Riding The Rolling Coaster of Schooling Today

hi good evening everybody thank you so much for joining us tonight for this very very special evening i would like to start off by thanking the united task force and the fraud dr fay zakaim for making sure to put this event together and all the members of the coalition that really give of themselves day and night to help claudius roll over 40 member agencies dedicated towards the importance of what we're about to discuss and many many other important areas that claustrol address on a regular basis i also want to thank tora mizora and patak for their help and participation in making this event uh possible very interesting topic that we were asked to put together and this event was actually asked by parents they're the ones that reached out and requested it and the reason why it's called riding the roller coaster of schools today is because that is what many of us are seeing but as we all know we all have to remain positive and we all have to understand that we have to be there for our children especially in these tumultuous times while it might be difficult we have to remember that our children learn from us and while it's very very difficult to be running homeschooling and sometimes two-family two-parent families that both have to work someone has to stay home we have to remember that at the end of the day it's for our children and as long as we keep that part in mind it'll make it much easier going forward and you know we get these calls a lot and you know when children hear parents complaining about it it makes for a very bad experience that the children have to have because they're the ones that have to be in school so it's extremely important to be positive about it now i speak as a parent i had the same situation i mean baruch hashem where i live has already switched out of being a red zone but it's the same issue there was a time that we were not sure what was going to be and we had to address it with our children my wife and i and explain what the problems are and this is the reality of the world we're living in today and one of the things that's really important is that we as parents cannot be scared to have these conversations with our children very often parents think that if they try to hide something or change something it's gonna have a different factor but we can't do that we have to remember that we're the parents we're here to help do what we can to give our children the best possible and tonight we have two people that are very well known in the world of chinook and education we have dr joel rosenschein whose resume spans many years of being involved in so many organizations psychology and really someone who's given his life for so many others and still does so as a senior member of the united task force as a person who parents and educators still reach out to so we're going to get to hear from him and we have rabbi david morgenstern or if i can be so bold and say rip divi someone who i also grew up with spent many years with who is the manal of the upper elementary school at yeshiva torah and is also one of the people in the leadership in the torah missouri program from an amazing project from torah sora and we're gonna have a great opportunity to hear from these two um what's also important is and i say this before we move on is as parents we need to have all the tools and all the skill sets available to us that we can remain calm during these trying times so i'd like to take this opportunity to state that the united task force had an amazing opportunity to partner with amudim and developed five videos in a series that can be seen at amudim.org forward slash relax amudhim.org forward slash relax and these were actually funded in part by the new york city council uh just to give techniques for parents to have when you feel times are tough we like to provide it so that's a big thank you to the united task force and what i would like to do now is i would like to turn over to rabbi david morgenstern and let's hear what he has to say good evening rabbi morgenstern how are you good evening sv good evening thank you very much and welcome once again especially yashikaya to dr zakhan for putting this all together for always being on the forefront of the incredible synergy and pulling together all of claudius earl's resources to help our children today you really uh you said a lot in your introduction i want to share with you a gemara in bava basra amid where the gemara says the following the gemara talks about apostle where the pasik says kayama hashem a shalom as the plastic moves along the pasik is progressing with what is more schwere with what is more difficult what is more kosher so it starts with sheriff a sword that comes to a city then it moves on to rav which is hunger and then worse than that is being taken into captivity using this your side swarm right that if we look at our tv venue in myer of each night we say sparkle please remove from us remove from us the oye of the enemy and then what's worse is devil which we are now for plague and even worse than plague is here and worse than kharev is wrath is famine and then it ends with viagoing when akarish barkhu please the hustler may elena yoga yagain is woe it's anguish it's sadness it's despair it's misery that the worst thing that we can have is to be miserable and sad that we can feel despair and that's really what the focus of tonight is all about we're turning to ourselves we're going through a very rough tekufa right now we have children that are off schedule we have unfortunately yidden and claudius royal have been nifter and others are sick and we are misfollowed that they should all have a reforeshalema teachers are out of sorts rebaem are out of sorts parents are out of sorts our children are out of sorts schedules are in upheaval schools are closed and we have so much going on and there's so much confusion how do we manage that on one hand it's very very sad what the parents are going through a person came to me this past chavez and he shared with me that his very wonderful sixth grader is no longer himself he's not motivated to learn he's not motivated to get on to whatever system it is that they're learning within his yeshiva and their siblings that are fighting and this is undue stress that's taking place in the house before sukis this year a number of children rebellion i heard this from a yeshiva that was using zoom i heard this from yeshiva that was using the telephones the children as they were leaving and there was some discussion of there may not be yeshiva after sukis and the kids that we happened to be on a zoom in yeshiva that was using zoom they said rebbe we are not getting onto zoom ever again that was their words and the kids in the other yeshiva where there was talk about the telephones they said rebbe we are not logging on to those telephones what's missing is the connection children want to connect with their educators they want to connect with their rebellion with the mephan in their lives with the morrows with their obeying and that is what was lacking during that this takufa of this long distance learning but how do we manage that how do we approach this there's a beautiful thought from the legendary mechanic the great resheshiva haravyakov bender who i have the privilege to serve under as a menal in the yeshiva by mitsrayam maisha banu said the leishma el maisha claude israel my surveillance is telling them there's going to be a gooloola their banished line is going to save them it says elisha maisha they didn't listen to myself from the the shortness of breath we may avoid the kasha and from the difficult work rabbit bandit says take a look arua shortness of breath inability to breathe and then avoid the kasha which could mean depression as well kitesuruak really it should say avoid the kasha first it was difficult work and that led to a shortness of breath so cesar by bender if a person is feeling if a person is feeling that things are not working out that there's a shortness of breath that this tsar that there's that things are difficult then everything and anything will be avoid the caution but when you're under control and you're in control and you're calm then nothing seems like a vitakasha a beautiful thought in how to view adversity parents and educators we need to be positive we need to be as much as positive as possible and there was a phone call that took place a few weeks ago there was a yeshiva that a number of boys had to quarantine and they had a conference call together with the heads of school and uh the parents and there was one parent that was railing at the yeshiva really upset the parent says we're embarrassed we our children were our child was exposed to to corona and now we have to quarantine and now we have to tell our sure it's such a [ __ ] for us what was going on over here and how could we met really going on and on and on and then there was one person on the call another parent in the class and this person said excuse me and this prayer says those that know me know that i never speak up but i'd like to share with you something my family he said we just went through three weeks of quarantine and i want to tell you we cherished every moment we cherished every minute he says it's all how you present it to your children and here was someone that went through and that silenced the other person and they heard very clearly that yes it can be overwhelming but how do you present it and how do you view it and how do you want to accomplish what you want to accomplish right now we are all being faced with our legacy of how will we look back at these times we can't write the script we can't say who is going into quarantine and who is getting sick and which school is open we can't control what happens but we can control how we react and it's very difficult the pressure is mounting but it's time to do a reset and to recognize that this is now our children and i look back at these times and we will look back at these times and we will have to reflect on what was the message that we gave can't we can control how we react and that is something our children will take with us some some points that need to be covered is that children are out of sorts so we need to give them some measure of stability whenever possible so some people might think that they have to structure the entire day that the entire day will need a huge amount bursts of stability some structure i tried to reach in the height of the epidemic i tried to reach a friend of mine and i called a very important person and i called him and i called him but he usually picks up the phone so he answered two hours later he gets back to me i said what happened he says don't you know tuesday night is game night this is in the pandemic all the kids they played a game that everyone of all the ages was able to play and he says we don't stop that for anything he had a vision he had a mission he said how are we going to get through this and it made it right among his kids they saw that despite the hardships they were looking to have enjoyable time together you know also we have to explain to our children it's okay not to know it's okay not to know what's gonna be when will our schools open when will the schools are when will we be able to go back to normal we don't know but that's okay and somehow we have to understand the child's experience we have to validate them and we have to try to put ourselves in their shoes and view things through their eyes they're not getting together with their friends if the school is closed and how difficult this is for them validate communicate spend time with our children but how are we doing anyone that's ever tried to feed a bottle to a baby knows that when we're a bundle of nerves i don't think i've done that too often but when we're a bomb a bundle of nerves and we have something where we have to go we have to take care of something the baby feels it and the baby cries the baby is not calm what we need to do is we need to take care of ourselves in order to help our children we will hear from dr rosenshine a little later some very practical good practical tips on this the toner a couple once came to him and they were they were having guilt if they should take they needed a vacation for all the right reasons and they still felt guilty can they leave their children the children would have been taken care of very respectfully very responsibly but they said we need a break the tone of rabbit with this said if the father will begin then they will be able to take care of and the children will be healthy as well those of us we it's been a while that i've been on a plane but we all remember that announcement that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure oxygen masks will automatically descend from the ceiling grab and if grab the mask and pull it over your face if you have a child that's traveling with you secure your mask first and then assist them with theirs that doesn't sound the way we do things we take care of our children why would we take care of ourselves first i think we all now understand that in order for us to be proper caregivers we have to have a proper mindset we have to be in a situation that we are calm and stable and our children feed off of that during hurricane sandy a family shared with me that they were in muncie no power no electricity before they had a generator just a couple of candles giving light and whatever heat so no microwave the mother went ahead and said okay kids they huddled around the kitchen table says let me show you something and she poured some oil into a pot and she said let me show you how to make popcorn popcorn the microwave doesn't work ma this is how we used to make popcorn actually put the oil no popcorn maker and she put the oil in and she went ahead and she and the kids still talking about it today how they played a game how during that very dark time they learned about making popcorn and fond memories were made our children feed off of us and as there's so much stuff going on in the house as there's so much sibling fighting we find ourselves in a very difficult situation the great mechanices represent leia trink welcome the wife of the great the master great sonic group dubbed frank she is an expert in parenting and the couple once came to her and they shared with her the problems that they were going through and they said our son he's a monster he's a terror he's tearing up the family and he's starting up with his siblings and they went on and on and on about how difficult and it was a very very difficult situation mrs trunk let them talk and then mrs strength said can i ask you to please step outside for two minutes i'll call you back in two minutes they came back inside and mrs trang said okay i'd like you now to imagine that i am a head counselor of a camp here in lakewood and i have one slot left and there are 50 applicants and you want to get your child your son into this camp what would you say says my son our son he's incredible he's responsible he's geshmach he's talented he get and they went on and on talking about the beauty of their son and she said okay you didn't say any of those things to me before when you came in here and due to all the things going on i wonder if you're even telling that to your child we need to make sure that we're not looking at our children only in this disciplinary role we have to take a step back and remember the beauty of our children and remember who they are but not for the actions that's going on right now in the home there's a in last week's parsha i heard this from this shot from rebelliezer braun who is an expert rebbe that works in the resource room in dakita pasik wasn't able to have maniac to rest so nayak stuck his hand out of the tavern the bird was very aye for was very tired and nayach was understood this he says maybe the bird ain't doesn't have the ability to fly any further and the bird of a tipo maya will fall into the water so therefore nayak sent out his hand of the and he brought the the jaina back in so rabbi bruin says how far did he extend his hand how far was nayak's reach a foot two feet how far did his arm reach rabbi brown says it must be that the shot in the archim is that when the the yaina felt that there was somebody reaching out that jaina was carrying and there was someone rooting for that bird that gave the yana the ability and the strength to fly home and that's what we can do with our children when they feel that we are looking out for them and rooting for them of course we are but they need to hear the language they need to feel it they need to see it was of may islam it's and there's a story about him that when he was between marriages he had three little children in his home and he was going through a very rough time so he went to his rebbe the great guy in ramaisha feinstein and he traveled to the lower east side and he couldn't get in he saw the rabbits in there was a dentira something was going on and the rabbits were noticing but it was just not possible to get to her maisha that night ezra bisladowicz was trying to put those children to sleep three little kids running around bedtime was not going well it was a snowstorm and he hears a knock on the door and there lo and behold was the paisa khadar ravisha feinstein came to his door and rav maisha came in and ramaisha helped him tuck in each of those kids and put them to sleep how much my share got from that visit by ramaisha the feeling that ramaisha cared the feeling that rabbisha was looking out for him and that is something that everyone benefits from when they feel that someone is caring for them during this time reach out to someone call someone call a friend cheer them up tell them you're thinking about them it'll go a long way and you know what when you cheer up somebody else it will cheer you up as well and remember that the children the way we react that's how they react they hear us fetching they're going to fetch too we need to remember that we are on stage and we need to help our children and we need to stabilize ourselves and bring our stability into their lives with a little bit of structure and a lot of positivity see the positive in our children and make sure we express it this past shabbos i had the opportunity to darwin by ravin yaman khong in flatbush and he told over the following marshall there were three soldiers that were at the front bullets were flying and two of the soldiers were standing with their rifles behind behind protection and they were shooting back at the enemy and there was one guy he was just on his cell phone and he says you know it's pretty serious here i'm on the front and there's a lot going on this is really dangerous one of the soldiers with the rifle hey buddy hey would you put down your phone stop talking pick up a rifle and join the fight and his message was stop talking about it pick up a safer do something and he said i'm that buddy calling out to you our children are hearing us and they're watching us we have to do not just talk about what's going on but we need to do something for claudius if the family together can say capital to helen each one their own capital do something for classroom not just to talk about it and another thing we need to do because our children are watching and they're learning from us is we need to be respectful there's a lot a lot of energy and a lot of emotion yes mask no mask antibodies no antibodies this open close we need to be respectful of everyone's position and the children will learn from that and that is something that we can give them that will define how we react and that will be part of the legacy when they look back at this time so tonight's talk was called riding the roller coaster of schooling today a roller coaster is something that has dips and turns you think you're going one way and then there's a sudden drop my son always says to me he says i don't understand why people wait online for an hour or two to go on a roller coaster just to get nauseous but that's not for now but here the roller coaster you think you're going this way you think you're going that way and then it drops but people go on roller coasters because when we get on a roller coaster the harness gets into place there's that safety bar there's that security and there's that seat belt and we know with that that despite whatever happens we will be okay we need to convey this to our children we have a harness we are biad hashem and whatever happens we are totally totally biad hashem and he is taking care of us thank you thank you very very much rabbi morgenstern for those really beautiful words and you know it reminds me you know as we talk about the importance of parenting and where the parents position is so i remember hearing when i was learning in muncie by rebecca radinski there was a whole discussion about an entire generation that after the war was trying to rebuild claudia's role and then many people you know ended up going to different angles and there was a term that was very often used back then and that term was evie oh how difficult it is to be a jew and with that negativity the message that was given to the next generation was unfortunately one that was carried on our job as parents is to continue to increase the positivity whether it's going to be schooling by phone schooling by zoom different types of settings we have to be there and be a positive reinforcement for our children and make sure that we can make the best of these situations i would like now to please honor and introduce dr joel rosenschein a legend in the field so we can hear from him before we switch to the q a dr rosenstein thank you thank you very much bye-bye morgan stern united task force for giving me this opportunity to tell you all the things i don't know because none of us really know if we think we know we're fooling ourselves whether it's the psychologists the rebellion the parents we're all in this together before i agreed to go and speak to you and give you all these answers i decided to get a ride with a friend of mine semarch glenn who was going to visit rabsmul kaminetsky and i asked rap smurel what should we talk about how do we start a conversation how do we get the parents and the mechanic and everybody on the same page rab smule's answer was shalom shalom shalom we all have to work together we know there are different opinions we know there are different views of what we're supposed to be doing and what we're not supposed to be doing that leads to all kinds of discussions which are okay but arguments no how do we bring shalom between parents between the parents and the children the parents on the neighbors and the neighbors maybe this is the opportunity to make up with every person you wanted to make up the last few western sonos in yom kippur's and you didn't do it yet now is the time to do it we don't come tonight to give you all answers because if i said i knew all the answers you would all be laughing at me just a few suggestions about how to get through the day how to work along with everybody in these terrible and difficult times you know it's an amazing thing most of us go over the parsha and this week we're reading did anybody ever stop and think what did avrom think hashem says where am i going reminder somehow he doesn't ask the question he doesn't even tell him the name of the country how did i rum do this how did our room accept this we are living you'll excuse me in the flesh parts of america and we have some problems today we definitely have some problems how does that compare if the ibanez linum comes down tomorrow and tells all of us get out of your homes i know you're all waiting to go there which is wrong we'll talk about that but we don't want to land up in the mahabharat waiting for a place to put our heads and everest israel we don't even think about that but listen we're going to read the parsha this week so if you keep this thought in your mind and you begin to think like this then you'll be able to get through the day or the days that we're facing which are so difficult there are they are difficult nobody can say they are not we are facing many issues in the day but if we just think the bundesligh isn't telling me to leave america yet we want to stay in america some of us some of us are going taka some are going to muncie some are going to the mountains some are going to the long island so it's not a red zone that's okay however even that presents all kinds of difficulties only with flexibility can we begin to function on a daily basis so i'm going to discuss a few hints to get through the day and one of the most important things for myself for my family was as soon as this thing started to keep a schedule i happened to be an early riser i did not change one minute of that early rising even though we were locked up for three months i managed to keep my schedule why because i knew that my schedule would keep me somewhat normal every one of us has a different schedule whatever that is try to keep it try to make it more flexible try to work with it but at least have a schedule write it down if you have to it may get destroyed during the day it probably will you may have to go pick up some kids from some place that just got closed or whatever went on there however have the beginning of a schedule the beginning to work with this when you have this kind of a schedule then you have to have a lot of flexibility in the schedule we know things will begin to happen during the day but remember when you lose it the kids lose it they are looking to us as parents to us as much to us as principals to get us through this terrible situation and some of the kids say things that upset us no question about it some of them are very wise some of them are very scared we have to show them that we can handle this and when we do lose it and we will that's not the end of the world the end of the world is if you don't say sorry kids i lost it let's get back together being able to say that to your children gives you respect in their eyes not the opposite when you make a mistake acknowledge your mistake and we'll move on but it also presents a lot of good opportunities you know some of the mothers used to bake with their daughters or teach them how to bake some of the kids used to learn how to cook you know maybe there's a time to make a cooking class sometime during the day oh dr rosenstein you're being ridiculous cookie class i can hardly get through the day but if you bring that in as a possibility the kids will feel relaxed it could be a half hour of the day it could be an hour depending on the day depending what's going on but they'll look back at this as an opportunity wow mommy and i are baking together daddy and i are learning how to cook together or maybe if you do happen to have a home that allows it when doing a little uh marshmallow cookout in the back whatever it is that you can create to give the kids some relaxation and all of this tumult the tumult is not going away too fast but just keep thinking about this one of the things i've taught people for the last couple of years and i teach myself is to say a very important puzzle which we all recognize but how many of us really think about it ha coral b deja destroying quits me what does it mean how cold be this you can say that god runs the world we know god runs the world and we don't believe it look look he gave us this virus he brings us a second roll the third roll of it we know he runs the world but well how many of us are ready to admit that we have a little fender bender it's not an accident nothing is an accident we have a challenge here it's not an accident whether we've managed to learn as angry because we were talking in jewel whether he's angry because we weren't talking with kavanaugh whether he wasn't angry at us he really was angry at the chinese but we happened to get it over the head we don't know the reminders of them's thoughts but certainly we have to say how kobe de chameleon what's the year well how do we do this quit smearing so when you're really beginning to lose it sit down on a chair most comfortable chair you have not one of those leaning back ones that i love to sit in well a regular chair like i'm sitting in now put your arms on your two sides hold the chair very tight stiffen your entire body i'm doing it right now if you can see me close your eyes and say to yourself i'm going to relax my right arm starting with my pinky and then my fourth finger and slowly do your whole arm and then your left arm and then your leg and you will feel take a deep breath and you will feel relaxed and then you will say okay i feel better now you can do this five six times a day another idea that everyone's going to laugh at but it's not a bad idea you know when i and my robertson wren tyrich's royal at the beginning many years ago everything in your shallow used to close from one to three all the stores closed everything was shut down siesta time you know maybe it's time to put in a 20 minute a half hour siesta time i know the kids don't want to go to sleep what are you talking about you have nuts well don't forget erif pesach he tried to put them to sleep and you get sedimented those off they don't have to sleep but everybody will take time out especially when things are getting really rough they came home from wherever they were if they were on zoom if they were with the rebbe or they weren't or the things turned out wrong and now let's all take a 20 minute a half hour nap yes some of them will resist it some of them will laugh at it but you can build it into the schedule and slowly but surely the children will accept it and they will see it as a time to really get back together and certainly the mothers and the fathers who are struggling through the day will also getting back to different ideas to bring in some of our children would have loved to learn to play the guitar to learn to play around the piano we have in the house this may be a time to build in some music time during the day with every music you life whether it's everyone free whether it's some of the newer guys whatever it is bring music into the house after the learning time is over and there is time for relaxation play some music it doesn't have to be classical music like some of us love but it can be some jewish music and some of the girls may want to dance with mommy you make a little dance wow mommy we can dance but that world is falling apart right now we are dancing right now we are not falling apart right now we're working together to bring relaxation into our home and into our minds these little hints can go a long way also every hour on the hour we have a three minute relaxation time no matter what we're doing three minutes if you can do the longer ones fine if you can't do the three minutes a very important topic which i discussed with many parents and i get very upset about it yes some of us can afford maids once a week twice a week children have not learned anymore to make their own beds they haven't learned to put away the laundry they haven't learned that they can do stuff in the house mommy say oh it's easier for me to do it myself that the fight would do well maybe now is the time to say to all the kids look there's a lot going on i want everybody to take care of their beds in the morning and it doesn't have to be a perfect bed how many people go up into the bedrooms to examine your bedrooms just tell the children to put the blanket on put the pillow on straight make it easy when you do the laundry you give them their pile they have to put it away don't have to check on them don't make it into a monitoring but however if they do a good job you'll give them a reward whatever that reward may be children love rewards one of the most important principles of education which is necessary for everybody even for people who are over 70 and 80. reward works better than punishment you gotta start with reward if you're going to build in any one of these systems i'm talking about the children have to hear that you appreciate it whether it's a little extra candy you can even bribe them with a quarter you know people say i'm telling you to bribe my child to behave no we all work for money money runs the world let's be honest children get a 25 cent reward they will move on it stop feeling that it's a bribe those of you who went and learned about thorndike the pavlovian dog should remember that then when that dog learned how to um salivate over the piece of meat if you don't remember it look it up if you don't know about it just put it on your i don't know everybody googles today it's us if it's or whatever go on look up what pavlov taught us with that dog it's true for everybody from day one when the child is born he needs the reward of his mommy or she needs the rewards of mommy and it's true till death do us part use that it's very very important i heard rabbi mansour and he said you know you will expect me to talk about this about this part of the parachute i'm going to talk about the fish the fish what about the fish well we all eat fish on the sabbath so why do we eat fish on sabbath very good custard why are you all eating fish it's not brought in the mahabharata it's not born in the rama the morgan avraham mentions it and the mishna brewer mentions it where did this come from and why are the fish getting the reward they were eating them on shabbos as part of the big mitzvah well what was different about the fish in the marble the difference was that they were under this ocean and none of them died and they were hidden from the whole trouble the animals everybody knows they became like the people they did just like the people but the fish did not they were hidden and therefore they got rewarded that that became part of the misfire of shabbos said rabbi mansour and there's some rashers that indicate some of this if we can learn to be the fish in the sea who are doing our job in our own homes together with our obeying who are also suffering from this whole thing believe me there obey him are having a very difficult time and the teachers are having a difficult time together with the children of course the children expect to obey him to always be laughing and we know there are certain rebellion who will always be able to handle it and other than are thresher from their homes from everything mommy daddy remember this they're also suffering they're also having problems so cooperate with them with all you can follow the leads of your schools different schools they tell you tomorrow is this next week is that this became a red zone that became a purple zone that whatever zone it is it's the rabbinic shalem zone work with the people work with whoever you have to work in order to bring peace and so we get out of this i have a lot to say but i'm getting a signal here that i have only two minutes left i want to buy another hour of time to get through the time here okay if you can live if you live somewhere where you can take a little drive go down to some water what i did during the first two three months and we were so locked up is i got in my car and i drove down to the bay where i drove down to the ocean and sat there for a half hour and relaxed the water is very relaxing just an idea it may not work for you something else may work maybe just putting the kids on the swings if you have them in the back for 10 minutes works depending upon the weather but always make relaxation times go shopping when you can now we i think most of us know how to wear the masks and go shopping so give this as a reward to the kids let them pick up something you could spend a dollar all the people you could spend ten dollars don't go crazy don't go spending all the money and make a make your husband's angry just do a little bit and get and get the thing rolling children need to know that mommy and daddy are in command they need to know that when you're confused you explain to them why you're confused don't be afraid to talk to her the question i've been asked all the 70 years 60 years of my practice is if somebody dies in the family or grandma or grandpa should we take them to the funeral the child children are eight nine years old even seven depending upon their level and you don't take them to the funeral they think they did something wrong they think they didn't give respect about the grandma grandpa and they become guilty they have to go there they have to be part of the feeling of what's happening in the family if we're sitting available we have to explain it to them we are all a little bit nervous available whether it's in our own family whether it's in somebody we know you know my children fight with me because they say you're only a grandpa you can't invite everybody to the weddings like you used to be the father and mother one of my sons called me up and said daddy there's no more fighting going on because you lost half your friends it was true i really did and every day i think about them and i think that they're missing some of them live in my neighborhood and of course we have a villas from that i can get into it crying about any one of them immediately but we have to pull together this was also part of hashem's plan for whatever reason and we have to accept it thank god we heard today i hope it's true abraham kanievsky got through it and he's okay and he came back hashem and we know we're gonna face a lot more pain in the healthier whatever it is that we still have to go through this but remember we have fish swimming under the sea and we will get through this because we're hidden because we have others israel and because our kobe deja mayan puts me here thank you for listening thank you very much dr rosenstein for those beautiful words and rabbi morgan stern and i think the key thing that we need to always remember is that everything can be a teachable moment the times are tough that's the reality it's what we make of it that is what is going to be what our children will keep with them forever so it's our job to make the best of it listen to what the great doctor said play board games with your kids do other interesting things whatever it takes but let's make sure to be there together okay so we have questions coming in uh the first question is for dr rosenschein dr rosenschein how do i plan my own obligations when i have no clue if i'll have my six kids home with me or not well as i said flexibility it could start off that three of them are home and three are not home and it could all switch we know there are schools that are completely closed and they got opened up all of a sudden certain zones i understand teruvadas turatamima because they're in the right zone got opened up i hope it's correct so thank god the others are still stuck home we explain it to the children and we wait for the other schools to open up we're living in a time of a pandemic remember i didn't want to say this before because a lot of people say well thank god we forgot about the holocaust what are we facing as compared to what our grandparents faced those of us who lost everything you know i'm not called a child of the holocaust because my parents were here from 25 but i lost everybody except one cousin two cousins and we forget about what they went through and here we are facing this pandemic it's difficult we have to step up to it like our grandparents stepped up to it whether they knew where they were going to end up or they didn't know and that's the key and you have to plan sometimes you have to call a neighbor ask for some advice something you have to call one of our 40 agencies part of the united task force we are there for you we have all these agencies ready to help you if you really get stuck make a call find out who to call and you'll get some telephone advice we are here for you 24 7 literally thank you rabbi morgenstern i think the doctor said it all but if i could just take a phrase that i heard from a great teacher he said you need to be rigidly flexible that's what you got to be rigid about your flexibility and with that flexibility you'll be able to survive all right so i actually heard a cute phrase to add to that called controlled chaos you got to do the best you can to control it but it's still chaotic okay question for rabbi morgenstern how do i cope with the roller coaster of different zoom school zoom school schedules for multiple kids at the same time just a note on zoom as uh when you're speaking to somebody one of the things you like is you like to see the feedback you see the facial expressions tonight i'm speaking to a screen and i don't see any facial expressions of anyone that's listening and watching dr rosenstein touched on the fact that the rebellion the murderers the teachers who have been heroes through this entire crisis are going through something that they've never experienced they didn't train for this they never wanted this as much as you didn't want your children home they want their children in the classroom they have their own children at home and here it is in a classroom the rebbe the maura looks at a child and when they ask a question when they teach and the eyes light up and you get that feedback and you have that connection a rebbe shared with me today that he's wearing a mask and he says the difficult of the difficulty of his situation is there's so much non-verbal communication that takes place in a classroom where you can have real conversations with a child without saying a single word and the mask is interfering with that so the zoom schedules the rebaim are suffering the murders are suffering because they're not getting that interaction with their talmudim and tomidos and we have to bear that in mind that they are suffering too they're incredible that they keep at it but you as a parent with your zoom schedules try your best and don't get into fights over it is the time it's not the time that stress will will do more harm than whatever they can gain in those lessons it's difficult and it's hard to manage you try your best and you see what's legitimately feasible for your house with your situation some homes they have children that are able to go into different clint into different rooms with a desk and headphones and everything's quiet everything's wonderful other homes are it's they're all sitting in one room with their headphones and there's interaction you got to do what works best for you and remember that the stability in your home and the harmony in your home is more important than whatever they're going to be learning thank you very much dr rosenstein would you like to add to that well i just thought of something else which i didn't mention before some children would like to keep a diary of this time if they keep a diary they may become authors when they become older the history that we're living through is going to be something very important so i would encourage children first of all they're writing which is very good for them they can make little notes they can keep it a secret for mommy make it into a good exercise i think children would like that very much so go out and buy a few diary books and give them each a present thank you for that advice doc okay the next question is for dr rosenstein how do i sleep at night not knowing if my child is going to have school the next day or not well first of all know one thing we all know this if you don't sleep at night you're going to be a wreck tomorrow so how will you help the kids so dealing with anxiety putting anxiety out of your head so you can fall asleep is very very important if you need to count the sheep so count the sheep if you need to take some mild very mild whatever they sell over the counter no drugs of any type to help you fall asleep do that but you must fall asleep or you will not be able to be a mother or a father the next day number one number two if you do have a bad night we already addressed that you will have to take a real siesta you'll have to get your neighbor maybe to cover for you and then you'll cover for her or for him or you'll figure it out maybe you will be able to have a grandma in the neighborhood who's not afraid of covert had it already and help you out or maybe you'll even have to call in a high school girl to watch the kids for a while if you can if she is safe do whatever you got to do but you have to sleep because otherwise you will not be able to go through the day thank you very much for that wonderful answer okay um the next question coming in is for rabbi morgenstern okay and this is actually a question that i must say i personally um had to address but i'd love to hear your answer who's gonna let you answer it oh no i this that's why you're the expert i i get to moderate um how do i explain to my son that he has to go to school when my daughter gets to stay home because her school is closed or vice versa and i'm going to add to that question it doesn't really have to be son and daughter because as in my case i have you know my high school son was able to go to school in my elementary school uh children possibly not so how do we explain that to our kids rabbi good question you know uh life i'm hoping the kids want to go to yeshiva not you know other times you have a famous variation of this is you know someone has four daughters and one son or two sons and and they all say hey how come the girls get to stay home on sunday and we have to go to yeshiva but i think that's changed bar hashem everybody wants to get back to school get back to yeshiva so i think that's that's bar hashem something good that's come out of this you know that there's a life's lesson here see you mentioned the teachable moments there's a life lesson here that we should all be uh here's a great chance to teach that that fair and equal is not the same we're not equal we're not always getting the same as we get older and we see not everyone has the same job not everyone has the same pay we're not equal but it's fair this one has this job this one has his responsibilities this one has his responsibilities and her responsibilities and that's how it works we would love give us a heavy dose of empathy you would love for the child to be able to return to yeshiva you would you feel so bad that they're not together with their rebbe or their mother with their friends and having that interaction that they're craving but this is how as the rabbi shalom has it worked out and it's not always going to be equal which is something we need to teach our children for the rest of their lives rabbi i'm about to ask you if you'd like to answer that many times as a special educator we're faced with the problem of telling a parent this is what you have to do for the special child and the parent says what about my other children they don't agree that these children this child would get more rewards than them and i always told them and nobody ever came back and said i was wrong yet that the brothers and sisters know this is a special child and they know what he or she needs for them to grow and become fully workable as a child the same thing goes here now too you have to explain to the children who are going to school who say why i want to stay home or the ones who are saying the opposite why it's working this way or that way full information the more information they have the more comfortable they will be and it goes back to what i was talking about when god forbid a grandparent dies etc you talk to the children based on their educational their age and their educational level up to their level and a very important point i forgot to mention before never give more information that a child is asking so if a child asks a question you give a minimum answer they ask you more you give more whatever the topic is you keep going as long as they keep asking if they stop then you stop also it's a very important rule in dealing with children who are asking questions which you really don't know if you should answer thank you very much okay the next question is for dr rosenschein dr rosenschein i'm embarrassed to admit it but with all the stress that's going on i find myself sneaking drinks in the middle of the day what advice can you give me throw the bottles out of the house immediately and the next time you take a drink call me so i can tell you to throw it away get a partner that's the basis of how we work with all addictions that's the basis of the 12 steps you need a partner who will watch you and that's how you get rid of that situation it's most important and you can it at the beginning just control yourself rabbi morgenstern would you like to pipe in on that answer you could say no that's fine throw it out throw it out it's just it starts as one little drink and it spirals out of control no one ever started by drinking an entire bottle it starts with one little sip i must add something if i may rabbi many many years ago when i was in practice in borough park one of the most famous rebbies sent me a man who i happen to have known very well from a different point of view whose wife threw him out because he was an alcoholic and the rebbe asked me to help him the rebbe got him a place to live and the rebbe got him a make-do job and i was working with him psychologically and thank god after three four months we got him back to his family and we got him back to a real job etc a year later i was a very young psychologist and he called me and said what should i do about the seder that's coming up in terms of wine and grape juice and i made a terrible mistake i told him that he can drink a drop of the abacus for each coast check with your rabbi what's the minimum and i was totally wrong he went down the tube again and we had to redo the entire process [Music] i never forgot that terrible experience the learning process so you can take a little sip a little sip becomes a big step once you are in that program you must have a partner and you must get rid of everything out of your house and without that partner the yate sahara will beat you thank you very much dr rosenschein i'm just going to add to that as well because this is something that we deal with on a daily basis at work by a mudim is that the number one key is if you notice it early on seek help wherever it may come from like dr rosenschein said either find a partner or be able to uh get yourself to a therapist or do whatever it takes okay we have a few questions left i know that see the time is running out um the next question is for rabbi morgenstern um my children are friends with the neighbor's children and my child's school is in the red zone so she can my five-year-old cannot go to school however the other neighbors in our building attend a school that's in an orange or yellow zone and it is very difficult for my daughter and she is really having a very tough time not understanding why she can't go to school when her friends are all going what is it that i should be telling her this is uh very similar to the other theme that we spoke about before about that not everyone is going to get the same thing in life is that once again that fair is not equal but you have to help your daughter help her and feel you should be empathetic to let her know that you too feel bad that she's not able to attend school see do you hear what we're saying we're living through times where kids are feeling bad that they're not yeshiva yeah by the way i have to say as an expert on education because as you know and dr rosenstein knows i think i went to more schools than anybody we know i think a total of 18 between elementary and high school um this is an amazing time when my kids are begging me to go to school so rabbi morgenstern i gotta tell you it's unbelievable let's just tap into that and focus on how positive it is and how wonderful it is and point out to your child how beautiful it is that she wants to attend and she wants to be back with everyone and you're looking forward and you're davening as well that emits hashem red should go to yellow the abrasives should bring you yeshua and that she should be able to once again be in school be with her friends learning tyra and doing what we used to take for granted what we used to call normal dr rosenstein would you like to answer that question before we move on well i got a very good answer switch schools get it just kidding around a little humor to get me through the day better than a little drink right absolutely okay the next question is for um dr rosenshine this is an interesting one also you know when there were occasional snow days doctor we used to look forward to having drinks hot cocoa with our kids play in the snow family bonding however now with covid19 as a mother i dread the day when the email comes and they're telling me they won't be school tomorrow or like we just had recently where my child's class is quarantined so everyone else is there i don't feel that family fun bonding time i dread having my children at home and i'm starving to have very i'm starting to have very negative feelings towards them please help me what can i do it sounds to me like this is a person who should be taking advantage of our offer to get herself or himself to a clinician talk about these feelings if these feelings continue then it's going to be a very big disaster for the whole family it's very hard to answer it in general because it's an individual feeling it's normal but this person may need help to talk about it and talk it down you can do this on the zooms you can do it on you can do it on a telephone all of us are available and if they have trouble with the financing of it please call and we'll arrange it for them somewhere okay and this is the last uh question for the evening before we close out this is for rabbi morgenstern during this time we all know that routine has gone out the window as a rebbe how much do we let our child get away with not doing their homework wanting to stay up late not wanting to stop playing a game it's just as hard on them as it is on us and many kids don't even remember what routine is anymore my daughter is eight and i feel that there's a lot of tension as i'm trying to get her to stay indoors go to bed be prepared but i'm thinking maybe i shouldn't what do you feel as a rebbe is the right thing for me to do little bursts of structure don't fight it's not worth the fight because at the end of the day you're gonna just just gonna remember the stress and the fighting that doesn't mean we let our kids be heifer we have parents have to be in control of the home but pick your battles and make it manageable and find areas where you can and have this if it's an older child you have the discussion these are the parameters don't talk about bedtime at bedtime let them know in advance what your expectations are let them know what the routine is that you're expecting at night that by this and this time the game will be shut by this and this time showers will be done and it's time for bed but on the other hand with the no fighting it's okay to have a late night once in a while it's okay to turn this into fun time homework a little bit they haven't done schoolwork really since march a little bit at a time little steps little increments little bursts and slowly slowly establish that little bit of structure and you'll be able to build on that many years ago a woman came to me she had three children an eight-year-old a six-year-old and a three-year-old and they were all bedwetting and she didn't know what to do i happened to ask her what their bedtimes were and she told me well i try to get everybody in bed all together at six o'clock i said young lady do me a favor do not pay me for this session go home and spread the bath times have your oldest daughter the latest the next one and then the baby of course the earliest and come back next week and let's see what happens she came back next week and she said how much money do you want i'll give you anything you want it worked it's unbelievable because just because i separated the best time i gave everybody their due and the two oldest ones stopped the bed ready make it bedtime not bad time right oh very same thing applies here you can switch nice by the way if you have two kids who are pretty close in age but give everyone a different bedtime so that they have a 10 minutes or 15 minutes by the way husbands and wives 15 minutes let the wife talk about her day just listen to her don't give her advice listen if you give her those 15 minutes she will sleep at night and she will be ready for the next day most important dr rosenstein i appreciate that except my wife is watching this and now you're going to get me into trouble no i'm not you have to give up 15 minutes i don't know i'm going to try um i really want to take this opportunity and thank everybody for joining this evening and i'm gonna spell out the website www.unitedtaskforce.org again that's www.united you will see a listing of all the member agencies uh in pretty much all of the five boroughs and many of us will help people even if they're calling from anywhere in the world it doesn't matter where to help each other we all have to take these lessons that we heard tonight and really internalize them and the way i'm gonna take this as a parent is understanding that this is just as hard on my children as as it is on me these are uncertain times for everybody we have to confront it realistically we have to give our children the chance to be children and most important we have to take all the lessons learned tonight and make them teachable moments so that our children can grow from this and while these times will never be forgotten in history but at least they will be looked at as the good times and not the bad times with that i wish everybody hatslacho dr rosenschein said it best in the beginning anyone that says they have the answers doesn't we're all trying our best may we all be zaika to see the end of this pandemic very soon and maybe to get ourselves back into a normal routine and to be able to see the google thank you all very much and have an amazing night sleep tight very nice