't know what's going he doesn't know anything about he was missing out. So towards the end of this first year, I mean I'm I'm slow into breast of kazak and this learning about my and different things like this and I wanted to go to Oman forash. Okay, beginning of So I decided, okay, I'm going to come I'm going to stay a second year, right? I'm not going to go back to college yet because I want to stay a second year in Israel. I I have to figure I'm figuring myself out. How can I leave now? You felt there's still more to do. Yeah, I have to figure myself out. What do you look like at that point? You'll put a picture. You'll put a picture. Okay, very good. And and you didn't go to Oman. Oh, so the let make a long story. The Manal calls me in the summer. It was actually a pivotal conversation because he said to me, whatever he explained to me, I don't want you go to Oman. And I'll tell you this, he said, I'll never forget this. He said to me, he said, and he said, Rabbi Rossman, shout out to Rabbi Rossman. He said to me like this. He said, I it was the first time in a while in our where I really heard these words so clearly. He said, I believe in your ability to become big in Toryra more than you believe in yourself. I've heard that all the time in basketball. you're going to be a great player or I believe in you this I believe in your ability in to become a now now he said I don't I don't want you going out so much at night all these this is again he meant well and he and he's a we're very close to he's my boss till this day you know we're close but I said to him I said I'll never forget this I said you should be happy I'm going to places and not going out to Yafo by night right and he paused we're on the phone and he said I can't believe you just said that You and Yafo have no sh have no relationship at all. That's like David Rossman and Yafo. We have no relationship. You have no relationship with Yafo. Wow. You're much greater than that. Don't go to um stay with us. He inspired me. Second year now again because I wanted to get into gam and the second year because I wanted to have the balance. My second year I went complete opposite extreme. I went from first year having I shaved off a lot of my hair big pious shash okay to became very misnagish litfish lit not just litish everything was like it was like what we the kids called it the OD was just o litfish odh everything lit you know where shil sh it was a question if I can drink water if shy it was just wow everything was just it was it was extreme and you're not going extreme Well, you're not going to occasionally still going for but you know and I'm not interested in this anymore. But the credit I really got into Gamura and one day this Rabbi Eid was walking by where I was learning and I started crying. I I opened up to him. I said, "I have such a desire to go back to your to your yet I'm worried if I go back, I'm going to drop the gamur and but my needs it needs it." So I slowly slowly but surely go back to and I and I say I have to stay a third year in because I have to balance out. How do you have the brains to think about, okay, I need to balance this out? I I had I had guides. I had your father who was a guide who was my Rebby till this day. He talks a lot about balance. That's that's his that's his word. Wow. And we're called, you know, the goal of life. We get the goal of life is just before, you know, just in case we forget is to build a positive and mutual relationship with the creator of the world. Yeah. I'm sure you've heard that one before, huh? I hear it. Positive daily. Almost daily. Yeah. So I either heard a daily or say a daily or you know it's all about balance we'll get to so I was extreme. So I said I got to stay a third year. I have to balance out again. This is this is almost unheard of. Kids stay one year max two years. They go back to college. They start their lives. My father to his credit who who who who was entirely his entire 248 limbs 365 senus were there for us emotionally, physically, mentally, emotionally and the little bit of finances that he had gave it all to us. And he said, "My son and my son's future with Avi, my brother and my sister. They need this time in yeshiva. I'm going to speak about myself. He needs this time. He's finding himself. Let him stay. Make it happen." And he made it happen. And he has infinite from that. And so I stay. So you're saying third year I'm going to find the balance between and lit. That's right. Be able to find the balance. Be able to, you know, have gimm be, you know, but have as well. So 30 was a was a was a great year in a b finding myself. Now it's time to leave a take the next step. At this point um I'm I'm say 20 21 years old and uh it was said I'm going to go to Moshiva just a mile or two down the road. Now Moshiva it's massive right? 10 2000 thousand people there. You're already firm enough for this from a firm enough. Yeah. Not only am I firm enough, but but but but I'm so strong in wanting the truth that that just all the waves and distractions that could be in such a big place are not going to affect me. Wow. And and just opposite that this big place is going to give me the space to find myself again. I'm going to Yeshiva card, short jacket, bend down, right? I came into a none of that throughout a short jacket, bend down, white shirts, right? again and and because I told you I was so passionate. So even my first year in a wearing you know people wear colored shirts and polo shirts and I wanted to put on a white shirt already. I remember said Rabid said was my rabbi in she said no my church I said yes no slowly there was a sports day playing sports I said I'm not going I want I think it was my first year in first year or second year supposed to play playing sports it was my whole life I'm not going I'm not going I don't want to play I'm going to go to the mirror to learn that day said you're coming to his to his genius he said you have to come play and I went and I played I said okay but if I'm coming I'm wearing a white shirt and I came with a white shirt and I played but but they there's a concept called flipping out. Yeah. Right. So I like now I don't like this. I don't like the word flip out. I say flip in. You got to flip. You got to find yourself. But with kids that are growing that you have to be balanced. Yeah. You grab a little you keep grabbing. So they balanced me. They help me. I was ready for a time to go to Mir. You visited a lot of the a lot of the movements. So at so at the time again I was going a lot to bells because I was coming to the kwinses going guys for for Shabas. Uh at that point at that point no it's really just bells really bells a little bit of you know breast of Marouch in the first year or two. Oh yeah was really it was really it was really just was coming to bells besides the blea wedding. What was your most ah experience that you like a bigish like a wow I want to be part of this by that point by the time I'm getting and I'm going to meet yes Shiva the most inspiring moment was that bel when I'm s look look I'll tell this let me I'll speak it out I'm witnessing 10 1500 yidden jumping up and down who are trying to open up their hearts to use music and connection to God just just Right. Ninom 50b in track says the first story is from the top says Jonah the whale was a simple Jew who was one time and he was bye and he heard the music and he got into a tremendous of and from that he was wow Jonah so I see this experience and I said look I've been to stadium games in my life. Many basketball games, football games, baseball baseball stadiums, and you have you you have thousands of people screaming for what? So, basketball's fun, right? You know, I love basketball. I'm a baller. But what are they screaming for? As soon you're 48 minutes, the basketball game is 48 minutes long. When it's finished, it's over. Did the game have any any effect on the world? No. People bet, they win money, lose money, but is there any any positive effect on the world? No. Any in something bigger than themselves? No, I said you have 10 15,000 people in such a a monster for holiness, for spirituality. Wow. I got to get a part of that. So again, it it was I was far away from it. But but but to have such an experience was was was pivotal in guiding me and helping me, you know, as I head into Mam. So I'm heading to Moshiva and those who know Basis, you have a lot of things happening over there. For better or for worse, you have a lot of things going on there. Aad shout out to the bas. So another another few feet past bakery is pinsky. Okay. Right. Pinsk no. He scream. They scream by diving. They scream and and I and and I start diving over there. Glazer. Shout out. Yeah. Possibly you. We love him. He was almost here but maybe in the future. out the show. So, so, so, wow, this is ding. This is how you ding. This is how you ding. I started experiencing ding over there. I hear But there's somebody called Zilber. What? And I go for, you know, that's that's just Judaism on steroids. Yes. Right. That see itself is is an hour and a half. An hour. That that's that's from Yeah. Crazy. and and this is just complete Judaism and I love it and I'm running into it and and but and and I want this in my life. I'm so far away but I want this. So Hashem Hashem gives me gave me the the the ability and just write things out pros and cons. So frequently throughout this whole journey I would write down pros and cons about me becoming and of course everything went through your father's mybi slowly but surely weighing the pros and cons positive okay I love the the the theing so that's a you know one to 100 that's a 75 for me I love this and the what about what about my children I don't know yiddish I have slowly but surely I I said no this is me I got to go for it. I sat down with of mine stood him in mush and we went through it and slowly but surely I I changed I taught myself went from knowing nothing right to to now my father did the same right shout out to your father it's a lot of uh willpower a lot of willpower and it's not simple and the MS is if I was going through this transition today I don't know if I would do it meaning but I I I wanted this age at this age at this age and at the stage and now it was everything is is when you go through something and when it happens in your life I went through this during corona time so I had more time on my hands so there's a book called the easymezy gatish really you can look on Amazon look type of easymeish a nice like light blue book and all like the kids have it and and I taught myself we need to shoot that book I started through that and I kept going and I remember I remember one day when I was in it was at one of Shabasition I called your father. I was standing on and I said I think I'm ready to take off my tie for Shabas. So now I'm going through this whole process and I and I go and I switch from group in to everything is in Yiddish and I'm trying to speak to but he doesn't know English and I have to force myself to speak exactly what I wanted and that one year I switched das three times because you wanted different I wanted so I started with like normal and this and then I said I need more I went to then I went to wow we went to sleep 9:30 woke up 4:30 everything It's crazy. You went to all the extremes, everything. And I loved it and I want it because because I'm I told you I I have this just I want to be the best. Say I want to be the best on the court. I want to be the best in life, the best in Judaism. Now like now like this every kid that flips out that goes whether a bala and he becomes fim or a modern Orthodox kid who flips out has two ways that view his past. Option one, it's past. I'm running away from it. Forget about it. Forget about it. If only I would have grown grown up in option two is Hashem makes no mistakes. If I went through this to use it to help people, many of us choose the first path. Choose the first path. And for many years as I'm going through this process, that's what I chose. Right? Those who know a few players of my my brother would say, "You remember Kobe Bryant?" Kobe Bryant died in a in a helicopter crash, a plane crash. He actually died on my birthday. Wow. when I was in a so it was it was a big he died January 26th and it was a big like muser for me like while this guy this guy just in parenthes this guy everything tenacious basketball player championships best player money this that endorsement sneakers one second here one second boom gone there's got to be more to life than playing ball and so it was a big it was a big to me I it hit hard and and it was real it was very real so my brother would say you remember like Kobe Bryant my brother Who's shout out Avi Proctor? AI is a phenomenal person. Maybe you know towards the end we'll speak about Avi and his things. Big Sadic. AI also has a podcast. Shout out A's podcast. We'll maybe link in show notes. What is it called? The Bian inepth podcast. It's not it's not Gammor. It's Oh, it's No, no, no. It's getting like getting in depths of the lives of people. Wow. And he lives in Israel. She does it in Israel. I love this. I I want to show a clip of it. Yeah. You show a clip. Shout it. You know what's the name of Look it up. It's on all the platforms. Amazing. Avi Proctor to beat you in podcast. Mike's cameras, the whole thing. I love this. A is good stuff. A great stuff. One day he's going to be here. When does he come? Comes in the summer for his basketball camp. He runs a basketball camp. Right. Right. I saw some uh shout out RTB and all of his camps, all of his things. But but so he would say so Again, obvious not his story, but he he also went through the whole process and and he he stayed on the more call it normal trajectory. I started flipping and he So he would say, "Remember Kobe Bryant?" And I would say, "Who?" Roby Rant. Well, he would say, "So you didn't want to remember that?" No, I never Yeah, I never heard of it. Even though these guys were on my wall, I I went to sleep watching them, but never existed. You remember LeBron James? Who? Who? Lawn Lames. You have no idea. Like to push at him. And he got upset. And he got upset rightfully so. But again, I I meant it was I meant it for Hashem's sake. Yeah. You thought that's the right way. I thought that was the right. And now even though that was against the of my it's against he said you have to be real passionate yourself. Right. One year I remember I told I told I the story I came over Pet and one day said he said your your is in the back room. Go get it. I went to get it. It's a big box, like a UPS kind of box with like a grape juice and chocolate stuck to like with tape to the box. Thinking, okay, I guess he didn't have a box, you know, they have a little bag, you know, to put the, you know, it's interesting, interesting vessel. He said to me, open up the box. The seed of the other people, they said, open up the box. It was a basketball. Brand new. Brand new. whereas found a basketball in pumped it up and you know it was full ready to be played but obviously from there you see how he knew the value and how important it is that I play ball and he said you have to play ball and he was always pushing me you have to play ball and I'm thinking no no you got to play you got to be real you didn't know how to connect the two worlds not only did I not know how to connect I thought that's not what God wants again I I checked out differentes at the time, you know, wanted me to find a place. He said, "Bells is too big. It's too much for you. You got to find a smaller place." And throughout throughout the last couple years, you know, I you know, when I was in Israel, you know, in my, you know, young 20s, I was find, you know, different places. I was I went to different I was, you know, with the pitb and he actually put on my by Who? Wow. He was my my shabas outfit was here in B park and and he was here that chabas and we arranged it and he put on my my so that was very big for me. I can speak a while about the experience I had just in that alone is very close to a lot of me families you know the rebba the rebb himself I remember one time you could see my emotions when I d and the rebba one time he walked by and he said to his gaba he pointed him he said vav's warm heaven's warm and he went he invited me up for his suda one time you can always eat by me whenever you want it's a big deal big deal not many people get that and and you know if you leave your living will have a ref but again I had just these these different experiences and a yearning and the pitba told me once he said I'm jealous of you that you can inspire people through basketball again and after hearing these messages and different things and and pushed me you got to be real got to be with yourself and then if it came time you know to to get you know to find a sh and how that's a whole another story how my wife came and she was visited and we went out get you know then we you know we made and she left the next day that's we'll save that for another time but said after he said I really think she's I think she's the one she's going to make sure you remain balanced and to her credit to you know to sum it up she's helped me remain balanced and after and after years of running away again I'm only 26 but I feel like I'm 80 after years of running away from my past about two years ago I said it's time for me to get back to myself to flip in that's when people said I flipped out I hate the word flip out I mean it's good but you're halfway there you got to flip in now wants you to strike out to become but now you got to flip in you got to flip in and so I went back and I started teaching back in again the yeshiva I went to being with the wow being with the guys and and and really finding and just like we we said earlier we saw the the story about the balatanya you know who was in prison and who was building a bridge I consider myself a bridge maker someone who's who's I'm 26 but I've experienced the monodox world secular world and I see that the common denominator is everybody's searching everybody wants something real. Wow. And it reminds me when I was in high school I met with you know especially many people here in America know you know the mash weber it's a big mash more than Mosha Weinberger in you know in woodmir and I met with him when I was in high school and we started speaking about off the der at the time I was you know and he said I hate the words off the der and this is today it's already a normal this was you know whatever he said I hate the words off the der he said off the der implies there was a derk and a kid went off He said, "Giving a kid a Gmorrah in fifth grade saying learn this is not a teach him what it means there's a God, right? Teach him about Hashem." And therefore I've decided now that and it's so clear to me that you know like I said the two dua to pick to for it's and I'm so thankful that I had these experiences and to this day I go to the gym I play ball and I learn it's not a stra people have to understand that I mean today it's already it's becoming more accepted you know people you know there's co there's cush gyms and things you have to exercise. You got to exercise. Yeah. And before actually now you know my is in Lakewood so we come visit now you know we're in for PES in Lakewood the gym in Lakewood I'll say there's there's a whole there's a whole really ready listen I love this before you start exercising Wow. Who made this? I know. It's on the gym in Lakewood. And you know it by heart. I know it by heart because because exercising is a vital part of a white. Last time I saw this maven thing was a a special yeid. I'll say the name. A lot of people know him. He's a EOS implement in Moni. And when he goes to the airport, he says and he's this is like a mitzvah. It's not like I have to go to the He goes to the airport and time and time again. It's a basically but it's a for the it's amazing was really inspiring. So now that I have this to teach in yeshivas teach with the guys it's so clear to me that my experience what I went through in life is is 100% it's what hashem wants for me and my goal is to be a bridge like I mentioned to use all the tools that I've gone through in my life my knowledge of music of the secular world of basketball you know to to play with the guys and be with the and not just and for myself that's what Hashem wants you kept saying you was to go off you know because like this because like One of my father's favorite that he says is he quotes from the literature from and from why does the finish so they say like this had the greatest father in the world is his father don't's father who Russia wicked guy didn't just sulk his head. He said, "I'm going to go out and find and build and develop a relationship with the one and only God." Wow. And that message for us is so powerful. The time we're holding in now, the end of days, right? I'm going to finish with you. end of days only someone who makes himself like ani who says forget whe whether he's secular or perhaps even more so today with he grew up from yeah I've spoken to flowers on the and he says and he he tells me and I said to him I said to I looked in the eye I said God doesn't love you because your last name is xyz and he put his head down wow Oh, Hashem loves you because you're you cuz he created you and you're he created you and that's the right today, you know, we'll see what you know, whatever. But today, you know, I have a chat different things where I put out I put out, you know, daily Sunday through Friday about a 90 second, you know, V things like this and also thing and other ways to reach me. But but these kind of that Hashem loves you. And as they say from the day, the day the day you were born was the day God decided the world can no longer exist without your unique talents and abilities. Wow. He wants you. He needs you. Right? There's the the Hashem needs every wants you. He needs you. You're valuable. We could speak hours about this. Hashem wants you exactly the way you are with your neilis and everything you went through and he wants you to be complete. Right? We mentioned Yakini Yakini. It says after he fought the right, the master of the the whatever the says he came to complete according he was completing his physical health. His his hip was healed, his financial health after tried to cap his money and his spiritual health. He was starking his Torah. I'm sorry. The the moment is what with As he sent money to As he didn't lose any money with he sent to As and the spiritual was even though he was right. He was with it was that he stayed strong. So to the excuse me that's that's wasting time. Yes. Wasting drinking, smoking. Do something with your life. Some people don't believe that they have any capabilities or talents. That's because they're too busy looking out. Too busy. We There's this expression called keeping up with the Joneses, right? When you just got keeping up with the Schwarzes. Too busy. Too too busy cuz cuz my my my Denali's, you know. So I I have a listen. I'm a I'm I'm a Tesla. I I just bought a Tesla. But you see your neighbor, he just bought he just bought a Ferrari or a Lambo with within a minute. I just bought a brand new Tesla. I'm worth nothing. I just bought a I just built a $5 million mansion. The neighbor just built a 7.5 nothing because I look out because I look out, right? Our rabbis, what do they know? Especially the the younger generation today we look at and this and again it's very important to find a RV and a rebi that that knows you that can find your balance also hard to find you have to search you search you'll find you don't search you're not going to find nothing search get look inside yourself what do I want out of life what am I here for how does one look inside shut up first of all shut your technology down for a little bit take a deep breath and say in your own words English, Yiddish, Hebrew, Chinese, Hashem. God the source, master of all. I love you. I care about you. I want to be close to you. You know what? And sometimes I feel I'm just talking to the air. I feel you may not even be there. But Alat, you're there, God. Help me. I want to be close to you. My nish is my soul is burning is yearning is lost. All I want to do is come home to you. Let me in. And God looks down and tin. Hey, 2025. And he says, "One of my children wants to come home." He calls all the cops. SWAT team shuts down the road. He says, he makes a beline. My son's coming home. My son's coming home. We're so busy with our preconceived notions of what has to be. Who cares, right? We speak, we spoke about MDY. That's the mile of MDY. That's just every year. Nobody ever goes, right? Nobody ever goes to the and said, "This guy is not wearing a hat and jacket, so he's not counted in a minion." Who cares? So, of course, it has to be and you want to you want to be in your community and and get beautiful. That's right. Pull off the And the more you're looking outward, right? Your portion your portion your portion. I could speak hours about this. Your what you have is exactly what you have because everyone needs and everyone has a peckle and you're looking at your neighbor who has this beautiful car with his big pimped up this and he's going out to eat every night and his wife with the the the lang all the you know the whatever all the jewelry and he feels anxious and trauma and depressed. So the says, "I want to be more American." Bro, why do you want to be more American? The divorce rate is close to 60%. The suicide rate is incredibly up. And the most prescribed pill in America is anti-depressants. I I want nothing about that. Be here, of course, wherever you're living, but but just be look inside yourself. Look inside yourself. this no on this right you you have a good point you're special I'm no one to to give a but the is even even a head can give a the message is close your eyes and look inside yourself and whether no matter who you are where you are what you've done boy Hashem wants your heart wants a relationship ship with you. He's craving the relationship and kazal tell us more than right more than the more than the mama wants to be wants to more than the calf wants to be yik from the mama the mama wants to give the calf hashem wants to give us so much blessing in life you can have the finest wine in America in the world but if you don't have a vessel if you don't have a cle you can't drink it right and another moh say is that you know two more thing we'll try but uh they say Right? Imagine, imagine you're thirsty. You want water. So you go to Niagara Falls and you take your cup and you put on Niagara Falls. It's not going in the cup. The falls are too powerful. They're going to crush you over. Hanoi Tavis Maz. If they're not guided and and and and brought down, controlled and really guided and channeled by the light and the wisdom of Torah, of the Torah lifestyle, they're going to knock you over. And the proof is in the pudding. the the wealthiest most successful people in Hollywood and everybody all this they're the ones making up my stat of 60% plus divorce rate suicide and anti-depressants and we finish with that that Hashem says I want to be in a relationship with you Imagine you and your wife let's say you have Moshe Rifka so Moshe knows that Rifka loves flowers red flowers roses so he comes in one of Shabas and he takes flowers and he comes right he forgets his key at home and he knocks on the door opens up he says wow what'd you buy for said, "About your flowers?" She says, "Well, Mosha for the flowers." Mosha throws her the flowers. And she catches the flowers and never forgets. She says, "Moshula more than I wanted the flowers. I wanted the flowers to come from you." You see, the flowers are only aim only only a vessel to express our love. There's no relationship. What are the flowers worth? So we come to God and God has his six 13 kinds of flowers and we say God take your fill and take your flowers go take your gift. He says my son catches he says thank you for the gift but I want it from you right much better a little bit with intent than with no intent. The message is is is is simplify your right you want to be you want to be complete you want to be that simple when you're with Hashem you'll be with God then it goes together you want to be complete be with God be with God you'll be complete trust him he loves you he cares about you we take this message to heart and we close oursel and we close our eyes and we say Hashem and we Talk to him in our real words. Real words. If there's no heart, you're just mumbling words off the script. Speak to him. So, don't go off the but you know what? Find your real Derek while remaining in the derek. Go just like you have a whole makeover. Sometimes in your house, you redo the kitchen. Renovate your whole pineia. See what's going on. Look inside yourself. When each and every one of us can bring out our emius and Hashem will look down and say ah and then he'll have what will be a cle to rest when the whole world will be filled with knowledge of hemi. Oh man. Wow.