Raising Healthy Children in an Unhealthy World

[Music] alrighty everybody welcome back to unite to heal what an amazing organization amudim is what an amazing opportunity for us to come together in support of everything that they do in the Jewish Community they are the ones who deal with some of the biggest challenges and the most important challenges of the day uh victim of of abuse addiction mental health issues and anxiety suicidality you name it all the most difficult situations in the Jewish Community often make their ways to the doorsteps of amudim who have such an incredible team of talented and professional staff ready at 24 hours a day seven days a week 365 days a year and we are here today today to be part of this uh unite to heel to be able to give them the support they need to do what they're going to do so first of all yessi I want to thank you for coming on today and uh we're going to do this little segment here called raising healthy children in an unhealthy world and uh definitely both parts of that are true we're trying to raise healthy children the world is not healthy at all before we get started give us a little bit of background tell us about how you got here that you're the guy we call when we have problems with unhealthy uh world and children I first of all I'm I'm so happy to be here if for no I obviously supporting amudam is is always an honor but uh uh just to be able to speak to RBI bam I I you know it's it's been so it's been so long it's too long we tend to only be able to see and speak to each other when somebody's listening or recording us it's we have to be able to do this at some time where no one's list call back to the D home at some point you got to get to the dut backyard for a barbecue that's what we got to do um so um like I said my name is asan I uh I work in many different fields within uh the Jewish Community I uh teach in a high school high school I uh my main uh starting point with everything was when I was living in arur I became a KAC certified alcohol and substance abuse counselor and um I did that because I was working already in a uh rehab as a uh um we'll call it an interventionist um in Israel they had a little bit of different terms than they have here and um and I just I I immediately uh fell in love with the uh work um I tell a lot of people who contact me uh Young people contact me ask me like what road I took what degrees I got so I took a very weird road to get to uh working with people and I don't suggest it for anyone you know go get a degree go become a therapist go become something and then you know but uh through being a rebi through uh working in the right programs with the right people um I was uh uh a lot of the certain trust within uh the Jewish community and ranam and therapists and now I get to do training for ranam and therapists and a many different people about Crisis Intervention mainly mainly uh um around family crisis uh teenagers I didn't know that you train raban therapists yeah yeah yeah I've done I've done quite a few already it's one this is one of the things it's like a bunch of little things U mainly most of my day is answering emails and taking phone calls it's like 99% of my day I think and that's just from my wife in in and then I do for like C right okay sounds like a lot of fun I like also answering emails from time to time okay um uh how many years are you doing this how many years are you working with various people at risk in different situations so it's an interesting thing when I was in high school um it's a little bit shocking to hear but I I like to I like when people are are straight up about what they believe they are as opposed to so you can have someone who's an artist or someone who's uh musician or someone who's uh my wife is a singer songwriter and it took her years to say those words I am a singer songwriter um before that it was always I play a little bit of this and I I write sometimes a little bit so I like to I like when people are are straightforward about it because when you put it out there it becomes a lot more of what you are um I I more or less started when I was like 16 17 um I uh I was in Dar and uh uh the high school and robbi Bender had given me a few boys to learn with and that's how I started uh you know they were uh kids who were then I guess in eth grade uh a little bit of troubled backgrounds little bit of troubled life and that's really how I started that's how I and then when I was in Israel is when I officially started working as that so I was uh I'm going to give ages over here but it's been about uh 20 years now uh 20 years I've been uh yeah so okay 20 20 20 or over well yeah I'm I'm thinking it's I was thinking 25 but okay yeah something like 20 maybe a little bit I'm just calculating how old I am right how old I'm just trying to calculate all the all of our mutual friends and okay exactly that's what I'm saying I I it could be 20 it could be 25 but I'm only 30 so I don't know I don't know how that went okay let's get down to some questions over here so like this in the in the Torah when talks about creating man in bous in Genesis chapter one verse 26 Hashem says let us create man in our image and of course Rashi says even though no one helped God make man and when people When God says let us make man it can make it can leave room for people to make a mistake and say there were many people involved there's not just one God the did not hold itself back from teaching The Way of the World the way you should be the proper way of living trait of humility that a even a great person should ask from other people before making a big decision a little person should make questions from a big person so hasm is showing if even I God asks so to speak from my malim hey let's do this what do you guys think then for sure all of us who are not great should be asking a lot I think there's two points that I really feel are strong from this number one the idea that we when it comes to raising children the last thing you should be uncomfortable with is asking questions right when God is creating Humanity God says I'm going to show you look let's let's do this how are we going to do this so to speak as if God is and he's mapping out the model for us he's saying nobody ever comes with an instruction manual and ask a lot of questions and I think that's such an important message in general for today's parents ask questions ask away ask R ask therapist ask anybody you can who might give you insight and help and second of all then Hashem is maybe showing us Nas it it's it takes a village to make a person it really takes a lot so it takes parents a r a school a community proper friends it takes so much to nasam to make a person so today we have many parents and they're just trying to nasam they're trying to make a healthy person growing healthy stable normal in a world that is just so incredibly on off-kilter and unhealthy and an an upside down world so let's let me ask you the first question what do you think are the three most important ingredients to being nasam to making a healthy human first just give us one two three and then we'll go into each one so go for it all right so I actually first I just want to say un like perfect perfect Rashi perfect PK to open with are you a professional perfect perfect perfect that that is that is it and I and I've always said on that Rashi and on that PK that obviously nothing in the T no is that reminder nothing in the ter is a mistake nothing in the ter and um one of the classes I used to give in I do here in high school also is the ability to take is teaching my guys the ability to take any rashies specifically Rashi my re one of my re rash Rin always used to do this Rashi and gamar take any Rashi and and the simplest of Rashi and say uh I used to say he used to say it's a joke because I think there's a book called what's bothering Rashi he used to say what's bothering Rashi over here and you can come up with a world off of that one Rashi and this Rashi over here and this PK over here was put in the perfect place at the perfect time because it pre dates everything and it's not only raising children it's everything everything anyone's going to ever do is number one you're not alone you don't exist alone therefore everyone in your life comes into play and everyone who's there is important in playing that role every single person around you is important in playing that role trying to go It Alone is all ego it's all our ego and it's become something that I'm sure we'll discuss at some point over there but it's become something of a real misnomer in Claus which is uh um I'm probably gonna say this a few times over the course is this idea that the best healthiest people in your community um are the people who hide their stuff the best like that's how we're teaching children just hide your stuff the best and no one knows about it and then you're the best and healthiest no one's going to question you someone came to CU I'm going to stop you for a second do you think that's really do you think that's really that I feel like we moved a little bit from that already is Maybe I'm Wrong maybe I'm just totally we we definitely uh uh organizations like am organizations that are out there right now through the awareness that have have been spread we've definitely started to move but from the calls I get from the ideas I get it's so many people not getting help like I was about say um someone came to and asked him a question about with a with a boy who was in this situation with a boy who's been to therapy right uh is that a red flag is that and rber was immediately shot back he's like do you want the guy who didn't go to therapy like which what do what are you after like what do you it becomes this major and I say to crowds all the time I've been to therapy I me to therapy I went through a lot of things randomly I just I been to therapy I don't need to give anyone a reason why or an excuse I'm totally proud of it I have no issue it was amazing it was amazing right the the the idea of um oh no what's that going to do to it's G to it's going to narrow the court to marry someone who you actually can connect to that's is going to do to your you're right you're not going to go out with a thousand people the the funs aren't going to come pouring in but hiding these things and teaching people that that putting things away instead of asking for help getting out there is one of the most detrimental things but we you went for you wanted to know about uh uh the three things that but that's why I love that PK and three three pillars yeah three am there we go so I also I like I like to try to stay positive so uh the three on three pillars uh uh you you said to me you've been doing this for a while I started when I was 15 like you got the story you always tell me like you're not gonna believe it but I S when I was you know 16 years old and someone comes on he's like yeah I started when I was 15 was I'm like what like you also had rther as re so all righty moving along three things yeah three things so um number one one um a lot of people oh I'm going to go more with the three things because I don't like the whole what's the one anytime anyone in the crowd you know when it comes to question answer they're like What's the one thing I I always say I'm like make sure you eat chocolate every day if I have to choose one thing I'm G to choose something insane because there is no one thing there is no such thing there is no such thing and when we try to Encompass things into like a one thing it never but the three things that I would go for as far don't microwave metal that's it that's your thing guy right make sure they wear helmets don't let them play with fire like we knew that one already I'm like but did you know it like okay so um um okay so three things that I'm going to go with three things that I feel are are are overlooked that aren't given enough weight um uh one as a bonus one is gonna be dolphining because like that's that everyone's like I know I know know but really like yeah yeah but seriously ding not only because of the power of f but because of three times a day you're putting into your mind and you're saying to your own n my children need to be okay you're also consistently and constantly reminding yourself that I need to be there for them doming is a very very very important part of this um but I'll go for the three also by the way when you put that in your doing three times a day you're also reminding yourself three times a day that you cannot do it on your own which is also just humbling to you as a parent and reminds you your parent parental limitations without a question also you know we're GNA go into also it when we say it to it also calms us down a little bit which is was going to be my number three it also calms us down a little bit which I'm going to get to um number one number one most I I think it's the Cornerstone I think number three is the most important but number one if I had to make an more important one or a less important one but number one uh has to be the Cornerstone of everything and I think people get this one wrong is shaan bias shaan bias is a ke now you can have a divorced couple that still has shom bias I want to be clear here shom bias does not mean this lovey doy all the time everyone's it means that you are you are showing that where this child came from and where this home was built from was a solid stable peaceful place even if that place ended divided because of whatever reason it doesn't matter the child still looks up and doesn't fully understand this whole division or idea or whatever it is so when it sees how they get along and when the child sees how they view each other and how they respect each other it now is going to develop a certain self-esteem and a certain self-confidence confidence that words will never be able to give our children will'll never be able to give our children uh that's that's number one is the shom bias again in any situation the shom bias and as wide as as as uh as far out as we can go with the shom bias so uh shom bias between husband and wife is where that starts but shom bias between father-in-law and son-in-law mother-in-law and daughter-in-law showing a shom around all of them especially in front of these children is so important um I hope I don't have to go to extremes over here of saying that like obviously never using children against each other in a this is like the worst idea ever and we claim and rationalize that we're using we're doing it to protect them we're not a a a child needs to see certain things and one of those things is shom between their parents and their parents shom between uh uh The Wider scale of the family so that would be number one um it's [Music] it's yeah while you're going into I just want to point out that one of the reasons why that sha bias is so important is because it gives the kid the stability to feel like he can he can go out on the limb it's so important for human beings to be able to develop their own personalities and their own sense of self if I don't feel safe in my house because I see people are cutting each other down all the time right I don't want to step out on a limb I don't want to take a chance of being anything other than what I feel like I need to be in order to fit in the box and that's so dangerous the more I feel like there's Safety and Security in the home that it's stable the more I'm willing to go out and develop who I am which is ultimately our biggest goal as parents not to without a question yeah okay number two um I remember I was in a uh I was in this meditation class one time I took um and it was for it was just general it was General meditation and breathing or whatever and he said have some sort you know if you don't have anything you could just count but if you can have a name or a street or a number or or say yush or something like that that immediately gives you a sense of security um use that as a little bit of a mantra and immediately that was the funniest thing in the world immediately the first thing that popped into my head and I was already in like this like Trans State but the first thing that popped into my head was my home phone and they don't live there anymore was my home phone number as a kid because I knew that even though I was away for high school and I I um I D and everything dialing that number 718 338 it's not that number anymore so not one can call 269 dialing that number always meant that I'm about to be supported on the other end and and that meant that no matter I was what that number can roll in the back of my mind that even if I'm not calling them even if I'm in this situation and I'm in the I'm still going to be able to have that self-esteem and have that confidence because no matter how bad it gets I still have 71833 82696 the call to to sort of have that that thing that is an extremely important idea because even as an adult I was I was very much an adult when I took this class that was still the first thing that poped into my head and I'm telling you one thing to real realize is that we never grow up we never do we're always children to a degree right we always have a a father and a mother even if they're gone we have a father and a mother and we're the child of that father and a mother very quickly it's a funny story I I before before get funny I was want to say I was thinking now so what would be my like what would I be thinking of and I was like it would be the number of my parents credit card because I would know that at the other end of that I'd be supported that that is amaz I love that one I love that is great yeah that's great okay or just picturing that credit card whatever it look like that great I I the funny thing is I know you Rabbi and you didn't have your parents credit card now that's true now um we weren't those kids all right that's incredibly true I uh I remember very quickly I I went to I was driving with a friend of mine and his uh um his father called him up and his father I knew very very well also we were kids we were like 17 18 um I knew his father very well also his father was one of these very laid-back dad chilled out guy like he would always make the own eggs in his house the most laidback chilled out relaxed funny guy and I'm out there with my friend in Lakewood and uh his father calls us up and he says I have to drive Grandma to uh back to her facility whatever it is uh it was like Sunday morning she was by them for shabas he's like we got to switch cars uh because whatever and my friend I saw my friend immediately he was also very chilled out guy saw my friend immediately got a little steal got a little bit worried got a little bit anxious about this and he's like okay fine I'm coming so they we drive to like this parking lot where we were going to meet switch cars and we drive in and my friend Parks like two rows behind where his father was it's like an empty parking lot and he's like just uh just stand next to the car um and maybe just stand over there I'm like dude what's going on I know your father want to go say hi he's like no no not a good idea just maybe just I'm like what are you talking about and and I start walking up with him and he's like all right he's like you have to promise me whatever you see or he right now you can never speak about again I don't want to talk about it I'm like what what do you saying like fine yeah sure sure enough his father gets out of the car and you could tell he's in a huff he's like stressed out and he's and he walks to the back and he immediately and he's never like this he's never like this shoots at his son what took you so long and I'm like whoa and he's a big guy I was like whoa what's going and I'm like hey M and he just like grumbles like doesn't say a word to me opens up the trunk he starts pulling out bags going up to to the other car throwing the bags in and out of the back seat the smallest frailest and these this's a family of very big guys the smallest and frailest old lady gets out of the back and she's got a little bubka thing on and she starts walking you know to the car with her cane and she turns to her son and she goes schoy did you remember the yellow bag and he loses it and he goes Ma I remember the bag and he starts yelling at her and um I was like if a cop was watching this scene right now of this like six foot three huge guy yelling at the spray old lady and throwing bags around we all gonna get arrested like what is going on so his his his uh his grandmother just like waves off his father and like goes into the car and he gets into the car his father in saying just gets into the car and rips out the parking lot and I'm just standing over there looking around like what in the world just happened and my friend turned to me and he goes listen my father's a great guy and I love him and how you know him is really how he is but when his mother's around something happens to him I don't know what it is but my whole family knows the minute she's around he loses his mind for a little bit and that's it that's just the way it is that's been my life my whole life and I realized I'm like here is this his father was well into his 50s and and and an established guy wealthy successful very established person in the community part of all organizations and and he still was a little boy when it cames to his mother reminding himself something that we're always still that child and we need to remember that we need to hold out on to that so um number two uh we're gonna have to move not we're not yet at the lightning round we're going to have to move a little B faster because we got buch of questions here yeah number two um so number one um was that that's sh B number two was actual time spent um people overdo or underdo uh time um I have parents saying to me all the time uh uh he doesn't talk to me right they don't talk they don't talk to us they don't uh he doesn't say anything doesn't she doesn't say anything she doesn't what she just grunts he just grunts he just so the reason for that is is because I I actually tend to in my old age side with the kid on that one if you don't have a relationship with somebody and they start and your relationship consists of coming home and you get uh uh interrogated right when you walk through the door that's your relationship no one wants to talk to you so in communication there are two major uh features or ingredients to communication that needs to happen number one someone needs to be brave enough to communicate to speak number two that second person needs to be able to create the space for that person to speak so if those two ingredients are there communication and relationship can blossom but if those two ingredients aren't there that communication is not going to happen how do those two people get into that space so the first person who needs to communicate needs to feel safe and comfortable communicating they're not just gonna uh uhh put themselves in a bad situation admitting everything that's going wrong and and the like and as a side point a lot of parenting nowadays has become just finding out what our kids are up to just finding out what they're doing wrong and then I know you don't know anything you know the worst thing this kid did that week that doesn't mean you know anything and number two when the parent say I know what they did not who they are right exactly yeah yeah yeah exactly very well said yeah yeah exactly so now when the parent and for the parent to create that space they also need to have a relationship in order to allow that space and no matter how many parents I work with no matter how much I've seen in my own parenting the child that I had a deeper relationship with I am less worried about I am less scared about anytime I get I you know a school the school will Cole and say oh they got into a fight or they got into this I'm not as worried I'm not as afraid about the kid that I have a relationship with because I know that kid it's not as scary it's not as worrisome how does that get built so when the school calls you and they're like your son is holding someone hostage in our school you're like don't worry about it I know that don't worry about it he's playing around he's playing around tell him the game's over tell that game's over it's time for him to be the cop not the robber I I I I I we don't have time for the story right now but it has happened where someone called me and said you know your kid blooded up another kid's nose and I was like no he didn't it never happened that's not I know my son it didn't happen he's like I know your son blooded up another kid's nose I said listen I know my I know my son I know yonatan it didn't happen like who's yonatan I'm like exactly it do happen they're like they're like no your son yuck I'm like first of all totally happened my son yuck definitely busted up that kid's nose second of all um he's like four how is this a phone call like how are we having a conversation about two four year olds I got to to a fight it's not a thing right so now one of them I knew right away it wasn't him I kind of wish it was him very me but the other one for sure was him there's no question how does that relationship though develop and get built that relation develops and gets built I tell people all the time again we don't have a lot of time to go into this over there but it's like dating them right if someone were to propose on a first date it would be inappropriate it'd be insane it would be a crazy thing to do why you don't know this person we're asking these kids to be as vulnerable and honest with us when image to them is everything vulnerable and honest to us without even on the First Dates because just proximity does not equal personal connection just because this kid has been living in your home for x amount of years does not mean that the two of you have relationship in order to have a relationship relationships are built I I always like to say this people kill me for it but it's how I say it so I'm sorry but relationships are built on stupidity is just silly especially if it's a little kid just silly hanging out having fun having fun together being around that could you as a parent already have an in that child wants nothing more than to sit next to when they're little they do it all the time they hang on us they sit on our lap they what as they get older they get more independent and if what you gave them when they were little was that time and energy and physical uh space to sit there to hold them to rub their back to be there for them then when they get older they don't need it as much because they got that amount of self-esteem now they need other things they need to be appreciated they need to be seen they need to to to be wanted to be around but I I I I the one thing and I'll go to number three the one thing I tell parents that if you need to uh uh repair this which most of us you know especially if you have a large Jewish family you know you know I might have missed one along the way of developing too deep of a relationship so if you need to develop this so you go to a little bit of an extreme but I tell people all the time if you went right now the middle of the day your kids in school your your 14-year-old son 15-year-old son's in school you went right now you went to school and you picked them up right for zero reason he didn't know was coming he went you picked him up and you took him out for some Chinese and you just spoke to them about nothing no ulterior motives no what's doing in school how is everything how is that and you just sat there telling him about your day telling what's going on for you telling him I no criticism also right meaning you have to very zero criticism in that kind of space as if as if this kid was a friend of yours in a certain sense and you sit down I'm not telling you be friends with your kid but as if in this situation he was you sit down you're like I had a hankering for a Chinese today and I was like I'm not going alone and you were literally you're just the first person that popped into my head that I would love to go to Chinese with you so we're having Chinese together do you know Chinese is uh not really Chinese food made by a Jewish guy in San Francisco whatever it is like just just random stuff and then you bring them right back to school you drop offing like all right T thanks you know things are coming out with me uh uh get back to class don't don't tell them I took you out or something like something funny and he goes back that kid walks back in school like what in the world just happened did he just want to time with me right yeah did he just wanna does he just value my space like that's that kid walks around that school I don't care if another kid tries to bully him I don't care if he doesn't get chosen for football I don't care what happens that day this kid thinks he is the man you have that power as a parent and being able to build stuff like that means the world no one will be able to to to take or move your child around anywhere without your say so without him coming to you first and number three which I think is is the most important as from my R is the most important and in my old age I see it as the most important it is the thing that I personally violate the most and I'm a working progress on but uh uh it is the most important and that is and it doesn't sound like it but I'm telling you please hear it it is better to be calm being calm no matter what the storm or situation with children freak out later freak out afterwards lose it when you're alone it's fine but when you're with your children being calm is the most important thing because uh the example I like to give and I know we don't have time for examples but this one is an important one if we're ever going to talk about parenting you got a 30 second example go for it 30 second example I'm standing outside in the back of my house we have something that someone built before I was moved here and I'm going to give them the benefit of the AL calling it a pond it's not a pond it's a big ugly puddle and it freezes over in the winter my son Yak who is awesome he comes out I'm standing there I don't know steering out into space probably trying to calm myself down about something and my son you comes running out and he's standing next to me and he's looking at the pond and he looks up at me it was freezing outside and you could tell the top of the pond was already Frozen and he looks at me and he goes Papa do you think it think it could hold me up can I walk on it I'm like I don't know you know you gotta try you know it's like a foot deep I'm like what's gonna happen you know so I'm like you got to try to so he touches it with his toe and obviously nothing happens he hits it with his foot nothing happens he runs to the back of the yard he grabs this huge Rock he comes running over and he throws the rock down as hard as he can nothing happens it skids it across he looks at me with this huge grin like his face was where he's like and he jumps up and he smashes down with both of his feet onto it and we hear a crack but nothing happened it didn't break and he looks at me and goes I'm standing on a lake I'm like I know it's it's amazing and like he starts ice skating across it and I'm thinking to myself I'm like this is parenting a a certain kind of child in a nutshell they come up and they give you a kick and then they give you a harder kick and then they throw a rock at you and then they smash you with everything they have I hate you you're the worst I wish you would die all these things what are they trying to do they're trying to see can you hold me up are you strong enough to hold me that's all they want to know can you hold me if you freak out and turn if you respond you're saying no I'm cracking all over the place I cannot hold you I can't handle this right now I'm I I I'm losing my mind I can't hold you what the child wants to know is can you hold me if you're sitting there while he's doing all that and you're listening and you're empathetic and you're understanding and you're saying wow that those are Deep Emotions that that feels like it's coming from ins side that feels like you've been holding on to that thank you for sharing that when you say that in your Cal this kid is like oh my gosh I have someone that can hold me this person can hold me that's everything to a kid and that builds every amount of self-esteem everything that's why Comm as number three but really the number one spot for me always goes to being off beautiful beautiful beautiful okay we are running low on time over here so we're going to move to the lightning round okay you have you have literally 60 seconds this is the hardest thing to like to reain in a Ben shushan you know what I'm saying like you guys are built to just talk so like you can't you know there are people who say like they say it's not fair Hashem went to all the all the nations and he offered them the Torah but then he told them the hardest thing for them then he went to the Jews and and he didn't tell them the hardest thing it's not fair so I believe one of the G I think the says Hashem did give the Jews the hardest Mitzvah the hardest Mitzvah of them was like don't climb up the mountain for a y to see kadha but not to be able to go after it is the hardest thing for a yid so for a Ben shoot I'm G cut cap you up at 60 seconds get your watch ready here we go you got 60 seconds for each question I got okay and of course I understand these questions they're not 60c questions for a much longer conversation I'd recommend that you all call yusi benusa for much longer conversations all these matters and more so this is just a this is just a rush a pro this is just a very abbreviated uh lightning round okay what do you do when you've already messed up as a parent right we all mess up as parents all the times and there's now significant dysfunction brewing in your home a rebellious oldest child and they seem to be influencing all the other kids already what do you do 60 seconds so so first of all don't believe that there's no such thing um it's important that our children see that we are still human and that we mess up that that's fine it's how we react afterwards how quickly do we get over that is there silent treatment afterwards do we get into our own Funk afterwards because again that is breaking the Cal as opposed to communicating with them I know I reacted this way uh I would like to react this way they're not your therapist and they're not you know someone that you know that it's not a confessional but in in a mature responsible uh way you can tell them that number one number two is even if the childood i i one time had a 66y old woman 66y old woman me up in tears saying I just recently had a revelation in my life that the reason why all my children don't talk to me and they don't want me to see their children is because of me it's not because they're bad kids that grew up in this world and I'm listening to this lady I'm like I need to get you on camera right now but and I'm telling you right now she didn't one of her kids did not speak to her in two years two weeks later they were in full-blown conversation it is it is very very easy as a parent to repar it's not going to be perfect but it's very easy to start the reparations with a child it's going to take a lot there's a lot to do but it is so possible to do especially if it's not that extreme of a situation and it's just something I didn't do then start doing it start doing it now and communicate it especially if the child's an adult you can communicate it I realize that we never got to this and that and I want to I want I want to repair that let's go for coffee you know whatever it is alrighty next question I'm sure that obviously all Jewish people in America for sure wish they could live in out of toown communities like Detroit and Cleveland where there's just less pressure less gmas where the air smells like freshly baked cookies unicorns will gladly take you to school in case you're late everyone's happy and functional maybe maybe a bit hairy but a happy hairy you know what I'm saying what do you recommend for parents who are living in these communities that are a little bit more intense more pressure very in town always being children feel like they're always being scrutinized there's immense pressure to be perfect not just to get into high school or to get into summer camp or to get into Seminary but also in general in the day-to- day there's so much pressure about how they look and how they act and it's it's so stifling how and you have one child or a couple children they just don't fit that mold what do you do as a parent to support a child who feels this intense pressure from outside and doesn't really fit that mold 60 seconds so uh we touched on it before the idea that uh you know we're teaching uh specifically girls we're teaching girls you know don't share anything with anyone lie the best and you'll get the best sh the best for who I never understood that like we're no one's an individual anymore no everyone wants the same exact guy the same exact thing and the same exact it doesn't make sense we've recreated we ruined things like Messiah with the way that that we created Judaism in so many ways we've ruined uh communities we've ruined so many things and I say we because I'm responsible for this also we've done so much to to destroy our original beauty of Judaism for this societal Judaism what we need to do is and I think everything going on AR was a wakeup call for so many people and the wakeup call was what where have I been like we woke up from a coma from a trans like how we what was I worrying about last week what was going on how was anything important and that's where we need to be everyone everyone myself included we need to start focusing inside not out the people who we're trying to impress outside of our house when we're worried when we're scared when we're upset when we're crying alone in a room they're not the people we're calling so why do they matter so much we need to start focusing inside we need to look at our families and realize my family purposefully does not fit in I don't want them to fit in you know why because uh whoever whichever Rabbi you're listening to whichever speaker you're listening to whichever guy you're going to what called he also didn't fit in right uh I was given this as an example to a girl yesterday and her mother uh this girl uh is from a certain Community where the girls don't normally go to college and this girl really wants to become a doctor and I was talking to them and I said to the mother I was like what do you know of any from doctors from your community that our woman she said yeah I know a few I'm like aren't they the best doesn't everyone call them all day they're knowing as like pillars in their Community right now and they're the best she's like yeah but you know she's going to be exposed to I'm like you don't think they were exposed to they were you have a different child that's amazing and and and whether she's gonna become a judge or she's gonna become later on is when everyone's going to turn to you and be like how did you supported that's a you're incred you're right right now people are going to t t and do their thing but there's going to be a time where this kid gets celebrated too you need to be the first one that believed in them not later on be the one that believed in them I'm telling you right now an original family and an original child are the ones that get known and make all the difference in our communities they're the ones who support the communities they're the ones who make all the difference you're right in the beginning and at first glance no one does but that's the birth pain you have to go through to be the greatest in your community done that was like 90 okay now I'm gonna give you promise I can't I can't even ask you a question anymore because like you you you're not capable you're not capable of 6 second answer I'm serious man I got be M you a little bit I'm really not I'm really not okay here's another one I think this is a really important one I remember when I was going through a very difficult time in my life there was a a a random person who happened to live in my parents building in I my parents made alah when I was very young I was 11 years old and it was very difficult adjustment there was a person in my in my uh building his name was rabt litz his BR now Rosa somewhere here in America amazing individual and he just he really kind of came over and and just just was so nice to me and so friendly and always ask how I'm doing and all that it made a massive difference when I look back at my life right now he was like a light and difficult time and our question is you see a kid in show he's 14 he's 15 and you can see he's kind of headed into a very tough path what can you do as a non-parent to be a positive force in that child's life without being weird so specifically as a non-parent who is a nonprofessional who is not a rabbi that's who I'm talking to right now exactly that's what I'm talking about as a community we all need we all need to be involved here right 100% the rabbi to go up to this kid is is easy and the you know the professional to do the right thing is easy um um I I love when and this is I'm gonna tell you what it is in one one quick thing but I love when I see this it warms my heart to no end I'm sitting in a Sho in a big Jewish community and one kid came in uh for the the kiddish and you could tell his whole family was dressed a certain way and fit a certain mold and he did not very much did not and you could tell he just got this very fresh haircut and his father didn't look like he was very happy about the haircut and uh okay this one guy bold guy and I know the guy the guy's the guy like does Amazon or something walks up to this kid and he's like and you could tell he didn't know the kid didn't speak to the never exp maybe knows his father a little bit walks up to this kid he goes Weir did you get that haircut and the kid's like and everyone got quiet I was like oh no whatever he's like that is a like that's a $500 haircut that is a nice haircut that is and the guy was a little bit bold he's like I honestly I wish I I'm very jealous to you on that haircut that is and he looked turns to his father he goes it's a good-look boy you got over here this guy's gonna this guy looks like he's a newscaster like he said a whole bunch of it felt like a million bucks the kid felt like a million bucks he pointed out specifically what was different about him and he loved it and he Lo and then and then another guy jumped in and was like yeah yeah if I still had my you should have seen me when I was and everyone started talking about this kid felt like a million bucks no matter what it is that you're pointing out no matter what it is there's always an opening to just be able and go over and make the kid feel that he belongs there right they have the the the what they you know the staring idea you walk into a Sho a lot of times and they look you up and down just just just smile at the kid be like that's a nice time I like his shoes anything anything just to make him feel like he belongs there that kid always gonna smile at you okay beautiful okay I I had one last thing over here I was gonna ask you to do I don't know if you're capable of doing it so I'm gonna ask you if you're capable of doing this first and if you are you get a chance at it if not we'll just we'll do we'll end the interview here can address you have you have 60 seconds to address all the parents of chestal I mean I imagine right now watching this on moodam there's got to be at least 75% of chol watching this probably for sure easy so you have the other 25% as well you have 60 seconds to address all the parents of kerol what do you say to them and I'm literally I'm gonna start the clock ticking so and it's gonna it's gonna ring at the end so at this point I'm faith in you here I can do go for it one two three go you are the best chance your kid has you're the only chance your kid has if you could get the best parenting professional in the world to sit there with your kid and raise your kid and he's going to mess it up or she's going to mess it up I'm telling you right now you're the only one who has the intuition the love the compassion and the connection to your kid to be able to make a difference when I was young and dumb I thought I was going to go saving kids all over the place now that I have a few years of experience on my body I realize something the best I can do the absolute best I can do as a professional is to try obviously in without extreme circumstances to try to repair a relationship and get a parent and a kid back on board together if I could do that I totally save the situation they'll do fine they're going to mess up and fix up and mess up that's fine but if I could get them back in contact with each other if I could get them back talking back loving each other there there was nothing that that relationship can't withstand but if anyone else tries to save your kid be mow of your kid it doesn't work there's no professional out there that's going to do a better job there's no one out there that five minutes with your kid is going to make a difference taking them for pizza is going to make a difference them saying something nice is make a difference you can do this and you have the talents just be calm walk through hug them love them in a just as as much as possible the whole world is trying to take your kid either you hold them tight enough not protect them not not shelter them but hold them and give them that love or everyone else is going to want to so get out there and realize you have what it takes whatever the reason you don't think you do let it go you have what it takes to raise your kids awesomely I am I am way over a minute but my timer literally went dead it it didn't make a noise I was waiting for it to ring the bell and it didn't ring the bell but you did pretty well overall I give you a seven on that alrighty Rabbi Yi Ben Shuan thank you so much it has been a pleasure hopefully this is helping uh this is going to be able to help people raise healthy children in an unhealthy world uh thank you very much again to amudim thank you very much to Gabby SCH and the entire team that has put together this beautiful to heal program may we all as kly open up our hearts and our wallets to support this incredible organization that is literally at the front lines of cly most yes 10c plug I need to do it I just want to say anytime anytime I get a call and I need to amudam is always there to back up on on on so many different things they they work so much behind the scenes that people don't even realize how deep their reach goes and how much they do so guys get out there this this is an organization that is on par with whatever organization you think kol needs trust me amudam is there for kol more than just about any uh organization or most that's out there so please get out there and support them wow certified fresh by RAB Yan it's been a pleasure thank you so much and have a wonderful day thank [Music] you [Music]