NACHUM SEGAL LIVE with Dr. Norman Fried and Nathan Spiteri

pretty amazing the Solomon Brothers and Yehuda Solomon with that incredible piece sh L that's something that we debuted yesterday here at unit the heel just an example of the great content you've been watching over the last 34 hours couple more hours to go and that means we have a couple hours to get to to the Big Goal the big goal of $5 million and we love seeing the actual dollar amount go up as it continues to do so but I'm also getting a a kick out of the fact that the percentage is going up we're up to 72% of the goal 72% of the goal we have a little bit more than a quarter away from 5 million a quarter of the goal away so please give and give generously make this a great success unite the heal.com recommend to your family and friends to give and support the work of amudim we have described and many people over the years have described the important work that amudam does on a daily basis helping teens families uh children parents adults so many different cases so many different situations so many challenges out there in our community and throughout the entire world please give to amudim and let their incredible experts step in and help families and youngsters out there in our community navigate these challenging times we have two special guests here in our studio Dr Norman freered is a psychologist he is joined and we are joined by Nathan sper an actor who is from Australia from Down Under they wrote a book together the childhood trauma recovery workbook for adults it is a pleasure to welcome you both toit to heal thank you thank you for having us thank you for having us yeah Dr Fred are you familiar with the work of Amud I am quite familiar I've been attached to amudim for about uh four years now and I follow the work that you do and I'm very very fond of T and the work that he does pretty amazing pram I'm sure everybody is curious how Dr Fred met Nathan sper well I'm actually I'm a trauma therapist and I work with patients who have been through different types of traumas as well as as abuse and drug abuse and recovery and I have a Instagram site where I talk about trauma and I came across Nathan's Instagram site and his stories were very compelling and over time I asked him if we could meet and talk about working together and we did and we've created a documentary film that's coming out about surviving childood sex abuse as well as a book Nathan has a book of his own is it's out all about his story and we are now uh really good colleagues doing some very important work no that's an understatement uh how difficult is it to be in this forum how hard is it to share your story with so many whether it's here or social media or other places where you've done so I think first and foremost you need to own your story and once I was able to own it and accept what happened to me um I went on my healing journey and through that then it became easy to talk about then it became easy to share what I went through my healing Journey where I am today so it is you know it is sometimes difficult but I do speak about it most days if not every day so for me it does get easier and easier but for those who you know who do not have a voice who AR able to talk about it yeah it must be very very difficult to to find the courage to to say this happened to me or I went through this so it's you know it's summing up that courage to finally or to firstly come out and just say I was abused as a child or or I went through this or whatever it is situation whatever trauma you went through it's those first words of getting it out I bet there are people watching right now who are asking how long does it take to heal because there people suffering right now we know this every year when we're in this in this Arena um could you answer the question how long does it take to heal I think it's an everyday thing it's not you know I kept my trauma a secret for over 25 years and that mean means from everybody from everybody parents no other human being I finally told my best friend here in New York I'm from Australia but told my best friend here she helped me get into therapy and and group therapy and and Rehab AA all that type stuff so and that was 12 years ago and every day I'm still healing every day I'm still you know I'm triggered by something or I I have a memory or I think of something so yes I've spoken about my past and I've spoken about my trauma but it lives with me every day it's not like I I say it then I can just throw it away and pretend it doesn't exist it's it's a part of me it's a part of my DNA it's a part of who I am so for me it's about being able to grow with it and and and learn from it and educate myself from it so that when it does hit me again when I do get triggered I'm able to understand it and know what it is and and work through it and move forward with it doctor I think that there are people concerned about about how long the journey is and how many setbacks they might come across as this journey continues I appreciate that your question and I want to dovetail what Nathan had said so so poignantly by reminding everyone that healing is a present tense word We are Never Fully healed we are always in the process of healing and getting stronger every day with hashem's help and we're climbing a ladder or a staircase towards greater recovery so that we can actually see our place in the future from where we once were but it's also important that we tell our story and the healing comes from the telling of the story there are changes in our in our in our neurological functioning there are there are cortisol levels that actually rise and give us more power to speak our story and when we do we find that people hear us and believe us so how long does it take it takes a lifetime but it is worth it because every day we heal a little bit more yeah worth it is right um we talk about the different situations that teenagers and people of all ages go through it's one of the focuses that we have here as we talk about amudam and the importance of supporting the cause uh what could you tell someone who's watching right now because I know it just from this experience that there are people who are who are relating to Nathan's situation right because we are now discussing it UL well first of all Nathan has even spoken about the actual events that that can that are subsumed under the trauma and and Nathan's story is very powerful and important that world something we should or should not we should we should because this is a story that the world needs to learn about and recognize that recovery and healing is possible always but I would say to everyone who's listening right now if you tell your story to someone who can listen with all of its details you will be believed and you will begin the process of healing and you will will find a way to actually believe that and to discover that you're capable of Love healthy connections and seeing the world not Through The Eyes of a traumatized person but from someone who actually believes and has faith that he's going to make it and I'm saying to everyone who's been hurt and that includes so many of us in this world you can get better you can get better find someone like Nathan and tell your story you also need a great listener and it seems you're a great listener thank you Nathan am I am I right the doctor the doctor is a good listener and that's one of the keys to this entire process absolutely I think most important because all we want is for someone to listen to us all we want is just for someone to sit there believe us acknowledge what acknowledge what has happened believe us tell us we're going to be okay and and and just support us through the Journey because there are so many people who do come out men and women who come out and say they're abused or whatever their situation is and a family member or a friend or whoever it is a school teacher whatever will say stop lying don't be silly that didn't happen to you whatever the situation is you imagined it you imagined it so can you tell your story yes let's hear about your story how how far back do we have to go to start your story so I I I grew up I was born in Australia grew up in Australia um at 8 years old it was summertime just after Christmas I went down to the local swimming pool I grew up in a small town end of the day a man followed me into the change rooms and he he raped me in the shower um first thing he said to me was that if I tell anyone he'll kill me and kill my family so as an 8-year-old growing up someone you knew or did not know no total stranger stranger but as an 8-year-old growing up you know in the mid 80s when we had no mobile phones when we didn't have access to the internet and the the you know the organizations we have today I took that as gospel so I pushed away from my family pushed away from my friends and through his grooming through his manipulation through him telling me that this is what I wanted that this is what my family one if I tell anyone no one's going to believe me that I'll go to jail that he'll be fine that how special I was that I was a very special little boy that he was doing this to me and I was with him I formed a Stockholm syndrome type relationship with this man where I felt that I loved him and I wanted to be with him I pushed everyone else away over a period of about 5 six years very rough and violent into more of a loving type relationship and then he abandoned me and once he abandoned me I was alone again I didn't reach out to family and friends and and I fell into addictions and drugs and sex and violence and that was my coping mechanism that was my way of being able to get my power back and feel alive again um try killing myself and and just felt very lost and alone in the world a lot of Shame and all this has happened during your teen years during my teen years and into my you know my 20s I I moved to New York to be an actor I was invited to come to New York New York to be an actor so I was here studying and hoping to get away from that life in Australia but New York being what it is you can get what you want when you want twice as cheap and everything else from from everywhere else does distance help that you're so many thousands of miles away from him or that's irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant so I fell back into that that lifestyle of of of the addictions and then I hurt someone quite bad hurt myself quite bad and I'm like I need to do it now it's now or never otherwise I'm going to end up dead or in jail or whatever I finally told my very best friend here in the city she helped me find a therapist and then therapy saved my life through therapy again I I found group therapy and AA and Narcotics Anonymous would you say even in the first six to eight months like as quickly as that or that it started to help or or it takes a much longer time I think it depends on on which part of the on the person as well cuz if you're open to it and if you own your past and what you went through and you know I did a lot of good things a lot of bad things as well as you know good things so once I was able to own it and understand it and one of the most important things was my my therapist said to me Nathan if you could go back and speak to your eight-year-old self what would you tell him wow and I would I'm andar about it and my therapist was a tough lady and she wouldn't let up and then it finally came to me that it wasn't your fault and once I discovered that it wasn't my fault the the weight of it all started you know peeling off me started falling off me and I was able to then understand my relationship with this man understand my relationship with my family with with friends with lovers with what I'd been through and then from there I was able to move forward with the recovery a lot more and and and did family and friends become more sympathetic or more understanding they did I finally told my family after about 6 to n months of of of therapy and I was never really too close with my family but once I did once I opened up yes it was very hard for my parents be a level of Devastation for Devastation for them and you know for them I think it was they didn't protect me and it was their fault and they weren't there as a parent we get there as a parent absolutely um but now we've gotten a lot closer and me and my my siblings are a lot closer so you know as as Norman said earlier the healing Journey it's it's never ending and it's an everyday thing and and as long as you stick with it as long as you're in it and you're in that fight it will get easier well what a message that is for anybody who's suffering the stick toiv this is such a key and sometimes people want to give up when they're in a process like that abely what I was going to say is that we don't any of us none of us know why it is that we suffer so in this life but we do and we have to assume that our Nish our our Direction our soul is being directed and guided somewhere and that deep inside that pain exists that soul that Nish and is learning every day how to become more and more of a healed version of itself and the way we do that is by having imuna having faith in Hashem as well as in those that really have the answers and understand because they've been through the path or they understand which things are okay to talk about what's not and Nathan described how he got to Na and AA and other different kinds of Therapies group therapy and this is what we do for people who have been through a drug experience or a trauma or both most importantly you don't have to live with this forever you can turn this into something that was once a Scarlet Letter into now a badge of honor because the thing that hurt can become the thing that guides you to a better future wow um maybe I watch too many dramas on TV but is a an encounter with the abuser necessary in uh in therapy or that's known as restorative justice and the encounter can be quite helpful and is done often Nathan can tell you that there are times when the abused will meet with his or her abuse or the perpetrator and there are times when that's not possible the perpetrator has been caught or has died or has run away Nathan has a story about his own version of restorative justice would you care to share my my abuse is dead so I never got to to meet with him or sit with him but another thing that I learned in therapy was my therapist said to me write a letter because I you know I'm never going to be able to see this person again write a letter to your trauma and to your abuser and do what you want with it in saying that it you know Take It To My Grave burn it give it to a loved one give it to the abuser if they're still alive you know keep it in your wallet whatever you need to do um and it took me six years to write that letter but I finally wrote it and I went back home to Australia I sat in a park near where the abuse happened and and I just sat with this letter and and this man gave me he gave me one thing he gave me one gift if I can say it he gave me a little toy car a little toy tow truck match matchbox car so I found this car I went back to my parents house and found this car wrote this letter sat in a park with it and just sat with my thoughts and and sat with this this person and then I just burnt the letter and and the ashes went up to the heaven and you know it's between him and I and I didn't want it to give it to anyone else so for anyone who is going through that and is unable to speak to their abuser write a letter and give it to a loved one so they understand what you're going through or if you are able to give it to this abuser give it to them or or if you just want to keep it on yourself forever do that but I think the most important thing to remember is that you know we're never alone we're never alone in this and sorry no I was going to say you're a strong man and the doctor might say that everybody has that strength they just have to find it right everyone's strength is exists inside of every one of us and we can also believe that we were given this gift from from birth you know God's God's will exists inside of each and every one of us as sh travels behind us and around us it's also important that we find someone that's capable of listening to our story and all of its details and what I say often is that when you are fortunate enough to find someone who's willing to listen that can say go ahead I can take it I'm not going to silence you I'm not going to consider this not true when you get to hear the beautiful words Ana I believe you The Healing Begins it's so important to have faith that that can happen for everyone phenomenal I thank you both Dr Norman freed thank you so much uh Nathan sper thank you so much it's a absolute Delight meeting both of you than so much ladies and gentlemen in this precious audience um what was just described in the last few minutes these are the types of things that go on when somebody has a very difficult challenge to go through and they reach out to amudim and they're incredible therapists they're incredible staff members they case managers and they reach out begging for help and sure enough they come up with the right system the right people the right process to get that help to the person who needs it and to really change lives and that goes for teenagers in our community parents in our community families in our community everybody benefits from amudim please give and give generously and make this a very very successful night for us again it's unit to heal.com unit to heal.com donate and donate generously we're at $ 3.73 million from a $5 million goal please make this a great success I want to remind everybody that as we do the braa jaffi piece braa jaffy has a piece entitled SE her which was written by KY new house KY composed it Bara is performing it we are going to leave because of Kisha sensitivities we're going to leave on certain platforms and come back in 5 minutes if you stay with unit to heal.com you'll see the entire presentation including BR jaffi selection it's called see her here it is at unite to heal keep on giving everybody