The image company: A Conversation on Healing with Rabbi David Bashevkin and Lipa Schmeltzer

[Music] such a pleasure to be here I love there's color there's life here and I want to talk to you we're here for amudim to talk about the process of healing and I wanted to start by asking you you know you've been sharing a little bit more quietly about the need in your own life to find Healing to seek healing which is so moving to hear specifically specifically somebody of you there's an image there's a person there's a there's a headline there's a CD album covers why did you decide to share even quietly even not so explicitly why did you decide to share about your journey for healing startop with the musall you know I was in a university to learn about art I'm still figuring out oh let me rephrase that now that I'm still figuring out I'm my thinking tells me I'm still fig fig getting out my artart because the real me should just be a kid playing with art just pain just be a little child again and uh but I graduated about in 2018 it's almost 6 years and I still don't have a regular website for my art I'm I'm now working on it and and the main reason is because the confidence the inner child that thinks he's never good enough um no you're not good enough you have to be the best like even with pricing I was thinking because of the leaper name I'm going to charge only art for 25 Grand and lately I said no I want people to have my art I also have art for 35 Grand but I'm also going to have something for eight because you know to be to be normal it's a process but it's the black and white thinking what happens to a child that's being broken is that that is the black and white thinking of either I'm the top either I'm a nobody and that also built my career and also besides of particular particular um areas of that I shared a little bit hinted the regular thing just being hit every week with a stick just uh being nicknamed just even and I don't want to you know my own family I don't want to but the the was these were Holocaust Survivors and and they were in how do you say flight to fight or fight to flight mode fight or flight so um this is how they brought us up so all of this is is is engraved so the mshal to get you answer is so a professor asked me about my pain p in what do you think what what do you explain about this painting I told them if it's public and you give me the opportunity to talk I'm very good at putting up a show and telling you what this painting means and what it brings out if you ask me in private why did you create this painting I'll tell you I don't know help me figure out what's in this what am I doing so now it's six years later and my healing journey is also Basham in a very good place so when you ask me this question it's not any more clear cut like I would answer this professor that in private I'll answer you this and in public I'll answer you this here I can already blend the two and tell you that let's first say I'm not sure myself exactly precisely it's probably a lot of reasons together why I shared it but I can touch on some things which it's a blend of the public and the private answer and um the the thing is first of all we can go to the even deeper I have going to do soon and we have a company you can call the company any name you want litvac Lakewood Square satma POA but really it's all within a bigger umbrella and the bigger company the name of the big company that we have is called the image company and everybody has to have an image hey what's going to be with Cham what's going to be with Yeshiva I have this whole song I don't know if I should give it away that I want to make with the with the that's also I used to be very insecure about every who everybody's my immediate circle they know if I would want to make a song I'll tell them don't tell nobody so nobody takes it away and now it's just flow I can share it here I can make a song I don't have to make a song and I wanted to make a song about um this guy who uh you know he was in and they kept on telling him you need to find the you need to behave don't drive a car don't do finally he found the and then he wanted to start a Satan work it's almost the example is almost me but anyway so he went to his rebba and the rebba said yeah but you're gonna do this or that it's gonna it's gonna hurt you for your kind and the guy was thinking to himself I'm barely worked up my own and I'm barely not I don't know where I'm standing if I'm happy or not you're talking to me about kind I don't even have yet I don't even have and then the Kinder come and then you think yeah but you need to be you need to watch out for um for for for for for Yesa for what's going to be with you have to find the mo so then you watch for the mo and then the kind finally become and then let's say in the case somebody wants to get divorced and say yo but you're ruining the whole family maybe wait till the kids are married and I know some people who were in that case so then you you finally have sh because the image is is working and the background and and all the shiges andain everybody is like I don't know I like the boy but I don't know what's going to be the background because laa I don't know what it's going to be and they make this whole the image comp they work for the image company without even knowing they're employed by the image company they don't know if the girl is a beautiful girl inside and out or the boy is a inside now they have to work for the image company so finally they all part of the song Finally they make they marry over their kids and let's say they want to do a certain family change then the kids come in are you crazy are you going to ruin us for the what you can't do this so then they have to go through life until they come to an age you know where it's time to give back Thea and they give back Thea and so now the story can come almost to an end except that the kids have to fight around with the Mo do which will accept the body and that's the song and this is the life of somebody who's employed by the image company and we have thousands of people employed by the image company image compy so when I come out and talk a little bit there's this side of me who wants to make a change in the community especially in the image company we have everything has to be hidden because imagine if I want to say something that could do something for square now cre is building a for $100 million now I can maybe make can run fundraising and I can ruin that and I have brother-in-laws there and nephews and nieces and Lea what are you doing and then I also have to be afraid maybe it's going to backfire me I have Pusa my main panoa is within the image company and maybe I can I can lose weddings and what's going to be what's going to be yo Le what's going to be not going to have money and yo and all this so I always joke and it used to be many years I wasn't did I did 12 steps and now I'm doing different things on convention I'm I kind of think that a beautiful video I don't know if you saw it OFA alter when he visited boaron he stopped for a moment and he spoke about the serenity prayer that they say beautiful beautiful I think was a very good man I think that one I think his brother somebody said one day very big thing that I I saw in a video and I couldn't believe that um someone like him is talking like this he was talking about Rebels but I'm not going to getting into that the thing is that most of the drive that we have is the image company and I'm telling you right now in the middle of Kaneka that while I'm talking to you I have not me see I want to change it my thinking has fear that y you're saying this many times image company it can backfire you what's going to be with your Panos and I say money is about the only tyer that wasn't taken away from the Orthodox Community because if you think about it um like tyers any tyers physical tyers we were taken away and we were crushed it's almost the two ERS that were not taken away is food we like food and we like food and you see how crazy the donuts and yeah the kigle and heing and and and and and people then don't don't feel good and we go to doctors I try to take my life now to a place where I'm eating healthy I love it when you came it looked like you were exercising you first came yes I exercise let them know I do this because because it's important to talk about could you imagine every Yesa would have would have have treadmills I mean what's wrong and I was once in in a mon in in in a workout place and I saw somebody come with a hit a reckle to do to do a workout to me really it's an OCD because what's wrong to take on boxers and like a special I don't know it's not the way it's not boxes the way is workout clothing it's a certain shorts or or um what's wrong what's wrong to work out like there's a story with The KES that he was traveling with students he was traveling with a group of students and they pulled over to the side of the road and there was a beautiful River The KES and The KES took the students out and they said we should go swimming a little bit we should go swimming students are going to swim with the K so the students were standing there like like sardines like very serious and then all of a sudden they get splashed they look around and they look who's splashing us it's the Kish he started splashing his students he says if you don't learn how to Splash and learn how to exercise and have fun and be healthy you're not going to be able to be healthy inside of the Bas man so there's this book you know the making of a godle that's from that book and and he got such a backl I always wanted to meet him and I wasn't ready or whatever and and and he had to edit the book because he said that I think the one of the Cutler loved the certain Sports and to me and I think I'm I'm in the same thinking of this of kineski who made the making of the GLE is to me it's like if you show a kid that even a godle can have a hobby then this kid wants to be a godle but if you show if you if fake it that that they're like Mal and they're not especially today when most most as you call it are people who inherited a richness real estate it's not like it used to be before the war people for them to become a good ladar they had to go through a far and the whole the kle people the good people were seeing who is the guy who can be good lar I sometimes ask my friend when they say Lea don't talk like this again because they want to protect the the image company image company so they come and and I asked them why shouldn't your son be the next rebba in America and they're like wow I said yeah wow you paying all this tuition maybe your son can become a rabbi he cannot at most he can have a Sho with 10 people at most Why can't your son become the next big rabba because it became an inherited now this is this is not it's a new thing it wasn't always like this correct so I think that it's going to change with time so so let's get back to me why I'm talking so let me ask you a question about the image company to come to come back to you you know when you made that video and I I want to say on a personal level it impacted me I don't have the the the fame and the notoriety that you have but I have a small little circle that they Rec they know you before you meet them that's what it is they know you after they'll know you after this interview but they but they know you they know you before you meet them and you said in the video the first thing you said is you don't care how many likes it gets how many plays it gets and you're almost like talking to yourself tell me a little bit about the role of because your parosa your livelihood profession requires you to be the best to to to sell records to get the biggest gigs when did you realize that you want to escape or have a place to get out in an exit strategy just a place in your life that isn't governed by the image company when did you realize that you needed so I'm going to get to it and just want to so I think I finished the first question basically is and it's okay thank you for giv me the hint that because I'm getting off the track with a question is that um I think what happens is and it ties into the second question is somebody has a ride with a parachute and they're afraid they know that once they pull the string and they have to go with the parachute they're on their own and they're taking the plunge I think what's happening with me is that there is the there's the the the habits the program habits of many many years and the programmed habits is okay I need to please I need to make money I need to and I'm afraid and the fear it's very very clear like if I'm very being very open what happened the last half a year but I realized but everybody has if if you go to a big psychologist they'll tell you I'm not sure the number but there's a five six words that you can put in your whole life into you search for love fear shame there a few things everybody has a little bit more of this or that and I think for me I'm driven by a lot is driven by shame guilt fear fear guilt shame oh I'm sorry how many times I said I'm sorry to people all the time I'm sorry they me they it's all the little child so I think the the the more healthy the inner child becomes and and and and and the inner me and the inner soul it's it wants to break out and way wants to finally be healthy so I think what it does is it takes and it the heart the inner heart talks out okay I make this little speech before sh but I'm afraid Okay so I'm doing it carefully I'll still have kasas I'm not I'm only going a little bit and I think what's really is from somebody who's not healthy you can look at it oh it's a game but when somebody's very healthy it's not a game it's me want to be healthy but me being afraid everything I'm part of this okay where do I go and and take it very gradual and figure out a middle way like I was thinking the last whole year I'm I have this Mantra I'm I'm born into this community to go all through this and then to be a Healer and to and to help people heal a year ago I was having this this this thought that when I'll be a Healer I'll take a special price because leaper a year later I'm saying no I want to take the most reasonable price that anybody in mon Monro takes just because I want to help people I'll sell my art for bigger money whatever I want to help people I think we have there's a a tsunami of people who are going to need help a lot of things are still going on so when you asked me when it happened for me to feel that I want to break out I think it's the journey the more I heal the more I grow the more I feel hey what's real and what am I doing all this and again money I look back but 90 years old okay another 6,000 another 5,000 what's the real leaper so I think the first question and the second question ties in to me trying to find myself but without you know giving up the responsibilities I have for kind and and and and my kind I gave them the of the same image company but in a way to give them also healing without them you see when I tell when I tell I want to give my kids healing if my kid or anybody who know like they think oh no my kid everybody everything's beautiful the Emma says it's Tak beautiful healing doesn't mean that something is not beautiful for me it's a lot more it's trauma but for the Next Generation hopefully it's beautiful healing means the world needs to heal just the way we eat just the way just the way we behave like I said imagine every Yeshiva has a gym imagine every Yeshiva has an hour a day talking about what potato and Gala and labor and haing and schabs dust to the to the liver and and to the to the body this is what I'm talking about I'm not talking about learning about politics I'm talking about just make but for this to happen we need people who listen to this interview and to another interview into another interview and suddenly one day they becomea and that's how it's going to happen one by one by one when we say no one can change the world when we say no one can change that means that we given up when we think about the stock market that there I'm never going to make it you're never going to make it but if you put in $10 $20 you're going to make it if you think you could change the world I can change very little by little and you don't use the old slogan you can't change it what can we do it doesn't change it just get worse you know this song yeah then we then then it's going to happen like this if if we take it so I think that's that's why I talk I think that's also why I'm careful I think also I have to watch my health not to be too much in the Limelight with things that can be triggering for me that's after to sh people ask me for interviews I didn't want to do I have to take it slow for sure baby steps and I think when it started for me that I'm looking for a way out I think it's 25 years in the making I I I I was maybe certain times and it's okay to say that there are times when I had to do with ronam and stuff where this came from it came from a very unhealty place not from my side I know exactly where it came from I had I had asking with three other telling me when I moved out to mon they said even if you move out if you're not going to obey what we tell you to B it's a very small company we scary and you were so young so young you don't real remember how young you were at the time you were famous but you were young and this guy said to me that that that the company of whatever call it whatever you want the activist he said we have two people in Bak three people in V it's a very small company we're going to run after you forever we're going to make sure and and when I went through with the big raon and the they all asked me maybe they s say but they asked me I sat with ra bsky I said with ra Einstein I said even the M of Lakewood and the show it goes into the the image yeah so hopefully one day it's different I had one manal ask me for but can I say one thing about that but I just want I want to finish this so I know I'm sorry to you just want to don't want to lose my train of thought so when I had a meeting with him what the guy I said I said to them because it didn't make sense what happened to the story and he said to me we're here to bring you down in my face and I was very young and I didn't I couldn't I couldn't help myself so I wish I could tell you like I told you about the professor in art that I had this vision and then I really start but no really it all the main teacher in my life was pain was pain that drove me and then I went to and then and now realizing without going into details is that my main pain which I thought it was maybe aadu hit me and maybe it was the later that I B that wasn't even the main thing there's much deeper trauma that was covered in childhood there something called cognitive dissonance and you can Google this and it it's almost like you you feel like you you were betrayed by your brain how could this be but really it was a help for you so now when I'm ready it's coming out but really to finish with this is that pain was my main teacher maybe I didn't deal with it with the right reason but for the first time I'm not going to say maybe I didn't deal with it for the right reason so I'm sorry no I won't say this I'll say maybe I didn't deal with it for the right reason because what did I know and I was trying to survive now I'm in a much better place I'm asking because even interview like this can be controversial by some and I'm asking Hashem that people should learn from this the right lessons and if I said something that just comes because my feelings are pushing me in a certain way they should take what works for them and leave the rest and maybe I open one family one father one mother and and and maybe I open people to be respectful okay people have a journey why can the secular World why can ilam musk who we idolize why can he write in his book with with with isakson saying that he went through the most trauma in his life and why is it normal that is can talk about him even negatively or positively after with how it was with him and why is it much less judgmental it's almost like a to know a I'm getting a little insight toam musk and why by o it's oh my gosh where is it going he's going to ruin his business and where can we break a little bit the image company that it's okay it's okay for someone to work on themselves it doesn't mean that everybody is like this it doesn't mean that you are like that it's okay for a girl to come from this most beautiful family and be the the rebon of the coming daughter and that her mother is going through certain healing and what's wrong why is it so judgmental and that's precisely the reason and I I was just thinking to myself that my I think I think they have a very I want to say so myself they have a very good life and a very good father and all this beautiful art that I'm making I said if I if even if I never sell will I will I sold it already it's for my kind and they deserve it because they went through with me to see my journey and you know they'll be settled and they'll be the best kids in the world because they have a father who not only stood up for thems for for them but also stood up for the world and say it's okay to go help get help and I think that answers you first two questions and now I'm quiet it's interesting you mentioned cognitive dissonance so the person who came up with the theory of cognitive distance is someone named Leon festinger and he wrote a book called when prophecy fails and what inspired him to come up with that theory about feeling that being torn in the way that you look at the world is actually the Jewish community in the opening pages when he talks about Messianic disappointment after they thought you know that they thought that he was going to be the new Messiah he didn't come and the disappointment that it had and what it did to the community the whole Theory came from the Jewish Community but I want to talk about something you know I was one time sitting at a concert at one of your concerts I was sitting right next to Sly besser swly writes for mishak magazine beautiful writer and he he he he nuded me he said you know when lepo got started getting attention in the larger world he was compared to to certain pop stars they said he's the pop star of the world he says they have it wrong he's not that pop star he's Billy Joel why do he say Billy Joel he said this to me he's Billy Joel because the reason why the world loves the music of Billy Joel if you ever heard of his his music cuz they're able to to see the the ordinariness of the experience they're able to see themselves inside of his music and I think you've done that for the community in in really incredible ways but there's one word that we haven't used and I want I want to I want to use it specifically now my father's an oncologist he treats cancer and when when people especially in our community have cancer they don't want to say the c-word they say yanaka they say anything anything but mention the word cancer there's one word I want to mention here and that word is therapy because we've been using healing and I think healing is the goal of everything but I want to talk for a second about therapy because there are people who the healing is spiritual is cool you go to a mountain but therapy is work and therapy is process I want you to talk a little bit about how you overcame some of the stigmas some of the not even the stigmas of the outside world our own stigmas our own skepticism you're going to have the answers I've met a thousand people who think they have the answers you're not going to have the answers we're trained to have that SK skepticism that anybody can help us that anybody can really help us how did you break through the barrier to really seek Professional Therapy professional help for your mental health issues so it's amazing that um you see just to be to be very honest you asked a beautiful question and the little child in me had this trigger when he said mental health issues and no it's okay you said it but that's that's the trigger we need to undo because we can also say mental growth we can say you know advancement but really it shouldn't be a trigger if even if you say mental health issues because it's just what what what's the trigger we're judging ourselves based on the judging of others ah he's not perfect I don't know so really it's um and and you see you in the scene you know what's going on the community we can fairly say that the main effect when it comes to the image company I think is by sh by B by girls so there you you almost never see anybody in therapy because I don't know paper over everything yeah so when when do people go they're married for 10 years and they're starting to see something is dead inside and something needs to happen and suddenly they don't have to get they don't have to care about what their parents say what the sh and Sher say and they're like oh maybe we need help maybe and a lot of people come to help because something happened let's say there's a sh bias issue and the wife comes home look we're going to go for divorce and he started to cry no no I'm going to go for help and then he's realizing oh wow I have hiden issues some people they lost a business they lose a business they lose a job but for me I told you before it's about the pain but while you was you were asking the question I think I got very much Clarity that I'm blessed with the gift that Hashem was guiding me of searching all the time searching my father was a very honest person I grew up I can't live a lie and not to go into we we do live you know we this it's a lot of you know outside and and the inside doesn't match so see how I'm afraid even to say lie you know the word lie but that's you know so I searched all the time especially when I went through stuff in the name of TOA I knew it doesn't make sense when I wrote the GU song everybody's running after gu I did not even know um like how deep I'm writing I just wrote my feelings when you see that that people that that everything is about Toyota to to but it's really not about to because who has the right to go in first theb with the crle the guy who just finished or the guy who was giving a million dollars let's let's let's be open here so who gets who gets to go into the back door so we find one that was and now it's all Justified so okay so don't pressure you think you'll tell the guy that you should sit and learn but really he sees I want to have a good life I also want to go into the back door and sit in the front with my kids but the you know so we live atile in a predicament and it's slowly it's changing we have like a lot of all this um I don't know why but I'll give him a plug here why Jacobson and people like him people who come out people who become re you know passed away I I wasn't mentioned I was mentioned in one y paper the that I gave a beautiful h on him but any other paper did not mention me and I have a brother younger brother than me who tells me and he knows like the insight and he has his life part of me wants to also give him what I have but everybody has their own Journey so he said to me it's because he mentioned the word Instagram he said that mul was very big in Instagram and he was Masia I said to my brother look here lays a body he's dead I'm giving him his last covert the last 10 years also because he changed LA and he was different and he wasn't so popular in singing anymore that could be also natural reasons but in I thinking and I hope can say it if he would do the work on his level what I do even if he would stop singing he would still be big in different ways but because he also in his mind the whole thing was the image if he thinks he's very big and if not he's not big that's what happens I'm preparing for one day if I do different things that's why I'm saying healing we'll get back to the word therapy but I feel that so I told my brother I said the guy the only Outlet he had was Instagram so now because he's dead and he can't speak so now we're going to change the story we're going to bring in the going to be and we going to just talk about what's wrong to say that he was inspiring thousands of young people with Instagram and that's the truth why are you denying the truth so I didn't get my page in the Yiddish about my hper but it has like a 100 or more thousand views on YouTube so who speaks the silent majority speaks anyway but the word therapy so what happened to me is I had this gift of searching always searching so one of my siblings went through a divorce and he said to me that this and this therapist the mon I don't think he good for me because he's only talking about a certain area so I I was so I was like in square with with theil the whole thing and I wasn't even going to tell anybody my thinking and I told who knows I'm I'm you know we're talking basic you know but basic things that were taken away from you like it's like it's like it's like if if nobody gives you food and and and you starving for 5 days you're going to eat from the garbage potato kigle you know that's what how it is yeah like a raccoon yeah so I I wanted to talk to therapist about helping me how do I deal with being so suppressed in in in certain areas so I didn't tell him but I just asked him the number I said if this guy says he's talking only about I'm going to go to him for help I didn't even know what's therapy so I went to this guy $150 an hour I don't remember exactly the order I was there for a few weeks about the third week he tooks me out to he's giving me a shear and it was funny for me the whole thing and I came from square and brasta was the thing I was I was very naive what what what does he want and then a guy that we have a crrl you know it's you know the people after daving and before tells me are you are you having this type of tyers andus and telling my f my fantasy world whatever I said no what he said because this Ro and Monti told because this Ro didn't like square and I was a big topic then to use as a a so so and I once told this a square I said the people is not about me it's about Satan people and I'm I'm an icon that now we can throw around I said the people who like a they're not going to come with the say I like Le song be M but the five people who want to make noise and it's like the about Villa that's what you hear the screamers so so this I said so so this guy tells me Ro mon he said that he has a therapist in his Sho who davens by him who tells him that you in session telling him things about you so I didn't even know it's not legal I such a betrayal I was so naive what do you think I did I shot I'm never again going to therapy but then I was in a lot of pain so a year later I don't know remember who I asked somebody somebody gave me a different therapist and that was he was a good therapist I used it for a few months I stopped you know you're in the beginning you're talking you're talking you don't know where to go you don't know who to ask it's so important because I have a lot of young follow young followers and fans and when they listen to an interview they think oh today is different and it's it's different somewhat with therapy and it's going to be more different and that's probably talk but at that time when I was the age of my fans of today meaning I also have all the fans talking the new fans there was nothing to talk to the we therapy was in yish we say it was not normal it was it's going to make you different again because the image company because what is if a therapist opens up somebody's minds and they're going to become a little bit different they they going to come to the Tish and and and and um if the therapist says that they should spend time with their wife Friday night I'm just saying then it breaks the rules of the of the company so I always laugh with people in Five Towns I say they say I love going to this and this dish I said I also love haly to go on a roller coaster it's like but if I have every week yeah so so so and and and I also want to say it's a it's a dangerous thing to say but a lot of people even who think they like a certain thing it's like stockolm a lot of people because they never had any they never taste it what is it to be you know just to connect with their wife connect with their kids once a blue moon they go to a certain big Shore once they don't they don't know this is what they would born into this is the language it's done a good job anyway so so I go went to another therapist and then I went then certain issues which I don't want to get into whatever but I felt there there was certain numbing things that I was living with a way I felt almost physical anness in a certain side of my brain it was come to certain ideas the body keeps the score body keeps the score M much like this and I just ordered this book anyway so um I uh I I knew something was off but I didn't know what and so this guy told s me to 12 steps and and and he was a good therapist also then and this for 10 years a long 10 years and with a lot a lot of pain I had a I had a I have an agent album in Israel he says to me but sometimes you say an interview you say I don't want to talk either talk or don't say I don't want to talk I said every time I say this I do talk a little bit but there's certain things I just I tell myself here I don't want to yet go and it's okay it's it's painful but but there were certain things and I couldn't couldn't couldn't couldn't couldn't find but I had this way of searching and searching always searching and B A lot of therapists everybody was stepping stone for the next and I found this lady which for like for many years she helped me and um and um yeah she's like a family to me her husband also and they're both therapist then somewhere in the middle I was in college I want to become a therapist myself and then it was difficult ult for me to focus on the psychology of it so I finished the bachelor in Psychology but the Masters I changed to Art and yeah that's that's that's like the I wish the story would have it goes back to the professor mall that I can tell you very grounded this is what it is this is what is it's still in process correct we don't always need we don't always need Happy Endings and sometimes you know what I said before we sat down is that people always forget that it wasn't just the whole luos that were kept in the Aron they had a separate Aron according to tyus and aravan they had a separate Aron just for the shos for the broken shards to add to that also to what's the to finishing with you finishing with the finale with says right there yeah that's it why because from a broken lus comes out the beautiful TOA comes out everything we have today maybe if not for the whole story with the broken luas maybe we wouldn't have anything we have today so so this is the lesson of the whole Toy is finishing with broken and then we repear and for anybody I I say it will come a time that and I said this in interview I think in the past that to find the right the first thing the M will ask is who's your therapist who's your therapist at when I I have three children Kara after when every time I have a child in the delivery room after I text you know immediate family I text the therapist who helped me get married yeah I text her I said I wouldn't be here if I didn't seek help i' still be spinning in circles on the hamster wheel of the image company let me ask a final question I know you're busy so much to go and I know to share and to be vulnerable is not easy it's not easy so I want to ask something about about wholeness let's ask something about wholeness so much especially when you have a public Persona so much of your life is contingent you know we'll love you if you're the best we'll love you if you're if you're another hit will love you if and you feel it and it's the voice inside it's contingent love which is the sickness of so much of life and the image company Etc where do you go where do you get strength to find that where do you go to discover that non-contingent love what comes to mind to find that anchor and that groundedness that that lets you say my love and my self-worth and my adequacy not my inadequacy my adequacy I'm enough where do you go to find and discover those feelings so I think this is maybe for now where I am the most important question that you asked I'll tell you story and again I want to be sensitive to another person here I uh the first thing a child is looking for We Are Born Into needing community support and this also goes for wolves and and and and animals depending to what extent people need the community and this is our animalistic or our spiritual we need community and that's also what makes people confusing with they feel they don't like something but they need community and they're so afraid to think that once they going to move away from where they are now they're going to fall off a cliff that's not true the First Community a person has is family and if family is dysfunctional going back to the cni of Lance what psychology Pro today that's what I read and and I'm not the psychologist to say it but that's what I read is that if people come from a dysfunctional family they build a strong habit of cognitive dissonance all the time on things that that okay this needs to be blocked out and as if it didn't happen and when it so much so when it comes back you think wow how could it be I forgot if people come from dysfunctional families now it's fair to say and I I do this for the respect of my own family because then they'll say oh you say first of all I I would be allowed to say going back toas he would say but to be generous and nice to say that I believe that everybody who's been through through the Holocaust built the dysfunctional family in the fut generation everybody drama no no so there's no shame in it my father was holocost that's okay to say so the rest you can make up yourself so if you don't have validation properly in your immediate Community you constantly seek for validation and because we come from where we come from it's more often than not we're seeking it in the unhealthy places where you're not going to get so you're running after something you didn't get it I'll give you an example Yos I'll say you see I'll say it without the name of the community even if people even if people know and what I'm going through right now one of the things that came up for me that when I'm complete I feel ready I want to go back to the rebba where I come from and say I just want from you for my own little child for me to complete my healing come with me I'll tell you exactly what happened to me and and the mo this and I'm not going to embarrass them the community if you come with me even in the middle of the night to ask M for my father by his Cav and this will take out some tears from me that I need to heal now the anger comes in right away why would he do it you know the whole thing and he would really what I need ah is that I'm searching for that validation that my father told me that this is the only person that can give it to me so I'm at age 45 still want that if he will ask M for whatever happened under his um I will feel whole but really what I need to is Go deeper and to know that I'm the rabba I'm that rabba that can tell me and to tell my I don't even have to go to the cave my father's here I'm that the father is here I'm that person that can heal it I can go to do a there drama therapy there's million ways to if you want to visualize it but I I'm the guy that can do it and for now I can't deal with planning because that's again numbing I'm going to do it so he I can't control anybody so what's with the community like you ask what's with this what's with the support we do need support we need from within to find that I'm the one that can do it and from this place find a support group can be three friends four friends it can be people in therapy it can be people similar to you and really that's all you need to miror yourself and this becomes your community these four people these three people and I am right now searching and not that not tomorrow people have to call me and tell me I can be your community B my fans everybody's a big help for me but that inner that inner I'm whoever I find in groups in places where I do my growth I find the this is my community and what I wanted to share the story is that I have a family member who's helping a lot of people who every time in this last 6 months I had an Awakening I called to say this is what came up for me now and I think I think maybe you also got hurt and the and then I got a letter last Friday from the family member telling me it's so hot for me so hot for me to to to I want to be of help and then then it drags me in and and then and then I I said I love you and I understand you and you're right but really while I said I love you inside I wanted to punch the wall because now I need this this is my family this is my but then really to realize that I can't impose my story my family member also went through so much and said let's create this boundary that we talk about blindes and hom and I send you emojis and bras and let's not talk about keep it so then my family members trauma came up and said no I didn't mean forever I just meant now for a year I said no we can't choose this now when I need it you can't and tomorrow you need let's just make I'll find my I'll find my new family and not to say that I throw away my old some I don't want to get into it but yeah but but finding a chosen family finding a chosen family some in my family that I need to distance from some which is also a big process and some that I like very much and I'm close and some my new family that I that I choose and I think so to to conclude it in one sentence because I said it's the most important question where I'm right now is to find first the family the love within you and to know that you're not going to get it from the tape recorder from the recording that you think that this is what what you were going to get you have to find it from within you and then to find a small support group this is like a family a new family and then also you can be close to your family but not imposing on them the trauma because they also went through their own trauma and then my father passed away and he didn't ask if I'll finish with this I truly believe and we grew up in so much layers of fakeness that the real things becomes also H it's like on the outside it's like I call it the computer Judaism okay this is it the app works I'm going to come out of then there's the real the in de side it's it's okay if I went already so controversial maybe not but let me say it if somebody doesn't feel like going to sh at one point because they can't they can't they don't have to Fe P pressure I tell people the when he went on the boat to Israel there was no minion so we think about sht but what what did he do the two weeks when he went on the boat what did do when he traveled he meditated to Hashem it doesn't take away somebody wants to be M than a minion is beautiful and it gives them the meaning that they never miss a minion beautiful but not the judge if somebody comes like you know somebody come where were you last week they see you give the guy a break let let the guy maybe the you know leave everybody the way they are some people for them some people have social anxiety some people for them to go to sh once a month it's like for you five times a day so coming to back to believe my father I'm not I'm much there's a book about mourning for like Shiva and I was just going to buy the book now it's 5 years after he passed away but it's only now that I'm so connected more than than ever when he passed away and I spoke about how connected I am I think I said it clearly that there was some big connection but there was also some misunderstandings now I know clearly what happened and I know things even that happened that he couldn't help me and that in the community was about no this we this we sh and even even things that my father was not for now my father I love my father he didn't know better but in therapy in healing I can tell him also the things that hey you know that the little child needs to say not the justification that the little child needs to say Hey you couldn't it's not my fault and now I can feel my father's Thea is with me and that's what I want to get to that if I come out and I say I feel my father in Satan therapy he's joining me and certain things he's guiding me and certain things he's here to help me step by step and he helped me to recover what happened in the community where we come from this should be a sign for anybody who laugh Who's laughing right now when I say these words this should be if you if you take my opinion this should be your sign you listener where you are in real Judaism if when I tell you that my father is with me and he's guiding me and I feel that he's here with me and he came to me it's in different ways you can call it whatever to guide me certain things that really worked out for me and helping me through my healing because now he knows if this makes you laugh and feel all leapers King around then there goes you you you really work a computer Judaism because you go out from sh you believe in many many things that Nas are coming and everything ah but only as long it's in the book yeah but when you really have to heit the leish Mel to say that my father is guiding me oh my goodness he's like something D then we have to reconstruct a Judaism closer to spirituality to Nish to and then from that place we can take out the S and take out what does it mean do you really believe it take it take a breath one second wow there's no fear you know we talk about business let's leave it to Hashem I know but we have to ah there's the rational we have to do AAS but where's really Hashem leala Lea he just made his beautiful interview what's going to be p p Hashem hasem is going to give Pusa Hashem is taking care of liem is going to give the best is going to give you a good until now you not ready you're going to find someone who went through a similar journey and it's growing but what's going to be I'll have to support her but I have another kit where's hem Shem is in the breath ah I cannot thank you enough this is really it's very moved and the fact that you share and so many people listen I don't know if you have time I usually end with rapid quick questions okay that's quick on very quick here's very quick ones by the way I would take even another hour three the I have therapy okay and the word my first question tell me you know you clearly been reading a lot on this journey are there any books you'd recommend to a listener somebody is trying to find a way to open up some some some of the healthiness the the UN and maybe the Power of Now Bea beautiful Power of Now and also the body keeps the score but I can't give too much yeah sure sure body keeps the score yeah you have to body keeps the score next question if you went back if you went back to write your own book your own you went back to school to get a different degree to learn something a new area a new discipline what's an area a discipline that you wouldd want to write about helping people recover and and and and and start new and regain their life beautiful final question I'm always curious i' I've dealt with sleep issues my whole life I'm curious what time do you go to sleep at night what time do you wake up in the morning so it's complicated because I have have gigs and I go to sleep very late I try to sleep minimum seven hours a day I have to thank Hashem that sleeping is not a big issue but the most of the time I sleep well Lea this has been a privilege and a pleasure thank you so much for speaking with us and thank you for being who they are this is really credit to abam yes I give you a hug before you go sure thank you this was [Music] really