July 18, 2016, Amudim Awareness Event Part 4 of 4 Dr David Pelcovitz PhD

Uh first of all, Rabbi Wickler, you did a masterful job. So, um there isn't that much left for me to say, but let me let me start. Point number one is that I first I want to lord you all for being here. This is not an easy uh talk to come to. You know, I always think I don't know that I would come to such a talk. You know, it's a weekday night. It's it's um in the middle of the summer. It's a hot day. It was a rainy day. And it's such an unpleasant topic that our gut feeling would normally tell us to stay away. There's interesting research on abuse prevention. Shows that nights like tonight, if we get your anxiety level up too high, okay, it's not good because it actually will lessen the chance of effectively being able to protect our children. If we keep it too low, it's certainly not good. So we have to find that middle kind of path that uh that we know is uh what uh Jewish hashkafa tells us is is the way we should go is for that uh that shr that shril haz. But um hopefully by the end of tonight you won't be so anxious that you walk out of here depressed. Hopefully you'll walk out of here somewhat energized and inspired. So that's point number one. Point number two is the obvious point and that's that as you've been hearing, usually abuse comes at the hand of people we know. It's it's hardly ever somebody who's a complete stranger. It's often somebody we know from the neighborhood or somebody we know, God forbid, but it's a harsh reality in our family, be it a cousin or an uncle or an aunt or a direct um in, you know, uh um family member. And that's very very hard to see. Okay. And it's a painful fact, but that's just beyond a shadow of a doubt what happens. I don't know what percentage of of situations that um the organizations represented here are working with is intrafamilial. But I would imagine without even asking that it's well well more than half of what you're dealing with, right? Is that true terms of uh right is amuda more than half? It's in in the family, huh? 87% 87%. That's even more than half. Okay. 87%. Um, is that true, Mico? 87%. Okay. See, so I have to Okay. There's such a specific percentage, but you just did the study this morning. I know. I I got it. Okay. Actually, as I was speaking, no, no, they one of the nice things that Mudum does is actually very, very careful recordkeeping and they really do know what what's what's happening. And I see from Rabbi Bleer that Project Sarah it's it's it's up there and that's hard to see. So let me tell you um a study and a story. Okay, that's want to speak to your right hemispheres a little bit as you know I do. Okay, here's the study. It's a study I did years ago and I think it's an important this study actually um um was um used in a congressional hearings on sex abuse prevention. It was a study that um I I conducted with some colleagues probably about 25 years ago. Um and I'm not saying it to horrify you. I'm just saying it because it's it's why I'm so passionate about nights like tonight. Um years ago, there was a bus driver of the preschool bus run on Long Island who plead guilty to abusing 80 preschoolers on his bus run. He pulled to the back of the local Sears in Long Island and abused kids on the bus. Okay. Um and none of the kids disclosed. Um it came out in some serendipitous way. He was also abusing one of his daughters who couldn't take it anymore when he started to abuse her younger sister. She went to the police. The police thought, "Oh my god, this is the guy who's the local bus driver." and they they actually followed him and were able to ultimately convict him on 80 counts of abuse. At the time I was director of psychology at a large hospital system on Long Island and um we had a specialized abuse uh treatment center and um so I was seeing a lot of these kids in group therapy and psychologists um and and other therapists working with me were also seeing them and I was I was actually um learning something that horrified me as I was seeing the these kids. I learned that and I was able to show from court records and attendance records that the following thing happened a number of times. They were given a really good film on abuse prevention in their school. It was a Winnie the Pooh film. Okay. But it was done by Disney and was well done. It had all the elements of effective abuse prevention. Then a school nurse came and told them what to do if somebody touched them inappropriately. And then that very day I was able to show from school records and I was able to show from court records they went on the bus and were abused and not a single kid disclosed. So the study we did was a very simple study. We interviewed the kids and we said in a nice way these are little four or fiveyear-old kids what were you thinking? You know we the film told you what to do. The film even said even if it's somebody who works in your school, why didn't you disclose? Do you know that the top reason among others, but the top reason was they looked at me like I was out of my mind when I asked these kids this question. They said, "Tell my parents the disgusting things that Mr. Do Bob did to me. My parents would kill me." Now, I worked with those parents. I knew those parents. I came to know them over the course of the years that we worked with these victims and they were great parents. They were loving. They were wonderful. But none of them had ever talked to their kids about the danger of abuse. So I'm going to spend a little bit of time with you giving you very specific guidelines on how to talk to kids without frightening them too much about abuse. The same way that you talk about any kind of safety. You talk about fire safety on Khaneka, water safety during um you know during uh the summer. So you talk about personal, you know, personal safety as well. I'll talk to you about that in a minute. But that's story number one. That's why I'm so passionate about a night like tonight because if it gets even some of you to override your hesitation and talk to your kids about about this stuff, it I see it. It truly works. It truly works. So that's point number one. Point number two is a personal story. It's going to start sound at the beginning of this story like I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. No, no, I end up being an idiot. It's going to sound at the beginning of this story like I'm bragging. Okay? And then the end of the story is I come out looking bad. So don't don't worry that I'm sounding like I'm bragging. Here's the story. Number of years ago, I was um I was um doing research on children exposed to domestic violence. I was publishing articles on it. I was on the lecture circuit. what happens when a kid grows up in a home where he sees not only um verbal fighting between parents, but but where there's actually physical violence and um you know so so I testified at the trial that actually set the law in federal court that set the law that today is the law of the land in terms of you know the way child protective services people have to deal with kids exposed to domestic violence. And I presented my stuff all over the place, all all all over the world. And um and I was pretty young and I was pretty full of myself about it. Okay. Uh because it was it was it felt good because it was making a difference. It wasn't dry research. It was like really okay. And it was good for my career also. Around the same time, there was a little boy who was hanging around my house a lot. This is the idiot part, okay? He was hanging around my house an awful lot. He would come to my house at least two nights a week to do homework with one of my kids, sometimes three nights a week. There was hardly a shabas uh that went by that he didn't have a meal with us. He was really a Ben bias by us. He was a little shy, but um it felt good to have him come because his parents were extremely prominent. They lived in a very wealthy part of our community in this multi multi multi-million dollar mansion. You'd read about his uh family in the front page of the business section of the New York Times. They were very prestigious, respected family. And it went on like this for a number of years. One day, 3:00 in the morning, my doorbell rings. Doorbell to my house rings. And it's this boy's mother. She's in her bathrobe. She's crying. She says, "David, can I sleep over tonight? I need to sleep over tonight." I said, "What what what is it?" She says, "Um, you know, my the spiral staircase in my house, this mansion, you know, it's like literally out of the movies, this mansion, waterfront place." She said, "My husband just pushed me down the staircase and he has guns, David." She says, "He has guns and he says he's going to shoot me. Do you mind if I sleep over?" So, I run and I call my wife over, who thank God's a lawyer and is uh it wouldn't have been appropriate for me to handle this in any other way anyway. And the next day, you know, my um my wife takes her um and to court. They get an order of protection and a whole chain of events take place that end up with actually resilience. This kid actually ended up doing fine. He really did fine. But I didn't hear a word she said after she talked about the guns because all I could think of. All that would rush through my mind throughout that conversation was how did I miss it? This boy practically growing up in my house met every single symptom on what an abused kid who's growing up exposed to serious domestic violence looks like. And I couldn't see it because I was blind to it because it was too close to me. It was a prominent member of my community. It's very hard to see this when you're too close to it. Quick varra. When I was here, did I talk about Illish? Probably not. I wouldn't have talked about Ish. Listen to this. Listen to this. It's going to make sense in a minute. I'll give you the take-home message and then we're going to go on to a couple of other points. Here's here's the story of Illish. The Gammorra talks about Illish. Now, Illish was um somebody in the times of the Gomorrah who was a bird linguist. He spoke bird fluently. He was really good in bird. Okay. And he finds himself in prison. I imagine it was during the Roman persecution. So, he's in jail. And his his cellmate is a non-Jewish guy who also speaks bird, but not nearly as well. Illish is worldrenowned. We know from different sources in speaking bird. A raven flies into his cell and says, "Illish, run for your life. Run for your life. Quickly, run for your life. And Illish, instead of running for his life, he looks at his cellmate and he says, "What? What did the raven just say?" And he said, "You know, Illish." He said, "Run for your life. Run for your life." Illish decides not to listen to the bird because he knows ravens aren't that trustworthy. They're not trustworthy. We never trust a raven. Okay, that's a different program, but just never trust a raven. Then a couple of days later, a dove flies in and a dove says, "Run for your life. Run for your life." Again, Illish asks the cellmate, "What did the what did the dove say?" And he says, "You know what he said? He said, "Run away. Run away." Now, doves are trustworthy. So, Illish runs for his life and saves himself. So Rakiva Ager asks and this is expanded on by Levitz in a beautiful uh beautiful essay. He he asked the follow he says wait a second why did Illish need to check with somebody who wasn't nearly as expert in speaking bird language what's that about sovitz in particular gives a brilliant answer he says to quote Simon and Garfuncle two RJ boys so I'm allowed to quote them right he says a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest remember that nobody's going to admit this I'll admit it I'm you know I'm I could admit it. A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. Meaning that Illish knew that there was nothing that he wanted more in life than to hear that it was safe to run away. And he knew he couldn't trust himself. So he checked with another person. What's the take-home message of this section of the talk? Very simple. When you are presented with a suspicion, something in your gut saying, "This isn't right. There's something off here about a person or about something going on with your child. Talk to somebody." I got a call today. There was a very upsetting call to me and yet I could understand it so well from what I just discussed with you. It was about a very clear abuse situation in a summer camp. It was one of the three calls I got today. I'm not up to the level that you guys are, but I I still get these calls. So, I get a call and it's about a clear case. A boy called his his his um Rebby and said, "Rebby, there's somebody there's a counselor here who's taking pictures of me when I'm not, you know, when I'm in the bathroom or when I'm not dressed and I feel terrible about it and and and and I'm afraid and he's also doing other things. He's beginning to do things." So, there's a clear case of abuse that had to be stopped immediately. So they went, by the time they called me, they had already gone to the head of the camp who said, "Well, no, that doesn't reach to the level, it's not abuse because he hasn't touched him yet." Okay? I mean, it's as clear-cut abuse as you could get, but I in the old days used to get furious at these camp directors who would do it. But all that runs through my head is a combination of illish and me. Okay? It's hard to think that one of your counselors is capable of something that's clear-cut, black and white abuse. Okay? So just to tell yourself that if you're not sure, talk to somebody. They're wonderful organizations in town. Okay? So you call the incredible organizations that are here. You could call Amud. You could call Project Sarah. So um talking to your P preschooler. Here are the main points in talking to your preschooler. Number one, remember this doesn't have to be any more frightening than any kind of safety stuff is. Right? You don't get so frightened when you talk to your kid about water safety. You don't get so frightened when you talk to your kid about how to cross the street. It's not such a big deal. So, you talk to them. The worst that'll happen is they'll look at you like you're out of your mind. So, what? Let them. It's not a big deal. You talk to them. And just by talking to them, it truly makes it more likely that they're going to come to you. Here are the main components. And you can't mess it up. Remember, this isn't an event. It's a process. number one with preschoolers, you know, um your your your your mother and father love you. We love you. I'll always love you. Nothing you do will ever take away that love from you. Because abusers almost always play on that. They say your parents with that bus story that I told you about. One of the things he told them, uh this this Bob guy, he said, "You know something? Um he said, "If you tell your parents what you did, they're they're not going to believe believe you. They're going to believe me. I'm a grown-up." and he threatened them. He said, "I'm going to come to church during choir practice and shoot your sister or brother." Little kids just just believe that kind of stuff. Okay? So, that's number one. I love you and you could come there isn't anything that that could possibly that you could that that you can't come to me with. I I want to hear about all the things that happen in school. All the good things and even the bad things that happen. Okay. Um I Okay. Then then here's the main point. Not a big deal point, but it's a common sense point. There are three kinds of touches. The yes touch, like when mommy or daddy hug you, when you feel good. Okay? The no touch, like when your friend hits you, it hurts. And then the I don't know touch. Okay? This is when someone touches you and it doesn't hurt, but it makes you feel funny. Okay? And if someone touches you and you feel funny, say no, go away from them and tell mommy about it. Okay? And then you basically there's a whole thing here about how to talk to them. But you can't go wrong by just talking about it. And then you do whatifs with them. You could do what if saying what if the babysitter we bring in tells you not to tell that she's bringing a friend when you know that she's not allowed to have friends or a boyfriend come with her when she's babysitting. What if your uncle when he comes over kisses you or your aunt kisses you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable? Not that God forbid that's abuse, but you want to get them used to building up the muscle of being able to talk about this stuff, okay? Being able to talk about feeling uncomfortable. What if your uncle tickles you past the point of comfort? Again, none of this is abusive, but you want them to get to the idea that they could come to you in in in not apedic way, but just sort of to say it's fine to complain about adults who make you feel uncomfortable. And just by getting those conversations going, it makes all the difference in the world, you know. A number of years ago, a colleague of mine from Los Angeles told me the following study that he did. He was um looking at kids who were um part of a a sniper shooting in Los Angeles in 1991. Uh a shooter came onto a school ground and opened fire. It was happening even then. It's not as brand new as we think it is. And some kids were killed. But there were two nine-year-old children who were pinned down by the gunfire. Neither of them was um was injured, but it was terrifying. One became very symptomatic even though he was exactly the same level of proximity to the shooter as the one who was resilient. So this psychiatrist at UCLA who I've worked with, he did a simple study, Dr. Pinus, he asked he interviewed these these two nine-year-olds. He said, "Why is it you're doing so well?" He told the kid who was resilient. The kid said, "What?" He said, "Remember the shooting a couple of weeks ago? you know, you went through a horrible trauma. Why are you doing so well? I mean, he asked it in a more psychologically sound way. And the kid said, "Let me tell you something." He said, he said, "Um, two weeks before our community had a um practice drill on what to happen, what what to do if there's an earthquake." They told us, "How do you handle an earthquake?" It was It's Los Angeles. So when the shooting started, I said to myself, "Oh, this is a little bit like um this a little bit like an earthquake." So I knew exactly what to do. I dove for cover and I knew I'd be okay. Now, he was no safer than the kid next to him, but he felt protected by the community and it changed the nature of the experience. You know, the research shows that even one or two simple talks with your kids about safety, it's not going to terrify them. The worst that'll happen is they'll shut you off a little bit. But it shows that even if, god forbid, they're abused and even if they choose not to tell you, it's going to in some ways be protective. That's why I feel so strongly about this. So if all you do when you go home tonight to your kids or to your grandchildren or whatever is you feel a little more open to talking about this stuff to them, and again, there's some wonderful things. There's a wonderful book that Yanki Harowitz put out you know about uh talking to your ch talking to your children your preschool child and there are similar kinds of guidelines for talking to older children. Okay, let me um let me come to an end with um with a couple of thoughts and and and a concluding story. Um first of all I can't emphasize enough resilience is the norm. All the studies show that if a kid is abused, we heard beautifully from Rabbi Zwickler how it could set your child on a trajectory that could be horrible long term. And that's all too true. But if you figure out how to really listen to them and believe them in the face of their coming to you or just even to talk to them about it, the research shows is one person who cares becomes the immediate pathway to resilience if you believe them and you protect them. That's all you need to do. I'm not saying they may not need therapy, but the norm is resilience if you're there at their side. I was very lucky to have R palm as my rebby for a number of years when I was learning in in in the base medarvas and he used to tell us something that always stuck with me. He said the following. He said when somebody is abused and you look the other way and you don't do what you need to do among the many deoris okay the many biblical commandments that you are basically not being mim is the one of right the Torah tells us if you see somebody going through a tough time and somebody suffering and you look the other way and you don't help him. He said that's a dissa salama. You don't have the right to pretend that you don't see it. You have to look at it and you have to deal with it and you have to stand at their side as it says at the end of one of the lama tim you have to have their back. But then he said in his optimistic way the beautiful way he always turned things around. He said but you know what happens if you help such a child you believe them. You give them words for their pain. You help them believe in themselves again. You give them safety. He says among the many doisas that you're makayam among the amazing amazing benefits you get from this is the doisa of hasha returning a lost object. So the obvious question is what does that have to do with returning a lost object? Said you know why? Because you're returning to them their lost soul. You're returning to them their lost soul. And that's what tonight's about. Tonight's about just being open and looking and taking it all in and recognizing this can happen. It's an unpleasant truth, but also resilience is the norm when you're at your child's side. And I see it all the time. I see abuse victims, sometimes victims of terrible abuse. and I get them in my office or I see my colleagues get them in the office or I see the work of the wonderful organizations represented here tonight giving them support and help and I see literally the light go back in their eye. You see their souls coming back to them. You literally they look more more alive. I'm sure you've all experienced this story. I'll end with the story and then I have a lot stuck in my in my throat here but I have to uh I have to uh recognize the limits of a Monday night program. Okay, here's the concluding story. Um, number of years ago, I was invited to speak at a homeless conference. I was very excited. I thought I'd get to hang out with a bunch of homeless people in some parking lot somewhere. And I follow the address. Turned out it was the Waldorf Historia. Okay. Um, and it was some kind of a big program for professionals dealing with the homeless. They're not nearly as interesting as it would have been to speak to homeless people, but what could you do? So, I go in, there were two speakers. I was I was one of the speakers, but the other speaker, who was clearly the main speaker, were both up on the deis. And I go up to the deis, and there's this very goodlooking, very pass, amazingly well-dressed guy. But then I read his CV and I figure I'm going home. I can't I can't speak next to this guy. Here's what it says. It says, "Dr. so and so has his uh PhD from Harvard and it goes on and on to say about he goes he won an Oscar for a documentary he did on homelessness. He was in charge of homeless policy for the United States. He wrote he was like this super superstar and when he got up to speak the first words out of his mouth were so unbelievable that I never saw an audience react. I think there were about 400 people there. Literally just the first sentence out of his mouth almost everybody like fainted. I mean it was like unbelievable. Here was his opening line. This incredibly prestigious, you know, supposedly privileged guy. He said, "When I was 13 years old, my father in a co rage in front of me killed my mother and then killed himself." How's that for an audience attention grabber? And he goes on to say, okay, goes on to say that he looked older than his age. He was living in a tough neighborhood. He knew what would happen to him. He didn't have any siblings. He knew he was going to end up in foster care. He knew foster care often is not a great life to live in in that part of the of the United States. So, he runs away. He immediately runs away. And he said for the next two years, he lived a totally totally meaningless existence. He'd go from homeless shelter to homeless shelter around the country. The second he thought they were on to him, he'd run away again. He didn't talk to anybody. He had no connection. It was a life of total isolation by somebody way too young to be living a life of total isolation. And on top of that, somebody who had to deal with this horrific event. He said, "Then when I was 15, I ended up in a homeless shelter in Manhattan and I heard four words that forever changed my life." And again, the audience is like totally totally like waiting. And he sees, he says, "Look," he says, "You're going to be disappointed when you hear the four words." Because he says, "It wasn't those four words. It was the way they were said. I go into a shelter in Manhattan and the director comes over to me, puts his arm around my shoulder and he looks me in the eye. He says, "How are you doing?" He said, "You know something? I saw in his eyes that he really meant it." He really wanted to know how I was doing. And somehow that did it. I started talking to him and the more I talked, the more I wanted to talk. and he really wanted to hear. So for the next couple of months, I just spilled out my soul to him and he saw not only did I desperately need to have a mentor, he saw that I was really smart and he got me a scholarship, a full scholarship to the Dalton School in Manhattan. From there, I got a full scholarship to Harvard. And then from there, I ended up having a chain of events in my life that literally ended up with my standing here in front of you. Four words. That's all it takes. And that's the bottom line take-home message. Prevention of child sexual abuse is really about that lesson. It's about the lesson of the hake timo of being at a child's side and just being tuned in. That was the beautiful message of Rabbi Wickler as well. It's how are you doing? How are you doing? Okay, being sure to be tuned in. Okay, hopefully this will never happen to your children or to any other family member, but just being able to tune in that kamayan punal punham eye to eye and heartto-heart is ultimately the best ingredient in terms of prevention of sexual abuse. So thank you everybody and what do we do now? Yeah. Yeah.