Appreciating your Spouse - Rabbi Benzion Klatzko

[Music] good evening everyone it was just my 30th anniversary married 30 years Baruch Hashem that is a big deal some of you are wondering I don't look like I'm 30 I a burqa Shem eight grandchildren yeah with more on the way does that there chef you want to know the trick I'll tell you the trick here's the trick ready lots and lots of sushi the raw not the cooked the raw ok matica not vegetable ok so when one is a short slot a brief slot one should not try to overshoot so I'm not going to I want one message to be given over and if I'm successful then you can go on eating and I will feel like I've accomplished something and it's really one word it is the word of the night if I have to have a word of the night super the night soup of the day word of the night and the word of the night is appreciation I want to speak with you tonight very briefly about how you should appreciate the person you are married to more than you appreciated them when you walked in that door now if I accomplish that I'm sure people will be happy but I want to start by saying that our relationship with our spouse mirrors our relationship with Hashem the reason that we just had a dish above was because our relationship with Hashem was lacking appreciation Hashem said you not appreciate a bit coming - so I'm gonna take it away you do not appreciate carbon oak so I'm gonna take it away you don't appreciate each other so you have a scene up keen um I'm gonna scatter you about so you shouldn't be near each other appreciation is the gasoline in the engine that makes love and relationships thrive what does the word appreciation mean so appreciation is often thought of as recognition I I appreciate that you're a smart person but that's not actually the definition of appreciation to appreciate means to recognize and enjoy strange you may have never heard this but to appreciate means I recognize and I enjoy your qualities now it's a little bit strange that I'm speaking here about appreciation because my wife is not here I told it come we're gonna have a good nice free well we got it free cuz I'm speaking I said um you know paying with my voice I said why didn't she come we'll have a delicious dinner and I said how can I speak about appreciation if you're not even here and then she says if you'll appreciate me you'll know I need my rest so my love and my appreciation is I appreciate we still have a lot of younger children at home and she's gonna get to bed and that's how I show my appreciation when you appreciate the person you're married to that person feels valued you know when we're young we begin to question our value we go to school and you know this if you have children or you know this if you remember your childhood and you get a B or C or and D or an F a 65 a 70 and 80 and your value is attached to the grade that came in the report card just we got the test results back of the state test I forget the name there's a state test that they take I don't know what or why what does it called ela I don't know what it is but my poor said my seventh grader is being judged your the 60th percentile 70th eighty you're judged you're a number and from when we're young we begin to question what's our value when you appreciate somebody you tell them you've got to tell you you intrinsically not the way you cook not the fact that you bring home a big paycheck you have value when you appreciate somebody you tell them I see you I see you you know we need to be seen do you know there are people who put on Facebook poses that actually put themselves down oh no I'm having another panic attack and then 40 people Oh it'll be okay call me I'm there free why do people do stuff what are you wearing your every wall your folds the answers we have this neat to be seen even if being seen means you know that I'm willing to expose my flaws as long as I know that I am seen when you appreciate somebody you're telling them I see you I see you you stick out when an important person I used to be a rabbi in Hollywood for many years and I was the rabbi for a lot of famous people and I lived in Westwood where all the movie premiers took place and in Westwood in Los Angeles there are famous people everywhere literally everywhere you're standing right next to me a little Ferrari and I'll came a big Shaquille O'Neal I don't know how he said you know there's gigantic that and all Shaq what happens if Shaq stops or if an actor or an actress is very famous they stop and they look at you for a moment and they say hey what's up I like you I like your time I like you know what you feel like a million bucks you know what cuz you were seen we need to be seen more than that we need to know that what we're doing in this world has meaning and purpose and when somebody says to you I appreciate you I appreciate if someone comes over to me I'm not telling you to they come over to me after the speech and said he rabbi I appreciated your speech I got I got a lot out of it you know that makes me feel like it makes me like wow the meaning in my life I'm trying to live a life of value and meaning I'm living a life that has value it's got meaning I'm fulfilling my destiny my purpose so by you appreciating me it gives me a reason to exist for all of these reasons and many more when we stop and we appreciate our spouse things change so the first thing is you've got to get a good vocabulary you've got to start speaking in words there are gentle and empowering and lifting up you're so smart you're so clever you're so resourceful I appreciate your sense of humor I love how you take how you pay attention to how you're dressed I'm so proud to walk next to you do you know appreciation is so powerful watch little experiment here appreciation is so powerful that I could literally come over to any one of you and give you a comment then you'll feel good I'll give you a little compliment - it it just it just well it's just why I love your head your red shirt it's just like right there again then that feel good kick your stand I don't want to see that shirt come on let's go get a clamp dad turn wrong is that a nice shirt that's a nice shirt that's a nice shirt it's powerful sometimes all a person needs after a month of working to bring all the paycheck sometimes what a person needs after working so hard in the kitchen and fixing and cutting their hands while they're peeling whatever it is it's just a moment to say you know it you are so awesome I appreciate you so much and that's all you need so change your vocabulary number to listen up appreciate your spouse in front of other people there are people that are overlooked mute garbage things that were things right you can clap the hyung they're great things that were proud of we show off we got a nice new Lexus we drive so if you're proud of your husband say my husband is an honest man not only that but he's Coverity matura you know he goes to mignon and he's so tired after he comes back from work but 20 minutes after he comes he runs to my leave and then afterwards she goes and he learns with their body appreciate them and let them hear you appreciate them so now listen up I want to give you a few tools and then I'll end with a story and we'll be finished okay a few tools when we are married for as many years as we are bizarre fashion for life we begin to notice things about the person that we weren't aware of when we were dating and we didn't know about those things and one fault leads to another fault and I noticed this then I noticed that so I want to tell you something about appreciation you must appreciate the fact that everyone in this world has ten folds and when you switch one person for another like some people do remember I was a rabbi in Hollywood so switched switch legs you switch a car lease let's switch it up you're doing nothing but switching ten faults for a different ten folds that's all you did all you did was you traded in ten and maybe you're better off with the faults that you know how to deal with then the faults that you don't as a matter of fact sometimes it's the person's faults that that are based and character that you love about them let's say you're married to somebody and they're very sloppy they leave their socks around they leave this there they're a little bit scatterbrained and you get so frustrated you say I wish I was married to someone who was neat who was who's organized well guess what that same person who's all messy that same person was also spontaneously fun and if you say hey let's go to that house at dinner they once in one second my calendar I need a six-month prep time for that I need to know and write I can't just live a B sitters and like what am I supposed a few raw nerves there it's the spontaneousness which is also the thing that makes them a little bit messy so when a person says you know what I want to marry somebody who's very neat you know you ain't you may have just given up somebody or spontaneous everything is a trade-off everyone has ten faults plus sometimes it's the person's faults that give you a purpose in the marriage what are you doing like she does everything let's be honest I'm talking from a guy's point I what are you even doing lucky bring it texaco right sorry about that what do you do it's her fault that give you a reason for being it's your fault number two so I got married pretty young I was engaged when I was 19 she had just turned 17 that's the sorority and me know yeah so we go we got engaged we were very young but we were actually engaged for a year because there the rabbi had said wait till she was 18 so we got married on our 18th birthday so I didn't wait one extra day like the Duke so while we were waiting to get married my rabbi advised me go back to Israel I was studying in Israel go back and then when you you know the end of the year you'll come back and you'll get married and in the middle of that year we spoke on the phone but they didn't have cell phones then and long-distance was very expensive I was in Israel so in the middle of the year I got cold feet like what's that what'd I just do but I mean it was over weird or I'm not telling you the whole story but not only was she 17 she was the first girl I ever went out with and I proposed 45 minutes into our first date and she said yes not recommended on any level I also like penny stocks but so in the middle in the middle of the year I got cold feet and I turned to my rabbi and I said to my rabbi you know what am I supposed to do I'm engaged like everyone knows and I got I had these cold feet and he says to me Ben my name is first thing's been seein he's has been seein what are you thinking are you thinking are you thinking you could have found five other girls who would marry you so I said sort of I mean I mean I was shortened to that but I have some game and I figured you know there's got to be like five other good so I said yeah maybe there five other girls so he says to me he says to me I got a question he says do you think this girl that you're engaged to either the he hadn't met him because he was in Israel he said do you think she could have found five other guys who would marry her I said for sure she's beautiful she's smart beautiful family so he said let me just let me just understand this so she could have found five other guys you could have found five other girls but you chose her and she chose you that's marriage the simplest the simplicity and the genius it doesn't mean that there's no one else out there that you could have lived in the same house with and made you laugh but ultimately when you got married you said I'm gonna appreciate you for your faults and your sweetness and your wisdom I'm gonna appreciate you and the rest of your life you work appreciating them so that's that's rule number two I'm gonna finish with a story I was married a few years I was learning in kollel and they were not paying me a lot of money and I was driving a car that was the equivalent of a Sherman tank it was my in-laws old-fashioned station wagon you know there's bullet proof brown ugly station wagons I think they were called country Squires anyone know what I'm telling country scribe anyways so one day I turned to my wife and I say I'd like to get a car I want to get a car so on the auction that there's a car available so she says we don't have money for to buy a car I said in the auction the ad says there's an auction and Queen to a police auction and you can get a car for pennies on the dollar that means for pennies on the dollar we can get Alexis or you know really a Mustang I said let's go she said yeah but it says on the ad that you've got to give a quarter of the money up front she as I told her by the way I've been putting money aside so I was in the coal that paid $1,000 a month and each month I put away a hundred hundred fifty so I had saved up a thousand dollars so I said look we can buy a car that is worth four thousand all you have to do is pay a quarter of the money there she said where are we gonna get the other three thousand I said I xem will help her she'll help let's just go so we went to the auction and queen and when the auction started we're looking around at all the cars we had no idea what we want didn't suddenly she looks at me and she says where's the money it's a thousand bucks in cash I said it's in my pocket she says can you please put it in your shoe I said I don't want to put it in my shoe cause it's uncomfortable we like talked with a bunch of bills in their shoe she says somebody could pickpocket you I said no one's gonna pick bakka me don't worry I thought of that and what I did was I took paper towels I crunched them up together I put about 20 of them on top of the money so if someone fishes their hand in my pocket they'll get paper dollars Bella group dolls and if they reach the bottom of my pocket by then I'll for sure feel them and I'll do it any good wrap why would you want to turn around a bunch him so she says really I'm still not comfortable put her in your shoe I said then I won't be comfortable let's just let's just leave it over here paper towels is cool the auction began five minutes into the auction the guy next to me taps me on the shoulder he says excuse me mister I think somebody just put their hands in your pocket and my stomach drop and I put my hand in paper towels paper towels paper towels paper towels in five minutes they're fished in they have just found the money on the bottom and stolen all of it I turned to my wife and I said to my wife we gotta go home we she said what did we just buy a car I said no I said we got pickpocketed and I expected her to yell and scream but she did something worse she didn't say anything that was much worse we got to the car we're driving we're driving home back to Brooklyn and suddenly my wife looks at me and she says you know what it's from Hashem don't feel bad and I look at her like pardon me excuse me just from my chef don't worry I know you didn't mean it don't worry and I'm looking at her I'm thinking who is this person she should be yelling and screaming and so upset instead she's like good for my Shem we get home I sit on my bed she's sitting across from me and I said to her Shani that's her name I said Shani I want to let you know what you did today you won me over for life any other person would be yelling and screaming and you told me don't leave it in your pocket and I didn't listen I was so stubborn and when I got stoned you didn't say anything you just said it's gonna be okay it's from uh Shem I said I learned that you could appreciate someone even for their faults I said Shani one day I'm gonna pay you back and so a few years later my youngest sister was getting married I turned to my wife and I say I'd like to buy a suit and she said okay garb by a suit you haven't bought a suit in a few years and I had a vision of a perfect suit was a big thick pinstripes that was some style in those days I said I really want to get this big beautiful suit and she says go and I looked around and it took me three four days until I found a store that had exactly what I was looking for I was so excited till I saw the price and then I thought oh no I can't afford this then I remembered my wife's very smart words she said you deserve a suit okay so so I bought the suit and once I bought the suit I needed to buy the shirt and then I needed a matching tie then I needed a nice pair of shoes bottom line bottom line it cost a fortune but that's okay because I deserved the suit then I have to take the suit and take it to be shot disgusted and then I had to take it and I got there I had to get it shortened and taken out the whole thing was like a week and a half but I would have the most amazing suit for my last sister's wedding guys five sisters she's the youngest I'd have an amazing suit well the wedding was in Cleveland and my wife calls me up from Cola and she says do me a favor when you come back at the end of Cole don't come home and relax because then by the time we leave it's gonna be 10 o'clock at night the kids are gonna be overtired and cranky do me a favor right when you come home let's get in the car and let's go I said okay but I didn't pick she said I packed up everything for everyone I said what about food she said you'll take it in Tupperware containers let's just leave as soon as we can I said okay I come up from Cola with an a half an hour we drove from Brooklyn to Cleveland I got there at 6:00 in the morning with my family I think I dive and I rest them till noon at noon at noon my father calls all the families are expected to be at the wedding all four pictures I said great everyone's getting dressed I take a shower I come out I say to my wife okay can I have the suit and she says sure and I see her looking and she's looking and she's looking and she's looking then she runs back to the car then she runs out and after about five minutes she's turned to me and she says I'm afraid to say I left it in Brooklyn I think you all know I spent a fortune on that suit I spent a week and a half the wedding is now I have nothing to wear I it was it was a disaster but then then I remembered the auction I remember the auction and I turned to my wife and I said don't worry about it it's okay I came in a suit I could wear that suit I'm not the groom don't worry I came but it's like wrinkly loose I said that's okay and I go out I go out of them of the room feeling good that I overcame I didn't show and all on my face that I was upset I go I shaved and I'm about to walk back in the room when I see that my wife had gathered all the children around her and she was speaking to them she's sitting on the bed all my children were sitting around her so I don't walk into the room but the door is halfway open so I listen to what she's saying and she's saying for the children Kendyl our children I want to tell you something about your father she said your father bought a suit and menthol opted in its bank he spent over a week and spent a lot of money and I told him that I brought it and he trusted me and I forgot it and he just found out and she said most fathers would be so angry they'd be yelling and screaming but not your top tea not your father he didn't make me feel bad he knew it was a mistake she said I want to give you a blessing I want to give you a bracha they you should grow up to be like your father and she took each of the children and they stood in the look in a row and she put her hands on their head and she gave him abraca his simcha Elohim can find the human eye shed and she gave him a brach and I'm standing by the door and I've tears rolling my down my eyes because she doesn't realize that it's from her that I learned it it came from the auction it's all her inspiration we can appreciate each other even with our faults I give you a bracha each and every one of you appreciate your spouse you're lucky that they said yes when they did remember that to the last days of your life thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause]