July 18, 2016, Amudim Awareness Event Part 3 of 4 Rabbi Eliezer Zwickler

the topic for tonight is a a difficult one and the reason why I say it's a difficult one is because it's never been as important as it is now we find ourselves in the week of par bak and one of the more famous PIM in the Torah of really starts with tsin before in which the P says lifts up his eyes and he sees the Jewish people being he sees them encamped according to their tribe and he has the spirit the spirit of comes upon Him and He blesses CLA Israel so Rashi comments immediately and says that what was it that made bam utter the words of mov how beautiful how nice is it that your tense it was the fact that he saw the tents of the Jewish people that no door of a tent fac the other door that there was a sense of sne there was a sense of modesty and the points out two things he says first of all like Rashi importance the gamar talks about as well the importance of who we are the Jewish people as we are T we are modest people and he also mentions the fact that hasem rested his upon each and every shet each and every tribe that one for one to think that perhaps God rested just on the entire people no each and every tribe was separate each and every tribe was unique and each and every tribe was special enough Toes that he rested his presence upon them so I think when we gather tonight we really talk about a topic that affects and we are not immune in any of our sh in any of our tribes whether it's in the world or it's in the Lish world or the modern world this is an issue which is plaguing our community and as RAB GL said before it's an issue that of course needs to remain the center of our Focus but why is it something that's so difficult so Rashi sayso that the reason why the tents weren't facing each other is so that everybody wouldn't see into everyone else's business there are matters in life that are private sexuality in our communities have always been a very private thing and that's because that's the way Hashem made us he put into the DNA of our people to be private people and for us because of that it's a difficult topic to speak about but make no mistake the topic that we're talking about here tonight May touch on sexuality but the topic of sexual abuse is not an issue of sexual abuse is abuse and we can't mix the two so I'd like to really Begin by sharing with you a couple of scenarios and I've changed uh from my work that I do in the field I've really changed and redacted these stories a little bit obviously to to to to spare confidentiality and the first is the story of braa who's a 16-year-old girl who grew up in a borderline yeshivish slod modern Orthodox community and she was uh seemed to be very well adjusted and went away with her family to to a PES program at a hotel it wasn't just her immediate family but there were some friends of the family everyone gathered it was one time of year where they all went away to enjoy themselves and over the course of yomtov one of the distant family friends began to become a lot closer with the family at the table and it when it was time for braa to go to back to her room to get something she was a little bit hesitant because her room was on the other side of the hotel and so he offered to walk her there of course the parents didn't think twice about it because they figured this was such a longtime friend of the family he proceeded to walk with her and he raped her several times over the course of that yum he convinced her that her family would be embarrassed and angry at her and that he would tell them if she didn't continue and his abuse of her went on for months until the time when she didn't know where to turn she didn't know what to do and she began cutting herself and it was only when her mother looked at her arm and her shirt fell down and saw the cuts and took her to the side and said what's going on what happened to you did it s slowly emerge as to what she really went through and you know what the parents first reaction was of course they were mortified but their biggest concern was how were they going to get her married and to make sure that it was covered up and quiet so that nobody knew so it didn't ruin her sh and not only about her but the of everybody else in the family her siblings as well and so we tend to think that the answer to a problem of sexual abuse is just cover it up get someone married and let their spouse deal with the issue and for a couple of years very very difficult years broa was married and had several children and she struggled when she attempted to try to save her marriage together with her husband because there was just so much that was already ingrained within her that the marital unit wasn't strong enough to survive and she's not married anymore and now she's on her own journey to really figure out to find out how to recover from the terrible trauma and the abuse that she suffered that's story number one story number two Kim was a relatively quiet a young boy and he had a neighbor who often babysat for his sisters and him when he was about 13 the neighbor was in college at that point and as the neighbor was babysitting she started to tell Kim that he can stay up later than his sisters and over the course of a couple of times and we call this grooming she began to teach him and to tell him that he could learn a lot more about girls with her and Kim was very uncomfortable and he didn't understand but he was rewarded not only with time that he can stay up later but he was rewarded by the gifts that she bought him which his parents didn't know about ultimately Kim considered himself lucky to a certain extent at that time that's what he thought but yet to this day he suffers from depression from Rage tremendous amount of anger and he's unable to be intimate with his wife and it was only now that he started to come to grips with what happened to [Music] him and it's only now that he and his wife together came to the conclusion that they need to go back there and needs to start a journey and because of the support of his wife he now understands why he's never been able to be affectionate or caring to her sexual abuse has its impact for Generations it's not just about the moment it's about the years down the road which brings me to Story number three Rachel has a secret that she only revealed to her husband after they were married because she had no choice you see when Rachel was 7 years old she had some very close family cousins who would always come over to the house they would always be nearby they lived nearby the families were very close and she had a cousin who was a 15-year-old boy who would always play with her and then take her to one of the bedrooms in the house and abuse her she was quiet all these years and never confronted her abuser so imagine to this day she sees her abuser at Family Simas and it's the big elephant between them because he thinks she forgot she of course never forgot it's a mark on her soul she never told her parents to this day her parents have no clue and today she suffers from an undiagnosed but close to a sexual aversion disorder and she frequently cries when even she needs to come so close as to hold her husband's hand she also has a tremendous need to control many areas of her life and so 20 years later 20 years later she's now trying to address her struggles and abuse with the help of her supportive husband the common themes between Story number one story number two and Story number three is the ability of the victim to find someone that they were comfortable talking to and I want to be very clear abuse is not the fault of parents there are plenty of Wonderful parents who have had children that have been abused at the same time as parents I think the whole purpose of this evening is for us to try to be as Vigilant as possible and really try to be as supportive as possible and the greatest tool that we can provide our children with this protecting them by giving them a sense of self by making our children feel that they are important that they're dignified that they're loved they're cared for each of the children abused in these cases somehow someway felt poorly about themselves predators take advantage of those who appear to be vulnerable when a predator looks at a potential victim and sees the twinkle in the eye as soon as they make eye contact there's a light that goes goes off in their head is that child vulnerable is that victim vulnerable and if the answer is yes then they proceed into the grooming process so you know generally we talk about the idea of vulnerability and vulnerability is very important especially in a relationship and we want our children to feel a sense of vulnerability we want our children to feel vulnerable when they're in safe place we want our children to be able to express their emotions to us we want our children to feel comfortable hugging us we want our children to feel comfortable crying to us so we want our children to be vulnerable but we want our children to understand that they're only to be vulnerable with people and in scenarios in which they feel safe and with people that they can trust you know trust is a very scary word I remember growing up as a little boy when my mother would tell me if you're ever lost if you see somebody with a yamaka on their head they'll help you we live in a different world and it's sad to say but the reality has changed I know the alenu program that the project Sarah has done with so many of our schools they teach children today that if you ever lost the person that you look for is either a police policeman or you look for a mother who has little children you don't look for someone who has a yamaka on their head or someone who appears to be from or tells you they're from our community unfortunately has learned a terrible lesson and the world has changed so the way we teach our children the way we teach them about trust has changed tremendously who is safe and what safety means has changed dramatically but there's another element there's another area and that is you know studies show that there's a correlation between strife and marriage and its impact on the self-esteem of a child and part of the greatest thing that we can do to protect our children is really to protect our relationships and who we have and to make sure that our children grow up in an environment where there is warmth an environment where they feel they can express themselves when they open their mouths and talk to us about something that's bothering them that they're not shut down that they're not told that we can't talk about it now that they're not told oh you know when I wanted to talk about it 20 minutes ago you weren't ready so now I don't have time because that moment can change everything for a child but yet there's something else and I as a a couples therapist this is something that I share with couples and I think is very important essential and I think it has an element that works into parenting as well and that's the theory of John Gman who talks about the concept of emotional intimacy that a couple needs to understand each other's World in order to have an effective relationship we need to know who our spouses who our partners work with what's their life like who do they deal with all day what do they how do they think and the same is true when it comes to our children we need to really understand what our children's world is who are their friends in school what's it like for them what happens when a teacher yells at them them we'd be surprised who our kids could be talking to whether it's a custodian in the school or a parent that comes by who just starts talking with them or maybe they're outside the house and someone drove up in a car who they knew from Sho and started talking to them if we don't know our children on an emotional level if we don't know their world and how they're thinking then potentially we're really not protecting them well enough from the dangers that there are in the real world I want to uh if you'll forgive me Reb Lu move on to another area which I think is connected to sexual abuse and that's our entire connection to sexuality and as I said before the idea of sexuality and us being us being modest people is one which we have to be very careful about and as I quoted that or the idea of not looking into each other's home the idea of sexuality being something which is very private but help within the home parents need to be able to talk to their children about sexuality because if we don't other people will and there is no Community I'm saying it because I see it neither in theid community or in the Lish community yeshivish community modern Orthodox Community there is no community in which children do not see and learn from the world around them from friends from people who are not friends and if we want them to get the right message then we need to be the ones to deliver the education and it's awkward and it's strange and it's difficult and they may think that we're crazy but to me it's a Yar because what's happening out there we don't even understand there's a big secret a big secret revolving around this issue of sexuality and it's a big elephant in the room maybe they don't talk about all yeshivas only some yeshivas I've heard recently I just heard a story just the other day about a Yeshiva where a Risha of a mfta sat down with boys before they went on the summer vacation and said to them boys I want you to be honest with me and I really want to have a conversation with you about pornography because I really just want to know and I want to listen and that rajiva had the guts to talk to these kids and say to them how many of you have seen it and they all raised their hands Shish they all raised their hands and he said to them I want you to understand first of all I'm really happy that we can have this conversation and I want you to understand the impact that that could have on the life that you will build together in the future with a spouse and this is an area that we have not spoken about and the more we keep these things secretive the more our children Retreat into their world and many of times that world is a world of fantasy that world is a world which is not reality that world is a world in which they're scared scared that we would ever find out scared that we wouldn't respect them that we wouldn't love them we wouldn't care about them and because of that they can become vulnerable vulnerable to a predator to someone who can hurt them and cause damage to them when when children don't feel comfortable with their parents they step back and they create this world around them within them which is hollow which is empty which is lonely which is a place that they sit and cry in their pillows at night about and as difficult as it is for us as parents to talk about these things we have no choice if we want to prevent abuse then we need to make make sure that in our tent we're clear we're open and we're honest with our children let us hope that hm gives us to be able to be to teach our children in these most challenging times in a way that will preserve and enhance their ability to build the authentic Jewish homes in the future the homes of which we recite m and that hopefully sorry to say her beg luck but hopefully the business of amudim can go out of business [Applause]